Lesbians are more than just your sexual fantasy

Eve Attwood Features Writer

People talk a lot about being ‘comfortable’ with their sexuality, claiming they eventually reach a period of liberation from any associated feelings of shame and embarrassment. I definitely feel more comfortable in my sexuality than I did when I was fifteen, but to say that in every aspect, I feel ‘comfortable’ would be a lie. Even to this day, I, as a lesbian, struggle with internalised homophobia. I struggle with telling people “This is who I am” or “This is who I choose to date”. I struggle with the fear of being rejected by those who view my sexuality as sinful, as offensive, or even invalid.

Everyone in the LGBTQ+ community will understand these feelings, but it is arguable that there are certain stereotypes and stigmas particularly surrounding lesbians. What is it about the word ‘lesbian’ which holds such sexualised connotations? What is it about lesbians that people on PornHub seem to find so fascinating?

I think beginning with the word itself is a good place to start. ‘Lesbian’ as a word is more often than not used in a sexualised context. It is used on countless porn sites, with many having whole sections dedicated to lesbian porn, particularly for men who have sexual fantasies about having a threesome with two women. In 2022 alone, ‘lesbian’ was PornHub’s most viewed category globally. ‘Lesbian’ was also the second most-searched term on PornHub in the UK.

Lesbians are rendered sexual objects for men, their individuality and identity discarded. We are presented as devoid of the capacity for romance, instead portrayed as nymphomaniacs or ultra-masculine.

One of the reasons I struggled so much to come out as lesbian and first came out as bisexual because I had negative and frankly, prejudiced views, about lesbians. I thought of lesbians as all being short-haired, masculine-looking women who wore dungarees or biker jackets and probably drank lager. I didn’t identify with them because I felt I didn’t look like this stereotype, nor did I have an interest in dating this stereotyped image. I liked girls who were more feminine, and as a result, I took this as a sign I wasn’t a lesbian at all, that I was just confused. If I as a lesbian even held these homophobic views, I can’t imagine what kind of stereotypes the rest of the world holds too. There is a fundamental problem with people categorising lesbians into one box and disregarding our different personalities and styles

The lack of lesbians in TV shows, films and books also definitely had an impact on my perception of what lesbians in real life looked like. Even now, many lesbian films are either overly sexual or end unhappily. When I saw Looking for Her– a lesbian Christmas film which looks just the right amount of cheesy –I can’t tell you how happy it made me. To some, it might seem insignificant, but to me I was being seen. It felt normal, just for one minute, because it is normal. There’s nothing abnormal about being a lesbian, being someone who loves someone else. So why should we not be represented better? Just because we are not the majority doesn’t mean we don’t exist.

Heterosexual relationships have always been viewed as inherently romantic. The same can’t be said for LGBTQ+ relationships. There is always the sense that as a lesbian, I have to prove to others that my relationship is “real” and not just a friendship. There is always the sense that people believe, because there is no man involved, it is somehow a phase I will grow out of. I remember when I came out, a boy at my school told me that lesbian sex wasn’t real because it didn’t involve male penetration. I’m not sure if I’m missing something, but as far as I’m aware, sex is sex, whether there’s a man involved or not.

Image: Unsplash

I’ll finish by saying this: You’re not a terrible person if you’ve consumed lesbian porn, or if you’ve made the odd stereotype about lesbians. But I am saying this: consider that not all lesbians are the same, we are more than just pornographic sexual fantasies, and we just want the same things you want – love.