Don’t Tell Me I Can’t

DON’T TELL ME I CAN’T… ...be happily

The secret to Monica Cafferky’s 24-year relationship is NOT getting wed unmarried

Sitting in the church, listening to the bride and groom promise to cherish one another even when things become tough, my eyes fi ll with tears. It’s wonderful to see two people declare their love for one another so publicly. ‘What a romantic ceremony,’ I say, glancing at my partner, Chris, and thinking about how we met in 1995. I was 25 and had just moved into a houseshare in Huddersfi eld, and Chris, then 34, was one of my housemates. He’d enthral me with incredible stories about his world travels, plus he was honest, kind and reliable, all traits I value. Romance blossomed over late-night MTV (in the days before Netfl ix) and there was no doubt Chris was the perfect man for me. There still isn’t, and he’s told me many times he feels the same. Even so, while weddings fi ll me with joy, and I love Chris more than anything, you’ll never catch me walking down the aisle. And it’s not like I’ve never been asked –I have, three times, all pre-Chris, but marriage simply isn’t part of my life plan, and never has been. My fi rst proposal came when I was 18 years old, and my much-older boyfriend drunkenly blurted out we should marry. I laughed in response, and we split up a few weeks later. Then, in my early twenties, a man I’d just broken up with tearfully proposed, to which I gently said no. The fi nal off er came soon after, but we’d not been dating long, so I said no. That relationship didn’t last, either. Marriage seemed such a big, scary commitment, particularly as I’d been known to swing from being madly in love with someone to, a few weeks later, being annoyed by their loud breathing. I wasn’t alone in developing certain relationship peccadilloes –one friend split up with her boyfriend because she didn’t like how he walked, while another dumped a man because of how he ate. Then I met Chris, and while I adored everything about him (well, most of the time) I liked the idea that if I changed my mind, I could leave –no messy divorce, no lawyers. Neither of us wanted children and I’m sure this aff ected our decision. When my friends all started marrying off , I enjoyed celebrating their happiness, but it didn’t change my mind. In fact, it did the opposite when I saw the cost. The typical marriage bill is £30,000. ‘I’d rather pay off the mortgage,’ I told Chris, who was in total agreement. I also knew that if I married Chris, I’d somehow feel answerable to him – something I noticed with friends. When I fancied going to Ibiza on a yoga retreat, I didn’t want to have to consider Chris, and I wanted to be able to work into the night on my latest novel without having to worry what he thought. Monica with her partner Chris ‘I’D RATHER PAY OFF THE MORTGAGE’

As a writer, my name is a huge part of my identity, so I didn’t want to give that away, either, and it’s only recently become acceptable for women to keep their own name after marrying. But mainly, I wanted being together to always be a choice, not an obligation. Now, Chris and I have been together for 24 years, and like most couples we’ve had tough times –yet we’ve outlasted many marriages. However, I’d never disagree with anyone who wanted to get married –as that’s their choice –and I’ll treat myself to a new outfi t and swoon as they walk down the aisle. However, a piece of paper doesn’t guarantee someone’s love, faithfulness and kindness –that’s all down to the individual. ✱ The Winter’s Sleep by Monica Caff erky (£9.99, Jasper Tree Press) is out now

Yes, you can BUT REMEMBER… ✱ Civil partnerships give your relationship legal recognition, providing couples with equal rights and responsibilities. ✱ Don’t be afraid of couples counselling –visit relate.org.uk if you need to. ✱ To set out legal rights in parts of your relationship, you can make an offi cial agreement known as a ‘living together agreement’ or ‘cohabitation contract’.