ISSUE 28, 2010

Issue 28 / october 18th / 2010

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FEATURES 18 NEW ZEALANDER OF THE YEAR 25 PUZZLES AND STUFF 30 PROCRASTINATION TIPS

Schmack 32 - 43

CRITIQUE 44 - 55

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Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, Planet Media, or OUSA. Press Council: people with a complaint against a newspaper should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary, PO Box 10-879 The Terrace, Wellington.

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How about those referendum results, huh? At the time of going to print, our reporters at OUSA HQ were reporting back a state of utter confusion. What I take from the results, which are broken down by our news team on p8, are that students don’t really know what to think about NZUSA but want to make the decision themselves. Which is great, except not enough students obviously care enough to make the decision.

There was heated debate last week over whether OUSA should stay or jump ship. It is sad that the debate disintegrated into NZUSA/Young Labour types (let’s not pretend there is a difference) vs. ACT on Campus types. The arguments put forward by the ACT side were boringly predictable, while the NZUSA arguments were basically that they have achieved a lot in the past (*cough* when Labour Governments were in power *cough*) and if OUSA were to pull out they would be fucked. Someone even suggested that OUSA would then be freeloading off NZUSA, which is just stupid, because most of the students associations in the country are currently freeloading off OUSA. I remain totally unconvinced that OUSA is getting value for money, and that NZUSA prepares to address that problem.

Meanwhile, OUSA is ending the year like it ended last year, with bitter infighting amongst the Exec. Financial Services Officer James Meager has often been the sole voice of reason on the Exec this year; when he quits, claiming the Exec “lacks structure, professionalism, punctuality, leadership, and overall adherence to any level of standards,” then you know there are serious problems. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: you people all need to sort your shit out.

This is our last issue of the year, so as per custom I will get soppy. You can stop reading now if you want.

We’ve achieved a lot with the magazine this year.

While I can understand it hasn’t been everyone’s cup of tea, it has got people talking, we’ve been flying off the stands faster than I have ever seen, and we, well, we dominated at the student media awards. Plus we’ve had a lot fun.

I need to thank my predecessors David Large and Amy Joseph, who have taught me so much. And John Ong for making a magazine in 2006 that made me want to work here in the first place. Salient’s Editor Sarah Robson has been a constant confidant this year. I don’t know how anything happened before the invention of GMail chat. Like you said last week, it’s been great to know there is someone going though the exact same thing that you are.

The biggest thank you is reserved for Gala Hesson, our hugely talented designer. This year we have spent

more time together than with any other human.

We’ve done pretty well for two people who were pretty sure they were going to hate each other at the start of the year. You have made Critic beautiful this year, kept me in check, put up with me picking my nose, scratching myself, and hovering over you in misguided attempts to hurry you up, and you’ve taught me a lot. I’ll miss ya next year. Don’t tell anyone.

The rest of the staff have been equally fantastic.

Marie Hodgkinson is in charge of making the magazine resemble sense. No easy feat. Daniel Alexander, who is employed as an Ad Designer, has had to put up with me expanding his job description whenever it suits and my constant ridiculous demands when all you want to do is go home. I apologise for everything.

Our feature writers Susan Smirk and Caitlyn O’Fallon have produced top quality work week in, week out. And Thomas Redford, who joined the team late, has been one of the best things to happen to the magazine this year. Creative Director Dreke Verkuylen has been another great addition to the team and a constant source of office banter.

Gregor Whyte has led an award-winning news team of Rory MacDonald and Julia Hollingsworth and a substantial crew of volunteer writers.

I’m thrilled to announce that Julia will be sitting in the Editor’s chair next year. She has big plans and exciting ideas and she is going to do an amazing job.

I cannot wait to see what you do with the magazine next year, Julia. You will have a blast.

Julia, of course, will be guiding Critic into an uncertain future. As we have been covering extensively all year, VSM looks set to be implemented in 2012 so next year will be crucial to securing the magazine’s survival. Critic is uniquely placed amongst student magazines in this country: almost 90 percent of our income is generated by advertising, something unheard of at other universities in the country. So we are theoretically very well placed. We are run as a separate company to OUSA and I think that independence is crucial to our success and will continue to be crucial to our survival. While we will likely see other magazines become a shell of their current selves, I am confident Critic will remain as strong and continue to get stronger in the future.

And I know it is in safe hands.

I’m outta here. Off to clerk in a fancy law firm in Auckland and then to finish off my degree up there next year. I am so lucky that Critic has been central to my five years in Dunedin. I could not think of a better place in the world to start off a career and I am incredibly grateful.

Oh, and to the boys on Maori Hill, H.

Critic – Te Arohi PO Box 1436, Dunedin (03) 479 5335 critic@critic.co.nz www.critic.co.nz Editor in Chief:

Ben Thomson Designer in Chief:

Gala Hesson Features Writers:

Susan Smirk Caitlyn O’ Fallon Thomas Redford Creative Director:

Dreke Verkuylen News Editor:

Gregor Whyte News Reporters:

Rory MacDonald Julia Hollingsworth Sub Editor:

Marie Hodgkinson Feature ILLUSTRATOR:

Tom Garden Music Editor:

Sam Valentine Film Editor:

Max Segal Books Editor:

Jonathan Jong FOOD EDITOR

Tien-Yi Toh ART EDITOR

April Dell Performance Editor:

Jen Aitken And a substantial army of volunteers xoxo Advertising:

Kate Kidson Tim Couch Dave Eley Logan Valentine Ad. Designer:

Daniel Alexander PH: (03)4795361 kate@planetmedia.co.nz WWW. planetmedia.co.nz

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1: the length in centimetres of the world’s smallest erect penis. 47: the number of teeth a mosquito has. 37: the height of the world’s tallest snowman in metres. 0.3: the percentage of men who are able to give themselves a blow job.

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On Castle St: Girl: “I can’t handle alcohol anymore” From the Overheard @ Uni of Otago Facebook page

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A man was killed after a Coke vending machine toppled over on him. Hard to be sympathetic however, as the man was rocking said machine in an attempt to grab a free soda out of it.

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An American teen lived the nightmare, crashing into a license testing centre just minutes after their driving test. The crash happened when the teen was attempting to leave the car park.

Sloppy.

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An angry sea lion attacked a rowing boat in the Otago Harbour last week, causing $40 000 of damage to one of the University of Otago boats. The sea lion was understood to still be angry about the Rowing Club pushing through that fucking expensive Aquatic Centre at an OUSA SGM a few years back.

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A German man incredibly salvaged an attempted pick-up that went horribly wrong, after he dropped his false teeth into the cleavage of the woman he was chatting up. The smooth-talker somehow got away with the slop-up, and the woman returned his teeth and accepted his number.

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An American man has been sentenced to nine years’ imprisonment after his Halloween caper led to his neighbour’s death. The man let loose a volley of shots on Halloween as a prank, causing his elderly neighbour to have a fatal heart attack.

After receiving a $90 speeding ticket in Bluff City, Tennessee, Brian McCrary bought the domain name of the Bluff City Police Department for $80 (they had forgotten to renew it). On the site he posted his side of the story, and put up information about speed traps in Bluff City.

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Scientists have apparently proven that most pigeons are degenerate gamblers. Researchers conducted an experiment where the pigeons could choose either a steady moderate payout of food, or play for the occasional large win.

82 percent of pigeons choose the latter, even though it meant they got substantially less food overall.

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Troy Kaczor, 40, of Wisconsin, was enjoying a drunken day at the park when he spotted a one-legged goose. His hunger and inebriated state led him on a wild chase that saw him shed most of his clothing and dive into the Wisconsin River in pursuit of the hobbled bird.

The frigid temperatures of the Wisconsin River led to him being unable to swim. Goose 1, Drunk 0.

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The results of the OUSA referendum were announced last Thursday, with only two of the 13 motions meeting the required quorum of 1049 votes.

The 2011 Budget passed by a narrow margin, with 50.27 percent of students voting in favour of it. The Budget, which was the first motion in the online poll, gained the most overall votes with 1096 votes. OUSA was understandably relieved that the Budget passed, as they won’t be landed with the 2010 Budget. The proposed increase to levies also passed, with 58 percent voting in favour.

The OUSA Constitutional amendments failed to meet quorum by only eight votes, meaning the Constitution will remain a mess.

Although 55 percent of students who voted on that motion were for the changes, there is some suggestion that 2/3 of the vote would have been needed to pass the changes anyway.

The Constitutional changes proposed reinstating SGMs to determine internal policy, and sending external motions to online vote.

However, following the referendum results, these will not be put in place. Instead, OUSA will be forced to continue with online voting, which requires five percent of the student body to pass motions, whether internal or external. SGMs remain an impossibility, as the Constitution requires a quorum of ten percent of members.

OUSA President Harriet Geoghegan is concerned that the Constitutional changes didn’t pass, although she noted that SGMs are not really part of OUSA’s weekly operations, so the Constitution won’t have any serious impact until next year.

The other external motions, including motions regarding NZUSA, neurosurgery, GST, and the Code of Conduct, failed to reach quorum. The question regarding NZUSA membership missed out on quorum by a mere 48 votes, and was fairly evenly split, with 42 percent voting for withdrawing, and 40 percent voting for OUSA to remain a member.

Another motion, “that matters of nationwide representation are best decided by the student body,” missed out on quorum by 31 votes. The results of this motion were overwhelmingly in favour of students having the last say, with 66 percent voting for, 16 08

percent against, and 16 percent abstaining.

As the motions didn’t meet quorum, the results are non-binding. However, the results may be used as an indication of student opinion to inform OUSA decisions.

Geoghegan was disappointed not to have made quorum. “I would have liked to see more people voting,” she says. She thought that the lack of interest was due to a number of things, including the confusing nature of the topics, which required voters to have followed Critic closely. “The motions on NZUSA came from members outside of the Exec. If we had planned to put those motions forward, we would have planned ahead and educated the members.”

The issue of membership of NZUSA has been highly divisive. One group even took it upon themselves to launch a “withdrawal is not a safe option” campaign featuring a smiling condom, which unsurprisingly had little impact.

The most exciting aspect of the referendum was OUSA’s struggle to get enough votes to reach quorum. With around three and a half hours to go, OUSA was still scrambling to get the remaining 100 votes to meet quorum. Once again, voting began strongly on the first day and peaked after an email from OUSA was sent around reminding members to vote.

Although quorum was barely met, the Budget was passed by an unprecedented number of students. In the past, Budgets have been set at SGMs with only a few hundred members, and if proposed constitutional amendments had passed, a Budget would have required a mere 100 members for it to pass.

David Cull decisively won the Dunedin Mayoral race, while student-friendly Aaron Hawkins narrowly missed out on a Council seat, in the recent local elections.

Two-term mayor of Dunedin Peter Chin failed to get the support of the populace in the elections, and was soundly beaten by Dunedin writer and one-time Councillor Cull.

Cull took the election with 22 832 votes, leaving Chin trailing in second on 14 453.

Third was Lee Vandervis with 6 692 votes, and fourth went to Hawkins with 1 745 votes.

Cull has taken up the mantle of Mayor, and has already begun the rhetoric of change.

“I didn’t get the mandate I did to keep things that same as they are,” he told the ODT. His first job in the role of top dog is to decide on who will be his deputy, and who will head the various committees. “The big challenge is to consult with councillors,” he says. That would involve discussion and negotiation with councillors, as he wanted to be sure the Council would approve of his recommendations.

The inaugural meeting of the new Council will be on the 26 October, and Cull’s recommendations for deputy and chairperson will go before a Council vote at that meeting.

Cull, in his election campaign, promised much to students, with a particular focus on

refurbishing North Dunedin and increasing the quality of student housing, which has come under scrutiny this year.

It will be interesting to see how Cull intends to pay for a North Dunedin upgrade, given the city is already building a new stadium and the ratepayers seem to have a disfavourable view of Scarfies.

One of Cull’s ideas to rectify this relationship between town and gown is to reintroduce the annual Toga Parade.

Tragically, Hawkins narrowly missed out on a seat on the Central Ward Council by only 500 votes, denying him the opportunity to be the youngest member on the Council.

Chin was reportedly relieved at the results, despite having expressed a desire to serve another term. The six years in office had taken its toll on the outgoing Mayor, and after what he perceived as a negative campaign, the ODT reported he was ready to leave.

“What I’m looking for is my own time, my own space,” Chin said.

He was also keen to stress that he was happy with what achieved in his role as Mayor for Dunedin: “There has got to be recognition out there that Dunedin has achieved a whole lot of things.”

During the campaign, almost every opposition candidate heavily criticised Chin and his Council over the last six years, emphasising the need to replace him. Chin felt this was an entirely negative approach to his Council. “Sure there are things that are controversial, that some don’t like, but by and large, the city has done well.”

Mayor-elect David Cull has indicated there may be a place for Chin helping to foster the relationship Dunedin has with its sister city Shanghai.

Chin leaves behind a tenuous relationship with Otago students, especially since his stance on the fallout from the notorious Undie 500 riots. It will be interesting to see if Cull fairs any better. When contacted by Critic Cull claimed he was too busy to answer questions regarding student issues.

Whatever his performance, expect many Cull-related puns in Critic next year.

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The role the Otago Daily Times played in the recent local body elections is coming under scrutiny.

Rumours were circulating wildly around town last week about the nature of a donation made by Allied Press owner Julian Smith to Dave Cull, who is part of the Greater Dunedin party. A representative of an unsuccessful Council candidate told Critic that a donation of $40 000 was made. However, Cull said that is untrue, but revealed Smith donated under $1000.

Donations under $1000 do not need to be declared. Cull would not specify how much was donated.

When questioned about the ODT’s editorial independence and integrity, Editor Murray Kirkness replied in a curt one line statement, “Allied Press did not make a donation to Greater Dunedin.”

Concerns have also been raised about the ODT political poll that ran on the front

page on October 6. Instead of an opinion poll, which most media organisations use in New Zealand, the ODT opted for a cheaper straw poll.

Political opinion polling is a precise science and many media companies spend big money on research companies such as AC Nielsen or TNS to get accurate results. Pollsters are trained to not ask leading questions, and the sample of who is interviewed is carefully chosen, to represent the population at large. Independent polls take care to poll each demographic.

Critic understands that the ODT did not employ such measures and simply asked staff in its subscriptions call centre to pick numbers at their leisure out of a phonebook and call them. No training was given. A source inside Allied Press, who spoke to Critic on the condition of anonymity, said the subscriptions staff were given only two questions to ask: is the respondent voting,

and who for? “And no [they] didn’t try and sell them the ODT afterwards.”

Otago University Political Studies Lecturer Dr. Chris Rudd said that many studies have been conducted on the impact of political polling and the evidence is mixed.

Although he thought the ODT poll was “fine,” he noted that “if the poll is shonky, then just like any piece of information the voters gets, this is ‘undesirable’.” Rudd added that if polls have an effect, they are likely to sway voters who are not already committed to voting a certain way.

Rudd says that the ODT approached him, asking him to conduct a poll on their behalf. However, Rudd was unable to garner enough interest from students to conduct the poll, so ODT took polling upon themselves.

ODT Editor Murray Kirkness would not comment on the nature of the polling.

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Nineties child upstart Julia Hollingsworth is set to take over the Critic editorial throne from widely revered (read: openly despised) leader Ben Thomson.

“I’m pretty excited about it,” she exclaimed. “It’s just like, so great and stuff.”

When questioned about her youth, she was pretty blasé, claiming, “It’s not like I missed that much by being born in the late nineties.” It has been revealed that Hollingsworth sleeps with a soft toy giraffe named Julius and still uses sparkling mint gel Colgate toothpaste.

Workmates are worried that Hollingsworth’s youth means she has missed out on crucial cultural experiences.

When quizzed about Captain Planet, PlaySkool, and Suzy Cato’s early-nineties TV3 programme, Hollingsworth drew blanks.

More worryingly, she said that the Spice Girls were before her time.

However, there are allegations that Hollingsworth’s disregard for pop culture has less to do with age and more to do with alternative lifestyle choices.

Current Editor Ben Thomson has grave concerns that Critic may become “indie-fied” under Hollingsworth’s leadership. “Yeah, she’s really into all of that faux-indie shit eh.

We tried to get her to eat Frankly’s, but she said it was too mainstream for her.”

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“I was kind of surprised when it was announced,” admits her current boss, News Editor Gregor Whyte. “After she walked into the office door the second time, I thought she had blown her chances once and for all.” Hollingsworth was quick to note that she will be Whyte’s superior next year and has concocted a range of dastardly plans to exact revenge for being forced to sit through 27 Exec meetings.

Unlike Whyte, who is returning as News Editor, other staff are jumping ship. Designer Gala Hesson said she saw the writing on the wall as soon as Hollingsworth started enquiring about paper stocks and logos.

Creative Director Dreke Verkuylen and Sub Editor Marie Hodgkinson are both skipping town to avoid being tarred by the brush of Critic in 2011.

During a recent trip to Auckland for the ASPA Awards, where Hollingsworth was inexplicably awarded for her news reporting, her gift of the gab and weak stomach became somewhat of a liability. Notably, following the trip, Verkuylen broke down and switched to a Gender Studies major after severe harassment about his Marketing degree from arts student Hollingsworth.

Hollingsworth says she has grand plans for next year, but first step is some “interior decorating”.

They are convenient, sometimes necessary, and always costly. We’re not talking about a fuck buddy, but the Dunedin taxi service.

Whether you jump in them on the cold, cold nights, or when you don’t want to be seen with whoever you’ve pulled from the increasingly scummy Metro Bar, taking a taxi in Dunedin is often a liberty that we students take for granted.

But increasingly, taxi drivers are becoming too scared to work at nights due to the abusive and even violent behaviour of drunk students. One taxi driver is predicting that soon a ‘war’ will take place between students and drivers, with drivers taking matters into their own hands.

The driver, who wouldn’t speak with Critic directly, and who wanted his name and company to remain secret, has been telling the more placid students he picks up about his concerns for student-driver relations.

“He told us that taxi drivers are going to start defending themselves from the aggressive students, and the ones who think it’s okay to refuse to pay,” one student told Critic.

“He also told us of the toll it was taking on taxi drivers. Many are getting increasingly stressed, and can’t work at nights because of the stories about their colleagues getting threatened or attacked. They also cop heaps of verbal abuse during the rides, especially from chicks.”

More and more frequently, stories are surfacing of students refusing to pay for their rides, and trying to do runners. There are even cases of taxi drivers getting beaten up when trying to retrieve the fare.

“He said that one taxi driver got jumped by two students, who were angry about having to pay for their ride home. The driver couldn’t work, and hasn’t got any other means of income.”

Reports of drivers who have already snapped have also been filtering in all year.

One report suggested a driver had burnt his own house down, while another dispatch said a taxi driver had recently cut his wife’s ear off.

The notion that taxi drivers are going to start ‘defending’ themselves is worrying, especially since the case at the start of this year when an Auckland driver was stabbed to death by his passenger. If taxi drivers are feeling physically threatened they may resort to extreme measures to defend themselves.

It is already rumored that one taxi driver deliberately ran down a student who was playing ‘chicken’ with his car.

Whether a ‘war’ is around the corner or not, with the exam period upon us and the typical post exam blow-out scheduled, a potential flashpoint between drunk students and defensive taxi drivers might be just on the horizon.

Monday Amnesty International Event: Aung Khaing Min Public Lecture 6.30pm, Burns 2

Tuesday Library opens at 7.30 today.

Don’t be late or you will miss out on a seat.

“Surviving Logging: Melanesian Institutions to cope with Southeast Asian Tigers” 5.15pm, Moot Court

Wednesday Examinations Begin.

“Marketing Regulation and Freedom of Choice: Some Modern Day Modest Proposals” 5.30pm, College of Education Auditorium

Thursday A Public Conversation with Fr. Peter Murnane 5pm, St Margaret’s College

FRIDAY Drinking

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I am leaving

Finance and Services Officer James Meager has resigned from his position on the OUSA Executive. Meager’s resignation letter casts doubt on the way the Exec is run and OUSA President Harriet Geoghegan’s leadership style.

Meager tendered his resignation in a rather lengthy letter addressed to OUSA Secretary Donna Jones last Monday. In the letter he claimed that he no longer had the drive to work for OUSA, and that he had been drained physically and mentally: “My University studies have suffered detrimentally, as well as my own well-being.”

However, later in the letter it became apparent that the major reason for Meager’s resignation was dissatisfaction with the OUSA Exec itself. “I feel that I am unable to work within an Executive environment which lacks structure, professionalism, punctuality, leadership, and overall adherence to any level of standards.” He further noted that he felt uncomfortable within the negative atmosphere of the Exec, although he conceded that he himself had contributed to the vibe.

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In contrast to Philipson’s happy families resignation letter, Meager’s letter was fairly negative. “I will be keeping my distance to focus on my studies and to complete what has been a very long, arduous year.” He completed his down beat letter by stating, “I no longer feel like I have anything to give to this organisation worth giving.”

Although Meager’s resignation is concerning, it does not come as a shock. Meager had become increasingly disillusioned and dissatisfied with the Exec, an attitude that was particularly evident at recent Exec meetings.

Geoghegan said Meager’s resignation was “a shame,” as he had contributed greatly to OUSA, especially to internal policy. She did acknowledge however that university work was the foremost priority for Exec members.

Meager is the fifth OUSA exec member to resign this year. He follows in the stead of Presant Singh, Amith Koleth, John Philipson and most recently, Stephanie Reader. The number of resignations raises concern over the nature of internal politics during 2010.

Otago Likely to Benefit from Funding Increase The University of Otago is likely to gain about $5.4 milllion and around 280 domestic Equivalent Full Time Student places, after the Government announced increased funding for university places, the Otago Daily Times reports.

The fresh funding is intended to cover a ‘blip’ in the number of high school leavers, and to provide extra places to reflect the increased demand for tertiary education in the current economic climate.

However, no additional places were allocated to polytechnics.

Duke Sex List Scandal has descended on the prestigious Duke University of North Carolina, in the USA, after a ‘sex thesis’ complied by a senior student of the University went viral on the internet.

The 43-page list, which included the names and photographs of 13 of student Karen Owen’s sexual partners, consisted of detailed ‘field reports’, ratings, and graphs. It was presented in the form of a senior honours thesis and ‘submitted in partial fulfilment of the requirements for the Degree in Tempestuous Frolicking’. The ‘thesis’ focused on Duke athletes for its subject, in particular members of the men’s Lacrosse team, which was recently involved in another scandal when several team members were falsely accused of rape.

Alleged: OUSA President Incompetent Driver Critic has received information from a University of Otago student that puts into question the driving skills of OUSA President Harriet Geoghegan. The student, who refuses to be named for fear of reprisals, tells Critic that he regularly observes Geoghegan “bungle the parking of that car something awful.”

The source tells Critic that Geoghegan often fails to navigate her car between the white lines of her designated space, despite her car being “fucking tiny” and the space “a gaping fucking monstrosity.” The concerned student tells Critic he came forward because he “had concerns that someone who blatantly struggles to park her car is in charge of a multi-million dollar organisation for the second year running.”

When Critic went to investigate the claim Geoghegan’s car was unfortunately absent, but we did get some good photos of the park (it really is quite roomy). However, other carpark users corroborated the source’s claim, with one calling Geoghegan’s parking skills “sub-par,” and another opining that “she is always skewing that car across the parks to either side, it’s fucking annoying.”

When asked about the claims Geoghegan was quick to deny the charges, stating that she had only just got a car, and alleging that Clubs and Socs Rep Dan Stride had in fact been the one parking in the space for most of the year. Either way this incident does not bode well for the future, since Stride will next year assume the role of Financial Services Officer.

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It was a little walk down Leith Street to a little pub called Gardies that saw the birth of the Gisborne Music festival, Rhythm and Vines.

Now Rhythm and Vines is in its eighth year, and Otago grads Tom Gibson and Hamish Pinkham are looking forward to this event more than ever. Georgie Fenwicke spoke to Hamish about the line-up, hopes for the future, and the negotiation process.

We are now getting into the middle of October, how are preparations progressing?

Things are getting pretty exciting amongst the team. We are getting a real buzz from our social networking and our marketing. Emails are starting to increase and people are starting to think about the end of the year and their holidays.

How did the plans develop with the line up this year?

Well, there are a few acts we have been working on for a number of years. Chase and Status, which has been a hugely popular act. Justice is one act we have been working towards. We are also working with some bands which we’ve invited back from previous festivals, the likes of which include Carl Cox and Shihad which were huge acts in 2008. It is not something that happens over night, there is a lot of planning and thought and a lot of relationships built up over the years, you know that helps us attract the kind of talent that we do.

Are negotiations with agents intense?

Yeah, I mean it is the music industry.

There are a few characters and you know everyone has ulterior motives.

But we are part of a trusted booking circle with Australia now and we share acts with the likes of Summer Days and with Field Days. Another thing we have in our favour is artists who have had a ball at Rhythm and Vines in the past, everyone speaks highly of their Gisborne experience and that reputation has travelled throughout the world.

Who is the most demanding act this year in terms of the facilities that you have to provide?

Well, N.E.R.D. is going to be, not a handful, but they are an American act. They have got an album out this year, they are currently touring with some of the world’s biggest festivals and they’ve got an entourage of twenty. Obviously, Pharrell Williams is a star so yeah, we want to be on our game in terms of hospitality. But we have experienced it with the likes of Public Enemy and Moby last year, so I think we have kind of got that down pat.

You have introduced a new aspect to the festival this year and that is the Rhythm and Vines protégé competition, how did this come about?

Protégé started as a chance to bring some new energy, some new ideas, and some new blood to our team. We have been a festival for a few years now and it is a nice chance to give something back as well. We have had almost eighty entries and we have whittled it down to the final six, we have got a few tasks for them over the coming weeks and we will be finding our protégé and naming them at the festival.

What sort of tasks will you get them to do?

Well, a range of many things from hosting artists back stage to liaising with media to helping out on site helping with the pack down and site preparations. We think the ultimate understudy will have an interest in all areas but maybe we can mould them in that one part and grow them in that area.

Since you founded the festival in 2003 with Tom Gibson, Rhythm and Vines has ballooned in terms of popularity.

What are your major aims going forward?

I think it would be great to continue Rhythm and Vines as a festival of international calibre. We want to continue to attract some of the world’s best acts to Gisborne and I guess we have to do justice to the fact that we are the first place to bring in the New Year. It is a big reputation to hold and we are going to try to do the best we can, whether it be with the show or the artists and just the whole experience. We have come this far and are looking forward to the years ahead.

Georgie Fenwicke

Who are you looking forward to seeing most?

I am really looking forward to seeing Tinie Tempah. I think he is going to be one of the most talked about acts of the festival. In the past, we have had bands like Santogold and Major Lazer who have been really well received and I think he will continue in that vein.

For the full interview go to www.georgiefenwicke.wordpress.com.

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New Zealander of the Year 2010

1st PLACE

Shane Cortese

Shane Cortese; a man with more talents than there are shades of blonde streaks in his hair. A man who bravely made a comeback after a tragic fake tan incident during Dancing With the Stars that has permanently left his skin a strange, inhuman, yellowy-brown hue. 2010 was a triumphant year for the ex-Shorty Street bad boy with the ripped bod, one in which he reminded the whole country why he is known as New Zealand’s most versatile entertainer since Prince Tui Teka.

Most actors would not be able to move on from playing the 16-year-old-pashing, double-murdering Dominic Thompson of New Zealand’s favourite comedy, Shortland Street. But Cortese followed this up with a win on Dancing With the Stars, a cameo as himself in Whale Rider, numerous women’s magazine covers, and a part as lovable scammer Hayden Peters on New Zealand’s most-watched drama, Outrageous Fortune.

Cortese himself says that his proudest moments this year were his numerous mentions in Critic. In the very first issue of the year he was identified as Salmond Hall’s most famous ex-resident. A back-cover advertisement to buy Gardies in March urged potential buyers to “not miss this opportunity to buy the old watering hole of Dunedin ‘giants’ such as Marc Ellis, Michael Laws and Shane Cortese.” This little-known piece of history soon got coverage in the ODT, and farewell event planner Blake Luff was reported as “hoping to get Otago graduates Marc Ellis and actor Shane Cortese involved.”

Our 85th Birthday Issue celebrated Shane Cortese’s birth as one of the most defining events of 1985. The fact that the once selfproclaimed ‘King of Dunedin’ Shane Cortese has turned his back on the city was named as one of the shittest things about Dunedin a couple of weeks ago, and last week he used his recent visit to Somalia to testify that the country is a cauldron of violence and bloodshed. We’re still waiting for the ODT to follow up on these important stories.

When not filming Outrageous Fortune or removing unexploded land mines in Uganda, Cortese has spent 2010 touring the country as the lead singer of his rock ‘n’ roll tribute band The Sounds of ’58 and answering questions for his fan site, shanecortese.com: How many emails do you get from fans a day? It depends some write real letters!!! What is your earliest memory? Sitting on a fire engine with a broken Leg. Does anything get you annoyed?

Yes People who feel they have a right to abuse me cause I’m on the tele. Do you have any bad habits? I spend too much time on my hair. How were you described in your high school yearbook?

Always on the sports field, with nice hair. Is there anything amazing you want to do? Drive a convertible all the way along route 66. Do girls recognise you on the street and stalk you and stuff? Yeah – but that’s kinda cool and I’m approachable. Did you always want to be an actor? No, I wanted to play cricket for New Zealand and be a fireman. Favourite female singer? Atomic Kitten.

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Finalist

John Lewis

1st Runner-up

The ACT Party

The ACT Party started the year hoping to swiftly move on from perk-busting leader Rodney Hide getting busted for perk abuse in late ‘09. They had no such luck. 2010 will forever be remembered in ACT circles as the year of fuck-up after fuck-up.

Undoubtedly the funniest and most infuriating disaster was ACT on Campus President Rick Giles’ interview with Oliver Driver on Sunrise. Giles shot to national fame with a performance in which he out-David-Brented Brent himself, his most memorable quote being “I think my argument’s so powerful that there’s no need to talk about it.”

The next chapter was the demotion of Deputy Leader Heather Roy in August. By many accounts the most promising and talented politician in the party’s otherwise agedwhite-male ranks, Roy was toppled in shady circumstances. Hide offered a hundred ‘no comments’ on Roy’s axing, leaving many pundits to guess that he demoted Roy because she was perceived to be too much of a threat.

And then there was David Garrett. The furore started when it was revealed that Garrett, who was the party’s law and order spokesman and the man responsible for the “Three Strikes” Bill passed into law in May, had received an assault conviction for punching a doctor while on holiday in Tonga. Soon a much more startling previous criminal transgression was revealed: in the 1980s Garrett stole a dead baby’s identity to gain a false passport. Garrett was soon out of Parliament, but he can be thankful that the leniency granted to him by our law and order system allowed him a future career as an MP, during which he successfully rallied to remove the same leniency.

ACT’s only apparent high point in the year was the passing of their VSM bill by a Select Committee late last month. It might pretty much mean the death of pretty much every student association countrywide. Yeehah.

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It’s been a spectacular year in journalism for one of the ODT’s most senior reporters, John Lewis. On one May Saturday, the ODT ran a story about how the Design Department’s days were numbered. The story was based on Lewis getting a “leaked document.” The following Tuesday, things got weird. The story was still on the ODT website, but it clearly should not have been. “REMOVED AT MURRAY’S REQUEST; POSS ISSUES WITHH STORY” (sic) was the new headline, and a red box up the top said: “This post has been submitted for moderation and will not be submitted until it has been approved.”

Murray, in case you are wondering, is ODT Editor Murray Kirkness.

Murray was unhappy because some parts of the story were not actually based on fact. The University was even unhappier.

When contacted, Lewis said that Vice Chancellor Sir Professor David Skegg contacted Editor Murray Kirkness and demanded the story be pulled. “He didn’t want a correction, he just wanted it taken down,” Lewis said. But why wasn’t a simple correction made? “You’ll have to ask the Editor about that.”

So we did. He wasn’t as talkative.

Amongst a bunch of “no comments” was this gem: “It is not my place to have to explain a story.”

The fallout from this strange saga was not kind to Lewis. In Issue 12 we printed a collection of the stories he’d filed in the weeks following Critic breaking the story on May 3. It was clear that he’d been demoted from the glamorous University portfolio to the old people and local schools beat, e.g.

“Columba College mother slapped with a $60 parking fine whilst trying to pick up her daughter.” (May 18)

New Zealander of the Year 2010

Finalist

Paul Henry-relatedFacebook-Group Members

For providing the best demonstration of the damage this unapologetic bigot has caused to race relations in this country. It is impossible to not be disenchanted with the humanity of your countrymen and women when reading the outrageous comments of Henry’s supporters on pages such as ‘Paul Henry Start Your Own Show’ (~9000 members) and ‘Paul Henry, just saying what we are all thinking’ (~6000 members). If only Henry’s resignation statement had been a little bit sincere, one could imagine that it was reading appalling comments from his self-proclaimed ‘like-minded New Zealanders’ like the ones below that made Henry finally realise what types of viewpoints his statements have validated: Ann Cooper: “Hey people . . . everyone in favor of Paul Henry staying with breakfast change your profile picture to him . . . Then the media might take notice . . .”

Jude Hewitt: “WELL acutually he was making fun of a nzer wasnt he, didnt john key say hes a nzer through and through, so wots that actually got to do with india, hes a damn nzer isnt he, ??”

Anne Curry: “It’s been said that NZers ‘just don’t say things like this...’. What planet are they on? MOST NZers say things like Paul’s been saying recently because NZ has freedom of speech doesn’t it? That’s why I love it here - the PCers need to get real” James Speedy: “paul henry was slightly racist but rightfully so” Bill Mason: “As 60yr old a Kiwi living in Aus - NZ you take life way too serious and are letting all of the PC wankers take control The GG is fat & he doesn’t look like the New Zealander I perceive a Kiwi looks like so wht can’t it be stated” Justin Rule: “I support Paul Henry isn’t it funny that Indian’s come here and complain about racism when they should be grateful to even be here in a country that has alot more opportunity than where they come from and come here and feel they have a right too complain about what is said on television”

Finalist

Dunedin’s Party Elite

Oh, what a sad year of partying you would have had in 2010 without the efforts of Dunedin’s Princes of Parties, the men who organise, promote, and provide the beats for our city’s biggest social gatherings.

Callum Fry is the impresario behind Wilder Promotions, the organisation responsible for all your loosest/tightest nights this year: Grad Parties One and Two! (Three was cancelled due to low ticket sales), and numerous other cloned beatfests at Bath St. Such is the power this man wields over your local party scene that half of Los Angeles now refers to P Diddy as ‘The Black Callum Fry’.

DJ Higham has provided the fresh new sounds that have had your hips shaking and body swaying at South Bar in 2010.

Higham’s trademark confidence and swagger has been backed up weekend after weekend with his unarguably unbeatable skills at plugging in an iPod. 21

Shortlisted

Sir Anand Satynand

Jesse Ryder

Jason Gunn

Rhys Darby

“Or however you spell his fucked up fucking Indian name”*

For finally leaving us alone after years of desperately trying to recapture his glory days on McDonald’s Young Entertainers.

P Money

A fat, incredibly talented, hard-drinking, hard-partying role model for sportspeople of all ages.

Formerly funny comedian shown by researchers to have already spent 340 hours on our TV screens in 2010.

Chris Carter

For maintaining a high public profile through his face-melting tunes and risky collaborations, like the one with Vince Harder.

That gay old nutter determined to destroy his beloved Labour Party.

Shane Jones

Isaac Luke

The horniest man in Wellington, and proud. Youtube’s ‘cannabis user tripped out by bomb scare evacuation’ – Churr to just sitting at home having a few dots.

The best and scrappiest hooker in world rugby league.

Bob Parker

For best use of a crippling natural disaster.

Michael Hooper

The Commonwealth Games Federation CEO, for his part in a Games that has daily made headlines for snake and used-condom infestations at the athletes’ village, empty stadia, and general dirtiness.

Peter Chin

Culled by the Dunedin voting public, meaning the DCC phonebook now has less chins than an Asian … fat man … phonebook … or some shit like that.

Taika Waititi

Wasn’t Boy a great movie?

*A direct quote from Facebook – where the nation’s opinion setters hang out.

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How creepy is your Facebook stalking habit?

No doubt this exam season you walked around the library trying to find a seat, and had a look at what people are doing on their computers. No doubt you’ll have probably seen a majority of people are on Facebook. Chances are, there’s probably more ‘investigating’ going on in the libraryat the moment than there is at the Dunedin Police Station. Let’s face it, you’re probably one of the culprits too.

How to play: A = 1 point, B = 2 points, and so on. Circle your answers as you go along and tally your points to find your creep-o-factor!

1. How often do you look up random Facebook profiles?

A. Almost never.

B. Every now and then.

C. All the time – it’s one of my favourite pastimes.

D. I’m going to look up yours after this quiz!!

2. Have you ever tried to predict what someone would be like just by viewing their profile?

A. No ... that’s just weird.

B. Yeah, every now and then.

C. Of course, I do it all the time. You can find out a lot from someone’s profile!

D. I have an extensive knowledge of my friends’ friends ... only they don’t know it...

3. When someone is ‘tagged’ in a photo by someone you don’t know, do you: A. Ignore it.

B. Click on the first few photos I see for a better look but not much else.

C. Look at the photos of the entire album, D. Look at every single photo then proceed to stalk every person in those photos.

4. When you get invited to a Facebook event, do you: A. Click whether or not I’m going and leave it at that.

B. Have a look at the event to see what’s happening and how many people are going.

C. See who’s going and ‘investigate’ the people I don’t know.

D. Ah ... this is kinda awkward … but I don’t get invited to events. So I just stalk the fuck out of everyone else’s instead.

5. How often do you use Facebook?

A. Not too often, maybe once or twice a week – if that.

B. A fair bit, probably most days.

C. Quite a lot, a few times a day.

D. I dominate that shit, I can’t go for a few hours without checking it.

6. When you join a ‘hilarious’ Facebook group, do you: A. Laugh and move on.

B. Have a look at the wall – after all, there are some funny quotes there sometimes.

C. Have a look at the wall and if I see anyone hot, have a quick peep at their profile.

D. Go through pretty much all the wall posts and stalk anyone who looks interesting/ hot, then thoroughly go through all their photos to check if they’re ‘actually hot’.

7. Have you even found yourself saying something along the lines of “I’ll get back to work ... just right after I look at this person’s profile?”

A. People actually think shit like that?!?

B. Hmm I don’t think so. If so it’s pretty rare C. Haha yeah I waste so much time doing that!

D. Pff, I don’t let a bit of work get in the way of my hobby!

8. When describing what could be a mutual acquaintance to a friend, would you: A. Give them a brief description of the person.

B. Give a long description of the person and perhaps throw in how I know them.

C. Link them to their profile – it might jog their memory.

D. Send them a link to an obscure photo from their profile followed by a long description of the person including all the important things like their star sign, what they’re studying, what they had for breakfast ...

9. How much time do you spend on Facebook per session?

A. Maybe five minutes just to see the haps.

B. Maybe half an hour max? Depends on who’s online.

C. Hours.

D. I’m permanently on and I’m always busy, you know, doing important stuff ...

10. Have you ever joined one of those groups that tell you how to see who views your profile?

A. There’s a group for that?

B. Nah, it’s a waste of time.

C. Yeah, I want to see if everyone stalks as much as I do!

D. Of course, but mainly so I can stalk the people in the group.

Congratulations! Your habit is: Slightly Creepy (10-17): You’re either lying or you hardly use Facebook at all. You probably function reasonably well in social situations and you simply either dislike Facebook or are just too lazy to use it often. While you use Facebook to keep in touch with people and to keep track of events, you are usually behind in gossip. You’re most likely one of those people who just doesn’t care enough to bother stalking people. Good for you.

Moderately Creepy (18-26): You have a curious streak in you but you don’t let that dominate your Facebook endeavours. You probably just enjoy reading the news feed just to catch up on the goss and to have a look at the photos from the weekend ‘cos you got so paralytic that you can’t even remember what happened. Nevertheless, you still probably engage in a bit of stalking from time to time, but mainly people who you’ve met in some form or another and it’s still too awkward to add them as a friend.

Alarmingly Creepy (27-34): You know as well as I do that you’re probably spending way too much time stalking people. That being said, it’s justified since your friends probably do it so you see yourself more as a ‘Sherlock Holmes’ who just likes to ‘investigate’ things every now and then.

Even though if you did what you do on Facebook in real life, you’d probably get arrested. The only thing that differentiates you from an obsessive Facebook stalker is that you are probably a bit more normal and you cover your tracks better by ‘signing out’ on Facebook chat to make it look like you’re not there.

Besides, if you can stalk someone from the privacy and comfort of your own home – why not?

Completely creepy (35+): You have a serious Facebook stalking problem and you’re also a sick fuck. Your compulsive Facebook stalking is an integral but unhealthy part of your life. Being a complete and sophisticated creep, you have a wide knowledge of gossip and characteristics about people who you’ve probably never met – you have this shit down to an art form. You’re probably that awkward person at parties who says shit like “Oh yeah, I heard about you” or “I heard about that ... from someone ...” and when prompted as to how/ who, the room fills with an awkward silence.

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Schmack OPINIONS AND STUFF...

33 SOAP BOX

34 COLUMNS

34 left / right 35 DEBATABLE 36 ODT 37 THIS WEEK / SPORT 38 APOCALYPSE / TOP 5 39 OUSA / TE ROOPU

40 LETTERS

42 BOFS

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S

ay you’re in a career that doesn’t last as long as you do – one that requires a degree of physical prowess or exactitude possessed only by the young.

There are plenty of these – pro sportsperson, pop tart, frontline soldier, and so on. What do you do when you’re no longer fast, strong, cute, or hot enough for the job?

For Marc Ellis, this is a particular problem. His job skills consist of being a versatile utility back, insulting Lana CocKroft on live TV, and nothing else. So what does he think? “Well, I went to Otago University. Some funny stuff happened there, I think. So I’ll promote myself as a zany, irreverent practical joker. I’ll need to talk about how … we tried to … that one time … will someone buy my book now please?”

Ellis’s time here was one of parlous academic performance and systematic misapprehension. “Students learn as much outside the University lecture theatre as they do in it,” he claimed recently, trumpeting his time here as his central formative experience.

This is actually a sad indictment on Ellis’ life.

Unless you’re actually in the Selwyn Ballet, the Otago Student Experience™ consists in practice of learning to make your own risotto, whinging about the cold, drinking a large amount of alcohol, whinging about your flat, and drinking another large amount of alcohol. You’ll note my Proctology gig – founded to chronicle Scarfie hijinks gone awry – is basically a fortnightly repetition of “Drunk twerp breaks something.” The Otago branch of KAOS, a nationwide club founded for the purpose of staging on-campus pranks, seldom had much success at mustering

participants for anything that didn’t involve drinking, and recently collapsed altogether.

Otago students are, in fact, a very boring, lazy, unimaginative group of people.

Accordingly, Ellis seldom offers any actual examples of his whacky student malarky – just nostalgic bluster about the last period in his life when he had lots of free time, and what he would have done with it if he’d been more interested. He can, however, attack “the University’s Board of Directors, who are undoubtedly grey-haired old men” for their “myopic” decision to close the Gardies. That’s nonsense. Firstly, Gardies closed for want of business; frontloading is cheaper. Secondly, it was a wretched, dreary little hole, and is no great loss to anyone.

Thirdly, the University doesn’t have a Board of Directors.

Ellis’s loud distortions of truth are frequently excused on the grounds that they’re good advertising. For years now, such talk has been bringing in people who, frankly, shouldn’t be here. A friend of mine once came to me in tears, saying, “I’ve been flatting. I’ve lived in a hall. I’ve seen the Capping Show and done two Cookathons.

Why am I still at Otago?” I almost cried myself. At a recent open day I met some high-school whelp who wanted to ask a ‘real student’ three important questions about Otago – which hall is closest to The Cook, how much is beer at The Cook, and how late does The Cook stay open? A lot of the famed pressure on our campus facilities is being exerted by adolescent fools whose ambitions in coming here have as much to do with education as a hentai schoolgirl’s kilt

has to do with my grandfather’s pipe-band sporran. These people are not students. They are tourists.

Ellis isn’t solely responsible for this, of course. Otago itself is contributing to the problem with an ad campaign focused exclusively on preposterous, sanitised exaggerations of our campus culture. But Ellis’ constant banging on about his (largely imaginary) experiences here, along with his laboured cheeky-scalliwag bit, has done a lot to cement this. Traditionally, universities tolerate high-spirited nonsense from their junior members on the basis that you can hardly expect otherwise from large crowds of young people. Once in a blue moon someone will, indeed, exploit this leeway in an amusing fashion, but once the bottle shops open the urban myth of the puckish, adventurous Scarfie prankster mostly just creates headaches for the Proctor. To suggest, as Ellis does, that this is a core function of university demonstrates his lack of respect for the opportunities he was offered. It reduces tertiary education to a bizarre inversion of reality TV – you’re expected to get your top off and act like a moron, but win enough challenges and you get to go home. Sod that.

The popular notion that slumming it with the couch-burners for a few years somehow imparts self-discipline and maturity is also highly suspect, at least with regard to Ellis.

In 2005 police surveillance teams observed him buying Ecstasy tablets from a dealer they were tracking. He pled guilty, copped a fine, and offered only the most brief, contrived, stage-managed contrition. And we still buy his juice. The careers of Keith Murdoch and Brent Todd must be spinning in their graves.

Marc Ellis is a national and institutional embarrassment. He is a blustering fool, a show-off, a convicted drug offender, and a sad, lazy attention whore. His book, like everything else he’s done since the 1995 World Cup, is a dire exercise in parroting clichés. He spent five years here without learning what a university is, has no respect for the institution, and is damaging its reputation. This is not his place in the world. He should not be allowed to use it to promote his half-arsed excuse for a career. The University and its members, at all levels, must do more to distance themselves from this failure.

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Over and Out. Part 2: ... and Out. The feedback I get is that Critic is a quality student magazine, far better than all the other student rags in New Zealand. Which signifies that we should take pride in it and it is worth making even better. For some reason people don’t value things as much when the cost is hidden. But although you don’t pull out your wallet or purse every time you pick up Critic, that doesn’t take away from its value. It takes a considerable amount of goodwill, passion, and unpaid (wo)man-hours to get Critic into your hands. The same sort of reasoning applies to OUSA. The people at OUSA provide valuable welfare and representation and not all of it is paid for or appreciated.

For my part I would like to say thanks. When I was broke and stressed OUSA lent me a hand with a food package; I can put ‘Class Representative’ on my CV, which sounds more official than it was; and they helpfully cut me about five locker keys while I perpetually lost them. And thanks to the Monday morning treat and weeklong procrastination that is Critic. Specifically, Head on Fire and the first (but not second) year of Human Lefts. Also cheers to Ben for putting up with my general uselessness and occasionally being, a word you never get to use, dare I say it, tardy.

I’m out. Off to get a job which may be terminated in the first 90 days because no one pointed out to National that employers could already have trial periods before passing the Fire at Will Bill. I won’t be working for NZAID like I wanted because Mr. Murray dead-inside McCully rolled it back into the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade. Now New Zealand may give poor people a hand up, but first they have to jump how high we tell them.

Total bullshit. There are generally no jobs in any Ministry under National, in part because public sector workers write reports that contradict and undermine their ill thought-out policies.

It’s over to you. To my knowledge, the only people that put their names forward to speak on the left of Edward Greig were myself and Jess Holmes. This is despite the existence of Young Labour, Campus Greens, ISO, SEA, and hundreds of talented Pols and Law students.

One of the best issues of Critic this year was the 85th Anniversary edition. It recalled forgotten eras when students got serious from time to time. Now most of the letters to the editor are all “Oh look at how zany and kooky I am.” It’s as if commentary has been overrun by a bunch of fucking indie kids. Where are the political metalheads out there who know how to play their instruments and will knock you flat with a wall of sound? I’m going to tell you what I get told when I go to a good show: “MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE!”

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I

f Paul Henry has done something right, it is surely setting up yet another opportunity to sell TVNZ. While his statements were clearly based on race and suggest a very small mind, especially with regarding what is funny, the response has been a little out of proportion. If you hire someone to be a dickhead on television, and then suspend them for fulfilling that role, then you are a hypocrite.

The people calling for his head are going too far of course, and of course it is interesting to compare the reaction to Henry’s comment and the recent statements of Hone Harawira. Both were not overtly racist, neither explicitly stated they believed one race to be better than another. But both clearly have some underlying belief that shapes the way they speak, and that belief certainly appears to be rather ugly. Although I am beginning to suspect that Mr. Henry is now merely satirising the public image that he has created for himself, anyone who has watched him in action has to admit he is almost so bad it’s all an act. The Indian response has been entirely over the top as well. Paul Henry is clearly an idiot, and as he isn’t the Prime Minister or in any important foreign affairs role, I would suggest that they gain some perspective. As much as anyone has the right to make fun of New Zealand, we should have the right to do the same to others. Censoring anyone, even television hosts, is not a road that we want to go down. It’s not like Mr. Henry was speaking on behalf of New Zealand, he was just appealing to the lowest common denominator, something he is entitled to do and a broadcasting company is entitled to encourage.

But it’s a little more complicated. You see, despite TVNZ ostensibly being a separate company, it is still government-owned.

So when Paul Henry, very public employee of the government of New Zealand, makes comments about Indians, then things are a little more problematic. While he isn’t speaking on behalf of the government, he is beholden to them as his ultimate employer. So my problem is that while I am happy for any private company to do their hardest to embarrass New Zealand, I really don’t want to have to pay for it. On that view, the Governor-General may have the least right of any New Zealander to be offended, as since he doesn’t pay tax, he is the furthest removed from responsibility for the comments. So let TVNZ do whatever it wants to attract an audience, don’t hamstring it with a charter, and then also expect it to try and make a profit. And most of all, it isn’t the government’s role to support a poor quality television station with presenters of the standard of Paul Henry.

Anicia: There is no doubt that without a student loan most students could not afford to study. In a simple equation money equals the chance for an education. If you cancel out the money, you are left without a chance.

When we think of students who fail half their exams, we most likely think of two examples: the blonde girl in the front row who is plainly too stupid to put one and one together, and the drunk loser you saw running down Grange Street last Tuesday only wearing socks and who quite likely drank away all the brain cells that potentially stored some of the information he heard in the last lecture. That is, if he ever went to one. The question seems reasonable: why waste the precious tax money on them?

Well … what if blondie is actually just slow?

Maybe she needs to take a paper three times before she is able to grasp the concepts. Maybe this is because she is dumb or maybe she needs time to adjust to the educational system. If you cut down the money for all ‘slow’ people that don’t perform to the standards of what you think is the norm, it is plain discrimination.

As to the Grange Street guy: while it is expected that an adult should be aware of the consequences of their actions and therefore understand the simple connection ‘you fail = you don’t get money’, in practice this is not always that easy. An 18-year-old teenager faced with a variety of new influences (including alcohol, girls/boys/both, or maybe just a new living situation) might just not make the right decisions. Maybe he even chose the wrong degree.

Maybe he failed maths, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t ace anthropology. Should those decisions define the rest of his life? Does the working world really want the clean-cut student without detours?

And what about the extra pressure? Isn’t it hard enough to pass exams with your parents on your back and your own anxiety of failure? Do we really need the additional financial pressure?

In the end, the question is: who is allowed to be judging whether or not you should get a second chance? Who is allowed to decide about your life?

Should

We Cut Off Lo ans To Fail Hal Studen f Their ts Who Exams?

Oliver: University and further education institutions are meant to be places of learning and success. Due to easily available student loans and open entrance to universities, too many people now enroll at university simply for the lifestyle and stories. There has been a significant increase in those attending university, many of whom consider it to be just the ‘next thing’ after finishing school.

A university education is now considered a right that requires the bare minimum of performance.

Degrees that lead to no specific job title see a far higher failure rate than other science or law courses, as it is believed that they will be easier to complete. All that is gained from this is a worthless degree and a lifetime worth of debt. Many who enroll in these qualifications would be far better suited applying for apprenticeships or going straight into the work force. By allowing those who repeatedly fail their papers to continue borrowing we lower the value of degrees for everyone. A flood of qualifications with limited direct application gives little advantage to the graduate against competitors.

With more people now attending university, those who leave with only a basic qualification have gained little advantage in the workplace. This is partially due to slackers taking four or five years to complete a degree that should be done in three. Even after repeated fails these students stay because the money remains available. The result is endless borrowing, further increasing student dept for a degree of little or no value in the workplace.

By cutting off loans to students who fail more than half their papers we will see the value of degrees stabilise, and possibly even increase. It is pointless for someone who continues to fail at even a basic level, to continue a qualification that will provide them with nothing, and simply put the student community into greater dept. A bachelor in anything is worthless if it has taken an extra two years to complete because of laziness or inability. A standard BA that has taken five years to complete is equal to bugger all, and you may as well be asking, “Would you like fries with that?”

Debatable is a column written by the Otago University Debating Society. They meet every Tuesday at 7pm in Commerce 2.20 35

O

ver this semester, a great many different demographics have featured in this column, and not all of them have been presented in the most favourable light. The majority of them probably don’t deserve fair treatment anyway, but that’s not really important. What is important is the fact that I’ve been sitting at my desk all semester laying waste to all these different social stereotypes, with absolutely no repercussions or retribution whatsoever. If you’re fit to dish it out, you should be fit to take it too. So as a parting gift, my last column, I’m going to turn the tables for a change. This week, Matthew, I’m going to be Matt, the Critic columnist.

If you really want to be Matt Chapman, the first thing you will have to do is inflate your ego to about twelve times its normal size.

In case you didn’t realise, Critic is read by approximately 16 000 people every week, so an exorbitantly large sense of entitlement and self importance seems to come with the territory. You will also need to possess the ability to consistently make vague, unfounded, and unfair generalizations: if you’re going to have a column focused on stereotypes, generalisations will be your best friend. Although, to be honest, they’ll probably be your only friend. Ripping out almost every social group that inhabits the University of Otago doesn’t exactly make you the most popular person around.

Don’t be afraid to break your own rules either. I mean, you’re supposedly writing a column on the most common social stereotypes in society, but when was the last time you saw a pirate or a cowboy walking down George Street? Also – just in case you haven’t realised – harshness is pretty key as well. I don’t just mean harshness in the column either; if on the extremely rare occasion you receive fan mail, make sure to completely misinterpret the motives of the letter, and then proceed to ridicule the author with violent ferocity. The best part is you always win! They can’t write back in response to your response!

Generally, overusing a joke is rather frowned upon, but if you’re Matt Chapman, then it’s completely okay. If you finally come up with a decent joke, you should put it every single column so that people never forget how funny your joke was. Pick one specific group or demographic, fabricate some ridiculous quality about them, and then exploit that joke until it’s as used up as a girl from UniCol after a night out. No one wants originality these days; originality means you have to think more. What Scarfie wants to think more?

Matt Chapman is so pretentious that he probably thinks that people actually read and care about what he writes in his column and that they respect him as a person. So make sure you finish your last column for the year with some cheesy and cliché statement like: “Thanks for being a great audience and all the best for exams. Peace.”

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S

o here we are the final stand of Sport Potato. It’s been a good ride the past fourteen weeks, and I hope you enjoyed it. I’ve covered quite a few different sports and sporting people, writing pretty much whatever came to my head. What I’ve discovered is that the sporting world is quite fickle, really; there is so much going on at once and with it constantly changing from one day to the next it’s hard to keep up.

All this has given me now a greater respect for those in the media who report on sport. I always assumed that sports writers were like P.E. teachers, that they just really liked sport and that it was one way to keep on living the dream. But when you think about it, the Keith Quinns of this world, with his docile tone and childhood excitement for grown men playing in the dirt, adds to our sporting experience.

Many think that sport reporters have it easy: following their beloved sport around the globe, staying in nice hotels and never having to really mingle with the folks. On the other side of the coin though, athletes can be the biggest prima donnas around, and unlike politicians or other important people who regularly get caught up in the media they really don’t have to answer any questions if they don’t want to.

The humble sports broadcaster is also subjected to a lot of abuse from us punters. League fans are almost unanimous in their hate for Jason (Costo) Costigan and his whiney voice. Murray Mexted is one of those guys who people love to hate, then again people also love him and his incoherent bordering on institutional ramblings.

Sport, like politics, seems to pull in the crazies, mainly because both tug at our primordial heart strings and evoke strong emotions. These slightly disturbed people, whether they are playing or reporting, are what make us turn on our TV’s every weekend.

And isn’t that the point, we don’t really need to have sport taking so much of our time, but it’s what makes us happy.

Whether it’s in Dunedin or Delhi, sport is the great unifier across the globe. I know it also leads people to be violent against each other, though they are still unified just it’s because of their hatred to each other.

Finally I will make some very bold predictions on future sporting outcomes. First off, the All Blacks will win the World Cup – or lose it, it’s hard to tell. The All Whites will continue to get better and will qualify for the 2014 World Cup, where they will lose every match, and people will lose interest again.

And next year the Rugby World Cup will divide our nation in half. Some will love it because there will be no escape from rugby, and thousands of visitors will arrive to party in our streets. The other half will hate it because there will be no escape from rugby and thousands of visitors will arrive to party in our streets.

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Steps to Writing a Top 5 My reign of offensive and distasteful humour is coming to a close. What better way to go out than to give my secret Top 5 formula to my fellow fans?

All ten of you.

5. A Frivolous Pseudonym: Obviously, my name isn’t

actually Richard Cheese. The name was taken from a jazz singer who does covers of popular songs. I’m not going to tell you my real name because it will probably ruin any employment opportunities I might have. Oh, and just in case you have no imagination, ‘Dick’ is another name for ‘Richard’. Get it now? I’m a fourth-year and this character is based on things that have happened to me and my friends while I’ve been down here, so cheers to them for their inspiration/antics. A lot of the references are based on real stories, while others are porky pies. For example, I don’t actually have a pet iguana named Pedro. His name is Xerxes.

4. Crude Jokes: From the beginning of the year it was my goal to write something so bad that Critic wouldn’t publish it because Critic has become so pussy over the years. I managed to accomplish this goal. Twice – mostly through the use of pure vulgarity. A special thanks goes out to Ben for putting up with my shit and not being awkward that time I got so drunk, I emailed him asking if he used the whole ‘Editor’ card as a pick-up line.

3. A ‘Good’ Topic: The point of the Top 5 is not to give you the actual Top 5. Rather, it’s to ridicule people. Of course, topics like sex, Facebook, and drinking are always winners because, well, that’s pretty much all we do at Otago! Alternative topics are just how much I hate everything/everyone.

2. Similes and metaphors: To make the greatest impact on the reader, you need to invoke an image in the mind. For example, if I say, “Don’t think about grass” you can’t help but think about it. So when I say “don’t think about Susan Boyle sitting naked in your bed smearing butter around her nipples,” your sick mind will concoct such an image. Now just throw around “like” and “as” every now and then and you’ve got it!

1. Never be serious: There’s an old saying that goes “You

can’t polish a turd.” So, much like this column, you can’t turn something that’s shit into something it’s not. I really do hope that I’ve offended some people ‘cos you are the people that need to lighten up. For the rest of you, I hope you’ve enjoyed having a good laugh once a week and taken this column for the massive yarn it is. Now that I’ve given you my secret formula, you can write your own amazing Top 5s! Because the truth is, there’s a little bit of Richard Cheese in all of us.

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M

a n y t hin g c oul d ha ppe n

uch like the way the apocalypse could strike us all down in our prime, leaving so many things in life unfinished, so too must this series of columns come to an end before it has fully served its purpose. It is with a heavy heart that I write this final entry, knowing that despite all the advice I have given you on how to prepare for the apocalypse, there is still so much left to go over. Though I’ve covered some of the more obvious scenarios – nuclear war, pandemics, the Black Eyed Peas – there are still so many more ways in which we could all meet a grisly end. Realistically, anything could happen at any time, but I will leave you with a handful of the literally infinite number of apocalyptic scenarios that have not already been mentioned.

For a start, it is well known that the driving urge behind humanity’s existence is the avoidance of awkward situations, an ancient instinct that protects the entire world’s population from having a shared experience so awkward that the Earth would explode from awkwardness. Or perhaps mankind will simply fall over and be unable to get back up. Then there is the fear that humanity will somehow become infertile, leading to a lack...of babies and therefore a lack of lunch options for Pope Benedict XVI. Or maybe we will all just be put off sex forever by simultaneously seeing a picture of Paul Holmes naked.

Perhaps all the comments on YouTube will finally coalesce into a giant seething ball of racism and ignorance and run amok throughout the world, devouring everything in its path. Or maybe someone will create a LOLcat so funny that everyone will LOL so hard they are unable to breathe. On the subject of hilarious jokes, perhaps Sarah Palin will be elected President in 2012 and accidentally unleash America’s entire nuclear arsenal on the world after a long night on the moose juice. That is, of course, if Zombie Hitler doesn’t come back and finish us all off first.

The seas could rise, flooding entire continents and making our everyday lives a lot like Sea World, except with fewer awesome rides and more floating corpses. Or perhaps all the volcanoes will erupt at once, covering everything in liquid hot magma and freeing all the spirits imprisoned within by the tyrannical galactic dictator Xenu. On that note, there is the chance that we will have to fight invading extraterrestrial beings in an extended metaphor for American independence, just like in that movie, Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style. And hey, while we’re here, let’s not forget the possibility that mankind could simply spontaneously combust at any time for no particular reason.

And now, the end times truly have come: after a ridiculous six years contributing to this magazine, I am done. Thanks to Critic and anyone who’s still reading this stuff. I can only hope that the apocalypse will be much faster and less painful.

W

hen I arrived at Otago, the University was doing all it could to get students here. I was sold the Scarfie culture by the ‘Get Over It’ campaign, supported by many a good story from previous students. It was quickly stopped as the University introduced (not without a certain amount of angst) its own army to calm the campus anarchy. The Undie 500 riots and other similar events steadily got more out of hand but also more routine, to the point where they became an expected annual event.

Campus Watch has proved to be trouble for those pushing the boundaries and a help for those who really need it. For those in the middle, they usually let the law-abiding drunk go about his or her business. Some feel safer having them, some feel resentful that they have less chance of getting away with certain ‘Scarfie’ behaviour.

We have more students than ever before and the University has made public its plans for Dunedin domination (a.k.a. places to put them all). The North Dunedin economy has also changed swiftly.

One of our favourite pubs is no longer a viable business, and others are struggling. Supermarkets are selling alcohol cheap as ever while by-laws and overheads make it tough for bars to compete. All the while we are hearing rumours of first-years in halls being too cool for alcohol and getting busted for selling drugs.

Our social culture is changing quickly, as are the rules at University. Not only did the University make it harder to get in and easier to get kicked out, but the Government has limited student loan access and restricted funding to Universities.

OUSA has also gone through some significant changes this year, from reforming the Executive structure and moving the democratic process online to formally reviewing every single service we offer. There’s still a long way to go to achieve the goals we’re after. Next on the hit list is student apathy, as we work on better ways to communicate with you.

Voluntary Student Membership is another significant challenge to be tackled over the coming months. The priorities are to ensure OUSA has the legitimacy to represent all students and to ensure that as many services as possible continue to run. It will be difficult and there will be more changes to come, but we’ve been preparing for a while.

Your Executive has been working really hard for you this year, as have the many people who work at OUSA/Planet Media. We are an organisation that relies on the goodwill of our supporters and many volunteers. Thank you so much to everyone that has contributed. The work put in by all who are a part of the organisation is invaluable.

Finally, a thank you to Critic. Ben has been amazing to work with and at leading a great team that keeps OUSA honest and provides a great service to students.

Words cannot express how much joy I get from Maori success.

The ups, the downs, the running around, Brings joy to those who have found, The doors to TRM and faces that are brown.

Your place of belonging, of whanau, of friends, That cuzzie down the road that’ll always have a bed, Noodles when you’re hungry and Nurofen for your head You found the cuzzie, the funny whaka, dat girl, the bro But sooner or later it’s time to go ...

So this is my farewell to you my fellow bro.

The time has come for me to put down my Tumuakz hat, with absolutely no regret.

Our time together was long and fun, unfortunately with limited sun My skin’s (believe it or not) gone pale, I’ve drunk too many ales, I’ve fallen, I’ve failed, I’ve graduated and wailed.

My Tupuna are calling me... “Hoki mai moko, kua roa nei te wa ki wahi ke” So with many a tear and VSM fear, I put down my hata and bid farewell Far from sight, never forgotten, forever in my heart.

Te Roopu Maori, what is your profession ...

Kia ora whanau, So the column for this final week is like a signing off for Fallyn and a signing on for myself heading into 2011. Firstly I would like to take this opportunity to say a massive thanks to Fallyn for all her time and effort she has put into TRM over the past couple of years, and especially for her efforts this year in regards to TRM and the Maori Centre getting the new whare. I wish you all the best in your future ventures e hoa, you will be greatly missed.

To the other members of Te Rito this year, you guys have been awesome and done some mean mahi. Jared, Khan, and Heramaahina, all the best with wherever the road takes you next year; and to Rimutere and Rewiri, I’m looking forward to working with you again on Te Rito.

2011 ... All I can say is that I am excited and nervous all at the same time. We have some pressing issues such as VSM that we will be needing to deal with in order to maintain the existence of TRM in the future, however with the move into the new whare TRM is moving forward and I am sure that Te Rito 2011 will strive to ensure that TRM continues to grow and provide support and services for Maori students on campus.

Good luck to you all with your upcoming exams, will see you in 2011!

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FOURTH

Letter of the YEAR wins a $30 book voucher NICEST LETTER WE’VE RECEIVED ALL YEAR

Dear Sir, Sadly – it’s Goodbye!

After eight years, I returned to complete a dip.grad. Should be fun, I thought.

Wrong! The whole place had been computerised and I was not comfortable in the twenty-first century. This year I have been dragged into it, with a laptop, cell phone, and broadband. I now use all of them and understand less than half their functions (managed fine without them for seventy years).

To the many nameless students whom I disturbed in their studies, in the library and computer station, with my pathetic pleas for help – thank you, thank you, thank you. I could not have given in an essay, let alone passed the papers, without you. Without fail you were pleasant, knowledgeable, kind and helpful. I wish you every success. Sadly I am now out of here, but I take with me fond memories of you all.

Signed – The little, annoying, grey-haired grandma!

SECOND

Does the university actually expect us inebriated scarfies to not press those Emergency buttons just for the lols? They’re all in convenient places on the way to our destinations for a bit of drunken fun. Don’t release Campus Watch from their steelframed cages at Mach 3 like Mr. Burn’s wolves at us, we just mean well. Girls just wanna have fun.

- Cyndi Lauper THIRD

Hi, I’m from Auckland.

I wore my styley clothes on nude day.

PS. I ruined Dunedin from Auckland Skuxx Cunt.

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Dear Critic, I write this to express my aversion to some of the insinuations made in this publication of late. One in Bouncing of the Halls- Issue 22; where two girls were supposedly offered $25 to hook up in front of a group of guys.

Instead of money they were plied with alcohol all evening which led to “loosening of the hinges” further a win-win for the boys “we speculate”. I sincerely doubt that situation was a win-win for the two women who by the end of the evening may have wanted to go home with each other…… without men!! Oh!!

Now that would have hurt the old patriarchal pride! I am disgusted at what this article suggests; that two women who had money and alcohol thrust at them would then be “loosened” and willing for sex!! Women are not sex objects or “da bitches” as quoted in Issue 23 who were placed on this earth to be used to meet the need for “pussy” after a “three quarter wank” by the male species.

Those terms and degradation of women in an issue to celebrate Women’s Week, and only a few pages away Shonelle Eastwood (Women’s Rep) expresses her thoughts about some of the issues facing women; including the big wage disparities, then most closely linked to my feelings about the rubbish printed in these issues RAPE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT against women who have been drinking. By drinking alcohol it DOES NOT invite men to have sex with women and should not be seen as “loosening up” any hinges!! Women deserve and are entitled to RESPECT and in the words of Germaine Greer “Freedom from being the thing looked at rather than the person looking back” I am grateful for having a mind and an ability to not accept these heteronormative and patriarchal attitudes.

With strength, Nic Dorward.

FIFTH

Dear Critic, I recently discover that the main flavour in my all time favourite study treat- Pinks Smokers from the Mayceys Original Classics range, available from campus shop for 70 cents - is none other than the ancient aphrodisiac musk.

To my surprise I also discovered that musk is the name originally given to a substance with a penetrating odor obtained from a gland of the male musk deer, which is

situated between its back/rectal area.

If only I had found out earlier, I would have saved myself the 70 cents and just licked a deers anus.

Yours sincerely, Back/rectal gland lover.

SIXTH

All this talk of Paul Henry and racism and sh*t got me reflecting on things around Otago Uni – I reckon for the most part Otago Students get along with one another quite fine – however we do seem to live in our segregated groupies only to come together at lectures or when forced to by teachers – you can see this pretty much every time you walk around campus – Just sitting here now as I type in the “Link” I see we have the Chinese group huddled around books and desks together either studying health sci or playing Might and Magic online, there is an Indian crowd huddled together downing huge amounts of coffee, the Muslims girls in their beautiful headscarf’s who are gossiping in whispers about something, then I have rural rugby heads who pretty much walk around together in tight arse shorts and not to forget the snobby white Auckland “Go-girls” huddled in seats who are talking about shopping or who they had sex with in the weekend.

The point of this ramble is that students should learn to integrate a bit more – cultural integration means more than just having Sushi for lunch and saying you like Japanese people. It means saying hi and learning about other cultures and languages – you’ll be surprised how similar other people are in their goals and passions! So get out of your stereotypical box and go talk say hi to someone who is not from NZ, join a cultural club next year, learn a language – so hopefully next year I can sit in the Link and see people in headscarf’s talking to rugby heads in tight shorts and Asians sharing coffees and conversation with Auckland Go Girls. Peace Out Dudes P.S Your mags cartoons rock!!!! And if I win the prize for this letter you can donate it to the Dunedin Public Library, as that is what any good Disney character would do.

Micky Mouse SEVENTH

Yo, Accounting girls are hot – but are they trying to be extra distracting or something at this stressful time of year? It is hard

enough as a guy just trying concentrate on the lecturer without a cute brunette with a white see-through blouse wearing a black bra and blessed by ample breasts also sporting a tight miniskirt and matching boots to boot sit beside you during a lecture. BIGGEST BONER EVER!!!

Adam Horny Haward Student P.S Hot Accounting Girls I’m available call me 0215529863 EIGHTH

Dear Julia Hollingsworth Reading your article regarding the student forum, I am disappointed that I made out to be some sort of religious zealot (talkative and confused). I do know the function of NZUSA and my question regarding NZUSA and what effect pulling out of it would have on Clubs and Societies was a question of direct/ indirect effects IF ANY EXISTED. THERE IS ALWAYS A FUCKING DOMINO EFFECT OF SOME KIND AND I WANTED TO KNOW IF AT ALL IT WOULD AFFECT CLUBS AND FUCKING SOCIETIES. So before you shove your head so far up your arse and paint me as a some kind of nutjob get your facts right. LOL I don’t actually care, this just gave me a reason to write to the critic for the first time. YAY :) the religious zealot NINTH

Dear Critic, I would like to thank you for opening my eyes to the tragic state of the sex trade in this country with your informative report on Earth’s most dangerous places. I had no idea that over 3 million prostitutes a year were landing in Christchurch’s Avon. With one death every 10 seconds in Christchurch alone, it is astounding that NZ is able to maintain a population of only 4.3 million.

Or is it perhaps the same small group of locals who constantly have to scramble out of the ‘fabled river’, only to be pushed back in again minutes later? In either case, a ‘police clean up’ is hardly ‘desperately needed’.

Also objectionable is your description of Yuri Struchkov as ‘productive’ in your ‘Front Page’ section. A man professed to produce one report every four days and delivering 48 at the end of his 9 year stretch should hardly sit beneath such a headline. What became of his other 774 papers? Please clarify.

Regards, Perplexed

p.s - Felicitations on the ASPA Best Student Publication award.

TENTH

Dear Critic I am writing this coz I am kinda pissed off at my flatmate and because of the lack of sleep. I could not get to sleep because a there was continuous thrusting against the thin wall that separated my room from my flatmates, I imagine this was a bed – this woz followed by loud moans and shouting from both male and female voices like” “Harder” “Make it bigger baby” “Dont stop” “give me more!!!!!!”

I awoke the next day to find my flatmate pretty happy – but I was pissed off coz I had a test the next day and the bastard had not even made me breakfast! Hope you had fun .... you bastard!!!! Thanks to the bastard landlord who also is a cheap arse and only separates the room with crap board!!!

From Ben who is both ANGERY AND TIRED

ELEVENTH

Dear Critic, It seems you have a need for a VSM letter I will oblige.

What does VSM do? VSM provides students with choice and it allows us to act our age. Under VSM students young and old are asked an important question, do you think your students association is worth your money? If like me they decide it is; they will pay the fee. If however they do not want to be associated with their association then they no longer have to be. How is that a bad thing? .

It is not right to merely take a wad of cash off students who are already mostly cash strapped and then spend it according to the wishes of a laughable minority of their brethren. It is not right that when it is clear most students do not care for a union that the union can take advantage and make them pay for its survival. Student unions are meant to serve students, so why do they seem to only serve themselves by taking, not asking for the funds they need.VSM gives students the responsibility which comes with their age, they get to choose representation, not the other way around.

A Dick.

DUNEDIN FILM SOCIETY SCREENING October 20 at 7.30 pm in The Red Lecture Theatre – Return to the Dark Side – an impressive selection of recent short films that cont inue to reinforce New Zealand’s ‘Cine ma of Unease’. Casual admission will be possible in exchange for a small donation. See the website for furth er information: http://dunedinfilmsociety . tripod.com.

DIVISION OF HUMANITIES MAORI AND PACIFIC BRIDGING SCHOLARSHIPS If you are intending to proceed to k Masters and Doctoral research chec y 5 Frida close ns catio Appli out. e thes n November 2010. For more informatio i: and eligibility criteria contact Ana Rang @ whina .kaia nities huma , 868 03 479 otago.ac.nz, or Phil Lemalu: 03 479 9619, phil.lemalu@otago.ac.nz.

SEMAPHORE MAGAZINE

This award-winning fantasy and sci-fi magazine is currently looking for new short stories and poetry

by New Zealand writers; cover and illustration art; and volunteers for several positions in 2011. See semaphoremagazine.com for more details or query semaphoremagazine@gmail.com.

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Critique Analyse this...

45 food

46 BOOKS

48 performance

49 art

50 music

53 games

54 film

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Otago Farmers' Market

Dunedin Railway Station

E

very week, the masses crawl out of their warm cosy beds on a Saturday morning to head to the Otago Farmers’ Market (Dunedin Railway Station north car park, Anzac Avenue). I know that a lot of people get their supply of fresh meat and vegetables from the market, but I am one of those silly city slickers who were brought up on supermarkets and haven’t changed my habits, yet. So, when I go to the market, I tend to spend all my money on the wide variety of scrumptious, ready-to-eat food.

The first thing on my mind is usually, “I want a bacon buttie!” Even when I don’t, as soon as I get a whiff of the intoxicating aroma of bacon cooking, I want one. The proprietor of Touch of Dutch has long been dubbed ‘Bacon Buttie Man’ by his customers and the business has become so well known by that name that they now have a Bacon Buttie Man logo emblazoned on the side of the truck and on their wrappers. They also offer yummy Eurodogs, but there’s a reason it’s ‘Bacon Buttie Man’ not ‘Eurodog Man’. Sandwiched between two soft pieces of white bread, are layers and layers of delicious, perfectly grilled shaved bacon mixed with lovely caramelised onions and a perfectly complementary sauce mixture of ketchup, mustard, and corn relish. I challenge you to bite into one of these and not make the “MMMMHH-this-is-so-$%^&*@-good” sound!

The other thing that emits the most wonderful, irresistible, drool-inducing scent are the tasty, tender, beautifully marinated barbecued lamb kebabs from Koau Flowers. Nine times out of ten, I find myself automatically following my nose to their stall to get some. For something sweet, I go to The Tart Tin. I particularly like the luscious, velvety pear tart and the very chocolatey brownie, but Matt Cross (a.k.a Cupcake Guy to my friends and me) also offers a variety of other tarts, cupcakes, lemon bars, micro-cakes, and a big, friendly grin every single time you approach his table. There are of course, numerous other extremely popular vendors like La Crepe, where you can get good sweet and savoury crepes, and Pie Time (a.k.a. Who Ate All The Pies?), which specialises in gourmet pies, but by the time I have my favourite buttie and kebab, and sometimes a waffle too, I am usually too stuffed to eat anything else – which is why there are quite a few things from other vendors that I haven’t had the chance sample yet.

For those who will be spending the summer here, look out of the Big Fat Cherry Company in January. The Big Fat Cherry’s cherries are about 3cm in diameter. They’re so beautifully fat that they look like they’re about to burst out of their skins. When my teeth crack the taut, crisp skin of one of these gorgeous, firm, dark red, rotund cherries, I am initially greeted by the faintest taste of wine-like bitter-sweetness and followed by an explosion of delicious, sweet cherry juice and flesh which melt in my mouth. In my opinion, they’re like tasty little mini plums.

Little cherry juice bombs! Heavenly.

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I’d intended to end the year with a piece on my desert-island, all-time, top five favourite books, but after running through dozens of candidates, I realised I couldn’t pick just five books. In my head, the next best thing was to write about the top five books I’ve read this year. So, here we go, in no particular order:

How Bad Are Bananas?, by Mike Berners-Lee The Arrival, by Shaun Tan High Fidelity, by Nick Hornby Gilead, by Marilynne Robinson The Alphabet of Grace, by Frederick Buechner How Bad Are Bananas? is the odd one out. It’s the most unambiguously non-fictional work in the set, and it’s the least, well, beautiful. Most of the books I’m drawn to these days are either prettily illustrated or prettily written. How Bad Are Bananas? is neither, but there’s something aesthetically pleasing about its sheer usefulness. Berners-Lee’s aim is to begin to develop our carbon-equivalent footprint intuitions, by taking us through the footprint calculations for over 100 common products and activities. It’s not meant as a definite reference text, though it can be used as a rough guide; Berners-Lee likens it to the very rough maps made by early seafarers, inaccurate but much better than nothing. That said, I think the best way to read this book is from cover to cover, slowly abstracting handy heuristics for making our own rough footprint calculations in real life. At very least, it’ll teach you to ask the right questions of a product (e.g., how was it shipped?), though I think that it has more to offer than that. The revelation, for example, that the embodied or production carbon costs of a product (e.g., car) tends to exceed the footprint generated by its use throughout its life has obvious implications for our consumer choices. It might well turn out, depending on what you did with your old car, that switching to a hybrid would be an environmentally unfriendly option. Anyway, this is the kind of book that gets people acting, rather than wallowing in massive guilt over their high carbon lifestyles. It helps to us to take small (but increasingly large) steps, and pick our battles wisely and informedly. It’s certainly done so for me.

I first encountered Shaun Tan’s work at Mazagran on Moray Place (terrific coffee, by the way), and then again soon after at the kids’ section of the public library. I fell in love with The Arrival immediately, but then again, I’d probably have loved everything this girl recommended to me. Months later, she gave me a copy as a parting gift ...

Shaun Tan has a particular genius for conveying emotionally rich narratives via his illustrations, with few (if any) words. I hesitate to call The Arrival a picture book (that sounds too childish) or a graphic novel (that reminds me too much of comic magazines), but I suppose that’s what it is. It tells the story of a migrant forced to leave his family behind to seek better prospects in a very foreign land through a series of wordless images, each beautifully and melancholically produced. As the protagonist makes his lonely way in this new and strange place, he meets and is helped by friendly locals, who turn out each to have been migrants with their own stories to tell. It is, of course, a story of belonging, of change, of challenge and difficulty and hope. I’ll admit that The Arrival brings tears to my eyes, and not just because of how it fits within my own personal story, though that surely has something to do with it. It just captures so well, so poignantly, how most of us feel who have come from far away into a new place, a new social context, away from familiar people and places. There’s a lot in the story that I shouldn’t be

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able to relate too and yet the particularities of the narrative seem irrelevant in the end. Reading The Arrival, I am faced with a story of homesickness and hope which I too inhabit.

High Fidelity would make it on all all-time top five list of favourite books. I know, it doesn’t make me seem very erudite. I mean, I love To Kill a Mockingbird and The Brothers Karamazov and all that, and I’d even re-visit them periodically, but I read (or watch) High Fidelity every time I’m feeling down about a girl. I know it pretty well. I shouldn’t apologise for loving this book. What’s there not to love? It’s imminently quotable (this review is replete with references and allusions), it’s got a happy ending, it’s about love and music, it’s funny and poignant, the movie adaptation is brilliant, and its soundtrack kicks fucking arse; Rob, the protagonist-slash-narrator, is witty and honest and flawed, and owns a record store, and makes top-five lists and mixtapes. What’s there not to love? I know it’s just a novel, but I can’t help thinking: if even Rob can end up with the woman he loves and once lost, maybe there’s hope for the rest of us after all. I know it’s silly, but I just can’t help it. I’m not going to spoil it for you. Just read it, OK? Remember what I said earlier about beautiful books? The Reverend John Ames is writing a very long letter, to his seven-year-old son. He is dying and he wants his boy to know his father. This is the best he can do, you see.

And so Ames recounts the story of his life, beginning in biblical fashion at the begats: his father was a preacher, as were his grandparents, as was at least one great grandfather. His father was a pacifist. His grandfather served as a chaplain and carried out guerrilla actions on the abolitionist side before the Civil War, and came back maimed in one eye, a little bit crazier than before. His brother Edward studied Feuerbach at Göttingen. The church had taken a collection to send him to Germany, thinking that he’d make a great preacher. Instead, he came back an atheist. His first wife died in labour, and his newborn daughter didn’t survive either. There’s a lot of tragedy in this book, a lot of tense relationships, a lot of very tense father-son relationships. And yet the stories are recounted with such gentleness that the poignancy manages not to degenerate into despair. Gilead is a beautifully written book. Its world is not a pleasant one, perhaps even less so for its realism. And yet, seeing it through Ames’ lenses, through Ames in his quiet self-effacing wisdom, seems to make all the difference. It feels like a privilege, peering from behind Ames’ shoulder as he struggles to make sense of his past and of this scandalous business before him involving Jack, his best friend John Boughton’s previously estranged son. In all this, in his thoughts and conversations, Ames draws heavily from the Bible and Feuerbach and Calvin and Barth; this is a brave move for a novelist, but Marilynne Robinson somehow manages to do justice to her philosophical and theological sources.

It’s remarkable that the theological reflection comes off as neither preachy nor out of place; it makes perfect sense in the context of the story with its particular characters. Nick Hornby’s response to Gilead was that it makes him want to believe. I can totally relate.

I’m not sure I can say what The Alphabet of Grace is about. It’s not clear to me what sort of book it is. But like High Fidelity and The Gospel according to St. John, I can’t help but reread Frederick Buechner’s William Belden Noble lectures, presented at Harvard in 1969 over and over again. These lectures are supposed to be in theology, but to call The Alphabet of Grace a set of theology lectures almost seems an insult. Or if more people did theology like this, I’d find the entire enterprise much more edifying. “At its heart most theology, like most fiction, is essentially autobiography,” Buechner begins. So, The Alphabet of Grace is theology, is autobiography, is poetry, is literary fiction, is graffiti, is all these things and then some. I can’t possibly do justice to this book. Instead, then, the part of the book to which I most frequently turn: Driving home from church one morning full of Christ, I thought, giddy in the head almost and if not speaking in tongues at least singing in tongues some kind of witless, wordless psalm, I turned on the radio for the twelve o’clock news and heard how a four year old had died that morning somewhere. The child had kept his parents awake all night with his crying and carrying on, and the parents to punish him filled the tub with scalding water and put him in. These parents filled the scalding water with their child to punish him and, scalding and scalded, he died crying out in tongues as I heard it reported on the radio on my way back from of all places church and prayed to almighty God to kick to pieces such a world or to kick to pieces Himself and His Son and His Holy Ghost world without end standing there by the side of that screaming tub and doing nothing while with his scrawny little buttocks bare, the hopeless little four-year-old whistle, the child was lowered in his mother’s arms.

I know, right?

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One Day

RBS Productions Devised by Barbara Power, Simon O’Connor and Richard Huber Performed by Barbara Power and Simon O’Connor Direction from Richard Huber

One Day was performed as part of Dunedin’s Festival of the Arts. This performance presented two pieces of devised theatre that were created around the idea of chance encounters between strangers. In the first piece we met Paddy and Karen, the former a born and breed Dunedinite who had just returned from working as a nurse in Africa for many years and the latter a windsurfer, born in South Africa, whose life consists of travelling the country memorialising those in her life who had died. In the second we see Carl and Jordyn, strangers who had a past connection, Carl’s wife Lynne having taught Jordyn music many years before. The pair meet in Dunedin’s Albion place as Jordyn busks, trying to establish her music career.

One Day was quite simply mesmerising. It is hard to put my finger on just what it is about Power and O’Connor but they have a chemistry on stage that is both familiar while being completely unsettling at the same time. They have a total ease with each other on stage but they manage to embody the complete unease of their characters, to the extent that it permeates every inch of the performance space.

I love Huber’s no-frills approach to theatre making and this was the perfect piece to highlight this approach. I always look forward to seeing Power and O’Connor and I was definitely not disappointed.

ary and obligatory r t i b r a ely complet w a rd s ' s c i t i r C TT A

2010 L

Performance Editors seem wont to use the final issues of Critic to spout forth, just one more time, their completely subjective opinion of what they thought was tops about the year gone by. So, I will follow suit and do the same!

Best actor: Joel Rees Best actress: Caitlin McNaughton Most promising new performer: William Tait-Jameson Best director: Paul Rothwell Best new script: Cicadas by Rik Han Best design: Moonscapes designed by Janis C. Y. Cheng Best stage configuration: Crave directed by Eryn van Dyke Most prolific actor: Alex Wilson Most prolific actress: Hana Aoake The craziest idea pulled off perfectly award: Sam Irwin The Malvolio I.v.90 award: Public Display’s of Animosity

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FOUR NEW SHOWS AT DPAG

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ooking for a way to procrastinate during the study break? The DPAG has recently opened four new exhibitions that offer a compelling range of media and messages. From New Zealand’s most renowned abstract artists to the graffiti and installation works of Cut Collective and the eclectic mix of works from the gallery’s collection showcased in Pretty Vacant, there’s something for everyone.

Don Driver is celebrated as one of the leading exponents of modernism in New Zealand. Driver ’71-’75 focuses on an intensive period of his career, exhibiting a large collection of abstract relief works that aimed to challenge the boundaries between painting and sculpture. The colourful works combine horizontal panels of painted canvas and aluminium, creating works that defy a two-dimensional picture plane and engage with a history of 1960s minimalism.

Neighbouring Drivers works is Pieces of Eight, a show that brings together several works by other leading New Zealand abstract artists such as Don Peebles, Milan Mrkusich, Gordon Walters, and Ralph Hotere. Though only a handful of works, Pieces of Eight compliments Driver and together the shows exhibit an era of New Zealand painting.

Cut Collective is a collaborative installation by six stencil graffiti artists, presenting a colourful, interactive, and provocative exhibition. The walls of the large gallery room are covered in images and text combining popular culture, graphic design, local history and social commentary. Posters pasted to the wall like advertisements appropriate the familiar with straight-to-the-point sentences such as “False Hope $6.73” and “Another day another dolla.” Large cardboard cutouts spell “B.U.Y.” in baby blocks and anthropomorphic plastic bags stand beaten and run down in the corner. Consumerism is the clear enemy of Cut Collective and they present an enjoyable and interactive form of social criticism, as gallery goers can take home a copy of the newsprint rag printed specifically for the show.

Some of my favourite works on show at the moment are brought together in Pretty Vacant, an exhibition that celebrates “humble and unassuming” works with a shared D.I.Y. aesthetic. Cardboard is a favourite medium here, used to create a miniature house photographed by Marie Shannon, a boom box by Ricky Swallow, and Saskia Leek’s almost life-sized caravan. Roberta Thornley’s photograph of deflated purple balloon captures the simple sincerity of this show, which includes works by Bill Hammond, Peter Peryer and Micheal Parekowhai. Take a break and go check them out.

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2010... . . . f o r ea The Y est NZ

B Critic's

1: The Year of the Mint Chicks.

2010 was the year of the Mint Chicks. Not only did they release a stunning EP on a USB stick, enter a hiatus in a whirlwind of broken drum kits and fist fights live on the internet, but they also played the coolest show New Zealand has ever seen in a disused military tunnel in Devonport. Even the Horrors were there. HOLY. 2: The Return of Flying Nun.

2010 saw the return of New Zealand’s internationally revered independent label.

Cleverly attempting to hold the balance between maintaining the classic catalogue and signing new, exciting, and relevant acts such as Die! Die! Die! and Grayson Gilmour, Flying Nun is once again at the forefront of New Zealand’s music scene.

3: Feastock.

Dunedin’s premiere music festival. The best bands, the best backyard venue, and the best people. It’s also BYO. Need I say more?

4: Street Chant Wins The Critic’s Choice Award.

A (potentially) tide-changing win that can be summed up by the now infamous words ‘gizz funding’.

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Music Moments

5: The Year Of Live Soundengineering.

Live Soundengineering, a.k.a. local soundman Iain Sweetman proved to be somewhat of a local hero in 2010. Providing supreme expertise and even his own quality PA system to all the best shows in and around Dunedin for a almost criminally low fee.

6: The Year of Bandcamp.

Providing host to free music from New Zealand’s finest, including Nevernudes, Transistors, KITSUNEGARI, Thundercub, Proxy Music, and countless others. Amen.

7: Dunedin Music’s Fifth Birthday.

The most ambitious show undertaken in Dunedin this year saw twenty-plus bands across two stages downstairs at Re:Fuel. It was a wonderfully diverse musical lineup that saw tremendous performances from Mountaineater and Operation Rolling Thunder in particular.

8: Papaiti Records.com.

A beautifully maintained web-based label with an extensive catalogue of locally recorded bootlegs. So So Modern, brains, Rackets, Street Chant, and Seth Frightening all feature.

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Baldur’s Gate Series

PC/Mac, PS2/Xbox

B

ioWare released the first game in the Baldur’s Gate series in 1998. Gamers world-wide were waiting with bated breath one of the anxiously anticipated games ever: Baldur’s Gate. The game used a version of the popular Advanced Dungeons and Dragons system, adapted from turn-based to real-time by BioWare for their computer game – and one which nearly every D&D-based game or the last decade has used since.

Gamers were anxious to use the incredibly detailed 32-bit graphics, 3D sound, and multiplayer support. Baldur’s Gate exceeded even these extremely high expectations and left gamers stunned. Although features like the real-time combat system were criticised before the game’s release, they managed to draw in and absorb both hard-core and casual gamers and are now commonplace.

In Baldur’s Gate BioWare created an entire universe for gamers to explore, and matched it with a traditional, but well executed, character build system, an incredible storyline, and cutting-edge technological inovations to create what is possibly the iconic RPG. Baldur’s Gate II: Shadows of Amn was also met with stellar reviews as it continued the tradition of quality its predecessor began. I would highly recommend these games to anyone. The graphics show their time, and dialogue is all text; however, the universe and story remain as involving and enjoyable as they were upon release.

Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance II, released in 2004, was the final game released in this series. It was the end of an era, and a shame ,as every single game in the series received incredible reviews, especially the PC/Mac ones; however, BioWare continues to bring us other incredible RPGs such as the recently-reviewed Dragon Age: Origins and Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic.

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WIN!

To celebrate the Last Issue, Critic and Hoyts is giving away three double passes. To enter, comment on the link on our Facebook page and tell us your fave last words from a blockbuster!

Facebook.com/critictearohi

Charlie St Cloud

Directed by Burr Steer Hoyts

Zac Efron sees dead people. Charlie St Cloud’s dinky title isn’t exactly appealing to those over ten – but don’t be fooled into thinking this is an innocent film. During its running time, three characters die, and two have sex in a graveyard. The premise: the main character is haunted by people who are no longer alive. Sound familiar?

Charlie St Cloud (Efron) loses his brother Sammy (Charlie Tahan) to a car accident. At the funeral, he breaks down and runs away sobbing, only to encounter the ghost of his brother. Charlie – making the only logical choice – abandons a sailing scholarship to Stanford in order to remain groundskeeper at the graveyard for five years, crying, talking to dead people, and building a reputation for himself as local crazy. There are many long, angsty scenes of Charlie’s misery, which irritate you rather than move you as he’s such a blank character.

Fortunately, Charlie cheers up when he meets a cute sailor girl, Tess (Amanda Crew). The rest of the film is mostly just romantic close-ups. Then there is a (predictable) massive twist, before lots of melodrama, sap, and terrible lines.

Efron and Crew are both disappointing, but this is probably just because of the festering script. The cloying ending is such a contrast to the glum beginning you’re left disoriented.

Charlie St Cloud is a weak and soppy imitation of the Sixth Sense that won’t appeal to uni students or children. It will appeal to tweenage girls. The one constant in the film is the endless shots of Efron either in wet clinging clothing or topless.

Insatiable Moon

Directed by Rosemary Riddell Rialto, Metro

Is a happy, homeless, and incurably righteous man called Arthur the second son of God? He claims he is and yet his claims are also allegedly behind his clinical insanity. However it seems Arthur has all the tricks a second son of God might be endowed with and the audience is soon converted. Arthur lives in a boarding house with other homeless men. Each man has his own unique character and own tragic tale. But unlike the other homeless men, Arthur has a special mission. He must find the Queen of Heaven and make his existence known to the world.

All seems to be going to plan when his life crosses paths with that of a staff member of the community centre, Margaret. Margaret, who is lost and somewhat broken due to her inability to deal with her infertility, falls into Arthur’s path and he soon has her convinced of his virtues and that she is in fact the Queen of Heaven. Yet Margaret is married and while adultery does not seem to be the calling of the second son of God Arthur manages to bed the lady anyway.

Meanwhile the boarding house is also under attack from locals who are opposed to its existence. This becomes Arthur’s second mission. Yet from here Arthur’s story becomes unstuck as we reveal the instability of his mental state.

Suddenly everything is on a limb as the man we think can save the day needs saving himself.

The first act of this film is brilliant, but the story fails to remain convincing and struggles to reign in the loose ends to bring about a strong ending. Insatiable Moon is still worth watching, though, as it contains moments of sheer brilliance in the script.

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Adrian Ng Aesten Kingsbury Alec Dawson Aleksandar Vuckovic Alexandra Grant Alice Smith Allan Brent Amy Joseph Amy Taylor Ana Leoca Ana Martino Andy Weston Angela Band Angela Llamoso Angela Mabey Anica Henne Anna Star Anna Williams Anne Ford Anthony Risely April Dell Ashley Lavin Ayman Khan Beau Murrah Beaurey Chan Ben Guild Ben Madden Ben Sullivan Ben Thomson Ben Truman Benjamin Blakely Benjamin Hood Brendan McBryde Brittany Travers Caitlyn O’Fallon Caleb Wicks Calida Smylie Cameron Birnie Carlos Chambers Charles Nell Clare Thomson Damien Khalsa Daniel Alexander Daniel Hunter Daniel Richardson Danielle Duffield

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Dave Eley Dave Local David Large David W. Wilson Dean Moriarty Deane Galbraith Deano Dominic Szeker Dreke Verkuylen Edward Greig Edwin Ouellette Ellis Bell Elona Buckingham Emily Palmer Emma Bowman Emma Keast Erica Newlands Ethan Khalsa Eve Hermansson Feby Idrus Francesca Allen Gabrielle Vance Gala Hesson Gareth Barton Gareth Thomas Gearoid O’Sullivan Georgie Fenwicke Ghstie Gregor Whyte Guy Wilson Hahna Briggs Hamish McRae Hana Aoake Hana Nyof Harry Misselbrook Hauauru Rae Helena Dwyer-Strang Henry Caulton Henry Feltham Holly Heron Hope Robertson Hugh Barnard Iain Dangerfeild J. R. Holmes Jackie St John Jackson Freeman

Jackson James Wood Jacob McSweeny James Barlien James Burford James Yap Jamie Green Jamie Linfoot Jane Adcroft Jared Mathieson Jason Zwi Jeffrey Harris Jen Aitken Jennifer Turek Jeremy Stewart Jo Little Joanna Welson Joelle Nyof Joey MacDonald John Digesare Jonathan Jong Josephine Salisbury Mills Josh Hercus Julia Hollingsworth Kate Kidson Kate Macey Kate Rouch Kathryn Guise Kathy Young Katie Hayes Kavi Chetty Kiri Mitchell Kurt Purdon Kurt Purson Kurt Verkuylen Laren McEwan Nugent Larry Matthews Laura Tatton Lauren Priestly Leah Hamilton Leilana Quinger Lesley Paris Lindsey Horne Logan S. Oliver Logan Valentine Louis Chambers Louise Pearman

Lucy Archer Luke Inglis Lyle Pe’a Maddy Parkins-Craig Mandroid Marie Hodgkinson Marino Harker-Smith Marissa Liu Mariya Semenova Martin Zissou Martyn Pepperell Mason Griffiths Matt Chapman Matt Dodd Matt Lynch Matthew Cunningham Max Segal Megan Kitching Michael Tyler Jensen Micheal Jackson Molly McCarthy Nathan James Smith Nathan Rose Nathan Smith Nell O’Dwyer-Strang Nick Gavey Nicola Dennis Nicole Phillipson Oliver Dickie Oscar Harvey Owen Jones Paul Comrie-Thomson Paul Hunt Paul McMillan Phoebe Harrop Pippy R. J. Astruc Raeven Geist-Deschamps Raymond Sawkins Richard Cheese Richard Girvan Richard Ley-Hamilton Ripley Patton Robbie Nielson Rory MacDonald Rosa Marden

Rosabel Tan Rosie Lewis Ross Calverley Rupert Hunt RX Sam Brookland Sam Valentine Samuel JK Samuel McKay Caldwell Sarah Baillie Sarah Dickson Johansen Sarah Eckhoff Sarah Maessen Sarah Paterson Sarah Robson Sarina Anderson Sean Lance Sean Norling Simon Petrie Simon Wallace Simon Watson SJ Orchard Sharon Arnott Sketchy Stephan Gillan Stuart Dangerfield Stuart McMillen Sue Hui Ong Susan Smirk Tailgunner Joe Taylor Harrington Teuila Fuatai Thomas Heard Thomas Redford Tiddy Smith Tien-Yi Toh Tim Couch Tim Miller Tim Suggate Tom Garden Tom Taylor Urich Hunt Walker MacMurdo Will Cheyne Will Chisholm William Tait-Jamieson Winston Rowntree Yang Safia 59