HUMOUR: Amanda

Humour

February. You know what this month brings don’t you? Romance. Or at least the reminder that somewhere out there somebody is getting it on or trying to get it on with somebody else by presenting bunches of roses and having diner pour deux . Meanwhile, back at our ranch and perhaps yours too, romance has long been dead. That’s not to say there isn’t love, but love and romance are completely different. According to the online dictionary, romance is “a feeling of excitement and mystery”. This ended in our relationship the day my then-boyfriend walked into the bathroom when I was showering, sat himself down on the toilet and casually dropped a number two whilst having a chat about our weekend plans. Whilst part of me thought it wonderful that we’d reached this stage of familiarity and comfort, another part of me died realising that our modesty had just been flushed away. It wasn’t just his doing. From time to time I’ve had an ingrown bikini-line hair that required attention and once a person has seen you push another person out of your nether regions I’d imagine it would be hard to conjure up “a feeling of excitement and mystery”. In fact, my sister-in-law told me of a friend who said that watching his wife WITH AMANDA BLAIR The look of love After 20 years of marriage the best Valentine’s Day gifts aren’t always the most romantic ones.

ILLUSTRATION BY BRENT WILSON @THEILLUSTRATIONROOM.COM.AU. give birth to their son was like watching a bomb go off in his favourite pub. So, keeping the romance going in a long-term relationship is no easy feat. There aren’t appropriate guidebooks, people are reluctant to talk of such things in mixed company and social media is no assistance whatsoever as post after post portrays lives filled with endless excitement, matching outfits and domestic bliss (#soblessed, #justlove, #perfectdays, #weknowyou’relying). But I’ve developed certain strategies to keep the fire in my loins and I’m happy to share these with you today as they may help with your own long-termer. Of course, I’m only speaking for myself. I have no idea what tricks my husband uses to keep himself aroused, but after 23 years and another summer of endless cricket, I’m absolutely convinced Steve Smith in a baggy green has a starring role. For me it’s all about geographic location and I’m most excited in the laundry. It’s the heat from the dryer, the smell of the powders, the vibration of the washing machine and the sight of my husband, red faced and puffing, down on all fours. Usually he’s searching for the stain removal kit after an argument we’ve had where I’ve told him it’s not my job to get the Bolognese sauce slop off his work shirt. I’d argue that there isn’t a woman alive who isn’t turned on about their partner doing simple domestic chores. My excitement reaches its peak if he springs it on me, that is, chooses to complete a task without actually being asked to do it. A drained dish sink delights, changing the sheets charges my batteries and he’s come to know that a folded basket of washing is guaranteed to lift my spirits and my skirt. So you can forget your chocolates, your flowers and your poetry. This Valentine’s Day look for the beau on bended knee … wiping down the front of the kitchen cupboards. He’s the keeper, the one who’ll keep the love alive. AWW