Concrete issue 106 01 12 1999

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Plain English exP-erts slate Union's P-rOP-OSed .· new constitution

By JAMES GOFFIN, News Editor

BULL - that's what plain English experts reckon sums up the Union's attempt at rewriting its constitution.

Top wordsmiths at the Plain English Campaign say that the draft rulebook being put forward by sabbs is too complicated, and will leave students dazed and confused.

But Union bosses claim that the constitution doesn't need to be any simpler - because students never bother reading it.

John Lister of the Plain English Campaign thinks the Union needs to have a serious re-think about the new constitution. "it's got a fair way to go before it could be considered plain English ." "it's very wordy, and uses unfamiliar words that people don't use in their normal day, like nomenclature and inter alia," railed John. "it's also very difficult to follow from point to point," he added.

Golden Bull And he slated one section setting out financial protection for Union staff as being a contender for the Campaign's

Golden Bull award · a prize that celebrates examples of truly bad English.

But Union Academic Officer, Lisa Eldret, claims that the constitution has to be complicated. "lt must uso very legal •••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Other news: - Fridge plans scrapped 3 - Prince William coming to UEA? 2 - Knife attack off Unthank 4 language because our constitution has to allow us to set up the trading companies that generate our income, otherwise we couldn 't function ," she said .

And she claimed that despite the jargon , students would be able to understand the rules · if they bothered reading them.

"To be honest, how many people are going to want to read the constitution in its entirety?"

Understand "I think most people if they read it would understand it, but we will probably also produce a 'users guide' to help," said Lisa.

But the Plain English Campaign firmly rejected the Union's excuses. ''We helped NatWest bank rewrite their articles of memorandum, which were around 300 years old - and they subsequently managed to earn our Crystal Mark for clear English ," explained Mr Lister.

And he attacked sabbs for seeking approval from solicitors rather than students .

- Continued on page 6 - Comment: page 8

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A sneak preview of Norwich 's new nightclub Time. which opens next week. Full story on page 7

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News

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Concrete Wednesday, December 1, 1999

Got a story? Let us know at the.Concrete office••• tel: 250558 email: su.concrete@uea.ac.uk

Band threat A HAPLESS student prankster has been caught out by police after sending a joke email to tribute band Bjorn Again.

Th e Abba -impe rsonating troupe 's management called in the Old Bi ll aft er receiving the message. warning them off vis iting Norw ich.

Computer bo ffin s at the Met traced the message back to the UEA ca mpu s. and with the he lp of the Uni versity identified th e student responsib le.

Po lice have yet to decide whether to take further action. but have received assurances from the culprit that there is no real threat to the performers. /\s a result. Bjorn Again have ag reed not to pull ou t of their planned LCR appearance on Tuesday. Dece mber 7.

Water world

By SARAH TAFT FUTURE UEA students may be abandoning their bus passes for rowing boats, on the basis of research by one UEA professor.

Professor Kerry Turner and his team at the Centre tor Social and Economic Research on the Global Environment (CSERGE) have been studying the effects which global warming will have in the East Anglia region. don't build;' said Professor His research suggests building an ark just yet, Turner, head of CSERGE. that Norwich and Professor Turner is keen to "The Government needs stress the importance of his Cambridge will become to lay down the framework to increasingly prone research and is urging the fiooding, with parts of the for taking preventive Government to discourage measur.es_ lt has done eventually being area economic growth and new building developments in permanently submerged as nothing about this at all" he a result of rising sea levels vulnerable areas. added. and sinking land levels.

"There's about 4,000 square Surrounded kilometres of East Anglia While current Norwich But the prospect of a inhabitants need not start · where we recommend people ..__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __,campus surrounded by

DIVA

HAIR

water doesn't seem to concern the current UEA population. "lt's really very sad, but it won't effect me;· said Ruth Blomiley (LLT 2) Dan Newman (MGT 3) had a suggestion for how UEA might tackle the problem.

"Maybe the Union could provide scuba diving gear in t he Freshers' packs."

Global warming

20%

DISCOUNT

67854

This may seem like an unbelievable scenario now, but researchers at UEA's Climatic Research Unit are predicting that 1999 will be Britain 's warmest year this millennium, suggesting that global warming a lot more immediate than we think.

Burger off

By CHARLOTTE RONALDS MOST STARS have a problem with meeting fans; but it was meat of the cooked animal variety that was bothering Morrissey when he came to perform at the LCR .

An infamous vegetarian, th e former Sm ith s fro nt man de manded that no meat , chicken, or fish be cons um ed backstage- or, in fac t, anywhere in the vicinity.

But according to the Union.

One of the victims of Mon·issey' s Rodney wouldn ' t have been phased "Meat is Murder'' campa ign was at all. popular campus burger vendor "Rodney was not given a reason Roclney, whose meat and vegetarian for being moved," confided Andy burgers are regularly enjoyed by students after gigs and clu b nights.

Marriot. '"I'm sure he wou ldn't even have Union Finance Officer. Andy known who Morrissey was:· he Marriot, explained: "We thought it added. would be inappropriate for Rod ney However. it seems burger man to be situated outside MoJTissey ' s Rod ney knows more about the dressing room, so we decided to just music scene than the Union gives move him down the road a bit where him credit for. the smell of fat wouldn "t be so "MoJTissey's a vegetaria n. so it great didn't bother me rea lly." explained Welfare Officer. Claire Kober.

Rodncy. who saw Morrissey perfom1. wasn · t "l'vly boy's a vegetarian. just the surprised by the former Smiths same. it's ju;,t part of life." front man' s request.

"And anyway. eve n hi s "He was good live. hut he's chauffeurs came and got a burger." pretentious about everything ." she he jn~cd. laughed.

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News3

Uni U·turns on plans for campus fridges

By CHARLOTTE RONALDS PUS ROOM bosses have dropped plans to double the number of ges in residences only a month after promising the scheme would ahead.

The U-turn comes despite massive student backing for the plans, and huge with the current set-up. where up to 14 people share a single fridge.

Office

fridge in kitchens - if noors coughed

£90 a year. " We are reacting to an idea that students put to us . We are willing to give it a go,

and then expand it next year... he told Concrete at the start of November.

But now letters are being sent to all students who applied to the Accommodation Office for more fridge and freezer space, de>.crihing the project as .. impractical...

"Although at first sight the idea seemed

workable. further investigations and visits to kitchens have concluded that it would be impractical,.. claims Mr Daly in the letter. ..We are sorry that those students who requested permission will be disappointed."

Students arc furiou' about being let down over the scheme.

that the fridge issue won't go away. and pledged that ~he will include it in rent negotiations .

···when· and ·where· are our priorities, and costs don't renlly come into it.'' she said.

- see Comment, page 8

Unhygienic .. There seems to he this misconception that students arc all unhygienic and cat unhcalthily. and so nothing is ever done to improve the situation - but fresh food is e"cntial for good health:· raged Hinclill Kathr~ n lEAS 1).

Ste,cn Dunn ISOC I ) was al'o hoppmg mad ahout ULA's continued failure to prov idc decent facilities. ··one fridge between 14 people is ridiculou' hccau., c nothing fits in :· But Clairc Kobcr.

Union Welfare Officer. is adamant

1--------------......:....-- - ---------------------.

Students hoP-e London street are Raved with gold

By CATHERINE JOHN 150 ANGRY students from UEA joineU others from across the country to fill the streets of London in a "March for Education" last week, demanding the abolition of tuition fees and an end to student hardship.

Over 15,000 students and lecturers protested peacefully over the Government's handling of higher education as they covered a four-mile route through central London to a rally in Kennlngton Park.

As part of the protest, students from across · the march, Union bosses at demonstrators from UEA country.

UEA are confident that the supported the National "lt is tight, I only have £50 a Government is listening, Union of Students' calls for week and you have to buy and that real changes are of the the extension books every semester, which on the way. minimum wage to include are expensive" , explained Tim " There is a real university students, and an McMaim of Hull University. possibility tuition fees will end to tuition fees.

But some students on the go in Scotland, so you have street had different to look at the march as part Hardship complaints, and urged the of a ·bigger picture,'' UEA marchers spoke of NUS to broaden its campaign. explained Union Welfare the hardship that forces Officer, Claire Kober.

Abolition them into part time jobs. " You have to see the "Tuition fees mean I could "The most important issue government is mid term, not survive at university is the abolition of the grant", that David Blunkett is without a job, it is very argued Tristan Jones, reviewing his education unfair,'' protested Joanna President of Cambridge budget and that within this Bates (EAS 1).

University Students' Union. framework there is a And the problems faced at Despite the lack of national possibility that things will Norwich were echoed by publicity obtained by the change."

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Touchy reely Sensitive French film-makers are calling for new rules to cut out unfavourable reviews of their work until at least a week after its release.

The national producers and directors' union reckons Gallic critics are " sadistic, arrogant, treacherous and cruel."

A classical education Tipsy students in Pittsburgh are being tempted out of their stupor by rousing blasts of classical music.

C.ampus police at the American university are blasting Mozart at the partying students between 10pm and 2am, Thursday to Saturday in the hope it will put them off alcohol.

The move is based on research that suggests playing children classical music helps them pay more attention at school.

Uniform fools Stunned coppers in Sussex have arrested a drunk dressed in police uniform won~ering round an unmanned police station In Hailsham. lt is the second time in a year that the station has been the venue for such high-spirited hijinks.

The show must go on A wedding singer in Egypt was so determined to finish his set that he returned guests' jeers with gunfire.

Ramadan Qibt was deemed so bad by well-wishers, that they dragged him off stage to avoid embarassing the happy couple.

But the angry performer returned to the celebrations in Cairo with a pistol, and opened fire on the 400 guests, injuring six people.

God's gift Judges in Hartford, Conneticut, convicted a couple for failing to repay their mortgage after throwing out their bizarre defence.

The husband and wife had run up $54,000 of unpaid bills, but claimed that they should be able to keep their house because God had forgiven them the debt.

Graduate Student's Club

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Would like to wish all its members Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ft• . ·. • • •' •• .• •• ". • ~.~·~:~~~-~~ ·~-. -~~~"'~·~~ Don't forget we are open over the Christmas holidays, check the Union pages for full details

Mugging_

By MO GRILLS

THE HIVE'S mug deposit scheme is all washed up, after Students' Forum detc:ldedl abolish the levy.

Until la;.t fortnight. st utknt;. had to leave a 50p depos it wit h bar 'tall if they wan ted to d rink from a mug. or pay 5p a cup ex tra for d rinks in poly;,tyrcnc.

But f'orum voted to get ri d of the depos it ":hcmc. and instead c:harge Sp a cup more to cover extra c:o,ts again;.! the advice of Union sabbs .

The move \\'~" pro posed by Sanjay Dary anani . and supported by

to get your 50 pence bac~... he exp lain ed .

But o thers were angry th at studcnb ha\ e to face a price hi~c bocau;.c of the change.

Expensive

thl.! Con ... cn·a tin~ grou p on Forum .

who claimed that china mugs \\ ere more em ironmenta ll y friendly th an the pol)styTene a lternati 1e .

Benefits Comenativc Soc c:hai nn an lan Mac~ic e\ plai ned the hendih of the change.

"0\er 90 per cent of the plastic cup.., an.: no long.~r thcd. it"..., a much more en1 1ronmenta ll) friend I) "'Y"l~m u . . ing thL' china lHll'"' ·· Students 111 The ll i\c had mi\L'd feeling..., about thL' d~cl"'torl.

Sa m ll arrison ISO(' I 1 thought it \\ould ma~ e using the cnfke hat .1

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"I! wa;, ben er\\ ith the deposit. as 110\\ tin: p~nL·~ more cxpensiYe ... comp la in ed knn) Bro" n (LI.T 21.

And Claire Kohe r. Un ion Welfare Officer. abo lamhastcd the new polic). despite it being apprmcd h) Forum.

"E\er)bOd) loses tlll\1 ... she

<.:oiTcc in a mu g j...,

... ((lflll~d.

"The studellls pa) more tor coffee. the ha1 staff ha\ e tn collect more mug.... and a... mnrL' ~ll\.' stnkn from J'hc lli\ c the price \1 ill ha\C hl increase aga tn .

On the fir st da) nl the

new scheme. ~8 mugs went As yet. no other security rneast ha' e bee n ;.uggested to replace tkpo;.it scheme .

News s

uestion mark over where h

By CLARE HAMILTON-EDDY, Assistant News Editor

NGRY STUDENTS have lashed out at food chiefs after student meal vouchers were by a University restaurant. controversial token scheme demanded that parents and ~tudents cough up over £200 for a term's worth h, before they had even tasted the food on offer from UEA catering. · ing to publicity for the ··we had gone to the Sainsbury may not have been informed of the the vouchers can be used in Centre because everything else was procedures," continued Ms Grant. closed."

But according to tudents at the ~harp end of the scheme, even full time staff don't know the rules.

"The member of staff that served over their vouchers at the "The weekends are a nightmare. us actually called her boss to We tend not to go to Breakers now, Centre Gallery Cafe, staff check." them that they cou Id not accept so I have to cook at the weekends," "That is where she got the he added.

UEA's Director of Residences impre~sion that you couldn't use wasn't particularly happy to be in there," stormed David them ," said an astonished David. and Services, Jenny Grant, admitted ham (EA I). that the vouchers should have been accepted. ''All Student Meal Vouchers are Despite the problems. catering " I think that it is all a bit mixed bosses are adamant that the voucher redeemable in any UCS outlet at at the minute. They really need to any time," she conceded, and went scheme is a success, and are their act together," he on to blame temporary staff for the refusing to offer students a refund. plained.

"I have been delighted with the mix-up. ''All regular staff are aware of the he attacked the scheme for response from students. They have scheme but there is a small chance said that they are very pleased with that a temporary member of staff the scheme," claimed Ms Grant.

Nightmare

Success

Mixed up

,_____igui·d diet ES, ALCOHOL consumption and grocery shopping are at the bottom of one worry list, after the lucky clubber won a trolley-full of shopping.

The competition, staged last Tuesday at Liquid nightclub, invited clubbers to try and the price of the manager's shopping, with a £200 supermarket sweep up for grabs.

Cash-strapped students ad to fight for the prize by g their shopping ~ lCfll@rtise to guess whether Dazza's price estimate too high or too low. competition was fun , as it was very getting down to the last contestants,'' grinned winner Emma Bevan. " I thought that I was going be out straight away, but the DJ said that we were ·ight, and it was just down to three people all of a sudden." "lt was me, my friend and this bloke. When he got knocked out, we made a deal that whichever one of us won, we would split the !)rize," giggled Emma.

Calculating

And the calculating student explained how she had only decided to enter the ~::ompetit i on at the last rninute. " lt was just a last minute thing - we didn't mean to join

in the competition." " I felt like I was a jam my sod really," she joked.

seems that the prize came just at the right time for the empty-pocketed student.

Spending spree

Overdraft

The next time Emma saw Pablo, Liquid's manager, and DJ Dazza, was after they had swapped their decks for trolleys, and gone on a spending spree at Asda, Emma's choice of supermarket. " We wrote out a list of stuff that we wanted.

For stuff like pizzas and chocolate I just said to get a selection, but I gave them a definite amount for the alcohol! " " I didn't want to take any r i s k s with the that,'' she mused.

And it A-~-"--_..

" lt has saved me money in the long run. I am at the limit of my overdraft so I couldn't have afforded it otherwise" she explained.

1 0°/o discount on food with ·UEAJNUS card GREAT VALUE FOOD SERVED: Mon-Fri, Lunch: 11.30am-2.30pm, Dinner: 6pm-1 Opm, All day Saturday and Sunday York Special Sunday Roast £4.95 Big 6' screen Satellite TV covering all major sporting events Large beer garden FREE Large function room with bar available for private bookings · ring for details

Laundre(~~ TSB ~ ~ El¥ Unthank Road

York Tavern Junction of York St and Leicester St (})620918

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News

www.concrete-online.co.uk

Clear as mud - Contin ued fro m page one .. Th~\ should test the constitution on ord i n~I") students. not the circle of e\perh who alr~ady under-tand the jargon:· ··we would test things li ke

whether a student could call an for e\amplc. and in th" format it would be difficult to u-,e for that purpme. which is a r~al -,hamc:· he said. c\lraordinar~ gcn~ral m~eting.

10. 1NDEMNITIES Without prejudice t o any other ri ght to indemnit y by law or otherwise given every Officer, official o r employee of the Union and every member of the Union acting with the express authority of Council or Executive and every member of any committee appointed by Council o r Executive officially engaged upon the business of the Un ion shall be entitled to be indemnified out of the assets of the Union in respect of all liabilities and reasonable expenses incurred by them in or about the execution or purported exception of their respective duties or of any powers, authorities , o r discretion's vested in them including the case of all such persons acting in an honorary capacity, liabilities and expenses consequent on any mistake, oversight, error of judgement, forgetfulness or want of prudence on the part of such persons and against all actions, proceedings, costs, cla ims and demands in respect of any matters or th ings done or omitted in any way relating to such duties, providing that; the Union shall not indemnify the members in respect of injury and/or damaged caused directly or indirectly by or traceable to any riot, disturbance of c ivil commotion , any animal , driver, vehicle (other than a hand propelled veh icle), mechanically powered cycle , locomotive, airborne or water c raft, elevator, escalator, power-driven lift, crane or hoist owned or used by the members.

Views sought on nursery changes STUDENTS WITH children are being asked to tell the University their views on how UEA's nursery could be improved .

1);1\ Id Pro \ice -Chancellor Baker is leading a re\ ie\\ into the s~n ic~. s~t up 111 the 1960s. to sec how it can he brought up to datt' to cope with the n~cds of curr~nt staff and student\. ""The '\LII·set") \\as set up 111 the earl) 1960s. pr11nanl) lur us~ b~ student parents. hut in r~cent ) cars the number of stall parents using the

Protestors highlight UEA investmen

By SARAH HOOKES welcomed the chance to find out more about the issue.

SHOCKED STUDENTS were held to ransom in the Hive and Union Bar as protesters demonstrated at UEA's investment policy.· The campaigners, armed with toy guns and cardboard missiles, besieged unsuspecting students by setting up mock wars, complete with tomato sauce blood in Union House.

Organised by the Not In

Our Names campaign , the - - - - - , demo, staged on Wednesday , November 10, was aimed at ra i sing awareness of discoveries made last year that UEA hol d in unethical companies li ke arms manufacturers. " Students have the right to know w hat their tuition fees are paying for," explained Sarah

s~rvicc has incrc;hed dramatically."" c\plained Dr Bak~r. ··The needs of all parents need to

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the students

Attention " I think it was a great idea, it was really ori ginal so it certainly got people 's attention; • said Ben Frank (LLT

4).

The campaign was launched after Concrete revea led that UEA had shares in British Aerospace, the UK's largest arms company.

The shares have s ince been sold , but the University still invests in unit trusts, wh ich means it could still be benefit ing from t he arms sales and other unethical trad ing.

Investigating As a result of protests last year, Registry bosses agreed to the setting up of an official working party, which is investigating how UEA should use its money. " We are looking at ethical

rather than financial including which can be seen to be eth them ,'' explained Jean Beier, who is chairing committee.

The group had its meeting last month, due to r eport University's Council the end of the year.

In the meantime , campaigners are sprea thei r message across country, by setting up Students' Nati onal C Investment Network

Ethical T he g roup is aim ed helping students Britain to badger · institutions into pu ethical investment polltcle!t empowering universities to do the said Lara Clements (EAS

i('\\Cd."

The re' te\\ team has just had it'> lirst meeting. and \\ill work of the coming year to produce r~ctlllllll~ndations I or th~ Lni\ ersit) lo :let on.

Students with \ i~ws on ho\\ the ~erYi<..:c <.:an b(' 1mpron:d should contact L nion Welfare Orticer. Claire Koh~r. "nh th~it 'tews 'ta the Student Ad' ice nur--cr~

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ONE OF the most picturesque parts of campus could be destroyed by a major new bus route, according to local councillors

The) arc warning that plculs to make the linh. between L'EA and Norwich Research Parh. the main route to the ne\\ hmpital at C'oln~y will c:tusc massive cm ironmcntal damage if allo\\"ed to go ahead. and Non' tch Hospital. marking It as widened. and there "ill be tranic But Count) CoLtnctl offictab den~ that a linal decision has lwen their ··preferred bus route.. congest ton as the buses will he tak~n .•md claim that e,·cn tf the L'ni,ersit) ward Ltbcral running c\cry 10 mtnutes:· route is ehos~n the arca·s character D~mocrat councillors ar~ furious at But Martin Sh,m. Director of could he retained. the decision.

Planning and Transportation at The rm\ com~s after planning Unpolluted Norfolk Count) Council. accused ho"~s ttkntilied the single lane the councillors ol Jlllllplltg th~ gun. bridge 0\er the Yare Valle) as the .. This route will affect the Impact emtronmental stahtlit) of th" ··1n tratbpon t~rms the ri\"er current!) unpolluted area of the River Yar~:· stormed councillor valley route is preferred. but we are just about to comnK·nce an O\erall Jan~ Root<L ··The bridge will ha\e to be study \\hich "ill ha\e regard not

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to transport hut also the impact:· 'aid Sha\1. ··No decision on the route h~en taken:·

~n\"ironmental

Plans And UE.\ bosses arc that there should he full

consider the full range· of' iew consult widely before making decision> that are in the public interest:· said Communicallons. Alan Pre~ce.

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News 7

Link Africa's hitch hike to Morocco· Easter 2000

New nightclub hits Norwich Gemma Ulston.

"People like getting dre ed up on a Saturday night, but find that they have nowhere to go when they've left the pub. We want to carry on that classy atmosphere that smaller clubs can't deliver."

UEA students will soon be able to dance the night away at a massive new Norwich nightclub.

Time, which its promoters describe as an "Ibiza feel club", is one of a chain of clubs owned by the Northern Group.

It will boost Riverside's claims to The nightspot also features be Norwich's new entertainment lavi h decor and state of the art quarter when it opens next week, technology - including two 12 foot joining the UCI Cinema on the site. video screens and £30,000 of laser equipment - meaning Time is International confident that it can offer a totally And the new venue's boasts of different clubbing experience to its monthly residences from top DJs rival .

Boy George and Dave Pearce Superclub should finally assure Norwich a place on the international club "This is the first superclub to scene. come to East Anglia," aid Time's

Corns noms open again

Queue

•

Clubbers will be able to queue away from the wind and rain while being entertained by "queue slaggers", who will tease patrons with friendly abu e, and for those of us who start to resemble Alice Cooper after five pints, Virgin Vie repre entatives wiU be on hand in

the girls' toilets offering their products free of charge.

If all this seems too far removed from a drunken binge at the LCR then don't fret: Time are launching their weekly student night, Revival , with an end of term Christmas bash on Tuesday, December 14.

Fun-seeking UEA students have welcomed the club's arrival.

Top DJs Alan Lewis (Env 3) aid, "It will be nice to have somewhere else to go other than Liquid on a Tuesday, particularly because of the top DJs the club will attract."

a1r

By HELEN GROOM

CHRISTMAS CAME early for students visiting the Hive last fortnight, as activists dished out free tea, coffee and chocolate.

Their generosity was aimed at raising awareness of ethical shopping opportunities, as part of Development Society's Free Trade Week.

Members of the society were promoting the work of the Falrtrade Foundation, which exists to ensure tanners In the developing workl get a decent price for their IQOd, regardless of maNtprlce.

Toll

..

guaranteed.

Difference Since its launch in 1989, Fairtrade has spread to 17 countries, but according to DevSoc, students can help make even more of a difference.

"Students can contribute by buying Falrtrade products like Cafe Direct coffee In the UFO and In the Hive," enthus'q ebolll

Olt

DEV 1)•

"They can also encourage their local supermarkets to stock Fairtrade products," she added.

A once in a lifetime experience to raise money for educational support in South Africa, Kenya and Ghana

Next Meeting· Thursday 9 December, Arts A2.86 at 1pm.

Another chance to see the hitch video, meet the hitch reps and ask any .questions - all welcome.

More info.S.O'brien@uea.ac.uk

Ban Other campaigns as part of Fair 1\'ade Week Included highlighting the Union's ban on Nestle products because of the multinational's policies on baby milk, and "' port tor the l.lbl ~000

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THE ROUGH GUIDES

a Letters/ Comment

www.concrete-online.co.uk

Tory agenda n response to Martin Brock's letter in the last edition of Concrete, I would like to thank him for noticing our attempts to encourage students to become involved in the democratic process. This has in part come about because at long last people are seeing this Labour government for what it is and what Labour students helped to create. Nevertheless, within our Union there is still a 'walking with dinosaurs' mentality.

Regarding Martin 's point, promoting certain policies before others was not an intentional plan. However, as you would surely agree , some things are easier than others to achieve.

Not even UEA Tories can change the mind of this government (yet)! However, you can rest assured that our members were on the NUS education march in London on the November 25.

So far, Conservative students have played a key role in keeping our Union accountable: we have succeeded in keeping Student Forum meeti ngs to the traditional once a fortnight, rather than the proposed once a month, and we have also secured guarantees that Executive reports to forum are kept as individual as possible. Conservative students have moreover proposed a plan for the Union to seek private sponsorship for some key texts that are sadly lacking in the library (apart from that manky old one which is never in the short loan section when you go for it!). Any extra books would unquestionably be of great value. However, this motion has been branded by the Union as encou rag ing (I quote) the " Corporate Devil" . This unhelpful comment must surely be placed in the 1970s rather than in a new century with student fees and no grants. lan Mackie, Chairman, UEA Conservat ive Stu dents.

I

Cycle safety o yo u cycle to or from UEA, o r elsewhere in the dark?

Alth ou gh you can see well enough, can you be seen particu larly by vehicle drivers ? Have you ever tried to pick out even a well marked cycli st throu gh t he steamy windscreen of a car on a dark and wet winter's night agai nst the dazzling brightn ess of on -coming car headlamps? Never mind a dark clot hed one wit hout lights? Are you doing everything to make sure that you can be seen and are as safe az possible - at least for your own sake?

Dr I Duncan (UEA Health centre)

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Concrete Wedn esday, December 1, 1999

Law and order n reply to the article 'Above the Law' in Concrete issue 105, UEA Law School is recognised as being one of the best in the country. Our graduates leave with excellent transferrable skills and are very successful in finding immediate employment both in the legal professions and a wide range of other occupations. lt is extremely unfortunate, to say the least, that you published an anonymous letter about the School in your last issue without checking the accuracy of its contents with me, as you had asked for my comments on another issue. Let me put the record strai ght in regard to the many inaccu racies and unfounded allegations made by your anonymous correspondent.

The Earlham Hall Library, which duplicates material in the University Library, is used by a very small minority of students and by faculty. The temporary closure is, as we explained to students, due to the librarian leaving to take up another position. When her replacement arrives, the li brary w ill reopen , albeit for fewer hours. There have been discussio ns about its long-term futu re, but no final decision has yet been taken. The withdrawal of an optional unit at short notice was a matter beyond our c ontrol and one w hic h we much regret. lt was a specialist subject and the Lecturer con cerned resigned mid-year in order to retu rn to legal practice. Considerable efforts have been made to help students to fi nd su itable alternatives.

The allegations t hat " lectu rers have no qualms about taking lo ng period s of t ime off during term time" are simply not true. This seme ster two colleagues have been abroad on University bus iness and two have delivered pa pers at overseas conferences. In no case was t he absence longer t han a few days, and where necessary teach ing was re-arranged. The lease of Earl ham Hall ru ns unti l October 2003, not 2002, and considerable attenti on is being paid to finding a suitabl e future home for th e School. Moreover, we have made two excellent recent appointments. I can assure you that UEA School of Law is committed to remaining at the forefront of legal education in the UK. Yours sincerely, Caroline Ball , Dean of LAW

I

comment Consitutional dilemma The Union is doing a good thing in trying to rewrite the old constitution, which everyone agrees was rubbish.

But if we are going to change things, it is of overriding importance that we do it right t his time.

And that means having a foundation document that everyone can understand. not just the lawyers.

Coldly Hoping So the Unive rsity have re neged on their promise of extra fridges.

What a let down.

But the problem has not gone away.

There is still a moral obligation for the University to provide adequate facilities.

Is it going to take a food poisoning scandal to shock them into action?

•Creative writing Editor:

•Editor: James 'in a skirt'Tapsfield Mark 'sums? ' Edwards Caroline 'on the pull ' Jeater

•News Editor:

Tel· 01603 628059

Christ~nas

Parties Catered for in the Upstairs Bar Or in the Potting Shed Restaurant.

Book no1N for the best in pub entertain~nent. ~,:.~;,:.~;;.~;,:.~~~x~;;.~

Kris Siefken

•Editorial Contributors: Sarah Taft,

•Deputy Editors:

1, Pembroke Road · Norwich

Merry Christmas!

James 'where 's my cookie ' Goffin

•Assistant News Editor: Clare 'builder?' Hamilton-Eddy

•Features Editor: Jack 'goodbye' Hanauer

•Chief Features Writer: Will 'hormones' Halsey

•Sports Editor: Nick Henegan

• Web Editor: Pete Chapman

•Ad manager: Jane 'skive' Kirby

•Distribution Manager: James Graham

Sarah Hookes, Charlotte Ronalds, Mo Grills, Helen Groom, Denny Coote, Pete Large, Alex McGregor, Adam Chapman , Jeremy Simon, Chris Stott, Robbie Uprichard, Lucy Sacre, Dave Dickson, Joanne Aitchison •Copy Editing: Claire Saunders •Cartoons: Pete Large •Photographers: Nick Henegan, Caroline Jeater, James Tapsfield, John Williamson , Luke 'we the people' Turner, Helen Wooster •DTP: James Tapsfield, Caroline Jeater, Mark Edwards, Nick Henegan • Page 22: Poems © Parna Mehrbani 1999.

·Special Thanks to: UH Stewards, everyone at ECN •Concrete is published by the Union of UEA Students. Opinions expressed are those of the Contributor and not necessarily those of the Publisher or Editor. Use of the name 'The Evenf appears by arrangement with the copyright holders, Planet Zog Ltd. • No part of this newspaper may be reproduced or transmitted through any means including last minute essays, lives lived in fear, extreme madness of an editorial team on a sunday or the delicatessen - without the express permission of the Editor •Printed by Eastern Counties Newspapers Ltd., Norwich, Norfolk NR1 1RE. © Concrete.1999.

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10 Miracle cures 12 Local UFO landing 13 Blagglng lt 14 Cannabis debate

c/s Millennium game 18 Photo story 21 Travel 22 Featured words

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••• Wouldn't it be good·if you could take a pill and have all your ills cured? Well, as Mark Robins finds out, there are drugs on the market to deal with virtually anything ... eing a bloke, I've got plenty of things to look forward to. For example, I could join a five member, mixed-sex popular music combo, specialising in kiddy rehashes of old ABBA tunes , and then laugh as I get higher wages than the lady members. But then

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again, being a bloke, I've got hair loss, snoring , frequent trips to the toilet and a huge beer gut to come my way as well .

But I am a bloke, and therefore I'm inherently lazy and I don't want to spend any time or effort fixing these future problems . No, what I need is some kind of "miracle cure" to help me out.

Some sort of cheeky little pill that solves all my problems. God bless those scientist chaps then ; they've only gone and made them. it's amazing what you can get cures for these days.

One little tablet, squirt of cream or whatever can eradicate all sorts of problems. You must have seen the adverts for hair restoring products in the tabloids. They usually have a picture of balding cricketer Graham Gooch in a 'before and after' pose, accompanied by quotes like, "Amazing! I've got a head like a

gorilla! Mr R Sheffield". Quite what made "Mr R" feel the need to gush on so enthusiastically is unknown - probably about SO quid. But nonetheless, it does go to show that these things seem to work.

Hair care seems to be a good place to start looking for cures. Men will expend thousands of pounds on these products every year to get back the barnet of their youth. Don 't these guys realise it's always the bald blokes who win the sexiest men awards (Sean Cannery, Patrick Stewart)?

Anyway , a few extra nutrients and a quick scalp massage with a spot of Aunt Betty's restorative lotion wont do the trick these days. No, the cure for the modern cueball head is a drug called Propecia.

"lt seems that approximately one out of every 1000 people taking Zyban will have a seizure.

Hey, I like those odds."

Propecia is a convenient , one pill a day treatment, that within a couple of months will stop hair loss and may even start to bring the hair back. Can one pill a day really do all that? Yes , apparently.

Well , 80 per cent of men tested claimed to be keeping their hair and growing more on top. I'm convinced. But don't forget that you have to pay for the pleasure, and on top of that there are a number of nasty side effects: less desire for sex, difficulty in achieving erection, decrease in semen production ; sounds like what happens when a guy gets married. And how safe is this stuff really?

Apparently women can't use it, and pregnant women should stay well clear: contact with crushed or broken pills may cause abnormalities to a male baby's sex organs. Are you sure you want your hair that badly?

Talking of sexual organs, what about the world's greatest miracle cure: Viagra. Oh yes , the wonder cure for "erectile dysfunction" - a condition that affects 30 million men in the US alone. For those who do suffer it's quite a serious problem that used to be cured by suppositories, injections, penile implants (ouch!) and other painful and embarrassing procedures: two cocktail sticks and some duct tape probably.

So what does Viagra do? Well , its a drug that alters the way the body handles nitrogen and nitrates in its system. The end result is a better, more sustained flow of blood to the vital area in question . One pill takes about half an hour to start working , and then lasts for about four hours. it's quite

important not to overdose. Folklore tells of a man who took a handful of tablets and then had a painful erection for a week that wouldn't go away he had to be careful every time he bent down to pick something up in case he impaled himself Viagra, however, will only work in about 70 per cent of cases (the other 30 per cent will have to make do with counselling) and comes with a big list of warnings. Because it affects blood flow through the body, people taking the drug must have a medical check to ensure their heart can handle the extra strain. Still, I can think of worse ways to go. Apparently the directions state that Viagra shouldn 't be taken by women and , rather worryingly, it also states that the drug is "not suitable for children and newborns". Glad they made that one clear to me.

So, hair loss and impotence; both primarily male problems. What about miracle cures that women can use as well? Well in this age where catwalk models define the perfect figure , keeping slim has become something of an obsession. You could go about it the sensible way , through exercise and dieting (Mmmm, a tasty nutritious shake for breakfast, one for lunch, and a proper dinner - and that all day long feeling of starvation) , or you could opt for a miracle cure.

Xenical is a fabulous little pill that allows the user to lose up to 20 per cent of their body weight.

Allegedly. Take one pill with each meal (you can only have three pills a day so porkers will have to significantly cut down on meals) , and then watch the pounds fly off (and fly out of your pocket as you pay for the things).

Do they work? Apparently well enough to have the results published in respected medical journal The Lancet. But if they are so good, why isn't everyone using them? Well , when you hear how they work , it may put you off. Basically the drugs stop your body from absorbing any fat that you eat. If that sounds unpleasant, then you 're probably already ahead of me and thinking of the side effects.

These include oily spotting , gas with discharge, urgent need to go the bathroom , oily or fatty stools, an oily discharge, increased number of bowel movements, and inability to control bowel movements. Needless to say, it's better not to eat curry while on this drug .

Nasty side effects seem to be a common problem with these miracle cures , but the prize for most worrying potential side effect goes to Zyban. This is a miracle cure for smokers who want to quit.

The pills are supposed to reduce withdrawal symptoms and take the edge off the urge to smoke - like the patches but better. However, it seems that approximately one out of every 1000 people taking Zyban will have a seizure. Hey, I like those odds. Amazingly enough, not only do people actually take this drug, but there is also a useful question and answer sheet with the drug which answers the question , "Can I still smoke while taking Zyban?"

The list for miracle drugs seems to be endless.

You can get pills to get rid of your wrinkles , pills that stop you from being an alcoholic, pills to build muscles, and so on. All seem to have two things in common: they 're expensive and they have some questionable side effects. At the end of the day, it's only the lazy people who will use these cures (for lazy read men) , and because we, as a society, are becoming more and more lazy, these drugs continue to flourish. My advice to you is if you see an advert for a drug that sounds too good to be true , it probably is.

Left: Clive James if he was to take Propecia

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Concrete Wednesday, December 1, 1999

11

According to Dave Dickson, one of the most credible UFO sightings ever happened just 40 miles from UEA in Rendlesham Forest. So why, when American servicemen confirmed the encounter, are the MOD still denying it?

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icture this: it's Christmas 1980 and , by all rights, you ought to be home with your family on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. Instead you're here, in this God-forsaken forest in Suffolk commanding a group of anxious servicemen . Two nights ago guards on the perimeter fence reported seeing strange lights in the forest and now , suddenly, it's all happening again. And these are military men, not given to flights of fancy. They are level-headed, sober and responsible. And also very scared. There's something out there, but no one seems to quite know what. That's the scary part - the not knowing. But then , the servicemen are armed and trained to counter any threat. This joint RAF/USAF base, after all, carries nuclear weapons. it is also one of the most secret military establishments in Europe. But they are still scared because the training manual never co ntained any passage on how to deal with this : A Close

Encounter of the Third Kind.

19 years ago the second most famous UFO incident in the world happened just 40 miles from UEA. And yet no one seems to know about it.

How come?

The answer to this particular conundrum lies in the obsessive secrecy that pervades the British Government and all aspects of Whitehall. But the plain fact is that something happened and the official reports, contemporaneous tape-recording and eye-witness testimony strongly suggest that what servicemen encountered that Christmas was a UFO of extra-terrestrial origin.

RAF Woodbridge was part of a twin encampment with the nearby RAF Bentwater. The camps lie about eight miles east of Ipswich and in 1980 they were home to a top secret 'over-the-horizon' radar tracking station. In other words , their job was to spy on the Soviet Union . Th e United States Air

"Colonel Halt takes no chances and elects to tape record his investigation as well as ordering out search lights, night vision equipment and Geiger counters"

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Force has kept bases on UK territory since the Second World War , but because of the work carried out there , RAF Woodbridge was a particularly sensitive site during the Cold War. So. when peculiar lights appeared in the forest , the security personnel were understandably concerned . The initial thought , on the night of December 27, was that an aircraft had crashlanded. The patrolmen left their post and went into the woods to investigate. What they saw, however, was luminous, apparently metallic and triangular in shape. Then , when they tried to approach it, it moved away deeper into the forest and eventually took off again . Mystified , they reported back to the deputy base commander, Lt Colonel Charles Halt.

Two nights later, Halt is called again. The lights have come back. This time he mobilises a 30

strong detachment of men to en ter the woods and determine exactly what this intruder could be.

After all , if this is a Soviet vehicle then the security the whole of Western Europe may have been compromised. Halt takes no chances and elects to tape record his investigation as well as ordering out high-powered search lights, night vision equipment and Geiger counters. But whatever he expected to find , it is very unlikely that he anticipated the presence of an alien spacecraft.

Three years later, Secretary of State for Defence, Michael Heseltine MP , replied to an enquiry from Merlyn Rees MP regarding the Rendlesham forest incident. He stated:

'f\s you will recall from your time as Minister for the Royal Air Force, reports of alleged sightings are examined by operations staff to see whether there is any in terest from a defence point of view. No such interest was found in the case of the incident reported in the News of the World of 2nd October, or in any of the other sightings reported in the UK. In the News of the World incident there was in fact no question of any contact with 'alien beings', nor was any unidentified object seen on radar. " As denials go they do not come much plainer than that. And yet compare Mr Heseltine's dismissal of the event to the report sent to the Ministry of Defence by Lt Colonel Halt in January 1981 :

"Later in the night (December 29/30) a red sunlike light was seen through the trees. it moved about and pulsed. At one point it appeared to throw off glowing particles and then broke into five separate white objects and then disappeared. Immediately thereafter, three starlike objects were noticed in the sky. .. The object to the south was visible for two or three hours and beamed down a stream of light... "

nothing they can do, the best response is to simply ignore it, pretend it never happened. Or, failing that, pretend that it has no significance.

This atti tude will not do.

There are conflicting reports from the Rendl Forest incident. But given the magnitude of the occurrence and the number of officers who took part this is hardly surprising. Ufologists in the States used the American Freedom of lnt'"'"'"tâ&#x20AC;˘in rl Act to obtain both the tape-recording Halt made on th at night and his later report to the MoD. The Ministry of Defence - operating without obli to any such Act - would have much preferred the whole matter to remain buried, as they would all extra-te rrestrial contacts. But, as the saying the truth is out there.

You may choose not to believe in the existence UFOs and extra-terrestrial life. But to simply dismiss th e Rendlesham Forest incident seems rash. For many, Rendlesham Forest was a significant event because for th e first tim e, the FOIA , we had access to recordings and reports of a UFO landing. lt happened just 40 miles away - practically on our doorstep - and yet virtually no one knows about it. Why? Burying ou heads in the sand will offer us no protection, only the truth ca n do that. And the truth is an elusive commodity. But to me it seems more than likely that the truth is exactly what Lt Colonel Halt and hi s men came across in the forest that Christmas.

Left: A copy of Colonel Halt's report; Below: The MoD's denial of the incident

But apparently a craft capable of such extraordinary feats , as well as managing to elude radar tracking , has no defence significance according to the MoD . The two reports are clearly contradictory - one of them must be lying . Either Lt Colonel Halt and his detachment of 30 officers made the story up, or the then Secretary of State for Defence was being economical with the truth .

The MoD's position regarding extra-terrestrial life is quite clear. They do not exclude the possibility that there is life beyond our planet, but are only concerned with UK Air Defence. However they seem unwilling to concede that a UFO that can land next to one of the most highly sensitive RAF bases in the country and manage to elude capture by armed servicemen should cause us any alarm.

They simply do not want to admit that we have no defence against such incursions. So, if there's

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ow hard can it be to get in to a star studded elebrity bash or a trendy London bar? Well, if ete Large's experiences are anything to go y, it's a piece of cake ...

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nfortunately, Tamara's PR wasn't quite as stupid s the celeb he represents. However, he seemed o find my cheek in trying to talk to her pretty musing, and after I explained my quest to ecome an IT-Boy for a night, he offered to help e out. He told me not to bother with London's et Bar, famous for having celebrity custom, as pparently it was "very last season". Instead he eckoned I could aim a lot higher, and told me to ind out about the bars in London owned by the ighly established restauranteur Marco Pierre hite, before promptly wishing me good luck and anging up.

Iter a dozen or so more phone calls, I discovered arco Pierre's most recent business venture, a rendy Picadilly restaurant and bar called Sugar eel. Sugar Reef wasn't even officially opened et, and celebrities and food critics were only ating there by invite. lt was when I phoned Marco ierre's PR agency that my quest for IT-Dom tarted getting exciting. he PR office sounded extremely surprised that I'd anaged to get through to them, but booked me a able for three for the next day at Bpm without any hesitation. A flustered PR pleaded with me to remember it was the restaurant's first week and he staff were still under training, and to consider this in my critique of the service there. I hadn't actually said I was doing an article on the restaurant, but was happy to go along with the idea. Slightly worried I'd now have to get an emergency loan to fund the meal , I nervously asked the PR the prices of food in the restaurani and was told to mention my name and ask for a half price discount. I was then put though to another PR agent for ~area Pierre's fashionable Titanic Bar, and was told to lax her details of my name, and the names of two friends, so that we'd be put on the guest list for that evening. Slightly bemused, I chose to take two mates who I thought would help make this blagging work once we were

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Concrete Wednesday, December 1, 1999

hone 192. Okay, so it may cost you a few pence for the effort, but fame is listed in Directory Enquiries. Forget the actors who constantly drone on about the hard slog they faced to get to be 'next big ings', the models who claim it was simply "luck" at they were plucked from obscurity and planted n the catwalks of Paris and Milan, and the ndless gossip-column rants by iT-Girls such as ara Palmer-Tomkinson about the "exclusivity" of e parties they've attended this week - getting star eatment is really not as difficult as it sounds. You on't need to be devastatingly good-looking with a illion in your bank account. You simply need a bit f con~idence and a handy household phone. ored of the usual Norwich nights out, I decided to o an experiment in the name of social science nd see if I could blag my way into an exclusive ondon night-spot instead. I was also intrigued as whether my innate Essex-boy expectations of e rich all being dickheads was true. So, donning la-di-da posh accent, and armed only with a opious quantity of cigarettes and my flatmate's opy of OK magazine, I set out to find this months lace to be for t~e rich and famous.

Iter Directory Enquiries gave me the number for ello magazine, I managed to get the phone umbers for Tamara Beckwith and Tara Palmeromkinson's PR agencies from the Features ditor. I chose to ring Tamara, who makes regular ppearances on TV Quiz shows, at London's small anic PR agency, guessing that she had more ime on her hands than Tara to generally look tupid, and might therefore have a few minutes pare to advise me. Before blagging her home hone number, though, I'd have to negotiate her

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in London. Both are students at the University: Ariana Rees-Roberts seemed to suit the role of an IT-Girl for her double-barrelled name, and Ned Baring for his family ties with the exclusive Baring's Bank.

An hour or so later and our living room had been transformed into a Public Relations office, as Ariana and myself sat overwhelmed on the floor surrounded by scrap pieces of paper, in a haze of mobile phone calls and cigarette smoke. The Clothes Show Live had offered us backstage passes. A major new clubbing magazine was going to call me with a job offer. Meanwhile, in another part of London, Channel 4's new celebrity chat show The Priory were having an emergency production meeting to decide whether they could send out cameras at such short notice to follow up our story. Select model agency were in talks as to whether any of their models would like to have dinner with us. Charles Worthington was apologising that he couldn't cut our hair because he was fully booked but would urgently fit us in at some point during the day if we really wanted. And Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's agent was having a tantrum because we'd been invited to Sugar Reef and he hadn't.

When we finally got to London the next day, hoards of Scottish and English football supporters in Piccadilly Circus were eagerly preparing for the night's big match. We were greeted in Sugar Reef's reception at Bpm, and drank Sea Breeze cocktails in a lounge bar area before being seated and served by the restaurant's staff, who all seemed to have fallen out of modelling agencies head first into the catering business. With two waiters serving at our table, we were soon being treated to mango and goat's cheese salad, Chicken Maryland with corn croquets, Chardonnay Wine and, conclusively, espresso coffees. Due to the discount, the meal , which can only be

described as being made by God himself, cost us a measly 116 a head. Which could easily be spent by three students in the local curry house - except your average Indian restaurant in Norwich doesn't have a cloakroom, reception, lounge bar, dancefloor and its own private waterfall.

The fact we'd been to the Reef meant that London was our oyster. Doormen everywhere let us in immediately we let a few names drop. We moved on from the restaurant at 11 pm to a haven for rich yuppies, The Atlantic Bar Grill, which is just off of Soho, and spent an hour in a high-ceilinged ballroom in a whirl of velvet, chandeliers and gin and ton ics. Then we mentioned the names of the Marco Pierre PAs we'd chatted to earlier to the Titanic Bar's doorman and, marching past security, spun through its red swing doors to meet a host of socialites, actors and businessmen . Here we proceeded to get horrendously drunk, get chatted up by people from Neighbours, try and steal expensive designer aftershave from the toilets and - foolishly - hammer our overdrafts.

"Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's agent was having a tantrum because we had been invited to Sugar Reef and he hadn't."

Drunkenly we flagged down a sparkling Jaguar as we left the Titan ic at 2.30am, th inking for some reason it was a taxi. Its occupants found us so amusing that they invited us with them and - with nothing to lose - we jumped in. Taking a sharp turn around the corner, we were suddenly parking directly outside London's rather posh Emporium club, and stumbled up the club's red-carpeted stairs to be seated at out new friends' private table, where we were treated to over ÂŁ200 worth of drinks. When England football player Rio Ferdinand and his new girlfriend , Emma Bunton , arrived at 4am and we were invited to the England team's after-match party, I realised that my quest to be an it-Boy for the night had been pretty successful. As Ned played the Emporium's drums into the wee small hours and Ariana moaned about how we'd never actually got that Charles Worthington haircut, I could only sit back in my seat and quietly take the whole night in, starstruck, exhausted, and desperately trying to stop myself from slipping into a drunken coma.

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our days later, after another phone call to Directory Enquiries, I was returning to London . This time I was meeting researchers from BBC television's The Ozone and accompanying them to the launch party of The Lightning Seeds' new album in London's trendy Fabric night-club. After performing five songs from the album, lan Broudie made time to mingle, but as he is a short and fairly uncharismatic man , I hadn't been talking to him long before I decided to attack the free bar instead.

By 1Opm I was queuing with an army of tuxedo and diamond clad high flyers on yet another red carpet, th is time preparing myself to attempt the ultimate blag: gaining entry to the after-show party for the James Bond movie premiere. Taking place under a huge marquee in St James's Square, the venue was surrounded by security guards, and it was obvious to myself and the BBC researchers that getting in was going to be a bit of a challenge.

Half an hour later and I was standing in the marquee's reception , moaning to the head coordinator of the party, while the BBC researchers were sitting with the paparazzi outside, having been denied entry despite flashing their BBC passes in a rather lame attempt to get in.

When another blagger tried to gain entry and the co-ordinators turned their attentions to him, I decided it was time to complain of a violent urge to use the toilet, and , fed up with my whinging, one of the co-ordinators stupidly ushered me off to it.

Alter a manoeuvre that James Bond himself would have been proud of, I dodged past a security guard and entered the main marquee, where I was greeted by a flower arrangement the size of a house, champagne, a jazz band, and film stars.

Alter a quarter of an hour and a drunken conversation with Denise Richards during which I commented on how nice her bindi was (among other distinguishing features) I left to join the researchers because the party was actually amazingly boring. I invited Denise along but she had a cocktail do at Claridges to go to. Shame.

I'm now planning my big Willenium Millennium blag: to make an appearance at Prince William's New Year's Eve party at Windsor Castle. This time, though, I'll know in advance that I'll probably be meeting people with egos bigger than a small solar system. I'm just going for a laugh and the free food and drink. And, of course, I never did quite manage to nick that designer aftershave from the toilets ...

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The pros and cons of legalising cannabis have been discussed for many years. Here Luke Turner argues that the time has come to legalise the drug, while Anthony Planner holds that the social implications could be extremely damaging.

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ecently the argument for the legalisation of cannabis has been coming further and further in to the public eye. From being perceived as a marginal activity enjoyed by those on the fringes of society, cannabis has become a source of pleasure and sustenance for millions of ordinary people. The Independent on Sunday ran a voc iferous campaign calling tor the relaxation of Britains drug

that I personally am aware of, it does not in any way dissuade the 'convict' from enjoying the fragrant fruits of nature. it also seems strange to have a legal system that punishes cannabis users for committing a 'crime' that has no victims. Of course, the Right argue that it is the seedy world of the drug importer and large scale dealer wh ich creates the victims through the use of violence and intimidation.

Concrete Wednesday, December 1, 1999

Surely here they miss the point - legalise the drug and remove any 'victims' in one fell swoop; if the drug were to be controlled and regu lated by the government, the involvement of organised crime in cannabis importation and cu ltivation would greatly be reduced.

The police forces are forced to spend a small fortune on all the bureaucracy that surro unds the most insignificant of offences; legalising cannabis wou ld therefore naturall y free up the police to go and solve some proper crimes thefts, rapes and muggings - rather than going for the soft option of th e harmless smoker.

The continued illegality of the drug means that users are often forced to approach th ose who deal in far harder drugs in order to purchase their weed. This opens them to th e temptati on of other more harmful substances. it is not the cannabis itself which leads to hard drugs, but the fact th at th e illegal nature of th e drug means it can only be bought from those who probably have far more harmfu l potions to sell. Legalising cannabis and having it available in normal shops or cafes wou ld cut out this problem, drasticall y reducing the profits that could be made by the dealers who currently supply our herb.

As well as the political and social implications of the drugs legalisation , one should also look at

"The police forces are forced to spend a small fortune on the beauracracy that surrounds the most insignificant of offences; fre them to solve some proper crime. the more organic - the benefits for the individual and the environment. On the simplest level , can nabis is a very pleasant intoxicant. Just one spliff will leave you relaxed and content, enabling you to forget the hard pressures of modern life, and cleansing away the stress of the drudgery of our daily lives. Even the arg ument that cannabi s · should remai n illegal because it causes cancer can be easily cast aside; one does not have to smoke th e drug, it can also be made into uelicious cakes and drinks.

More importan tly, scientists and doctors are at last beginning to admit that cannabis can be a very useful aid in treating people with a huge

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ro-canna IS laws, former smuggler Howard Marks sel ls out tours around the country, and even a Scottish Bishop admitted trying the drug.

Surely , then , it is time that our government took action to change the law? it seems, however, that the government are not intending to make any concessions to the millions of people who regularly enjoy the odd spliff. Far from it: the recent appointment of a Drugs Czar highlights increasingly right wing tendencies in the Labour government.

One of the key flaws with maintaining the ban on cannabis is the way that every year thousands of people are turned into common criminals just for carrying a couple of grams of what is essentially a dried up plant. This has no benefit save to cause resentment towards the authorities and the legal system, and in most cases

variety of ailments. The drug is a line natural alternative to chemical treatments for those who suffer from migraine, arthritis ; or who are having to undergo the agonies of chemotherapy. Peliminary studies have indicated that cannabis can alleviate the symptoms and suffering of those afflicted by such unpleasant illnesses - is it right that the incapacitated and the infirm should be classed as criminals too?

Surely we, as adult citizens, should have the right to enjoy a perfectly natural and wholesome plant? Our nanny state would seem not to agree; it is only when individuals get together and make an effort to protest that we will ever see this country's autocratic drug laws relaxed.

irst of all, 1 would like to say that 1 have tried cannabis in the past.

And while I understand that some people might see it as an acceptable drug and one which deseNe sl egalisation , ldon1think~~~is ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

drivers and breathalising them. But with cannabis this would be more difficult. Cannabis slows reactions, therefore making drivers dabbling with the substance a danger on the roads ,b~itisn~ as~m~ea

F

•

•

n 1-canna IS can in any way be justified. I know people may enjoy smoking cannabis, and that it has painrelieving effects for some people, but this does not take away from the fact that it has been made illegal for very good reasons. Firstly, it slows people's reaction times. Would we really want it to become so accessible that people turn up to work stoned and chain-smoking spliffs as they would cigarettes? Apart from this, cannabis as a drug is far more carcinogenic than other legalised drugs such as cigarettes and alcohol , and has also been strongly linked with short term memory loss and long term depression.

A glance through the travel pages of any newspaper will revea l umpteen adverts advertising Smokers' Tours To Amsterdam , where coach loads of English tourists go for the sole purpose of smoking cannabis where 1t is legal to do so. Many people wish to see the laws on the drug relaxed here, as they have been in Holland. Do we really want the reverse to happen, with coachloads of tourists coming by

ferry for the sole purpose of taking drugs outlawed back home?

One of the greatest dangers inherent in the drug cannabis is that it easily leads the user on to indulge in far more serious substances. Of course, not everyone will follow this path, but once drugs have become an accessible and integral part of your life , th e temptations for

"Do we really want to see coach loads of tourists coming to England by ferry for the sole purpose of taking drugs outlawed back home?'' some people to try harder drugs are there. From cannabis they could try hallucinogens, and then possibly move on to class A drugs.

Cannabis is, of course extremely harmful to the health . With the very action of inhaling the deadly smoke, the abuser risks causing deadly cancers, especially as cannabis is generally smoked without making use of a filter. The stupifying effects of the powerful narcotic will obviously have a dramatic affect on the brain , stunting mental growth and even causing schizophrenia in later life.

This leads to my main concerns over the weed: The drug inspires apathetic laziness: it effects your ability to be productive and work. Problems can also arise as you becoming used to taking the drugs and form an addiction, often without the user even realising the change in themselves.

Equally if cannab1s were to be legalised then the problem would then come of how to police the new laws when people try and abuse the system. For example, the police already dedicate much t1me and money to stopping

testing system as with alcohol. Cannabis can only be detected through expensive blood tests. This would mean that anyone suspected of having taken cannabis while driving would have to be taken to a police station to have a test, thereby costing the police and the state excessive money and time.

While I am not trying to dictate to people the substances that they wish to take I believe that tor the government to make any concessions and legalise cannabis would be a mistake. The reasons I have highlighted all prove that in Britam , for the time being at least, the legalisation of cannabis is a risk we cannot afford to take . ~......

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'·· which side of the argumenf do you p, agree .witti_ ?.-Take part .'in our ·~~· .· ~~ on-line SU!Vey,and cast' your 'vot~.

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In spite of our best efforts, the millennium could not be averted.

So to commemorate the occasfon, we've created a rocking rollercoaster ride through history in the form of a boardgame.

Simply find something to act as a playing piece and get a die.

Some friends would be good as well.

Take lt In turns to roll the die and move on through history to your ultimate destiny... the year 2000.

Words: Will Halsey

122Ao Christ is Born! Of course, the fact that he was allegedley born In 1AD rather than the year zero means that the millennium doesn't actually start until New Year's Day 2001.

But we'll forget about that.

Romans invade Britain, introducing such outrageous concepts as daily baths, although this Idea is yet to find a way into student residences. They also bring other new experiences to the English, such as wine, and stone 'roads' that replaced the undoubtably superior dirt tra~.

Hadrian's Wall built, making it harder to visit Scotland.

Ifs just a shame that Scottish goalkeepers n8118r picked up on the concept of 'keeping out'.

1348Ao

1066Ao The Battle Of Hastings. Harold gets an arrow in the eye as the Invading Norman army comfortably win . the battle. Harold rues the fact that Specsavers is yet to be invented...

The Black Death rips through Britain, causing victims to suffer fever before black swellings appear on the body. The plague was responsible for an estimated 1.4 million deaths in England alone.

Hmmm, lethal.

Rat:"l'm the

1492Ao

®®00 GREAT FIRE OF LONDON ~

America discovered by Chris Columbus. He thought it was India, but we all make mistakes. And discovering America's a pretty bad one. However, we should dwell on the good points about America. Go on, 1hen.

Throw a alx t o gain the necessary extinguisher and

rejoin the game In 1564. While you wait, chill outl

•

•

Shakespeare born. Move forward two squares if you can quote a line from one of the Bard's plays that contains some form of innuendo...

nn1

"To be or not to be," is not innuendo, by the way.

1998AO US P~nt fliii·Ciinton hits lhe headlines'for most of the year thank& to his activities in the Oval Office with Moniea l,ewineky. 1'he

Guy Fawt.s is arrested and' elC8Cuted for attempting to blow up Par1iament...but would he have been punished if the judge had the foresight to see what Jeffrey Archer got up to 394 years later?

term 'that dress' took on new meaning as Clinton assured his relatively sucoessful term in office would be remembered primarily for 'Zippergate'.

BUT A OIE SEIDS YOU TO THE SUDWICH! OH, THE PRESSURE!

1997Ao Tony Biair ends 18 years of Conservative rule in Britain with his trendy party, 'New labour'. He wins with an overwhelming majority. Two years later, Blair decides to make sure his party w~l be re-elected by faiUng to use contraception and getting his wife Cherie pregnant the fourth time. The baby will clearly be a brilliant vote-winner. If they were 14 rather than 45 they would be condemned for being irresponsible. Especially since they did it in the Queen's house.

Battle of Waterloo.

Napoleon is defeated by Wellington in Belgium, the Frenchman underestimating the power of the British and Prusslans. A repeat at Euro 2000 would be excellent (without the 100,000 odd dead, obviously).

1989Ao The fall of Communism, and the destructiOn of the Berlin .wall. A wonderful moment for Germany and Europe, and as pieces of the wall became souvenirs, a good day for conmen who sold bits of any old wall for plenty of cash. The wall, which symbolised the EastMiest divide, was smashed to pieces as a carnival overtook Berlin.

East Berliners celebrated their new found freedom by destroying the checkpoints and moving into the centre of West Berlin.

1963Ao The assasination that shocked the world. John F Kennedy, the then US president, Is shot while driving through Dallas. Lee Harvey Oswald was killed for the murder before it reached court, but the grassy knoll conspiracy theories survive to this day.

1945Ao The Allies win World War 11, having already won the Great War In 1918. Fortunately, there have been no further conflicts with Germany since then, except on the football pitch. Thankfully, the Second World War did not go to penalties. And the 1945 celebrations?

The invention of the television. While this has brought some wonderful moments of history to the masses - such as the moon landing - it is also l'esponsible for the careers of Noel Edmonds, Jim Davidson and Garry Bushell. A difficult one.

1912Ao

Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone. The first message was apparently to Bell's assistant: ·Mr Watson, come here. I want you." This is allegedly due to spilling acid, and not the first incident of phone se~ Exactly 10 years later, in 1886, the first car was invented, allowing people 115 years on to pay homage to these inventions with the immortal line, "I'm on the bus•.

The Titanic sinks. A tragic disaster in which a supreme work of engineering was destroyed by nature, leading to many lives being lost. Then, 86 years on, the tragedy is compounded by Kale Winslet saying, "I'm flying!" in a stupid voice while 12 year old eo-star DiCaprio holds her arms.

USEFULl

1765: THE SANDWICH! The sandwich was Invented by the Fourth Earl of Sandwich. To get out of here, you must list 10 sandwich fillings other players are happy with. If this is done, restart in 1912, but don't roll the dice until next turn.

•,t.

18 Featured

www.concrete-onnne.co.uk

Concrete Wednesday, December 1, 1999

The UEA photo casebook Christmas was fast approaching, and Algie was skint. ..

I wish I could buy nice things for my friends and family.

Well, I'm spent, but it was worth it. Now it's off to the shops ...

11

Oenny Coote comes down heavily on those who crash diet. ..

W

ith the festive season fast approaching we are all looking fqrward to eating, drinking and being merry. But some of us already have other things on our mind - like how to fit into that millennium party outfit, and how to get rid of those excess pounds in the New Year. I don' t want to put a damper on Christmas before it' s even here, but I know it' s a time when we want to look our best, and for a lot of people 'best' equates to ' slimmest'. Why this attitude prevails is beyond me. Going by my own wanderings around Top Shop I think a lot of .the outfits would look better with some meat inside them. That' s just my opinion, though, and I'm sure many this Christmas will choose to ignore it.

Some of you may be on a pre-Christmas diet already. If you l ive and eat on campus then being on a diet Is not too difficult. Campus food is hardly tempting and residence refrigerators do not leave much room for fresh crea~ cakes. But if

you do feel the need to go on a diet then remember to be sensible. With Christmas bearing down on us like a cleaver on a turkey, some may want to get rid of that

"Christmas is a time when we want to look our best, and for a lot of people 'best' equates to 'slimmest'." beer belly in the quickest way possible, and view crash dieting as the answer.

New research also shows that crash dieting can affect brainpower, which is something I' d like to think we all need, seeing as we 're at University. lt can affect your attention span, reaction speed and memory, and it is thought that these symptoms affect women more than men (here we go again).

According to the Institute of Food Research, the reasons why our brains

11

don't function properly when we crash diet are largely psychological. When people crash diet they become obsessed about how hungry they are, what their body looks like and how much they weigh.

Apparently this is too much for our poor brains to cope with alongside worrying about coursework, so the brain focuses on the psychological problems associated with crash dieting and does not perform other tasks efficiently. Acco'rding to this theory men are less prone to this disorder because they diet for different psychological reasons.

There are, of course, other reasons why crash dieting should be given the serious thumbs down. You may look a real 'Christmas cracker ' when you first lose all of the weight, but as soon as you 路resume your normal eating habits the pounds just pile straight back on. And besides, the reason why we eat regular meals every day - apart from to line the stomach In preparation for alcohol - is that we need to get the right nutrients into our body. If we don't, problems can arise not only now but in later life. We can end up with a poor figure, unhealthy hair, teeth and nails and a brain that operates about as well as a soggy cauliflower. it' s an old

11

cliche, but that doesn't make lt any the less true: the best thing to do Is eat healthily and sensibly, and take exercise.

Diets can be a good thing If we do them right. Just by cutting down on fatty food we can lose weight and become a lot healthier In the process. Swap your milk from full fat to semi-skimmed; buy low fat su bstitutes where possible. And why not take up a sport? Then you can enjoy your food with a clear conscience. l hope I haven 't wrecked your eating plans for Christmas. Do make sure you enjoy your mince pies - but if in doubt there are always satsumas.

www.concrete-online.co.uk

Concrete Wednesday, December 1, 1999

Lecture louts

Featured 19

Nice work Need a career? How about. .. museums?

What is it?

N

ow, lecture theatres have pretty good acoustics, and this is generally a good thing. After all, the whole point of a lecture theatre is that someone will go to the front and speak, and we will be able to hear them. Unfortunately, however, the quality of the acoustics in lecture theatres also means that when someone's mobile phone rings the despicable, abhorrent sound can bounce wildly around the room , creating a din about as disruptive as someone playing London Bridge is Falling Down on a tuba. For people never seem to have a normal ring on their mobiles: if it's not one of the old 'favourites' like Frere Jaques or the William Tell Overture it's something even worse. In the Hive the other day I'm sure someone was attempting to program a phone to play MC Hammer's U Can 't Touch This. Not that I'm objecting to U Can 't Touch This in general, you understand, but it doesn't really work on a phone.

"I'm sure someone was attempting to program a phone to play MC Hammer's U Can't Touch This in the Hive the other day."

Come now, it really doesn't take much to turn your mobile off before a lecture. After all, they usually only last for an hour - can you not even stay out ot touch with the outside world for that long? What exactly did you do before mobile phones became a fact of everyday life? To make things worse, rather than just somehow making the offending equipment desist from perpetrating its racket (my suggestion wou ld be to smash it into four or five hundred pieces with a handy hammer) people will actually answer their phones in lectures. "Hello," they say. And then they proceed to have a discussion that, ostensibly, really needn't have been had at all , let alone had during a lecture. Five or 10 minutes in to this cosy chat about what happened on Neighbours last night they will suddenly realise where they are: "Hang on, I really can 't talk now - I'm in a lecture." lt's not that I'm objecting to mobile phone in general, although personally I do revel in every moment spent without one. If some idiots want to stumble absently around campus as if some prankster had welded their hand to their head , drivelling banal rubbish about what Joe did to Sally at the LCR that made her come up in that horrible rash , well, that's up to them. But please, for the sake of those of us who find it difficult enough to concentrate in lectures without the strains of Backstreet Boys or Beethoven's Ninth , TURN THE BLOODY THINGS OFF!

Basically a Museum Curator is the head of a department in a Museum. The work involves responsibility for and development of the collection ; preservation of records; preparation and production of exhibitions ; research and publication of articles and catalogues ; budgeting and financial control. In short. everything that needs to be done in order to maintain the smooth running and up-keep of the given department.

Take Me Now ... it's hard to get off the ·no experience- no job" roundabout. but it can be done through getting work experience. To achieve this necessary experience you need to be precise about what particular area you wish to work in : education. conservation etc. lt helps if you can offer the museum of your choice some skills such as clerical . IT. photography . or anything else they can make use of. There is the option of another year of study in the form of Museum and Gallery Studies Courses: these courses usually include work placements but. as always. funding can be a problem .

How Much?

Your pay depends on your experience, and can range from £8-9,000 in Assistant positions. moving up to £11 - 15.000. Only Directors can expect to receive upwards of £20.000. There are opportunities for freelance and consultancy work. but you'll be doing this job for love. not a big fat pay cheque.

Tell Me More ...

There's lots more information to be found in the Careers Centre, but you should try contactir'lg your local museum and find out what they have to offer. Also. get hold of a copy of the Museums Yearbook for information on museums in your area . The monthly Museums Journal is worth checking out because it has a recruitment supplement that may just contain your dream job. Don't forget to look in the national papers. especially The Guardian. under Creative and Media. Education and Public Appointments.

T

he last two weeks have seen the news dom inated by Ne il Hamilton ' s libel act ion aga inst Harrods owner Mohammed AI Fayed , wh ich pea l<ed with Fayed bursti ng into tears after spend ing a week in the w itness box .

So we decided to ask UEA students w hich crook t hey preferred , the shamed ex-MP for Tatton or t he passport-seek ing serial liar.

Pippa Stephens, WAM 3 I don't trust either of them and I think that anyone of that ilk must be treated with extreme caution.

Julia GarbuH. SVS 2 I don't trust either of them at all.

John Howard. LAW 3 I trust Jeffrcy Archer.

Nicole Fortmann. LAW 3 Hmm. I think I'd have to say Neil Hamilton. based on lool<s alone.

Rachel Burbidge, LL T 3 Are you seriously asking me that question?

Louise Wickendon. EAS 2

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I find both equally untrustworthy. I wouldn't trust either as far as I could throw them.

Emily Carr. visitor I don't lmow who either of them are.

So, the general consensus seems to be that UF.A trusts neither Hamilton nor Fayed. But, while Fayed polled no votes whatsoever. the former Conservative received one vote in his favour. So by default the students of UEA side with the Cash For Questions MP, if only as a result of his devastating. clean-cut good looks.

www.concrete-online.co.uk

Concrete Wednesday, December 1, 1999

Featured 20

So you think you know about. ..

-This Century 1. Which monarch died at the start of the century?

2. Name the two Prime Ministers who led Britain during the First World War? 3 . In what year did women over the age of 21 get the vote? ~ 4. How many Oscars did Gone with the Wind receive?

5. Which two cit ies were bombed by the allies to end the Second World War? 6 . Name the first single to top the music charts when they were officially introduced in 1952 7. Name the first eleven players in the England team that beat West Ge rmany in the 1966 World Cup final 8. In what year did the United Kingdom go metric?

9) Which headline did The Sun use w hen British forces sunk the Belgrano during the Falkla nds conflict?

1 0. How many Labour MPs were elected in the 1997 election which ended 18 years of ·conservative rule?

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10. Ric h people'' middle schoo l

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20. Famous cigars 161 2.\ . h~m:h farewell (5)

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travel

If four months on a mountain appeals, then

being a chalet rep could be the holiday job for you. Joanne Aitchison ·tells of her piste experience ... o is it really like that War and Piste documentary, then?" This is the question everyone asks when I mention my season working as a chalet girl in the French Alps.

Although thousands of young skiers and boarders make a beeline for the snow and fun of the mountains every winter, the BBC series seems to have left only one image on the British psyche: that of the dappy chalet girl.

And this was the mantle I was to take on, working for Crystal Holidays, a large, well-established ski company which sends holiday-makers to all the major skiing resorts in Europe and North America.

Being straight out of A-Levels and seemingly unemployable, I was nervous that it would be hard to get work at a resort. I need not have worried; it seems most companies don't regard experience as a priority (probably because they have to pay you more) and I was called to interview by most of them. After an interview - a group affair designed to weed the confident and capable from the shy and retiring types - I was offered the job without the often obligatory two week cookery course. I did, however, have to pay a staggering £100 as a · commitment bond to ensure that I would arrive for the training months later.

Keeping a watchful eye out for stereotypical clueless chalet girls I boarded the coach on a drab London November day, ready for the dreaded 20 hour journey down to Meribel for chalet staff training. Training for chalet staff is a pretty basic affair, revolving around food hygiene, health and safety, lots of cooking and - everyone's favourite the 'How to Clean' lecture. Most importantly with 250 chalet reps in an otherwise empty resort, it's

''S

an excuse to party! By the end of the week, after I'd become acquainted with many people and learnt many new drinking games, it became apparent that the chalet girl envisaged by the media was not going to emerge - from among the Crystal staff at least. Workers ranged from gap year students to almost professional seasonaires (lots of Aussies and Kiwis), to some very brave retired couples. No one seemed 'dizzy' and most 'chalet girls' turned out to be 'chalet boys', with a huge proportion of staff being male and keen snowboarders.

So after a very enjoyable training week I arrived in the resort where I was to be based for the next four months. Serre Chevalier in the Southern Alps, just five minutes from the highest town in Europe Briancon , at 1350 metres. The town is also historically interesting, as due to its position on the border with Italy it was stunningly fortified by Vauban during the reign of Louis XIV. The resort itself is stretched between three villages at three different altitudes. The ski area is the fourth largest in Europe and the resort is also home to France's present ski hero, Luc Alphand, World Champion of the downhill . To give testimony to their pride in the Alphand the French apparently feel obliged to plaster his photo on possible object: lift passes, billboards, you name it. They have even named a local beer after him .

As I was handed the keys to my nine-person chalet, I was suddenly aware of the responsibility I was going to carry for the next four months. How would I fare? Maybe I was the dizzy blonde (and I was blonde) chalet girl depicted on War and Piste, about to begin my season of cu linary disasters.

But after giving my chalet its much needed spring

clean, and taking down most of the terrible pictures on the walls, I felt a little more in control. I was also to live in the chalet, which was based in the most central village of the resort, and described in the brochure as "rustic"; which translates as, "Basic with lots of heavy French furniture" .

Soon I was ready for my first guests. But none came. For the first two weeks of the season my chalet remained empty, largely because - to my horror- there was as yet no snow. So with no worries of under-cooked turkeys or burnt Christmas puds, I managed to party my way through the Christmas period.

New Year followed swiftly, bringing with it the busiest week of the season, and the prospect of nine advanced skiers arriving in my chalet with only nine runs of artificial snow to ski. My fears abated when a group of young Oxford graduates bounded off the coach . Due to the lack of snow they decided to throw themselves wholeheartedly into the New Year festivities. Their attitude relaxed me and my three course meals were greeted with much appreciation . In return they insisted I helped

"Diverse in character, the guests that arrived on my doorstep each week never failed to surprise." consume their duty free. By New Year they were dancing drunkenly around the dining table and at the end of the week gave me the gilt of a fleece and an alarm clock (due to my postponed appearance at breakfast one morni_ng) . ~ But it's not all parties and presents in the life of a chalet girl. I had to bake the infamous yoghurt cake (made with yoghurt so it rises at altitude), serve breakfast, prepare the evening meal and clean the chalet daily. Many hours were spent over the winter cleaning toilets, showers, making awkward beds and shovelling snow, which is not a pleasant job at 8.30am. Guests do not improve matters, vomiting randomly around the chalet after one vin chaud too many and inventing bizarre food allergies to disrupt your meal plans; one guest even claimed to be allergic to lettuce.

Weekly shopping is the nadir of a chalet rep's life,

and takes up a whole day. Changeover day is also more time off the mountain, with the departure of *' guests, sometimes as early as 5.30am and the arrival of a new 'batch'. Occasionally, however the chance would come up to leave the resort bubble and be the rep on one of the transfer coaches to and from the airport. This involved trying to get the guests to hire skis while on the coach and making the cheesy rep's speeches over the microphone.

Diverse in character, the guests that arrived on my doorstep each week never failed to surprise. The budget rates for renting the chalet attracted mostly groups of friends in their twenties and thirties, and relieved me of the strain of catering for children.

All pleasant, excepting one lone man who started drinking at breakfast and by the evening meal was usually falling off his chair or trying to start fights with other guests. All the visitors left a tip, usually ~ averaging £40, which equalled the amount I was receiving as wages!

Most memorable was 'gay week', when a group of five lesbians who'd formed a band called the Scary Bitches, two gay guys and a straight woman who was pregnant came to stay. The 'Bitches turned out not to be very scary at all, and much A!Jba was sung around the dining table.

Work in a ski resort, however interesting, comes a poor second to the excitement of waking up in the morning with a whole mountain on your doorstep to go and play on . The seasonal environment also lends itself to social madness, as workers are let loose on the bars and clubs of the resort, consuming almost unbelievable amounts of alcohol every night while still somehow managing to get up for work by eight the next morning.

After 12 weeks of such mayhem, the season was over. In the surprisingly hot April weather I cleaned down the chalet, replaced the horrible pictures on the wall and handed the keys back to the owners. Then my friends and I headed off to Alp d'Huez for the Crystal end-of-season party.

Here I received an award for 'Best Chalet Rep of the Southern Alps' and was a little disappointed to discover that the prize was a pair of skis (I board) But at least I knew I must have been doing something right, and with a happy heart, if slightly poisoned liver, I returned to England content that I won my own battle with War and Piste. · r

tock ile I know the changing temperature of piano keys after minutes and hours of practice.

I know broken fingertip flesh on the strings of a first guitar.

I know the ringing of stereo-speaker reverberations , ears sore after hours of too loud guitar riffs and screaming hippies surrounding and becoming the noise.

I know the curve of a young writer's spine as he sleeps, foetal , an old weight lifted from his shoulders.

I know the reassurance of someone else's child breathing regularly , evenly, under cartoon character bed covers.

I know the bright strokes of absinthe-flavoured madness in a Van Gogh landscape.

I know the calming monotony of a nine-hour train ride from Paris to Frankfurt, crossing languages and landscapes.

I know the rip of tendon separating from bone after too many football games ; diving from feet to hip to shoulder, head sliding into pole, ball into gut, cleat into rib , chin into chest.

I know the moment of realisation that the car will not stop, that the rain is too thick, that the brakes are worn and the impact will be soon.

I know loss.

I know the tears of a lifetime of disbelief culminating and solidifying in a silent, broken prayer in Notre Dame Cathedral - 10 francs for a tea candle and a picture of a stained glass kaleidoscope .

I know the disappointment of alcoholic expectation with a reality chaser.

I know the fear built into the foundations of a city with a history of madness, trying to construct forgetting with modern architecture and monuments.

I know guilt and blame and hate with and without reason , like an acid eating from the inside.

I know obsession to the point of insane pleas, begging for possibility, naked and staring at a burning cigarette in a shaking hand , ashes falling in slow motion into a cup of stale black coffee.

I know words, spinning and spurting geysers from brain to mouth to hand to page - ::m d wordlessness - nine dry months of empty notebooks imagining the poetry of lovers' footsteps on the Charles Bridge, and when finally there, watching the patterns of brown and orange leaves spreading around swans and then continuing down to Vltava River - 2am drunken nights in Praha and still without words - my stolen poetics packed into a dirty, red, North Face backpack and into the pockets of baggy, brown , Gap corduroys.

I know surrealism, studying Dali for hours in museums across the continent; looking for differences between displays in Vienna and Bruges , again in Paris, finally questioning the gift shop cashier why each original has been six times copied and stumbling upon the worth of a signature. ..,1 know desire for a stranger on the metro, raw and indecent.

I know the look on the face of a friend as she drives away, road blurred by tears and fearing that this may actually be the last time, blue eyes wide and pupils dilated , hands gripping the wheel , knuckles white, chest heaving.

I'm sorry for leaving ... take care .. I love you ... / promise I will come home. ,

I know cramps路that distort the wrist into a 45 degree angle and claw the fingers , sharp pains run from palm to elbow to shoulder and back like electrical curren ts caught in an arm-lengthed wire, hand suddenly unable to grip pen, ink smearing in a jagged line down a half-written page, the Bic finally falling as the other, controlled hand grips the opposite wrist and squeezes, massaging the muscles into submission.

I know the feel of Nazi pebbles and dirt under sandaled feet , treading along the pathways of Auschwitz-Birkenau , holding my breath and wiping the salty mixture of sweat and tears from my cheekbones , placing my hand on a triple bunk bed meant to hold 45 Jews and then quickly pulling it away for fear that I might feel something there, something hidden and horrible in the splinters of wood.

I know the texture of rough tree bark against my cheek, arms embracing a dying breed , hands holding those of another soaring mistress of nature and then kissing the dirt ingrained there and apologising for my race , apologising for bruises and broken branches.

I know that I don't know the truth about Vietnam , the reason the NRA is running America from the inside, the source of power hunger and hatred that cracks countries at the seams, where my tuition or my taxes go , or who my lover was thinking of as we slept with backs turned on opposite sides of his bed, despising each other, guilty and ashamed that our love was not strong enough to sort through the misunderstandings .

But I do know friendship and its ability to soothe the fear of the unknown , girls huddled together on a grey couch, laughing and accidentally tipping over the bang , trying anything to soothe an unseen throbbing .. succeeding with clutched hands and theo ries pieced together night by night, establishing a place safe enough to survive in .

I know th e catharsis of letting it all hang loose, dancing around an Indiana bonfire to acoustic chords and bongo drums, limbs and lyrics flowing without effort, voices rising , entwined with the blackened smoke and falling in embers onto our clothes.

I know jealousy.

I know the chemical formula for cocaine and how a substance can change someone from Prozac pleasant depression into a retro-king with wide eyes, lips numb but continuously moving.

I know that sugar is good for memory and caffeine for wakefulness but neither will pass a three-hour organic chemistry exam.

I know the taste of Velvet, smooth and frothy going down at 11 am in a basement pub with a new acquaintance that speaks a different language but listens to my foreign tongue.

I know objects are only objects until they are blessed with sentimentality and then they are much more.

I know the serenity in meditation and the safety of existentialist Buddhism , that life is more than money, that learning is more than marks, that travelling is more than stamps in a passport. that history is more than textbooks, that letters and words can be holy, and poetry a religion .

Drowning You watch the water spin down the drain , rubbing dirt specks from your body onto the steaming tiles , washing microscopic particles from your bare skin , washing away another night, another day . You watch the water spin like the whirlpool that caught your eye as a child ; floating in the pleasing pressure of the hot waves that silently threatened suffocation, and you could get lost just staring at the patterns in the frothy film . You

think that water is childhood , swirling , but it feels different now, flows differently . You watch the water spin and it is not heavy or discoloured but it sinks strange, in clockwise circles and burns as it runs over sores and scars . You watch the water spin and fall through the holes like a tiny black abyss and you wonder how long it takes to wash every cell away , taking all of you into that darkness, washing you clean .

I know the moment of realisation that the car will not stop, that the rain is too thick, that the brakes are worn and the impact will be soon.

Beautiful together lt's late and I'm tired but sleep is not an option, there are other matters at hand.

"I hope you will be happy," I say and look up at, (of all things), eyes that are filled with tears.

Eyes filled with tears because my blessing means that much.

My face remains straight but my hands are shaking. lt's late and I'm tired but sleep is not an option, so I smoke cigarettes while eyes watch my shaking hands and cry and say "I'm sorry."

And not even with the conviction that such a phrase requires.

Instead whispered, "I'm sorry."

And the eyes are filled with tears as if they know what it feels like

to be drown ing.

But it's late and I'm tired and sleep is not an option.

"We were supposed to be art, " I whisper to counter the apology, "we were supposed to be gilded, sculpted, painted, sung.

We were supposed to be art.

Not tears, not shaking hands, not displaced blessings.

Art, we were supposed to be beautiful."

But now it's late and I'm tired and you are no longer an option.

Our eyes stare at each other until the appearance of the sun coaxes them to close and we fall, exhausted, into a rough and lonely sleep.

Poems by Parna Mehrbani Submissions for this page (short stories, 1800 words max, and poetry) should be made to Kris Siefken in the Concrete office, or emailed to su. concrete@ uea.ac. uk All rights revert to the author upon publication, although subsequent publications should acknowledge prior appearance in Concrete.

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1mes UNION HOUSE Will close at 5.30pm on 23rd December and · re-open at 8am ~n 4th January.

UNION BARS Will close at 4pm on 23rd December and re-open for normal hours on 4th January, with the exception of the Back Bar (see below)

PAPERS HOP

served on these evenings and that the Back Bar will be closed on 31st December and the 1st of January.

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Will close at 4pm on 17th December and re-open at lOam on lOth January. ===

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23rd December - Normal Hours 12.00 - 23.00 24th, 25th, 26th, 27th, Closed 28th December - 19.00 - 23.00 29th December - 19.00 - 23.00 30th December - 19.00 - 23.00 31st December - 19.00 - 01.00 1st January- 19.00- 23.00 2nd January- 19.00- 23.00 3rd January.- 19.00- 23.00 4th January - Business as usual

Will close at 4pm on 23rd December and re-open at 8.30am on 4th January.

POST OFFICE 1 1

SPORTS CENTRE , ·closed 24 Dec - 3 Jan incl.

r,

THE BACK BAR

TRAVEL SHOP

Will close a lpm on 23rd December and re-open at 9.30am on 4th January.

Will be closed from 4pm on 23rd December until 8.00am on 4th January.

Newspapers, sweets, tobacco goods, milk, bread and other basic items may be bought from the shop at the BP Petrol Station at the Fiveways Garage. Newspapers are not published on Christmas Day.

Will close at 4pm on 23rd December. lt will be open on 29th &30th December 12 noon until 3pm and then closed until 9am on 4th January.

BOOK SHOP

TOP FLOOR

Open daily 24 Dec- 31 Dec &2 Jan- 4 Jan, lOam Will be open on the evenings of 27th, 28th, 29th - 2pm, but note closed on 1 Jan. &30th December and 2nd &3rd January from 7pm CHAPLAINCY untilllpm with entertainment, TV and refreshments I available. Please note that alcoholic drinks will not be Open daily 2 - ~pm '

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advertisement You spend more than half of your income on it.

You spend over a third of your time there.

When something goes wrong with it, it causes you agreat deal of anxiety and can result in significant financial loss.

Isn't it worth getting it right?

Make sure you know enough to make the right decision and to avoid trouble.

Come o ousing Information Week 20th - 24th March 2000 For more information see Concrete in February 2000 - Aunt Aggie ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Aunt Aggie, I am a female student here. I am doing a phd in EAS on "The psychological impact of dreary concrete constructions on the post modern feminist". Unfortunately my supervisor's speciality is the loss of the Victorian feminine ideal, with specific reference to corsetry and hosiery, and the subsequent degeneration of the 20th Century society. He believes that had women remained in their trussed up silent state of the Victorian times, society would be an untroubled place.

He has obvious trouble in communicating with me. He will not see me unless my partner accompanies me and like a Victorian piano, will only talk to me if I have my legs entirely covered. He has strange and disconcerting habits. Every time I go into his office there is a distinct aroma of talcum powder and snuff in the air. He is so much in another time zone that he regularly turns up late to or misses agreed supervision sessions. He is a member of some Victorian banqueting society and on some occasions he forgets to remove his fake beauty spot before coming into work. He was off for two weeks once and there were rumours that he had a cracked rib from having his corset fastened too tightly!! lt appears that he agreed to be my supervisor as he is on a mission to show me the errors of my ways and to convert me to his way of thinking. When we first met, he told me that he was going to release me from the "over-emancipation of women", whilst giving my partner, who he insisted was present, a knowing wink.

Frankly the man scares me, he is 4 wheels short.of a car and two wings short of a plane.

On a personal level he won't look me in the eye and talks to me through my boyfriend. As far as my academic career is concerned I could not think of a less well-suited person to supervise me. lt has got to the point where I am thinking of giving up.

What do you reckon Aunt Aggie?

Sue Strong EAS P/G Dear Sue, When you started your course you may have been given a copy of the "Guide to supervisory practice for graduate research students and their supervisors". In there it states that the supervisor and student have a joint responsibility to agree on "expectations as well as clarifying other critical activities and dates". Both have a duty to keep appointments and stick to any arrangements that have been agreed. lt would seem you have good grounds to complain about the behaviour of your supervisor. Though he does appear to be an unusual character, in making any complaint it would be advisable to concentrate on his behaviour and your concerns regarding his ability to supervise you properly.

There is a procedure to follow if you have a grievance. Firstly you should bring the matter to the attention of your supervisor. You should then seek out the person in your school responsible for graduate studies to discuss your difficulties in confidence and the possibility of a new supervisor. If these informal approaches are unsuccessful, you can use the Academic Complaints Procedure.

If you need support at any stage, make an appointment with an Advice Worker in the Student Advice Centre.

Final thought: Christmas is a time of good will to all men except those in corsets.

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am woman

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earme roar

Assertiveness Training for Wo11en Wednesday 1st December 2.15pm-4.45pm Room 1.28 Union House ·

T is session will: Help you to identify how assertive you are and how to become more assertive in different situations Identify confidence-building assertive body language And non-verbal communication.

For more information contact the Academic Officer IUCIII@IIUC Ilk or come and sign up hi the Student Advice Centre

Women's Self Defence Session Wednesday 8 December

12.30pm-2.30pm , . - - - - - - - - - - Room 1.28 Union House

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Sign up in the Student Advice Centre

Free of Charge For more details see Claire Kober, Welfare Officer su.welf@uea ... '

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Required to contribute to original research on what makes successful research-led teaching at UEA Students must have substantial experience of UEA, a mature approach and be eager to creatively explore this exciting research subject. They must be available to attend a research workshop and to commit themselves to conducting research throughout the spring term Benefits include: pay on completion, great CV-boosting experience, and individual acknowledgement in all research output.

For more information attend the briefing session at either 12 or 1pm Tbu11day 9th December 1999. E-mail

J.Peel@uea for room details.

Norwich has a surplus of student accommodation so don't just plump. the first house you see

Don't sign before you're sure.

Most off-campus housing for the Academic year 2000-2001 will bedvertised through the Student Union Housing Bureau from the:

1st May 2000

oney Talks Annual General Meeting To approve the Union accounts for the year And to discuss any motions put forward Monday 6th December &pm LCR Motions must be submitted by Spm on Tuesday 30th November.

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Sport 2

Concrete Wednesday, December 1, 1999

BUSA RESULTS WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 17

FOOTBALL

UEA taking part in Cross Counrty event

cccc

Mens 1 Mens 3

(a) (a)

Bucks

BADMINTON Mens 1

Mens 1

(a)

BASKETBALL 55-54

Brunei Kent Luton

(a) (h) (h)

5-45 1017

UCN

8-4

Men

ICL ICL

(h)

Camb UCN UCN

(h) (h) (h)

(a)

UEA

21-30

Brunei

(a)

13-55 30-22 22-5

RUM S RUMS Essex

(a)

Men

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

0 0 0 0 0 1 2 2 2 2

8 5 4 10 3 3 2 1 0 0

1 0 1 0 4 13 6 5 5

6 6 6 3 3 3 0 0 0 6

2-15

Martin and Acock Norfolk Womens Hockey League Divi i n p w d a Pts f

...

I'Jorwi~ity4

sM.rfl ~

6 6

•

6 Q,

.. o •

•

(a)

Camb

6 6 6 5 6 6 5 6 6 6

5 4 4 3 3 3 2 1 1 0

1 1 1 1 1 0 1 0 0 0

0 1 1 1 2 3 2 5 5 6

21 15 12 10 12 10 16 7 4 3

2 5 4 7 11 11 9 18 19 24

0 0 0 1 2 1 2 2 1 1

0 1 2 2 2 3 3 3 4

,, ,

32 19 12 11 8 10 4 10 3 {)

6 5 6 10 9 13

6 17 18 .19

18 15 12 10 8 7 5 5 4

16 13 13 10 10 9 7 3 3 0

,1

r

.

6 5 7 4 5 7 5 5 3 ~

5 5 3 3 3 2 2 1 0

... .,

V V V

Hunstanton

(h)

19.40

Earl ham Wroxham A Spixsworth Res

(h) (h) (h)

14.00 ....

14.00 14.00

Pelicans 2 Pelicans 3 Pelicans 4 Beccles M'pies Colts B Evergreens 2

(h) (a) (h) (h) (a) (h)

14.30

West N'folk 2 West N'folk 3 West N'folk

(h) (a) (h)

13.30

HOCKEY Mens 1 Mens 2 Mens 3 Womens 1 Womens 2 Womens 3

V V V V V V

16.00 13.00 10.00

RUGBY Mens 1 Mens 2 Mens 3

V V V

13.30 -oil(

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 5

AMERICAN FOOTBALL UEA

Bristol

(h)

V

Nch City 3

(a)

V

Nch Union 'A'

.(a)

V

10.00

KORFBALL UEA 1

TENNIS

Norwich Table Tennis League Divi i n p w d f TelephoneD STS Holtburn B Concrete WB UEA Briston F Taverham H Foxwood D Norwich Union F Old Catton B Sc~,.Pioh ~

'

V

Mens 1 Mens 2 Mens 3

TABLE TENNIS

6 5 4 3 2 2 1 1 1

19.40

FOOTBALL

Martin and Acock Norfolk Womens Hockey League iv' · f d a Pts p w Old Buckenham Beccles UEA Sporowston Norwich City 2 Watton 2 Evergreens Pelicans 2 Broadland 2 Dreham 2

HOCKEY

6 6 6 6 6 6

(h)

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 4

(a) (h)

HOCKEY

Martin and Acock Norfolk Womens Hockey League Div' i 1 f p w d a Pts

Denver Yarmouth 2 Old Buckenham 2 Dereham Fillies UEA2 Magpies 4 Magpies Colts B Norwich Union 3

Norwich Union F

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 2

TABLE TENNIS

HOCKEY

2 2 2 1 1 1 0 0 0 0

V

SQUASH

Mens 1 Mens 2 Women

(h)

Kent

2 2 2 1 1 2 2 2 2 2

(a)

Watton

TABLE TENNIS

LOCAL LEAGUE TABLES Beccles Old Buckenham UEA Evergreens Sprowston Broadland 2 Dereham 3 Pelicans 2 Watton 2 Norwich City 2

V

RUGBY

(a)

TENNIS Womens

(h)

11 .00

SQUASH

NETBALL

RUGBY Mens 1 Mens 2

Camb

0-4 5-0 12-0

UEA 2

28-32

3-6

(h)

(h)

City

NETBALL UEA 1

(h) (h)

UEA

Mens 1 Mens 2 Womens 2 2-3 5-0 14-0

UCN UCN

HOCKEY

HOCKEY Mens 1 Mens 3 Womens 2

1-1 0-0

BADMINTON Brunei

6-3

Mens

ATHLETICS

FOOTBALL

2-3 3-3

Mens 1 Mens 3

LOCAL LEAGUE FIXTURES WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 1

BUSA RESULTS WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 24

0 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 1

1 0 4 1 2 4 3 4 2

QI ~ ~

Ql I '

UEA 'A'

a Pts 17 11 39 11 26 43 28 32 19

43 39 31 29 24 27 22 18 11

~

t 1

.~

19 18 12 12 11 10 9 5 3 ' •' \

BUSA FIXTURES WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 1

NETBALL fl

UEA 2

v

LACROSSE

Camb

(h )

14.00

!

¡~a

~

Sport

Concrete Wednesday, December 1, 1999

Nick Henegan roots out his crystal ball to see what the next millennium has in store for SP.Ort...

here have been monumental changes in the world of sport over the last 100 years: today's technology means that competitors can now perform better than ever before, both legally . . and Illegally, while the advent of television and the increasing involvement of big business has made sport into a valuable commodity.

But if you thought things cou ldn't go any further then just look at the delights and monstrosities that may be in store over the next century.

.T

2001-2004 As the millennium celebrations continue apace the news comes that the face of British sport has been cruelly deformed .

To the dismay of housewives everywhere, tweed loving ~..r> es Lynam is ordered to shave off his

moustache by ITV bosses.

"Unfortunately moustaches just don't come into our vision of sports broadcasting in the new millennium," says a spokesman for the network.

immigration laws".

As the Robson scandal is brushed under the carpet, things begin to look up for the national side and England quality for the 2018 World Cup through

Sir David Beckham is left devastated after his son Brooklyn joins Manchester City FC. The trend spreads, as England stalwart David Seaman also becomes friendly with the shaving foam .

Asked why he suddenly decided to change his image the popular Yorkshire man said, "I only kept it so long because I wanted to look like Des".

Still on the subject of hair, the tennis community is left stunned in 2004 after the revelation that multiple champion Pete Sampras is really a monkey.

Following the release of photographs

the play-offs.

There are worries surrounding the tournament , largely revolving around the fact that FIFA was unable to find a suitable host nation . Instead the tournament is going to take place on a series of specially constructed "stadium islands" in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

In the run up to the championships, speculation is rife that Paul Gascoigne, 51 , could make yet another comeback.

"I fee l fitter than ever, I've su rely got as much chance as anyone," slurred Gazza as he left the Coach & Horses freehouse.

I

showing Sampras enjoying his retirement in the South American jungle, his management was forced to come clean over the star's shady past.

11 turns out that the simian star was resc ued from a travelling circus as a baby and taught how to play tennis by money loving agents.

A source close to the disgraced primate said , "We just wanted to see how far a monkey could go on the professional tour".

Animal rights activists are said to be closely watching this year's Wimbledon.

2009-2017

â&#x20AC;˘

Michael Owen enters the record books again as he becomes the youngest ever England manager at the tender age of 29.

His shock appointment comes after Bryan Robson was forced to resign when it emerged that he was illegally trying to nationalise Brazilians and bring them into the team.

FA chairman, Gary Lineker, said , "11 doesn't matter how good these players are, we cannot condone breaking

I

0

ageing pill , jeopardising the careers of young sports stars as ageing athletes refuse to retire .

World record holder Linford Christie said , "I don't see what we can do, to ban this drug would effectively be murder."

Unfortunately the drug also means that Jimmy Hill will remain on TV for the foreseeable future.

By the middle of the century the governing bodies of sport world-wide agree enough is enough and vote for a total ban on genetically modified sports stars.

The final straw came after a series of record breaking performances from Gloria Mark IV, who becomes the first woman in history to break the two second barrier for the 100 metres.

"Genetically modified athletes have been dominating for too long , we can 't let science stand in the way of fair play any more," said the head of the International Olympic Committee,

A Earning billions in appearance fees and travelling the galaxy, the top bowlers have gained iconic status.

2069-2084

Sir David Beckham is left devastated as his son Brooklyn joins Manchester City in a multi-billion pound deal.

The move went through while the Man United president was in the Far East securing a new television deal.

Beckham returned to discover that his wife Victoria was the one who had advised her son to ally himself with the blue half of the city.

Posh defended her actions, snapping , "When he said that Manchester City was interested in him I said go for it.

"I really don't see what all the fuss is about, I mean he is playing for his dad's team , isn't he".

2033-2051 As technology advances apace the possibility for athletes to illegally boost their performance seem to grow exponentially.

2033 sees the development of an anti -

Meanwhile, back on Earth, the furore surrounding GM athletes erupts again .

The newly formed Formula 100000 team Maclaren-Ferrari is facing the wrath of the sport's governing body after flagrantly ignoring the ban on GM competitors.

The public launch of the motor-human hybrid caused worldwide consternation as both human and motor "' vehicle rights organisations boycotted the event.

As sport becomes an intergalactic enterprise, disturbing facts come to light.

Data sent back to earth from a NASA space probe proves what many people have suspected for years : that referees are from another planet.

The probe, originally sent to determine whether there is a link between black holes and the swing of a cricket ball , stumbled upon a planet inhabited by a race of power hungry monsters who, it turns out, have a significant population on earth.

The inhabitants of the planet, situated two light years west of Venus, explained why they have infiltrated human society.

Said the alien leader, "The aim is to take over the universe by driving other species to despair, and our research showed that taking the form of referees would have the desired effect on you earthlings".

Unfortunately, the experiment ends in failure as the hybrid deliberately crashes into the tire wall at the Moon GP. The suicide note says, "I iust cou ldn't stand living that bloody garage any more."

After one hundred years of sporting domination football finally becomes a victim of its own popularity.

The crowds, the money and the stars begin to desert the sport following the surprise emergence of indoor bowls as the world 's premier sport.

Earning billions in appearance fees and travelling the galaxy th e top bowlers have gained iconic status.

Asked why bowls had become so popular one punter said , "Life is just so hectic these days, what with travelling light years to work every day, and I find there's nothing more relaxing than sitting down to enjoy a nice quiet game of bowls."

â&#x20AC;˘ Sport 28

Concrete Wednesday, December 1, 1999

Chettle's pet rescue Nottingham Forest captain Steve Chettle leapt into the River Trent to save a drowning dog.

The star defender abandoned a training session to dash to the Labrador's rescue, despite still wearing his kit.

Following the rescue Chettle astoundingly said, " I don 't even like dogs" .

Bonking boost

Concrete makes its fortnightly visit to Carrow Road

By LUCY SACRE, and NICK HENEGAN

WITH CITY being one of the in form sides of the first division, the Carrow Road faithful anticipated victory in the all important Norfolk-Suffolk derby on Sunday, November 21 .

But as is often the case with derby games it turned out to be an anti climax with both sides being more concerned wi th defensive solidity rather th an att ack ing fl air.

With City being one of the in form 'ides of tlJC first division . the Carrow Road faithful anticipated victory in the ';Ill important orfolk Suffolk derby on Sunday, November 21 .

But as is often the case with derby gamcs it 'turned out to be an a nti climax with both sides being more concerned with defensive solidity rather than attacking flair.

The game wm, played at a frantic pace, with neither side giving the other time to settle and keep possession.

Though play moved quickly from one end of the pitch to the other sho ts on targe t were few a nd fa r between.

Norwich great ly missed the pace and width provided by Darren Eadie who was forced to sit on the sidelines through injury.

Penetrate As a resu lt they were unable to effectively penetrate th e Ipswich back four. orwich 's few chances came through the ambitious running of striker. Adrian Forbes, who, in the

22nd minute. created a great opportunity.

Bursting through the Ipswich defence he stroked the ball acrm.s an open goal. but unfortunately there was no one following up to add the vital touch for the goal.

In an attempt to improve City's a tt acki ng strength Bruce Rioch opted for a double substitution in the 52nd minute.

But the introduction of Paul Dalglish and Cedric Anselin failed to have the desired effect on the game .

Praised But of the two sides. Norwich were the most satisfied with the result. and manager Bruce Rioch heartily praised his defence , whose organisation and performance were certainly impressive.

City 's unbeaten run of eight games wa' shattered last Tuesday as the curse of the last minu te goa l struck aga in.

Norw ich looked set for another point in their second 0-0 draw in a week until Crystal Palace\ Mattias Svensson nodded the ball pa;t Any

Kieron Dyer takes on the Ipswich defence

Marshal! in the 90th minute.

Again Cit y lookcd >tarved of attacking flair and found it impossibk to find a way through the Londoner\ defence. despite !wan Roberh being rcqorcd to the starting line up . orwich 's tops) turvy season continued with a trip to Grimsby last Sunday.

Things looked good for the Canaries as Darren Kcnton headed home after just eleven minutes from a Darren Eadie corner.

But Kenton soon compensated Grimsby for his goal hy giving away a penalty just before half time . which Lee Ashcroft duly s lo tted home.

And on the hour mark Ashcroft was in on the act again as he followed up a stinging Jack Le;tcr shot. letting Grimsby >teal the three point>.

Speculation And Bruce Rioch, stirred speculation that he could be interested in the vacant position at Blackburn Rover>. after he refused to answer questions on the job.

Lo,ing Rioch would create C\cn more instability at Carro" Road and certain!) kill any promotion hopes that the City faithful arc clinging to.

CITY STAYS DIVISION ONE

P W D L GS Pt 12.Tranmere 21 13.West B. 19 14.Norwlch 19 15.C.Palace 20 16.Biackburn 18

7 5 9 28 26 5 10 4 20 25 6 7 6 16 25 6 6 8 28 24 5 8 5 21 23

NORWICH CITY TOP SCORERS lwan Roberts 7

Dare! Russell

2

A new study suggests that sex before matches can enhance the performance of football and rugby players. it has previously been thought that levels of the hormone testosterone, which increases aggression, are drained by sex.

But Italian boffins found higher levels in men after they began bonking after therapy for impotence. " If a player needs to be more aggressive it's better to have 'sex", said one researcher.

Record breaker Super fast snooker star Ronnie O'Sullivan burst into the record books last week as he notched up the second fastest victory for a best of 17 frame match.

The Londoner beat Anthony Hamilton 9-1 in just 105 minutes at the Liverpool Victoria UK championship in Bournemouth.

O'Sullivan's victory was only fourteen minutes slower than Tony Drago's whitewash of Joe O'Boye in 1990.

Quick march Swansea striker Waiter Boyd fouled his way into the record books as he was given his marching orders after nought seconds.

Boyd was brought on as a substitute after Swansea were awarded a free kick but before the ball could be struck the Jamaican star had sent Darlington's Martin Gray crashing to the ground with a vicious elbow.

Leighton James of BBC Radio Wales said, " Our time keepers say fifty-seven second elapsed between Boyd being waved on by the linesman and being sent off by the referee. But the match was never restarted and the ball was never in play. So, technically, he had been on no time at all"

ll

BUSINESS MANAGEMENT IN SALES AND MARKETING Are you a competitive and highly self motivated team player, looking to progress as quickly as your talents and personality will let you?

If you answered Yes to this question, then a graduate career with Enterprise Rent-A-Car could be just what you are looking for. We are looking to recruit highly energetic sales orientated individuals who are willing to work hard , and have the same commitment to customer service that Enterprise has established over the years. We are looking for the Managers of our future.

We offer a fast track into Management working for a privately held, multibillion pound corporation; our need is to find individuals capable of continuing ou r phenomenal growth in the UK, repeating the success stories of North America and Canada. Your job will be to learn all aspects of our business from the ground floor up, dealing with all functions of running your own small business in the decentralised structure we operate.

One of the great things about Enterprise is that its up to you how quickly you get to the top.

If you are a graduate, who thinks they

can make the most of these opportunities, please send your CV with a covering letter to: Miss Joss Rutherford, Enterprise RentA-Car, HR Dept 51/UEA, Beechwood House, Depot Road, Newmarket, Suffolk, CBB OAL. jrutherford@ erac.com Recruiting for the East England area. www.erac.com

We are an equal opportunity employer.

ij;t.j;li£UJI:f.if!

Women 27-23 Men

I

THERE IS nothing like a charitable cause to bring out the most eccentric in people, and last Friday's netball encounter was no exception.

ThL' match. \\'hi eh 11 a> organit.:tf a-. a l'unJrai,.:r Ior Children in \ked. 11 a-. nothing -. hon ol L'\tranrdinar). ao, a tc;un or men 111 'kirh ton" on the cream nr lii:A' netball talent.

1r thing~ \\Cren·t .... urrcal enough the \\ omcn hrnught out a 'CL n:t 11rapnn. Union Sporh Officer lhi Goii<Ul. minu> >kin.

De,pite the fac·t that the men 11ere 'till di'CLI"ing the ruk' a' the match began they got off to an impres\ive \ tan . \Coring lirst with hard] a minute on the clock.

Bewildered The women looked bc11 i Ide red and it took a numher of missed chances and a few more goals for the men hcfore they found their s tride.

Af'ter a surpr isingly close lir\1 quarter the scores were level at four all.

The men took the initiative again in the second period as they made their height advantage count. while some fine passing from Mauhew Southerdan. who raised £50 by shavi ng his legs for the occasion, c reated pl e nt y o f c hances.

To the d ismay of the women Lhe

men well! 1nto half tune 11 -9 up.

Competitive In 11 hat 11 a' 'UJlJl<hcJ to be a f1icnJI) match the nHnpctitiiC 'Pirit 11a' immcmc. anJ not to he outdone the women upped their game and opened up a four point kad go in g into the founh quarter.

B) this 'tage there 11 ere 'omc red face' on the men's 'ide. and a» the) began to tire the 11omen hroke the 20 poim harrier.

At the end of the four quarters the women were leading b) 21 points to 18. but the men 'till f'eh they could snatch victory and insisted on the match being taken into an unprecedented fifth quarter.

Superior lt was no use, however. as the women's superior skill shone through despite a late »urge from the men.

Afte r the match there was mutu al pra ise from a ll o r the competitors.

WheeLed lbi Gowan. " I never realized how tiring netball is. it gives you a rea l im.ight into the sport."

Hannah Jobling, the Netball Firsts capta in, added , "Tha nks to a ll th e players."

But she was keen to encourage more people to get into the charitable mood saying. "Lots of effort was put into this so it would have been ni ce to sec a b it more s upport ''.

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Concrete Wednesday, December 1, 1999

Sport 31

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Marathon man hits new P.eaks in Scotland A UEA student is on top of the world after he won top prize in the prestigious Karrimore International Mountain Marathon.

Rupert Gladstone, an ENV post graduate, took to the hills on the Cowell peninsular in Western Scotland earlier this month for one of the most gruelling sporting events in Britain.

"The competition is run in two man teams and is a two day orienteering event, run over the most challenging peaks in the British Isles. " Teams carry their own food and camping equipment for the over-night stop" said Rupert, an experienced mountaineer and orienteer.

Elite Gladstone and his partner Tim Lenton, a former UEA student and now elite orienteer, competed on the A

course.

This is the second highest standard, behind only the elite course, and, with 104 teams starting and only 64 finishing, one of the most competitive.

Tired " We did well on the first day, winning with half an hour to spare, but I was very tired on the second day and we were caught just over half way round;' said Rupert.

But this failed to demoralise the pair, " The competition spurred us on.

And Fell and Climbing club member Rupert is confident that they can build upon this success. " Next year we are going to try the elite;· he enthused.

Tribute was also paid to the training provided at UEA. Said Rupert, " We have both gained a great deal in fitness from Keith Grasby's circuit training group." lt looks as though UEA has a bright future in such events, as Neil Brough and John Cox recently impressively completed the B class event in their first mountain marathon.

"My partner came up with an excellent route choice from the Fifth to Sixth control, which gave us enough of a lead to finish four minutes ahead of the next team after more than 12 hours of competition ," he added.

Gruelling The gruelling nature of the event was such that even the winners looked ready to collapse. " When we finally made it to the finish I was so exhausted from trying to stay in the lead that I stumbled in to the spectator control, which is about 100 yards from the line, in a pitiful state behind Tim. We looked so bedraggled that the photographer asked us if we were retiring."

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Basket cases hB\ijj,j.jj! UEA Men'• 55-54 cnyl

IN A dramatic and controversial finish , UEA's Men's Basketball team snatched the points away from a devastated City University and secured their place in the next round of the BUSAs. The match. which took place on Wednesday, ovember 17. saw City denied victory in the final second' as

a ba,ket was disallowed.

The vi,itor' were >o incensed that they appealed to BUSA authoritie> in an attempt to get the result ovenumed.

Commanding At the >tan of the match UEA struggled to as,ert thcm sc lve' in th e tie . but >o me commanding play from icola' icolaide' encouraged the rest of the team to up their game.

Helvor Sorem.en. who scored an impressive 22 point' in total , was impressive in attack, and was helped enormous ly by some sharp passe' from point guard, Lambros Stylianou.

Towards the end of the half City hegan to indulge in unsponsmanlike play. a tactic that only >Ucceeded in encouragi ng UEA to come ou t and win the game in the second half.

The fact that UEA were 18-28 down going Into half time wa; not a true reflec 11on of their de termined piu).

The sccnnd half""' an cnllrcl) Jiikicnt allair. with l ' I:A lor~mg

City onto the back foot.

Thi s was aided by an outstanding display from Manolis Zavolas and Jeff Manin in defence .

They took control of the keyhole area, securing a vast number of steals and allowing UEA to break forward rapidly and effective ly.

Incessant UEA\ incessant pressure staned to tell a., City began to make unforced errors.

But the e nd of the game was approaching with UEA <,till trailing by a coup le of point' ; ,o mething >pecial wa' needed to surpa's City.

Captain.

Chris Livadioti ' provided just that with two threepoint shots.

With the score at 55-53 the game had <,w ung in UEA's favour for the fir>t time wi th le'' than an mmute to go.

As the ten"on increa'>cd tempers hcgan to fra). and LIEAs Nicolas Nicolaides was sen t from the coun fnr protesting to the relcrc.:.

With nnl} 30 seconds <lll the

clock and UEA 'till holding their slender two point advantage, City were g iven the chance to steal the match a' they won two free th row>.

Fonun:t!ely for UEA they missed one, leaving the home >ide with the sma llest of lead~.

With just 'ix seconds to go City managed to break through the UEA defence which had held firm throughout the half.

But the de<,perate drive for the basket wa' stopped by Jo Wiggins who held his ground and \\On the foul.

Legal The C ity camp were adamant that the ba.,ket wa' legal and in a '>erics of i11 tempe red exchange' allemptcd to get the resu lt ove nurned. "'We arc lool.mg lorward to a long run 111 the next '>lagc of the com petlli on." said Ul::/\ Men's Baskcthall Cluh Prc.,ident. Tnstan RohnNlll. ··w,· ha' e won under prc"ure in thi s game. "' "c Ice I confident for 1hc

game~'''

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• i;i@=ij UEA Women 22 - 5 Essexl UEA'S UNSTOPPABLE Women 's Rugby team blazed to victory against arch rivals Essex University and further extend their unbeaten BUSA record.

Despite dominati ng throughout the match , UEA were denied a whitewash victory thanks to a controversial Essex try in the final minutes of the game, last Wednesday.

UEA made the early perseverance paid off in the eight, Cathe rine Loake, run ning and their tenth minute when number picked up the ball at the

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back of the scrum and spread it to Kate Johnson, who evaded the Essex defence to score.

Player of the match Rachel Cooling was at the heart of UEA's play throughout the first period, displaying intelligent running and lightning acceleration.

Dictating Having only narrowly beaten Essex last season UEA were pleased to go into the break in the lead and dictating the game.

Following their half time pep talk UEA decided to employ the tactic of exploiting the weakness of the visitors ' centres and unimpressive rucking.

UEA steal P-Oint with late goal U.I.h=t.i!i

Men 's firsts 1 - 1 UCN

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By MARK EDWARDS GRAEME BYRNE' S crashing volley in the dying minutes of a tensely fought clash with University College Nene won the Men 's Firsts a vital point in their BUSA campaign , wh ich could help them qualify for the Shield.

Both teams were rorced to battle ha rd aga inst the eleme nts. as stron g wincb made it impm.sible to play tlowing. pas-.ing root ball in last Wednesday\ match.

Ne ne began the firM half brightly, and. with the wmd in their f<l\our. they forced UEA to defend for the majority of the half.

Inevitable lt seemed me\ itablc that enc would take the lead as CEA endured wave after wave of attack. yet the defence managed to hold them hac~ t1me afte r t11ne. part1cularl} than ks to the e\cept1onal sweeper. Cia\ in Re id. !..:ventually Nenc managed to se11e the 1111t1ati\e wnh a erad.mg goal wh1ch \\as worth) of the Premiership.

The left· footed strike from 30 yards left the goalkeeper w1th no chance as il hunled into the top corner. :-.lene continued to pile on the prcs~urc and dc~crvcd to gLl tl

second hefore the break. lli"0~1ng a conqant th reat around EA'' penalty box.

Th e home side were gratefu l for the v\h istle. and even more grateful for the wind advantage in the second half when the game tumed on its head.

Nene fared no better against the gust} conditions and were unahlc to clear the hall from thc1r own half as every hall ur A played seemed to pose danger.

Resilience Even though UEA were applying the pre"urc they could still not manage to break past the Ncne defence as the Northamptonshire side showed their resilience and dcfensi\e ability.

As the final whistle drew closer.

UEt\ began to stream fornard 111 a

desperate search for the eq ualiser that they deserved.

But 1t was Byrne who left it to the last to match Nenc 's wonder goal with hi'• own \pectacular effort which !le" past the visitors· keeper.

Initiative Nene were obviously shellshocked h} the goal and began to sn back in the hope of preserving the point. while UFA took the initiati\e and launched a series of last gasp efforts to steal the \ ictory.

But :--Jcne held on for the draw. and ,.fter a balanced match both sides were happ) with the final result.

Firsts Captain. Simon Wilson. said. ·'it was a good performance at the end of a long BUSA league. and I hope that '' e can continue to do well in the Shield knockout stages."

This paid dividends as Johnson scored her second try to double UEA's lead, but celebrations were cut short as flanker Olga Skahov had to retire with a back injury.

Force With replacement Lisa Flippard on the field , UEA picked up the pace and made it 15-0 thanks to a powerful try from Loake.

UEA now had a healthy lead, and the vast majority of play was taking place in the Essex half.

Cruising They were cruising - which made it all the more disappointing when the visitors grabbed a try in

controversial fash ion.

Essex managed to force the ball over the UEA line in what seemed to be an offside position with ten minutes to go.

UEA refused to let Essex back into the game though and widened the gap again with five minutes to go as Maja Sierela burst through to score a fantastic solo try that was duly converted by Lindsay Becke.

Impressive "lt was a really impressive display and we hope to be able to continue our good form in the knockout rounds next year;' said try-scoring UEA captain Catherine Loake.