The uea inquirer 178 18 05 2005

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UEA to close as lecturers

and staff call it a day Students were flocking to the library in record numbers yesterday as University bosses announced they have one month to learn as much as they can and then get out.

Nter 42 years in lhe education business. the University of East Anglia is to close its doors, following an unprecedented vote amongst lecturers arid staff concluded it really wasn't worth everyone's time and effort to carry on any more .

'We were having a meeting the other week to discuss the next stage of the faculty re-shuffle. and it was a lovely day outside, and someone happened to ask, 'Do we really want to be here?"' said the Dean of Shock Announcements as he huniedly threw suitcases into his BMW. "And we decided that we didn't. and figured it was only fair if we asked our colleagues if they wanted to hang around either.

Nter that it was only a matter of time before the entire University ground to ~ halt."

Figures provided by the Maths department indicate that if UEA's land, buildings and equipment are auctioned off, the amount raised would be m ore than enough to support the entire staff until retire-

ment. Lecturers are contlibuting to the total by selling off any unfmished thinking they may have.

There will be a table sale in the square next Saturday were students, rival academics and members of lhe general public will be able to buy ideas and musings at bargain, knock-down prices.

Some money has been put aside to build and run a sanctuary for orphaned kittens, a stipulation of Vice-chancellor Eastwood.

Across campus. staff are understandably ecstatic. SOC lecturer Mavis Kildare spoke for many in saying," ~I think this was the right time for this to happen. I mean. really, don't we know enough?"

"I've spent the last 20 years of my life studying the buoyancy of frogs," said 53-year-old Biology Professor Barney Winalot. "now I can pack that rubbish in and realise my dream of becoming a professional footballer." ~rve always wanted to swim with dolphins, said Cleaner Mary McTavish, 94, "but I've got so much money now I might hunt them instead ."

But where do the Stu dents figure in all this?

"The what?" asked Vice-ch ancellor Eastwood.

This lonely mallard is the first of the new students to arrive at UEA after the University tried to fill the gap left by a drop in international students by recruiting wildfowl.

Quack, as he insists on being called. is studying for a business diploma and paying for his tuition by contributing any eggs h e m ay father to the catering

division and any twigs he collects to the numerous construction projects at the UEA. one of which has now been expanded to make nests for the expected influx of birds. Fellow students are finding it hard to relate to Quack, as the picture shows. When 路 asked how he was fmding University, he simply responded "Quack"

The UEA Enquirer

2

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CONTENTS 1: Front cover (you've probably already seen this) 2:news l :more news 4:news again S:news (there was quite a lot happening this week) 6:further news (although these stories might not be worth your ti e) 7:last dregs of news, we were really scraping the barrel &:salacious gossip regarding the rich and marginally famous 9:see above 1O:feature on drinking and how to do it 11 :another feature, not actually written when the contents was done.

12& 13:stupendous feature lifting the lid on the sleaze of UEA 14: Turf presents tree top trumps 15:travel feature 16:Uncle Rodders solves your problems 17:letters and hard-hitting editorial 18:classified ads, buy and sell garbage you don't want or need 19:fashion feature, learn to walk home with your head held high 20&21 :Killing lime, our incisive guide to entertain路 ment 22:sports fe11ture 23:sport 24:sport back page

A Norwich-based headline writ er has fallen into . a catat onic state after ov e r punning h im self.

Th e tragedy occurred when his n ewspaper, The UEA Enquirer, d emanded h e concoct a h eadline for a st01y on Hollywood film star Bra d Pitt, who h a d injured the under ide of his s houlder after falling into a hole. The Wliter: who cannot b e n a m ed b ecau se we los t the scra p 路

of p aper we wrote his detail d own on , now lies s tric k en in a hos pita l b ed , b a bblin g ins anely.

Menta l pun-strains are an occu pational h azard of the h eadline industry, but doctors h a ve indica ted tha t t his was the wors t case they'd s een in "many moons ."

A s pokesperson for Mr Pitt said the actor wa s "profoundly troubled " by th e incid en t but wa s "unlikely to offer a ny

assistance" b ecau se of "the s h ear overwh elming weight of prior charitable comm itm ents alr eady bu rd e n ing his ta nned , ta stefully mu scled physiq u e ."

He a dded tha t Mr Pitt and Mis s Jolie we re just good fri ends.

Meanwhile, over a t Th e Enquirer. ed itors s a id they were "irrita ted b u t coping ." "I s uppose we' ll just h a ve to get an o U1er one," said someon e.

"Political correctness gone mad," was the verdict as Norwich Council announced a new initiative to increase the number of blind taxi drivers in the city.

To date, the taxi-driving profession has largely excluded the blind comm unity reasonin g th a t Now , th ey can't see . s u ch con s id era tion will b e s wept asid e as the vis ual.ly impair ed take to Norwich's road s .

Driving the sch em e will b e advances in the art of guide-dog training. The dogs will sit in the front p a s senger sea t, barking once for 'left', twice for 'right' and three times for 's top '.

Cu s tom e rs are a dvised not to dis tract the dogs, as s u ch actions will "proba bly lead to a

A great tragedy h as befalle n UEA Pm student , Nic k Patterson after he u ndertook a dangerous e x p e rimen t upon himself.

Having been reminded in a Wittgen stein lectw 路e tha t if on e says a word rep eatedly to oneself it s oon loses all m eaning, Patter son decided t o ren der as m any words m eaningless to himself as possible. He b egan in Febru ary of t hi s year , working through an Oxford En glis h dictionary, r ep eating each word over and over out loud until it lost all m eaning.

Fortunately his friend s put an end to his fool h ardy exp erimen t, reportedly while h e was beginning the 'T' section.

Patterson h as n ow been m oved to the UEA h ealth cen tre, wh ere, although perfectly physically fit , h e u nderstands alm ost no

words from U1e Englis h langu age a s id e from those beginning wiU1 the letters 'T' throu gh to 'Z'.

He did s pen d m u ch of his tim e in the h ealth cen tre readin g an ed u cation al poster about tuberculos is , b u t this pos ter was rem oved recen tly when it was feared tha t h e would rend er m or e word s m eaningless to himself in a fmal bid to fmish his experiment,. Friends and Doctors are s truggling to communicate with Pa tter s on u s ing only words from the very end of the alpha b et, though they are ttiankful that he s till recognises most T words, Close fri end , Oliver Wooley said of Pa tters on: "It's b een pretty tough going, but you get u sed to . it and we make s ure we h ave a thesaurus h andy t o find words h e'll unders tand , though we're very careful

to make s ure h e doesn 't get his h ands on it, I dread to think: of the problem s we'd face if h e m anaged to make all syn on yms m eaningless to himself as well".

Those s p ending a great d eal of time with Pa tters on h ave rep orted tha t a glimmer of recogni tion cros s es hi s face upon h earing s ome p articularly obscure words such as 'Coba lt' a nd 'Dodecah edron 路, bu t unfortunately s u ch words are rarely u sed in conversation. It has also b een possible to commu nicate t hrough s ome slang phrases that were not included in his dictionary.

Despite h a ving los t much of his vocabulary to m eaninglessn ess, Patterson rem ains seemingly ch eerful and gave rep orter s from Th e Enquirer the followin g

quote: ''The Wittgen s tein word test, thou gh unfmished , was very valu able undertaking toward wis dom". Patter s on then b egan rep eatin g this quote over and over to himself, at which point friends and doctors raced t o gag him and our reporter was politely b u t frrmly asked to leave.

Both UEA and the staff of Th e En quire r u rge readers n ot to follow in

loss of human life on a colossal scale". To shorten journey times, it is also helpful to read out loud any relevant road signs, as otherwise drivers will h ave to s top, get out and locate the nearby Braille equivalent.

Assuming all goes well, U1e schem e could b e an important step in open ing m a n y previous ly closed career pa ths for U1e b lind . "If we can h elp people to drive cars, then why s hou ldn 't they Oy p la n es, ca pta in oil tankers or p lay profess ional football?" said a yow1g, thrus ting, rucldy ch eeked councillor. ''This is political correc tn ess gone m a d ," said s om e gu y wa lking past. Th e UEA Enquirer's office.

Nick 's r eckless footsteps and to prevent copycat inciden ces we are calling for an all-campus ban a nd destruc tion of Di ct ion a r i e s , Thesauruses and En cyclop a edias .

Th e book -burnings will take place each midnigh t in th e s quare until we can be s ure that every stu den t is safe from these dange rou s sources of words .

The UEA Enquirer

3

GOTHS ANNOUNCE IMAGE CHANGE Controversial Goth music legend. Marllyn Manson. rocked the world of rock to the point of boulderism last night by announcing that being a Goth "Jus t wasn't alternative enough anymore."

The revelation stunned audiences at the MeatRockMetalFestFastGoreMunchMother Festival in Barbados, prompting many rockers and metalheads in the audience to pelt him with whatever food stuff and human waste was to hand.

The claim has caused outrage amongst the Goth community, including some of the UEA's Deviant Soc. Society President, Hacit Fahlstrom, responded strongly to the singer's comments: "I can't believe he would say a thing like that. I've been a Goth for years, after realising that I had no place in mainstream existence.

The claim that being a Goth is no longer :lltef-

native is ludicrous ," he ranted, "all my friends are Goths and I can assure you they are the most alternative people I k now".

He then emphasised his point by chewing on a nearby tree, "See! Would I be doing this if I was in any way an average guy?"

Manson's outburst has not been a total shock for some commentators who have been speculating about the cause of the singer's recent enthusiasm and optimism. Those close to him have even come forward saying that they too are tired with the _dark, dreary world assciated with being a Goth.

Orf Mulapsen, one of the famous 'Finnish Flesh Eaters' recently went on the record as saying "There was a time when being a Goth meant something. You could meet hot chicks and persuade them to do al-

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whole people coming into the scene who think that wearing dark clothes and believing JFK conspiracy theories is enough. Mainstream is the way to go now, I'm settling down and my first kid is on the way. I'm getting more action, too; I just moved to this remote town in Kent and the swinging scene there is wild, man."

The UEA Enquirer

4

NEWS IN BRIEF

BOFF NS: '' THAN SWORD''

London, England : In an unprecedented revelation of British military technology, the Defence Secretary John Knott announced today that extensive tests had proven the pen to be mightier than the sword "by a significant margin".

In a hastily-called press conference. Knott stated that the project, codenamed Operation Ryman 's, has b een an unprecedented success .

"Since Britain d iscontinued a ll diplomatic negoti a tion with Europe a nd the rest of the world, ta k ing orders instead from Washington , the nation 's bureaucrats h ave b een s toc kpiling stationary.

With the s tea dy depletion of our military s upplies in response to the war, we have decid ed to combine th ese twin problems and use stationary as weaponry.

Gr ound troops a r e expected to be armed with Sic biros and Stabilo fast- now ink pens

within 28 days, governm ent s ources indicate, a lthough the s hipment of Ink cartridges has caused delays.

Followin g this announcement. the h ead of the stationary resear ch prog r a m.

J es u s Pantaloons, revealed the long a nd tortuous genes is of this project. "This proj ect has h a d a long and tortuous gen esis" h e revealed. adding "initia l testing with staple-guns proved unsa tisfac tory, providin g a maximum of 40 round s before j amming. Add to th is reload times of up to two min utes a nd th e high risk of broke n n a il s from the high -ten s ion spring and staple-gun s become impractical on the mod ern battle fi eld ." However, when somebody had the b1ight idea of testing out a Biro. the group knew th ey were on to a winner.

"We knew we were on to a winne r" proc laimed the milita ry nut-job.

"Imagine th e ene my is

began calling for "Freedom for every pa ra noid delusional to cany a pen if he or she wishes'' The US

relaxing on a hot day.

You place a lidless biro nib-down in his top· s hirt pocket. covertly. Give it ten minutes. his s hirt is covered in biro ink.

He is shocked. he is in awe, he is an easy mark for a 2HB to the h eart."

Stationary stores across th e country h ave b een asked to discontinue sales pens , as it is fear ed that stockpiling in anticipation of terrorist attack s could cause a world shortage. Devon stationer Rumfield Gigglesnitch is feeling th e a lready effects. "It's going crazy in h er e" h e proclaimed.

"People a re load ing up with pen s, pen cils, anything th ey can get their h a nds on. This country is going to the dogs! " In r es ponse to today 's news , the British Gun Association a dd ed a "pen " to its title, and

has recently been confirmed by the 'Students Institute of Ironic Music' that the music of 'Daphne and Celeste' h as , a t long l ast, been officially declared 'ironic' and s o can become part of s tudent 'cheese night' club playlists.

The retu1·n of Daphne and Ce les te's unique brand of awful bub-

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TV

Programmes.

Las t January's 100 B esi Armadillo Mating Documentaries is

Following his success saving the n a tion's children witl1 Jamie's School Dinners. celeb rity chef Jamie Oliver is preparing for a n ew challenge with comm ent on thi s specifica lly British issue, al thou g h insiders say the US h as been working on Crui se Fountain Pe ns for over three years.

Rumours of Ink Erasers that can com ple tely r emove the effec t of ink have been stringently de ni ed. as h ave allegations that Terrorist Ink Erase r cou nte r .measures conta in a pen capable of writing ind eli bly over ink-erased text.

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minor theatrica l produ ctions ag r ees: "Look at David Dickin son from Bargain Huni - h e was declared ironic only a few months a fte r h e first turned u p on TV. We've been waiting for the iron ic recognition of our nontalents fo r far too lon g now. Still I guess it could be worse. look at Chesn ey Hawkes: he had to wa it ten years to become ironic and start doing th e uni versity circui ts, we've managed it in h a lf that lime. I gu ess that's what com es of h a ving two songs that people can 1·em ember the chorus to ra th er than just one".

Daphne and Celeste will be playing shows in universi ty cities across the n a tion for the neA'i yea r and plan on releasin g a n ew a lbum in August 2005: the songs from which they hope will b e appreciated ironically by students in around 2010.

and now it h as bee n decided that the British s tudent community are ready to enjoy their songs once more, a lbeit ironica lly.

Wh en as k ed about their new-found ironic status, Celeste Cruz, now an assistant manager a t a Plymouth department store , expressed happiness that it had hap pen ed b ut a lso anger a t how long it has taken s tud ents to a ppreciate their music ironically: "It' s great tha t we're fin al ly appreciated ironically, but given the mus ic we made I'm chagrined and bewildered as to how this didn 't happen earlier, I m ean, I know you h ave to wait a while out of the limelight before you can 1·eturn as a n ironic icon but I think we've been made to wait too long".

Karen DiConcetto (Daphne). who has been working as a supporting character in a handful of

blegum pop in ironi c form ha s b een long a waited by many within the ironic mus ic scene and by the musical duo themse lves who have been eager to tour British universities and clubs to perform. It's been just over five years since their singles 'Ooh Stick You' 'U.G.L.Y' we re a nd r elease d and received moderate chari s uccess

B est

currently tipped for the top s pot.

DAPHNE ANDCELESTE WIN INVERTED CO

It

Channel 4 was facing c riticism from all s ides yesterday as it announced ils intention to screen a 6 hour show e ntitled The 100 B es i 100

.,

Jamie Rules The World,

a n e igh t-pa rt series in which Oliver will h ave c omple te control of everything. Expect a barrage of foul langu age in episode 3 as Jamie tack les third-world debt.

Farmers across Norfolk a re said to be outraged at a n ew European ruling tha t s tates ca ttl e ca n only be slaughtered if the an im a ls want to di e. Said a spokesman , "farmers find the cost of d epressing the cows to the point of s uicide to be prohibi tive. Cows are naturally j olly crea tures ...

BAND CiiVEN COLD SHOULDER The songs of controversial Inuit rap outfit, '2 Kold 2 Sno' have been banned from UEA's Livewire radio station.

The ban foll ows a litany of complaints from lnuit listeners abo ut the ra p group's repeated use of the term 'Es kimo' in their songs, a term which many li stene rs h ave found offensive.

Yutai Meekitjuk of the anti in nuit-defamation leagu e said recently in a publi c statem e nt: "The word 'Eskimo' is offensive to the lnuil people. it is a derogatory label put on u s by outsider which literally m eans 'ea ters of raw Oesh'. By repea ted use of this word in refer ence to lnuits and each other in their songs '2 Kold 2 Sno' a re selling back a cause that the Inuit people have b een fighting for and continue to fig ht for every day .

Having educated the world as to the racis m of the word 'Eskimo' this group are publicly belittling their own people".

'2 Kold 2 Sno' frontman Icee-8 has defended his group's u se of the 'Ewo rd ' saying that th e group is acting to reclaim th e word for th e lnuit people: "Wh en I call som eon e 'My Eskimo' It's a term of endearme nt. i'm not dissing him . By using the word in refer ence to my own people i'm taking away it's power and reclaiming it for the next gen era tion of Inuit people and lnuit youth c ulture, by using the word i'm re turning it's power to the people it was once used to attack. just like Eminem did willi lhe word 'fag'."

'2 Kold 2 Sno's' · n ew r ecord . 'Freezin' Our Nips Off will be released on Ig loo records in late June.

The UEA Enquirer

5

NEWS IN BRIEF

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News has reached The Enquirer's office t hat one of the students on the prestigious MA Prose Writing course . had a crisis of confidence this week after a particularly gruelling workshop and declared to his astounded classmates that he was

never going to be t he next Ian Mc Ewan.

'We couldn't believe what we were hearing,· said on e student on the course, who preferred to remain anonymous. 'It was a normal Tuesday afternoon and we were sitting in the Grad Bar debating which one of us

displayed the most genius when he stood up and announced that he'd probably never get published because he just wasn't good enough.

Doesn't he know there are over 1.2 million applications for the course every year?'

While most of this year's budding Ishiguros had gone to ground at press time, each dealing with this betrayal in his or her own way, the student in question offered us an exclusive interview on the proviso that both his name and his penname were kept secret.

'It's all true,· he told us over a secure phone-line from one of the university's many prestigious artists' garrets. 'I started looking at some of the work I was handing into class and I had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that there was something wrong with it.

It was only after a serious line-by-line reading that I realised what the problem was: it was completely rubbish .'

Appearing pale and emotional after a week of

intensive soul-searching. the one-time hopefu l, who had been considered an early front runner for the three million pound Curtis Brown Prize, quashed rumours that his lack of talent would prevent him from enjoying a successfu l career in the arts.

'There's been a lot of nasty things said about me since I realised what a terrible writer I was,· he said, leaning forward and pointing his quill pen in our reporter's face. 'But let me state for the record that I don't consider a lack of talent or the absence of any spark of originality to be a hindrance to a career as a professional novelist. If anything, I'd like to think that I will be following in the best traditions of the course and making a living on the London literary scene by the end of the summer.· Fellow students have distanced themselves from these remarks and when word spread that he was observed in the Hive in conversation with one of the students from

the Poetry MA, anger turned to concern.

'Realising that one is a talentless prose writer is one thing,' said one student who is well known to have a cousin with a boyfriend who used to live next door to a man whose second wife is an aunt of the p hotocopy clerk at Penguin. 'But deciding to talk to the poets is something else entirely. At this point. we're all seriously worried about his mental well-being. ' Concern will no doubt continue to grow over the coming months as this latter day Algonquin Circle take their first cautious steps into the real world armed with little more than dubious metaphors and tired images , but it seems that the talentless no-mark is having the last laugh.

HarperCollins announced yesterday morning that they have made a pre-emptive bid for two novels and a memoir by the young man for a high five figure sum.

Government departments were in chaos yesterday after Tony Blair personally banned the u se of crayons on the ground s that when used for colouring in they make it extremely difficult to stay within the lines. "I don't feel confident using felt tips in case I get ink on my clothing," said a low-level accounting drone.

Scientists have conclu sively proved that sharks aren't suited to life on land. "We got a bunch of sharks and stuck 'em in a box," concluded their 400 page report on the subject.

In a shock turn around, health experts n ow admit that the coolness of smoking outweighs the activity's detremental effects on health. "I saw a bunch of kids smoking last week," said a doctor. "and they looked wicked.

Who cares if their lungs fall out in their mid-thirties?"

"Beauty is only skin deep" announced a chirpy burns victim, yesterday.

UEA BANS IRONY UEA Student's Union has recently announced that it has banned irony from all its campus o.u tlets. It forms part of their five-year plan to ban everything.

Following a recent government white paper, highlighting irony as a 'gateway humour' to other forms of more divisive japery such as the racist Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman format. UEA's Union has reacted with its customary knee-jerk speed. After American scientists proved, last month . the use of irony's role in encouraging users to seek harder forms of humour, like sexist witticisms. UEA has led the way in Britain as a flagship institution dedicated to stamping out its spread.

Norfolk has been selected as a test area by the Culture Secretary for new national legislation designed to ensure that people only ever communicate with each other simply. "It's just about being nice to people. If you can't compliment

them on their hair, or nice new shoes, it's probably best not to say anything at all. " "It's just not right or fair", agreed Union Spokesperson, Dave Cuddles. "to confuse people by saying things that you might not mean literally. Someone has to protect autistics."

A recent rise in irony has caused activists and government pressure groups alike to rally against jokes made at their, or any body else's, expense. "Any sort of humour necessitates someone being ridiculed, but irony is particularly dangerous. It's like a black fly in your chardonnay", said a Canadian anti-ironic campaigner we caught up with in Texas "or rain on your wedding day. It just spoils things. Like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife."

"Before long. you stop taking life seriously, which is very dangerous", argues Dr. Xanadu of the American Institute for Providing fl.esults Corp6rations Desire, "what's more, economic

tests have irrevocably proved that an estim ated 13 billion pounds is wasted. every year, on ironic endeavours. He highlighted the British Institute of Innovation's recent discovery of how many Plimsols the average Muslim takes to fmish a Hajj as an example of the sort of project we should be spending otherwise wasted money on: "the results are both culturally relevant. spiritually enlightening and economically useful", he argued, convincingly.

Pierre Cuisine, an ironic supporter, also present at the rally in Dallas recently , branded new legislative wave sweeping the western world "a joke".

But it doesn't end there. At last night's Union AGM . where the proposal was passed by a majority of decent, humourless bureaucrats, an atmosph~re of ecstatic calm followed the move.

"Don't you think we should ban rhetoric?" said a man , during pro- , ceed ings.

Academic Officers are rumoured to be looking into it.

16 pints free when you buy 23 pints

The UEA Enquirer

6

BELOW-THE-KNEE

PUTEES

STUDY BY UEA PROFESSOR ENDORSES BLOODY APPROACH TO CARBON REDUCTION. New signs on campus have been erected after forty-three people became the victims of a cycling environmental activist group performing drive-by dismemberments this week at UEA. The Bicycle Users Group (BUG) have rekindeled the spirit of Queen Boudicca by attaching deadly scythes to their wheels and taking pedestrians' legs out below the knee in an attempt to 'depedestrianise' Norwich.

Th is vicious approach and whole-hearted d isregard for fashio n able footwear has been adopted in response to a recent study by eminent environmen tal scientist. and BUG member. Prof.

Kenneth Lychen. His paper. Why we shou ld amputate peop le below the knee using bikes with

scythes , purports to have proved that pedestrians are of greater threat to the environment than cars. as they emit more Co2 while walking than people who are driving or cycling. Despite several concerns about the validity of the study and one prominent academic publishing a report entitled Why Lychen's Lost It and I Should Have His Job, BUG have rall ied around the clear proposa ls of Lychen路s study and begun organ ising selfstyled scythi ng fests. which h ave been affectio n ate ly termed 路combine Harvesting路.

Tension s amongst the Carbon Reduction community have been running high recently due to the fu rore over a proposed Multi-Storey Car Park. The publication of the study has struck a

chord amongst member s of the usua lly p lacid group, turning them into purveyors of b loody brutality. A spokesperson for the group who did not want to be named, but is ca ll ed Manatin HaPanther. said "We're tired of not being listened to. just on account of tl1e fact that we use fluorescent Velcro strips to stop our trouser hems getting oily. So what if we leave them on when we're not on our bikes; it's a fr ee country and my wife tells me they make me a p pear virile and attractive."

Meanwhil e, Pr of.

Lychen has not been seen for many weeks and proof of his continued existence is only due to a voice recording he sent to the Registry in which he talks of snails walking a long razors. or some such guff. Foll owing

reports that Lychen has establis h ed a base in the ruins of an ancient university somewhere in the marshland at the back of the broad , the Registry has dispatched one of it's key Special Forces personnel to hunt him down like the dog he is and bring h im in for torture. questioning. and more torture. Probably fo l-

!owed by a decent amou nt of death.

Though such matters are confidential, the Registry has offered the following statement on the matter. ''The UEA has recently become aware that esteemed academic, Kenneth Lychen has been using his position to encourage activities that are not in keeping

with the University's policy of non-violence towards staff and students. A key member of the University Library's Academic Retrieval team has been sent to recover him from the grassy swampland at the back of the broad to bring Prof. Lychen to justice.

May God have Mercy on his Soul."

GRADUATE SUCCESS

your degree might be worth the paper it's printed on bring it into our office for a valuation up to llp paid per page (depending on watermark)

UEA Graduate student , Gary Sudden has credited his Bachelors 2.1 honours degree in English Literature as his most valuable asset in his new full-time job at Norwich Union .

Gary claims that the d iversity of his Englis h literature degree has been of particular help: he has found that the compul sory pre 1830's literature units on a u thors such as Shakespeare and Chaucer have been particularly applicable in the field of menial data entry - Said Ga1y: "If it weren't for the working knowledge of Chaucerian English and Shakespeare's tragedies that my English Literature degree gave me I'm sure I'd really struggle to check the right boxes on my PC when I fill in these seemingly meaningless and infinite electronic forms a ll day long".

Gary also claims that his extensive studies of Postmoderi)ist authors such as Virginia Woolf and John Fowles have proven invaluable during

his regular call-centre work. aiding both his phone-marmer and efficiency. He also believes that his studies of British Fiction of the 1960s have been of great use in the filing of unimportant papers: "I swear. if I had n 't written that 5000 word project on Anthony Burgess' 'A Clockwork Orange' and how it was a reflection of the society of the time I'd never be able to handle alphabetically sorting these files for Mr. Dempsey". it's not just his English Literature degree that's helping Gary deal with his day-to-day work at Norwich union - the free choice units he took in both Creative Wiiting and Philosophy have proved

equally valuable in the areas of tea-making and staple-removal respectively.

When asked about Gary's performance. his team leader.

Alan Dempsey described Gary's work at the company as 'sufficient' and much the same as that produced by the dozens of othe1路 recent UEA graduates and post-graduates he currently employs.

Gary hopes to use the money he has earned at Norwich Union to pay for a Masters degree in Film Studies, which he hopes will equip him with many of the necessary skills to make it in the cut-and thrust world of late-night petrol-station cashier work.

The UEA Enquirer

The Union said "no" last night, and, what's more,"down with this sort of thing''. The Enquirer has heard the clarion call for the righteous and has added its voice to the many objectors. 路 We are starting a campaign to encourage all right-minded, decent sorts of folks to stand up and be counted; to make their voices heard. We think this sort of thing should go on no longer and must be stopped.

7

In the past, or in other countries, this kind of goings on might have been, or might be, acceptable, but these days it's 1ight out. Bang out of order. It's just not cricket. These monsters should not be allowed to continue carrying on the way they're carrying on.

"It's not even human, it's barbaric" said a vicar.

"It's not even barbaric, it's... something worse", said the vicar's wife. So, something really must be

done to stop it.

A number of frustrated types who have realized what is going on and have banded together to make use of their democratic right to protest. No more will we stand idly by and let this sort of thing happen. "I don't like it", said a man yesterday, "and I think we should all do something".

"We shouldn't rush into things, but I agree it seems a little off', said a professor.

Conclusive

proof, therefore, that things must be done. So, to show the world your objection to this type of behaviour we, at The Enquirer, have included a poster. below, to cut out and stick up in your window to spread the word.

We would like you to further your support by sending letters to everyone you know telling them that you have had it with conduct of this sort.

Make them put a stop to it, before it goes too far.

r

._

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

---------------------- I I I The Enqu路rer sez: I I I I , I I ~ --

I.

,, (and neither will our friends)

--- ------------------........ - .... . ... .

.I

The UEA Enquirer

8

LARRY CONSTANTINOPLE'S

FEELING HAND-SOME Boy-band member loses hand in freak mowing accident

GENERA S

ELECTRIC

General Augusto Pinochet was looking good and having fun at lhe launch party for Hotpoint's latest washing machine on Monday Night, but the General's skimpy outfit fueled rumours that the 90-year -old may finally have resorted to plastic surgey.

The General, who has been accused of tortw路ing and killing thousands of Chileans, appeared to have 36DD breasts. signi1lcantly larger than his official breast-size while ruler of Chile!

Dont' worry girls - he 's armless!

Teenage girls across the land will be mixing tears from their eyes with blood from their wrists as Shitting Hell! exclusively reveals that Jonny Kiljoy, pin-up hunk from boy-band Mutton, has lost his hand while cutting the lawn of his manager's palacial Kent home!

Though Jonny was quickly raced to hospital, a com bina tion of lhe m anager witl1holding th e hand until Joru1y s ign ed a n ew contract and nurses screaming a t just how d amn a ttracliv Jonny is meant U1a t. by lhe Ume they tiied to s ew it back on , the h a nd was u seless. lt can now be found on E-bay, cunenUy a ttrac ting bids as high as 拢 15!

But wha t does this mean for the future of Mutton? Luckily none of them play instruments , and you

Bu t seriously, Sh it Ung Hell! wi s h es J onny a s peedy recovery , unless of cou rse those rumo urs we printed a bou t him la t week turn out to be tru e, in whic h case we hope s ome oth er bits of him fal l of as well !

But seri ous ly, we don 't. bu t we do! don't n eed two hand s to mime.

Many saw Jonny as lhe real tar of lh band , tippin g him for a s olo career. If h e feels a bit self-con s ious , maybe h e could s ta rt a n ew vers ion of old boy-band 5ive becau se he couldn't s tart a n ew band called lOen because he no longer has tha t many fingers!

------------ -----

The UEA Enquirer

9

ENEMY OF THE STATE You should have seen the look on Gert , Halliwell's face when she found out that Shitting Hell! had dobbed her in for not paying her television licence!

Maybe that'll teach her not to spit in my drink at awards ceremonies!

FRANKENDO<iSTEIN!?!

got a story? help ruin a life on 555 316 128

â&#x20AC;˘

exclusive shots of Sir Sean crossing a road He may be a multi-millionaire movie star but, when he wants to get from one pavement to another, Sir Sean Cannery has to cross the road just like the rest of us!

There were no James Bond-style gadgets in sight last Wednesday when Shitting Hell! spies exclusively snapped the elderly action man placing shoe on tarmac and hot-footing it to the other side!

Witnesses of the road-crossing just wouldn't shut up about what they had

seen. "I couldn't believe it," said one, "he came out of a door, stopped. looked both ways, and then proceeded carefully forward. I can see now why he is such a big star because I became immediately aroused! No normal human being could

have put one foot in front of the other with such chartsma!"

Unfortunately. in the excitement of the moment, Shitting Hell! were unable to discover where he had been or where he was going. We can only speculate it was to buy a kilt, sign a colossal mm deal, or to cheat on his attractive wife.

Sir Sean's camp was keeping quiet last night but didn't deny that a road had been crossed. The announcent of the divorce can't be more than a few days away!

It's the latest celebrtty craze: using cutting edge science to get copies of their own heads grafted onto the bodies oT dogs!

Calista Flockheart and Paris Htlton are just two of dozens of stars to be seen stepping out With their new furry buddies!

ove Richard and Keira make it official Start the Countdown to wedding bells!

Mter months of speculation, the publicists for Keira Knightly and Richard Whitely have officially announced the pair are an item!

Richard and Keira - whose last names rhyme are thought to have met when Keira, a huge fan of Richard's Channel4

work, wrote into the show asking for a lock of his hair. Richard was only too happy to respond and a sertes of secret trysts soon followed!

Knightly, who starred in the hits films Pirates of the Caribbean and Bend It Like Beckham, has

told friends that Richard "might be the one." We can think of a nineletter word to

Get the face of

a

star!

If you look rubbish then Dr. Bangles can help - look exactly like one of these celebrities:

6a Butchers Ave East Cheam

The UEA Enquirer

10

Does alcohol get you drunk?

Yes. lt would seem that it does. But how drunk; and what is drunk anyway? Never afraid to explore the boundaries of human endurance with monkeys, The Enquirer's highly sophisticated science department conducted a state of the art experiment ... e here in The Enquirer's state-of the-art science bunker have conducted an experiment. Our soothsayer's say that, by the time you are reading this, most of you should be nearing the end of your exams, if you haven't finished already. After many long weeks of late nights, blood-sweats and total dedication to your revision , chances are that, as soon as you are fin-

ished, you will feel like letting your hair jokes. down.

During pint four the fun really starts. His inhibitions have melted significantly by now, Now, our studies suggest that, for most so this seems like a good time to talk about students, celebrations involve alcohol. And , here at The Enquirer, we felt that it was our what he thinks he has achieved and his duty to systematically test the effects of this hopes for the future. We talk about our popular drug. To this end, we bought the chances in The Guardian media awards this year, and the University of York gets body and brains of a monkey that edits a local rag. Over the course of a few hours in mentioned. This enrages the editor and he launches into a tirade, banging his long the grad bar the other night, we selflessly forelimbs on the table in front of us: "York and systematically allowed the effects of alcohol on his system to be tested, while Vision are clearly sucking the cock of The noting the effects of drink on his brain Guardian Media Award's judges" he yells to through a series of rigorously designed anything that is listening, before telling an mental aptitude tests and his flip-top skull. unsuspecting bystander, who doesn't Of course, we all have something to celeappear to know him , that: "The Telegraph and The Times can suck my balls". The brate too: this will be his last ever issue of the paper, before his release back into the bystander doesn't understand monkey speak and so just looks baffled. This, natuleafy branches of the wild . rally, brings us onto the subject of what he By way of nurse-like small talk, we asked him what he was planning for the is going to be doing with his life once he is thrust from the bosom of UEA. "I might future through a series of ape-like gestures wor.k for The Guardian. If they begged me and grunting . We weren 't really listening with bananas" he says confidently "and, of before he had begun his first drink, instead we were subjecting him to a series of base- course, I would work for The Independentthey're genius. But not The Times. F**k The line tests to ascertain his reactions, memory and physical state.

Times. I'm not going to just spend my life writing some crap about what Dido is His reactions were good. He managed doing." Is this not a little harsh? "Well , I can to catch a ruler within 1Ocm of it being afford to critique the national papers, dropped, and he completed a card memory because I know I'm not going to work for game in 53 seconds. He then embarked on his first pint of ale, his drink of choice for them". Hmm. And is this because you are too much of a free spirit to be in the pocket the evening. of Murdoch? "No, I'm not going to work for As he is on the skinny side of average, it is estimated that each Y2 a pint of beer he them because I am too shit." Ah . There it is: drinks will raise his blood alcohol by around monkey self-loathing ..

We're on to pint five now, that's 150 15 mg%. So half an hour and one pint of mg%: "Am I off to pastures new?" says the Granny's later, his blood alcohol is around 30 mg%. This is still under the drink driving subject, when asked what parting words he would like recorded . He then answers his limit, and he seems perfectly sentient, although perhaps a littl e more relaxed than own question: "Only if the pasture is allowed a tent in it because I have nowhere he was on arrival. He's certain ly more talkto live." ative and doesn't seem that interested in "So I have no job to go to, and nowhere the opinions of others, but that's normal.

After 2 pints , his blood alcohol level is to live. I'll probably have to get a job in the porn industry. I would call myself Eric Van now around 60 mg%. He is now a little Lustbader. Actually I haven 't had any sex in uncoordinated. His reactions have slowed, and he now takes 60 seconds to complete ages. Which is a pity, because sex is good. the memory test: he's having a little difficulI'm leaving soon , so get it while you can". ty picking up the cards as they stick to the He makes a point of asking for that to be put in the article. "Now I must go to the slick of beer on the table top, and he pauses here and there to pick fleas out of his LCR" he says, as if the slu rred speech wasn 't a good enough indicator of how fur. drunk he is now. "Isn't AhHa's 'Take On Me' 3 pints later, with a blood alcohol level a great tune? A classic." And he gets up of around 90 mg%, his heart rate has increased while his blood pressure has and dances. By himself. dropped . The memory test now takes him over a minute and a half, and he gets very t this point he aggressive towards the game. 路He keeps loses the screeching "WHATEVER", revealing his previously buried chavvy side. Of course, thread of the all this beer has to come out as well as in: he now needs the toi- . . . . - - - - - - - - - . , - , . . . - - - - - - . let. As he makes his way to the gents, his walk is a little unsteady. After (eventually) returning from the toilet, his disinhibition becomes

apparent: he begins to make lurid suggestions towards females, and then tries to break the ice with tasteless

inability to evenpick up the cards.

Unfortunately the game is halted as he knocks his pin! over a female's skirt. This makes him

almost depressed, and most of the rest of the evening is spent apologising profusely, or mumbling "I haven't got a job; I'm going to waste away." We try to chee r him up with a game of Jenga which he enjoys obsessively, but he keeps mistaking his cigarette lighter for a Jenga-brick and vice-versa.

Towards the end of the evening he says "I think I overestimated my drinking prowess" No kidding.

At this point, soaked in beer and monkey spit, and ennervated by his constant apologi~s. we have to go home.

The UEA Enquirer

•

11

•

1n s I

researc

Having supplied the w9dd with Shit Research for many years, UEA has finally got the recognition it deserves.

UEA was hailed, yesterday, as the leading institution in shit research as shit experts from around the world gathered in Norwich . to pay homage to Professor Mike Wrack, coordinator of UEA's pioneering work in shit, for his careful identification of a number of subtly different turds.

Wrack has identified over three thousand varieties of crap as viable for further study in the last twenty four years. Since the famous Angelturd Hypothesis saw the professor make his name in the scientific community in the late seventies· (when he successfully proved to a stunned community of crap scientists at a conference in Milton Keynes that the miraculous disappearance of turds from the toilet bowl, before flushing, was due to the intervention of divine forces) his reputation for crap research has increased astronomically. In the late eighties, he followed through with his globeshaking Fairy Crap Theory: it was discovered, by Wrack, that the inexplicable absence of shittyness around the anus after a banging dump (thus avoiding the need to wipe), despite the turd's often quite malleable consistency, was due to Fairy Colonies that inhabit the rim of a number of people's latrines. Upon the up-splash following the deposit of a rocking log in a conventional toilet bowl, the Fairies, reacting to sound vibrations, increases in moisture, and the vocalizations of the crapping subject, sprinkle fairy dust around the bottom, magically dissolving all fecal residue on contact. lt was this pioneering research that heralded the onset of a golden age for British, and particularly Norwich-based, scientists.

Studies on Guinness-related defecatory disorder furthered our knowledge of black ' holes; explorations of the well-known Ring of Fire condition has contributed to a greater understanding of the surface of the sun and may yet lead to a breakthrough in Fusion Power; the Sloppy Aftermath Report of the mid eighties helped Britain towards its position as world-leader in engine lubricants, and investigations into the disappearance of white dog turds from Britain's pavements may yet help slow the effects of global warming, in particular the .melting of the polar icecaps.

At a tightly-packed research centre in Norwich, stacked up to the rafters, Mike Wrack addressed an excited crowd of shit-enthusiasts after accepting his award for increasing the · nation's knowledge of shit: "Shit today is the most exciting and quickly growing area

of scientific investigation" he told the large crowd, "whilst shit has been on the lips of British scientists for over two decades, in the last few years we have good deal of shit into the homes of the average person. We have seen shit on the television, shit on the radio and shit in the cinema. These days shit is discussed over the breakfast table as if it where the same as politics. There's shit all over the pla,ce". To rapturous applause, he c<>ntinued: "We're full of shit these days; people come up to me all the time and ask about shit. I hear shit at the bus stops, and in the train stations; in supermarkets and in church. There's

crap everywhere. Everyone's talking shit. I feel proud to have brought more shit into the world and hope that people continue to talk and study as much shit as possible for many years to come. lt is vital to our sur-

"We have seen shit on the television, shit on the radio and shit in the cinema.

These days shit is discussed over the breakfast table as if it where the same as politics." vival as a species."

However, some members of the UEA council are not convinced by the importance of scatological research, pointing out the list of other areas of studies that have been neglected. Catherine Zeta-Jones, spokeswoman for the protest group Down With Shit (DWS), to!d the Enquirer "UEA alone has over 14 separate laboratories dedicated to nothing but shit, employing over 85 full-time shit researchers; this is at the same time as the board of governors has

just announced its intentions to close LLT in order to invest an extra £500,000 a year into Professor Wrack's ever growing mountain of shit". She added "while, of course, we at DWS agree that shit research is an important area for scientific exploration, attracting a large amount of government and international funding to the university, we are worried that UEA is fast becoming a university comprised entirely of shit students".

Nevertheless, back at the shit conference, defenders of shit were quick to point to the mountain of recent discoveries made through Shit Studies, including the successful attempts, last week, of Norwegian group KrappenReSearch to produce shit on or around a shingle; not to mention Prof.

Wrack's own, more recent, much-hailed discovery of exactly what to do if you need to do a poo in an English country garden.

One excited student of Wrack's heaped his own further praise upon shit research, claiming the work that UEA has done on splash-back to be 'the best in the country'.

So, raise a glass to crap; it keeps many of us at university and employs numerous people all over the world. Without shit, where would we be? Yes, that's right; and without a paddle too.

..

The UEA Enquirer

12

The UEA Enquirer

12

11

If

11 DIAMONDS AREN'T FOREVER Although it's common knowledge that UEA was built on land that used to be a golf course, few are aware that, before golf was invented, the area was the largest diamond mine in the whole east of England.

Unscrupulous prospectors tricked the indiginous population - mainly swans - into signing away their rights to the land

and then made billions of pounds in profits, back in the days when £100 billion was a lot of money!

Even today, every few years a student is lucky enough to find a diamond just lying around the University and are able to pay off their fees, though the most frequent finds are the bones of the child slaves who died in the mines.

CHIMNEYS OF MYSTERY You'll be hard-pressed to find a member of staff who'll admit it, but no one knows what these chimneys are for. They're linked to a gigantic furnace in UEA's basement which is kept burning 24-hours a day by a team of engineers and stokers, but no one knows why. Over the years several theories have been offered, from a s~condary heating system, to a convienient place to dispose of sus-

pected witches at a moment's notice: As yet nothing has been proved and it doesn't look like a solution will be found any time soon. Some believe the only way we'll ever find out is to turn the furnace off and see what happens; so far, University bosses have ignored these suggestions, fearful that such actions may anger the Gods.

QUEEN FOR A. DAY? UEA was left embarrassed but releaved in 1996 when a police SWAT team finally succeeded in removing Maths Professor Constance Alexander who had established her own feudal kingdom. Prof. Alexander pursuaded a group of impressionable students to help her seize a section of corridor on the second floor, which they held with home-made weapons

fashioned from rulers and compasses. lt is thought the group could have held out indefinitely had Prof. Alexander not, ironically, failed to properly calculate the provisions they would require.

With only three tins of beans between them , the students quickly turned on each other, leaving the police to clear up the half-chewed remains.

LEARNING TO SURVIVE At present, UEA's lecture halls are so unsafe that students have only a 60% chance of making it through their degrees without suffering serious injury.

The situation is allowed to continue because national education safety laws have remained unchanged since the 17th Century when students were legally considered sub-human.

Hardly a day goes by without a

student tumbling down the uneven stairs electricuting themselves on hanging wires, or ripping open an artery on a pertruding nail.

"I suppose we could do something about it," said a UEA spokesperson, "but until patching the students up costs more than improvements to the building, I suspect we probably won't bother."

FOOD FOR THOUGHT The food's delicious and prices reasonable, but since it opened in 1984, the University's dining facilities have been plagued by catastrophes and death.

In 1987, a member of the catering team vanished while operating the vast mincing machine in the kitchens, only for their wallet to appear in someone's sausage role a week later.

In 1992 a fault with the mircowave lead to a vat of beans being heated to twice the temperature of the surface of the sun, disfiguring the 63 students who were fool enough to eat them.

Only last year the building was infested with rats, who thankfully quickly perished when they found the food stocks to be uttery inedible.

UNIVERSITY IS FLAGGING the mid-1970s, tors at UEA have able to communiate staff across campus a specially designed of semaphore. nding on which flag is raised and how high it is placed on the flag pole, staff can be ordered to carry out a range of tasks from raising or lowering marks to burning sen-

sitive documents.

There was chaos in January 1983 when one student prankster broke into the Registry and hoisted his ·underpants up the pole, little realising this was the signal for staff to don their radiation suits and flee to France. 22 years' later more than half of the History department's lecturers remain unaccounted for.

THE FIEND IN THE FOUNTAIN UEA's very own yeti-creature has been born as a reult of decades of sud-terrorism enacted on the foutain during the periods in which it is turned on.

The

While an overlooked aspect of the planning application, the new library extension is • t:::\JU IIJUt:::u

tO

pound of DAZ, algae and skin cells left by club initiates who are thrown in (often when the pool is empty) . lt first surfaced in 1999 and any violent tendencies are subdued by the grounds staff through ritual dance and the offering of garden waste, which it usually refuses. Students are advised not to tease the fiend; it's a very sensitive creature.

tha.t the student population become too unruly. lt boasts full tripedal combat mobility and a startling array of weaponry. On activation. the library will shut down all nonessential functions and draw on the vast military archives for its combat tactics.

Most of the network shutdowns are due to a restless library cerebrum.

The UEA Enquirer

14

>

e.

The Enquirer sends its chief Travel reporter on the adventure honday of a lifetime. This is his story... ~ I recently took an adventure holiday to South East Asia. The adventure began"far sooner than expected as our pilot decided it was best for us to make an 'emergency' landing in the Atlantic Ocean. He blamed this on a lightning strike to the left jet engine. The effects they used to simulate 11 the disaster were most impressive, tho~gh many of my fellow passengers seemed to be overeacting, I tried to explain.that it was all part of the package we'd paid for but)hey had apparently become far too 7ngrossed in the act to listen. At this point 1 my memories get somewhat vague, though I distinctly remember a large man shouting at me for not moving quickly enough when trying to get my Discman from the overhead compartment, but I'd be damned if I

was going to spend the next few hours floating around the ocean without some musical accompaniment.

I awoke to find that the crew, passengers and myself had abandoned the plane and were happily floating in the Atlantic. I'd never had to do ·this before, despite the fact that it is talked about every time I board a flight. My inexperience in such situations was quickly revealed to my fellow travellers, as for several hours I foolishly mistook my emergency whistle for the air top-up tube of my life jacket. After several hours of fruitless whistle-blowing my fellow travellers corrected me on my schoolboy error by forcefully relieving me of my whistle and administering a short, sharp blow to my head with the remains of plane seat {which conveniently ,

I awoke to find that the crew, passengers . and myself had abandoned the plane and were · happily floating in the Atlantic"

..

doubled as a floatation device).

This presumably served as some kind of initiation for beginners. I was yet again impressed by the special effects being used on this adventure trip; while I was ·

To avoi'd the mlsadventures that befell our intrepid reporter, remember: do as the dog do and always wear a lifejacket.

asleep they had laid I out various "' ., Y floating 'victims' f"'" of the crash (more about these later). ~ ~-----------------------------------------------------------, Eventually we located a very con-· venient (though small) desert island and we swam up to the beach. Once there I chipped in on the creation of a make-shift shelter, ·1made a joke about how our pilot must have taken a 'crash' course in piloting but no-one seemed amused. lt seems that those who love adventure do not necessarily enjoy humorous wordplay. A few hours after we reached the island the prosthetic 'crash' victims began to wash up on the island's shore, it was decided that these would provide us with food for a few days (cooked on a fire we had made earlier from wood scraps from the island and airline headphone sets). In a most impressive twist, not only did these dummies look very realistic, when ·cooked they also tasted a great deal like chicken (I assume that there were Soya alternatives for the vegetarian adventurers). Being hungry I eagerly wolfed down these pre-arranged snacks, though many of my fellow travellers seemed upset.

Perhaps because I had called dibs on the bi,Jttocks of several of the 'bodies' as 11 t· they were being X I I prepared, though given how many of them simply left large portions of their shares their h. complaints seem entirely unfounded ,

LOW COST All FAIR WITH SLZN.GSHOT FL:I HTS

~ft~re~

DON,T BE BOUN·DBY AIRPORT LOCATIONS. PRICE INCLUDES FLIGHT ONLY. LANDING MATTRESS BY ARRANGEMENT WITH COUNTRY OF DESTINATION ONLY

lect me on my own, allowing me to have a helicopter to myself was a very sweet gasture by my fellow travellers, and it confirmed in my mind that I had been wrong when I previously worried that perhaps they didn't like me all that much.

Although I thoroughly enjoyed my adventure holiday, I was greatly upset to find that all of my luggage and possessions had been lost by the company - I was told that this was an unavoidable aspect of the 0 plane's explosion, but 1 think it would be~only courteous_tor the travel agents to mform you that your possessions may be ~estroyed durmg the tnp. If I had known that this woul.d

E h·b· f mg a sense humour that they'd seemed to sorely lack throughout the trip, my fellow adventurers okingly refused .to share a elicopter with me, leaving me on the island for an extra ~a~~~~d~n~~~~~!rtam24 hours." packed my favourite

few days of eating the really quite tasty chicken . 'corpses' we were found by a passing fishing boat who contacted land and had helicopters sent out to pick us up. Exhibiting a sense of humour that they'd seemed to sorely lack throughout the trip my fellow adventurers then jokingly refused to share a helicopter with me, leaving me out on the island for an extra 24 hours while the local Spanish coastguard

Garfield T-shirt (the one where he's eating lasagne - boy does that cat LOVE lasagne). I also found my fellow travellers to be rather miserable cornpany. At times they were constantly crying, ·shouting at me for being 'insensitive', and talking at length about their families, instead of enjoying the experience, but I guess that's just the luck of the draw in such matters.

15

The UEA Enquirer

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wrth those of tile nower power clrque <Jnd to

!:nally revealed the most ar trc.+pilted revelatron of the arwum You wrll I a, e found

~ree

-~------------------------------------r-----------------,

Quercus Robur

Corylus Avellana Contorta

Fagus Sylvatica

Abies Alba

COMMON OAK

CORKSCREW HAZEL

EUROPEAN BEECH

SILVER FIR

Height: Spread: Hugabilty: Gaia: Flower: Fruit

150ft 120ft g6% 0.]

1/8 27

10ft 12ft 17% 0.8 1/8 31

Height: Spread: Hugabilty: Gaia: Flower: Fruit

flex Aquifoliun

Larix Kaempferi

ENGLISH HOLLY

JAPANESE LARCH

Height: Spread: Hugabilty: Gaia: Flower: Fruit

of the Year I

SOfT'e thrs wrll always be a dec1drr g factor

30ft infinite 2% 0-4 1/8 28

Height: Spread: Hugabilty: Gaia: Flower: Fruit

Height: Spread: Hugabilty: Gaia: Flower: Fruit

6oft 45ft 57% o.s 1/16 3

Height: Spread: Hugabilty: Gaia: Flower: Fruit

135ft 45ft 20% 0.3 1/4 32

Pinus Sylvestris

Betula Pendula

SCOTS PINE

100ft 30ft 81% o.g 1/4 32

Height: Spread: Hugabilty: Gaia: Flower: Fruit

soft 20ft 82% 0.6 1/8 15

Height: Spread: Hugabilty: Gaia: Flower: Fruit

8oft soft 68% o.s 1/16 33

Salix Babylonica

Platanus Acerifolia

Castanea Saliva

Corylus Colura

WEEPING WILLOW

LONDON PLANE

SWEET CHESTNUT

TURKISH FLIBERT

Height: Spread: Hugabilty: Gaia: Flower: Fruit

soft 40ft 26% 1 1/8 19

Height: Spread: Hugabilty: Gaia: Flower: Fruit

go ft 8oft 7S% 0.8 1/8 16

Height: Spread: Hugabilty: Gaia: Flower: Fruit

100ft soft 66% 0.]

31

Height: Spread: Hugabilty: Gaia: Flower: Fruit

""!'

soft 30ft 42% 0.1 1/8 1/2

~------------------------------------------------------L-----------------J

I

_j

The UEA Enquirer

16

OUR PROBLEMS SOLVED Prof. Roderick Mulhapton Filkington-Phipps, Rodders to his friends, senior economic adviser to the World Bank and the IMF gives informed counsel to your personal problems.

Dear Rodders

Dear Rodders

we come to the end of our contract in our student house . the strain of examinations is starting to take its toll on my housemates. They are beginning to fall out and arguments are a regular occurence. of them don't even bother talking to each after one of them called the other a honTible little tartwhore-from-hell: in the heal of the moment. Can you help?

In the past year I have had numerous boyfiiencls; going from one passionate love affair to the other without a thought for my own safety. Despite an insatiable urge for all the things male and manly I always end up thinking that I could do better. with each one falling short of my demanding crileiia. As I'm now cracking on, my biological clock is starting to lick like a Peter Pan's crock. But if I'm never to be happy. how do I know when I should settle clown and stop looking around?

Yours Beleaguered Dear Beleaguered, The act of ge~ting on with one's housemates has indeed some external benefits to others in the house. and as such , students provide a level of this livily b elow the social optimal. One can easily onstrate this by assuming their only two houseles. i= 1.2 and denoting individual i's utility function as Ui=Gxt where G is the total social activity tecl by all in the house, and xi is any other non -social activity clone by i. Adding a lime constraint such that T=Gi+xi and finding the Nash equilibrium, one can find that the individual will find it optimal to spend only a third of their lime socialising. Gi=0.33 when in fact Gi=0.5, would maximise total welfare within the house.

In a repeated game with incomplete information . one would expect agents lo tend towards this Nash behaviour as the end game - the end of the contract - approaches. simply as a product of rational maximisation. Get over il, my f1iencl.

Yours Hot-as-a-hot-dog Dear Hot-as-a-hot-dog This is a simple optimal stopping problem. It is in fact optima l to follow a reservation rule where you should stop searching and remain with your current mate, once you you find the utility of that mate exceed a reservation value , r. To find the level of r. assume that potential mates are ex ante identical and of value x . where x is distributed with a cumulative probability function. F(x) over the possible ranges xbottom to xtoP,. Further. define the cost of finding and acquiring each potential mate as c. then r is the value of x that sets c equal to the integral of (x-r) clx over the range of x.

Go away. calculate r. and if you value your current boyftiend at a level less than this. then chuck him as on average you will expect profit from finding someone better.

Corrections and Clarifications Bill Murray did not invent the Murray mint. as wrongly asserted in our article "Murray's Mint".

B1ilney Spears did not get pregnant by "kissing a boy" (Health and Lifestyle , 4th May 2005).

We apologise for the unfortunate typos in the feature "King Cnut- a Man of the People".

Contrary to what some readers have inferred from our feature ''Young and Succulent". The UEA Enquirer does not condone the raising of children as a food supply.

Keilh Hanis and Orville are not. and have never been. romantically involved.

Due to a computer error. page 17 of the last issue was printed in Wingdings.

It is not possible to fly if you flap your arms hard enough. as suggested in our article "You can fly".

We are sincerely sony for the shards of glass which injured so many of our readers last Thursday.

Including a free vase seemed like a good idea at the time.

Issue dated February 6th was a mistake.

by Jim

Life ...

l \\

Jim is paid over ÂŁ200,000 a year

路17

The UEA Enquirer

WIMP BRITAIN

HIDE YOUR GRANDMOTHERS, IT'S...

FIGHTING POND SCUM LESSONS TO BE LEARNED If there's one thing The Enquirer won't stand for, it's gangs of kids roam ing the streets at night wearing baseball caps throwing decent, law-abiding citizens into portds.

These days, hardly an hour goes by without some report of someone being put into a pond against their will. This behaviour is bad for pond dwellers, bad tor the ponds and bad tor this country. How are we supposed to lead Europe and the World if we can't even keep our own citizens out of ponds?

The only answer is to take the baseball caps off these young troublemakers and beat them round the faces with them.

Maybe once they've felt what a good sharp cap in the face feels like they'll show a little respect and use the ponds for what they're supposed to be used for dumping old mattresses and swigging cans of extra strength cidar next to.

What kind of crazy world are we living in when stabbing and th ieving are taught in our schools?

These aren't the skills our children need to ensure the Britain of tomorrow leads Europe and the World. Where are the classes on moral fortitude, or stiff upperlippedness?

Instead of helping our sons to be doctors and lawyers and our daughters to be jet pilots, teachers are forced to fill in a 28 page form everytime they want to pick up a pen, a difficult and time consuming conundrum when they need the pen to fill in the form. And when they do finally succeed, the lessons that follow are filled with filth and, even worse, Media Studies.

If we're not careful the British Education System will turn our children into werewolves. And no one wants that, people work hard enough without their own offspring ripping out their throats.

Why can't we beat our own kids? The whole of Britain has gone sappy, we say at The Enquirer. We're a bunch of lazy liberal do-gooders with flowers up our bums and perfume in our hair. Gone are the good old days when people were peolple and everything was in its place. There's no respect anymore and we're all too wimpy to do anything about it. We're so cowardly, we're almost French! How are we supposed to lead Europe and The World if we can't beat our children within an,inch of their lives for looking at us funny? Or thrash them with spiked maces for not finishing their meals or asking permission before leaving the table?

Not only are they throwing the infirm and elderly into ponds, kids these days are also running around with scissors, speaking when they're not spoken to, crossing the road without looking both ways and wearing jeans on Sundays. Name me one twelve year old who can tie a bowtie properly. Exactly. That's why the prisons are so full. If we could gas children, or fry them in the electric chair every time they stepped out of line then we'd soon all be living in the world the decent, hard-working law abiding rest of us deserve. Stop listening to European bureaucrats and thwack kids with spanners, we say.

Thought this issue was particularly great? Has it changed your life forever? Why not send us a nice letter?

Dear Sir, I find it curious that The Enquirer advocates the ritual burning of witches yet refuses to extend its policy to other members of the magic community. David Copperfield was outed as a magician merely a witch in modern form - many years ago, yet he remains resolutely unsinged by the powers of vigilantism . I hope that your paper will be at the forefront of the rectification of this situation , and enclose a 6ft wooden stake and a box of matches for your convenience .

David Brick London Sir, The recent decision to ban thugs from wearing so-called "hoodies" in a Kent shopping centre is one step not far enough. it is no coincidence that these "hoodies" are named after the same American ghetto, or "hood", that inspired such appallingly violent rap artists such as PainFULL and Roger The Kneecapper. I propose that the overgarments in question are renamed to promote a more reasonable sense of community amongst the young. Who would want to commit rape or violent crime while wearing a "municipal garden"? Certainly not me.

Yours, Goliath Gladstory Brighton Municipal Gardens Sir, Re. the amusing company name submitted

by Catherine Hugs (Letters, 4th May). A

law firm near me is run by the unlikely partnership of Munneygrabbing and Bastard.

Noah (not the one with the flood) Birmingham Dear Sir, Botox? No-tox, more like! What makes these people think injecting poison into themselves is a good idea? Do I drink bleach to make my skin paler? No, no I don't. If I wanted to look like a turkey in a wind tunnel I'd stand in a wind tunnel.

Regards, Verity Habitable Romford Dear Sir, Congratulations on the resounding success of your "Cheese not Fees" campaign against the malnutrition-of over-taxed students. Thanks to the efforts of The Enquirer, my son can once again enjoy a balanced diet.

Love and kisses, Mum Sir, Why isn't Boris Johnson featured more regularly in your paper? His tousled blond hair and bumbling disposition always bring a smile to one's face over the morning cornflakes.

Yours, T. Belch Rhodesia

芦

Sir, So Sir Percival Grebe, inventor of edible money and prominent champion of the "Spend Yourself Thin" diet, is short of cash .

May I suggest we organise a whip-round?

Jim Cricket Chester Hello, Are you in financial dire straits? Do you want to consolidate your debts into twentyseven easy and manageable payments?

Then call NoMoneyNoProblem and ask for Steve.

Steve Dear Sir, Yesterday, at great expense to the taxpayer, I was arrested for punching a man in the face. What kind of society do we live in where a respectable adult is not allowed to beat up his own brother on private property and with the consent of at least one of the two parties concerned? it's bureaucracy gone mad.

Sir, Wot do u fink u is doin writn bout poltics n shit? Who cares neway if Blair as sex 5 tyms a nite? U is all sick.

L8r, Jxx Dear Sir, I agree unreservedly with your editorial line on the ousting of the letters "q" and "u" from the alphabet. The "qu" format is outdated and can sensibly be replaced with the simpler "kw", which is both easier to read and more pleasing on the eye. By reducing the alphabet by these two letters we will also rid the world of queues and the Queen , both of which , I'm sure you will agree, can only be a positive thing.

Yours truly, Kwentin (formerly Quentin) Crumble The Pedants/'s/s' Society

Dear Sir, Am I alone in noticing the distinct resemblance between Abigail Fish and a haddock? Does anyone know of any other celebrities who look like their names?

Dear Sir, While I too admire the progressive stance adopted by Rev. Twerp in your article 'Hymns and Pimps' I can't help but feel a little unsettled at the prospect of Europe's 'The Final Countdown' being introduced into the traditional funeral service. Am I also to assume that your headline contained an error? I was most disappointed to find the article littered with references to the popular alcoholic beverage, rather than that which initially aroused my interest.

Bradley Beanpole Bradford

Rev. Fistthorpe, Surrey, Nepal.

Stanley Cross Leeds Anti-Bureaucracy Society (LABS)

..

;.

ne UEA Enquirer

18

Classified Ads WANTED WANTED : reli gious artefacts with supernatu ral powers, preferably nothing that will melt or age the owner, but anything considered .

Reasons to be cheerful.

An infinite number of tea sets. No particular reason .

And some nappies.

An Editor for The UliA Enquirer. Seriously. Contact the Concrete office if you're interested.

Pedant, any colou r or size.

Pog. Half pig, half dog. Is it possible?

Infinite number of monkeys.

No particular reason .

Reason to place this ad.

Limbs wanted, four just seems too few. Willing to swap right arm.

One room for an elderly male. Must be waterproof. . Will pay a lot.

Hilarious ringtone.

Something that will really announce me to the world and emphasise my individuality. Own personality so far insufficient. I like frogs.

Battery-operated No jokers please.

gherkin .

A job, asap. Please call M. Howard.

Bearded man, funny looking: a bit brown. Not nice.

Call me, George B. Map of everything. Can pay in kind .

Need lid unscrewed from Marmite. Please help, am hungry.

Infinite number of bananas.

No particular reason .

-~

Decent proof-readers, The. Guardina Violent dog.

Original ideas/story writers.

Will pay 1Op per word . Send applications to P. Magrs.

Your soul. Will offer anything in return . Call A. Crowley.

Porsche, in red. Wi ll pay with one elderly woman , good at knitting, poor on dates and names before 1962.

Small island to rule. I reckon I'd be good at it.

New word to express unexpected emotion. Is it love?

Infinite number of small , pink leather trousers . No particular reason.

-•

76,000 watches for temporal experiment. No timewasters.

Buckingham Palace. Some ownership issues to resolve.

Confident of fi nal settlement. No refund s.

Alphabetical calculator.

Discarded prototype. Price: £KGV

Hats.

Visa, for me working. Am to be money for family eating.

No like factory, want big pounds.

Some tucking peace and quiet.

One hard white dog tu rd. I found one! Collector's item, £500 ono One mug black coffee. Two sugars. Half price as gone cold.

Empty notebook. Run out of ideas.

Fingerless gloves. Have fingers, so don't fit. A bargain at £2.

PERSONALS

air, accidentally released from balloon, so now can't get home.

Lost: Dignity. And one pair of fake plastic breasts.

Please return.

Lost: Will to live. Will pay... ah , tuck it.

VAIN MAN , 32, ·hoping to meet attractive woman 2030. Must have perfect eye sight to continually verify how incredibly attractive I am.

Found: Bolivia: it's just next to Paraguay!

WLTM: Blonde woman made of breasts. No fatties.

Lost: Bull Terrier, repl ies to name of Goebells.

Especially likes pork. No reward.

Lost: Putney and a number of other seats. Please return. Call Tony.

Tony, Thanks for the lovely meal and the nice chat.

Looking forward to the next three years. Gordon.

Lost: Identity. Reply someone. Forget name.

WLTM: Intelligent There must be one.

man .

Lost: Belgium. Hole in map.

Would like replaced .

26 year old, blonde, 5ft 4in narcissist seeks 26 year old, blonde, 5ft 4in woman for gazing.

Lost: One oak tree. Last seen in the park across the road.

to

Twig . £5. Or £1.50 per inch .

Roy Walker. Where is he?

Struggling first-division footTop trumps, Cathedral Cities ball team . Russian billioncollection . Someone must - aires only, please. No Scots. have some.

Enormous Yorkshi re pudVery small yellow pebbles ding. Baked in error. because they're so pretty, aren 't they? No answer Overweight white male with unnatural interest in gramneeded. mar. Will swap for pendant.

FOR SALE FOR SAIL: four sails, hardly used. Would suit dingy or yacht, but not a catamaran as I don't agree with them.

One large oak tree. Quick sale.

Cats, stuffed with cheese! A new craze.

Contact Interactive Snacks.

Two brain cells only. Rubbed together by two owners.

Need other three. Please call Dan Quayle.

Small of back. Too small.

One previous owner.

Rabbits. Lots of rabbits for quick sale. Please call UEA. Even more rabbits. Please call soon.

Milton Keynes . £750 ono.

Sixteen winks, current numbe r of twenty-four insufficient.

18 ft. matchstick model of Ford KA, took three years to build. Now unsure of reason .

Suitable for firewood.

Due to an administrative error, we were not able to print any advertisers' numbers this issue. No refunds.

Fou r 12" pizzas, all pepperan i, 600 3" fish _ pizzas, seven kebabs , no chilli sauce , eighteen garlic breads and a raddish , ordered insincerely by prank caller from Glasgow. Need quick sale as fish doesn't keep. No jokers, please.

Some stuff I found lying around. £25 ono.

Chocolate teapot. Useless.

One Ring . More trouble than it's worth .

Short-necked giraffe.

Disproves Mendel's theory of genetic inheritance.

Should probably be destroyed.

Chewing gum. Chewed. Two owners. £50.

Reliant Robin . Current one keeps stealing birdseed and turns up late.

Sl ightly homophobic joke.

No longer funny.

Used chapstick . hence £1 .

Used,

Bunch of roses. Bastard bought me them because he was sleeping with my sister. Free to good home, or anyone willing to stick them up his arse.

Tu rd on a lead! Take your turds for a walk, on ly £25.

Contact Waste Innovation .

Reliant Robin . One wheel missing , so can only go round corners. £50 ono.

Tea cosy. No holes for handle or spout. Possibly u_?eful as hat.

WLTM: woman who has seen and remembers second half of Lethal Weapon Il l. Have seen first half: went blind during News at Ten .

Must also like cats.

Tony, Do you remember that meal we had? I do. Gordon.

6ft, 9 st. 1Olbs Software Engineer wltm someone.

WLTM: Intelligent woman .

There must be one.

Festively plump optim ist wltm Brazillian swimsuit model for sex.

Man , 36, Oedipus complex, wltm mother figure with expendable partner.

Tony, Give me your job you lying bastard . Gordon .

F 28YO s p, wltm p m 2530YO gsoh NS SI , ~re f. W/E One-legged man would like to meet one-legged woman for country walks. - Bipeds also considered.

WLTM: Anyone. Human an advantage.

Bubbly brunette wltm man 25-35 with gsoh. I'm not fat.

LOST & FOUND· LOST: 300 cubic feet of hot

Lost: Answer. Might blowing .in wind.

way.

Are you hollow? Become a guitar with Jereilly's Human Orchestra. Strings supplied.

Beagles! Still suffering nicotine withdrawal? Call now to be reunited with an old friend.

Gullible people needed for trip to moon . Meet on Wednesday in the park.

Bring ladders.

miscellaneous Looking for a life-changing experience? Hoping for a single event that will infuse your existence with purpose and meaning? Aren't we all .

Don't C9-ll me with your petty, infantile problems.

I finally completed my Jigsaw of Tony Benn, took me 12 1/4 years. Just wanted to tell someone.

be

Found: Jesus. lt was easy, just look under 'J'!

Lost: My advise.

stay. Degree not necessary.

Call Norwich Union.

Please

Found: Amarillo. lt's in Texas. Please stop asking me.

Found: Six feet of lower intestines. Contains pork.

I'm guessing someone needs this? Not the pork.

Have you ever woke up in the morning and thought: "You know what I want? I want a remote control bed that I can drive around the whole city." it's here! 8all Steve · Vigilante group, meeting Thursday outside mysterious windmill. Bring pitchforks, steaks and flaming torches.

Do too many cooks spoil the broth? Find out at Mandy's soup night, all welcome.

Lost: Small child. About 7.

Answers to a name beginning with 'f' . Male. No, wait, female. Last seen in a stairwell in Tower Hamlets.

Doctor needed to outline difference between arse and elbow. Call Student's Union.

Recruitment

Scared? Bereaved? Lonely?

Depressed?

Anxious?

Unemployed?

Call Dr Lovely's Platitudes Hotline for instant reassurance.

COCKNEY CHILDREN needed to start illegal chimney sweeping business.

Terrible co nditions, worse pay. Contact 'That guy out of Mary Poppins'.

Stupid? Then work for me, call Dave on.

The Elucidated -Brethren For the Fu rtherme nt and Betterment of the Glorious Brussel Sprout meeting, Wednesday, 3pm , allotments (23546 (b)). Bring brussel sprouts.

Needed: Bass guitarist! song-writer for rock band.

Must be my brother.

Have you literally got ants in your pants? Contact Dave's Pest Control for confidential advice and disinfection.

Students with no definite plan, direction or ambition ; those desperate for rent money also desirable. Must be able to convince us you'll

Mercenaries needed. Meet me, near Town Hall , on Thursday. Problem needs solving. No one else can help.

,

The UEA Enquirer

19

~ou

ta eta â&#x20AC;˘ ut can you walk the wa.lk?

I

The walk of shame (W.O.S.) is an unavoidable element of your University existence. The Enquirer walks that walk with you and offers handy advice on how to best survive it.

I

n every silver lining sits a cloud. Vodka equates vomit, New Look means no money, and it's inevitable that a wonderful night means a nasty walk of shame.

For those of you not in the know, this disgraceful promenade is the trail one traces after spending the night with a lover, while in your clothes from the night before.

Here's the guide on how to get it right.

O nce you have woken up in the armpit of your beloved and realised that a) he's not that hot b) there's something sticky on your leg and c) you've got a lecture in half an hour; exit sharpish. lt's probably best not to entertain the idea of breakfast, as it will only result in conversation; probably more vomit, and the recollection of what else has been in your mouth.

Also avoid catching the eyes of the waiting ensemble of his housemates, who heard in detail exactly how much fun was had last night.

Once on the road it's necessary to

look for local landmarks in order to farrfilarise yourself with this potentially unexplored part of Norwich.

This may prove tricky if you're still drunk. In this case just keep walking until you reach anything that vaguely looks like home.

The re is nothing quite like the looks you will receive when wandering the wicked walk. You will find that cars slow, horns beep and eyes roll. Many will try to make you. feel sha mefu l for yo ur sa unter but it is to be expected that a post-coital glow will afford you looks-a-plenty.

Accept the jealousy of those on the early morning commute with the class and grace you will have gathered ; remaini ng smug in the knowledge that you got some last night.

Some of the worst glances can be found on Earlham Road. This ambulance route also leads to the cemetery so expect feelings of selfloathing and indignity.

First years will know that the surefire way to feel as crap as your morning after face looks , is to totter from Norfolk to Waveney. The

chances of being spotted by someone you know increases rapidly and trying to explain your mini, stilettos and UEA Pirates hoody is always awkward.

O n the rare occasion that your bed fellow decides to accompany you home, it's best to offer him adoring glances and grip his hand with vehemence. This should hint to passers-by that you've been going out for years, and of course you know his surname; and his first name.

If you're still on speaking terms it's also wise to shroud your modesty in one of his larger jumpers.

Occasionally this means that he will be forced to see you again, though not always.

Once home safely, you can regale your flatmates with the fun and frolics of the night before. it's likely that you'll find yourself yelling, "My life is a joke", at anyone that cares. You will also probably decide to dedicate the rest of your days

W.O.S. essentials 1) A scarf is always a good idea, hides a multitude of love bites.

2) A map may help, especially if its handbag sized.

3) Fake moustaches are perfect to pop in your purse, making a great disguise on difficult

to doing something crazy like concentrating on your course. You' ll also swear abstinence from now

until graduation . Don't worry all these feelings will pass, and next week you can do it all again.

&-==-==-==-=--=======-=-==---------------..

TJictoria 's iJintage Cmporium

-

'we'll buy what 0 ¡ .fmn turn away"

With thanks to: ELLS, HRB and the many men, without which the Walk of Shame would not be possible.

proud sellers of second-hand tat since 1997 fill .

)

FILM Death Beast IV: Bloodlust of Death Beast After a catastrophic attempt at a new direction with Death Beast Il l: Death Beast Makes Cakes , the Death Beast franchise returns to what it does best with this fourth instalment: following titular anti-hero Death Beast as he rips out the lungs and kidneys of his many, many enemies.

This time, Death Beast (sensitively played , as ever, by ex-Gaelic footballer Paddy Chen) travels to Las Vegas to attend a motivational speaking confer.ence , but soon fi nds himself embroiled in a web of intrigue, lies and guts. Part IV is by far the most violent, but also the most poignant of the series so far. Early in the film Death Beast falls in love with a crippled air stewardess (Dame Judi Dench) leaving him to ponder whether an 18-foot tall armour-plated vampire giraffe might actually have a chance of

-

.,.

The Scent of Love Many less observant critics have claimed that Hank 'Rocking' Smith JR's debut feature represents the lowest of Hollywood trash. Those critics are wrong for a number of reasons. The enigmatically titled The Scent of Love is a fi lm about two sales assistants in the perfume department of a Manhattan department store , played by Jennifer Lopez and Nicole Kidman, who was reportedly convinced of the quality of the film when she read the script for Michael Kaufman's latest project with the title

happiness and salvation. The scene where he fina lly, agonising ly, chooses to rip out her 1ungs and kidneys is one of the most powerful, heart-rending, hilari-

ous moments in the history of cinema.

Yet the film is not without problems.

First time director Raphael BonesHowison, the creative genius behind the

crossed out and The Scent of Love scrawled on the front in crayon . Although the narrative, in which the two shop girls compete for customers and men, whilst of course maintaining their integrity as independent women , seems standard romantic fare ; it is obvious, on closer inspection , that the director is paradoxically using the genre's cliched iconography ironical ly in order to deconstruct our perception of Hollywood's cinematic conventions .

This process is exemplified by Lopez's wonderful ironic performance, which if you weren't carefu l you might mistake for the bad acti ng of a co nce ited , sluttish pop-star out of her depth.

Indeed the setting of the perfume count-

er provides us wi th a metaphori c subtextual reference to the cosmetic nature of modern society, and the fact that much of the film's first ten minutes (or at least the bit before the theme song) happens inside the department store makes it a clear critique of consumer capitalism .

Things take a dramatic turn when Lopez accidentally blinds a customer by spraying a perfume sample into his face. George Clooney, who was reportedly cast at the last minute after his family were mysteriously kidnapped by a group of zealous Hollywood terrorists who call themselves the Sprocket Holes, plays the man who must now come to terms with his blindness, whilst Lopez, traumatised by guilt, quits her

described by Pablo Freidmarsh in the Guardian as 'really ... quite ... good' . A must read for any cocktail party frequenting culture vulture. Following her success, Frapworth may have signed a thirty-book deal with an advance of ÂŁ25 million, according to one wide-eyed Bloomsbury source. Th is has rattled Faber, who famous ly turned the author do~n after her manuscript was discovered in the office slush pile and 'handed, watery-eyed around the office with the all the literary appeal of a viciously ripe turd. Seriously, people wouldn't touch it without gloves on' - never mind, Peter Walsh-Convillel The year's other literary behemoth was Parsimony Dunckan's Black Bitch - a controversial thriller about one Afro-

Caribbean woman's struggle to escape a sexually arid marriage to lead the life of an under-cover prostitute fo r her new lover, Brad ley Armington . Winner of the Orange prize for Fiction Most Successfully Tapping a Niche Market, Dunckan's 700 page monster is reputed not to have been read by anyo ne.

Parsimony, when confronted , tired and emotional , with her head resting briefly on a coffee table, explained: 'it's not up to me to read my books, darling. I just write them. I just write them , darling.'

What wise words and how delightfully true, god bless her!

The third book on The Enquirer's mustread list for this year is Nicholas Horn sch lu rp's high seas adve ntu re The Hungry Sailor. Famed for its controver-

Norwich Union 'Quote Me Happy' advertising campaign , has trouble with the pacing of a full feature. Though it is clear what he was attempting in alternating back and forth between shots lasting 7 seconds and 6 minutes, it doesn't quite work; indeed one of my eyes was bleeding fo r days afterwards. Also questionable is the decision to have the major characters communicate on ly through authentic 17th Century sea shanties.

But these are minor concerns compared to the orgy of violence and elabou rate dance routines for which the Death Beast franchise is so rightly beloved around the world . The climactic sequence where Death Beast rapes a sq uadron of tanks into submission to the tune of the Spice Girls' 2 Become 1 beats even his clash with 1 ,000 Stalins in Death Beast 11: Death Beast Vs. 1,000 Stalins.

In short, this is the most fun , delightful release from Disney in the last decade.

Maybe they'll be OK without Pixar after all! job. Throughout the cou rse of the fi lm she gradually falls in love with him and he returns her feelings, although still unaware that his new lover is the woman who blinded him in a touch of dramatic irony worthy of Shakespeare. In order to raise the money for his cornea transplant Lopez must turn to arms trafficking in the ghettos, risking her life on a daily basis from a group of black gangsters (all played with gusto by Eddie Murphy), but driven on by love .

When Jennifer Lopez was asked how she found working with Nicole Kidman she responded by puffing out her chest and singing the fil m's theme, which is her latest single.

LITRICHURE Must Reads

by Katrianna Flopp it's been a busy year in Soho Square.

The sheer quantity of volumes shoveled onto the shelves by the nation's publishers is simply marvelous. Early in the year, Georgia Frapworth's Lotty's Lot one woman's struggle to escape a drab, stifling domestic prison of a marriage to a well-meani ng, but sexually disappointing, former brain-surgeon-turned-UNaid-worker husband - was a runaway success, landing the Witless first novel award for its author and sending Bloomsbu ry's coke-fuelled share prices soaring. lt is an impressive debut,

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sial and seminal ideas on Cannibalism , The Hungry Sailor charts one man's struggle to escape to an island where eating man-flesh is more readily accepted . lt won this year's coveted Mann Brooker Prize for it's 'virulent, uncompromising and visceral prose'. Whatever that means, Todd Larson of The lndependentl But, this writer's favourite for this year has to be Angie's Del ight, Georgia Frapworth's second novel of the year describing one frustrated and creative woman's struggle to rid herself of the shackles of a sexually restrained marriage to discover the delights of free love on an island off the Cornish Coast - a perfect com panion to quiet nights in fro nt of the fire . Get reading!

The Killers

ALBUM OF THE WEEK

No Really, The Eighties Weren't That Bad Fresh from their quest to reduce all daytime radio to a succession of unadventurous choruses through constant rehashing of their one decent chord change (about a minute into Mr Brightside), The Killers have returned with their sophomore effort. And bugger me with a fish fork if it isn't just as uninspired as their over-worshipped debut.

With tracks like Look At Me, I Have A Synthesiser and Being lndie Makes Me Sensitive, And Vice Versa it's clear that they've got their demographic sewn up even if the music is just as bland as anything on Hot Fuss. In fact, this is the same album with different titles - back to the top of the charts go they.

Somewhere, someone is weeping at the sheer injustice of it all.

Michael Jackson Fisting Small Boys Is Like Morning Walks (When The Dew Is Fresh) Choosing the admirably non-commercial route, this album (recorded from deep in solitary where the nasty media can't reach him) is composed entirely from Jackson's warped musings on the best way to fit a 35-piece dinner set into a small boy. Thirteen tracks of atonal ramblings set to a soundtrack of nursery rhymes and occasionally broken up by the odd prison riot, When The Dew Is Fresh (the official title) is an alarmingly honest depiction of what it's like being completely insane but with practically limitless resources.

With guest production from Jermaine Dupri and some lyrics written by Mariah Carey, this is only marginally worse than Invincible.

U2 The Pope Is Dead (But I Was Always Better) Released to coincide with the sale of the merchandising rights to Pope John-Paul's life, U2's bold new album was apparently recorded intermittently between 1997 and 2003, the years Bono particularly started to believe his own hype.

The effective opener Check Me Out, God segues neatly into Me Me Me, Wouldn't /t Be Nice If Everyone Was As Great As Me, set to be the first single. The Pope Is Dead works so well precisely because it tracks Bono's ego into the stratosphere from mortality towards the sainthood he so richly covets. A window into the mind of a man who literally could not get any more amazed with his excellence.

Damien Rice Boo Fucking Hoo Now isn't this a surprise. The one-time prince of generic sensitivity and Hallmark emotion brings out a nu-metal album, proving that songs about girls are indeed universal. Standout tracks include Violated Maiden and I Enjoy Cultivating

Facial Hair, with the latter in particular providing a stark insight into the possibilities afforded by regular cheques from car advertising agencies. Rice is clearly a man of many talents, as his singing while playing the chord of A minor shows.

Guaranteed to be a favourite of brainless clones desperate for a quick fix of rented emotion, and will soundtrack a million uninspired mixtapes until another Buckley rises from the dead.

Lou Reed My Microwave Goes "Ping" This new release from the master of sonic experimentalism wades further into music's uncharted waters with a twelvetrack album composed entirely from the "functional noise matter" of common household appliances. Oh Pop-Up Toaster juxtaposes the ordinary with the outlandish to create an epic wall of silence that recollects the singular anticipation of a good breakfast. Reed surpasses himself on Dear God, Where is that Noise Coming From?, a minimalist paean to the "battery low" function on the author's smoke alarm. The record closes with the synonymous "ping" of the title; a fittingly Dadaist conclusion to what is undoubtedly a sublime work of minimalist novelty. ·

Jamiroquai I Need More Hats The anaemic funkster follows his last album There 's More to Me than Sliding around Furniture with an impassioned plea to his fans to solve the international hat shortage that has made so many lives a misery. Jamiroquai- or "Jam", as he is now more commonly known - has selflessly devoted himself to the cause of fashionable headware, and is donating profits from this album to the earless Wackapoo tribe of Slough, whose physical inability to wear hats, glasses and swimming goggles has tugged at the nation's otherwise unpluckable heartstrings. Highlights include the upbeat My Trilby, which finds the singer at his poetic best, crooning lyrics like "I'm mad as a hatter I it don't matter I When I have my trilby I'll be phatter" as if he wrote them himself. Wholly recommended.

TV LAST NIGHT'S TV

by Crispin Ligature There wasn't much on.

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The UEA Enquirer

22

11

lt's been a miserable season for Norwich United. Now the drama's over, The UEA Enquirer looks back and gloats

Across Norfolk conciliatory pints were being ruined with tears last night as Norwich United, 'The Little Team That Could ,' finally and irrevocably proved that they couldn't.

Just one year ago it had been a different story, the streets filled with blue and grey ticker-tape as United (affectionately known as The Tits because of their blue tit insignia) propelled themselves into the topflight via a hard-fought play-off final against Littlehampton Athletic . Though three Littlehampton players later die in hospital , the game was pronounced a classic. In many quarters, Tits manger Vie Strang is considered a genius, his unique brand of brutal unpredictability having guided a near bankrupt team of aged journeymen and unpromising youth to glorious promotion .

But what many had hoped was the dawn of a new era for the club rapidly descended into a season of disappointment, lies and bitter recrimination .

August The season gets off to a poor start as the Tits are thrashed 14-3 on the opening day.

Vie Strang finds himself facing criticism for fielding 11 strikers but remains defiant.

"We're playing against the big boys now, all they understand is aggression . If my players hadn't kept running into each other, going for the same balls , we would have had them ." Elsewhere, some question whether the money spent on the colossal gold statue of Strang outside the club's stadium might have been better used strengthening the team , as several players are approaching pensionable age .

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September After four games and four defeats, Strang finally bows to popular wisdom and includes a goalkeeper in his starting lineup. The change has an immediate effect and the Tits nearly succeed in forcing a draw against local rivals Aberdeen. Only in . the final moments is the deadlock broken, with Aberdeen snatching a 6-0 victory.

October Norwich's 'weekly disasters on the pitch are overshadowed by scandal off it. Midfielder Andy Krenshaw is caught planting explosives in a local community centre's minibus while striker Neil Grantham is photographed by disreputable tabloid The UEA Enquirer in a compromising position with a flock of geese. Both players are let off with cautions. In a rare interview, Vie Strang reveal , "The only thing that stops me from killing myself is my life-long love of gin."

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November Salvation! Fans admit they were wrong to doubt their manager as Strang pulls off the coup of the season, signing African prodigy Leslie Otanga for a club record £6 billion.

After 14 straight defeats, Otanga singlehandedly leads the Tits to four successive

victories . One particularly memorable game sees Otanga send a volleyed clearance off his own goal line spinning and dipping into the back of the opponents' net, the fourth of his final tally of nine goals for the match. Talk builds of the Tits mounting a title challenge.

December Christmas celebrations are muted by revelations that Strang financed the purchase of Otanga with Nazi gold. While Strang remains silent regarding the source of the gold, Otanga is quickly deported. In a move considered suspiciously lenient, the Football Association resolve to only penalise the club 15 points.

The punishment does however make United the first team in the league's history to achieve a negative points total at so late a stage in the campaign.

January Stuart Jones, a 23-year-old life-long Tits fan, threatens to starve himself to death unless Strang is removed as manager.

Strang responds by 'humorously' sending Jones a box of chocolate brazil nuts from the club shop, a move seen as insensitive by some commentators. That Saturday, United put up a spirited display against league leaders Sporting Colchester, losing

just 3-0. "That one was for Stuart,'' announces club captain Alfred Macky after the game.

police , although one does show enough off-the-ball awareness for Strang to sign him as an attacking midfielder.

February A string of bizarre accidents leaves the team in injury crisis. In desperation, Strang is forced to include his own 11 -year-o ld son as a substitute. Napoleon Strang is cal led off the bench early in the second half and puts in a spirited performance, only to be stretchered back onto the bench ten minutes later with 14 shattered At the post-match press conference, the manager disowns the child, stating , "Any son of mine would have kept playing , instead of lying on the ground , bleeding like a baby."

April "We're only really playing for pride now," admits Alfred Macky, as statisticians reveal the Tits are down unless they can win all their remaining matches at least 10-0.

Unfortunately even pride is denied to Macky as he is forced to play the next th ree games in his pants and vest having lost his kit. Norwich's financial woes are increased when Sky refuse to allow them on television . "These guys are ratings killers," says Rupert Murdoch. "More people tune in to watch my leg hair. Seriously.

We tried it."

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March United's board renew Strang's contract, more than doubling his pay in the,process, in response to news that their manager has been offered the job coaching Argentina.

Only later does it transpire that Strang was actually considering driving a coach in Argentina. During a tense away game against Wrexham Rovers an inopportune moment is chosen to announce Stuart Jones' death (autopsy reports indicate he choked on a brazil nut) , provoking the Tits' usually docile supporters to stage a pitch invasion. All four are quickly harpooned by

May lt's over. But the final month of the season is not without incident. When the board refuse to al low him to play a Labrador in defence, Strang resigns. Stadium steward Henry Perkins is promoted to caretaker manager. He announces, "Vie taught me everyth ing I know about management, and I look forward to finishing what he started."

The board point out this wasn't the idea and quickly sack Perkins. Managerless, exhausted and arthritic, the Tits confound expectations by winning their final three games 10-0. However, a total of six points for the season proves to be too little too late.

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The UEA Enquirer Mark McBuff prepares to jettison Dr. ~ur Thompson

UEA WNS THE TOSS UEA's mighty Mark McBuff hurled a blinder in this year's annual lecturer-tossing championships, securing the University's position at the top of the league for the second year running. Dumfries born McBuff dispensed with History lecturer Arthur Thompson over a distance of 40 metres, breaking the record he set last year. Thompson bounced twice before coming to rest on the 40.02 mark.

Though Thompson himself was on a strictly liquid diet and unable to talk, he managed to avoid the coma that has befallen him during previous years. His wife, Fran Thompson, assured the Enquirer that he was delighted with the result.

"Arthur is always very proud to participate in the Lecturer tossing championship." She said, arms wrapped tightly round the eighteen stone frame of her husband's del\ghted tosser, "He is

Fecal matter went flying last night as UEA failed to qualify for the second round of the inter-university fetching c hampionships .

Tension was high at t he m easurement cup, as the stoic pairing of Eric Flat and Martha m enc e tried t o deposit a greater volume than t hat s e t by Essex's c hampion pairing o f Mark Sphinc and Peter Tre. As the scales tipped from Flat's spatter, though. it was apparent that the couple had been unable to equal the capacious amount emitted by Peter 'the Kleenex from Essex' Tre. Clearly distraught at the thought of a year's hard training wasted, Flat and Ulence staggered from the auditorium nursing each other with consolatory words and touching. The

pair were unable to comment following the performance. due to "nerve exhaustion".

Coach Pat Revlon said of the defeat. "It was an unlucky draw. that was all. I've seen Eric pull much more than that before and, at the end of the day. we couldn't afford to be sloppy against Essex, they've just got too much experience under their belt."

Essex rode high for the remainder of the competition, but the gruelling fourteen-hours of slopping was clearly taking its toll as the pair swapped positions before taking on the St. Andrews' powerhouse combination of Martin Slur and Wendy Ping. The St. Andrews Couple proved too intimidating; largely due to Ping's excellent muscle control forged by years of Ping

delighted to be the implement of the winning throw and always manages to get out of hospital in time for the competition... She also took the opportunity to rebuff recent criticisms of the sport as unnecessarily barbaric towards the lee turers that partici ate.

"Arthur wrote his most famous paper as a result of his coma. how could that be a bad thing?"

McBuff, with his modest self-assurance, took the time to also praise Arthur's involvement "I really couldn't have done it without him; he's a real asset to the UEA teaching community".

This is the last year that McBuff will compete on behalf of UEA as he is graduating this year, prompting concerns about the future of UEA's success at the sport.

Thompson will be part of the team next year, but the tossing privilege will be passed to Welshman Taff Denlaferty.

TARRED WITH THE SAME BRUSH UEA's next cross country season could be in for a rough patch after new guidelines were issued by BUSA stating that all .cross country events must now take place accross Tar Pits in order to be classified as 'crosscountry'.

BUSA have decided that Britain's landscape is far too man-made and does not. therefore. qualifY as natural countryside. Under the new guidelines, Tar Pits. which generally date back to the prehistoric era. are the only known environs that have been free of Man's influence.

The decision was made after BUSA's CEO, Harry Manckettle, had a conversation with an unknown Geography Lecturer who informed him of the potential irony involved in the sport's name.

Manckettle has a pathological fear of irony in sporting affairs, having worked as a sports commentator alongside David Coleman for many years. He was found guilty of assaulting on a reporter for the City College Questioner, when the reporter asked him a question he took to be laced with irony.

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Pong practice. At 5am this morning. they became the first boy-girl couple to raise the golden purse in five year.s .

There is still hope for UEA glory as the couple will go on to compete for the University's International Glimping Cup. which takes place over August in Latvia.

UEA has always done well in this competition, but there is speculation that losing the cream of National University Felching may demoralise the pair and keep success out of reach.

Next year may see the end of the championships as the town of Felch in the US state of Michigan have lobbied the US Senate over use of the word. They say that using it in this context is degrading to their townspeople and potentially unconstitutional.

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Cup match abandoned as umpires declare game ''just not cricket''

A BUNCH OF WINKERS Yes, for all you little winkers out there 2005 is the year that celebrates the 50th anniversary of Tiddlywinks, Hooray! Wow! And hasn't it gone quickly since those quirky Cambridge students dreamt up

this wonderful game - jolly Tiddlywinks indeed! Once considered a game only for those who drink Pimms and shoot clay disks on Sundays, Tiddlywinks has become the new yo-yo, the new White

ACROSS

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1) Call directory enquiries, I have a crisis! (4) 3) Broken man plays xylophone, neat ly (5) 8) Blame the pixies, de mands Medieval t ourist (3) 9) Chap needs ambulance , maybe by accident (4 ) 10 ) As the actress said to the bishop {3 ,1,4 ) 13) Hypocrisy is not a victimless crime (3,3 ) 14) Pass the fl&g:on, mum· bles drunkard (6) 17)Like a bungalow, but not quite home (8) 20) Freddy Starr ate his hamster, says the jury (4) 21) Laughs heartily at unusual yoghurt (3) 22) Rhymes with orange, but only in Didsbury (5) 23) Useless pharmaceuti· cals, cries fake monkey (4 )

1) Swiss cheese smells of a girl's· name (8) 2) Wine, whine, brine. Tuna, possibly (6) 4) Nice me lons, remarks the greengrocer (5) 5) "If God is dead, what Is Nietzsche?" asks Steve {5) 6) Sufficient f or wattle and daub, I suppose (2,5) 7) French for menu, reports illiterate translator ( 4) 11) Peter Andre combines 'insane' and 'mania' (7) 12) A pleasant place to place pl aice (8) 15) Overdue library books make for unhappy reading (6) 17)Michael Portillo's publicity machine, perhaps (4) 18)Random bureaucracy influx (5) 19)Confusion reigns in Slough restaurant (3 ,2)

the new slinky that's right ·everybody loves a slinky and everybody loves Tiddlywinks· The kids can't get enough of this adrenalin pumped sp01·t. so much so that they have had to introduce steroid tests. This new craze is sweeping worldwide .

The streets of Compton have just held the first annual competiLightning,

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The much anticipated semi-final cover the goal mouth and his side clash between Norfolk South s et about talqng the game back to and Derbyshire was abandoned the vis itors. in dramatic fashion last night as What followed was ten se end-toit transpired the game taking end s tuff, with Ha ines and place just wasn't cricket.

Cottsgrove en gaging in a number The m a tch b egan in a conven- of exciting rallies . The morning tional fashion with Derbyshire , fmished with Norfolk winning the s light favourites on current form , innings three sets to two , h aving winning the toss and electing to s u cceeded in potting a d ifficult b at. Norfolk quickly seized the ini- b l~ck. tiative through s pin bowler Barry Resp onding to Derbyshire's total Haines, who achieved s urprising of 3 1, Norfolk 's fr ontline s oon b ounce off wh at was considered a amassed an impressed 433 for 6. lifeless pitch .

After six overs, Bu t the cr owd 's celeb rations were Derbysh ire were clearly ruein g cu t s h ort as a rumour s p re a d tha t , their d ecision . h aving lost two like golf, the lowest s core would b a tsmen for only 23 runs and fac- win and , unless their team fm ing what looked like a.difficult day ished well under par, their cup run ahead . was over. On h earing this n ews , Matter s changed d ramatically, Sturkins was h eard to armo un ce~ however, when Derbyshire's Matt "Bu gger this," and b riefly abanCottsgrove scored a goal. Facing don ed the field of play , re turning a another quick delivery from few minutes later on a horse .

Only after four of Derbyshire's Haines he turned neatly on his heels and, with a flick of the · side were gored by hounds did the wrists, steered the ball between umpire and linesmen finally agree two white posts erected near the that the spectacle tiling place pavilion. Suddenly, Norfolk found before them. though exciting, themselves in the ·less desirable could not be considered cricket. position of being 1-0 down. But With sirens blaring in the distance followed an urgent and clearly the match was cancelled. Pending confused discussion, Norfolk cap- a Norfolk appeal. Derbyshire will tain John Sturluns was able to progress to the final under the rearrange his deep fielders to away goals rule. tion in a specially designed players· lounge. In honour of this the infamous rapper 50 Cent has released the single The Game. The song raises awareness of reports of hustling. It includes the lines "This is how we do. We make a move and act a fool'. When interviewed about reports of players cheating 50 Cent (real name

·Norman Tool) reportedly said ·coke and rum, got weed on the ton . Don't hate the player son hate the game.· Well. if that doesn't cla1ify matters I don't know what will.

To take part in UEA"s own forthecoming Tiddlywinks championship contact a.loser@uea.ac.uk before it's too late.

LAST ISSUE'S SOLUTION ACROSS: 1 Goldfish, 5 Cif, 7 The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, 8 Hairy, 9 Hirsute, 10 Jellycopter, 12 Tony Bliar, 14 Tat, 18 Loofah, 19 Gout, 20 Maggots, 21 Antidisestablishmentarianism DOWN: 1Prawn cocktail, 2 Radioactivity, 3 Cack, 4 Moron, 5 Triskadecaphobia, 6 Cor Blimey Guv'nor, 11 Brian Perkins, 12 <Answer unknown>, 13 Micturate, 15 Sheepshank, 16 Steve Penk's TV's Naughtiest Blunders, 17 No