The event- issue 122- 14th February 2001

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Plus! The tribute act love-off: Barry White vs James Brown Interviewed: Amen, Spandau Ballet, Richard Eyre Well hello, Clarice: monster loving in the movies

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In it

In focus

rzzz.

The latest interviews from the ents'n 'arts front line

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Love fight! James Brown tribute vs Barry White tribute! Who will win our great love-off? Amen Casey Chaos' most extreme(ish) interview ever! Spandau Ballet Tony Hadley speaks! Richard Eyre Ex-head of the National Theatre gives us the back stage treatment

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In-depth features, comments, analyses and gubbins

Die, little box! The Dreamcast's little grey heart is about to stop. We point and laugh . 09 Hannibal Monster love in da movies, plus the all-new Cinefile! 10 C4 the better? Full story on the imminent Channel 4 makeover 11 What women want? Do women really get what they want in Hollywood? 12-13 Starlover! How to pull like a star

In Everything reviewed and prev1ewed for your pleasure

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Music: The Orb ; Talvin Singh ; Terrorvision Film: Emporer's New Groove; Born Romantic Video: L'Humanite; Cherry Falls; Essex Boys Arts: Minotaur new stuff; Rich Hall; Richard Alston TV/Radio: Position Impossible; E for Edge Interactive: Medal of Honour 2; Stinkymeat.com

Event

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20-23 The best guide to what's

on in Norwich. Ever.

The Event is published fortnightly by Concrete: PO Box 410, Norwich, NR4 7TB Tel: 01603 250558 Fax: 01603 506822 E-mail: su.concrete@uea.ac.uk Printed by: Eastern Counties Newspapers, St Andrew's Business Park, Norwich

ou know those T-shirts with no sleeves that are often sported by Westl1fe and A1? Where do you buy them? They're absent from any clothes shop I've ever frequented. I had come to the conclusion that perhaps they were located in secret boutiques, accessible only to those who ca rry a swipe card which states that they are a member of a boy band or one of the bar staff at Chandler's . Imagine my surprise, therefore. in tu ning in to ITV to discover a whole swarm of shiny-faced, dentally immac ul ate youths auditioning to be 'popstarz·, clad in the aforesaid garments, and all singing their little hearts out in the hope of becoming the new S Club, er, Five. Imagine my lack of surprise in discovering that they were all so highly strung they would burst into tears at the news of their failure - of other people's failure, for crying out loud- to advance to the next stage of auditions. Great Caesar's Ghost, where do these people actually come from? Are they mass-produced in some secret factory, made to order whenever the cry goes up for a new Take That, or whenever Hollyoaks needs a new character? So what's it all about, then? A brief synopsis: two men and a woman have been set the task of auditioning thousands of pop wannabes with the ultimate goal of setting up a five-piece boy ;girl band, who will then go on to dominate the charts for a week or so, before splitting up and being cast into the eternal pit of pop nostalgia , doomed to one day appear on Top Of The Pops 2 to universal disinterest. And my, the fun these young scamps have! They laugh! They cry! They dance! And they annoy me so much I am forced to break my own toes with the remote control as a distraction. There are, however, notable high points, the best be ing the arrival of Darius, a pony-tailed, goateebearded ponce who is eventually shown tile door for overdoing his rend1tion of the Spears classic

"They laugh! They cry! They dance! And they annoy me so much I am forced to break my own toes with the remote control as a distraction." Baby One More Time . The other contestants, failing inexplicably to roll around helpless with m1rth at the hapless goon's m1sfortune, begin to cry unashamedly, until he reaffirms the1r faith in eventual superstardom, stating: 'come on guys, I mean, like, how much love IS there in this room?' 'Get a proper job and a haircut!· I cry from the safety of my sofa. Bastard. All this high emotion sends me reelmg. These people are supposed to be British, for God's sake. They should accept the1r failure with stiff handshakes and equally stiff upper lips. Did thousands lay down their lives on the Western Front so that grown men cou ld cry because someone didn't like their singing? I don't have a problem with manufactured pop music - indeed, a lot of it is rather jolly - it's JUSt the pop stars that I can't stand, with their ol1ve complexions and improbably angled haircuts. dancing 1n perfect synchronicity whilst millions of prepubescent g1rls scream for the1r underwear. I just can't bnng myself to accept that the Almighty would have been so cruel to the rest of us as to fash1on anybody so wondrously fa1r. lt IS our duty then, dear friends, to name and shame people thiS attractive, this perfect. Don't let them get away with it. Hunt them down and put sand 1n the1r mo1stunser. That ' // learn ·em. Ed W/11/amson

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ive Talking What's the closest you have come to being famous?

"I nearly killed the drummer from Cast with a convoy of trolleys when I worked 1n Sainsbury's. Unfortunately, he survived." Tom Weatterley HIS 2 "I was going to be on an Angl1a TV show called Looking for Love. but I got axed the other day when I tried to get off witll the producer." Anna McGinn HIS 3 ''I've been seen by thousands on a bus stop - on a poster for Breast Cancer Awareness." Holly Whitehead MGT 2 "I was a contestant on 15-1. I got past the first round! " John Sappia DEV2 "Er~ .... my ankles were in the camera pan in Trisha, does that count?" Peter Walker DEV2

"I 'm infamous." Sam MGT 2

" I made my popstar debut when I was nine and sang I'm Too Sexy on the Children's Channel. " Mark Champ HIS1. "I once got off w1th somebody who had been on Opportumty Knocks. That's reasonably close 1sn't it?" Brett "In 1994, I was in the family of the week on The Big Breakfast. Gaby Roslin - horrible woman. Sl1e's so false. Robert Gratton HIS 3 "I was on the Wide Awake Club when I was nine. I was shown how to do Scottish dancing. I was crap. Joe Gooden EAS 3 "My hand was on the Colchester Zoo advert, strok1ng a snake." Natalie Biggs LAW 1. "I was on Blue Peter with the Guides when I was 12." Kat Elton LL T 4 Compiled by Llz Hutchinson

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Wednesday, February 14, 2001

Editor · Steve Col/ins • Arts Editor · Jim Whalley • Film Editor · Merek Cooper • Assistant Film Editor · Astrid Goldsmith Music Editor · Elin Jones • Assistant Music Editor · Anthony Lovell • TV/ Game Editor · Markland Starkie • Assistant TV/ Game Editor· Kathryn Hinchliff Listings Editor· Katherine Everitt • DTP · Elin Jones · Adam Ch apman · Steve Col/ins · Nick Henegan · Mark/and Starkie · Merek Cooper · Jim Whalley • Thanks to · All of the above and below • God of the fortnight · Eros Contributors · Chloe Garrett · Kieren McSweeney · Peter Clarke · Ben Cannon · Simon Howarth · Nick Henegan . Erifili Tsavdari · Simon Thornhill · Adam Chapman · Phi/ Colvln · Gemma O'Donnell · Liz Hutchison · Nigel Gosling · Jonathon Rolfe · Chris Haskins ·Amy Harris · Ed Williamson• THANKS again y'all, please come again ...

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1OPsSO ThisValent!day,~!~~!!lng!! an~!!!~ Yes, that's right. This litany of kH:sch is, apparently. UEA students' favourite songs. Ever. You couldn't make this stuff p. ould you ...

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23.

24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34.

35. 36. 37.

38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43.

44. 45. 46. 4 7. 48.

49. 50.

S Club 7 - Reach Chesney Hawkes- The One and Only Billy Joel - Uptown Girl Robble Wllllams - Angels Brltney Spears - Oops I Did lt Again Aha - Take On Me Spandau Ballet - Gold Robble Wllllams - Rock DJ Foundations - Build Me Up Buttercup Limp Blzklt - My Generation Slve - Everybody Get Up Tlffany - I Think We're Alone Blur - Song 2 Kylle - I Should Be So Lucky Madonna - Music PJ and Duncan - Let's Get Ready to Rhumble Brltney Spears - ... Baby One More Time Bloodhound Gang - Bad Touch Destiny 's Child - Independent Woman Weather Girls - it's Raining Men Splller - Groovejet N..Sync - it's Gotta be Me/Bye Bye Bye Bryail Adams - Summer of '69 Ore + Emlnem - Forgot About Ore Take That - Relight My Fire Madison Avenue - Don't Call Me Baby Green Day - Basket Case Wham! - I'm Your Man Toploader - Dancing in the Moonlight Van Morrlson - Brown Eyed Girl Republica - Ready To Go Blur - Country House Bob The Builder - Can We Fix lt? Oasis - Wonderwall Prodigy - Breathe Daft Punk - One More Time The Beatles - Help! Steps - Tragedy MC Hammer - U Can't Touch This Rlcky Martin - Livin La Vida Loca Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit S Club 7 - S Club Party Grease - Summer Lovin' Backstreet Boys - Everybody Madonna - Like A Virgin Take That - Never Forget Wham ! - Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby Placebo - Nancy Boy Coldplay - Yellow

LOVE '-ES$0NS

hands? Using sign language, that is ...

n an age where the anc1ent discourse of courting has been drowned out by the loud and raucous 'pop music' which today's youth gyrate to, the art of chatting-up seems to have fallen by the wayside. Gone are the days when your Grandad would talk the ears off his intended every Sunday at the church youth club, engaging in communion with her mind before even thinking about her ankles. Nowadays loud music and discotheque no1ses have reduced the anc1ent art of the chat-up line to little more than a peremptory grunt and a tongue 1n the nostril at the end of Retro, and many a calamatous coupling has occured owing to a lack of sober. reasoned communication between lovers. But not any more. For with The Event's crashcourse in the sign language of pulling, the language of love may be incorporated into a 'fab' dance routine or 'groovy' hand jive! Just flash a few of these handy little finger movements, and your prospective valentine will be immediately wooed with your dextrous finger wizardy. No longer will you have to rely on outmoded and cumbersome forms of communication such as speaking to articulate your amorous intentions! Now you can let your hands do all the talking! And the best bit is, you can be as rude as you like- just take a look at this lexicon of sauce from the language of the deaf ...

An oft-used phrase at the LCR, rendered completely worthless by alchohol and/or drug consumption. Extend your p1nk1e and index fmgers while curling your thumb around the remaming fingers, in the shape of a moose head. In recent years 1t's been hijacked by faux -satanist teenagers smelling of hay, so you might end up scaring your intended off. Be careful ...

'Cyberspace

Snakes

http://cupid.thespark.com/ If you're one of those terminally shy types forever thwarted in unrequited love. unable to tell that special person just what you feel about them, then Pimpin' Cupid, this little fellow pictured on the left, might just be able to help ycu out. http:/ j cupld.t hespark.com/ isn't exactly an 'oddity' as such, but one of those internet toy things that allows you to tell if your intended really does fancy you or not. • Ah!" I hear you cry, "it's a dat1ng agency, then?" And the answer IS no, dear reader. 'tis not. The way P1mpin' Cupid works IS this: firstly you visit the site, register and list 11 ema11 addresses of people who you fancy. Then the site will send each of those people an emall saying "somebody likes you ... .. , but without g1ving your name. it invites the recipients to register at the site and anonymously list eleven people each who they fancy. Then, if it turns out that somebody who you like feels the same way , both parties recieves an email revealing the1r feelings! So if Valentine's 1s 1ook1ng a lil' bit dry th1s year. why not log on. log in and {hopefully) cop off! Your love life will thank you for it.

Whales, when feeling amorous, will often indulge in spectacular m1d-air sex. launching themselves from the water and colliding together. Both penetration and ejaculation are achieved in this brief, instant moment of joy, before both beasts swim into the blue beyond, no strings attached.

Foxes Foxes have extraordinanly long lovemaking sessions, largely because Basil has barbs in his soldier which open out l1ke an umbrella on penetration, restncting withdrawal. No twominute wonders amongst the orange folk, then.

Ducks Lady ducks will often take their pleasure from multiple lovers in one rampant, quacking sess1on. In the pursuit of fulfilling her sordid desires, Jemima Puddleduck Will rav1sh up to 10 Donalds!

Rabbits Well, they're at 1t like. erm ... rabbits. really, aren't they?

One for the boys: alert your intended to the presence of your throbbing pocket rocket. Lubricated by copious amounts of LCR moonshine. the mere sight of gyrating ladies precariously skating about on a shallow lake of spilt beer and general detritus has swelled your mangristle to mammoth proportions. Simply raise your arm to communicate your warm feelings.

3. 'Let's go to bed'

5. 'Let's swap mates'

In the cold light of the burger van, don 't you think that it might be time to concede that your judgement may have been a tad affected by 15 pints of lager and that babycham chasel? Don't fear , it's not too late. Casually grind coffee agadoo stylee in the d1rect1on of your best friend and offload the heinous munter in seconds flat. But be warned: 1f your pull catches you doing this they might not be too chuffed. Then agam they might be ...

it's the most difficult question to utter verbally, but with the help of s1gn language 1t becomes but a simple meeting of fingers! Entice your beloved to bed by movmg the extended 1ndex and forefingers of each hand towards each other. thus 'putting them to bed'. What lady or gent could possibly resist this elegant move? Just don't allow your finger-lovers to get carried away and enact any ·rabbit in the hole' gestures for that added bit of realism. lt spoils the myst1que.

WinWinWinWinWinWinWinW!nWinWinWinWinWinWinWinWinWin!!!!

Blaggery Corner!

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Snakes are somet1mes known to have bacchanalian, orgiastic group sex in the interests of making little baby snakes. In a fit of amour, up to thirty will pile in together, twisting into a great big heaving, writhing supersnake of slippery love.

Whales

As if this needed to be articulated in any way at all ... When a bumpin' an a grindin ' down LCR way, indicate your horniness by doing this marvellous move. One particularly effective way of pulling this one off with panache is to imagine you are Venger the one-horned master of darkness off of Dungeons and Dragons. Just remember to refrain from bellowing "I'm going to have you, Uni!" and cackling lots ...

1. 'I love you'

!'w~l ~o~·o,a!a,~poputs~Tn oddl•ty:

fruggery to shame. Just look at these amazing facts ...

4. 'Penis erection'

~~ REMIX COMPETITION ~

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LIALENTINE BAlL Salsa night tickets!

Garage Nation tickets!

Mix Morcheeba!

Yes, the ever-popular salsa night is returning once more to the LCR and you and one lucky partner could be gomg for free! The salsa night takes place thiS month, and has 1n the past been responsible for many a frumpy student magically turning into a snake·hipped latmo. We 've got three pairs of tickets if you answer t hiS:

Friday 16 February sees Garage nation descending upon the LCR, with DJ Luck and MC Neat playing alongside The Bomb Squad, Natralist, Alex Marvelli, Karl 'Tuft Enuff' Brown, MC CKP and one more as yet unknown MC. In the Hive there 's also Drum and Bass from some fellows cheeky enough to call themselves Concrete. The scamps! As usual there 's three pairs of tickets on offer for each of the lucky winners who answers the followmg stupendously stumping stonker of a question:

Ever wanted to prove your skills as a remixer? Fancy getting your work into the hands of DJs up and down the country? Fancy wmning a record contract? Thought so. If you 're a bit n1fty with a PC, come up to the Concrete office and grab a Morcheeba mix CD. Rem1x it, post off your efforts, win a contract easy . As such it's not really our competition , but you can answer this quest1on if you really want:

Q: My garage has got an

Q: Do you 'bang'? And If so, how does one go about 'banging'?

Q: Would you like a record contract?

electric door. Has yours?

Wednesday, February 14, 2001

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the

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We all know that rock stars are insatiable in the nookie department but what about their faithful tribute artists? Nick Henegan put two of them under the spotlight of love ... Alfie: they're rtot just Badly Drawn boy's backing band, you know. lead singer lee Gorton expla:r:s vhy... What 's it all about, A/fie? Who knows reall y! lt all ca me about pretty naturally. Me and I an had a flat togetller and we were writing songs, si nging every night. lt was working, so we went on a mission t o get a ce llo player. it all just kinda evolved from t hat. Do you think Badly Drawn Boy's success has given you a little push? I dunno , lt is good that he is doing well, and people associate us with him , we play toget her and we're on the same label. But we don't want to get too interlocked w 1t11 that scene e1ther . We never set out to get known as Damon's backing band or anyt11ing. You've been grouped in with the NAM (new acoustic movement) scene, how do you feel about this? Yeah. Journalists j ust do it , NME wnters especially. They always feel tile need to get everyone mt o th1s cl1quey little scene, so they can sell 1t you . it's JUSt bullshlt really, you have to be wary of stuff like t11at. Although I thlllk a lot of tile bands that we been clubbed togetl1e1 w1tll. are actually pretty good: Kmgs of Conv1ence: Starsailor and Badly Drawn boy. obviously. We all use acoustic guitars and that's as far as the Similarities go really. There have been rumours of you being booed by Amen fans during the tour, is this true? There's been a few knobheads and there always will be. but we can deal w1th it .

"There's been a few knobheads on the tour and there always will be" You have a strangely titled album out in the near future, can you shed some light on the title? Yeah it's ca lled: If You Happy With, You Need Do Nothing. My denti st cha nged and sent me a let ter and I'm assum ing that I've got an ethnic dentist or whatever, because it was al l m pigeon English. And she'd wrote the letter explaining that my old dentist had left and that she was the replacement. In the middle of the page in big black typeface in capitals it said If you happy with you need do noth ing. What do think about the state of the charts? Yeah, the cha rts are a bit of a mess, but I think t l1at's just going to get worse . The boy bands are a rea l disgrace . Proper bands sl1ou ld have respect for eac h other and unite against the f lng common enemy: West life and Al. Marilyn Manson or Christine Agui/era? That's a pretty tough choice . Err ... I don't rate Christina actually so I'm gonna say Marilyn Manson. I got f-all against pop but I'd listen to Marilyn M anson cuz I ain't heard it, so g ive it a go, eh? Sounds shit from what I've heard but there must be summat th ere . y'know? What 's your favourite album? At the present time I wi ll have to say Jim O' Rourke, Eureka. And maybe the Sea and Cake. Oui. Merek Cooper

'The Godfatha'

'Barry White' ou can't open a magazine these days without reading of some popstar or other's feats of sexual endurance. Whether it's some appalli ng story about Robbi e Williams or Christina Aguile ra. it seems that popst ers these days are at it like rabbits on viagra-flavoured carrots . The antics of t hese young bucks, however. pales into insignificance whe n compared with the behaviour of their chart-topping predecessors. As a mark of respect to these old hats of musical loving, Th e Event dec ided to test the prowess of tribute acts to some of the most renowned lovers in the business. For our unique love-off, we chose The Godfatha, a tribute to the screammg sex machme James Brown , and Barry White. a homage to the portly kmg of love, both of whom are coming soon to tile LCR .

The Walrus of Love 1. Who or what is your first last and everything?

2. How would you go about wooing a woman? 3. What's the most romantic thing you've ever done?

4. Have you ever pulled a groupie?

5. Strangest place you've ever had sex? 6. What IS your g reatest chat -up l1ne? 7. What 's the craziest thing you've ever done to impress a woman?

8. Have you ever fancied a mate 's girlfriend?

9. Have you ever performed a strip tease for a special lady?

10. What's the bigg est disaster you've ever had in tl1e love department?

"Gee whiz, that's a hard one. There 's no one at the moment but I' d say someone like Maureen. a very good friend of mine." Marks out of ten: 7 "Wel l I'd do something very seductive and, you know, send her some nice flowers. Hmmm . Ask her out for a meal or somethmg , a n1ce walk, a chat. " - 9 " Gosh, oooh! The time I wrote a letter to the Queen, I think. I told her I was a Boy Scout on the island where I was born. Her lady in waiting replied and said that the Queen enjoyed her letter very much . She also said that the Queen hopes that I would correspond again. I haven't written back yet though and that was back in '85. "- 6 "Gosll . there 's so many but there was th1 s one that happened recentl y that I 'I I tell you about. I came off stage and there was t11is girl waiting for me at my dress111g room door . I had my wet towel on and I was, you know, saturated and she asked me for my towel. She said, "Can I have it ?" And I just had to release it because she was grabbing at it. And we had an encounter tl1at n1ght." 10 "Mmmm, wow. In a car in Swiss Cottage. I was coming back from a recording studio."- 5 "For my best chat up line I would say something like , 'Oh gosl1 baby, you're a living doll al right , with angel eyes .... - 10 " Let's see. Well I've done some crazy things in my time. There was this time when I was doing a charity bike ride and I saw this chick and I t hought Mmmm. So I pretended to fall into the hedge and she came and helped me out. I worked very well , I got a date out of it." - 10 "No , 1t's a policy that I don 't agree with. My dad warned me against it . He said to pull a mate's woman is too dangerous. I think he was a bit of a Romeo so. you k now. I always watch that one, it' s deadly." - 8 " Yes I have but it was some time ago and I didn 't go the full way. Not the Full Monty, just a Half Monty. Oh yeah , she was crying out for more, oh man. Hmm, Oh Christ yeah, she wanted me to go all the way but I wasn't up for it." - 8 "011, thi s girl st ood me up once. Sl1e was a Brazilian chick, a model and we were supposed to have a date. And, you know I was God damn sure, I thought I had this chick going man. But the chic k never showed up and I was left stand ing in Leicest er Square for hours. I never saw her again." - 6 GRAND TOTAL: 79

The Sex Machine 1 . Who or what is your first last and everything? 2. How would you go about wooing a woman? 3. Most romantic thing you ' ve ever done? 4. Have you ever pull ed a groupie? 5. What is the strangest place you have ever had sex? 6. What is your greatest chat-up line? 7. What' s the craziest thing you 've ever done to impress a woman? 8. Have you ever fanc ied a mate's girlfriend? 9. Have you ever performed a strip tease for a special lady? 10. Wh at ·s the biggest disaster you 've ever had in the love department?

" Plenty of good funky music. I just can 't live without it. " Marks out of ten: 4 "it would take longer than this interv1ew to tell yo u that. But if I 11ad to say one thing it would be to treat her real. Keep it real!" - 7 " I'd say that was the time that I spread rose petals over the bed just before making love. " - 9 "Yeah, it's happened several times but t here are none t hat I'd particularly want to mention ."- 7 "Outside in somebody's back yard would have to go down as one. And there was also the time I had sex outside the museum in town. " - 6 " I'd say, 'Would you like to see my glasses.' You know , the glasses th at I wear. " - 2 '' Well , I guess it was the time I had a girl go down on me while I was playing the saxophone. " -10

" I've fancied many of my mate's girlfriends but I've never stepped over the line and actually pulled them. I've got too much loyalty I guess ."- 8 " I've never done a strip tease as such but I have been in a strip club where I was a waiter and I had to wear just a thong. So I suppose that 's the nearest I've got to doing something like that. " - 6 "The biggest disaster would have to be when you fa11 to rise to the occasion - but it's only happened to me once or twice I think." - 5 GRAND TOTAL: 61

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With a fabulous 79 out of 100 The Walrus of Love, Mr Barry White easily romped to victory over the supposed sex machine, James Brown, who only managed to notch up a mediocre 61. Although The Godfatha scored a perfect ten with his tale of a saxophone sex session (which was allegedly designed to impress a lady) , he just couldn't match the 'staying power ' of his heavyweight rival. Yes , Barry managed to reach the pinnacle of naughtiness on many an occasions. Come on. anyone who can pull by falling Into a hedge deserves all the good loving he gets.

Wednesday, February :1.4, 200:1.

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Put on your baggy trousers and burn your rucksacks: hardcore is back and this time it's fashionable! The Event sent Kleren Mcsweeney into the unknown for a chat with Amen 's Casey Chaos to find out more ... 'm just blown away by al l that shit,' confesses Amen's laid-back frontman, when asked about the band's success in this year's Metal Hammer reader's poll. Not only were Amen voted best band but Casey was awarded man of the year, "Event of the year was the Amen UK tour! lt was amazing, man , unbelievable." lt certainly was. Few of us expect ed to see Amen survive the year 2000 with stories of Casey's self mutilation and the band being dropped by US label Roadrunner only six weeks after the release of their debut album. Indeed, Casey's easy going manner makes it difficult to believe he is the same man who hospitalised himself recording it. "A bunch of shit happened while recording that album. I broke a rib in the studio. I was walking around with black eyes because I had busted so many blood vessels from screaming. One night I cut my arm, there was a shelf in there or something and I was bleeding everywhere. Ross came into the studio and was like, 'f-king hell!' The Slipknot guys came in. Sid was bandaging me up and Shawn was sitting there . lt was crazy. We had a lot of problems with the first record . This time we worked in a different studio and did twenty songs in thirty days. lt was way easier and there was no hospital."' Having just completed a sold-out UK tour with Charger and hotly tipped hardcore act Raging Speedhorn, Amen are a band whose first concern is their fans. A fact apparent in the eager recep. tion of their critically acc laimed second album, We Have Come For Your Parents. "America's a bunch of sheep and Europe isn't. In America, people are really into following trends, like that whole nu-metal movement . it's great that those sort of things go off but people can 't accept stuff that 's different. it's really difficult for them. If you look at the history of music over

people like what t hey do, so that's cool." Both of Amen's albums were recorded with producer Ross Robinson, who has worked with some of the biggest names in the nu-metal genre, Slipknot, Korn and Machine Head. Referred to as the sixth member of Amen, he has earnt the band's friendship and respect . " Ross is the best producer in the world because he doesn't care about sound. If you listen to his records theoretical ly a lot of them aren't the best sounding albums but the intent of the music is always there . A lot of producers today like to make sure everything is in key and in tune but for me it 's the imperfections that make a good record. If you listen to Led Zeppelin, Jimmy Page was a rea l sloppy field player but that 's what made him great. "

'' I've

seen Ross work with every band he's recorded and he's different with each of them . With Glass Jaw he really changed a lot, from what I heard of the demo to the fi nal product there was a massive difference . With us he makes sure that we are all playing on point . We recorded t he drums in a room a little bigger than this. There was enough room for the drums to be set up and the band and Ross to stand in it and that was it . We were track ing live and if anyone wasn 't on point he was pushing them against the wall or elbowing them or something . That 's the best thing about Ross. He knows how to get shit out of people. For me, he knows when to say st op so that's a good th ing. " Amen have established a radical reputation through controversial lyrics like 'prayers are porno' and 'get up and set your church on fire ,' but is this a healthy message to put out to disaffected kids? " Erm , yeah . I mean , people can dissect lyrics however they want. People try to blame music

and outsi de influences fo r what t hey do but this is just a crutch. If music actually influenced people to do things, in America, we would have to outlaw pets because the next-door neighbour's

"For me the church can be anything from a place you go to worship God to a bottle of whisky or a girl's pussy." dog told Son of Sam to go and kill. We might as well ban pornography as Ted Bundy went on murdering sprees, raping and pillaging women because of it. Manson is to blame for Columbine along with Iron Maiden and whoever else . I think there are people who do things for shock and people who do things in the name of, for lack of a better term, art . Ours would probably be under the guise of that because if I wanted it to be shocking it would be a lot more offensive than it is! ' [laughs). For me the church can be anything from a place you go to worship God, to a bottle of wh isky or a girl's pussy . Any kind of crutch, that would be a church." Members of the clergy might not be surprised to hear that the pale frontman used to sleep in a coffin. "[Laughs) Oh yeah , when I moved to Cal ifornia I didn't have anything. I threw all my shit in my van and moved from Florida to Cal ifornia , I didn 't have a bed. A friend of ours

' H~e!y;.,~~~~~~~~~==~~~~~~~~~~ was at a flea market, he calls me and €g~o~e;,s·:,2 Chaos, what's up, there's a coffin r down here, eighty dollars, do you want it?' So I j ust got that and slept in it for a couple of months until I got a proper bed. Yeah, it was all right, it was nice and dark . I got used to it because when you sleep through the day it 's f- king bright !"

"I broke a rib in the studio and I was walking around with black eyes because I had busted so many blood vessels from screaming." there, bands like t he Ramones never even toured America for the first four years of their existence because no one really acknowledged them. I think here, people can see through the bullshit a bit better. This NME thing is a good example of that . I mean, I'm signing stuff for kids that are JJ72 fans, they're buying shirts and visa-versa. it's all about the ex posure of great music.·· Amen are an unusual choice to play on the NME tour as the so-called 'alternative' paper rarely spreads its interest beyond the world of commercial rock but Casey is not deterred by this, even if he is a little cynical of tonight's headliners, JJ72. " lt gives people alternatives which is important. If you play a metal show everyone knows what they 're get ting, but this, nobody real ly knows what t o expect. I prefer t hat, it's different ." "I think Starsailor are going to be f-king huge. They've got songs you can't get out of your head and the singer couldn't sing out of key if he wanted to . Alfie are great , they're a cool band. JJ72 are cool, I guess. They're not my type of music per se but they definitely have a fan base and

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Wednesday, February 14, 2001

Sir Richard Eyre was Artistic Director at The National Theatre for over a decade, was behind the damning government report on the National Opera House and recently published his autobiography. Kathryn Hinchliff found him in a rat her nervous state of mind ... ressed 1n an ex pensive black suit. black T shirt and with a bl ack ve lvet scarf w rapped arou nd his neck, the dist inguished Sir Richard Eyre certain ly looks the part of a big ch eese at t he Nat ional Theatre . Here t o promote l1 is autoiJiog ra phy , Utopia and Other Places at the UEA lit erary fest iva l. it soon becomes c lear that. although he may look the part, he fi nds it far more difficult to act it . H1s nerves are bet rayed by t he shakmg of h1s voice. and h1s inability to make eye contact. this is a man either unused to or unhappy wi t h one to one interviews let alone ta lking about h1s life t o an auditorium full of people. S1r Richard would describe the progression of l1i s career as a series of fort unate ac cidents. begi nning wi tll ac t ing on the st age almost st raig ht from sc hool, fa ll ing into direc ting and t hen becoming a write r. Self-conscious about all hi s sucsesses. he doesn't seem to see t11em as the resu lt of

wi th . ·1 wou ld feel fraudulent being here if it wasn't for the fact that these two book s have my name on the front ··. He also describes llis actmg 111 terms of failure, "A cto rs are born not made, it took me many years t o accept th at thi s truism might also be tr ue. I became a profession al ac t or almost like someone in th e ni net eenth century becom1ng a soldier; I didn't seem to be fit t ed for anything else . Anyone can become an actor, all you have t o do is f1nd someone to conspire in your delusion by offering you work ... Trymg hard to make Sir Richard feel more at ease and fa il ing dismally I start off with the obvious, " Why did you dec1de to write you r autobiog raphy?" "Because I was asked t o. I had absolu te ly no thoughts of writing ( unt il) I was approached by a publisher . so I fo und mysel f wr iting it and ac tu ally I found myself wri t ing 1t because my parents had just died and so it was a posthumous way of settling my account w1tll them." Wri ti ng his autobi·

hard work and ski ll, beginning his talki.•••lllll!~..

ography became a cat harti c process for Ric hard, helping him to come to t erms wi t h the difficult relati onship he had with his parents. " I did have quite a painful relationship with my parents an d ce rtainl y when they died it was all unresolved and so in t he wake of t heir death it was very much trying to underst and what t hat relationship had been like because when they are al ive yo u can't get any objec t iv ity about it at al l. " The fi ni shed book cam e as quit e a surprise to him, '' I think I was pleased to discover that the re was somethi ng I c ould do that I hadn't realised I could do , and obv iou sly if you start t o write about your own life the re is a t erri-

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ble danger of sl ipping into th e Bec kh am school of memo ir, isn't there?" As his desc ri p-

HAIR No 7 ST BENEDICTS ST

20% 1603 767854 Wednesday, February 14, 2001

t ion of his grandfather's house in t he book shows the re is ve ry little danger of Richard producing a Beck llamst yle account of ll1s life. "There was an unbreakable rule about fires, they were never to be lit before the first of October or after the first of April. If 1t snow ed on the second of April so be it, you complained at your peril. He never had elect ricity installed, all the lighting was done w1th candles and oil lamps, all cooking was on a large, black open coa lburning range in a k itc hen with a smoked st ained ceil ing . The water was pumped in the garden vi a a wel l inhabited by dead c at s. rats and frogs. I w ish I was exaggerating." ir Ri ch ard Eyre onl y loses his nerves and becomes tru ly animated whe n di sc ussi ng his passion, th e theat re. He left his job as artist ic director of The Nat ional Theatre after ten years, a dec ision he em phasises he doesn 't regret , " I'd done te n years and t hat seemed en ough . it 's a long t ime; it 's a generat ion. lt wa s partl y t hat I t hought someone else shou ld have a go and it's al so th at I feare d I wou ld get bored, and that if I got bored , it wou ld bec ome commonplace ; if it became commo nplace t r. en I wou ldn't do it we ll. lt was a sort of judicious decision to g ive up whilst the going was good." Since leaving h1s j ob. aside from writing. Richard has also presented a BBC2 documentary on British theat re. With more and more American actors ranging from Tom and Nicole to Jerry Hall using British theatre as their ticket to credibi li ty . Sir Ric hard criticises the English ment ality of adoring al l t hings American. " I don't mind if they're good, like Kevin Spacey who was wo nderful in The Iceman Cometh, I.Jut I think it's dismal if they're just using Brit ish Theatre as a form of tounsm. The idea that they can come over here and w1th our colonial ment ality about all th ings American . we can bow dow n in front of them say ing how wonderful, 'how grateful we are. Dary l, to have you ·. I don't think that 's very flattering to t he Briti sh theatre or indeed t o Brit ish audiences. " Another issue th at he feels st rongl y about is el itism in the arts: the fact that bec ause of the pric e of th eatre t icket s only ric h people are able to go t o see a play or an opera on a regul ar basis. His solution would be a two-tie red strat egy : " I 'd describe (the current si tu at ion) as a sort of apartheid that ex ists between people who thin k th at the arts are somet hing that exi st for their enjoyment and en lightenment and the people

"I don't mind if they're good, like Kevin Spacey in The Iceman Cometh, but I think it's dismal if they're just using British Theatre as a form of tourism" who think they're not for them. There's a barrier agamst enjoying the arts. so how do you break that down? I tllink fi rst of all educalion start at pnmary education and make 1t clear that the arts in general should be something that are accessible to everybody and on the other side as with museums make t l1em universa lly accessible and you can't do t11at if your cl1arg ing enormous pnces. All funding to arts organisations is a subsidy to seat pnce so I wou ld JUSt argue that you JUSt broaden tile subsidies so that theatre tickets and concerts are roughly in line with cinema tickets. Then I tllink you're in a pos1tion where cho1ce is made on an equal bas1s ... Although from a middle class family, Sir Ri chard laments t he lack of culture in his upbringing, saying that "TI1ere we re no books 1n the 11ouse except for mi li t ary ll isto ry . I never went to t he theatre or a co nce rt so w11en people tal k about bei ng c ultural ly depriv ed I'm lik e the person 111 the Mont y Python sket ch: ·you had books in your house?' 'well we had t he Reader' s Digest. ... lt would seem Sir Richard Eyre has co me along way since t hen , if only he rea lised it .

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Following Spandau Ballet's triumphant return to the LCR playlist, Anthony Love// spoke to Tony Hadley and found out how to sleep through earthquakes and why Spandau Ballet will never reform. vast crowds and managing to sell out Wembley Arena for six nights in a row. For five lads in their early 20s, the trappings of fame would doubtless have proved irresistable. "You've had a drink or two in your time," I say to Tony. "There must be a few stories". "Oh, absolutely", he replies. Let's talk rock 'n' roll stories.

ony Hadley is a proper pop star. A tall, powerfully built man with a roman nose, your attention is drawn to him the moment you enter the room. He's very amicable, offering me a beer, and tells me that I can ask him anything and he'll talk about it. This proves to be something of an understatement, as I barely have to speak to get him off on a new diatribe. His 'pop star' manner manifests itself as he talks- he is certainly aware of his ability and fame. Despite being tired after six hours on the road from Warrington, where ExSpandau Ballet (himself on vocals, multiinstrumentalist Steve Norman and drummer John Keeble) performed the night before, he is still flattered to learn that the Spandau Ballet classic Gold made number seven in the recent LCR top

50. "You've got to take it as a compliment if people like the music that you did and they're still following you," he says. "I think we have to be careful we don't get too steeped in nostalgia and keep looking back in the past- we're in 2001

Tony Hadley: yesterday.. .

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now. But if people have been bombarded by their parents or older brothers and sisters and end up listening to Spandau Ballet and to my voice then that's good ." Pre-empting my next question, he begins talking about what has made them go back on the road ("This tour's all about having a

"You could put 10 million pounds in a suitcase and say 'that's yours if you reform'. I wouldn't do it." bit of fun. lt 's not promoting anything"), though the real reason is not difficult to draw out. "As everybody knows. we lost the court case (The three members of Ex-Spandau Ballet unsuccessfully sued Spandau guitarist Gary Kemp for writing royalties), which was very unfortunate. There's still some money owed on that. lt was put to us that we should get together as old mates and go out and have a bit of fun for a couple of months, and at the same time pay back some of the money which we owe. There was no easier way of doing it." I'm a little surprised at this- it's refreshing to hear such honesty, especially as most people would have said 'we're doing it for the fans'. I ask if the tour is purely cash motivated. "Every tour anyone ever does is cash motivated," he says. "Anyone who tells you anything else is an absolute liar!" The conversation turns to the possibility of Spandau Ballet reforming. However, Tony is positive that this will not happen. "In terms of my relationship with my former manager (Steve Dagger] and Gary Kemp- never in a million years will I have anything to do with them ever again. There's been some rubbish uttered even recently about us burying the hatchet one day. Forget it. You could put 10 million pounds in a suitcase, tax free, and say 'that's yours if you reform'. I wouldn't do it. I believe you have to stick by your principles at some point in your life and I firmly stick by mine." In their early 80s heyday, Spandau Ballet were one of the biggest bands in the world, playing to

' ' D r u g s are something I've never done", says Tony. "That's the gospel truth. People will find it amazing that I've been 20 years in the business and never taken a line of coke, or speed. I think that drugs are an appalling waste and my view is that there's enough crap that we put in our bodies anyway, booze, fags, just breathing the air that we live in. Why add to it? I also like being in control. I don't like the inevitability of when you take a pill or whatever, there's no turning back. You can't say 'I didn't like that'- it's going to happen. I've never done that.' Despite this disappointing start, things quickly liven up when talk turns to alcohol. Tony is certainly not short of stories here. By way of justification for his very funny behaviour which involves alcohol, he says that 'You do everything you do wind people up when you're on the road, because you get bored." So what about the stories? "Most of them are about falling over. Smashing walnuts over your head in restaurants in front of Italian film producers ... biting the heads off of fishes to wind up the record company girls ... jumping over cars ... trying to walk around the second floor ledge of a hotel- suicidal! Trying to wake me up - everybody and his dog has put me to bed at some point in my life, and everybody and his dog has tried to wake me up. Not too successfully, because when I'm asleep that's it. I've slept through fire alarms, earthquakes ... " Hang on- did he just say he had slept through an

earthquake? "Yeah, seriously," he says. "lt was in Tokyo. I woke up in the morning and all the pictures were wobbly, things smashed on the floor. I thought 'F-k me, what's going on?', and I went into the corridor, and all the pictures and ornaments were smashed. I'm like 'whoah, what's going on here?' I went downstairs and asked what had happened, and the staff said 'what do you mean 'What's happened?' There's been an earthquake!"' Thankfully for the benefit of his health, Tony Hadley has calmed down since Spandau Ballet's peak years. But he has no intention of quitting. "We're still having fun. We've just been to Paris, Tenerife, we're going to Cannes after this tour. Life's not too bad." Later on, as I watch him and the rest of the band run through a selection of Spandau's greatest hits (and somewhat surprisingly a cover of New Romantic rivals Duran Duran's Save A Prayer) in front of an audience primarily comprising of thirtysomethings, it is clear that he has lost none of his enthusiasm for performing. He changes from a suit to leather trousers half way through the show. and shamelessly plays to the women in the audience throughout. He's a real pop star, and music needs personalities like him. That much is true, anyway.

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Sega has recently announced that they will shortly cease production of the Dreamcast, the machine they hoped would save them from disaster. Jim Whal/ey charts their fall from grace ... move has not exactly been made through choiceSega have failed to turn a profit since 1994 and banks only hand out so many billion before they ask for something back. The Dreamcast was Sega's last chance to regain control of a market they dominated in the early nineties with the Megadrive. The successive failures of the Mega CD, 32X and Saturn placed them in a make or break situation. If their new system didn't catch the public's imagination, they were finished. To ensure success company executives made three demands: that the Dreamcast should be well supported, that it should be by far the most powerfu l machine on the market and, most import ant ly, t hat it had to be out at least a year before any other next generation console. And they achieved these goals admirably. Every major game publisher bar Electronic Arts had signed to the console by the time it appeared in Japan in March 1999, a full eighteen months before the Playstation 2. With a 128-bit processor it dwarfed anything else then on sale, both in terms of graphics and sound. Unfortunately, getting to this position meant sacrifices in other areas. Having spent so much on development, less funding could be devoted to advertising. Whereas Sony seemed to publicise the Playstation by making a new commercial every time someone thought of a cool idea, Sega had to be more selective regarding which aspects of the1r mach ine received publicity. Perhaps

obody likes making big decisions, especially when several hundred quid is at stake . Therefore, choosing which games console to buy (which, lets face it, should be pretty high on the average student agenda) is far fr0m easy. lt has already been widely reported that the gaming industry is

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at war at the moment, wit h four major companies fighting for share in a market that last year became more profitable than movies. At present you can pick from the Sega Dreamcast or Sony Playstation2, or elect to wa it for Microsoft's XBox or the Nintendo Gamecube. While in the past more than one console has been able to co-exist (Sega's Megadrive and the Super Nintendo, for ex ample), analysts agree that th is t ime there can only be one winner. Go for the wrong one and you could end up with an extremely ex pensive paperweight: about all games consoles are good for once software publishers stop supporting them. Well , Sega just made the decision much easier, because last week they announced that in one month's ti me they wil l cease product ion of the Dreamcast, after whic h new games will only be available for another year. After that the company will become game manufacturers, releasing titles for former rivals Sony and, in a situation that would have seemed ridiculous a decade ago, eternal enemy Nintendo. Work has already begun on Sonic the Hedgehog Advance fo r the Game Boy Advance, Nintendo's next generation version of the Gameboy, out later this year. For the eight and a half million people who currently own Dreamcasts around the world, the message would appear to be, "sorry, but you chose poorly, " to paraphrase the knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. For Sega it is the end of an era. Despite claims that this move will allow the company to 'do what it does best. namely make computer games,路 few - apart from Sega路s ri va ls- w il l be happy with this development. After all, the

Wednesday,February 14, 2001

"The Dreamcast was Sega's last chance to regain control of a market they dominated in the early nineties with the Megadrive." questionably , they plumped for Dreamcast 's internet functions and 'brand awareness'. Therefore, rather than actually showing people what the system could do, adverts instead displayed the swirly blue logo and ranted on about the possibil ity of 'up to six billion players', despite the fact that no internet games were available for tile console's first year. Doh. This worked fine in America, a country that has always loved Sega, but Europe and Japan were somewhat more sceptical. Dreamcast set launch records in all three territories, but sales in the latter two quickly dropped, particularly in Japan, the area where success is most crucial. t seems that Sega were never able to overcome the combined obstacles of their previous failures and the st rength of the alm ighty Playstation. Even before the announcement of surrender, developers had begun

to 'scale-down路 (also known as 'desert') the system, shifting their allegiance to Playstation 2, a guaranteed success, though one that is difficult to programme for and, currently, without an internet option . Yet t his is not to say the Dreamcast was an utter disaster. Far from it . In every area other than sales it has done brilliantly. Right from the beginning it had a wide range of first-rate titles including Sonic Adventure,

llShenmue essentially

gives the player another life, albeit a more interesting life" Powerstone and The House of the Dead 2. These were soon joined by Soul Calibur, thought by many to be the greatest fighting game ever made. Since then Sega have continued to release genuinely amazing games, which receive great reviews and are subsequently bought by no one. Crazy Taxi, Ecco the Dolphin and Jet Set Radio are all superlative software featuring revolutionary graphics and gameplay that have hardly bothered the sales chart. Were any of them released on any other format, they would no doubt sell millions, on Dreamcast however, they have sunk. Most baffling of all is the fate of Shenmue, Sega路s masterpiece that cost the company $70 mill ion dollars. In production for three years, Shenmue essentially gives the player another life, albeit a more interesting life where your father has been murdered and you keep getting into fights. Nothing on its scale or in its class has ever been made before on any system. So far it has sold 600.000 copies, which is fair, but a fract ion of what it deserves. Whether you enj oy fish ing or ro ller-blading around Tokyo; spray-paint ing buildings and being shot at by tanks; or defeating aliens in skimpy uniforms, the Dreamcast had something for everyone. The problem was that nobody knew about it. In years to come the Dreamcast will sound great, especially when the reality of the l>"'m!!I!O!!II"""'...._ mediocre Playstation2 becomes clear. lt was a

seemingly designed to sell about a dozen and create even more debt. all their follies, Sega helped create an entire industry and then almost single-handedly kept it interesting and innovative. They wi ll be . And not just by

__ eve lit

5Cinefile

alentine's Day ma ere

A Bout De Souffle ~----------------01

As Hannibal hits our screens this month Phi/ Colvin explains how director Ridley Scott seems to have moved the roles of Lecter and Clarice Starling on a pace ... endowed the vampire himself with rpore human and sympathetic qualities. Controversial though tinkering with Stoker's novel is, the sheer power of the central love story cannot be denied . Dracula is not a cold·hearted bloodsucking virgin molestor, oh no: according to Franc is ford Coppola, the poor lamb is on a romantic quest for his true love, who just happens to have been reincarnated in the shape of Winona Ryder 's Mina. Horror is not however, the only genre which boasts unnatural on-screen relationships, with both partners implicated and brought together by crime. From Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway in Bonnie and Clyde to Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis in Natural Born Killers, screen couples have indulged in all manner of violence, crime and unlawful activity which can make Hannibal Lecter's choice of pastime seem passe in comparison. What sets all these partnerships

Clarice has a real respect for Lecter, I get a feeling of kindred spirits fall the high profile films being released in the first quarter of the year, surely none can be more eagerly awaited than Ridley Scott's Hannibal and the return of the infamous Dr Lecter from Silence of the Lambs (and, in fact , a much earlier and often forgotten thriller called Manhunter but that's beside the point.) it is a name synonymous with horror fans and movie audiences alike who remember the intense combination of physical horror and mind games between Lecter and trainee FBI agent Clarice Starling which made the film the most talked about of its day. Hannibal's teaser trailer was perhaps one of the must understated in years. A series of written warnings followed by a single clip of actor Anthony Hopkins taken from The Silence of the Lambs. The point is well made. Everyone knows who Hannibal Lecter is. Everyone is scared of him and, supposedly, everyone already knows what to expect from the sequel. Those who read author Thomas Harris' novel published in 1999, though, were in for a surprise. This is certainly not for a lack of horror . the content apparently disturbed Silence of the Lambs director Jonathan Demme so much he passed on the sequel without even seeing a script. Nor due to a deficit of suspense, as a disgraced Agent Starling sets out once again to pursue Lecter who, growing bored with his new life in Italy, is seeking to come out of retirement. The shock comes from the addition of a seemingly perverse twist towards the novel's end in which the two opposing forces of Lecter and Starling became allies and possibly lovers. I should point out here that by saying this I have not spoilt the film . After both director and producer took exception to the more macabre details of the coupling, it was decided that the end of the movie should be changed and be kept a secret. However, despite the high profile rewriting, there is much to suggest that the film has not strayed so far from Harris' vision as we've been led to expect. Perhaps the most prominent change in the sequel is the casting of Julianne Moore as Clarice Starling, replacing Jodie Foster in the role which won her an Oscar. Foster's absence was apparently, like Demme's, due to unhappiness with the novel's violence. However, producer Dino De Laurentiis claimed that Foster was wrong for a Starling "supposed to be near

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40 years old, with a different job, and full of sex appeal." Sex appeal? Whatever happened to the innocence and naivete of the Foster character, struggling to forge a career in a male dominated FBI and solve Lecter's riddles? The suggestion seems to be that by casting Moore the makers are purposefully hinting towards an unholy alliance. lt is a suggestion which Moore herself does not refute: "Ciarice has a real respect for Lecter, what a dangerous person he truly is, so, the courage of her pursuit is even more admirable."

The shock comes from a perverse twist in which Lecter and Starling become allies and possibly lovers This new found respect seems like an about face when compared to the strict sense of morality that Starling once possessed . The ultimate irony of the Silence of the Lambs was, after all, that although Starling was pursuing another serial killer, her true nemesis was actually Lecter himself. He represented the true figure of evil who managed to discover the innermost secrets of Starling before disappearing without a trace. Perversely, though, the development of this curious relationship in Silence of the Lambs suggests that the serial killer and FBI agent are not the polar opposites that one would expect; "There is a parallel between these two beings in that they are both superb practitioners of their businesses and both are lone wolves," argues Ridley Scott, "I get a feeling of kindred spirits." rthermore, Hannibal's interlinking of ove and horror follows a great radition of films which have realised the power of dark collusion . Ever since filmed versions of Bram Stoker's Dracula have endowed the Prince of Darkness with the ability to charm his victims, beauty has been succumbing to the beast. This phenomenon reached its height with Francis Ford Coppola's adaptation, which reinvented the novel as a love story, and

apart, though, is the strength of both participants whom, individually, are capable of being both amoral and genuinely powerful. it's a far cry from the insult on our collective intelligence that are the traditional romantic comedies, which so often trivialise the dynamics of a relationship and lack anything approaching real passion. But what makes such disturbing relationships like Lecter and Starling, or Bonnie and Clyde's credible and still frightening? Perhaps it is the fact that such partnerships are not just restricted to film . The relationships of lan Brady and Myra Hindley and Fred and Rosemary West

Claim to classic status? Very few films can claim to be as influencial as A Bout De Souffle (Breathless). Made in 1960, this film totally reinvented the youth film in one fell swoop and spawned a whole generation of malnour· ished copies. Every fast-paced romantic love story you have ever seen will almost certainly owe a huge debt to this seminal masterpiece. Storyllne1 Michel Poiccard is a petty criminal who harbours an all-consuming obsession with Humphrey Bogart, his movie hero. After he kills a policeman on a country lane, he flees to Paris and moves in with American student Patricia Franchini. As they fall in love, he tries desparately to raise the money for an intended escape to Rome. Directed by whom? Jon Luc Goddard anounced his entry to the medium of cinema with this uber-cool thunderbolt. A critic with the influential Cahiers du Cinema magazine in France, Goddard proved that he could walk it just as good as he talked it with A Bout de Souffle, from then on the world had no choice but to listen. With films like Le Mepris and Alphaville under his belt, Goddard has now become one of the most respected directors of all time, just ask any film student . Any star performances? Absolutely! Jean-Paul Belmondo gives an effortessly swaggering performance as the roguish Michel , a role that has been imitated endlessly ever since. Add to that the angelic presence of Jean Seberg as Patricia and you have got one of the finest exam· pies of chemistry the silver screen has ever seen. Do Say: With his freely roving camera and inventive jumpcuts, Goddard created a fluid cinematic masterpiece. Don't Say: Actually, I preferred the Richard Gere remake. Merek Cooper

continue to fascinate us, providing the . . . . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - . . media with endless miles of newsprint. This fascination with incarcerated maniacs also stretches to the bizarre phenomenon of relatively sane women sending personal letters to real monsters, who currently reside at her majesty's pleasure. Through such correspondence love has frequently blossomed, and it's anyone's guess Highest Hygie e how many real life homicidal maniacs WAY ABOVE ANY LOCAL & will awake in their cell, on Valentine's NATIONAL ENVIRONMENTAL flV.t'TH GuiDEUNES morning, to a bulging sack of little pink cards. A life stranger than fiction? You bet!

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The head of Channel 4, Michael Jackson, has announced plans to organise a restructuring of 4 Productions, including the addition of several new channels. Kathryn Hinchliff investigates ... E4? Well , th is latest structural reorganisation will be the most daring since the channel was first launched in 1982 as a public service broadcaster. The plan is to create a new strand titled Four Ventures Lim ited that will take control of new divisions, such as E4. With separate budgets it will be able to branch out with different partners. At the moment ten new channels will come under Four Ventures, including E4; a documentary channel ; all Film Four channels; an interactive channe l and Sport on Four. A separate but related division will be in charge of joint enterprises such as a racing and betting channel, projected for 2002 and Slam.com, a teen site owned half-and-half with Emap. The reason for this development, which will take place in April coincid ing with the annual report , is as Jackson

"lt's a natural response to a changing world where a single channel strategy is no longer appropriate ... it's a natural evolution." - Michael Jackson ou know when the Daily Mail starts to praise something it 's surely time to make some changes. Last week they did just that and came out in support of what only a few years ago they were terming depraved and crude: yes, that stalwart of British te levision, Channel Four. Although probably not the reason for the recent announcement from Michael Jackson, head of Channel Four, that he w il l be splitting the channel into two, it seems to be as good a motive as any . The Daily M ail's turnaround is most ly the result of Jackson's rule and the absence of his predecessor whom (pu lling no punches) they used to refer to as " Pornographer in Ch ief" (oh, the astounding wit!) . The reason for declaring their new all egiance now (presumably a one way adm iration), is Michael Portil lo's announcement of plans to privatise the channel in question, although thi s isn't exactly likely whilst Labour is still in power. Under Jackson the channel seems to have taken a turn for the better. or at least that is the opinion of Middle England's most vocal voice. Yet few would disagree , programmes suc h as Friends, ER, and Big Brother have been hugely popular without

Jackson's parental guidance , whilst alongside these audience pulling smash hits they have continued to run interesting and informative documentaries. Their coverage of tile Kumbh Me/a was high lighted by the Mai l's Max Davidson as a particu larly good example as was their medical series discussing embarrassing illnesses. An ex TV critic , Davidson describes Four as "the chan-

"This latest structural reorganisation will be the most daring since the channel was first launched in 1982" nel of choice for the thinking middle-class; intelligent without being pompous, prov oc at ive without being outrageous , quirky without being infantil e." Hmmmm . So why , with the channel being on suc h an apparent high , are most of their best programmes being moved to the recent ly created

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Wednesday, February 14, 2001

states, "A natural response. much like the BBC's, to a changing world where a single channel strategy is no longer appropriate for our audience or for the market. it's a natural evolution." Jack son likes to put action before bureaucracy , saying "You can announce your huge vision, then the detail comes later." For this reason the exact details of the split are yet to be final ised but they are on the look out for an entrepreneur to head Four Ventures. For those who criticise Jackson for branching out into the world of multi-channel digital te levision, and leaving terrestria l Channel Four an empty shell , stripped of all its best programmes (although apparently the new series of Friends is well worth missing) Jackson cites the figures for Film Four, 415,000 subscribers at ÂŁ5.99 a month. He states th at " some of our critics are our com petitors and they don't part icul arl y want t o see a strong Channel Four." The c rit ics, howeve r, do have a point. As a publ iC serv ice broadcast er, Channel Four is supposed to be comm itted not to profit making but to funding innovat ive and original Bri ti sh programming. The changes t hen are to some degree the result of pressure from t he Independent Television Commissi on, who received several complaints. One such complaint comes from the Chief executive of rival com pany Flex tech/ Telewest. Adam Singer. who says that .. E4 is going t o lose a lot of money in t he st art-u p

period. Why is public money being used to fund a total ly commercial channel? " Jackson 's response to this is that E4 is not stealing talent from Channel Four but is doubling the scope to develop new talent, therefore acting as a public service. Good answer, in theory. Unlike the BBC, which suffered from similar attacks last year when they announced their digital proposals, Four does have one defence which should keep the noise down : although a public service broadcaster they receive no direct fund ing from the general public. Funds are instead accumulated through advertising and sponsorship. n the whole, Channel Four is facing exactly the same problems as all the other mainstream terrestrial channels, in particularly ITV {since it cannot be received digitally , unlike its terrestial competitors), in that more and more people are switching to digital and new channels are springing up all the time. Basically, they are all fighting to keep their positions in an overcrowded marketplace. The way Channel Four defines itself is also changing. Originally, it was looked at in terms of ITV output, its programme requirements stated that it should concentrate on "tastes and interests not catered for by ITV"; now the channel is rated in terms of the entire industry . New commitments will include "innovation, distinctiveness and diversity. " At the moment Channel Four can do no wrong - the only criticisms levelled at their new plans are minor ones. However, the inevitable is bound to happen with the digital age looming darkly upon us, all of terrest1 ial TV's best features will eventually move across and their audiences will no doubt fol low. At least til e new series of Friends and ER are now on E4 whi ch, unlike Sky One, is a free channel to all Sky and Digital view ers apart from the unlucky few who have NTL cable. Awww . The only problem facing Four now is the fact that the Daily Mail has outed them. lt is unlikely that the BBC2 viewers who have switched to Channel 4 in the last five years will be pleased to be associated with the Mail readers. In my opinion, Channel Four should bear this in mind and bring back The Word. That'll get rid of them.

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lt's a question that has baffled men since the dawn of time, and the subject of an infin amount of syrupy movies. As Valentine's Day 2001 approaches, Erifili Tsavdari wonders whether patriarchal Hollywood will ever find the answer. heart shaped objects and, of course, chocolates. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather get something a little more personal from my sweetheart, but unfortunately this has always seemed to stump most men. 'What women want' has been the subject of much discussion for both sexes for many centuries. it's in love songs, movies, literature of every kind and in the gossip of my flat's kitchen. However, most Hollywood movies focus on the perspective of the

The characters just have some friendly conversations, flirt and then declare passionate love for each other

hat women want is not always chocolate, right? But around this time of the year, you walk around any shops and you 're surrounded by thousands of heart-shaped chocolates wrapped in red tinfoil. This apparently represents the festival of Saint Valentine in this country. it's funny how the actual day is named after an ancient monk, but in fact focuses mainly on presents designed to woo the female heart. OK, the boys get their share too, but the most popular gifts are sexy lingerie, cuddly teddies,

male characters. Men are traditionally the hunters, and think of cunning schemes to win the lady. As tacky and cheap as those plans are, women tend to be suckers for them. The characters just have some friendly conversations, they flirt and then declare passionate love without even knowing the small details about each other's personalities. In Sleepless in Seattle, Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks have never even met, but because they happen to like the same type of music, Hanks' son thinks they would be perfect for one another. They have a few difficulties in actually meeting, but when they do they Instantly feel the · magic". Little attention Is given to how the other thinks, and why they react the way they do. Now a new movie with a difference tries to focus on how females think. What Women Want takes a step further into the female psyche by putting the audience in the mind of every woman in the

movie. A man blessed with the ability to understand "Venus-ian"(women-speak) manages to get a big advertising deal, help his female colleagues with their personal problems, and have a passionate night with the tough cookie. All this, because Mel Gibson, after electrocuting himself with a hairdryer finally understands all about sensitivity. Of course, the film doesn't really make any ing revelations. Mel discovers that women do act mainly according to the call of their hearts and less with cold hard logic. lt might have to do wit the maternal instinct and feeling of taking care others that is programed into every woman's genes. But really, the reason why the couple get close in the film is because at least the one of them has made the effort to put himself in the position of the other. lt may sound nice but things are not that easy to explain. 'What women want' is a question that can't be answered completely, even by women, but that goes for men as well. None of us has a clue about what we are looking for - we are in a constant search of self-understanding. The funny thing is that even when we manage to accom· plish our goals, satisfaction doesn't always follow and this is simply human nature. Both sexes may nag and blame one another for acting strangely, but it just takes a bit of listening to understand where each other are coming from. You don't need to electrocute yourself with a hairdryer to get it, you just need to know that the heart is some mystical entity. So to hell with all the fuzzy hearts that have taken over most of the shelves of the shops. Hearts in reality look nothing like that. They are just a messy muscle pumping blood. lt's the soul that leaps at the sight of the one that causes not to sleep at night. So if you're not Mel Gibson, don't panic, just start listening.

Who are they then?

Front man Joe Strummer (or as his mother knows him John Graham Melior) on vocals and guitar, Mick Jones on guitar Paul Simonon on bass, completed by Topper Headon on drums, the Clash were possibly England's most important ever punk band. What, even more Important than the Sex Pistols?

The Clash had better songs, but still the same punk aggression that the 'pistols had, further more they managed to produce 6 real albums (The Clash (1977), Give 'em enough rope (1978), London calling {1979), SBndista! (1981) Combat rock (1982) and finally in 1985 Cut the crap) to Jonny Rotton·s crew's one (Never mind the Bollocks) through which they took punk to new levels inspiring the whole of the modern scene. 61111 Which do I buy?

Punk purists would urge you to buy the eponymous first album, but for those fans of modern Greenday, and Blink 182-style punk check out the over produced and critically under-claimed Give 'Em Enough Rope. They're classic although remains London Calling, originally spanning over two 12 inches (sold at the price of a normal LP) but now fits on one CD. This album shows the diversity of the Clash's sound at the height of their career. it's probably best though unless you are a complete fan to stay away from their latter albums, the three disk SBndista! and especially Combat rock and Cut the crap. Through which the recording of these albums the band were collapsing (Mick Jones was fired in 1983), along with Joe Strummer insisting on trying to create even more diverse punk sounds moving into the rap, dance and pop worlds, these albums are hardly the Clash at their finest. Sell many records, then?

Bar the ill fated Cut the Crap which peaked at 88 all the Clash albums were top 20. The best position they ever reached was the number two spot with both Give 'em enough rope and Combat Rock the latter which included the number one single Should I stay or should I go famously used In a Levi's ad. However in an effort to make sure people knew they weren't in it for the money the 2 disc London's Burning and the 3 disc Sandista both sold for the price ·of a normal LP.

Just like Tom en~· blues

Where a re they now?

Joe strummer is still touring and recording, playing both new songs and clash favourites with his band Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros. Mick Jones is still creating Punk mayhem working hard with his band Big audio dynamite (BAD) through which he has produced 10 albums since 1985. Their last album was F·Punk in 1995, but a greatest hits was released in 1999. The other members are living a less hectic life style, however can often be seen doing interviews for Clash documentaries!

Oh, the strains of the movie star lifestyle: shooting In far flung locations, loads of money, and the cause of Tom and Nicole's split. Astrld Goldsmith thinks not. uess what? Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman · aka Mr and Mrs Hollywood - have split up after 11 years of marriage! Oh... you knew about it? it's all over the papers and television? Oh right. But then I suppose it would be, wouldn't it? The biggest news to hit Tinseltown (and then the rest of the world) since... oooh, I dunno... Meg Ryan and Dennls Quaid broke up? lt is hardly surprising that the whole world know about the disintegration of one couple's marriage the day after it happened, what with the press gossip machines permanently baying for blood and a mil· lion and one budget daytime tv programmes dedicated to revealing celebrities' innermost secrets. But when the Guardian features a two-page article on the split, you have to wonder what Tom'n'Nic ever did that was so important. For starters, they have to hold the record for the highest amount of couple films made. Whereas Catherine and Michaei have limited themselves to one (so far), the Cruises have proved themselves masters of self-indulgence. We will forgive them Days of Thunder, the early 90s racing drama, because it was made just as they got together. This was a very apt first couple film - Nicole

starts by being wary of Tom's arrogance and success on the track, but they manage to break the barriers down and unite in the end to start a relationship. The tabloids were pleased enough when they matched their on-screen romance with marriage off-screen, but this was just the beginning. Not so easily forgivable is Far and Away, the tale of a struggling nineteenth century Irish couple, who throw caution and potatoes to the wind, and head for America to make their fortune. And struggle lots. Not only was this an incredibly rubbish film ·with the worst Oirish accent ever from Mr Cruise- it was also a blatant attempt at drawing a parallel between fiction and real life. Like, ooh, the marriage-on-the-rocks/Tom-is-gay rumours can't be true, because look how happily married they are in Far and Awayi Even in the face of all that adversity (read bitter winters where potato crops die for the stony atmosphere of Hollywood towards poor little Tom and Nicole) they manage to pull through. What an analogy. They were just taking the piss when they made Eyes Wide Shut. I don't care if it was Kubrick's last film, I don't care how critically acclaimed it was, it was still their third movie together as a

l•lili couple. And last, hopefully. How appropriate, therefore, that it was about an apparently ha[mil·~ • married, rich, successful couple, whose marriage is on the rocks. The reasons behind the real-life break are being kept from the public (we were only given a very neutral "work pressures" from their publicity), but if we keep playing the paral· lels game, a much darker truth emerges. Apparently, Nicole fantasises about shagging sailors, while Tom enjoys going to masked orgies and seducing prostitutes. Hmm, not good signs for their marriage. Perhaps they should have chosen their parts a little more wisely ...

Wednesday, February 14, 2001

Every year, Valentine's Day comes along to show us just how far removed real romance is from that displayed on stage and screen. But as Steve Col/ins, Elin Jones and Nick Henegan demonstrate, showbiz lovin' is available to all ...

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Pull like a Remember that bit in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when Harrison Ford finally gives Kate Capshaw a good snogging after he uses his trusty whip to pull her towards him? Well, the key to this move is judging distance and height. A mistake in either could be fatal. A crack of the whip in the wrong direction and you pull that fat bloke at the bar towards you and if you flail too far north there's a danger of taking your beau's head off.

Bit of a tricky one, this. In An Officer and a Gentleman, Richard Gere, dressed in white American naval officers· uniform, picks up his beloved and whisks her off for a night of passion. Sounds simple, dul)nit? But be warned: if this move is to be successfully accomplished two golden rules must be observed: one, make sure she wants to be carried of in the first place, and two, do not drop her. If you do, follow the following course of action:

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In the film Pretty Woman - another Richard Gere flick- a rich suitor (Gere) buys his destitute beloved fabulous gifts such as expensive dresses, jewellery and flowers. Unfortunately none of these are to hand in the LCR and other such love parlours, but you can offer her romantic trinkets such as crisps. Cheese and onion is the flavJur most likely to appeal to the 'good-time girl', but the classier lady will only respond to more upmarket tastes such as prawn cocktail.

1. Assess the situation. Is the lady of your choice within the range of your whip? Are. there people in the way who might object to being nipped on the arse by your flying length? 2. Let fly with your whip (or stringy substitute) and literally pull the girl of your dreams. As she spins towards you, prepare to take her in your arms. 3. Disgard your rope of passion and kiss the girl. Remember to hold her up though: she may be dizzy.

Pull like a

pop god

1. Select your flavour. As a rough guide, black dress = Walkers (or Kettle Chips if you really want to push the boat out); boob tube = Golden Wonder; shell suit= Space Invaders or Monster Munch, any flavour will do. 2. Offer her the packet. If she is sat at a table with friends, rip open packet and place on table. This is the behaviour of a gentleman, and will heighten your chances with her mates. 3. When she's mid snack, go in for the kill.

1. Since the dawn of time, man has engaged in erotic foreplay through the medium of dance. From the very first fireside tooshy wiggle of the stone age to the fully evolved monster of rudery that is the modern bogie, sexual communion has always been presaged by some form of saucy shape-throwing on the gentleman's part. Nowadays, however, the masters of rump-shakery are those we call 'pop stars'. But as this litany of lewdness shows, being a dancefloor sexbomb isn't that hard at all. In fact, the average fellow can do it just as easily himself...

Utter filth. Supposedly the closest thing to sex possible without removing your clothes, this rum little move is ideally suited to slow R&B numbers such as Bump N Grind by R Kelly (pictured doing exactly that, left.) Here's how to do it.

1. Make gu!Mhapes wtth both hands. Make a mean-looking gangsta face. 2. Move both hands In a circular motion, like a sexy love train. 3. Without touching the floor, lower your body downwards by bending your knees. 4. Direct your hospital parts towards your Intended, as If presenting a prize marrow at the village fete. 5. Watch as women are mysteriously drawn towards you! 6 . Fall over. The ladles love that.

In classic Hollywood flick Now Voyager, Bette Davis and eo-star Paul Henreid take part in a bizarre courtship ritual which involves blowing cigarette smoke into each other's faces. Although that was back in 1942 there's no guarantee that this method of pulling won't work today. Just make sure you like to smoke. You're supposed to be sexily blowing, not wreching into his face. And try not to flob, OK?

From Elvis to Ricky Martin. the pelvic thrust has enlivened the loins of generations of sex behemoths. And it's so simple!

The moonwalk 1 . Clear a space on the dancefloor. This one really does need air. 2. Walk backwards, without taking your feet off the ground. But don't shuffle - the trtck Is t o make lt look like you' re walking forwards. 3. Voila! lt's almost as If you really were walking on the moon. You are the sexiest man alive. 4. Fall over.

1. Scope )Ut your quarry. Is he within winking range? Is he looking in your direction? Is it too dark? 2. Close one eye and look sexy. A coy look or a well placed pout could also come in handy here. Just make sure you don't look as if you're having a facial spasm. 3.1f you're wink has the desired effect you'll be snogging the man of your dreams in no time.

1 . Assess the situation. Will your victim respond in kind to your disrobing? If not, try another tack. 2. Remove your clothes, but only those that are not going to get stuck on your head. If you're not too confident, remove something small, like dentures a a plaster if you are wearing one. 3. Go in fa the kill! If all goes to plan, your man will strip In response to your primal mating call. If he doesn't, just act like nothing's happened and go about your business.

Pull like a pop goddess Unes for the ladies The lady's lexicon of pull·speak has for too long suffered from traditional notions of courting etiquette. Patriarchal ideology has for centuries dictated that the gentleman should make most of the advances in the courting game · and even In these enlightened times, many womenfolk would rather leave the gabbing to the chaps. But The Event says 'no longer!': by way of redressing the balance. we sent a young filly out on a mission to find love, armed only with a willing heart and a rudimentary knowledge of rudie pop lyrics... oh, and a few bottles of vodka. The line: "Get out of my dreams, get into my car" • Billy ocean. The victim: Some blonde bloke in the LCR, look·s a bit like Bryan from Westlife. The outcome: The atmosphere at the LCR is hardly conductive to drawn-out conversations so this 80s-inspired love lyric should have been devastating in its simplicity. Sadly, I had not accounted for the depth of simplicity encount ered at the LCR. 'Brian's' response? "Cheers, but I've ordered a cab with Five Star." The line: "Come on over, come on over baby.". Christina Aguilera The victim: Rugby playing type in the Mad Moose. The outcome: I don't know if the overtones of Christina 'white trash' Aguilera helped, or If it was the fact that 1 had drunk my bodyweight In vodka and decided to sing this chat-up line at the top of my voice to the entire pub, but it had surprisingly positive results. After an hour of drinking games 1 had the choice of five likely lads. Of course I declined · even Christina would have had her work cut out with that lot. The line: "When I think about you I touch myself'· The Divinals The victim: Some bloke in the library ... well, I thought he might be bored. The outcome: "Errr, sorry?" Poor lamb. Some people take their work so seriously.

The thrust 1. Clear a space on the dance floor. 2. Anns aloft, wiggle your midriff In a circular motion, as If caught In the orbit of your own genitals. 3. Watch as nearby ladles get sucked In by the gravitational pull of your love planet . 4. Fall over.

In The Graduate, aged temptress Mrs Robinson attempts to lure a young Dustin Hoffmann Into bed via the innovative technique of taking her clothes off and lying in it. Unfortunately, in most modern fora of fornication, beds are somewhat conspicuous by their absence. But don't let this put you off getting nekkid to lure your catch, girls! Willingness to strip is a sign of marrlagabllity · but don't bare all unless your man does too. If he's got something to hide, you probably don't want it.

The bogie

Face it, spacemen are sexy, with their big rockets and floating poo. And now you can be, too!

Wednesday, February 14, 2001

Maralyn Monroe was renowned for her sexy eyework in her movies. Yes, with a wink here and a wink there the sultry siren had the chaps fal ling at her feet. This technique one of the easiest to pull off around campus. All you need is one closed eye and one open one and a bloke with open eyes so he can see what you are up to. Remember though, wink from the eye only. Too much head movement will make you look like Anne Robinson.

Moves for the chaps

1. Assess the situation. Does she want to be picked up? How heavy Is she? Do you know where you are going once you have picked her up? (stopoffs for the loo are not an option) 2. Make the pick-up. One arm behind the legs, one behind the head supporting her. If she topples forward, stick a leg out to break her fall. 3. If she falls, fall with her to detract from her embarassment. This is gentlemanly behaviour.

Pull like a movie heroin

1. Is the fellow you're after a smoker? If not he probably won't appreciate a face full of Marlboro Lights. 2. If the signs are good, ie he's chain smoking like a gOOd'un, sidle over to within blowing distance. flext, exhale in his direction, surroundin6 him in a mushroom cloud of love. 3. Get do\\n to some smokey lovinl Just don't wretch u.p b.!:£._Wn phlegm in the morning. No-nice.

The line: "I'll butter the toast if you lick the knife" • East 17, Deep The victim: A grungy looking fella in the Unthank kitchen. The outcome: "Aha," I thought to myself, "hungover lads. Their defences will be down. I can't fail.· Yes, their defences were down, but so was their comprehension level. "Do I know you?" he asked. "No, but you make me horny horny, horny , horny." I replied with as much of a saucy glint in my eye as I could muster at 8 am. "Are you pissed?" Oh, forget it . The line: "Put your arms around me · what you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful.· · Goo Goo Dolls, Slide The victim: My best friend, in a fit of drunken loved-upness. The outcome: Having failed dismally to turn the tables on the single men of UEA, I realised t hat the only unconditional love that I was likely to get is from my girly friends. lt was then I discovered the best way to pull at the LCR. The combination of two girls making physical contact and alcohol-fuelled hormones inspired the interests of more men than spout ing the entire Barry White back catalogue. Result !

Wednesday, February 14, 2001

The Emperor's New Groove

Directed by: Mark Dindal Featuring the voices of: David Spade, Eartha Kitt and John Goodman

Eschewing the curse of Phll Collins, Disney manage to succeed in delivering a post-modernlsh comedy set In Ancient Egypt. Ok, I know what you're thinking. If you've seen the trailer for the latest Disney fi lm, you'd be certified crazy if you still had any desire to go and see it. The concept is so pre-school, it must be really embarrassing for the marketing people who have to try and sell this movie. The basic concept is the rich, greedy, selfish emperor (boo, bad guy) gets accidentally turned into a talking llama (ho ho, laugh now please) and is forced to team up with the simple, poor, family-guy peasant (hoorah! Good guy!) in order to get his old life back. lt seemed like a choice moment to ridicule Disney. After mercilessly raiding and massacring nearly every culture's history and folklore for the benefit of cute cartoons, they finally come up with an original story (without relying on Pixar and John Toy Story Lassater's genius). lt would be so perfect if The Emperor's New Groove sucked big time. But, fortunately for Disney, and unfortunately for bitter old hacks, it doesn't. it's really, really funny and genuinely imaginative in its devices and plot. lt seems they've taken the lead from the Pixar films, and centred the film around friendship rather than slushy predictable romance. There are no saucer-shaped Bambi eyes or waist-length puffy hair, no gross Phil Collins love songs, no cute animals (not even Disney can make llamas into attractive mammals) and no cliche wedded· bliss ending. In fact, Disney seems to have finally found its

sense of humour. Not only are there some laugh· out-loud one liners, the film also properly takes the piss out of cartoon conventions: the villain is old and haggard and just ridiculously wicked for the sake of it, not camply menacing a la Cruella De Vi I or Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Her sidekick is a lumpen fool with hidden depths· he is a gourmet chef who is more concerned about how his spinach puffs turn out than he is about getting rid of the hero. But the best character is the emperor himself. He is the narrator, who paints himself as the victim, although the screen events show he is far from angelic. He is rude and obnoxious to the ostensible good guy, he repeat· edly goes back on his word and he takes all the credit for everything the peasant does. He also stops the film reel at t imes to comment on the action in true postmodern-stylee. But, you know, this still is a Disney film. So don't go expecting any hard-hitting exposes of modern life, The Insider-sty le. The fact that Disney sets nearly all its films in the more-than-distant past (The Emperor's New Groove is set in ancient Egypt) indicates that the values they .are advocating are maybe a little out-dated and rose-tinted. But hey, it makes you feel good, so who cares? And, just in case you were worrying about it, this is not a musical, OK? Well, there is one song, but it's not a ballad, and it's right at the beginning, and it's a bit rubbish, but not very long so we'll forgive it. As trld Goldsmith

i4 Directed by: Danny Leiner Starring: Ashton Kutcher, seann William SCott, Jennifer Garner, Marla Sokoloff, Krlsty swanson.

"Comedy" In the very loosest sense... so loose In fact that bears stark similarities to a lobotomy.

With the recent surge in gross-out teen comedies, it's become difficult to sort the worthwhile from the totally shit. They can be very good - American Pie, SCary Movie, and Road Trip for example have all become comedy hits. This is a bit of a problem for Dude, Where's My Car? because it is nowhere near the quality of those films. The major problem is that it thinks it is hilarious. The plot follows two 'stoners' (their term, and one repeated every minute or so) who wake up from a monumental head-numbing night out, from which they cannot remember what happened or where they left their car. Not only that but their girlfriends (the Twins) are mad at them for trashing their house in the night and forgetting their anniversary. If that wasn't enough, they seemingly owe $200,000 to a transsexual stripper; the college hardmen want to beat them up; they are contacted by two sets of aliens (two leather bound German men, and a group of women in PVC); plus a bunch of geeks covered in bubblewrap all anxious for them to find a continuum transfunctioner (never explained but it's apparently important). Not your average plot then, but also not your average comedy due to the fact that it is not funny. The best way to explain it is as a combinat ion of Bill and Ted meets Dumb and Dumber in a

more screwball manner. One problem is the casting. Kustcher, who plays Jesse (star of the American series That 70s Show) just doesn't seem dopey enough to be funny in that pathetic way. SCott (Stifler from American Pie) however does his best Jim Carrey impression and has good comic potential. As a buddy movie it seriously misses real chemistry. But the serious problem with the film is the amount otjokes that just miss the spot entirely. From the surreal intra sequence (with ostriches) to the genuinely sick blind children gags, and the usual assortment of breast and body jokes, through to the ridiculous ending, very little actually sticks. That is not to say there are not funny moments. A police interrogation with a fake dummy, the geeks in bubblewrap constantly making popping noises as they move and a fake rap video will definitely make you smile. lt's also a pleasant film that is hard to really, really hate and given a few beers on a Friday night you could quite happily sit through and have a slight chuckle. But don't make a huge effort to see this disappointing film. If it was as funny as it thought its 'way out script' was this would have been an instant cult classic. As it is, it's watchable- but only after a few drinks.

Wednesday, February 14, 2001

Chrls Has ldns

Directed by: Jonathan Glazer Starring: Ray Winstone, Ben Kingsley and Amanda Redman

Directed by: David Kane Starring: Cathering McCormack, Jane Horrocks, Jimi Mistry and Olivia Williams

A British gangster film which manages to avoid the Guy Ritchie mockneylsms of late.

Latest stab at Brltcom fans wen short of the mark... which comes as little surprise to anyone with any sense.

Ok, prepare yourself for broad East-end accents. a few menacing weapons, language that frank ly comes straight from the sewer and a strange recurring 'bunny• nightmare and you'll be ready for the latest 'mob' screening. British gangster films seem to have been experiencing a bit of a boom in the past year or two and sexy Beast will not look out of place on the shelf next to the likes of Snatch and Lock, stock and Two Smoking Barrels. The plot involves a bald-headed, loud-mouthed psychopath called Don Logan (Ben Kingsley), and the bloke he's trying to persuade out of his luxury pad in Spain. He's got a 'job' for him in London and basically Don isn't leaving until he' s got Gary (Ray Winstone) in tow. Of course Gary doesn't want to leave the poolside, drinks, sunshine and his lovely missus for the crappy cold and dismalness that is England and his forgotten past. He is retired. He is retired. His conundrum is this: how do you say 'no thank you' to a bloodthirsty, hard eyed maniac with an unnervingly large vein perpetually sticking out of his temple and who only wants one answer- the one you're not giving? The few. well placed gags come amid scenes of merciless threats andjor violent outbursts, which ensures audience laughter is nervous and shortlived. However it offers a bit of light relief from the excellently disturbing performance given by Kingsley, which is a sharp contrast to his role as the peaceful Ghandi. Don and Gary's arguments range from the kind of mental torture that only the utterly deranged can successfully deliver, to the inane and almost slapstick comedy of 'you will,' 'I won't,' 'you will,' 'I won't.' Director Jonathan Glazer has done well in the visual detail of this film . His quick paced and well-shot scenes really add to the threatening atmosphere, which in turn compliments Kingsley perfectly. The camera work really helps to accent the panic Gary goes through. You may be quick to dismiss another gangster movie that has arrived quickly in the wake of Snatch, but the cockney accents and lengthy, deadpan stares are still used to excellent effect here.

Let' s make a British romantic comedy. First, pluck a recognisable cast from the current crop of successful films and sit-coms. Mix them into the tangled lives and loves of a group of London based social misfits a la This Year's Love. Add a generous helping of both the wordy 'ironic' comedy and visual gags from Notting Hill. Simmer gently for a few months whilst a distributor is found, and serve up with a suitably mushy title. That's Born Romantic. Except it also has salsa dancing in it. Which means it must be an entirely different type of film altogether. Hmmm. Born Romantic is the t raditional story of three couples destined to find love within the space of ninety minutes. lt's always a good ploy to have more than one couple in these films, that way it's possible you'll find at least one to care about. lt could be middle-aged Craig Ferguson and Olivia Williams. Or possibly reunited teen sweethearts David Morrissey and Jane Horrocks. But, with Ferguson and Horrocks' talents slightly wasted in unusually dull roles, it's probably going to be grave-tending Catherine McCormack and petty thief Jimi Mistry. The latter are helped by getting the best share of the script's comic moments, but there aren't as many as you'd hope for. With its very familiar pace, writer and director David Kane could probably have done it all in his sleep. And if the rather drab look of t he London scenery is anything to go by. he probably did. Except for the salsa dancing scenes, which give the film occasional touches of vibrancy. However, it's only a matter oftime before the inevitable occurs and we're subjected to the Full Monty scene as the men learn to dance. Different men, no stripping, but the same gag. And, like most good jokes, it was funnier the first time. Uninspired as it is, the presence of some enjoyable moments means Born Romantic is certainly not the worst of films. it's just another Brit ish romantic comedy, which will inevitably be marketed as the next big thing. But, then: 'The same old thing: with salsal' isn't quite such a good tag for the poster.

Katherlne Everltt

Phll Colvln

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Inspected: Music Talvin Singh

Albums:

Ha I didn't want to put the Talvin Singh album on while writing this review. If I sound pissed off that is because I feel that it would only be fair to at least try to describe just why Ha is so unremittingly dull. Instead of just writing a couple of words. it's shit... I don't enjoy this job. Okay, we'll start by saying that when it says "The Beat Goes On" it doesn't mean in a cool sort of funky All Seeing I type of way; it means the beat goes on. In an Ariston sort of a way. And tht's just for starters ... OK, it was a bit interesting. A bit different, won the prizes- but I'm afraid prizes don't mean points. Unfortunately the follow up just tries to be a follow up. Talvin Singh has no yearning for making music with soul. That you feel, that inside your stomach yearns for more, you want to spread the word, tell the

goddamn milkman and his family. The press release wouldn't fool a deaf, five year old Steps fan into enjoying the light rhythms floating round the head of this 'conceptual thinker, tastemaker and mystic'. "And mystic". Did you get that? Like he's sort of got an Indian sounding name, he's been there a few times, he shoves some sitar noises in there. Hang on, it'll come to me in a minute ... 'mystic'! Mystic Meg, more like. Like the Kama Sutra without the sex. That's a little harsh perhaps seeing as the odd track does stand out, but then you realise that it's just because the rest of the album is so mediocre. And there was me trying to say something nice! No really. 'Uphold' and 'Dubla' are OK but I'm putting Kula Shaker back on ... jokel 路 Slmon Howarth

Amen Too Hard To Be Free Combining metal guitars with a hardcore attitude, Amen are about as subtle as a nuclear explosion in lead bunker. Frontman, Casey Chaos, defies the values of a lifeless society with a vehemence and honesty that would make even the Sex Pistols blanche. Musical terrorism at its finest. Revolt! Kleren Mcsweeney

must never - it was catchy an' all, and I agreed with the sentiment but no, Terrorvision were at their best with How To Make Friends and Influence People and Regular Urban Survivors- fun pop-rock with metal power chords. The new album Good to Go, while far from the standard set in 1993-4, isn't bad- in places it's actually bloody good, if inconsistent. The new single, O'Ya Wanna Go Faster is okay but fairly standard and a couple of songs are just plain ridiculous- on Fists of Fury for example I honestly

song, but they i return cheesy female backing vocals. Goldmine Jamjar is a return to the Terrorvision of old- big guitar with a slightly threatening edge and shouted lyrics, it's great. The best song on the album however is the hidden track at the end of the album- it's brilliantthe Fun Lovin' Criminals with a harder edge and a northern accent, it's even got a mournful ending with piano. it's almost worth buying the album for this song - believe me. The operative word here however is 'almost'- cheesy, anthemic and rocking all at the same time, this album feels like Terrorvision trying to mix their former nature as a rock band who made pop songs with their new status as a pop band that makes some rock songs and while to some extent they are succesful a lot of the time you're left wondering where their spirit has gone.

_____.... At The Drive-in expected five youths to start singing "5,6.7,8!" and for some reason they use female backing vocals Invalid Letter Dept. which make the songs sound like they were made in

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Does anyone actually know why they like At The Drive-In? Having released a belter of a song in One Armed Scissor, the stream of conscious lyrics and samey production of Invalid Litter Dept will have you wondering why you bought this one. The backlash starts here, possibly?

the 80s. However, there are a few standout tracksDays Like These and Goldmine Jamjar included. The former is very much a departure for Terrorvision- a Jov ballad, wave hters in the air kinda

Anthony Lovell

I'm no stranger to Alex Paterson's music, having spent much of the last 6 years in club chill-out rooms, and that's exactly the setting where this album is most appropriate- for relaxing, chilling out and floating away to a beach in paradise or even spinning off into space. The album is an experiment of pure genre-blending from start to end, but the tracks are all beautifully vocal and electronic. The styles within range from Massive Attack style space beats such as the eerie Ghostdancing and Hamlet of Kings to the more uptempo hectic ethnic breakbeats of Promise, with the odd salvo of 1980's electro (such as the short but confusing Firestar) fired into the mix just to shake up those synapses!

The Divine Comedy Love What You Do Perhaps because of their big new recording contract, the new Divine Comedy single isn't nearly as funny as some of their past efforts. it's still very clever (rhyming exercise with exorcise for example) and the melody is infuriatingly addictive, but without the laughs there's just something missing. Jlm Whalley

Starsailor Fever 'Haunting' is the best way to describe fever. it's emotive and dramatic. Initially you're preoccupied with the powerful voice, but one quickly realises how equally talented the rest of the band are. All three tracks are equally strong. If you like jangly guitars and strong melodies, then make buying this single essential! Chloe Garrett

Dido Here With Me Here With Me is the first single to be released from Dido's No Angel album and has already been used over in the US as the theme to Roswe/1 High. And as a contrast to many of the other songs on her album, it is unbelievably dull. She tries very hard to be emotive and heartfelt, but you can't help feeling like she's trying to hard. She would be better off sticking to the American market if this is her best. Chloe Garrett

Belgium is home to some of the best groups in the alternative music scene - dE US, Z ita Swoon, and the Evil Superstars are some of the names, but lately Soulwax have been pumping fantastic grooves into our stereos. Their second album is something between the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion and dEUS. The latest single Conversation Intercom starts with a powerful drumbeat, leading to the chorus. it may seem monotonous but it has that annoying power of sticking in your mind and wander

The opening track Once More is perfectly blissed-out with soothing vocals and is soon to be released as a smgle - featuring a Sasha and Digweed mix - almost certain to pop up on the forthcoming Digweed Global Underground CD- progressive house lovers take note. As expected, the production is absolutely immaculate, whilst still managing to sound as edgy, exciting and raw as a live set in the chill out room of an underground club. The whole concept works incredibly well and will appeal to all lovers of the leftfieldjambientjchilled-out style. If you like Massive Attack, Leftfield, The Cafe del Mar series or Morcheeba's first album, this is for you and will make drift off and lose yourself in deep, deep sound. Ben Cannon

say but it comes out all wrong ... ". What makes the album really interesting is the variety of instruments they have used and the witty lyrics of miscommunicatton. The moment "Much Against..." spins in your CD player you will start to swing with it. Anyone who saw them at the Waterfront when they where supporting for The Wannadies will know what I'm talking about. So there you have it, good beat from a band that dares to go on stage with suits 'n' trainers.

NME Carling Tour

Live Starsailor are the newest band to emerge from the 'New wave of accoustic, introspective music', according to the NME. They open with their debut single Fever and immediately you realise that this is a band that have to be heard live, records won't do justice to the heart-wrenchingly powerful voice of James Walsh. Starsailor's most refreshing feature is their complete lack of arrogance they're best described as humble ... but it's worth remembering that Starsailor are the first band to ever play an NME tour without having even released a single. This alone tells you the strength of their live performance. Alfie are next on and one can't help but notice the singer's striking resemblance to Tim Burgess, and the Manchester style, indie stance and swagger. At first they seem just another indie band, but their folk sound and line-up tncludtng a cellist, flutist, trumpeter and a harmonica player, sets them apart. This combination leads to an unusual, but brilliant sound. Alfie seem to catch

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the audience's attention, probably because their songs are more lighthearted and lively. This, combined with the lead singer's cheeky grin being flashed every other minute, made them a big success. Amen meet a thunderous welcome- it seems like two-thirds of the audience are here to see them. Their performance is tamer than when they were last in the UK (they avoid self-mutilation on stage). However, they still provide a brilliant set. For those of us who aren't up on the 'nu-metal' scene, it is certainly an eye-opening and also comical experience. For the rest of the audience, it is, judging by the extent of headbanging and devil signs, a fantastic performance. They're a great contrast to the first two bands and seem to be a crowd pleaser. Now the last band of the evening, JJ72. They opened their set with that song. You know, the one that everyone knows, but no-one can remember. Well that's how memorable most of

their other songs and their set in general were. One can only assume that JJ72 have received their fame due to a gap in the generally poor music scene in 2000. Having said this the audience love them. In this respect they were good, but don't expect to be able to remember Chloe Garrett their performance in a week.

Wednesday, February 14, 2001 路

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l'Humanite Directed by: Bruno Dumont Starring : Severine Caneele and Ph1lippe Tullier

On its cinematic release , critics were completely divided. Some loved this existential masterpiece, others called it the most boring film ever made. You decide. So many f1lms these days concentrate on takmg the1r aud ience on an entertaining trip, removing them from their grimy mundane life and providing well needed release. L 'Humanite is definitely not one of the se films , it IS very real indeed. Watching L 'Humanite IS very much like standing on a street corner watchmg people as they go by and trymg to p1ece together a story from the ir weary appearance. One can only wonder what tales of loss and despa1r that these peoples路 lives would reveal if you did actually follow them around with a camera. Committmg these pnvate and personal moments to celluloid often allows you to see the real beauty that surrounds us in everyday l1fe. 1f only we weren't too busy to not1ce 1t. As the speed of life accelerates in this modern age. we are given less and less time to sit and muse. so the prospect of watching a two and a half hour film that invites you to do just that now seems an alien concept. Please don't, however, be scared by thiS invitation to think, Bruno Dumont has created a total ly original film that falls way out of step with all its contemporaries. and in so doing totally re-arranges all your preconceptions of what a film can do. L'Humanite is very, very different to what most British audiences wi ll be used to seeing and I have no doubt that this fi lm will not be widely appreciated, but it deserves to be. The easiest comparison to make wou ld be to a wordy novel wh ich one has to read, reread and only then finally begin to understand. L'Humanite could in no way be called wordy .

In fact to adequately describe it one would have to coin the new term imagey. lt thrives on its visua l material; you are time and t ime again presented with arrestmg images of the most familiar sights in a new and vitalising way. L 'Humanite concentrates on tile life of one man Pharoan De Winter. a Detective inspector whose life is thrown into disarray when he is called upon to investigate the brutal rape and murder of an 11year-old girl in his provincial French town. A victim of small town boredom and his own personal loss years previous. Pharoan finds it almost impossible to cope with the confusion and pain that this crime provokes in him. The walls of sanity around Pharoan begin to collapse as he invest1gates the murder. and he smks slowly but surely into a silent depression . His only release from this mner torment is the relationship that he shares with his neighbour, Dommo, a bored blonde factory worker. Understandmg and patient, Domino sees in Pharoan what the whole town has missed; a deeply sensitive and misunderstood human being, To say that this fi lm is hard going. is the understatement of the century, but L 'Humamte's outlook is not as bleak as one would expect. Bruno Dumont has succeeded m makmg a film about real twentyfirst century problems that everyone needs to confront and challenge. Compassionate and forgiving, L'Humanite's stark images and haunting feel will remain in you r head long after the screen fades to bl ack. Merek Cooper

Cherr Falls Directed by: Terry Wlnsor Starring: Sean Bean. Charlie Creed Miles and Alex Kingston

Directed by: David Snyder Sta rri ng: Bruce Wi lliS. Matthew Perry, and Rosanna Arquette

Another sign that the revival of the British film industry rests solely on the ballet dancing boy and sadly not very much else.

Chandler as a dentist and Willis as a hit man? Better than having your teeth pulled out with a rusty set of pliers, but only just...

Essex Boys did not achieve a great deal of suc cess on 1ts cinema re lease last July for two reasons. Firstly. it's controversial subject matter of drug dealing and club-security rackets run by vicious gangs, based on one true event - the professional 'Range-Rover' shooting in 1997 leaving three dead. Also, the fictional club in the film. Blondz, is thought by some to bear simIlarities to a real-life club in Romford which was frequented by Leah Betts and her friends. Female fans who love Sean Bean should not watch the film due solely to his presence 1n it. as the second reason for the film's under-performance in the cinema is probably due to some deeply unpleasant imagery in the film. Although it is not (particularly) graphic, it is disturbing, and as such, isn't the sort of thing I'd take a nice young lady to see on a Saturday night. There are scenes of beatings, shootings, drugs, murder and (brief) sexual violence. much of which is perpetrated by Bean's character- a dangerous villain fresh out of prison, looking to fall stra1ght back in with his (now influential) former gang. He enlists the services of w1t1ess Billy the Whizz (Charlie Creed-Miles) , who gets sucked in (and spat out) of the world of organised cnme and extreme violence. He plays the central role, provides some narration, and is the only character one feels any sympathy for by the end of the film. The plot (and script) is far less dynamic than its closest relative, The Usual Suspects. and less contnved and twisted than Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. However, if these are the sort of f1lms you enJoy, and you can stomach a b1t of violence, there is a good chance you'll enjoy th1s. Needless to say. the plot does have enough pace, excitement and twists to keep interest (and often heart-rate) high through to the end. lt is the sharp and snappy style of direction and photography which made it so enjoyable. Finally. for fans of The Bill, Sunhill's corrupt investigator Dom Beech makes an appearance as Perry Ellls. the foul-mouthed drug-running head of the opposing gang -we always knew he was rotten to the core, didn 't we! Ben Cannon

A contract killer (Willis) moves next door to a dentist (Perry), and very soon the dentist finds himself in Chicago. On his wife's orders he has to find some men to kill the aforementioned new neighbour and thus reap a lot of reward money. Then everyone IS out to kil l everyone else for money but bizarrely a lot of the plotting is done quite amiably between them. Slightly more complicated than you expected right? The good thing about The Whole Nine Yards, though, is that it has a couple of we ll-known names in it and a few good-looking women. This, though, is sad ly where it ends . lt provides an undemanding watch which means you don't have to think a lot to try and dissect the plot or characters, so you can instead sit back and have a chortle every now and then. There's a lot of tongue in cheek wanting-to-kill-people but this gets a bit hard to fol low by the end. Willis' typical reserve and cool is there in force and he manages to pull off the likeable contract killer (that most well known of personality types) quite well. The only thing that might break your concentration when watching Matthew Perry is the repeated chant in the back your head "What's Chandler doing out of the coffee house?" His character, Oz. is the likeable comedy guy, but we've all watched Friends too much not to see a lot of the Chandler mannerisms. This isn't to say his act1ng is bad. it's a bit cheesy at times but not enough to be classed as bad. Perry's character prov1des the f1lm w1th its romantic moments when he finally manages to get away from h1s scheming wife and their ball and chain marriage, and ends up falling in love with the woman of h1s dreams. lt could be easy to turn your nose up at the stupidity and implausibility of it all, but the farcical antics actually do make you guffaw out loud from time to time. The signature timing of certain jokes JUSt go to show why Matthew Perry IS such a sublime com1c actor. all touched w1th moments of genius. it's almost enough to make you forgive Chandler for being a dent1st m Canada for a week. A passable attempt at comedy but not one for serious film fans.

Directed by: Geoffrey Wright Starring: Brittany Murphy, Michael Biehn and Gabriel Mann

The words "the final nail in the horror coffin" have been sorely over-used in recent years ... but if any film has earned them it's this one. If the I Know What You Did Last Summer films were Scream bandwagon-jumpers. the Urban Legend films were piled on top of them, teetering, just about to fall off. That leaves Cherry Falls dragging behind them, on a bit of rope, half a mile down the road, screaming, "Wait for me! Please. wait, I want to join in too!" You see, there's flogging the proverbial horse m an ironic, cheeky way (eg. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer) , and then there's Cherry Falls. The only original thing about this film is the fact that they have inverted one of the conventions of slasher movies . Traditionally, the girls who lose their virginity in the course of the film get punished by getting hacked up by knife-wielding psycho killers. In Scream. this point is referenced in that super-ironic way by Randy, when he IS l1sting the 'rules路 of horror films: "Don't drink. don't take drugs, never have sex." You see, there is a logic in these films. If you sin (which, in the American sense of the word,

means anything fun). you will die . Cherry Falls decides not to respect this dominant logic of the genre and is therefore a bad fil m. In Cherry Falls. girls at the local high school are getting killed in gruesome ways. The li nk is that they are all virgins, and after they die, the word 'virgin' gets carved into their buttocks. Hysteria ensues and the local kids organise a 'popping your cherry' ball, a kind of teenage boy fantasy where all the pretty young virgins beg the guys to deflower them so they will be safe from the murderer. Oh, the comedy. This being Amenca, there are naturally quite a lot of virgins about , but the main target is the main character (of course). the sheriff's daughter, who unearths some nasty dark secrets about the town. Oooh. There were quite a lot of complaints at the release of Cherry Falls. as it is only a 15 certificate and really quite horrifically gory . In addition, its content occasionally verges on the paedophilic, but hey, we're all adults now. Just don't say I didn't warn you. Astrid Goldsmith

Katherine Everltt

Wednesday, February 14, 2001

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Ins ected: Arts

18 Theatre Review: Uneasy silence, which unfolded as we took our seats, prepared the audience for the dark nature of Sam Small's secret revealed in Storytelling. "Are you sitting comfortably?" was an ironic line in the play, partly because of the production's disturbing themes of escape, denial and sexual abuse but also because of Molly's persistence in forcing Sam to confront the truth. Andrea Dyer played the role of M oily to the full, portraying her frustration at her ci rcumstances, blaming Sam for her inability to form relationships but also showing something of the vulnerability resting inside that hard exterior. The Small twins, seemingly unable to let go of their childhood, found refuge from the cruel outside world in their attic where they played as children, revelling in the comfort of storytelling. Daniel Gilmore was fantastic as Sam, particularly towards the end, displaying raw emotion as the horror of his misdemeanour became clear to a shocked audience. A clever

Review:

aspect of the production was manoeuvring of the toys that made up the set to highlight the theme of make believe and a childish avoidance of reality. The lighting, which provided a constant yellow tinge, and a slight headache, put emphasis on a repeated line and concept in the play that, 'yellow is the colour of the sun but also of sickness'. To increase the general confusion amongst the audience about what was real and what was fiction, Gilmore took on the persona of Tony, a boyfriend of Molly. Tony's East End market trader style provided some much-needed light relief. Gilmore's frequent repetitions of 'Sweed heart' and raucous guffawing were genuinely amusing. Not so effective was the general fepetition of themes that let this play down. One went away with a sore arse and battered brain thinking t hat maybe the play could have been condensed and still produced the same effect. An enticing smell of popcorn, at mos p h~ric lighting and the

18 Theatre Review:

The Richard Alston Dance Company Theatre Ro al

Having never seen modern dance before, but loving classical dance for a number of years I was sceptical but at the same time interested as to what to expect from Richard Alston. However, according to his profile he has choreographed both classical ballet and modern dance before starting his own comany in 1994, and the class1cal influences could be seen in the three dances performed. The first, Red Run used music composed by Heiner Goebbels, and was very dark and brash. The deep sound of the tuba in the music resonated throug~ the dancers, and the combination of love stories and development was shown well through the weight sharing undertaken by many of the combinations of men and women. The second dance, Slow Airs Almost All using live strings playing Mozart was a much softer and lighter interpretation . The programme quotes that the dc;mce was 路very much inspired by this quiet but I extraordinary music " , and Alston combined classical movements within the more contemporary to invoke the spirit of the music in a number of duets. The third and final dance (quite possibly the best favourite) was different again, using the music of handel, and the company of ten dancers, sometimes all together and sometimes solos and duets. The dance here flowed with and through the music, and the feeling we were left with was beautiful. When the dancers were moving all together and in combi nations the choreography was fantastic, especially when the company were dancing in

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distant voice of Sigourney Weaver set the scene perfectly for Rhian and Ripley. lt recalled that familiar teenage date at the cinema in all its awkwardness, alongside that other ch ildhood angst, celebrity obsession. Clearly this was a fairly universal theme, as the audience laughed throughout. Harriet Plewis delivered the monologue with verve and animated facial expressions, resulting in a captivating performance. The mention of directors names and other intricacies, though slightly annoying at times, served to show the fanatical interest Rhian had in films and of course contrasted well with the intentionally unenthusiastic retelling of her date from hell, Alan. A witty comedy, tightly written by Ashif Verjee. A small audience greatly appreciated the madcap comedy of Black Boxes and Amber Rooms by Tom Morton-Smith. We were greeted by a Game On style trio: the squeaky-clean suit wearer, the eccentric hypochondriac and t he cynical plain speaking blonde. Although unlike Game On this was entertaining. The series of bizarre conversations that followed provided much amusement and made you consider just how much of our everyday small ta lk consists of nonsensical rubbish. Becks Lowe presented an unhappy, insecure character, Dale Martin played the fact filled executive to great effect whilst Tom Wilton was more than amusing as the peculiar random bloke, breaking pencils with the look of a madman. A bizarre family compromising a gaudy, orange wearing mum, bumbling idiot dad, gothic son contrasted with colourful son also showed how habit could force us to ignore strange occurrences. Great acting ensured that the giggling did not stop, mostly in disbelief at the peculiar happenings. Watching as the characters interacted or rather acted the roles they had got used to playing, you realised how like everyday life thiS weird play really was. L/z Hutchlnson

unison. Although at some points the unison was broken slightly, it was clear that the level of creativity involved would lead to minor indiscrepancies. But these lapses were so minor that they didn 't detract from the enjoyment at all. The costumes were simple but flattering, and the lighting , subtle in the first two dances and striking in the third was used with the dancing to increase the overall effect , as it should . Overall it was a fantastic performance, and as my first experience of Modern Dance, 1t was inspiring. Amy Harrls

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Rich Hall The Pia house Theatre

To win the Perrier Comedy Award, performers require huge reserves of wit and talent, although it certainly doesn't hurt to have a gimmick . In the past Jack Dee, Eddie luard and AI Murray have employed not smiling, cross-dressing and xenophobia respectively to propel themselves to victory. Last year American Rich Hall devised the world beating concept of transforming, three quarters of an hour into his act, into a drunken , red-neck repeat offender from Tennessee and understandably walked away with the prize. But Hall has far more to offer than a brilliant idea, as he repeatedly proved to a capacity crowd at the Playhouse last week. For the first half of the show, Hall delivered an exceptional stand-up routine, freely mixing sharp observational comedy with good-natured attacks on the front row audience. One poor fool attempted humour of his own, responding to Hall's inquiry about his recent ill health with 'I've got herpes'. From that moment on the comic said little without linking it back to his new best friend, Herpes Boy. The prepared material on offer covered the wide range of topics you would expect from someone who splits his time between Britain

and the U.S. Hal l's home state of Montana came in for some harsh criticism (it's so flat that on a good day you can see the back of your own head), but then so did late-night info-mercials and useless science. Even Norwich wasn't safe, with Hall disturbed by a newspaper article that claimed a local man had been found with a private stash of uranium . Then the interval arrived, and proceedings became even more amusing with the arrival of Hall's 'uncle', Otis Lee Crenshaw and his backing group, The Black Liars. Crenshaw- "the only man to steal a car and then keep up the payments"- has had a difficult life, littered with jail time and larceny. Luckily for us he used these experiences as inspiration for a range of heart -felt yet hilarious songs and monologues. After opening with the hastily composed Herpes Boy, the set went from strength to strength with such future classics as prison rape song 'He Almost Looks Like You'. The fantastic evening closed with crowd pleasing Walking in Norwich though, as Crenshaw pointed out, the fol lowing night it would be Walking in Milton l<eynes. Jlm Whalley

Best of the Rest: The Blues Brothers Feb 12- 7 The Theatre Royal

design. Hopefully they'll keep the buckets of blood and attempt Scottish accents.

Over the past ten years five million people have turned out to watch this superb (and official) tribute to the Blues Brothers movies, now on 1ts final tour. If you enjoy the films' music or Dan Ackroyd comedy there is no excuse not to attend .

Macbeth Feb 15-17 UEA Studio Written by some guy called Shakespeare, apparently this play has been kicking around for some time now. Word has it this Drama Society rendition will be far from conventional with impressive set

Jeff Green Feb 27 The Playhouse Theatre Jeff Green has been pedling his cheerful, witty brand of stand-up comedy for a number of years now without ever really hitting the big time. Apart from a few guest appearences on Never Mind the Buzzcocks and They Think it's All Over, his TV exposure has been limited, which is a pity because performing live he is excellent. If you haven't seen him before (he has headlined the freshers comedy night for the past two years), a trip to the Playhouse is certainly recommended.

Wednesday, February 14, 2001 "'

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Essential

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Medal Of Honour... 01:=::;;:::;;Ji!_ _ _m;ak(

Th1s is the second instalment from the Medal of Honour title and has essentially the same format as the first game; a first person shootem up set during the Second World War. This time you take on the role of Manon, a French resistance fighter who is drafted into the OSS (Office of Strategic Services} after the death of her brother. There are seven missions on offer, spanning 24 levels of vintage carnage as you unload 12 different weapons into a new, diverse and viscous enemy line up. The1r weapons now include tanks, halftracks and motorcycles, which are util ised in their devilish attempts to halt your crusade. Some missions require you to co-operate with other agents in tasks such as cracking safes and freeing prisoners. Undercover missions as a photographer also feature and result in hil arious poses by the unsuspecting enemy, as well as the opportunity of dazzling them with the flash in order to swiftly draw a cunningly concealed bazooka. The genius of this game l1es in its immensely addictive qualities. These are created by the s1mple idea that 1n order to succeed. you must shoot and kill every single German that you come into contact with (fantastic for nurturing those xenophobic instincts in you), and t he highest rewa rd is given for doi ng prec isely this. For some strange reason this alone seems to make the game an instant success

(but probably not in Germany}. The background information for each mission includes ac tual archive footage of WW2, which is educational ( no, really! } and adds to the game's sense of real ism. The graphics are clear, smoot h and detai led . Animat ion and artificial intelligence of the enemy are both realistic and amusing (catching a guard off guard whilst having a pee or a fag is not uncommon}. The abili ty to del icately shoot the helmet off a Nazi with a satisfying metallic ring is a real bonus. and the invitation to open fire as t hey helplessly crawl away on maimed limbs is strangely compelling . Well, you are freeing mankind from tyra nny. Or someth ing . As if single handedly winning World War 2 wasn't enough, you can go head to head with a fr iend, in Gotdeneye-stylee. using any of the weapons and costumes you have unlocked during the game. Secret codes can also be earned, which produce some amusing power ups and special features. All-in-all this game lives up to what you would expect from one of Stephen Spielberg ·s creations. lt is easily the best fi rst person shooter available on Playstation and comes highly recommended, as does the first title in the seri es (w hich is out on platinum ar.d the refore cheaper). N/gel Gosling

Playstation: · European Super League

(February 16} · Surf Rocket Racer

( Febru ary 16} ·Grand/a 2

( February 23} · Phantasy Star Online

m Ever wonde red what that packet of minced beef , left at the back of yo ur fri dge aft er it s best-beforeend date, would look like if you didn't not ice the putrid sm ell and left it t here for 3 week s? Well , sel f-proclaimed scient ist an d sl ight ly bored guy, Mahlon Smith, has sacri ficed his ow n sense of smel l t o show exactly that. Just what you've always wa nted to know , I 'm sure. Basically, last summer, our hero decided to see how long he could leave meat rot ting in his neighbour's yard w itho ut his neighbou r not ici ng. All in the name of science, of course. So, he bought some minced beef, a steak. and some hot dogs. and put them on a plate nextdoor. Then, every day, he sneaked into the yard and took a picture of the plate to record its development: and so the website was born. t-·-

( February 23}

The site takes you, day by day , on a to ur of the st ink meat as it conj eals, hardens, cha nges co lour, and becomes infested by thousands of maggots . Ooh! lt al so has a selec t ion oft -shirt s availible w ith t he vari ous st ages of meat decomposit ion on it, so you too can be a proud owner of rotting meat without t he icki ness and the site even has a chat forum so you ca n chatt er wi th similar meat fanatics. In fact, Mah lon received such a big response to his investigation that he is planning to repeat the who le t hing again t his Summer, but this ti me wit h tofu and raw salmon ... mmm , delicious! So, if you have some spare time on your hands- and lets face it, you are a student and therefore, by default, have far more spare time than is thought to be healthy · go and visit Stinkymeat.com . it's grrreat . http://www. thespark .com/health/stinkymeat/

..,,,.., }-· {. .11'·" ·-wt. :-."tt:

One of the great things about computer games is that they allow you to try something out without embarking on a long and possibly life-altering career. So, if any of one out there eve r fancied driving a really big truck but wasn't sure about committing to the massive gut, Sega offer a chance to t ry it ou t. in the fo rm of 18 Wheeler: American Pro Truck er. In the same vein as Crazy Taxi, 18 Wheeler takes an apparent ly mundane profession and removes t he LJOring bits, suc h as speed limi t s and crash damage. The object of the game is to get your cargo to its dest ination before your rival does, and if that means smashing t hem and other vehicles out of the way, so be it. The game is a conversion of the arcade machine that can currently be found in The Hive, and is fa r from complicated. Apa rt from a hast ily added two-player mode, this is identical to the original. After choosing your wagon and driver there are only four levels to t raverse , each wit h a sl ightly more difficult opponent. The makers have t ried to

W~dnesd~y~ F~bruary

14,

inc lude some var iat ion with parking sub-games, but these are more annoying than fun. And to be honest the main sections aren't that much better. The programmers have elected for a peculiar hybrid between simulation and arcade where you ca n blow stuff up without being able to go fast enough to make it wo rt hwhile . The strict time limit also helps to prevent any really satisfying demolition. In fact, once the initial excitement of ramming people of t he road has worn off, the only thing that holds the attent ion is watching the superbly detai led magazines sliding around on the dash board when you turn a corner. Despi te the amusing concept, 18 Wheeler isn't particularly good. Behind the excellent graphics and sound hides a seriously flawed game that is worth a qui d at the arcades, but not the forty pounds requ ired to bring it home. Any budding truckers will have to look elsewhere for their kicks: try hanging around Li ttle Chefs on the M1.

~qo1

Jlm Whal/ey

· Emperor's New Groove

(February 16) · Rnal Fantasy IX

(February 16 } · Ford Racing

( February 16) · Looney Toons Racing

( February 23)

PCCD:

Nintendo 64:

· Army Men - Toy In Space

· Indiana Jones & the Infernal Machine

( February 16} · Buzz Lightyear Action Game

(February 16} · Dark Colony

(February 16}

( March 30) · Scooby Doo! Classic Creepy Capers

( March 30) · Star Wars: Battle for Naboo

( March 30)

the

__ event Essential TV 01:

Inspected: TV/Radio

Position Impossible C4, Wednesday, Feb 14 at 9.00pm

A few nights ago I happened to switch channels from the innocent American teen dramas that I love so much to Channel Four. it was here that I was confronted by many, many, middle-aged, middle-class couples engaging in what can only be described as tantric sex. Yes, tantric sex, the kind of bedroom activity that requires a limber body and a focussed mind. The kind of bedroom activity that Sting and his freeloading muppet wife engage In of an evening. And the results, kids, were filthy. Imagine the worst porno movie ever, without misfired jism and terrible bleach jobs. Imagine a room full of Dot Cottons, Percy Sugdens and M avis Wiltons in M&S twinsets rocking with their loved ones until a series of nasty moans begin to emit from their puckered lips. Imagine your grandparents snagging, and worse still ...go on ... yes! Well suffer on, because I had to endure that for a whole hour to bring you this article. Position Impossible: In Search of the Kama Sutra is the exploration of the ancient Indian book. Sanjeev Bhaskar (of Goodness Gracious Me fame ) is the man with the task of trying to fathom this illicit and gymnastic art. I 'm not entirely sure how he intends to go about this, except maybe by having tantric sex with a great many women. I'm not fussy as long as we don't get any unnecessarily hairy men like the guy from the Joy of Sex books. The trouble with making a documentary about sex is that it'll appeal to two different types of viewer: the educated kind like you or I, who actually care about the origins of the Kama Sutra. Or the meatball uneducated teenage misfits who watch it with their grubby hands down their pants, rather like you or I, really. I am keeping my fingers crossed for an

interview with Sting, though, for his face amuses me and to see it in the throes of ecstasy would amuse me even more. This weeks episode sees our host examining how the Kama Sutra made its way to the West and how the British have reacted to it. When the colonial Brits first arrived to rip the soul out of India they found a world of sexual expertise and knowledge the like of which they had never seen before. Britain, on the other hand, was the land of all-in-one bathing costumes and arranged marriages. When Sir Richard Burton (no, not that Richard Burtonl) arrived in Bombay in 1842 he came across the Kama Sutra and claimed that it caused a sexual awakening within him. Apparently after visiting a prostitute he wrote 路we British never knew this kind of love and lovemaking. Had we not we would not have ruined the lives of so many British virgins." What a thoughtful chap; how nice for the v1rgins. But us women have lothario men like Burton to thank for the quality of our love lives, for it was he that noted "the average Indian woman was neither happy or satisfied with less than 20 minutes," and maybe were it not for him we could still be subjected to 10 minutes toss-offs masquerading as sex. Maybe more people need to watch this show (my ex, are you reading?!). I digress: the show is more unmissable than it is watchable. And you too can learn how to partake in sex of the enlightening variety. You still have a chance to catch Position Impossible before it leaves our screens forever. Go on, give yourself a treat of the Far Eastern kind I Gemma O'Donnell

Hollywood at War Feb 16 at 12.00am This the second programme in Michael Freedland's series on how war affected Hollywood in the 1940s. This week it focuses on the propaganda films that were produced at the outbreak, to help sustain the war effort, and keep up morale. The film makers featured include Vincent Sherman who will be discussing one of his anti nazi films, All Through the Night; the cameraman for In Which We Serve, a British project which set the standard for subsequent propaganda films; and Red Buttons (yes, it's a real name) who will talk about his work on the film Winged Victory. The appeal of war movies for Hollywood is also considered. The setting provided all the elements inherent in a good action film, they were patriotic, of the moment, adventurous and they had a semi-altruistic cause. The role of Hollywood

actresses in the war effort also gets credit. The wife of Gene Kelly, Betsy Blair, did voluntary work in hospitals, as did film star Evelyn Keyes. Another film star, Joan Leslie, preferred doing what she did best, dancing with servicemen at the Hollywood canteen. Less famous Hollywood women, such as screenwriter Cynthia Lindsay, kept herself out of the limelight by sewing pyjamas at the Beverly Hills Hotel. All of which was no doubt fundamental in Britain winning the war. This irHlepth look at Hollywood war films should prove to be very interesting, and if it isn't, in between the interviews with the people involved we will be treated to the nostalgic sounds of songs, such as Don't sit under the Apple tree and White Christmas, which will, er, definitely make it worth a listen. Kathryn Hlnchllff

Oh dear! I seem to have slipped and fallen on your hot, naked, body ...

Essential TV 02: E for Edge is not strictly a proper programme in itself, since it is merely a selection of amusing exceprts from shows that have appeared on Channel Four's new sister channel, E4, over the past week. So, basically, what we're talking about here is a big, fat, half-hour advert for E4. But, this is not necessarily such a bad thing, especially when the programme is as f-kin' funny as this one is. E for Edge runs as a top ten countdown of the funniest and most bizarre bits of the fledgling channel, and since E4 was designed to revolve around the shows that Channel 4 only dare to put on well after night has crept upon us (oh, and Friends, but we'll forgive them for that) due to the fact that they are, like, actually funny and good, or something, then you can imagine that E for Edge is, well, side-splitting stuff. Regulars on

E for Edge at 12.30am

the show include Adam and Joe, of The Adam and Joe Show fame (like, duh!). who, on last week's show, decided that 1940s House was just a bit too old-fashioned for us modern types and set 路 < about creating their own 1980s House, complete ~颅 with neon stripes on the walls; pebble-dash kitchen work surfaces; enforced mullets; and obligatory coke snorting before going to work/school. Rad! Other snippets include Banzai, a trashy Japanese show that quizzes its audience on a range of intellectual subjects. Like, which of the naked girls lined up against the wall has breast implants ... y'know, that sort of thing. Okay, so it probably wont change your life or anything, but E for Edge will make you smile. A lot. Which can't be a bad thing, can it? Mark/and Starkle

Essential Soa Once again, serious illness hits Neighbours this week. On Wednesday, Tim's recovery suffers a major setback when he becomes infected with a virus and then Tad collapses, leaving us to speculate that he will probably be treated by a) Karl b) Dione or c) all of the above. Why is it that every illness contracted by a Ramsay Street resident requires them to be hospitalised on the verge of death? Also this week, Steph, of the incredibly oval mouth (from the Pamela Anderson School of lip liner appliance), is put in an awkward position when her jailed exboyfriend asks her to provide his bail money. Would you trust a prisoner called Larry 'Woody' Woodhouse? I think not. Such naivety must run in the Scully family as an obsessed Flick attempts to win Joel's affection by nothing short of stalking him. Well, it's never worked for me anyway .... ahem. The mindless violence of Chester's Slim-Shady type angry man, Sol Patrick, rears its ugly head

in Ho//yoaks this Wednesday as he torches a car in frustration at Jess' Situation. Unfortunately for us, his moans and groans on the subject of prostitution never quite reach the realms of chart topping gangster rap. Instead we are forced to listen to unrelenting sounds of"geee-naaa, emil-eee, you have to help 'errrr" and watch those scary eyebrows as they knit together, appearing to grow larger and darker the angrier he gets. Scared? You should be. The promise of more geriatric bump and grinding is surely enough to keep anyone tuned into EastEnders in the coming weeks as Ray and Peggy get close in the hive of romantic activity that is the Queen Vie. Making a better couple, size-wise, than with his previous flame, Ray must be relieved to find a woman who is less manly than himself so that he can start to re-assert some of his masculinity stolen by Pat 'more butch than most men' Evans. As long as Peggy remembers Ray's aversion to plastic earrings, this could be a match made in heaven. A little doubtful though, methinks. Uz Hutchlnson

Wednesday, February 14, 200

-----------Eventhorizon: Film

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Essential Film: What Wmnen Want ...ca~pus Film

Bedazzled

Thursday February 15, 8.30pm Yet again, Liz Hurley plays a realistic and convincing role- this time as the Princess of Darkness. Her attempt to be taken as a serious actress sees her don an astonishing amount of disguises such as a nurse, cat woman and traffic cop: all neck high , loose fitting numbers of course. Yeah right. As for plot, the obligatory compute r geek, played by Brendan Foster, sells his soul -,to devil woman Hurley in exchange for seven wishes, but wil l he spend them wisely ... ? Dinosaur

Friday February 16, 8.30pm Scary, ugly dinosaurs that we all know and loathe from school and Bl ue Peter features are magically transformed into cute, doe eyed creatures (i .e. less cuddly versions of Bamb1) in this Disney film. Complete with American accents and moral consciences, these dinosaurs are a far cry from those that roam the Natural History museum . Excellent backgrounds and lack of cheesy soundtrack make this a must see, if only to shake your head at what the next generations perception of _ ,..,,dinosaurs will be and marvel at the endless possibil ities for Happy meal toys and the like.

pace of which ensures exciting viewing. Tralnspottlng

An arty tale of mythical China, this film caused criti cs to exhaust the words 'breathtaking ' and 'magical'. Subtitles.

Tuesday February 27 If you missed this on Channel Four recently you may want spend some cash to watch it next Tuesday in the cosy surroundings of lectu re theatre one. If you have missed this full stop then you should definitely invest, since it has become a nineties classic, the jokes still as funny today as they were five years ago and of course the chance to apprec iate the delights of Ewan Macgregor. Swoon.

Showing at:

City Film

Dlglmon: The Movie

102 Dalmatlons

Style queen Cru ell a De Vi lie, she of the two-tone hair, hatches yet another evil plot to capture ickle puppies. Slightly more ambitious th is time, she raises the total by one and her methods are even more cunning, all in the name of fashion. Prints are in, you know.

UCI Dude, Where's my car?

Sean William Scott of American Pie fame and Ashton Kutcher star as two loveable rogues in this comedy. Reviewed on page 15. Showing at:

UCI from the 9th Ster Century

Hard man Mel Gibson sheds his tough image to try his hand at romantic comedy, at last putting that smi le to good use. He play s loveable rogue Nick Marshall , a cocky, recently divorced arse-pinching executive who is looking for lurve. Of course, he has a kid in tow guaranteed to provoke aahs from the laydeez. His other secret weapon though is absolute genius - after a freak accident he suddenly gains the ability to read women's mind. Quite why he can 't read the minds of men is unclear but it may have something to do with there not being anything to read. That 's my scientific explanation anyway. Perfect for those of you suffering from post - Valentine traumatic stress syndrome, Mel's twinkle-eyed charms and transformat ion into Mr Right as he realises the limitations of TV sports, alcohol and male banter (ok, so this film may not be high on the reality stakes) is just the tonic. But guys beware: this is most definitely a ch ick flick. And girls - wear something comfy , it's a long one at ove r two hours - but well worth the sore bum . Katherlne Everltt

The word phenomenon when associated to creatures like these is very worrying . Even more concerning however is the plot which sees an evil Digimon using the Internet to take over worldwide communication. Don't they know that children, by nature, are very impressionable? Showing at:

UCI from 16th February

Showing at:

UCI Ster Century Almost Famous

A musician wannabe hits the road and ends up experienc ing life changes that she did not see coming . Showing at:

Ster Century UCI

The Family Man

Nicholas cage plays a Manhattan bank er who wakes up one morning , realises that he has a crap job, a boring wife and brattish kid. Enough to force anyone to invent some scientific explanation as to how he got there . Parallel existence my arse. Showing at:

UCI

Romeo Must Die

Tuesday February 17 Please don't assume that this play has anyt hing to do with Shakespeare. lt doesn't. Ok, so the revenge theme is in there somewhere as a man crosses the high seas to avenge the brutal murder of a family member, but smother this with plenty of kung fu, outrageous torture methods and Matrix-style shooting scenes and you 've got it. Still , great soundtrack though. lA Pitch Black Thursday February 22 Alien and Hitchcock 's The Birds go into the blender here as a mot ley band of space travellers crash land on a desert planet and get scared witless by nasty, black, flapping things. Psycho prisoner Diesel is programmed for a dark planet but finds this one bathed in sunlight . Luckily fo r him an d the interest of the film there happens to be a solar eclipse during his stay which gives him an edge over enemy .. .. Jammy git. Road Trip

Friday February 23 An American Pie style college kids movie, which follows a group of friends as they frantically race across the U.S. to intercept a video of sexual indiscretions. No foodstuff is involved in the making of this fil m but expect the usual helping of smut, innuendo and toilet humour . A fun film, the fast

Born Romantic

Hannlbal

Another Brit. flick, this bitter sweet comedy follows Fergus as he travels to London to search for Mo (Jane Horrocks) who he jilted at the alter over eight years ago. Will he find her and more importantly does she want to be found?

Anthony Hopkins returns as flesh eating Dr Hannibal Lector in this blood soaked sequel. One of vict ims, Mason Verger seeks revenge and uses FBI agent Glance as bait. A surprise ending from Ridley Scott.

Showing at:

UCI fro m 23rd February

Ster Century UC I fro m 16th February

Bounce

Into the Arms of Strangers

This romantic drama is just the thing for this time of year. Not , however, if you are a sad and lonely git, as seeing two beautiful youngsters fa ll helplessl y in love will not help you feel any better about your pitiful existence . Harsh but true.

A war documentary, which looks at the British efforts in 1938 to evacuate thousands of Jewish children from Nazi Germany by train to the safety of Britain.

Showing at:

Cinema City

Showing at:

UCI Ster Century

Meet the Parents

Not to be confused with the BBC's documentary about a bunch of losers on a desert island, this charts Tom Hanks survival against the odds after a horrific plane crash that washes him up on an inhabited island.

Every one 's worst nightmare is made into a fi lm, as Ben Stiller discovers his prospective father in law to be an e.x CIA officer control freak. Hi s attempts to get along with dad involves a fune ral urn, defective toilet and a lie detector, ingredients for some great com ic moments from the director of Austin Powers.

Showing at:

UCI Hollywood, Anglia Square Ster Century

UCI Ster Century Hollywood, Anglia Square

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Pay lt Forward

Cast Away

If you are feeling a bit sick after all Valentine 's coverage, then give this one a miss. Awash with cheese and highly overdosing on the 'movie with a message' track , it shows how an eleven year-old boy creates a system rather like a cha in letter but with good deeds. See what I mean. Showing at:

UC I

pupils into a winning team? Showing at:

UCI from 9th February Sexy Beast

A gangster film a la Lock Stock, Ray Win stone is a ret ired cr iminal living in a Costa Del Sol hideaway , when a sadist ic psycho arrives on his doorstep to try and lure him back for one more job. See review page 15.

Quills

Showing at:

Incarcerated French pornographer the Marquis de Sade has his scandalous novels smuggled out by a chamberma id played by Kate Winslet. Hm mm, Prisons, perverts and pornography sounds like a cracking film . I don't think.

UCI Cinema City

Showing at:

UCI Cinema City Remember the Titans

Denzel Washington stars in this film set in a commu nity affected by racial segregation, as a black football coach , he struggles to unite a div ided community . Will he succeed in turning around the community and his angry

Traffic

Michael Douglas plays a top judge charged with heading up the president's war on drugs, little realisi ng that his daughter is a drug addict. Catherine Zeta Jones also stars in th is TV series turned Hollywood blockbuster as a drug baron 's w ife. Stylish direction ensures that this film will feature highly at this years awards ceremonies. Showing at:

Cinema City UCI Ster Century

Use our searchable listings database at

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-.Wednesday, February 14, 2001

the

__ eVent ______E_v_e_n_t_h_o_ri_z_o_n_:_F_ii_~...;.I...C_Iu;..b;;.s.;...._21~ ~ UK

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10

Film Chart

What Women Want Cast Away Traffic Vertical Limit Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Meet the Parents 102 Dalmations Unbreakable The Grinch Pay it Forward

Unbreakable Bruce Willis plays a superhero, but with no animation or special effects. Intrigued? You will be as he tries to decipher the mystery that surrounds a train crash of which he was the only survivor. Showing at: UCI Ster Century Vertical Umlt A typical action movie involving lots of snow, too many near misses and not enough deaths. Exciting but also tremendously implausible. Showing at: UCI Ster Century What Women Want See Essential Film . Showing at : Hollywood , Angl ia Square Ster Century UCI

Women on Top Think Ready Steady Cook but with less ugly balding blokes and more sun, sea, sand and pout. Penelope Cruz plays lsobella, a talented chef who flees to America from her cheating husband. Tbere a TV producer gives her a cooking show , but hubby is in close pursuit.. .. Showing at: UCI Cinema City

Clubs Wednesday Superfly: February 14/21 Mojos A great night to chill out to a cool mix of Funk , R 'n' B and Hip Hop in the place with less front than a turtle (Get it? it's down a side alley. Oh don't worry ). £3

Flockln' Sheep: February 14/21 Ikon Loads of commerc ial pop and a load of drunken louts. Either just what you 're looking for, or something to run away screaming from . Reverb: February 14/21 Po Na Na Pumping funk and soul in the interestingly corner-shaped souk bar with the big cushions. £1 after 9pm DJ Jam: February 1 4/ 21 Hys Resident DJ does his thing on the glass dance floors. Ladies grab a man and strut your funky stuff. WeRK: February 14/21 Manhattans Aight . Shaun Johnson (another one of Norwich's top resident DJ's might I add) is here to give you pleasure all night. Musical pleasure that is.

Thursday Gasworkz: February 15/ 22 Kafe Da The Russian vodka bar is a great place for a pre-club warm up to Time, and it's also a pretty sleek and stylish place to be seen in. You even get a free vodka with every drink between 8 and 9pm . Spank: February 1 5/ 22 Time Totally cheese-free music down by the riverside . Drink , frolic and flirt with the ladies, or men, or both . £1 before 11pm (NUS) 70's Night: February 15/22 Hys it 's t ime to sport those flares and

nylon shirts and head up the narrow stairs to the magical world of the 70's. Boogie the night away to Abba without a care in the world . £2 (NUS) Value for Money: February 15/ 22 Liquid Hundreds of people with the 'lets get pissed and leave our consciences and common sense at home' mental ity . Well, if you can 't beat 'em . £2 before 11pm, £3 after (NUS) The LCR disco: February 15/ 22 UEA it's close, it's cheap and, well, you know what you 're going to get. Great place to meet up with all the people in seminars that you don't usually get to chat to, and then of course to laugh at them when they get pissed . £3/ £3.50 on the door Charty Handbaggy: February 15/22 The Loft Popular gay night. The building is a bit inconspicuous though (not). DJ Twister: February 15/ 22 Joe Alan's Despite it's size, the little bar down Prince of Wales road give big beats of upl ifting house for your pleasure. DJ Ess-Ay-Emm: February 22 The Hive Hive R&B and Hip-Hop from the Turntablists, providing a welcome respite from all that cheese in the LCR . £3

Friday Elegance: February 16/23 Mojos

Smooth and sexy R 'n' B grooves in a dark, underground venue. lt's the Business: February 16/ 23 Liquid Who are we to argue with a t itle like that? Cheap beer and huge, huge lava lamps here we come! £2 before 11pm, £3 after (NUS) Hytlmes: February 16/ 23 Hys DJ Rob Mack is on the decks spinning his discs so we can spin on the dancefloor. Though hopefully our heads won't be ;.-spinning massively the next morning. £3 Hot: February 16/ 23 Ikon Unfortunately this title refers to the stuffy temperature inside and not so much to the talent. it's good fun watching all the teenagers with fake ID trying to get past the moody looking bouncers if you do find yourself in the area. £4 Parkslde: February 16/ 23 Po Na Na Garage night. Marvel: February 16/ 23 The Loft t:Fortnightly funky jau, hip-hop and soul. A great night open to all , whatever your dispositions. Hallelujah: February 16 The Waterfront Hardhouse all-n1ghter for those with stamina, resilient eardrums and a stomach that can take cop1ous amounts of alcohoi.Rah. £11/ £9 advance

Wednesday, February 14, 2001

•

Garage Nation: February 16 UEA Dance gods DJ Luc k and MC Neat are back m Norwich and rigl1t :n our very own LCR. £9.50 (NUS)

Sunday Service: February 18/ 25 Manhattans What a marvellous choice Norwich gives us on a Sunday night. Maybe you're better off grabbing a few beers and a video and staymg 111 tonigllt.

One Nation: February 23 rile Waterfront Dance group supported by 'Ram Raiders·. 10pm-4am. Can you take 1t? £12/£10 advance

Monday

Saturday Sat isfact ion : Febru ary 17/24 Hys We all want satisfaction on a Sat urday night don't we? ( Mental note: must stop lowering the tone). £4 before 11pm. £5 after Meltdown: February 1 7/24 The Waterfront In the dungeon bit there's mdiejpop and lots of people wandering about murmuring under thei r breath. In the other room (if you can find it in all the darkness and confusion) there's dance on the Feb 17 and Goth on Feb 24. £3 (NUS)

Retro Active: February 17 UEA Glitter and Glam is back amongst our grey concrete blocks whoopee. Tile ·active' bit tonigllt is the 'Godfat hers of Soul·. One suspects they are a sou l band. £5 Pam 's House: February 24 UEA Garage and dance n1gt1t featurmg ·sundissential '. £7.95 (NUS)

Sunday

Flockin ' Sheep: February 19/ 26 Ikon Those pesky sl1eep are back. Those big, scary bouncers don·t look like very good shepherds though . £2 before 11pm Funky Jam Carwash: February 19/ 26 Li qu id Disco music and cheap dri nks between 9 and 10pm. Can't be bad. Underground Bands: February 19 / 26 Mojos A night of lo-fi indie music surrounded by a lot of lik e-minded peopl e. just what yo u need to st art yo ur week. Play: February 19/ 26 Pq Na Na Hi p-hop t ype stu ff, and yo u should know where t his place is by now .

Salsa: February 20/ 27 Po Na Na Not a night you spend covered in Mex1can dip as has this been previou ly m1staken for. No. tonight you get the chance to learn how to dance Latino style. Lessons begm at 7pm and last until 9pm. £3 (NUS)

Norfolk has not seen somethmg l1ke this for ages. eons, maybe never. it's a music festival, and whereas the big ones such as Glasto. Reading and V 2000 are more 'accessible', the East Angl ia style of th ings has got it going on. Tt1e Dedbeat wee!1ender is a unique event hitting the Great Yarmouth shores and is featunng Aphex Twin . Mixmaster Morris, M r Scruff. J Saul Kane. M1ke Dred. Grant and Ed DMX . Refreshingly, the organisers of the weekender want to get away from all the "wannabe cool corporate bullshit" . There will be no sponsors. flyers and the l1ke to detract from the atmosphere and the serious bus1ness of listening to and playing good music . Res pect. Apllex Twin and tile l1ke are huge names to be seen so far east and many people have to keep reminding themselves t hat it's all true and Yarmouth is getti ng a wh ole weekend-full . just to prove 1\. Katherine Everitt

Life: February 20/ 27 Time Get drunk cheaply and have a competi tion witll your mates about who had to wait the longest at the bar. £1 (NUS) Funk Frict ion: February 20/ 27 Owens Cafe Bar Ok . ok. 1t's a cafe and bar but hey they've got alcohol. fit blokes and birds and pool. what 's the problem?

Ugly Duckling + Tomorrow people Wednesday February 14 Fat Pauly's

£6

Student Night: February 20/ 27 Li quid This is whe re t hey section off all the st udent s from the rest of the Norw ic h popul at ion so we don't interfere with their Tuesday night inbreedi ng programme. We, in t urn, get t he comfort of knowing t hat there are only students here t onight and no dirty old men. £1 before 11pm

Agent Orange Wednesday February 14 Boswells Sweaty Leicester Thursday February 15 Boswells He's sweaty. That's all we know, but it should be enough t o make yo u want to go ...

Slinky: February 20/ 27 Hys Expect the usual Hys vi be and a lot of

The Vibrators + support Thursday February 15 Fat Pauly's Angnelli & Nelson/ Jay {EZ Rollers) and DJ Zlko Friday February 16 The Waterfront The Hallelujah Drum'n'bass night presents some f1ne stuff. with a chillout from The Audio Hoover £9 Empower night feat Spot+ D5 and Moonjuice Friday February 16 Fat Pauly's £4 Purple Ronnle Band Friday February 16 Boswells Not t he litt le st ick man from the cards , but a fine ou tfit nonetheless. After Hours Blues Band Saturday February 17 Boswells Get down to Boswells for some fine bluesy action . Splendid ! DIY Music Showcase Saturday February 17 Norwic h Art s Cent re 8.00pm - midnight The best of local DJ s and dance ac t s. £4 Godfathers of Soul {James Brown Tribute) Retro Active Saturday February 17 The Sex Machine himself (as featured in th is issue) comes to UEA. apparently. Or is that someone who just looks Snoop Dogg·s

•

Vlic" }cet"der

Essential event: ; ')e

Tuesday

Wednesday, February 14, 2001

De~dbeut

drinking and snaggi ng.

ugl ier cousin? Yo u dec ide. £5 Vannila Pod, Project Mork and Clench Saturday February 17 Fat Pauly's £4 Magic (Queen tribute) Sunday February 18 Theatre Royal - 7 .30pm £3.50-£14.00 ace. to seats Funk Foundation Monday February 1 9 Boswell s Funky shenanigans from past mast ers of the craft . Porcupine Tree Monday February 19 Norwic h Art s Centre- doors 8 .30pm Psychedelia, Krautroc k and 70's rock commi ngle in a sweaty, 'experimenta l' mass of heavi ng hairi ness . This lot have JUSt re leased t lleir sixth album. and sti ll no-o ne knows who the fuck they are . Should be a good night. £1 0 .00 Powder Monkey Wednesday February 21 Boswells M e nei ther. Night of the Black Cat Wednesday February 21 Norwic h Art s Centre - 8.30pm Acoust ic showca se, featuring S1mon Black and Chris Parker. £3, £2.50 concessions Joe Turne r and His Memphis Blues Caravan Thursday February 22 Norw1ch Arts Centre 8.30 pm One-t1me bass player w1th BB King comes to town. £10. £8 cone. Tim Richards ' Great Spirit Frid ay February 23 Norwich Arts Centre- 8pm 9-piece Jazz band. feat. some of Britain's finest jazz musicians.

£ 9, £7.50 c one . Dominlc Alldis in Concert Friday February 23 Theatre Royal An evening of sophisticated jazz and caberet in the company of singerpianist Dominic Aldis. Music by Gershwin , Cole Porter . Noel Coward etc. Nice. £11 (£9 concessions) Empower feat Boiler Room and Labrat Friday February 23 Fat Pauly's £5 One Nation Ram Raiders Friday February 23 The Waterfront Andy C w / Ram Raiders, Ed Rush. Shi mon. Red One , Fl uid and MC ' s Moose and GQ , plu s UK garage fro m Hermit. Bomb Squad. Natralist and Alex M arvel1u, an d chillout R& B from D'lux and crew. £10 The Dedbeat Weekender February 23-25 Vauxhall Holiday Park, Great Ya rmout h There's st ill some ticket s left at ti me of writ ing - but hu rry as they 're selli ng ve ry fast indeed. it is the biggest hip hop/ dance weekender ever to grace Norfol k , and wi t h t he Aphex Tw in (yep, him) . the Pharcyde, Big c•addy Kane. Hefner. Andy Weat herall and DJ Vadim play ing (am ongst many ot hers). you'd be a tasteless fool not to. Phone tile t icket hotli ne on 0 1493 853899 . £85 per person for the whole weekend Members Only Saturday February 24 Norwich Arts Centre- 8.30pm Melodic Rock. Balk ye not until you've heard them- it's not all poodle perms and leather trusses any more. you know. £4.50Great Balls of Fire Sunday February 25 Theatre Royal Gerry Lewis tribute

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Eventhorizon: Gigs/Theatre/Mise ~ Director

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Contributors wanted:

If you would like to be part of the country's most successful student newspaper then we want you. Writing for Concrete offers you invaluable experience in the media, as well as something rather impressive to put on your CV. So, if you want to write, photograph, draw or proof read as well as possibly get onto the editorial team then there's no time like the present.

a e

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a £3.50-£14.50 ace. to seats Llama Farmers Monday February 26 Norwich Arts Centre - 8.30pm They may be young 'uns, but they can rock like bastards, oh yes. £6 advance

Theatre The Blues Brothers Monday February 12-Saturday February

14 Theat re Royal Norwich The movie comes to the Norwich stage. it's got Huggy Bear in it, which is always cool. For a full review see Arts, page 17. £3.50 for cheap seats, £18.00 for jewellery-rattlers A Woman In Waiting Friday February 16 Theatre Royal - 8.00pm "The word catharsis was invented to describe such glorious work"- The Guardian. Zulu actress Thembi Mtshali celebrates the history of three generations of resilient Zulu women- a unique and moving tribute to the South Afric an spirit. £10 (£8 concessions) The Nutcracker Monday February 19 - Saturday February 24 Theatre Royal One of Tchaikovsky's most famous works, brilliantly produced. Almost wort h getting t he posh seats for. £4.50-£24.00 ace. to seats The Wizard of Oz Tuesday February 20 Theatre Royal- 7.30pm £3.50 Easy VIrtue by Noel Coward February 22 - March 3 Maddermarket Theatre

Boy marries older femme fatale named Larita, and the 'Entente Cordiale' beg ins t o break down as t he drawing room dram a unfol ds. Which basically means that a big hoo-ha kicks off and people say lots of clever things. £5- 7 ace. to seating In Praise of Love February 27 - March 3 Theftre Royal Terence Rattigan's acclaimed play, perfect for Valentine's latecomers. £3.50-£15.00 ace. to seats Bedroom Farce Tuesday February 27 /Wednesday February 28 Theatre Royal - 7 .30pm Alan Aykbourne's 'hit' West End farcical jobbie, revived for Norwich. Watch Trevor and Susannah have a problem relationship, then try and sort it. With hilarious results. Think Hi-de-Hi with bells on. Then stop thinking about it and do something worthwhile. £10 (£8 concessions)

Mise Wear Fair Fashion Show Saturday February 17 Norwich Playhouse - 8.00pm TSN Learn How to DJ Night Sunday February 18 Room 1.33, Union House 5pm- 7pm Sunday 25 February 6pm - 8pm

Let the Turntablist Society teach you how to become an expert vinyl-spinner in this week ly DJ class. Free Chlll-eltH)ut Jazz Cafej levl Tefarl Wednesday February 21 The Hive- 7.30pm-11.00pm Dub poet airs his talents at the jau cafe- and you can too! Failing that you could just sit back and enjoy the labours of UEA's cunningest linguistsorrysorrysorrysorrysorry. £5, £3 advance

ABC Taxis All Star Taxis Beeline Taxis Bettacar Taxis Five Star Taxis Loyal Taxis Canary Cue Club Cinema City Fat Pauly's Hy's Ikon Liquid Maddermarket Theatre Mojo's Manhattans Norwich Arts Centre Norwich Playhouse Po Na Na's Ster Century Theatre Royal The Loft The Waterfront Tourist Information Time UEA Studio UCI UEA Union Ents

01603 666333 01603 7 44444 01603 767676 01603 747474 01603 455555 01603 619619 01603 627478 01603 62204 7 01603 441044 01603 621155 01603 621541 01603 611113 01603 620917 01603 622533 01603 629060 01603 660352 01603 766466 01603 619961 01603 221900 01603 630000 01603 623559 01603 632717 01603 666071 0870 6078463 01603 592272 0870 0102030 01603 508050

Ustings were wriHen and compiled by Liz Hutchinson, Katherine EveriH and Steve Collins. All details were conect at the time of going to

press.

Jeff Green Saturday February 24 Norwich Playhouse8.00pm "Funniest standup in Britain". says the Sun. "Razor sharp observations ... one of the brightest stars on the British comedy scene" say the ads. Best go and see him, then. Tickets £10 (£8 concessions)

youneed then get In touch by phone • 01603 250558 • throug our pigeonhole or e-ma on &u.coi1Crete@uea.ac.uk nd we 1

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