infant

One, is our own grief experiences and how we were raised. This includes, but is not limited to, our family of origin and culture. Our families teach us much, and what we learn, we carry with us. Our cultures impart their norms, sometimes without having to say anything explicitly. While one culture may teach us to "get over" grief as quickly as possible, another may believe that time and space are necessary for healing. There are further implications if we dive deeper into the cultural component. Disenfranchised grief arises when people feel they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned (Doka, 2002). When we think about the loss of a baby, often what can happen are thoughts or beliefs that parents have not had the opportunity to get to know their baby, so what is the big deal? Or, they are accused of doing something that caused the loss. Some cultures have normalized this question and way of thinking, limiting the space that parents have to grieve and mourn the loss of their baby. As this article opened with, however, a deep love exists beyond time.

Grief Is Uncomfortable

It can be hard to be around grief and pain. Discomfort and the uncertainty of how to be present for someone shrouds our experience. Different thoughts and feelings within ourselves become activated. We can become triggered, which clouds our words, thoughts, and actions. So while we wish to be supportive, we do not know how to handle what we are experiencing and lose the ability to be present. There is no need to judge when this happens. Instead, invite selfcompassion and acknowledge what is happening.

when words don't feel enough

Furthermore, we often think or feel that we don't know what to say to make people we care about feel better or help in situations of loss. This is a very valid concern. At times, words may not even feel enough. There are a couple of things that we can keep in mind.

Sometimes just simply being there with a loving, compassionate presence and being a witness speaks much louder than words ever could, which leads to something that is intertwined with being present. We don't know how to be with our own discomfort, and we pull back when we need to lean in. No one has ever said this is easy because it isn't, but it is worth it. Acknowledge your discomfort. Rather than fight it, remember that you can hold what you are feeling and still be present for someone else.

Approaching Grief With Empathy

Another way to think of it is as empathy and compassion versus sympathy. Sympathy comes from a place of "I feel sorry for you." Empathy draws on our own experiences of loss to acknowledge that we know what pain and loss are. That does not mean we know exactly what someone is feeling. Instead, we connect on a human level, knowing how hard a loss can be. Compassion is understanding plus action. There is a clear difference between coming from a place of sympathy which drives disconnection and pulls us away, versus coming from a place of compassion and empathy drives connection and allows us to lean in.

Support On A Practical Level

If we take the time to understand our experiences and engage with parents when they lose their baby from a place of empathy and compassion, we have already made a difference. Never underestimate the value of presence! Chances are, however, many people still want to know what else they can do to support parents from a place of practicality. Consider asking what would be helpful and supportive. There are two potentialities. One, the parents will have an answer. Two, the parents will not know what they need. In the latter case, either offer suggestions or be a little presumptive and state that a meal will be brought or their home will be cleaned on Saturday. Often, people in grief genuinely don't know what they need. Helping them by providing concrete offerings takes the pressure off.

Other helpful ideas include gently reminding parents that they still need to sleep, drink water, and eat well. If additional support is needed, like a support group or grief counseling, it can be helpful to do some research and make a list so that the parents don't have to do as much work.

be among the final third While no research backs up the "Rule of Thirds," experience seems to bear it out. There are a third of people who can be hurtful or harmful (whether intentionally or unintentionally), when someone is moving through their grief journey. Then there are a third of people who are neutral, who neither help nor hurt in the situation. Finally, there are a third of people who help support a grief journey through various ways, both emotional and practical. We all have the power to be the final third and walk alongside being the much-needed support.

References:

Doka, K. J. (2002). Disenfranchised grief: New directions, challenges and strategies for practice. Research Press.

NILMDTS REACHES EVERY STATE IN THE UNITED STATES AND HAS BEEN PRESENT IN 40 COUNTRIES WORLDWIDE.

Photographer Digital Retouch Artist

Volunteer your time and talent to provide remembrance portraits to parents suffering the loss of a baby.

The success of NILMDTS is dependent on the post-photography digital retouching skills of our Digital Retouch Artists (DRA).

Medical Affiliate Program

The medical program provides medical personnel with the tools needed to capture images when a volunteer is unable to access a facility.

Find more information to start making an impact in your community!

nowilaymedowntosleep.org/volunteer