ISSUE 07 / APRIL 19 / 2010
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18 PREYING ON FRESHERS Buyer Beware
22 HOW TO FUCK A MOOSE
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How To Fuck A Moose
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29 SOAP BOX
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C K PA GE
BA 30 COLUMNS
41 GAMES 37 BOFS
42 MUSIC 38 LETTERS
44 FILM
47 ART
48 BOOKS
49 PERFORMANCE
Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, Planet Media, or OUSA. Press Council: people with a complaint against a newspaper should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary, PO Box 10-879 The Terrace, Wellington. 05
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sually by this time of the year, Critic and the OUSA Executive are going at each other hammer and tongs. They’d be, like, not achieving their (ridiculously lofty) goals and be taking way too long to get the hang of things. So, we’d normally be ripping them out and then they’d be, like, refusing to be interviewed. And then we’d see them around town and it’d be totally awkward. But things have been different this year. For the most part, they’re doing good stuff. Every quarter, each Exec member has to write a report on what they’ve been up to. So that you don’t have to, we read them and rate them. The Best Student Political Team on Campus has been pouring over the first round of reports and we present them on p14. The next lot will come in a fortnight. From both the reports and watching them in action, the consensus seems to be that President Harriet Geoghegan is doing a stellar job while the rest of the Exec is competent, if pretty weird. The University and OUSA are also enjoying a more healthy relationship this year – a thawing of relations that we have not seen since they rammed through the CoC in 2006, much to the Association’s displeasure. It is a good thing that the University and the student’s association get on well, as they have to work together on many issues. It is astounding that such an important relationship comes down to personality, but a large reason why this friendship is blossoming seems to be because Geoghegan and Vice Chancellor Sir Professor David Skegg get on. Last week we reported that the University hearted OUSA in its submission opposing VSM to the Select Committee discussing Roger Douglas’ Education (Freedom of Association) Bill. Anti-VSM campaigners in Otago should count their lucky stars that Roger’s bill did not get drawn out of the hat a year ago. Geoghegan does have a lot of work still to do, however. In her column (p36) this week she likens much of her role to herding cats – the cats being the sixteen (16) Execcies that report to her. A key part of her presidency is a planned review of the structure of the Exec and one of her aims is to cut it down. It will be very interesting to see how it goes. We will have more coverage of this in future issues. This issue, we have an eclectic mix of stories. Georgie Fenwicke talks to the United States Ambassador to New Zealand (p17); Med student and Critic writer Caitlyn O’Fallon warns first-years off those scams that purport to get them into competitive entry courses (p18); and Michael Tyler Jensen gives us all a guide on, um, how to fuck a moose (p22). Enjoy.
Critic – Te Arohi PO Box 1436, Dunedin (03) 479 5335 critic@critic.co.nz www.critic.co.nz Editor in Chief: Ben Thomson Designer in Chief: Gala Hesson Creative Director: Dreke Verkuylen Features Writers: Susan Smirk Caitlyn O’Fallon Thomas redford News Editor: Gregor Whyte News Reporters: Rory MacDonald Julia Hollingsworth Sub Editor: Marie Hodgkinson Music Editor: Simon Wallace Film Editor: Max Segal Books Editor: Jonathan Jong Performance Editor: Jen Aitken And a substantial army of volunteers. Advertising:
Kate Kidson, Tim Couch, Dave Eley Ad. Designer: Daniel Alexander PH: (03)4795361 kate@planetmedia.co.nz WWW. planetmedia.co.nz 05
What’s Your Returns Policy? Smuggling a Stiffy
Rolls in Grave
Numbers
Laddiest. Game. Ever.
A Tennessee woman sent her seven-year-old adopted child back to Russia with a note reading, “To whom it may concern … I no longer wish to parent this child.” The doting mum was unhappy with the child she had adopted, claiming the Russian government had deceived her, and that the boy showed sociopathic tendencies. The woman’s actions are shaping up as a real contender at this year’s ‘OMFG Worst Mum Ever Awards’; as always, we will keep you informed of the results.
Because the Bard wasn’t corrupted enough by that crappy Hollywood movie Shakespeare in Love, the classic play Romeo and Juliet is now set to take place over a number of Twitter exchanges and YouTube videos, in a modern reenactment of the classic love story. The audience can follow the saga at www.suchtweetsorrow.com. Allegedly, Romeo’s first post is still yet to come, as he’s busy playing Xbox. Shaping up nicely, we think.
300 – the number of banana-related accidents in America in 2001. Most of them, funnily enough, involved slipping on the skin. 50 – percentage of bank robberies that take place on Fridays. 100 – the number of people who choke to death on ball point pens annually. 11 – Frank Epperson’s age when he invented the Popsicle in 1905. 2 – the number of boyfriends Gwen Stefani has had in her life. The lucky men were No Doubt band-mate Tony Kanal, and her nowhusband Gavin Rossdale.
A German woman has been arrested for allegedly attempting to smuggle her dead husband onto an airplane in a wheelchair. Staff at Liverpool airport became suspicious when ‘Willi’ was wheeled through security, and both were prevented from boarding.
Three Cambodian men found a discarded landmine (pretty par for the course over there) and had a bright idea. Taking it to the local bar they chucked it under the table and started stamping on it turn-by-turn as they threw down each round. Locals quickly scarpered when they realised what was going on. Good thing, too, as the trio didn’t even make it to a full doz.
World’s Most Fearless Creature? Someone is Just Too Easy Quotable
When Shooting
Who Said You Need a Degree?
Introducing Artie the Fighting Artichoke
The humble Honey Badger is not the Guinness Book of Records as the ‘Most Fearless Creature’ for nothing. These ten-kilogram badgers are vicious carnivores that are naturally resistant to snake venom, and are effectively tiny killing machines. The badgers, slightly larger than a big cat, have been known to take down lions and water buffalo. They have a natural instinct to tear out the scrotum of male animals they attack, leading to their victim’s expiration through testicular blood-loss. They can also apparently use tools. Cool.
Mum might think it’s important to get that piece of paper, but some of the most successful people never bothered going to uni at all. Luminaries who didn’t bother with the whole degree thing include Halle Berry, John D. Rockefeller, Simon Cowell, and Sean Connery. Pretty irrefutable evidence that degrees are worthless, if you ask us.
All God’s children are not beautiful. Most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable. – Fran Lebowitz
Two Chinese brothers were arrested for releasing 500 snakes in an attempt to seek revenge on a rival with whom they were feuding. The brothers bought the snakes at a market and released them near the target’s house. Nobody was injured, and the snakes, unaware of their important revenge mission, just pissed off into the nearby undergrowth. Why couldn’t they just tear off his scrotum?
The University of Otago doesn’t have a mascot. If we did, it would probably be something stupid like a sheep, anyway. But even that wouldn’t be as bad as the mascot of Scottsdale Community College in the USA. Scottsdale, inexplicably, has Artie the Fighting Artichoke as its mascot of choice. Really, a vegetable? And the students there wonder why nobody takes their degrees seriously…
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On Wednesday night, humble drinking hole ‘the Robbie’ on George Street was transformed into a political sweatbox, with the arrival of TVNZ 7’s show Back Benchers. The show was a chance for local(ish) MPs to meet the region’s public in a relaxed, jovial pub setting, and answer questions directed at them by youthful but politically sharp host Wallace Chapman. The crowd at the Robbie had representatives from the whole spectrum, from our limelight-loving mayor and his suited friends, all the way to the in-your-face, sign-my-fucking-petition UNITE socialists. On the night, however, the Robbie was the Greens’ territory. This point was put beyond contention by the loud boos received by National MP Michael Woodhouse as
he took a sip from his contrived pint of Speight’s. In the red corner that night was Labour sweetheart Claire Curran (shouts of “Change Colour!” from the hippies), who was made to drink after she revealed she had done the walk of shame at one point in her life. Woodhouse, sitting on her right, looked particularly stoked. The billing was rounded off by Heather Roy, Act’s very own Sarah Palin (total babe), and finally Greens powerhouse Tariana Turia, who was clearly the crowd favourite. The MPs discussed ‘tertiary’ issues ranging from Student Loans and VSM to public drunkenness, and no one ever really strayed far from the party line. The only really heated interaction of the night was
when an anti-VSM campaigner got up on her soap box and gave Woodhouse and Roy a tune-up about the Freedom of Association Act, which both MPs had supported. Roy stayed staunch, but Woodhouse feebly justified his vote as “wanting to see the bill go to select committee, just to see what the public thought.” Despite the microphones and televisions, it was rather hard to hear many of the questions and responses given by the MPs, due largely to all the barstool debates occurring around the Robbie. So, your best bet is to watch the episode online which can be reached via the link on facebook.com/critictearohi.
In updating its ‘smoke-free policy,’ the University of Otago plans to impose a six-metre smoking ban around campus buildings. This ban covers all University campus buildings, and includes the University’s Wellington, Christchurch, and Invercargill campuses. The University’s Auckland campus is already smoke-free. In regards to how the six-metre ban will be imposed, the University has said that it is working through these details currently. The change in policy has drawn mixed reactions from students. One Union Lawn smoker stated that he would continue to smoke within the banned perimeters because
the ruling would be “almost impossible” to enforce. Another thought the six-metre smoke-free zone was appropriate around doorways and open windows, but made no sense around solid walls and closed windows. Vice Chancellor Sir Professor David Skegg states that “while we aspire to achieve a completely smoke-free environment in the future, it is necessary to consider the rights of a significant number of staff and students who are addicted to smoking.” A complete ban is not possible because of the “considerable distance” of some campus buildings from public spaces.
At issue, however, is whether the new policy actually constitutes an effective smoking ban. In reality a considerable portion of the campus in Dunedin will not be covered by the new rule, as many open spaces exist that are further than six metres away from campus buildings. Regardless, it will be hilarious to watch nicotine addicts lighting up as they shiver in the rain during the middle of a Dunedin winter. Tiddy Smith has beef with the ban and writes about it in this week’s Soap Box on p29.
We’ve all been there. You need to finish an assignment, but just can’t stop going on Facebook. The classic social networking procrastination problem (or, if you are studying in your room, a RedTube procrasturbate problem). For some people, however, academicbased anxiety can become a real monster when they feel that their studies are getting the better of them. Fortunately, Personal Performance and Development (PPDC) coach Brian Johnston, former counsellor with Student Health, has been granted funding to work full-time on a goal-oriented performance programme aimed at students struggling to achieve their academic goals. The programme, which Johnston will run full-time until the end of the year, has been a success in its hitherto part-time format. “[PPDC] has worked extremely well … several students who were considering giving up their studies have either completed their studies or progressed into the next year,” he says. PPDC has so far mainly been attended by Master’s and PhD students (and, of course, some poor first-year Health Scis).
The programme began after Johnston noticed how much more successful goaloriented discussions were than counselling. “Working as a counsellor at Student Health, a lot of students presented with generalised anxiety and stress. On exploration, the issues tended to be about procrastination, lack of direction, and excess use of Facebook. It seemed a goaloriented approach was more appropriate than counseling.” The programme consists of four to six one-on-one fortnightly sessions, each lasting about fifty minutes, where students prioritise their goals and discuss effective ways of achieving them. Johnston’s role is to help create realistic goals, and to support and encourage commitment to them. “My role is … like a sports coach … [to] encourage the student to commit to and implement their chosen action plans” The programme, which is aimed at students at any level, costs $6.50 per session (unless you are a international student, in which case you get mauled for $55), and you can sign up by visiting Student Health or emailing Johnston directly. He can’t be reached on Facebook.
Monday u OUSA Diversity Week u Pharmaceuticals – disposal practices and environmental aspects in New Zealand. 1pm, Room 713, Adams Building, 18 Frederick St.
Tuesday u “Genomes, structural biology and drug discovery” 12pm, Biochemistry Building, 710 Cumberland Street. Lecture by Professor Sir Tom Blundell.
Wednesday u Queerest Tea Party u The Future of the Cinema in the Digital and 3D-Age 5.15pm, Archway 2 Lecture Theatre.
Thursday u OUSA Grant Applications Close u The development of an occupational health and safety surveillance tool 4pm, Room 033, Ground Floor, Adams Building. Dr Rebbecca Lilley, Injury Prevention Research Unit, Preventive and Social Medicine
Friday u Wellington International Ukulele Orchestra 7.00pm, Main Common Room. u What Determines European Real Exchange Rates? 3pm, Room CO5.20, level 5, Commerce Building. Economics Seminar presented by Martin Berka/ from Massey University
The Proctor spent the Easter break at a conference in Christchurch, discussing various methods by which emergency responses can be coordinated on a campus, and was uncharacteristically anxious to keep the precise details of this conference out of the media. We at Proctology were therefore forced to resort to baseless, histrionic speculation. Consequntly we feel justified in assuming that the Proctor spent the entire week in workshops learning how to cope with emergencies such as dinosaurs running amok in the Quad (don’t worry, they’re herbivores) and aliens landing on the Registry lawn (kill them with fresher flu, just like in War of the Worlds). In the meantime, the Proctor also had a couple of small pointers for more everyday problems: A couple of games of ‘Possum’ – in which young men climb trees, consume vast quantities of booze, and then, all being well, climb down again – have been observed in the Botanical Gardens lately. The Proctor wants to discourage this, partly because of the possibility
James Meager has been itching to get his hands on real power for a while now, feeling malcontent with his position as human policyencyclopaedia and sleazy side-kick. This week he got his wish, as Harriet was mysteriously absent, allegedly due to “food poisoning” and a “drama.” The Finance and Expenditure Committee has been formed to evaluate what would get the cut if VSM gets passed. The typos were amended, and John was appointed to the Committee – it is his precious baby after all. Stay tuned, the whole shebang will be finalised next meeting. A policy was passed rescinding internal policy ratified prior to March 1 2000. King James (poor sod) had gone through all the past minutes, searching for policies. The Exec let out a collective gasp as they saw how many useless policies James had found over Easter. The Exec really like American cheerleading movies, so they passed a motion that gave “snaps” to James for all his hard work and lack of a social life.
of these poor silly idiots falling and hurting themselves, but mostly because some of the trees in the Gardens are very fragile and difficult to replace. A rhododendron large enough to climb can cost as much as $1000, and the Proctor is legally empowered to sting you for the full amount if you so much as hurt the tree’s feelings on the way down. Drink at home. The Proctor would also like to extend a friendly warning to young ladies to pull their curtains at night, since the end of daylight saving also marks the beginning of peeper season. Just saying. Dumb idea of the week Surveillance footage apparently exists of a couple of girls in one of the Halls manhandling a large ornamental pot plant into an elevator. The tree has been recovered but the search for the girls is ongoing. Also sought is the guy who stood there the whole time holding the elevator doors open for them, partly because the Proctor – seriously – didn’t think letting girls do all the heavy lifting was polite.
Imogen was elected to the Frances Hodgkins Fellowship committee, Walker to the Robert Burns Fellowship. “Yuss,” said Walker. He was very happy. More talk of donations, blah bloody blah. Claire moved a motion to give $1500 to the Community Law Centre, and everyone said yes. Another fucking puppy joke was made, at which point all the Exec members turned expectantly towards Critic. Let it be known, Critic henceforth refuses to encourage their shocking puppy jokes by publishing them in this column. At the end, the President’s report was given, using James as a mouth piece. It was as if Harriet had inhabited James’ body, as James read her words in an endearing monotone: “paragraph … arrow … council passed a policy … snaps for people who get involved in healthy lifestyles … I heart you all.” But James was not to be outdone by Harriet’s soppy wee spiel, and encouraged the members to “run, eat healthy food, and pray to Mecca.” Even Critic can’t wait ‘til Harriet gets back.
With little hope of Canterbury students returning to Dunedin for their annual Undie 500 event, organisers are looking at the possibility of heading to Marlborough later this year instead. University of Canterbury Engineering Society (ENSOC) are looking for a site to hold the Undie and have approached several farmers, but there has been a call from many in the region to “shut them out.” The formerly Christchurch to Dunedin road trip, undertaken in a car bought and decorated for less than $500, ran for some 30 years before being cancelled in 2008 by ENSOC. Over the years 2006-2009, events associated with either the official Undie 500, or unsanctioned spin-offs, had got progressively out of hand in Dunedin,
with violence and rioting on Castle Street resulting in almost 200 arrests. ENSOC President Michael Cook says “it would be easy to drop the entire thing, but we see that as socially irresponsible because people will still run their own underground event.” Other regions were being considered for this year’s event, but Marlborough was a “definite possibility.” Because Blenheim was not a student town, it was more likely any event could be limited to ENSOC members. Mr. Cook says that most of those arrested at previous events did not belong to the society. “We don’t want the things that happened in Dunedin to happen again.” Drug Arm Blenheim chairman Roy Ramsey is concerned that Marlborough’s young people would gatecrash the event,
and doubts that they could be kept out. “I’m urging the community to shut them out … Our kids have a bad enough [alcohol] culture already.” Alistair Sowman, the mayor of Marlborough, says that the reputation of Canterbury students to date is “appalling.” He does not think Blenheim was ready for them, adding, “I know we need a hand with the savvy, but I don’t think this is the answer.”
Kiwi Skin Cancer Advice
Top Surgeon Returns to Dunedin
Otago Law Faculty Helps African Education
Polytech Councils Consensus: Need More Women
A new device that could help in the prevention of skin cancer is currently being tested under a joint research program by the University of Otago, Auckland University, and NIWA. Known as the UV Dosimeter, the device was invented by Dr. Martin Allen, a Canterbury University computer engineer. The gadget, which is essentially battery powered, measures the wearers’ complete exposure to UV radiation as they move from one place to another. It can be worn like a wristwatch or simply pinned to different body parts. Dr. Allen says the device would not, however, be sold to the public. Instead, scientists are working to develop a programme that utilises the device to teach children in schools about UV radiation.
The University of Otago Law Faculty is sending around 50 law books and journals to Gambia, in West Africa, to support the development of the library at a new university law school. The move came after Professor Kim Economides, director of Otago’s Legal Issues Centre, visited Gambia in January as a “special guest of honour” of the Gambia Bar Association. This was a gesture of thanks for Professor Economides’ part in a UK-funded project to strengthen legal capacity in the country. Prof Economides was “quite shocked” by the limited resources initially available at the library in the University of the Gambia’s new law school. As a result he arranged for books to be gathered from the University of Otago, The New Zealand Law Society (Otago), local law firms, and UK law publishers, and donated to the school.
Funding from the F and J McKenzie Charitable Trust has enabled Dunedin to lure back a top surgeon. Professor John McCall will take up the first McKenzie Professorship of Clinical Science at the University of Otago. He will split his time equally between the Medical School and the Dunedin Public Hospital. Professor McCall is a renowned liver-transplant surgeon and gastrointestinal cancer researcher. He graduated from the University of Otago Medical School in 1982. Professor McCall will teach at both the undergraduate and postgraduate level.
The Government last week released its list of appointments to the Polytech Councils. The general consensus? Not enough women. Of the 78 appointments to the Councils only 20 were women, a point not missed by the numerous press releases that flooded Critic’s inbox. Steven Joyce was the minister overseeing the appointments and the general theme behind the choices is one of business experience. Somewhat worryingly, however, only 15 of the appointments come from an educational background.
CRITIC RAT Walker Macmurdo Humanities Representative
Blushing with humility, Walker introduced his report with the memorable words “I read over it once, but either way it’s the bestwritten report out of all of you guys.” Walker didn’t appear to have contributed hugely to the general running of Executive, sticking to the bare minimum. He admitted to having taken a limited role in dealing with class representatives, to leaving early from the one Humanities divisional board meeting, and to failing to meet with the Pro Vice Chancellor of Humanities. Either Walker is honest to a fault, or he really has been a slacker. But lucky Toddles, none of the Execcies noticed, and the report passed without a hitch. 2/5
Dan Stride Clubs and Societies Representative
Despite Walker’s claim that he had the best report, Dan’s was by far the most entertaining, featuring a Lord of the Rings quote and his “humorous habit” of referring to all projects as “operations.” Operation Guillotine (careful affiliation of clubs) and Operation Doolittle (liaising with clubs) are going well. Dan has been focused on “the gigantic anvil hanging over our collective heads,” i.e. VSM, and has been using every opportunity to promote the cause. Operation Shake-up was Dan’s finest moment: he overhauled the Affiliation Policy with radical new thresholds for non-student membership. Dan seems to be doing a dedicated and passionate job, both in the Clubs and Socs role, and with general Executive responsibilities. 4/5
James Meager Finance and Services Officer
Mr Rule Book himself submitted a report 23 minutes late, with poor formatting and a date that read XX:XXxx. Despite his inadequacies in Microsoft Word, James has been doing a fairly thorough job, and has kept himself pretty busy with a shit load of stuff. It seems that quite a few of James’ responsibilities as Finance and Services Officer have not yet come into play, such as preparing the Association Budget, and monitoring the accounts of the Executive. But never fear: James hasn’t been twiddling his thumbs. James managed to get the Executive Budgets in over three months earlier than previous years, and has spent a lot of time producing and reviewing internal policy. Now that’s dedication. 4/5
PART one
ES THE EXEC Claire Jackson Welfare Officer
Claire’s first report was written “late at night” when she was “a bit grumpy.” The resulting report consisted of almost solely one-word sentences (“yes” was a common fixture), and was, to put it lightly, a bit brief. Needless to say, Claire was asked to resubmit. Everyone agreed, however, that Claire has put in the hours, even if she had trouble writing about it. And boy, did she have trouble! Claire’s Report: The Return showed little improvement – she sent it in with the formatting still in view, silly goose! But she was very good at delivering buckets, and organising the welfare tent, so the Exec forgave her. 3/5
Amith A. Koleth Post-graduate Students’ Representative
The Exec members seemed quite concerned about Amith’s achievements, and sneaky questions were fired left, right, and centre. Amith had certainly written a plan of action, which, conveniently, took up much of his report. “Is this too much detail?” the Execcies worried. Amith failed to mention general Exec duties post-orientation. “Too little detail!” the Execcies exclaimed. He complained that the post-graduate students don’t have formalised representation, which makes his job a bit more difficult. So, in short, Amith did nothing. But at least he has a plan. 1/5
Rosalin Mackenzie Queer Representative
Ros’ report was eight words over the limit, but luckily (James informed the Exec) she could get an exemption under clause 6.3 of sorry-I-didn’t-catch-that. Ros admitted one of her life goals is to become “the BBQ master,” and thus she has been steadily working towards such mastery at both the Clubs Day and over the course of the VSM campaign. But Ros is not all about the sausages. In the mix is a poster campaign to normalise queer relationships, a queer film festival, and a proposal regarding the introduction of unisex toilets. Ros seems to have great ideas, one can only hope that she finds her “inner queen powers” so she “can colour the world rainbow.” 3.5/5
Art Kojarunchitt International Students Representative
The Execcies couldn’t contain their compliments. “The formatting is good!” gushed Dan. “I enjoyed reading yours!” exclaimed Ros. Certainly, Art had utilised the “bold” and “underline” functions. But has he done the work? In his second term in this position, Art has been doing a range of things to support International students: looking at international fees, helping out with mentor programmes, and planning events promoting diversity. In fact, Art hosted a Race Relations Day, to let people know they can all get along, even if they look a bit different. Art attended the NZUSA International Conference, at which he had fun when the fire alarm was set off by a toaster. Ooookay. But, all in all, a good report. 4/5
Presant Singh Health Sciences Divisional Representative
There were grumbling mummers of “bad formatting” and “lack of integration.” Presant’s story-like expose on assisting with Orientation Week was brilliant, and inspired lovely images of Presant flaunting his bright green “OUSA-ness.” Unfortunately, he also describes his ability to attend Board meetings as “questionable.” Never mind, Presant has been promoting the anti-VSM campaign and the OUSA cause in his spare time, as well as offering first-years advice on tattoos. Not strictly OUSA-related, but we like it. 2.5/5
Ariana Te Wake Maori Students’ Representative.
No one said it, but Critic knew what they were all thinking: Ariana’s presentation was the absolute pits. It didn’t matter though, because Ariana was doing serious work. She is co-coordinating with Maori students and the Maori centre, and, from the sounds of it, appears to be doing a whole lot of networking at various social events. Networking is good. Ariana also gets an A+ for attendance at the Te Roopu Maori executive meetings – none missed to date. 3.5/5
The United States’ foreign policy has been a subject of much contention for quite some time; think the Cold War, Vietnam, Iraq. With the inauguration of President Barack Obama last year, the world’s perception of America has taken an about-turn with developments on nuclear proliferation and strengthening international trade relationships. Critic spoke to the American representative to New Zealand and Samoa, Ambassador David Huebner, about his own career and the issues affecting the United States at the moment.
You have a background in law and International trade and relations. Did entering the diplomatic corps seem like an obvious career path? No, no, the obvious career path was to continue practicing law [in Shanghai, China]. So, how did you decide to become an ambassador? Well, I was very excited by the Presidential campaign. I came to be a big admirer of the President during his campaign and what he was standing for and representing. In 1903, Theodore Roosevelt gave the advice “Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.” What is your philosophy on diplomacy? My philosophy on diplomacy is respect everyone and don’t be afraid to talk about common values. I think what binds people together is what they share and sometimes we don’t spend enough time talking about how similar we all are and where our cultures overlap and are similar. Having lived in the United States, China, and now New Zealand, how would you describe the varying outlooks for young people in these countries? I think the outlook for all three is very good if you are a good, motivated student because a good, motivated student is valuable anywhere. I know that from my law firm in China, I had a mix of Chinese and Americans, but I also had Germans working for me. So I think people can find work wherever they want to. As a small nation, it is in New Zealand’s interests to enter into free trade agreements. What is the likelihood of such an agreement eventuating between our two nations? We need to separate two issues really. One is a bilateral agreement and I think that is on hold, nothing is occuring on that for now because we are focused on the transpacific partnership, which is the eight-nation compact. The negotiations started a couple of weeks ago in Melbourne; those seem to have gone very well and so there is a reason for some cautious optimism, although trade negotiations are always very difficult so there is no way to predict. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev and Barack Obama signed a Nuclear Arms Treaty in Prague recently, which will go a long way in restricting the use of nuclear weapons. How do you assess the impact this will have on the greater global political environment? Well, it is certainly a good step forward and the thing that was most encouraging about it was the relative ease with which agreement was reached. I find it an extraordinary accomplishment that two countries
that appeared to have been locked in a cold war for two generations now have such warm and friendly relations that they could reach this kind of complex, landmark agreement so quickly and easily. The US Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is currently in China with the aim to lend weight to Chinese considerations of appreciating their currency. What effects do you see the potentially stronger yuan having on the trade relationship between your two countries? I think currencies have a natural level. When they float they reach that correct market level. There are many people who think the Chinese currency is being kept low which stimulates the Chinese economy – that may be unsustainable for everyone, including the Chinese, and I think if the currency’s float is more natural, I think it will actually strengthen trade relations between those two countries and between China and every other country they do business with because it will lead to more accurate pricing differentials of the respective countries’ products.
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irst-year Health Sci and Law students are possibly the most desperate people on the planet. Even the ones who start out ‘just keeping their options open’, or those who ‘thought they looked like interesting papers’ tend to end up a quivering wreck by the end of BIOC192 or LAWS101. Surveying students seem to be a generally more sensible lot, but they’re not immune to the anxiety of knowing that a decent percentage of their class won’t make it to second year. Desperation wafts on the breeze from the competitive entry strongholds of St Margaret’s, Carrington, and Knox. And there are predators out there for whom the stench of desperation is also the sweet smell of money to be made. As a first-year in a competitive entry course, you’re bombarded with offers that purport to be your best chance of maybe one day becoming a doctor, dentist, lawyer, surveyor, or whatever it is that tickles your fancy. There are apparently plenty of “third-year Med students with 100th-percentile UMAT scores” just waiting to help you on your way to the big money (or, you know, saving lives). For just half your weekly loan money, you could get the CHEM191 notes that helped someone get into second-year Dentistry! But on the other hand, your lecturers, tutors, and every other authority figure are telling you that it’s a waste of money: you’ll get all the information you need from course materials and texts, and it’s impossible to study for UMAT anyway. For those who have somehow managed to avoid hearing about it, UMAT is the Undergraduate Medicine and Health Sciences Admissions test. It’s administered by the Australian Council for Educational Research (ACER) on behalf of the UMAT consortium universities (of which Otago is one). It’s an aptitude test that ACER claims tests skills, relevant to health professionals, which have been developed over many years, and therefore can’t be studied for. It has three sections: section 1one ‘logical reasoning and problem
solving’; section two, ‘understanding people’; and section three, ‘non-verbal reasoning’. With all the conflicting information out there, most students don’t really know who to believe. Often it seems like you’d be better off to just buy everything in sight, because if you don’t, the people who do will have an unfair advantage. Considering the cost of many of these things, this is probably not the best idea in the long run. Another thing to consider is whether they could do more harm than good. If it hasn’t been prescribed by the faculty, there’s absolutely no promise that what you’re staking your future on is accurate or good quality. This is particularly true when it comes to buying someone’s old notes. I know that when I look back on my first-year notes, I tend to come across mistakes. Sometimes as serious as “Oops, on second thought maybe that’s the spleen, not the pancreas.” Almost everybody has mistakes, gaps, or additions in their notes, not to mention the fact that content changes year to year. Even if they’re perfect notes, there’s still another thing to remember: they probably won’t tell you anything you couldn’t have learned from the lectures, tutorials, and textbooks. There are even people who have set up business selling Health Sci notes. One example is the AptiTute books available from UBS for $35. There are two of these, one corresponding to HUBS191, and one to HUBS192. They basically seem to be a tidy version of the notes someone took in their Health Sci year. One student told Critic “There’s nothing in there that wasn’t in lectures, and there are some things missing. It’s only useful if you’re planning on wagging lectures.” Other copies have gone out in the recycling the day after purchase. The cost of these isn’t extortionate, however, so if you have trouble writing your own notes or making it to lectures, they could easily be worth it. By this point in the year, UMAT is on every HSFY’s mind.
The big day is in just over three months, and although first-semester exams are a more pressing concern, UMAT is maybe the most terrifying. After all, it’s a test you apparently can’t study for, which has a big impact on your future. Given the competitive natures of the vast majority of people sitting UMAT (with apologies to those who are really pretty easy-going folks who just happen to want to be health professionals), it’s hardly surprising that emotions run high about it. Rumours about how the University uses the scores, how they’re calculated, and how best to prepare for the exam, flood the residential halls. There are plenty of health professional students moonlighting as UMAT tutors, and also plenty of companies who will happily take your money. Some of these are ridiculously expensive: both Medentry and umatNewZ, two of the companies offering workshops in Dunedin, have options that cost over $1000. There are even people who will pay all the costs involved with going to Australia to do one of the courses available there. All of these courses allege that you can improve your score hugely by doing them. And yet ACER, which actually runs the test, insists “intensive preparation is not advisable or necessary.” The truth is probably somewhere in between. If you sit down on the day of the test and know what to expect, how much time you have, what the questions will look like, and what sort of answers they want, you’ll probably do significantly better than if you’d never seen anything like it before. But that sort of familiarity is easily gained from running through the official UMAT books of practice questions. These are available through the UMAT website for $35 Australian each, and there are two of them this year. This sounds like a lot of money, but if you get a group together and chip in, it’s really not – especially compared to shelling out $1195 for a ‘platinum’ course with umatNewZ. Talking to a group of students in any professional course, you quickly realise that no two of them prepare in the same way, despite the fact that they may all achieve high-percentile scores. There are always a few who spend big bucks on courses, and some who stroll into the test without having so much as thought about it beforehand. Most students that Critic spoke to who made it into the promised land were dismissive of the UMAT preparation courses, calling them a waste of time and money that just exploit gullible (and desperate) freshers. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that this is actually the case. ACER does not give any of the UMAT training providers any information that is not freely available to students; the teachers on these courses have no insider knowledge. In fact, MedEntry, one of the most popular, was started in 2003 by two medical student siblings, Ray and Ann Boyapati, whose primary qualifications were having done well in the UMAT in 2001 and 2003 respectively. UMAT training providers’ practice questions are often out of date, as the UMAT changes substantially from year to year. ACER, the Australian Medical Students’ Association (AMSA), the UMAT consortium universities, and other groups have repeatedly criticised these courses. In 2008, AMSA said they were “expensive, inequitable and don’t improve students’ chances of getting into medicine.” However, there are many students who have done these courses and found them helpful. The important thing in any competitive entry course is not to get caught up in the mass hysteria. The sharks are circling, waiting for that crucial moment of weakness so that, for $60 (actual TradeMe auction for LAWS101 notes), they can sell you something you could have written yourself. Stay sane and you’ll be fine. Stay truly sane and you might realise being a doctor/dentist/lawyer really isn’t worth it after all.
UMAT threshold, entrance is based on an interview. There are 60 places in second-year Medical Laboratory Science, and they are given out based on academic records and a UMAT score above a certain threshold. Getting into Med: There are three different ways to gain entry to second-year Medicine. Postgraduate entry is decided on grades in the applicant’s degree combined with their UMAT score, while in the ‘other’ category it’s based on a number of things including qualifications, academic results, professional experience, and an interview. For HSFY students, academic grades contribute 66 percent and UMAT 34 percent to the overall score. The grades from the applicant’s top seven papers (including the optional humanities paper) are counted, but a student must get at least a B in all the HSFY papers, and pass the very basic English diagnostic test. 234 places are available in second year.
The truth about … Getting into Law: If you’re the average LAWS101 student, the thing that counts is your grade in that paper. You need to have a decent grade (at least a B- average according to the law faculty website) in another 72 points in any subject you like. There is an alternative entry pathway for people who have done their first year at another university or have done a different degree. Also, Maori descent may be taken into consideration. 200 places are available in second year. Getting into Surveying: Entry to the second year of a Bachelor of Surveying is limited to 60 students. Admission is based on academic records. Getting into Dentistry: There are four categories under which students can apply for secondyear study. The first chance is after HSFY, then after the second year of university study, then as a graduate, and finally the ‘alternative’ category. In each category, entrance is decided by an oral assessment (interview), the UMAT, and academic grades. Applicants have to reach a threshold score on all three sections of UMAT, and a threshold level in the interview, after which entry is decided by grades. 54 places are available in second year. Getting into Pharmacy, Physio, and Medlabsci: These courses all have similar admissions categories to Dentistry. There are 120 places available in second-year Pharmacy, and admission is based entirely on grades. There are also 120 places in second-year Physiotherapy, but after reaching an academic and
Rural, Maori, and Pacific entry: There are slightly different procedures for entry to Medicine for people with Maori, Pacific, or rural backgrounds, because these groups are under-represented in the field. Especially with rural entry, the idea is that these people are much more likely to work in rural communities (or Maori or Pacific) when they graduate, where they’re desperately needed – and the research agrees. Someone who gets in through rural origins can be required by the medical school to do a year of rural immersion work during their clinical years. They are considered separately from the ‘normal’ category. Dentistry, Pharmacy, Med Lab Sci, and Physio also have separate sub-categories for Maori and New Zealand Resident Pacific Islanders, but no rural entry scheme. So, oft-repeated claims that they’ve “stolen” other people’s place in Med are not entirely accurate. Or simply not true. UMAT: The best source of information on UMAT is the ACER website. Anywhere else could be incorrect, outdated, or just keen to make money by scaring students into buying their products. There are many products, workshops, and tutorials available; most of them are overpriced, and some may even give you entirely incorrect information. Private tutors (i.e. people who have done it before) can be cheaper, but doing well in UMAT doesn’t mean they know how to teach other people to do it. Practicing with the official material can really help to familiarise you with what’s involved and how much time you have for each section, which can be important because time is tight. A lot of people reckon that doing lots of logic puzzles and IQ-type tests can help with the first and last section – the MENSA ones are particularly good. ACER recommend ‘wide and critical reading’ to help with sections 1 and 2 … but it could be getting a little late for that.
How to Fuck a Moose
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By Michael Tyler Jensen
ou’ve done it all. You’ve grasped a Drysdale ram by the horns and hammered away like a road worker. You’ve dropped trou and done the nasty with squirrels, chipmunks, gophers, marmots, rabbits, hamsters - if it squeaks, you’ve been there. You even got funky with an aardvark once when you had ‘ants’ in your pants. And now you’re bored. It’s all the same. A whole world of Darwinian delights, and it leaves you cold. Day in, day out, you can’t seem to find a critter to get your mojo humming, and you’re left - gasp - flaccid. What’s a nature-lover to do? I have a suggestion for you. The ultimate test of man versus wild; the final frontier of getting your end away. The natural selection. I won’t hold you in suspense. I’m not a jerk. Let’s do it. Let’s fuck a moose.
PREPARATION
I’m not messing around. If you’re not serious, then get the hell out. This is business. Have you ever seen a moose? I doubt it. They are enigmatic, elusive - like Pocahontas. You won’t see it - it will see you. And then, also like Pocahontas, it will take you down. It won’t just kill you: it will kill the fuck out of you. So if you want to leave a smear of anything other than brain matter on your intended beau’s antlers, you better wipe that grin off your face. This is life or death, shitface. You must start by training like Rocky. This is your only hope. Hone your body to sheer, unadulterated physical perfection. How many chin-ups can you do? A hundred? That’s pathetic. How about two thousand. Two thousand minimum, and you might just stand a chance. We’ll see. Remember, there is only one way to thumb-wrestle, and that is to crush your opponent’s entire goddamn fist into a bloody mash of bone and gristle. Train your mind. Train your spirit. Train your flea circus. Visualise moose. Dream moose. For practice, fuck a deer. Moose are kind of like big deer. Neither animal pluralises well. They both have a soft spot for romance. But the moose has an even softer spot for death.
GET THERE
Ten moose were released into Fiordland in 1910. Forget Fiordland. Fiordland moose are the lords of fear and death of this country. Fiordland will eat you. It ate Rambo. His have lain in the depths of Fiordland’s forests for over a century. And you do not bones even want to know what it had for dessert. Forget Fiordland. Let’s try Canada. In Canada you may have a hope of chancing upon a moose slightly dazed from recently eating a grow-op out of financial solvency. Can’t afford a plane ticket? That’s why God gave you arms. Swim there. If you can’t swim to Canada, you can just forget about ever getting down and dirty with that moose, because you are without a doubt a grade-A weenie. Canada is big. You think it’s all maple syrup and lumberjacks? Well yeah, but it’s a lot of maple syrup and lumberjacks. You will have to become Frodo. Canadian Frodo. There is a metaphor involving the One Ring and Mount Doom. But it becomes terminally confusing when you factor in Samwise and Smeagol. We will not pursue it any further. Pursue your moose. Search Canada. Seek, strive - and never yield. Remain vigilant for signs of the moose. Signs include: excrement (generous), footprints (earth-shaking), moss (licked), Canadians (gored). An impossible task? Consider this: ancient travellers sailed across the Pacific, pinpointing tiny spires of palm-licked rock speckled throughout an empty vastness of ocean. How? They watched the skies for island-nesting birds that indicated the proximity of an island. They used their brains. But they never fucked a moose. You will have to use more than your brain. You will know that you are in the presence of moose when your bowels involuntarily loosen and the smell of death seeps into the pores of your skin.
ONCE YOU ARE CLOSE
Stealth. Absolute stealth. You are a leaf hanging breathless from a branch. You are a drop of water clinging to a stone. You are Michael Jackson’s final dance move. It will be days before you so much as blink. Your eyes will callus and render you completely blind. What’s your problem? Helen Keller was blind. Do you think it stopped her from fucking a moose? Hell no. She was so hardcore. Many eons have passed. The moose appears. Majesty. Pure majesty. You are in the presence of a god of the old world. The King of Eternity. The Mayor of Timetofuckingdieville, population: your arse. This is the animal that Michael Douglas would ride, if only he wasn’t pretending to be straight. Its flank is slick with blood. Steam pours from its iron snout. Its eyes are cobalt, ruby, agate, emerald. The moose crushes the earth with legs that are spears of steel, tipped with daggers. And razor blades. And miniature trebuchets. The sky burns and the earth shrieks. Death. Pure death. The ultimate rush, the ultimate thrill. Did you remember your BFG? I pray to magumbo you did. You have exactly two seconds to raise it to your shoulders and pull the trigger before that moose is on you like jelly on lesbians. Dead lesbians. Don’t worry, the blast won’t kill the moose. What an idea. Kill a moose? Ridiculous. It will be startled - shocked by the mortal impudence you have shown it. And that is all you can hope to achieve.
A WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY APPEARS
Sieze it. Run. Sprint. You are Usain Bolt. So stop being such a slowpoke and run like you really mean it. The distance closes - metres fly under your feet, like fatties to an all-you-can-eat, as you near the looming, monumental body. It dwarfs you. It is a mountain. It is King Kong. And you are a midget Charlie Chaplin standing next to its toe. Swallow your fear. Dissolve it in stomach acid for two to six hours. Whip off your stripper pants. Pull out your grappling hook. Ascend the colossus. Mount it. There it is: the prize. Cavernous. The sides are as slippery as moose-licked moss. It is red and pulsating, like your grandmother’s haemorrhoid at critical mass. But this isn’t grandma you’re fucking. At least, not today. This is the real goddamn deal.
FUCK A MOOSE
Sublimity of sublimities. Rapture, transcendence, euphoria. Welcome to Eden. The rise and fall of desire. The implosion of passion. Fuck a moose.
HEY MAN CONGRATS NICE ONE
You have tasted a drop of godhood. You will live to be three hundred and sixty-four years old. You will weep diamonds. Babies you kiss will grow up to become Barack Obama. Yes, all of them. How many Obamas can the world handle? Good question. How many babies can you kiss? Next week: How to Fuck a Sandworm. You’ve been Paul Muad’dib now it’s time to become Paul Muad’dirty Motherfucker.
Toons by daniel alexander
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hey’ve taxed them, they’ve prohibited them inside bars and pubs, they’ve shown us nightmare footage of bleeding lungs and distended weeping sphincters, but do-gooder anti-smoking Nazis have one more trick up their sleeves. The health Gestapo at the University of Auckland has banned smoking on all its campuses and in all its outdoor spaces. It is removing all of its previously designated smoking zones and now, Otago has followed suit. Soon, Otago students will be forced to stand, not just outside, but at least six metres away from campus buildings if they want to smoke. Poor Maoris, I say! Around 40 percent of all Maoris smoke, compared to fuck-all percent of honkies. It should be clear to anyone that a ban on smoking will affect Maori students way more than other groups (except maybe Indonesians, who, as it seems, are allergic to fresh air). This latest episode of killjoy bullshit is a classic example of do-gooders fucking it up for the people they’re trying to help. A ban on smoking at Universities won’t stop people smoking, it will just alienate its smokers, a disproportionate amount of whom are Maori. Do Auckland and Otago Universities want to alienate their Maori students? I thought, if anything, they wanted to attract more Maoris (cross out the ‘s’ and add a macron if you must) into tertiary education. And now, I imagine, without any opportunity to quench their nicotine cravings on campus, Maori concentration levels will suffer, Maori test scores will suffer and they will become less employable. Who’s the racist now, eh? And, Jesus! Smoking is an excellent concentration aid. Even if it eventually causes cancer, you shouldn’t stop doing something because of what happens at the end. To quote Mitch Hedburg: “Doesn’t red wine give you a headache?” “Yeah ... Eventually ... But the beginning and middle parts are amazing.” I suppose now you’re gonna tell me that second-hand smoke kills endangered orphan lemur babies. Well listen here little priss, you can go home and keep suckling on your mummy. You can’t cover the earth in silk, so you better wear silk slippers. Inhaling second-hand smoke is as carcinogenic as sunbathing, or eating barbecue-blackened lamb chops (or falafel, if you’re actually one of those people who believe that dead animals have feelings). As far as cancer goes, you’d do better to ban fatty foods, like KFC, but then you’d really piss off the Maoris, wouldn’t you. Even Vice Chancellor Sir Professor (the Right Hon. git) David Skegg admits that “smoking in the open area constitutes no risk to other people, but there are frequent complaints about people smoking.” In other words, students who are causing no harm to anyone but themselves are being arbitrarily oppressed because busybody megalomaniacs complain about them. Perhaps I should complain that there are too many busybody megalomaniacs on campus and get them removed from public spaces! Besides all that, even if smoking is bad for your health, fascism is much worse. That’s for goddamn sho’!
I
t’s hard not to feel a little sorry for Simon Power. Spare a thought for the guy, having to read through all 402 pages of the Law Commission’s recent review of New Zealand’s Misuse of Drugs Act, which argued in favour of legalising medical marijuana and increasing the scope for leniency in the sentencing of recreational drug users. You can just imagine him squirming in his patent leather, parliamentary swivel chair, like a fundamentalist Christian who has been forced to read Darwin’s Origin of Species from cover to cover. His eyes glaze over as the rationalising part of his brain launches into overdrive to counteract the information flooding into the rational part. As a coping mechanism, he allows his mind to wander. He’s memorising the ingredients he needs to buy for dinner. He’s imagining his press secretary naked. The theme song from M.A.S.H. is playing in his head, over and over and over … By the time he’s finished reading, he is so exhausted that he says the first thing that pops into his head, which is, of course, the very line that his speechwriter prepared for him well before he gave the report the cursory, lazy, semi-literate skim-read he ended up giving it. “There is not a single solitary chance as long as I’m the Minister of Justice that we’ll be relaxing drug laws in New Zealand.” Okay. So, let’s grant that Simon Power is an ignoramus, who would happily hand a multi-billion dollar national industry over to criminal thugs in the name of getting “tough on crime.” Let’s grant that he is a hypocrite who has no desire to see a significant proportion of his friends, family members, and colleagues convicted on drug charges, yet pursues policies that would have just this effect if properly enforced. But … let’s not pretend that the Law Commission review itself is a beacon of enlightened drug policy. Let’s be clear: no one has the right to tell you what you can and can’t put into your body. Alcohol, cannabis, psychedelics, stimulants, opiates … it doesn’t matter. Some drug users need serious medical help. Others need glow-sticks and house music. Some just need a big bag of corn chips. None of them needs criminal convictions. The thing is, Simon, drugs can be rather good fun. There are some that I would personally recommend. Avoid the marijuana, though. What you need is more motivation Some drug users need serious and less paranoia.
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medical help. Others need glowsticks and house music.
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The latest polls have seen National’s support drop to below 50 percent for the first time in over a year. Support for the Greens and the Maori Party is up, showing that this is perhaps a response to the suggested increases in GST and the recent mining proposals. The proposals to increase GST are admirable, and show that the Government is interested in having a positive, long-term impact on the country. GST rises may come at the expense of some “political capital,” but this is worth it. GST is a tax on consumption, which differs significantly from income tax, which takes a portion of someone’s earnings. GST increases encourage people to spend less, while a complementary decrease in income tax will help to encourage people to earn more – with less of their effort going to the Government. Hopefully, changing this balance will encourage New Zealanders to earn more, to spend less, and save a little more of their income. GST does impact on poor people – the basic essentials will cost more, but this can be offset with a decrease in income tax at lower levels, or relative increases in welfare benefits for those who would be unable to afford what they need to survive. GST does have a big impact on the rich as well: those who spend large amounts of money on luxury goods are going to be hit by higher GST. Changing the tax balance and encouraging better financial behaviour in the long term is worth cashing in some popularity. Mining proposals, on the other hand, seem to be an unfortunate use of political capital. The proposals are still currently just that - proposals. And they were released for public comment, which is something every government should do. To ignore options is to prevent citizens having a say on what the country should do. Unfortunately, proposals are often taken as a given, as they sometimes are, and the mining proposals were leapt upon by environmental groups before the official papers were even released. Public sentiment, at least the vocal part, seems to be solidly against mining in National Parks. No matter that mining may be surgical, that it may provide a boost to the economy. But mining seems to have been written off without even balancing economic interests (which at this time are rather pressing) with the environmental effects, at a cost to government approval. Mining would only provide a short-term injection of money and jobs. It would be a big boost, but temporary, and a lot of it would end up offshore. When spending political capital, the long-term changes like GST are better-value buys than firing up many for the shortterm boost to national income.
Essential Characteristics of the Best Red Cards Sorry freshers, I’m not wasting my word count on explaining what a Red Card is. Stay the fuck away from the Octagon and I’ll consider it. A Good Idea: I know this is pretty obvious, but some people are just flesh waste. By good idea, I don’t mean “OMG let’s drink heaps and all wear HATS!” I mean something classy like ‘Goon Afternoon’ or Siamese Scrumpy hands. The best ideas are always the most original, though, so be creative. However, if you study something boring like Maths or Physics, you’re probably fucked because the chances are you have about as much creativity as homemade Mexican porn. Have a Cool Name: If you’re going to have an awesome Red Card then it needs an awesome name to go with it. Look at it this way – let’s say you want to have a ‘pizza and porn’ night (most likely with da boyz but girls do it too when they’re not having naked pillow fights and shit). It sounds like fun, but we want it to sound awesome. Instead, why not call it ‘Romantic Films and Italian Cuisine’? Shit yeah! Give me some of that! An Unreachable Amount of Alcohol: You’re doing a Red Card to get paralytic, not to sit around patting each other on the back after only finishing a 12-pack. Drink up, Scarfie! 20 standards is usually an unreachable goal for most people. However, if you’re one of those wannabe jocks with a mullet, low-riding pants, and a general mentality/ability of ‘C’s get degrees’ then maybe you should set it to 40 standards! OMG bro, so Scarfie!! Don’t forget to smash the bottles everywhere – that’ll show how awesome you are at drinking. A Token: This is a person outside of the group who takes part in the Red Card. Ideally not a spouse because that ruins everything. Try a fresher – they’ll be eager beavers and you can make them your bitch. Put them to good use like making them get you another drink or serving as human furniture. A Plot Twist: You know you’ve hit a good Red Card plot twist when you’re flatmates think “Oh ... fuck ...” For example, you tell everyone the Red Card is going to have a keg but then on the actual night you handcuff everyone to it and inform them that no one is allow to leave until it’s finished. What a twist!
Boy: Daisy came from Christchurch to Dunedin for a week. No strings attached, right? We meet at Albar on Sunday afternoon. We get drunk and kicked out of Albar, and stagger along to Pequeno. It’s deserted save ourselves, a bar tender, and his friend; they’re conversing in a foreign tongue. My date slurs, “You’re butchering the fucking language, that’s not how you speak Japanese. You’re both quite atrocious.” Stunned, they rebuke: “We’re speaking French.” Clearly, you could say anything to Daisy and she’d hear whatever she wanted. “Let’s go back to my place, I have more wine,” I say. We fall into bed and fool around. Halfway through, she requests another bottle of white. While my heart doesn’t swoon, there is an indelible similarity in our dependency. Days of the same follow. It’s Friday, she knocks back another bottle of Lindauer Brut in half an hour. What a champion, just as usual. Then she turns on me. “You’re not committed at all! It’s been a week, and you’re not taking our relationship seriously. In fact, you haven’t even mentioned that you’re going to move to Christchurch so we can be together.” It’s two in the morning and I wish I were in bed, but instead, I’m trapped in a car with a very strange cat. She continues, “In fact, you’re abusing me … just like my last boyfriend.” Then, it all comes out. Her ex was in his mid sixties (wtf?!). He was horribly abusive (that’s shit, guys should just be cool, like me). Over two hours she works up a story as to how I’m horrible. It’s partially true: I’m not moving to Christchurch, because it sucks, and I am just hanging out with her because she’s fun, we fuck, and she’s a great drinking buddy. But I’m not her ex-boyfriend, I won’t pretend to be, and I’m not her ‘knight in shining amour’. These three things are not for wise men. So I get out of the car, leave the keys in the ignition, and walk away. Ciao ciao bambina! Girl: Social incest is a pervasive problem in this insular, Antarctic town; before you know it you’re sleeping with your ex’s cousin and thinking: “How did I get here?” Daisy is a buddy of mine, and so is Bachelorette #1, who also used to date one of Daisy’s family members. Phew! I was snickering at Boy and his web of ‘love’, until I found myself at one of my closest friend’s flats and realised I had some kind of sexual past with 75 percent of the tenants. And, contrary to the impression this column gives, I’m usually a stay-home-with-a-book kind of girl.
Debatable is a column written by the Otago University Debating Society. They meet every Tuesday at 7pm in Commerce 2.20.
Matt: This month, the Dept of Internal Affairs started filtering New Zealand’s internet. It cannot compel ISPs to use the filter but most have agreed to. Regrettably, censorship of our internet is both principally and practically misguided. Firstly, censorship on the internet is very different to offline censorship. Currently, the Chief Censor must make public a list of all offline publications he finds “objectionable,” with reasons attached. However, when a website is censored, its URL is kept secret (to avoid publicising a directory of child porn) which means there can be no public oversight. We only allow censorship to override the core value of freedom of expression because we can discuss freely what is to be censored. Because we cannot do so with internet filtering, we cannot justify the risk of entrusting a bunch of ex-cops-turned-beaurocrats with the keys to the internet. The evidence speaks for itself: Australia’s filter has already been expanded to block sites “offensive to Aborigines,” false positives like charity www.canteen. com, and even forums which discuss the filter itself. Secondly, it places the onus on owners of sites erroneously blocked to prove their innocence and have it unblocked. This violates a fundamental of our justice system – namely the right to be presumed innocent until proven guilty. And even worse – the “independent reference group” for appealing web censorship includes two of the censors themselves! Thirdly, filtering of the internet is a practically unsound way of reducing the trade in child porn and catching the producers of such material. The people who produce child porn are not only morally deviant but technologically devious. They use peer-to-peer, FTP, proxies, password protection, and encryption to hide their crimes away from the world and will continue to circumvent measures taken to stop them. Filtering deals with a non-existent problem: the casual web surfer who stumbles on child porn – it simply doesn’t happen! Lastly, the vast majority of public objectionable material is hosted with law-abiding companies in North America and Europe who are simply unaware of its existence. We should spend the manpower and money on identifying and informing these hosts.
Should the Go vernm to Filte ent Be r Our Able Interne t Acce ss?
Viewing child pornography is currently illegal, but unfortunately it is difficult to police, and hence perverts continue to have their fun at the expense of innocent children. Internet filtering in its current form in New Zealand works to counter the viewing of child porn on the internet. If only for this reason, any other ideological objections to internet filtering must fall. New Zealand has a precedent for banning access to certain materials. The Films, Videos and Publications Act 1993 allows the Government to ban publications which support or condone certain “objectionable” material, which by definition includes child porn, bestiality, and a variety of other distasteful acts. The banning of such publications means that they may not be distributed in New Zealand, and thus people in New Zealand may not access them. It is under this Act that internet filtering finds its legal standing, and for now the banning of access to sites is limited to the objectionable material that is child porn. Some people are concerned that “for now” it is child porn being filtered, but it will soon be whatever the Government feels like censoring, while others are concerned about the incidence of false positives, i.e. sites being banned unnecessarily. As you have already heard, it is legislation that clearly defines what is filtered, and any extensions to filtering would clearly have to be amended into the Act through the democratic process. In addition to this, appeals can be made over the blocking of sites, and the filter is overseen by an independent reference group. Thus, the filter is accountable, and we will not descend into a 1984-style repression of expression. As for false positives, the filter works by manual addition of sites, rather than by keywords, so it is people rather than a machine deciding what needs to be filtered. By no means is internet filtering a solution to the problem of child porn, but I believe it is a good start. Emma:
It’s Pube-tastic!: The Sheet Shuffle on Elusive Trimmings
Trans-Siberian Orchestra The Lost Christmas Eve (2004, Lava)
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hristmas is a wonderful time, hampered only by the fact that we are doomed to hear the same old Christmas carols being played again and again. However, one group has dedicated itself to updating our stuffy festivemusic catalogue: the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, or TSO for short. Of course, TSO is not an orchestra at all, but in fact a group of technically-proficient musicians with a penchant for playing traditional Christmas songs in a symphonic-metal style – a sound they perfected on The Lost Christmas Eve, their final album in a trio of Christmas-themed concept albums dubbed the ‘Christmas Trilogy’. Running at almost 70 minutes, The Lost Christmas Eve is packed full of festive magic and instrumental prowess. The album contains many thrilling and long-overdue updates of traditional Christmas carols: you haven’t heard The First Noel until you’ve heard the melody being played simultaneously on two wailing guitars. There are also plenty of original tracks, such as Christmas Jam, Christmas Jazz, and Christmas Canon Rock, which prove that TSO can master any style (when played in the context of a Christmas-themed narrative). Over the course of 23 tracks, The Lost Christmas Eve weaves a rich tale about an angel sent from heaven to save a man who hates Christmas, his wounded heart leaving a trail of blood in the snow that only the angel can see. “Why can’t Christmas disappear / and pretend it never saw me?” vocalist Robert Evan laments in the heart-breaking What is Christmas?, his powerful tenor and intense emotion rivalling even the most expressive Broadway actor’s. Clearly this is a magical album, so why don’t we hear The Lost Christmas Eve being played as we go about our Christmas shopping? Perhaps adults were just too cynical to enjoy the album’s wide-eyed innocence and childish narrative, while children were too impatient to sit through the long and technical instrumental passages. Perhaps too many people dismissed it as some kind of elaborate joke (which, I can assure you, it isn’t) or simply proclaimed it “the shittiest bunch of shit you could ever possibly imagine” without opening their hearts to the Yuletide magic contained within. But despite their lack of fame, TSO still enjoy a small and loyal following (of mostly grown men) who truly believe that they are, in the words of one fan, “the best Christmas band in the world.” I find it hard to disagree.
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he extent of depilation etiquette weighs on every lady’s mind. Those curly hair follicles make you ponder matters of sexual identity and philosophy. Should my box be kept slickly make-out ready? Am I a woman of the wild bush because I don’t agree with the pressures of sexual aesthetics? In other words, what does my ability to wield a razor or drop a couple of dimes for a wax say about me? Call it wishful thinking, but I always imagined the intensity with which we groom our nether regions was a twentieth-century fabrication, which allowed me to paint ideals of our ancestors prancing around with lush shrubbery. My research quickly deflated this theory. From bronzed silky ancient Egypt to the velvety Roman Empire, trimming is not a fresh concept. Special plucking rooms in Turkish Baths and Roman bath houses harboured the culture of pubic hair removal. Smooth naked women in Renaissance and Greek art, as well as pornography, have been used as evidence that clipping was the norm. Unfortunately, pubes are historically associated with shame and dirtiness, which contributed to the popularisation of disposable razors in the 1920s. The curly cues were advertised as “unhygienic and unfeminine” and all of a sudden Gillette was in the money. And there are always changes in fashion: bikinis, mini-skirts … The more skin you show, the more sleek you go. Enough of the dry stuff. Let’s discuss styling the prepubescent vertical smile. Instead of hating on grooming, we could look at it as an erotic conversation with the self and with the lover. To tweeze, tweak, and shape the Toothbrush Mustache (the square version of the landing strip), the Mohawk (spiking the hair in the middle) or the Bald Beaver (going fully bare) could be a great occasion to get naked, spread the legs, and both indulge and invest in sexual shapes you’ll be excited to reveal. Think of the creams you could apply, the scents you could add to your own, the shapes you could stencil! Dunedin should develop its own unique aesthetic of the pube. Gucci addicts get the G, Valentine’s day requires the heart … but the boys and girls at the University of Otago should get their stencil out and do the Burning Couch. Find a good-looking someone with a fellow hair-shaped sofa and get on some bedtime blazing. Though I’ll maintain that it is completely unfair that men have the cultural prerogative to be completely lazy with their shapes, pubic shaping could be the newest, hottest erotic game. Get on your Burning Couches.
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e don’t really know much about Che Guevara. Let’s just admit it. Still, you end up coming across loads of latte-sipping weekend socialists wearing the man’s effigy on their chests. I guess you could argue this popularisation of the man in our generation is all Rage Against The Machine’s doing! In the ‘90s they practically single-handedly brought Guevara’s strain of revolutionary leftist politics to both everyday people and sheltered suburban pre-emo’s alike, with their political rap and scathing walls of distortion. At the same time, Rage even managed to rock hard enough for those more soft-headed of metallers to let down their normally immutable ideological guards. Guevara crept into their consciousness in between Tom Morrello’s rapid-fire solos, buzz-saw scratching, and other sonic contortions. The infamous photo taken during a funeral of Guevara sporting his iconic beret, unkempt hair, and sternly optimistic physiognomy is now one of the most merchandised images in the world - hats, posters, t-shirts, hoodies, and yes, even bikinis have been imprinted with the ‘face of the Cuban revolution’. The veneration he receives (rather arbitrarily) as a symbol of liberation, makes it very difficult to separate the man from the myth and get to the truth - particularly when new films like Che: The Argentine are being made to cement a sympathetic form of the man in the popular mind, as a symbol of liberation and righteous struggle. If your research takes you past watching the newest Che film, you’ll find out there are some conflicting perspectives on his life and ideals. He may have been cruel and capricious: executing at whim, jailing more political prisoners than the Stalin regime as a percentage of population when in power, and holding ideals based in sadism and oppression rather than liberation. The flipside of this is that, with the popularisation of his image as a symbol of liberty and the resistance of oppression, it’s hard to figure out if this is true, or nothing more than conservative white noise. In any case, the media operates to make this character as simple, palatable, and obfuscated for people as possible, so the t-shirt sales won’t dry up. So, why are people wearing it if they don’t know enough about him? I dare say, most just nodded their heads along with Zac De la Rocha as he spewed out anti-American vitriol, lined up to buy a t-shirt, and fantasised that they were rebelling against, well, whatever they wanted.
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he ODT devoted almost the entire front page of Regions section on Wednesday to some guys and their couch. So these mutts, right, judge this dog competition and they do this from a couch on a hill overlooking this paddock. They’ve done it for years. That is the entire story. Oh, wait, no, the ODT has found a way to drag it out. Why? We don’t know. How? By discussing the history of the couch. Seriously. It used to be in Les Still’s living room (no idea who he is – this is the first and last mention of this person). Johnny Bell reckons it’s from the 60s. Richard Robinson agrees “it was from the free-love era.” What the shit? It’s a couch for sops on a hill! If you want to do a story about dog trials, ODT, do a story about dog trials. But then, if you think the only way you’re going to hook readers is by talking about a couch, maybe don’t. The ODT also has this new ad campaign trying to sell subscriptions. They’re going down the whole ‘times are tough’ route. “You can’t put a price on how much we have saved with the ODT!” the ad says. There’s, like, this lady – the matriarch of the Hamill Family, we’re told – who just loves the ODT and being such a valued subscriber. “I don’t know how other people manage without it,” she says in amazement. Her daughter won $500 in some story competition! An ad they saw saved them $50 on soil! Her husband has saved lots on sudoku books! And years cleaning her windows with the paper must’ve saved her hundreds! What about up-to-date current affairs and hard-hitting journalism? When you’re trying to sell your paper and the only good things you can promote are the competitions, the ads, the sudoku puzzle, and the fact that it can be used as window cleaner, then times must indeed be tough.
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alaysian cuisine is a very general term that may be applied to anything from ‘tau foo fah’ (soy bean curd pudding) to ‘mamak rojak’ (mixed vegetables and fritters tossed in a spicy sauce). The amalgamation of the various cultures in Malaysia resulted in culinary blending and borrowing, and it is the diverse array of cuisines that are all identified as ‘local Malaysian cuisine’ that makes Malaysia unique. The Rainforest (95 Filleul St) offers the Indian, Malay, and Mamak varieties of Malaysian cuisine. Away from the hustle and bustle of George Street, The Rainforest is a cosy little place to escape to and enjoy a leisurely lunch or dinner. They have a good selection of popular Malaysian dishes and most of the favourites are offered on the lunch menu for a reasonable $10. As an added boon, groups of students dining at night get free roti for starters. I dropped by one evening, hungry and tired after work. By the end of the meal I was so full that I felt as though I could have rolled myself home. We started with a tasty mamak rojak which consisted of all the usual ingredients plus fried fish balls, a rather unusual but harmless addition. My favourite ingredients in mamak rojak are the fried tofu and fritters, which are especially delicious when slathered in the spicy, nutty rojak sauce. To wash that down, we sipped on teh tarik (directly translated as ‘pulled tea’), which is basically frothy tea and sweetened condensed milk and has a distinct taste that must come from a particular type of tea. The teh tarik was smooth, subtle, and had that lovely faint, bitter aftertaste that tea has. It was soothing and exactly what I needed to unwind. We then attacked our mains – the mamak mee goreng and the beef rendang. Both were spicy and very tasty. The mamak mee goreng was well stir-fried, which is important, and was laden with hunks of meat and vegetables. The beef was tender and the rendang sauce was slightly sweet, thick and rich with flavour, as it should be. All in all, it was hearty and satisfying meal and I plan to visit again to try some of their other dishes. It is a true relief to be within easy reach of some authentic Malaysian food this far south in the world.
Half of last week’s Minced Meat & Tofu recipe was cut off in an error made in the editing stages. Luckily, Tien-Yi Toh blogs, so you can find the full recipe by checking out feedthetien.blogspot.com. We apologise to anyone who tried to cook with the recipe we provided. It would have tasted really yuck.
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ou know what really grinds my gears? An Executive of 17 people. Honestly, it’s like herding cats. Before I continue this rant column, here’s the disclaimer: the 17 Executive members you elected are fantastic. They have all been putting in a lot of hard work for you guys (minimum 230 hours/ week total in fact), which you can read about in this week’s issue. And next week – because there are so many of them that their reports have to be split across two weeks. Full reports can be found at ousa.org.nz. As well as an ever-growing Executive, the University roll has also drastically increased this year – by roughly 1000 students. Money, which comes from your fees, makes this University go round. However, if our fine institution wasn’t funded by the Government, your fees would be a lot higher. But, herein lies a problem: the Tertiary Education commission sets the University of Otago a target and with those 1000 extra students we are exceeding it, meaning there are students here that aren’t subsidised by the Government. The costs have to come from somewhere – have a guess who they are going to be passed on to. Even worse than imminent fee rises, if our roll keeps increasing, the Government has indicated it may penalise the University by cutting funding to incentivise the reduction of enrolments. If you were the Vice Chancellor, what would you do? Turns out Sir Professor David Skegg has asked us that very question - there is a big debate about limited entry going on. The Government, conveniently, thinks the cause of the problem is interest-free student loans. If interest went back on to our loans, supposedly there would be more money to fund Universities. I personally think University Entrance is a joke – 42 credits? Really? That’s below a Level 3 pass. In my opinion, if UE was a decent challenge it would ensure that everyone at University was prepared enough to succeed, would act to incentivise students to work hard at high school and really want to be at University, and would naturally limit enrolments. While it is my job to speak for students at the University Council when this decision is made, I need your help. Whether or not you agree with me, I need to know so I can adequately represent your views. If you also think the Exec is too big, I need you to vote when we put alternative proposals to the student body. Write a letter to Critic, come to SGMs when we ask for your opinions on this, and/or email me your thoughts I personally think University – these debates (and the many Entrance is a joke – 42 credits? more to come) are Really? important ones.
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a arahina e ahau te rere a taku waka o Te Arawa. Timata mai ana i te tihi o Tarawera Ka titiro whakamuri e au ki Te Rotorua-nui a Kahumatamomoe Ka tu ko Tarukena, ka tu ko Parawai, ka tu ko Waiteti Tihei Mauriora Kia Ora ko Rewiri Newton ahau, ko Te Arawa, Ngati Awa me Ngai Te Rangi oku Iwi. I am currently a first-year student at Otago University studying for my Bachelor of Commerce, majoring in Marketing Management with Tourism as a minor, conjoint with a Bachelor of Arts majoring in Maori Studies and minoring in Dance Studies. I have always shown so much interest in coming to Otago and it has finally become a reality. The driving forces behind this dream were my principal at Te Kura Maori o Nga Tapuwae and receiving the Top Maori and PI Entrance scholarship. Adjusting to the cold climate down here was hard at first but I’m getting use to it. Competing in three world hip hop dance championships has seen me start up my own dance classes, which was another dream of mine. Classes are free for the whole season and I recommend those who just want to have fun and get on the dance floor to come and join in. Becoming a part of the Te Roopu Maori student association team is really cool; this is a resource that will help set the foundations and future plans for my years to come here at the University of Otago. Thank you and study hard, as they always say. Noho ora mai. TRM events: KAPA HAKA: Tonight, 7pm on the ground floor of Te Tumu – School of Indigenous, Maori and PI studies right next to Castle lecture theatre. We’ve been learning new songs every week, so don’t be shy come down and have some fun! BALL COMMITTEE: We’ll be having our first ball committee meeting for the year. This Wednesday 7pm at the TRM Whare. So If you’ve got some good ideas for a theme, a venue, live music and food come on down and help us plan one of the biggest events for the year. Last year was a hit! GAMES NIGHT: May 12, venue and time to be confirmed but it’s another one of our non-alcoholic events, like Boy and Easter Church service. The idea is to have a pot luck dinner then afterwards play some board and card games – cranium, kings and a*******/scum, Scategories and much more. If you have any suggestions let us know at teroopu.maori@otago.ac.nz.
DESIGNED BY DANIELALEXANDER iNVESTIGATED BY KATIE HAYES
Letter of the Week
wins a $30 book voucher DESIGN A REVOLUTION
I read in Critic a couple weeks ago about the Design department’s head being on the block. It saddens me that the university will choose such a brute and unreasonable approach to the matter, keeping us in the dark until it’s too late. This is the time I would expect students to react! Seriously guys, closing down your department while you’re only halfway done with your degree is no better than the university selling you a newspaper and wiping their ass with it before giving it to you! A university is both an institution for education and a profit organization, and it seems the top brass has decided to embrace the most profitable part of the concept. Don’t let these wankers throw you and your degree’s credibility aside like a smelly towel. Object! Fight back! I implore all of the politically active student organizations, as well as any other organization interested in student affairs to join together and mobilize a protest unlike anything the University has ever seen! Hoping to read about arrests and public outcry very soon. -Robert Dahl-Olsen TAX THE FAT
Dear Ross of ‘Debatable’, How about we introduce a fat tax and ditch GST on food basics? That way the healthy food option seems more attractive because it’s cheaper, and there is also money to pay for all the fatties who can’t use traditional hospital beds so have to have big ones made for them! Aside from this, we can also educate people on healthy living, this means those fun little brainwashing education programmes in the early years of primary school, and then just reinforce it each year with more education programmes and on television! You can even just get the teachers or volunteers to do it! that way you don’t even have to fork 42
out extra money! How does that sound? Cheaper healthy food, fat tax to pay for all the fatties getting heart disease and taking up space in hospitals and also healthy living education! I don’t see why this whose thing is so difficult really. Lots of love, D. Ross PS: Your magazine gave me a paper cut, I am sad and my pinky finger hurts :( THE MINING DEBATE SPILLS OVER FROM FACEBOOK INTO… LETTERS!
In response to But it’s MINE! from unconcerned resident/bag of dicks. Before you get on your high horse and start spouting off about the benefit of mining NZs national parks, maybe you should first make sure your figures are at least within the same country that the ballpark resides. 18 billion dollars of revenue? I’m curious as to where this figure comes from. There are 3 main kiwi mining companies that I am aware. Last year Solid Energy made around 650 million, and put 6.5 million of this back into the NZ economy (a decent price for destroying the Ngakawau river). Pike river coal reported a loss of 125 million, due to tunneling in the wrong direction (experts of the mining craft are us Nzers). I don’t care about taranaki oil and gas, as thats not what they are talking about mining. So of the profit from mining, NZ gets a big fat 1%. Yes our govt wants to sell our mineral wealth for 1% of its value. Thats like selling your 1 dollar chips for a cent. There is no “government owned mines”. If you really truely want to be comparable to Australia, do us a favour and fuck off and live there. We are not Australia and never will be. More people live in Sydney than our whole country. No one gives a shit if you dig a hole in the middle of the outback. But hey this mining idea is a great solution to solving unemployment in Reefton and Thames, the whole of NZ should suffer to give employment to these meccas. But in a more agreeable tone, I do believe obesity in NZ is a problem, maybe Gerry Brownlee should concentrate more on his zumba than trying to rip us all off. Sincerely Brownlees 5th Chin MORE GRUMPY LUMPS
Dear Unconcerned Resident a.k.a Capitalistnational-voting-self-interested-wanker.
Go fuck yourself. Are you sucking off Gerry Brownlee or are you actually naturally this much of a tool? I would like to introduce you to a little thing we call intrinsic value, not everything has to have revenue tied to it to be worth something. If you care so much about the wage gap why don’t you piss off to Australia, they deserve ignorant fuck wits like yourself. I actually feel that putting you way down a mine in the middle of the Australian outback and then filling it would be a great success for New Zealand. Fondest, Emma AND MORE…
Dear Unconcerned Resident While sitting in my bandwagon the other day was reading the critic, and spotted your letter. WTF. Mining our National Parks is okay because it will make us more like Australia. Have you ever heard the Aesop’s Fable about the dog and his reflection? You know the one which kinda goes like this: Dog gets bone. Dog sees reflection in river which has bone. Dog gets greedy and opens mouth to bark dropping his bone into river and shattering the reflection. What about the one about the tortoise and the hare? You know cause once all that there gold is mined and the area is pretty much a desolate wasteland there aren’t going to be more jobs to be had then are there? So your suggestion we foolishly pursue short term wealth over the interests of the long term is just, well stupid really. If you were thinking long term you would be visiting www.greens.org.nz/mining to find out how to let Gerry know that mining high value conservation land is a silly silly idea and that he should stop even dreaming about it (Cause his underpaid cleaner is sick of washing the drool out of his pillowcase.) High Horse Rider SHE HAS OUR VOTE
Dear disgruntled fashion critique, I’m not sure if this occurred to you, but perhaps most people don’t actually give a fuck what the skeletons in Milan are wearing. However, thanks to your helpful advice I will remember this the next time I’m in the link; left leg forward, then the right leg...left leg again..sometimes you even have to turn! P.S there is a subtle but annoying difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ Tyra for President
STUDENT GENERAL MEETING Room 13 May at 12 noon, Main Common of the University Union Building or outside if weather permits. ion of The agenda items will include: elect on; Student General Meeting chairpers ent Stud ious prev minutes of the General Meeting; reception and rt acceptance of the 2009 Annual Repo of the Association, etc.
YOU GUYS SHOULD ARM WRESTLE
Mr Hercus. Indeed the ladies are stoked. Or rather, they would be if any genuine compliment wasn’t relegated to “just another player” after the 1st XV keep attempting some insincere ‘line’ that Dazza read about in a magazine. I merely wanted to assure any lady that happened to read your ample margined and jumping argument that while entitled to your opinion you do not speak for all mankind, perhaps a significant and mono-browed many, but not all. You’ll find indecipherable snobbishness and pretention in any large organization from fashion, art and music to professional sport, Apple Inc. and the Catholic Church; the list goes on. Just because an outsider can’t appreciate or negotiate the quagmire of insider details, doesn’t invalidate them or automatically make them ‘stupid’. A grunt and firm two second handshake. -Ham Lorgelly p.s. Call me a metro sexual if you must, but I assure you, all my shoegasms come from the thing that matters-naked ladies. Fashion is great; it?s better on the floor. Visual foreplay ;). IF THEY WEREN’T CONCERNED THEY WOULDN’T HAVE READ IT AND THEY WON’T READ THIS
In response to Edward Greig’s article in his ‘The Conservatory’ column (Critic article issue 5). For those of you concerned (or not concerned with VSM), Edward Greig (who supports VSM) believes that this bill will “provide increased accountability to members and freedom for students.” This is incorrect. There will most likely be no student association in the first place, for exec members to be accounted for. And secondly, students will have less freedom and opportunities to take advantage of the services that OUSA provide at the moment, and to voice their opinions towards the University. Let’s make one thing clear here. OUSA is paid for by students, and is independent of the University. Students have no say in what happens within the University, but have all the power in OUSA. Evidence from other countries which implemented a similar bill to VSM (notably Australia) shows that student unions became underfunded, which means money must be
sought from other sources. Other student unions perished altogether, because of limited funding. With regards, Rawiri Tapiata WE’LL PASS THAT ON TO THE LOVELY LADIES
It’s great that the campus shop has more gluten free stuff, would be grander if they could get in some sea salt and vinegar delites. Yours sincerely, Customer. CAPS = ANGRY PERSON
Every day there is a battle to find parking around Otago University. It is galling to see cars parked 2-3m apart or from driveway entrances, or angle-parked atop the white line. The owners of these cars, mainly students, are showing disrespect and their incompetence at parking (and if they don’t care about parking, they certainly won’t care how they drive either). Walk down Leith St Central, as I do every day, and see just how many more cars could have parked there if all of the cars were less than a meter apart and none were more than a meter from a driveway entrance or the culdesac entrance. A car can be maneuvered into a parallelparking space only 20cm longer than the car... I’ve done this often enough. There is absolutely no reason to park with any more than 70cm between your car and the one in front or behind. The DCC parking section states that inconsiderate parking is not a ticketable offence. It certainly should be. Could someone patrol at least the universitycontrolled streets and put big pink triangular stickers stating in big bold letters THIS VEHICLE IS INCONSIDERATELY PARKED. PLEASE PARK PROPERLY IN FUTURE. SPACING SHOULD BE 1 METRE MAXIMUM Regards Andrew Grebneff
STUDENTSOUL Cafe church for students. Ser vice Sunday 25 April 7pm, George Street School Hall. Speaker: Andrew Harrex. Thinking about ANZAC Day. Contact Helen Harray, 027 4730042.
DUNEDIN FILM SOCIETY SCREENING April 21: McLaren Dazzlers. Programme 1 of Canadian animation genius Norman McLaren’s most dazzling masterpieces (including the Academy Award-winning anti-war short film Neighbours). Screenings begin at 7.30 pm in the Red Lecture Theatre. Free to full members. Three-movie passes available. Website: dunedinfilmsociety.tripod.com
DANCE SENSATION South Island 2010 Ceroc Dance Championships. Hosted by Aaron Gilmo re of Dancing with the Stars fame, special guests Myles Munroe and Tess Cunningham, Canadian West Coast swing champions. Saturday 24 April, 7.00 11.00pm. The Lion Foundation Aren a, Edgar Centre, Dunedin. Students $15 from Ticket Direct: ticketdirect.co.n z; sichamps.co.nz
NOTICES POLICY Notices must be fewer than 50 words in length and must be submitted to Critic by 5pm on Tuesday before you want it to by run. You can get notices to us emailing critic@critic.co.nz or e. bringing them to the Critic offic from We accept five notices a week other non-profit organisations and ’t aren that ps grou ted student-rela looking to make a bit of dosh.
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Wii Tennis vs PONG
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ii Tennis is one of the games offered in the Wii Sports package. It consists of swinging a Wii Remote like a tennis racquet, with the effect of bouncing a virtual ball back and forth across the gaming area. Now, it feels like I have seen this before … wait! I have! It’s the classic arcade game PONG. PONG was in homes being enjoyed by families before I was born. It was released as an arcade game in 1972, and a home version, released for Christmas in 1975, became the first commercially successful video game ever. PONG’s game-play, like Wii Tennis, consists of bouncing a virtual ball back and forth, and offers many features that Wii Tennis does. A player can play against the game, or against another player, but can not play with another player on their team. Here is the question: how much better is Wii Tennis than PONG? Wii Tennis is much more visually stimulating; however, it does require more physical activity. This added physical activity would not be a negative if it weren’t so dangerous. The number of televisions that have been destroyed by flying Wii Remotes and the number of black eyes caused by the wild flailing of a player trying to hit that virtual ball are testament to this. Are the extra graphics worth the price of welcoming this violence into one’s home? PONG is a quieter game. A player simply sits in front of the monitor and controls their “paddles” with controls that risk neither destruction nor injury, and are unlikely to accidentally maim one’s friends. It is not as exciting and daring, but delivers the same principal game-play Wii Tennis does. In the end, though, the choice is yours: will you approach what is essentially one game in two guises from the daring and manic Wii end, or the discreet PONG of tradition? There might even be some sort of hidden life metaphor there. You should find out.
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Jakob
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fter dominating the darker side of the New Zealand musical landscape in the 2000s with critically acclaimed albums, a European tour with ISIS, and appearances at South By South West in the USA, Jakob have been conspicuous in their recent absence. In a country where quality acts are criminally overlooked in favour of mediocre fare, breaking such momentum is detrimental, but this was not a decision the band made consciously. “When we returned home and started writing material for our new album ... Jeff’s [Boyle; guitar] wrist popped up, which sidelined us completely!” explains Maurice Beckett, Jakob’s bassist. With time needed for Jeff’s surgery and recovery, the other members spent time on other projects as well – Jason Johnson toured as Tiki Tane’s drummer, and Maurice worked on his solo project Desbot. With Jeff’s wrist now healed, and the band having performed a few shows in their hometown of Napier “just to test the water,” Jakob are ready to roll – and it “feels great to be getting on the road again.” Their experiences touring with ISIS and travelling the world have certainly stood the band in good stead as they recommence their path to world domination. “ISIS has shown us you need to work hard at getting your music out there, the live performance has got to be very strong, and the more the band can do for themselves the better – it will save you some money!” says Maurice. However, the influence of that act doesn’t extend towards Jakob’s music. “I don’t think the next record we make will sound like ISIS or any other band in that genre, it will still sound like us and we will always try to expand on our sound in one way or another, but they have definitely reconfirmed our love of a heavy riff!” Not only will you be able to hear tracks from Jakob’s forthcoming album on the tour, including ‘Magna Carta’, a highlight of their recent shows, but also Maurice performing solo as Desbot for the first time in Dunedin. The project is both musically inspired by artists such as Peter Jefferies circa 1996, as well as by acts such as Earth, Floor, Sunn O))) and Black Boned Angel. Maurice explains it as “basically distorted drones done with a bass.” Desbot is as experimental as it is practical, though – “I like the idea you can pack all the back line into a car on your own.” So if the past dares repeat itself for Jakob, rest assured Maurice has his future-proofing sorted. Jakob perform with Mountaineater and Desbot at Refuel on Friday April 23.
The House of Capricorn Sign of the Cloven Hoof Self
There are two types of stoner rock bands. The first doesn’t like being labelled a stoner rock band; the term implies that they sound like a second-rate copy of Kyuss or Sleep, the two progenitors and most lauded groups of the genre. The second doesn’t mind being labelled a stoner rock band, as Kyuss and Sleep are the greatest musicians to have ever walked the Earth. After listening to Sign of the Cloven Hoof, I would certainly put THoC in the former category, as this new release is far more ambitious than the usual stoner rock fare. Sign of the Cloven Hood shows influences from outside of the traditional confines of the genre. Musically, THoC draw influence from stoner rock’s junkie stepbrother, sludge. The grooves on this album are slow and defined, leading to some seriously pronounced grooving on tracks like ‘A Devilish Manifesto’. Thematically, Sign of the Cloven Hoof borrows Satanic and occult themes from heavy metal’s most “evil” subgenre, black metal. The House of Capricorn succeed in stepping over the usual boundaries of stoner rock. Songs are well-defined, dynamic, and thoughtfully written, and the combination of genre standards and outside influence is at no time cheesy or overbearing. Sign of the Cloven Hoof is sure to appeal to those beyond fans of one of hard rock’s most conservative subgenres. 42
Ring the alarm
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ust under a month ago, shockwaves went through Dunedin’s music community as iconic venue Sammy’s was shut down. The rumour mill ran rife, conspiracy theories were thrown around, sensationalist newspaper articles were hastily put together, and everyone seemed to have completely different versions of the full story. Speaking to manager Sam Carroll on the eve of Sammy’s reopening, it seems the simplest explanation is the right one. “They wanted more smoke alarms – they are being installed now, and they cost heaps!” The temporary setback was a hiccup in what has been an intense ride for Sam and his crew. Coming from a history of promoting and producing parties on Waiheke Island, as well as managing an inflatable activity centre in Ireland, his role in running Sammy’s was destined. Despite being aware of the space from his first time in Dunedin, it wasn’t until Sam was studying at Otago University that the penny dropped. “I rang Sam Chin ... and said I wanted to rent his venue. He told me how much it was to hire for the night, and I said, ‘What about ten years or so?’” From there the trajectory of Sammy’s has been up and up. From their opening gig with Overproof Soundsystem and former local heavyweights Renegade Sound in 2008, to starting their signature nights such as Willy Wonky, Nice Up, and The Dirty, and having record crowds for nights solely comprising Dunedin artists, Sam has championed local and national music culture above and beyond the call of duty. It is little surprise that Phoenix Foundation’s Sam Scott called Sammy’s “the best venue in New Zealand.” However, it is how Sam’s story has circled in on itself that provides the biggest highlight for him – from throwing parties for his friends on Waiheke, to seeing his “classmate for our entire Waiheke High School life, Optimus Gryme, come and take attendances at Sammy’s to the next level.” Witnesses to the 650-strong crowd at Optimus Gryme’s Orientation concert this year will no doubt share the elation. Sammy’s reopens as a live venue this week, with performances from Taos, Oleh, Syrus, Booof, and The Nice Up crew ready to warm up the system again. So get along, buy a t-shirt, and support the cause. Let’s keep this place open for another century. Taos April 22. With support from Oleh, Booof, and Syrus. Tickets: $10 Willy Wonky – Wonky Garden of Earthly Delights April 23. Tickets: $10 The Nice Up April 24. Tickets: $4.20
Automorphosis Directed by Harrod Blan
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magine driving to work every day in a giant telephone, or a yacht, or a van covered in 90 000 pennies. The subjects of the documentary Automorphosis have transformed their vehicles into works of art. Director Harrod Blank travels around America to explore the art car communities, from Portland, Oregon, and the Bay Area to Texas and St Louis, talking to people about the stories behind their automotive creations and finding out what drives them. So, what do people’s cars say about them? One woman starts out with a Volkswagen Beetle decorated in trash called the Litterbug, which she later converts to the Stink Bug, covered in a mosaic of old cigarette butts. A man with a life-long fascination with telephones drives around in a great big phone car, but to our surprise dresses up as a phone superhero to boot. A German immigrant hamburger enthusiast spent all his money converting his motorcycle into the world’s most delicious hamburger-mobile. These are the collectors who proudly display their hobby on the body of their car for the world to see, but some of my favourite autos are the ones with built-in functionality. There’s Blank’s own creation, a van covered in thousands of old cameras attached in a mosaic pattern that resembles a camera. Blank drives around snapping photos of people’s surprised faces from built-in buttons on his dash. Their reactions are funny; maybe yours will be too when you watch this great film.
Anne Perry — Interiors Dir. Dana Linkiewicz
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ho is Anne Perry? Under that name, your mum might know her as the British lady who wrote all those historical detective novels. But through this intriguing documentary, we discover that Anne Perry used to be Juliet Hulme, the girl who, along with her best friend Pauline Parker, killed Pauline’s mother in the Christchurch Botanic Gardens and whose story was the subject of Peter Jackson’s film Heavenly Creatures. Perhaps contrary to what you might expect of a convicted murderer, Perry is aloof, reserved, and, above all, hyper-controlled. Her lack of warmth gets to the point where you hear her best friend saying that she loves her and they’re kindred spirits, and you wonder why, when Perry shows practically no human emotional side whatsoever. Actually, it’s surprising that she has a best friend, since her relationship with other people (even her brother) is one of a lady and her staff. But despite this, you still find yourself drawn in, intrigued by the glimpses of humanity we see through the chinks in her defensive wall of isolation. In some ways, the film takes on some of Perry’s characteristics. Each shot is beautifully composed, considered, and controlled, taking full advantage of the often bleakly beautiful Scottish countryside in which Perry lives out her seclusion — but each shot is also distanced, holding the viewer at arm’s length, just as Perry does. The film may be called Interiors, but if anything it shows how hard it is to show what’s inside you, especially when what’s inside is a secret as dark as Perry’s. 43
Bronson Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn
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ronson is a biopic about Michael Peterson, aka Charles Bronson (played by Tom Hardy), England’s most violent prisoner. Don’t watch this film if you don’t like violence, as it contains graphic and disturbing images. As a young man, Peterson is sent to prison for seven years, where he builds a name for himself as a vicious fighter. He feels at home in prison and compares it to a hotel. Peterson thrives on the attention from the chaos he creates; the most common image in Bronson is the protagonist happily brawling with about four prison guards until he is subdued – and he makes them work for it. Bronson loves attention as much as he loves to fight, which leads to his celebrity status as the most expensive and difficult prisoner in England’s history. Outwardly he eats up the attention, and it’s a point of pride that it takes so many guards to corral him and that it costs the government so many pounds to clean up the mess that he makes. But on the inside his soul is suffering. His addiction to fame comes at a tremendous cost, and as a result his freedom is severely limited, even by prisoner standards. He ends up spending most of his time in a mental hospital, and solitary confinement. The very thing that gives him satisfaction traps him a never-ending spiral of hate and violence; he is the artist of his own demise. The most shocking thing about Bronson is the futility of it all – his suffering is so avoidable and he’s given so many chances. Bronson remains in prison to this day.
Fish Tank Directed by Andrea Arnold
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ish Tank is a painfully realistic film about the often deadend lives of the British lower class. It focuses on 15-yearold Mia (played by previous unknown Katie Jarvis, whom the director found arguing with her boyfriend at a train station). She lives with her younger sister and a mother whose only attentions towards Mia are tirades of insults and abuse. She is a school drop-out, and seems a no-hoper, venting her anger with angry outbursts and violence. But it is obvious Mia has a heart. She loves animals – one of her crimes is her attempt to free a chained horse with which she identifies. She practises hip-hop dancing (in a windowed room which resembles a fish tank) with passionate determination. She is, too, intrigued by her mother’s charming new lover, Connor (Michael Fassbender), who shows her rare kindness. The relationship between the two develops, and when Mia’s hope is inevitably shattered it is heartbreaking. However, the story is really about Mia’s potential. In a beautiful scene near the end, Mia nearly succumbs to a brutal revenge on Connor, but can’t bring herself to such cruelty. Her goodness hasn’t been destroyed by her circumstances, despite appearances. If you’re looking for any optimism in this film, this scene is the closest you will get to it. All of Fish Tank – the characters, plot, acting – is so involving you can’t help feeling as bitter about Mia’s situation as if it were real – which it easily could be. Fish Tank is an eye-opener, undeniably depressing, but moving.
Herb & Dorothy Directed By Megumi Sasaki
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ome films just make you feel good, and this is one of them. A must-see film for art-lovers, Herb & Dorothy is a story about how a seemingly ordinary couple builds one of the most extensive and valuable collections of modern art in the world. Herb and Dorothy Vogel aren’t wealthy – he worked at the post office, and she was a librarian. But ever since they met in the 1950s in New York City, the two have been collecting art and becoming close friends of many artists. The film is structured around a series of extensive interviews with the now-elderly couple, mixed with stories told by many of their artist friends including Chuck Close, Christo, and Jeanne Claude. We learn a lot about Herb and Dorothy’s relationship through the way that they interact with one another and their artist friends. Throughout the film the are subtle hints of affection between the two and we see theirs is a great love story. Collecting art is how Herb and Dorothy express their love for one another, and their lives become a work of art on several levels. The amount of art that the Vogels have stashed away in their one-bedroom New York City home is simply astounding. There are thousands of pieces stashed everywhere, more than would seem possible for their tiny place. I thought the film was inspiring because Herb and Dorothy are able to collect so much with so little; art collecting is usually thought of as a hobby for the rich. The Vogels’ achievements and generosity are astounding, and so is this film.
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s one of the last pieces in the Blue Oyster Performance Stagpipes and Wheeze Series, Alex Bennett performed Box Blue Oyster Stagpipes and Wheeze Box, two Performance Series works involving handmade instruments, a toy accordion-come-respiratory-device, and a set of bagpipes constructed out of taxidermic deer parts. The works combine the synthesis of acoustic and electronic sound with unique sculptural construction and macabre visual allegory. Critic spoke to Alex about his performance. Alex Bennett
You have an extensive background in electro-acoustic music; how was this incorporated into Stagpipes and Wheeze Box? Both works are first and foremost acoustic instruments that I have either built or modified in some way. Hidden within each instrument are a number of microphones that not only provide a means of amplification but also sonic material and control data to my custom programmed software, which in turn manipulates the sounds of the instruments in real-time. I believe the ‘instruments’ should therefore be considered as the software and acoustic objects in combination, for neither would work without the other. The works have a morbidity that juxtaposes the use of the bagpipes, an instrument steeped in cultural heritage, and the jovial nature of a toy accordion. Does this translate into a commentary on contemporary culture or music? You have hit the nail on the head. I feel a strong lack of cultural heritage in my life (being a third-generation Australian), which I think has caused me to seek out forgotten or lost cultures, particularly in a musical context. I also love antiques, classic architecture, artisanal skills, and mythology - all things that modern culture seems to bury. These works could therefore be a statement on the death of the acoustic instrument (and the artisan) in popular culture, while ironically they operate with the aid of state-of-the-art digital technology. In your performances it seemed you were putting quite a strain on your body. I thought you were about to faint during Wheeze Box. Clear cause and effect relationships are a paramount facet of any live performance. Today a live performer can trigger a magnitude of sound from a laptop with the click of a mouse, but that doesn’t interest me much. If you want to make a big sound, you have to work for it!
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Beatrice and Virgil
Yann Martel The Text Publishing Company
am not sure what to make of this book, though Martel has once again written a contemporary novel unparalleled in its originality and imaginativeness. While not quite as charming as its predecessor – Life of Pi – it is equal in its power to enthral and suck the reader into its world with the force of a giant Dyson vacuum cleaner. Martel’s ability to conceive of the ideas that make up his stories truly astounds me. The dark and sombre theme that continues throughout the book, however, makes it a little difficult to be enthusiastic. Despite the success of his earlier works, protagonist Henry’s latest book about the Holocaust was poorly received by his editors. He abandons the project, moves to a new city, and distracts himself with new endeavours until the day he receives a package containing a play featuring Beatrice the donkey and Virgil the howler monkey. It is a morbid tale, written by one Gustave Flaubert, who also included a strange note asking for help. Henry resists at first, but then the baffling yet intriguing play leads him to personally visit Flaubert, a taxidermist in the city. From then on, Henry is seduced both by the obscurity and intricacies of the taxidermist’s play and the impassive, inscrutable taxidermist himself. Meanwhile, the fates of Beatrice and Virgil grow progressively bleak as parts of play are slowly revealed. Despite the darkness, the reader – much like Henry himself – is unable to turn away from witnessing the impending doom. So, as with Life of Pi, Beatrice and Virgil contains multiple stories for the price of one, all of which lead us to ponder issues of truth, redemption, and survival. It’s certainly worth a read.
W Mental Floss History of the World
Eric Sass and Steve Wiegand HarperCollins
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e know that 99 percent of ‘history’ as they teach it is mind-numbingly boring. And we’re sorry about that; we can’t change what happened in your youth.” Now, this statement is one that I’m sure 90 percent of you would tend to agree with, and it is also the way in which the latest offering in the Mental Floss Guide series from Erik Sass and Steve Wiegand begins. Aiming to remedy this disaster with a historiographic Streets Cornetto (i.e., “no boring bits”), the authors have edited and cherry-picked what they have determined to be history’s highlights in one nifty package. With their chosen format of brief overviews and timelines, the authors are clearly aiming to design a quick-andeasy guide to some of history’s major events and personalities. However, in their quest to capture the interest of the most general public possible, the authors have decided to appeal to the lowest common denominator, resulting in a book more of historical trivialities rather than interesting historical trivia. Filled with overly immature content such as “the 411 on Hitler’s Naughty Bits” and the goss on Napoleon’s “little Napoleon” (neither are as interesting as you’d think), coupled with the book’s tendency to switch rapidly between formal and informal writing styles, the guide finds itself it in the difficult and useless realm between a carefree read and an unhelpful textbook. The lack of depth to the chapters quickly becomes irritating, as you realise that you are being given no insight into the character of the period or the personalities involved. Each of the supposedly “interesting” facts given thus become dull, pointless, and jarringly context-free. To complete the exercise in frivolousness, the book’s frustrating layout – with its randomly-placed text-boxes cluttering the pages – makes the already rough flow from chapter to chapter even choppier. A great idea (capitalising on Bill Bryson’s success, perhaps), the Mental Floss History of the World is unfortunately poorly executed; while not entirely “mind-numbingly boring”, it comes awfully close.
Preview: In-Compass: A play about NAvigaTION Directed by Erica Newlands Allen Hall Theatre, April 22-24 7.30pm, April 25 4pm, Prices: Adults $10; Students/Senior Citizens = $8 Door sales cash only., For bookings phone 03 479 8896
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oint Ventures and Company presents a devised production that explores the meeting place – geographical and metaphorical – between cultures. In-Compass is a practice-led research project by Theatre Studies Master’s student Erica Newlands: the content of the play was generated using stories from within the company. What has grown from these stories is a piece that follows characters as they traverse borders and map out their own identity. In this piece where land meets sea and light meets dark, a series of negotiations take place. By travelling the path laid out before them and exploring the potential of ambivalent spaces, the characters all end up defining themselves through a mutual recognition of what it means to be home. We invite you to this piece and ask you to consider where on a map of the world you would plant your feet.
LTT Review: Orange Buttons By Bernard Beckett Directed by: Adamina Carden Performed by Samuel Irwin, Marlies Marthen, Theresa Ammann, John Brinsley-Pirie, Andrew Craik, Cambrian Berry, Jamie Lewis, Hana Aoake and Hannah McLeod
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range Buttons witnesses a meeting between two groups of youths, one highly religious, the other not. As a result of an explosion they get stuck on an underground train platform where their fundamental views of the world are intensely confined and their mortality comes to be questioned. It is always pleasing to see some ‘fresh blood’ on the Allen Hall stage, and this was an acting debut for many and a directing debut for Carden. One of the strengths of the script was the specific and detailed characters and how they negotiate with each other; however, the audience did not really ever get the opportunity to digest the arc of any particular character. Much of the action was presented in an initial high-status offer from which the actors found it difficult to back down. An exception to this was the well-timed, laid-back Simon (Lewis) who was a “random, chaotic, brutal, wonderful accident.” His humour won the crowd as he set about attempting to deflower the softest-spoken member of the religious group. The binary of Christian and non-Christian was obviously at the crux of this play, and I would have liked Carden to visually explore this using more visual signifiers. The fact that these two groups were forced to share a confined space could have really intensified the conflict between them, as would any instance of a member of one side stepping into the space of the other. The final twist is revealed when Bo (Irwin), a mysterious and subdued character, identified himself as a fifth and failed suicide bomber – the other four being responsible for the earlier explosion. Irwin held a wonderful concentration throughout the performance and I enjoyed being frequently surprised by him still keeping an eye on the rest of the action. His quiet appearance as the audience were walking into the theatre was a nice touch and added to this element of surprise. In general, however, his presence needed a greater omniscience, and acknowledgement from the rest of the characters.
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