TA K E B AC K YO U R N I G H T S ! G E N I U S S LE E P A DV I C E
1 8 H AC KS F O R A B R I G H T E R , C LE A N E R H O M E
D R O P T H E M O M G U I LT O N C E A N D F O R A LL
FEBRUARY 2020 PARENTS.COM
Don’t be the person that brings a veggie platter.
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CONTENTS
I N E V E RY I S S U E 6 Editor’s Note 18 You’re Welcome 104 Giggles
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LE T’S G E T R E A L 11 Model Citizen Fashionista Tess Holliday is showing her kids how to love themselves just as they are.
KI D S 21 News + Ideas Teach nose-blowing skills, soothe colic, and more. 26 Help for Every Picky Eater Learn the best ways to introduce new foods. 33 Sleep Tips for Desperate Parents Smart ideas for smoother bedtimes 36 Survive a Stomach Bug All the advice you need to get through this ordeal 40 Cook the Storybook These titles combine fun plots and tasty recipes for a delicious read. 42 Art With Heart Valentines your kid will love making and sharing
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46 Super Board! A winning roster of veggies and snacks for game day
60 Farewell, Mom Guilt Four parents describe how they let go and let live.
48 Animal House! Meet Olivia and her hermit crab, Pincher.
66 Think Before You Speak How couples can choose their words more carefully
YO U
LI FE
51 How Busy Moms Get Glowing Products to revive and replenish your skin
69 My Yummy Valentine Clever and sweet treats that say “I love you”
57 Beauty While Momming Our beauty director dishes about her self-care rituals.
80 Save My Space Introducing our new home-décor column
58 Feel Better About Your Phone Discover hidden benefits.
82 A Clean House—With Pets! Keep your home tidy, even with furry friends.
ON THE COVER Tess Holliday with her children, Bowie, 3 years, and Rylee, 14 years. Photograph by Brigitte Sire. Tess’s wardrobe styling by Meaghan O’Connor. Children’s wardrobe styling by Veronica Alvericci for Art Department. Makeup by Michelle Mungcal for The Visionaries Agency. Hairstyling by Whitney Schield using Playa at Atelier Management. Manicure by Mimi D. using Defy & Inspire at the Celestine Agency. Prop styling by Brian Toffoli. Child wrangling by Jenifer Stapinski. On Tess: Dress and shoes, ASOS. Earrings, Natalie Mills. Rings, Torrid and Maison Miru. On Bowie: Overalls, Gap Kids. Shirt, Cotton On. Sneakers, Vans. On Rylee: Jacket, Gap. Sweatshirt and jeans, Hollister. Sneakers, Vans. Illustration by Bijou Karman.
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88 12 Trips to Take Before Kindergarten Magical places you’ll want to see with your little one 92 Back-Pocket Chicken Dinners Roast it in apple cider, marinate tenders in pickle juice, and more fresh takes on the classic protein
AG E S + STAG E S 101 0–12 Months Get the facts on baby teeth. 101 1–2 Years Prevent your toddler from wandering off. 102 3–4 Years Tackle common bathroom mistakes. 102 5–6 Years Make apologizing easier. 103 7–9 Years Talk about celeb crushes. 103 10–12 Years Manage big emotions.
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“Red cabbage. I grew up in a German household, and my mom was always so disappointed!”
What food did you avoid as a kid but love now? JULIA EDELSTEIN Editor-in-Chief “Salmon and avocados! I mourn those lost years.”
Executive Creative Director AGNETHE GLATVED Managing Editor PATRICK MOFFITT Deputy Editor DIANE DEBROVNER Beauty Director KATE SANDOVAL BOX Lifestyle Director LAURA FENTON Food Director JENNA HELWIG Senior Editor, Features KATIE ARNOLD-RATLIFF Senior Editor, Nutrition and Travel KAREN CICERO Entertainment Editor JESSICA HARTSHOR N Associate Editor, Beauty SHANNON M. BAUER Associate Editor, Features EMILY ELVERU Editorial Assistants KYLEIGH LEDDY, KARA THOMPSON ART & PRODUCTION
“Cilantro. I trained myself to like it as an adult because I am crazy for Mexican food.”
Art Director EMILY FURLANI Associate Art Director JAMIE LEE Senior Designer MARIA FERNANDEZ-DAVILA Art Assistant AVA BRAMSON Production Director VINCENT M. SPINA PHOTO Executive Photo Director LILY FRANCESCA ALT Photo Director DAVID COOPER Photo Editor JOANNA MUENZ Photo Coordinator MAGGIE BLATTEL Assistant Photo Editor ERIKA THOMPSON RESEARCH & COPY Research Director BARBARA BRANDON-CROFT Copy Chief JEAN RODIE Copy Editor SHELLEY WOLSON Test Kitchen Project Manager LINDA BREWER, R.D.N.
“Pickles!”
Deputy Managing Editor TARA LUSTBERG Executive Operations Coordinator, Office of Editor-in-Chief ADRIENNE FARR Contributing Editors DAPHNE de MARNEFFE, Ph.D., SALLY KUZEMCHAK, R.D., JENNY MOLLEN, ERIN ZAMMETT RUDDY, COLBY SHARP, VIRGINIA SOLE-SMITH D I G I TA L
Executive Editor JULIA DENNISON Deputy Editor MELISSA BYKOFSKY SEO Editor LIZ LASHWAY Senior Photo Editor SARINA FINKELSTEIN Features Editor ANNA HALKIDIS Social Media Editor GILLIAN NIGRO SEO Writer NICOLE HARRIS Associate Editor LIBBY RYAN
“I hated spinach. It took a girlfriend in college to expand my palate.”
ADVISORY B OARD
Pediatrics ARI BROWN, M.D., DAVID L. HILL, M.D., HARVEY KARP, M.D., PHILIP LANDRIGAN, M.D., JANE MORTON, M.D., IRWIN REDLENER, M.D., MICHAEL RICH, M.D., M.P.H., HARLEY A. ROTBART, M.D., DARSHAK SANGHAVI, M.D., JENNIFER SHU, M.D., WENDY SUE SWANSON, M.D., M.B.E. Nutrition JILL CASTLE, R.D.N., CONNIE DIEKMAN, R.D. Mental Health ROBIN BERMAN, M.D., DAVID FASSLER, M.D., HAROLD S. KOPLEWICZ, M.D., REBECCA LANDA, Ph.D. Dentistry LEZLI LEVENE HARVELL, D.M.D. Child Development and Behavior LISA DAMOUR, Ph.D., WAYNE FLEISIG, Ph.D., EILEEN KENNEDY-MOORE, Ph.D., WENDY MOGEL, Ph.D., MICHAEL THOMPSON, Ph.D. “Squash. Women’s Health ALICE D. DOMAR, Ph.D., I didn’t like how it MARJORIE GREENFIELD, M.D., LAURA RILEY, M.D., sounded as if someone ALEXANDRA SACKS, M.D. had stepped on it.” Education and Child Care DEBORAH STIPEK, Ph.D., CATHY VATTEROTT, Ph.D. Allergy WILLIAM E. BERGER, M.D., HUGH SAMPSON, M.D. Emergency Medicine and Safety MARTIN EICHELBERGER, M.D., WENDY L. HUNTER, M.D., GARY A. SMITH, M.D., Dr.P.H. Sleep JODI MINDELL, Ph.D., JUDITH OWENS, M.D. Dermatology LAWRENCE F. EICHENFIELD, M.D., JODY ALPERT LEVINE, M.D.
MARK JOSEPHSON Senior Vice President, Group Publisher Associate Publisher, Meredith Parents Network TRACY HADEL ADVERTISING SALE S West Coast Director JULIE BANFIELD Advertising Sales Staff ALYSSA CRAMER COHEN, CATHERINE DAUN, ANNE GILHOOL, MOLLY THOMPSON, MARIA TOCCO, NADINE WAXENBERG Assistants BRIDGET CORRY, MICHELLE KWAN, KIM SCHWARTZ Parents.com Advertising Director ALISA JANOWITZ GOLUB Manager, Direct Media TYLER HUB National Travel Director MELISSA LUEBBE Senior Research Manager ALISON JAYE MARKETING Group Marketing Director KRISTEN STUCCHIO-SUAREZ Senior Marketing Manager JUDY SCHIFFMAN “Tomato soup. Marketing Manager MARNIE DOWLER I guess I can’t fault Marketing Coordinator DIANA ZULUAGA my kids for Group Creative Director JEANETTE CHOW refusing to dip their Art Director TRACY D’AGOSTINO grilled-cheese Associate Art Director DAVID L. TRACY A D M I N I S T R AT I O N
sandwiches in it too.”
Executive Business Director JANICE CROAT Business Manager MEGAN WOOD Advertising Business Manager BOB PARLAPIANO Consumer Marketing Manager RACHEL BLACK Production Director MELANIE STOLTENBERG Production Manager COURTNEY PETERSON Advertising Production Supervisor ALI FELSENTHAL Director of Quality JOSEPH KOHLER Quality Analyst BEN ANDERSON Prepress Desktop Specialist GREG FAIRHOLM
“String beans, MEREDITH NATIONAL MEDIA GROUP broccoli, and other President, Meredith Magazines DOUG OLSON vegetables.” President, Consumer Products TOM WITSCHI President, Chief Digital Officer CATHERINE LEVENE Chief Business and Data Officer ALYSIA BORSA Chief Revenue Officer MICHAEL BROWNSTEIN Marketing and Integrated Communications NANCY WEBER Senior Vice Presidents Consumer Revenue ANDY WILSON Corporate Sales BRIAN KIGHTLINGER Direct Media PATTI FOLLO Research Solutions BRITTA CLEVELAND Strategic Sourcing, Newsstand, Production CHUCK HOWELL Digital Sales MARLA NEWMAN The Foundry MATT PETERSEN Product and Technology JUSTIN LAW Vice Presidents Finance CHRIS SUSIL Business Planning and Analysis ROB SILVERSTONE Consumer Marketing STEVE CROWE Brand Licensing STEVE GRUNE Corporate Communications JILL DAVISON
Vice President, Group Editorial Director LIZ VACCARIELLO Director, Editorial Operations and Finance ALEXANDRA BREZ MEREDITH CORPORATION President and Chief Executive Officer TOM HARTY Chief Financial Officer JOSEPH CERYANEC Chief Development Officer JOHN ZIESER Chief Strategy Officer DAPHNE KWON President, Meredith Local Media Group PATRICK McCREERY Senior Vice President, Human Resources DINA NATHANSON Chairman STEPHEN M. LACY Vice Chairman MELL MEREDITH FRAZIER
© Copyright Meredith Corporation 2020. All rights reserved. Parents is a registered trademark of Meredith Corporation, registered at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. Executive, editorial, and advertising offices: 225 Liberty Street, New York, NY 10281. Email: writeus@parents.com. Submission of your material constitutes permission for Meredith Corporation to allow its use in any media. Subscribers please note: Our subscribers list is occasionally made available to carefully selected firms whose products may be of interest to you. If you prefer not to receive info from these companies by mail or by phone, please let us know. Send your request and your mailing label to Parents Customer Service, P.O. Box 37508, Boone, IA 50037-0508. Subscription help: Visit us at parents.com/myaccount, email pmmcustserv@cdsfulfillment.com, or call 800-727-3682. For syndication or international licensing requests or reprint and reuse permission, email syndication@meredith.com. Printed in the U.S.A.
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EDITOR’S NOTE
O N C E U P O N A T I M E , back in the days before I had kids, I was on the receiving end of an over-the-top, fairy-tale Valentine’s Day gesture. Young, in love, and squarely in the infatuation phase of our relationship, my then boyfriend (now husband), Andrew, woke me up with homemade breakfast in bed and the gift of a gorgeous
When you’re born on February 14, this is perfect party attire!
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leather handbag that he had carefully filled—I kid you not—with my favorite skin-care products. At work that day, a fragrant violet bouquet landed on my desk. In the evening, he cooked me a three-course dinner. By the time my head hit the pillow that night, I was fairly certain I had been ruined for all future Valentine’s Days. And that hunch was correct—until I became a mother. That’s when I realized that while this holiday is a pressure cooker for couples and a veritable hell for singles, it can be bliss when you have kids. The issue you hold in your hands celebrates the intense and unshakable love between parent and child, along
HOME, SWEET HOME
Do you ever find that getting out of the house is just not worth the effort? Between naps, colds, and car-seat battles, I often feel like the universe is telling me to take off my shoes and never put them on again! But I say: If you’re going to be stuck at home, you deserve to love your surroundings. That’s why we’ve launched our new home column, Save My Space (see page 80), in which three designers tackle a common family decorating, cleaning, or organizing dilemma. Email us with your own home problem at savemyspace@ parents.com and it just might get solved in a future issue.
FOLLOW ME ON I N S T A G R A M!
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TOP: PETER ARDITO. HAIR AND MAKEUP BY LINDSEY WILLIAMS. BOTTOM: COURTESY OF JULIA EDELSTEIN.
The Easiest Love of All
with the handy date on the calendar when you get to make a big to-do about it. The lovefest starts on the cover, with model and mother Tess Holliday and the two sons she has adored through relationship challenges, career highs and lows, and more. (For a deeper dive into her story, see page 11.) The fun continues with simple and sincere ways to shower your kids with love, from a flash of affection in their lunch box (page 18) to a Saturday spent side by side, creating art (page 42) or baking (page 69). I’m planning to partake in all three activities at my house this year, in addition to “making” our usual heartshaped toaster waffles for breakfast and serving pink birthday cupcakes in honor of our younger son, Gabriel, who swooped into our lives like Cupid on Valentine’s Day three years ago. The truth is, there aren’t enough cheesy cards or candy hearts in the world to express how crazy I am for my kids. But on this holiday, it’s just plain fun to do away with old expectations, skip the wilting roses and the prix-fixe dinner, and watch my kids light up from love. (And if a tote filled with the beauty haul on page 51 should find its way onto my pillow? That’d be A-OK too.) Happy Valentine’s Day to you and all the loves in your life!
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R E L AT E . R E J O I C E . R E AC T. R E M I N I S C E .
• COV ER
S T ORY
TESS HOLLIDAY’S WARDROBE STYLING BY MEAGHAN O’CONNOR. CHILDREN’S WARDROBE STYLING BY VERONICA ALVERICCI FOR ART DEPARTMENT. MAKEUP BY MICHELLE MUNGCAL FOR THE VISIONARIES AGENCY. HAIRSTYLING BY WHITNEY SCHIELD USING PLAYA AT ATELIER MANAGEMENT. MANICURE BY MIMI D. USING DEFY & INSPIRE AT THE CELESTINE AGENCY. PROP STYLING BY BRIAN TOFFOLI. CHILD WRANGLING BY JENIFER STAPINSKI. ON TESS: DRESS, ELOQUII. SHOES, NORDSTROM. RINGS, TORRID AND MAISON MIRU. EARRINGS, NATALIE MILLS.
Model Citizen Tess Holliday made a name for herself by rejecting traditional beauty standards in favor of loving and flaunting her body exactly as it is. That unapologetic selfacceptance is a virtue she’s teaching her kids too. by M A R G A R E T WA P P L E R photographs by B R I G I T T E S I R E
Holliday’s array of intricate tattoos include tons of flowers and portraits of Miss Piggy and Dolly Parton.
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“ H OW A R E YO U ? ”
is never a simple question for a social-media influencer. Especially one as authentic and transparent as Tess Holliday, a model, author, and proponent of body positivity. “It’s been a year of transition,” she answered. “But I’m happier now than I’ve been in a decade.” Over the course of an afternoon with her family at the Aquarium of the Pacific, in Long Beach, California, we delved into it all. This year, Holliday moved houses, fully emerged from postpartum depression, and embraced being “a little bit selfish,” though I don’t think selfish is the right word. She is simply learning to take care of herself with the same spirit of devotion, love, and humor she showers on her family, including sons Rylee, 14, and Bowie, 3. “I was suffering,” Holliday confessed. “I was putting my kids and my husband ahead of myself. I was losing myself. But all of that is changing.” A quick primer on Holliday, for anyone who has missed out: Her gospel of total self-acceptance boils down to “If I can love myself in my current form,” around a size 22, “so can you.” Through her #EffYourBeautyStandards hashtag and movement, she refuses to hide: “Seeing myself, a fat woman represented in media, is what it’s all about.” She has 2 million followers
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on Instagram, where she shares everything from cooing over Baby Yoda with her toddler son, Bowie, to how much water and how many snacks she’s taking on a long drive. Then there’s her 2017 memoir, The Not So Subtle Art of Being a Fat Girl, in which she reveals, among other things, how she got pregnant at 19 and then, years later, got scouted to model based on MySpace photos. The first bona fide plus-size model to be signed by a major agency, she walked in New York Fashion Week last year for the label Chromat and has been on the covers of Cosmo, Self, and People. Her Parents cover is her first alongside her kids. Holliday has her legion of fans, but she’s also a target. She handles haters with a cool mixture of grace and attitude.
When a troll accuses her of promoting diabetes or otherwise shames her for her weight, her signature move is to calmly dismember the person’s argument and keep it moving—“it” being her glamorous, love-filled life. A dismissive arch of one of her impeccably groomed eyebrows never hurts either.
H O L L I D AY H A S H E R LEG I O N O F FAN S , BUT SHE’S ALSO A TA R G E T. S H E H A N D L E S H AT E R S WITH A COOL MIXTURE OF GRACE A N D AT T I T U D E .
Born in Mississippi as Ryann Maegen Hoven, Holliday got her unshakable grit from her single mother, Beth Tadlock, who was partially paralyzed when Holliday was a child after a boyfriend shot her in the head and left her for dead. “My mom is one of my best friends,” Holliday said. They don’t agree on everything, though (namely politics). Her mother lived with her until a year and a half ago (she moved back to Mississippi to be with Holliday’s ailing grandparents). Tadlock is still working to accept some things about Holliday, such as her recent coming out as queer. “I do challenge her and tell her how I feel and what’s important to me,” Holliday said. “But my mom always shows up for me. If I call, she’s there, and that’s what matters to me more than anything.” As we ambled through the dark hallways of the aquarium with Bowie and Rylee, everyone seemed relaxed and happy to have a day off from school. Bowie ran up to the neon-blue tanks, and when he tried to give a Nemo clone a punch through the glass, Holliday cracked up. “You can’t do that, silly,” she said, laughing and shaking her head. Then she gave him a squeeze, one of the many she gave when he held still long enough. Rylee, in a black Beatles T-shirt and sunglasses, kept close, drinking up his mother’s company and listening intently to our conversation. Jolene Laveglia, Holliday’s close friend and Bowie’s nanny since he was 3 months old, was also on hand. She smiled when Holliday described her as a “fiercely loyal punk rocker who makes me laugh constantly.”
ON RYLEE: SHIRT, URBAN OUTFITTERS. PANTS, HOLLISTER. SHOES, VANS. ON TESS: DRESS, ELOQUII. SHOES, SAM EDELMAN. BRACELET, ELIZABETH STONE. EARRINGS, ASOS. RINGS, TORRID AND MAISON MIRU. ON BOWIE: SWEAT SUIT, COTTON ON. SHOES, VANS.
LET’S GET REAL
“If I didn’t have Jolene to help me, I wouldn’t be here,” Holliday said. A few weeks ago, when Holliday’s Long Beach rental had yet another structural problem that would need repairing, Laveglia invited the family to move into her Costa Mesa onebedroom so Holliday could save money while looking to buy in the area. Rylee is living temporarily with John,
Holliday’s ex-boyfriend, who prompted her initial move to Los Angeles nearly a decade ago. He’s a close father figure in Rylee’s life; Rylee doesn’t have a relationship with his biological dad, whom Holliday described in her memoir as a one-night stand. At age 20, Holliday struggled to feel close to newborn Rylee at first. “I loved him, but I didn’t feel maternal toward
him until he was a toddler.” Now they have a tight, jocular bond. She teases him about “the one-day flu” he had recently. When he reminded her to look at his grades, she checked her email and exploded with accolades: “These are the best grades you’ve ever had!” Then, with a sly glance, she asked, “Are you paying your teachers?” “School is easy,” he said.
“Easy?!” They laughed and lightly wrestled for a second. “It’s so funny,” Holliday said a moment later. “Some of the PTA moms from Rylee’s school follow me on Instagram. I’m, like, hoo-boy, you’re gonna see it all on here.” A few of the mothers even came to Holliday’s recent yard sale, when she was moving out. To Holliday’s surprise, one of Rylee’s classmates told her she’s an inspiration. “I always feel, especially at Bowie’s Montessori, that I’m judged a lot as a mom. Like people think, ‘Oh, look at her. She’s loud and tattooed and probably doesn’t care about her kids.’ Which is obviously the opposite of what I am.” Since she had Bowie and started Instagramming more about #momlife, the haters have taken a new tack. “People assume I can’t pick up my son or that I’ll drop dead soon,” Holliday said. “But I’ve always responded with, ‘Why would I put my body through being a mom and childbirth to not be around for them?’ ” Holliday replied this way after a post of her and Bowie sparked several cruel comments: “Imagine just wanting to share photos of my kid & instead being told I’m unfit to be his mom because of my size. We aren’t promised tomorrow, regardless of our weight, and if I were to drop dead today, both my boys would know how loved they were and what a badass their mom was.” At the aquarium and at Chili’s for lunch, she frequently called both boys Bubba (a family nickname from her Mississippi roots), and the right one always turned around. “There are a lot of similarities between parenting a toddler and a
LET’S GET REAL
Three posts from Holliday’s Insta, where she shares glam selfies and sweet mom moments alike.
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PA R E N T S ’ LI G H T N I N G ROUND Dream travel spot Japan, Greece, India, Bali ... Secret guilty pleasure Cooking-competition shows. I could watch all day. Latest mom win Getting Bowie into a jacket! Although the cold may have had something to do with it. Fave clothing line I’ve been wearing my new Effyourbeautystandards x FTF line nonstop. I’m so proud of it! I feel most beautiful On set, doing what I love! Biggest pet peeves Gender-reveal parties and people who are rude to waitstaff For V-Day, candy hearts or chocolate? Chocolate, but only dark!
challenging baby who didn’t sleep well. “I felt incredibly isolated. People thought they should give me space, but I just felt really sad.”
Holliday has been open on Instagram about her struggles with postpartum depression. But she’s been more reluctant to say what’s going on with her husband, Nick Holliday. She revealed that he has been in his native Australia since September, “working on himself.” She declined to clarify the current status of their relationship. Both of them are trying to regain balance, Holliday said. “I’m just now finding some stability with my mental health,” she told me. Holliday is still negotiating how she wants to post about her kids and how much she wants to open them up to potential judgment. “I don’t share a lot of my kids on social media for a reason,” she said. “But also I want to connect with other parents, to be a role model for them, and that means actually sharing my kids on social media. So right now I’m finding the balance of, well, how can I show my daily life with them?” For Holliday, the issue of showing her kids online is connected with consent. Since Rylee is now old enough, she asks his permission to post pictures of him or write about him online. “It’s refreshing and weird when your kids get older and
they’re able to tell you how they feel and what they want. And I’m glad that I’m able to listen. When I was Rylee’s age, I definitely didn’t have that luxury to be able to voice how I felt and have someone hear me and see me, you know?” The time has come for Holliday to be truly free—to be what some might call selfish, to accept that, as the airlines say, she has to put the oxygen mask on herself first. “I just hope I’m doing all this right,” she said, about parenting. As for the future? “As long as my kids are happy, and they’re contributing members of society and they’re not hurting themselves or anyone else … I just want to fit in, in whatever way that they want me to be in their lives. I hope that we’re always close. And I hope that I get to keep growing right along with them.”
S E E T E S S I N AC T I O N Scan this code with your phone’s camera to take a peek at Tess Holliday’s intimate, often hilarious Instagram account (no app needed).
IMAGES COURTESY OF TESS HOLLIDAY.
teenager,” Holliday told me. But the stakes, according to Holliday, are higher with the teenager than the threenager. With an older kid, “you have to pick your words more carefully and your thoughts and your actions,” she said. “And it’s a lot of pressure. I know I could say something that sticks with him, and that’s the thing he’s in therapy for forever.” Holliday knows from experience. She recalled what her father said to her when she was 14 and had aspirations of joining the swim team: “ ‘Don’t you think you’re a little big for that?’ Up until then, I had never thought of my weight. And then when he said it, I went from being this kid who wore a bikini to ... ” Holliday paused. “There was nothing wrong with my body. But he put that in my head.” A difficult childhood set Holliday up for a tough bout of postpartum depression. Certainly, statistics show that if a person has had prior trauma, she’s more likely to become depressed after giving birth. Holliday faced an uphill battle to mental balance after Bubba #2 was born. “I went deep into the newborn cave,” she said. Breastfeeding was harder the second time, and Bowie was a
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of a relationship has always taken second place to the mental. It’s not that I don’t like sex, but I’ve never been one to equate it with love. My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years, and while we have had our fair share of passionate encounters, our typical nightly routine consists of wrangling two young boys into the bathtub, wrestling them into their pajamas, reading them books, asking them to go to sleep, begging them to go to sleep, and then giving up and falling asleep ourselves. Initiating sex when you have children seems like tacking on an additional 5 miles to a day that already feels like a marathon. The reality is that comfort and trust lead to complacency. It’s the downside of knowing that the person lying next to you is fully committed to the relationship, that he will be there in the morning and the morning after that. When sex is always available, you don’t obsess over it like you do with carbs banned from your gluten-free diet . I was living with my best friend, and as long as we were laughing and talking and working together as a team, I often felt that the romance could wait. Then I turned 40 and started waking up each morning with anxiety. Week after week, I would chase a
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W E N E E D TO TA LK .
Sex and the City as Parents I couldn’t help but wonder: What would happen if we prioritized intimacy? by J E N N Y M O L L E N
phantom physical ailment through my body, convinced that my grip on life was weakening. I didn’t know what I had, but I was convinced I had something. My younger son, Lazlo, was about to turn 2. Unlike his older brother, Sid, he was already unlocking the front door of our apartment and walking out on me as if he were an emancipated minor on his way to star in a reboot of Home Alone. Aside from wanting to turn back time on my baby, I wanted to turn back time
on myself. I wanted to feel young and healthy and relevant. In my mind there was only one thing that could truly protect me from my impending doom, and that was to reproduce. Jason and I discussed the idea of three children in the abstract, with neither one of us coming to a conclusion. There was no denying that we had our hands full with two, but there was also no telling how insanely cute our holiday card would look with just one more. We weren’t certain what the right answer was, so
we decided to take a month and roll the dice. Over the course of the following weeks, we were diligent about making time for intimacy. And something sort of amazing happened: We got closer—not just physically but emotionally. I was more into him than I’d been in years. I was able to step outside my own neuroses and appreciate all the ways he was contributing as a partner and father. Suddenly, he looked more attractive tidying up around the house. I even started to find it charming when he would incessantly remind me to take off my shoes at the front door. For the first time, I got what my therapist had been saying for years: In making time to jump each other’s bones, Jason and I were also taking time to connect. I didn’t get pregnant that month, but sex helped me feel seen and taken care of in a way I didn’t even know I needed. We still don’t know if we want more children, but I do know the act of potentially making them is something I will no longer let slide.
WHAT DID J E NNY POST TO DAY? Scan this code with your phone’s camera to see her Instagram (no app needed), or follow @jennymollen.
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LET HER KNOW THAT ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE
JA: Inspiring Tomorrows Today, many young people don’t have someone to show them how to believe in themselves, be part of a team, plan for the future, embrace their dreams. You can help change that. By supporting Junior Achievement, your words, engagement and investment can change lives. Let’s inspire tomorrows by working together to positively change the future, one life at a time.
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LET’S GET REAL
“gooooob morning. i think. with the right amount of peanut butter. today could go well.”
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You’re Welcome! Your monthly dose of what’s new, novel, and need-to-know
We love an audiobook that makes everyone in the car smile. Meryl Streep and cast reading Charlotte’s Web is exactly that. $15; audible.com
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SO HELPFUL
is a touching Instagram account collecting tales of food, family, and nostalgia. A handwritten recipe card or a memory about Sunday-dinner meatballs and gravy will give you all the feels.
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HELP THEM THRIVE I N E V E RY WAY
P I C K Y- E AT E R T R I C KS _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _T O P 1 0 S L E E P S O L U T I O N S VA L E N T I N E S F O R T H E C L A S S
The More You Nose! Don’t wait until he gets a cold to help him master the skill of blowing his nose. A kid as young as 2 can learn how. Your child is probably already pretty good at blowing air out of his mouth (thanks, bubble wands and birthday candles!), and he can use the same concept to clear his nostrils. To practice, gently place a finger over your child’s lips to show him that he can make air come out of his nose, photograph by S T E P H A N I E R AU S S E R
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K I D S Ñ Ne w s + I d e a s
… C O N T I N U E D
—Aleksandra Weber
ASK A DIETITIAN-MOM
How much protein does my kid need?
BOOKMARK THIS!
Comic Relief at Bedtime Jimmy Kimmel’s first picture book, The Serious Goose, made our kid testers crack up, but the late-night host’s 2-year-old son and 5-year-old daughter were a tougher crowd. “Billy prefers dinosaurs in his stories, and Jane’s favorite is the Dr. Seuss classic Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” he told us in an exclusive interview. Despite what his in-house critics think, here are five reasons why Kimmel’s title deserves to be in your read-aloud rotation. HE’S ONE OF US
Most nights, Kimmel’s kids try to negotiate their number of bedtime stories. Since he feels your pain, he included this reassuring message on the book’s jacket: “Dear parents: This book takes five minutes to read so you can get on with your lives.” HIS DAUGHTER WAS THE INSPO
“I call Jane Goose and ask her if she’s going to be a serious or a silly goose,” says Kimmel. The book’s goal: Make that serious goose lighten up! H E I L L U S T R AT E D I T T O O
Orange beaks, moose antlers, pizza boxes—they’re all Kimmel’s artwork. Plus, he handled the lettering. “That was the absolute hardest part,” says Kimmel, who once hoped to be an artist. “I drew it all by hand rather than using software.” IT’S INTERACTIVE
When nothing—not even a goose dressed as a moose—makes the character’s sour expression budge, little listeners can try. A few pages later, there’s a mirror. “Look in the mirror and give it a shot. Make funny faces. Let’s see what you’ve got,” Kimmel writes. H O S P I TA L S W I L L R E A P T H E B E N E F I T S
Billy was born with a rare heart condition and had surgery at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. “I’m donating all the money I make from the book to children’s hospitals,” Kimmel says, noting that the type of operation his son received wasn’t available a decade ago. —Karen Cicero
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A. Not as much as you might think. Protein is critical for kids while they’re growing because it builds muscle, cells, and hormones and helps make meals and snacks satisfying. But while protein can be used for energy, the body’s preferred source is carbs and fats. Keep the following amounts of protein in mind: A G E S 1 T O 3 : 13 grams/day A G E S 4 T O 8 : 19 grams/day A G E S 9 T O 1 3 : 34 grams/day
Of course, these are just minimums to meet basic health needs, and some children (especially bigger, more active kids) will require more. But government surveys show that kids across all age groups get plenty. That’s no wonder, since it’s found in a lot of foods besides meat. A glass of milk has almost 8 grams, a cup of regular pasta has 7, and a string-cheese stick has 6, so you can see how quickly it adds up. Don’t worry about crunching numbers or counting grams. Serving balanced meals and snacks with a variety of foods gives your child lots of chances to get enough. If you have a picky eater, know that even “plain” foods provide protein—white bread offers more than 2 grams per slice and mac ’n’ cheese has 9 grams per cup. But if your child eats very few foods, talk to your pediatrician or dietitian. Skimping too much can lead to poor growth over time. —Sally Kuzemchak, R.D., author of The 101 Healthiest Foods for Kids and blogger at RealMomNutrition.com
BOOK: PETER ARDITO. KIMMEL: ANDY HOLMES/CONTRIBUTOR/GETTY. GIRL: MAAHOO STUDIO/STOCKSY.
says Katherine O’Connor, M.D., a mom of three and a pediatrician at the Children’s Hospital at Montefiore, in New York City. You can also teach him to blow bubbles underwater during a bath and then have him apply the same technique when his nose feels stuffed up. But if your kid learns best through play, challenge him to this fun race: Have him move a cotton ball, a feather, or a little ball of tissue paper across a flat surface as fast as possible—using only his nose! (Just be prepared for sprays of snot, and wipe down the surface afterward.) When it’s time for tissues, place one over your child’s nose and press down on his left nostril while he blows out of his right. Repeat with the other nostril, then let him do it. It’s always helpful to demonstrate it yourself. “Young kids love to imitate, so they are more likely to try to use tissues on their own if they see you using them first,” says Rebecca G. Carter, M.D., a mom of two and a pediatrician at the University of Maryland Children’s Hospital, in Baltimore. You can also show him by using tissues and pretend sneezing into your arm during playtime. To make sure that germy tissues get disposed of properly, take advantage of your kid’s eagerness to be helpful by giving him the “garbage collector” job for a few minutes daily. “Even if he misses the pail when he tosses a wrapper or a used napkin, it’ll show him that he can help you in small ways around the house,” says Dr. Carter, who successfully used this strategy with both her kids. When your child does get sick, throwing out his used tissues will be a natural extension of what he already knows how to do.
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applying small amounts of pressure to the spine.
Could a Chiropractor Soothe Colic? You feed, burp, and change your baby, but she’s still fussy. So when your friend posts on Facebook about taking her colicky baby to a chiropractor, you wonder if that could help your little one too. Experts weigh in. CONSIDER IT AN OPTION
The truth is, not much research exists on the safety or effectiveness of chiropractic treatment for infants. Some otherwise healthy infants are more prone to prolonged crying or crankiness between 1 and 3 months of age, but experts don’t know why. “Going to a chiropractor at this age could help limit overall fussiness with little risk,” says Tamika Bush, D.O., a holistic integrative pediatrician at Pure G Kids Wellness, in Houston, who uses traditional medicine
and holistic care to treat patients. “The spine connects to many nerve endings, so adjusting might reduce discomfort.” If you want to try it, look for a board-certified chiropractor who specializes in treating kids. And check that your insurance covers your baby. In the appointment, you’ll likely discuss your pregnancy and your baby’s birth and medical history. The chiropractor will look at your baby’s natural posture and the positions she seems to prefer. Most adjustments are painless and require
PR ACTICE TUMMY TIME
Another solution is to move your baby’s muscles and joints, which were pulled and squished during birth. “Start during her first weeks,” says Dr. Williamson. “Spending time on her belly will help align her spine and neck and strengthen her muscles.” To relieve gas that can contribute to colic, you can pedal her legs or give her a massage by facing her tummy down across your legs while lightly rubbing her back. —Kara Thompson
COLD-SEASON HACK
Make the Most of the Mist You may rely on a humidifier to ease your kid’s congestion while he sleeps, but using it improperly could do more harm than good, especially if your child has allergies, says Dennis Cooley, M.D., a pediatrician in Topeka, Kansas, and past president of the Kansas Chapter of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Take note of these guidelines. Choose wisely. “Evaporative” cool-mist humidifiers don’t pump as much bacteria and moisture into the air as “impeller” types. Never use a hot-water vaporizer in a kid’s room because a spill can cause serious scalds or burns.
Clean it regularly. Follow your model’s instructions so mold and bacteria don’t build up and spread around the room. Antimicrobial products like Protec Humidifier Cleaning Fish placed in the tank can also offer extra protection.
Use distilled water. Tap water can lead to crusty mineral buildup inside the humidifier, which can breed bacteria. These minerals can also create a white dust on surfaces when the humidifier is running. Distilled water resolves both issues. —A.W.
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NEWS TO SMILE ABOUT
1
A new treatment helps preemies overcome a common chronic lung condition. About 20 percent of babies with bronchopulmonary dysplasia don’t survive, but more than 96 percent do at Nationwide Children’s Hospital, in Columbus, Ohio. The secret: ventilators that deliver larger breaths at a slower rate, allowing the babies to stay awake and undergo guided therapy and play, rather than being sedated. 2
A first-of-its-kind device has been approved to treat scoliosis. The FDA announced that The Tether—a flexible cord connected to screws in the vertebrae that allows a wider range of motion compared with more traditional procedures—can be used to correct progressive idiopathic scoliosis, the most common type, in kids who don’t respond to a brace and would otherwise need spinal-fusion surgery. 3
Good stuff can outweigh the bad when it comes to unfortunate childhood events. Positive experiences such as having good neighbors, regular meals, or a caregiver a child feels safe with have the potential to negate harmful health effects caused by adverse experiences like divorce or a death in the family, says a new study from Brigham Young University. —Emily Elveru
TOP: ODUA IMAGES/SHUTTERSTOCK. BOTTOM: THAYER ALLYSON GOWDY.
RULE OUT OTHER CAU S E S
Gastrointestinal issues like acid reflux could be making your baby fussy, says Katherine Williamson, M.D., a pediatrician at the Children’s Hospital of Orange County, in Ladera Ranch, California, and a spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics. It may also mean he’s not eating enough or, if you’re nursing, that your supply is decreasing. Regular weight checks with your doctor can tell you if this is the problem. Or your baby could be sensitive to light or temperature. Putting blackout curtains in his room or dressing him in layers may help.
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H E LP FO R E V E RY
P I C K Y E AT E R There are many reasons why kids shun their food. To end your dinner-table battles, you’ll need to know which kind of choosy eater you’re dealing with— and how our low-stress strategies can help. by S T E P H A N I E W O O D / photographs by P R I S C I L L A G R A G G
E AV E S D R O P O N
a group of preschool parents chatting at the playground and chances are you’ll hear complaints about picky eating. Turnedup noses and mealtime standoffs are common for kids between the ages of 2 and 5. But that doesn’t mean all finicky kids are dealing with the same issues. Here are six of the most common picky-eater “types,” plus expert advice on how to address the problem, because figuring out just what makes your choosy eater tick—er, gag—will start you both on a path to happier meals.
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THE REGRESSOR
You were the just-a-little-bitsmug mom who humblebragged about how well your baby ate. Then, suddenly, at age 2, he lost all interest in previously loved foods, and mealtimes became power struggles. Was all that palate training in vain?
Studies show that the more flavors babies try, the more likely they are to enjoy a wide variety of foods when they get older, but that means when they’re W H AT ’ S G O I N G O N :
approaching double digits and beyond. By the time they’re 18 months, you should expect the unexpected. One reason is that kids’ appetites vary because their growth rate slows dramatically. “Your child may eat a lot at one meal and very little at another, and that’s okay,” says Katja Rowell, M.D., a childhoodfeeding specialist and author of Helping Your Child With Extreme Picky Eating. Melanie Potock, a pediatric speech-language pathologist, feeding specialist, and author of Adventures in Veggieland, adds, “At this age, a child
learns that he has a lot of control over his parents’ behavior, and that can be fun!” Rejecting foods is one way to exert his toddler power. W H AT T O D O A B O U T I T:
When your child rejects foods he loved the day before, you’ll be tempted to cross them off the dinner list. Don’t! “He may come back to them next week or month (or year) but only if you keep them in your repertoire,” says Dr. Rowell. The key to turning the tide is to keep things chill. That means not pressuring your kid to take a bite but still serving the food in new ways.
K I D S Ñ Nut r it i o n
THE F L AV O R H AT E R
Your 2-year-old will eat only über-plain foods like bread and butter, crackers, and cereal with milk. Once in a blue moon, you can coax her to eat a few bites of scrambled eggs, but the process is exhausting. Are you destined to serve only bland foods forever?
Many toddlers have a natural aversion to strongly flavored foods, and that’s actually an evolutionary advantage. When our ancestors were old enough to wander away from their cave-parents, it would have been disastrous if they tried every leaf in the landscape. So kids get choosier as they become more mobile, especially when it comes to bold, bitter flavors (veggies, we’re looking at you). And when kids start to get picky, it’s easy for parents to offer mostly simple, bland food. “However, if you cater to those W H AT ’ S G O I N G O N :
preferences, children are less likely to expand beyond this limited range of flavors,” notes Karen Le Billon, food educator and author of Getting to Yum. W H AT T O D O A B O U T I T: Instead of sticking with the guaranteed wins every day, try to slowly train your child’s taste buds to enjoy more complex flavors. If your kid likes pasta with butter, offer it with olive oil. Once that’s accepted, add some Parmesan cheese. “When I introduced a Thai curry chicken to my daughters, I used more coconut milk at first, then gradually upped the curry,” says Le Billon. You don’t need to announce these changes. But if your kid asks, you shouldn’t lie. Le Billon adds, “Kids learn by imitation and are also reassured when their parents are obviously enjoying the same food.” Of course, not all kids will attempt a new taste no matter how you prepare it, so let them get comfortable by smelling, touching, and licking foods first. “Involving your child with meal prep helps because she’ll get to experience the food without having to eat it,” notes Potock.
“Crafting with food is another fun way to explore it. Build a house with asparagus or create a broccoli jungle. It’s also a great idea to pick up a set of small spoons, which give kids more control when they do decide they’re ready to try a bite.”
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THE GUZZLER
Your 3-year-old son would much rather drink than eat. So that he gets enough nutrition, you give him Pediasure for breakfast. Then he drinks mostly milk throughout the day. You think it’s just a phase, and hey, at least he’s drinking milk! But he isn’t very interested in solid foods at mealtime. W H AT ’ S G O I N G O N : “This is a common issue because young children have one priority: playing! It’s much quicker to gulp down a drink than to sit and eat at the table,” says Potock. “Since parents consider milk to be nutritious, they don’t worry about serving plenty of it. Then, suddenly, their kid is in the habit of drinking milk all day. And while any beverage can interfere with appetite, milk is double trouble: All that calcium can be constipating.” Even mild constipation, which you might not be
aware of, slows down your child’s gut and decreases his appetite. Still, it’s a good idea to check in with your pediatrician if your child is a liquid lover. “Some children who prefer liquids have an undetected tongue-tie or motor delays that make it difficult to bite or chew,” notes Potock. W H AT T O D O A B O U T I T: Once those issues are ruled out, rethink your beverage routine. Give your child a small cup of milk only at mealtime. If he drinks all the milk first, next time give him a little water with the meal instead, and then the milk after he eats, Potock recommends. Between meals, water is the way to go. And since your child’s preference for drinks probably means he’s eager to get up from the table, it may also be helpful to set a timer for seven to ten minutes and ask him to sit with the family for just that long. Then he can go play, whether or not he has eaten or everyone else is finished. You can gradually add minutes to his table time.
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THE SUPER FEELER
Your 2-year-old has big-time texture hang-ups. She thinks carrots are too hard, yogurt is too slimy, and cucumbers are too smooth. It seems like every meal is a struggle to find foods that she’ll tolerate.
Discomfort with textures is a typical problem for good reason: “Young kids have a wide range in chewing ability,” says Le Billon. “Their teeth, jaws, and surrounding muscles are still developing, and they may not feel in control when some foods are in their mouth. So they reject them.” W H AT T O D O A B O U T I T: Proper seating can be a big help. “Young children can chew more effectively when their core muscles are supported by their feet,” Le Billon explains, “so give your child a stool to rest her feet on when sitting at the table instead of letting them dangle.” W H AT ’ S G O I N G O N :
K I D S Ñ Nut r it i o n
(Or invest in a junior chair that can live at the table. We like the IKEA Urban Junior Chair, $40; ikea.com.) And experiment with different textures. Instead of serving either raw or mushy veggies, try blanching them for a happy medium, Potock suggests. Drop them into boiling water for a few minutes, then transfer them to a bowl of ice water. This process makes the veggies tender, with just a little crunch. Then cut them into very small cubes and start by asking your child to put a bite on her molars. “Children feel safer if they can feel the food against their teeth,” she notes. “And the flavor won’t be as intense and overwhelming as it is on her tongue, where all the taste buds are.” If chewy meat is an unpleasant texture for your child, bake, roast, or use a slow cooker or a pressure cooker so meats are melt-in-your-mouth soft. Beef or turkey meatballs can be a good option, too, as long as they are very moist. Serve gravy or sauce on the side if your child prefers to dip.
THE GAGGER
Your 4-year-old eats a grand total of seven foods. When you are successful in persuading him to try something new, he always gags—which is unpleasant for both of you. It makes him less likely to try new foods and you less likely to serve them.
For many kids, gagging can be a sign that mealtime has gotten too stressful. Your child may be having a dramatic reaction to efforts to “get” him to eat. Dr. Rowell adds, “If he has had difficult, unpleasant, or painful experiences related to food, such as severe reflux, constipation, a scary choking episode, or coercive and forceful feeding, that can be a factor too.” However, frequent gagging could also be a red flag that your child has oral-motor or sensory issues. Oral-motor skills refer to a child’s ability to move his lips, jaw, tongue, and facial muscles in an W H AT ’ S G O I N G O N :
age-appropriate manner. “If your child has a sensory issue, he may either under- or overreact to a sense,” Potock explains. “He may think he needs to stuff his cheeks with food in order to truly feel it in his mouth or gag at the slightest change in texture.” W H AT T O D O A B O U T I T: To explore whether your child has an oral-motor or sensory issue, talk to your pediatrician. A referral to an occupational therapist or a speech-language pathologist who specializes in feeding difficulties may be the next step. Known as feeding therapists, these pros will review your child’s feeding history, growth, and development and evaluate his eating behaviors and skills in various situations. They may coach you on how to help him at home—or work with him directly with techniques that should be both gentle and fun—to gradually overcome any challenges. (Many insurance plans cover this treatment.) If you rule out an oral-motor or sensory problem, try involving your
before ever tasting it,” Potock says. “The added sensory exposure may help pique his curiosity and make mealtime fun instead of stressful. Plus, with a small spoon as an option, a child is more likely to put a little on his own plate.”
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THE UNTOUCHABLE
PETER ARDITO.
college?
child with the food at the table without any pressure. One of Potock’s favorite strategies is to make your child the family’s “master server.” Rather than passing serving bowls around, put them in front of him with a big serving spoon and a smaller spoon in each dish. Have your child ask each family member, “Do you want one scoop or two? A big scoop or a small scoop?” then put the requested amount on each person’s plate. “This way, he’s exposed to the food through his eyes, ears, and nose
Your toddler likes a variety of flavors (phew!), but she’s extremely picky about how her food is presented. Heaven forbid she’s served a casserole! She’ll eat only if every ingredient is in a separate small pile on her plate with not a millimeter touching.
When your child prefers dishes deconstructed, is insistent about the way a food is cut up, or doesn’t want foods to touch, it’s usually a control issue, Potock says. “It often starts with some anxiety—maybe she’s nervous about starting preschool or W H AT ’ S G O I N G O N :
excited about an upcoming holiday—so she already has butterflies in her stomach when she sits down to eat,” she notes. “The way for her to calm down is to gain control by saying, ‘I want it this way.’ When you respond accordingly, it makes her feel better, and the habit is born.” W H AT T O D O A B O U T I T : Serving food the way your child wants it is okay, and that can help the whole family eat the same meal (win!). But help her move beyond the deconstruction zone by explaining that everyone needs a tiny bit of taco or lasagna on their plate. Have her assemble the taco on a tiny piece of shell or serve herself a dab of the lasagna so she has the sensory experience of handling the combined food. Don’t insist she eat it, but it has to be on her plate so she gets used to what it looks like. If she gets upset, just stay calm and say, “We all have tacos on our plate tonight,” and ask her about her latest playdate or her new pet fish. Sometimes not talking about food at the table is the best way to ensure happy meals.
S E N D YO U R C OUG H I N TO H I B E RN AT ION. DAY OR NI GHT.
The real honey you love, plus the fast, effective cough relief of Robitussin.
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Presented by BABY DOVE Powered by PARENTS
r Yes, you n b a by c a doze this sound ly
!
Sleep Tips for Desperate Parents So you’ve stepped past delirium and are on to completely losing your mind from lack of zzz’s? Sleep experts share their top tricks for putting your little one to bed. Get ready: You’re about to take back your nights. by K AT E R O C K W O O D
SARAH CARLSON/OFFSET.
1. Spring into action at the first sign of sleepiness.
“Timing is critical. Tuning into your baby’s natural biological rhythms—by reading her telltale drowsy signs—ensures that when she’s placed in her crib, melatonin (the powerful sleep hormone) is elevated in her system, and her brain and body will be primed to
drift off with little fuss. If you wait too long, however, your infant can become overtired, so not only will she have lower melatonin levels, but her brain begins to release wakefulness hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This makes it difficult for your baby to fall asleep and stay
asleep and can lead to early wake-ups. So don’t miss these cues: When your little one is still, quiet, disinterested in her surroundings, and staring off into space, melatonin is peaking in her system and it’s time to go to bed.” —Jenni June, a sleep consultant in Los Angeles
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K I D S Ñ S o lut i on s
to keep a one-piece, a swaddle, or a sleep sack nearby—whatever it is your baby needs to continue the night comfortably—so you’re not hunting through drawers every time your baby’s diaper leaks.” —Aimi Palmer, a sleep consultant and cofounder of AB Child Solutions, in London
2. Drown out sound ... with sound.
3. Don’t give up on swaddling. “It’s the first piece of advice I give to new parents, and they often say, ‘I tried swaddling, and my baby hated it.’ But sleep changes so rapidly in those early weeks that what she hates at 4 days might work at 4 weeks. And you’ll get better with practice too. It’s common to
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6. Take turns.
swaddle too loosely the first few times or feel flustered if your baby is wailing. Believe me, it’s worth another shot, as long as she is still too young to roll over. Try different types of swaddles, like the Miracle Blanket, which wraps snugly around, or the Swaddle Up, which lets your baby keep her hands up by her face—and maybe make it a little tighter or leave one of her arms out.” —Linda Szmulewitz, a licensed social worker and founder of The Chicago New Moms Group and Sleep Tight Consultants
4. Drop the temp. “We all sleep best in a cool room, including babies. Aim to keep your thermostat between 68°F and 72°F to give your baby the most
comfortable sleep. If her fingers feel chilly, that’s normal. To reassure yourself, put your hand on her chest. If it’s warm, she’s warm enough.” —Nalle
5. Prepare for quick changes. “Hunting for a fresh crib sheet after your baby soaks his diaper or spits up is miserable in the middle of the night, and turning on the lights can wake him up more fully, meaning getting him back to sleep can take an eternity. Instead, double layer ahead of time: Use a regular crib sheet, then a disposable waterproof pad, then another sheet on top. That way, you can just peel off the top layer and pad, throw the sheet in the hamper, and toss the waterproof pad. Also be sure
“If you have a partner, there’s no reason both of you need to be awake every time the baby is. I tell all new families to divide up the night. Maybe you go to bed at 10 p.m. and sleep until 2 a .m., and your partner sleeps the early-morning shift. Even if you wake to nurse, let your partner handle the diaper change before and soothe the baby after. This way you’ll both get four or five hours of uninterrupted sleep—which makes all the difference.” —Nalle
7. Send an early riser to a new time zone. “Waking at 5 a .m. is rough, and it’s one of the hardest things to fix. Parents often try making their baby’s bedtime later, but what you really need to do is shift his circadian rhythm, as if he’s flying to Bermuda and needs to function in a new time zone. That means everything (lunch, the afternoon nap, bathtime) needs to move to a later time. If you shift it by 15 minutes each day, you can adjust his body clock in about a week.” —Nalle
THIS PAGE: MIKE KEMP/GETTY. OPPOSITE: IMAGE SOURCE/GETTY.
“Blackout shades and a white-noise machine transform a nursery into a womb-like environment—and muffle the noise and light from outside. Half of a baby’s sleep is REM, or rapid eye movement. This is the light-sleep stage in which dreams occur, so it can seem as if almost anything will wake him: Your phone rings in the living room, you laugh too loudly at your Netflix show, you pull a tissue out of the box. But that is less likely to happen with a white-noise machine running because the background noise covers it all. Some have timers, but I prefer the ones that plug in so they stay on all night. The Marpac Dohm is my favorite. I tell parents to test the volume by having one person stand outside the door and talk. The white noise should muffle the voice but not drown it out completely.” —Brooke Nalle, a sleep consultant and founder of Sleepy on Hudson, in Dobbs Ferry, New York
8. Help her find her paci. “If your baby cries because she’s hungry or wet, that’s understandable, but waking up in the middle of the night because she can’t find the pacifier is frustrating for all. You can teach her to find it on her own: Put a couple of pacifiers in one corner of the crib, and every time she loses one in the night, go in and help her reach for it herself by bringing her hand to that corner. This shows her where the pacifiers are, so if one goes missing, she can find another and get back to sleep. She should figure it out in about a week.” —Jodi Mindell, Ph.D., a Parents advisor, associate director of the Sleep Center at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, and author of Sleeping Through the Night
9.
It Worked for Me! Real moms share the hard-won sleep hacks that helped them get a bit more shut-eye.
“I wait one minute.”
We finally made a rule: No trying out new strategies in the middle of the night, and no second-guessing whatever the plan is. If we think something’s not working, we’ll talk it out in the morning.” —Naomi Goldberg Ann Arbor, MI
“A baby’s cry can feel like a fire alarm in the middle of the night, but before you rush in, count to 60. Babies are really noisy sleepers—they’re like little pterodactyls! Sometimes that gurgle or grunt or cry is just a night noise, and if you wait a minute, you’ll find she’s already gone quietly back to sleep.” —Lauren Meadows North Richland Hills, TX
“I avert my gaze.”
“I won’t fight in the dark.” “I know from experience that the worst time to debate anything related to sleep with your partner is between 8 p.m. and 8 a.m. Middle-of-the-night wakings are so much worse if my wife and I are heatedly whispering about whether we should turn off the monitor or if the baby needs to eat.
“For both my babies, making eye contact in the middle of the night was like handing them a shot of espresso—it seemed to perk them right up and make them think it was daytime. As crazy as it sounds, I learned to avoid eye contact and not sing or talk. I keep the lights off or dim. Once I started getting in and out of their room with as little stimulation as possible, I slashed in half the time it took to get them back to sleep.” —Shannon Kelly St. Johns, MI
6 months, and even then, some nappers will put up a fight and others will be way more flexible about napping on the go.” —Szmulewitz
10. Master the four B’s: bath, book, bed, bottle “A consistent bedtime routine can work wonders. The order is up to you, but it usually involves a soothing bath, a story, and one last feeding. I also like to add a quick massage with lotion, gently squeezing and releasing the baby’s knees, wrists, elbows, and shoulders, wherever there’s a joint. Then you might do a final ‘closing up’ of the nursery: Now we turn out the light, now we start the whitenoise machine, now we sway beside the crib, now I lay you down—and that’s the signal that it’s time to sleep.” —Nalle
11.
Don’t worry if naps are a hot mess.
Give yourself a break.
“Yes, consistency is key, and the safest place for your baby to sleep is on her back in a crib. But many babies under 6 months don’t nap best there, so don’t beat yourself up if she falls asleep on your chest or in a carrier or a car seat (as long as you are alert and watching her), or if you wind up pushing a stroller around the block for 40 minutes so she’ll get some shut-eye. You’re not wrecking night sleep by letting naps be a little more haphazard in the first six months. Most babies don’t start developing a real nap schedule until 5 or
“If you listen to your best friend, a cousin, or a neighbor talk about how their baby was sleeping through the night at 2 months, you’ll just get stressed. Tune out the unhelpful comparisons as much as you can. To solve your own baby’s sleep issues, you’ll need a bit of observation, a bit of trial and error, and a lot of flexibility. It’s so easy to feel as if sleep will never get better, but it does constantly change. Just because you have a terrible sleeper at 2 months does not mean you’re fated to have a terrible sleeper at 2 years.” —Palmer
p, S le e s gloriou sleep!
A S O U N D T R AC K FOR SLEEP Scan this code with your phone’s camera for a soothing playlist to help your baby drift off to dreamland (no app needed).
K I D S Ñ H e a lt h
T H E R E YO U A R E ,
minding your own business, when suddenly it happens: Your kid pukes on your shoes. (Or the couch. Or her brother. Or all over her car seat. Take your pick.) And now you see that the next few days of your life will be dominated by barf, saltine crackers, and the worry that everyone in the house will also fall ill. “Gastroenteritis stinks, period,” says Josh Borus, M.D., assistant professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School. (Gastroenteritis is the name for what we often erroneously call stomach flu, though it has nothing to do with influenza, which is a serious respiratory infection.) “Dealing with all that diarrhea and vomit is definitely unpleasant, and it’s frustrating that there isn’t much you can do to get rid of the illness quicker,” Dr. Borus says. But there are steps you can take to keep your kid comfortable while the virus runs its course—and prevent it from spreading any further.
Be a symptom sleuth.
Survive a Stomach Bug Grab the barf bucket, steel your nerves, and let our you-can-do-this advice help you ride out the storm. by K AT E R O C K W O O D / illustrations by J A M E S YA N G
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Most intestinal infections are caused by a family of highly contagious viruses, including rotavirus and norovirus, which attack the lining of the GI tract. Knowing exactly which type of virus kick-started the vomit-athon isn’t crucial, but if you’re
Fewer sniffles. More princess parties.
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K I D S Ñ H e a lt h
worried that your child is dealing with something more serious, take stock of her symptoms. A classic stomach virus involves vomiting with diarrhea, low or no fever, and stomach pain that’s worse when vomiting, says Dr. Borus. “The closer a child sticks to that script, the more comfortable I feel diagnosing gastroenteritis.” Although food poisoning and gastroenteritis have near-identical symptoms, most stomach viruses will last a few (long) days, and you can handle them at home. If the diarrhea is severe, persists for more than four to five days, or contains any blood, your child may have a more serious foodborne illness, such as Campylobacter or E. coli, and you should see your pediatrician. Other warning signs that warrant a call include a persistent fever, significant abdominal pain, vomiting without diarrhea (a stomach virus nearly always has both), or tenderness when you touch your child’s tummy (which could indicate appendicitis or pancreatitis), says Katja Kovacic, M.D., a pediatric gastroenterologist at Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin, in Milwaukee.
Bring on the relief. Dehydration is your primary concern because fluids are leaving your kid’s body faster from both ends than they are being replaced. For a baby, keep breastfeeding or offering formula, says Dr. Kovacic. (If he won’t take it, don’t force him, but continue offering chances to drink.) Small, frequent sips of liquid are generally easier for an older child to keep down, so gently remind him throughout the day to keep
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sipping. If he only wants to drink water, that’s fine, but liquids with a small amount of sugar or salt in them (like Pedialyte or Gatorade) are more effective at replenishing electrolytes. And kids tend to drink more of flavored beverages than plain water because, well, they taste good. If your child goes longer than eight hours without
peeing or your infant has fewer than three wet diapers a day, you should call your pediatrician, advises Dr. Kovacic. Also be on the lookout for these other signs of dehydration: dry lips or a dry-looking tongue as well as lethargy that seems to get worse over 24 hours. It may be tempting to offer over-the-counter remedies, but experts strongly caution
S TAY U P - T O - D AT E O N VAC C I N E S ! Your baby will get two or three doses of the rotavirus vaccine (depending on the brand your doctor uses), which protects against 85 to 98 percent of severe rotavirus illness, a common stomach bug. However, there is no vaccine against norovirus.
against giving kids adult tummy meds without consulting your pediatrician. That’s because some, such as Pepto-Bismol and Kaopectate, contain aspirin or aspirin-like ingredients that increase the risk of Reye’s syndrome in kids younger than 12. This rare but serious condition causes swelling in the liver and brain. Likewise, antidiarrheals like Imodium can lead to side effects in young children and should be avoided. If a fever is making your child more uncomfortable, ibuprofen or acetaminophen can be helpful to bring her temp down and ease aches and pains. Otherwise, channel your inner Daniel Tiger and remind your kid that “when you’re sick, rest is best.” Keeping kids comfy in one spot is easier with the right supplies: a puke bucket, a regularly replenished water bottle, light blankets to curb the chills, and some low-energy entertainment options, like favorite TV shows or an audiobook. Your child will probably doze more than usual, which is fine, but if he’s sleeping for longer than four hours during the day, consider rousing him long enough to take a few sips of liquid. Don’t worry about food when your kid is vomiting, unless she asks for some (in which case plain crackers are best). But once her stomach has calmed down, you can get back to a (mostly) regular diet. While the BRAT diet—bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast—used to be the standard advice after a stomach bug , doctors now say there’s no reason to keep your kiddo’s food bland
for more than a day, since the diet lacks balanced nutrition, points out Dr. Kovacic. Still, take it easy on highfat and high-sugar foods, which can irritate her still-sensitive digestive tract, and continue to push plenty of fluids until her diarrhea is completely gone.
Clean and quarantine. Obviously, you want to keep the rest of the family from getting sick. “It only takes a few virus particles to infect someone, and there are billions in just a drop of vomit or diarrhea,” says Aron Hall, a researcher at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Division of Viral Diseases, in Atlanta. However, you can take steps to prevent a full-scale invasion. Everyone in the house should be washing their hands regularly, especially after using the bathroom or caring for the sick kid, and before preparing food. Keep your child in his room or the family room, away from siblings and the kitchen. If you have more than one bathroom, have him stick with one (direct the rest of the family to another), and dry his hands on paper towels instead of a hand towel. Follow these arrangements for at least two days after he feels better, says Hall. To kill off microscopic viruses, go through the house frequently with disinfectant wipes (use ones containing bleach) and attack places your kid may have touched (faucets, doorknobs, countertops, light switches), and places where he pooped or vomited. For areas that you know are germy, like the
How Pediatricians Treat Their Own Kids Members of the Parents Panel of AAP Moms & Dads share their tried-and-true advice for tackling tummy troubles.
“I let my kids eat and drink whatever sounds appealing to them while encouraging water, ice pops, or soup—but not fruit juice, since it can make diarrhea worse.” —Emily Miller, M.D. Louisville, KY
“If your little one is still in diapers, make sure you change her regularly and start barrier ointments early to stave off diaper rash, which often happens with diarrhea.” —Elise Bream, M.D. Davenport, IA
“We line the carpets with a trail of blankets or towels leading from their beds to the bathroom. Cleanup is a lot easier that way.” —Sarah Catherine Campbell, M.D. Appleton, WI
“My son loves my ‘Sick Tea,’ which is a ginger tea with a little honey and lemon to ease nausea.” —Candice W. Jones, M.D. Orlando, FL
“A waterproof mattress cover is a parent’s best friend. And try to stick with clear liquids—they stain less if they come back up. Definitely avoid red Gatorade because it can be mistaken for blood if vomited.” —Ruth L. Milanaik, D.O. New Hyde Park, NY “I break out the best-smelling soap I have. It makes my son want to wash his hands, and I can tell if he did or didn’t. Easy supervision without nagging!” —Micky Obradovic, M.D. Burbank, CA
“Once the vomiting stops, I encourage yogurt or probiotics to replace good stomach bacteria and get your kiddo’s tummy back on track. Look for products with the Bifidobacterium or Lactobacillus species in particular.” —Micah Resnick, M.D. Astoria, NY “I recommend Pedialyte either via a plastic syringe or taken from a bowl with a spoon. The goal is to get the fluid into your child slowly so the gut isn’t overstimulated, and these tiny drops are better paced than even a small sip from a cup.” —Marianna Karavolias, M.D. Astoria, NY
bathroom, grab a bleachbased disinfectant and go to town on the entire area. Wearing disposable gloves and a face mask can dramatically lower your odds of catching the bug while cleaning, says Hall, as can using paper towels rather than reusable rags. Put any germy laundry in the washing machine (crank that heat and opt for the longest cycle!) and toss your gloves in the trash. Wash your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds to ensure that any particles that transferred from the gloves to your skin go down the drain. You probably don’t want to wear a face mask around your child (we get it), but do wash your hands often and thoroughly, especially after every check-in and cuddle, and have everyone in the family do the same. Hand sanitizer on its own isn’t as effective against norovirus as soap and water, but you can use it in addition to washing. Stick a bottle of alcohol-based hand sanitizer near your kiddo’s bedroom door as an extra precaution. Now is also the time to remind family members that sharing is caring—except when it comes to germs. So for at least a week, no bites from each other’s plates, no snuggling while watching movies, no slurping from the communal bottle of mouthwash. And remind everyone—loudly and often—that hand-washing is essential. “The smaller kids are, the less reliable they are at hand-washing, so it’s a good idea to step in and help for a while,” says Dr. Borus. “It’s the best defense you’ve got.”
K I D S Ñ C u lt u r e
Cook the Storybook! Start with an exciting plot, mix in lively illustrations, and top it all off with a delicious recipe. That’s the formula for these fresh foodie reads. by K A R E N C I C E R O
You’ll love u n k.
Attention, Ina Garten Fans!
Amy Wu and the Perfect Bao
Holy Squawkamole!
Written by Kat Zhang, illustrated by Charlene Chua
Written by Susan Wood, illustrated by Laura González
Amy’s family makes baos together, but hers are always too big, too small, or too leaky until she comes up with a clever hack. “My children and I like how the character persisted through a challenge and worked together with her family,” says Emily Garland, of Pittsburgh.
RE AD IT Remember the folktale of the Little Red Hen who needed ingredients to make bread? She’s back, and craving guacamole. Kids learn what’s in the dip as la gallinita roja gathers avocados, tomatoes, cilantro, and other fixings. Her animal friends won’t help her, leading to a spicy twist.
Try the pork-and-shrimp-filled bao recipe; a cooking video at simonandschuster.com makes the dish seem less intimidating.
Hen added jalapeño to her guac recipe. Would your family dare? The book also includes fun facts about the dish, such as that it dates back to the 1300s.
RE AD IT
E AT IT
E AT IT
a re espe k a Sh me et s Cupcake Wa rs.
at 10 Garden Street?
Midsummer’s Mayhem
Written and illustrated by Felicita Sala
Written by Rajani LaRocca, illustrated by Rachel Suggs
Something smells good outside an apartment building, so the narrator takes readers into each resident’s kitchen to see what’s cooking for the backyard potluck.
RE AD IT This chapter book is a sweet take on A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Eleven-year-old Mimi enters a baking contest, but there’s something mysterious about her ingredients.
E AT IT The right-hand pages feature recipes with all the ingredients illustrated. There are 15 multicultural dishes, total, including blueberry-banana bread, coconut dahl, and “little trees” (sesame-soy broccoli).
E AT IT Re-create the competition at home with rosewater cupcakes and chocolate-chunk thyme cookies. “My kids and I thought the cookies tasted awesome,” says Betsy Bird, a children’s librarian in Evanston, Illinois.
RE AD IT
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THE BAREFOOT CONTESSA
created the potato latke recipe in Goodnight Bubbala, a parody of Goodnight Moon that features a surprise family party at bedtime. “Ina tested the latkes at least 12 different ways,” says author Sheryl Haft. “The result was perfect: creamy and textured on the inside with shreds of potato on the outside.” The book features a Yiddish glossary, and the illustrations, by Jill Weber, are another treat: “She depicts the rabbit family with exuberance, warmth, and humor,” says Haft. PETER ARDITO.
her s p
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K I D S ÑVa l e nt i n e ’s D a y
A R T with H E A R T Spend an afternoon making these projects with your littles. Then with a few snips and some glue, turn them into one-of-a-kind valentines for the whole class. by A M A N D A K I N G L O F F O F P R O J E C T K I D / photographs by T E D + C H E L S E A C AVA N AU G H
Sweet Bookmarks Have your child draw hearts all over a sheet of thick paper using an oil-based marker, like Sharpie Oil-Based Paint Markers ($18 for five; michaels.com). (Note: These markers are permanent, so protect your work surface.) When they’re dry, have her paint over the hearts with watercolors in contrasting shades. (Because the pen is oil-based, the hearts will not bleed.) Let dry. Cut 2x6-in. strips from the page and punch holes in the top of each. Thread 3-in. pieces of thin ribbon through the holes and knot. On the back, write, “I’ll always save a place for you!”
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Pop Art Notes For this project, you’ll need a salad spinner you’re willing to get dirty, or you can cover one in plastic wrap. For each valentine, tape a 5x5-in. piece of colored cardstock to the basket of the spinner. Drip a little acrylic craft paint onto the paper, put on the lid, and spin. (If your paint is thick, mix it in a cup with a bit of water until it’s a little thinner than honey.) Repeat with different colors of paint. When dry, punch a small heart from one corner (Small Heart Lever Punch, $9.50; michaels.com). On the back, write, “You make my spin!”
TIP
Glue on the punched-out heart to finish the phrase.
K I D S ÑVa l e nt i n e ’s D a y
TIP
Use neon cords and paint for extra-vibrant colors.
Flower-Power Pendants To make these pretty papers, fill a short cup with 3 Tbs. liquid dish soap, 1 Tbs. water, and 2 Tbs. acrylic paint, and mix. Give your kid a straw and have her blow air into the liquid to create bubbles. When the surface is fully covered in bubbles, have her gently press a plain piece of paper or cardstock onto the bubbles to make an impression. Repeat until the page is covered. Make more pages in different colors. Once dry, cut out bubble-like flower shapes. Punch a small hole in each shape and thread a 16-in. piece of colored cord through to make the flower into a necklace. On the flip side, write, “You’re my very best bud!”
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PROP STYLING BY PAM MORRIS.
Marbled Messages Spread shaving cream (the creamy kind, not a foaming gel) to make an even layer in a tray large enough to hold your paper. Have your child dribble 6 to 8 drops of food colorings into the shaving cream, and use a toothpick to gently swirl the colors through the cream. When the colors are spread out, have your kid press a piece of thick, white paper onto the colored foam. Scrape the shaving cream off the page with a ruler. Repeat with more pages. Once dry, cut 31/2x5-in. heart shapes from the sheets. Cut 8x6-in. pieces of colored paper and fold each in half to make a card. Glue cutout hearts to folded cards. Write, “My heart’s in a swirl!” inside.
VA L E N T I N E C R A F T INSPO Scan this code with your phone’s camera for more heartfelt homemade-card ideas (no app needed).
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Arrange the brown-colored snacks in the middle of a 20x16-in. board, starting with the crackers as the center of the football. Add the pretzels, sesame sticks, almonds, and figs to form the rest of the shape. Place the coconut-strip laces. Put the dressings in small bowls on opposite corners of the board. Fill the remaining space with the green snacks, starting with the grapes and broccoli and working your way around each side. Makes 8 servings.
2020
Recipe excerpted from Beautiful Boards. Text Š 2019 by Maegan Brown. Photography by Jerrelle Guy. Reprinted with permission from Rock Point, USA.
JERRELLE GUY.
ASSEMBLE IT SAFETY FIRST Since there are a few choking hazards on this spread, save the board for kids ages 4 and older.
Nachos? Wings? Potato Skins? All of the above. Reynolds Wrap®, your GAME DAY M.V.P.
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K I D S Ñ Pe t s
Animal House!
I’M NO HERMIT! I LOVE TO SOCIALIZE .
Olivia, 10, and her hermit crab, Pincher photograph by
OL I V I A C H A T S A B OU T H E R S H E L LY F R I E N D : 1
We don’t really know how old he is. 2
He eats a lot of garbage. Once I built him a cardboard bridge for his tank, and it disappeared because he ate it! He also eats his own poop. 3
He sheds his skin to grow bigger and changes his shell in super secret. 4
I hear him dragging things around the tank at night when I’m in bed. I turn on his little light and watch him. 5
He doesn’t like my younger brother. He only likes me!
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WARDROBE STYLING BY SARAH CLARY FOR THE WALL GROUP. GROOMING BY SUMMER TRAN. PROP STYLING BY TRACY MORGAN. CHILD WRANGLING BY MELANIE SAWYER. ON OLIVIA: JACKET, ROCKETS OF AWESOME. SHIRT, J.CREW.
M E I TA O
Š 2019 Mars or Affiliates. Treat shape is a trademark. US Patent No. 587,428
Vet recommended for dental care that dogs love
TEND TO YO U R S E LF, B O DY AND SOUL
M A K E P E A C E W I T H YO U R P H O N E _ _ _ _ _ L E T G O O F M O M G U I LT BE KINDER AS A COUPLE _ _ _ _ _
How Busy Moms Get Glowing It’s not your imagination—mom life makes just about everyone look older (see sleep deprivation, stress, hormone changes). But there are steps you can take to outsmart the aging process. Here’s how to protect and nourish your skin. by S H A N N O N M . B AU E R photograph by T H AY E R A L LYS O N G O W DY
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YO U Ñ B e aut y
Your New Skin-Care Routine If you snagged an appointment with a top dermatologist and asked her what you should do to keep your skin firm and bright, here’s exactly what she’d say.
A.M.
P.M.
1
1
Splash some water on your face. “You can skip cleanser since your skin didn’t accumulate dirt or pollution while you slept,” says Shereene Idriss, M.D., a dermatologist in New York City and a mom of two. Then smooth on a serum with vitamin C, an ingredient that helps neutralize free radicals, protecting skin from adverse effects of UV light and pollution (try OleHenriksen Truth Serum, $48; sephora.com). When left unchecked, these molecules can cause major damage to the skin that eventually shows up as dark spots and fine lines, says Claire Chang, M.D., a dermatologist in New York City.
Wash your face with a gentle cleanser, like Garnier SkinActive Water Rose Micellar Cleaning Water ($9; garnierusa.com), to remove makeup, dirt, excess oil, and pollution without stripping your skin of essential moisture.
2 Apply a moisturizer with an SPF of 30 or above, like Neutrogena Bright Boost Moisturizer With Sunscreen SPF 30 ($20; drugstores). “Wearing a daily sunscreen is hands down the best way to prevent wrinkles and uneven tone and texture,” says Deanne Robinson, M.D., a dermatologist in Westport, Connecticut, and a mom of four.
2 Apply a glycolic-acid serum one night, a retinol serum the next. Alternating between them ensures that you get the smoothing, firming, and brightening benefits of both antiaging powerhouses without irritating your skin. Glycolic acid, found in L’Oréal Paris Revitalift Derm Intensives 10% Pure Glycolic Acid Serum ($30; drugstores), is an alpha hydroxy acid that breaks up the “glue” holding dead cells to the skin, says Dr. Chang, while retinol (try Olay Regenerist Retinol24 Night Serum, $29; drugstores) revs cell turnover, drawing healthy skin to the surface. If you’re pregnant or breastfeeding, or you want a natural alternative, swap your retinol for a bakuchiol serum, like Burt’s Bees Renewal Intensive Firming Serum (not shown, $20; drugstores). New research has found that this plant extract affects cells the same way retinol does.
3 Tap on eye cream. The skin around your eyes is the first place to show signs of aging, like fine lines. And lack of sleep magnifies them, says Dr. Robinson. Look for a formula with hyaluronic acid to plump skin and antioxidants to help prevent crow’s-feet. Try Ghost Democracy Boomerang Firming Eye Concentrate ($30; ghostdemocracy.com). 4 Moisturize. As wonderfully effective as antiaging formulas are, they can spur dryness, says Dr. Idriss. Milk Makeup Vegan Milk Moisturizer ($38; sephora.com) contains a blend of four plant-based milks to calm inflammation and hydrate skin.
D ai ly SP F is an
anti agin g mus t-have.
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ANTIAGING
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TECH Doctors have access to more aggressive and effective skin treatments than those we can get our hands on at home. Here are a few: P E E L S A typical at-home peel contains less than 15 percent of an alpha hydroxy acid. Professional versions can go up to 40 percent (average price is $125). Medium to deep peels remove stubborn dark spots and target wrinkles better, says Dr. Idriss.
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OPPOSITE, WOMAN: PAUL WESTLAKE/THE LICENSING PROJECT. ALL OTHERS: JEFFREY WESTBROOK.
LASERS AND R ADIOFREQUENCY T R E A T M E N T S These
devices direct different waves of light, heat, or energy into the skin to cause controlled injuries, which your cells respond to by generating new skin cells. “They are able to fix things that topical treatments can’t, such as deep acne scars or a lot of sun damage,” says Dr. Idriss. Two popular options: an intense-pulse light treatment, which targets skin tone and texture (price starts at $400) and a fractional laser treatment like Fraxel Dual ($1,600), which treats wrinkles, pigmentation, and scars. I N J E C TA B L E S
Neurotoxins such as Botox and Jeuveau (price starts at $270) temporarily reduce muscle activity, stopping you from deepening the lines from facial expressions. Results last for a couple of months. Filler injections (like Juvéderm and Restylane, $600 per syringe) smooth fine lines or replace volume loss by plumping lips, undereye hollows, or cheekbones, and last for about a year.
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When to Add a Treatment Your daily regimen goes a long way in preventing signs of aging. But if you have a specific concern (age spots, wrinkles, a dull cast) that you want to target, there’s more you can do. D E F I N E YO U R FAC E S HAPE
Sharp cheekbones and a taut jawline can start to droop due to gravity and the naturally occurring loss of collagen and elastin. Ingredients called peptides can help support your skin’s structure, says Dr. Robinson. They are proteins that trigger the creation of collagen and make skin more resilient. (1) No7 Laboratories Firming Booster Serum ($42; walgreens.com) contains peptides as well as hyaluronic acid and amino acids. Apply it after you cleanse each night, then layer your regular serum and moisturizer on top. LIGHTEN DARK SPOTS
Hyperpigmentation can come from acne scarring, melasma, and sun exposure. And a new mom’s hormone fluctuations may make spots you already have darker, says Dr. Robinson. After you’ve finished your p.m. skin-care routine, apply a (2) Dr. Jart+ Focuspot Dark
Spot Micro Tip Patch ($18 for six patches; sephora.com) to the spot you want to treat. It contains a strong dose of vitamin C, which helps break up the excess pigment. Leave the patch on overnight, then remove it in the morning. PREVENT FINE LINES
Collagen-stimulating products are the key to softening fine lines, says Dr. Chang. You’re already using glycolic acid and retinol in your daily routine, but you can also incorporate a tool. The (3) Stacked Skincare Microneedling Face Refining Tool 2.0 ($125 for the tool, $50 for two replacement heads; stackedskincare.com) creates tiny injuries in the skin, which trigger your skin cells to shift into repair mode and increase collagen production. The rush of healthy tissue to the area minimizes fine lines and acne scars. Roll the tool vertically, diagonally, then horizontally over sections of your face
(forehead, cheeks, chin, and neck) a few nights per week before applying your serum. BRING ON THE RADIANCE
Sleep-deprived, dehydrated, stressed skin accumulates dull, dead skin cells and doesn’t reflect light well, giving you that even-my-skin-looks-tired situation. In addition to logging more uninterrupted hours of rest (a mom can dream), use an exfoliant to slough off cells, says Dr. Idriss. Once a week, after cleansing, apply (4) NIA24 Resurfacing Crystals ($45; dermstore.com), which combine a physical scrub with lactic and mandelic acids to brighten complexion. Then follow with your retinol serum and moisturizer.
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B E AUT Y WH I LE MOMMING
Why Wellness Rituals Matter These days, taking care of my skin and hair isn’t just a task on my to-do list; it’s something I enjoy. Here’s how I shifted my thinking —and my mood—about beauty maintenance. “Mama time” now, “me time” later.
T W O Y E A R S A G O , when I was caring for a toddler and a newborn, the notion of prolonging my skin-care routine seemed absurd. My nightly goal was to wipe my face, brush my teeth, and face-plant into my pillow as fast as possible. But now, with two preschoolers underfoot, I’ve changed my thinking: An evening beauty routine means being alone! I still haven’t managed to escape to a yoga class or a movie, but I do have the means to zone out and de-stress in my bathroom. Caring for my skin and hair is my reward for getting two kids to sleep (although on especially difficult nights, I need ice cream too), and because I schedule this self-care regularly, I never feel deprived of it. Give my top three rituals a try yourself.
Luxe Cleansing Dermatologists have successfully drilled into me that it’s critical to remove the grime, makeup, and pollution that pile on during the day, so I wash my face every night no matter how tired I am. And I make the most of it! I work a layer of buttery cleansing balm like Drunk Elephant Slaai Makeup-Melting TOP LEFT: KATHRYN PAGE.
Butter Cleanser ($34; sephora.com)
into my skin, allowing it to melt. Then I soak a washcloth in warm water, squeeze it out, and place it on my face. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths before I gently wipe the balm off my skin. The process takes less
by K AT E S A N D OVA L B OX / photographs by J E F F R E Y W E S T B R O O K
than a minute, leaves my complexion thoroughly cleansed, and gives me a true moment of rest.
An Epic Shower On Sunday afternoons, while the kids nap, I take the kind of shower I don’t have to rush through because my children have flung open the bathroom door. I start with a scalp scrub like Nexxus Scalp Inergy Gentle Exfoliating Scalp Scrub ($15; drugstores). I get so
ic A ch ot h w a s hc l
much satisfaction out of massaging it into my wet scalp to exfoliate the dead skin cells, and I swear it helps my hair stay clean. After I rinse, I shampoo and then apply a deep conditioner, letting it soak in while I try a body mask or scrub, or shave, or just sit on the shower floor.
gives spa v ibes
Cue the rel a xa
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t i on .
Face Roll and Chill Does gliding a rose-quartz face roller across my skin do much for it? Who knows! But the cooling stone feels refreshing, the repetitive movement is calming, and, hypothetically, the soft pressure encourages circulation and lymphatic drainage, which depuffs and gives skin a warm glow. Most nights I nestle into a corner of the couch with my Jenny Patinkin Rose on Rose Face Roller ($38; jennypatinkin.com) while streaming Workin’ Moms. It’s bliss, with or without the cookies ’n’ cream. GET TO KNOW OUR B E AU T Y D I R E C T O R ! Scan this code with your phone’s camera to see what’s happening on Kate’s Instagram page (no app needed).
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T H E S TAT S
probably won’t surprise you: Most millennial moms spend up to three hours a day on their phone. Yes, that’s an awful lot. But we’re all so, so busy, and our devices help us manage our stresssoaked lives. You can order pad thai, schedule a spin class, re-up on diapers, and LOL with a friend—all from the couch. “I’m reluctant to issue a universal prescription for how or how much you should use your phone,” says Dayna M. Kurtz, a psychotherapist and author of Mother Matters: A Holistic Guide to Being a Happy, Healthy Mom. “Instead, I encourage moms to remember that their phone can be an invaluable resource if they use it wisely.” The next time some talking head laments the damage that devices have had on our generation, consider this alternate spin. THE BAD RAP:
Social media isolates and depresses us—all that fakery and FOMO!
Feel Better About Your Phone Just for a minute, forget the gloom-and-doom headlines about screen addiction. If used mindfully, that device of yours can put a world of benefits in the palm of your hand. by B E T H J A N E S
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Connection to others is essential for parents. Instagram and Facebook keep a wide swath of people, even those who are far away, updated about your child’s progress. Whether you’re stumped about how to ditch the pacifier or tackle your first-grader’s homework (Common Core!), your parent message board can likely help.
BONNINSTUDIO/STOCKSY.
THE GOOD NEWS:
Eighty percent of moms told the Pew Research Center that they receive support online. The more honest and open that camaraderie, the better: “It’s really validating to see that other moms struggle too,” says psychologist Sarah Coyne, Ph.D., professor of family life at Brigham Young University. “What can be truly upsetting are the ‘I’m perfect, we’ve got perfect kids, life is glorious’ types of posts.” So just unfollow or block those accounts, since they’re not real anyway. THE BAD RAP:
Phones destroy your body by straining eyes, kinking necks, and numbing thumbs.
HERO IMAGES/GETTY.
THE GOOD NEWS:
If you’d like a digital method of bettering your body, you’ll be delighted to learn that there are hundreds to choose from. Most of us have at least one fitness or wellness app on our phone. You can learn to meditate (Stop, Breathe & Think offers more than 50 guided programs), track your cycle (Flo has thousands of fans), or even watch your water intake (WaterMinder has you covered). The super-popular Sweat: Kayla Itsines Fitness app has a postpregnancy program. Beyond diet and exercise, phones can make health care more convenient. Mobile apps like Doctor On Demand offer video visits with a provider, saving you from schlepping to a clinic for, say, the pinkeye that’s infected all of kindergarten. Talkspace, meanwhile, makes it easy to connect with licensed therapists via text, voice, or video messages.
THE BAD RAP:
Show Your Phone Who’s Boss
Phones kill intimacy. You can’t nurture a relationship via text. THE GOOD NEWS:
DITCH THE DINGS
“I turned off push notifications so I’m not constantly bombarded by things I feel I need to respond to right away. Instead, I set aside a specific time to deal with them all at once.” —Brandi Montague; Los Angeles, CA
A D D A WAT C H
“I like the distance my smartwatch gives me from my phone. I can quickly see alerts I need and ignore the others.” —Rebecca Fitzmaurice; Evanston, IL
N A R R AT E YO U R U S AG E
“I’ll tell my son, ‘I’m going to check in with Auntie Kara since she’s having a tough week.’ That way he knows I’m connecting to a human, not a device. Sometimes I open my mouth to explain and realize it’s not a good reason. Then I put my phone away.” —Lissa Hurchalla; Santa Monica, CA
You can text strategically to stay connected with your partner. This is crucial in the heavy years of parenting. When you feel like you haven’t seen your spouse for a week outside of those exhausted half hours between your kid’s bedtime and your own (which you spend wolfing down takeout while watching Stranger Things), a lively text convo can keep you in sync. No one would recommend having serious heart-to-hearts with your thumbs, but texting can be a means of flirting, of reviving inside jokes. Just abide by the golden rules of the digital age: No scrolling at the table, and keep your phones out of your bedroom. THE BAD RAP:
Phones divert your attention from your child (you negligent monster!). THE GOOD NEWS:
P O W E R I N YO U R P O C K E T Scan this code with your phone’s camera to read a list of 11 unexpected ways having kids can change how you use your phone (no app needed).
It’s smart to take a break now and then. Sometimes your attention needs to be elsewhere so you don’t, well, lose your mind. A quick breather makes a big difference , and research in the journal Child Development provides reassurance that it won’t harm your bond with your child. Even a brief respite lets you come back fresher and more eager to crawl around playing “Let’s pretend we’re cats.” A phone allows that break to be mental, not physical—you’re not traipsing off to another room, leaving your child—but you’re still getting the replenishing, if brief, pause you need.
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FAREWELL,
MOM GUILT It’s a rare parent these days who isn’t beating herself up over something: too much screen time, too little face time, a frozen dinner, a bottle of formula. But what would happen if we just let the shame go? These four writers, who did exactly that, will be happy to tell you. illustrations by A N N E B E N T L E Y
The Day I Stopped Apologizing by R E B E C C A S WA N S O N
I M E T U P W I T H an old friend in my childhood town, many miles away from the life I have now. The evening was one of apologies. “Sorry. Excuse me,” I told her at dinner. To the left, my toddler shrieked about a clump of macaroni stuck to the phone screen, obscuring his view of Katerina
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Kittycat in a tutu. Across the table, my 6-year-old son furrowed his brow and tried—too hard, I feared—to impress my friend’s little girl. He shared his toys by thrusting them an inch from her nose. He scribbled math equations onto his menu with a blue crayon, then shouted the answers to his new pal a little—no, a lot—too loudly. His complicated brain struggled to understand personal space. “Shhh. Inside voice,” I told him as I wiped smears of cheese off my phone with a crumpled napkin and handed it back to my subdued toddler. “Sorry,” I said to my friend, again and again, when I failed to finish a
sentence or to hear one of hers for the fourth or fifth or 20th time. I was just too busy watching my kids. And worrying. And apologizing. By the end of dinner, my older son was in my lap, head burrowed into my shoulder, overwhelmed by the volume of the crowded restaurant and the anxiety of making friends. I worried some more. Why was this so hard for him? Despite, or perhaps in spite of, the symptoms and diagnoses tossed around by doctors and occupational therapists—sensory issues, seizures, tics, and motor delays as well as giftedness—all I could do was worry. And apologize.
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At the local park afterward, we watched my friend’s child swing across the monkey bars with the ease of a circus performer. “How’s your family?” I asked my friend, ready to focus on her. But I didn’t hear her answer. “Sorry,” I said again, as my son cried out behind me. He had one hand on the first monkey bar, both feet still planted safely on the platform. His eyes were wide. His hands shook. His legs quivered, and he yelled, “Please, Mommy, help me!” I wrapped my arms around him and held him as he went from bar to bar, then kissed him as he reached the end and slid down my body to the ground. His eyes shone as he asked for help on the next obstacle. In his mind, this playground—like none that he’d ever seen—was the greatest ninja-warrior course ever. One that he had to do from start to finish, now that he had seen his new friend zip through it with grace. But he couldn’t do it alone. I helped him up, over, and through each obstacle. He panicked when I suggested that it might be easier to go in the opposite direction—which went against the vision of the course he had outlined in his head. I tried to soothe him, but his shoulders tensed and his face puckered. A total meltdown was pending. I imagined him through the eyes of my friend, through the eyes of her daughter, through the eyes of the other kids on the playground, who were all climbing, swinging, laughing, and playing together, while my child stood in the middle of the course, unaware of the fact that his loud protests were causing other parents to stare. Unaware that he was blocking some kids or that others were simply pushing past him. Unaware that his pants were slipping down or that he was rubbing at his nose, a nervous tic. I bent down, pulled him into my arms, inhaled his warm scent. “Why don’t you tell me exactly how you need to do this,” I whispered, “and we will do it together.” We did it—but only after I apologized to the next kid in line, who’d waited for what seemed like hours for his turn. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I threw all my apologies out like candy to parade watchers, so absorbed in worry for my son that I didn’t listen for replies or watch to
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THE MOST VALUAB LE THING I CAN TEACH MY OLDER SON—AND HIS B R O T H E R— I S T H AT THE RE
IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM, AND EVERYTHING RIGHT WITH HIM.
gauge the reactions of the other parents. And then my friend—my loving, patient, understanding childhood friend of 30 years—gathered up her daughter to go home for bedtime and said something that nearly brought me to my knees. Sorry, I had told her, once again, as my son finally let go of his emotions, sobbing at the idea of leaving before he could complete the obstacle course for a second time, while my toddler stood, concerned, by his brother’s side.
“Would you stop apologizing?” she said. “Your boys are beautiful. Perfect.” Of course they are. How had I let this thought—the one that plays over and over in my head at home when I look at my wonderful children and think how lucky I am that they are mine—escape me in that moment? My son has had plenty of differences from classmates—some emotional, some physical, some sensory. He is growing physically stronger and more confident every day, through occupational therapy and simply getting older. He has made wonderful friends. He is learning new emotional strategies for moving through the world. At the same time, I have been learning that the most important job I have as a mother isn’t to apologize for my children’s differences. I will always worry about their welfare, of course. We all do, as parents—and we need to be our kids’ biggest advocates. But the most valuable thing I can teach my older son—and his brother—is that there is nothing wrong with him, and everything right with him. I can remind him of the book he made in kindergarten about the sun—drawn
in orange and yellow crayons—that the other kids loved so much they argued over who got to take it home. I can remind him that his baby brother thinks the actual sun rises and sets on his big brother every day, such is the admiration from the toddler for his hero. I can remind him—as my own parents did for me—that he thrills his mommy and daddy constantly with his morsels of wisdom, his sense of humor, and the way he practices ninja-warrior obstacles in the backyard with such determination. I know this, and I have tried to do this each and every day of his life. Until that fateful day in July when I failed my son on the playground far from home. Until my old friend set me straight—and I realized that my apologies were born of my own insecurities, having once been a child with differences myself. “Thank you,” I told her, which couldn’t possibly convey the depth of my appreciation. I waved as she and her daughter drove away. I turned back to my boys. My older son was done with tears, the obstacle course already forgotten. “Mama, roll down the hill with us!” I opened my mouth to tell them we had to leave. The sun was dipping below the horizon; it would be dark soon. But instead I kissed their flushed checks and rolled down the hill, letting my laughter tangle with their yells of joy, without a second thought about whether anyone else was watching.
How I Made Peace With My Disappointment by E M I LY B R A D L E Y
“ T H E R E ’ S A C LI C K in her hip,” the pediatrician announced. I watched her pull my baby’s hips apart like the wings of a butterfly as she performed a Barlow maneuver—the routine newborn exam done to check for hip abnormalities. Grace was 1 day old. She was my first child, and I had obsessively prepared
for her. I’d taken CPR, first aid, and breastfeeding classes. I’d bought multiple brands of pacifiers. In her top drawer, I had folded and refolded my favorite onesie that said, “All of God’s Grace in One Little Face.” “She has hip dysplasia,” a specialist told us three weeks later, referring to the instability of Grace’s hip. It’s a condition that affects one in every 20 babies. “She’ll need a harness.” “A harness?” I cringed. My baby, who looked as fragile as an eggshell, would have to wear a chest strap with stirrups that angled her legs out like a frog’s. Twenty-four hours a day. The doctor
I’D HAD NO SENSE T H AT T H E H A R N E S S WA S A S C A P E G OAT FOR MY DISAPPOINTMENT AB O UT N OT HAVI N G THE “PERFECT” ABLE-BODIED, SQUISHY B A BY I ’ D D R E A M E D O F.
explained how it would prevent her hip from dislocating while her socket fully formed. Without it, she could walk with a limp and have lifelong pain. But all I heard was the word harness. “And no onesies underneath,” the doctor said. As I watched Grace thrash around in her new gear, I choked back my urge to tell him to take off the harness. I hated it. At home, I cried about all the tiny outfits Grace would never wear. Every nursing position was awkward and frustrating for me. “This is not a big deal,” people said. “I know,” I’d respond. “We’re so lucky that it can be fixed.” Most conversations minimized my experience of having to adjust to a new, unexpected normal and gave me the bottled-up feeling that I was being silenced. It was just a fixable click in Grace’s hip. What right did I
have to grieve? I felt guilty about my self-pity. Then one day, on a walk with a neighbor, I finally voiced my frustration. “The dysplasia is not nothing,” I said. I pushed Grace in her stroller. She cooed happily in her harness and looked at me with eyes the color of the ocean. “Of course it’s not nothing,” my neighbor said warmly. “And worse things do happen to babies—” I took a deep breath, preparing for what she’d say next. “But nothing worse has happened to your baby.” My eyes welled with tears. It was a big deal—to me and all my loved ones. And it was Grace’s first big deal. It wasn’t cancer or a terminal heart condition—I could not imagine the pain those parents felt—but it was also not nothing. It was, quite simply, my introduction to the unpredictability of parenthood, to all the things I would not be able to control in Grace’s life. I’d had no sense that the harness was a scapegoat for my disappointment about not having the “perfect” able-bodied, squishy baby I’d dreamed of. I hadn’t yet reconciled the contradiction of wishing away Grace’s condition while still wanting her exactly as she was. Slowly, I made the psychic shift from Grace is hip dysplasia to Grace has hip dysplasia. I accepted the harness as a fact of our life that was helping her. I put the “God’s Grace” onesie in the attic and began to appreciate the other things I hadn’t anticipated about Grace—from her coppery-colored eyelashes to her fingers that curled like cat paws. She was in the harness for three months. On the day her hips were deemed “normal,” I dressed her in a blue “Hip, Hip, Hooray” onesie. I ran my hands over her bare legs. She squealed with the sense of freedom we both felt. I watched her kick her legs and marveled that she would not remember any of this. She didn’t even have her first tooth yet. I was the one who had to absorb the emotional impact of this setback, as I probably would countless times in the future. Motherhood, along with all of its joys, would bring a continual cycle of letting go.
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There’s Never Enough Time — and That’s Okay by R E N É E B A C H E R
RAISING THREE
children under the age of 5, I wished sometimes that each of them were our only one. When our eldest, Hannah, was an infant, I carried her everywhere in a sling. When she was a toddler, my husband and I did handsprings over her potty accomplishments. When she was a preschooler, we gave every question of hers a thoughtful response. There was nothing more enjoyable than paying attention to Hannah. Having more children, it seemed, could only mean more of a good thing. Enter our second, Isaac. Hannah had been so easy; subconsciously, I think I assumed he’d be Hannah: The Sequel. But our son had other plans. He arrived with a penis, first of all—totally different equipment—and while he was sweet and snuggly, he had a lot of ear infections, which meant he slept little and cried quite a bit. My main impediment to bonding with Isaac, however, was that every time we were on the verge of a blissful moment, a demanding little blond girl would interrupt us for a snack, a story, or a tantrum. What had happened to those daily naps our angel used to take? With Isaac in the picture, suddenly Hannah was never tired. Almost immediately, I felt that Isaac was getting the short end of the stick. And I didn’t have much time to focus on his accomplishments because another little person quickly entered our world. Benny was born when Isaac was 15 months old. Money was tight and I knew this would be our last child, so I willed myself to slow down and savor his baby days. But savoring was impossible with two pushy toddlers constantly vying for my attention. A confession I’m loath to admit: Rather than relishing Benny’s toddlerhood, I was so exhausted that I wished it away. Sometimes I counted the days until his third birthday, when
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he would no longer love interrupting Hannah and Isaac’s cherished hour of television by pressing the remote’s on-off switch faster than you could drum your fingers. With Hannah, I had often found her “terrible twos” behavior cute and endearing. With Isaac, it was annoying, but I figured that was because I was pregnant and tired. With Benny, my patience level hit rock bottom. One day, while filling the tub with all the kids in the bathroom, I turned to take off Isaac’s turtleneck. In that split second, Benny jumped into the bath water, fully clothed. “Benjamin!” I shrieked, dropping an expletive, yanking him out by the arm, and drenching myself. Benny burst into tears. “Nice, Mom. Scream at a 1-year-old,” said 6-year-old Hannah. “I didn’t scream,” I said, defensively. “I raised my voice.”
“Oh no you did not,” she said, patting her brother tenderly. Benny nuzzled against her. Isaac patted him too. I felt like the Wicked Witch of the West. What had happened to me? For years I felt guilty about not being able to give our sons the same quality of attention we had given our daughter. Sometimes I daydreamed about the kind of kids our boys might be if we’d spent as much time alone with each of them as we had with Hannah. Certainly, there would have been more interest in books and less whining, crying, pushing, and biting. And yet, despite the chaos and aggression, our boys still seemed to be growing into smart, loving, generous, funny people. Have you ever seen a 15-month-old lay his head down on his 2 1/2-year-old brother’s chest so that they could suck their thumbs together? Have you ever seen a 21/2-year-old share a piece of his favorite apple pie, bite
for bite, with his brother, unprompted by adults? As our kids got older, it became easier for me to find opportunities to be alone with each of them, heading to the neighborhood coffee shop to have a blueberry muffin and hot cocoa. Eventually, I realized that my longing for one-on-one time in their younger years was not so much about them but about me. It was I who had felt robbed of getting to know each of our baby boys as well as I had known our baby girl. It was I who had to give up my preconceived notions of the ingredients that go into making a wonderful child. Whatever attention the boys hadn’t gotten from their father or from me, it turns out, they had gotten from each other or from their sister. They came out just fine. Better than fine, in fact. And finally, I know that the life and the love we gave them was more than enough.
The Freak-Out That Made Me a Happier Mom by A N N A D AV I E S
I T WA S A N H O U R
past bedtime, and my 2-year-old daughter, Lucy, was still in the living room. I was staring down at least two hours of postbedtime work on my laptop, and I had just filled her glass when she insisted she wanted “white” milk instead of chocolate. Then I saw the milk puddle into a big mess on the brand-new rug, the one I’d told Lucy a million times not to walk on if she had a cup in her hand. “Lucy!” My voice echoed sharply as I felt anger rising from my stomach. Her wide smile crumpled. My father always had a temper, and yelling was part of our landscape at home. He never physically hurt my brothers or me, but his anger was like a thunderstorm in the middle of a summer day: intense, unexpected, and loud. Holding a fork the wrong way, talking too quietly, or accidentally breaking
something could all incite his anger. As I got older, I learned that I’d inherited his quick temper. I would bark at the barista if my drink order wasn’t quite right, one mortifying time slamming my coffee down on the counter so hard in frustration that cold brew splashed on the floor. And as my daughter became increasingly independent, with more of her own ideas, I would feel anger surging inside me almost all the time. Why couldn’t Lucy understand that hurry meant go instead of look at the ducks on our walk to school? Why did I have to tell my toddler 20 times to put on her shoes in the morning? I started lashing out in Facebook threads, gossiping about acquaintances, and honking aggressively while driving. Of course, I’d snapped at Lucy before, but the milk episode was a full-on yell, edging beyond exasperated and toward out of control. As soon as the word left my mouth, I paused, fear ricocheting through my core. I didn’t remember the first time my father yelled at me, but I knew that I must have felt the same shock, betrayal, and sadness that were stamped on Lucy’s face. I sank to the ground and reached my arms out, feeling guilty while she nestled into my shoulder, wiggling her face against my neck so she could get as close as possible while she sobbed. Later that night, when we finally lay down in her bed, my hand over hers while I smelled the scent of her baby shampoo, I thought back to my outburst. “You know how Mommy got mad earlier? I didn’t mean it. It’s just that sometimes I feel like the anger is in my belly, and it’s like this red cloud, and it just gets bigger and bigger and it explodes. And that’s what happened,” I explained, my own voice catching in the dark. “Do you ever feel like that?” I wondered out loud. “Yes,” she answered. “What color does yours feel like?” I ventured. “Pink!” she said triumphantly. And then she launched into an animated conversation about how the mad feeling she saw in her mind was glittery, and how it looked like the pink on the wings of fairies. As she crafted a story, I felt the hard knot in my stomach begin to
I F E LT T H E H A R D KNOT IN MY STOMACH BEGIN TO UNWIND. IT WASN’T JUST FROM THE TENSION E A R L I E R T H AT D AY. I THINK IT HAD BEEN FROM THE WHOLE PAST YE AR OF HOLDING BACK MY F R U S T R AT I O N .
unwind. It wasn’t just from the tension earlier that day. I think it had been from the whole past year of holding back my frustration. I’d always internalized anger as red—vibrant, scary, with enough power to destroy. But Lucy didn’t see it that way. Maybe if I could reframe the way I saw anger, I could learn to handle it before I exploded. Today, six months after that outburst, Lucy lets me know when her feelings are edging into the pink zone. We talk about how frustration and anger are part of the normal range of emotions. I tell her when I’m annoyed over a work project or because the WiFi is down, even if she’s not listening to me. Lucy understands that I can see her own short fuse—the sigh, the lip curl, the flash of annoyance on her face when a block tower falls or she can’t pull her shirt on—but I also see the way that she pauses, breathes, and lets herself work out the situation. It took my glitter-loving toddler to make me realize that it was never anger that defined me; it was the fear of an explosion like my dad’s. By finally learning to talk about anger—using the words of a child—I am now able to deal with it. More important, I’m no longer worried that Lucy has inherited a short fuse. Not only am I confident she’ll have the tools to handle outbursts whenever they arise, but I also know she will be able to use her strong emotions as an asset without losing her cool (or her coffee).
Think Before You Speak Unconditional love doesn’t mean you get to say whatever you’re thinking. Treat each other just as considerately as you would a friend. by D A P H N E
JOE, A MARRIED
father of two, came to me for therapy because he was feeling stressed, and pressure at work was a big factor. He was the sole breadwinner in his family and acknowledged that he tended to be irritable when he got home, even though he admired his wife Carole’s warm and loving nature. When he saw the messy kitchen or his son playing on the iPad instead of doing his homework, he
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MARNEFFE , Ph.D.
often blurted out a snarky comment. “I know I shouldn’t take out my anxiety on Carole,” he said with some embarrassment, “but home is where I feel I can finally let off a little steam.” Joe was facing a common emotional dilemma. When we’re at home, we all want to relax, escape obligations from the outside world, and be our less-thanperfect self. Yet when we also relax our
standards for treating our partner with care and respect, we end up sabotaging the very haven we crave. It’s not easy to be on your best behavior after an exhausting day at work or at home with your kids, but it’s not okay to react harshly to the one you love. Here are things to keep in mind that will help you take the high road and strengthen your relationship for years to come.
THIS PAGE: CAVAN IMAGES/GETTY. OPPOSITE, COUPLE: MONKEYBUSINESSIMAGES/GETTY. DE MARNEFFE: JENNIFER LEIGH SAUER.
YO U Ñ H ap p i ly E v e r A f t e r
Remember the power of politeness. Tact and respectful communication are a positive in every interaction. No matter whom you’re talking to—the clerk at the DMV, your mother-in-law, or your partner—people are always more responsive when you treat them with consideration. Think about how natural it felt to be kind to your partner when you first met. Have you slid into bad habits without even noticing? We can all hear the difference between saying “Could you please finish the dishes?” and “Couldn’t you at least do the dishes?” but we often give in to the impulse to be agitated in the moment. Just as skipping your workout one day makes it easier to give up on your exercise plan, casual rude comments can become “gateways” to larger ones. Treat respectful communication as a personal goal, and put in the effort to achieve it.
that really stung. As we talked, she realized she was feeling uninspired and a bit boring herself and even worried he would lose interest in her. Think about what makes you impatient or insensitive with your partner, and consider if it might be something you secretly see in yourself. If so, be kinder to yourself and it’ll be easier to be kind to your loved ones.
Understanding is at the heart of loving relationships. I had a meeting with a couple in therapy during which the wife criticized her husband for liking sushi. Because she personally didn’t like sushi, she’d decided there was something “wrong” with anyone’s liking it. However, respecting differences is essential in any healthy relationship. What feels important to you might not feel important to your partner in the same way and vice versa, and insisting on sameness is a surefire road to snarkiness.
Practice gratitude. Adding this ritual to your day is a hugely valuable “reset” when you find yourself reacting to your partner in a not-nice way: Pause for a few moments in the car after you drop the kids off at school or after you’ve slammed the door on your way to work and take five slow, calming breaths. Then reflect on five things you are truly grateful for in your life. Even if you have ongoing problems with your partner, there are still things that you appreciate (“She works hard to pay the bills”; “He’s a good dad”). Saying unkind things can cause us to dwell on evidence that justifies our negative behavior. Bringing your blessings to mind restores a sense of proportion.
Be kind to yourself. Sometimes the hardest thing of all is to give ourselves a break, and our short temper with loved ones flows from our discontentment with ourselves. In psychology, it’s called projection. But when you find yourself criticizing your partner for the things you don’t like about yourself, it’s a lose-lose situation: You cause pain by being unpleasant, and you also avoid facing your own problems. Linda, a therapy client, informed me that she’d told her husband he was “boring,” a blanket comment about his character
PAU S E FO R A FEW MOMENTS
Being considerate to your partner almost always involves trying to appreciate his or her perspective. Your husband may want to talk about the kids, and you may be too exhausted. You may want to vent about your day, but he may be too distracted. You may have tense disagreements about money. Recognizing the validity of his point of view, even if you disagree, helps give you more patience. It makes you less likely to say “Could you just stop talking?” and more able to say “Could we talk about your day after I’ve had a moment to rest?” Through our sessions, Joe realized that giving himself permission to blurt out critical comments wasn’t making him feel any better. As he understood his own emotions, he was able to voice them more sensitively to Carole. He apologized for having been harsh, then told her, “I end up getting tense if things feel chaotic when I walk in the door, even though I know you’re doing a ton to keep everything on track here. I’m really going to make an effort not to take my stress out on you. If you could try to get the homework started or neaten the kitchen before I get home, that might help me feel calmer.” She heard where he was coming from, and said, “I’ll make an effort to get the homework underway before you get home and tidy the kitchen as much as I can. But I need you to try to cut me some slack on the days when it doesn’t work out that way.” He agreed that this was more than reasonable and thanked her. One benefit of choosing your words thoughtfully is that it will help you address any underlying problems more effectively. And when you focus on kindness, your partner is likely to do the same. You’ll end up being less stressed overall and feel even more at ease at home.
EVERY D AY T O RE M IN D YOU RS E LF O F W H AT
YO U A P P R E C I AT E .
Daphne de Marneffe, Ph.D., is a psychologist and the author of Maternal Desire and The Rough Patch: Marriage and the Art of Living Together. Visit her at daphnedemarneffe.com.
© 2019 Tyson Foods, Inc.
E N J OY
P E T- P R O O F YO U R H O M E _ _ _ _ _
THE JOURNEY
M A G I C A L FA M I LY VA C AYS
TOGETHER
_ _ _ _ _SIMPLE CHICKEN DINNERS
My Yummy Valentine Your kids already know you’re head over heels in love with them. But these treats—which you can make together—serve as even more proof. by S TA C I E B I L L S photographs by
FOOD STYLING BY CHRISTINE ALBANO FOR BRUMLCONLON. PROP STYLING BY HELEN CROWTHER.
JOHNNY MILLER
Kiss Me Cakes For recipe, see page 76.
How did we get such perfect letters? A pancake pen! We like the one from Tovolo ($10; amazon.com).
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L I F E ÑVa l e nt i n e ’s D a y
Chocolate Turtles Active Time 20 minutes Total Time 50 minutes Makes 12 candies
I N G R E DI E N T S 1/2 cup toasted pecans 1/2 cup salted, roasted cashews 10 store-bought caramel candies 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips MAKE IT
1. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Combine nuts in a bowl. Use a tablespoon to scoop nuts and place them in separate small piles on the prepared baking sheet. 2. Place caramels in a microwave-safe bowl. If they are very stiff, add 1 Tbs. water. Microwave on high for 20 seconds. Stir, then microwave in 10-second intervals until they’re melted. Stir until smooth, then spoon caramel on top of nut clusters. 3. Put chocolate in another microwave-safe bowl. Microwave on half power for 30 seconds. Stir, then microwave in 10-second intervals until melted. Spoon chocolate onto the clusters. 4. Place baking sheet in the freezer for 30 minutes or until the chocolate hardens. NUTRITION PER TURTLE CANDY 167 calories; 2g protein; 11g fat
(4g sat. fat); 17g carbs; 1g fiber; 12g sugar; 42mg calcium; 1mg iron; 58mg sodium
Replace the pecans and cashews with pretzel bites, pumpkin seeds, or popcorn for a nut-free treat.
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L I F E ÑVa l e nt i n e ’s D a y
Airy melt-in-your-mouth meringues are the perfect medium for a sweet message. It doesn’t get more Instagrammable than this!
Active Time 30 minutes Total Time 1 hour 20 minutes Makes 30 cookies
I N G R E DI E N T S 3 egg whites 3/4 cup sugar 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract 1/2 tsp. lemon zest or 1/8 tsp. lemon extract (optional) MAKE IT
1. Preheat oven to 200°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper; set aside.
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Place egg whites and sugar in a double boiler or a 2-qt. saucepan set over a larger pot of simmering water (upper pan should not touch the water). Whisk constantly until sugar dissolves and an instantread thermometer registers 130°F, about 6 minutes.
2. Remove pan from heat; add vanilla and lemon zest, if desired. With an electric mixer on medium speed, beat egg whites until stiff peaks form, 12 minutes.
3. Transfer meringue to a pastry bag fitted with a 1/4-in. plain round tip. Pipe shapes or letters onto parchment paper.
4. Bake for 45 minutes or until cookies feel dry and firm. Let cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes, then carefully transfer cookies to a rack to cool completely. NUTRITION PER COOKIE
21 calories; 0 protein; 0 fat (0 sat. fat); 5g carbs; 0 fiber; 5g sugar; 0 calcium; 0 iron; 5mg sodium
PLATE, GLEENA CERAMICS.
Cloud Cookies
© 2020 Reynolds Consumer Products, LLC. “This is the good stuff” is a trademark of Reynolds Consumer Products LLC.
PERFECT FIT EVERY TIME
Reynolds Kitchens® Parchment Paper makes it easy to fit any size pan.
this is the good stuff
L I F E ÑVa l e nt i n e ’s D a y
Stamped Cookies Active Time 40 minutes Total Time 1 hour 30 minutes Makes 48 cookies
I N G R E DI E N T S 13/4 cups flour 1 tsp. baking powder 1/2 tsp. baking soda 1/2 tsp. salt 11/2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature 13/4 cups sugar, divided 1 large egg, room temperature 3 tsp. vanilla extract 1/4 cup sour cream Red natural food coloring MAKE IT
1. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt; set aside. 2. Place butter and 11/2 cups sugar in a large bowl. With an electric mixer, beat until light and fluffy, 3 to 5 minutes. Add egg, vanilla, and sour cream; mix until combined. 3. Slowly add dry ingredients to wet; mix until well incorporated, but be careful not to overmix. Refrigerate batter for 30 minutes. 4. Preheat oven to 350°F. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper. Remove dough from refrigerator. Put remaining 1/4 cup sugar in a small bowl. 5. For each cookie, roll a heaping teaspoonful of dough in your hands to form a ball, then roll in sugar. Place on prepared cookie sheets; flatten slightly with your palm. 6. Bake until golden brown around edges, about 10 minutes. Remove from oven; let cool on sheets for 2 to 3 minutes. Use a spatula to transfer cookies to a wire rack to cool completely. 7. Use a pastry brush to dab red food coloring onto clean rubber stamps normally used for crafts (Alphabet Stamp Set, $20; melissaanddoug .com). Press sweet messages onto cookies. NUTRITION PER COOKIE
74 calories; 1g protein; 3g fat (2g sat. fat); 11g carbs; 0 fiber; 7g sugar; 9mg calcium; 0 iron; 75mg sodium
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Short on time? Use store-bought sugar cookies instead. Either way, be sure to press down firmly to make a solid impression.
L I F E ÑVa l e nt i n e ’s D a y
Valentine’s Day calls for a sweet breakfast ... it’s basically a muffin, after all.
PA R T N E R PLUS TIP:
Easy ways to veggie-boost breakfast: Add pumpkin puree to oatmeal or cooked riced cauliflower to scrambled eggs. Brought to you by Green Giant.
Kiss Me Cakes (FROM PAGE 69) Active Time 40 minutes Total Time 40 minutes Makes about 24 pancakes
I N G R E DI E N T S 1 cup all-purpose flour 3/4 cup whole-wheat flour 2 Tbs. sugar 2 tsp. baking powder 1/2 tsp. baking soda 1/4 tsp. salt 11/2 cups buttermilk 1 egg 3 Tbs. vegetable oil 1 tsp. vanilla extract Butter or vegetable oil, for cooking MAKE IT
1. Preheat oven to 200°F. In a large bowl, whisk together flours, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. 2. In a small bowl, whisk the buttermilk, egg, oil, and vanilla.
Red-Velvet Mug Muffins
MAKE IT
1. In a small cup, combine milk and white vinegar.
Active Time 20 minutes Total Time 20 minutes Makes 2 servings
I N G R E DI E N T S 1/4 cup low-fat milk 1/2 tsp. white vinegar 6 Tbs. flour 1/4 cup sugar 2 Tbs. unsweetened cocoa powder 1/4 tsp. baking powder Pinch of salt 3 Tbs. vegetable oil 1 egg 1 tsp. vanilla extract 1/2 tsp. red natural food coloring Confectioners’ sugar
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2. In a small bowl, combine flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking powder, and salt. 3. In a separate small bowl, combine vegetable oil, egg, vanilla, and food coloring. Add the milk mixture and the oil mixture to the flour mixture. Stir until well combined. Divide batter between 2 microwavesafe mugs; do not fill more than halfway. 4. Microwave mugs individually on high for 11/2 minutes. When done, the muffins should be firm
and springy, not doughy. If they aren’t done, microwave in 15-second intervals up to 21/2 minutes total, checking after each 15-second interval. Let cool for 3 minutes while you make a heart stencil. 5. To make the stencil: Cut a circle of parchment paper that will fit inside the rim of the mugs and cover the surface of the muffins. Cut a heart out of the center of the circle. Place stencil on each muffin and shake on confectioners’ sugar.
3. Add the buttermilk mixture to the flour mixture. Stir just until moistened. Transfer batter to a pancake pen, if using. 4. Slick a large pan or griddle set over medium heat with butter or oil. If using a pen, “write” X and O shapes with the pen on the hot pan. Or make round pancakes. Cook the pancakes for 3 minutes or until the edges are slightly dry. Flip and cook on the other side until lightly browned, 2 more minutes. If pancakes are round, cut out letters with X- and O-shaped cookie cutters. Place pancakes on a plate in the oven while completing the batch.
NUTRITION PER SERVING
NUTRITION PER PANCAKE
435 calories; 8g protein; 24g fat (4g sat. fat); 49g carbs; 2g fiber; 28g sugar; 95mg calcium; 2mg iron; 186mg sodium
75 calories; 2g protein; 3g fat (1g sat. fat); 9g carbs; 1g fiber; 2g sugar; 48mg calcium; 1mg iron; 130mg sodium
L I F E ÑVa l e nt i n e ’s D a y
Love Letters Active Time 10 minutes Total Time 40 minutes Makes 22 letters
I N G R E DI E N T S 1/4 cup Wilton Candy Melts MAKE IT
e se Store th oom tr a ts a e fun tr ture a r e temp days. 2 to p u for
1. Place Candy Melts in a microwave-proof bowl. Microwave on half power for 30 seconds. Stir thoroughly, and if the candy isn’t melted, continue to microwave in 10-second intervals. Stir until smooth. 2. Use a spoon to dab melted candy into an alphabet candy mold. Scrape a thin spatula across the top of the mold to remove excess candy. Place in freezer for at least 30 minutes. Pop letters out and compose your message. NUTRITION PER LETTER
14 calories; 0 protein; 1g fat (1g sat. fat); 2g carbs; 0 fiber; 2g sugar; 1mg calcium; 0 iron; 3mg sodium
Make picture-perfect letters with the Cybrtrayd Alphabet A to Z Chocolate Candy Mold ($7; amazon.com).
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M&M’S® NOW STUCK IN A CHOCOLATE BAR. WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?
I can think of a few things.
©
©2019 Mars or Affiliates
©
L I F E Ñ H om e
New Column! S AV E M Y S PA C E
What Should I Hang Above My Sofa? Design experts (who also happen to be moms and dads) share brilliant and affordable ideas for making the most of an empty wall.
THE MODERN C O L L E C T O R S AY S . . .
T H E S M A L L- S PA C E E X P E R T S AYS . . .
Put Baskets on Display
Show Off a Rug
“Achieve a California-cool vibe by hanging an array of baskets on your wall. They’re natural-looking, light, and available in a range of prices. Look for shallow, bowl-shaped options with similar color schemes, like tan or beige, so you can focus on the texture and design of the weave without having it feel too busy. You may already own some baskets to start with, but if not, Dear Keaton and Etsy have lots of choices. Odd numbers make a better composition, so start with five baskets that vary in size. Hang them in a casual design with small nails or screw-in hooks, and add to your collection over time.”
“A vintage rug can add unexpected texture to a wall. To decide on a palette, look for a rug that complements the colors in your space. Bright hues and prints will give the room a focal point, while muted tones lend a sense of serenity. You could use a 4x6-foot rug, a runner, or two small rugs hanging vertically, side by side. Once you’ve found your favorite, mount a wooden rug or quilt hanger from The Citizenry or Etsy on the wall before snapping the rug into place. Hanging a rug is a great way to admire it without exposing it to the unavoidable mess that comes with family life. When your kids are older, you can use it on the floor.”
— Rebecca Robertson, an interior designer in New York City
T H E D O - I T-YO U R S E L F E R S AY S . . .
Create a Themed Gallery
Raffia baskets, $22 to $54 each; dearkeaton.com
“A grouping of framed artwork that sticks to one motif can make a big impact. First, choose a theme, like floral prints or blackand-white portraits. Then measure the space you have to work with. To get the layout right, cut out pieces of paper that mimic the size and shape of
the grouping you visualize and tape them to the wall. Keep in mind that a small arrangement will get swallowed up; try to fill the available space. Next, browse your local thrift stores or flea markets for affordable art and picture frames. Don’t worry about sticking to the same artist; the theme will give you enough of a cohesive look. Buy Command hooks to hang the lighter pieces of art and OOK-brand hooks and D rings for oversize ones.” —Stacey-Ann Blake, a blogger at DesignAddictMom.com, in Fayetteville, North Carolina
—Gunnar Larson, an interior designer in New York City
Find similar vintage rugs at revivalrugs.com.
Have a home-décor, organizing, or cleaning question? Email us at savemyspace@parents.com.
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CLOCKWISE FROM TOP: GAP INTERIORS/DAN DUCHARS; ARMASTAS/GETTY; COURTESY OF DEAR KEATON.
by K A R A T H O M P S O N
GladŽ with Febreze™ traps, locks and neutralizes tough odors like no other.
L I F EÑ C l e a n i n g
Protect your upholstery. You don’t need special pet covers. To keep dirt, fur, and odor off couches and armchairs, tuck inexpensive throw blankets over the cushions. “Buy smooth, tightly woven wool or cotton blankets that you can wash. Avoid dry-clean-only versions or anything with a loose-knit weave that can get pulled by claws,” says Erin Gates, an interior designer and author of Elements of Family Style. When company comes over, simply remove the blankets. They’re also a great defense against spills and sticky toddler hands.
Brush up on grooming.
Get a whiff of this: A few clever tactics and some smart products can help your fur babies live alongside your human babies without making a huge mess. by C AY L I N H A R R I S
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Contain the clawing. Cats tend to scratch on furniture if they’re bored or if there’s nothing they’re allowed to scratch. Take a two-pronged approach to preventing damage: Place a
DANIELLE HATCHER/OFFSET.
A Clean House —With Pets!
Tend to your pet’s coat at least once a week, says Maranda Elswick, D.V.M., a veterinarian and founder of TheMeowingVet.com. Groom your pet outside or in a contained space like a mudroom or a bathroom where you can quickly clean up the fallen hair. To remind yourself, hang the brush where you can see it. Dr. Elswick likes the FURminator line of brushes (furminator.com). “They remove loose hair from the top coat and the undercoat too,” she explains, meaning there will be fewer dog- and cat-hair tumbleweeds rolling around on your floors. Psst! Pet brushing is a great chore to delegate to older kids.
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IT’S NOT JUST YO U : TH R E E O UT OF FOUR PET O W N E R S H AV E T O CLEAN UP AFTER P E T S D A I LY.
“I'm worth the price of vacuuming.”
—2018 Libman Pets & Cleaning Survey
Rest easy. If you let your pet sleep with you, your bed will get dirty. However, if you can’t resist, there are ways to keep your bed cleaner. “Regular grooming and paw wipe downs will help remove dirt and germs,” says Dr. Elswick. She also suggests that pets sleep on top of your comforter, at the foot of the bed on their own throw blanket, to add a layer of dirt protection. Pets should also receive consistent flea and tick treatments.
Arm your entryway.
Keep nails in check. This will cut down on all sorts of damage to your home, especially on hardwood floors. A nail trim every week or two is recommended, but if your dog won’t let you touch his nails, Scott Sheaffer, a dog-behavior specialist and founder of USA Dog Behavior LLC, suggests spending at least 20 to 30 minutes of your daily walk on pavement to help wear them down.
and laundered. Dog owners might try leather, says Gates, who notes that it doesn’t hold on to fur and is easy to wipe down, but it can show claw marks.
Clear the air. Think of an air purifier as a robot housekeeper for your home. It pulls dust, pet dander, and germs from the air so they don’t settle on surfaces. Melissa Maker, founder of Clean My Space, recommends choosing a unit with HEPA filtration and paying attention to the square footage the model is meant for. One unit won’t be able to filter your whole house! Try our budget pick, the Coway AP-1512HH Mighty Air Purifier ($230; amazon.com), or for extra filtration, the buzzworthy Molekule Air purifier ($799; molekule.com).
Make meals mess-free.
Shop smarter. When purchasing furniture, look for indoor/outdoor fabrics for upholstery. “They come in great patterns and solids and aren’t stiff the way they used to be,” says Gates. If you dislike these performance fabrics, opt for cotton or denim slipcovers that can be removed
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Protect your floors. If you have hardwood, cover it with area rugs. In a high-traffic spot, try a combo of an indoor/outdoor rug with a cushioned rug pad underneath. Skip anything with a loose weave that you can pull apart with your fingers, as it’s an invitation for clawing. If covering the floors is not an option, Dr. Elswick recommends Dr. Buzby’s ToeGrips ($35; shop.toegrips .com), little rubber grips that go over each of your dog’s toenails to keep your pet from slipping and sliding.
The Molekule’s special filter destroys bacteria and viruses.
Don’t keep your pet’s food out all the time. Not only will this help your pet maintain a healthy weight, but it also minimizes messes. Clea Shearer and Joanna Teplin, the professional organizers behind The Home Edit, recommend placing sturdy bowls on a large, easy-to-wipe place mat, like the Hubulk Dog and Cat Food Feeding mats ($11 to $17; amazon.com). The grip helps keep the bowls steady, and if there are any spills, cleanup is easier. If your dog eats too fast and regurgitates its food,
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rope or corrugated-cardboard scratch post, like the Vesper V-Box Small Walnut cat tower ($100; petco.com) or the You & Me Couch Cardboard Cat Scratcher ($27; petco.com), in the room where they’re scratching to help channel their energy elsewhere. Then spritz your upholstered furniture with Ceva Feliway Spray ($25; amazon.com), a vet-recommended product that deters scratching. Just be sure to test it on a small, unseen part of the upholstery before using.
Create a kit with all the essentials for dog walks, including leashes, dog-cleanup bags, outdoor toys, old towels (to wipe off dirt and water), and hypoallergenic baby wipes (for quick paw wiping), and stash it near the door in a small bin or basket. You’ll never be caught unprepared for a muddy pup again.
SunbrellaÂŽ is a registered trademark of Glen Raven, Inc.
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F A B R I C S
Unconditional love requires unconditional fabrics.
sunbrella.com
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use a Non Tip Slow Feed Bowl ($15 to $17; neaterpets.com), which has a moat-like design to slow eating down.
Simplify food storage. Keeping dry food in its bag makes it easier for sneaky pets to find a way in and make a huge mess. “We use clear acrylic containers with a seal to help keep food fresh and visible,” says Shearer. Try Progressive’s ProKeeper pet-food container ($23; containerstore.com),
YO U R FO O LP R O O F T O O L K IT Inevitably, some messes will happen. Tidy them up with five expert picks.
Sucks up dirt and washes in just one step!
The Bissell CrossWave Pet Pro Multi-Surface Wet Dry Vac vacuums and washes simultaneously, and can be used on area rugs and hardwood floors. Designed for homes with pets, it has a pet-hair strainer and a no-tangle brush roll. $319; bissell.com
and for larger pets, opt for an oversize lidded container like Iris Pet Food Containers ($17 to $22; containerstore .com). Cut the purchase info from the food bag and attach it to the bin in case of a recall, and if one pet gets special food, label the containers. If you have leftover food in a can, pop a rubber lid like the Harmony Pink and Navy Rubber Can Lids ($5 for two; petco.com) on the top before refrigerating to prevent accidental spills.
Get gear organized.
Clean My Space founder Melissa Maker recommends creating a paste with powdered OxiClean and a little bit of water, then working it into stubborn pet stains on clothes, towels, and other machine-washable items before laundering. $8 for 3 lbs.; grocery stores nationwide
Lightweight and cord-free for easy use
Biokleen Bac-Out Pet Stain and Odor Remover uses an eco-friendly enzyme- and plant-based formulation. Spray it on hard-to-tackle items like carpets, upholstery, and mattresses. $11.50; biokleenhome.com
Keep all medications, nail clippers, brushes, and grooming supplies handy in a simple plastic tote with a handle, like the Libman Deluxe Maid Caddy ($8; homedepot.com). You can take it wherever you need it to be; just make sure you store it out of reach of the kids.
Designer Erin Gates keeps the Dyson V8 Animal cordless vac around for small jobs. Stash it near the entryway to pick up dirt after your pet comes in. $400; dyson.com
Keeping a pet bed nice might feel like a losing battle, but certain models make your job easier. PetFusion Ultimate Orthopedic Memory Foam Dog Bed ($120 for large; petco.com) has a removable cover made from tear-resistant fabric. The Dozer Pet Bed ($125 to $250; dozerpets.com) uses activated carbon to absorb and neutralize odor.
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Parents’ pet-owning staffers swear by Zero Odor Pet. Not just a cover-up or a cleanser, it eliminates odor at the molecular level, which also prevents pets from going back to the same spot. $16; zeroodor.com
SEE SOMETHING YO U N E E D ? Scan this code with your phone’s camera to find these pet-cleaning products in Parents’ Amazon shop (no app required).
ALL IMAGES COURTESY OF THE BRANDS.
Choose the right pet bed.
COMBINE HOME & AUTO Feel good knowing you have the home and car insurance policies you deserve. You could even get a Multi-Policy discount.
geico.com | 1-800-947-AUTO (2886) | Local Agent
Some discounts, coverages, payment plans and features are not available in all states, in all GEICO companies, or in all situations. Boat and PWC coverages are underwritten by GEICO Marine Insurance Company. Motorcycle and ATV coverages are underwritten by GEICO Indemnity Company. Homeowners, renters and condo coverages are written through non-affiliated insurance companies and are secured through the GEICO Insurance Agency. GEICO is a registered service mark of Government Employees Insurance Company, Washington, D.C. 20076; a Berkshire Hathaway Inc. subsidiary. GEICO Gecko image Š 1999-2019. Š 2019 GEICO
L I F E Ñ Fa m i ly T r a v e l THE CHILDHOOD BUCKET LIST
12 Trips to Take Before Kindergarten
Part 1
There will come a day, maybe earlier than you think, when mini waterslides, character meetups, and toy cars will seem babyish to your kid. Make memories at these vacation spots before they lose their spark. by J E F F B O G L E
Seuss Stories Come to Life Your family can visit the Cat, almost at the drop of a hat.
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The Amazing World of Dr. Seuss Museum Springfield, Massachusetts In Theodor Geisel’s hometown, there’s a wondrous attraction that will make your little ones feel as if they’re walking right into a Dr. Seuss book, starting with the squiggly railing at the entrance. “Our kids loved playing in life-size representations from their favorite stories,” says Meg Brunson,
founder of FamilyRoadVentures.com. Little visitors can try out instruments for Horton’s Who-Ville Band, dress like Yertle, and invent zany words using a touch screen in the railroad cave they’ll remember from Green Eggs and Ham. “We made red bow ties in The Cat’s Corner!” says Brunson. End your visit at the bronze sculpture garden of Dr. Seuss characters—it’s a fab place to throw down a blanket for lunch.
MEG BRUNSON.
At The Amazing World of Dr. Seuss Museum, kids can arrange the Cat’s tail, arms, and legs in different poses.
T WI LD
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L I F E Ñ Fa m i ly T r a v e l
Sesame Place
The Dr. Seuss Experience Seattle, Boston, and Houston This pop-up exhibit—with a balloon maze and swings surrounded by Lorax trees—will tour cities this year after a stint in Toronto. (See the schedule at experienceseuss.com.) Kaley Richarz, of Hamilton, Ontario, said her 3-year-old talked to the Cat in the Hat; it uses AI technology to reply. “My son asked him if he wanted tea,” says Richarz. “He responded that he loves tea and thanked him for bringing it.” The fam also listened for “Whos” in Horton’s forest and sent fuzzy balls through a vacuum tube.
Orlando In this part of Universal’s Islands of Adventure, kids can eat green eggs and ham (if they’ll eat them anywhere, it’s here) and ride a carousel with 50 of Dr. Seuss’s animals. “The best photo op is in front of the threestory-tall hat at the Cat in the Hat ride,” says Derek Burgan, a writer for the theme-park site TouringPlans.com.
Play to Their Passions Plan a trip that fuels their current obsession. Hurry; you never know when the phase will end.
Sesame Place
LUCK Y DUCKS! The bronze statues of Mrs. Mallard and her eight babies from Make Way for Ducklings charm kids at Boston’s Public Garden. Walk around the park where the story is set, and take a Swan Boat ride.
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Langhorne, Pennsylvania While most theme parks offer more to do as kids get older, this Muppet-friendly mecca near Philadelphia is tailor-made for the toddler and preschool crowd. There are nearly 20 rides your family can go on together, including Flying Cookie Jars and, new this spring, Big Bird’s Tour Bus. A Neighborhood Street Party Parade, meet and greets with characters, and live shows may excite kids even more than rides. “Elmo the Musical—Live! is our family’s fave,” says Lori Ciupinski. “My 3-year-old wouldn’t sit still, but then the show started, and it was like it cast a spell on her. She was glued to it.” West Coasters, hang tight for the second Sesame Place, opening in San Diego next spring.
families at the entrance to this park 90 minutes from Dallas. Copy what Kristal Holtzclaw Molina’s family did on a visit with her kids, ages 3 and 4, last July: Take a quick pic, then look for tracks. The park has five main sites, all in or near a riverbed. “The kids found s auropod and theropod tracks in an area called the Blue Hole,” says Molina, who blogs at SimplyKristalClear.com. “One side has a sandy bottom that the kids loved.”
Carlsbad, California, and Winter Haven, Florida Just for littles ages 3 to 5, these colorful cars look like they’re made from a LEGO set. Your child hops in solo (she’s got this!) and gleefully steers around a track with pint-size stop signs and fuel pumps. Attendants break up traffic jams and give gentle coaching on pressing the gas pedal. Before it’s all over, your threenager earns a driver’s license to take home.
Roaring Camp Railroad
Dinosaur Valley State Park Glen Rose, Texas Two enormous dinosaur statues that were exhibited at the 1964 New York World’s Fair greet
Junior Driving School at LEGOLAND
Whoa! Dinosaur Valley State Park has real tracks.
Felton, California Feed a kiddo’s insatiable train hunger and check a big item off your list with the railroad’s Redwood Forest Steam Train. This 75-minute ride goes clickety-clack through redwood groves, pumping out steam along the way. It stops at the summit of Bear Mountain so passengers can walk among the towering conifers.
THIS PAGE, CLOCKWISE FROM TOP: 2019© SESAME PLACE; TEXAS PARKS AND WILDLIFE DEPARTMENT; JEFF BOGLE. OPPOSITE: COURTESY OF THE LOCATIONS.
Seuss Landing
Resorts That Treat Kids Like VIPs W H AT ’ S T H E B E S T A G E
Their red carpet awaits.
FOR A FIRST DISNEY TRIP?
They’ll never be too old for the Land of Mickey. But it can be tricky to find that sweet spot for their maiden voyage. We asked for opinions from Disney veterans:
7 or 8 “It’s a big investment: time, money, and vacation days. So you want to make sure the kids are old enough to thoroughly enjoy—and remember—the experience but still young enough to revel in the magic.” ÑEileen Ogintz, founder of TakingTheKids.com
The Ritz-Carlton, Amelia Island Amelia Island, Florida There were once real pirates in the waters near this resort, which makes it extra fun to pretend they’re still around, right? Book the Pirate Tuck-In experience: A swashbuckler (bearing milk and cookies) and a real macaw will read a story and leave a keepsake treasure chest. During the day, the blue-and-gold macaw sits poolside waiting to dish out high fives and dazzle kids with the 30 words it can speak.
Franklyn D. Resort & Spa
5 “We waited until our daughter Hannah was 41/2 to take her on her first Disney trip, and we probably should have given it another six months. Older kids are better able to communicate when they’re getting tired, hot, hungry, or frightened, making it easier to avoid overdoing it. That makes the trip more fun for everyone.”
6 “They’ll meet the height requirements for most of the rides and have the stamina for long park days.” ÑGabe Saglie, senior editor at Travelzoo.com and dad of three
ÑLen Testa, coauthor of The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World 2020
35 months “Kids are still free until their third birthday.” ÑJessica Hartshorn, entertainment editor, Parents
Runaway Bay, Jamaica The greatest perk kids and parents get at this all-inclusive is their own nanny, who hangs with the little ones or the whole fam (you decide) during the day. “My toddler has lots of energy,” says Erin Benson, who visited last fall. “Our nanny had him constantly doing something—swimming, arts and crafts, playing games on the beach. For the first time, I actually relaxed on vacation.”
How many times would your kid want to go down this slide at Franklyn D. Resort & Spa?
A story read by a pirate—shiver me timbers!
Tyler Place Swanton, Vermont Your children will live their best life at this idyllic lakefront resort. Here, “all-inclusive” extends far beyond the burgers and fresh fruit on the table. There are trampolines, an inflatable water park on the lake, beginner fishing lessons, nature hikes, movie nights, and pajama parties, all with the guidance of a counselor for every three to six kids. Best of all, each kiddo gets his own bike or trike to use (plus a helmet!) for your family’s entire stay.
L I F E Ă‘ Fo o d
Back-Pocket Chicken Dinners When you need a guaranteed suppertime win, look no further than one of these easy, family-friendly recipes for America’s favorite protein. by E R I C A C L A R K / photographs by J E N C A U S E Y
Butter Chicken Active Time 25 minutes Total Time 30 minutes Makes 4 servings I N G R E DI E N T S 1 lb. skinless, boneless chicken breasts, cut into 1-in. cubes 3/4 tsp. kosher salt, divided 1/4 tsp. ground black pepper 1 Tbs. garam masala 1 tsp. turmeric 1 tsp. paprika 2 Tbs. canola oil 1 yellow onion, chopped 2 garlic cloves, chopped 1 tsp. freshly grated ginger 1 15-oz. can crushed tomatoes 1 cup frozen peas 1 5-oz. can evaporated milk 2 Tbs. unsalted butter Chopped fresh cilantro, for garnish (optional) MAKE IT
2. Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-high. Add the onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until it starts to soften, about 3 minutes. Add the garlic and ginger and cook, stirring, 1 minute. Add the spiced chicken and brown on all sides, about 6 minutes.
INTRO TO INDIAN
This mild dish is an excellent first South Asian meal for skeptical eaters. Serve with rice or store-bought naan to catch every drop of sauce.
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3. Add the crushed tomatoes, frozen peas, and remaining 1/4 tsp. salt, and bring to a simmer. Use a wooden spoon to scrape up the brown bits from the bottom of the pan. Reduce heat to medium-low; cover and cook, 5 minutes. 4. Stir in the evaporated milk. Remove from heat and stir in the butter. Serve topped with cilantro, if desired. NUTRITION PER SERVING
425 calories; 30g protein; 25g fat (8g sat. fat); 22g carbs; 5g fiber; 10g sugar, 4mg iron; 170mg calcium; 783mg sodium
FOOD STYLING BY CHELSEA ZIMMER. PROP STYLING BY CHRISTINE KEELY.
1. Season the chicken cubes with 1/2 tsp. salt and the pepper. Combine the garam masala, turmeric, and paprika in a large bowl. Add the chicken and toss to coat.
L I F E Ñ Fo o d
Pickle-Marinated Chicken Tenders Active Time 20 minutes Total Time 40 minutes Makes 4 servings I N G R E DI E N T S 1 lb. chicken tenders 1 cup pickle juice (from a jar of dill pickles) 1/4 cup Dijon mustard 2 Tbs. honey 2 Tbs. mayonnaise 1/3 cup whole-wheat flour 1 egg, beaten 3/4 cup panko breadcrumbs 3/4 cup French’s Fried Onions, crushed Cooking spray MAKE IT
1. Arrange chicken in a shallow bowl and cover with the pickle juice. Refrigerate at least 1 hour and up to overnight. 2. To make the dipping sauce, mix the mustard, honey, and mayonnaise in a small bowl; refrigerate. 3. Spread the flour in a shallow bowl. Pour the egg into a second shallow bowl. Combine the panko and fried onions in a third shallow bowl. 4. Preheat oven to 375°F. Line a baking sheet with foil and fit with a rack, then coat the rack lightly with cooking spray. 5. Working with 1 or 2 tenders at a time, remove from the marinade and transfer directly to the flour, turning to coat. Shake off excess flour and transfer tenders to the egg, again turning to coat. Let excess egg drip off, then transfer the tenders to the breadcrumb mixture. Turn to coat and gently press the crumbs to help them adhere. Arrange tenders on the prepared rack. Repeat with the remaining tenders. 6. Coat the tenders lightly with cooking spray, then transfer the chicken to the oven and bake 15 to 18 minutes, or until cooked through. Serve with prepared dipping sauce. NUTRITION PER SERVING
373 calories; 30g protein; 15g fat (4g sat. fat); 28g carbs; 1g fiber; 9g sugar, 1mg iron; 17mg calcium; 488mg sodium
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N E X T- L E V E L YUMMINESS
The only downside of these addictive chicken strips is that your kids may never accept a frozen nugget again.
Sesame-Garlic Chicken Thighs Active Time 20 minutes Total Time 35 minutes Makes 4 servings
A BE AUTIFUL BIRD
For golden, delicious chicken, make sure the skin is as dry as possible before searing. Damp chicken skin will steam instead of brown.
I N G R E DI E N T S 2 Tbs. low-sodium soy sauce 2 garlic cloves, minced 1 tsp. grated ginger 11/2 Tbs. honey 1 Tbs. rice vinegar 1 tsp. toasted sesame oil 6 skin-on, bone-in chicken thighs (about 21/2 lbs.) 1/2 tsp. kosher salt 1/4 tsp. ground black pepper 1 Tbs. canola oil 1 tsp. toasted sesame seeds 1 scallion, thinly sliced MAKE IT
1. Preheat oven to 450°F. In a medium bowl, whisk together the soy sauce, garlic, ginger, honey, rice vinegar, and sesame oil. 2. Pat the chicken dry with paper towels, then season all over with salt and pepper. Heat the oil in a large, oven-safe skillet over medium-high. Add the chicken, skin side down, and sear undisturbed, 3 minutes. Cover the pan with a splatter guard if you have one. 3. Continue to cook until some of the fat has been released and the skin is well browned, about 8 minutes. Carefully drain off the fat in the pan. Flip the chicken pieces and pour the prepared sauce over the top. 4. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes, or until the sauce has thickened and the chicken is cooked through (165°F). 5. Remove pan from the oven and use tongs to turn the chicken in the sauce to coat. Sprinkle with sesame seeds and scallion. Serve with extra sauce from the pan drizzled on top. NUTRITION PER SERVING
424 calories; 36g protein; 27g fat (7g sat. fat); 8g carbs; 0 fiber; 7g sugar; 2mg iron; 24mg calcium; 617mg sodium
L I F E Ñ Fo o d
Apple Cider Roast Chicken Active Time 20 minutes Total Time 1 hour 45 minutes to 2 hours 15 minutes Makes 6 servings I N G R E DI E N T S 1 5-lb. whole chicken 1 tsp. kosher salt, divided 1/2 tsp. ground black pepper 1 lemon, quartered 10 sprigs fresh thyme, plus more leaves for topping 1 lb. sweet potatoes, peeled and quartered 2 apples, cored and quartered 12 prunes 3 shallots, quartered 2 Tbs. olive oil 2 Tbs. unsalted butter, broken into pieces 3/4 cup apple cider MAKE IT
1. Preheat oven to 425°F. Pat chicken dry with paper towels, then season with 1/2 tsp. each salt and pepper. Place the lemon quarters and half the thyme sprigs in the cavity of the chicken. 2. Combine the sweet potatoes, apples, prunes, shallots, and the remaining sprigs of thyme in a 9x13-in. roasting pan. Drizzle with the olive oil and toss to coat. Sprinkle with remaining 1/2 tsp. salt. 3. Set the chicken on top of the sweet-potato mixture and dot the bird with the butter. Pour the apple cider into the pan and transfer to the oven. Bake until the chicken is cooked through, about 1 1/2 hours (the temp in the thigh should be 170°F).
O N E - PA N W I N N E R
Comfort food doesn’t get much easier than this sweet-and-savory supper. Roasting fruit with the bird makes the meal even more kid-friendly.
4. Transfer chicken to a cutting board and let rest for 10 minutes before carving. Serve with the sweet-potato mixture and a sprinkle of fresh thyme leaves. Pass roasting liquid, if desired. NUTRITION PER SERVING
507 calories; 38g protein; 23g fat (6g sat. fat); 36g carbs; 5g fiber; 18g sugar, 3mg iron; 59mg calcium; 330mg sodium PA R E N T S
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L I F E Ă‘ Fo o d
Cheesy Chicken Stuffed Shells Active Time 25 minutes Total Time 1 hour 10 minutes Makes 8 servings I N G R E DI E N T S Kosher salt 32 jumbo pasta shells (about 9 oz.) 2 cups shredded rotisserie chicken 1 15-oz. container part-skim ricotta cheese 1 10-oz. box frozen chopped spinach, thawed and squeezed dry 1 Tbs. finely chopped fresh basil leaves 2 eggs, beaten 1/4 tsp. ground black pepper 1 24-oz. jar marinara sauce 4 oz. fresh mozzarella, sliced 1/3 cup freshly grated Parmesan, for topping MAKE IT
1. Preheat oven to 375°F and bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Prepare shells according to package directions for al dente pasta; drain and set aside. 2. In a large bowl, combine the chicken, ricotta, spinach, basil, eggs, and pepper. 3. Spread 1 cup of the marinara sauce in the bottom of a 9x13-in. baking dish. Fill each shell with 1 Tbs. of the chicken-ricotta filling and arrange in the baking dish. 4. Spoon the remaining marinara sauce over the shells. Place mozzarella slices over sauce, and sprinkle the Parmesan evenly over the top.
MEAL PREP IT
You can assemble and refrigerate this dish up to 3 days in advance. Just add 20 minutes to the initial baking time.
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5. Loosely cover with parchment paper and foil, and bake until the cheese is melted and starting to bubble, about 35 minutes. Uncover and bake until lightly browned, about 10 minutes more. NUTRITION PER SERVING
400 calories; 29g protein; 14g fat (6g sat. fat); 41g carbs; 4g fiber; 6g sugar, 3mg iron; 350mg calcium; 753mg sodium
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ADVICE AS YOUR CHILD GROWS
Brush twice a day. 0 –12 M O N T H S
HOW TO
Boost Your Baby’s Oral Health by TA M E K I A R E E C E
Protect baby teeth.
Having cared for your own teeth all these years, you’d think your baby’s tiny ones would be no big deal. Yet many parents are still confused about what to do when teeth start appearing around 6 months. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends all babies see a dentist by their first birthday. Even though primary teeth are temporary, they are essential for eating, holding space for adult teeth, and developing facial structure and speech. (They are particularly important for producing sounds like l, th, and sh.) And while baby teeth will someday fall out, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t worry about decay.
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illustration by R O B I N R O S E N T H A L
It takes approximately 24 to 36 hours for plaque to harden into tartar. That’s why dentists recommend brushing twice a day. Even before your baby has any teeth, clean her mouth and gums with a damp washcloth. Once her first tooth sprouts, switch to a small, soft-bristled toothbrush. Put it on your baby’s gum line and brush in small circles, making sure to reach the front and back of every tooth. Also avoid putting her to bed with a bottle of formula or juice, or breastfeeding her on and off throughout the night. Don’t worry about dental floss yet: You can wait until she has two teeth that touch before you floss. Use fluoride toothpaste.
Experts once thought babies should use fluoride-free toothpaste, but now they advise using a brand with fluoride right from the start to avoid tooth decay. However, too much fluoride can cause white spots on teeth, and very young children tend to swallow toothpaste, so use only a small smear the size of a grain of rice. Parents often wonder whether they should use a toothpaste with a “baby” label. Any fluoride toothpaste will have the same concentration of fluoride, but the flavor of kids’ toothpaste may be more pleasant. Just be sure to avoid adult toothpaste with ingredients for whitening or tartar control. Sources: Homa Amini, D.D.S., associate professor of clinical pediatric dentistry at The Ohio State University College of Dentistry, in Columbus; Jill Lasky, D.D.S., a pediatric dentist at Lasky Pediatric Dental Group, in Los Angeles; Jade Miller, D.D.S., past president of the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry.
1–2 YEARS
HOW TO
Keep a Little Sprinter Safe by TA M E K I A R E E C E
Set ground rules.
Once your toddler masters walking, getting him to stay near you can seem to be an almost impossible task. Don’t bother explaining why wandering off is dangerous; he won’t understand. Instead, let him know what you expect during an outing, such as holding hands. Be sure to heap on the praise when he cooperates. If he feels good about his actions, he’s more likely to repeat them. Give the right commands.
If your kid runs off giggling toward a busy street, your natural instinct is to yell, “Stop!” But she’ll be confused about which behavior to cease: running or laughing. Instead, call her name; she’s more likely to respond. Then be specific about what you want her to do. If you’re in a safe area, reverse the chase to divert her attention and let her try to catch you. Make sticking around fun.
Sometimes toddlers run off simply because they’re bored. When you’re doing
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A G E S + S TAG E S
something routine like grocery shopping, be prepared. Point out interesting objects, play a color-hunt game, or sing interactive songs like “B-I-N-G-O.” When it’s possible to do so safely, let him explore and build his sense of independence. If he satisfies his curiosity, he’ll be less resistant when he needs to stay close. Sources: Adelle Cadieux, Psy.D., a pediatric psychologist at Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital, in Grand Rapids, Michigan; David Elkind, Ph.D., author of Parenting on the Go; Stephanie Mihalas, Ph.D., founder and clinical director of The Center for Well-Being, in Los Angeles.
3–4 YEARS
HOW TO
Follow Through on Potty Training by K AT H L E E N M . R E I L LY
Avoid accidents.
Even after you’ve ditched diapers, accidents can happen. The bladder is a muscle just like any other, and if your child is doing the potty dance all day, that means she’s constantly contracting her bladder. Over time, this makes the muscle thicker and the bladder’s capacity smaller. Pretty soon, it will start contracting with less warning and more force, and your kid may end up unexpectedly wetting her pants. The solution is getting her in the habit of going to the bathroom regularly. You don’t have to escort her there every ten minutes, but be aware of the last time she went (and how much she’s had to drink). As she gets older, she’ll become more in touch with her body’s cues. Tackle wiping woes.
Most kids don’t have the strength or dexterity to wipe properly until at least age 5, but you can still teach the basics now. The best way to do this is the “wipe, look, and drop” method. Explain how you press firmly to wipe, look at the tissue, then drop it into the toilet. Remind
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your child that he must repeat the process until the tissue comes back clean, then finish up with a thorough hand-washing. Keep everything matter-of-fact and simple. After you’ve shown him how to do it a couple of times, turn the task over to him (but do a check afterward). He may not want to try it, but stay firm. This is a skill that preschoolers need to learn. Eliminate constipation.
Your child can become stopped up because she’s choosing not to go, or her diet or a lack of fluids might be causing the problem. Either way, constipation can turn into a vicious cycle: If she doesn’t go for a while, pooping becomes difficult and painful—and that makes her not want to go even more. Although it’s important for a kid to eat plenty of fiber and go when she gets the urge, bathroom breaks aren’t high on any child’s priority list. She’d probably rather hold it in and keep playing. You can’t force your child to use the bathroom, and you definitely don’t want to turn the situation into a power struggle. The natural urge to poop is usually in the morning or after a meal, so make it a routine to get her to the bathroom then. Offer high-fiber foods like wholewheat pasta, black beans, and apples. If her constipation—or any other potty trouble—seems to be chronic, consult your pediatrician to rule out any underlying issues. Sources: Lawrence Balter, Ph.D., a psychologist in New York City; Edward R. Christophersen, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at Children’s Mercy Hospital, in Kansas City, Missouri; Steve J. Hodges, M.D., a pediatric urologist at Wake Forest Baptist Health, in WinstonSalem, North Carolina.
5–6 YEARS
HOW TO
Teach the Art of Apologizing by A M E L I A D R E S S
Take a step back.
If your child is having a disagreement with a friend and pushes her in the heat
of the moment, for example, help her calm down rather than demanding an apology. If you insist on her saying she’s sorry while she’s still upset, it’ll be harder for her to focus on how her behavior affected her friend. At this age, she is learning to have more empathy and appreciate the pain her actions can cause. This naturally triggers remorse and will help her handle conflicts better in the future. When her anger is directed at you, saying “We don’t talk that way! Apologize right now!” will only escalate the situation. Instead, tell her something like, “That hurts my feelings. I love you, but let’s take a few minutes apart and come back later.” Review what happened.
Once your child cools off, you can ask questions that help him see the other person’s perspective, such as, “How would you feel if that happened to you?” When it comes to apologizing, actions speak louder than words. So ask, “What can you do to make your friend feel better?” He might suggest drawing a picture, giving a hug, or offering to share a special toy. These gestures help a child realize he has the power to correct his own mistakes. You can also remind him of a time when he was in a similar situation. Then you can brainstorm ways to handle the conflict together. You might ask, “What could you have done differently?” If your child got mad at his brother for not sharing, remind him that in the future he could just say, “Please don’t do that.” Lead by example.
One of the most powerful teaching tools you have is your own behavior. If you snapped at your child when she interrupted a conversation, you might say, “I’m sorry I didn’t respond in a nicer way. In the future, I’ll take a deep breath to relax when I’m feeling frustrated.” This apology models the steps you are trying to teach her: taking responsibility and developing a plan for next time. As she sees this process in action, she will internalize the words and the meaning behind them. Sources: Ericka Anderson, a licensed professional counselor at The Healing Grove, in Basalt, Colorado; Jennifer Kirk, Psy.D., a psychologist at Kirk Neurobehavioral Health, in Louisville, Colorado.
7–9 YEARS
HOW TO
Handle Celebrity Obsessions by TA M E K I A R E E C E
to draw more attention to real-life rock stars, such as firefighters, police officers, doctors, nurses, and teachers. You can even talk up your child’s friends and family, and ask her what makes them special to her. The idea is to help her see that people all around her have a positive impact on others, and they don’t have to sell out concerts or lip kits to make a difference in the world. Sources: John Duffy, Psy.D., a psychologist and author of The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens; Gail Gross, Ph.D., Ed.D., a parenting expert in Houston; Katherine Lamparyk, Psy.D., a pediatric psychologist at Cleveland Clinic.
Explore the appeal.
Kids this age are searching for role models, and whether they’re watching The Dolan Twins on YouTube or craving Billie Eilish’s newest hair color, it’s common for them to idolize stars. Instead of joking about your kid’s infatuation, try and relate to her by asking what she admires about the person. You may be surprised. Even if you don’t agree, you can be accepting of a crush without letting it get out of control. It’s okay to give her an occasional celebrity-related gift or let her use her own money when she wants posters, T-shirts, or concert tickets, but don’t indulge every request. Also, keep an eye on what she’s watching online. As long as your child’s superstar fascination doesn’t seem to cross into unhealthy territory, just let it run its course. Encourage individuality.
His obsession could have more of a negative impact if he talks about the celebrity as though they have a personal relationship, he wants to do everything the star does, or he begins to make frequent comparisons to his own appearance. When children have solid self-esteem, they are more likely to follow their own instincts rather than the influence of celebs, athletes, or peers. So help your child develop his sense of self by exploring his talents. Before the pull of social media kicks in, which can lead to constant comparison to his peers, help him take pride in his actions. A compliment from you goes a long way, so offer genuine praise for his skills and characteristics. Focus on “everyday” stars.
Following celebrities is easier and more enticing than ever. While you can’t shield her from the Internet, try to cut back on her screen time. Look for opportunities
10–12 YEARS
HOW TO
Respond to Mood Swings by D I A N E D E B R OV N E R
Don’t be frightened by big feelings.
There’s a major reorganization going on inside your kid’s brain at this age, which makes her more likely to experience all sorts of intense emotions—from anger to elation to anguish. Tweens are increasingly self-conscious and worried about what others think of them, so they can feel smart and cool one minute, then stupid and awkward the next. If you show her that you can handle her strong emotions, you’ll help her realize they’re nothing to be afraid of.
Support coping skills.
Instead of rushing to fix the problem, ask how she’d like to settle down; does she want to have some tea, cuddle with the cat, or take a jog around the block? Some kids like to note their worries on index cards, then put them away—or write down reassuring mantras like “Everybody makes mistakes.” Keep in mind that kids are moody when there are too many demands on them. Having a regular routine will make her world feel more predictable and manageable. Sources: Parents advisor Lisa Damour, Ph.D., author of Under Pressure; Jill Emanuele, Ph.D., senior director, Mood Disorders Center, Child Mind Institute, in New York City; Parents advisor Wayne Fleisig, Ph.D., clinical psychologist at Children’s Behavioral Health-Ireland Center, in Birmingham, Alabama; Parents advisor Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D., author of Kid Confidence.
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he won’t be ten forever.
Be an empathetic listener.
Even if your kid’s behavior seems out of proportion, acknowledge and validate the way he feels. You might say, “I’m sorry that happened” or “You have every right to be mad.” Keep the focus on him rather than you—he may find it annoying if you say, “I know what you’re going through.” Using a calm tone of voice, repeat what he’s told you so he knows you’re paying attention, and articulate how you think he’s feeling.
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My sister told my niece that she couldn’t play with a toy until she cleaned her room. Adelyn handed the toy back to her mom and said, “I looked at my room, and it’s not worth it.”
Hayden, 5
Lori Moran La Habra, CA
Maya, 7
Ana Sofia, 4
I was pregnant with twins, and my daughter was watching me eat an apple when she said, “Mommy, your mouth isn’t that big. How did those babies get in your tummy?” I nearly choked. Laura Medrano Chicago, IL
Heavenly, 8
My younger sister sneezed in front of my boyfriend. He politely said, “Bless you,” to which she replied, “No, thank you, I’m already blessed.” Yarielix Owens Buffalo, NY
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PA R E N T S
104 F E B R U A R Y
2020
My daughter had been learning about bees in class when she asked, “Did you know that bees dance to tell other bees where to go because they don’t have Siri?”
I noticed my son intently playing with our TV remote. I asked him to put it down because it was naptime. He looked up and said, “If I’m going to be a daddy someday, I have to figure out how this thing works.” Angie Buelteman Columbia, IL
Sonja Jividen Centreville, VA
Creighton, 3
I told my son I was headed to a baby shower and asked if he’d like to come. When we arrived at the event, he asked, “Where is the baby, and where is the shower?” Kylee Low Enoch, UT
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Adelyn, 3
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