Being Engaged Is Hard y By Amy Goodwin
Amy Goodwin is a blogger and writer at graceandrecovery.com. Her mission is to communicate the reality of life and grace in Christ to those trapped in their habits, addictions, and mental illnesses.
I thought being engaged would be the happiest time in my life.
patterns haven’t changed nearly as much as I thought.
“But whose image are you buying into?” my trusted friend and mentor asked me. Engagement has been the most revealing time of my life. I see how selfish I am. I see how faulty some of my thinking is. I see how stubborn I am. I cry all the time. It seems there is always something that comes up, and in these last few months leading up to the wedding, I’m realizing how unprepared I am. I thought my addictive personality and beliefs about myself were not an issue, but it has taken a serious toll on my relationship. However, I now realize that my issues aren’t because I’m engaged but because I am a sinner.
My future husband is seeing the nitty-gritty details of my life. He sees all my flaws, and because he is a good man, he lovingly calls it out in me. Change is hard, though. Changing a mindset, I’ve taken peculiar comfort in for so long feels nearly hopeless. Jerry sees my sin. I can’t pretend to be perfect with him. My fiancé is so patient and loving with me, but I am loved in a way I’m not accustomed to. He calls me out when he sees me engaging in thoughts or actions that aren’t healthy, even when he knows it will upset me or cause tension. My mentor pointed out to me that the self-worth issues I am currently addressing will have to be dealt with at some point, whether or not I was engaged. I’m blessed enough to be with a man who gently calls me out.
I am filled with excruciating sadness as I realize how different engagement is from how I always imagined, but I’m met with even deeper sadness at the realization that there is so much growth within me that still needs to happen. I feel stuck. I am so selfish and self-deprecating, and it hurts others, not just me. I always thought my attitude about taking care of my physical health only affected me, but I was so wrong. I got sober over two years ago, yet there are still ways that I neglect my body’s needs and treat myself carelessly. It is a slap in Christ’s face when I don’t take care of myself and neglect to treat my body as the temple and the reflection of Christ I am called to be. Maybe the substance I used has been out of my life for over two years, but the mindset and 6PAGE | M5 AG A Z I N E N A M E 3
We cannot hold Ignorance and growth in the same hand. Sometimes I feel like a problem child, a burden, or simply a woman weighing him down. When I begin to question my worth, I start spiraling, and I’ve been doing a lot more of that lately. It’s overwhelming and so disheartening. I want to change. I want to be challenged. I want to continue to grow, but it hurts. I don’t like how painfully aware I am of all my flaws right now. I was told today that being sanctified isn’t an overnight process. Well, dang it! It would be a lot easier if it were.
