101 Ways to Deal with Difficult Interactions

TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” 101 THINGS TO SAY & DO DURING DIFFICULT INTERACTIONS “We hear and we forget; we see and we remember; we do and we understand” ~ Chinese Proverb

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Help Balance Drama & Resistance ▪“I disagree with what you did, not with who you are.”

▪“It is not you against me; it is us against the problem.”

▪“Let’s not do this – this won’t help the situation.”

▪“I’m not sure I agree with your understanding of ___, please tell me more.”

▪“We are on the same side.”

▪“In my experience. . .” [can anyone argue with your experience?]

▪“That just doesn’t sound like something you would say and I am confused as to how I should respond.”

▪ “I can assure you we have similar goals.”

▪ “I don’t want to do this with you, we are both better than this behavior.”

▪“I can see how upset you are with me; I hope you know how much I value working with you.”

▪“It’s hard for me to admit that I’m wrong; thank you for helping me through this misunderstanding.”

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Balance Resistance Continued ▪“I am at a loss; I have no idea what to do right now except to tell you that I want us to get along.”

▪Limit your use of the words, “never, always, but, actually, the truth is, and unfortunately.”

▪“I noticed” – This is not an evaluation message, but rather a descriptive one. “I noticed you have been leaving work early this week.”

▪“I understand why you need to leave when I get tense; I am sure it is uncomfortable for you to experience me like that.”

▪“It sounds like you have been through a lot; I will keep good thoughts for you.”

▪“Maybe we should just be/work together without talking for awhile.”

▪Avoid trapping others with statements ending in “YOU.” “You’re going to finish that project tonight aren’t YOU?” ▪“I understand how you might see it that way and you may be right; I guess I didn’t experience it like that.”

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Balance Tension & Help Detach from the Drama ▪“I understand how you might see it that way and it may be true; I just don’t feel like it happened like that.”

▪“You might be right.”

▪“That could be how it occurred for you, however I experienced as...”

▪“That’s too bad you see it that way.”

▪“Please know I hear and understand you.”

▪“You could have a point there.”

▪“Everyone is entitled to their opinion.”

▪“I am sorry you feel things aren’t going the way you would like.”

▪“Yes, that’s one opinion; I guess we each experience things differently.”

▪“My understanding of the situation is a bit different.”

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Balance Conflict by Changing the Context ▪Replace “no” with “yes” - “Yes you can go on break, as soon as Bob gets back from his.”

▪“I disagree with what you did/said, not with who you are.”

▪“It isn’t you against me; it’s us against this issue and we are in this together.”

▪State your positive intention - “It’s important for us to work together well and I am eager to resolve our differences on this matter.”

▪“I didn’t intend to imply that everything was your fault; I know we were both responsible for what happened.”

▪Save face for the other person by sincerely owning the issue at hand “What have I done to cause this tension between us?”

“I want a better relationship with you, what can I do to make sure this happens?”

▪“Please don’t give up on me; we are a team and we need to stick together.”

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Balance Conflict by Changing the Context Continued ▪When an insult is hurled your way, thank them for caring “I am glad to see you are upset about this because it shows that you care about this project.”

▪Offer a partial “recording” of the conversation – repeat what they said, by paraphrasing their words in a new tone.

“Yes, I have been late every Tuesday to the 9am meeting…”

▪Turn complaining [what they do] into asking [what you want them to do] “She is unprofessional.” turns into, “I would like her to refrain from making personal calls at work.”

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Balance Drama by Reducing Urgency & Help Defer Your Response ▪“Please know I need some time to sort out what is going on between us and I will talk to you about it when I am ready.”

▪“Let’s stop what we are doing to one another right now and work on calming down.”

▪“Why don’t we think about our conversation, cool off and talk about it again later.”

▪Ask people to put their complaints in writing; this will sort out the minor complaints from the real problems.

▪“We seem to be stuck at the moment; can we try this again tomorrow/later?”

▪“You gave me a lot to think about; you’ll get my answer in the morning.”

▪“Let’s come back to this one.”

▪“You bring up an interesting sub point; let’s take it offline and address it one on one after the meeting.”

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Balance Discord by Rerouting with a Question ▪Ask a question regarding a consequence of their behavior, “What happens if we don’t order the parts by Friday?”

▪Name their game “You wouldn’t be trying to kick me off of this copier would you?”

▪“Rather than complaining about my behavior, can you help me understand what you’d like me to do?”

▪“What makes you ask?”

▪“Are you asking me if xyz?”

▪“You seem to know a lot about the situation; do you have any practical solutions to the issues you are raising?”

▪“I want us to get along; what can I say or do to make it right with you right now?”

▪“How would you feel or react if someone said/did…”

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Balance Problems by Focusing on Solutions ▪“Next time” demonstrates how to behave towards expectations “Next time I would appreciate it if you’d tell someone when you need to leave work early.”

▪Show acknowledgment and move on to the solution “Thank you for sharing and I understand what you are saying; NOW we need to...”

▪Avoid saying you can’t “Let me see what I can do; It looks like we have a few options here…

▪“I feel ___ When you ___. What I need is ___. Are you able to work with me on this?”

▪“How are you going to resolve this issue?”

▪“When do you expect to resolve this matter?”

▪“How can we change this?”

▪Link the cause and the effect “When you visit with your co-workers your work doesn’t get done.”

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Balance Problems by Focusing on Solutions Continued ▪Highlight what is at stake for the other person “Once we resolve this miscommunication, customer service should increase and your department will have a lot less work.”

▪“What can you do to ensure this gets accomplished?”

▪Use an if/then sequence of speaking, “IF our team is to function in a healthy manner THEN you must keep us informed.”

▪“What would you like to do about that?”

▪“How do you think we should approach this in the future so we don’t end up arguing about it again?”

▪Focus on problems created when rules are broken and state what you’d prefer. “When you use sarcasm with me and are short with me, our trust diminishes; I would like for us to get along and respect one another.”

▪“How might you best handle this?”

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Balance Challenging Conversations by Reinforcing the Message ▪“I am feeling upset right now but don’t worry, I’m not going to take it out on you. I do need your assistance. Is it a good time to meet?”

▪“I want you to know that I would never speak to you the way you are speaking to me right now.” [be direct and honest because awareness can change behavior] ▪“You don’t have my permission to be in conflict with me right now.” [remember: staying calm and emotionally detached while speaking, allows your words to be heard] ▪“You should know that I am not going to let you continue speaking to me this way and I may need to get up and leave.”

▪“I understand you are upset, however, it’s hard for me to find a solution when I am spoken to this way.”

▪“I would like you to hear where I am coming from; it doesn’t mean you have to agree with me.”

▪Use a “stop” gesture [by holding out your palm] to communicate your intention to disengage from an unhealthy interaction.

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Balance Challenging Conversations by Reinforcing the Message Continued ▪Describe their behavior in a factual way by focusing on the person’s behavior rather than labeling them as a person “I’d like to make this work but I can’t focus on helping you when you continue to yell at me/act this way.” Rather than, “You are acting like a crazy person!”

▪ “Here’s what I am able to do right now to help with our misunderstanding…”

▪[Fact] “When you interrupt me,” [Feeling] “I feel frustrated that my point goes unheard, [Awareness] “I thought I should bring it to your attention/point it out/make you aware of it.”

▪Address inappropriate language or behavior with one of the following responses: “please reconsider what you just said; would you like to repeat that; what, I’m sure I didn’t hear you right; use different language please.”

▪ “I’d be happy to help you once we can focus on the issue.”

▪“I need you to know that even if you don’t agree with me, I feel hurt when you don’t take me seriously.”

▪Give them two options and let them choose their own alternative. [each option is acceptable to you]

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Make Use of a Feeling/Need Language Sequence ▪ Manage Behavior – “I am feeling overwhelmed b/c everyone seems to be talking at once and I need to know that you all hear what I am saying and understand the course content.”

▪ Respond to Emotions – “So you are feeling frustrated about your grade and need to know if you are going to pass the class?”

▪ Offer Praise – tell them what they did specifically/how it made you feel and what need it met for you.

▪ Solve a Problem – “I feel confident about this solution… what do you need to best work with me?”

▪ Compromise – “I am feeling stuck on this issue and need to know you are committed to attending class. Can you email me when you know you are going to be absent?”

▪ Relate - “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated/nervous/upset and you might need a break to calm down.”

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Remind Them of Rules and Policies & Help Them Create a Win ▪“Our code of conduct doesn’t support this kind of behavior/response.”

▪“The organizational process for doing this is…”

▪“It’s good to learn these skills because in the near future we will be…”

▪“As you advance in your career, it is a good idea to be mindful of…”

▪“I used to do/say that too, and then I realized/learned that it was not effective here.”

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Responses that Gather More Information & Ask For More Details ▪“Could you say more about that?”

▪“What do you mean?”

▪“Help me understand this better…”

▪“How did you come to that conclusion/determine that?”

▪“I think I heard you saying __________. Is that correct?”

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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK” Response that Communicates a Clear “No” Be Succinct: 1] Acknowledge the other’s feelings: “I can see you are frustrated for having missed the new policy information during your absence.”

2] State your position: “The new policy is also online and quite clear and I want to remain fair to it for consistency with the staff.”

3] Say no: “So no, I am not going to allow you to do it the old way.”

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