Critic - 2022 Issue 20 by Critic - Te Ārohi

Dear Critic, This week while having my lunch by the Leith I was approached by two Otago students who wanted to talk to me about Christianity. Normally I would have said no thank you but I happened to be listening to a podcast about Christianity at the time so (excuse the irony) it seemed predetermined. I have had prior experience with Christianity and am fortunate to have not suffered at the hands of this belief system. Not everyone is this fortunate. While Otago must create space for people of all faiths it must also create an environment that is safe for people of all backgrounds, ability, sexuality and gender. To allow Christian organisations to approach young adults (who could be vulnerable) on campus does not create this safe environment. Otago needs to facilitate the promotion of mental health services, not the Christian God.

George.Thanks, Hold Big Union accountable. I’m tired of all this fear mongering around AI by Big Union. It's all, “They’ll take your jobs” this, and “They’ll kill us all” that. Big Union is pushing their propaganda through Hollywood with their (not very scientific) science fiction movies like the Terminator series. The corrupt middle class just wants to keep all the jobs and labour for themselves. These selfish acts are getting in the way of real development. Who are they to put up road-blocks on my journey of de-evolution? I want to sit on my ass while a robot does everything I could possibly ever need. I never want to learn, or love, or experience anything ever again. Big Union is the primary cause of distress and discomfort in modern society. Source? I made it up. As for the “threat” of AI, I offer a simple, foolproof solution. Just don’t give them opposable thumbs. Try to name a single war that has been fought where the side without opposing thumbs won (Please don’t mention the Emu War or the Four Pests campaign). The T-800 would be far less effective at wielding that M134 Minigun if he didn’t have any thumbs. He would look so silly I bet he would die just from the embarrassment.

John championed women's education and founded the first public girls school in the Southern Hemisphere (Otago Girls' High School). He also advocated at one point for the independence of the South Island (pretty sick idea).

Editor’s response: I think, technically, it’s their right to free speech to do that. Just like it’s your right to free speech to tell them to get absolutely fucked.

Dear Critic, Can someone please write a piece on how the University is going central. It is truly selling its soul, not a good initiative at all, it's all very concerning for the students and the integrity of research. Would be amazing if some light is shed on Cheersthis!

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Kia ora Critic, In the recent issue 18 of Critic on the 8th of August, a clue was written in the crossword. This clue read "Condition for a neat freak, abbr. (3)", and unless my crosswording skills failed me completely, the answer to this clue was "OCD". It feels silly to even need to point this out, but this is a harmful trivialisation of a serious mental illness. Not really sure what more to say, it's embarrassing for a student magazine to publish this.

Hey Critic, Feeling the stress of exams already? No need! We have curated a study playlist for you to listen to, to ease the pressure of exams. Did you know music with a bpm of below 60 decreases your heart rate and relieves stress and anxiety? Spotify playlist: Study Critic 2022. Kind MANT252regards,students :)

Kia ora Critic, Recently, a Letter of The Week taught us about the racist man the Galton house in Psychology is named after. I'd like to contrast this with the absolute king that the Richardson building is named after: John CHEESE Richardson. The man's middle name is cheese.

Dear Critic, Subwardens in University owned halls don't make enough money to cover the costs of living at their halls, even with discounts. We literally pay to work at halls. Additionally, the recent subwarden symposium saw university staff encouraging us to work for free and do longer hours. I think it would horrify most people to learn this. Please don't out me as a whistleblower as I could get in a lot of trouble for this, but I want to be able to provide more info if wanted. How the fuck is this legal?

For more gigs happening around Dunedin, check out r1.co.nz/gig-guide

IsSincerelyevangelising ever okay?

Thank you Mr Cheese Richardson and your beautiful building. ASincerely,humble admirer

City Choir Dunedin - Rossini Petite Messe Solennelle KNOX CHURCH 7:30PM Tickets from eventfinda.co.nz

It’s time we stand up for ourselves and #HoldBigUnionAccountable. Sincerely, Robert Merifield.

LETTER OF THE WEEK LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A $25 VOUCHER FROM UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOPLETTERSEMAILCRITIC@CRITIC.CO.NZ FEATURE EVENT: Radio One 91FM presents: Daffodils w/ The Lazy Eyes DIVE 8PM Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz

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ISSUE4 20 / THE AI ISSUE / 22 AUGUST 2022 EDITORIAL: EDITOR Fox Meyer NEWS EDITOR Denzel Chung FEATURES EDITOR Elliot Weir CULTURE EDITOR Annabelle Parata Vaughan SUB EDITOR Maddie Fenn KAITUHI MĀORI Skyla, Ngāti Hine SCIENCE EDITOR Beth Wishart NEWS REPORTER Zak Rudin STAFF WRITERS Sean Gourley, Keegan Wells, Ruby Werry, Lotto Ramsay, Jamiema Lorimer CONTRIBUTORS Nina Brown, Anna Robertshawe, Hugh Askerud, Arlo Hill, Rosie Joyce, Various AI DESIGNERDESIGN: Molly Willis ILLUSTRATION Rutene Rickard Daniel Van Lith (@art_by_deeev) Justina King (@coccinelleart) Esmond Paterson (@_eastmund) PHOTOGRAPHER Connor Simpson (@connor.simpsonn) CENTREFOLD Daniel Van Lith FRONT COVER Esmond Paterson PUZZLE MASTER Aleisha Chalmers PRODUCTION: ONLINE Stella Inkpen DISTRIBUTION Vincent Withers ADVERTISING SALES: Laura Maxwell Jared Anglesey Peter Phone:sales@planetmedia.co.nzRamsay034795361 READ ONLINE: Issuu.com/critic_te_arohicritic.co.nz GET IN TOUCH: CriticP.O.Box03Tweet/CriticTeArohiFacebook/CriticTeArohicritic@critic.co.nz47953351436,DunedinTeĀrohiisamemberof the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor or OUSA. NZ Media Council: People with a complaint against a magazine should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the NZ Media ComplaintsCouncil. should be addressed to the Secretary: info@mediacouncil.org.nz.

In all of these examples, we found two common themes: firstly, that everyone is pretty much completely gobsmacked as to what to do next. The law has been totally outpaced by the technology, and it’s sort of a Wild West situation online until legislation picks up. The second thing we found is that - like AI coders have been saying since the 60s - AI is not actually that incredible. It is filled with mistakes and frustrations, and getting it to produce anything passable as human-made is incredibly difficult - almost more difficult than actually making it yourself. Learning how to speak to an AI and fine-tune its outputs is an art form on its own. So on the one hand, AI is scary because it seems to threaten creative jobs, can be misused by the depraved among us, and makes us question what it means to “create”. But on the other hand, AI is just another tool that we’ve developed to help us live a more interesting and productive life. It takes practice, and it’s ultimately our creation. It’s not a digital God - it’s more of a virtual wishing well: something that you throw a coin into, make a vague request of, and then cross your fingers and hope for the best result. Like any tool, it can be used by the best and the worst of us, and like any tool, it takes practice. But it’s here, it’s new, and it’s certainly going to change the way we work. We hope you enjoy seeing what it can produce. We had heaps of fun playing with it, and even if the future is a bit scary, at least it’s incredibly interesting. By Fox

AIEditorial:Meyerismore–and less –scary than you think

In this issue, every piece of art was initially designed by an AI. We used DALL·E 2 and Midjourney to create concept art, and then had our artists go back over that art to stylise it. If we learned anything from that process, it’s that AI won’t be replacing artists any time soon. The final results were garbled, and required some fine-tuning to get right. Even just arriving at a final result took a while, as we had to keep editing and refining what we wanted. If you want to use AI to create art, go for it! You’ll just have to spend a while learning how to actually drive the thing. AI art making is more of a new tool for artists rather than a replacement, so rest assured that your art career is not about to be hijacked by robots. But it’s not just artists - we had an AI create writing samples, too, including this week’s AI Tribune, recipe, Moaningful Confession, and horoscopes. Those were pretty hilarious, but also pretty clearly written by a machine. So, writers, you’re safe as well. That’s the good news. The bad news is that for every creative, curious or artistic person out there trying to make stuff with AI, there’s just as many vile, perverted halfwits who’re using it to cause harm. As you’ll see in one of the features this week, the world of AI-generated porn is already here, and it’s built on a database of real abuse. That article was the single most depraved research experience I’ve ever had the displeasure of looking into. As for writing, there are those who want to use AI to create something funny and irreverent, and there are also those who want to use it to cheat their way through Uni.

If you want to take part in the study, you can check out the attached flyer. But “definitely don’t” show up to the Food Science Department with a doggie bag of your own poo, said Patrick. Instead, if you’re confirmed as a participant, they’ll send you a kit with instructions and sterile tools for collection, which sounds a lot less messy. Working with ‘poo’ To us is not a boo-boo, Nor is it taboo ‘Cos ours is a research group who Specialise in unearthing mysteries in poo. Ngoni is a bioinformatics guru Biniam’s fingerprinting toolkit will woo The most reluctant of scientific data to Reveal patterns and insights too. So we want your poo. If you can help, please do Give us some ‘solids’ from the loo. We’ll thank you, as it is your due And you’ll further scientific inquiry too. Whether you’re from Honolulu or Timbuktu, Your help will do; Yes, yours, too

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Led by Dominic, a food scientist and Critic’s new favourite poet, the study is run by the Food Science Department. Patrick could not confirm if the researchers wore smell-protection in the lab, though he emphasised the sterile nature of the procedure. He also could also not confirm if the researchers did their poo-work before or after lunch: “I’m sure for their own sake I’d be hoping they'd do it after lunch - but that might be even worse!”

While the topic may make people “a bit uncomfortable”, Patrick said that Dominic’s choice to use humour in the email was “fantastic”. “A lot of people get sort of weirded out by the idea of collecting your poo and handing it over to someone else,” he said. “I think that's what Dominic was trying to get through in the email, sort of a little bit of humour in there to make it a little less uncomfortable.” After all, Critic Editor // critic@critic.co.nz

While that’s cool on its own, the study focuses on the connections a little lower down in the body. It’s looking specifically at IBD, and changes in people’s gut biomes, as seen in their poo, may provide valuable insights into what’s going on in their puku.

Researchers Want YOUR Poop!

On Wednesday, 10 August, a mass email was sent out by Dr. Dominic Agyei in the Food Science Department. It was asking students for their poop. The email was objectively hilarious, opening with the line: “We scratched our heads for a while but could not think of a nicer way to say it than that we want your poo.” The email detailed the specifics of the study, which will look at how microbial bacteria in your gut can give insights into Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD). It then closed with a delightful poem (see below).

Critic Te Ārohi chatted with Patrick Nolan, a student working in the gut bacteria field. While he hasn’t actually been in the poo lab yet, he stressed the importance of the study. “Poo is a direct link to what is coming from our [gut], and so from that you can see what sort of bacteria are in there and also what sort of products these bacteria are producing. When you start comparing people's poo, you get an understanding of what variations there are between people, which can be important for looking at diseases like IBD.”

According to Patrick, “diet and lifestyle influence gut bacteria”, which in turn are “unbelievably influential on inflammation in your body, and have direct links to immunity and protection”. He referenced a field called psychobiotics, which studies By Fox Meyer collecting real poo is “something that is necessary for this research, so you gotta find any way you can to try to make participants feel as comfortable as they can about it.”

At least take me out on a date first… the relationship between your gut biome and your mood. “The vagus nerve”, he explained, “is the connection between your brain and your tummy. There’s a lot of research that shows a strong link between the bacteria in your gut [and your mood].”

Apparently, her manager responded with something along the lines of: “Purple Gs? I didn't know they were still around.” Angus said that that was “pretty gutting for us to Whilehear”. the future looks grim, not all hope is lost – and just like any good environmental action, every little bit helps. According to Angus: “I think it would be unrealistic to encourage students to purchase Purple Gs as their primary drink of choice. [The solution] would be to just be a bit more thoughtful and contribute to supporting them every once and a while. Even just once a month.” Rico added that “even if your average student drank Purple Gs just once a semester, that would greatly, greatly benefit the survival of our Purple So,Goanna.”toallwould-be

Conservation Heroes Buy 40 Boxes of Purple Gs

conservationists out there, Angus had one final piece of advice: while the drink may go in purple and come out green, there’s no need to be afraid. “Don't fear the green too much. It's worse than it sounds– Oh, no, haha,” before quickly checking himself. “I mean: it’s not as bad as it sounds.”

Once widespread across Ōtepoti, their declining population can now only be found in a small corner of Super Liquor. Struggling to find them on the shelves at Leith Liquor, they asked a friend who works there to enquire with her manager. Critic Editor // critic@critic.co.nz

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This week, we got a Snapchat of some local conservationists supporting the endangered Purple Goanna. We reached out to these intrepid environmentalists to see what inspired them to make such big sacrifices for such little reptiles. When we asked Rico, Angus and Ben how many boxes of Purple Gs they’ve been through, they breezily responded: “How many this year, or how many this weekend?”. At that point, we knew we were off to a good start. The boys polished off eight boxes in the last week, bringing their grand total for the year to just shy of 40. That’s one hell of a conservation effort. Angus, an outspoken Purple G advocate, said that the title of “conservationist” was pretty fitting for their efforts, “but I think my conservation beliefs extend only to the Purple Goanna. I’m not passionate about conservation, I'm passionate about Purple PurpleGs.” Gs have been disappearing off shelves for a while, a trend noticed by the boys. They suspected it came down to a “stigma” surrounding the drink. “It’s the judgemental glances. When you're walking out of the liquor store, you just see people look twice and you get a little shake of By Fox Meyer

Calls for students to support a declining but iconic species the head. Or sometimes you're drinking and you park up, and people look at you as if you’re almost, like, committing selfharm or something, because they think so little of the Purple G.” Rico told us that “Sometimes you get asked if you're alright, or something, like, ‘Why are you doing that to yourself?’”. According to these passionate conservationists, erasing this stigma is the first step towards bringing back the Purple Gangsta. While part of the Purple Goanna’s population decline was attributed to stigma, the experts also noted the threat of invasive species, encroaching on what was traditionally Purple G’s exclusive territory. According to Angus: “The market’s overwhelmed with these sort of shitty, recycle-the-same-flavour RTDs. These big brands keep coming out with the same drinks, and they're all the same. Purple Gs are different, but they’ve been pushed out of this niche.”

Full disclosure: Denzel is a member of Simplicity, who funded and sponsored Money Made Simple. A mysterious money-management book, sponsored by a KiwiSaver provider, is being given away with every purchase at the University Bookshop (UBS). Critic Te Ārohi decided to investigate, primarily because like most students, we’re suckers for free Thisstuff.month, UBS are giving out a free book with every purchase. The little, bright orange volume, called “Money Made Simple,” calls itself a guide to “managing your money”. The blurb sells the book as revealing “three simple truths and eight golden rules which will help you take control of your finances and your future.” These rules include paying off debts quickly, “investing in education,” buying a house (rip), getting into KiwiSaver and investing in “passive, diversified funds”. Of course, nothing good in life really comes for free. The book giveaway was funded by Simplicity, a KiwiSaver and investment funds provider, and written by its managing director Sam Stubbs. The book’s colour scheme and fonts match those of Simplicity, and some of its advice, especially getting into KiwiSaver early and choosing low-fee, diversified, passive By Denzel Chung the bright orange display on the counter saying: “The Best $10 You’ll Never Spend.”

Sam told Critic Te Ārohi that the book was a “joint promotional initiative” between Simplicity (who paid for printing) and publisher Potton & Burton (who paid for publishing). The book was the idea of Robbie Burton, co-owner of Potton & Burton, who attended a presentation run by Simplicity and “thought we de-mystified concepts to do with money well”, according to Sam. As to why they’re giving the book away, Sam says that it’s “in the spirit of our business as a not-for-profit social enterprise, 100% owned by a charity”. Sam admitted that using bookshops was “unusual for sure,” but said that Simplicity did it “to both support bookstores during a traditionally very quiet month, and also make it available to our members and the public in a manner that would help educate them and their whānau.”

Students we talked to mostly seemed unaware of the giveaway. When Critic Te Ārohi visited the UBS on the Museum Lawn one afternoon, most customers seemed to be using the store to post parcels or top up their Bee Cards. The few who did buy books seemed to have little idea that the giveaway was even taking place, despite News Editor // news@critic.co.nz

Sponsored Money Management Book Given Away By UBS

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There was only one book left on the table, though. UBS’ General Manager Philippa Henshaw says that overall, the giveaway has been rather successful. She told us: “Students have been very happy to be offered the book. A tiny handful have politely and jovially declined it for various reasons including that they have no money to manage, or have enough to read without adding that to the reading list.” Both highly relatable reasons. She added, however, that UBS were not being paid to give the book away. “It is purely a promotional initiative between the author and publisher to have the book given away by bookshops nationwide.”

If only students actually had money to manage investment funds, seem to fit suspiciously well with Simplicity’s product offerings.

Asked about conflicts of interest, Sam told Critic Te Ārohi that “financial services providers distribute educational material all the time. We were also careful not to reference any Simplicity products in the book”. The book also features Simplicity’s logo on the inside cover, and mentions several times that this book was funded by Simplicity. Sponsored or not, anything that can replace breathas mansplaining investment strategy at parties is a godsend in Critic’s eyes.

It was a dark and stormy night, but the Re-O parties were in full swing. DnB raged, bottles were smashed back, students galloped around North D, fuelled by alcohol and a desperation for good (or at least numbing) times. A familiar story. That is, until one visitor from “up north” changed everything. Armed with nothing but spray paint and a huge cone, our mysterious culprit was unleashed to wreak mayhem on flat walls. We know him as the Castle tagger. At home, he goes by “Rad Tad”. “I was a sick cunt as a kid, so cunts would say ‘fuck you’re radical,’” said Rad Tad. And just to clarify: “It’s ‘Tad’ like ‘tadpole’, but without the ‘-pole’ because I’m not a stripper.” A perfect name to accompany the perfect crime. At home, Rad Tad is a “fucking celebrity”. Despite being used to the spotlight, though, tagging Castle flats seems to have exposed him to a little more attention than he’s normally used to. According to Rad, he was “flustered” to learn of the effect his antics had on Castle Accordingresidents.

to our culprit’s recollection, it all started at 601 Castle St. “After snapping a flower of a cone, I soon became overwhelmed with visions and frequencies. I sort of got this vision, and I felt like I just needed to make it aware to everyone else around me.” Just like the prophets of old, whenever Rad Tad gets a calling, he has no choice but to answer. “I thought, I haven’t By Anna Robertshawe had, it’s given everyone something to talk about. Otherwise, it's the same DnB every year that everyone pretends to like just to fit in.” A bold statement from a bold artist. Perhaps the residents of Castle should be thankful to have a fresh drop of culture, standing out like a Neuron in the murky waters of the Leith. While some may view his endeavours as a crime, he insists that it isn’t vandalism. “I give you something to look at and think about and wonder. It is a mystery. It’s art, that is all.” However, Rad Tad was keen to clear up one thing: there was no gang affiliation attached to his artwork. “I heard some rumours about it, that girls thought it was a gang thing, like marking flats. But it is far from that. It was just a form of art I was expressing.”

The vision seemed familiar to Rad; he had seen it in his dreams. “It was like my purpose, almost spiritual. It was definitely not something my own mind came up with. It came to me like a frequency, or a message from somewhere in the galaxy.”

The Untold Story of the Mysterious Castle Street Tagger

come all the way to Re-O Week to put shoes on centipedes or hats on pigeons. Men used to go to war, and now they buy blueberry flavoured vapes. It’s time I liberate Dunedin with this spirit inside me.”

When asked if he thought there would be copy-cats who would try to follow in his footsteps, Rad Tad was sceptical. “They can try. I can see people trying to copy my form, but my art is original.” However, he did acknowledge the existence of a tagger, who perhaps Rad sees as a worthy successor. “I’d like to make a shoutout to Ttoxx. He’s started popping up with his things.” Genius is not infectious, but it seems creative inspiration is. Rad Tad was unaware of how much his art would impact the residents of North Dunedin. “I quite like the cultural impact it’s Contributor // critic@critic.co.nz

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Is it art? Is it a crime? We delve into the mind of Castle’s most mysterious culprit

Even after our far-reaching interview, Rad Tad’s story remains shrouded in mystery. Where did he come from? Where will he go? Does he have cotton eyes, and does his name rhyme with Poe? We may never get answers to these questions, but regardless, he is destined to live on in Castle’s culture; whether in oral tradition (“Hey bro did you hear…”), in drinking songs, or in Snapchat screenshots, lest we forget that fateful night on Re-O week. As a form of respect, Critic Te Ārohi decided to leave the last word to our mysterious tagger: “Coincidences are just God’s form of art, and this is mine.”

Of course, of all the great artists across the centuries, none have been sober. Van Gogh, Michelangelo, Pollock: they all relied on the devil’s drink to ignite the creativity within. Clearly, Rad Tad understands the importance of following in the footsteps of our idols. “I can’t remember the night, I was off me fucking chop.”

Did Weet-Bix’s Stat Attacks Cause the All Blacks To Sink or Swim? Shoppers were surprised and likely bemused to find Weet-Bix had released a new edition of their infamous Stat Attacks cards in the middle of July: timed perfectly to coincide with the All Blacks’ epic losing streak. For those who have only ever felt the stale, joyless sensation of off-brand “wheat biscuits,” Stat Attacks are little pieces of cardboard depicting All Blacks past and present. They feature statistics such as height, test caps, and most importantly, the number of Weet-Bix each player can ostensibly plough through (shoutout to the mighty Karl Tu’inukuafe, who manages to regularly consume 12 in a sitting). A standard 1.2kg box of Weet-Bix usually contains three or four cards. Depending on your luck, these could either be current All Blacks, one of five “Legends of the Game,” or the coveted Richie McCaw gold card (which is likely worth more than a lecturer’s salary). While releasing anything slapped with the All Blacks logo seems to be a licence to print money in Aotearoa, the fact that these cards were released in the midst of the All Blacks’ worst losing streak since 1998 seemed like a ballsy move by the marketing gurus at Sanitarium. By Hugh Askerud To gauge the nature of this unique relationship, Critic Te Ārohi took to the streets, asking unsuspecting students their opinions on the All Blacks, Weet-Bix and their motu (all the same thing, really). Zac and John both claimed they didn’t really keep up with the All Blacks, despite harbouring suspiciously impressive WeetBix Stat Attacks collections. When pressed on their knowledge of the Weet-Bix/All Blacks nexus, John gave a sly nod, telling us: “I’ve been reading about this sort of thing.” While it’s uncertain whether John was referring to Weet-Bix or crazed conspiracy-theorist reporters, both suggested they would be buying more Weet-Bix after the great win over South Africa. Narayan, another student, told Critic Te Ārohi that “This sort of thing is so common in sport, big brands pretty much dictate what these teams do.” He then suggested that the game was effectively rigged from the start just to improve Weet-Bix sales. Whatever you believe about this unique coincidence, we can all appreciate the monumental win at Ellis Park on Sunday morning, and we can all appreciate the All Blacks who achieved this feat. And what better way to do that than by buying Sanitarium Weet-Bix®? Right? Will they pay the price for their roll of the dice? Maybe it was a strategy to inspire national patriotism and rally downtrodden All Blacks fans. Or perhaps it was just an infamously big cock-up, one which could be seen by historians as the first step in Sanitarium’s ignominious collapse? With the cards already printed and sitting snugly between bricks of whole wheat, whether they would become a hot commodity or under-sized, uncomfortable bits of toilet paper would lie on the broad, muscle-bound shoulders of our national rugby team. Against all (TAB) odds, in their first game since Weet-Bix’s new Stat Attack cards became available across Ōtepoti’s supermarkets, the All Blacks managed to snag a 35-23 win over South Africa at Ellis Park. Was it the work of a tenacious defence, combined with a spark of Richie Mo’unga magic? Was it a crippling fear of letting down Aotearoa’s favourite churchowned breakfast food manufacturer, and the likely eternal damnation that could follow? Did Sanitarium add a little something into their Weet-Bix that morning? Regardless, there’s a certain beauty in how all these factors led to such a memorable moment in New Zealand rugby history.

Contributor // critic@critic.co.nz

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Fuelled by a growing awareness of the climate crisis, there have been increasingly vocal calls to develop passenger rail in Aotearoa led by lobby groups like Save Our Trains NZ. After putting mahi into upgrading Aotearoa’s largely centuryold rail network and increasing public transport funding, the Government has now focused its attention on passenger rail, and whether it could play a larger role in our transport future. The inquiry is taking a deep-dive into past and existing passenger rail services, their funding and management, and looking at towns and cities which could potentially benefit from getting rails laid right through them. By Keegan Wells passenger rail, which would be in line with Aotearoa’s Emissions Reduction Plan. Currently, 37% of an average individual’s carbon footprint in Aotearoa comes from transport, with most coming from private vehicles or air travel. As a bonus, with fewer cars on the road, anyone who still needs to drive will find clearer, safer highways ahead of them. KiwiRail estimates that having a rail network already means there are already 24,000 fewer trucks on Aotearoa’s roads than there otherwise would be. If you want to have your say on the idea of inter-regional passenger trains, submissions are due on Thursday October 6th on the Parliament website. And if the prospect of a huge, steaming locomotive bussin’ through a town near you doesn’t fire you up enough, think about it like a sexier version of the trolley problem: if you do nothing, someone stays tied up on the congested, polluted highway. If you write a submission, you could have more of a chance to tie someone up in an exotic locale. You could even get railed onboard the rails. Think about it.

Nothing makes us more horny than public transport

Currently, it’s almost impossible for train lovers to get themselves railed into another city, unless you’re wanting to escape Aotearoa’s capitals of gonorrhoea (Kirikiriroa Hamilton) or mediocrity (Papaioea Palmerston North). For anyone who has the unique blessing of not living in those cities, your only way to skip town is to drive, get bussin’ or join the milehigh club. With monopolies (or, if you’re lucky, oligopolies) largely controlling those industries, you’re more often than not getting well and truly shafted for the privilege. There is hope that a passenger rail network could make travelling between cities much more accessible and affordable. One planning student told us that they were “out here poppin’ my bussy at work to afford inter-regional travel, so trains would slap”. As well as economic benefits, the inquiry also highlighted climate and emissions reduction possibilities from growing Staff Writer // keegan@critic.co.nz

(Inter-regional) Rail Me Daddy

The growth of passenger rail would also have large implications for those who cannot afford to have their own transport.

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The Government’s Transport and Infrastructure Committee has opened an inquiry into “the future of inter-regional passenger rail in Aotearoa”, hoping to investigate whether trains could play a bigger role in intercity transport. And yes, this means a debauched winter booze train from Ōtepoti to Tāhuna Queenstown could be on the cards.

Students sick of society still stalling on intentional:sustainability“Iamstriking because I am sick of councillors and the council talking big about all of the climate action that they believe in, but not implementing any legislation that will improve sustainability in our city, or benefit those most affected by climate change.”

Almost a year and a half after their last swathe of nationwide protests, the “School Strike 4 Climate” (SS4C) is planning to return to Aotearoa on September 23. Organisers hope that this will be “the biggest climate strike mobilisation in Aotearoa to this day”. On August 17, School Strike 4 Climate Ōtautahi (Christchurch) issued a press release calling for students nationwide to join their latest “intergenerational climate strike”. Slated to be the first nationwide climate strike since the SS4C protests in April 2021, the protest is scheduled to go ahead on Friday September 23. This is designed to dovetail with a global day of strike action by Fridays For Future, the global environmental activist movement spearheaded by Swedish activist Greta TheThunberg.scheduled date would put it in the middle of the voting period for local body elections (16 September to 8 October). According to Aurora-Garner Randolph, of SS4C Ōtautahi, this timing was very much By Denzel Chung Wellington, have announced protest action for that same day. According to a press release, their focus will be on protesting the use of synthetic nitrogen fertilisers, which organiser Izzy Cook called “the real climate killer in New Zealand”. Other announcements from local groups are expected to be made closer to time.

At least one other group, SS4C Pōneke

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School Strike 4 Climate Slated for September

Politically, Ōtepoti could be considered more environmentally conscious than your average city in Aotearoa, with a Green Party mayor and some of the highest Green Party votes anywhere in the motu. In the 2020 general election, the Greens received 17.8% of the party vote in Dunedin, more than double their national party vote of 7.8%. The only electorates where they received a higher percentage of votes were in central Wellington (Wellington Central and Rongotai) and central Auckland (Mount Albert and Auckland Central). In fact, if national elections were based on this year’s Critic Te Ārohi Census of Otago Uni students, the Greens would be ruling Aotearoa as their personal fiefdom: they received a whopping 49.4% of the popular vote.

News Editor // news@critic.co.nz

Unlike the previous SS4C protests, which were coordinated across the motu (country), this round of protests are most likely going to be organised separately, by independent local groups. Despite this, the Ōtautahi-based organisers are hopeful for a nationwide response. “With students now putting the call out to adults too, it is highly likely that [this year] will see the biggest climate strike mobilisation in Aotearoa to this day”. An estimated 170,000 joined the SS4C protests in September 2019 (3.5% of the population), which made it the largest in the world by per-capita turnout. It was estimated that 38,000 protesters attended the SS4C protests last year, with Critic Te Ārohi estimating 1,500 of them in Ōtepoti.

While most of the proposals seem more sensible than sticking to a “one bottle between two” BYO limit, some more unhinged last-minute additions were snuck through. Some of these proposals include “that OUSA should hire a private investigator to investigate the fire at Taj Mahal,” and that “the University should replace the Clocktower’s chime with a drum and bass drop.” Also on the list were motions to make OUSA “lobby to reopen the Union Grill (Café)”, and that “Radio One should have an open-mic karaoke hour once per week.” Just to clarify, these are real motions, and will be legitimately voted on by students. By Fox Meyer & Zak Rudin sunshine which are so special in Dunedin”. However, Nancy pointed out the “logistical challenge” of cancelling all classes in one day; for instance, how students will be able to catch up to what they’ve missed, and whose job that becomes. As well as that, they were concerned that certain papers which emphasise “hands-on learning” would find such a hands-off approach more difficult. Cal said a “bus [trip] to the beach would be great!”, adding they “could link up with the Sustainability Club to organise a biking group too”. Deborah was more sceptical of the proposal, though, saying: “It sounds nice in theory, but in reality people can just do that anyway without needing to cancel classes.”

Perhaps the most interesting motion was the proposal that the OUSA President can call the “First Nice Day” of the spring semester. This would give her the power to cancel all classes for that day and bus students to the beach instead, which could give students steeped in the Otago tradition of seasonal depression the chance to enjoy a bit of sunshine instead.

Last-Minute Motions Added to OUSA Ballot

The AGM is set to be held on Tuesday, August 23, at 1pm in the Main Common Room. OUSA encourages students to attend to fill the required quota of 105 people, and maybe also for democracy, or something. By the way: a majority voting in favour of these proposals means they have to be abided by OUSA.

Critic Editor // Chief Reporter

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The upcoming OUSA Annual General Meeting looks to be a serious and no-nonsense event, not to be missed by anyone passionate about student governance and bureaucratic procedure. Current proposals slated for inclusion include investigating the Taj Mahal fire, extending breaks for students, mandating mask wearing, and strengthening tenancy laws for students.

Just saying: you don't need many student voters for these motions to pass

One professor, Nancy Longnecker of Science Communication, told Critic Te Ārohi that they’re “all for enjoying those rays of

One student, Cal, said the proposals were “great”, before suggesting two proposals of his own: that the default font in Blackboard be changed to Comic Sans, and that “Examplify [should] watch the lecturers instead of the students”. Unfortunately, OUSA did not take on many of Critic Te Ārohi’s suggestions, which included mandatory rabies tests exclusively for the Otago Uni Canoeing Club, and designating a “public urination safe space” on campus. We, for one, won’t forget the silencing of our democratic rights.

A candidate for the Dunedin City Council (DCC) is running as an “independent pro-freedom Jedi warrior”. Despite the candidate’s controversial political views, the Chief Jedi of Aotearoa seems to have given his blessing to the move.

Controversial Dunedin City Councillor Cleared to Run As “Jedi”

While he said that he would “like to offer some comments, I know a percentage of members will disagree”. However, despite his silence, he emphasised: “One hard stipulation for Jedi requirement is belief in Democracy. Jedi believe democracy is the best method for achieving a just result. The voters will decide.” For what it’s worth, if the Empire is the one advocating climatepositive policies for a carbon-zero future, Critic Te Ārohi will be casting our ballots for the Dark Side. Bring on Mayor Vader. Climate scepticism, Yoda endorses. Cancelled, the Force shall be local body elections.” He said that his Jedi training “a long time ago, I completed, in a galaxy far, far away”. The Jedi affiliation was not something that should be taken too seriously, added Moncrief-Spittle: “It is meant to be humorous. I think humour is something the DCC could use more of.”

However, despite the fun affiliation, Moncrief-Spittle has also courted controversy on multiple occasions in the past, from endorsing “climate-change sceptic” views when he last ran in 2019, to his involvement with alt-right connected groups like the Freedom and Rights Coalition, and Counterspin Media. The Otago Daily Times reported in July that he was involved in an altercation with anti-fascist activist Sina Brown-Davis, her husband, and local activist Jack Brazil. That didn’t sound very Jedi-like to Critic Te Ārohi, so we reached out to the Jedi Society of New Zealand to gauge their opinion. If you’re curious, they are real, and open to members at nzjedi.org.

News Editor // news@critic.co.nz

Malcolm Moncrief-Spittle, owner of online bookstore Renaissance Books, is also one of 39 candidates hoping to snag a spot as a DCC councillor at this year’s local elections. He is, notably, the only candidate to publicly affiliate as a Jedi. This is despite the 2018 census showing there are around 20,000 Jedi in Aotearoa, showing serious underrepresentation among our Forcewielding community.

Moncrief-Spittle told Critic Te Ārohi that he was running as a Jedi to “Bring peace and justice to all the galaxy, this is the Jedi way,” adding: “There is a disturbance in the force. Time it is now for Jedi to return. In everything the force is, even in

By Denzel Chung

Chief Jedi of the Council of the Jedi Society, Anthony Bremmer, told Critic Te Ārohi that it was “appropriate” for politicians to run as Jedi, saying that “Many candidates stand based on their religious beliefs… To suggest not being able to do this is wrong.” When pressed about MoncriefSpittle’s position or viewpoints, Anthony said “This is more problematic as we don’t tend to make decisions on such things, but then organisations don’t tend to either.”

Registrations open from 15th August to 29th August 2022 For more: r1.co.nz/www

In response to complaints from Dunedin residents about noise at student parties, police in the city have adopted a new, more conservative approach, involving specialised officers and increased surveillance of student housing areas. Education Minister Hekia Parata announced the new measures on Sunday. "We do want to make sure students are in their own space, safe from the abuse and threats from other members of the community," she told the NZ Herald. "We're simply saying ... let's work together as community leaders and police and University leaders and student leaders and make sure we don't have tragic deaths like in the past." It comes amid mounting concern from some residents, who argue the 1,000 uni students who live in the city's southside are simply too loud and that the University of Otago has an inadequate response to the problem. Roz Jennings, the chairwoman of the city's South Dunedin Residents Association, said last week that "these Universities should not be having parties on the weekend. You can't go to BNZ sports day, for example, and not have the sound system turned up for several hours," she told the Otago Daily Times. In an interview with the Otago Daily Times, Mr Milliken acknowledged that their new campaign could increase friction between police and students. He said police were able to monitor the timing of events and police officers on foot patrols would be in the areas where they thought students would Onebe. student interviewed thought that the campaign could be seen as an infringement on students' freedom. "There's a huge pressure put on students to be a good citizen... you'd think that anyone under the age of consent would have the maturity to know not to accept free drinks," one 22-year-old told the Otago Daily Times. "If I were an 18-year-old I would see it as getting a free drink - however, there is a lot of pressure put on us to look good." However, many students welcomed the new measures, saying they would be more sensible than introducing a curfew on students. The changes had been "a long time coming" and were a sign of the community's genuine desire to improve student life, one 21-year-old student told the Otago Daily Times. "There has been a culture that has been prevalent for quite a long time ... and it's really nice to see that change. "But what can be done to stop the fact that we are going to continue to have all these Studentsparties?"have commented that Dunedin's nightclubs are on the upper end of New Zealand's bar culture. Byerley's bar, an institution in Dunedin since 1929, is a popular venue among University students. Kama Restaurant & Bar, run by the Greek Orthodox Church, is a popular location for parties. A popular club night called DiscoBubble is held every Saturday night in the basement of Koru Lounge in the student precinct of Upper Stuart St.

14 Nominations Open: Open 9am 12 September and close 4pm 14 September

AI Tribune

Police Respond to Dunedin Residents’ Complaints About Noise By Nik Ferit Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional and was written by AI.

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For more – bit.ly/ousaexec Advocate for your peers, and make change happen! Get great paid work experience.

missus. A more casual term for

Bula HelloVinaka!andwelcome to Semester 2. A special welcome to our international postgraduate cohort who were unable to attend campus due to travel restrictions. We have been able to host a number of successful events through the Otago Postgraduate Association including cheese and wine, monthly social events, photo shoots, and writing sessions. A lot of work has also been put into advocating for the students on various issues and suggestions. Particular emphasis was placed on flexibility regarding Pūtea Tautoko funds for students who are directly or indirectly affected. Additionally, through the newly formed Postgraduate Scholarships Strategy Working Group (PSSWG), we intend to continue to advocate for a revision of the scholarship stipends for next year due to the rising cost of living in New Zealand. This semester, we have a couple of ongoing projects such as plans towards Net Carbon Zero by 2030. Our university is committed to achieving Net Carbon Zero status by 2030 by reducing greenhouse gas emissions by more than half. We intend to advocate for climate action in our postgraduate community as it is one of the most impactful ways to make a difference. Also, more events are being planned for postgraduates to get support, relax, and have fun. contact me at postgrad@ousa.org.nz or otagopostgrad@gmail.com if have any questions. RepresentativePostgraduateChandStudents’ Chand banned from Dunedin News. mate hitting up ex CBT.

18NEWSKARERE ODT Watch I got

My editor deleting my cum jokes. New Tinder bio. Barefoot breathas at New World Gardens. Your

The BA girls ain't shit, bud. Landlord found my weed lamps. What he says while fucking your thigh crease. PSA for the ladies... Wholesome feet pic seller :) 20NEWSKARERE

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16 ACROSS: 1. 1st rock from the sun (7) 5. Good spot for crowd surfing (7) 9. Aang controls them, OR, a hint to the highlighted clues (8) 10. Policeman, informally (6) 12. Vows at weddings (4) 13. Lennon tune (7) 15. Camp Half Blood author (7) 17. Godlessness (7) 20. Viking paddle (3) 21. They're in the middle of highways (7) 23. 31st New Zealand PM (7) 25. Superman killer, with -ite (7) 27. Romantic hangout (4) 29. American 5-cent piece (6) 30. Fender bender (8) 31. Stiff examination? (7) 32. Fast time (7) WORD LADDER SOLUTION: WEED-WEND-BEND-BOND-BONG 6–15 good / 16–20 great WEEK 19 CROSSWORD ANSWERS ACROSS: 1. SNOOTY 5. ASHLEY 9. ACC 11. MOMAGER 12. NAVIDAD 13. DESIST 15. GNOMES 16. RPM 17. EAST 21. ICON 23. KIDNEYS 24. GLUG 26. RATS 30. ESC 32. LES MIS 33. FIESTA 36. ARAL SEA 37. ATHEIST 38. SAW 39. DE NADA 40. KINASE DOWN: 2. NEMESIS 3. ORGASM 4. YARD 5. ACNE 6. HAVANA 7. ENDEMIC 8. SMUDGE 10. ODDS ON 14. SPANISH 18. ACL 19. GIN 20. NYC 22. ODT 24. GILDED 25. UPSTAGE 27. AUSSIES 28. SHANTY 29. SIESTA 31. LICHEN 34. CASA 35. GAWK WORD WHEEL BROUGHT TO YOU BY CAFFEINATEDKEEPINGMAZAGRANCRITIC CROSSWORD WORD LADDER PUZZLES DOWN: 1. Powerful whirlpool (9) 2. Smell terribly (4) 3. Overturned (7) 4. Abominable snowmen 6.(5)A cow would have 4 (7) 7. Something the Kardashians think will solve police brutality (5) 8. To the point (5) 11. Remove weapons from (6) 14. Chet Faker song with rollerskating video (4) 16. Snooping (6) 18. Mike Tyson's ring name (4) 19. Cocktail (9) 22. Belgian port (7) 24. Track 5 off Nirvana's Nevermind (7) 25. Nairobi's nation (5) 26. Luxury boat (5) 27. Interior design (5) 28. Starring role (4) Make as many words as you can using the central letter and without repeating any letters. Crossword note: We aren't including in the clues whether the answers are multiple words anymore. Change one word into another by only changing one letter at a time. The shortest solution should fit between the rungs of the word ladder. NEWSFAKEU R T P E MS O C

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ROBOTICSNEURALNETWORKMACHINELOGICLEARNINGDEEPBLUETURING sudokuoftheday.comSUDOKU WORDFIND SPOT THE DIFFERENCE There are 10 differences between these images.

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ANDLIONS,OHWHY?TIGERSBEARS,BYRUBYWERRYAHISTORYOFACCLIMATISATIONSOCIETIESINAOTEAROA

In an alternate reality, flocks of emu can be seen on the Otago Peninsula. Breathas are regularly in the ER after getting into fist fights with kangaroos on a night out. The Otago University Tramping Club has to brief their members on the dangers of bear and wolf attacks before any trip.

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For plenty of settlers, the absence of familiar wildlife meant a lack of appreciation and respect for the evolutionarily unique and incredible aspects of the native nature surrounding them. Ignoring the kōaro, inanga, tuna (eel), and kokopu caught by tangata whenua, European settlers were disappointed that there were no easily caught freshwater fish that met their expectations. “Just as New Zealand forests are destitute of game, so are its rivers destitute of fish… they boast no single fish worth the angler's catching,” said one colonist. Without any large mammals, settlers felt the same about their hunting prospects too. Acclimatisation societies were set up in the 1860s to actively introduce foreign species to New Zealand with the hope they would ‘acclimate’ to new homes alongside settlers, providing familiar species for settlers to hunt and fish. Popping up all over New Zealand, these societies were more popular and prolific than smallpox in early 19th and 20th century settler societies. They were voluntary organisations and they received money from the government to support their efforts. Otago’s Acclimatisation Society, established in 1864, received £500 per year (roughly $40,000 today) from the Otago provincial government to introduce familiar British species, particularly small birds like sparrows and chaffinches, which remain common on campus trees today.

While many pest species ended up in Aotearoa by stowing away on ships, some came from deliberate introductions by groups known as acclimatisation societies. Many of these introductions are still around, but many more failed – some of which it’s hard to imagine running wild in Aotearoa today.

Some of the animals brought over by your colonist grandad did well. So well, in fact, that they choked up streams, destroyed landscapes, and out-competed native species to near extinction – damaging food sources that Māori had relied on for centuries in the process. But some animals did so terribly it’s almost comical, like watching someone attempt a parkour jump and tripping over before they even begin. Take kangaroos, for example.

A year later, Mr. Clifford (manager of the Otago Acclimatisation Society) went on a trip to Tasmania where it was reported he brought back, along with 2,600 trout eggs for various South Island acclimatisation societies, “a tame Kangaroo”. Just the one, for some reason. Obviously, none of these attempts of introducing kangaroos were successful in the long run. Dunedin’s streets aren’t overrun with kangaroos bounding over broken glass or kicking over bins. Pour one out for all the kangaroos lost during this hopping-mad effort. As unhinged as Mr. Clifford and his kangaroos seemed, some of the other acclimatisation societies around the country were even more feral. Sir George Grey, Governor and later Premier of New Zealand, was a bit of an acclimatisation stan himself and managed to bring two zebra over through the Auckland Acclimatisation Society. He also tried to bring in antelopes, monkeys, gnu, emus, kookaburras, and yes – kangaroos. He succeeded in bringing wallabies across from Australia, which today are an increasing pest in many regions of New FurtherZealand.south, the Canterbury Acclimatisation Society had a Californian bear for a while, and they attempted to bring in an African lion. However, like the kangaroo, we do not have bears, lions or zebras kicking around town (probably for the best). Acclimatisation societies often bit off more than they could chew, with a submission to import wolves thankfully being denied.

The idea of a peaceful hike in the bush being interrupted by a kangaroo seems far-fetched in Dunedin, but for the acclimatisation societies, it would have been possible if they tried hard enough. In 1868 the Otago Daily Times documented the Otago Acclimatisation Societies latest animal drop from their annual meeting: “The following stock is now on the grounds of the Society: Axis deer, Kangaroo, Emus, Black Swans, English Wild Duck, Paradise Duck…” The list continued. For better or worse, kangaroos did not find a way to flourish in Otago. Eight months later, in December 1868, the ODT released another tragic kangaroo update: “The Manager reported the death of several of the young trout and of the old Kangaroo.” Although several words can be used to describe acclimatisation societies, ‘quitters’ isn’t one of them, with the very same article proclaiming a swap of quail to Port Molyneux, receiving “a kangaroo from Captain Brown, of the Annie Brown”, in exchange.

The Protection of Animals Act 1867 put in place rules for the acclimatisation societies around the country.

The success stories of the Otago Acclimatisation Society are not as funny as their failures, although they make up for it by being as ecologically devastating as possible. The sparrows and finches imported to take care of insects destroying grain would soon start a solo pest career of their own, but the pest that by far takes the hall of fame spot for “Terrible Decisions by The Acclimatisation Societies” is the European rabbit, originally introduced from Tasmania by the Otago

The legislation was designed to protect introduced game rather than native species, but in doing so it outlawed importing predators like foxes, venomous reptiles, hawks, and vultures – which would have been disastrous for native species had they been allowed to enter the country. (One Fox did make it through, and he edits this magazine, which is a disaster in and of itself.)

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Under these new laws, to register an Acclimatisation Society all you needed was three or more friends in the office of the Colonial Secretary of New Zealand and a little moolah, and you too could cause Godzilla levels of environmental damage! Section 6 of the act declared that if an acclimatisation society tossed animals into the bush for “the purpose of increase” then they had to publish which animals have been released in the newspaper “not less than twice in two successive weeks.” Animals for “the purpose of increase,” were often sourced from other colonies through species agreements, in addition to being shipped straight from Mother England. Those boat journeys were miserable and lethal enough for the humans who made them, so you can imagine one of the biggest problems was simply getting the animals to Aotearoa alive. Trading animals with acclimatisation societies in other British colonies was common practice. An 1872 issue of the New Zealand Herald reported that the Whanganui Acclimatisation Society had exported four kiwis to Australia, trading them with the Adelaide Acclimatisation Society for “some rooks [the crowlike bird that is now an agricultural pest in Aotearoa] in return”. In hindsight, it seems like a bit of a shit deal. Acclimatisation societies would also support the animals that made it to Aotearoa, to the annoyance of some. After settlers complained about blackbirds and thrushes destroying gardens, the Otago society responded in an 1882 edition of the Otago Witness, saying that “If our English birds develop such habits in this Colony, it should not be forgotten that they earn indulgence, for they must destroy an enormous quantity of grubs, caterpillars, and insects during that part of the year when no ripe fruit is obtainable.”

Acclimatisation Society in 1867 for hunting. After an initial struggle for establishment, rabbits realised they had no predators here and bred like, well, rabbits. It really only takes one person to believe in you, and the ground-breaking levels of economic and environmental harm you could cause. By the mid-1870s to 90s, the widespread devastation caused by rabbits would trigger soil erosion as they overgrazed vegetation cover in Central Otago, with the Upper Waitaki Valley and the McKenzie Country hit particularly hard. Otago pastoral stations lost 545,000 hectares of land due to the ‘Rabbit Plague’ in 1887. A pamphlet in Roxburgh described how four rabbits quickly turned into 40,000 (side note: this pamphlet also self-described Roxburgh as “a small town with little past and no future”. Oof.) Castle Rock Station in Northern Southland lost roughly £5,000 a year as rabbits devoured the countryside, starving out the sheep population. Natives species also suffered at the hands of the European rabbits, destroying the vegetation relied upon for food with devastating food chain effects. In recent years these cute critters continue to be an environmental plague, and the Otago Regional Council describes them as “the #1 pest in Otago”. The impact of European rabbits didn’t stop at petty crime like property damage either. Their run-on effects included the introduction of mustelids (stoats, ferrets, and weasels), which were meant to be the solution to rabbits, as their natural predators back in Europe. As early as 1879 governments, acclimatisation societies, and even private individuals were importing and breeding the creatures, tossing them out into the rabbit-ravaged wilderness, and praying. Like a landlord painting over mould with lead paint, the attempts to control rabbits with mustelids (or grain insects with sparrows) were unsuccessful as the mustelids quickly realised there were far tastier native birds and lizards to chow Musteliddown.introductions would prove to be the worst thing to happen to our native birds since they forgot how to fly. By 1910, several bird species had gone extinct due to predation and slow reproductive strategies, unable to survive these invasive species of mustelid. Stoats will kill everything in sight and save what they can’t eat for later. They can travel 70km in two weeks, and are in every type of forest, tussock, pasture or dune – the Terminator of introduced pests. All because someone in the Otago Acclimatisation Society thought it might be fun to hunt rabbits (Probably Jeremy. Fuck you Jeremy.) So, what about the extinction of these acclimatisation societies themselves? While acclimatisation societies faded in power in the last century, they never really went extinct but instead evolved into something distinctly different. The name ‘acclimatisation societies’ would remain for over 130 years, but the aim of these groups shifted from ecological imperialism to focusing on the protection, legislation and regulation of the animals present. After all, it took so much effort and money to get trout and salmon established in rivers, it made sense to protect and regulate the numbers Slowlywithin. but surely the focus of acclimatisation societies would shift towards conservation, and their original function was no more. Fish & Game were the successors, born from the final ashes of acclimatisation societies after a 1990 governmental review of game management reassigned these duties to the recently created Fish & Game Councils. They would no longer receive government funding, instead creating a profit from hunting and fishing licences. Fish & Game councils act in the interests of recreational anglers and hunters which often sees them campaigning alongside groups like Forest and Bird for the environment, pushing the government to act on the impacts of agriculture to freshwater ecosystems. Like Twilight and Kate Bush, the successors to acclimatisation societies have pulled off a reputational comeback, whether intentionally or not, but the impact many of these introductions had on the ecosystems of Aotearoa live on today. So remember, when your farmer’s market lettuce is too expensive because rabbits ate half the crops, or when you find a possum in your flat bathroom, you’ve got the acclimatisation societies to thank.

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“IT'S A MASSIVE, MASSIVE CONCERN.” ARONUI 20FEATURES

AI is getting better and better. It’s becoming more and more popular at the same time as online learning is booming in popularity. What's stopping students from using AI to do their assignments? Who would even be able to tell if they did? As AI continues to take over jobs, and as more and more of our everyday activities are becoming robotics-enabled, the question becomes how to regulate these advancements. How does this form of AI work? When did it get to the point where it can be used in everyday life? Are there regulations around the world for it? Does New Zealand?

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If you couldn’t tell, that paragraph was written by an AI. Given a small prompt and a handful of keywords, it was able to write that in a matter of milliseconds. AI has gotten to the point where it can be borderline real without much input from a human. In the words of one professor, “Believe me, it’s better than some of what my firstyears send across my desk.”

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There are many different text-generating AIs. One of the best ones uses Generative Pre-trained Transformer 3 (or GPT-3 for short) which basically reads a lot of reference material and then tries to mimic what it’s read (technically, it’s “an autoregressive language model that can create realistic human-like text using deep learning technology”). Developed by Musk-affiliated OpenAI and released in 2020, GPT-3 has four different model versions, with each one performing differently and set at a different price point. Each one can improve on or completely rewrite essays, paragraphs, prompts, emails or literally any other form of text you could think of. It can tweet, it can report, it can advertise. It’s shiny and scary on the surface, but it has plenty of flaws. It can’t really make jokes, it can’t cite articles, and it’s pretty useless with te reo. In fact, the one consistent theme in the story of AI-generated text is that the people on the outside are wowed while the people actually making the AI remain highly dubious. Such was the case with ELIZA, an early chatbot AI that ran from 1964 to 1966. Joseph Weizenbaum, the creator, said that “I had not realised ... that extremely short exposures to a relatively simple computer program could induce powerful delusional thinking in quite normal people,” but also went on to say, in 2010, that the only people who called ELIZA a “sensation” were the ones who fundamentally misunderstood its potential. Today, ELIZA has been joined by several digital comrades. They have different styles of coding, but each approach uses deep learning at its fundamental core. Deep learning is similar to the way humans learn; it discovers different links and structures in the data it's fed as reference material and forms a layered network to gain a “deep” understanding of the data. Each layer within the network could correspond with a different aspect of the received data, such as emotion or tone. This all builds up to the point where, in our example, the AI is able to imitate a human’s writing almost flawlessly. Absolutely nothing is stopping you from using AI to fully complete your assignments, or even just parts of them, so long as you don’t get caught. In fact, many students already are - even if they don’t realise it.

Grammarly is a favoured and respected piece of technology that helps all kinds of people complete their tasks, including students and their assessments. Grammarly doesn’t write text for you, but takes what you have written and improves on it slightly in a similar style and tone to help boost the piece's fluidity, engagement and general quality. It also checks grammar, punctuation, and spelling too. Grammarly is an AI, but it doesn’t feel like cheating in the way that a complete-creation AI does.

Some may argue that using an AI to directly complete a whole assessment is plagiarism, but most of the writing completed by AI is unique, so it does not actually get picked up by plagiarism software. It is not copy/ pasting. One professor said that “you won’t get dinged for plagiarism unless you were unlucky enough to have the AI generate something that just so happens to exist elsewhere - but you could get that unlucky just by writing it yourself. That already happens.” The professor also asked us to “please not give any of my students any ideas”. Oops. But a new AI, designed to recognize writing produced by other AI, is on the way. It’s a sort of AI-writing arms race. A tool called the Giant Language Model Test Room (GLTR) has been developed by Harvard University and MIT-IBM, and is used to identify text that has been generated by an AI. When writing something, a

Specific, writing-capable AI are already widespread online, even if you don’t notice them. The predictive text in your messenger app is an AI, as well as a lot of blog posts and social media advertisements. Many news organisations have used AI to write various different types of articles, including the Huffington Post, the L.A. Times, and The New Yorker. This system is called Automated Journalism, and it has become incredibly difficult to identify, even with a trained eye. It can do the same job cheaper, faster, and with less prejudice than a human, or at least that was the argument that an AI came up with to justify why Critic Te Ārohi should fire its human staff and subscribe to an Automated Journalism service.

Otago Uni currently has in place academic integrity policies that attempt to manage the ways assessments are completed, and maintain a standard that is accepted by the University. These policies may stop students from actively plagiarising, however, none of the policies directly mention the usage of AI. Nonetheless, Professor Helen Nicholson, Deputy Vice-Chancellor (Academic), said that AI-generated text would be regarded as cheating, “as we expect all work to be a student’s own.” Grammarly was a different story, as it “can only work with material which has already been written. AI text generators produce material for you, which is why their use is regarded as misconduct in an academic setting.”

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS STOPPING YOU FROM USING AI TO FULLY COMPLETE YOUR ASSIGNMENTS, OR EVEN JUST PARTS OF THEM, SO LONG AS YOU DON’T GET CAUGHT.

The pervasive theme throughout our interviews is that nobody knows what the hell is going on. Policy has lagged behind programming, and we’re still in the very early days of AI-generated content. When we asked Lech what the Uni could do to combat AI-generated answers, Lech said that at this point in time, “ I have no idea… we are sort of in the dark, we don't know what can be done [but] we can't ignore that this thing is out Whenthere.”we interviewed Professor Colin Gavaghan, in the law department, he said that he’d been playing around with this software himself. The question, in his eyes, had less to do with how we should police these activities, and more to do with how we might need to reshape our understanding of education. He fed the same AI one of his exam questions, thinking that while the AI might be able to master grammar and factoids, it wouldn’t be able to make a complex argument. “And I was quite alarmed when I read it,” he said, “[because] it was about as good as some of the ones I'm gonna actually be marking.”

Colin had debated with some of his mates that having students memorise tomes of law jargon was a waste of time, “because machines can already beat us at that, hands down.” What we needed to be doing, argued Colin, “is focusing on the skill of actually using it and applying it. And then you look at [the results it gave me] and you think: is even that now in the firing line?” Colin said that this concern is what he wanted to take to his own students, to ask “if an AI can generate that kind of text now, and it will get better in the future, is that even what we should be assessing students on for the future?”

AI writing has improved by leaps and bounds over the last few years, and Colin agreed that it will only continue to get better. It can already beat you at memorization, and recently it’s even started to outpace some weaker writers in terms of crafting an argument. It’s impossible to detect half of the time, even to a trained eye, and it flies under the radar of modern plagiarism software. “As educators,” said Colin, “we're gonna have to think about what we make of that, because if this is a skill that machines will be doing in 15 years, why are we bothering about testing our students on it now? Should we be looking for something else? And if so, what? I mean, it's a massive, massive concern.” TEST HOW GOOD THE AI IS, WE ACTUALLY HAD IT DESIGN ALL OF THE INTERVIEW QUESTIONS FOR THIS ARTICLE.

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To test how good the AI is, we actually had it design all of the interview questions for this article, including the ones sent to Helen Nicholson, who said “We also believe AI text generators are currently not sophisticated enough to produce work to the standard and style expected at a university level.” When we told her where they came from, she said “I’m not surprised the questions were generated by AI, but there is quite a bit of difference between questions from a reporter and a university assignment, so analysing their origin was not a priority.” Fair enough. We also gave this set of questions to Lech Syzmanski, a Computer Science lecturer focusing on mainly machine learning, as well as other Otago University students. The interviews went smoothly, but only Lech picked up on the possibility that the questions were synthetically generated: “Yeah,” he said, “not surprising.” Lech said that the danger “is that now, [there’s] a tool in our hands and there's no checks or balances if we’re to misuse it.” He said that his concerns were less about the authenticity of the writing, and more about if using an AI is detrimental to his students’ learning. “In some cases it could be useful, like if it’s someone whose first language is not English, or somebody who’s really good technically, but a little weaker in writing… in principle, I think it could be useful, but it's hard to see how at this point.”

human is able to intuitively know which word comes next in a sentence. An AI, however, strategically places words after one another in line with the data it has taken in from other writing sources. This means that an AI sentence would follow a specific pattern and thus be more predictable. Although it’s hard to spot, GLTR can attempt to identify these statistically-placed words and highlight them based on how likely they are to appear given the algorithm’s source code. Without GLTR, only half of the presented texts were identifiable as written by AI. With GLTR, 72% of the texts were identifiable. This technology was developed to help identify “fake news, bogus reviews, and phoney social accounts”, however, it could definitely be adapted to help universities deal with the inevitable rise in the usage of AI by students. This rise comes with ethical concerns about the value of a uni degree, which Helen echoed, saying “We all want an Otago degree to have value and mana. Every student who tries to cheat the process of gaining their degree is undermining their own degree as well as everyone else’s.”

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Christchurch has produced many good things over the years. It has also produced Michael James Pratt, a fugitive sex trafficker on the FBI’s most wanted list with a $50,000US bounty on his head. A database of coerced nude photos and videos collected by Michael and his team is at the core of the deepfake porn business, where anyone’s face, including your own, can be put on these women’s bodies. Michael moved to California in 2007 and started a porn business, one that landed his best mate in prison and traumatised hundreds of women over the course of a decade. His website, GirlsDoPorn (GDP), peddled videos of women coerced into sex acts, who were promised that the videos would remain private. They did not. The videos were heavily edited to remove any traces of coercion, and while the website was shut down in 2019, those videos are still being used to train artificial intelligence (AI) bots to generate synthetic porn. These algorithms are forcing a rethink of the way that we legislate pornography. Synthetic porn relies on deepfake technology, which operates a bit like a Snapchat filter. It’s how Disney put Princess Leia back in Star Wars, how Russian media concocts fake news clippings, and how anyone with access to your photos can put you in a porno. The technology has virtually exploded over the last five years, and as early as 2017, Reddit users were using it to create porn of whoever they liked. Its legal standing is still up in the air, but as of today, anyone with a few bucks can pay an app for custom-made, AI-rendered porn. Of anyone. Including you. Distributing that porn is another matter - but more on that later. In order to learn how to build a real-looking human, the AI first needs reference material. This is true for any AI. If you want an AI to draw a carrot, you first have to show it thousands of images of carrots. DALL·E Mini, the internet’s current favourite AI, gets its dataset by scouring the entire internet for everything matching “carrot”, and then using a second AI to stitch those images together into its best approximation of what it thinks a “carrot” is. If you typed in “naked woman in bed” in DALL·E, you’d get a Lovecraftian horror of a human body, because the AI is referencing the entire internet’s collection of “naked women in bed”, which is far too variable to yield a convincing result (we’ve included an example of this on the next page, which was not sourced from illegal porn). This is because human beings are much more complicated than a carrot. We have limbs and folds, and besides, the human brain is much better at noticing tiny abnormalities in a human face than an inanimate object (which is why the people in Polar Express looked so weird but the train and trees were fine). In some more high-performing, publicly available AIs, you can’t draw porn – you’ll get a content warning if you try. But if you look at all the other submissions people are trying to draw, you’ll see that people are trying to get around the filter by requesting images of scantily-clad anime characters, or celebrities in their underwear. But by and large, the AIs struggle to make a perfect human body. In the screenshot on the next page featuring Megan Fox, the user who requested the image actually had to specify that he wanted a “symmetrical face.” The AI just has too much data to pull from, and gets confused. So if you want a machine to learn how to render human beings, you need to give it the most precise dataset possible. You’d need to feed it thousands of photos of human bodies in various, but uniform, positions. You’d need a dataset like the ones found on GirlsDoPorn.

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CONTENT WARNING: Explicit discussion of sexual exploitation, rape

29 SEENAKEDYOUTHETERRIFYINGWORLDOFSYNTHETICPORNBYFOXMEYER

Michael, Matthew and a contracted-cock named Andre Garcia ran the GDP operation. Their business model was simple: they’d put out ads attracting girls aged 18-20 with the prospect of an allexpenses paid trip to San Diego for a modelling gig. Once in the hotel room, the boys would inform the model that it was actually a porn shoot. Court records show that they’d promise that the videos would remain in private collections, not to be distributed, and that the girls would be paid $5,000. Somewhere in these proceedings, their lawyer (who we can only assume is deaf) described how their “charming” Kiwi accent helped them coerce women.

The collection of smut films made by Michael for GDP were all filmed in a semi-uniform way, so when a Reddit user found this trove, alongside an also-illegal and remarkably-uniform database from Czech Casting, it seemed like the perfect training material to build a new, porn-centric deepfake AI. Czech Casting provided more images than GDP, and is arguably an even worse offender, but its videos are still available online. These images were downloaded for AI training before the GDP site was shut down, so the creator of the AI wasn’t aware they were illegal. But they are - and they’re still being used. The first results of this AI were very messy, and barely resembled human beings. But that was in 2017, and a lot has changed since then. Today, there are multiple deepfake porn AIs, which go beyond just photos: full-length videos of celebrities (or anyone with heaps of online material to reference) are readily available, possibly protected from the law by titles like “NOT Scarlett Johansen having a threesom” (the Google searches for this research, by the way, were genuinely awful. We’re probably on every watchlist from here to Canada, and we’ll let you know when the FBI comes knocking). But it’s not just celebrities; this software can take an image of your face, pick out focal points, and map a projection of your face onto another body. In some cases, this body is real, pulled from an existing porno. In other cases, the entire body is a fake, built by an algorithm trained to mimic human form and movement. It will match your skintone, your body type, and even your expressions. These algorithms rely on a massive database of real, human photos, which is where our scumbag Christchurch friend comes in.

To build this collection, Michael moved to California. He had had a stint of porn-making in Aotearoa, and was joined in 2011 by his mate Matthew Isaac Wolfe, who evidently was in Christchurch for the earthquake, said “fuck it” and gapped it overseas while his countrymen cleaned up the mess. During the first ten years, their company made 17 million US dollars by selling videos of women being coerced, drugged and raped. The pleas of victims to remove the videos were ignored by the company, and no action was taken by the law for a decade.

Warning: the content in the next paragraph is disturbing. It was all a lie. Many girls wanted to back out of the shoot, but were physically blocked from leaving. They were threatened with exposure online and with financial consequences. Once coerced into sex, often under the influence of drugs or alcohol, records state that many cried out for help, or begged to leave the room. Andre, the porn model, under the direction of Michael, would then proceed to rape them. All of this was recorded and published online, freely available to anyone with an internet connection, including a Reddit user by the name of u/GeneratedPorn. He took these videos, along with ones from Czech casting, and used them to train an AI. All of the images produced by this specific AI are based on videos of women being raped, and since the world of deepfake porn is so insular, it’s possible that others are still using the database.

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Samantha Cole, Senior Editor of Vice’s Motherboard, has covered this story extensively. Her list of publications includes wonderfully dystopian titles like “AI-Assisted Fake Porn Is Here and We’re All Fucked” and “It Takes 2 Clicks to Get From ‘Deep Tom Cruise’ to Vile Deepfake Porn”. She didn’t respond in time for this story, but her research goes deeper into this rabbithole than anyone’s. Samantha was in touch with the creator of the AI porn subreddit, who decided to shut down his project just one week before her extensive story on AI porn was published. Before he shut down the project, the user had been in touch with plenty of other people. He detailed the sites he used to source his training material, including the videos shot by our fuckhead friends from Christchurch (by the way, Michael, if you’re reading and you’re upset at the names we’ve called you, feel free to call or mail us. I’m sure the FBI would love to hear from you). We tried to dig up more info on Michael, by Facebook-stalking everyone we knew from Christchurch with the last name “Pratt”, but neglected to reach out to strangers asking if any of their relatives had recently been put on the FBI’s most wanted list for sex crimes. Something about that felt inappropriate. After the GDP site was shut down in 2019, and after Michael’s co-conspirators were arrested, AI porn really took off. And this brings us to today. Just last week (August 2022), while Matthew was being sentenced to 20 years in American prison and Michael remains on the run, a popular face swap app was creating AI renders of anyone a customer wanted. Based on its Reddit connections, it’s possible that this entire operation revolves around a dataset of women’s bodies collected - in part - by sex traffickers from Czech Casting and two Kiwis from Christchurch. Until the database used by this app is made public to prove if GDP content is in there, it is unknown if these renders are built upon the naked backs of traumatised women. And this app is still legal to download on the app store - the law hasn't caught up. But while the law has lagged, the coding has exploded. These images and videos are a far cry from the garbled mess of 2017; they have movement, they have sound, and they all have the potential to cast you as the star role. So what happens in that case? What happens when you open your phone to see yourself starring in synthetic porn? Critic Te Ārohi sat down with Professor Colin Gavaghan, who researches law and emerging technologies. Colin, with a very charming Glaswegian accent, gave us the good news: “If you found [porn of yourself] online, I think you'd have a fairly slam dunk case.” New Zealand is somewhat ahead of the curve in this area; our Harmful Digital Communications Act may be well-suited to adapt to this new type of crime. But what if you outsourced the production to a country without such legislation? Some other countries don’t have this type of legislation in place. “You could get a civil order to have the content taken down, and maybe a criminal prosecution as well,” said Colin. “But of course, that all gets tricky when it’s happening in a different jurisdiction.”

This type of crime, making AI porn of somebody without their consent, is about control. It’s about taking over the autonomy of another human being, and stripping them of their dignity as well as their clothing. Olivier Jutel, in the MFCO Department, explained a school of thought called the Californian Ideology. It essentially says that all of computing technology, down to its very core, is a relationship between a slave and a master. The computer is our digital slave, constructed to abide our every whim, and we play the role of a sort of digital God, “Thomas Jefferson on the digital plantation”. It’s no surprise, then, that these fucked-up fantasies surface online, in an environment that is centred completely on themes of dominance and subordination. Colin reckoned that the first court case about AI-generated, non-consensual porn in Aotearoa would end up between three pillars of existing law: privacy law, defamation law, and the Harmful Digital Communications Act. No one branch of legislation would specifically apply to this case, but any one of those three branches could step in and claim it as their jurisdiction. “But my pick”, said Colin, “is that if it got to a court and the court said, ‘no, the current law doesn't apply’, it wouldn't be very long before we had a new law that did.” But Tom from the Brainbox think tank offered a different reality. He cited a 1 News article that found that Netsafe received four complaints of deepfakes in 2020 alone – including at least one instance of synthetic porn. It’s already here. He also said that the government neglected to adopt a change in legislation that would guarantee deepfake porn to be included under the HDCA umbrella. As it stands, the HDCA is set up to address things that are recorded with a camera – synthetic porn could be a loophole. So what happens next would all depend on what the porn actually depicts, and if it were shared. If the content was completely synthetic, if it didn’t depict you specifically, it might be quite tricky to build a case against it; a case could be raised if the image was generated by a database of illegal pornography, like the ones built from GDP or Czech Casting. “If it was an image of a non-existent person, but made from images of real people, which were acquired by subterfuge or coercion,” explained Colin, “then I think there wouldn't be much difficulty [making a case]. I think you should probably be able to establish that that's illegal.” If you can’t prove that the source images were illegal, though, then that’s another story. But in this case it’s a made-up person, unrecognisable as anyone real, so it’s less likely to be harmful. That being said, it opens the door to even scarier options: what happens if someone makes an AI porno of an illegal act? Say, one depicting a minor? Is that still illegal, if it’s completely synthetic? But let’s say that the image isn’t synthetic, let’s say that it’s an image of you. “It would have to be more than just fake, it would have to be fake and harmful,” said Colin. “So yeah, if someone – God help them – wanted to create a digitally rendered image of me, naked, if they were that desperate, could they take a picture of me on the street and then put it through this kind of filter? I'm gonna have to say the law is not clear.” Personal privacy has not been tested in this way, and if the image is never shared, we simply do not know what would happen. That job falls to you, as students; Colin said that the current group of law students will be the ones to engage in the legal arena with AI-generated, image-based abuse. Some of them, like the ones behind the Brainbox think tank, already are. If you want to get involved with this space, Tom said that Brainbox is always looking for new voices, and suggested you reach out. New Zealand is ahead of the curve when it comes to regulating digital crime, but has failed to fully get ahead of the deepfake porn problem. But at the end of the day, according to Colin, if you find a pornographic image of yourself, if it’s something that obviously causes harm, “you have a pretty good chance [of taking it to court].” What exactly is a pretty good chance? Why is it not a certainty? Well, to put it simply, there hasn’t been a court case yet. But when there is one, it will “fall between these two areas that laws typically deal with: actual private information about us on the one hand, and false claims about us on the other hand. This isn't really either of those things.” An AI-rendered porno of you is a new image, it’s not a photo someone took up your skirt or in your dressing room. It’s not an invasion of privacy in that way. It’s also not necessarily claiming to be real, so it’s not necessarily defamatory. But it certainly feels wrong, somehow, and it’s probable that the courts would agree. We don’t know who will be the victim, and there’s little we can do to stop it. Until that happens, or until the government gets ahead of the curve, all we can do is wait.

Nā Skyla from Ngāti Hine

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Using AI to CreateMāori Designs isBasically AppropriationCultural OPINION:

Image prompts: a–c & title image; 'Māori guy with tā moko'. No matter how specific you are, you still end up with images like c, which don't even have tattoos. d; Papatūānuku. e; Kōwhaiwhai traditional pattern. f; Pounamu traditional Māori design. d e f c

motifs paint stories of genealogy and vast journeys across the treacherous Pacific. We’ve already heard that non-Māori artists have no connection (nor right, really) to these designs and their history, so does this criticism also extend to artificial intelligence which also has no connection to Māori culture? Naturally, I would agree. Artificial intelligence generators barely recognise Māori patterns when prompted, spitting out lacklustre, inaccurate representations that just don’t do justice to a culture that traversed the Pacific Ocean and survived nearly 200 years of colonial Consideringinjustices.thesecultural illustrations represent the ancestors and identities of an entire culture, you really shouldn’t be getting them wrong. That being said, the AI makes these images by googling the prompt and then finding all the related images and stitching them together. What's probably happening is that it's seeing a brown person (already a problem for AI engines) and then just assuming that all other brown people are the same, and bringing in styles from completely different populations under the umbrella of “brown people’s art”. As far as the actual designs are concerned, the AI can't quite pin down how to spell out the exact shapes and patterns that give tā moko meaning. It can't do this for English, either, but it damn sure can do a lot better with the highly-visible English language than it can for te reo or tā moko designs. This failure is a reflection of the internet's whitewashed nature and the consistent invisibility of Māori and other minorities in online culture.

topknots to taonga and tā moko, our Polynesian ancestors were well-decorated since their Hawaiki days and knew exactly how to develop their cultural style. Their significantly geometric patterns and designs gradually evolved to become the artistically intricate culture we maintain today. However, with the commercialisation and spread of Māori culture overseas, several non-Māori artists have faced severe (and sometimes threatening) backlash for their use of distinctive Māori designs in their work. But what would the future of toi Māori look like if artificial intelligence hopped on the trend of appropriating Māori Toart?set the scene, even traditional Māori society was all for gatekeeping toi Māori. Tohunga (experts, specialists) and women with significant mana were often not tattooed due to their status within society. Tā moko was, more often than not, reserved for those who were significantly distanced from the atua (deities). On the other hand, precolonial tohunga tā moko held a prestigious, irreplaceable position in society. They were relied on for their ability to bring whānau closer to their ancestors and were often commissioned for their work. For non-Māori, however, the incredibly tapu nature and ‘exotic’ look certainly add to its demand, sparking controversy across the motu (country). The rebirth of tā moko in the 1970s was a way for Māori to reclaim their position as tākata whenua, the natural custodians of Aotearoa; while tauiwi (foreigners) are free to make use of the saying “ignorance is bliss” and accessorise with cultural motifs dating back millennia. There’s no surprise that many Māori would be on the prowl to protect such an age-old tradition from ‘outsiders’ - but why? It all comes down to protecting our whakapapa, our Traditionalgenealogy.

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Test prompts we tried out at Critic Te Ārohi provided a good insight into the capabilities of the various AIs. When prompted to recreate tā moko designs, one AI flat-out refused to draw face tattoos of any kind, seemingly lumping in traditional tā moko with gang ideology - not good. Another AI generator gave a moderate representation of several geometric, symmetrical lines, with little detail or motifs that distinguish a clear connection to Māori designs. Rather, one apparent "tā moko" incorporated bits of an Incan sun illustration. Yikes. Minor inaccuracies aside, it says a lot about the actual capabilities of artificial intelligence, and what we can expect in the future. If we’re already honking at non-Māori artists capitalising on Māori motifs in their work, what happens when AI bots also hop on the cultural exploitation waka? a b

We were supposed to have flying cars by 2022, but instead, we have bots that don’t know how to differentiate indigenous cultures from opposite sides of the globe. The day that artificial intelligence recognises tā moko on iPhones, automatically generates captions in te reo Māori, and responds when I say “Hiri! He aha te taima?”, maybe then, I’ll praise the capabilities of AI bots. Until then, though, if you’re gonna appropriate culture, you could at least get it Fromright.

How Many Hats Would Guy Post If A Hat Guy Could Post Hats?

2,000 Hats and Counting

Daniel [@end_my_lyth], a local student and self-described “not really a hat guy” has been putting hats on his head and taking photos of them for the past 2,000 days and posting them to Instagram. Like all bad things, it began in high school with his acquaintance posting a photo of a different friend every day for nine days. Daniel, mimicking them, did this but with hats. Once it finished, Daniel’s mate told him “you should just keep going and see how long you can keep it up for,” and now, “five and half years later, here I am,” Daniel said. Daniel said he “doesn’t really know” how he has found so many different hats but frequents the op-shops quite a lot, with St. Vinny’s being his favourite. He doesn’t buy all the hats he has photos with, otherwise “I would be much more broke, or richer, than I am, depending on how you view it,” he said. On his 1,000th hat, Daniel took all the photos of him in his previous hats, put them on paper, printed it out, and “folded it into a paper hat and took it to a hat themed party”, he said. With milestones though, Daniel said “it’s kind of insane, they keep blending into one”. Just one hat

By Keegan Wells

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discussion in the past. He cut his hair, donated it to charity, not because he is a hero, but because he wanted a haircut, and then posted the photo of his bald head covered up with a hat. Mainly because he doesn’t consider “wigs to be a hat but I’ve worn a hat on a wig to showcase the wig” he said, just like any good drag race star.

In a spicy take, he said a helmet is “definitely a hat” but also realises he changes his definition on how desperate he is, just like every person changing their standards in town on a Saturday night. His most dubious hat, he reckoned, was a shower cap, but he said “if I think it’s a hat, it’s a hat.” His hats have taken him around the world, making ‘earthsandwiches’ with a guy from France who he photoshops into his photos every year, messaging the Briscoes Instagram, and begging for sponsorships in his Instagram bio. On the 2,000th photo, Daniel wrote “this has become such an integral part of me that I have no idea where I’d be without it,” since he’s now been taking photos in hats for over ¼ of his life. Critic Te Ārohi hopes Daniel keeps posting hats until there are no more hats, or until Critic slides into irrelevance. Either way it’s a win for us.

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Would A Hat after another, with no end in sight. “I’ve missed all the good endpoints like 100 posts, 1,000 posts, or five years, so I guess I’ll have to keep going,” he said. He’s been recognized in Wellington bars for being ‘the hat guy’ but doesn’t really think there’s “a higher meaning” to all the hats. He simply just posts a photo of him in a hat. That’s it. That’s the post. But with each post he comments about what he did that day and “everyone that follows me or reads my posts gets to know a little bit about my life,” he said, describing it as ‘voyeurism’. Has he found a favourite hat along the way? No, not really. There’s been some questionable ones like the KFC bucket hat, not the ones they give away at the rugby, no, that would be too simple for the complex hat man Daniel. Actually, he didn’t even realise those existed. Rather, he and his mate ate a whole bucket, washed it out so “I wouldn’t get grease through my hair”, he said, just to get one photo. He likes the “stories around them” rather than the actual hats Danielthemselves.mightbethe world’s expert on what makes a hat a hat, a topic that has generated at least lukewarm

What Shitty Student Car Do You Drive? Paint job? a. Piss yellow b. Industrial silver c. Blood red d. Sky blue e. Climate change-green a. Being overloaded with passengers b. Not having lights on during night drives c. Illegal car mods d. Speeding e. Driving in the wrong lane There’s nothing that screams ‘student’ quite like the deafening, failing exhaust of a shitty car you love with all your heart, held together by nothing but duct tape and a dream. A key part of your personality, this quiz will determine what noble steed gets you from Burns A to B. There are, of course, many shitty student cars. These five options are just the ones we saw the most driving down Cumberland Street. a. The brakes b. Window wipers c. Wing mirror d. Dented bonnet e. The back wheel a. John Lemon b. Lightning McQueen c. Paddy Wagon d. Chlöe Carbrick e. Orange Chariot a. Driveway b. North George Street c. A 20-minute space d. Queen Street Hill e. The gutter a. Yeah alright, if it’s before 1 am b. In your dreams mate c. For gas money, yeah d. I’ve already started drinking e. All aboard! No man left behind What are you getting pulled over for? BY WERRYRUBY Which part keeps needing repairs? CHOOSE AN Affectionate nickname for your car Where are you parking overnight? Will you sober drive tonight? ĀHUA NOHO 20CULTURE

Honda Jazz is your car, you thrifty legend. The value for money and fuel efficiency the Honda Jazz delivers makes you cream your pants when you talk about it; you probably make people wipe their shoes before getting inside. Keep lording it over people about how clean your car is, but maybe try smoking a cone and loosening up a little.

No one can stop you from putting an ugly canopy on the back, but at least do it to a Ford Courier so you don’t tarnish a car with any actual aesthetic value. Work on your fucking parking for that matter, and you don’t own the road! Odds are you’re a country kid and hunt in your spare time. If you’re heading to the Catlins every other weekend, then you’re unquestionably doing it in a Ford Courier.

The brakes may always be fucked and you’re basically the Uber for your friend group, but the Volkswagen Golf is the perfect car for you, you little socialite. You probably have a little bit of cash given those

European cars are expenny to maintain and run, but you’re not the type to demand $2.50 out of your mates for gas. What a G.

You didn’t buy this car, mum and dad gifted it for your 17th birthday along with a mountain of Glasson or Hallensteins vouchers. It’s easily the most broken-into car in New Zealand, a lesson you learnt the hard way. Dents from curbing while you were learning to drive are like a badge of honour to you. Sitting in your car feels like waiting in a vape shop thanks to the stale vanilla radiating from the Sex Wax freshener.

A car has wheels and moves you around, so sure, the Neuron Scooter qualifies. You can even fit two people on it, so it’s quite eco-friendly. Besides, who has money for a car these days? No one. Who can spend 40 cents a minute trying to get home on a night out? Everyone. Your knees may be grazed trying to recreate Titanic with your mate, and you might get told off by a boomer who thinks having five people on a scooter is ‘unsafe,’ but life is for living and you care about the environment. Mostly A: Volkswagen Golf Mostly B: HONDA JAZZ Mostly C: FORD COURIER Mostly D: MAZDA DEMIO Mostly E: NEURON SCOOTER

ĀHUA NOHO 20CULTURE

38 ĀHUA NOHO 20CULTURE Unicol lads DSC Christchurchfrequenter'thrift' shopper Mommy issues BA in pols/music (Definitely not addicted to) weed Straight men that go to Albar/Woof! Radio 'FightingOnethe system' Daddy's money Nose 'Politicalpiercingactivist' KnoxMusician Sam Uffindell Castle Street "I'm not racist, but..." Devil's SkiMisogynyDnBShitposteradvocateClubmember Pronounces it "mowree" Owns a $5000+ camera Tattoo 'artist' BrunchGamerSkater boys Mullet (bogan) Mullet (fashion) Doc InternationalTinderGamblingMartensaddictionpremiumstudents Knows the bouncer at pint night Billy Mavs Softboi/ Alty Rich fuckboy Breatha 90% 100% 80% 70% 60% 50% 40% 30% 20% 10% 10% 10% 20% 30% 40% 50% 60% 70% 80% 90% 100% 20% 30% 40% 50% 60% 70% 80% 90% 100% The Triangle of Insufferable Dunedin Men Study by A. Vaughan All good things come in threes. But so do bad things, as it happens. Here, we’ve shown how everything in Dunedin can be characterised in terms of your three shittest ex boyfriends. Feel free to submit your own, or complain about our work. If you don’t know how to read a ternary plot, AKA if you don’t do a stem degree, then I guess you’re SOL. Read a book or something, I dunno. Also, we know this data presentation is trash. If you're colourblind, good luck.

The Jazz Club has grown rapidly, doubling their player base and performing to a crowd of over 40 people within a month. From their humble beginnings of having low-key jam sessions at OUSA, to what one audience member described as the “resurgence of Dunedin music,” Finn hopes to see the Jazz Club continue to grow; “I’m confident that we’ve built enough traction that if one or two people move away it wouldn't go under immediately.” Aside from numbers, diversity of performers is a major focus for the Jazz Club. “Gender imbalances are across a lot of music in general which is still present in our situation,” said Finn.

The student-led Otago University Jazz Club has formed to perform weekly jam sessions to a live audience. The group describes itself as “a collection of students who are interested in playing and listening to jazz.” There is no barrier to entry, with all skill and interest levels being welcome to join. “You don’t have to be John Coltrane to play,” said saxophonist and Jazz Club member Isaac. Critic Te Ārohi went to one of the Jazz Club’s Tuesday night gigs at the Dish Cafe & Bar to vibe to some jazz over kai and drinks. Seb, a trombonist and aspiring hip-hop artist, said the evening included “a tasteful selection of jazz classics performed by inspiring young jazz musicians to a healthy crowd of nacho-loving jazz Finn,enthusiasts.”atrombonist and Jazz Club member, described the style of jazz as “loose”. Instead of playing traditional “straight ahead jazz”, the Dunedin-based musicians prefered the freedom of more experimental and funk styles which would ordinarily be considered to be outside the realms of the jazz canon. “What we lose in technical skill we make up for wild, loose freedom,” said TheFinn.“house band” comprises around five students who are reliably there every week as they “never know who is gonna show up [to play],” said Finn. The band typically prepares one song in advance, before leaving the stage open to impromptu suggestions between songs. “If you name a song that everyone knows, you're applauded,” said Finn. This creates a relaxed atmosphere which encourages aspiring musicians to get amongst. First year guitarists Dylan and Alex were relatively new to the jazz scene. “It’s definitely more of a hobby than a career for me,” said Dylan, who studies FYHS. Putting yourself out there always creates a degree of risk. However, Alex said that the best way to learn is by “throwing yourself in the deep end.”

By Zak Rudin ĀHUA NOHO 20CULTURE

The Jazz Club has locked in future Tuesdays at Dish through August and September. Anyone is free to come along and vibe to some jazz, or better yet, rock up with their instrument and get amongst. The band is especially looking for people who play bass clarinet and trumpet. You can follow and reach out to the Otago University Jazz Club on Facebook.

JazzJazzClubClub

The Jazz Club originally started as a niche jam session amongst friends. “For a while we had between three to six people playing for an hour or so in a room at OUSA,” said Finn. An idea to have a more public jam session soon developed into searching for a venue. “Finding places to play has been tough,” said Dylan. This has been made especially difficult given the recent closures of local gig venues (RIP Starters). Eventually, The Dish Cafe on 8 Stafford Street offered up their space in exchange for potential customers. “It can be a bit of a trek [so] it would be nice a wee bit closer, but you take what you can get,” said Alex.

Xoë Hall Bloodline 2022. Acrylic paint. Installation detail, Dunedin Public Art Gallery.

Bloodline will take you to a primordial, starry place of creation, but it also feels like eating Fruit Loops in your living room in 2009. And yet somehow, it also feels like now – right now, the only moment when everything, any act of creation, is possible.

Eye

Beholders Bloodline RANGITAKI 20COLUMNS

Maddie: We’re looking at something that is massive in scale, it really demands attention within the space. It is vibrant in colour and energy. It depicts a range of iconography of cultural and spiritual significance. The work is narrative in nature. Several figures are present within the piece, some depicted more literally while others are more symbolic.

Every week, we send two writers to an art exhibit in Ōtepoti Dunedin. One of them will choose a specific piece, and describe it to the other without them looking. They’ll try to figure out what the piece actually is before diving into their thoughts on the entire exhibition. You can’t ascribe any one meaning to any one piece of art, so this functions a bit like a game of artistic telephone. Let’s dive in. By Esmond Paterson and Madeleine Fenn

In the of the

The answer: We’re looking at Xoë Hall’s mural, Bloodline: a largescale installation work in the form of acrylic murals, that envelopes the rear entrance of the Dunedin Public Art Gallery. Originally part of Paemanu: Tauraka Toi – A Landing Place, Hall’s mural took us on a trip through the cosmos. Here’s what we discovered among the stars.

Recommended song for your visit: All the Stars by Kendrick Lamar & SZA Esmond: I’m going to guess that we’re looking at some sort of religious art from the collection. Maybe a history painting or tableau? Maybe an painting?icon

In the aptly named Bloodline, Xoë Hall (Kāi Tahu) honours the atua (deity, ancestor) of her iwi and their stories, although with a distinctly modern style. It’s an electric shock to the eye, immediate and vibrant in colour, imbued with the creative energy of the atua it depicts. While the cosmology of this mural may be traditional, a word associated with the past rather than the present, its figures shake off these static expectations with a shrug of their neon shoulders. Hall’s work incorporates the physical features of the gallery space itself into the stories, enveloping the kaimātakitaki (spectator) into her world. A pillar becomes a poū erected by the children of Rakinui and Papatūānuku, holding their parents apart. Grasping it at her side, Papa attempts to remove it so that she may be reunited with her lover. A beam across the corridor becomes Papa's other (bubblegum pink!) arm, complete with perfect manicure, reaching up longingly towards Raki. The striking blacked-out sections of walls become a representation of Te Pō, the perpetual night. From this darkness, Rakinui’s smouldering eyes gaze out across the gallery at his separated lover. As a kaimātakitaki, the space you stand in is Te Ao Mārama, the world of life and light, while the walls become the divine couple, forever apart. The entrance to the wharepaku becomes the watery mouth of Takaroa, perhaps agape in shock at discovering that his wife Papatūānuku had found a new lover in Raki. Aoraki, mauka of Kāi Tahu, can be spotted alongside his brothers. Their curling tongues point towards the heavens as if still reciting the karakia they hoped would return them home. However, a mistake in their karakia would seal their fate in stone (literally). Their waka struck a rock and capsized, becoming the Te Waipounamu, the South Island, and the brothers the mountains. Other atua including Mahuika, Pounamu, and Māui (of course), are also present within the piece. Attempting to gain immortality, Māui shoots his shot by trying to crawl inside Hine-nui-te-pō, atua and guardian of night, death, and the underworld. Catch a glimpse of his lizard form, crushed between the obsidian teeth in her vagina. Ouch.

This week: This column is supported by DPAG, but they have no influence on reviews.the

Based on this seating chart, and with some rough maths, I think we’re about 15 degrees to the right of a line that would run through the stage from the far corner to the corner with a guitarist on it. Looking back at the seating chart, that looks like section 362 or 363. Not quite all the way in the back, but on the second tier.

Easy as, try harder Chris. Also, how did you get this email if you're in the States right now...?

MR. WORLDWIDE RANGITAKI 20COLUMNS

Final answer: Section 363 of Capital One Arena, for the Roger Waters gig on 16 August 2022. Looks like a mean gig. Jealous. Want to send in your own picture? Send an email to maps@critic.co.nz and we’ll give it a shot. Correct answers will be published next week.

Submission image

The floating sheep is great, but unfortunately offers very little information as to where we actually are. I’m sure we could probably do some googling for the weird cross shape in the centre, but instead of going down that rabbithole, I’m just gonna search for the names on those jerseys hung from the ceiling. That ought to pin down the stadium right away. We’ve got what looks like “Gartner 11” and “Hunter 32”, in white font on a red ensign. Let's see… Both played for the Washington Capitals ice hockey team, and both names are in their hall of fame. So we’re in Washington D.C., presumably in Capital One Arena, who very recently hosted Roger Waters of Pink Floyd - that’s the stage we’re looking at, and the chaotic vibes make more sense now. Looks like it was a great show, and I’m sure this is the right place, so let’s see if we can get the seats.

This week, we have an image supplied by Chris. We got last week’s submission correct, thanks to a last-minute bit of sleuthing by one of our reporters. Arlo was standing on Conwy Castle, in Llandudno Junction, Wales. First thoughts: Looks like the Hajj, but obviously not. Okay, stadium, concert, specific event, this should be very easy. That being said, let’s see if we can get it down to the seat numbers.

1 pie raspberries1bought)or(homemadecruststore-1/2cups

1/4 cup sugar 3 lemonsqueezedfreshly1/2cornstarchtablespoonsteaspoonjuice

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).

Disclaimer: This was written by an AI. We have no idea if it'll actually work. If you end up making it, let us know how it turns out.

4. Bake for 45 minutes to 1 hour, or until the filling is bubbly and the crust is golden brown.

RANGITAKI 20COLUMNS

This raspberry pie recipe is so simple and delicious, and it comes with a heart-warming story about how I used to hate raspberry pie but came to love it. When I was younger, I used to really dislike raspberry pie. I thought it was too tart and didn't like the texture of the filling. But then, one day, I had a slice of raspberry pie that was so good, I changed my mind. It was light and fluffy, with a perfect balance of sweetness and tartness. I've been in love with raspberry pie ever since. Now, every time I make this pie, I think of that moment when I first tasted it and fell in love. It's a reminder that even the things we think we don't like can surprise us and become our favourites.

3. Pour mixture into the pie crust.

5. Let cool for at least 30 minutes before serving.

RASPBERRYPIE(AIMADE)INGREDIENTSMETHOD

2. In a medium bowl, stir together raspberries, sugar, cornstarch, and lemon juice until sugar is dissolved and raspberries are coated.

If you are buying Dark 8.6ers to have a good time, you have been seriously misled. If you are drinking them to cry in a corner as they cause serious damage to your physical and mental health, then you are right on the money. But, despite their undeniable foulness, it is difficult to be too hard on Dark 8.6ers. They have achieved the golden ratio, and in a world where everything costs more than it should, that is still something to believe in.

BAVARIA DARK AN ATROCIOUS DRINK, BUT AT LEAST THEY’RE NOT A RIP OFF Booze review: By Chug Norris

Bav 8.6ers are well on the toxic sludge end of the spectrum. If you consume an entire four pack, something bad is guaranteed to happen to you, those in your immediate vicinity, and potentially your entire family. The Bav Dark cans themselves are a massive warning sign. The wolf on the can represents not only the self-destructive spirit which inspired you to purchase this filth but also the raging hangover which you will soon experience. As you make it to your second can, you will feel that same wolf tearing up your insides and forcing you to vomit in the nearest greenery that you can find.

However, disregard all of this, because you can buy a four-pack of Bavaria Special Dark 8.6 cans for 12 dollars. Each can is 500 mL. This means that Bavaria 8.6ers have a dollars per standard ratio of 0.88, which is a genuine miracle. How they have managed to pull this off is a mystery, but God does work in mysterious ways.

The burnt flavour which permeates the drink is a subtle nod to the fires of hell, which happens to be the place where the drinks were designed and brewed. Unlike most other drinks which were brewed to be slightly enjoyable, Dark 8.6ers were instead created to be consumed at the lowest point in your life and to prolong your suffering for as long as possible.

Some of the best things in life are free, but some of the worst things in life come in at 0.95 dollars per standard. It must be said: massive respect to Bavaria for being one of the few drinks other than goon that can consistently deliver golden ratio prices, but it has to be asked: is the misery Dark 8.6ers inflict justified by their price? And the answer is yes, because they are so fucking cheap. Bavaria consistently provides some of the most affordable beer available in NZ. But in their quest for affordability they have always walked the line between affordable, drinkable alcohol, and cheap, toxic Unfortunately,sludge.

RANGITAKI 20COLUMNS

Tasting notes: golden syrup, burnt rice. Froth level: crying to get through the day. Tastes like: poverty, pain. Overall rating: 5/10 you can’t beat the price.

SCORPIO If your eyes are red and your hands are shaking or you're feeling nauseated or dizzy, go ahead and get it checked out. Website that will steal your data this week: Amazon. Oct 23 – Nov 21

VIRGO Virgos are very clean and they like their kitchens to be clean too. They will be really unhappy if they see a dirty sink. Virgos should clean up their kitchens right away before it gets worse.

Website that will steal your data this week: Strava. Aug 23 – Sep 22

ROBOSCOPESRANGITAKI20COLUMNS

You might be wondering how this If you’re reading this, chances are you have been told that you need to relax a little bit more. is possible. Well, it's actually really simple. All you need to do is stop being so annoying. Website that will steal your data this week: Dropbox.

SAGITTARIUS You need a hug. You are strong. I'm not kidding you. But that's my advice. Good luck and I hope this helps. Hope you have a very nice day. : ) Website that will steal your data this week: Reddit. Nov 22 – Dec 21 Dec 22 – Jan 19 Mar 21 – Apr 19 Apr 20 – May 20 May 21 – Jun 20 Jun 21 – Jul 22

Website that will steal your data this week: IMDB. The cancer horoscope is about why you deserve to be the centre of attention. The horoscope can help you understand your personality and what you should do in order to be the centre of attention. For people born under this sign, it is important to know that they are not needy. They are just looking for a little attention, which is natural for anyone with Cancer as their zodiac sign. Website that will steal your data this week: Expedia. Jan 20 – Feb 18 Feb 19 – Mar 20 Jul 23 – Aug 22

PISCESAQUARIUS CAPRICORNLEOCANCERGEMINITAURUSARIES

Once you've put yourself in the right frame of mind, you'll be ready to start flirting up a storm. Whether you're looking for love or just some casual fun, you'll have no trouble getting attention. Just make sure you don't come on too strong – you don't want to scare anyone away! Website that will steal your data this week: Twitter. We used an AI to generate these, but ran out of our free trial halfway through. You can see where we switched to a shittier free one.

You need to drink less. I'm not your mom, but drink a little less. Ok? Website that will steal your data this week: Etsy.

Stop vaping it's bad for your health. You will have an asthma attack, heart attack and stroke. My wife and daughter have asthma and my kids have heart attacks. They are just so sick you know. And my wife has had a stroke and is still having problems with it. Website that will steal your data this week: Google Docs.

Website that will steal your data this week: Facebook. Gemini is a sign that’s known for being talkative and social. One of the most common problems Gemini people have is loneliness. They crave the company of others and need to be around people all the time. The best way to deal with homesickness is to call your parents and tell them you miss them.

You will save money in the long run by checking your car's battery regularly. This is because a car with a dead battery can cost more money than one with a good battery. And, if your car doesn't start, then you need to tow it or pay someone else to do so.

Website that will steal your data this week: LinkedIn.

Leos are known for being so loud that they can be heard from miles away. This is because they have a need to be heard and seen by everyone around them, even if it means shouting over those who are talking in order to get their point across. They're the type of people who will always speak their mind, even if it's not wanted. It's all about them.

LIBRA You have a dirty front yard, broken glass, bad weather, nagging wife, moping kids, your daughter, a mother, and a father. You could have a lot more of this. Website that will steal your data this week: Zillow. Sep 23 – Oct 22

CONFESSIONS.rendezvoustxt RANGITAKI 20COLUMNS

I had the most amazing rendezvous last night. I was out at the bar with a few friends when I spotted him across the room. He was tall, dark, and handsome, and I couldn't help but stare. I could tell he was interested too, because he kept making eye contact with me. After a couple of drinks, I worked up the courage to walk over to him. We started talking, and it quickly became clear that we were both interested in each other. We were both feeling pretty buzzed after a few drinks so we decided to take things to the next level and go back to his place. On the way there, we stopped by the library to do some... research. We ended up finding a secluded spot and getting pretty hot and heavy. We were both feeling pretty frisky, so we decided to take things back to my place. We were both pretty drunk by the time we got there, so we stripped down and got into bed together.

Things were going great until he suddenly pulled away and started talking about how he wanted to tie me up and spank me, and how he wanted me to pee on him. I was so shocked and scared that I ran away as fast as I could. I was so shocked and offended that I got up and left. I can't believe he would even ask me to do something like that. I'm never going to see him again. I thought he was a nice guy, but now I'm getting calls from him nonstop and he won't leave me alone. I'm really freaked out and I don't know what to do. And then I woke up the next morning and changed my mind. I'm not sure what came over me, but I suddenly found myself really enjoying the sensation of being spanked. I tried it out with my partner and it was honestly one of the most erotic experiences I've ever had. There's something about giving up control and being at the mercy of someone else that just gets me going. I'm really looking forward to exploring this new kink further. I'm not sure where it came from, but I'm glad it did. I feel like I've discovered a whole new side to my sexuality that I never knew existed. Who knows where this will lead, but I'm excited to find out.

MOANINGFUL_BROUGHTTOYOUBY Have something juicy to tell us? Send your salacious stories to moaningful@critic.co.nz. Submissions remain anonymous. Get your story featured and win a sex toy with thanks to ATMS Robot

46 SNAP OF THE WEEK SEND A SNAP TO US AT @CRITICMAG. BEST SNAP EACH WEEK WINS A 24 PACK OF WEEKSNAPOFTHE YOURFACEBOOKCRITICCONTACTONTOCLAIMREDBULL