Issue 44 // February 2021 // Love, Sex and Relationships
February 2021
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Essay: Virginity is a social construct
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Quiz: What’s your love language?
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Advice: Self-care for college students
10-11 Essay: How shaving my head helped me find self-love 12-13
Story: “Love at First Sight”
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Playlist: Can it be Valentine’s Day forever?
15 Korean dramas with amazing chemistry between characters 16-17
Friends to lovers: Book, movie and TV recom mendations for those who love the trope
18-19 Opinion: “Romantic relationships: great, but not everything” 20 Opinion: Dear Hollywood, please stop hypersexu alizing TV teenagers 21-23
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Q&A with sex therapist Dr. Norma Ngo
EDITOR’S LETTER
Hey there readers! Welcome to our February 2021 issue, “Love, Sex and Relationships”. This powerful issue is filled with everything love, sex and relationships, from personal stories, opinion essays, a quiz and playlist, entertainment recommendations and even a Q&A with a sex therapist. Even though I’m proud of every Cooglife Magazine issue that comes out, this month’s project holds a special place in my heart, and I hope it does for you too. I’ll try not to be cheesy here, but during our college years it is so important that we have conversations about the roles that love, sex and relationships play in our lives. Loving and caring for each other are the best things that human beings are able to do, whether it’s with our partners, friends, family, ourselves, or any other special someone in our lives. So, it’s important that we learn to be a healthy participant in each of our different relationships. In addition to learning how to build healthy relationships, it’s also important that we regularly take a step back and express gratitude for all of the wonderful people we have in our lives, and to let them know how you feel. Well reader, I hope that this issue gives you an opportunity to explore your connections to others and yourself, and continue spreading love and kindness even past Valentine’s Day. Sincerely and thanks for reading,
AUTUMN RENDALL Executive Editor
EDITORIAL
Autumn Rendall, Executive Editor cooglife@thedailycougar.com
COVER
Juana Garcia, Creative Director of The Cougar ame@thedailycougar.com
WRITING
SYDNEY ROSE YIDAN REN SOFIA GONZALEZ JO’TAVIA NORBERT HAYA PANJWANI ANNA BAKER CLAUDETTE VEGA TYRIANA TERRELL cooglife @cooglifemag @cooglifemag
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ESSAY
N I G ITY R I V O S C I A A L S I T R S U N C O T C
WRITING BY SYDNEY ROSE | GRAPHIC BY JUANA GARCIA
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Virginity has been a prevalent topic in society for ages, but as far as how the topic can be interpreted, different opinions can skew what it actually means to be a virgin, especially in this day and age.
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he idea of losing one’s virginity comes from the thought of having sex with someone for the first time. This can apply to any gender you see fit, but the pressures of virginity happen to fall on those who identify as women as far as history is concerned. Even in early ages, abstaining from sex meant holding on to one’s virginity and remaining pure so to say. Bedding rituals were common in early Europe as a way to show a marriage was consummated. There may be different explanations for why people would need to watch a marriage consummation back in the day, but the main reason, to be presumed, was to see if the bride would bleed, showing that her groom was the first person she had ever been with sexually. The societal concern with whether a woman has had sex before still remains a barbaric practice in modern times. We can go as far to mention the situation with rapper T.I. and his daughter. The father of a 19-year-old girl still feels the need to visit her gynecologist to see if her hymen is intact and she is still a virgin. This can beg the question; what qualifies as losing your virginity? The anatomy related answer could be the moment a woman’s hymen ‘breaks’ the first time she has sex. But, there are flaws here. To begin, the hymen never actually ‘breaks’, but more so stretches itself. Along with this, a sexual encounter is not the only way to stretch a hymen. The hymen is a thin membrane that can be stretched through common activities like horseback riding or gymnastics. In fact, some women are born without a hymen at all. The societal significance placed on this part of the body is part of the pressures applied to the concept of virginity. With that, if stretching the hymen is a sign of losing virginity, then there is no identifier for those who identify as male. The double standard can be seen from a mile away.
For heterosexual women, the first time you experience penetration is considered the first time you have sexual intercourse. This can even apply to homosexual men, even if the penetration is in a different way. For women sleeping with other women, the lines may blur. Sex is such a personal concept that can range from vaginal intercourse, to penetration to oral. The concept is flexible in that it has different interpretations in itself, so if each person has a different viewing of sex, there are bound to be different ways to see virginity. For LGBTQ+ couples, having sex can mean more than just any of those words.
The idea that a man and a woman have to complete vaginal intercourse to lose their virginities is exclusive and backwards thinking as it is such a narrow concept to push onto every couple who participates in sex. Sexual intercourse can depend on connections deeper than physical for some couples, to invalidate that and claim men or women who have not experienced the straight normative of sex are virgins is not accurate. To have societal pressures of losing your virginity can include talk of how old is too old to be a virgin. Age pressures is part of the reason there is universal discourse on the subject. Controversies as far as losing your virginity too young can be brought with backlash, but the same goes for people who lose their virginity too old in society’s eyes. There is no perfect gap of time to have sex for the first time, whether that follows certain belief systems or not. The only person who can gauge when the perfect time to lose your virginity comes is you. The social construct of virginity can be harmful in multiple communities and cause stress or pressure to young people still trying to find their place in society. Relieving these pressures would mean to stop considering sex and virginity as one thing in itself and leave the concept open to interpretation.
The concept of virginity also remains a heteronormative practice, especially in modern times. COOGLIFE • February 2021
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QUIZ
QUIZ: What’s your love language?
WRITING BY SYDNEY ROSE AND GRAPHIC BY AUTUMN RENDALL
Love languages are the ways we chose to give and receive affection, whether that be through gifts, words, services, touches or time. Finding which love language you appreciate most could be tricky at times, because every healthy relationship has a small dose of all five to share with a partner, but continue on to find out what you value most as your love language.
Connect with a Recruiter to Learn More
P E AC E C O R P S .G OV/ WO R K
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1. When you get home from a long day away, what would you want to come home to? A: Your partner wanting a hug B: A new bouquet of flowers on the table C: Your partner with Netflix open asking what show you want to watch D: A clean house and a home cooked meal waiting E: A love letter on the counter from your partner 2. How would a perfect date go for you and your partner? A: A night in cuddling on the couch B: A scavenger hunt consisting of little trinkets that are meaningful to your relationship C: A planned out picnic or game night with your partner D: A casual day running errands with your partner and getting treated with a massage after E: A chance to walk and talk on the beach with your partner 3. If you and your partner got into a fight, how would you want them to apologize? A: Actions are bigger than words, a hug or some kind of comfort touch would solve it B: An apology can come in a form of bringing home or making your favorite food C: By taking you out to ice cream or just go on a drive around town D: Doing chores around the house so you don’t have to E: Saying they’re sorry along with a string of compliments
and reassurances 4. What makes you feel close to your partner? A: Physically close, intimately or with a comforting touch B: Sharing a material object together or having the same thing as them C: Being able to do your own thing in the same room without it being awkward D: Having them make you breakfast in bed or do something to make you smile E: When they confess their love for you or tell you how much they appreciate you 5. What’s more meaningful to you in a relationship? A: Intimacy with a partner B: Feeling appreciated and remembered C: Getting to know everything about someone D: Having an unspoken bond with someone E: Being able to communicate easily with someone 6. What is something you would not appreciate from your partner? A: Distancing themselves without explanation B: Forgetting important dates and occasions C: Avoiding you with no excuse and leaving unexplained D: Always relying on you for things E: Not being open about how they feel
RESULTS: Mostly A’s: Your love language is physical touch! This can mean you like to be close to your partner and feel comforted by being there with them. You value the things in a relationship that sometimes can be shown more than spoken. Mostly B’s: Your love language is receiving gifts! Valuing this can sometimes be misinterpreted as you only care about material objects, but having gifts as your love language just means you find sentiment in objects that connect you to your partner. Mostly C’s: Your love language is quality time! If you enjoy this the most, you can spend the whole day with your partner doing different things without getting tired of them, that being said, you both can understand when each of you needs alone time and you value that connection. Mostly D’s: Your love language is acts of service! This can mean you like your partner to know and understand your needs and how to relax you when the time comes. You feel loved by little surprises that can benefit you or your relationship. Mostly E’s: Your love language is words of affirmation! Valuing words of affirmation just means that you think it’s nice to be appreciated out loud. Having your partner recognize things you do is validating and just hearing these things aloud shows that they care to you. COOGLIFE • February 2021
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ADVICE
Self-care for college students The new semester is in full swing, and many college students are once again swamped with school work, internships, partWRITING BY YIDAN REN AND GRAPHIC BY JUANA time jobs … you name it! To avoid burnout from our busy schedules, especially during the pandemic, it’s very important GARCIA for all of us to take care of ourselves, both mentally and physically.
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omething I started doing this semester is taking short walks in my neighborhood. Spending my day as a full-time university student going virtual is forcing me to stare at a computer almost 25/8 hours of the week. To somehow protect my eyes from the harmful blue light and get that vitamin C, I like to enjoy my leisure time with some movement. I would plug in my earphones and turn on a podcast (most of the time it would be Stephenie Soo’s Rotten Mango where she talks about true crime) as I stride around the neighborhood.
A change of scenery The sight of the sun and trees is definitely a breath of fresh air (literally) since those who stay at home are always cooped up in their room. Getting a change in scenery can definitely reset your mind and make you more focused when you get back to work. Also don’t forget your mask and water bottle, for both safety and to stay hydrated throughout the light workout.
Making schoolwork more manageable I guess one of the good things about online school is that it eliminates the time needed to commute to campus. Because of that, I was able to get plenty of sleep at night before waking up in time for my 8 a.m. lecture. Many people from those inspirational Instagrams and study vloggers on YouTube suggest
you dress up to feel more productive and to be actually “learning”, but in my case, I find myself to be more concentrated if I were in comfortable clothing and snuggled up in a warm blanket, with a nice cup of red bean soup (because I’m from an Asian culture) next to me. But that’s just me, that’s not everyone. My best advice for finding the self-care that works for you is to be open to suggestions, but also keep in mind that you are the only person who knows yourself. If something doesn’t work for you, don’t force it just because it’s in the “trend”. I think that’s one of the toxic aspects when it comes to the self-care and productivity community.
Bringing the spa, to you Recently with my birthday passing, my friend gifted me some scented candles and essential oils for me to use as a room decoration. Because of that now I’m addicted to anything that produces a nice fragrance in my room, including bath bombs. When I’m not in a rush to complete an assignment or study for a test, I like to relax my body by taking a long bath with a bath bomb. I would also have some hype EDM songs playing in the background. Weird combination, I know. There’s a high possibility for me to fall asleep if I play slow jazz or lofi songs, so I try to balance it out with a workout playlist.
Find your groove, here’s a few self-care suggestions that could work for you: • Read that book you’ve been meaning to dive into • Spend some time either working on (or starting a new) hobby that relaxes you! Knitting, painting, cooking, the sky’s the limit! • Call or write a letter to an old friend or family member that you’d like to catch up with • Grab a journal, and write down anything you’re feeling. Sometimes just getting all of our thoughts
on paper can be wonderfully cathartic. • Write down a few things you’re grateful for in life, and really focus on them for a little bit • Take care of a task that has been bugging you to do but you just haven’t gotten to it yet. Sometimes self-care is doing things we don’t want to, but will help us in the long run!
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ESSAY
How shaving my head helped me find self-love
WRITING BY JO’TAVIA NORBERT AND GRAPHIC BY AUTUMN RENDALL
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After going through a period of self-doubt, writer Jo’Tavia Norbert found that shaving her head wasn’t just a haircut — it was a new beginning.
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hat is self-love? The majority of people would predominantly define it as simply, loving yourself. Others may epitomize it as taking a break from the detriments of reality by treating yourself to a spa day or finding such relief through a captivating novel. My form of self-love, however, resides in a set of home-cut hair clippers. That’s right, those manufactured pieces of stainless steel taught me everything I needed to discover about my own personal inner beauty. What I assumed would be a hair story gone wrong, turned out to be amazingly otherworldly. I remember feeling a cool breeze of air hover over my scalp as the last of my kinky yet awfully damaged coils fell onto my kitchen floor; my hair was no more. As I stared into a void of sorrow, I wondered if I could take it all back; that perhaps I just simply imagined it all and would soon awaken from such a horrid slumber. Unfortunately, I wasn’t asleep and even if I were, I’d shame myself for counting sheep while hairless. Between me and those hair clippers, there was absolutely no way that I could reassemble the deed that had been inflicted. That day, I made the bold and hasty decision of shaving my entire head—a decision in which I was slightly beginning to regret. For the first couple of days, I shielded myself with silk bonnets, hats, and voluminous wigs from various beauty supply stores. I carried the false notion of hiding my hair from the world so that the world wouldn’t have to worry about hiding from it. I made it an indefinite routine to dodge the bald jokes incited by my friends and even the random urges of people wanting to rub my head like a crystal ball; yeah, yeah go ahead and laugh, but it’s the truth! I did everything in my power to avoid being someone else’s circus monkey despite the number of times I’ve been asked to do the tricks—metaphorically speaking of course. I grew hopeless with every passing moment, as did my hair. Whenever I reflected my face off of a mirror, I constantly saw two things: zero progress and Vin Diesel. That was until one day when I decided not to wear a wig. I had just opened the passenger-side door to my mother’s vehicle when a middle-aged man took a nice gander at my head. At first, I thought this was about to be some awkward encounter but lo and behold, he gave me a thumbs up. Afterward, he slid his hands down the back of his own bald head, indicating that we were indeed “twinning.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the inaudible gesture and I could tell that he was tickled pink behind
his own car window as well. It wasn’t long before the man and I parted ways and when we did, I immediately got an epiphany. That eight-second interaction in the parking lot was enough for me to finally realize that you can’t expect others to love and accept you if you don’t love and accept yourself first. That man made me feel joyful because he liked my hair or the lack thereof. Imagine if I liked it just as much as he did. Perhaps even loved it? Gosh, I’d feel glorious.
From that point forward, I vowed to love myself and all of its entirety. I was no longer concerned with the length of my hair or whether or not it would be flowing past my shoulders by the year 2037. Instead, I lived in the moment of both good and bad hair days. I eventually stopped wearing my wigs around the house and even went to take the trash out to the dumpster across my apartment complex. I know, can you believe it? A whole five feet away from my front door! It may not have been such a huge deal to some people, but it most definitely was to me, given my hairless insecurities at that time. If it was one thing that I taught myself, it’s to own the wig, but never let it own you! I also taught myself how to trust the process of hair growth. In just three months or so, I began to notice prominent changes within my hair. I was under the assumption that it was from my castor oils and such, though it wasn’t. My true enhancement came from my self-love, therefore it reflected on my roots. This entire time, I was the only one getting in the way of my own happiness and growth. I guess it’s true when they say, “It’s not the enemy, it’s the inner me” and that’s exactly what it was! I thought I lost my beauty when I shaved my head but in reality, I never even lost it, to begin with. Instead, I gained something else along the way, which was the true meaning behind the beauty. It’s not about what you look like on the outside, but it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Remember, even salt looks like sugar until you finally get a taste of the two. With that being said, I would like to end off on this last and final note: I no longer resemble Vin Diesel. I’m currently in the chia pet stage.
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STORY
“Love at first sight” How a chance meeting at a music festival brought Cooglife writer Sofia Gonzalez true love and years of happiness
WRITING AND PHOTOS BY SOFIA GONZALEZ Before heading to their Waffle House date, Sofia and Felix took this photo to capture the moment.
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t was November 17, 2018, the day of Travis Scott’s first Astroworld Music Festival, and I was ecstatic to be going. Little did I know, later that day I would be meeting the love of my life. I showed up at the festival with my friends, but they decided they wanted to stay in the merchandise line, which was hours long. I told them that they could take my debit card and buy whatever they thought I would like because I didn’t want to stay there all day, I wanted to go watch all the performances. So, I left them to go find another one of my friend groups that I knew was at the festival. About halfway through the day, I decided that I wanted to meet back up with the original group I came with. So, I got on my phone and I called them. I, unfortunately, could 12
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not hear anything, and I knew I had to come up with a Plan B fast. After ending the call and giving up on finding my friends, I walked two more steps and introduced myself to a group of guys. I told them what happened and asked if I could stay with them for the rest of the festival because I really did not want to be alone. That was when I met Felix. Felix and I locked eyes, and he came to talk to me. He introduced himself, and it was from this moment on that we became inseparable. We talked for the rest of the festival, and we even left the crowd so we could be by ourselves. We talked about everything and anything. Time felt like it had slowed down just for us. It felt like we were the only two people at the show, and there were a total of
40,000 people there that day. It felt like love at first sight. After talking all night, he kissed me. I felt like I was living in a movie. Once the festival ended, I stayed with Felix until I could get a hold of my friends, but we made sure to exchange Snapchats, Twitter accounts and phone numbers. After leaving the festival grounds, he texted me to tell me that he wanted to see me again before he left the next day. I knew I needed to get home, but I asked him if he wanted to get breakfast, and he said yes. For me, seeing him one last time was important because Felix had told me that he lived in Austin. I knew I would regret it deeply if I didn’t go.
drive more than two hours just to see each other. Fast forward to now, Felix lives in Houston, attends the University of Houston with me and we’re going on two years and counting. It took a lot of trust to do the distance in the first place, but with Felix, that was easy. I knew that I had to trust in the fact that he wouldn’t hurt me, and that what we have is real.
Our story is like a fantasy, I still can’t believe it happened, but every day I thank the universe for it.
The next morning I drove to get Felix, and we went to Waffle House. This was the place that solidified everything for us. We knew that this wasn’t just what most would call a “festival crush,” that what we shared between us was deeper than that. After dropping him off at his hotel we vowed to text and FaceTime until we could see each other again. The next two weeks were filled with hours of FaceTime calls unbelievably long text logs, and a lot of Snapchats. It was all worth it the minute he came back to Houston to take me on our first official date. Thus, the actual start of it all. After those first two weeks, we began to see each other every weekend, this made the distance bearable. It was hard to be away for long, but because of our love, we only did long distance for a year. Our love was too strong and we couldn’t take another year of having to
Sofia and Felix attended the 2019 Astroworld Music Festival together, one year after meeting. COOGLIFE • February 2021
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PLAYLIST
Playlist: Can it be Valentine’s Day forever?
BY HAYA PANJWANI
Whether you spent Valentine’s Day this year with your gals over Zoom, a big bottle of wine and a box of chocolates, or with your special boo thang, you know the perfect playlist is key to making your night as cozy and cute as possible. This playlist has the lovey-est, dovey-est, smack you in the face with big red hearts and then hug you with a teddy bear, kinda music. Hit shuffle on our playlist to get back in the V-day mood by belting Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” at the top of your lungs, and then mumbling “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran right after. Happy listening, and an even Happier Valentine’s Day from Cooglife!
ALL OF ME- JOHN LEGEND THINKING OUT LOUD - ED SHEERAN BLOOM - TROYE SIVAN BEST I EVER HAD - DRAKE JUST THE WAY YOU ARE - BRUNO MARS YOU & I (NOBODY IN THE WORLD) - JOHN LEGEND SHE WILL BE LOVED - MAROON 5 SOMEBODY TO LOVE - QUEEN YOU AND I - LÉON YOU & I - ONE DIRECTION PERFECT - ED SHEERAN I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU - WHITNEY HOUSTON SUMMERTIME IN PARIS - JADEN, WILLOW I THINK I’M IN LOVE - KAT DAHLIA YOU ARE IN LOVE - TAYLOR SWIFT BELONG TO YOU (FEAT. 6LACK) - SABRINA CLAUDIO, 6LACK HOLD ON, WE’RE GOING HOME - DRAKE, MAJID JORDAN LOVE YOU LIKE A LOVE SONG - SELENA GOME & THE SCENE MOTIVE (WITH DOJA CAT) - ARIANA GRANDA, DOJA CAT WILLOW - TAYLOR SWIFT SURROUND ME - LÉON MIRRORS - JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE NOT A BAD THING - JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE CAN’T HELP FALLING IN LOVE - KINA GRANNIS
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FILM, TV AND BOOKS
Korean dramas with amazing chemistry between characters Whether you’re already obsessed with K-dramas, or you’re just looking to try one out, here are some recommendations with exciting character relationships WRITING BY YIDAN REN | GRAPHIC VIA CANVA
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ne of my favorite genres within any media is a good romantic tale between two characters. Here are some of my favorite on-screen couples in Korean dramas that are paired up brilliantly as they’re just oozing with chemistry. Yoon Se-Ri and Ri Jeong-Hyeok in “Crash Landing on You” I will have to start off my number one with my favorite Korean drama from 2020, “Crash Landing on You” - a forbidden love story between a successful South Korean heiress and a North Korean soldier. After a crazy incident that led the main character Yoon Se-Ri to fall into (and when I say fall, I literally meant she fell from the paraglide due to a tornado - crazy right?) North Korea, into the arms of Ri Jeong-Hyeok as he was patrolling in the North Korean portion of the DMZ. This drama is well-balanced with a mix of romcom and suspense. It left my heart pounding with excitement as Jeong-Hyeok was shooting at enemies to protect Se-Ri in one scene, then the next thing I know, my tears are flowing as Se-Ri bids her final goodbye before escaping back to South Korea. We cannot unsee JeongHyeok and Se-Ri’s strong connection and on-screen chemistry with each that continues to grow each episode as there are many factors separating the two, including but not limited to family conflict as well as geographical differences. This popular couple even has their own fandom, and their fans even give them a ship name “RiRi”. And as of 2021, lead actors Hyun Bin and Son Ye-Ji confirmed to be dating in real life. Let’s all wish for their happiness. Kim Bok-Jo and Jung Joon-Hyun in “Weightlifting Kim Bok-Jo” This list would not complete without the Kim Bok-Jo and Jung Joon-Hyung pair on the list. “Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Jo” is a coming of age story about the ups and downs of college athletes who fall in love. They go through their hardships and breakups to discover something meaningful about themselves, and it feels
like the viewers are growing up with them along the journey. Something I really loved about this relationship is the fact that this couple started off purely as a friendship (to me they were more like a comedy duo with their funny interactions). Every episode is filled with heartwarming and enchanting moments as these college students are still trying to figure out their life, something I can really relate to. That’s why the romance in here is definitely a slow burn because it doesn’t show up until the later episodes. But it’s definitely worth it! The way their romance was built on top of their friendship really shows in the way this two support each other in their careers. Im Ju-Kyung and Han Seo-Joon in “True Beauty” My third pick might anger some of the fans out there, but I am a huge supporter of Im Ju-Kyung and Han Seo-Joon from True Beauty. This series is about a young girl who always had a complex about her bare face, and her solution is to use makeup to cover it up. Throughout her journey, she learns how to embrace her inner beauty instead of conforming to the beauty formed by society. And of course, our second male lead, Seo-Joon, is someone who loves Ju-Kyung simply for who she is, whether or not if she’s wearing makeup. However, his love will probably never be reciprocated because of Ju-Kyung’s love for Lee Su-Ho. But I still admire his dedication and caringness towards Ju-Kyung whenever she’s struggling through a hard time, he always supports her with all he has. Fun fact, this Korean drama is an adaptation from the webtoon with the same name, and I have been too scared to watch the drama because I didn’t want to see the heartbreaking moment with Seo-Joon. This drama has been one of the most anticipated drama this year due to the success of the original webtoon, so I highly recommend this to you guys who might be interested in dipping their toes in a bit of the K-drama world.
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FILM, TV AND BOOKS
Friends to lovers: TV, film and book recommendations for those who can’t get enough of the timeless trope WRITING BY CLAUDETTE VEGA AND GRAPHIC BY AUTUMN RENDALL
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re you secretly in love with your best-friend? Have you ever had those two friends who were too close to be “just friends” ? Or maybe you’ve been in that situation where you have a secret crush on your best friend and desperately want to let them know, but if you do, your relationship will never be the same. Or maybe you just enjoy thinking about such scenarios in your head. It’s no secret that the friends-to-lovers trope in media is beloved by many. Personally, I enjoy the trope because
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having a foundation of friendship before going into a relationship can be helpful for a long-term relationship. Attraction is not founded on mere physical appearance, but in the ability to see past that into someone else’s personality. It’s finding things you have in common, things you can do together, things you can talk about for hours, and things to bring each other closer together. There is something special about finding someone you love to be around so much that you can never imagine your life without them. If you enjoy the friends to lovers trope as well, here are some of my media suggestions for you:
TV Shows 1.The Office (Pam and Jim) Two office co-workers are best-friends and maybe a little more. This romance is so wholesome that it will be the reason you keep watching the show. From the inside jokes to the thoughtful gifts, their relationship has one of the greatest build-ups in television history. Oh wait, did I mention Pam has a boyfriend? 2.Friends (Monica and Chandler) Imagine two people in your group of friends suddenly start dating in secret. Monica and Chandler will keep you on your feet as they try to hide their romance from their group of friends. Since the show is a sit-com, there are sure to be some hilarious mishaps along the way. 3.The O.C. (Summer and Seth) In this high-school show of the 2000’s, the couple (Seth and Summer) fall into the opposites attract category of friends-to-lovers: the popular girl who falls in love with the geeky invisible guy. As they start hanging out more often, Summer starts to notice Seth’s undying love for her.
Movies 1.What If (starring Daniel Radcliffe and Zoe Kazan) This movie has a similar plot point to The Office: two people who are perfect for each other except for the fact that one of them already has a significant other. The romance is a very slow-burn as the friendship of the two main characters grows into something more. 2. Plus One (starring Jack Quaid and Maya Erskine) By the synopsis of the movie, two friends who decide to be each other’s plus one to their friends’ weddings, you can pretty much predict that they will get together. However, the fun is in seeing how they get together. This is a light-hearted film that I would recommend to anyone who is cynical about weddings and enjoys making fun of them with their friends (basically what they do in the movie). 3. When Harry Met Sally (starring Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal) This movie is the blueprint for the friends-to-lovers plot line. It is about two friends who randomly meet each other at different points in their lives until finally
one day they become best friends and maybe even more. If you’ve ever romanticized that an old friend from high school would come back to your life ten years later and finally realize that they love you as more than a friend, then this movie is for you.
Books 1.Yes, No, Maybe So by Becky Albertalli and Aisha Seed This book is about two friends who fall in love while helping out in a local state senate campaign. In this book, there is Muslim and Jewish representation as well as many conversations about The Office, trips to Target, awkward introvert conversations, and a lot of canvassing. Through canvassing, the main characters learn that even the smallest action can have a ripple effect. 2. Perks of Being a Wallflower by Steven Chbosky A high school freshman feeling like an outsider suddenly starts to hang out with a couple of seniors. Suddenly, he realizes that he isn’t so lonely anymore because he has found true friendship. Through Charlie’s letters, you will get to experience the ups and downs of high school with him. You will also be reminded that there are people in the world who see you. 3. The Summer I Turned Pretty trilogy by Jenny Han This book contains a love-triangle story between Belly and her two family friends Conrad and Jeremy. The trilogy spans through the summer after junior year, senior year, and freshmen year of college. The books are encompassed by a sense of nostalgia as these three kids meet up in their childhood summer beach house while realizing that life is changing all around them. I would say one of my favorite things about rom-coms is getting to see how different elements are used in the storyline. Every story has a different equation, but they all yield the same result. Even though all of these are friends-to-lovers stories, there are still unique characteristics to each story. However, don’t get too caught up on thinking this is exactly how it happens in real life. As Mindy Kaling said, “ I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world.” So let yourself daydream for a minute - we all need a happy ending from time to time. COOGLIFE • February 2021
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OPINION
Romantic relationships: great, but not everything Searching for a romantic partner to spend our lives with can sometimes feel as if that’s our only purpose for existing. And while a romantic relationship can be great, it’s not all we’re made for, and it’s not the only type of relationship we should cherish. WRITING BY TYRIANA TERRELL | GRAPHIC BY AUTUMN RENDALL
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know what I’m about to say might be hard to fathom, especially since we just passed the day of love, but still it must be said. Romantic relationships are not the sole purpose of our lives. Now I’m only saying this, because there’s a stigma surrounding adults who are not in a relationship. No one can understand why an “eligible” bachelor/ 18
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bachelorette is still single, so there must be something wrong with them. Except it doesn’t have to be. Our value as humans stretches far beyond our love interests. It is our relationships and encounters with not only our partners, but family, friends, strangers and even ourselves as a whole that are important. Here’s why:
Partners Romance is a different type of attachment that we as humans crave. No one knows why we love, or even what love really is. My theory is we all just want someone of our own to want us, and get through life with. I mean who really wants to go through life alone? Another theory is that love is just nature’s way of tricking us into procreating. The best way I can explain this relationship between two people is, having someone who chooses to be with you because of, not in spite of. As much as we love our family and friends, this is a type of love that can not be compared, or explained, only felt. Or maybe it’s nature, who knows?
time favorite things to do is learn. Now I don’t mean the traditional sense of sitting in class listening to lectures, but in a worldly sense through talking with earth’s inhabitants. Everybody on this earth has a story. There’s a how, in where that person ended up in their life, aren’t you the least bit curious in figuring out what it is? When you meet a stranger, you could be meeting the next president of the United States, or you could be meeting an axe murderer, so definitely be careful. Really though, I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone, and try to engage in conversation with a new stranger everyday, you never know what you could learn and who you are talking with. After all, you’re only a stranger once, the more you talk to, the fewer there are.
Family
Yourself
As much as I love my family, they sure can be too much at times. When I visit, I can only stay for a couple of days max before I have to hit the road. One thing about family though, they will always be family. Most babies’ first words are “ma-ma’’ or “da-da”. This is proof that before you knew anything else, you knew family. You can get mad at each other, bicker and want nothing else to do with them. Still they will be there for you, whenever you need them. Your family is your first home. With them you felt free enough to be comfortable in who you are. They witnessed you grow into the person you are today. Cherish your family.
Have you noticed that the hardest questions you’ll ever have to answer are about yourself? Even though the one person that you have spent the entirety of your natural born life with is yourself. Isn’t that strange? Having a relationship with yourself is just as essential as all of the others, if not more. When you know yourself, then you know what to look for, and what you’re able to handle in a friend and in a partner. Sorry you can’t get rid of family, I know that sucks! Take some time to get to know the (wo)man in the mirror, like Michael Jackson said, “it’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference”. If you read that without singing it we can’t be friends, I’m sorry, I can’t accept that. Really though, the next time someone asks you to tell them about yourself, don’t shy away, have an answer, and see how good that makes you feel.
Friends Friends are arguably some of the most important people in our lives. They encourage us to keep pushing, when we feel like giving up, and when we’re sad they are our shoulder to cry on. If you’re afraid to tell anyone else, you know you can tell your friend. Signing the friendship contract, makes them legally obligated to keep you from doing stupid stuff alone, by participating with you and vice versa. Friends are the force that makes us think our dreams are possible when everyone else is telling us to be realistic. He who finds a real friend, has found a treasure. Treat them as such.
Strangers
In Conclusion All relationships have a different type of bond, and they all help shape you into who you are, that is why they are all vital. A lot of times when people get into relationships, all they want to do is be around each other. Which is understandable, considering you feel in your heart that this is the person that you will be creating your life with. Just remember that all of the people in your life, love you and want to spend time with you. Don’t lose the one person you’ll be with for the rest of your life, yourself, in pursuit of just one relationship, is all I’m saying.
I know this might sound strange, but one of my all COOGLIFE • February 2021
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OPINION
Dear Hollywood, please stop hypersexualizing TV teenagers The problem of adult writers consistently placing their teenage characters in hypersexualized situations WRITING BY ANNA BAKER | GRAPHIC BY AUTUMN RENDALL
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ex positivity is growing in our society, which is a wonderful thing. For too long, the idea that sex is inherently bad caused negative repercussions for many people, especially women and queer people. Now, sex on television is very normal to see. This can be good, as it can normalize healthy sexual relationships onscreen. However, there’s a strange trend in television and movies to have actors who play minors engage in very sexual storylines. This is a strange phenomenon, and it can do a lot of harm. Some of the popular shows on the air that are known for sexualizing teens are Riverdale, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, and Euphoria. On one hand, these shows normalize sexual feelings in teens, which is a good thing. Many teenagers are going through hormonal changes and experiencing sexual attraction. It’s very natural for teens to have sexual feelings, and that should not be ignored. For a long time, people experienced shame for having these natural urges, which is absolutely not okay. However, hypersexualizing teen characters can be bad. We see this in Riverdale where sixteen-year-olds pole dance in front of crowds of adults. Where the 15-year-old main character has a relationship with a 30-year-old woman and the implications of that aren’t discussed. It’s shown as a forbidden love/lust situation, rather than Archie being groomed by a pedophile. It’s realistic for teenagers to have sex, but to pole dance half nude in front of adults? Not so much. These shows often put their teenage characters in wildly inappropriate situations, but rarely discuss the implications. It’s weird that these writers seem to want to put these characters in situations where they act sexy since they’re supposed to be minors. It’s fine to depict that these characters are in sexual relationships, as many teens are, but putting them in oversexual situations that no teenager should ever actually be in, is a little strange. There’s already a big issue with people sexualizing teens, specifically teen girls. People will think it’s okay to catcall and sexualize girls just because they’ve hit puberty, but it’s not OK. Just because people start having sexual feelings or even sex in their teens doesn’t mean we can 20 COOGLIFE •
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just write teen girl characters to be strippers. The writers of these shows are adults. Why do they want to see teenagers as these mature sexual beings? Having characters dress in sexy outfits, in short skirts and low cut tops, it’s frankly weird. The impact of these shows on teenagers is something that should be talked about too. I remember feeling weird watching shows where the characters all seemed to be partaking in these really advanced sexual activities, regularly too. It made me feel like I was behind. While I was happy to see validation that teenagers were indeed sexual beings, I didn’t like how sexualized the teenagers were. These shows set unrealistic sexual standards for teens. Teens may think they have to have sex all the time to be normal when in reality, most high school teens probably don’t even have enough time to have sex all the time. Teens shouldn’t have to feel like they have to be having sex. They should wait until they’re ready, and unfortunately, a lot of these shows don’t portray that aspect of waiting till one is ready. There are some good realistic examples of teens and sex in media. The Netflix show Sex Education is one of them. It’s been applauded for its realistic approach to teenagers navigating sex. It doesn’t push purity ideas but it also doesn’t over sexualize the characters. It depicts adolescence in a way that many teenagers and people who used to be teenagers relate to. That isn’t to say that every TV show has to be absolutely realistic when it comes to these matters but think about the message a show is sending when all of its characters are engaging in intense sexual acts fairly regularly. Think about the message that sends when all those characters are minors and high schoolers. We need to normalize sexual feelings among teens, but we shouldn’t sexualize them. Teens deserve to feel validated for their natural urges, while also not feeling pressured to put themselves in unrealistic sexual situations. Teens are sexual, but they are still children, and they should be allowed to feel that way for as long as they want.
Q&A
Q&A WITH A SEX THERAPIST Dr. Norma Ngo, a licensed clinical psychologist and an AASECT certified sex therapist, shares her answers to important questions in the effort to destigmatize sex talk.
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Photo courtesy of Dr. Norma Ngo
ow/why should we talk to our sexual partners about consent? Similar to the rules of the road, we should talk to our sexual partners about consent to communicate a mutual agreement to keep each other safe between the sheets. The process of consent can be best described as a mutual, shared responsibility where individuals are willing and voluntarily determining if they want to participate in any kind of sexual interaction with another person(s). Consent is mutually given or affirmed when the answer for all involved has been a clear and enthusiastic yes, without fear or coercion. Consenting is a continuous and active process. Saying yes to one thing, does not mean yes to everything. We have the freedom to change our mind at any point without guilt or fear of repercussion. We also have to respectfully accept that our partner can change their mind, which is why it is important to have open and continuous communication between sexual partners. A key factor in a healthy and satisfying sex life is that each partner does not feel pressure to engage in any kind of sexual activity. In fact, an inverse relationship exists between (low) pressure and (high) pleasure, which is critical to a potentially positive sexual experience. Talking about consent with our sexual partners involves communicating freedom for them to have their own COOGLIFE • February 2021
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Q&A responses without assuming we know the answer. Questions that invite dialogue, communicate care and concern and allow for openended response are encouraged. Examples include: 1) “how do you feel about doing (insert sexual activity)?” or 2) “Is there anything you need to feel comfortable or safe when we do (insert sexual activity)?” Conversely, communication that involves one person making decisions for the other or does not allow the other person to really have a choice should be avoided. Examples include, 1) “I know you trust me, right?” 2) “Let’s do (insert sexual activity)” or 3) “Last week you really liked it when I (insert sexual activity), let’s do that again tonight.” Healthy partner sexual interaction is a reciprocally desired and shared experience that is pleasure filled not pressure fueled. Does my partner need to be STD tested before intercourse? The short answer is, it depends…meaning, you have absolutely the prerogative to set the criteria for partners depending on your comfort level. Keep in mind, testing is the only reliable way to know your status in the first place, which allows you to make informed decisions. Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) can be treated, managed, or communicated to someone (who may be vulnerable) only if you know your status. With some STIs, an infected person may not develop symptoms right away or at all, while others may require extensive management and lifelong medications. Ideally, prevention of STIs is the best strategy. Therefore, some people will only engage in intercourse or sexual activity after their partner has been tested. This may involve trusting a potential partner who shares they have already been tested, just like trusting them with anything else, you will need time to get to know them to build trust. This means that you may have to wait for sexual intercourse or other sexual activity for a while until you’ve built the kind of trust where you do feel able to trust that they have been tested. Trust may also make it easier for a potential partner to reveal their test results. Ideally, this process is best facilitated by an open and respectful dialogue between you and your potential partner. Or, you may choose to engage in sexual intercourse or other sexual activity without requiring the testing as a prerequisite. If so, using some kind of sexual protective barrier is the best way to reduce risks (on-going), even after testing has been completed (regardless of test results). If communication is clear and direct, each person can make an informed choice if they want to continue with the sexual activity. Important questions to ask yourself include: 1) Do you know you may have been exposed to an STI, like if you found out that a current or past partner (whether the sex you had was protected or not) tested positive for one? 2) Have you had unprotected sex, or survived an assault in which you know protection was not used? Even when people know they should get tested, they may delay testing because the process seems intimidating or inaccessible. Ideally, it is best to get tested regularly, not just when you’re worried you might be exposed. If you’re in a nonexclusive situation, you’ll want to make sure your testing history is up to date before you’re sexual with any new partners, and ask them to do the same. If you are not sure how often you need testing, consult your healthcare provider for assistance. To locate testing locations near you, visit here: https://gettested.cdc.gov/
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My partner’s sex drive is much higher than mine, how do I make both of us happy? As a sex therapist who has worked with many couples, sexual desire discrepancy is the most common presenting concern next to communication. For many couples, this issue feels very overwhelming and insoluble. Although it is not often explicitly stated, couples may be entangled in a, “I’m right, your wrong” tug of war between their mismatched libidos. Just as there’s nothing wrong with your desire to not to have sex, there’s also nothing wrong with your partner’s desire to have sex. Each of us has a different sexual template (i.e. sexual fingerprint) and also different ideas about what being sexual means and how much sex is enough or desirable. It comes down to each of us knowing and being aware of ourselves, and being able to communicate our needs and desires to a partner. I try to impress upon couples that while it may not always be easy, it is important to respect our partner’s level of desire. The fact that you two are different doesn’t mean that one of you needs to pretend you don’t feel that way, or try to have sex when you don’t feel up to it. The reality is that we are not always going to get exactly what we want, when we want it. Your desire discrepancy may also be related to other factors, including, psychological (e.g. overall mental and emotional health? The brain is our largest sex organ, so any mental/emotional struggles you are having should be given strong consideration as a reason why you may be struggling with sex), biological (e.g. physical health? Are you on any medications that have sexual side effects), social/cultural (e.g. cultural and familial messages about sex? Societal expectations impacting your sense of sexual well-being) or relational (e.g. other problems in your relationship? Do you feel safe with your partner? Do you share your deepest feelings and needs with each other? What other sexual problems are you dealing with?). A common question I get is, “is it a deal breaker if couples have a sexual desire discrepancy?” Not necessarily, as long as the couple is willing to have some honest conversations and make compromises. Finding a part of sexual intimacy where they may overlap and can connect in a way that nurtures their relationship, with less of a focus on individual needs may be a path forward. Here are some tips and compromises I’ve discussed with couples: • Strong communication in and outside of the bedroom is key. Focus on communicating your feelings and insecurities while respectfully listening to your partner’s point of view without blaming or shaming. If partners get stuck in defensiveness, hurt, or unreasonable expectations around sex, this could lead to an impasse or be a deal breaker. • Identify times when you may have the most energy for sexual intimacy and looking for the times that this may overlap with your partner. Once identified, protect that time for each other. • Identify potential bridges and barriers to your sexual desire. A bridge may stimulate erotic desire, like a sensual bath, good workout, clean house, playful text message from your partner, or date night, while barriers may hinder your desire, like work stress, lack of sleep, or lack of quality time with your partner. Being more aware and intentional with bridging activities may facilitate a better sexual connection with your partner. • Mainstream society/media tends to focus on the sexual (intercourse) imperative and less attention to the full course of menu options on the sexual spectrum. This can add unnecessary pressure and weaken erotic desire. I encourage couples to engage in non-demand pleasure (sexual exploration without penetration, which may or may not include exploration of erogenous zones) to increase erotic connection.
Q&A
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This can be done via touching, kissing, intimate eye-contact and sexual teasing. Connection without the pressure increases pleasure and creates a pathway for rekindling desire. Masturbation can be a shared and erotic experience on the sexual menu. When one partner isn’t in the mood for penetration, but they are up for watching or interacting with their partner, they can do so by maintaining eye contact, touch or talk to satisfy a partner’s needs. If you or your partner is not quite comfortable with this, then some solo play can be a pleasurable alternative to partner sex. If you and your partner find that you are stuck in a vicious cycle and want objective assistance, it may be time to make an appointment with a certified sex therapist who can offer helpful insights and suggestions. In the cases where desire discrepancy becomes problematic, there may be underlying issues, exacerbated by difficult communication patterns and unresolved resentments or conflicts. The problems inside the bedroom may be representative of a deeper pain or unmet need outside of the bedroom.
I’m a queer college student, but the only sex education I’ve received so far has been for heterosexual people. Where can I go/who can I talk to find out how sex works for me? We live in a society where heteronormative narratives for gender roles, sexual interactions, and dating are ubiquitous. It is quite understandable to feel unprepared and anxious when you don’t relate to or fit in with these prevailing relationship narratives and binary power dynamics. Confusion may results for queer people around who pays for a date, who initiates the first move, what if I don’t look like what they expect, and what if I don’t want to engage in certain types of sex? It is also important to note that pleasure is not just limited to penetration and stimulating genitalia. Identifying and following your own narrative can be scary and lonely, or finding a community of others who may identify similar to you may be few and far in between. Queer people are more prone to being shamed, abused, and victims of violence. As a result, it is critical to set boundaries and practice body awareness and autonomy to protect your mental health and emotional well-being. Some potentially helpful resources for Queer Sex Education include: •
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S.E.X., second edition: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties. This is good for readers of all gender identities and sexual orientations, for those who are not sexually active and those who are. It is a comprehensive, no-judgment sexuality and relationships guide to help you get you through your teens and twenties, even probably for the rest of your sexual life. TRANS+:Love, Sex, Romance, and Being You .This can really help expand your understanding of what sex and intimacy can look like. Scarleteen’s Sexual Inventory Stocklist .To help you learn your desires and boundaries when it comes to romantic and sexual intimacy, to help you determine what you are and are not comfortable with when it comes to sex and your body and to help you communicate that to your potential partners. The Gender Bread Description https://www.geneseo.edu/ lgbtq/gender-identity “Girlsex 101” is great book with everything from dating advice to sex tips for anyone attracted to people with vulvas, of all genders and orientation.
Even though I’m already in college I still haven’t had my first time yet, and I feel self-conscious that I haven’t since it seems like so many college students already have. Is it weird that I haven’t yet? Is there a time in life when I logically should have had sex already? The short answer is no, it is not weird, and no, the right time is solely based on you. However, your thoughts and feelings are normal. From a young age we’re exposed to messages about about sex from our cultural and religious beliefs, family, peers and media. We observe our peers dating and inadvertently compare ourselves. We may internalize the relationship dynamics observed between our parents, which may later influence how we connect to other people. We are bombarded by the narrative that we need a partner or a sex life in order to be mature and fulfilled. It is not surprising then if you feel inadequate or ashamed for “falling behind” because you are not in a relationship or sexually experienced. First, ask yourself that sex is what you really want from sex. Reflect on what you’re looking for in having sex with someone else, and that what you’re seeking really is sex, rather than for general physical connection, personal validation, friendship or other things that certainly can be aspects of sex, but which sex might not really be the best choice to accomplish this need. You might want to talk to a friend or someone you trust who has had sexual intercourse about what you expect and listen to their own experiences. If possible, obtain diverse perspectives. I also want to encourage you to consider that the most important sexual relationship is the one with yourself. Masturbation is a great way to learn about which parts of your body are erogenous zones, as well as what kinds of touch you enjoy. You are the expert of your body and your knowledge about your body can facilitate healthy communication and pleasure in partner sex when the time is right for you. So, if you are wondering if you are ready for partner sex, consider some of these questions: • Do I want to have this kind/these kinds of sex for myself, physically, emotionally and intellectually? • Do the other person’s wants align with mine? • Do I want to do this at this time, in this setting, with this particular person? • Do we care as much about what the other wants as we want for ourselves? • Do I have a good sense of what possible wanted and unwanted experiences may result? Do I feel mostly prepared for them? How about the person I’m about to have sex with, are they aware and prepared? • Are we in agreement about the ways we’re going to protect ourselves? • Do I feel very safe with this person, and am I also safe for this person? If you said yes to most of these question, this suggests you may be more ready. However, if you said no to any of these questions, you may need some more time. As you start exploring sex, take a curious and gentle approach with yourself and others. It is normal to experience a wide range of emotions, but remember that sex should primarily be pleasurable and affirming vs. pressured or shaming. Try to be cognizant of your feelings and choices as you embark on this exciting journey. Respecting yourself, respecting your partner(s) and receiving respect are key elements for a healthy sexual experience. COOGLIFE • February 2021
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