T T h heeJ J o o k k e e s s p paagge e

Two old ladies were in a museum looking at the statues. One of then stopped and stared at the life-size statue of a very handsome, naked, young man; She couldn’t take her eyes off the strategically placed fig leaf. Her friend got tired of waiting for her and said, “come on Flo, what are you waiting for? Christmas?”

“No,” said the old lady, “autumn.”

Two dads, Rob and John, were talking about their teenage daughters and the challenges of communicating with them.

Rob: She hardly talks to me. I hardly see her at home. She just stays in her room all day and all night. She comes out just to eat t hen goes back in. She locks her door, and I don’t really want to disturb her. I don’t know what to do. How often do you talk to your daughter?

John: We talk about ten times a day.

Rob: Wow! How do you get her to come out of her room?

John: Easy, I turn off the WiFi.

First date tip: If you go to the toilet, take long enough to make it look like you’ve washed your hands, but not long enough for a number TWO!

Warming Up... James and Milly were snogging in a nightclub toilet cubicle when things started to get a bit friskier. Milly said, “ STOP! I won’t have sex with you unless we’re in engaged.”

“Okay,” said James, reaching out and locking the door. “ Happy now?”

It was hard getting over my addition to the Hokey-Cokey. But I’ve turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

Doctor! Doctor!

A man goes into a doctor's surgery.

Doctor: "Good morning, what can I do for you?"

Patient: "Aaaargh!"

Doctor: "I see, that sounds very painful."

Patient (in considerable pain): "Eeeeeee!"

Doctor: "Have you taken anything for it?"

Patient (getting impatient): "Aye!"

Doctor: "Well I really don't see what I can do"

Patient (now exasperated): "Oooooh!"

Doctor: "If you can't describe any other symptoms, I may not be able to help"

Patient (reaching the end of his tether): "YOOUU!"

Doctor: "Well, I think the problem is irritable vowel syndrome"

For the past 20 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.....

First my granny dies and now this.

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