Real Life My husband vanished at sea

The couple with Tabby, Hector and Monty

Rosie and Ben celebrating their wedding day The family visit the coast to remember Ben

Ben fi lled the house with happiness

VANISHE T

A day that started so normally for Rosie Moss and her children ended in utter tragedy

It’s a question some of you may well have found yourself Googling in despair, although I hope most of you haven’t, or will never have to: ‘How do you tell your children their dad is dead?’ The night I typed that into my phone, as I sat by the window, is etched onto my memory forever. Back then, I still held on to the vague glimmer of hope that Ben, my husband, was still alive, perhaps suff ering amnesia or too injured to call. But in the months since that day, me and my children, Monty, now nine, Hector, seven, and Tabitha, two, have been forced to accept a new kind of reality, one their Dad isn’t part of. It was one evening in March 2018 when Ben asked me if I’d be OK looking after the kids while he went scuba diving the following day. Tabby, our youngest, was only six months old, so I’d have my hands full, but I didn’t mind. Ben had loved scuba diving since we’d tried it on our honeymoon in July 2008. After that, he’d taken it up as a hobby and got very good at it, only after we started a family, opportunities to head out to sea had become less, and I knew how much Ben wanted to get back in the water. When he left the next morning, I kissed him goodbye and made a jokey comment, warning him to be back in time to help put the kids to bed. As the day drew on, I started preparing dinner –spaghetti bolognese –for when Ben returned, and bathed the kids. When I checked the time and realised it was 6.30pm, I felt a fl ash of annoyance. Ben should’ve been back by now, instead I was having to wrestle three children into pyjamas by myself. It was then I heard a knock on the door. I told the boys, then seven and fi ve, to fi nish getting ready for bed while I grabbed Tabby and headed downstairs, thinking maybe Ben had forgotten his keys. But when I saw the two police offi cers on the doorstep, and they asked if I was Ben’s wife, panic fl ooded me. ‘There must’ve been an accident,’ I thought, showing the offi cers into the lounge. Had Ben crashed his car on the way home? Only, they explained that Ben hadn’t returned from his scuba dive, and that he was missing, presumed dead. With Tabby still in my arms, I let out a howl like a wild animal. The offi cers explained that Ben had been diving off the coast near St Margaret’s Bay in Dover, around 45 minutes from our home. He’d last been seen by a friend who he’d been diving with around 11.30am, but hadn’t returned. The coastguard had been leading a search, but he’d been missing for hours.

Coming to terms As I listened to them talking about Ben, it felt surreal. How could my husband have gone missing at sea? He was competent, a strong swimmer. It didn’t make sense. With my parents on holiday, I asked the offi cers to call my friend Vikki, 39, while I tried to compose myself before going to check on the boys. Somehow I managed to get the children into bed, but as I retreated to my bedroom, I knew there was no way I’d sleep. Instead, I sat by the window, looking up at the night sky,

Real Life

Rosie had to adjust to being Mum and Dad

SEA

Ben loved being in the sea

‘THAT CALL NEVER CAME’ thinking about Ben – if he was alive and how cold he’d be, lost in the freezing sea. Vikki arrived and did her best to comfort me, but later that night I got a call from the coastguard telling me they were putting an end to the search. I slowly started to realise Ben wasn’t coming back. Giving false hope to myself or the children would only be more distressing in the long-run. That’s when I started searching for ways to explain to my children their daddy was gone. I sifted through pages of advice, but there were no easy answers. After breakfast the next morning, I told the boys that Daddy had died. All the forums I’d been on said it was important to use that word for a sense of closure, but I struggled to hold back my own tears as I watched their innocent faces crumple. Monty sobbed, while Hector struggled to understand. Over the next few weeks, I felt like a robot, getting up to take the children to school, cooking, cleaning, but my head was elsewhere. I kept expecting a call to say Ben’s body had been recovered, but that call never came. On top of the emotional grief, there was endless admin to deal with, too, because Ben was legally only classed as ‘missing’. Without a body, everything became complicated – it was impossible to get a death certifi cate, aff ecting our mortgage, car insurance and life insurance.

Our vicar allowed us to hold a service without a coffi n but it was still diffi cult to accept Ben had really gone. As the days and months without Ben crawled by, I had to go to the High Court to secure a presumption of death order, just so I could legally manage our fi nancial aff airs. Fighting for that certifi cate while battling through unending grief took every bit of energy that I had left.

On the year anniversary of Ben’s death, I took the children and some other members of our family up to the coast where Ben spent his last hours. We wrote notes that we put in glass bottles and sent out to sea for Daddy to read. It was cathartic for us all.

Now, it’s been almost two years, and there are still days I have to rush into another room to bury my head in a pile of laundry so the children won’t hear me screaming and sobbing. Before, our house had always been full of happiness and laughter, now it just feels empty. Getting into bed without my husband to warm my feet on or snuggle up with is so painful.

Our new normal The worst thing is we’re still not entirely sure what happened to Ben. Due to the lack of a body, the coroner – who extended her condolences to me and my family – had no choice but to record an open verdict. It’s thought that Ben might have been unwell when he went into the water and got into diffi culties quite quickly, but we’ll never know for sure. The boys have struggled. Monty, in particular, has taken Ben’s death hard, but with the help of bereavement charity Holding On Letting Go, he’s been able to make some sense of his anger. Tabby is still too young to understand, and it breaks my heart she’ll have no memories of Ben and what a brilliant father he was. There have been hard days, and I’ve no doubt more will come, but Christmases and birthdays are the toughest. Opening presents without Ben snapping pictures and taking videos of the kids’ excited faces is something I’ll never get used to. But it’s our new normal now – as a family of four instead of fi ve. It’s not what I pictured, but I’m just trying to be the best Mum and Dad to my children that I can possibly be.

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‘GUIDED TOURS are a great way to see somewhere new’

Going on a Travelsphere holiday means making new friends and uncovering hidden gems, as Amanda Atkinson found out in India

We all have a dream holiday, whether it’s a far-flung destination or coming home feeling like you’ve experienced the local lifestyle. But as exciting as travel can be, language barriers, time constraints and lack of information can mean not being able to see everything you want to. A flexible guided tour holiday with Travelsphere is a great way to make the most of your time away. It provides expert Tour Managers to help with everything you need, whether it’s making sure your suitcase gets from A to B or sharing special places with you. Amanda Atkinson travelled to India with her husband on a Travelsphere guided tour and says it was the best holiday they’d ever had. ‘India was our first tour but since then we’ve been with Travelsphere to China, South America, Sri Lanka, Cuba and South East Asia,’ she says. ‘Everything is organised and you don’t need to worry about anything because your Tour Manager is there to help you. You do lots of things you probably wouldn’t have done on your

LOCAL KNOWLEDGE Go for a street walk around Delhi with some former street children. Amanda and her husband took part in the street walk around Delhi during their trip, part of the Travelsphere Cares programme with the Salaam Baalak Trust, an organisation that provides safe housing, counselling, education and shelters to over 5,000 children in New Delhi. ‘We were taken on the tour by children who used to live on the streets before being helped by the charity,’ she says. ‘They showed us where they had been living and that was a real insight into local life.’ With more than 18 million kids living on the streets, India has the highest concentration of street children in the world. Funds from the programme are used to provide scholarships and job placements for the children, as well as resources for the shelters. ✱ To book a Travelsphere holiday or for more information, go to travelsphere.co.uk or phone 0800 987 5028. own. The Tour Managers and Local Guides are fantastic.’ Travelsphere holidays are more than a schedule and seamless organisation. Amanda says it’s the little things that made their tour of India so memorable. ‘We went to the Taj Mahal at dawn and as the sun came up, it changed the colour of the building. The sky was pink then it faded into blue, so seeing the palace change colour was really a wow moment. Then I had a surreal experience sitting on the bench where Princess Diana sat and we had a group photo. There were about 22 of us, all very different but we got on really well.’ It’s not just places that make a Travelsphere holiday, but the people. Amanda says, ‘The socialising aspect is why we continue to choose group travel.’ Amazing places, experiences to treasure for a lifetime and new-found friendships – it’s all included. Amanda went on a Grand Tour of India, from £3,049