…AND I LIKE YOU TOO!

WORDS : WENDY REGNER

ARTWORK : CLAUDIA V onmixkit.co

I love you!

Three (little) words every human being wants to hear. The words that seem to solidify our place in the heart of a loved one when we hear them say it — right?

Whether it’s face to face or in writing, we have tons of ways of expressing that love. Words, emojis, smiles, hugs, kisses, hearts … the list is practically endless. Now as a female, writing to a predominantly (I assume) female audience, I’m pretty sure there are plenty of smiling, nodding and dreamy-eyed expressions as you ponder this truth. But, how many of you have stopped to think about whether those expressions hold the same meaning and pack the same punch for the man in your life as they do for you? And if you’ve thought about it, have you asked him?

I grew up with three brothers. At age 19 I started dating the love of my life, who has now been my husband for over three decades. For years, I went about married life patting myself on the back for consistently telling my husband I loved him. Eventually we were blessed to become parents to two sons. And now the testosterone trend continues with two delightful grandsons. Throughout my years in a male-dominated life, I’ve seen that guys’ views on many things in life are di erent from girls’ views. No big surprise there.

But it was within the last ten years that my husband revealed something very important to me that really got my attention. It showed me just how di erent those views and needs are. He told me that he wants, no, needs me to like him. Immediately I began to ask myself, and him, how “like” and “love” are di erent.

As I said, I’ve done life surrounded by males. I’m also a couples counselor and have studied and taught the principles of healthy relationships from various professionals’ perspectives. One day, following a disagreement with my husband, in my attempt to “make up” with him I said, “I love you.” And his response genuinely startled me. He said “I know you love me. I’ve never doubted that. But the way you treat me sometimes leaves me feeling like you don’t like me. And that hurts.” What ensued was a conversation about friendship and respect that opened my eyes to the importance of showing him how valuable he is to me and led to new depth in our relationship.

A quick internet search of what it means to “like” someone produces words like enjoyable, agreeable, admire, look forward to, appreciate. Several of those concepts are included in Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ description of respect in his book “Love and Respect.” Eggerichs, a Christian writer and speaker on relationships, uses the acronyms COUPLE and CHAIRS to illustrate the di erences between love and respect. He shares:

LOVE is spelled:

C loseness: she wants you to be close

O penness: she wants you to open up to her

U nderstanding: don’t try to fix her; just listen

P eacemaking: she wants you to say, “I’m sorry”

L oyalty: she needs to know you’re committed

E steem: she wants you to honor and cherish her

RESPECT (LIKE) is spelled:

C onquest: appreciate his desire to work and achieve

H ierarchy: appreciate his desire to protect and provide

A uthority: appreciate his desire to serve and to lead

I nsight: appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel

R elationship: appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship

S exuality: appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy

Don’t get me wrong, women want and need respect too. But the fact that we are driven by a love-dominated culture makes it extra important to talk speci cally about respect and the impact its presence or absence has on men’s sense of worth and the stability of our relationships.

So how do you know what the man in your life needs to feel liked (respected)? Ask him today! Take his responses to heart. And enjoy the results!

WENDY REGNER To Have and To Hold Couples Care

Wendy is a licensed professional counselor in private practice at To Have & To Hold Couples Care/Journey of Hope Counseling in Fargo. She is a member of the American Counseling Association (ACA), American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), a lifetime member of the Boundaries.me network, a Certified SYMBIS Pre-marital Preparation Facilitator, and a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy practitioner. She has a passion for helping couples and individuals navigate the challenges life brings and learn to bravely live life to the fullest.

VENUE: Plains Art Museum

FLOWERS: Love Always Floral

STYLING & DECOR: The White House Co.

HAIR: Hide Out Salon

MAKEUP: Katelyn Osland

WEDDING DRESS: a&bé Bridal

Shop — Minneapolis

SUITES: Halberstadt’s

CATERING: Urban Foods

CEREMONY & FIRST DANCE

MUSIC: King Sage