By Light & By Darkness Volume 2 by cougsforrecovery

By Light & By DarknesS

Cougs for Recovery Art Exhibition

Vol. 2

Cover Community Canvas Mixed media on canvas Cougs for Recovery Community 2023

Contents 4 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33

Contributors It Hadn’t Started as a Plan to Run Away, Shanda Stinebaugh Self Portrait as Witnessed by Beasts and Butterflies, Shanda Stinebaugh The Fan, Emma Austin Black, White and Grey Matters, Sonara Sounds From One Thing Comes Another, Shanda Stinebaugh A Jump, Jaiden McClellan Grief, Ema Skinner A Window, Emma Austin Rise or Stay Buried, Sonara Sounds Buried Trauma, Emma Austin Poem for Katie, Jaiden McClellan Present Pull, Sonara Sounds Extension of Self, Emma Austin Scraps of Things, Ema Skinner Dust Settles Slowly, Sonara Sounds Poem 1, Emma Austin Carving Out Space, Shanda Stinebaugh Maladaptive Daydreamer, Emma Austin Tree Poem, Emma Austin Quest, Austin Wetzel Tree Poem continued, Emma Austin Transitions, Shanda Stinebaugh Untitled, Austin Wetzel Where? Alex Michael Untitled, El Nazarov Recovery Resources 1

Let ter from the Curator Cougs for Recovery has been essential to my health and well-being since I began my academic career at WSU. Art and Pizza Night provided me with social solace and community connection at a time in my life when I was especially vulnerable. By Light & By Darkness is dear to me as I had the privilege of editing our first annual catalog and witnessed local, national, and international destigmatization of substance use disorders as a result. Our second yearly show highlights the resilience of community action towards our collective healing. Working with the Cougar Health Services Department and the Office of the Dean of Students has allowed me to engage with the student population through connecting over food, conversation, and meaningful art. This privilege to work as a Peer Recovery Coach has contributed to my shift from an individual to a witness of our collective healing. We are getting better every day in a multidimensional way. -Austin Wetzel

Let ter from the Editor Cougs for Recovery has connected me to a community of compassionate students who are healing themselves and showing up for one another. It has given my life purpose and the space to take realistic steps towards my goals. I am thankful for Patricia Maarhuis, El Nazarov, and Austin Wetzel, for sharing their lives with me and helping me in mine. Editing the catalog has been an honor and also the most enjoyable project I have ever worked on. Engaging with the student work and watching the evolution of narrative and design throughout the process has been beautiful. I carry it with me everywhere I go, the impact on my life has been profound. Many thanks to the writers, artists and readers. -Emma Austin

Acknowle dgments

B y Li g ht & B y D a rk n e ss : C o u g s fo r Re c ove r y A r t E x h i b i ti o n This art exhibition was organized by WSU Cougs for Recovery (CfR), which provides support services to students in recovery, contemplating recovery, and allies in order to enhance academic success and wellbeing. CfR is within the division of Student Affairs and the Cougs Health Services (CHS) department. Many thanks to Ellen Taylor, Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs and Joel Schwartzkopf, the Assistant Vice Chancellor of Student Health & Wellbeing for supporting the CfR community. The WSU CfR community is funded by the State of Washington Health Care Authority (HCA) (Contract # K6375-0-2). We appreciate the support and resources the HCA provides to the WSU Collegiate Recovery Support Initiative team, with special thanks to Liz Venuto and Rachel Baxter, HCA Contract managers. This exhibition and catalog would not be possible without the kind assistance of multiple WSU departments, staff, and faculty. A special thank you for granting access to art studio space, publishing the exhibition catalog, helping with the art exhibition opening, and more: - David Janssen, Squeak Meisel, Department of Art - Lauren Westerfield, English Department, Editing & Publishing Program - Digital Technology and Culture program - Compton Union Building and Student Entertainment Board - Student Affairs Marketing and Communication And, applause for the CfR Peer Recovery Coach student-staff team for all of their skilled work in bringing about the 2nd annual art exhibition!

Land Acknowle dgment WSU is located on the homelands of the Niimíipuu and the traditional homeland of the Pelúuc Band of Indigenous People. We acknowledge their presence here since time immemorial and recognize their continuing connection to the land, to the water, and to their ancestors.

Contributors Emma Austin I love writing and crafting an interesting story out of the experiences that happened to me without my control. Writing gives me the chance to collect those memories and decide for myself how I will move forward. I wrote The Fan, Buried Trauma, Tree Poem as reactions to my childhood and the things that have shaped my life. They were painful but they gave me resilience to keep working, writing and making a better life for myself.

Jaiden McClellan "Poem for Katie": Many times I have written this poem; many times I hope to feel the excitement of movement and action, of acknowledgment and reaction— "being making." I'm doomed to write it many, many times again. "A Jump": Here, I make the attempt to express three entangled perspectives.

Alex Michael My collage work for this project is centered around the theme of perseverance. As someone who struggles with uncertainty, I often find myself lost in worry and doubt. This work is a call to press on despite these anxieties. The practice of collage helps me to focus on something creative and meaningful even when I feel stuck in rumination. I hope my art encourages others to keep moving forward and inspires them to find their own creative outlets for self-expression.

Ema Skinner I think that everyone is fighting their own battles, and the more we can treat each other with grace and kindness the better we can make this world. I love poetry because it’s like the reader is being spoken to directly, maybe by the author, maybe by the universe, maybe by themselves. It’s an intimate song and dance about what it means to be human and to experience and to Become. I’m an ally because everyone deserves support.

Sonara Sounds Sonara Sounds places lines with a new set of rules for each piece’s orderly progression as a measurable way to record healing, time, and action. Her works explore layering, markings of time, progression, and physical perseverance. The artist uses both arms equally, alternating one line to the next, with the goal of building strength evenly on both sides of the body, leading the artist to heal through balance and repetitive, meditative art-making.

Shanda Stinebaugh Recovery from any addiction is only possible when we create a life for ourselves that we don’t have to escape from. For me, having an outlet for self-expression has been an integral part of that journey and that is where art comes in. By putting my grief, my daily stress, my sadness (and also my joys and triumphs!) into a physical object to share with others, I feel connected and understood. Art is a bridge out of the isolation of my disease.

El Nazarov There is no pre-meditated metaphor in this work. It is a result of putting my body in motion towards wanting to see how something looks. This practice is a meditation in perception and began as a coping mechanism for depression. The piece is unplanned, unfolding, like a path which is made by stepping upon it. I find myself present in the process of layering and folding the various colors of translucent fabric over itself, witnessing volume in its otherwise subtle textures. I am deliberately playing in color and shadow; the final result indicates the process of its coming to be. All of this is playing with light.

Austin Wetzel These two works, Untitled and Quest, represent what led me to seek recovery and where I find myself, currently. Untitled depicts the unfulfilled shared dream from my past long-term relationship riddled with co-dependency. Quest shows my journey moving forward with community support and following the source of light in my heart.

It Hadn’t Started as a Plan to Run Away Digital drawing made in Procreate Shanda Stinebaugh 2023

Self-Por trait as Witnesse d by Be asts and But ter flies By Shanda Stinebaugh

Moss had started to grow across her ankles from sitting there for so long. It hadn’t started as a plan to run away, mostly she had just wanted some fresh air. But the quiet. Oh God, the quiet. She had seen the migration of great birds, the hibernation of mighty beasts, the death of the old Porcupine who had lived in the hollow log. He had seemed fine the day before he died, but one night he nestled into his bed of cedar and never came out. She imagined his bones within the stump, hollow like a sunken ship, now that spring had arrived with it’s scavenging insects. In the beginning, she had slept most of the days away leaning up against her protective tree just counting leaves. Eventually the thoughts in her head got as loud as life in the city had been before she came here and she couldn’t ignore them anymore. It was summer now and the butterflies listened to her troubles every day, flew away with them every night. Eventually she had nothing left to tell them and they stopped coming. She picked the moss away from her legs, pulled twigs out of her gnarled hair, and slowly stood up before the seasons had a chance to change again. 9

The Fan

By Emma Austin I dreamt last night ultimatums stretched pinkies making me choose it again. awoke to the pounding of one heart. No one is forcing Heartburning, arms at sides war in a body it’s real. The fan whirling, reminds me of you. Rollie pollies like to do cartwheels when you reach for them. tell my self Self I am okay okay door is is locked now now visualize when when it clicked. I miss her it’s in my bones, luckily I have a brain. Time

heal

I feel I feel 10

Black, White and Grey Matters 15.5” x 15.5” Oil-paint pen on exterior house paint, found Dibond panel Sonara Sounds 2023 11

From One Thing Comes Another Digital drawing made in Procreate Shanda Stinebaugh 2023

A Jump

By Jaiden McClellan I. After the River collapsed outside of me, I meandered a while below, in Its belly grove Because my body was already sunk, My head was dancing with the determined current, or Because I appreciated its swelling effort To slow the momentum, or comfort the crack I don’t move when it holds my wounds, or When It passes around me I weep brittle warmth or bitter red into the rough watered world When Its time with me ends, the River Wraps me with its fair physics and I pull up To surface, to break apart the Sun II. “Jump!” III. Some Smile’s cackle me down Whose demands push me-Wailing--child suspended in wild Some time ago I waited with You Now, with My time under the air and with My dissolvement, I beg You to take my Atoms and Consume Them 13

Grief

By Ema Skinner

Grief comes creeping Closer, ever closer, On your doorstep lying with baited breathe Patient, eternal, waiting for death To make the first move, Heavy and sweeping So loud that behind him You won’t hear floorboards creaking As grief finds its way inside

A Window 5’’ x 7’’ Mechanical pencil Emma Austin 2023

Rise or Stay Buried 33.5” x 20” Photo collage, artisan paper, metal hanger Sonara Sounds 2023

Burie d Trauma By Emma Austin

I don’t like writing about the things that hurt. I like burying underneath ground packed layer and layer. Devoid of air they lay pillowy soft cushions nails in the walls. And it’s tethered to my insides invisible to anyone but me. lately I think– Of dragging them out like skeletons the remains. what has happened. what has been felt seen and heard but I don’t Know it will help. I wonder if hurt is better kept underground. Because sometimes when dead are quiet you can pretend. For a moment they don’t exist. 17

Scraps of Things By Ema Skinner I think decaying goodbyes are the easiest ones for me To wake up one day and realize I don’t long for your company The last time we spoke was long ago, your voice a memory faint But even so to not speak now does not tatke more restraint My days go by as always, another heart to fill your space But sometimes I do wonder if mine too you did replace I wish I could recall what exactly had drove us apart Though I fear, my dear, time just decided we both need a fresh start Sometimes relationships and care and trust come to an end And when we look back we find that there’s no reason to defend While arguments may leave you feeling glad that they have left I’d rather feel that ache, decay, not a betrayal and theft I wonder if you sometimes think of me as I now think of you Though by now your face and voice and laugh through memories are askew I still recall through fog and haze a warmness in your smile And I hope that you still fondly think of me once and a while I’ll hate you for the awful things and love you nonetheless But surely age and new differences we don’t want to address I’ll keep your email, number, pictures, borrowed sweater too But if I’m honest, I’ve no intentions of giving it back to you

Extension of Self Acrilyc Yarn Emma Austin 2023

Present Pull 15.5” x 15.5” Oil-paint pen on exterior house paint, found Dibond panel Sonara Sounds 2023 20

Po em for Katie By Jaiden McClellan

I am the stomping heart in the Swelling Chest I am falling off my toes I hum and whir I Clap I buzz and purr I am climbing a birthing reality I am rising to the sight: I glance time I Burn I Bite I sink into the fatted sun Passing briefly by

Dust Settles Slowly 33.5” x 20” Photo collage, artisan paper, metal hanger Sonara Sounds 2023

Po em 1 By Emma Austin Love is an open door Love is the windows closed so the cold keeps out. Love is sound keys clicking and mouths chewing. I have opened floodgates my ship is full of passengers. Riding is long and the waves are confusing. We are rocking against the ocean impossibly full of courage It will float. You ask me When do I jump? because you are not sure you want what you never asked for. “The door is open.” I hold your hand. I do not know what love can heal. I do not know if your smile will ever be as wide as it could be in the other lives you might live. It may not be a door that opens as wide as we both wish. But if there is a crack we will mend it. Heart beats gravel against a shell damped in a screeching against the tide. 23

Carving Out Space 18’’ x 22’’ Cyanotypes on fabric Shanda Stinebaugh 2023

Maladaptive Daydreamer 24’’ x 36’’ Thread, crochet, arylic, yarn on raw canvas Emma Austin 2023

Tre e Po em By Emma Austin

Our sanctuary was built by remains you tell me. I ask you how can something so bewitching be so bleak? A child’s imagination is the most vivid. I was certain you raised your stethoscope to mother tree and listened to her. Whisper. We weren’t young for long. Foragers to dig and climb rock and sway among the Ensifera. As our mother hens independent of men cried out loud enough the wind could Carry.

Continued on page 28 26

Quest 11’’ x 14’’ Acrylic, oil, psatel, pen and ink, collage Austin Wetzel 2023 27

Tree Poem continued On the playground Retreat to that Chinkapin Oak– to blissful escape. I used to wonder if We were just as tolerant to prolonged drought. Cellular static fills distant spaces now and the trees are different. Still here.

Transitions Digital photograph Shanda Stinebaugh 2020

Untitled 8.5’’ x 12’’ Water color marker, pen and ink Austin Wetzel 2021

Where? 7’’ x 10’’ Found images and paper ephemera Alex Michael 2023

Untitled Installation Tulle and push pins El Nazarov 2023

Re cover y Resources WSU Counseling and Psychological Services WSU Student Care Network WSU Cougar Health Services Harm Reduction Approach SMART Recovery ThePhoenix Faces & Voices of Recovery CCAR Narcotics Anonymous Alcoholics Anonymous Refuge Recovery White Bison Celebrate Recovery -

nida.nih.gov Group; smartrecovery.org Fitness Classes & Activities; thephoenix.org facesandvoicesofrecovery.org Education; ccar.us Group; na.org Group; aa.org Group; refugerecovery.org Group; whitebison.org Group; celebraterecovery.com

Cougs for Re cover y - Fosters connections through similar experiences with fellow students. - Promotes awareness to stop or reduce substance use or other harmful behaviors. - Provides supports & resources for self-empowered wellness. - Scholarships, peer-to-peer coaching opportunities, fun social events, all-recovery meetings and more!

Fo ll ow u s o n I nsta gram an d Fa ce b o o k @Co u g sfo rre cove r y!

Email us: cougs.forrecovery@wsu.edu

Emma Austin Jaiden McClellan Alex Michael El Nazarov Ema Skinner Sonara Sounds Shanda Stinebaugh Austin Wetzel

Fall 2023