"Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold"

This song rattles around in my head often. Our girl scout troop regularly sings it as a reminder of the value of friendship. The context seems so simple: make new friends, but don’t forget the ones that have seen us through thick and thin. It is a sweet reminder of the importance of building new relationships while also sustaining the old. As simple as this sentiment seems, it can be difficult to put into practice. Building and maintaining healthy relationships is more than just making new friends and keeping the old, it takes time, effort, empathy, courage and compassion.

On the surface, maintaining healthy relationships may seem all about reaching out to others. Just as the song says, get out there and make new friends! Do something with the friends you already have! But this is surface level thinking, and I believe the business of healthy relationships is deeper. It starts from within. Of course, we want to maintain and build our friendships, but one relationship that is even more important, but one that is often neglected, is our relationship with ourselves. Thus, this year, let’s all take a moment to examine and help build a healthy relationship with ourselves.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup” is another phrase that I say often. You see, if we are not taking care of ourselves; if we have given to everyone and everything else, we will simply not have the energy to invest in other, healthy and meaningful relationships, be it with old friends or new. The trick, then, is to first take care of yourself - the crown jewel - and then work on growing and maintaining those silver and gold relationships. Building a healthy relationship with yourself is also no easy feat in society today. As Tay-Tay says, “the haters gonna hate, hate, hate,” and our world is filled with keyboard warriors and naysayers that aim to beat us down and teach us to hold ourselves in contempt. So, what do we do to work on ourselves? How do we learn to love ourselves and give ourselves grace and compassion? To be sure, this is a journey and not a sprint, and it will take some trial and error, and a whole lotta patience, but a good place to start is by working to accept yourself as you are, having compassion for yourself, and by finding a way to refuel. First, it is imperative to work to accept ourselves as we are, and not just how we wish we were, or as how others want us to be. We must work to be unapologetically us. We must recognize and accept that we will have bad days, we will have

moments of weakness and self-doubt, we will have moments where we falter. And those moments are ok. By acknowledging that we are not perfect, we give ourselves room to push through the hard times and to keep trying. Afterall, Mary Anne Radmacher said it best that, “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day whispering, ‘I will try again tomorrow’.” Accepting our imperfections opens the doors to personal growth.

Another part of self-acceptance is giving ourselves a huge helping of grace and compassion. As humans we are quick to forgive and make excuses for everyone else, but not ourselves. Let us remember that we deserve to be kindest to ourselves. Being kind to ourselves starts with positive self-talk. So often we speak most negatively about ourselves in our own heads. Here again, we need work on flipping the script and filling our own head with positivity and support. It will take practice, as are wired to revert to the negative. However, we can work to turn any negative into a positive and adapt a growth mindset. For example, turn the “I am terrible” statements into “I’m learning and growing”. Turn the “I can’t” statements into “I’m willing to try” statements. Turn “I hate this” into “I’m working to find what I like”. Be gentle with yourself. Speak kindly, give yourself compassion and grace, even, and especially, on your worst days. Finding a way to refuel yourself is the next imperative ingredient to maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself. It is even more difficult to set expectations, be compassionate and operate daily if there is no fuel source. Give yourself the time to invest in what you love. Make time for your passion, be

it reading books, creating art, making music, or playing a sport. Be selfish with your time and get something in everyday that makes you feel good. Even if it’s a nap! When we do what we love, it becomes much easier to set expectations, find compassion for yourself, and it is energizing and fulfilling. Prioritizing what you love will also help build other relationships and will help pave the way to contentment.

Of course, there are many other ways to help grow your relationship with yourself, but self-acceptance, self-compassion, and finding a way to fuel yourself in meaningful ways is a great start to personal growth. Again, when we take care of the crown jewel, we can then work on those silver and gold relationships, and in the end, it helps everyone shine bright from within.

Safe Harbor Coronado provides comprehensive mental health services to youth and families in Coronado. Through a range of programs and counseling services, Safe Harbor Coronado empowers individuals to build resilience and emotional well-being while fostering a stigma-free environment for helpseeking behaviors. Safe Harbor’s programs are available to all members of the Coronado community, regardless of financial means.

For more information about Safe Harbor Coronado, their programs and services, visit www.safeharborcoronado.org.