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HOW CLOSE IS TOO CLOSE?
RELATIONSHIP
SPIN CYCLE HOW CLOSE By Simon Matthews, FASLM MAPS MHlthSc ICF-PCCIS TOO CLOSE? If you’ve ever studied the engine cooling system in your car, or the air conditioning system in your home or workplace, you know its operation hinges on one essential component: the thermostat. It’s responsible for detecting a change in temperature (up or down) and responding by switching the system on or off to adjust the temperature.
OUR RELATIONSHIPS HAVE A SIMILAR KIND OF “THERMOSTAT”, AND ONE OF THE MOST COMMON SENSORS THAT PEOPLE HAVE COULD BE CALLED A “PROXIMISTAT”. ITS JOB IS TO DETERMINE WHEN THE CLOSENESS OR DISTANCE BETWEEN PEOPLE IS ABOUT RIGHT, AND DECIDE HOW TO ADJUST IT.
Many years ago, psychologists recognised that one of the essential needs of humans
is connection and relationships with
others. Some of us find that in marriage and some in professional relationships.
Some of us are generally quite happy alone, with our own company. Whatever your
preference, you likely have a “set-point” for how much closeness you like.
If you’re in a marriage, any sort of longterm relationship or domestic partnership, this can be tricky. In the same way that buildings have different thermostats, that people set differently, we all have different “proximistats”.
WHILE ONE PERSON MAY FEEL THEY HAVE JUST THE RIGHT COMBINATION OF CLOSENESS AND INDIVIDUALITY IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP, THE OTHER PARTNER MIGHT FEEL THERE’S TOO MUCH OR TOO LITTLE.
When you sense that the amount of closeness is too small, you tend to do things to increase it. Maybe you try to be physically closer, or talk more. Maybe you try to spend more time with your partner. Similarly, if you sense that the amount of closeness is too much, then you do things to introduce more distance between the two of you.
These patterns form the basis for a very common but very challenging human dynamic referred to as the “pursue –
distance cycle”. Partner 1 wants to be closer and Partner 2 then feels a little smothered, needing more distance and trying to introduce some space. Partner 1 then tries to get even closer.
It’s easy to see how quickly this vicious
cycle can become a frustrating problem. One half of the partnership sees the other as having no interest in being close, while the other half feels hounded by a partner who’s too needy and demanding.
For first responders, this pattern can be particularly challenging. After a difficult shift during which you might have been exposed to some distressing and traumatising events, you might want to feel
very close to your partner. But this intensity might feel overwhelming and smothering for them, causing them to back off and leaving you feeling even more isolated. Your response? You work even harder to get close and so the cycle begins.
Or, after a difficult shift, you want some distance and space. Your partner might recognise that your day has been particularly difficult and might try to get closer to you. Instead of providing comfort, their overtures could feel overwhelming and smothering, so you could be the one to back off, leaving your partner feeling that you’re slipping away. Their response? Your partner tries even harder to get close to you.
Without understanding the need for a balance of closeness and distance, it’s all too easy for each partner to blame the other. “You’re so needy…” or “You never open up to me…”
If you recognise this pattern, you’re certainly not alone. Everyone has a need for both closeness to and distance from others and we all have ways of trying to strike a balance. If you see yourself in the descriptions above, there are ways to change that pattern.
Once you recognize the needs that are driving you – either to get closer, or gain more distance – talk to your partner. Often
simply putting things into words can clarify
a situation. You could say, “When I get home from a really tough shift, I need some time alone to process what I’ve just been through. If I can have an hour or two on my own then I’ll be able to really focus on enjoying our time together.”
COMMUNICATION TO BOOST UNDERSTANDING IS KEY.
One of the most powerful ways to change unhappy patterns is to do the exact opposite of what you think you need. If trying to get closer to your partner is causing friction, consider looking to other people in your life for support instead. Similarly, if trying to keep your distance is causing difficulty with your partner, try reaching out to them. You’ll be signalling that their need for closeness is being satisfied and they may ease up a little.
If you find that your efforts aren’t achieving the outcome that you want, consider
consulting a licensed Marriage and
Family Therapist. LMFTs are trained in recognising patterns such as these and are able to support couples to develop a deeper understanding of themselves and each other. Working with a skilled LMFT can put an end to friction and lead to more satisfying and harmonious relationships.
There are many LMFTs who work with the first responder community. A simple Google search for “LMFT first responder” will turn up many options. You may also have colleagues or friends who can recommend someone they’ve found effective.
Whichever option you choose, remember that nothing is carved in stone. Challenging
