A society collapsed: PATS gives up on ticketing
By Addison Fulton @dailylobo
University of New Mexico Parking and Transportation Services recently announced that it will entirely give up on handing out parking citations, ushering in a new era of vehicular chaos unprecedented in modern society.
Patrick Patterson, director of PATS, said the organization has been officially “wrecked.”
“PATS has always been a proud and definitely fair organization. We kept the peace. We maintained order. Now, we’ve fallen apart due to internal pressures and public mockery. So, you win, you animals. We give up,” Patterson said. “You’re all on your own now. Let’s see if you like the world you wake up in when you wake up without a citation on your window.”
Following the announcement, authorities, including UNM President
Garnett Stokes, declared that society as we know it has collapsed.
“As everyone knows, PATS giving out $50 parking tickets to 20-somethings who parked a little bit over the line was the last bastion of civilization holding back the barbarous nature of man. Now that they’ve given up, it’s anarchy,” Stokes said.
Since the announcement, roving automobile gangs have cropped up around campus as Honda Civic drivers with Hello Kitty window stickers take advantage of the new, post-PATS world order.
“I’m gonna park wherever I want now,” said Correy Vette, a former nursing major and current roaming parking lot bandit. “And call me ‘Road Dog.’ That’s what I’m going by now. Woof. It’s because I chase cars now, and I run so many stoplights you’d think I was red-and-green colorblind.”
“Hellcat” and “Mustang” are two other members of the deadly Honda Civic gang who are reveling in
the vehicular chaos.
“I parked my car in two motorcycle spots the other day, and nothing bad happened. Some cyclist wanted to park there and I just ran him over,” Hellcat said. “Who’s gonna stop me?”
Mustang said that in the old days, he would see people with fun trinkets in their cars and just walk past. But now?
“I’m smashing and grabbing,” Mustang said. “So watch your back. Fuzzy dice on your mirror? Dashboard Jesus? Little rubber duckies? It’s all mine now.”
Cars have already been found overturned, burning, gutted and parked in loading zones.
“Might get really crazy and pull into one of the spaces you’re only supposed to back into. Might even door-ding someone,” Road Dog said. “Oh, and stealing catalytic converters, obviously. Though, I could do that even before PATS disbanded. It wasn’t that hard.”
Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham issued a statement on the situation yesterday.
“There’s nothing we can do. Let unpaid tickets rain from the sky like the ashes of an erupted volcano,” the statement reads. “Who even cares anymore?”
can be reached at culture@dailylobo.com or on X @dailylobo
‘RUN HIDE FIGHT’: UNM investigates mysterious surge in pie theft
By Jaden McKelvey- Francis @jadenmckelvey
A recent spike in reported pie theft on the University of New Mexico campus has led the UNM Police Department to launch an investigation.
UNMPD stated that it has received 71 total reports of grand theft à la mode. Pies of all varieties are mysteriously vanishing after being left unattended. One student reported a pie disappearing directly out of their own hands.
Lemmy Meringue, a student who has had multiple pies stolen out of her dorm kitchen, told the Daily Lobo
about her experience.
“I just turn around for a moment, and when I look back, my dessert is missing,” Meringue said.
After the multiple thefts, said she feels discouraged as an amateur baker, dissatisfied with her dinner and passionately in need of a sweet treat.
“It’s not a complete meal without a dessert, and while I’ve always loved making pies, now I feel frightened to make one in my own oven,” Meringue said. “I think I’ll just start eating ice cream.”
Kai Lime is another student affected by the incidents. He works as a delivery driver and described an
incident where he picked up a pie to deliver on campus, but it went missing before it could be delivered.
“When I picked it up from the store, it was still fresh, and I put it in my bag,” Lime said. “But when I went to drop it off, I opened the bag and there was nothing there; it was just gone.”
UNMPD released a statement advising students on how to avoid having their pies stolen. The statement included tips such as not leaving pies to cool on windowsills, making sure windows are closed, having pies be attended to at all
UNM establishes Department of Gaslighting Studies
By Shin Thant Hlaing @dailylobo
The University of New Mexico recently unveiled a Department of Gaslighting Studies as an extension of the film department.
“Gaslighting is a soft skill that allows learners to reshape the realities of those around them,” you literally said two weeks ago. “We offer courses that allow students to malignly influence behavior and decision-making, and adjust the strength of an actor’s convictions.”
It will also allow more students to double-major, given that some students may already have high levels of proficiency in gaslighting studies, according to department director Aimarid Yorre-Maum.
Students in the business, film and communication departments have expressed sudden interest in double-majoring since the unveiling,
despite otherwise taking the easy way out academically.
Manny Pulater, a sophomore business major who recently took gaslighting courses, said the classes helped him immensely in his pitch deck competitions as well as his parttime job in electronics sales.
“The customer isn’t always right,” Pulater said. “But sometimes they unfortunately are, and that’s when what I’ve learned in these courses comes in handy.”
The Department of Gaslighting Studies also offers zero-credit-hour courses for students who may not want to admit they took them, YorreMaum said.
Yorre-Maum believes being trained in gaslighting should not just be limited to students, she said. Professional development training on basic gaslighting techniques is available to staff members through UNM Learning Central.
“Prior to this announcement, we
began pilot staff training programs for staff working in academic advisement, the Bursar’s Office, Residence Life and Student Housing, and the UNM mailroom,” Yorre-Maum said.
UNM mailroom assistant Ima Lyre said that while staff did attempt to utilize the techniques from their gaslighting classes, there was unfortunately an email chain that documented things in a student’s favor.
“The workplace becomes far more efficient when we can resolve disputes without addressing why they happen,” Lyre said. “Sometimes people make mistakes., but that doesn’t always mean you have to take accountability.”
So far, the only observable development at the Department of Gaslighting Studies has been faculty no longer having office spaces.
Yorre-Maum said a strange man was sitting at his desk when he walked into his office this morning. The room had already been redecorated, donned
with empty Monster cans, a “Pulp Fiction” poster taped directly to the wall and a white clay ashtray on the desk with the quote “There is no nobility in poverty” written on the bottom.
“The man told me that it had always been his office, and he asked whether I was sure that I wasn’t crazy,” YorreMaum said. “Honestly, after working this job for 12 years, I’m not sure.”
UNM student Chatt Geepeetee first introduced the idea to Yorre-Maum, Geepeetee said.
“In an ever-changing job market, we have to ask ourselves: ‘What can humans do that AI can’t?’” Geepeetee said.
Rather than using high school test scores or other placement tests, the Department of Gaslighting Studies will utilize a more student-centered set of metrics.
Men who have Radiohead as one of their top five Spotify artists have guaranteed admission, as well as anybody of any gender who listens to Lana Del Rey. Men who regularly listen to underground artist Tame Impala will also have special consideration.
Students who meet more than two of these criteria, however, will not be accepted into the classes because they are overqualified.
“We don’t need to subject society to that,” Yorre-Maum said. “At the end of the day, we are just staff members — not monsters.”
Shin Thant Hlaing is a beat reporter for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at news@dailylobo.com or on X @dailylobo
“If you sport black nail polish, septum piercings, particular personal fragrance choices or have previous involvement in Greek life, you have guaranteed admission,” Yorre-Maum said. “Students can also submit their Spotify Wrapped for additional consideration.”
Addison Fulton is the culture editor for the Daily Lobo. She
Photo illustration by Liliana Esparza. Source images by Unsplash.
Liliana Esparza / Daily Lobo / @lili.published
Illustrated by Leila Chapa see Pie theft page 7
LoboAlert system
becomes too responsive ‘THEFT at police station: WILLIAM stole my LUNCH from
the office fridge,’ one alert reads
By Elliott Wood @dailylobo
Following complaints of delayed and missing campus emergency alerts, the latest cadence of LoboAlerts sent by the University of New Mexico Police Department has students rolling — though depending on who you ask, that could be either the disapproving kind or the laughing kind.
“I mean, come on: ‘RUN HIDE FIGHT. Jessica Simmons just walked into the SUB and her new Spring outfit is KILLING IT!’?” UNM student Cheese Louise said, reciting an email he received last week as the weather began to heat up and students began to dress down.
Louise had just been minding his business, eating a couple of Dion’s slices outside the Student Union Building, when he received the alert.
“So, of course, I skimmed it as fast as I could and as soon as my eyes read ‘SUB,’ I left my pizza and took off toward Johnson Center to try to sit tight somewhere safe,” Louise said.
Louise would not have been so upset at the wasted 505 slices if the alert hadn’t been for “something so insanely stupid,” he said.
One email sent out during Popejoy’s stint hosting “SIX: The Musical” warned of “six FIERCE ladies on cam-
pus ready to SMASH the patriarchy AND the monarchy.”
Another alert urged Lobo sports fans to tune into March Madness during the men’s basketball tournament.
“Prepare for a BRUTAL battle between BLOOD-THIRSTY ANIMALS and ANTIQUATED Spartan ‘warriors’ from the Great Lakes,” that LoboAlert reads.
A similar alert caught the eye of Batta Upp, a junior who had no idea the University had an active baseball team before a message landed in her inbox.
“I’ll be honest, it’s pretty hard not to have your interest piqued when UNMPD sends you an email saying we ‘CRUSHED the Rebels from Las Vegas WITHOUT MERCY,’”
Upp said. “And they weren’t wrong about it, either.”
The most frequent of these new LoboAlerts, however, has to be for the Mercado burritos. Throughout the spring semester at an average of three times per day, the campus community receives an alert praising the flavor and value of the breakfast burritos sold at the Mercado on the first floor of the Student Union Building.
“GUYS THEY’RE UNDER FOUR
DOLLARS CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS??? RUN to grab a Mercado breakfast burrito right now — nobody can HIDE from these deals. We won’t blame you if you FIGHT to get yourself one of these puppies while they’re still hot,” reads the LoboAlert, which has been copied and issued verbatim for the past month.
It seems, though, that the new initiative may soon come to an end, much to the chagrin of a cadre of students who enjoyed a break from the monotony of boring emails landing in their Outlook inboxes.
“We are evaluating the content and frequency of recent LoboAlerts and creating new standards to reflect the priorities of the University,” UNM spokesperson Cardamom Clatter told the Daily Lobo on Friday. “In the meantime, alerts deemed important will be sent out as before — three hours late.”
Elliott Wood is a beat reporter and photographer for the Daily Lobo. They can be reached at news@dailylobo. com or on X @dailylobo
UNMPD to expand ‘Small Arms Division’ following T. rex stampede
By Maria Fernandez
@dailylobo
The
ing a press conference last week that its Small Arms Division, which was implemented last year, will expand to include a wider variety of animals that have itty bitty appendages and excellent hunting capabilities.
The new phase of expansion will bring in kangaroos, foxes and platypi to replace the Tyrannosaurus rex portion of the Small Arms Division, known as SAD.
The replacement follows last year’s T. rex stampede on campus, when Kappa Alpha Omegatron offered free belly rubs to the dinosaurs. The T. rexes began an all-out sprint to the fraternity, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.
Ten students were trampled during the situation and, tragically, a student reported that his Subway meat-lover’s sandwich was snatched from his hands as the T. rexes ran by.
“The introduction of T. rexes to the police force was not our best move,” UNMPD Chief Ian Winterhalder said during a press conference. “When SAD began, UNMPD suggested that we essentially would’ve had the next ‘Jurassic Park’ here at UNM. We did not expect it to be that realistic.”
The T. rexes will now solely be tasked with undercover surveillance
and stealth instead of patrolling, according to Winterhalder.
During the press conference, UNMPD put emphasis on a mob of new kangaroo officers, which the department refers to as “Kangar-officers.” This mob will be subject to the highest training requirements of all UNMPD employees.
“The kangaroos will be trained in karate, javelin throwing and nunchaku use,” Taylor Aaron-Johnson, head of SAD, said. “They can already jump over six feet high, their kicks are lethal and they’re great swimmers, so unless the perpetrator is Jason Momoa, we’re not too concerned that the kangaroos will have trouble apprehending a suspect.”
The largest marsupials on the planet, kangaroos are notorious for their speed, agility and the pouch on their belly where their young joeys stay warm — which can function as an excellent holster, according to UNMPD.
“I don’t know about you, but I per-
•
•
sonally do not want to be chased by a kangaroo that knows karate,” AaronJohnson said. “I hope this encourages students and anyone on campus to stay in line. If we don’t get you, the kangaroos will.”
When asked if another large animal will replace the T. rex task force, Winterhalder announced that jumbo unicorns may soon make an appearance on campus.
“Horses are boring, so we’re not really interested in bringing those back,” Winterhalder said. “We’re considering a wide variety of other animals to keep campus secure. A pterodactyl air defense team is still on the table as well.”
The new members of SAD will arrive on campus in time for the upcoming fall semester.
Maria Fernandez is a beat reporter and photographer for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at news@dailylobo.com or on X @dailylobo
• Preferred c umulative grade point average of at least 2.5 by the end of the preceding semester.
• Some publication experience preferable.
Photo illustration by Liliana Esparza.
New UNMPD-sanctioned “kangar-officers” showcased during a press conference last week.
Liliana Esparza / Daily Lobo / @lili.published
Maria Fernandez / Daily Lobo / @dailylobo
University of New Mexico Police Department announced dur-
By Dannely Veruzco @dailylobo
At the Daily Lobo, we encourage the community at the University of New Mexico to donate valuable assets — including eggs and more eggs! In exchange for positive coverage, students and faculty members can bring us eggs. One egg equals one marvelous quote about you in a Daily Lobo article, subject to change depending on the price of eggs at transaction.
Eck Carton, a freshman at the University of New Mexico, said the arrangement has worked out in his favor.
“I’ve exchanged about 10 dozen eggs so far. I think the quotes are helping me reach stardom,” Carton said. “They should rename the Daily Lobo to the Daily Eck.”
Last week, Carton was recognized on Central Avenue.
“A man on the street asked me, ‘Are you the guy with the eggs in the newspaper?’” Carton said. “Then he
mugged me.”
As more people bring eggs to the Lobo, UNM President Garnett Stokes encourages the paper to donate them to La Posada.
“We can’t afford eggs anymore,” Stokes said.
Etha Caldelemma, a news reporter at the Daily Lobo, said the paper surpassed its goal of 700 bartered eggs.
“We wanted the eggs for their economic value,” Caldelemma said. “We created a drive-through at Marron Hall so the community can drop off their eggs.”
Culture reporter Badra Porter agreed with Caldelemma.
“I wrote an article about a UNM student named Humpty Dumpty,” Porter said. “He, alone, can improve the egg industry — but he prefers to sit on the walls at UNM. We’re afraid he might break one day.”
Becca Chickenson, a UNM professor in the Department of Fowl Studies, hopes the situation can turn the Daily Lobo into an egg storage facility.
coverage
“Instead of being a crummy newspaper, the Daily Lobo has the opportunity to become something great,” Chickenson said.
Chickenson plans to take her students on a field trip to the Daily Lobo office on April 1.
“It’s a good chance for students to get involved,” Chickenson said. “I bring my eggs to the Lobo every Friday, and they write nice things about me in the paper. My grandma’s pretty happy about it.”
Dumpty said he is afraid of the enormous amount of eggs stored at the Daily Lobo.
“I wanted to move dorms, but they moved me into Marron Hall with the Daily Lobo instead,” Dumpty said. “It’s dangerous. It’s too crowded for the egg residents. I almost cracked the other day.”
Dannely Verduzco is a freelance reporter for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at news@dailylobo.com or on X @dailylobo
Duck exodus at UNM begins as Stokes surrenders to divine feathered wrath
By Nate Bernard @natebernard14
After weeks of campus chaos brought about by divine poultry intervention, University of New Mexico President Garnett Stokes reversed her decision on the ducks’ exile to UNM Championship Golf Course. The ducks will soon return to the
Duck Pond on main campus. Quackses, the former personal duck of Stokes, has emerged as a leader among the duck resistance.
In protest of the new policy, Quackses waddled to Stokes’ desk outside Scholes Hall and presented his demands, which Stokes swiftly rejected.
“Let my ducklings go,” Quackses quacked to Stokes. Following Stokes’ refusal to return
the ducks, campus life began to unravel in 10 plaguing ways, with some claiming that the wrath of feathered providence was to blame. This is just a few of the incidents.
A great and terrible rupture in the plumbing system turned Johnson Field into a blood-red marsh.
Next, a caravan of school buses landed, unleashing an unholy swarm of high schoolers touring campus.
They walked in horizontal lines, asked stupid questions and clogged every hallway.
“Mom, take a picture of me with the Lobo,” one tourist shrieked, their voice reminiscent of the trumpets of hell.
Next, students found themselves starving, with the typical lines at restaurants in the Student Union Building doubling and even
tripling. One reasonable six-hour wait at Chick-Fil-A stretched into an eternity.
“I ordered a sandwich in August. It’s March,” one student said. Without warning, every professor simultaneously assigned a neverending group project. The groups were cursed: Members never re-
see Duck exodus page 7
Photo Illustration by Liliana Esparza. Source Images by Unsplash.
Liliana Esparza / Daily Lobo / @lili.published
Lobos win first-ever chain-smoking championship
By Jaden McKelvey- Francis @jadenmckelvey
Last week, the University of New Mexico Lobos took home first place overall at the first-ever collegiate chain-smoking competition.
The competition included events such as the fastest smoker to finish one, five or 10 cigarettes. Endurance-focused events included the most cigarettes finished in five, 10 and 15 minutes. The school that performed the best in all the events was awarded first place.
Marl Boro, the star smoker for the Lobos, managed to win first place in both 10- and 15-minute events. She managed to smoke 217 and 302 cigarettes in 10 and 15 minutes, respectively.
This was quite the impressive feat, with the runner-up following her with 95 cigarettes in 10 minutes and 172 cigarettes in 15 minutes. Most
competitors in these events seemed to slow down near the end, but not Boro. She kept up a steady pace and was unfazed by the cloud of smoke so dense it was impossible to get a clear view of anything.
“It was a very good performance, I thought, for the first competition,” Boro said. “Though there’s always room for improvement — I think I could have improved my technique on the transfer between each cigarette.”
While this was the first official collegiate tournament, the sport of smoking cigarettes has existed for over a century. The unofficial world record for most cigarettes smoked in 10 minutes belongs to former President William Howard Taft, who is fabled to have smoked over 500 cigarettes in only 10 minutes during his time as a student at Yale University.
Boro hopes the inclusion of chain smoking as an official NCAA sport will draw more relevance and participation.
“It’s such a wonderful sport that
so many people are deeply passionate about. I’m just happy that it’s starting to get more attention,” Boro said. “Hopefully, it will be a sport that continues to grow and there will be more high-level competition.”
Boro has faced allegations that she is not actually smoking the cigarettes and is, instead, just eating them.
“There’s no way that Boro is actually smoking all those cigarettes, and with all the smoke, you can’t really see what’s happening accurately,” fellow competitor Lucas “Lucky” Strike said. “I think she’s actually just chewing up and eating all the cigarettes, and that’s how she manages to keep winning.”
Boro refused to comment on the accusations but said she has never seen a cigarette she doesn’t want to smoke.
Jaden McKelvey-Francis is a beat reporter for the Daily Lobo. He can be reached at sports@dailylobo.com or on X @jadenmckelvey
Hitting a baseball isn’t that hard, study shows
By Elizabeth Bolke & Maria Fernandez @dailylobo
A recent study co-published by the Base Mcball Institute and the University of New Mexico has found that anyone can hit a baseball, and it really isn’t that hard.
The mechanics of the sport require hand-eye coordination, aim and correct form to send a baseball flying, according to the study. But if that’s true, why can’t everyone do
it? If a person can’t hit a baseball, it’s probably because they aren’t trying hard enough, according to experts.
The study quickly went viral on social media and has garnered various responses, ranging from players defending the sport and their own abilities to those who believe the study is completely accurate.
Coaches across the board have subsequently agreed that it really isn’t that hard if their players try enough.
“If you can’t hit the ball, you’re just lazy,” UNM baseball coach Grant Slam said.
According to the study, 99.99% of people randomly selected off the street can hit a baseball just fine, as long as they keep their eye on the ball.
UNM baseball player Miner Leeg said all hitting a baseball requires is looking at the ball and swinging the bat.
“It’s easy — I don’t really understand why that is so hard for people to get,” Leeg said.
Leeg has recorded a home run every time he has stepped up to home plate this season.
“It’s understandable that people
don’t hit the ball due to all sorts of reasons, like wind, the sun in their eyes, and even their family, friends and significant others watching,” Homer Run, lead researcher on the study, wrote in a statement to the Daily Lobo. “It can be nerve-wracking, but those aren’t excuses you can tell your coach after you strike out.”
Players should just try a little harder, Run added.
“Don’t forget to smile, either! It can really go a long way,” he wrote.
According to the study, anybody who can’t hit a baseball has a skill issue.
“Players who are striking out need to get a grip,” Slam said.
Elizabeth Bolke is a freelance reporter for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at sports@dailylobo.com or on X @dailylobo
Maria Fernandez is a beat reporter and photographer for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at sports@ dailylobo.com or on X @dailylobo
Ducks vs. turtles: Duck Pond renovations spark $42 billion gentrification feud
‘Hey hey, ho ho, Stokes’ toast has got to go,’ turtle protesters
By Marcela Johnson @dailylobo
As life should be returning to the University of New Mexico Duck Pond, a drained concrete tub sits lifeless. The Daily Lobo has uncovered a secret document that details renovations at the Duck Pond that will create duck suburbia — a project that is more than $42 billion over budget.
“First we deal with swan gentrification, and now this,” Shelly Tortuga, one of the lead Duck Pond turtles who helped stop the 2023 swan gentrification, said.
Tortuga feels that the ducks have turned on their neighbors, she said. Before the renovations began, the ducks would tip the turtle logs as they slept, Tortuga said.
“We used to live peacefully — until they decided they wanted to take more of our space and our logs,” Tortuga said.
The duck suburbia will create new chain overpriced toast shops painted in all neutral tones with signs that display “Live, Laugh, Toast,” according to the document.
These venues will be contrary to warnings by local Girl Scout troop signs at the pond that say bread is bad for ducks.
Jared Quack, a new resident duck, said these renovations are necessary and will help keep the pond occupied. He feels that the ducks deserve their own space.
“The turtles that occupy this pond are few and far between,” Quack said. “What’s
really important is that I get my toast.”
Jeremiah Clack, an old man who used to walk around the pond, said he is upset about the cost of the renovations. The Daily Lobo revealed that the money for these renovations is given
chant
directly by UNM President Garnett Stokes and the Lottery Scholarship fund.
“My tax dollars should pay for me to walk around at night in relative safety — not for these ducks to be living the good life and bullying the turtles,” Clack said.
Clack explained that he was confused by the sudden new attitude of the majority of the ducks, as the two species have peacefully coexisted for years despite the fact that official histories fail to mention the turtles.
“I don’t see a need for them to push the turtles out is all,” Clack said. “They have as much a right to be here as those ducks.”
Tortuga hopes that raising awareness for the issue will cause people to speak out against it. She explained that turtle-duck relations are not as complicated as pro-duck media makes it out to be.
Tortuga is currently planning a “Take Back The Pond” event, which she hopes will take the pond back to its original purpose: for turtles and students to sleep peacefully — as well as see their friends in awkward passing.
Marcela Johnson is a beat reporter for the Daily Lobo. She can be contacted at news@dailylobo.com or on X @DailyLobo
Illustrated by Avery Silfer
Illustrated by Leila Chapa
Who is cherry and silver and under the sea? The Lobo football team!
By Izabella Kubiak-Reseigh @kubiakizabella
The University of New Mexico football team could be shipped to play in Bikini Bottom if the Lobos suffer another losing season, according to a whistleblower in the University’s Athletics Department.
After a lackluster finish last season, the Lobos are under pressure to deliver a winning record or face a total rebrand.
Anonymous sources within the department say officials are in “preliminary talks” with the underwater city to negotiate a team relocation deal should the program flounder again.
The move is reportedly part of a radical image overhaul for a team “no longer taken seriously on land.”
“Talks are going well,” said Sal Monella, the official spokesfish and director of Deep-sea Sports Relations. “I’m confident that if the Lobos don’t perform this upcoming season, the team will enjoy Bikini Bottom.”
Mr. Fish, Bikini Bottom’s news an-
chor, broke the news after speaking with Head Coach Jerry Quinoa over an afternoon broadcast last month.
“BREAKING NEWS: If the Lobos don’t perform this season, they’ll find a new home in the Bikini atoll,” Fish said on the air. “With Squillium Fancyson III as their potential head coach, things could turn around for the Lobos.”
If the NCAA signs off on the move, UNM would become the first college football team to play all of its games underwater as part of the new Crossspecies League, with home games
hosted at the Jellyfish Fields — the same venue that famously hosted The Bikini Bottom Super Band at the Bubble Bowl in 2001.
Fancyson III was quick to comment about the city’s love for football during a press conference at Jellyfish Fields last week.
“We have promise in our own backyards and kelpfields,” Fancyson III said. “I recently signed Larry the Lobster as an offensive lineman and Man Ray as tight end. I plan on stacking the roster and anticipating Lobo players to be with us next spring.”
Coach Quinoa faces pressure to keep the team afloat as fans and staff brace for either a redemption arc or a plunge into the deep end. Spring practice begins April 1. Flippers aren’t required — yet.
Izabella Kubiak-Reseigh is a freelance reporter for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at sports@dailylobocom or on X @kubiakizabella
By Addison Fulton @dailylobo
Prize-fighter and Daily Lobo culture editor Addison Fulton recently claimed another victory in the Daily Lobo office’s weekly fight.
The student paper hosts a Fight Night each week to build community and foster a sense of shared trauma, which every newsroom needs. The winner of the fight receives a commemorative belt and extra designated space in the newspaper for their articles. The fights have only one rule: The last one standing gets to decide what goes on the front page.
The fights started at the end of last semester, when Fulton beat sports editor Rodney Prunty in the first-ever Fight Night, establishing a tradition that is expected to last centuries. The inspiration came from Fulton’s claim that hitting a baseball isn’t that hard, to
which Prunty took offense. This started a feud between the two, prompting Fulton to initiate the first attack.
To preserve order, the Fight Nights began to allow editors to air their grievances with each other.
This week, Fulton eked out a victory over Editor-in-Chief Lily Alexander, continuing a 12-week victory streak.
The match against Alexander was vicious but low-contact and mostly centered around endurance, with neither wanting to hurt the other too badly because “we’re besties,” they said.
While bodies remained untouched, the will to continue was broken for Alexander, who allowed Fulton to claim victory for yet another week.
Last week, Fulton declared a decisive victory over news editor Nate Bernard in an almost surgical match. Bernard started strong, using his height and more populated desk to his advantage. However, as
the fight wore on, Bernard became overwhelmed by Fulton’s quick jabs and willingness to play dirty. He surrendered after his opponent kneed him in the testicles and said his homemade grilled cheeses are “just okay.”
Fulton stands at 5’6’’ and weighs, in her words, “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
Her stature has never proved an obstacle, even against larger opponents. Fulton said sheer, unadulterated fury drives her performance.
“I just channel the rage I feel about the world into my prize fights,” Fulton said. “I mean, there’s so much for a culture editor to be mad about. Trump bought the Kennedy Center. Marvel just put Robert Downey Jr. in another movie. My Hinge matches are all ghosting me. My fury is immeasurable.”
Photo editor Liliana Esparza, Fulton’s manager and ring-girl, said Fulton is unmatched.
“Addison is the strongest, hottest fighter on the scene,” Esparza said. “You can try your best, but you’ll never beat her.”
Next week, Fulton will go up against Prunty, the first time the rivals have faced off in the ring since the first Fight Night. At present, it seems like the match is Fulton’s, and her victory streak will continue.
Addison Fulton is the culture editor for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at culture@dailylobo.com or on X @dailylobo
Addison Fulton throws a punch at Rodney Prunty that connects right to jaw during Daily Lobo Fight Night on Sunday, March 30. Fulton won overwhelmingly.
Liliana Esparza / Daily Lobo / @lili.published
UNM takes neutral stance on its investment in toilet-removal companies
President cites financial responsibilities to invest in the underground companies
By Leila Chapa & Paloma Chapa
@lchapa06 & @paloma_chapa88
A disclosure of the University of New Mexico’s investments reveals that it holds shares in three companies directly involved in forcibly removing toilets from buildings, leaving bathrooms with nothing but an exposed sewage pipe on the floor. Some holes have not been properly covered, leaving a sewage gas smell in bathrooms.
The companies, which are re-
sponsible for removing and destroying millions of toilets from buildings worldwide, include Flushed 04, Sludge and Tefflawn Toilet.
According to the companies’ websites, toilet vanishing is indiscriminate, and “any property can be next.”
As of publication, the University has not had any reports of missing toilets.
Frustrated by the increased disappearance of toilets worldwide, students, faculty members and community members spoke to UNM leadership about their continued investment in toilet removal companies.
President Garnett Stokes said UNM will not take a position on such
issues because of the University’s fiduciary responsibility. Toilet removal companies are currently UNM’s most lucrative investment, Stokes said.
“The return on these investments produces hundreds of scholarships every year to students across multiple disciplines,” Stokes said. “Students also get internships at places like Sludge after they graduate.”
UNM freshman Sera Mick said she thinks UNM’s continued investments in toilet removal are “unplumbed.”
“How can you continue to support companies whose actions destroy bathrooms?” Mick asked.
The lack of toilets has sparked an
increase in customers visiting department and hardware stores to try to replace their missing toilets.
Phillip Screw, the national spokesperson from Home Deplorable, said the company is facing a toilet shortage at their stores and that the price of toilets is skyrocketing.
“It’s hard to restock to meet the demand, because toilets have gotten so expensive, which also forces us to raise our prices,” Screw said.
Plumbers are also overwhelmed by the amount of calls for toilet instal-
Toilet-removal page 7
By Addison Fulton @dailylobo
During the month of April, the University of New Mexico Southwest Film Center will publicly screen the nightmarish scenes you see in your mind every time you close your eyes.
The screenings will be accompanied by a Q&A session with the director — an unnamed white man with a salt-and-pepper beard, an ill-fitting blazer and bright orange suede shoes.
Starting with a classic, the SWFC is currently airing that nightmare you had as a child where all of your teeth
fell out. It started with just one tooth in the morning, standing in front of the mirror getting ready for school. You were almost proud; you could see a quarter in your future. But then they kept dropping. One fell to the floor when you twisted the door handle. Another in the car. More, on the playground. One on the timed multiplication test you knew you were failing.
Soon you’re standing there, barely tall enough to see yourself in the mirror as it all happens too fast. Tooth, tooth, tooth. Drip, drip, drip.
Following the tooth dream is the dream where you are falling incredibly fast from a high height. You plummet to the ground, falling onto
the asphalt of the street where you learned to ride a bike. You start walking, though you do not know what you are walking toward. It’s dark. Some animal lunges at you, and you brace yourself. With strength you didn’t know you had, you throw it off of you, but it keeps coming back. Soon, even in the dream, you are too tired to fight. The thing you have been running from all your life catches up to you. It might be a bear; it might be your first crush.
The festival will conclude with a double-feature: the dream where you’re naked in class and the dream you don’t tell anyone about, which leaves you unsettled, even though you aren’t sure it counts as a nightmare.
“What I wanted to do more than anything was capture the way the American dream has decayed into a nightmare for much of the young adult population,” the unnamed director said as his blazer grew tighter, constricting him like a python. “Imagine if you could capture the exact moment a rotten peach splattered against the ground; the exact second a good relationship went bad; the last kind thing your father ever said to you. You can capture that in a nightmare.”
He said there is a definite feeling of fear and despair hanging around you.
“Yes, you specifically,” he said, pointing at you. “It’s a really easy feeling to tap into. Everyone is just
so frightened all of the time. Which is bad, I guess, but it’s good for me — a white guy who likes to make movies with a lot of Dutch angles and endings that make no sense.”
The director added that his main inspirations are Hitchcock, Lynch and that two-day old burrito you had right before going to bed.
Following the conclusion of the Nightmare Fest, the Southwest Film Center will air a screening of “Wicked.”
Addison Fulton is the culture editor for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at culture@dailylobo.com or on X @dailylobo
A promotional poster for Sludge, an underground toilet removal company, on display at UNM.
Maria Fernandez / Daily Lobo / @dailylobo see
Pie theft from page 1
times and “eating the pie immediately so no one else can take it.”
“There seems to be no pattern with who is targeted by these attacks,” Little Jack Horner, the chief investigating officer for UNMPD, said. “The perpetrator is certainly not discriminating based on pie type or who the pie
Duck exodus from page 4
sponded to messages, deadlines mysteriously moved earlier and all work inexplicably disappeared.
On the final fury, as Quackses stood defiantly before Scholes Hall, a strange and terrible sound shook the heavens.
could belong to. We have no idea who could be next.”
Horner said there have been reports of nearly every kind of pie being stolen, from sweet to savory. Blueberry, apple, pumpkin, rhubarb and shepherd’s pies have all been reported stolen.
There have also been two incidents of quiche going missing, but they were later returned unharmed — though no longer warm and with slightly stale crust. The quiches are believed to have been taken in error and were mistaken for pies, according to Horner. There are currently no leads on
who may be committing these heinous crimes or what their motive may be, according to Horner. UNMPD encourages students and the campus community to stay vigilant and be on the lookout for anyone who magically starts floating toward delicious scents wafting from windows.
Jaden McKelvey-Francis is a beat reporter for the Daily Lobo. He can be reached at culture@dailylobo.com or on X @jadenmckelvey
At first, students shrugged it off. Then came hour two. Then hour six. By hour 12, the noise had driven students to madness.
After the furies subsided and Stokes surrendered, Quackses led his
The Lobo Louie mascot suit, long thought to be a mere costume, began to move on its own. Then, from deep within its jaws, it let out a howl — a never-ending howl.
Toilet-removal from page 6
lations. According to Sue Err, a local plumber, many of her co-workers are leaving their hometowns to escape the constant stream of phone calls from customers.
exiled flock home to the Duck Pond — but an insurmountable obstacle lay ahead: Central Avenue.
Cars raged like a mighty river and terrible smells spread. One student, who had been waiting at the crosswalk since November, guarded the street.
Quackses stepped forward, wings
raised. The asphalt trembled. The lanes parted, revealing a clear path to the promised Duck Pond.
The ducks waddled through, followed by stunned students. As the last duck crossed, the road crashed shut, swallowing a stray scooter.
At the pond, Quackses stood upon a rock, lifted his beak and quacked: “Let my ducklings go.” And it was good.
Nate Bernard is the news editor for the Daily Lobo. He can be reached at news@dailylobo.com or on X @natebernard14
“Many of them are quitting their jobs as plumbers after over 10 years,” Err said. “The demand is physically and emotionally too much to handle, but I will continue to support my customers through this.”
Monday
Ancora Cafe and Bakery
Tabletop & Trading Card Games
6 AM - 8:30 PM, 148 Quincy St NE
Annapurna’s World Vegetarian Cafe
Chai Happy Hour 3-5pm 8am-8pm; 2201 Silver Avenue SE
ASUNM Southwest Film Center
View the movie schedule at swfc.unm.edu or @asunmswfc
Before Daylite Fuel Stop & Dispensary
8 AM - 9 PM | 191 Alameda Blvd. NW
Get 10% Off when you visit wearing our merch!
Big Ass Cookies
Order delicious sweets online! @bigasscookiesllc oterolane@yahoo.com 505-550-9478
Birthright of Albuquerque
Providing love, support, and hope to woman both before and after childbirth.
birthright.org/albuquerque New Volunteers Always Welcome
10AM-1PM; 3228 Candelaria Rd NE Dogtopia
Dog Boarding, Daycare, and Spa Services!
6:30 AM - 7:00 PM 3301 Coors Blvd NW dogtopia.com/albuquerque-west
Happy Cat Hotel & Spa
Book a Room or Spa Today!
8:30 am to 5:30 pm 3900 San Mateo Blvd NE happycathotel.com/albuquerquenm
JC’s New York Pizza Dept.
Buy Pizza, Wings and more with LoboCash through Grubhub
11AM - 10PM; 215 Central Ave NW (505) 766-6973
Joy Junction Thrift Shoppe
9 AM-7 AM 11030 Menaul BIvd NE
Mama and the Girls
Cannabis Dispensary and Education Center
8 AM- 10:30 PM 915 Yale Blvd SE Ste B
Outpost Performance Space Student discounts available! www.outpostspace.org For upcoming shows
Quirky Used Books & More
Books, Puzzles, Stickers, Mugs, Etc.
Mon: 11am – 6pm 120 Jefferson St NE
Earlier this month, witnesses posted video footage that shows unidentifiable members of all three companies entering residential and commercial properties and removing toilets.
One video shows a man climbing through a window and removing a toilet on a pulley.
Res Taurant, owner of The Restaurant, said his whole restaurant smelled like sewage gas.
“We noticed all that was left in the bathroom was an exposed sewage pipe,” Taurant said. “We had to close down for the day until we resolved the situation.”
Stokes said as long as toilet removal companies continue to maximize UNM’s investment returns, the University will not divest anytime soon.
Leila Chapa is the social media editor for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at socialmedia@dailylobo. com or on X @lchapa06
Sunshine Theater Buy your tickets today! Check out sunshinetheaterlive.com for more showings!
Test With Truman Be Empowered. Know Your Status. Walk in HIV Testing Monday: 8am-noon 801 Encino Pl NE
You Matter Counseling Services You Are Important. You Matter. Individual, Couple, and Family Therapy 8am - 7pm; 3809 Atrisco Dr NW
Tuesday
Ancora Cafe and Bakery
Taco Tuesday Sober Sound Lab & Open Jam 5 - 8:30 PM
6 AM - 8:30 PM, 148 Quincy St NE
Annapurna’s World Vegetarian Cafe Chai Happy Hour 3-5pm 8am-8pm; 2201 Silver Avenue SE ASUNM Southwest Film Center View the movie schedule at swfc.unm.edu or @asunmswfc Before Daylite Fuel Stop & Dispensary
8 AM - 9 PM ; 191 Alameda Blvd. NW
Get 10% Off when you visit wearing our merch! Big Ass Cookies Order delicious sweets online! @bigasscookiesllc oterolane@yahoo.com 505-550-9478
Birthright of Albuquerque
Providing love, support, and hope to woman both before and after childbirth. birthright.org/albuquerque New Volunteers Always Welcome 10AM-1PM; 3228 Candelaria Rd NE
Dogtopia Dog Boarding, Daycare, and Spa Services! 6:30 AM - 7:00 PM 3301 Coors Blvd NW dogtopia.com/albuquerque-west
Happy Cat Hotel & Spa Book a Room or Spa Today! 8:30 am to 5:30 pm 3900 San Mateo Blvd NE happycathotel.com/albuquerquenm
Paloma Chapa is the multimedia editor for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at multimedia@dailylobo. com or on X @paloma_chapa88
HAPS
Joy Junction Thrift Shoppe
9 AM-7 AM
11030 Menaul BIvd NE
Mama and the Girls Cannabis Dispensary and Education Center
8 AM- 10:30 PM;915 Yale Blvd SE Ste B
Outpost Performance Space Student discounts available! www.outpostspace.org For upcoming shows
The Entertainment Guide
Quirky Used Books & More
More than 16,000 Used Books
11am – 6pm; 120 Jefferson St NE
Sunshine Theater Buy your tickets today! Check out sunshinetheaterlive.com for more showings!
Test With Truman Be Empowered. Know Your Status. Walk in HIV Testing 1pm-5pm; 801 Encino Pl NE
You Matter Counseling Services You Are Important. You Matter. Individual, Couple, and Family Therapy 8am - 7pm; 3809 Atrisco Dr NW Wednesday
Ancora Cafe and Bakery
Karaoke & Family Game Night: Music & Legos 5 - 8:30 PM
6 AM - 8:30 PM, 148 Quincy St NE
Annapurna’s World Vegetarian Cafe Chai Happy Hour 3-5pm 8am-8pm; 2201 Silver Avenue SE ASUNM Southwest Film Center
Presents: Piece by Piece Free admission, Free Concessions
5:30 PM; SUB Theater
Before Daylite Fuel Stop & Dispensary
8 AM - 9 PM; 191 Alameda Blvd. NW
Get 10% Off when you visit wearing our merch!
Big Ass Cookies
Order delicious sweets online!
@bigasscookiesllc oterolane@yahoo.com 505-550-9478
Birthright of Albuquerque
Providing love, support, and hope to woman both before and after childbirth.
birthright.org/albuquerque
New Volunteers Always Welcome
10AM-1PM; 3228 Candelaria Rd NE
Dogtopia Dog Boarding, Daycare, and Spa Services!
6:30 AM - 7:00 PM 3301 Coors Blvd NW dogtopia.com/albuquerque-west
Happy Cat Hotel & Spa
Book a Room or Spa Today!
8:30 am to 5:30 pm
3900 San Mateo Blvd NE happycathotel.com/albuquerquenm
JC’s New York Pizza Dept.
Buy Pizza, Wings and more with LoboCash through Grubhub 11AM - 10PM; 215 Central Ave NW (505) 766-6973
Joy Junction Thrift Shoppe
9 AM-7 AM 11030 Menaul BIvd NE
Mama and the Girls Cannabis Dispensary and Education Center
8AM- 10:30PM; 915 Yale Blvd SE Ste B
Outpost Performance Space Student discounts available! www.outpostspace.org For upcoming shows
Quirky Used Books & More Fiction & Nonfiction Wed: 11am – 6pm 120 Jefferson St NE
Sunshine Theater Buy your tickets today! Check out sunshinetheaterlive.com for more showings!
Test
801 Encino Pl NE 505-272-1312
You Matter Counseling Services You Are Important. You Matter. Individual, Couple, and Family Therapy 8am - 7pm; 3809 Atrisco Dr NW
Thursday
Ancora Cafe and Bakery Open Mic Night
6 AM - 8:30 PM, 148 Quincy St NE
Annapurna’s World Vegetarian Cafe Chai Happy Hour 3-5pm 8am-8pm; 2201 Silver Avenue SE ASUNM Southwest Film Center View the movie schedule at swfc.unm.edu or @asunmswfc
Before Daylite Fuel Stop & Dispensary
8 AM - 9 PM;| 191 Alameda Blvd. NW
Get 10% Off when you visit wearing our merch!
Big Ass Cookies Order delicious sweets online! @bigasscookiesllc oterolane@yahoo.com 505-550-9478
Birthright of Albuquerque
Providing love, support, and hope to woman both before and after childbirth. birthright.org/albuquerque
New Volunteers Always Welcome
10AM-1PM; 3228 Candelaria Rd NE Dogtopia Dog Boarding, Daycare, and Spa Services!
6:30 AM - 7:00 PM 3301 Coors Blvd NW dogtopia.com/albuquerque-west Happy Cat Hotel & Spa Book a Room or Spa Today! 8:30 am to 5:30 pm 3900 San Mateo Blvd NE happycathotel.com/albuquerquenm
JC’s New York Pizza Dept. Buy Pizza, Wings and more with LoboCash through Grubhub 11AM - 10PM; 215 Central Ave NW (505) 766-6973
Joy Junction Thrift Shoppe 9 AM-7 AM 11030 Menaul BIvd NE
Mama and the Girls Cannabis Dispensary and Education Center 8AM-10:30PM; 915 Yale Blvd SE Ste B Outpost Performance Space Isaiah Collier—The World Is On Fire 7:30pm; 210 Yale Blvd NE Student discounts available! www.outpostspace.org
Quirky Used Books & More Books, Puzzles, Stickers, Mugs, Etc. 11am – 6pm; 120 Jefferson St NE Sunshine Theater Paleface Swiss * Stick To Your Guns * Nasty April 10, 2025 | 7:30pm $20 - $70 | 6:30pm Doors | All Ages 120 Central Ave SW
Test With Truman Be Empowered. Know Your Status. Walk in HIV Testing 5pm-7pm; 801 Encino Pl NE You Matter Counseling Services You Are Important. You Matter. Individual, Couple, and Family Therapy 8am - 7pm; 3809 Atrisco Dr NW Friday
Albuquerque Little Theatre View the 95th season! albuquerquelittletheatre.org 505-242-4750 224 San Pasquale SW Ancora Cafe and Bakery Comedy Night
6 AM - 8:30 PM, 148 Quincy St NE Annapurna’s World Vegetarian
HAPS
Saturday
Albuquerque Little Theatre
View the 95th season!
albuquerquelittletheatre.org
505-242-4750
224 San Pasquale SW
Ancora Cafe and Bakery
UFC Fight 2 - 8 PM
6 AM - 8:30 PM, 148 Quincy St NE
Annapurna’s World Vegetarian Cafe
Chai Happy Hour 3-5pm
8am-8pm; 2201 Silver Avenue SE
ASUNM Southwest Film Center Presents: Queer
Free admission, Free Concessions
6 PM; SUB Theater
Before Daylite Fuel Stop & Dispensary
8 AM - 9 PM; 191 Alameda Blvd. NW Get 10% Off when you visit wearing our merch!
Big Ass Cookies
Order delicious sweets online! @bigasscookiesllc oterolane@yahoo.com 505-550-9478
Dogtopia
Dog Boarding, Daycare, and Spa Services!
10:00 AM - 5:00 PM
3301 Coors Blvd NW dogtopia.com/albuquerque-west
Happy Cat Hotel & Spa
Book a Room or Spa Today!
8:30 am to 5:30 pm
3900 San Mateo Blvd NE happycathotel.com/albuquerquenm
JC’s New York Pizza Dept.
Buy Pizza, Wings and more with LoboCash through Grubhub 11AM - 12PM; 215 Central Ave NW (505) 766-6973
Joy Junction Thrift Shoppe
9 AM-7 AM 11030 Menaul BIvd NE
The Entertainment Guide
Mama and the Girls Cannabis Dispensary and Education Center
8 AM- 10:30 PM 915 Yale Blvd SE Ste B
Outpost Performance Space
How Outpost Works 11 am; 210 Yale Blvd SE www.outpostspace.org
Quirky Used Books & More
Brainstorming forum for new street newspaper 11 AM-12:30 PM; 120 Jefferson St NE Info: streetnewsabq@gmail.com
Sunshine Theater
Fit For An Autopsy * Mugshot * Tracheotomy April 12th 2025 | 8:00pm
$22 - $72 | 7:00pm Doors | All Ages 120 Central Ave SW
Test With Truman Be Empowered. Know Your Status. 801 Encino Pl NE 505-272-1312
You Matter Counseling Services
You Are Important. You Matter. Individual, Couple, and Family Therapy 8am - 6pm; 3809 Atrisco Dr NW
Sunday
Albuquerque Little Theatre View the 95th season! albuquerquelittletheatre.org 505-242-4750 224 San Pasquale SW
Ancora Cafe and Bakery Community venue dedicated to recovery, wellness & peer support
Hours: 8AM - 4PM, 148 Quincy St NE
Annapurna’s World Vegetarian Cafe Chai Happy Hour 3-5pm Sunday: 10am-8pm 2201 Silver Avenue SE ASUNM Southwest Film Center View the movie schedule at swfc.unm.edu or @asunmswfc
Before Daylite Fuel Stop & Dispensary
12 PM - 7 PM | 191 Alameda Blvd. NW Get 10% Off when you visit wearing our merch! Big Ass Cookies Order delicious sweets online! @bigasscookiesllc oterolane@yahoo.com 505-550-9478
Dogtopia
Boarding Drop-Off and Pick-Up Only
10:00 AM - 2:00 PM 3301 Coors Blvd NW dogtopia.com/albuquerque-west Happy Cat Hotel & Spa
Book a Room or Spa Today!
8:30 am to 5:30 pm 3900 San Mateo Blvd NE happycathotel.com/albuquerquenm
JC’s New York Pizza Dept. Buy Pizza, Wings and more with LoboCash through Grubhub 11AM - 10PM; 215 Central Ave, NW (505) 766-6973
Mama and the Girls
Cannabis Dispensary and Education Center
8AM-10:30PM; 915 Yale Blvd SE Ste B Outpost Performance Space Student discounts available! www.outpostspace.org
Redefining excellence: UNM Athletics boasts record-high
By Izabella Kubiak-Reseigh @kubiakizabella
The University of New Mexico’s student-athletes have redefined what it means to excel by earning a historically high average GPA of 0.02 for the fall 2024 semester.
In what some are calling “academic innovation” and others are calling “a cry for help,” the UNM Athletics Department now holds the distinction of having the highest team GPA in school history — and possibly the country.
When asked about the stunning figure, UNM Athletics Director
Joe Sport declined to comment. A spokesperson later clarified he was “still processing the math.”
Department members said the numerical jump is a groundbreaking achievement.
“Who needs A’s when you’ve got attitude?” academic advisor Pree Reckwisit asked.
According to internal sources, the 0.02 GPA was calculated using a formula involving missed assignments, unsubmitted Canvas quizzes and something called “vibe-based grading.” Several student athletes reportedly received extra credit for remembering their Wi-Fi password.
“This is next-level dedication,”
football coach Lucy van Pelt said. “We told them to give it their all, and they gave absolutely nothing. That’s commitment.”
The men’s football team ended the semester with a GPA of 0.01, fueled by a bold new academic strategy that replaced studying with team-building naps. Meanwhile, women’s volleyball submitted all assignments in Comic Sans, earning the team originality points and an average GPA of 0.03 — the highest of any UNM team.
Students outside the athletics department reacted with confusion and awe.
“How do you even get such a GPA?” one biochemistry major asked. “Is that, like, quantum?”
Sport said he plans to “lean into the greatness.”
“We’re always striving for excellence,” Sport said. “This is a jump in the right direction.”
Izabella Kubiak-Reseigh is a freelance reporter for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at sports@dailylobocom or on X @kubiakizabella
DAILY LOBO C ampus Calendar of Events Calendar
Monday-Sunday, March 31 - April 6, 2025 Events are free unless otherwise noted!
MONDAY
Campus Events
Manicure Monday WRC, Group Room
2:30 – 4:00pm
Attend for a DIY manicure. Hang out, relax, meet new people, and do a little self care. Nail polish is provided.
Japanese Study Session
Ortega Hall, Lab 6 3:00 – 5:00pm Hosted by the Language Learning Center.
Mentoring Monday SUB, Ballroom A 4:00 – 5:30pm Anderson School of Management mentoring event. Meetings
UNM Fiber Arts Club Meeting Honors College Forum
11:30am – 2:15pm Fiber Arts Club weekly meeting. Students for Justice in Palestine General Meeting Honors College Forum
3:00 – 4:00pm UNMSJP general weekly meeting. Anyone welcome to join.
Residence Hall Association General Board Meeting Hokona Classroom 7:00 – 8:00pm Lectures & Readings
Director’s Lectureship Seminar Series Comprehensive Cancer Center, Auditorium 11:30am – 12:30pm Elizabeth Kaweesa, PhD, NIH MOSAIC presents “Identification and Assessment of Natural Compounds as Anti-Cancer Drug Leads in Ovarian Cancer.” Center for Stable Isotopes Seminar PAIS Room 1010
12:00 – 1:00pm Emily Milton, Michigan State University, presents “Breaking Bird: Isotopic Methods for Identifying Guano Fertilizers in Peru.”
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation Mesa Vista Hall, Room 1104
1:30 – 2:30pm Javier Sanchez, History, presents “???To Hold for Themselves, Their Children, and Their Heirs???: The Saga of Mexicano Settlement in the Lower Estancia Valley, 18001925.”
No False Solutions 102 Training + Legislative Session Report Back 4:00 – 6:00pm
SUB Acoma Rooms A + B Join UNM LEAF, YUCCA, and the ASUNM Director of Environmental Affairs for training on false climate solutions and greenwashing tactics pushed by industry. This session will explore how these policies impact New Mexico and how to resist them. There will also be key takeaways from the 2025 legislative session—what passed, what didn’t, and what’s next in the fight for climate justice.
The 39th Annual Helen Damico Memorial Lecture Series: The Interconnected Middle Ages Woodward Hall 101 5:30 – 6:30pm Kevin J. Harty, LaSalle University, presents “James Bond, A Grifter, A Video Avatar, and A Shark Walk into King Arthur’s Court: The EverExpanding Canon of Cinema Arthuriana.”
Workshops
Look Good Feel Better, Helping Women With Cancer UNM Comprehensive Cancer 12:30 – 2:30pm Workshop covering skin care & makeup, wigs & head coverings, scarf tying Techniques, body image, wardrobe & styling and nail care.
TUESDAY
Campus Events
Eid Mubarak Celebration
Ortega Hall Room 135
11:00am – 12:30pm
A fun-filled Eid Celebration with games, food, music, and more! Come enjoy the festivities and celebrate together with the community.
Yoga with the AAPIRC Mesa Vista Hall, Room 1064
12:00 – 1:00pm Join the Women’s Resource Center, Global Education Office, and the Asian American Pacific Islander Resource Center in their weekly yoga meetings.
UNM Campus Tree Celebration Flag poles south of Scholes Hall
12:30 – 1:30pm Kick off Earth Month and celebrate UNM becoming an Arbor Day Higher Education Tree Campus. There will be remarks, a seed exchange, and tree tours.
Lectures & Readings
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation
Ortega, Room 323D
8:00 – 9:00am
Arden Gewirtz Levine, Foreign Languages Literatures, presents “The Role Of The Church In The
German Democratic Republic: Examining The Representation Of Christianity In The Novel And Film Einer Trage Des Anderen Last Within Its Cultural And Historical Context.”
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation CHTM, Room 103 9:00 – 10:00am Collin Burt, Interdisciplinary Engineering, presents “Design and Characterization of RadiationHardened GaAs HBT-Based Optical Transceivers.”
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation Johnson Center 11:00am – 12:00pm Maja Gebauer, Health Exercise & Sports Science, presents “The effect of percussion therapy (Theragun TM) on muscle soreness and strength after strenuous exercise.”
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation Geography 12:00 – 1:00pm
Muniwara Nurudeen, Geography, presents “Assessing impacts and policies associated with small-scale illegal mining activities in Ghana.”
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation PAIS 1010: Work Room 1:00 – 2:00pm Olumide Adedeji, Earth & Planetary Sciences, presents “Seismological Applications to Crustal Deformation and Explosion Discrimination.”
Visiting Artist Lecture: Lisa Samudio Art Building, Room 141 1:00 – 2:00pm A literal layering of images allows Lisa to explore transformation in real time and space, along with erosion, repetition, and patterning. Her newest body of work aims to specifically translate her feelings of vulnerability in a new community, and embodies a commitment to living with and understanding change.
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation CHTM 101 2:00 – 3:00pm Landon, Schmucker, Interdisciplinary Engineering, presents “Design of a Subthreshold CMOS Inverter-Based Amplifier for Low-Noise and Low-Power Applications.”
NUPAC Seminars
2:00 – 3:00pm PAIS 3205
Daniele Alves, LANL, presents “MERA for Quantum Field Theories.”
The 39th Annual Helen Damico Memorial Lecture Series: The Interconnected Middle Ages Woodward Hall 101 5:30 – 6:30pm Jill Caskey, University of Toronto, presents “Apprehending Global Networks in the Fourteenth-Century Bari Inventories.”
Meetings
Arabic Club Ortega Hall, Room 135 1:00 – 2:00pm Hosted by the Language Learning Center.
Workshops
Pizza & Presentation Skills: Delivering Presentations Zimmerman Library B30 11:00am – 12:00pm Learn about what it takes to both prepare a presentation from a mental and constructive feedback perspective, as well as how to orally deliver both oral and poster presentations effectively and with confidence.
Compost Workshop Lobo Gardens 2:00 – 3:15pm Eva Stricker, NM Research Assistant Professor, will present a home composting workshop.
WEDNESDAY
Campus Events
Hump Day HIV Testing SHAC, Health Promotion Office 11:00am – 2:00pm Free HIV testing at the SHAC.
Crafternoon Women’s Resource Center 1:00 – 3:30pm Hang out, relax, meet new people, and learn a new craft. This week will be coloring and open crafting.
Theater & Film
Arabic Film Screenings: Terrorism & Kebab Ortega Hall, LLC Movie Room 3:00 – 4:00pm A family man frustrated by bureaucracies of Egyptian public system as well as difficulties of life finds himself inadvertently accused of terrorism.
Midweek Movies: Piece By Piece SUB, Theater 5:30 – 9:00pm LEGO bricks tell the life story of singer/songwriter and record producer Pharrell Williams -- from his childhood in Virginia to his success in the music and fashion industry.
Meetings
French Club
Lectures & Readings
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation Carlisle Gym 10:00 – 11:00am Jessica Wilson, Theater & Dance, presents “Winter’s End: Stopping the Rite and Reclaiming Spring.”
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation Clark Hall 201 10:00 – 11:00am John Boynton, Chemistry, presents “A Mutational Analysis of Thatisin: Deriving Information from an Understudied Peptide Using Single Site Mutations.”
Coca Cola v. Coca Pola: The Protection of Traditional Knowledge and Cultural Expressions in the Americas LAII Conference Room 3:00 – 4:00pm Professor Paul Figueroa, UNM Law, presents.
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation Ortega 435 2:30 – 3:30pm Julianne Peterman, English, presents “Service: A Novel.” Economics Club Presentation ECON Room 1052 5:00 – 6:00pm Lecture on preparing for graduate school.
The 39th Annual Helen Damico Memorial Lecture Series: The Interconnected Middle Ages Woodward Hall 101 5:30 – 6:30pm Jonathan Hsy, George Washington University, presents “Disability and Life Writing in a Global Middle Ages: Mutual Aid and Collective Care.”
Workshops
Xicanxfuturisms Writing Workshop
Illustrated by Leila Chapa
DAILY LOBO C ampus Calendar of Events Calendar
The Open Table Connection will offer a variety of ways for students to learn about, connect with, and live out their faith. Text studies, theological dialogue, spiritual practices, prayer, worship, Holy Communion, and service opportunities LGBTQAI+ Affirming.
Lectures & Readings
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation 12:00 – 1:00pm RHFH 303
Michael Bennett, Biomedical Science Graduate Program, presents “Determinants of Neural Viability Following Spreading Depolarization.”
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation
Logan Library
12:30 – 1:30pm Amanda Cramer, Psychology, presents “Correlates of Internalized Weight Bias in an Ethnically Diverse College Sample.”
OSE Seminar PAIS, Room 2540
12:45 – 1:45pm
Dr. Jeff Nicholson, OSE Alumnus, Distinguished Member of Technical Staff and Senior Engineering Manager, presents.
CART Astrophysics Seminar Series PAIS 3205
2:00 – 3:00pm Rajorshi Bhattacharya, UNM, presents.
a loved one who has died from cancer.
Luther House/ Open Table Connections Dinner and Dialogue Dane Smith Hall
5:00 – 7:30pm Following a free community meal,
Research Days 2025 Castetter 100
3:30 – 4:30pm
Dr. Rebecca Safran, University of Colorado, presents “Barn Swallows and Humans: The Rise and Fall of
Coexistence in a Changing World.”
The 39th Annual Helen Damico Memorial Lecture Series: The Interconnected Middle Ages Woodward Hall 101 3:30 – 6:30pm Musical Performance by the UNM Early Music Ensemble at 3:30pm. Lecture at 5:30. Sharon Kinoshita, University of California, Santa Cruz, presents “Marco Polo’s Description of the World and the Diversity of the Global Middle Ages.”
Gale Memorial Lecture Series ARTSLab
5:30 – 6:30pm Elaine Buckholtz presents.
Meetings
SCRAP Meeting Popejoy Hall, Room B-409 4:00 – 5:30pm Join SCRAP in their weekly meetings.
Student Groups & Gov
Chinese Club Study Group
Ortega Hall, LLC Lab 1 12:30 – 3:30pm Join Chinese Club for their weekly group study sessions.
Art & Music
UNM Opera presents: Little Women
7:30 – 9:00pm Composed by Mark Adamo; lyrics in English. Directed by Dr. Olga Perez Flora; conducted by Dr. Kristin Ditlow. $20 general admission, $10 seniors, UNM employees, and student.
FRIDAY
Lectures & Readings
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation Zimmerman, Waters Room 9:00 – 10:00am Kevin McQuirk, Biology, presents “Ecoimmunology of “dirty” Physella acuta snails.”
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation Physics & Astronomy and Interdisciplinary Science building 1:00 – 2:00pm Kylar Greene, Physics & Astronomy, presents “Challenging LCDM: unraveling cosmic distances, dark sector phenomenology, and alternative primordial B-mode sources.”
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation Frank Waters Room, Zimmerman Library
2:00 – 3:00pm Gwyneth Hanke, English, presents “Asides (a novel).”
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation CHTM Room 103
2:00 – 3:00pm Subhashree Seth, Physics & Astronomy, presents “Photonic Crystal Sufrace Emitting Lasers (PCSELs) by Epitaxial Regrowth.”
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation
HSC-IDTC-2135-Conference Room
2:00 – 3:00pm John Ringer, Computer Science, presents “A Computational Method for Detecting Compound Promiscuity in Early-Stage Pharmaceutical Discovery.”
Economics Seminar Econ, 1002 2:00 – 3:00pm
Dr. Cristina Reiser, UNM, presents “Best Practices in Teaching.”
Research Days 2025 SLMC 102
3:30 – 4:30pm
Dr. Pelvin Volkan, Duke University, presents “Effect of social experience on gene expression, circuit function, and behaviors”
Physics and Astronomy Colloquium PAIS 1100
3:30 – 4:30pm
Dr. Raman Sundrum, University of Maryland, presents “Cosmology and Unification.”
Thesis/Dissertation Presentation Zimmerman Library, Frank Waters Room
4:00 – 5:00pm Billy von Raven, Art History, presents “Glitches in the Fabric: Resisting Atomic Time, Refusing to be Nuclear Family.”
Meetings
Qur’an Reading Group 10:00 – 11:00am Ortega Hall, LLC Movie Room Hosted by the Language Learning Center.
Student Groups & Gov
Japanese Club SUB, Scholars Room 5:00 – 6:00pm
Illustrated by Paloma Chapa
DAILY LOBO CLASSIFIEDS
CLEARHEADEDNESS. COMPETITIVENESS. CRYPTOCURRENCIES. Services
MATHEMATICS, STATISTICS TUTOR Billy Brown PhD. College and HS. Telephone and internet tutoring available. 505401-8139, welbert53@aol.com
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Awesome university apartments. Unique, hardwood floors, FPs, courtyards, fenced yards. Houses, cottages, efficiencies, studios, 1, 2 and 3BDRMs. Garages. 505-843-9642. Open 5 days/week.
2BDRM APARTMENT NEAR UNM. Off- street parking, oak floors, $895/ mo. See photos in Craigslist ad. sagebrush@tutamail.com.
5 MIN WALK TO UNM. Furnished Santa Fe casa charm. 1BRDM 1BA. 900sqft. Mountain/City views. Fully updated, ceramic tile floors, private access. $1399/mo includes utililities/ internet. 505-750-1486.
1 BDRM HOUSE/CASITA
DAILY LOBO C ampus Calendar of Events
Campus Calendar continued from page 11
boyfriend and his parents. Tickets start at $15.50.
Perception is a Fold in the Flesh of the World: MFA Thesis by Nancy Dewhurst 2:00 – 5:00pm 6th Street Studio Nancy Dewhurst MFA thesis closing. BODYTRAFFIC Popejoy Hall
7:30 – 9:30pm BODYTRAFFIC captivates audiences with technical brilliance and unmatched versatility, performing a repertoire that spans ballet, contemporary, modern, Afro-Cuban, and hip-hop dance. Celebrating both emerging and established choreographers, the company embraces diverse styles and perspectives to share powerful stories through movement. Tickets start at $29.50.
UNM Opera presents: Little Women Keller Hall 7:30 – 9:00pm Composed by Mark Adamo; lyrics in English. Directed by Dr. Olga Perez Flora; conducted by Dr. Kristin Ditlow. $20 general admission, $10 seniors, UNM employees, and student.
Sports & Recreation
UNM Woman’s Tennis vs Air Force McKinnon Family Tennis Stadium 12:00 – 2:00pm UNM Woman’s Tennis faces off against Air Force. Tickets are free for students but must be acquired online.
SATURDAY
Art & Music
UNM Opera presents: Little Women Keller Hall
7:30 – 9:00pm Composed by Mark Adamo; lyrics in English. Directed by Dr. Olga Perez Flora; conducted by Dr. Kristin Ditlow. $20 general admission, $10 seniors, UNM employees, and
student.
Sports & Recreation
UNM Softball vs Boise State Lobo Softball Field 2:00 – 4:00pm UNM Softball faces off against Boise State. Tickets are free for students but must be acquired online.
Theater & Film
SWFC Movie: Queer
SUB Theater 6:00 – 8:00pm Lee, a solitary American in Mexico City, falls for a beautiful, elusive former soldier. Journeying together into the jungle, Lee sees, for the first time, the possibility of an intimate and infinite love.
Landmark Musicals: The Addams Family Rodey Theater 7:00 – 9:30pm Wednesday Addams, the ultimate princess of darkness, has fallen in love with a young man from a respectable family. Wednesday confides in her father and begs him not to tell her mother. Now, Gomez Addams must keep a secret from his beloved wife, Morticia. Everything will change for the whole family on the fateful night they host a dinner for Wednesday’s “normal” boyfriend and his parents. Tickets start at $15.50.
August Wilson’s Two Trains Running Popejoy Hall
7:30 – 9:30pm Set in 1969 amidst the Civil Rights movement, Memphis Lee’s Pittsburgh diner is scheduled to be demolished to make way for urban
redevelopment. A fight for justice and dignity develops as members of the Black community battle for recognition and rights. Performed by The Acting Company, the play reveals the depths of racism’s roots and its profound, perpetual effect on the American psyche. Tickets start at $29.50.
Workshops
Curanderismo Workshop #3 CEC, 807 10:00am – 12:00pm
Limpias y Curaciones: Curanderismo ceremonies/ cleansings workshop with Gabino Noriega.
SUNDAY
Sports & Recreation
Everything will change for the whole family on the fateful night they host a dinner for Wednesday’s “normal” boyfriend and his parents. Tickets start at $15.50.
Art & Music
UNM Opera presents: Little Women Keller Hall
2:00 – 3:00pm Composed by Mark Adamo; lyrics in English. Directed by Dr. Olga Perez Flora; conducted by Dr. Kristin Ditlow. $20 general admission, $10 seniors, UNM employees, and student.
Theater & Film
Landmark Musicals: The Addams
The Comedy of Errors Popejoy Hall 3:00 – 4:00pm Shakespeare’s farcical tale of separated families and mistaken identities still delights audiences young and old. Antipholus and his servant, Dromio, travel in search of a long-lost family member, only to get mixed up in a madcap race against the clock, love-at-firstdouble-take, run-ins with local law enforcement, and double trouble – times two. Adapted by Christina Anderson into a modern verse translation, this play is performed by Tony Award-winning ensemble, The Acting Company. Tickets start at $29.50.