Being Engaged Is Hard by Amy Goodwin

Amy Goodwin is a blogger and writer at graceandrecovery.com. Her mission is to communicate the reality of life and grace in Christ to those trapped in their habits, addictions, and mental illnesses.

I thought being engaged would be the happiest time in my life.

“But whose image are you buying into?” my trusted friend and mentor asked me. Engagement has been the most revealing time of my life. I see how selfish I am. I see how faulty some of my thinking is. I see how stubborn I am. I cry all the time. It seems there is always something that comes up, and in these last few months leading up to the wedding, I’m realizing how unprepared I am. I thought my addictive personality and beliefs about myself were not an issue, but it has taken a serious toll on my relationship. However, I now realize that my issues aren’t because I’m engaged but because I am a sinner.

I am filled with excruciating sadness as I realize how different engagement is from how I always imagined, but I’m met with even deeper sadness at the realization that there is so much growth within me that still needs to happen. I feel stuck.

I am so selfish and self-deprecating, and it hurts others, not just me. I always thought my attitude about taking care of my physical health only affected me, but I was so wrong. I got sober over two years ago, yet there are still ways that I neglect my body’s needs and treat myself carelessly. It is a slap in Christ’s face when I don’t take care of myself and neglect to treat my body as the temple and the reflection of Christ I am called to be. Maybe the substance I used has been out of my life for over two years, but the mindset and patterns haven’t changed nearly as much as I thought.

My future husband is seeing the nitty-gritty details of my life. He sees all my flaws, and because he is a good man, he lovingly calls it out in me. Change is hard, though. Changing a mindset, I’ve taken peculiar comfort in for so long feels nearly hopeless. Jerry sees my sin. I can’t pretend to be perfect with him. My fiancé is so patient and loving with me, but I am loved in a way I’m not accustomed to. He calls me out when he sees me engaging in thoughts or actions that aren’t healthy, even when he knows it will upset me or cause tension. My mentor pointed out to me that the self-worth issues I am currently addressing will have to be dealt with at some point, whether or not I was engaged. I’m blessed enough to be with a man who gently calls me out.

We cannot hold Ignorance and growth in the same hand. Sometimes I feel like a problem child, a burden, or simply a woman weighing him down. When I begin to question my worth, I start spiraling, and I’ve been doing a lot more of that lately. It’s overwhelming and so disheartening. I want to change. I want to be challenged. I want to continue to grow, but it hurts. I don’t like how painfully aware I am of all my flaws right now. I was told today that being sanctified isn’t an overnight process. Well, dang it! It would be a lot easier if it were.

God’s grace is sufficient for me, AND His sufficiency looks different from my expectation of His sufficiency.

I love my future husband with all of my heart, so when I examine how adverse I am to changing some of my ways, I get angry at myself. He doesn’t deserve this. The me who got sober over two years ago doesn’t deserve this either. I became complacent and comfortable, and as a result, I stopped trying to grow, which has come back to bite me in the butt. It’s time to take steps forward and choose facts over my ever-changing and oh-so-sensitive emotions.

Being engaged hurts. I’m challenged in ways I never thought I would be, and I cry now more than ever. Despite all this, God continues to guide Jerry and me to forge this path and keep pushing on. Jerry continues to point me to Christ repeatedly. I’ll be honest, though, sometimes I tire of it. The endless conversations about these topics wear me out. Sometimes I wish I could sweep it all under the rug, but that isn’t loving. Jerry wouldn’t be leading well if he didn’t challenge me on things I’m doing that are hurting myself and dishonoring the life God has given me.

I’ve gained a small glimpse of how terrifyingly difficult marriage will be, but when I stop to think about life without Jerry, I can’t. He’s there. So, loving him (and myself and God) requires sacrifice, not just once, but repeatedly. It means dying to myself, picking up my cross, and following Christ in the practice of Biblical submission. It means acting “as if” even if I don’t want to.

I feel like I’ve been having an identity crisis lately. Desires and goals I once had have shriveled up. I changed the path I was on, and nothing is going the way I expected about a year ago. Where have my passions gone? I’m ready to rediscover all that God has called me to do. The life I set up for myself, the images and expectations I had created, fall short compared to God’s design.

Walking with Christ demands a willingness to sacrifice whatever identities I build for myself. I just want to look like Christ. His ways are always higher than mine.

This discouragement I’m experiencing — this “misery” as I’ve described it — isn’t because of my relationship, it’s because I’m being forced to confront the sin in my life that I’ve used as a cushion for the longest time.

Good grief! Accepting reproof and dying to myself is overwhelming, but we aren’t called to tasks that Christ won’t help us with, and today I’m clinging desperately to that truth.

You can read Amy’s blog at: https://graceandrecovery.com/

Amy Goodwin