Critic - 2021 Issue 11 by Critic - Te Ārohi

LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A $30 VOUCHER FROM UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP EMAIL CRITIC@CRITIC.CO.NZ TO CLAIM YOUR VOUCHER LETTER OF THE WEEK: Dear Critic, I am not sure if you have been paid off, or if this conspiracy was simply forgotten about when creating the most recent edition. Either way, I think we must address the most pressing Dunedin conspiracy. We are all aware of Mount Cargill. I am sure many readers have even observed the clouds coming smoothly over the mountain on rare occasions. What no one seems willing to address, is that this is no mere weather phenomenon. I do not think it is coincidental that there is a large radio tower on top of Mount Cargill. This is interesting because we all know radio is obsolete to anyone under the age of 40, and that anyone over the age of 40 should be considered obsolete by the rest of society. This makes the existence of the radio tower completely pointless. In actuality, it is a 5g tower, designed to disperse a dangerous chemical cloud onto the residents of Dunedin. This tower is owned by the University who dispense the toxins with the express purpose of making breathers unaware of the filthy environment they call "home". This allows the breathers to pass through Uni with a feeling of contentment that they really have no right having. They then go on to raise the next generation of Speights-loving youth, ensuring a consistent stream of BCom students to line the University's pockets. It also contributes to the weird burnt toast smell that can commonly be smelt within the city. I know, the truth can be scary. But living in ignorance is not living at all. Yours truly, Edward Snowden P.S. Radio One is in on it. TRUST NO ONE! The Critic magazine sucks! Anyone working for the Critic should be ashamed of its disgusting content. As a student I am routinely appalled by this childish, amateur and slanderous magazine. Really Annoyed

Best S(a)lutations, I love my weekly dose of Critic news, but I'm a little disappointed that the conspiracy issue of this fine queer-friendly establishment lacked the best gay conspiracy theory of all. I believe with my whole gay heart that Bill and Bill are heterophobic. It's simple, have you ever met a queer person who has been attacked by Bill and Bill? Anyone? These gay ducks are our homosexual saviours single-handedly giving the straights the violence they deserve. The bigger question is how do they know? Is it the double finger guns I give them on my way past? Or the cuffed jeans? Or gay pheromones? We will never know, but I hoped the conspiracy edition would have given me some more theories. Sincerely, A local gay Yo Critic, As a proud Taurus, I appreciated your recomendation last week of dark humour as a coping mechanism. Dark humour is indeed great but I find it’s a lot like food; not everybody gets it. Sincerely, Tinfoil hat boi Hi I lost my phone down the elevator shaft in Richardson. Do you think if I went to property services they would help me? I think they’d laugh at me. Also, I saw what they did to the old music building. In the meantime, I took the magnet out of my flatmate’s headphones, tied it to his 20 meter Ethernet cable and I’ve been trying to fish it out between classes when there’s nobody looking. Please send halp. Kind regards, James Blunt

WEDNESDAY 19 MAY

The Octagon Poetry Collective Open Mic feat. poets Claire Lacey, Michael Hall, and MC Poet Laureate David Eggleton DOG WITH TWO TAILS 8PM / FREE ENTRY

Hartshorn Benson Duo ZANZIBAR 9PM / FREE ENTRY

THURSDAY 20 MAY

Wilkinson (UK) feat. MC AD-APT & special guests UNION HALL, UNIVERSITY OF OTAGO 8PM / $95 + BOOKING FEE Tickets from eventfinda.co.nz

Third Thursday #4 feat. music from Adelaide Cara accompanied by Georgi Hampton. Plus DPAG t-shirt and tote bag spraypainting by Dunedin street artist DZNE (BYO t-shirt), food trucks, trade tables, and treats DUNEDIN PUBLIC ART GALLERY 5PM / FREE ENTRY

The Pink Floyd Experience - 2021 NZ Tour THE REGENT THEATRE 8PM / ALL AGES Tickets from nz.patronbase.com

FRIDAY 21 MAY

Adam Hattaway and The Haunters 'Woolston, Texas' Album Release Tour w/ Tahu & The Takahes DOG WITH TWO TAILS 8PM Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz

David And Shimna DUNEDIN FOLK CLUB 7PM Tickets from eventbrite.co.nz

Negative Space Club feat. Aw B, Back On Track, E-Kare, YInMn, and Frost XYZ BAR 9:30PM / $10 EARLY BIRD / $15 PRESALE / $20 DOORS Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz

SATURDAY 22 MAY

CHAII – NZ Tour FEATURE EVENT @ STARTERS BAR 8PM Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz

Cathcart, Walsh, and Blaikie DOG WITH TWO TAILS 8PM / $10

SUNDAY 23 MAY

Merk - 'Infinite Youth' NZ Tour DIVE 7PM Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz

Entrada DUNEDIN FOLK CLUB 7:30PM

Julian Temple Band w/ The Seaside Stranglers ZANZIBAR 8:30PM Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz

For more gigs happening around Dunedin, check out r1.co.nz/gig-guide

Immersion feat. Strange, Somatech, Crypto, HouseWife, Sandrita, & Mutana Kataro DIVE 8PM Tickets from eventfinda.co.nz

3 ISSUE 11 / 17 MAY 2021 EDITORIAL: EDITOR Erin Gourley NEWS EDITOR Fox Meyer FEATURES EDITOR Elliot Weir CULTURE EDITOR Annabelle Vaughan SUB EDITOR Oscar Francis CHIEF REPORTER Denzel Chung NEWS REPORTER Alex Leckie-Zaharic STAFF WRITERS Asia Martusia, Sean Gourley, Susana Jones CONTRIBUTORS Eileen Corcoran, Sahsa Freeman, Alice Taylor DESIGN: DESIGNER Molly Willis (mollywillisdesign.com)

EDITORIAL:

Let scrumpy hands die By Erin Gourley

There, there. It’s over now. You can relax. No more shall the threat of scrumpy hands plague these streets. No more shall students walk the streets in fear of the next red card where they will be forced to drink two bottles of the worst form of alcohol imaginable. Scrumpy hands is no more. Its time has come. And it is time for us, the students of North Dunedin, to let it die a peaceful death. Once there was a time when scrumpy hands was new and exciting. It was the first drinking challenge you ever heard about and thought “wow that must be fun” (how wrong you were), the first red card you ever attended, the first time you truly appreciated how disgusting scrumpy is no matter what the colour, the first time you realised how necessary a tak yak is. But now it’s over and we walk in the light. It’s time to let yourself know the truth, to feel it in your bones and sigh in relief. Scrumpy hands is bad. There is no good reason to drink two bottles of scrumpy. There is even less reason to tape them to your hands so that you can’t pee for over an hour. We shall not be trapped in the purgatory that is red cards and parties involving scrumpy hands. It is the seventh circle of Hell. Dante could not have imagined the horrors. Drinking something that tastes like vomit, feeling the sensation of duct tape on your skin, not being able to pre-drink because you know you are going to vomit

during the red card, not having any normal interactions with anyone (guess why?) because you have two bottles of scrumpy taped to your hands, the taste of scrumpy, the smell of scrumpy, endless scrumpy. The pain is unforgettable. Comrades, friends, enemies, anyone who has lived through the horrors, rise up against this trial. We are doing this to ourselves. I’m not against red cards. I am against scrumpy hands. There are many inventive ways to consume alcohol in a competitive environment. Of those ideas, scrumpy hands is the most unoriginal and boring. Yes, you get fucked up. But at what cost? The scrumpy red cards are never ending. The first one is fine. But the second is worse. And on and on and on it stretches. Friends, this has to stop at some point. You don’t have to be another link in the chain of scrumpy hands, forever condemning your friends to endure this medieval torture. If we band together, we are powerful. We consume enough alcohol to influence the alcohol habits of the entire nation. Together, we are strong. Together, we can say: NO MORE. NO MORE SCRUMPY HANDS. Inspired by Sorel Drever’s suggestion that we turn a perfectly normal and sane party into scrumpy hands. You really awoke something in me.

ILLUSTRATION Caitlin Knox (@caitlin.knox.creative) Emily Bell, (@worksbyem_) Spencer Bott (@toonsbyspoons) PHOTOGRAPHER/VIDEOGRAPHER Aiman Amerul Muner (@aimanamerul) CENTREFOLD Asia Martusia King FRONT COVER Aiman Amerul Muner & Molly Willis PUZZLE MASTER Ciara White PRODUCTION: ONLINE Stella Inkpen DISTRIBUTION Dave Borrie ADVERTISING SALES: Tim Couch Jared Anglesey Peter Ramsay sales@planetmedia.co.nz Phone: 03 479 5361 READ ONLINE: critic.co.nz Issuu.com/critic_te_arohi GET IN TOUCH: critic@critic.co.nz Facebook/CriticTeArohi Tweet/CriticTeArohi 03 479 5335 P.O.Box 1436, Dunedin

critic Critic is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor or OUSA. NZ Media Council: People with a complaint against a magazine should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the NZ Media Council. Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary, info@mediacouncil.org.nz

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The photo above is not an indication of which supermarket is involved.

Manager “Oblivious” to Workers’ Concerns Following Stabbing Stabbing at Countdown apparently sounds like “profit” to some supermarkets

By Erin Gourley

Critic Editor // critic@critic.co.nz

Rather than offering support to employees after last week’s stabbing at Countdown, a Dunedin supermarket asked workers to do extra shifts because the supermarket would be busy. A worker at the supermarket spoke to Critic Te Arohi on condition of anonymity because “supermarket chains have no mercy on their workers.” They said “what happened at Countdown today has everyone on edge.” A screenshot provided by the worker showed that their manager noted that Countdown was closed,

This Week on Radio One 91 FM News

which would make the supermarket busier, but did not acknowledge the stabbing or offer support. Four people were stabbing at Dunedin Central Countdown yesterday. Countdown and police have confirmed that two of the victims of the stabbing were workers there. "That message [asking us for extra shifts] had me fuming," the worker said. "I was waiting for one of the managers to say something like "hey I hope you guys are okay!" but we couldn't even get that. The lack of empathy is appalling."

This week, the news team get hot takes from people on the street.

“Even the Uni was ready to comfort us, and I don't even attend my lectures as much as I should,” the worker said. The University sent an email to all students guiding them towards counselling and support. The worker said, “I want to believe the best in people, but stuff like this makes it hard. Because of the lack of mental health support in the past, it's got me thinking [the manager] was oblivious” to the stress of workers. “I clock in on my shifts on the hour every time and [get] not one ounce of gratitude,” they said.

MONDAY Vox pop: are tramp stamps trashy or iconic?

WEDNESDAY Vox pop: what’s your go to flat meal?

FRIDAY Vox pop: what’s your favourite university paper?

TUESDAY Vox pop: do people who wear Speight's merchandise actually drink Speight's?

THURSDAY Vox pop: what’s your go to flavour combo at Rob Roy?

Tune in to Radio One 91FM weekdays at 12, 2 and 5 to catch the Radio One News! r1.co.nz

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Government Providing 400 MIQ Spots for International Students in June Same amount of Otago’s international students have been allowed through as US military personnel

By Elliot Weir

Features Editor // features@critic.co.nz

More international students will be able to come to Otago Uni from June, with 400 spots in MIQ set aside for international students. The New Zealand International Students’ Association welcomed the news and said that the “lack of MIQ spaces has been a long-standing problem for returning individuals but today’s announcement provides certainty and clarity for our colleagues.” They say that they’re “excited to welcome back more international students.” Even if more spots were opened up, there are concerns many cannot afford the steep financial hurdles of getting through MIQ facilities. The Uni is offering some support though. A spokesperson told Critic “financially, the University has committed to meeting half the MIQ costs of those students

returning under the arrangements of the first two cohorts. In addition, these students, once back on campus, are able to access Pūtea Tautoko Student Relief Fund should there be a need.” An Otago University spokesperson did not know how many of the 400 extra MIQ spots for June would be allocated to Otago students, but said that 30 of the 120 Otago international students allowed in for the year had already arrived. Some simple maths tells us that the amount of international Otago students allowed to arrive in June is some number less than 90. A maximum of 120 Otago students will be allowed into the country this year, due to a limit on the number of total returning international students. 250 Otago students meet the criteria to return to

New Zealand for study, which include being close to finishing a degree at Otago and having $20,000 of living costs to bring with you. “The Government has set firm eligibility criteria for the first two cohorts of students allowed to return, resulting in most of our students offshore not being eligible, or those eligible unable to meet the terms of re-entry,” said a spokesperson for the University. “Our hope is that future cohorts will give additional cohorts of international students the opportunity to return to study on campus.” The Uni spokesperson also stated that there are “more than 200 international students at the undergraduate and postgraduate level currently studying online.”

Te Ao Māori Becomes Compulsory In Law Degrees Kinda fucked up that I did a whole law degree where tikanga was not compulsory

By Erin Gourley

Critic Editor // critic@critic.co.nz

Tikanga and te ao Māori will now be taught in all of the core papers of a law degree, after a unanimous vote on Friday 7 May by the Council of Legal Education. The Council of Legal Education sets the requirements for all LLB courses in Aotearoa. President of Te Roopū Whai Pūtake (Otago Māori Law Students' Association), Evy Ngawhika, said: “We are excited about this momentum towards recognising the first laws of Aotearoa within the legal curriculum. This is a move towards which many have been working on for a long time.” “At this stage, we can’t say for sure what this will mean for law at Otago, but we are looking forward to understanding the decision in more detail,” she said. “A legal curriculum that incorporates aspects of tikanga and te ao Māori is reflective of the current

legal landscape in New Zealand and will only serve to better equip future lawyers with the skills necessary for the profession.” SOULS, the Law Students’ Association at Otago, said that they “fully support[ed] the position of Evy and TRWP, and believed it was more important for the Māori tauira to share their perspective on this decision.” The New Zealand Law Students’ Association (NZLSA), who have two representatives on the Council, noted that the Council has been working for over a year on indigenising legal education in New Zealand. NZLSA said that the decision to make te ao Māori compulsory “is only a first step. Next, the CLE will consider a prescription for teaching tikanga Māori as a separate core law course.”

“There is a long way to go before we can ensure law schools and the legal profession are doing their part to honour Te Tiriti,” NZLSA said. “However, we are proud to see some change on the horizon. Our country’s law graduates must understand the importance of Te Tiriti o Waitangi and treat tikanga as an independent and equal source of law in Aotearoa.” Acting Dean of the Faculty of Law, Professor Shelley Griffiths, and Law Professor Jacinta Ruru said that Otago’s “Faculty of Law is pleased about this change and will embrace its opportunities.” They said that tikanga and te ao Māori were already “addressed within parts of the law degree but we look forward to developing our thinking and practice as we work together on this.”

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Students Ignored at Parliamentary Inquiry into Student Accommodation Gosh, it’s almost like boomers are ignoring students, that’s weird

By Denzel Chung

Chief Reporter // denzel@critic.co.nz

The final report of the Parliamentary Inquiry into Student Accommodation, meant to uphold standards at halls, has been slammed by the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA), with President Andrew Lessells claiming it “ignores the voice of students.” The Inquiry was set up in June last year, in response to the tragic case of Mason Petrous, a student whose death in a Canterbury Uni hall went undiscovered for weeks. The broad-ranging enquiry was essentially meant to investigate whether existing systems around the management of halls were up to scratch, as well as forming the basis of a new standard-setting code. The final report, released last Thursday, set out new recommendations. These include ensuring halls consult and engage with students, whānau, staff, local communities and iwi when planning

what to do; making RA training more consistent nationwide, with mandatory training on topics like Te Tiriti o Waitangi, lifestyle and welfare issues, and privacy and confidentiality; and put systems in place to ensure students with concerns can have a “genuine and timely response to their concerns.” So far, so positive. However, while the NZUSA supports the proposed Code overall, Andrew had some serious concerns. For one, they avoided recommending that students in halls have the same rights as tenants. Halls are currently regulated under a law designed for high school hostels. The Committee claimed that was because “a new regulatory framework would be required … the requirements for student wellbeing go well beyond a regular tenancy arrangement” (i.e. doing anything about it is too much admin). Andrew said that as

a result, “students currently have differing rights depending on their institution, and have no clarity on what they’re entitled to.” In addition, “despite submitters overwhelmingly recommending that student accommodation should be not-for-profit, the Committee has chickened out of making a recommendation,” said Andrew. “The majority of us think there should be a variety of operational models for reasons of supply and choice,” argued the report, “different ownership models contribute to the variety of services that providers offer.” Mason’s death, which sparked the inquiry in the first place, had occurred in a hall operated by billion-dollar Australian company Campus Living Villages. Ultimately, Andrew feared that “the Committee’s failure to recommend other legislative changes will have a huge impact on the wellbeing of students and may lead to unsafe practices continuing.”

A recent UoO Meaningful Confession post alleged that a whole flat’s collection of sex toys were stolen by a mysterious dildo thief. This is how Critic Te Arohi illustrator Caitlin Knox imagines the flat was left following the crime.

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Ooh Look How Fancy OUSA Are, Now They Have An Advisory Board Should have just written in to Critic Te Arohi’s advice column

By Erin Gourley

Critic Editor // critic@critic.co.nz

OUSA are paying some fancy businesspeople to help them make commercial decisions on a newly created Advisory Board. The Board will meet bimonthly with OUSA to discuss commercial decisions and the direction of OUSA, as well as keeping in regular contact with the Exec and the CEO. There will be up to five people on the Advisory Board. Currently three members have been appointed. The Exec have been discussing implementing an Advisory Board system since 2019, due to increasing commercial activities. “We decided to implement an advisory board because we felt there were certain skill sets missing within our governance level,” said OUSA President Michaela Waite-Harvey. “Such expertise will reinforce and support decision making, and that’s something many on the executive have expressed they desperately want. We are the elected governors of OUSA, and we want to ensure we are making the right decision when it comes to our commercial projects.”

Debbie Downs, OUSA’s CEO, said that: “In a uniquely structured, and broad organisation such as OUSA it is essential to have a wide range of expertise and experience to call on in times of need.” She noted that because OUSA is a charity, they must generate their own revenue to maintain the work they do for students. “We wanted to find people who understood and believe in what we do. We are very excited to work with the Advisory Board moving forward.” The three current members of the Advisory Board are Ben Nettleton, Amit Prasad, and Gina Hu'akau. They were appointed to the Advisory Board by the OUSA Exec on 29 March. All three of the members are commercially experienced and serve on various other boards. Critic Te Arohi will not list all of these boards because that would get very boring very quickly. Probably just stalk them on Linkedin if you want a vibe check. Ben is a former barrister. “A proudly millennial director he enjoys challenging the status quo, encouraging diversity and leading from the front in

responding to the major challenges which confront organizations,” his bio states. Amit is a Chartered Accountant who “brings strong business and financial, as well as risk and assurance, acumen to the Advisory Board,” according to his bio. “He is originally from Fiji but is now a proud citizen of Aotearoa.” Gina has lectured at Otago Polytech and also worked as a Ministry of Education advisor. “Most recently, as part of Mātāwai Associates, Gina has helped create tools for community groups in the non-for-profit sector strengthening their governance and operational practices,” her bio states. She is “a Dunedin local and hails from a large diverse family including Kāi Tahu, Tongan, Irish and Scottish ancestors.” We tried to explain all this to a student to get comment, but they just said “what?” Critic Te Arohi Chief Reporter Denzel Chung said “BComs should have to fight in a 'The Apprentice' style duel to get the jobs.”

Uni Begs Council to Actually Do Tertiary Precinct Upgrade Looks like we won’t get an Albany St crossing any time soon

By Alex Leckie-Zaharic

News Reporter // alex@critic.co.nz

The DCC stood remarkably stone-faced last week as the University effectively got on their knees and begged for them to stop taking infrastructure funding away from the tertiary precinct. The DCC has delayed the tertiary precinct upgrade. The plan has gone from $20 million over the next few years to $1 million all the way down the road in 2030. Kids that were born in 2012 will be freshers that year. In an effort to avoid aid arriving by the time current students will have kids of their own, the University went to the recent council meetings to try plead their case, and ask the DCC to bring forward construction. University Chancellor Dr Royden

Somerville presented in front of the council, and used his five minutes to lay out the benefits of funding an upgrade to the tertiary precinct. Dr Somerville urged the council to “keep moving forward”, and explained that the University has invested heavily into improving the campus, with the underlying insinuation that they’d like the council to kick in a bit too on the upgrades. Dr Somerville also noted that the main highway down Cumberland St “severs the connectivity of the campus” and that they’re already trying to improve cycle connectivity in the area. For the record, the Dunedin City Council’s justification for removing the tertiary precinct upgrade is that

they don’t want to stretch resources too thin between the new Dunedin Hospital construction and the revamping of the city centre. This feels like a very stupid reason to not do something, especially because it seems like it’s not about money, but manpower. OUSA and Otago Polytechnic have also condemned the decision, with a note made that the University and Polytechnic combined contribute over a billion dollars to the Dunedin economy every year. Critic would like to note that if the council stops deciding to play ball, the Uni and Polytech might not be so accommodating in future. So, DCC, please sort your shit out, we just want to be able to walk across Albany St without getting bowled over by a student who forgot to turn their lights on.

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There Is A Decomposing Lobster on Great King Street Be afraid, be very afraid

By Asia Martusia King and Yorgos Lanthimos

Staff Writer // asia@critic.co.nz

Around three weeks ago, a lobster appeared on Great King Street. Annabelle, a resident of Great King Street, was leaving her flat one morning when she started smelling “the salty sea air”. “I thought it was odd because you usually smell either exhaust or Maccas,” she said. “I looked down and I saw a lobster, but in half.” There was a head, and then a metre further away was the body. A few days later, Annabelle was on her merry way when she looked up and saw that the lobster head had moved onto a fence. “I think it’s haunted. It maybe moved itself. It was perched there, and its little antennas were hanging out, and it looked like it was staring at you.”

The lobster has since kept moving around Great King Street, its two halves always within the same ten metre radius between Pizza Hut and The Baaa. Sometimes it’s on the street, sometimes on a wheelie bin, sometimes on a fence. There have been three rubbish collections since then, yet the lobster persists. The lobster’s origins are a mystery. Fatty Lane is primarily a student area, yet lobster and crayfish go for $120.00 on average, which is very expensive for a student to purchase and not eat. No breatha has drunkenly squished it or taken it home. Nobody has cleaned it up. It has not appeared on Dunedin News. Critic has received upwards of six Snapchats of it over the last two weeks. However, Annabelle believes the lobster may only be visible to certain people.

“I have a lot of enemies and I think the lobster is a metaphor,” Annabelle said. “Or a signal. A bad omen. The most disturbing thing is that it’s in two halves.” She described it as “really disturbing” and said she “just wants to get rid of it.” “I have a connection to it, but it also scares me,” she said. “Just like men.” The body has reportedly disappeared in the last week, although the head remains. It also may or may not actually be a crayfish. Forensics will be required for further investigation. When asked for his thoughts about the lobster, Critic Features Editor Elliot Weir said: “Oh wow I love that movie.”

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New Baked Potato Takeaway Outlet Opening In Dunedin ‘Baked’ and ‘potato’ also words most commonly used to describe Critic staff

By Denzel Chung

Chief Reporter // denzel@critic.co.nz

A new takeaway outlet will soon be opening on George Street, dedicated to that unsung hero of foods: Baked potatoes. Facebook and Instagram pages for Patate were launched last Thursday, with owner Aysu Shanin announcing they will “open very soon” at 420 George Street (nice), formerly the home of sushi place Maki Mono. A recent visit showed a snazzy new paintjob of bright blue and pastel pink. Aysu, a dietitian who graduated just last week, told Critic Te Arohi that the new takeaway outlet was “inspired by the Turkish street food kumpir,” and that “along with more classic and familiar Kiwi flavours,” they will be introducing flavours from her family’s Turkish and Persian background. “I

want to show that healthy food does not need to be complicated or restrictive,” she said. Though baked potatoes are the star of the show, she also plans to cater for different tastes with salad, pasta and loaded fries options. Startling enthusiasm was shown on Dunedin News, with 147 reactions to the post in its first day – all likes and heart reacts – as well as a sea of positive comments. One disappointed commenter “got excited, thought it was in Perth,” showing a love of baked potatoes extends across borders. Students we interviewed, however, were slightly less enthusiastic, marking the first time that Dunedin News has shown itself to be out of touch with youths and young ‘uns.

Lucy said: “I’m not the biggest baked potato fan, to be honest. But I know quite a few friends that are,” while Charlotte agreed that she thought baked potatoes were pretty “below average. I probably won’t be going out of my way to give it a try.” James, meanwhile, questioned the wisdom of serving potatoes that were “not in chip form”. “I give it nine months,” he said. Some were more diplomatic: a straw poll in the Critic Te Arohi office showed around half rooting for the new kid on the block. Sub-editor Oscar said he was “really excited” about the poatoes, while news reporter Alex said “it conjures up really good memories of home”.

Shosha to Stop Selling Cream Canisters “Someone needs to tell the ODT what snitches get” — Otago Uni Psytrance Club, probably

By Erin Gourley

Critic Editor // critic@critic.co.nz

16 May 2021 will go down in history as the day that Shosha stopped selling cream canisters. If you’ve been to Shosha recently, you might have noticed signs indicating that they would not be selling cream canisters from 16 May.

some of Shosha stores who have been purchasing canisters for their cream whipping machines due to convenience of location and price point,” Nabhik said.

“It has come to our attention that some customers have used [the canisters] for recreational purposes,” said Nabhik Gupta, Operations Manager at Shosha. After realising this, Shosha “accept[ed] that the prudent course is to remove nitrous canisters from retail Shosha stores altogether”.

A student said: “Yeah I’ve been using them for my cream whipping machine too.” Critic Te Arohi was shocked to find out in an Otago Daily Times article last week that students recreationally consume the nitrous oxide contained within cream canisters and call these canisters “nangs”. Like Shosha, we had no idea that such a thing was possible.

Despite this, Shosha reckoned many of their customers were legitimate. “There were (and are), local business operators in food and beverage/ catering/entertainment within the vicinity of

Because Shosha didn’t want to “antagonise/upset the food & beverage/ catering/ entertainment customers,” they decided to continue the sale of cream canisters for two weeks.

“Prominent signage (poster) addressing the dangers of recreational use of nitrous, confirming that there will be no sales of canisters for recreational use or suspected recreational use, will be displayed during these last two weeks,” Nabhik said. “I trust that this will be a suitable solution to meet MOH’s needs and that of the community.” In June 2007, the Ministry of Health did undercover raids to investigate the sales of cream canisters in Canterbury. This led to Cosmic Corner (now Cosmic) being fined $2500 for selling them to undercover Ministry of Health officers. Selling cream canisters is illegal unless the purchaser has a legitimate purpose, like a whipped cream machine.

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Chatime At Uni Delayed Where the fuck is my bubble tea?

By Alex Leckie-Zaharic

News Reporter // alex@critic.co.nz

When Critic announced in mid-February that a Chatime franchise would be opening inside the old Archway Shop after Easter, there was much hype among the student population. However, we’re now over a month after Easter (which was April 4, just to save you the Google search) and we’ve got sweet fuck all on the bubble tea front. The University’s response to the outrageous lack of bubble tea of campus came from Property Services Division Acting Director Graham Marshall (jeez, what

a mouthful). Graham said: “Chatime is waiting for fitout items to arrive from overseas.” Critic went and investigated the future Chatime site two weeks ago (i.e. looked through the windows) and saw one giant wrapped up box, which is probably a fridge. We checked again last week and the only addition to the site were black chairs and trestle tables from when the University held open days. One student Critic spoke to was incredibly disappointed that Chatime was popping up inside

campus, saying “it’s extremely hypocritical that we have this sustainability focus and then the Uni looks the other way to one of the most wasteful outlets there is as long as there’s money in it.” The rest of the students Critic talked to gave absolutely zero fucks about this problem, seeing bubble tea as worth it for the cost to the environment, which honestly seems to be about the same as the Uni. Can the University hurry up so I can lose my bubble tea V-card?

First Ever Arts Ball A Success Better playlist than the law students, whodathought

By Erin Gourley

Critic Editor // critic@critic.co.nz With additional reporting from Eileen Corcoran (Radio One News Reporter)

The first ever Arts Ball at Otago took place in the Otago Museum on May 8 hosted by the School of Arts Students Society (SASS). Students who attended reckoned it was good, even though there was an inordinately high ratio of Doc Martens.

student I felt separated from students studying classics and history, even though we’re all within the School of Arts,” she said. “It didn’t feel like they were together under a single community. We wanted to make that community.”

Allie Hawksworth, President of SASS, was involved in organising the ball. “Since it’s the first ever ball for arts it’s been a new experience. We’re hoping to get it going for the future,” she told Radio One before the Ball. “Even if it starts really small, we want to keep it going.”

Allie credited Kayli Taylor, the founding force behind SASS, for bringing people from different departments together.

She said that the broader intention behind the ball is to bring arts students together. “As a German

“Studying arts and even humanities you don’t get much rep, I think just because they’re kind of the classic academic subjects, so it was really nice to have an event for us,” said Eileen [Eileen the art student, not Eileen the R1 Reporter]. “SASS did an

awesome job putting it together especially for their first ball, so I’m looking forward to seeing what else they’ve got coming up.” Kate, another student who attended the ball, said “it was a fantastic ball for the first of its kind. 10/10 recommend” Annabelle said she was “super impressed”. “It was great to finally have an event for arts students because they often get outshined by law. For classics and comms you don’t have your own association.” Another student said that the ball was good but some of the DJ’s decisions were controversial, like cutting off an ABBA song to play DnB.

NEWS

KARERE

OUSA Bore Students with Referendum Questions Why are they like this?

By Sean Gourley

Staff Writer // sean@critic.co.nz

In an attempt to send student engagement to an all-time low, OUSA has set their semesterly referendum questions to the most boring issues possible. There are only three engaging questions from the total ten questions provided. They are:

Government for free U by Kotex Applicator Tampons for all students?”

"8. Should the University have the power to discipline students' for their behaviour off-campus in their own private residential flats?”

Submissions for the questions to be asked were opened on a Friday at exactly 5pm and closed the following Monday at 5pm. This meant students were only allowed a single working day to submit on the questions that should be asked. One student, Danielle, commented: “Crazy that we only get one working day to think about this.”

"9. Should the government allocate Studylink entitlements (Loan Living Costs and Student Allowance) with an expectation that fulltime students will also have a part-time job to supplement this payment?” "10. Should OUSA lobby the University and

The rest consists of obscure administrative questions.

Another student, Liam, was concerned that OUSA was continuing to act in bad faith in the aftermath

of the Sign-Up Club SGM fiasco. He said: “Tonnes of my mates were super disappointed by OUSA at the SGM, they just don’t seem to care about the views of students at all. It's ridiculous because it is literally their job to represent us and then they do shady shit like this.” Students will have the opportunity to vote online via the OUSA website on Tuesday 1 June. The referendum will be non-binding. It seems the only question that was actually asked by a student was the weirdly specific question about applicator tampons. All of the others were predetermined by OUSA bureaucrats.

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ODT Watch I hate it when I enter a beauty competition and then realise that I don’t know the judging criteria.

Loading Swag... ████████████████ 100% Complete.

Did you know women can make beer too?

The ODT travelled to the bustling metropolis of Palmerston North.

It’s not penicillin, or electricity itself, but the e-bike.

If you want someone to tell you everything about drugs, there is no better way to introduce yourself than saying you are with the ODT. This will be Critic’s new strategy for sussing weed.

FINANCE AND STRATEGY OFFICER

Josh Meikle Kia ora! In the role of Finance and Strategy I get the chance to work a lot with the foundations of OUSA. Often this is measured as a money figure or an asset, but what matters, and is interesting, are the stories behind these! Here are some: University Union Building – OUSA has 50% shareholding in the company that manages this building. This is because there was a University in the 90s about who owned this, and the settlement reached was for both the University and OUSA to own this. Planet Media – this is now OUSA’s advertising department, but this used to be an independent company owned by OUSA. Planet Media now works to sell advertising on the behalf of most student associations in New Zealand.

It certainly is surprising when you clean your pond for the first time in years and discover 60 eels.

Starters – OUSA purchased the lease to the Starters building in 2019 and it has gone on to be critical to our harm reduction strategies. We have been developing the bar since to get the best out of it for students and provide a place to go on a night out. The Aquatic Centre – OUSA owns the Aquatic Centre which is where the rowing club, and now the canoe club, have their home. This was built after the rowing club turned out in force to an AGM years ago and passed that we need to do this. It has since been rebuilt, after it burned down, by OUSA with the support of considerable fundraising support from rowing. These are some of the many moving parts of OUSA that we work with every day. Later this year we will be holding elections for the 2021 finance and strategy officer, so if you want to find out more abut the role, email me at finance@ousa.org.nz Josh

WEEK 10 CROSSWORD ANSWERS ACROSS: 1. Wing it 3. Fantail 6. Crow 8. Turkey 9. Eagle 10. Foe 12. Paradise 17. Kiln 18. Tokyo 19. Duck 20. Morepork 23. Owl 25. Lemur 26. Dismay (this didn't actually fit sorry) 27. Udon 28. Chicken 29. Parrot DOWN: 2. Nerve 3. Fooled 4. Toupee 5. Lies 7. Weka 10. Freedom 11. Tin foil 13. Retro 14. Slo mo 15. Kiwi 16. Rich 20. Maniac 21. Eleven 22. Ruru 23. Odour 24. Zinc WORDWHEEL ANSWER: Crimson

SUDOKU

sudokuoftheday.com

CROSSWORD ACROSS: 17. Food that’s also a type 2. NZ’s easternmost city (8) of dance (5) 5. Actress: ____ Watson (4) 6. Price (4)

7. Really smart person (6) 9. Marine mammal (4)

11. ‘Lake’ in te reo Māori (4)

12. Food made out of squid (8) 13. Rule (3)

14. Sound (5)

16. Turning from ice to water (7)

DOWN: 1. What she sells by the seashore (9) 2. Bulb used to flavour cooking and ward off vampires (6) 3. Hill in Dunedin (6)

4. Widely hated word that means damp (5) 8. Season that starts in September (6)

18. Feline (3)

19. Semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal (8) 22. Wild (5)

24. Island (4)

25. Imposter (5) 26. Show off (4)

27. Colour that rhymes with 9 across (4) 28. Atua of the sea also known as Takaroa (8)

10. Copy (7) 15. Very (9)

16. ____ syrup, a common pancake topping (5) 20. Think deeply (6) 21. Nap (6)

23. Waikato, Whanganui and Taieri are example of this natural feature (5)

WORD WHEEL

MAZE

Insert the missing letter to find the word that runs either clockwise or anti-clockwise around the wheel.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

There are 10 differences between these images.

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the women and non-binary people who missed being diagnosed as children BY ASIA MARTUSIA KING Esmerelda* was 36 when she was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. She isn’t the zoomy young boy most people associate with ADHD, a stereotype that leads to countless young girls and non-binary children going undiagnosed. These children grow up battling with their own brains. Often they struggle to get a diagnosis, even in adulthood. Critic spoke to four Otago students at different stages in their ADHD journey. Esmerelda was diagnosed during her PhD. Ceri, 26, was diagnosed shortly after Honours/ Masters. Charlie, 23, is a Masters student who was diagnosed in undergrad. Cat, 23, an Honours/Masters student, is currently seeking diagnosis. All of these people are smart as hell, and worked ridiculously hard to get where they did. There are three genres of ADHD: Hyperactive-impulsive, inattentive, and a mix of the two. Hyperactive-impulsive is most prevalent in boys, and far more visible than the inattentive, daydreamy kid doodling in a corner. This is one reason why boys are diagnosed with ADHD at three times the rate of girls, even though the rate of ADHD is likely the same between men and women. ADHD kids are more likely to be gender diverse too, but gender diversity is severely unrepresented in studies. Getting diagnosed in adulthood presents unique difficulties. There’s actually realising it’s ADHD in the first place, and then going through the pricey diagnostic process. People adapt, become socially conditioned, and develop alternative coping mechanisms. Many people

develop a performative ‘people pleasing’ persona to hide the internal shame. It’s hard to separate ADHD from your personality when it's diagnosed later in life. Esmerelda felt like she’d been fighting her own brain for her whole life, but assumed it was like that for everybody. It’s currently her third dig at university. Managing workloads had always been difficult, and she switched degrees a few times due to fluctuating interests. It was an article about female-presenting ADHD that enlightened her. Everything that she’d assumed was “normal” was right there. She went to Student Health for a referral in undergrad, but didn’t have the $750 to be assessed. She did her Honours degree unmedicated. Working on a dissertation alongside coursework 16 hours a day took its toll. She relied on binge-eating and alcohol, keeping a whiskey bottle in her cubicle to let off steam. She described it as the “most exhausting, anxious, stressful few years.” “I had to attend lectures, record them, transcribe them out by hand afterwards and collate it with lecture notes from Blackboard. I had to triple-handle everything because I simply could not stay attentive in lectures,” she said. “I got high grades because I was driven by shame and anxiety. When it came time to write my dissertation, I pumped out 35,000 words within three weeks. No matter how much I plan out assignments, everything is always a last-minute hectic out-of-body experience. I have the intelligence to gain A+s, yet I have had to put in quadruple the effort of other students. It was borderline debilitating.”

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In PhD, Esmerelda was crushed to find herself drowning. The structured Honours course that forced her into action with deadlines and grade anxiety was gone. She was unable to self-manage. “I had worked so hard to get here. It broke my heart that I was unable to make the most of the opportunity, which included a scholarship. I felt like a fraud and like I was too stupid to do PhD,” she said. Without her diagnosis, which she pursued privately with scholarship money, she would have quit. Medication has changed Esmerelda’s life. She can now organise her workload into manageable tasks, make meals, and deal with laundry, things that most people take for granted. “I used to admonish myself constantly and view all of my struggles as my own fault, calling myself lazy and stupid and worthless,” she said. “I’m starting to give myself credit for the sheer efforts that I have made in life.” “Now I understand that those struggles that I have lived with my entire life were not my fault. If anything, the fact that I have managed to make it this far academically is a testament to myself. Imagine getting to PhD with a behavioural disorder that prevents you from being able to focus on lectures or manage a workload sensibly.” The people Critic spoke to all experienced an oftenignored symptom of ADHD called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). Whereas criticism will fly over a neurotypical person’s head, someone with RSD might experience extreme emotional pain. “I hate to be like a 14 year old on TikTok who just found out what that word is,” said Ceri, “but rejection sensitivity was something that I didn’t realise was a thing. I thought it was just me as a person.” Because of RSD, many ADHD-ers get misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder, anxiety, or depression. When these conditions co-exist, as they commonly do, the definition between them gets even murkier, especially in people who’ve gone undiagnosed for so long. It took Ceri five years to be diagnosed. Twice she was referred to Student Health, and twice she was dismissed. When she was finally taken seriously, Ceri lacked the funds. “There’s a self-fulfilling prophecy where I thought I was faking it, because I have low self-esteem due to rejection sensitivity, so I don’t advocate for myself. Because I don’t look like what people expect [ADHD] to look like, nobody else advocates for me either. So nothing happens.”

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"When kids are not disruptive, we think it’s not a problem, so that kid is fine. That kid is not fine.” Undertaking Masters unmedicated “sucked ass,” she said. Ceri’s inability to prioritise work was paralyzing, so she’d binge eat and “have a nap about it” until the deadline, where she would complete her work fuelled solely by her fear of disappointing people. Eventually, Ceri went private and was medicated immediately. Ceri is a teacher now, and can see how it happens with kids. She notes that the students who take ADHD medicine at lunch are almost exclusively boys. “There’s always one type of kid where you look and think, that’s the ADHD one,” she said. “Then I notice kids with similar symptoms to me at their age being excused as their personality. Personality is used as a justification until it gets to a point that we find uncomfortable. When kids are not disruptive, we think it’s not a problem, so that kid is fine. That kid is not fine.” Charlie nearly dropped out before getting diagnosed in first year. School was always a struggle, but university’s self-directed study was a huge learning curve. “My grades were shit [...] I got very good at chewing out an assignment the night before. Time doesn’t really exist when you have ADHD, and deadlines are only real when they’re directly in front of you.” Charlie recalled doing an online ADHD assessment in high school “for a laugh”, only to pass with flying colours. It was the first time they realised they might not just be lazy and stupid. At Uni, they went to Disability Services, who paid for a screening and provided accommodations such as notetaking. “The only reason I even got my foot in the door was because my brother was already diagnosed. People with ADHD are already not taken seriously, and people not believing what you’re going through makes it really hard to get a diagnosis.” Although doing Masters with ADHD is still difficult, Charlie described their diagnosis as “life changing”. They’d spent much of their life wondering why education seemed so easy for everyone else. Now they had an answer, and with support, their grades improved almost overnight. “It gave me room to forgive myself for a lot of what I’d spent pretty much my whole life beating myself up over.”

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“I’m starting to give myself credit for the sheer efforts that I have made in life.” However, they’d rather the process “not cost seven hundred dollars. I was really lucky that the University was able to pay for mine, but most people don’t get that. It’s a huge hurdle especially for poor students.” Charlie mentions that Concerta’s side effects “nearly killed me, straight up”.

the planet for a fucking quarter of a century, but I have a hard time extracting it from who I am,” she laments. “Then I’m like, that’s not ADHD, I’m just a shit person.” Esmerelda’s psychiatrist says that this is particularly common in women following diagnosis later in life.

“I’m on Ritalin now which is much better, but [Student Health] wouldn’t give it to me until this year because they were worried about the “street saleability”, which is such a horseshit excuse as well as being extremely offensive."

My own ADHD went misdiagnosed until Masters. Like many others, it had already taken a toll in the form of depression, anxiety, substance abuse and an eating disorder. It’s a long time to think you’re irreparably broken. All interviewees reported this isolation and alienation, feeling “fucking insane and stupid” for the way their brains worked, but not knowing why. Relationships fell apart. Some were admitted to psych wards. They felt lost.

Cat became aware of her potential ADHD after resonating with online accounts. She related to their lived experiences of hyperfixation, disorganisation, lack of focus, and rejection sensitivity. Previously, she’d shared common misconceptions about it being exclusive to “hyperactive little boys”. “Only when those were broken down did I start to recognise that I'm exhibiting some symptoms as well, and maybe it’s worth checking out,” she says. “If there had been a greater awareness of how ADHD manifests in women, somebody could have started on that process a lot earlier than I did.” Along with access to medical support, a diagnosis can be hugely validating. And if Cat doesn’t get diagnosed with ADHD, she says, at least she knows that the problem lies elsewhere. These people all have dummy thicc brains, which unfortunately makes diagnosis harder. Cat recalls opening up to a friend who promptly shut her down. You can’t have ADHD because you’re doing Masters, he rebutted. In reality, Cat explains, such statements “dismiss how difficult it is to manage ADHD on top of the difficulties of study. Degrees are hard, but they're much harder when you're impacted by fucky brain shit.” Ceri experienced similar sentiments from doctors. “Everyone’s like, you can’t have ADHD because you have a Masters degree. Actually, I’m just cripplingly afraid of disappointing anyone ever, so that’s the reason I get my work done.” After living with undiagnosed ADHD for so long, imposter syndrome runs rife. In the weeks following her diagnosis, Esmerelda was convinced she had “hoodwinked” the psychiatrist, while Ceri admits to feeling “like a bit of a fraud”. “Maybe it’s because I was diagnosed after being on

Getting diagnosed through Student Health is taxing as fuck, thanks to y’all neurotypical bitches who misuse our Ritalin. You wait for a screening questionnaire. You wait another eight weeks for a review. Then it can be more than a year for a $750 assessment. The alternative is finding a private psychologist for ~$1000, should they have availability. This doubly sucks when ADHD’s symptoms include impatience and disorganisation. Esmerelda would like to see acknowledgement of ADHD as the debilitating struggle that it is, rather than a euphemism for “hyperactive” or “lazy.” “People say “oh I’m like that too”, because they sometimes can’t be fucked studying, but it doesn’t seriously affect their life. That’s an example of how ADHD gets downplayed and invalidated. I’d like to see more research on how it presents in girls and women, because throughout my diagnostic process, older criteria were used, which definitely lean heavily towards the “hyperactive little boy running around climbing the walls” brand of ADHD." “It is more than worth your money to seek diagnosis, if you really feel that you are experiencing symptoms of ADHD in a way that significantly cockblocks your life. I wish I had saved up the money and sought diagnosis so much earlier,” she said. “It slays me to think about how much of my life has been unnecessarily wasted just struggling, but I’m only looking forwards, not backwards. For my own sanity.” *Name changed.

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Delectable Specimens

The tastiest creatures in Otago Museum’s nature galleries By Denzel Chung For most children, a trip to the aquarium was a source of wide-eyed wonder. Great shoals of fish swarming left and right, majestic ocean creatures dancing a delicate underwater ballet despite being the size of a large car, the brightness and vibrancy of swaying sea plants. I was not one of those children. In our family, visits to the aquarium quickly became a supermarket shop with a never-ending seafood section, with our eyes keenly peeled for fish which would steam well, which were just the right size for deep-frying whole, and which one looked a bit too much effort. Bottomfeeders are generally a no-go zone. I vividly remember my grandma at a marine conservation aquarium in Malaysia, licking her lips at a tank of, admittedly quite large and tender-looking, sea turtles. There is an old joke that Cantonese (Southern Chinese) people will eat anything with four legs that isn’t a table, anything which flies that isn’t a plane, and anything which swims that isn’t a submarine. You could put this down to a largely secular culture with fewer dietary restrictions historically, or simply lazy stereotyping. After all, the industrial farming trifecta of beef, pork and chicken is a very recent invention, and Pākehā themselves have never been averse to such delicacies as deer, rabbit and whatever the fuck goes into luncheon ham. Anyway, lazy stereotype or not, I would never turn down a chance at a tasty shnack, and my culinary senses were appropriately piqued on a recent trip to Otago Museum’s Nature Galleries. So for any other adventurous eaters out there, here’s my guide to the tastiest creatures you can find out there (avoiding the ones which would objectively be finger-licking good, like the rock lobsters).

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10. School shark/Mangō (Galeorhinus gateus) Yes, it looks as delectable as any other fish out there, with its tender, muscular flesh, but to be honest it’s pretty much interchangeable with any other fish, although watching Seaspiracy may steer you towards a nice chunk of firm tofu instead. As for the fins, they’re not just horrific from an animal welfare point of view, they’re also eye-wateringly expensive and, most insultingly of all, they don’t actually taste that good. You can replace it with vermicelli noodles and gelatin, for fuck’s sake. Cooking style: Fish are friends, not food, I guess. I’ll let them off, but only just this once (sorry, grandma).

9. Domestic cat/Ngeru (Felis catus) Ha ha, very funny, I’ve never heard that one before. Seriously, though, if we had a lot less of an aversion to eating wee little Mittenses and Garfields, we could probably go a long way towards restoring the dawn chorus. It’s just part of nature’s healing process. Cooking style: Cute, chubby, domesticated cat? Probably roast it. Bonus points if you can get crackling out of the skin. The type that roams around at night, slaughtering all native birds within a 20km radius? Slow-cook that tabby with something stronger-flavoured (something like a curry or a dark soya sauce gravy).

8. Tuatara (Sphenodon punctatus) Definitely wouldn’t picture it as the most appetising, although they are probably slow enough to yoink one if you’re getting desperate for any sort of animal protein. It does look like a soft boi underneath that tough reptilian exterior. Bonus is that you can use those scales to your advantage, it’s pretty much a ready-made covering for all that nice, tender flesh. Cooking style: Grill it over a hot charcoal fire. I reckon its flesh would work perfectly with a spicy chili and lime marinade. Wrap it in foil or banana leaves for an earthy, smoky oomph, give it about 10–15 minutes on each side, and crack that baby open. Perfection.

7. Alligator/Arikeita (Crocodylus porosus) I’m thinking similar vibes to the tuatara, except many times larger. A tuatara would probably be a decent meal for one — this is a flat dinner which would then supply lunches for days to come. They’re pretty active and muscly, which means the meat would probably be a bit tougher. That’s no barrier though. It just means you need to get a bit more creative culinarily. Cooking style: I’m thinking something that could use its texture and gamey taste to its advantage — jerky, perhaps, or something with a bit more kick to it, like biltong. It’ll keep for ages, too, which is handy when you’ve got 300kg of meat to share amongst the flat.

6. South Island giant moa (Dinornis robustus) In theory, moa would make a slap-up meal. After all, you can’t really go wrong with an enormous chubby herbivore bird. The issue is more a matter of practicality. Kind of like the alligator, it’s just too big to deal with. Like a Christmas turkey (but multiplied by many times), it’s fun on day one, but on day 27 when you’re making spag bol à la moa for dinner, you’ll be wishing it’d just disappear. Cooking style: An open fire would probably be the only way to go with these things. Low and slow, baby, low and slow.

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5. Autahi the leopard seal/Popoiangore (Hydrurga leptonyx) Same issues as the moa, in that it’s just too bloody huge. It inches ahead, though, for two big reasons. First of all, with all that seal fat, you won’t need to buy cooking oil for days and every meal will be infused with the taste of the ocean. And second of all, sashimi. Cooking style: Best enjoyed fresh, after a hard day of clubbing. Slice it up thin, serve it with soya sauce and wasabi, and a cup of warm sake on the side.

4. Common wasp/Wāpi (Vespula vulgaris) Hear me out here. These swarmy little fuckers may seem threatening and mildly poisonous, but since when has anyone let that get in the way of a good meal? After all, we thought carrots and tomatoes were poisonous too, and we showed the bastards what we could do to them. Cooking style: There are more ways to cook a wasp than there are to skin a cat. Traditionalists will swear by deep-frying, but you could roast, or even air-fry them (maybe with a drizzle of honey, or tamari soya sauce). The endgame you’re wanting is crispy, moreish snack you’ll cronch on by the handful whether watching a movie with your mates, as a perfect finger food at parties, or just during your study session in the middle of Central’s Quiet Zone in the middle of exam season (honestly, we don’t mind).

3. Cushion stars (Patiriella regularis) My first instinct was to reach out and try to squeeze these adorable, chonky little cartoon characters-made-flesh. They looked like starfish force-fed to bursting point. Not in a horrifying foie gras way, but in an adorable way, kind of like a rosy-cheeked Dudley Dursley in knickerbockers. My second instinct was to imagine how much delicious gravy these spongy creatures could soak up in their chubby wee bodies. Cooking style: Add generously into a stew as it simmers. Maybe 30–45 minutes if specimens are dried, or 15–20 minutes if fresh. Just long enough for to soak up those wonderfully rich and complex flavours, but not so long that it just gets all soft and mushy. Anything with a soupy, thick gravy will be perfect, providing a nice, springy and mild contrast to the other ingredients.

2. South Island tomtit/Kōmiromiro (Petroica macrocephala) I mean, look at them! These cute and cuddly little chubsters couldn’t be more of a tasty treat if they were packaged up with a cute little bow and a sticky note with ‘eat me’ written on it. As a bonus, God/relentless evolutionary pressure over millennia designed them almost perfectly-sized to be a snack for one. Cooking style: These are just begging to be roasted on a skewer, maybe while wrapped in streaky bacon. Enjoy with beer and plenty of friends (optional extra).

1. Southern royal albatross/Toroa (Diomedea epomophora) Big and majestic enough to show off as a special occasion centrepiece, but still small enough to cook reasonably well at home. Versatile enough to work with pretty much anything, but with a flavour you can guarantee will set it apart from your average chicken. Think of all that seafood and ocean air. It’ll work well whether you’re treating yo’self, making a slap-up flat dinner or trying to bribe important (non-vegetarian) adults. Cooking style: This isn’t a meal, it’s an event— like a traditional three course Peking duck. Marinate with five-spice powder and roast, then split it. Use the extra crispy skin as a starter, the meat itself as a main course, and the bones to make a flavoursome soup on the side.

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Halloumi Hunt The Best Halloumi BY FOX MEYER

Bagels in Dunedin If you’ve ever met a vegetarian you’ve heard about halloumi. It’s a thick, grillable cheese that you imagine fairies using as a trampoline. The popularity of halloumi, along with Dunedin’s inexplicably thriving bagel scene has provided us with several variants of the halloumi bagel. They’re all delicious, but some are better than others. Critic [Ed: a single critic employee with controversial halloumi bagel opinions] ate a halloumi bagel every day of the week to find out which one deserved the title of “Big Cheese”.

#1: KIKI BEWARE

Kiki is a contrarian. As you can tell by the alt-core crowd they hire to staff the cafe, nothing here is quite in the mainstream, and while they’ve gotten on board the halloumi bagel trend, Kiki has taken steps to make sure you’re well aware that they’re “not like other bagels.” The salad and spreads are completely different to anywhere else on this list. Instead of lettuce, I got a finely shredded beetroot assemblage, which was incredibly tasty, and some greens that weren’t iceberg lettuce. Kiki also bucked the chili jam fad and served pesto instead. I’ve ordered it more than once, mostly through fruber, and they’re very consistent with the amount of halloumi you get and the thickness of the cut. It’s a nice cut, but nowhere thick enough to clog your arterial system like I’d prefer. Halloumi Thickness: 7/10 Salad: 8/10

Spreads: 8/10 Bagel: 7/10

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#2: MUSEUM CAFE

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Students sleep on the Museum Cafe. It’s right next to campus, reasonably priced, and its clientele are the type of people who enjoy publicly-available science, so they have to have a good menu. This is evident in their slicing of the Halloumi. If there was a Whopper™ of Halloumi Bagels, this would be it. They served me a slice of Halloumi thick enough to choke on, maybe a solid half inch thick. I could have played shuffleboard with it. It’s also the only place that battered their halloumi in a crispy cajun crust, which earned them major points. Their bagel and salad were decent, but not nearly as high-brow as their cheese. I only saw iceberg lettuce, and the bagel itself wasn’t anything to write home about. They did give me both aioli and chili jam though, which was a nice touch. Halloumi Thickness: 10/10 Salad: 5/10

#3: Hussey and Laredo

Spreads: 7/10 Bagel: 6/10

Hussey and Laredo used to be my #1, but somewhere along the line, they changed their halloumi bagel and it really fucked with me. The current version of their timeless classic, in my opinion, is just not as good, and the slices were a bit thin. Shoutout to the one guy that always toasts it perfectly, he’s got frosted tips or something. Keep an eye out. The bagel itself is great, and you can watch them take it out of the water it's stored in before toasting it, sort of like when Neo comes out of the Matrix, or a reverse baptism. Unfortunately the salad is only iceberg lettuce, but I understand that they are a bit limited for space inside that caravan. The spreads are where it’s at, though. Chili jam is made in-house (in-caravan?) and depending on the day, can be burning hot or totally mild, which are fun odds to play. The hack, though is to get the avocado bagel and add halloumi and chili jam. Highly recommended because for a few dollars, this bagel goes from average to excellent. Halloumi Thickness: 6/10 Salad: 5/10

Spreads: 7/10 Bagel: 8/10

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#4: Nando’s halloumi burger with a circle cut out of the middle

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This counts, right? The Nando’s halloumi bagel serves thick-ish slices of halloumi, but plenty of them. The greens aren’t notable by any means, but Nandos is saved, as always, by its sauces. Not only can you get any spice level that you want, but the sauce that comes standard with the meal absolutely slaps. Life hack: Get a bunch of Nando’s sauce and add it to other Halloumi bagels for a full experience. The bagel itself was more like a burger bun, which may have been because it was a burger bun. I punched a hole through the middle with my finger to justify this purchase being included in the review. It was the only bagel to come with chips. Halloumi Thickness: 6/10 Salad: 7/10

#5: BEAM ME UP BAGELS

Spreads: 8/10 Bagel: 1/10

Honestly, every time I have this, it’s still disappointing. There’s something about the pesto that I just don’t like, the halloumi is never toasted enough, and the greens are barely even there. While there may not be anything remarkable about the two halloumi bagels on their menu, the sheer variety of available toppings means that there’s something for anyone. Just like every other place on this list, you can substitute meat for halloumi on pretty much every item on their menu. The possibilities are endless. Their stock-standard halloumi bagels didn’t make me feel any type of way, but that might be because I’ve been eating them for years now, and knew what to expect. Chili jam was great, definitely could have done with more salads. I don’t eat greens in my day-to-day, so I rely entirely on Beam Me Up for my vitamins and minerals, and I don’t think they know that because at this rate I’m going to catch scurvy. Halloumi Thickness: 6/10 Salad: 7/10

Spreads: 6/10 Bagel: 8/10

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Pint Review By Chug Norris

In recent years many of Dunedin’s most treasured and iconic pubs, such as Gardies and Monkey Bar have closed up shop. In wake of this, I decided to visit five popular Dunedin pubs to assess the quality of their pints.

The Method The perfect pint is a magical and elusive artefact. Not only must the price be sensible, but the atmosphere must be just right. I purchased only the most budget options on offer. Usually Speights or the bar draught, which I’m told is just the shit that Speights didn’t want to label as Speights. That really tells you something. My analysis consisted of three categories: The value of the pint, the quality of the pint, and the atmosphere of the pub. There are two possible measurements of a pint: US and Imperial. A US pint is 473 mL while an imperial pint is 568 mL. In order to assess the volume of my pints, I first emptied the pint by drinking the contents, zeroed the empty glass on electronic scales, filled the pint up to the brim with water and then weighed the difference. Because the density of water at room temperature is fairly consistent I figured this was the most accurate way to establish the true volume of the pint glass. This way any difference caused by the head of the beer or alcohol content wouldn’t affect my measurements. Bars in NZ are not required to provide pints of a certain volume. Stephen O’Brien, Manager of Trading Standards at MBIE said that: “New Zealand adopted the metric system of measurement into its legislation in the 1960s. Since this time, Imperial units of measurement (e.g. pint, gallon and foot) have not been official or legal units of measurement for trade in New Zealand.” Unfortunately, “the use of the term ‘pint’ is deemed to be a colloquial description of a large glass rather than a unit of measurement.” Although it is not against the law to serve undersized pints it is, without a doubt, morally wrong.

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U Bar Bringing electronic scales into bars is frowned upon, but generally accepted. Pint night at U Bar was the exception to this, it was almost as if they were hiding something. This required the ingenious method of bribing some random girl with a ridiculously oversized handbag to smuggle the scales in. The plan worked without a hitch and, for the price of a pint, I had exposed a massive, yet unsurprising, fraud. The ‘pints’ they serve at pint night are not even close to pints. I realise this is unlikely to surprise many people, but the pints they were serving clocked in at a very poor 428 mL. Now I know what you’re thinking, ‘yeah but they’re only 5 dollars.’ But when you label an entire evening as “pint night” you should at least actually serve a pint. Having said that, the atmosphere was great. If the girl DJ that was on at the start of the month could email Critic that would be great, it’s really important. Value: $5 for 428 mL Quality: 7/10. Pushy, but respectful Atmosphere: 8/10. Sweaty

The Bog At 563 mL, it’s safe to say The Bog serves proper Imperial pints. It was Karaoke night and the pub was largely populated by charming middle-aged people singing Frank Sinatra and Dolly Parton. The atmosphere was so fantastic that I stayed for two more jugs of Bog Draught, learning to party with the boomers. Value: $7 for 563 mL Quality: 9/10. Excellent Atmosphere: 9/10. Fantastic

Starters With pint review and my dedication to high quality journalism as an excuse, I went for a pint at 4.30 PM on a Wednesday. It quickly turned into several. I was with an absolute nicotine fiend who wanted to go outside so she could vape. It was fucking freezing, but the staff turned the heater on which was lovely. The music they were playing was super angsty which was somehow a great combination with the calm atmosphere. I am pretty sure the glasses they used were identical to the ones at Dunedin Social Club because the pint weighed in at 448 mL. Value: $7 for 448 mL Quality: 7/10. Nice Atmosphere: 6/10. Cold

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The Baa I don’t often frequent the Baaa these days, but I remember it fondly from my fresher years. I stumbled in on a Thursday night and was amazed at how little had changed. The freshers singing Kendrick on Karaoke were saying the N-word with some questionable enthusiasm and some very hard Rs. I ordered a jar of Baaa draught, safe in the knowledge that the trusty Baaa wouldn’t rip me off. But rip me off they did. A pint from the Baaa clocked in at a pathetic 425 mL. The pint glass design is intentionally deceptive, the glass is incredibly thick and it bows in the middle for maximum stinginess. I can’t stress enough what a personal betrayal this is to me. The accumulated beer that I have been cheated out of over the years haunts me. It is borderline criminal what they are doing, and there is no way to look past it. Value: $6.50 for 425 mL Quality: 5/10. Exceedingly average Atmosphere: 3/10. Betrayal

Dunedin Social Club I attended DSC on a Tuesday night. To tell the truth I was more set on the Trojan meat on chips afterwards than the pint itself, but I toughed it out. It measured in at 445 mL which was fairly small but getting close to a US pint, so I guess it was justified. Apart from a few lurking staff members, my friends and I were the only ones there, so the atmosphere was extremely relaxed. $5 is also incredibly cheap for a pint of Speights too. I was pleasantly surprised, but still slightly underwhelmed. Value: $5 for 445 mL Quality: 7/10. Good Atmosphere: 6/10. Calming

After I concluded my scientific study, the only actual pint that I reviewed was at the Bog. They win by default. Everyone else is disqualified for undersized pints. They couldn’t even make it to a US Pint, which is pathetic. The Baa also gets a special call out for betraying me in ways which I will never recover from.

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Yo u m a y n eve r h a ve n o t i c e d t h i s , b u t t h e h o u s e s o n G ra n g e a re a l l d i f fe re n t a rc h i te c t u ra l s t y l e s . L i ke , i n c re d i b l y d i f fe re n t . T h e re’s p ro b a b l y a h o u s e fo r eve r y ye a r of t h e 2 0 t h c e n t u r y. I t ’s a r i d i c u l o u s a n d m e s sy m i x t u re of s t u c c o a n d b r i c k a n d d ra u g h t y o l d v i l l a s . H e re , w e p re s e n t a s e l e c t i o n of t h e h i g h l i g h t s of t h i s n e w g e n re w e c a l l G ra n g e S t re e t A rc h i te c t u re .

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Behind the Scenes: The cast and crew of Capping Show tell all By Annabelle Vaughan

T h e a n n u a l O ta g o C a p p i n g S h o w i s b a c k fo r i t s 1 2 7 t h ye a r, w i t h s h o w s r u n n i n g f ro m M a y 1 3 to M a y 2 1 . C r i t i c s a t d o w n to c h a t w i t h s o m e of t h e c a s t a n d c re w to ta l k a b o u t w h a t w e n t i n to c re a t i n g t h i s ye a r ' s p e r fo r m a n c e a n d eve r y t h i n g i n b e t w e e n . A c to r Lu c y, V i d e o D i re c to r A l ex a n d S ta g e D i re c to r J a c o b h a ve a l l b e e n p a r t of C a p p i n g S h o w i n p rev i o u s ye a rs , fa l l i n g i n l ove w i t h i t f ro m t h e g e t g o . “ I k n e w a b o u t t h e C a p p i n g S h o w b efo re I c a m e to D u n e d i n . I w e n t a n d t h o u g h t i t w a s a m a z i n g , ” s a i d Lu c y. “ I a u d i t i o n e d a s a w r i te r, a n d h a ve b e e n a c t i n g fo r t h e p a s t t w o ye a rs . ” A l ex w a s to l d a b o u t t h e C a p p i n g S h o w f ro m h i s b ro t h e r ' s g i r l f r i e n d w h o c o n v i n c e d h i m to a u d i t i o n i n 2 0 1 9. H e h a s b e e n i n vo l ve d w i t h t h e s h o w s i n c e , i n b o t h a c t i n g a n d b e h i n d t h e s c e n e s p o s i t i o n s . D i re c to r J a c o b s a i d t h a t h e f i rs t g o t ex p o s e d to t h e s h o w i n h i s f i rs t ye a r b a c k i n 2 0 1 8 . “ I w a tc h e d i t b a c k i n 2 0 1 8 . I t h o u g h t i t w a s re a l l y c o o l , a n d s o I g a ve i t a g o — a n d n o w I ’ m d i re c t i n g , ” h e s a i d . T h e C a p p i n g S h o w h a s b e e n a n i n te g ra l p a r t of O ta g o c u l t u re s i n c e 1 8 9 4 . I t i s t h e s e c o n d l o n g e s t r u n n i n g s t u d e n t rev u e i n t h e w o r l d . E ve r y ye a r i t s h o w c a s e s n e w s ke tc h e s a n d p l o t l i n e s , w h i l e i n te g ra t i n g i c o n i c a c t s s u c h a s t h e S e l w y n B a l l e t . T h e c a s t c o m m e n t t h a t a l t h o u g h t i m e s h a ve c h a n g e d s i n c e t h e s h o w ’s o r i g i n a l d eve l o p m e n t , t h e s ke tc h e s a re i m p o r ta n t to u p h o l d t h e u n i q u e c u l t u re a n d t ra d i t i o n w h i c h w e h a ve h e re a t O ta g o .

s ke tc h e s , t h e re i s s o m e t h i n g to of fe n d a l m o s t eve r yo n e . T h e re’s a l w a y s t h a t o n e s ke tc h t h a t ’s l i ke ‘o h e d g y, a m I a l l o w e d to l a u g h ? ’ ” s a i d Lu c y. “At t h e s ta r t , w e w o u l d p i tc h s ke tc h e s a n d ex p l o re eve r y t h i n g t h a t h a s eve r h a p p e n e d , l i ke to g a p a r t i e s , t h e n w e c h e r r y p i c k w h i c h o n e s to i n c l u d e i n to t h e s h o w, ” s a i d A l ex . “ T h e re’s a l a rg e va r i e t y of c o m e d y a n d i t w i l l a p p e a l to p e o p l e w h o a re s t u d e n t s , o r h a ve a s i m i l a r s e n s e of h u m o u r. T h e re ’s s o m e t h i n g fo r eve r yo n e , ” s a i d J a c o b . “ T h i s ye a r a s a d i re c to r i t ’s b e e n s u p e r d i f fe re n t to b e i n g a n a c to r. Yo u ’ re w a tc h i n g eve r y p e r fo r m a n c e o n t h e s ta g e . We h a ve to l o o k a t i t a n d a s k , ‘ w a i t a m i n u te , i s t h i s f u n n y ? ’ ” A l t h o u g h re h e a rs a l s h a ve b e e n i n f u l l s w i n g fo r w e e ks n o w w i t h t h e c a s t g e a r i n g u p fo r s h o w, t h e re w e re s o m e s e t b a c ks w h e n D u n e d i n w e n t b a c k i n to A l e r t Leve l 2 e a r l i e r i n t h e ye a r. “C ov i d -1 9 p u s h e d re h e a rs a l s a n d a u d i t i o n s b a c k a w e e k w h i c h w a s c h a l l e n g i n g , i t m e a n t w e w e re s e t b a c k fo r eve r y t h i n g , ” s a i d Lu c y. D e s p i te t h i s , eve r y t h i n g h a s c o m e to g e t h e r a n d t h e c a s t a re re a d y to s h o w c a s e t h e i r ta l e n t s . “ I t fe e l s ve r y m u c h l i ke o u r s h o w, a n d o u r c h i l d . T h e re a l l y n e r vo u s a n d exc i t i n g t h i n g i s to s e e i f eve r yo n e l i ke s o u r s h o w a n d i t ’s l o o k i n g re a l l y g o o d . I t ’s exc i t i n g b e i n g p a r t of t h e d i re c t i n g c re w, ” s a i d A l ex . Lu c y s a i d s h e e n c o u ra g e s o t h e rs to p a r t i c i p a te i n t h e ye a rs to c o m e .

“ I t ’s c h a n g e d s o m u c h ove r t h e ye a rs , eve n w i t h a d d i n g v i d e o . Yo u w o u l d n ’ t s e e t h a t te n ye a rs a g o , ” s a i d A l ex . “ I fe e l l i ke t h e t h i n g s I t h i n k a b o u t a re t h e t ra d i t i o n s a n d t r y i n g to ke e p t h e m u p b e c a u s e i t ’s s u c h a c o o l p a r t of t h e s h o w, w i t h S ex y te t a n d the Selwyn ballet.”

“ E ve r yo n e’s j u s t s u c h a b i g fa m i l y. Yo u g e t s o c l o s e w i t h eve r yo n e , a n d i t ’s s o n i c e w h e n I ’ m s t re s s e d a n d I g e t to g o [ to re h e a rs a l ] w h e re I k n o w I ’ m g o i n g to b e i n a b e t te r m o o d . I t ’s a l o t of f u n . T h i s i s t h e t h i n g I w i l l ta ke a w a y t h e m o s t f ro m U n i , ” she said.

Lu c y a g re e d . S h e s a i d i t w a s n ’ t u n t i l re c e n t l y t h a t s h e w a s a w a re of h o w i m p o r ta n t t h e s h o w i s to O ta g o ’s c u l t u re a n d h i s to r y. “ I d i d n ’ t re a l l y k n o w a b o u t t h e h i s to r y of i t u n t i l w e s a w i t l a s t ye a r o n t h e n e w s . ”

J a c o b i s a l s o s to ke d to s e e t h e s h o w c o m e to l i fe , a n d s a y s t h a t i t t r u l y i s a n ex p e r i e n c e eve r yo n e c a n p a r t i c i p a te i n . “ We h a ve p e o p l e w h o h a ve n eve r d o n e a p ro d u c t i o n b efo re g e t i n vo l ve d . I t ’s s o e n j oya b l e b e c a u s e eve r yo n e h a s s u c h a g o o d a t t i t u d e a n d j u s t g e t s s t u c k i n to i t . ”

T h e s h o w i s b a s e d o n D u n e d i n c u l t u re a n d h u m o u r, a s w e l l a s p o p c u l t u re . “ T h e re a re a l o t of D u n e d i n refe re n c e s i n t h e

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WHAT RTD ARE YOU? BY ALEX LECKIE-ZAHARIC

1. BEST PLACE TO BUY BOOZE? 1) Liquorland

3. BEST SHOW TO BINGE WATCH?

5. BEST SPREAD FOR TOAST?

2) SuperLiquor

1) Friends

1) Nutella

3) New World Centre City

2) The Office

2) Butter

4) Henry’s

3) Suits

3) Marmite

5) Big Barrel

4) Game of Thrones

4) Raspberry Jam

5) Survivor

5) Marmalade

1) Pepperoni

4. FAVOURITE PLACE TO STUDY?

6. BEST CHUPA-CHUP FLAVOUR?

2) Hawaiian

1) Central Library

1) Cola

3) Beef and Onion

2) Robertson Library

2) Raspberry

4) Vege trio

3) Health Sciences Library

3) Choco Banana

5) Cheesy Garlic

4) Law Library

4) Watermelon

5) Marsh Study Centre

5) Strawberries and Cream

0-9: Nitro

15-19: Long White

25-29: Billy Mavs

You’re probably a fresher. You have to post literally every marginal event on your Snapchat story. It’s highly likely you either spend your Thursdays blacked out in Subs, or stressing over your LAWS101 legal opinion.

You’re probably blonde, rich, a former head prefect, from Auckland, or all four. You enjoy spending daddy’s money at music festivals, but have phenomenal Instagram game, which explains your ego.

You’re an expert at sifting and beer pong. You enjoy getting on the piss with the boys. You either do a Bcom or are a tradie. You know how to spin a yarn, but definitely don’t know how to cook or do laundry.

10-14: Woodstock Raspberry, Bourbon and Cola

20-24: Vodka and Lemonade

30+: Cheeky Ice Tea

You’re the always loyal, consistent mate who is friends with everyone. You probably lost your virginity pretty late in life, but it gave you the best sense of humour. There is never a dull Saturday when you’re around.

Effortlessly cool. People are infatuated with your enigma. You have cool outfits, but don’t tell anyone where they are from. You get hit on constantly. It must be nice to be you.

2. WHAT’S THE BEST BUDGET PIZZA?

You’re either a Castle Street dwelling breatha, or laid back Polytech student who enjoys a joint every now and again. For the most part, you’re the chilled out mate, but sometimes you just take it too far.

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What’s the Deal With Dunedin, Florida? Dunedin, but not as you know it By Alex Leckie-Zaharic

If you’re on Facebook or part of Dunedin News, chances are you’ve come across Dunedin, Florida. Every now and again on Dunedin News, boomers will post things like “I don’t know how I ended up in this group, I’m looking for Dunedin, Florida.” It is then accompanied by a thread of comments of boomers bonding over talking shit about America. It got me wondering, where the fuck is Dunedin, Florida? Where is it? How is there another Dunedin? I thought we were the only ones. Curiosity got the better of me, so I endeavored to research our American counterpart. Turns out, it sounds like just a really big retirement village where old people go to live out their glory days and drink. I can already see the similarities. Dunedin, Florida is a city in the middle of fucking nowhere. Well, it’s in Florida, a huge state. With a population of just over thirty thousand people, it’s only marginally bigger than the student population of the University. If you’re one of those students and have been living under a rock ever since you came to Otago, you might have missed the name Dunedin originates from Dùn Èideann, the Gaelic name for Edinburgh, the capital of Scotland. Some genius Scotsmen by the name of J.O. Douglas and James Somerville nipped over to the States in the late 1800s and had the brilliant idea of renaming the town of Jonesboro, Florida to Dunedin. Which was cheeky considering the cheese roll capital of the world was colonised some 50 years odd previous. What’s even worse is our Floridian cousin has the balls to have some of the bougiest suburb names imaginable. Places like Beltrees Plaza, Fairway Estates, and Curlew Landings sound like they shot right out of a Sims game and landed in a development of McMansions. That’s surely more pretentious than suburbs like Māori Hill, Belleknowes and Waverley, right? The most damning evidence to Dunedin, FL being an absolute shithole is the fact then when you open up Google Maps, one of the first locations that pops out is a fucking Herbalife distributor. Herbalife, if you don’t know, is one of the biggest pyramid schemes in the world, renowned for recruiting bored American housewives to rope their friends into the scheme over a midday glass of pinot. However, when it comes to beaches and lakes, they’ve

got us beat. First of all, they’ve got a lake called Lake Highlander sitting in the middle of the city (why didn’t we think of that?), and their entire coast is filled with gorgeous beaches that consistently get rated amongst the best in the world. Right alongside those beaches are numerous breweries serving craft beers. Just like us, FloridianDunedinites seem to love the piss. I suppose even the Americans have a need for decent-tasting booze once they get sick of guzzling Bud Light. I had a look through a list of Dunedin, FL’s most famous people. I hadn’t heard of a single one. Like, I get that we live on the other side of the world, but surely we could have heard of someone. Instead, Dunedin is a baseball town through and through, with their most famous residents being random baseball players who are just good at hitting things. The only name anybody might actually recognise is David Nutter, a director who oversaw some really good and some really shit episodes of Game of Thrones. I suppose he gets a pass, especially if you consider the fact he directed the first episodes of cult shows like Supernatural, Flash and The Mentalist. As many Scottish heritage cities are wont to do, Dunedin, FL also plays host to regular Highland Games and has a pipe band. I suppose we can’t give points for originality there. However, they have tried (and succeeded) to one-up the Dunedin City Council in their ability to piss off everyone with stupid laws. In the past six years, they’ve collected just over five million NZD in fines just from grass being too long and parking fines. I suppose Lee Vandervis won’t be making a trip over any time soon. However, if you ever feel like visiting our American counterpart because you want better sand and surf than St. Clair has it’s going to take a fucking long time. A trip to Denver, Colorado, via Auckland and Los Angeles, puts you a short skip away from Dunedin’s closest airport St. Pete-Clearwater International Airport. Or, if you jump on an Allegiant Air flight (think Jetstar, but even more low budget) to St. Pete’s via Cincinnati, Ohio. Honestly, it’s not worth the effort. Critic suggests brining a Florida Man training programme to Castle Street so we can get more wild headlines without having to deal with American immigration.

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“You feel that instant connection” Kiwi singer Merk on his latest album, touring, and conethemed conspiracy theories By Elliot Weir

Kiwi artist Mark Perkins, known by his stage name ‘Merk’, has made a name for himself in recent years releasing two successful albums to critical acclaim. Critic Te Arohi spoke to Merk about his most recent album, Infinite Youth, which came out in February of this year. Merk has been playing music since he was a kid. “I started learning drums when I was 11, transitioned to guitar when I was 13, and have been writing songs since I could play guitar.” Throughout high school, he worked some shitty jobs to get by, including a fundraising job where “in the middle of summer I had a wear a big fluffy cow costume while I had the worst hayfever of my life.” After high school, and that presumably very sweaty experience, Merk began playing in bands in Auckland. Merk said he tries to “listen as far and wide as I possibly can,” believing that if you only have one or two main influences it’s easy for your music to just sound like theirs. He continued to say that he does really like ’60s pop and ’90s guitar music, and that recently he’s “been getting more into classical music and especially the ’60s New York Classical Scene, such as the American Minimalism Scene with Steve Reich and Philip Glass, that was a big influence on this album [Infinite Youth] too.” Infinite Youth has been more than two years in the making. After his first album, Swordfish, came out in 2016, and after spending 2017 touring and doing “lots of external music work”, Merk decided in 2018 it was time to work on his next project. “I slowly crafted

these songs in my room on voice memos late at night at my parents’ house while they were asleep, whispering quietly into my cell phone.” When asked about the differences between playing music live and working in the studio, Merk said the main difference was in how fast you get the gratification for the music you make. “In the studio it's methodically working away for a long time and then people hear it”, whereas when you’re playing to a live audience “people hear the sound as you’re making it, and then they clap; it’s a faster turnaround.” Merk named going for walks, visiting art galleries, and “eating yum food” as things he likes to do in a city when touring. Since his current tour is confined to our borders it’s also “a good opportunity to catch up with some old friends, which is nice.” Merk said he was excited to play in Dunedin, and that he hasn’t played a headline show in Dunedin before so that would be a new experience for him. Getting a Swirly is a song created over lockdown from Instagram Live comments and inspired by an inexplicable inside joke between his fans. We asked Merk if it would ever be released on Spotify. He laughed and replied that if there was enough demand he would. Merk also said how, after plans for tours across Europe and America “got yoinked away” in 2020, he “had all this pent up energy for performing live.” He started performing in his studio on Instagram Live and talking with the chat of people watching.

“Every time I got a lyric wrong they started chanting in the chat via messages that I needed a swirly. That became a meme in our little Merk universe where everyone would always try and convince me to give myself a swirly. Eventually we played this game where I wrote this [song] with my friend Leroy [Clampitt], but only using lyrics that the chat submitted, so it was kind of this big co-write with Leroy, and myself, and a few hundred other people.” Inspired by our recent conspiracy issue, Critic Te Arohi probed Merk for any conspiracy theories he believed in. Merk revealed a conspiracy theory he and his bandmate dubbed Big Cone. “There’s always heaps of cones around, and roadworks take sooo long. I live on K Road and they’re doing all these roadworks and they take forever. It’s in the cone industry’s interest to keep roadworks delayed, so they’re purposely delaying and extending roadworks so that more cones are needed.” When Critic suggested that Big Cone would be thwarted in Dunedin by all the drunk students taking cones home, Merk countered that since those cones are probably already sold to the construction companies, “maybe that’s part of it, where they’ve started this trend and they’re paying Uni students to steal cones so that [the construction companies] have to keep buying more cones.” You can catch Merk live at Dive Bar in Dunedin, May 23rd. His music can also be found on Spotify.

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ley

Gour Sean

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Sam Charlesworth is a fresher studying Studio Production, Marine Science, and Te Reo Māori here at Otago. With just “a few mics and an interface,” he has recorded a huge amount of music and has recently started playing gigs around Dunedin.

you’ve absorbed just come out.” His passion for songwriting means he’s generated enough content to continuously release new tracks. “I think I’ve got so many albums because as soon as I write something I’ll just record it and try to get it to a good enough standard to release.”

Sam records all of his songs without using a studio, opting to record in his Selwyn college bedroom. “I’m doing studio production here to try to get studio quality music in my bedroom and save a shit ton of money. You don’t have to pay for an engineer and a producer and all that shit,” he says.

His set-up is fairly cheap and easy. “I released an album of ten songs which were all recorded on GarageBand on my German exchange student’s laptop. It’s pretty crazy because I listen back to them and they’re just terrible recordings, I had no idea what I was doing but some people seemed to like it so that was cool.” He doesn’t worry too much about dampening. “It’s kind of cool to have a bit of reverb, it makes the vocals sound a bit lo-fi. A couple of times I’ve hung up a bunch of sheets, but it’s not really a big deal.”

Although he has been playing the guitar since he was three, Sam hasn’t had any formal musical training. “I kind of taught myself just from fiddling around and trying to figure out how to make different chords. I had a piano lesson when I was like three or something. I think it gives you a unique approach to music, you can write stuff that people who are more theory based don’t think of because you’re just writing what sounds good to you,” he explains. Sam says that recording in a residential college has its challenges, “it can be a little difficult recording in a tiny room sometimes,” he says. Alongside recording, Sam is also pretty efficient when it comes to writing songs. In terms of his method, he says he “never really starts out with a set idea of a song. You get in a kind of mood and you just let all that stuff

Recently he’s collaborated with his mate Sophie to make a few songs, including a single he’s about to release called ‘Look Mum I’m on TV.’ “We’re trying to get it out for NZ Music Month. It should be out at the end of May, or maybe next month. We might do a music video for that one too.” Most of his music videos were done by his mate at high school who was into film. One video for a song called ‘The Difference Between’ focuses on men’s mental health “I didn’t know half of the people aye, my mate just set up a little party and was like have fun and we’ll just film.”

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HOROSCOPES Aquarius

Leo

Jan 20 – Feb 18 Learn to stand up for yourself, doormat.

July 23 –Aug 22

Good deed for the week: Picking up rubbish.

Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20 In the coming week you’re going to catch feelings. Stop before you start. Good deed for the week: Doing your dishes.

Stop starting rumours and creating shit storms. No one needs that. Good deed for the week: The only deed you’ll do is something dirty.

Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22 Sit the back, relax, and have some ice cream. Good deed for the week: Learning how to share.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19 They’re not busy, they just don’t want to see you. Stop chasing flakey people. Good deed for the week: Donating to charity.

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20 If you stop judging people you might make some friends. Good deed for the week: Attempting to spread kindness.

Gemini

Libra Sept 23 – Oct 22 Stop being so oblivious to everything. Good deed for the week: Apologizing for your mistakes.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21 A dart a day keeps the pain away. Good deed for the week: Dog walking.

Sagittarius

May 21 – Jun 20 Stay fun, stay flirty!

Nov 22 – Dec 21 Learn some time management skills, you fucking need them.

Good deed for the week: Giving some head.

Good deed for the week: Making a to-do list.

Cancer

Capricorn

Jun 21 – Jul 22 Instead of whining, trying wine-ing. Good deed for the week: Being the sober driver.

Dec 22 – Jan 19 It’s okay to laugh sometimes. Life can have joy. Good deed for the week: Smiling at strangers.

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RATE

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OR By Sasha Freeman

HATE?

People putting a fuckton of rubbish on their lawns in protest of the Uni’s 1984 vibes. The Proctor can’t fine us all, or can he??

The central lib fire alarm going off when it was pissing down with rain and I was hours behind on a deadline :(

Getting breathas at the bar at pint night to choose my drink for me. Speights is NOT good and I don’t care that I’m from Dunedin.

Things being illegal. Not to sound like David Seymour but can the government relax with their intervention into our personal lives?

Ellen Degeneres’ TV show being cancelled. It’s about fucking time.

This guy who tried to convince me that his grapefruit-flavoured vape juice counted towards his 5+ fruit and veg a day.

The bartender who told me I wouldn’t like a martini when I ordered one, and then laughed at me when a called him over to inform him that I did like it.

The fact that we have to exchange legal tender for goods and services. I don’t have any legal tender at this time but I would like some goods and services.

It emerging that Bill Gates’ wife began divorce proceedings as soon as Bill’s ties to Jefferey Epstein were scrutinized. That’s called personally holding the men in your life to account.

The guy outside the kebab shop who didn’t believe my flattie when she told him her name, so he called us stinking fucking dogs and told us to fuck off home. Not cool bro (but yes, she was lying).

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BOOZE REVIEW:

WOODSTOCK BOURBON AGED COLA R ASPBE RRY E DITION BY CHUGG NORRIS

Woodstock Raspberry tastes like if a Liquorice Allsort and a rat had a kid. It tastes like a raspberry bun except instead of filling it with jam, they filled with regurgitated Billy Mavs. It tastes like a Razor Scooter to the ankle. It tastes like binge drinking on a dark field when you’re 16. It tastes like the karma you get for stealing other people's drinks at parties. I consumed Woodstock Bourbon and Cola Raspberry Edition pre-pint night as usual. There is something special about drinking on a Wednesday, it makes your whole week feel much cruisier. However, this drink came very close to ruining my night. It leaves this vile after-taste which makes your entire mouth feel nasty, like you’ve been sucking on a lollipop someone stuck up their bum. It creates a vicious cycle, where you keep drinking it to wash the taste out of your mouth, which ends up making it worse. Pint night was excellent. I ended up laughing hysterically at shit jokes and fighting with my flatmates at two in the morning, but I do not attribute this good time to the Woodstocks. The taste of Woodstock Raspberry is difficult to describe. The raspberry flavour does not disguise the taste of shit bourbon at all. If anything it amplifies it. I do not know why they decided to do this. I can’t believe that someone actually tried to create this drink. They probably had a panel of people developing them, all trying to outdo themselves to get the most ridiculous flavours approved as an inside joke. Apparently this is a limited edition drink sold in collaboration with 7 Days but I think it will take more than an outdated TV show to get this scum off the shelves. The value is also shit. They come in boxes of 12 x 330 mL 7% cans for $24.99. That puts them at $1.49 per standard which is just adding insult to injury at this point. These are among the worst value RTDs you can buy. Woodstock Raspberries are a stunning monument to what can happen when you let a marketing team have too much influence on an organisation. Raspberry Woodstock may sound like an interesting twist on paper, but in practice it is an abomination. Again I find myself wondering how such a drink ever got approved by people that create drinks for a living. Tastes like: Garbage, the liquid at the bottom of a McDonald’s drink machine Froth level: Accidentally calling your teacher mum Pairs well with: Acne, self-loathing

Taste rating: 1/10, God Fucking Awful

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This is my go-to recipe for when I don’t want to wash up lots of pots and pans. It’s simple, it’s delicious, and everyone loves it. My favourite thing to do with a risotto is to add camembert or brie cheese. I know it sounds a bit weird, but please try it.

SERVES 4 A splash of oil

200g (4 rashers) bacon, finely sliced 1 onion, chopped

1 tbsp minced garlic (or 4 cloves)

2 tsp dried thyme, or any herb you like

1. 2. 3. 4.

1 head broccoli, chopped into medium sized pieces 1 1/3 cup arborio rice

1 litre chicken stock, plus an extra cup or so just in case 1 cup frozen peas

In a pot over medium high heat, fry bacon in a splash of oil until crispy. Lower the heat to medium. Add onion, garlic, and thyme, season with salt and pepper and fry off for around 5 minutes, until the onion starts to soften. Stir in arborio rice and broccoli and cook for a couple of minutes.

Add the stock, and simmer for 15-20 minutes. If you feel like your risotto is getting a little dry, pour in some more stock.

Half a block of Camembert or brie; alternatively you can use a handful of grated parmesan or whatever cheese you like A knob of butter (optional) Lemon juice (optional) Salt and pepper

When the rice is almost cooked, stir in the peas and diced camembert. Cook for another couple of minutes. The peas should be cooked and the camembert should be fully melted.

When your rice is cooked, remove from the heat. Taste and season with salt and pepper. If you want, you can stir through a knob of butter to make it extra creamy. Add a little lemon juice if you like.

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The Critical Tribune Local Man Talks Back To Mechanic, Becomes New Alpha Male

Library Fine CDOs the Future of University Financial Strategy

In what was hailed as a world-first, a Dunedin man has successfully challenged his mechanic for the coveted position of alpha male. It began when Rob noticed the automatic transmission on his beloved 2011 Volkswagen Golf was beginning to shift oddly. He took it to Mike’s Mechanics down the road, where Mike promptly diagnosed the issue as a faulty N88 solenoid valve.

In a stroke of genius, the University of Otago has bundled individual outstanding library fines, referred to as book-backed securities (BS), into collateralised debt obligations (CDOs) made up of thousands of outstanding fines. It is rumoured that the promising financial strategy was adopted in order to finance the acquisition of Larnach Castle and attract a new Vice-Chancellor.

He expected the mere, confident mention of this niche part, one of the tens of thousands in the Golf’s intricate seven-speed BorgWarner Direktschaltgetriebe transmission, would intimidate Rob into instant, grovelling submission. To his astonishment, Rob insisted on continuing the conversation instead, threatening Mike’s entrenched position as top dog.

The CDO is divided into layers of BS called tranches, which separate the securities based on risk rating. Book-borrowers with a history of reckless behaviour, such as accidentally walking away with books from the reserve section, will be classified as high risk BS.

“That’s interesting,” Rob said, “but I reckon it could also be the N92 solenoid, because I know it’s having issues shifting into second, and that’s to do with the N88, but I suspect the N92 could also be stuck open, because it needs to be inactive for that to happen, yeah?” Sensing Mike’s sudden weakness, Rob pressed on: “Maybe it could be that the wiring into the solenoids are short to the ground.” Finishing with a sly, yet crushing “but I’m no professional. What do you think?” this sheer tidal wave of masculinity forced Mike to immediately back down, mumbling “yeah, you could be right mate — you really know your stuff, huh.” At press time, the newly-crowned alpha Rob, radiating with big dick energy, was getting ready to pay Mike $4,269 to replace both valves (retail price $300).

Additionally, the University has bought the CDOs of every library in New Zealand and is offering investors a chance to invest in a “synthetic CDO” which essentially receives insurance premiums from investors in the base CDOs. The only drawback of this scheme is that if any of the CDOs fail, the University will be liable for their full value. Some have raised concerns that the CDOs are undiversified and rely too heavily on risky sub-prime BS. In response, the University simply stated that they were “too big to fail” and threatened to expel those making the claims for breaches of the new Code of Conduct which includes gathering in groups of more than two people, and possessing a vape.

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Gym-buddies With Benefits I had never been much of a gym girl. I did the occasional squats, cardio, dumbbells and all that jazz, but I’d never fully committed. So, one day, I thought I’d finally start working towards my lifelong goal of becoming as buff as Korra. This entailed getting a gym membership that I probably wouldn’t have used if it weren’t for my doubly eager flatmate who also wanted to get buff with me. And so, there we were, my flatmate and I, in the weights room. If you’ve never been to one, let me tell ya, it’s pretty intimidating. Regardless, we tried our best and did a couple of, probably poor-form, reps of random equipment before my flatmate ended up getting hungry and left. Hence, there I was, alone in the weights room. Well, not fully alone, as there was this girl who I’d noticed had been staring at me for quite some time. Shit, I thought to myself. Here’s this girl who looks like she could rip a cinder block in half, probably noticing my piss-poor form. To be frank, I was humiliated. So, I tried to save face by awkwardly starting a conversation. “Uh, yeah, sorry, I don’t really do this sort of thing much, I think I’m doing this all wrong. I don’t suppose you have any tips?” I’m not really sure what I was expecting, but she walked over to me and said she could give me a demonstration. Which I was glad for, since I felt like a fish out of water just being in the room. So, standing beside me, she went over which muscles should

be activated during which movements and then she said “it might be hard to tell just from looking, so I can show you what it would feel like if you want.” And of course, being the flaming bi that I am, I jumped at the opportunity. Which is how I found myself feeling up the gorgeous muscles of this Amazonian lady. But, not one to be selfish, I said, while batting my eyelashes, “I think I understand now, can you check if I’m doing it correctly?” And that, my friends, is how I found myself being felt up by a buff girl. After a while, we kinda both acknowledged that we should take this somewhere else before some gym-bros get an eyeful. As it turns out, we both had gotten a little sweaty during our teaching session. So we headed to the girls’ shower room, where she pushed me up against the lockers, knee between my legs, and kissed me within an inch of my life. Unfortunately, our time in the showers was cut short since we heard some people about to walk in. But, fortunately, she had a license and a car so she was able to drive us to her studio where she proceeded to show me what a real workout looked like. I guess let's just say, you haven’t lived if you haven’t been topped by a gym girl. End of story. So, if any of you need any motivation to go to the gym, please do. I 1000/10 recommend it.

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