By Light & By Darkness
Digital drawing on Procreate Cover
Andrew Nolan
Rage, 2024
Land Acknowledgement
WSU is located on the homelands of the Niimíipuu and the traditional homeland of the Pelúuc Band of Indigenous People. We acknowledge their presence here since time immemorial and recognize their continuing connection to the land, to the water, and to their ancestors.
Acknowledgements
By Light & By Darkness: Cougs for Recovery Art Catalogue
This art catalogue was organized by WSU Cougs for Recovery (CfR), which provides support services to students in recovery, contemplating recovery, and allies in order to enhance academic success and wellbeing. CfR is within the division of Student Affairs and the Cougar Health Services (CHS) department. Many thanks to Sunday Henry (MD, Director of Medical Services & Interim Executive Director of CHS) and the CHS staff for supporting the CfR community.
The WSU Cougs for Recovery community is funded by the State of Washington Health Care Authority (HCA) (Contract # K6375-0-2-2). We appreciate the support and resources the HCA provides to the WSU Collegiate Recovery Support Initiative team, with special thanks to Chloe Wilkins, HCA contract manager.
This exhibition and catalogue would not be possible without the kind assistance of multiple WSU departments, staff, and faculty. A special thank you for granting access to art studio space, access to Open Mic Night, assistance in publishing the exhibition catalogue, helping with the catalogue release, mentoring students in recovery, and more:
• David Janssen & Squeak Meisel, Department of Art
• Jacob Riddle, Digital Technology and Culture Department
• Lauren Westerfield, Linda Russo, Grant Maierhofer, Colin Criss, & Bryan Fry, English Department
• Student Affairs Marketing and Communication
Applause is also extended to the CfR Peer Recovery Coach student-staff team for all of their care and skilled work that brought you the 3rd annual art catalogue release!
Letter from the Curator
The ByLight & byDarkness art show has been something that I’ve known I would work on well in advance for about a year. Yet when it came time to actually work on it, I was surprised at how nervous I ended up being. While this has become something very personal to me. I really didn’t think I was cut out for the job until I really had my chance to put my hands on the project.
Watching the art work come in and slowly becoming aquainted with every piece was my greatest joy. The arrangement of our book drafts went through phases, arranged lighter to darker, then understandable to intangible. Of course we shifted to finding balance instead. Art, as most people often find in recovery, is not so simple as going through the motions and the steps prescribed to you.
- Lillian Adkins
Letter from the Editor
It’s been an honor to work on the catalogue for the 2nd edition and now the 3rd installment of By Light & By Darkness. Throughout my time at WSU, Cougs for Recovery has provided spaces that welcome me with open arms, allowing me to learn skills like harm reduction and recovery pathways that I appreciate tremendously. Art and poetry, editing and designing, has been a big part of my personal growth; a way for me to express myself and show the light and the dark times.
I am so thankful for the chance to explore these ideas in the catalogue, and for the artists and writers sharing their hearts with us.
- Emma Austin
Contributors
Lillian Adkins
My artist statement is: For the first few years of creating art, I didn’t use color. I used black pens, white paper, and pencils. I thought it was fine the way it was, that both my ‘art style’ and my thoughts were fine.
I was unequivocally not fine. Odd that my journey as a better artist and person started nearly the same day I started using color. My work can still be painful and dark; but my world is brighter with colors more varied.
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with Bipolar, and it has been a whirlwind of learning to cope with the up’s and downs. My brain is not always a fun place to be, but that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Writing and creating art is where I find my escape, where I learn more about myself and who I am in the world. I hope my work gives a voice to those who don’t always feel comfortable sharing the inner landscape of their minds.
“The Calling” is a render of a gentleman who faced drug/alcohol addiction. During their journey through attempting to find sobriety, they were able to build a relationship with faith; the faith with higher power and the faith that their children place with them to be present.
The metaphorical road is covered in fire, where one must navigate the moments of turmoil that occurs. It is through faith and the power of loved ones that people can retain sobriety.
Emma Austin
Mark De Gruchy
My identity comes through the form of wanting to creatively express myself and starting this project helped to distract me from harmful coping mechanisms. It was a fun way to keep my hands busy and I am so proud of the beautiful kids I have created.
My work for this theme is largely inspired by my fiancé who has been a huge part of my recovery and continued healing through mental health issues. He has been a literal light in my life with the sympathy and support that is needed to deal the struggles of recovery. I want to share how hopeful life can be with support and dedicate these pieces to him.
I have been in recovery since 2011. I create pieces to express my darkest thoughts. I prefer to work in mixed mediums (acrylic, digital, collage). During September 2024 I was struggling to stay sober, I set out to capture feelings weighing on me. These three works are my representation of Rage, Anxiety, and Contentment. The connection between creativity and recovery is integral to my journey.
“Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.”
-Salvador Dali
Tori Garcia
Sienna Guadagnoli
Andrew Nolan
Jacob Riddle
Jacob Riddle is an interdisciplinary artist, curator and educator with a passion for foraging connections between technology and the natural world. Drawing inspiration from his background in construction and labor industries, as well as his upbringing wading through the limestone creeks of the Appalachian foothills, Jacob works to bridge the gap between these seemingly disparate realms. His work serves as a testament to the power of resilience, resourcefulness, and the harmonious coexistence of the digital and the natural world.
My poem, “Recovery,” expresses my feelings about an individual in my life who struggles with substance abuse and honors my brother, who passed away. It serves as a tribute to those facing mental health and substance challenges, often feeling forgotten. Despite the pain, “Recovery” conveys hope, emphasizing that this chapter is not the end and that freedom and serenity are possible.
Collin Scott is a senior in the BFA program at WSU Pullman, graduating in the spring of 2025. Pulling inspiration from everyday interactions, pop culture and street art to create his art. Collin creates artwork that is very colorful, lighthearted, and a lot of the work has underlying messages that the viewer can interpret or read in to by looking at the piece longer.
Jada Rome
Collin Scott
I don’t have a fancy artist statement or any theories about hidden symbolism or meanings in my work. My goals are quite simple. I am seeking joy and peace via the act of creating something. If I have anything important to say, it is this: when you feel down, be a creator rather than a consumer and you’ll always be better for it.
I am so excited to see these pieces published and I hope that they resonate with you and reassure you that you are not alone in this. I have found writing and reading poetry to be therapeutic for me and I never intended on sharing these works with the world, but I have been encouraged to by those around me and I am so glad I did. Please take care.
The unseen informs my work through deep listening to the memories of materials and beneath the veil of the senses. Images are shared through movement, patterns, and symbols through the elements. Remembrance and storytelling initiate the audience as they join the practice of cocreating collective healing and crafting meaning in the place we tend. My practices of ancestral healing, meditation, and gardening form a pathway toward mending neglected means of connection with self and the universe.
Shanda Stinebaugh
Olivia Tejeda
Austin Wetzel
Emma Austin Orbit, 2023
Acrylic paint and sumi ink
10” x 15”
Moss Agate
By Sienna Guadagnoli
On the beach soft sand cooled By the breeze despite the sun Bearing down from above all day.
We bring a blanket to curb The invasion though we know It won’t keep anything at bay.
The gulls and the crows squawk Like they’re having a turf war But they all get the bread. Waves urge to bring a sense Of dread but I deny their want Finding peace in the crashes.
Sunset angles itself right Between the rocks picture-perfect So we pose.
You point out a kite threatening To take out everyone below An unknown distraction.
A shiny rock glistening in the Fading rays a truly cinematic Scene to end the evening.
Black plated silver, leaf decals Wrapped around my finger Like a jungle vine
Tiny purple stones mixed Around the band epitomizing The peace brought upon me.
I become a tornado anytime It escapes my view for this Symbol is my meaning to life.
Budding
By Emma Austin
Been in the dark dark been in the tree by the bark in the leaves, laying down waiting for the molt festering in the soil matter on my tongue in the lungs. here the flowers grow our ears and fingers my lips are sprouting if you look close enough you’ll find the swelling the water, the nutrients from my earlier beings. blessing to disguise myself so here we arrive to the end of longing, or something like that maybe we call it growth like the season changes us to decay, to falling, to the newer bloom. Pulling at our roots.
Collin Scott PICK Me Up, 2024 Digital drawing
Meet My Monster
By Olivia Tejeda
Avoid eye contact
Plug in my headphones
Quick pull out my phone to answer a text
Please please random stranger, don’t talk to me
Your friendly hello
A terrifyingly overwhelming interaction for me
My mind will ruminate this simple interaction
For the next 20 mins
Did they think my voice is weird?
Did I smile right?
Perhaps judged me to be rude?
Why would they even try to talk to me?
I’m just another person here
Minding my own business
Ordering a coffee at a coffee shop
Such an overwhelming experience
Rehearsing my usual order over and over again
“Iced caramel latte 20 oz please”
Oh no I forgot to say iced
Looks like I’ll have a hot one today
Ah let me tip extra for having to deal with me
Finally order ready
Quick say thanks and leave
As fast as you can
Continued on page 18
Scott
Run Running Ran, 2024 Digital drawing
Collin
Lillian Adkins
Why’d you ask, 2024
Cut paper
18” x 12”
Meet My Monster
Solitude is comforting
The music in my ears a relief
The safety and serenity of my home
The familiarity of my most trusted friends
I know I shouldn’t listen
To what my twisted
Anxious Mind Has to say
But I have lived with it so long
My twisted anxious mind is
Well, a part of me
I ache for a divorce
To send my anxiety packing
Freeing me from her abusive grip
Leaving me calm as a placid lake
On the perfect sunny day
Anxiety, 2024
Digital drawing on Procreate
Andrew Nolan
At night, we see like prey
By Jacob Riddle
I had been alone at the Castle Butte Lookout in the Nez Perce-Clearwater National Forests for almost three weeks. I spent my downtime reading science fiction preparing a new class for the fall. I revisited two related readings: The Dark Forest Anthology of the Internet and the sci-fi book it was named after, The Dark Forest by Cixin Liu. Both works describe “dark forests” as silent places full of predators—one being the cosmos, and the other, our modern-day internet. On my last night at the lookout, I ventured into an actual dark forest with no light on a moonless night, thinking about predators, prey, and the mechanisms behind how we see.
In the animal kingdom, predators and prey perceive the world differently; these adaptations aid in their survival. Predators have front-facing eyes, providing central focused vision, with better detail and depth perception. Prey animals, on the other hand, tend to have side-facing eyes adapted for wider peripheral vision and quick detection of motion.
Human vision relies on a combination of two types of specialized light-sensing cells: rods and cones. Our cones are concentrated around our central focal point and are used for seeing in daylight. Our rods, more numerous and spread through the periphery of our eyes, give us night vision and are highly sensitive to motion and low light. During the day,
Continued on page 22
Birds of Prey, 2023
Gouache and ink on paper
Shanda Stinebaugh
22’’ x 15’’
At night, we see like prey
Continued
we see like predators—sharp, detailed, and centrally focused. At night, we see like prey—wide and fast, detecting subtle motion in our peripheral vision but losing almost all detail in the center of our visual field. I have been fascinated by the way we see at night since childhood.
I was looking away from my feet to see the ground I stood on.
That evening, I had been on the phone with an old friend. When I mentioned my plan to hike in the dark, he asked if I was scared of the forest at night. I quickly answered from my gut and said no. Later, I realized I lied. I was scared; I did feel fear, but I did not hate it. The fear felt profoundly natural. I was in tune with this prey-like vision, allowing myself to see the world around me, not just the thing in front of me.
A lantern, not a laser.
A few days later, I reflected on my childhood experiences of sneaking out at night to walk through woods, fields, and creeks, lit only by the moon. Wasn’t I scared? Why was I drawn to it? I was always scared because I was prey— constantly looking for ways to escape the violence in my home. I felt comfortable in those dark forests because they
Continued on page 25
Andrew Nolan
Contentment, 2024
Digital drawing on Procreate
Inner Chaos, 2023
Gouache and ink on paper
15” x 22”
Shanda Stinebaugh
At night, we see like prey
Continued
matched the way I felt; my vision aligned with my fear.
In all of our dark forests, we need to stop pretending to be predators, staring straight ahead. We are also prey. Let the fear in; allow our vision to unfocus and see the world around us. Online, we should ignore the tempting distractions dangled in front of us. Instead, we should use the connections the internet allows us to form and the information it lets us share, spreading our networks and our awareness.
Stay quiet in the dark forests, not quite like the stalking predator, quiet like the careful prey the predator misses in their peripheral.
The Printer and My Thoughts
By Emma Austin
Sometimes when the printer runs out of ink and it’s dry on my fingers like smoke from a fire I coax it in my palm, feel the ember of a darkness brewing like the thoughts that come into my mind.
I kiss the frail hardware of it’s side watching the ink bleed gray. It’s double vision and it’s uncentered sometimes I think I will melt, watch it spit out the hurt a melted candle of my worst regrets a waxy and sticky compromise.
Sour as a symphony of songs plated on cold plastic and the beeping.
Readddd readddd readddd which line will break you. I’m sorting the sheets. papers that were born of the shredder it’s speaks tongues, it tells me “what have you done?” as can be expected from the critic of a brain.
it’s out to play, dancing with the fear you hold it up to the light ask it not to hurt the ones you love most til it’s displayed the soundtrack of your suffering and lost taste. I want the words it tells you and its haunted that old cartridge wrung through a wet dishcloth to the machine.
Wring it out like hot lead and I want it to break. I will it to break caressing it’s dulling sides and buy it the best new brands of ink wish that one day it will print less. Maybe something that is harmless, only words left to a page.
Austin Wetzel
Flutter, 2022
Water color, pen, and ink
9” x 12”
Fluoxetine
By Olivia Tejeda
Better known as Prozac
Does it help? Or is it only making everything worse? I take it every morning without fail
I suppose I still have some hope And desperately want change
Nausea; Loss of energy; Decreased appetite.
Anxiety; Dizziness; Severe changes in mental state or mood.
Drowsiness; easily bruising; thoughts of suicide.
The doctors tell me
It’s supposed to help me To just give it time
Your brain is changing Go through the pain
You’ll be stronger on the other side
I have a hard time believing them I feel worse
I question if all this is worth it Why does this little green pill? Change so much
Broken Yet Healing
By Olivia Tejeda
Hole in my chest
Ache in my bones
Emptiness deep in my soul
Mind empty of dreams
Heart empty of love
Eyes that lack luster
Face that can’t hold a smile
Left to feel lost and alone
You broke me
In ways I didn’t know
I could break
But guess what
Though you broke me
Made me feel
Like I was going to die
I found new ways to heal
To bandage and mend
All the bruises and wounds
You pounded into me
And now I am stronger
Because of you
And I will never
Allow you or anyone else
Cause me pain
Like you have
Life, 2023
Water color on paper
12’’ x 8’’
Sienna Guadagnoli Light of my
Fuck Off Depression
By Olivia Tejeda
Even with the ever lingering Presence of depression
I can still have good days
Where I can smile and feel calm
Embrace the love and joy I have in my life
Even while bearing the weight of depression
Today however I can shout on the top of my lungs
And continue to savor what is Good in this life And that is better than death
Savoring what is good in this life Is equivalent to giving The middle finger to depression That urges darkness so perversely
Ballpoint pen on index card 3” x 5”
Lillian Adkins
Void, 2019
Revisting Fluoxetine
By Olivia Tejeda
I have been on these meds
For a while now
I am beginning to notice some changes
Rather good changes
I am not feeling as many side effects
Getting out of bed in the morning
Not quite the chore it once was I feel calmer
I can smile and know, That it is not one I had to fake
Though I may be depending On a pharmacist and doctors
For my little
I guess we will call them
Happy pills
I am stable for now
And I hope one day soon I can be stable Without need for help From little green pills
Austin Wetzel Flutter 2, 2024
Watercolor, pen, and ink 9” x 12”
Recovery
By Jada Rome
Remember when life seemed simple, just you and I. In our parents’ house, we played, laughed at our parents’ home, and took each moment for what it was.
Each moment, you know, feels burdensome. I missed when life was simple when we laughed instead of crying in your presence.
Cure and Correct. I apologize. You could be “corrected” and our lives would be simple. I thought you chose this willingly, like drinking water when parched. That you were picking up the glass of water and letting it soothe your body. However, I neglected to realize the sun was beating down on you. I was angry with your name. I wanted you to feel the pain we did, I did, but I didn’t understand that you already were.
Over. You believe your journey is over, but you are young and present. You have children to love, stars to count, words you have not imagined exist, and new colors that can be invented.
Very tired. I know you’re exhausted from the burden of the world and sick from withdrawals, but how you’re feeling will pass. I know you are tired, my sweet brother, but this will soon pass.
Continued on page 39
Mark De Gruchy
The Calling, 2024
Digital drawing made in Photoshop
Recovery
Erased. “It” cannot erase your struggles, but “it” can erase you. I know this is tough, love; I’m sorry. No. This isn’t tough love; this is simply love. I want to see you thrive, grow, and live. I want to see you experience birthdays, the last season of your favorite show, and snow falling on the ground. I am hard on you because your presence is needed. You are needed. You might not believe so, but the world will not spin the same without it. The world will pour rain for infinity, yearning for you to be present. No, the universe will feel the agony of your loss. Eons away, there will be clashing planets colliding with each other because they cannot comprehend a universe where you do not exist anymore. Even a minuscule bug, one that is almost transparent, will not eat anymore because it can only taste sorrow.
Remember how life was before?
Without you, there would be fewer stars to count. Words will fade, and colors will be lackluster. Without you, I am incomplete; my world shatters; I need you, brother.
You can do it. This is not your last chapter. I can’t understand how you feel, but I can tell that you will overcome it. You’re my big brother, and you are special to me. Showing me your music, favorite snacks, and Magic Cards. I would sit there watching you eagerly because I admire you. I love you more than you could imagine. I love you more than each star in the galaxy, more than every word in each language, even the ones that are complex and abstract, and my love for you extends further than any rainbow from every color, imagined, created, and new.
I love you and I always will. Continued
Tori Garcia Sock Monkeys, 2024
Sock and thread
15” x 4” x 2”
Lillian Adkins
Spiral, 2018
Felt tip pens on paper
9’’ x 12’’
Sobriety
By Olivia Tejeda
Cravings, Cravings, Cravings
Sometimes are all that enters my mind Is how bad I want it
But the craving isn’t always there
Not anymore
Sometimes…
I almost completely forget How much I counted on it
Simply to breath Then I remember
Exclusively, when I feel defeated Or a memory resurfaces And I so badly want To satisfy its beckoning call
Then
I dig deep
Remember why I quit And how miserable I used to be
When I was enslaved To my addiction
Austin Wetzel
Negative Feedback Loop, 2023
Ilford Hp5, Photoshop, Watercolor, ZBrush, Illustrator
To crack
By Emma Austin
Time passes like an old dream undefined, without acknowledgment the trees change color, the plants take root, we flourish under the light the sun is so bright. We can make it after all— better since we came, feeling all that hurt turn into something great I weather the storm so it may pass. And find to root is to crack.
Emma Austin
Listening, 2023
Marker, acrylic paint, and sumi ink
20” x 15”
Recovery Resources
WSU Counseling and Psychological Services
WSU Student Care Network
WSU Cougar Health Services
Harm Reduction Approach:
Narcotics Anonymous: Alcoholics Anonymous:
Refuge Recovery: White Bison: Celebrate Recovery:
SMART Recovery:
Faces & Voices of Recovery:
CCAR: ThePhoenix:
nida.nih.gov Group; na.org Group; aa.org Group; refugerecovery.org Group; whitebison.org Group; celebraterecovery.com Group; smartrecovery.org facesandvoicesofrecovery.org Education; ccar.us Fitness Classes & Activities; thephoenix.org
Cougs for Recovery
• Fosters connections through similar experiences with fellow students.
• Promotes awareness to stop or reduce substance use or other harmful behaviors.
• Provides supports & resources for self-empowered wellness.
• Scholarships, peer-to-peer coaching opportunities, fun social events, Mental Well Meetings and more!
Follow us on Facebook and Instagram: @cougsforrecovery For more information email: cougs.forrecovery@wsu.edu
Lillian Adkins
Emma Austin
Mark De Gruchy
Tori Garcia
Sienna Guadagnoli
Andrew Nolan
Jacob Riddle
Jada Rome
Collin Scott
Shanda Stinebaugh
Olivia Tejeda
Austin Wetzel