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Features The Jess Blissitt Features Writer
I’m s t a r i n g at a p l a s t i c c u p , swirling the liquor i n s i d e. Eve r yo n e e l s e s at a g a i n s t t h e m e t a l ra i l i n g s s l i g ht l y b o b b i n g to t h e h e av y gr i m e m u s i c. S h e’s l o o k i n g at m e, ex p e c t i n g a n a n s we r to t h e q u e s t i o n , “ S o… h ave yo u d o n e i t ? ” N o o n e n e e d e d to d e te r m i n e w h at ‘i t ’ wa s, we a l l k n e w. Th i s wa s t h e o n e q u e s t i o n t h at b o n d e d yo u w i t h fe l l ow f re s h e r s. Wh o’s d o n e i t ? Wh o’s d o i n g i t, w h o’s d o n e i t w i t h to o m a ny p e o p l e, a n d w h o’s n o t d o n e i t a l l. I wa s i n t h e m i d d l e o f a s ex u a l h i at u s, b e t te r k n ow n a s t h e s e co n d l o c k d ow n , a n d t h e a n x i e t i e s o f ‘ l o s i n g i t ’ b e fo re u n i ve r s i t y h a d d w i n d l e d a l o n g w i t h my s o c i a l i nte ra c t i o n s. M y l o gi c wa s f l aw l e s s - i f I co u l d n’t h i g h f i ve my f r i e n d s, h ow wa s I m e a nt to b e h av i n g s ex ? I
14th February 2023
Virginity
wa s n’t p at h e t i c, I wa s fo l l ow i n g t h e l o c k d ow n p ro ce d u re ! An d ye t, w h e n a gro u p o f f i r s t ye a r s a re t h row n i nto a f l at to g e t h e r w i t h l i t t l e s h a re d ex p e r i e n ce a n d e ve n l e s s i n co m m o n , o u r co nve r s at i o n i n e v i t a b l y d r i f t s to s ex . I t h a d n’t o cc u r re d to m e to b e a n x i o u s a b o u t t h i s, b e c a u s e I i n n o ce nt l y a s s u m e d e ve r yo n e h a d h a d t h e s a m e i s o l ate d ex p e r i e n ce a s mys e l f, a n d t h at n o o n e h a d b ro k e n r u l e s fo r a c h e e k y s h a g. Tu r n s o u t, I wa s w ro n g, s o I l i e d. Wi t h t h e wo r r y o f m e e t i n g n e w p e o p l e we i g h i n g o n m e, I d e c i d e d to t r y a n d re p re s s my a c t u a l p e r s o n a l i t y i n f re s h e r s. Wh e n a s k e d a b o u t my v i rgi n i t y my a n s we r wa s s i m i l a r to t h e o t h e r p a r t s o f m e t h at h a d b e e n p e r fe c t l y c ra f te d fo r u n i ve r s i t y, “ Ye s, o f co u r s e. Wi t h my ex , o n l y o n ce.” Lo o k i n g b a c k , I’m n o t a n n oye d I l i e d b u t rat h e r t h e f a c t I fe l t I h a d to l i e. Wa s t h e t r u t h re a l l y s o aw f u l ?
I’m n o t g o i n g to te l l yo u my v i rgi n i t y s to r y, b e c a u s e t r u t h f u l l y, d o n’t we h ave a b i l l i o n o f t h e m ? Wh at i s co n s i d e re d l o s i n g my i n n o ce n ce a n d p u r i t y ? S h o u l d I h ave h e l d o nto my v i rgi n i t y m o re t i g ht l y ? I re a d Lo s i n g I t by S o p h i a S m i t h G a l e r, a n d t h i s s e nte n ce s t r u c k m e, “ I n E n g l i s h [ l a n g u a g e ] , v i rgi n i t y i s l o s t o r t a k e n fo r o n e time use - a perishable good” s h e a rg u e s t h at v i rgi n i t y i s n’t a s
Myth n o t h i n g to yo u, t h e wo r l d ’s f i x at i o n h a s n o t h i n g to d o w i t h o u r b o d i e s. Th e re’s n o a g e l i m i t a s to w h e n yo u s h o u l d l o s e yo u r v i rgi n i t y, i t ’s a l l a b o u t p e r s o n a l p re fe re n ce, s o i t ’s t i m e to va n q u i s h t h i s my t h a n d b u t t o u t o f p e o p l e’s b u s i n e s s.
Image: Unsplash
s i m p l e a s t h at, a n d grow i n g u p w i t h t h e co n ce p t i o n t h at i t ’s n o t a b i g d e a l i s a m a s s i ve p r i v i l e g e. ‘ Lo s i n g i t ’ m e a n s d i f fe re nt t h i n g s to d i f fe re nt p e o p l e. Th e t r u t h i s, w h e n I d i d l o s e i t, I fe l t u n c h a n g e d, t h e o n l y t h i n g t h at h a d c h a n g e d wa s t h e i nt i m a c y b e t we e n m e a n d my p a r t n e r. S o w hy wa s I s o e a g e r to s ay t h at I wa s n’t a v i rgi n i n f re s h e r s ? N ow I c a n s ay t h at to m e, v i rgi n i t y i s a my t h , i t c a n b e w h ate ve r yo u wa nt i t to b e. O r i t c a n b e
Lesbians are more than just your sexual fantasy which holds such sexualised connotations? What is it about lesbians that people on Por nHub seem to find so fascinating?
Eve Attwood Features Writer
l o t w i t h their sexualit y,
People talk a about being ‘c o m f o r t a b l e ’ claiming
they
eventually reach a per iod of liberation from any associated feelings of shame and embar rassment. I definitely feel more comfor table in my sexualit y than I did when I was fif teen, but to say that in ever y aspec t, I feel ‘comfor table’ would be a lie. Even to this day, I, as a lesbian, struggle with inter nalised homophobia. I struggle with telling people “ This is who I am” or “ This is who I choose to date”. I struggle with the fear of being rejec ted by those who view my sexualit y as sinful, as offensive, or even invalid. Ever yone in the LGBTQ+ communit y will understand these feelings, but it is arguable that there are cer tain stereot ypes and stigmas par ticular ly sur rounding lesbians. What is it about the word ‘ lesbian’
I think beginning with the word itself is a good place to star t. ‘Lesbian’ as a word is more of ten than not used in a sexualised contex t. I t is used on countless por n sites, with many having whole sec tions dedicated to lesbian por n, par ticular ly for men who have sexual fantasies about having a threesome with t wo women. I n 2022 alone, ‘ lesbian’ was Por nHub’s most viewed categor y globally. ‘Lesbian’ was also the second most-searched ter m on Por nHub in the UK . Lesbians are rendered sexual objec ts for men, their individualit y and identit y discarded. We are presented as devoid of the capacit y for romance, instead por trayed as nymphomaniacs or ultra-masculine. One of the reasons I struggled so much to come out as lesbian and first came out as bisexual because I had negative and frank ly, prejudiced views, about lesbians. I thought of lesbians as all being shor t-haired, masculine -look ing women who wore dungarees or biker jackets and probably drank lager. I didn’t identify with
them because I felt I didn’t look like this stereot ype, nor did I have an interest in dating this stereot yped image. I liked gir ls who were more feminine, and as a result, I took this as a sign I wasn’t a lesbian at all, that I was just confused. I f I as a lesbian even held these homophobic views, I can’t imagine what k ind of stereot ypes the rest of the wor ld holds too. There is a fundamental problem with people categor ising lesbians into one box and disregarding our different personalities and st yles The lack of lesbians in T V shows, films and books also definitely had an impac t on my perception of what lesbians in real life looked like. Even now, many lesbian films are either over ly sexual or end unhappily. When I saw Look ing for Her– a lesbian Chr istmas film which looks just the r ight amount of cheesy – I can’t tell you how happy it made me. To some, it might seem insignificant, but to me I was being seen. I t felt nor mal, just for one minute, because it is nor mal. There’s nothing abnor mal about being a lesbian, being someone who loves someone else. S o why should we not be represented better? Just because we are not the major it y
“Just because we are not the majority doesn’t mean we don’t exist.” doesn’t mean we don’t exist. Heterosexual relationships have always been viewed as inherently romantic. The same can’t be said for LGBTQ+ relationships. There is always the sense that as a lesbian, I have to prove to others that my relationship is “real ” and not just a fr iendship. There is always the sense that people believe, because there is no man involved, it is somehow a phase I will grow out of. I remember when I came out, a boy at my school told me that lesbian sex wasn’t real because it didn’t involve male penetration. I’m not sure if I’m missing something, but as far as I’m aware, sex is sex, whether there’s a man involved or not.
Image: Unsplash I’ll finish by saying this: You’re not a ter r ible person if you’ve consumed lesbian por n, or if you’ve made the odd stereot ype about lesbians. But I am saying this: consider that not all lesbians are the same, we are more than just por nographic sexual fantasies, and we just want the same things you want – love.
“We just want the same things you want - love.”
