Blessed, Regardless of the Outcome by Scott Dunn

I live a very blessed life; God has been good to me in ways that still blow my mind. He gave me an amazing, loving mother. She has the kindest soul I have ever known in my time on earth. He’s blessed me with an amazing wife and children—a blessing I was extremely humbled with when I found out I could not have kids. He’d answered that prayer before I realized it.

The times I truly feared for my own life can be counted on one hand. Once, while moving an old ancient safe, when I sat it down a black widow crawled out of the door and across my hand. Another time, when I had been sick for some time and had to have a colonoscopy to figure out what was going on. And when I was 21 and someone had spiked something of mine with a drug and I found myself laying on the grass at an apartment building that I did not know the location of. I have acute clarity that my heart was sprinting like an untamed mustang, and I thought for sure I would not survive that.

I wouldn’t say I have a colored past, but when I ran from God, I sure had some adventures! Even when most of those adventures I thought were worth something cost me everything; I was able to come home. You see, I had run from my parents and God.

Having met this girl on the internet, I gave up my life and moved to Kansas to be with her. I was young and it was scary and exciting all at once. I flew down one time, rode a greyhound another, and finally one day, I packed what meager things a young adult may have into my car and I drove from Baltimore, Maryland to Topeka, Kansas. Her mom liked me, mostly, and let me stay in her basement while I figured out things. I had a job working for Verizon within two weeks and moved out within six months. For being under 25, I was making almost $27 an hour, and back in 2002, that was a good amount of money!

That lasted for about two years and shortly after I asked her to marry me, she ended things. It was brutal. I was the one who worked; she stayed home. She had access to all the cards and savings we had. I came home one day to an almost bare apartment with maxed-out credit cards and an anemic account. I tried to make it work after that whirlwind. I was stubborn, you see, and did not want to phone home a failure. Yet, I eventually had to.

“Come home, son.” It was the most crushing and relieving words I had heard from my parents. I was getting evicted anyway, so I rented a U-Haul on a card that had just enough to secure the truck, sold my car for $600, and then packed my things in the middle of the night. I left Kansas with a mattress, some clothes, a pet snake, and a lot of baggage that took me years to unpack.

My parents had already moved to North Carolina, so that was the ‘home’ I drove to. I can remember getting to their house and unpacking the truck. My mattress was ruined. It had rained on the drive and the truck was apparently not sealed. I didn’t care. I dropped the truck off and then slept. Those were some very difficult days. I spent several years trying to eat myself to death.

I hardly left my room. I built websites for illegal software sharing and used that money to help my parents out. It wasn’t until I had a headhunter seek me out for my experience in the cellular industry that I realized I needed to get my life back in order. When I got the second interview, I had to get new clothes and really learn to be a functioning person in society again.

A much different person now, I reflect on that period of my life, and I am embarrassed about it. I literally do not recognize who that young man was, but I know I am grateful for the life he lived. I would not be who I am without his pain, his hurt, his depression, and his experiences. What I remember most of all is after getting that second interview, I cried. I was worth something to someone. After a couple of years, I started seeking God again and my faith became stronger. I did not attend church, but I used the internet to listen to pastors and to reconnect with God in ways I had forgotten. The faith I have now is so different from that when I was young and hungry to just know things. I still want to know things, but I view my faith for what it is—an intimate, love-filled relationship with God.

Since reconnecting, there have been two times when I have been on my knees crying in total submission. Acknowledging the wretch, I am praising His omnipotence and grateful to my core for God’s love and grace. The first was the colonoscopy, where I feared the worse. The vulnerability of that time is a stark memory for me. It’s one of the times where I didn’t even try to beg or barter with God. It’s the first time I knew I could fall completely into my faith and God was there for me. I wasn’t even scared to do that! I mean, yeah, I feared the colonoscopy and all because I’m human and I still enjoy people enough to want to be here. But I felt emboldened knowing I was at utter submission. I was at peace.

The second time was literally before writing this article. That woman, my mother, is having a very rough time right now. As I write this, she is in the ER at a hospital filled to capacity with COVID-19 patients. She has emphysema from a life of smoking. She was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and has just completed a round of chemo. Her immune system is severely compromised, and she is COVID-19 positive.

I don’t have fancy words for you, and I don’t have scripture to throw at you. I just have experiences to share and a faith that I have fallen into completely. I don’t know what God’s plans are. I know He is good. I am terrified for my mother’s life. Even though the future of her time on earth is unknown, I know she will be waiting for me when God calls her home. I won’t beg and barter, but I will believe that whatever the outcome, God does have a solid purpose for this. It’s just hard to swallow when you see a person you have known your whole life become this frail being, ravaged by two of the most tragic things to plague humanity.

I write this broken and uncertain about the future. I also write it firmly in my faith. I am blessed, regardless of the outcome.

Scott Dunn

Scott Dunn is a Christian husband and father who has spent over 15 years in the telecommunications industry. He is the founder of Talking with God (https://twgpodcast.com), a podcast that seeks to educate and encourage a closer relationship with God.

Scott is a northerner who migrated south and has fully acclimated to the wonderful area known as the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. He serves at his local church by helping with the production and online streaming of services.

He has a genuine passion for the Christian man and his responsibilities, often writing about them on his blog https://justholdfast.com. Here he shares open and real-life experiences so that other men can relate to the human condition and how that relates to a stronger love relationship with God.

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