DIGGING DEEPER
VAUGHAN ON... IDENTITY
Known for his dark, eloquent lyrical themes of the repression that he felt growing up queer, Vaughan is a sad-happy rising pop artist who is sharing his story of how a hedonistic lifestyle brought him down to his knees. Hopelessly trying to sleep, I remember shivering in my bed at 3AM, struck with the realisation that I couldn’t keep dealing with my issues on my own anymore. 24 hours later I was back at my childhood home offloading my story to my family and for the first time, it wasn’t just me against the world anymore. I never really loved myself growing up, hiding my emotions, hiding my sexuality, and everything I did pushed me deeper into a place of repression, self-deprecation and shame. Stylist Ryan Wohlgemut
Then alcohol, drugs and sex came into my life. I finally felt like I was a part of a community among other LGBTQ+ partiers, who made it all seem so normal. From that point, I made the unconscious decision to start living as hedonistically as possible. Although it was unpredictable, I never slowed down. I traded my low self-esteem and relief from mental health issues for this pseudo culture, meeting so many others who like me were looking to escape. With every peak there was an even deeper trough, but I still wouldn’t admit to myself that it had gone too far - until I crossed a line I never thought I would. Sobriety has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It is a daily process where I’m constantly 23
learning about myself. Music has always been cathartic for me, and has been how I’ve freely expressed my story. Now I want to share a story of hope. You can fly into the dark and make it back again. The harsh reality is that those who are unsure how to identify their sexuality are five times more likely to have substance abuse issues than those who identify as heterosexual (Healthline); but the issues lie much deeper than any label. I’m still looking for a solution to feeling unwanted, unloved and unsuccessful, but I’ve realised everyone is. Although society told me that rejection was natural and shame is normal, I’ve learned not to accept that. I choose to love myself. All of the answers were right in front of me. Photography by Alex Evans (Flower Up)
