The Moms Magazine, Farewell 2016

the

m moms mom keeping you current with all things mom

14

MAGAZINE

YEARS

WITHOUT A FAMILY PHOTO SHOOT

RED ROVER, RED ROVER, SEND MOMMY RIGHT OVER!

?

ONLINE RELATIONSHIPS

Farewell 2016

is the grass really greener

m

Read more online at www.TheMomsMagazine.com

Our Kids Grow Up

. . . and we grow & learn along with them

Nothing has changed but everything has changed

key elements in parenting as our boys become men

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My First Big Kid Cup

My Farewell Letter I would dare to guess that there aren't many publishers who put themselves on the cover of their own magazine. It's not the norm, right? You don’t ever see the owner on the cover. Well ... except for Oprah, I guess.

But this issue is my final tribute ... a farewell of sorts. At least in print. At least for now.

So why am I on the cover with my family? Well for starters, it's a small way for me to recognize them, and the support they've given me these past seven years. You know the saying, "Behind every great man there is a ..."?

Well I can honestly share with you that behind me and my business is a HUGELY supportive family ... especially my husband.

There is NO way I could have accomplished seven years as a magazine publisher without my talented and supportive husband. Andy has provided precision, an eye for details, and he's definitely my biggest cheerleader. We balance each other perfectly ... I'm the starter and he's my finisher. His fingerprints are on every issue, every page. Saying farewell to the magazine is as big of a deal for him as it is for me.

So why else put us on the cover? Would you believe me if I told you that it's been more than 13 years since we've had a family photo shoot? That's insane, right?

Sadly, it's true. The last "family" photo shoot happened eight years ago. But I wasn't present. That was the year that I separated from my husband and they did a photo shoot, without me. I share more about this starting on page 10.

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The MOMS Magazine • Farewell 2016 • www.TheMomsMagazine.com

In this Farewell Issue there are some people who I want to recognize and thank for the contributions they made to the magazine. First, Elisabeth Nixon.

For the first few years, Elisabeth was my exclusive photographer and creative director. She worked night and day with me on cover shoots, editorial photos ... you name it! There was even a time when a major medical tragedy hit my family ... so serious that I told my magazine staff to pack it up – that there was no way we could possibly continue.

Elisabeth stepped up and said, “Don’t you worry, we’ve got it.” She produced the Summer 2010 issue ... as if it never missed a beat. To this day, I marvel at my tribe of friends and coworkers.

This tribe of mama friends and writers produced some amazing articles, so I thought it would be fun to reach out to some of the original team. (When we first started out, the magazine was titled babyourself. It was a clever name, but inevitably it was misspelled or mispronounced. But I digress.) Anyhoo, I asked some of my team to write a "Seven Years Later" article. Kim highlights the ways motherhood has changed and what has stayed the same on page 8, and Jennifer (AKA our Reality Chic) shares key points on what she's learned about herself and her kids on page 16.

There are so many other incredible writers, photographers, editors, chefs and friends who have walked this journey with me. The list is too long to detail, but to you all I say “THANK YOU!”

So why the farewell?

Have you ever looked at what you're doing and said, "This is good, but I know it could be great!"? I'm certain that everyone would agree that the generation of print is slowing down.

Our digital age is transforming the way we stay informed ... and our readers primarily get their information online.

As a publisher, there are two groups of people who I want to please: my advertisers and my readers. For three years I have also owned Orlando Moms Blog and have grown a team of contributors who produce daily online content. In addition, Orlando Moms Blog throws some pretty amazing events which facilitate moms connecting with each other! So it's a no-brainer to shift both my advertisers and readers to this online platform, which has been growing rapidly!

Overall, the biggest reason for this transition from print to digital is simply to recognize the fact that we all change.

And it’s a good opportunity ... actually a GREAT opportunity to follow in step with these changes.

The Moms Magazine will always be my baby. It will remain online, but as for print, this is a farewell ... for now!

Kristi Corley

editor in chief kristi@TheMomsMagazine.com

2010

the

moms Volume 7, Issue 6 ~

Farewell 2016

www.TheMomsMagazine.com www.OrlandoMomsBlog.com www.facebook.com/TheMomsMagazine

EDITOR IN CHIEF kristi corley

EDITOR shirley neff

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS kristi corley kim daniels jennifer hatcher

PHOTOGRAPHY sara kearney photography

WEB AND DESIGN andy corley

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Nothing has changed but everything has changed

By Kim Daniels

Photography courtesy Elizabeth Nixon

2010

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The MOMS Magazine • Farewell 2016 • www.TheMomsMagazine.com

As I look back over the past 7 years, I see things that haven’t changed as well as things that have.

Things that have not changed: 1. They still wrestle … A LOT! 2. They still generate an amazing amount of laundry 3. They still need me Things that have changed: 1. The wrestling doesn’t (usually) end in fights 2. They all do their own laundry!!!

3. They still need me, just in a different way Nothing has changed, but everything has changed. They still have the great personalities that we watched emerge in their first weeks, but those personalities are developing and refining into maturity – and they are becoming the men that they will soon be. As they change, my role as caregiver and teacher is morphing into overseer and sounding board. And it will keep changing until they’re on their own and they only need a little advice now and then.

That change of roles is a gradual one and every stage is important, but it all starts when they’re little. That’s when the foundation is laid; when all the heavy work is done. It may seem a little trivial when your son gets frustrated and hits someone or says mean things, but that’s when you teach him to respect other people. It’s kind of funny when your little girl looks at you with a crumbcovered mouth and PROMISES that she didn’t eat a cookie, but

that’s when you teach her that she MUST tell the truth. It’s even laughable when your little man throws himself on the floor and kicks and screams when he doesn’t get what he wants, but that’s when you teach him self-control. All of those teachable moments are exhausting sometimes, but if we use them well, they lay the groundwork for who our kids will become. Men and women of integrity, honesty, and kindness don’t develop naturally or by accident. We have to instill good character in them year after year so that it becomes a part of the fabric of who they are.

So here I am now, with those foundation years well behind us, with my oldest about to go away to college in a few months and the others not far behind. While I still have a lot of input into his life, it’s time for my oldest to make his own decisions. All of that nearly constant training when he was little will guide him in these next life steps. I won’t be with him at college to make sure he treats women right in this rape-culture society, or to ensure that he doesn’t cheat on exams, or to keep him from falling for all of the pitfalls of life that are readily available. But I don’t need to be. Though he’s not perfect, I’m confident that the good character that my husband and I have been working to instill in him all of his life will help him to navigate into adulthood.

As I reach the last few years of my full-time parenting, I want to encourage those of you who are at the beginning. You’re doing the hard work and someday it will pay off. What you are doing is incredibly important! It’s an exhausting, wonderful, frustrating, and amazing job to care for the gifts that God has given us, and it’s a job that is rarely respected and appreciated. But don’t ever forget that what you are doing - training the next generation – is vital. It is possibly the most important job there is.

...and today

2016

The MOMS Magazine • Farewell 2016 • www.TheMomsMagazine.com

9

Red rover, red rover, send Mommy right over!

By Kristi Corley

Photography by twenty3moments photoart and Sara Kearney Photography

It's been more than 14 years since I've had a family photoshoot. Fourteen years. That's insane, right? Sadly, it's true.

The only family photo that hangs in our home are from a photoshoot that happened 7 years ago. But I wasn't present.

That was the year that I separated from my husband and they did a photoshoot without me.

I never spoke these words out loud during the 14-ish years, but I was so focused on myself and my longing for a fairytale life (with someone, anyone), and for whatever reason, that fairy-tale didn't involve my current life. And because my eyes were always wandering toward people and life-

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The MOMS Magazine • Farewell 2016 • www.TheMomsMagazine.com

styles that were more amazing than my own, I never wanted "those other more interesting people" to see me happy with my family. How insane is that?! And because of this asinine thought process, you'll only see a few proud snapshots of our entire family together.

After a year of counseling and (I'm certain) a LOT of prayers, we moved back under the same roof again, still with plenty of issues to work through. I remember my husband asking if I wanted this photo to be taken down. I said "NO!" Then jokingly said that we could add in a caption that reads, "Red rover, red rover, send Mommy right over!"

The photo stayed. That photo and the individual photos of the kids were the only images that have donned our walls these past seven years.

I've been absent. Absent from any photos on the walls. Absent as Family Mom. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being a mom. I am BLESSED to have been given these three amazing kids! They are truly my pride. Like any mom, I glow when someone asks me about my kids. Brag.

Brag. Brag. I can't help it!

But a Family Mom? You know, the photo that has Mom, Dad, and the kids? She was M.I.A.

So what changed? How are we OK now?

I'm sure it will take 10 more years to fully know the answer to this question. But if I could put my finger on "IT" ... I was done pretending. I was done lying. I was done being more attractive for someone else than I was for my husband. I was done letting my kids see a marriage that wasn't thriving, but just surviving.

I was done giving the best of myself to other people instead of my family.

So, my dear fellow moms. Do you struggle with being present in your family? Do you struggle with giving your best to others, instead of your family?

If I could pass along any words of wisdom from what I've learned from this full circle of selfish mom to seeking-tobe-present mom, here's what I'd share:

1. Stop looking around at others. Stop comparing.

UGH, let's just stop right there. This phrase is overused. But can we help it?

We talk about uninstalling apps and removing them from our phones. But if we just remove them, does it stop the original problem? Deep down, I truly believe the heart issue is being content with what you have. For me, it did involve looking at Facebook less or

spouse. It will become the elephant in the room that shouts out so silently that your sex life is quiet.

Did I really just type that out loud?

actually are (or aren't) having sex. It reminds you how often you have sex.

I have some friends who tease and play around with each other like they're half their age. It's adorable. Sometimes they will slide a comment under their breath to each other. Honestly, it causes me to evaluate how playful I am with my husband. Our sex life is only as active as we choose to make it!

Let me first state the obvious. Be present with your spouse. Be discrete. Be careful around children. Be careful around single friends. Having said that, talking out loud about your sex life means you

I understand you may disagree with me about this, but choosing to keep sex a taboo topic or unspoken conversation will only magnify and get worse in your day-to-day environment with your

4. Get a life coach,

setting my phone down. But ultimately, it meant looking MORE at my family than I looked at other people.

2. Have sex with your husband ...

And talk about it.

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The MOMS Magazine • Farewell 2016 • www.TheMomsMagazine.com

3. Don't lie.

Just don't. Don't keep secrets. Don't tell half-truths. It will catch up with you eventually.

counselor, therapist.

Going to a counselor was the best decision I DIDN'T want to do. Truth be told, I resisted

and kicked my feet like a little child at the idea of going to a counselor. SHE didn’t need to know the details of my life! HA! We are SO willing to talk up a storm about our problems or daily drama to anyone we meet, so why not a counselor?

I had NO idea how life-changing it would be to see a counselor. She taught me things about myself that I never knew were there.

She helped me see why I react the way I do.

Why I interpret a conversation negatively.

Why I prejudge. Why I shrink into a little girl when I don’t feel safe.

I don't believe it has to take a life-altering situation to go and see a counselor. I

truly believe if we can shift the stereotype of "going to see a counselor" from a bad thing to a good thing, our world will be a whole lot better. They truly are the superheroes of today.

5. Take two vacations

each year: a family vacation, and a vacation for just you and your honey.

It doesn't have to break the bank, but find a time twice a year to fully connect with your family and your spouse. You won't regret it.

6. And finally, take more pictures!

It has taken more than a decade to fully embrace my family. There will always be skeletons within my closet of the days when I chose to put them second, but today ... Today I am running full speed to join my family as they shout, "Red rover, Red rover, send Mommy right over!”

Today I will Seize the Day. I'm going to wake up and let Christ shine upon me. I will make the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. I'm only 33 for a moment, with only 100 years to live.

The MOMS Magazine • Farewell 2016 • www.TheMomsMagazine.com

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Back in December of 2010, when the first issue of the then-Babyourself Magazine went to print, I was a stay-athome mom of six children, ages 5, 6, 8, 9, 11, and 12. My youngest, not even in kindergarten, preferred to spend his days in various costumes. The older kids never knew who or what would accompany me to pick them up from school.

Would he be a lion, a pirate, a cowboy?

2.

Middle-school hormones can be managed with a mantra.

Nobody warned me that when our kids are in the midst of hormonal angst, we are at risk of being sucked into the vortex and acting just as immature. Certainly I’m not the only one who has actually argued with a child about whether rowing is worthy of being an Olympic sport or whether American Ninja Warrior is a realistic career aspiration. When I am in top mothering form, I remember the mantra that tethers me to the parent role and prevents me from reverting to bickering middle-schooler. You are upset and disrespectful.

Please go to your room. We will talk when you can be respectful. I can robotically repeat this mantra in my supercalm mom voice until the hurricane of hormones rolls on out to sea (or behind the closed door of a messy teen bedroom).

3.

Some battles are not worth it. Those Vans tennis shoes my youngest wore to school today? At least two full sizes too big.

An older brother quickly outgrew them, and Eager Beaver couldn’t wait to wear them. He absolutely cannot run on the playground without a shoe flying off. His teachers probably wonder what sort of mother lets her child roam the world in NBA-player-sized shoes that barely stay on his elementaryschool-sized feet. To that I answer – the kind who is tired and cannot possibly muster up any willpower to fight over shoes. The bedroom floor of my 14-year-old? I forget what color the carpet is underneath all the stuff. Last night I actually said these words to his man-bunned head, “Fine then. If you won’t clear a path, I can promise you nobody can save you if this house catches fire. It has been nice knowing you. Rest in peace.” We have come to this – path-clearing.

As if he lives on some frontier somewhere. Life is hard and busy these days. Clean rooms are a battle I have zero energy for. And for that matter, man-buns are also a battle I cannot fight. My generation survived the mullet; let him be humiliated in 15 years when his children open his yearbook and ask what in the world he was thinking with that thing on his head! Man-buns are not worth my emotional resources.

4.

We really cannot do it all, and we should stop trying. I have six children and two jobs (three, if you count the occasional writing jobs I do) and groceries to buy and meals to cook and bills to pay and an endless to-do list. I cannot possibly be a PTA officer in every school and go to every booster club meeting and volunteer at three schools and do all the things that everyone requests of me. There are not enough hours in my days. So I prioritize.

Life sure has changed since then! That little one is now an 11-year-old fifth-grader. This morning, after putting on his thermal T-shirt, khaki joggers, and Vans tennis shoes, he asked, “Mom, do I look sort of like I could be going to middle school?”

And as I nodded, I was thinking, “Slow down, kid. Time is moving fast enough without wishing away another year!”

For heaven’s sake, my oldest child is a freshman in college! She lives four hours away in a whole other state. What in the world!? I promise, it feels like a hot five minutes ago that she was eight and obsessed over Laura Ingalls Wilder.

One by one, my kids are growing taller than I am. My oldest son’s voice has grown deep. Four of my children have feet bigger than mine! In the next presidential election, four of them will be able to vote! I just can’t even wrap my head around this. Though the dinner table talk is still peppered with entirely too many bodily function references (because of FOUR boys!), we also have deep conversations about current events and social issues and God. As I reflect on the past six years and all the ways life is different now, it seems like a good time to think about all I’ve learned about parenting, about children, about myself, about life.

1.

16

Micromanaging is actually not my jam. This one came as a surprise to me because, for years, I thought I was born to micromanage! But the PowerSchool app brought about a sweet epiphany. Are you familiar with the PowerSchool?

Basically, this app delivers the manic stress of report-card day to every single day of the school year. I understand the benefit of this tool. And in a sane person’s hands, it probably works very well. It seems, however, I am not that person.

When my oldest was in her freshman year of high school, she was struggling in a required online economics class, and I was learning how to be the parent of a high-schooler. I had just reminded her again that every grade in high school counts toward a GPA. And she calmly replied, “It seems that PowerSchool stresses you out. Maybe you should stop checking it.” You know, she was right. That sort of micromanaging of my children’s grades does stress me out, and it is unnecessary. At the risk of sounding about 80 years old, we didn’t have the PowerSchool app back in my day, and we did just fine. (Now, get off my yard!) Now, I set expectations and let my kids take responsibility for the daily managing of their grades. Blissful ignorance looks good on me!

The MOMS Magazine • Farewell 2016 • www.TheMomsMagazine.com

Grow Up

2010

By Jennifer Hatcher

Photography courtesy Elizabeth Nixon

The MOMS Magazine • Farewell 2016 • www.TheMomsMagazine.com

17

I can work two concession stands a season. I can send in a bottle of dressing and a bag of croutons to the teachers’ luncheon. I will sit on the sidelines or in the bleachers or in the auditorium of as many games and meets and performances as possible. I will set alarms on my phone so I don’t forget to pick the children up from all the things.

(Don’t judge – that has only happened twice!) My job is not to impress other parents with fancy Pinterest-y Valentines or elaborate Martha Stewart-y potluck contributions.

My job isn’t to out-volunteer that mom whose life circumstances are completely different from mine. I prioritize what is important to my family and to me, and I define my lane by that. Then, I stay in my lane. And I do the best I can. Sometimes, good enough is good enough.

Big life changes can be hard. And we have had some huge life changes in the past six years. But life changes also bring opportunities for learning and growth. To be honest, I miss the adorable 5-year-old in the lion costume so much my heart squeezes at the thought. But I really love the fifth-grader he has become, too. Snuggling on the couch, listening to him

passionately talk about inventions that would be better for the environment, fills up my squeezed heart with such love and pride. Even if he is too eager to fit into grown-up shoes.

If we’re doing this parenting thing right, we’re gradually working ourselves out of a job. And though I love the idea that I have gradually worked myself out of being the only person managing Mt. St. Laundry, there is a tinge of bitter to the sweetness of growth. This is the reality of motherhood – our kids grow up. And with them, we do too.

– Jennifer lives in Virginia with five of her six children. In the mornings, she coordinates GED and ESL adult education programs. In the afternoons, she teaches English at a juvenile detention home. And in the evenings, she argues about the viability of a career as American Ninja Warrior with her teenage sons.

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3755 NW Hwy 17/92, Sanford, FL • I-4 Exit 104 407.323.4450 • www.centralfloridazoo.org The MOMS Magazine • Farewell 2016 • www.TheMomsMagazine.com

19

Real Grass vs. Artificial Turf Is the grass really greener on the other side?

About 8 years ago, I entered the imaginary world called the Internet. I could sit in my living room in my pajamas, with my 2 year old playing by my feet, sign into the online gaming world, and then whoosh, my real world disappeared.

It started out harmless. A game of Hearts or Backgammon, and then I discovered my favorite, Texas Hold'em. Hours would whiz by, and my daily chores were forgotten. My toddler was entertained in 30 minute increments of Dora the Explorer and The Backyardagains.

Occasionally I would dart into the kitchen to refill my coffee mug and grab some Cheerios and a sippy of milk for my forgiving little girl.

This became my new reality.

Months floated by and my harmless internet daytime hobby soon crept into the evening hours. I pretended that it wasn't that big of a deal. I convinced my husband that I was present in our family life, but in the back of my mind, I had already orchestrated the evening play-by-play. I would step away to make dinner, quickly do bedtime routines ... a rapid dip in the tub for our three children, a half-heartedeffort at a bedtime story, a song or two, then whoosh, back to the computer.

become a person that looks amazing online.

But eventually, the mud hit me in the face. I couldn't pretend anymore that this Astroturf lifestyle was my real life. However, two years of playing on artificial turf had taken its toll on my body. I didn't know how to play on a grass field anymore. I didn't know how to be real.

The next year I had a decision to make.

Would I walk off the field? Was it worth the effort to learn how to play on this grass field?

I could quit. People quit all the time.

I decided to give it a try. I decided to meet with a "coach" (aka counselor). I was cold. I was broken. But there was this tiny part inside me that knew I couldn't continue on in this lonely internet world anymore.

The next year was full of eye-opening revelations about me, and surprisingly not full of finger-pointing at how I'm a bad wife and mom. I learned how I tick.

I learned why I react the way I do to circumstances. I was beginning to understand the real me.

My husband – what husband??

I soon discovered you could search for online gamers by their user names, and through harmless chat, I got to know players and their "life story." We would exchange pleasantries, and day by day, this group of gamers became my "friends." FRIENDS. Soon these friendships took priority over my REAL relationships. You know ... the REAL people in my life. People like my husband – what husband??

The life that I took on became like artificial turf. It looked good, but it wasn't real. I didn't want my real life anymore. My real life was messy. My real life required daily maintenance that I really didn't like doing. I definitely didn't want to get muddy. I preferred the imaginary, easy-to-care-for artificial turf.

The people in my imaginary world were WAY more interesting than my real world. It's amazing the kind of life you can pretend you have when you don't have to be accountable to anyone. You can hide behind a keyboard.

You can fib about your age, fib about your weight, fib about your income. You know, 20

Now don't get me wrong. It was hard. I was faced with the fact that I had abandoned my real friends and family for my internet friends, and now, those real friends weren't there with open arms to accept me back.

I can't tell you how thankful I am that my husband was still there. He could have walked off the field a LONG time ago. But he didn't.

He had the patience to see that this thing called marriage is never perfect. We all have issues.

And he learned that he had some issues too.

Now we are entering the 2nd half. A second half on a real grass field. And we've learned a key play called Love and Respect. It's one of the vital strategies to our winning game.

In closing, I could try to convince you that I've got it together. That I'm now the perfect role model and my problems are a thing of the past. I could tell you that I'm a perfect wife with a perfect life. Not even. Greener grass will always be tempting. We live in a real world with real people. Social media will have us pretend that our lives are picture-perfect.

But then we realize that we don't have to be perfect.

The MOMS Magazine • Farewell 2016 • www.TheMomsMagazine.com

We just need to be real.

By Kristi Corley

Photography by Sari Underwood Photography

Love Her Respect Him

When my husband and I realized that an artificial-turf marriage wouldn't last, we learned a key strategy: Love and Respect.

It's a simple concept, yet people tilt their head in confusion when they see my tattoo and learn that the phrase, "Respect Him" is intended for my husband. My 20-second answer is simple. "This concept was integral part of saving our marriage. Quite simply, we needed to understand how to communicate with each other. Once we discovered that love most motivates a woman, and respect most powerfully motivates a man, a light bulb turned on relationally.”

Love notes and cards most commonly say the words "I love you," and we are all supposed to get it. But imagine if you were to send a note or text to your man that says, "I respect you." I did this out of curiosity.

It felt awkward. But then, he replied, "How so?" As I went on to explain how much I appreciated his hard work to provide for our family, and how he takes care of the basic needs around the house (much of which requires heavy lifting and his strength), he began to puff up with pride and satisfaction.

We first learned of this concept from the author Emerson Eggrich. He shares, "We asked 7,000 people this question: when you are in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected? 83% of the men said ‘disrespected.’ 72% of the women said, ‘unloved.’ Though we all need love and respect equally, the felt need differs during conflict, and this difference is as different as pink is from blue!"

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