Planting a Tree by Scott Dunn

Most children on summer break do not relish their dad coming in their bedroom at dark-thirty to shake them awake. The truth is, I did not either, except for when I knew that with the rise of the sun, I would be at a water hole fishing with my dad. A lot of fun memories revolve around us sitting on an eroded bank in the middle of Baltimore City or some state park. It’s in times like this I learned things like trying to catch carp with kernels of sweet yellow corn straight from a tin can. I also learned that you could eat hot dogs right out of the pack, no grill required. As a young boy, I thought I was doing something super manly because of that!

I look back on those memories and see something more significant than just good times. I see the bricks that were laid for who I have become. Those interactions defined parts of how I perceive the world and the relationship I have with my dad. He cultivated me, and I did not know or understand that until many years after. That is one of those things we do as a parent; we pour in a wealth of knowledge into our children. It doesn’t take all at once, but over time, with consistent effort, you can pass along some beautiful life lessons that help them in their own lives. There is an old Chinese proverb I saw on a bag of tea years ago, and it says, “One generation plants the trees, and another gets the shade.” Life will throw a lot of unexpected heat your way and your children’s way. So what kind of shade-providing tree will you give them when the heat is on?

The tree I am trying to plant, and the cultivation of it is a crucial priority for me as a parent. I want my children to be well-versed in many things, but the most important values I want them to hold center around Christ. That is my tree, one that doesn’t solve their world problems; it’s one that nurtures their faith. A place they can go to unequivocally and confidently when they are in need when what they need is God.

Thankfully, God in His sovereignty has given us the instructions we need to plant, cultivate, and see that shade-providing tree blossom. The wellknown verse from Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”, offers all the instructions we need.

There are many ways for us to provoke our children, and some of them are well-meaning but do the opposite. Overprotection is a well-meant but stifling behavior towards our children; it frustrates them as they try to become independent. As a parent, that is scary, but I had learned best when my parents told me about their experiences and then let me fail on my account. What this teaches your children is that they have freedom and support from you if they fail. Point out to them how God is always working in their lives and is always there.

A non-exhaustive list of other ways we can provoke our children includes favoritism, discouragement, spoiling them, neglect, and physical and verbal abuse. God does none of that. Zero. He loves you. He loves them. As a husband, I need to love my wife dearly and do not hide that affection from the children. Our marriage is the relationship they will frame their future relationships around.

Consider this; you are a Christian, you tell others that you are a Christian, you tell your children about Christ. Yet, your actions do not bear witness to that proclamation. You are setting the tone for your child that how you behave is how Christians should behave. Yelling at your wife, not making personal sacrifices to spend time with your children, a constant cycle of “you can do better” all are against what you proclaim to be.

I share these things because I’ve experienced these as a child, or as a parent, I have stumbled into that behavior. My dad is not a perfect person, and we should never act as if we are with our children. There were times when dad had hard conversations with me and has apologized for his actions. I’ve done the same with my children because it’s a process. You aren’t going to be perfect, but you can be humble and admit failure. What I try to do and encourage you to do is find a way to weave Christ into all your interactions with your children. For me, it is reading to them from the Bible and having conversations around what we have learned. I try to use discipline as another avenue; they know they have done wrong, pointing it out over and over again doesn’t help. Instead, ask them questions about their behavior and direct them to why God wants us to behave the opposite of that. There is no one-size-fits-all method except for salvation. Reading parenting books is excellent, it’s gained knowledge but apply it to showing how Christ wants your children to live.

I will always remember those talks with my dad, and hopefully, my children will feel the same looking back on our time together. A book that has helped me be a better father and husband is Wild At Heart (John Eldredge), and for the wife, I suggest Captivating (Stasi Eldredge).

Consider what tree you want to plant when you are cultivating your child for this world. My goal is to plant a shading-providing tree that is about the love of God, His sacrificed son Jesus Christ, Jesus’ work on earth, and the salvation He provided. All of that is found in the shade-providing tree when the heat is on.

Scott Dunn is a Christian husband and father who has spent over 15 years in the telecommunications industry. He is the founder of Talking with God (https://twgpodcast.com), a podcast that seeks to educate and encourage a closer relationship with God. Scott is a northerner who migrated south and has fully acclimated to the wonderful area known as the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. He serves at his local church by helping with the production and online streaming of services. He has a genuine passion for the Christian man and his responsibilities, often writing about them on his blog https://justholdfast.com. Here he shares open and real-life experiences so that other men can relate to the human condition and how that relates to a stronger love relationship with God.

Photo by Karen Ruhl

Photo by Karen Ruhl