Critic - 2023 Issue 24

r1.co.nz/onecard

Burger King

BK Chicken Small Value Meal for $10

BBQ Bacon Double Cheeseburger Small Value Meal for $10

University Book Shop (UBS)

10% o full-priced items.

Boss Pizza•Burger

Free upsize any burger from single to double OR medium pizza to large. Burger + fries + drink OR snack pizza + fries + drink for only $14.90. Wa e Wednesday $7 ALL DAY!

Cornerstone Ink Tattoo Studio

10% student discount on any tattoo, not in conjunction with any other special.

Headquarters Hairdressing

20% o all services for students with 2023 Onecard or Student ID.

Lumino The Dentists

$69 new patient exam & x-ray, plus 10% o further treatments (excluding implants & orthodontics).

Only Ur's Beauty Parlour

$35 Brazillian Maintenance, $15 Eyebrow Wax, $45 Eyelash Lift, $18 Male Eyebrow Wax, $55 Eyelash + Tint Deal, or $22 Spray Tan.

Otago Museum

2-for-1 student entry to Tūhura Science Centre to see the butterflies, Monday to Friday only. 10% o for all students at the Otago Museum shop.

RA Hair and Beauty

$21 Spray Tan

Buy TWO Image products, get a FREE facial or cleanser. $169 - 1/2 head foils including toner, plex and hydration treatment (surcharges may apply for length and thickness). All deals valid weekdays before 5pm.

Stirling Sports

10% student discount on all full-priced items.

DEAL OF THE WEEK:

Reload Fast Nutrition

15% o your total order.

SUBWAY

Buy any 6inch ‘Sub Box’ (1x 6inch, 1x cookie, 1x drink) and receive a FREE upgrade of your Six Inch sub to a Footlong sub.

Sal’s Authentic New York Pizza Charging Bull Combo (Red Bull, Slice, and a Garlic Knot) for $11.

Float Fix

$65 Float Special

Gelato Junkie $1 o double scoop gelato.

Amigos Dunedin

15% o your bill. Dine-in only. Not to be used with other discounts, and excludes Tuesdays.

Taco Bell

Buy any regular combo and get upsized for free.

Nando’s Octagon 20% o food and drink.

La Porchetta

10% discount on all items and beverages.

ReBurger

Upgrade to a combo for $3.

Mr Noodles

1 Free Cold Dish with any order from N1 to N3.

Takeichi 15% o food.

Taste Nature 10% o storewide. In-story only.

Reading Cinemas

Buy a medium popcorn and upgrade to a large for free.

Larnach Castle & Gardens

‘Big Kids go Free’ - one free entry with one paying adult and 'Ride Share' - Two or more in your car? Get a 50% discount on each entry.

ADJǾ

10% o everything at ADJØ (excluding already discounted deals and alcohol).

Strictly Co ee Company

Co ee Roastery & Café

10% o co ee beans and brew gear including Frank Green products. Excludes cafe food and drink.

Sax Hair Design

20% o all services - excluding hair extensions.

Beauty Mirror

Eyebrow Wax or Thread from $15 and Full Set Eyelash Extension from $75.

Beauteholic Beauty Studio

Brow shape and Brazilian wax combo (Braz and Brows Combo) for $50.

Girls Get O

20% o storewide using discount code OTAGASM at girlsgeto .com

TM Automotive

$60 warrant of fitness fee.

Noel Leeming

Preferential pricing storewide. In-store only. Some of our nationally advertised specials may be at a lower price. You will receive the best price on the day for the item(s) you choose. Exclusions apply. Ask in-store for full details.

JBL

ORI ‘23 SPECIAL - 25% o site wide until 19th March. Rest of year, 20% o site wide (excluding sale items) with code RADIOONE on jbl.co.nz

LETTERS

EMAIL CRITIC@CRITIC.CO.NZ

LETTER OF THE WEEK

Dear Critic,

LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A $25 VOUCHER FROM UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP

Today I discovered that at a flat initiation a live duck was going to be there. This was a very upsetting thing to hear as we should all know that animal cruelty is one of the most psychotic things someone can do. Even if what I heard just ended up being a rumour (which I hope it has) the fact people think this might be funny or cool makes me ashamed that I go to the same university as these people. I also can’t believe that people invited/ participating in this initiation have such a high ego and are so cowardly that they would still show up to it. I really hope they were joking because what they were allegedly going to do is not ok. Some people obviously need to take a good hard look at themselves and think about their actions.

Sincerely,

Someone who likes ducks

Dear Critic, I know it's a smoke-free campus but I reckon Winnie Peters wants the smoke.

I would be happy to give it to him. If he wants to arrange a time and a date I'll be there.

No shirt, no shoes, just a bit of pure beef. We'll see how big you are after a smackdown.

Ball's in your court bbg.

Yours sincerely,

A concerned voter

ISSUE 24 25 SEPTEMBER 2023

THE SEX ISSUE

EDITOR Fox Meyer

SUB-EDITOR Nina Brown

NEWS EDITOR Nina Brown

FEATURES EDITOR

Elliot Weir

CULTURE EDITOR

Annabelle Parata Vaughan

KAITUHI MĀORI

Skyla, Ngāti Hine

STAFF WRITERS

Lotto Ramsay, Jamiema Lorimer, Zak

Rudin, Iris Hehir

CONTRIBUTORS: Harriette Boucher

COLUMNISTS FOOD: Charley Burnett

@chargrillss

BOOZE REVIEWS: Dan Muir

DESIGNER

Molly Willis

SUB-DESIGNER

Evie Noad

ILLUSTRATION

Mikey Clayton @itsspikeymikey

Daniel Van Lith @art_by_deeev Justina King @coccinelleart

Dear Critic

I can't be alone in wanting to get outside and enjoy our glorious campus as the temperature slowly rises out of the 'bullshit' zone here in the South. However I'm forced to retreat into an artificially lit, crowded library reeking of despair every time I want to study online due to the lack of wifi in between buildings. OK, I don't expect the whole Botanical gardens to be covered, but sitting 3 meters away from the outer wall of Archway 3 recently trying to complete a Blackboard quiz, my wifi signal was chopping in and out and I had to give up and go inside. Given that spending time in nature is a proven simple (and cheap) way to support mental health in the community surely it would benefit us all to be able to get some vitamin D and admire the campus flora (maybe befriend some local ducks?!?) while simultaneously (only if ya feel like it) being productive. It may not be Yellowstone but it still counts as nature, probably.

I know IT has a lot on their plate but let's start a convo. Who's with me?

Sincerely

Duck Enthusiast

Editor’s response: Lots of duck content this week. Cool!

PHOTOGRAPHER Connor Simpson @simpson.photography

VIDEO TEAM LEAD Connor Simpson

VIDEO EDITOR Sophie Douglas

VIDEOGRAPHY Hugh Askerud, Isaac Chadwick

CENTREFOLD Gabriele Berta

FRONT COVER Archival Critic, Molly Willis

ONLINE

Arlo Hill

DISTRIBUTION Vincent Withers Pedals Dunedin

ADVERTISING SALES Michael Phillipps Nicholas Hanover Anna Casey sales@planetmedia.co.nz 03 479 5361

READ ONLINE critic.co.nz Issuu.com/critic_te_arohi

GET IN TOUCH critic@critic.co.nz Facebook/CriticTeArohi 03 479 5335

P.O.Box 1436, Dunedin

Critic Te Ārohi is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor or OUSA.

NZ Media Council: People with a complaint against a magazine should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the NZ Media Council.

Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary: info@mediacouncil.org. nz.

EDITORIAL :

NO FUCKS LEFT TO GIVE

BY FOX MEYER

There’s only so much you can write about sex week before you run out of content. Like an editorial refractory period. After enough time at Critic you really start to scrape the bottom of the barrel for the salacious and the scintillating.

And I’m fresh out. Which is a good thing, because I’m getting old anyway and I don't have much more to give this mag. This horse has run enough races and, to be honest, I’m looking forward to the day when my trainers take me out back and put me out of my misery. Three issues left.

At the end of the year, a massive amount of Critic staff are going to be rotating out, including me and almost all of the senior leadership. A few have completely checked out already, which I’ll be assured of when none of them even read this column. But no matter! We have a saving grace: you. Probably. If you want to.

Jobs will open here towards the end of the year. I’m not sure what the next Editor will do in terms of structure, but I know that this magazine will need the young creative juices that can only be

squeezed out of the brains of Otago's most twisted, manic and curious students. So if that sounds like you, come pop by the office. We’ll crack your head open like an 1800’s sperm whale and soak up the precious juices inside. Mmm, content.

Anyway, something about sex week that you should know: we put out a survey asking what you wanted and we got a very divided set of answers. Half of the respondents said “Tits! More boobs!” that sort of thing. The other half said the exact opposite, saying they didn’t want juvenile content and the trivialisation of sex. So I’m not sure what to do with that, but it confirms a pattern we’ve encountered about sex content: someone will always, always be upset. You went too far; you didn't go far enough. You filled the mag with smut; you didn’t show a single boob. No matter what we print it’ll cause someone to send an angry email, and more than anything else, that’s something I’m looking forward to never having to deal with again.

Bottom line is: if you think the mag’s shit, do something about it. It’s your magazine. Don’t complain if you’re not willing to make it better. And hey, the same goes for sex! Funny that.

Professor Stuart Brock from Victoria Uni has been appointed as the new Deputy ViceChancellor (Academic) at Otago Uni, starting next year. Four students (Jakira Brophy, Shannon Burnett, Sophie McCarlie, and Hazel Simes) have been selected as the 2024 Six60 Scholarship recipients. A Lincoln student told Newshub that

on more than one occasion he’s run the 14km home from town after a night out to avoid Uber fees. Costcutting king.

Kicks and The Beatniks respectively.

The Southern Consort of Voices choir invites you to a concert in St. Paul’s Cathedral on October 1st - plenty of uni students are performing.

It’s the last Market Day of the year this Wednesday, 10am3pm on the Union Lawn. There’s a new sushi station in town, Wasabi, located in the Link opposite Chatime and Cafe Albany.

Bring The Noise results are in: IVY scored first place, followed by the Audio Visual Drop

Labour plans to campaign on a promise to overhaul sexual consent

laws, putting the onus on the alleged offender to prove their victim said “yes”. The promise comes in the wake of a petition submitted to Parliament with 12,000 signatories calling for the laws to be reformed. Queenstown has the shits. Health officials last week were advising residents to boil water following a gastro outbreak while they figured out what the source could be.

Accidental Studentville Ram Raid

Car crasher? I barely know her!

How does a flat 30 metres shy of the road find a car in its living room? In perhaps the most bat-shit crazy twist of the year, at around 7pm on Friday the 15th (may as well have been the 13th) the girls at Salt Shaker found themselves staring down the eye of an old beat-up grey wagon that had plunged through their living room wall.

The commotion instantly saw a crowd of 50+ flock to the scene of the crime where the girls stood laughing at the random intrusion on their red card plans. Curious onlookers could be seen poking their noses over fences on Cumberland St in wonderment at what could warrant three cop cars and a fire truck.

By the following Tuesday when we paid the flat a visit, the gaping hole in the wall had been filled. The girls told us that at 6:30pm on the night of the incident, they were (thankfully) upstairs getting ready for a red card. Then they heard it. “We just see this car in the wall, like… I had no idea what it was, so it was quite strange to be honest.” The freakiest part? They’d been sitting on the couch against said wall just five minutes prior.

Instantly the group reacted, calling the police and the landlord. One resident,

Sophie, said that she told her landlord, “Oh I don’t really know what to say, you should probably come down. There’s a car in the living room.” Even though the group had caught their landlord in the middle of having a glass of wine with his wife (bless), he didn’t seem to be bothered by the whole thing, simply repeating the phrase, “I’m the lucky owner,” to the delight of the group of onlookers who had amassed.

While the crowd gathered outside the humble flat, likely drawn by a Castle23 post which raised a few eyebrows (“Can’t park there, mate”), was sizable, the culprit was nowhere to be seen. One resident, Maddy, told us, “I saw him sitting there for like 30 seconds after it happened, then he sprinted into his flat. I’m pretty sure he was just hiding in his room until the police came and wanted to talk to him.”

The offender has been landed with a $15k invoice for their new wall, who was referred to only as ‘Little Niks’. Little nik on the side of the house, that’s for sure.

Maddy told Critic Te Ārohi, “When I first saw it, I thought, ‘God, it must be someone with some real hate towards our flat.’” Though Little Niks had had few interactions with the flat before that point, the girls also thought that if there was any hate in the

By Hugh Askerud Staff Writer // hugh@critic.co.nz

neighbourhood it would likely be targeted at the raucous Debacle boys. But Little Niks has suggested that the accelerator was simply faulty and got stuck.

Yet redemption came for Little Niks when, in an attempt to make amends, he gifted the girls of Salt Shaker a box of favourites and a letter which reads as follows:

To neighbour, I deeply apologise for crashing into your house.

I hope you don’t take a-fence. I hope we can meet on better terms.

Hope everything is okay.

With love, - little niks from next door

The repentant offender managed to sell his car to the wreckers for $900, so he only has $14,100 to go. At 9pm they also caught him in the act of smoking a durrie and munching pasta while wistfully staring at the carnage he had created, job well done.

The girls at the Salt Shaker may have lost their wall, but in doing this they’ve gained so much more. Maddy admitted to blowing up on TikTok as a result of the event, and a bond between the flat and Little Niks may have been permanently established. Critic can’t wait to attend the wedding in a year or two.

One Day, Five Sports and Food Poisoning

Otago pair achieves the “fivefecta”

The classic trifecta is skiing, surfing and rock climbing or mountain biking. But just three technical sports were not enough for students Anya and Eugene - the pair were set on achieving the elusive “fivefecta” around a week ago. That’s five events, if your two leftover brain cells were struggling.

The plan was to ski or snowboard Porters, send it to Castle Hill for a spot of sport climbing, amble through Cave Stream, pack-raft down a river, and finish off with some canyoning.

The twist was that Anya had food poisoning. And not your typical upset stomach from an egg you probably

shouldn’t have eaten but couldn’t bring yourself to throw away half your Studylink for the week. No, this was the kind to send you up shit’s creek without a paddle; we’re talking vomiting, dry heaving, and everything in between. “It was like the worst hangover of your life,” said Anya.

For most people, doing a fivefecta is a massive ask in itself. But doing it all while absolutely crook? A whole ‘nutha ball game. By the time Anya got to the first event, skiing, she was already trying not to throw up for the second time. Her focus on the task at hand meant that she forgot to jump off the chairlift at the top of the mountain until she was two metres

By Zak Rudin Chief Reporter // zak@critic.co.nz

off the ground. “I didn’t wanna do a ride of shame, so I did what I had to,” she bravely told Critic. Meanwhile, Eugene described the incident as a “highlight”.

Next was rock climbing. Climbing is typically a partnered sport; while one person goes up, clipping in the rope along the way, another person holds the rope at the bottom, prepared to catch the climber if they fall. Eugene joked that he was “basically free-soloing” (where the climber doesn’t use any ropes). However, Anya insisted that she had him secured, venturing that “you don’t have to look at the climber the whole time”. Although at one stage she did tell Eugene to go on safety so she could go have a quick dry retch. Class.

It was at this point that Eugene was seriously thinking about calling it quits as it was becoming a “borderline reckless health and safety issue”. The pair were two hours behind schedule and Anya was not in a good state. “I’d walk a couple metres before having to sit or lie down,” she said. Stoic and determined, Anya insisted she could go on. “We both really know our limits and if it had gotten to the point it was unsafe we would have stopped,” said Anya. The pair only had the day and for them it was “all or nothing”. So on they went.

Cave Stream is a 600-metre long cave with fast flowing currents of

water coursing all the way through. Surprisingly, other than hitting her head against a rock (while wearing a helmet), Anya started feeling a little better and they made it out in just half an hour. The last two sports, packrafting and canyoning, were pretty straightforward for the outdoorsy duo. Two rappels down a couple waterfalls and a five-metre jump, and the pair had made it out just before dark.

They celebrated with noodles and plain white rice (Anya’s first meal of the day). After a moment’s hesitation, Anya told Critic that it was “a good day out”, while admitting that at times it

was “pretty grim”. For Anya, the silver lining was that she got to “train being in bad situations and do it anyway… it really puts you out of your comfort zone and it would have been too easy without it.”

Anya and Eugene stressed that people should only attempt a fivefecta if they know the sports they are doing really well. “You need technical skills that are really specific to each sport,” said Eugene. As for Anya, she definitely wouldn’t recommend getting food poisoning before trying such a feat, either.

This was the kind of food poisoning to send you up shit’s creek without a paddle; we’re talking vomiting, dry heaving, and everything in between. “It was like the worst hangover of your life.”

DCC: Definitely Causing Chaos

Local politics is just reality TV for nerds

The pseudo-soap opera that is the Dunedin City Council has been making news. If you’ve been reading headlines, you’ll have seen the antics that have been going on amongst our electorate. From racist remarks to climate hesitation, you might be left wondering: who the hell is running the Council? Stay tuned for the dish.

A quick recap: earlier this month, Strath Taieri Community Board chairperson Barry Williams came under fire for using a racial slur directed towards a staff member of Strath Taieri Hotel. After a problem with a food order, Williams called the employee “a stupid black bitch”. This sparked outrage among the public and other councillors and set off a chain of events within the Dunedin City Council.

In response to calls for his resignation, Williams defiantly asked, “Why the fuck should I?” Mayor Jules Radich then added fuel to the fire, telling RNZ, “It happened in a pub, and he didn’t even remember that it had happened, so it was just a relatively minor thing."

This reaction disappointed several members of the Council and also involved a breach of confidentiality in disclosing the incident's location, resulting in the identification of the staff member involved. Big yikes.

That then led to Deputy Mayor Sophie Barker and Councillor Jim O’Malley lodging a code of conduct complaint about the Mayor’s comments and this breach of confidentiality. And just for good measure, Barker tossed in her resignation, deciding she could no longer work with the Mayor.

It seems that the Mayor’s comments were the straw that broke the camel’s back, with local sources saying Barker has been frustrated for a long time. First-term Councillor Cherry Lewis has stepped into her shoes.

But it’s not over yet. Enter stage left: Councillor Carmen Houlahan, who has declared Barker’s decision to resign to be a campaigning strategy for the next mayoral election, despite the fact the local elections are another two years down the line. Houlahan apparently sent Barker 17 “awful” text messages and called her eight times. This resulted in Barker lodging a second code of conduct complaint against her.

And then there's Jim O'Malley again who, despite the fact

By Harriette Boucher Contributor

that he already has a job as an elected Councillor, has decided to look for a side hustle and put his hat in the ring as an independent candidate standing for Parliament in the upcoming elections.

O’Malley cites his reasons for wanting to become an MP as a “response to a very frustrated voice out there in the electorate right now.” He makes no mention of any potentially frustrated ratepayers who thought that when they elected him to Councillor it would be his full-time job. Instead, he plans to juggle both the Councillor and MP roles at once.

In between the racist remarks and resignations, the DCC’s climate pledge has been brought into question. Back in 2019, Dunedin pledged to be carbon neutral by 2030, a full two decades ahead of the nation’s goal. However, there is growing concern both from the public and the Council of whether they can pull it off.

The Council has pushed out the vote on the draft Zero Carbon plan, which was originally set for August 29. The delay extends it to September 25 because council members have requested the staff prepare complete cost estimates. Money is a concern, and some people are saying we no longer have enough time to strive for 2030. There is now talk of pushing back the goal to 2050 like the rest of New Zealand. We really are just like the other girls.

The Forest and Bird organisation is rallying to have the plan implemented right away with a petition asking for 500 signatures. “We are calling on Dunedin City Councillors to adopt the draft Zero Carbon Plan 2030 immediately, without amendments, and provide funding options to match its ambition as part of the Long Term Plan.” Public apprehension about the uncertainty of the objective has arisen as a result of various actions taken by the council. This includes Mayor Radich’s rather bold assertion that Dunedin doesn't need to be concerned about sea level rise because our ocean is “quite cold”.

Hats off to the DCC for proving that no matter how educated, experienced or “adult” you are, people never really grow up.

ODT WATCH

Castle Residents are disgusted someone would spoil their slice of paradise by dumping nature in their rubbish reserve

Leonardo DiCaprio and his new girlfriends

PUZZLES

ACROSS:

1. The best

5. Certain train car

9. Summed (2)

12. Place to sit

13. Company icons

14. Flying saucer

16. Who you don't want to be (2)

18. Beatle breaker (2)

DOWN:

1. Posh

2. Black Widow's name

3. Winter wear

4. Golf gadget

6. Leaf on a country's flag

7. Ghastly Kart racer (2)

8. "___ to riches" story

10. Ridley of Star Wars fame

11. Ill-fated elf

15. Stomach filler

16. Mountain hunter's target

17. Acronym for app interfaces

WORDFIND

SEXY SMUT

POSITIONS

CRASH

MESSY BUTTER

CHURNER

MISSIONARY

20. Hannibal actor Anthony

23. Wall hook brand

25. Those tall skinny trees often seen by water

28. Malice

29. Wooden dwelling

30. One member of a hungry school?

32. Botans meal

33. Motu

19. Ron Stoppable's partner

21. Certain ocean

22. Type of hero?

23. The link (haha) between this week's clues

24. "To Kill a Mockingbird" setting

25. They owe John Leonard a fighter jet

26. Joker's got 'em

27. Massage, as dough

28. One who pines, informally

31. Works on walls

DOGGIE SCISSOR

COWGIRL

SEASHELL

SPEEDBUMP

PROTECTION

PENETRATION

FOREPLAY

DOWN: 1. ABLAZE 2. LAVENDER 3. SNAP 4. BEAR 5. GLEE 6. TEST 7. MEXICO

BLOCK WORDS: STREAKING, HALFBACKS, ADVANTAGE, UPTHEWAHS, CHISELLED,

The (#) tells you how many words are in the solution. If a clue doesn’t have a (#), it’s a one-word answer. Answers in the grey boxes are all connected by the bold clue.

WORD BLOCKS

Make up the 9-letter word hidden in these blocks, using every letter once.

otago Degree

Favourite Sex PoSition

Quantitative Study with Qualitative

No one asked, but here it is. A breakdown of Otago degrees and their favourite sex positions. Use it well.

Using a mix of questionable quantitative and qualitative research methods, Critic Te Ārohi has investigated the correlations between what degrees people take and their favourite sex positions. Before reading, please remember: you can’t argue with science. Especially with data collection as precise (yet inaccurate) as this. It’s just a matter of crunching the numbers, baby. In the words of Einstein himself, “Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.”

Starting off strong, we have the mighty BCum. The data was clear: students of commerce love Missionary. 100% of respondents to the survey who studied a Bachelor of Commerce said that Missionary was their favourite sex position. Let’s be honest, no one is surprised by this. They like it simple, straightforward, and to the point. And they probably all consider themselves a top.

Ask them why we can’t just print more money, it’ll turn them on.

Missionary & Butter Churner

Missionary: simple, exact, precise. Much like this piece of scientific research. There’s respect in that. Getting the angles just right. But remember what Einstein said, and don’t let science limit the imagination. The Butter Churner is a good one to spice things up.

Chuck some variables into your experiment and see what

Missionary & Cowgirl

The data was relatively clear for the Arts, with most preferring Missionary and Cowgirl for their adult sleepovers. Cowgirl was more prevalent for Politics students, while the Historians and English students enjoyed Missionary. The superiority complex of Politics students explains the preference for Cowgirl. History students like to keep it traditional, and English students? No one knows what they’re

Dirty talk to them in Shakespearean or something, they’ll probably love it. Definitely don’t ask them who they’re voting for.

Of all the degrees, Law presented the highest proportion of respondents who enjoy Reverse Cowgirl. Law students also had the highest variety of answers, with Doggy in second, Missionary and Cowgirl in third, and a few honourable mentions for Spread Eagle. It's safe to say the Law students may be some of the freakiest academics

If they ask you whether the sex was good, just say yes. It’ll make

Keeping the man on their knees. I like it. A key component of studying SPEX is understanding the ins and outs of the science behind sports and human movement, so of course you like the more intricate positions. This one would actually be quite educational for you. Keep

Ask them how much they bench. Don’t question their answer.

Degree: MeD/Biomed

Sex position: Doggy & Missionary

Med students can get pretty freaky. You’re already getting fucked by uni, so why not a bit more? Doggy came out on top with over half of med students favouring it. Purely for anatomical reasons, of course. You can really get a good look at everything. Good angles, etc. A sort of field study, one could say. As for Missionary… an inevitable preference. One Med student even went as far as to call Med + Missionary as an “unbeatable combo”.

Tip: Validate them. Tell them you could never do what they do. Remind them how smart they are. Tell them the sex was amazing. Let them prove themselves, it’s all they want.

Degree: PsyChoLogY/neuroscience

Sex position: Doggy, Seashell, Cowgirl, & Butter Churner

You guys love to psychoanalyse everyone, now it’s our turn. Law and Med students are prudes in comparison to the Psych and Neuro students. They came back with the biggest spread of different positions by far (pun intended). They think deep about that shit. Doggy was number one for students of the brain, with one student saying they love “getting railed from behind”. Interesting… and how do you think that links back to your relationship with your father? Seashell, meanwhile requires a lot of flexibility and mental strength that only a Psych student can offer.

Tip: Don’t bring up your relationship with your mum. It’ll only end badly. And definitely don’t ask them to read your mind. Because they will.

Degree: PhysiotheraPy/oCcuPational

theraPy

Sex position: Speed Bump & Seashell

Y'all love to use props, hence Speed Bump works. Nestle the pillow under there, let them stretch you out and make sure you tell them when it starts to hurt. It’s a lot like work, to be honest.

Tip: Stretch beforehand, they’ll have you switching up positions.

Degree: gender stuDies

Sex position: Spooning

Not a real degree, not a real position.

Degree: coMmuniCations

Sex position: Cowgirl

Communication is important during sex. Positions where you are facing your partner enable free-flowing communication and intimacy. Cowgirl is certainly one of them. But this isn’t necessarily the impetus for some Comms students. One said they like it “on top where the hegemonic power is”. Nice.

Tip: You can’t have too much dirty-talk. Otherwise try some role play and see where things go.

Degree: Zoology

Sex position: Doggy (reverse + classic)

Literally how could you have been any more obvious. One participant specified that they particularly favoured sex “when they actually love and care about me”. How cute. Although you would think if you spend your days analysing animal behaviour you would be less naïve to the instincts of sexually-active Dunedinites. It’s basically the same thing, right?

Tip: Ask them what their favourite animal is, then proceed to make that sound in bed. They’ll love it.

Degree: Social WorK

Sex position: Open Missionary (legs on shoulders)

Social workers, the backbone of our society. Keeping kids off the streets and homes safe, it’s not easy. They have to delve into traumatised minds and seek solutions. As one social work student said, “We like the deep work.” The deeper the penetration, the better the outcome for New Zealand as a whole. Your efforts do not go unnoticed. Keep it up.

Tip: If the sex isn’t good, just ask them about what jobs come out of a social work degree. They’ll either finish or stop to tell you.

Degree: SurveYing

Tip: Sex position: Tripod

Well this makes a lot of sense. Surveying… tripods.. you make the connection.

Tip: Let them tell you about their degree and what they like about it. Nobody else listens.

honourabLe mentionS: outliers:

Students of Teaching, Microbiology, Environmental Management, and Human Geography all preferred Cowgirl as their sex position of choice. At a first glance, these degrees have literally nothing in common. Now, they do. Now if someone tells you they study Human Geography, instead of asking, “What the fuck is that?” you can ask for some tips on perfecting one of the more elusive sex positions.

The Flailing Salmon was mentioned by a few students of the Arts and Sciences. We’ll let you search it up. The least sexually-active degrees appeared to be Comp Sci and HSFY. Ha, nerds. But seriously, get out of the library and computer labs and into bed, maybe you’ll find yourself.

SEX TOY

WHAT ARE YOU?

1. HOW OFTEN DO YOU NAP?

a. I’m not a toddler. I micro-nap by blinking rapidly, when required

b. Can it even be called napping when I didn’t get up in the morning?

c. Only when my partner does

d. Very rarely, and usually in jeans, but when I do I lose all sense of time and space

e. Routinely: once a day, 3pm, 20 minutes

f. All day, then I emerge at night like a possum and scream at walls

2. WHICH CHARACTER FROM THE BARBIE MOVIE ARE YOU?

a. Stereotypical Barbie (predepression model)

b. Allan

c. Ken

d. Weird Barbie

e. Earring Magic Ken

f. CEO of Mattel

3. WHEN IN THE DAY IS YOUR MOOD THE BEST?

a. After dusk, once the moon rises

b. Any time in the afternoon

c. Late morning, after I’ve properly woken up

d. Golden hour, before the sun starts to set

e. First thing in the morning

f. Whenever my meds kick in

4. WHAT HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK SUPERLATIVE ARE YOU MOST LIKELY TO RECEIVE?

a. Most likely to become PM

b. Class clown (derogatory)

c. Most likely to get knocked up in a walk-in freezer

d. Most likely to start an online cult

e. Most likely to date a wannabe rockstar

f. Most likely to become a cop

5. WHICH PARTY ARE YOU VOTING FOR THIS ELECTION?

a. Labour

b. National

c. Te Pāti Māori

d. Greens

e. TOP

f. Act

6.YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING WANK WAS…

a. Never! I refuse to be shamed for my sexuality

b. Hentai is basically mainstream now…

c. While my partner was sleeping next to me

d. Not my fault household objects be dick-shaped

e. Lecturer’s voice made me feel some type of way

f. We are NOT going there, dude

7. YOUR BIGGEST FLAW IS:

a. Still a bit of a basic bitch (who isn’t, though)

b. Accidentally calling Tinder hookups ‘Mummy’ mid-root

c. Regularly sending 20 texts in a row with no punctuation

d. Anything will give you the ick, except actual red flags

e. Your friends tell you every event begins half an hour earlier so you show up on time

f. So indecisive no one wants to go to the supermarket with you

8. WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING TONIGHT?

a. A three-hour video essay on something I don’t care about

b. A comedy (British, not American)

c. Something artsy so I can brag about being cultured

d. Daddy Attenborough

e. B-grade retro horror

f. My life slip away in my hands

Mostly A’s: Satisfyer Pro 2

You kind of suck, but in a good way. You're a legend around town. A local celebrity, even. You can be a bit loud, and you might be a bit dated, but why ruin a good thing? Yeah, you make some people nervous, and yeah, some others don't find you very interesting - but you've earnt my respect. You’re classy yet approachable, but you might need to be scrubbed a bit.

Mostly B’s: Bobo breast massager

You're a bit quirky, a bit different, and you don't take yourself too seriously. Not everyone enjoys your vibe, but you can’t please everyone, and those you do please get super attached. There are always hangers-on in the DMs. Still, you're a bit of a simp, not to mention the mummy issues. People seem to like having you around, though, except for when your minor oral fixation compels you to suckle on the nicotine teet of your mate’s vape.

Mostly C’s: Remote-controlled Couples Vibrator

You and your beloved seem lovely, but you're a bit codependent. You work well in theory, but in practice things get messy. You’re a bit of an adrenaline junkie, and it’s hard to find a partner to match your energy, but you’re practically attached at the hip. That being said, you're artsy, you’re daring, and you could probably snap a carrot with a kegel. But you’re useless on your own.

Mostly D’s: Giant Teardrop Glass Dildo

You've got an opulent aesthetic that practically glows. You can be cold at first to most people, but you warm up to them pretty quickly. Most of the time people think you're being rude to them when they wave to you on the street and you don't wave back, but it's usually just because you're way too stoned to notice them. Being chill suits you well, but this is a reminder to clean all the shit out of the bottom of your purse xx

Mostly E’s: Cock Ring

Most people don’t really get you, but it never bothers you. You know what feels good, and you always make time for yourself because you deserve it. Any room you enter becomes 5% freakier. You probably go commando regularly. You don’t have a favourite colour. You’re tossing up getting an unconventional piercing. No matter how the world looks at you, you know you are truly kenough.

Mostly F’s: Deluxe Cleaver Urethral Spreader

Don't talk to me or my urethra ever again. Are you in the music scene? Because it’s giving Dunedin Sound-ing.

FORGOTTEN YOUR NAME

I HAVE TAKEN YOUR HOODIE

THANKS FOR THE ROOT THOUGH

THE BEST WAYS TO LEAVE A ONE-NIGHT STAND

BY HARRIETTE BOUCHER

It’s late. You’re several standards deep and, in your quest to feel something even remotely close to human affection, you’ve gone home with a stranger you just met. Deeds are done, towels are wiped, snoozes are hastily had. And then comes the cold light of day, when you must reconcile the consequences of your actions. Or not! Here are a bunch of ways to get out of that awfully personal situation, ranked by how likely they are to succeed and also how morally permissible they are. Don’t try this at home. At least, not your home. Someone else’s home is critical.

IN A LITTLE ORANGE BOTTLE

Efficacy: 6/10. Assuming they don’t already have it. Morality: 8/10. At least you’re honest!

Few phrases strike more dread into any student’s heart than “I have scabies”. As the thought of all that lotion and trips to the laundromat take effect, you’re almost certain to face eviction from their bed. So this one actually makes it way easier for you, because you won’t have to worry about making them sad. Just angry. And that’s way easier. If the company of the hour is at yours, strategically place a bottle on your nightstand when the time has come for them to leave.

“I LOVE YOU”

Efficacy: 9/10. You will not hear from them again. Morality: 1/10. This is terrorism.

Few phrases strike more dread into any student’s heart than “I have scabies”, and this is one of them. Tell them you love them, tell them you want to meet their parents, plan a future, and then get the boot… or watch them disappear into a cloud of dust. This course of action is foolproof if your company is a BCom major, and nothing more than a cruel joke if they are lonely and looking for love. However! There is the small but incredibly significant risk of unexpected reciprocation, which would mean you need a nuclear option as a backup. Critic recommends faking your death and leaving the country.

IN THE DEAD OF THE NIGHT

Efficacy: 8/10. Silent but deadly. Morality: 2/10. Literally ghosting.

This tried-and-true approach ensures a hassle-free departure, sparing you from uncomfortable morning chit-chat and giving you the chance to relish the familiarity of your own bed. Practice responsible tourism in their bedroom like you would in the wilderness - take only memories, and leave only footprints. And STI’s, maybe. Hopefully not. It's cold and it’s harsh but it’s practical and swift, and isn’t that exactly how you want to be known?

BY MAKING YOURSELF THE MOST UNDESIRABLE GUEST

Efficacy: 9/10. Free rent!

Morality: 10/10. You’re demonstrating commitment.

Go absolutely nuts. Make yourself breakfast, sleep ‘til noon, have a bath, and overstay your welcome in every shape and form. Go big or don’t go home. This one requires time and energy but it comes with fringe benefits, such as a hearty bacon and eggs, a leisurely morning in bed, and a surefire guarantee that you won't be invited back.

FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I HAVE GHOSTED

Efficacy: 10/10. Nobody doubts a zealot. Morality: 0/10. Blasphemy.

A Sunday morning mass to avoid a Sunday morning mess. Seems convenient. Of course, God will know you’ve lied, and that you’ve had premarital sex. To make amends with Our Lord and Saviour, get down on your knees… and pray. 69 Hail Marys for you!

Efficacy: 9/10. This is probably overkill. Morality: 5/10. You’re honest but also an idiot.

You’re afraid of commitment, you need to work on yourself, blah blah blah. This failsafe has the ability to allow people to maintain situationships with no promise of commitment, and it can definitely get you out of the door unscathed. Don’t worry: you have a lot on your plate right now, and your three papers this semester are full on. Au revoir!

BY GOING TO THE NEXT BEDROOM

Efficacy: 10/10. Although you are still technically there.

Morality: 0/10. Double dipping.

Two birds, one flat. Escape to the next bedroom - you get points for scoring twice and deductions for being dishonorable. Let’s hope the flatties aren’t living by the “hoes before bros” mantra. You’ll be the scandal of their flat and the champion of yours. Roll the dice. High-risk, high-reward.

Efficacy: 9/10. Free rent!

Morality: 10/10. You’re demonstrating commitment.

They say the truth can set your heart free; I say it will get you home in the time for the morning flat debrief. Just be straight up with them, like you were straight down on them last night. They might appreciate your sincerity or spread tales of your bad manners. Radical, I know, but candidness is a virtue.

Efficacy: 10/10. You can use this nine times, per cat.

Morality: 6/10. Overused.

I’ve heard it earn deadline extensions, and it gets people off Saturday morning shifts. Would your one-night stand feel the same kind of sympathy? A dog is too major and a fish is too minor, but a cat has the perfect effect. Take their condolences, touch some wood, and hope that karma doesn't come back to bite. Also this may make you an enemy in the cat community, which isn’t great.

BY JUST BEING HONEST A POEM

Efficacy: 4/10. Better if paired with a midnight exit.

Morality: 10/10. What’s more moral than poetry?

There is no way more romantic to announce your departure than the age-old art of the written word. It is not a letter of rejection, but simply a Dickensian farewell. Put that pen to paper, and let flow a sonnet, a limerick, or even a haiku:

Forgotten your name

I have taken your hoodie Thanks for the root though

“SORRY, MY CAT DIED”

“I HAVE CHURCH”

“IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME”

MON 18TH SEPTEMBER - SUN 8TH OCTOBER

OUSA SURVEY BE IN TO WIN!

Galaxy XCover 5 Phone

New World Vouchers

Meridian Mall Vouchers

Dispensary Co ee Vouchers

Highlanders Signed Shirt

Cookie Time Cookies

bit.ly/ousasurvey23

Putting the ‘Fuck’ in Whakapapa

Nā Sky (Ngāti Hine, Ngāti Wai)

Art by Justina King

He's your cousin.

They say that forbidden fruit - or in this case, we’ll say kūmara - is the sweetest, and as someone who has, admittedly, done a double take at a few relations, I’ll be the first to concur. While we’ve come a long way from the mattress room (where tradition meets Tinder) and branched out beyond “most likely cousins” to “less likely cousins”, the lines are still quite blurred. So where does the gene pool get a little too shallow for comfort? How close is too close? Or, maybe more importantly, how far is far enough?

There’s a scene in Mean Girls where Karen Smith justifies getting with your cousin. And maybe she had a point. Yeah, it’s probably a pretty desperate move, but in some cases, it’s excusable. You didn’t hear it from me.

He's my first cousin.

Cast Māui’s fishing line and see Discover potential matches through analyses your whakapapa to find

Well, the first hurdle you'll encounter is the inevitable overlap. It's a small world out there, especially for Māori, and sooner or later you'll discover that your potential bedmates are, one way or another, connected through a complex web of whakapapa. So, before you get your hopes up, making sure your family trees don't intertwine like the vines of a kūmara patch is the first step. Do what you have to do. My advice? Ditch the Tinder bio and get straight to the point with a cultural checklist: we want eel-wrestling, top-knot-wearing, seafood-diving tāne out here. And wāhine mā, if he can sit on the pae, just swipe right. Extra points if he’s inked.

That’s a whole lot of admin, though. So to avoid this rigorous vetting process, some Māori have opted out altogether. Maru, a third-year student here in Ōtepoti, was quick to explain why. “I’ve actually had a few run-ins and it’s been tricky… I can never find someone that isn’t related to me, or, we’ve got some pretty colourful intertribal histories,” Maru said. “If I’m gonna take part in Family Feud, it’s gotta have a big cash prize at the end.”

But is there a better way? Oh, how the sparks would soar if a pristine match-making service came to our aid… think, something snazzy like ‘MāoriMingle’, where indigenous swipes meet

indigenous vibes. Cast Māui’s fishing line and see what kind of catch you reel in! Discover potential matches through a unique algorithm that analyses your whakapapa to find your star-crossed lover. Worried about meeting someone who might be hiding their true identity? MāoriMingle has a “taniwha tracker” feature to help spot potential impostors - if their taniwha doesn’t match the profile, you’ll know they’re fishy. Can you just imagine the tags? #whānau-oriented, or will it be #hakaenthusiast?

But on the other side of the kūmara patch, things are looking a little… mushy.

Maiao (Ngāti Maniapoto) has had her fair share of terrible online experiences, claiming the ‘name game’ and severe cultural cringe. “I get it, some people don’t get around much. But so many folks out there have barely spoken to a brown person, let alone dated one,” she said. “When it starts to feel like you’re a walking cultural exhibit on the first date, there probably won’t be a second.” And in the age of digital dating, Māori singles must master the delicate art of balancing traditional values with the swipes of destiny. One moment you're at a whānau hui (family gathering), being questioned about marriage and graduation by Aunty Bubbles, and the next, you're swiping left on a potential Pākehā partner with mediocre rizz,

what kind of catch you reel in! through a unique algorithm that find your star-crossed lover.

asking what their favourite colour is while they try to prove how culturally sensitive they are. But where are the brown-skinned beauties, inked and toned, cheeky laughs and all?

And let's not forget the social media scrutiny. The FBI (aunties) will make sure your online presence will be picked through with a fine-toothed comb. That cheeky post you made in 2016 about your dislike for kina? Yeah, that's going to come back to haunt you. Prepare for a thorough grilling by the Vetting Committee (again, aunties), who will demand an explanation for your apparent disrespect of one of Aotearoa's finest delicacies. Speaking of delicacies, I just know that Hinemoa would have some pretty strong thoughts about what we Māori consider ‘chivalry’ nowadays considering she literally swam to Mokoia for Tūtānekai. Clearly, he was quite the catch. Don’t even get me started on Kahungunu. Just an aside, but what I wouldn’t give to see his Tinder profile.

But in the grand scheme of things, it sounds like this dating shit was just easier when sex wasn’t taboo and marriages were arranged. In most cases, premarital sex was encouraged and carried no stigma. And while arranged marriages were common within Māori communities, elders and leaders of the hapū often played a leading role in selecting suitable partners based on compatibility, lineage, and social status. Though these unions

were not solely based on seduction, there was great emphasis on creating strong alliances and maintaining social cohesion. And there was certainly flirtation and courtship. These often involved the exchange of songs, poetry (waiata), and meaningful gifts.

I hate to be that person, but it sounds so much better than today’s hookup horrors. Imagine thinking you’re leaving your small hometown and clan of cousins behind, only to chat up a bunch of distant relatives in a different city. Bringing a whole different meaning to ‘long-distance relationships’ as if it weren’t already bad enough. Clearly, we’re experiencing a kūmara shortage.

But it all depends on the size of your rāks (wallet), as it seems that cousinly love is only acceptable if you’re white AND incredibly wealthy. Just look at the divide between all sorts of Royals and the people of Alabama: one was revered for ‘maintaining a pure bloodline’, while Alabamians are referred to as white trash rednecks. #JusticeForAlabama. I wonder what other immoral shit you can get away with if you’re exponentially wealthy. Maybe these folks need to have a squiz on Tinder, because Ancestry.com just doesn’t hit like it used to.

So who cares if you’re from the same iwi? Find the Philip to your Lizzy, and swipe responsibly, e te iwi.

weeklyspecials

SOMETHING TO WATCH

Mike Tyson Mysteries

Ok hear me out; Scooby Doo but on Adult Swim, and starring Mike Tyson playing an animated version of himself. It is totally unhinged, brilliantly funny, and pretty dark at times. The characters also include Tyson’s adopted daughter, the ghost of an old Marquess, an alcoholic, sexist middle-aged man in the body of a Pigeon, and Tyson’s agent. Rhys Darby also makes an appearance as a pool boy. Mike Tyson is, well, terriblemixing up a chess grandmaster with a KKK Grand Wizard, taking baths of oatmeal, and pronouncing everyone’s names wrong. It’s a brilliant watch stoned.

SOMETHING TO READ

Political party manifestos

It might seem excruciatingly boring, but one of the best things you can do for yourself before voting this election is pulling out the full manifestos of any parties you are considering voting for and having a read through. Close your eyes and imagine what the country might look like if all of these happen, does it seem like a better world? Is it clear and detailed enough to actually imagine? Or is it a dumpster fire? If it’s a dumpster fire, maybe have a good think come October 14.

SOMETHING TO LISTEN TO

Any of the Spongebob Squarepants background music while you’re doing your admin

If you’re a social anxiety baddie, this one's for you. Spongebob Relaxing Music & Waves

Ambience on YouTube or any other similar long-form edits of the ‘Bob’s theme songs really make you feel like you’re walking through a cute little video game, when actually you’re just at the supermarket buying frozen fish and mould killer. Alternatively, all of the Super Mario 64 ambience music by scrapper9000 goes crazy. Don’t talk to me, I’m listening to ‘Jolly Roger Bay 10 Hours’.

SOMETHING TO GO TO

Radio

One Market Day

Market Day is back! The last time I went I bought so many cute little earrings, stickers, and other crafts and it’s genuinely so cool to see the creative stuff some of us are capable of making, and willing to sell them to us for pretty dang cheap. There will be live music and hopefully some kai too. Hopefully the forecast changes though, because it’s meant to be happening on Union Lawn.

SOMETHING TO SUPPORT

The baby in Australia that got named Methamphetamine Rules (look it up)

Lil’ baby Methy is going to need all the support we can give it.

SOMETHING TO CANCEL

Unipol bathroom speakers

The Unipol bathroom speakers sound fucking possessed. Demonic. Look, I know the Uni doesn’t have a whole lot of loose change at the moment, but can they please at least invest in some new speakers? The music playing from them is so staticky it feels like I’m shitting in the Upside Down from Stranger Things. I could barely tell if the song that was playing the other day was ‘Knees’ by Ocean Alley or ‘Glimmer’ by Mako Road - although that’s not saying much, really.

Mixtape featuring: Allophones; beet-wix; Calla; Cuck; E-Kare; Fairuza; Francisca Griffin & the Bus Shelter Boys; Heinous Coup; HŌHĀ; Hystera; Jesse Dekel; Keira Wallace; Mads Harrop; Neive Strang; Paradox Princess; Robots in Love.

As the end of the year draws close, it’s the perfect time to sum up Ōtepoti’s musical releases – and the Ōtepoti Music Compilation (ŌMC) is doing just that. Critic Te Ārohi caught up with organiser Alex Huber, about the upcoming project.

ŌMC brings together sixteen wāhine and gender-diverse led artists from Ōtepoti. The musicians span a range of genres, from emerging to established, capturing a musical snapshot of the current Ōtepoti music scene. In what is essentially (and literally) a mixtape, you can find the compilation digitally on Bandcamp, and physically as a cassette.

Alex Huber is a long-time member of the Ōtepoti music scene. They cite an Attic gig as the first Dunedin gig they attended, while they were still in high school. Two years ago, after living overseas, Alex returned and started playing in the four-piece band, Hystera. Alex not only plays gigs, but also plans gigs and is one half of Syrup Bois, a YouTube channel that film and record live performances by local bands in the comfort of the founders’ homes.

The idea for ŌMC came to Alex at one of their Hystera gigs while in conversation with Chris Wilson, another local musician and supporter of the scene. In 2021, Chris put together the New Dunedin Music Compilation, featuring a whopping 29 musicians from the DIY scene. Last May, Alex began the task of putting together a current compilation entirely of wāhine, non-binary and trans- musicians performing in Ōtepoti.

The ŌMC is a celebration of the current gender diversity of the music scene here. “There’s so many really awesome female and gender-diverse acts in Dunedin at the moment,” shares Alex. “Over the last couple of years, it’s snowballed. It’s really awesome to see.” Alex’s goal in bringing wāhine and gender-diverse musicians to the forefront is to ensure the Ōtepoti music scene is inclusive of everyone. The ŌMC also confronts the entrenched issue of music scenes usually being cis-male dominated spaces. Although ŌMC is proof there is a stellar range of diverse performers operating here, issues still proliferate. In Ōtepoti, this can be touring acts or large events overlooking women and gender-diverse musicians, to women and gender-diverse individuals not feeling as comfortable as men in men-dominated music spaces.

Putting together the ŌMC has been a community effort. The costs to cover mastering, artwork and producing the cassettes were crowdfunded. Alex describes the show of support as amazing. “I think people are just really behind it because there’s not a lot in the Dunedin music scene that’s specifically geared towards this group of people.” Emily Wheatcroft-Snape is mastering the compilation, continuing the kaupapa of the project – supporting wāhine in the music industry. Jess Covell, Ōtepoti’s Boosted mentor, was also integral in aiding Alex with the crowdfunding process and supporting the project.

All profits from the purchasing of the compilation will go directly back to the contributing artists. The cassette release coincides

with the DIY spirit of the scene as well as nostalgia for Alex, who grew up on cassettes. “I wanted it to be an aesthetically pleasing object as well as a lovely sounding object.” Alex is also making a zine to release alongside it, featuring lyrics, artwork and poetry by the musicians involved.

The ŌMC celebrates its release with a double launch party on Saturday 11 November. There will be an all-ages gig at Yours, followed by an R18 gig at The Crown, featuring performances from a number of the acts involved in the compilation

Keep up with the release on Instagram: @otepotimusiccompilation.

SOFT SHELL TACOS

While we’re on the Mexican buzz, here's another mouth tingler to try out while avos are in season and the weather is warming up. Stay burrito-ful. This meal pairs nicely with Bohemian Wrap-sidy.

INGREDIENTS:

Soft shell tacos

700g chicken breast

Packet of mexican taco seasoning

Can of corn kernels (uncreamed)

2 ripe avos

1 small red onion

DIRECTIONS:

1 lemon

1 generous drizzle of sweet chilli/sriracha/ chilli flakes

Salt Pepper Oil

Cut up the chicken breasts into bite-sized chunks. Add the taco seasoning and mix well until the chicken is semi covered with the spices. Add salt and pepper and let the chicken sit.

De-pip the avos and scoop the avo into a large bowl with a spoon. Use a fork to mash the avos into a paste. Dice the red onion very finely and add that in too. Squeeze the juice of the lemon into the bowl and mix well. I have found that adding a drizzle of sweet chilli or sriracha gives the guac a mean depth of flavour, but it’ll still be tasty without.

Drain the corn kernels into a sieve and wash water through them until the brine is washed off. Add them to a small pan over medium heat just by themselves and keep stirring occasionally. They will char nicely. Then take them off the heat and wait to serve. You can add chilli flakes or powder to these if you want a kick.

Cook the chicken in a large oiled pan over medium heat until the chicken is cooked through. Stir every minute or so to prevent the sides of the chicken burning.

To plate up, add a generous amount of guac to the taco and smear it with a spoon. Add the chicken and corn on top and boom. Flavour town. Enjoy.

BOOZE REVIEW

BY ALBERT EINSTEINLAGER

Nola's Rich Ruby

Are you a dignified son of a gun? One that skirts around the false perimeters that society places upon individuals? Constantly on guard for the street corners in which you protect? If that sounds like you, you’re likely a fortified wine drinker. We are a put-upon caste of people. Burdened with the title of alcoholic for merely enjoying the cheap delights of blood red wine. I recall my father referring to bottom shelf sherry as “the stuff that alcoholics drink”. Well father, I am sorry to disappoint, but I’m a bottom shelf Dandy.

Nola’s Rich Ruby is a damned fine ruby red port. It touts a humble experience at a modest price, and it delivers terrific quality. Nola does not reinvent the cask of port, but instead reinforces the fundamentals of a good port: cheap and tasty. A bottle of Nola’s stands as a black monolith, and a glass sits as a deep cherry red, the transformative colour feels like a made deal to enjoy the bottle through the sum of its parts. I expected this to be a peer of Purple Death, but it blows that Grimace-fuck right to smithereens.

The cherry is nice and deep in flavour, showing some level of complexity while offering up something relatively simple. Whether you want to waffle a load of wank about the complexities of your 750ml $13 bottle of port or purely wish to

imbibe, Nola’s offers an avenue for both types of drinkers. You could take this to a professor's house for dinner and impress all with your ability to juggle student poverty with budding aristocracy.

In true student fashion, the real draw is not the 750ml $13 bottle, but rather the 1.5L $22 megajug of the Rich Ruby. A fucking stupid amount of good port for cheap. If you’re drinking a litre and a half of this stuff, you’re going to paint your teeth permanently red. Show up to your BYO with a 1.5L bottle of port and ruin everyone’s night as you pair a shitty curry with 16 standard drinks.

A good bottle of port is a pleasure to have. Bring it out to impress guests or use it to beef up your cooking. While Nola’s Rich Ruby may not be a classically “good” bottle of port, it is not a poor substitute. If you are yet to sample the complexity of flavour that a glass of fortified wine boasts, Nola’s is a noble start.

Tasting notes: I believe that to be… fruit.

Chugability: 1/10. Yeah bro let’s funnel this port.

Hangover depression level: 9/10. It’s still red wine after all.

Overall: 7/10. Fuckin give 'er her a hoon aye.

it’s taking everything in me to not book a one-way ticket out of this hellhole town, or, for that matter, just burn it down. Orb, am I being overdramatic? How can I be more rational? Are these feelings normal?

Sincerely, someone who has been drinking too much haterade.

Birth Date: 28/02/2000, 12:34pm Location: Dunedin

SUN: MOON: RISING:

PISCES SAGITTARIUS SAGITTARIUS

Sun determines your ego and identity.

Having a Pisces sun means you’re creative, imaginative and sensitive. You often spend your days daydreaming and dissociating, and you find comfort near bodies of water. You care for those closest to you, but can be dramatic or self-centered at times.

Moon determines your inner emotions and subconscious.

Having a Sagittarius moon means you crave adventure and experience. You’re up for anything, and love meeting new people and exploring new places. You're a lifelong learner, but at times, you can be irrational, non-committal and may be susceptible to bad habits.

Oh deary me,

Your rising sign is your outward persona and how you express yourself to the world.

Having a Sagittarius rising means you are charismatic, outgoing and are always having a laugh. You enjoy being out in the world, and make friends easily. At times you can be considered obnoxious, or overly opinionated.

It seems we have an unstable Sag on our hands, and truthfully, that’s good for absolutely nobody. In your twenties, it’s totally normal to crave change and question whether you're on the right path. Given you have both a Sag rising and Sag moon, it’s no surprise you feel suffocated and frustrated. The sign of Sagittarius is often associated with travel and adventure, so this is perhaps why you feel such a sudden urge to get the fuck out of this sleepy little seaside town. These placements, coupled with your Pisces sun are leaving you in a puddle of feelings - something you will never escape. Your Pisces sun is giving you a great sense of delusion and causing you to daydream about greener pastures while crying about the present. Given that Pisces is a water sign, and Sag is a fire sign, it’s not shocking that you feel the need to simultaneously wail while burning the entire city down. Honestly, I doubt these feelings will leave you anytime soon, but you need to be realistic. Go and sit by a body of water, plan out your goals and dreams, manifest as a form of empowerment rather than escapism. Remember that brighter and more exciting times are ahead, it may just take a little while to get there.

In the meantime, try not to scream at strangers or commit acts of vandalism.

XOXO, Orbtago

AQUARIUS PISCES ARIES

Aquarius, this coming period of your life will bring about questioning, selfreflection, and a desire for change. Remember to not shy away from these feelings, as they will serve for the best in the long run.

Sexy activity for the week: Engaging in selfrespect.

TAURUS

You need to accept the fact that you’ve been struggling spiritually. It’s time to reflect, reconsider, and re-evaluate some of your life choices, and rely on those who are close to you.

Sexy activity of the week: Crying.

Physically, you’re here; mentally, you’re living in the land of delusion and vivid imagination. Honestly, you should just stay there. Reality and logic are for losers anyway.

Sexy activity for the week: Daydreaming about your perfect partner.

Mar

19 Apr 20 – May 20 GEMINI May 21 – Jun 20

Aries, you need to give up the facade you’re portraying. No one likes a fake, and people can see right through it.

Sexy activity of the week: Hooking up with your work crush.

Shut the fuck up.

Sexy activity of the week: Getting an STI check.

It’s time to find the love of your life. You’re hot, fun, and no one can tell you otherwise. Now is prime time to jump into the pool of romance and desire.

Sexy activity of the week: Working through your roster.

VIRGO Aug 23 – Sep 22

Stop thinking about your ex, and don’t give into temptation. Try to remember how much they gave you the ick, or their mummy issues. Now is not the time to be romanticising the past.

Sexy activity of the week: Hooking up with a stranger in the Carousel bathrooms.

LIBRA

Normalise having boundaries with people. Sometimes you can be a bit fucking weird.

Sexy activity of the week: Watching porn with the flat.

Sep 23 – Oct 22

Embrace anxiety and remember that nothing really is the end of the world. It’s normal to worry and feel nervous at times, but don’t let these feelings overtake you. Practice balance and positive affirmations.

Sexy activity of the week: Visiting your therapist.

SCORPIO Oct 23 – Nov 21

Scorpio, there’s a reason you find yourself alone all the time. It’s because your expectations are unreasonable, and you can be mildly insufferable. Try loosening up a little more, and being open to others.

Sexy activity of the week: Sleeping with someone who’s not your ‘type’.

You’re feeling restless and are craving tumultuous activity. Follow your spiritual desires. Go book some flights, make some bad decisions, and abandon all sense of logic and reason.

Sexy activity of the week: Masturbating with diverse household objects.

It’s been a rough fucking year for you. Time to put those well-worn feet up and have a rest. Order yourself a delish meal, and try to experience happiness and a sense of comfort.

Sexy activity of the week: Finding a turn on that isn’t the sound of your own voice.

This was back in the first-year days in halls when your love life was dictated by visiting hours. Forced to come up with some interesting solutions, I never had the balls to sneak people in. As the average beezy does when bored, I hit up a guy (let’s call him Adam). Adam had a car and we decided on a late night drive around Dunedin. After pulling up to a few different spots that were too crowded for us we picked a random empty park. We parked up and had a quick yarn before getting straight down to business. Next thing I knew my jeans and thong were on the floor and I was riding him in the driver's seat.

Things were getting hot and heavy when all of a sudden a pair of headlights pull up right next to our car. We pause mid fuck and hope that the car will turn their lights off or leave so we can get back down to it. Wow, were we wrong. A security guard in a high viz vest steps out of the car and starts walking over to us. I was shitting myself thinking I was about to be arrested.

the waist down. The security guy knocked on the window and we had no time to make ourselves decent so decided to stay in the position hoping he didn’t look down.

We rolled the window down to talk, and it turns out he was just locking up the reserve's car park and wanted us to leave. Once he was back in his car we quickly jumped in our own seats, wanting to get away quickly. I was struggling to get my pants back on turning bright red from embarrassment, and Adam couldn’t stop laughing. He thought the whole situation was hilarious while I was mortified. I thought the mood was completely killed and wanted to go back to the hall. When he dropped me back to the hall, I made the walk of shame past my RA regretting my life choices. Moral of the story, choose wisely where you park up for sex.

Have something juicy to tell us? Send your salacious stories to moaningful@critic.co.nz. Submissions remain anonymous.

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