grief: Coping with the loss of your loved one

Coping with the loss of a loved one may be one of the hardest challenges that many of us face. Loss is understood as a natural part of life, but we can still be overcome by shock and confusion, leading to prolonged periods of sadness. The sadness typically diminishes in intensity as time passes, but grieving is an important process to overcome these feelings and continue to embrace the time you had with your loved one.

Everyone reacts differently to death and employs personal coping mechanisms for grief. Most people can recover from loss on their own through the passage of time if they have social support and healthy habits. There is no “normal” time-period for someone to grieve. The stages of grief are responses to loss that many people have. These stages are tools to help frame and identify what we may be feeling. They are not stops on a linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. The hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief’s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss. Remember, your grief is as unique as you are.

December 26, 2013, just after 0500, my biggest journey with grief to date began. I answered the phone and the fireman on the other end of the line told me my father had passed away. My father had been battling stage IV cancer for seven months, so his passing was not a surprise, but I am not sure you can ever be prepared to receive that phone call. My dad was only 63 years old.

It was hard to deny that my dad would pass away when on my son’s ninth birthday, June 4, 2013, he was given 6-12 months to live. I am a nurse, and I knew that was probably an accurate estimate, yet I held on to hope that he would be the exception and we would get more time. He was scheduled to start a clinical trial in Arizona the day after he died, which for me meant hope. More than anything I felt guilt and sadness that I didn’t spend more time with him. I moved my family, including his only two grandchildren, 600 plus miles away to Montana five years before he became ill. If I knew that he only had six more years to live, would I have stayed in Fargo?

After his funeral, I returned to my life in Montana. I found that I could hide from my grief most days back there. When I would come to visit my mom in Fargo in the home I grew up in, the memories would come flooding back, and I could not hide anymore from the fact that he was gone. As soon as I would walk in the door, I would go find his clothes still in the closet trying to find the smell of him there. That worked for the first few years, but I found in time the smell of him on his clothes faded. With each passing year, I feared that my memories of him would fade just like the smell on his clothes did.

This Christmas, it will be eight years since his passing. The sadness has lessened, but he is never forgotten. I always find the holidays to be more challenging. Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives, milestones we share with each other, and they generally represent time spent with family. For many people, this is the hardest part of grieving, when we miss our loved ones even more than usual.

The need for support may be the greatest during the holidays. Rather than avoiding the feelings of grief, lean into them. It is not the grief you want to avoid; it is the pain. No one can take that pain away, but grief is not just pain, grief is love. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss. Allow time for the feelings and most importantly allow others to help.

Tuesday

DECEMBER 7th

6:00 – 7:15 PM PLEASE RSVP TO 701-237-6771 FOR THIS GATHERING

"Living with Grief" is our monthly drop-in meeting on the first Tuesday of the month held at Boulger Funeral Home. please check boulgerfuneralhome.com for future dates.

These meetings are led by our Grief Support Coordinators Sonja Kjar and Ann Jacobson. 701-237-6441 griefsupport@boulgerfuneralhome.com

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TANYA FERBER Senior Helpers Home Care of Eastern North Dakota

Tanya is a Fargo native and holds a Bachelor’s in Nursing from North Dakota State University and a Master’s in Business from the University of Phoenix. She has a passion for being a trusted advisor and helping the elderly in her community and their families navigate options to ensure a better quality of life. Senior Helpers provides dependable and affordable in home care at a moment’s notice. Visit seniorhelpers.com/nd/fargo. [ aw ]

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