Issue 06, 2010

ISSUE 06 / APRIL 12 / 2010

I AL

DIT O R

18 SNAKE OIL? Stoppin that pill poppin natural stylez

24 BLACK & BLUE

ONT P

Depression, anxiety, and what to do about them

28 CRITIC'S WORKOUT GUIDE Just Do It

O FI LE

U AT RES

31 SOAP BOX

C K PA GE

BA 32 COLUMNS

45 GAMES 41 BOFS

46 MUSIC 42 LETTERS

48 FILM

50 BOOKS

52 PERFORMANCE

53 ART

Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, Planet Media, or OUSA. Press Council: people with a complaint against a newspaper should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary, PO Box 10-879 The Terrace, Wellington. 05

ealthy Lifestyles Week is on. We can thank OUSA for this. Remember: eat good and do exercise and don’t smoke. Push play. Get your heart rate up. It’s a good cause and students would do well to heed the message. We even show you ways to break a sweat on campus in a handy workout

guide on p28. However, the thing that got my heart rate up is an article in last week’s Sunday StarTimes about how bars in police stations do not have to comply with the Sale of Liquor Act. Uh, what? Firstly: police stations have bars?! And they like, don’t have rules? The same applies to the Fire Service and the Defence Force. Last year the Law Commission reviewed the Act and concluded that it was stupid that these bars were exempt as the law “should apply equally to all.” This was not well received by the police. They want to keep getting drunk on their own terms while holding us to a whole other standard – the law. Next time they jump up and down about the Cook I’m going to be a lot more cynical. The union representing police officers said any attempts to crack down on their unregulated piss-ups would be “a matter of considerable concern.” “Without the exemption, the continued existence of the vast majority of (if not all) police bars would be impossible,” the association submitted. Um, so what? President Greg O’Connor told the Star-Times it was essential for officers to have somewhere they could relax and socialise with their workmates without being used as “bait” by the public. The police have stressful jobs. I get that. But so do lots of other people, and when they want to unwind after a hard day at the office they are expected to do so according to New Zealand’s laws. The fact that the police get to drink in a fashion that the rest of can’t is unfair. The fact that police often lead the charge in cracking down on the legal establishments that we students drink at make this all the more outrageous. The police have an unhealthy image problem with Otago students. They make no secret of the fact that they don’t like us. This is demonstrated every year when the chief of police pops up all angry-looking on the front page of the ODT at the start of every Orientation and says ‘watch out or we’ll own you.’ Dunedin police harass students and student bars during Orientation, but our behaviour was a bloody-sight better than what the Star-Times reports their colleagues have gotten up to. “For decades police bars, where drinks are usually far cheaper than they would be at a public bar, have drawn criticism over bad behaviour, including an incident last year when a police recruit was convicted of assault after hitting another recruit with a bottle in a police bar.” In 2005 a policeman put a policewomen in a neck-hold in a Christchurch police station bar and in 2004 nine Hastings officers were warned after being caught drinking in the police bar when they should have been on patrol the paper reported. To many students, police look like bullies and often make them feel uncomfortable, rather than safe when they patrol the streets at night. Of course, the police were out in force again at the student-organised event aimed at ‘saving’ Gardies. Ben Sullivan, the photographer we sent along was told by a police officer to stop taking photos of them. Which is ridiculous. When he, rightly, refused the police officer went and found the police camera and started taking photos of him. WTF? The ODT don’t have to put up with this shit. But then their photographers don’t look like students. And that’s the point. They just don’t like us. And it’s annoying. And it sucks that they get special (hypocritical?) treatment. The whole thing is unhealthy. Hope your Easter break was good. Did you enjoy the Catlins? We’ve got a new sex column starting today. It’s on p33. And a guide to what is happening on campus each week on p12. Hope you like it.

Critic – Te Arohi PO Box 1436, Dunedin (03) 479 5335 critic@critic.co.nz www.critic.co.nz Editor in Chief: Ben Thomson Designer in Chief: Gala Hesson Creative Director: Dreke Verkuylen Features Writers: Susan Smirk Caitlyn O’Fallon Thomas redford News Editor: Gregor Whyte News Reporters: Rory MacDonald Julia Hollingsworth Sub Editor: Marie Hodgkinson Music Editor: Simon Wallace Film Editor: Max Segal Books Editor: Jonathan Jong Performance Editor: Jen Aitken And a substantial army of volunteers. Advertising:

Kate Kidson, Tim Couch, Dave Eley Ad. Designer: Daniel Alexander PH: (03)4795361 kate@planetmedia.co.nz WWW. planetmedia.co.nz 07

Godhand=awesome. Numbers

Critic’s Birthday goes unnoticed…

What’s this going to do for morale?

really, we were just joking …

Mas Oyama is a martial arts master who became famous for killing bulls by punching them in the face. Oyama, the founder of the Kyokushinaki style of full-contact, kickyou-in-the-scrote karate, started his personal quest to become a one-man human abattoir while growing up in Korea in the 1930s. This guy killed three outright with one punch, a feat that earned him the completely-awesome nickname “The Godhand,” and defeated 49 more by either wrestling them to the turf, or chopping off their horns with a well-placed, iron-plated judo chop. Interesting hobby.

Critic turned 85 years old on Good Friday, but none of you noticed or cared enough to say happy birthday, not even on Facebook. Critic itself is so old and doddery that we passed the anniversary muttering to ourselves in a darkened room on our favourite rocking chair. We will however celebrate our Birthday properly in August. It’s tradition. We have no idea why.

40 percent of women have hurled footwear at men. 4.63 million people followed @aplusk, Ashton Kutcher’s twitter account, in 2009. Ashton is Twitter’s most followed user. 27000: the number of taste buds the catfish has. 10: the age Justin Timberlake was when he won the 1991 pre-teen Mr. America pageant. The following year, he became the first male winner of America’s Universal Charm pageant. 26: the number of calories burnt during a one minute kiss.

Soldiers at military bases in Afghanistan are preparing to say goodbye to their fast-food joints. Burger King and Pizza Hutt are among the non-essential luxuries to get the chop, with Dairy Queen and movie previews soon to follow. Soldiers are apparently being reminded that they are at war and not “in an amusement park.”

A local newspaper in Jordan ran a newspaper article about an extra-terrestrial visit that sparked public panic and almost led to the town’s emergency evacuation. The article was a fake, run as a joke for April Fool’s Day. For what are now obvious reasons, Jordan’s newspapers rarely publish April Fool’s jokes.

Bigshot proves uncreative S/He’s back

Quote

Yale knows the way

Hefner considers marriage to

woman his own age!

Manuel V. Pangilinan, a very prominent Philippine businessman, had a slight slipup at the graduation ceremony for the Ateneo de Manila University, of which he was a board member. Pangilinan, giving the graduation speech, managed to plagiarise a startlingly wide variety of people in his speech. Those whose words he ripped off included Barack Obama, J. K. Rowling, Conan O’Brien, and Oprah Winfrey. Those who heard the speech reported it as a very moving and inspirational tale of Pangilinan’s struggle as a poor black solo parent juggling being a part-time writer, comedian, chat-show host, and leader of the free world while raising a hungry child in a cold Scottish flat.

Yale completed a very successful student census, drawing an astounding 94.6 percent participation rate from its undergraduate students. Their secret? Starve them out. Students were ‘encouraged to participate’ by being informed that they would be denied access to dining halls if they didn’t. OUSA could learn a few things come election time.

Caster Semenya, the South African Olympic women’s 800-metre champion, is ready to return to competition – according to her lawyers, anyway. Semenya, who has been embroiled in a gender controversy since her Olympic win, is to return at a competition in Spain in June, after being blocked from competing in South Africa while gender tests are analysed to determine whether she can legally compete as a woman.

“The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.” - George Bernard Shaw

Just kidding. Actually, the Playboy mogul is considering marrying his 23-year-old girlfriend, Crystal Harris. At the ripe old age of 83, Hefner feels he might be ready to give marriage a try again, after three previous failures. The 60-year age difference is understandably not a concern for Hefner. The fact that Hefner is loaded is understood to be equally unconcerning for Harris.

The man who sold Gardies to the University has spoken exclusively to Critic about why he packed it in and what he thinks of the new owners. Owner and manager Peter Innes-Jones was hoping for a sale that might have kept the Gardies alive and described the loss as “tragic.” Innes-Jones was forced to sell after a decline in customers over the last couple of years, and a noticeable downturn in the start of this year. “We tried to be aggressive … but we just couldn’t find ways of getting you guys [students] into the place.” But Innes-Jones, who’s been with Gardies since 1992, is not laying the blame on disinterested first-years. “[Alcohol] is a price-driven market … the emphasis is to sauce up at home, and come to bars later … from what I’ve heard, there is a 90 percent consumption of alcohol from supermarkets/bottle stores, and only 10 percent from bars.” Gardies has been hit by local and national laws governing liquor sales, specifically being denied a late license because of its proximity to a residential area, and facing the issue of ever-tightening restrictions on alcohol promotion. “There are two clearly defined sets of laws for selling off-license, which is supermarkets, and on-license, which is bars, and it’s killing

Photos: ben sullivan

us. It’s illegal for us to promote a second drink, but if a supermarket wants to go to war with another supermarket, it brings out a $10 dozen … and bars have to deal with the aftermath of $9.99 dozens.” According to the real estate agent, Gardies was a popular sale item, with over ten groups expressing interest in the property. However, no offer ever came close to the University’s, which is estimated at around $1.6 million. No one that Critic spoke to would comment on the selling price. The sale will be finalised on Wednesday. In a brief statement, the University stated that Gardies was in a “strategic position” that the University “required for its developments.” No decisions had been made regarding the use of the land at time of print, and the University was said to be in the process of taking recommendations for uses of the land. The statement did point out that it would cease operation as a bar, and this was reiterated in the Otago Daily Times by University spokesperson Megan McPherson. “I would have liked somebody who backed themselves to upgrade this place and continue it as a pub,” Innes-Jones says. “But the Varsity at the end of the day was the only serious contender ... but if [it] thinks

Castle St is going to grow up because the Gardies is gone … the Varsity needs to grow up a bit too.” The ‘last hurrah’ for Gardies, organised on by students Facebook, attracted a lively and capacity crowd to the bar on Monday March 29. Ultimately, though, it was not enough to save the pub from the University property acquisition machine. The sale comes despite severe opposition from current and ex-students and patrons, even prompting three current university students to make an appeal to others to help raise the money needed to buy the pub. Notwithstanding a large amount of media attention, the appeal never really got its feet off the ground, despite guidance from exstudent and Scarfie poster boy Marc Ellis, who offered his company to help facilitate a bank loan. One of the students, second-year Physical Education Student Blake Luff, told the ODT he had almost cried when he heard the Gardies had gone to the University. “I was pretty gutted, pretty distraught when I heard. My flatmates were almost in tears, and I was not far from tears myself.” Log on to facebook.com/critictearohi for all the latest breaking news alerts delivered straight to your news feed.

The date for submissions to the Education and Science Select Committee has passed, and they certainly got a fair volume of them with around 3,000 getting sent in. The University of Otago, OUSA, and the New Zealand Union of Student Associations (NZUSA) were among them, but of these the submission of the University was by far the most surprising. Indeed, the University submission was positively glowing in its support for the continuation of the current system of membership. Among the multitude of points it made against the Education (Freedom of Association) Bill, the University stated categorically that it would never be able to provide the level of services OUSA does without a massive increase in costs to

students, and that the services provided are “are clearly all of direct benefit to the student community, the University and the community at large.” Among the most telling points in the four-page submission was the paragraph addressing the relationship between OUSA and the University, which stated that while the relationship between the two was at times strained, it did not see the potential stifling of the student body’s voice as a positive. “While some might be tempted to see this as convenient, we would regard it as unhealthy: just as democratic society should embrace the notion of contrary views being strongly put and debated, so this University – as a community in the broadest sense – is committed to open debate and the

questioning of conventional and majority points of view.” Who knew, they really loved OUSA all along. In comparison, the OUSA submission wasn’t quite as exciting: fairly standard lines about the mandate of OUSA as an elected body, providing valuable services, and so on, were all rolled out. It did, however, provide a comprehensive list of all the good things OUSA actually does, which was actually quite an eye-opener. It was 16 pages long, so that gives you the gist. That 16 pages soon seemed a mere trifle when we opened the NZUSA submission. 64 pages. And that was the first document of five they sent us. We have no idea what most of it says because we didn’t get past the table of contents, but we can guess, and so can you.

Despite a “damning” fire report on March 19, Sammy’s has beaten the odds and re-opened, much to the delight of its beleaguered owners and patrons. On Wednesday April 7, Sammy’s announced on its Facebook page it will be reopened with a temporary capacity of 250 until it can install a new fire system. This announcement comes as a welcome relief to many musicians and music fans around Dunedin and New Zealand, who were gutted that the beloved venue was temporarily shut down. The Facebook post read “CHECK! DCC sweet as a nut.. we rollin again.. its

official.. to a capacity of 250.. until we have it (fire system) installed.. Can I get a Whoop Whoop! [sic].” Sammy’s received 52 ‘Whoop Whoops’ on this post, testament to how much they were missed while they were closed down. However, the 250 capacity limit means that larger scale events, such as Grad Party, are going to find it difficult to get clearance to use Sammy’s, and so may still have to look elsewhere for venues to host their events. This reduced figure of 250 is also going to mean that local promoters will be less likely to bring international acts to Sammy’s,

and will also need to look elsewhere for a venue, at least until the automated system is installed. Sam Chin, whose family owns Sammy’s, told the Otago Daily Times he wants to see the venue continue. “Now the shock of it is all over, we will just have to put things in place and get the place up and running. My family has got the money ... we will pay for it. We want it to carry on,” he said. The next scheduled event at Sammy’s is the Wellington International Ukulele Orchestra on Friday April 23.

Monday u First semester resumes u Launch of Healthy Lifestyles Week Free Yoga, 7-9pm, Clubs and Societies

u Skeletal muscle blood flow: resolving the structure of its dynamic response during exercise Dr Simon Green (Physiology), 1pm, Hercus D’Ath Lecture Theatre, Great King St

Tuesday u College Swimming Sports 7-9pm, Moana Pools

u ‘Genetics loads the gun but the environment pulls the trigger’ – Genetics of heart disease, a progress report. 12pm, 710 Cumberland St

Wednesday u Bike and Skate Rally 1pm, OUSA Main Office

u Sounds of the Human World: Globalising Buddhist Music as an Expression of Spirituality Religion Research Seminar and Asian Studies Seminar by Dr Hwee-San Tan, 12pm, Castle D

Thursday u OUSA Market Day u ‘Doctors Not Guns - Cuban medical Aid in Haiti and around the world’ Professor Odalys Lopez (Sarmiento of the Senior Vocational School for Exact Sciences, Vladimir Ilich Lenin, Cuba), 1pm, Archway 3

u Why Media is Public Health Professor Vic Strasburger (Professor of Pediatrics, and Professor of Family & Community Medicine, University of New Mexico School of Medicine), 4pm, Room 033, Ground Floor, Adams Buidling

Friday u Potato Picnic 12.30-1.30pm, Union Lawn

u The Economic Consequences of ‘Brain Drain’ of the Best and Brightest: Microeconomic Evidence from Five Countries Economics Seminar, 3pm, Room CO5.20, Level 5, Commerce Building

This week is OUSA Healthy Lifestyles Week, running from April 12 to 16. During the week, a number of free activities to promote healthy lifestyle choices will take place, ranging from yoga, to Zumba, to cooking demonstrations. The week will kick off on Monday with a free yoga class at the Clubs and Socs building. On Tuesday, students can get free soup, followed by free Zumba. At night, the annual College swimming sports competition, and hopefully some College pride, will be on display at Moana Pool. Wednesday is bike day, featuring a “bike and skateboard rally” in which bikers and skateboarders will circuit the campus. As an added highlight, one of the OUSA staff has allegedly never skateboarded in her life and will be taking part on a borrowed board. At night, a free break-dancing class will take place in the Union Hall. Thursday’s Market Day will include vege sculptures, cooking demonstrations, and

health information. In addition, another yoga session and a bottle buy-back will both take place. Friday finishes with a bang, with a “Potato Picnic” at which students can try potatoes cooked in a variety of different ways, and receive the recipes to try themselves. During the whole week, free “Fitness for Fun” classes will take place at Unipol. Additionally the sauna at Clubs and Socs will be free, along with pool, snooker, squash court hire, and guitar hire. OUSA Events Coordinator Kitty Brown says the week tries to incorporate many different ideas of what healthy living is. “After the hectic settling-in period that begins with OUSA Orientation, OUSA’s Healthy Lifestyles Week is a great chance for all students to access information, set priorities and form lasting good habits.” This year is the Week’s third anniversary, and is part of OUSA’s desire to promote a balanced lifestyle for students.

The 2009 crime statistics of Dunedin have been released by Police, with some fairly uninteresting results. Figures show a reduction of 0.3 percent in recorded offences for the 2009 period in the Dunedin compared to 2008 figures. Even though an overall reduction in crime was recorded in Dunedin, there was still an increase in family violence (2.4 percent in Dunedin). These results are consistent with national averages, and the increase in reporting could be due to a number of reasons, police say. “Media

campaigns over recent years have encouraged a reduced tolerance of family violence and many people may now be reporting to Police family violence offences which in the past may not have come to Police attention.” Closer to home, local community constables in Dunedin have also been tasked with reducing willful damage in their patch, which includes providing crime prevention advice to property owners at risk. Presumably that includes the student area, so watch out when stealing those road signs and letterboxes.

The University has made significant changes to its Academic Progress Policy and has introduced a Health Declaration. Firstly, the Academic Progress policy is now a two-year process, rather than taking the three years the process previously lasted. All students enrolled at the University of Otago are expected to perform at a “satisfactory academic level,” which the policy defines as “passing half or more of the points enrolled for in a calendar year.” If a student fails half or more of the points that they are enrolled for they will be placed under “conditional enrollment,” and can only enroll in the subsequent academic year with the course advisor’s approval. If the student again fails half or more of their papers, the student will be suspended from enrollment for two successive calendar years. Furthermore, the policy now applies to students transferring from other universities. When a student transfers they are now assessed against the policy, just as Otago students are: if they have failed more than half their papers, they too will be placed under conditional enrollment. Similarly, if the student has been suspended from

enrollment at their prior university, they will not be able to transfer to Otago until the suspension has passed. The University claims that this tightening of standards balances the need to assist struggling students with the need to maintain high quality qualifications at the University. The University will continue to give “constructive support” to help students improve, including careful planning with an advisor of studies. The second change is the Health Declaration, which the University has introduced for students to use when they apply for special consideration in both internal assessments and exams. Rather than use an ordinary medical certificate, students are now required to use the Health Declaration, which is more tailored towards the specific information that the University requires. The procedure is different for internal and external assessment, and internal assessment may not automatically require the signature of a medical practitioner. Both policies have effect from the 2010 academic year onwards.

With most freshers heading back home to Mum over the Easter break, the Halls have been comparatively quiet over the last week, with only a few committed Scarfies sticking around for the long haul. For the Selwyn residents that stuck around there was the formal Easter Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, with residents staying in formal dress for the whole day, and taking part in an (apparently not childish) Easter Egg hunt. This was a sober comedown from the raucous events of the exchange with College House from Christchurch. The exchange involved a battle of the bands, (Critic is told Selwyn won), and then some ‘conversion’ (which probably means roots). One girl not only ‘converted’ a lucky Christchurch boy, but also had the decency to put the used condoms on her hall-mates’ door. Another male Selwynite is sporting carpet burns to the knees after some particularly aggressive fornication. Up the hill at Arana, some boys managed to catch a shark on an amateur fishing trip. The dead shark was then put under a birthday boy’s bed wrapped in newspaper with some chips thrown in for good measure. The shark wasn’t moved for a few days because

apparently the smell was mistaken for spilt milk. The feral carcass eventually managed to clear out the jungle before it was dealt with. Some other, more daring Arana students made their way onto the roof of Studholme, after which they indulged in some intoxicants to help enjoy the view. The Schneans (Sneakers and Jeans) club at UniCol has chosen its Captain, meaning the other members are now being subjected to a protracted initiation process. This has included solitary meals and several laps of Baldwin Street with intermittent piss sinking. Down at Cumby, one male resident was offered $100 to refrain from eating for 80 hours straight, only being allowed to drink water and (un-surprisingly) alcohol. He lost five or six kilos, which has made this the new ‘it’ diet at Cumby, fully reversing the effects of the fresher five on residents. The resident didn’t get his $100 however, because he drank a cup of juice two minutes before the time was up. Gutted, bro. Another resident was paid $50 to eat a mouldy lemon. He soon broke out in a rash and now doesn’t get roots, not even from fat chicks.

Alas, the food bank, so controversially chosen over puppies as the official Capping Show charity at the last meeting, was this time around deemed inappropriate. The reason? Giving to the food bank looks a little like the Executive are sneakily giving the money to themselves, which they are. So the motion was rescinded, and a new motion was moved, making Rape Crisis the official Capping Show charity of 2010. A new club was “affiliated” – the ‘Food not Bombs’ Club. The Club members give out free healthy meals to raise awareness about global poverty, hunger, war, and social justice, and wear what Exec members sarcastically described as “conventional clothing.” Clubs Rep Dan Stride’s iron-fisted affiliation policy has already been called into action, forcing secretary Francisco “illegible handwriting” Hernandez to cull a few non-student members. There was some dispute (but of a calm, though perhaps somewhat passive-aggressive variety) over who would join the board for the Caroline Plummer Fellowship in Community Dance. Steph looked excited, Ros did too, and it was reported that Imogen said “Oooh yes.” Ultimately Steph kindly backed down, and a motion was carried

that Ros would dance into the role. VSM update: as of the meeting on March 30, the Exec had completed their final submission to the select committee, and were about to submit it that very night. Of the 2000 submissions on the “Save Our Services” website, 600 came from Otago, which was more than any other university. At this, Harriet looked pointedly in Critic’s direction, saying, “So students DO care.” Or rather, 600 (or even less impressively, about three percent) of them do. OMG LOL BEST THNG EVA! The Executive has officially decided to cut down their meetings to only once a fortnight! Perhaps Critic is being a little self-centred, but this sort of thing definitely warrants capitalisation AND exclamation marks. According to Harriet’s memorandum, it’s due to the length of meetings, and the short turn-around between meetings and finalising the agenda. Alternatively, it’s terrible for democracy as they’re still having preboardroom chit-chats where they debate stuff – they’re just not open to the public or the media. As a result, the meetings may become short yet super-dull, as all the exec bickering will take place away from Critic’s critical gaze. Hmmmm.

Otago Student to Attend Oxford Malaysian Club putting on a show …

University of Otago student Emma Dixon has been awarded the prestigious William Georgetti Scholarship. One of four recipients, Dixon will receive $75 000 over three years to attend Oxford University. While there, she intends to gain her doctorate in biochemistry specialising in structural biology and the study of infectious diseases. Oxford is one of the world’s leading research centres for the study of human pathogens. Other recipients of the William Georgetti Scholarship include two students from the University of Waikato, and a Canterbury University student. Awarded to the “best brains available,” the scholarship aims to encourage postgraduate study and research in a field important to the development of New Zealand.

The Otago Malaysian Students Association is putting on a performance of the famous film “3 Abdul” by P. Ramlee. The film involves three brothers, fabulous wealth, and a beautiful woman – what more do you need to know? It will be screened at the Teachers’ College Auditorium at 7pm on Saturday April 17 2010. Tickets are going at the bargain rate of $5 for members, and $8 for non-members, with sales at the Hunter Centre on Wednesday and the Union foyer on Thursday from 12-2pm. Alternatively, tickets will be available at the door for a flat rate of $8.

VUWSA to act on ANZAC Student Receives Money for Blowing Pipes

The Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA) has accepted an invitation to lay a wreath to commemorate ANZAC Day, VUWSA President Max Hardy told Salient. “VUWSA will be joining with others in laying a wreath on ANZAC Day,” he says. Last year, VUWSA’s decision not to lay a wreath made national headlines. The 2009 Exec agreed to reject an invitation from Wellington City Council to lay a wreath during the city’s ANZAC Day commemorations. The decision sparked the formation of a Facebook group opposing VUWSA’s refusal to lay a wreath, and the association was inundated with angry email correspondence. The Salient website received over 200 comments on the story. The 2009 decision, made during a weekly VUWSA Exec meeting, was born from a desire not to “arbitrarily” observe events for which there was no formal VUWSA policy.

A first-year University of Otago student has received the first Alexander Leith Memorial Scholarship. Liam Kernaghan, a first year BA/LLB, student won the $3000 scholarship, which is awarded to students who have shown exceptional merit in solo musical performance in either Scottish piping or drumming, and general academic ability. As part of the conditions of the scholarship Kernaghan was expected to perform at the University, which he did over the Easter break. In addition to winning the scholarship he also took second place at the Gold Medal Piobaireachd competition during the New Zealand Championship Solo Piping in Hastings … whatever that is.

Richard Gormley Zumba is taking the world and Dunedin by storm. Over the last few months, classes around the city have grown on a daily basis. Critic spoke to Zumba instructor Richard Gormley to find out just what is so special about the latin-inspired global fitness fad that is ZUMBA! How would you describe Zumba to those people who have never heard about it? The best way I know how to describe it is “exercise in disguise.” It is so much fun that you don’t really realise you’re working out, what with the group environment. But I guess if I was to sum it up, it is latin-inspired group fitness with a high energy workout. When did you start doing Zumba or going to classes? I was introduced to Zumba at the World Aquafit convention in Canada last year. While there, I actually met the creator of Zumba, Beto Perez. From there, I kind of became addicted, but I would say it really found me. How did you get into instructing Zumba? After being introduced to it at the conference, I became a certified Zumba instructor a short time after. Being one of the first in Canada, I started teaching 2-3 classes a week, then it started to catch on and I started getting calls from gyms all over the place. I ended up teaching 15 classes a week. What makes doing Zumba different from other exercise classes or regimes? It’s the same idea, really. Zumba is visual queuing, but unlike other classes where there are counts and directional movements, in Zumba there is no right or wrong way. I think also the party atmosphere makes it special. I understand you are a third-year exchange student from Canada. How do you find the balance between instructing Zumba and going to university? Well, I would have to work out anyway. So getting a workout while teaching is really the best of both worlds. It forces me to find a balance and prioritise. For instance, I can only really learn one dance on a given day, because if I learned any more I wouldn’t have time for homework ... Where and when can you do Zumba in Dunedin? There are tons and tons of venues around Dunedin where you can do it. I would suggest you go to zumba.com, go to Dunedin and take a look from there. Around campus though, there are classes in the Clubs and Socs building on Tuesdays (12pm-1pm) and Fridays (1.15pm-2.15pm). All of the local instructors are fantastic and have such different styles so you have a good range. How are you finding the reception of it here on campus? It’s like in Canada, it started out small and now it’s growing. We have had 120 at the Alumbra classes for the last couple of weeks and heaps at Clubs and Socs as well. I have also organised a group of instructors to go up to Christchurch next month for training. The more instructors the better, I think. As part of OUSA Healthy Living Week, the Tuesday (12pm-1pm) session of Zumba at Clubs and Socs is free. Get amongst!

s ine dic ts e c y m ffe ly an de e inite M i f e gs. le s de uâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;r hin ossib can ss yo s we r t p ich le ug Fo ry sca st of , wh m un e dr isks. at e i r b l e th the th an ith a r arm g th ven heir rity lists ): c t n s u ug e w yo aki y. E th tho d, fen Dr com g as off t nast e wi e au ealan uro Z a. N lly om , th lon ou as ut y g rea tly c safe New (a.k. p lin en ed in n e fee frequ le, M cines prof e mp edi Ibu s u xa m or e es t ing f a l u w reg ollo f

Hy EAC AD p V wit been ersen TIO ER hi rep sitiv N no SE b n res -sp upr orte ity r S agg pirat ecific ofen. d fol eacti alle Th low ons ass rava or y i e typ orted ted a tract rgic r se m ng tre have rea eac ay s e t s s h ver ,p kin c atme c m t i t o r i a, vi n n ons d syn y rar urit us, isord bron ty co and ist of t dro ely me â&#x20AC;&#x201C; b urti ers, chos mpr anap Mo i , to ullo car i s p ia nclu asm ing hyla xic u Ga re epi s der , pur ding , or asthm xis, Th stroi com pu dys m d r a, e a e n a rm r s mo tes mo ga al n toses a, an hes o pnea , or hea stroin st fre tinal: n re (in gio f e v c a rol e c ac co rtbu test que ysis ludin dem rious tio , an g S a, a f la nstip rn, inal. nt ty ns d e teve nd â&#x20AC;&#x201C; (g ret tulen ation diarrh Gast pes o r yt rea oea roin f ad Ce entio ce). , ab hem ns-Jo ter (in ntra n. F Aud domi , abd testin verse a m hnso t clu l ne luid ito ha ult n ry nal cr omin al com react din n rvo ifo r i e a a on am on rm Le te gm n l u p e e). acu s sys ntion d ves ps o distre laint occu Ce ss c pe t t s r e s l i n r o o s g b i rce pap m: D ene ula pain , na ncl ring me tra m u nin l ne mo r u r n , u w d i : a a s lar z t): e l i T e mu rvo git n typ ziness ly res inni nd fu a an nau th ib u s d po e), ble ltifor is wit us sy reac ,h nd tus. C llness vom ea, ep prof e hf p edi me s t a t r i e e d s uri pan ng , St eve m: ons tus ache prom ardio of th iting, igastr n are r e . G s, a v agr creat and/ evens , and Depr (l e i ene nd ptly t ascu GI t indig c pai or ss -Jo anu itis e c s o s e n o d lar: rac , ga per hns ion or n m r t l a h e o a t (b stion , l: D r vo cyt wit for isc a o s , . O t n i D n r n os and ho it at ecr usn ont edem loat , e s s eas ess inu /or ut p is, ap is, he ion, yndro rmat omn one ing a . g ed a p olo ia, a u ces l co perc app Derm tion nd f and sa dim rpu astic atiti astro me, gi etit ato of th luid inc tion o inish ra, eo anae s, jau intes and a cal: V nfusi ent e o e log ): e lud esi . f th d v sino mia ndic tina lop n, ica drug c e es l: R ce erap ision phil , hae e, an l hae cia. ulob emo . ash nau ntral y. An , sco ia, an moly d ab morr Gast ullou tiona no hag roin s e l lab d a tic y p tom sea visi r r a o a a m u e ilit de and n f na tie ta , m tes p a vom ields nt w and/ creas emia l live elae tinal tions y, som na, : G , ur (so r fu n itin (see ith e or c e in a n m ha ha str tica olen ye ha ct g, a P e nap REC com nges emo time ion t emat ic or ria, e ce, a glo sC est e d in hyl AU plai m uo r yth sept s. bi o e c n axi s, a TION ts sh olour n and ombs Haem sis, u dena ema ic l lu o nd c v p S bro ). Al uld h ision haem ositi atolo erativ lcer )m ato ve), gica e st wit nch lerg ave ay om h cr an th l: osp ic: asm Syn oph occu it. Oc romb Neut atiti dro tha r, b s r u o . me lmo ut lar: A cyto open , pen ia, of log is us m bl abd ica ia u om l ex ally r yopia with e ina am ina verse (blur lp r ain d t , fe ion, w afte ed r ver , ch hich ills ,

SNAKE OIL?

t least it’s good to know that aseptic meningitis with fever and coma happens less than one percent of the time. And despite all these warnings, you’ll probably be fine next time you wake up on someone else’s couch and need a painkiller before you and your hangover can face the day. But what if, next time you have a cold, instead of reaching for the Codral (active ingredient: pseudoephedrine; adverse reactions include arrhythmias, hallucinations, and tremors), you went down to the natural health store and bought some Vitamin C? On that packet, all it says is that reduces the duration and severity of colds. It definitely says nothing about messing with your heart rate. Maybe you’d be better off spending your money here. Of course, a lot of people do just that. Blackmores, just one of the companies selling natural health products in New Zealand and Australia, reported sales of over $200 million in 2009. The natural health industry is booming, and it keeps getting more lucrative as the population worries about health more and more. So, what are we paying for? In New Zealand, we are used to trusting what we read on the label. I know I trust that my favourite rice crackers really are 97 percent fat free, and are definitely better for me than potato chips – especially if I eat the whole packet. So, when we read that ginkgo improves memory and aids cognitive function, we’re quite likely to believe it. But who makes sure these things really do what they say? This is where we reach the grey area in the law that lets the natural health companies sell these products with few warnings and all sorts of health claims. Almost all of the products available at the local health food shop, or even in the supplements section at the pharmacy, are classified as foods or dietary supplements rather than drugs. This means that they do not have to Critic Does Sensible Advice go through the same strict testing regime l Eat healthily, exercise, sleep, and that medicines like Panadol or Claratin do. don’t mess your body up with too This testing makes sure that the drug actually much bad stuff like alcohol and works, is safe, and is being given in the caffeine. I know you’ve heard it correct dose. It is also where that huge list of before, but if you do these things, side effects comes from. Of course, it is not you’ll probably do fine without a foolproof system. There have been many spending your loan money on examples of drugs having unforeseen issues medicines or dietary supplements. which have caused massive problems. But it l If you get seriously ill, go to the doctor is the best system we have at the moment, – delaying medical help because and it is certainly more thorough than the you’re trying to self-medicate with regulation placed on natural remedies. natural treatments can be dangerous. l If natural remedies are your thing, Because natural health products are do your research. Find out what the technically food, they do not have to prove evidence is, who did the testing, that they are safe. The companies are only whether there have been any forced to withdraw the ‘food’ if someone gets questions about safety, and what the sick and can prove it is because they took alternatives are. that product. This is exactly what happened l TELL YOUR DOCTOR. Critic in the case of ma huang or ephedra, an herb cannot stress this one enough. Herbal marketed as a weight loss pill and energy treatments can interact with supplement. By the time the Food and Drug conventional medicines, and also mess Association in the United States banned with physical signs and blood tests. the drug, there were at least 28 recorded l Don’t underestimate the power of deaths and thousands of people made sick herbal drugs. Natural does not equate due to ephedrine toxicity (anxiety, insomnia, to harmless. After all, cyanide can be restlessness, psychosis, and seizures). Natural extracted from apple seeds, and you does not equate to safe. certainly wouldn’t mess with that stuff.

There is a little more regulation about what the industry can claim their products do. The biggest thing is that they are not allowed to make what are called “therapeutic claims.” This is because any product claiming to have a therapeutic purpose is, by definition, a medicine, and thus subject to the Medicines Act and all the expensive testing and proof and regulation that goes with it. Medsafe describes therapeutic purposes as including: l Treating or preventing disease. l Treating hair loss. l Assisting with general ailments such as pain and inflammation. l Effecting contraception. l Altering the shape, structure, size, or weight of the human body. l Preventing or interfering with the normal operation of a physiological function. If you went and had a look at the vast array of ‘dietary supplements’ available, however, you’d probably get the impression that there were pills or potions for sale that could do any of those things. This is because the legislation does allow for claims that the product supports normal functioning of the human body. This is why on the website for Health2000, a natural health store with over 70 outlets in New Zealand, you will find the claims worded very carefully. The products marketed in the “weight management” section don’t claim they will help you lose weight. Instead, they are used to “assist weight management,” “support healthy digestion,” or maybe “support the body’s ability to bind excess fat and minimise absorption.” But if you were just looking for something to help you fit into that little black dress, you probably wouldn’t even notice. Some ‘weight management’ drugs do exactly as they claim – but for the wrong reason. There have been cases where ‘natural’ supplements have been far from natural. Sibutramine, a prescription-only drug that suppresses appetite, has been found in Chinese ‘herbal’ preparations in New Zealand. In Europe, similar products have been found to contain as much as twice the recommended dose,

a toxic quantity that caused 17 cases of poisoning, including two of psychosis. Sildenafil (the stuff that’s in Viagra) has also been found in ‘natural’ erectile dysfunction drugs. One conclusion that could be drawn from all of this might be that if there’s no guarantee that all these tablets will actually do anything, and they might even hurt you, then spending all that money on them is just a waste. Some people do take that view. But many of these pills and potions do have a lot of potential to improve people’s health, so babies and bathwater might be a good analogy at this point. It’s important to consider each product on its own merits, because they are all different, and all contain different herbs, chemicals, and active ingredients. There are many good sources of information available to help you make informed decisions about your health. But there are many more bad ones. It can be very difficult to pick between different information sources, particularly because most advice will claim to be backed up by scientific evidence. Unfortunately, it is far too easy to pick and choose between different pieces of research to make your point, and both advocates and opponents of alternative medicine are guilty of this. Google is not your friend here; the sites it’s most likely to bring up are the ones selling things – and these are clearly not the most unbiased source of information. The website Critic would recommend for an overview of different dietary supplements (including herbal medicines) is an American site run by the National Institute of Health Office of Dietary Supplements. It provides fact sheets from the National Centre for Complementary and Alternative Medicines on many common supplements, with a very balanced perspective including history, uses, and scientific information. You can find it at tinycc/nccam. For the real science buffs, article databases like PubMed and Medline have plenty of relevant studies and reviews available. It’s important to look at these with a critical eye as well, particularly regarding who was conducting the research, why they were doing it, and who was paying them.

In Australia, consumers can be more trusting. There, all dietary supplements are regulated by the Therapeutic Goods Administration, the same body that regulates all pharmaceuticals. When buying an herbal medicine in Australia, you can be certain that what you are paying for is safe, high quality product. In 2007, a bill to introduce those same standards here via an Australia New Zealand Therapeutic Products Agency (ANZTP) was dropped by the Labour government due to lack of support. Along with many other issues with the bill, both National and the Green Party opposed it on the grounds that it would increase costs and decrease choice for consumers of natural health products in New Zealand. This has been the case in Australia and for many people, avoiding the same situation is worth the risk that comes with an unregulated market. After the 2008 election, National and the Greens signed a Memorandum of Understanding agreeing to work together on the matter of regulation of natural health products. The fruits of this have finally been seen in a consultation paper produced on March 19, titled “The Development of a Natural Health Products Bill.” This proposed bill will regulate anything sold in New Zealand shops as a dietary supplement. All products will have to go through an approval process before being manufactured and sold. The contents of the products are restricted to those kept on a list of approved ingredients (though ingredients may be added), and health claims will be restricted to a limited selection as well. However, the proposed process involves little more than filling in a form online and promising your product contains what you say it does. It remains to be seen whether the bill will have a significant impact on the natural health product market. In the meantime, your best option is to be well informed and make sensible choices. Natural health products have benefits and risks just like any other medicine. If you make sure you know what you’re putting in your mouth, you’ll be just fine.

Mythbusting Popular Natural Health Products Echinacea The Buzz: Fixes colds. The Science: Could shorten them. The Downlow: Quality makes a difference, and the root is where the goodness is.

Vitamins The Buzz: You need them to stay healthy. The Science: Yes, you do, but eating a balanced diet is the best way to get them. The Downlow: If you’re worried you’re low in a particular vitamin, the doctor can help you find out and treat it.

Detox The Buzz: Say sorry to your liver for Saturday night. The Science: In general, there is very little. They’re often just laxatives. The Downlow: Lots of fruit and fibre and cutting the bad stuff is good for you – but expensive detox products are unnecessary.

Weight-loss pills The Buzz: You’ve heard it all before. The Science: The active ingredient in these is often just caffeine. The Downlow: Whoever invents a weight loss pill that actually works well will be a billionaire and probably win a Nobel Prize.

Aloe Vera The Buzz: Soothes sunburn, heals stuff, ‘regulates digestive functioning’. The Science: Great moisturiser, makes sunburn feel better. Very powerful laxative. The Downlow: Aqueous cream BP in a tub from the chemist is a lot cheaper than aloe for sunburn, and does almost the same job.

St John’s Wort The Buzz: Makes you happy. The Science: Works about as well as conventional antidepressants for mild depression. The Downlow: Messes with a lot of drugs, including the contraceptive pill (which it stops from working). Your doctor definitely wants to know if you’re taking this. If you are more than mildly depressed, seek help.

Gingko The Buzz: Makes you smart. The Science: If you think this is getting you into Med, you’re probably not going to make the cut. The Downlow: Taking enough to make a difference could make you bleed out your eyes.

Depression, anxiety, and what to do about them Susan Smirk

talks to three students and a Student Health worker about their experiences with depression and anxiety.

INTRODUCING:

Jas: “There was a time when I was good, and that’s what I hang onto – that you can come out of it, it just takes time. It will be worth it, because you’re not just surviving life, you’ll end up living life.” Jas was diagnosed with major depression a couple of years ago, and is still struggling through it.

and they can range from fairly mild to completely debilitating. Cathy describes her experience of mild depression: “It’s a feeling of hopelessness and a feeling that you don’t want to do anything, because there’s no point to doing anything. That’s when I felt ‘this isn’t right – this isn’t healthy.’”

The key signs of depression are: Feeling down, depressed or hopeless. Having little interest or pleasure in doing things on most days over at least the past month.

Cathy: “Just don’t be afraid to find someone you can talk to, even one person. You don’t have to go through it alone, and you don’t have to feel stupid about it.” Cathy has had an anxiety disorder since childhood, the effects of which include panic attacks and irrational thoughts. She has also recently experienced mild depression. Andrew: “It can be overcome; it just takes a long time, and you just have to take it one day at a time, and eventually you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come.” Andrew was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder last year, after a series of seemingly inexplicable physiological symptoms. He has a strong family history of depression.

Other possible signs include: Irritability. Loss of energy. l Tiredness. l Sleep problems. l Changes in appetite. l Low self-esteem. l Problems with concentration. l Reduced sex drive. l Feelings of emptiness or loneliness. l Crying or getting angry or upset for no reason. l Cutting yourself off from friends or family. l Feeling worthless, or guilty about things that weren’t your fault. l l

Mark Chignell: “Depression can make the smallest task seem like climbing a mountain.” Mark is the clinical head of the Counselling Group at Student Health Services.

The first step, according to Mark is to “Ask for help – the sooner the better.” He advises that you start by telling someone you trust how you are feeling, and also suggests that you go to Student Health and tell a doctor, nurse, or counsellor, and see what they think.

WHO IS BLUE?

ASKING WHY

Depression and anxiety are two of the most common mental health issues around. In 2006, a New Zealand mental health survey revealed that one in six Kiwis will experience depression at some point in their lives, most commonly between the ages of 16 and 24 (and depression is twice as common in women). More than half of people with these mental health issues don’t get treatment for them. Life is shit sometimes, so how do we tell the difference between the normal lows, and something that needs treatment? “We all feel sad from time to time, but for some people the feeling does not go away,” Mark Chignell says. “People who feel low most of the time may have an illness called depression.” Jas believes “You will know yourself best, if it just doesn’t feel right. Even if you’ve got this nagging thought, but you’re not very sure, it’s safer just to have a check. Because if it is what it is, then you can be helped and you can have a much better quality of life, rather than just assuming that ‘This is what I get, this is the cards I’m dealt.’” Mark notes that “Often people with depression also experience constant worry (anxiety).” While anxiety disorders and depression can occur separately, they are very frequently linked. Depression and anxiety are different for everyone. Symptoms can vary hugely,

Depression and anxiety do not happen because you are weaker than other people, because you have done something wrong, or just because you are just ‘crazy.’ There are a number of things which can contribute to a person becoming mentally unwell. Having a family history of mental illness can be a factor. Traumatic experiences in childhood, and difficult life events (e.g. break-ups, deaths, financial problems, stress, abuse, accidents, or health issues) also contribute strongly. Lifestyle choices such as excessive alcohol consumption, drug use, social isolation, lack of sleep, poor diet, and lack of exercise can also worsen the situation. University is undoubtedly a highly stressful time. Cathy mentions “the stress of completing assignments, and relationships as well. Everyone’s going through new times – it’s the whole ‘experimental’ age. That definitely adds to both depression and anxiety and other things.”

WHAT WILL HELP Depression and anxiety are legitimate illnesses, and there is a range of treatments that can help. Mark explains that “Counselling and drug therapies can be used individually or in combination depending on the severity and length of the depressive symptoms ... The main thing is to find a treatment that helps and for you to give it enough time to work properly.”

Counselling The particular forms of psychological therapy that target depression are problem-solving therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and interpersonal psychotherapy. There are lots of options for counselling or therapy in Dunedin, including with Student Health’s counselling team, whose 50-minute appointments are only $6.50 per session. Cathy says “It is good to be able to talk it through with somebody impartial … usually I would talk to my mum, or I would talk to my boyfriend, or talk to my close friends, but they’ve all got their own perspectives in terms of their relationship with me, so nobody could really be impartial. So I found the counsellor extremely helpful alongside the medication.”

Drugs Cathy, Andrew, and Jas all agree that taking the step of going on antidepressant medication can be scary. However, medication has helped them all significantly. “I wasn’t prepared to get that diagnosis at that time, and so sometimes when you get a shock diagnosis and you don’t expect it, you’re a little bit lost,” Jas says. Cathy says “The medication always really put me off because I didn’t want to get addicted to it, and I didn’t want to find myself 20 years down the track still having to cope with everyday life, and deal with everything by being dependent on medication.” Jas also notes that “a lot of times psychiatry is still a guessing game, but that does not mean you won’t recover. It’s a tricky thing, because the human body is just so complex, there’s just so many factors to it. And what works for me, may not work for somebody else.”

Ways to help get through, and get better Mark provided a useful list of self help techniques: Plan your day so you have things to occupy your time. l Plan mealtimes. l Plan to do at least one thing that you enjoy each day. l Do some physical activity each day. l Organise to do things with other people. l Reward yourself for what you have done. l When things seem really hard, take them one step a time. l Understand when you need to stop – don’t be hard on yourself. l Try to go to bed and get up at about the same time each day. l Avoid or cut down on coffee, Coca Cola, energy drinks, tobacco, and alcohol. l

The three students that Critic spoke to also shared some tips Andrew: l I guess exercise, and being outside – it does good things for the chemicals in your brain. l To a certain extent I think looking realistically at, or confronting, what you’re afraid of. l I think you basically just have to live through it one day at a time, because if you look at the whole thing, it seems like you’re never going to get any better, like nothing’s ever going to improve. So you just have to take it one day at a time. Cathy: I know it sounds really clichéd, but deep breathing helps so much – it’s even a physiological thing, that helps you clear your head. l I guess it’s about creating a system of support around you. Because if one link, one support area is lost, then you’ve still got everything else around you. l It helps so much to find someone who is sort of a ‘kindred spirit’ l

who has been through it before, and is out the other side, who knows what it’s been like and can sort of reassure you. Jas: Reducing your workload – that’s a biggie. I really did not realise how much of a difference it would make. You think ‘I’ll just carry on and pretend nothing’s happened.’ But if you do that it could make things worse. l Time out to myself. But that one you have to be very, very careful with, because when you’re depressed you tend to withdraw from people anyway, so that can go out of balance. l Some people say talking is good too. It’s very difficult to do at times though – easier said than done. You need the right people, and there is always, always the risk that you approach someone and you get a really bad reaction. That person could either be very ignorant about depression, and have the wrong idea, or they could just be scared and shocked. l This may be controversial to some people, but … God. Even though faith at that time was very difficult, I hung on and it’s the God side of things that helped. Not always, because there’s some times when you see black, and that’s all you see, but sometimes. So for me, it was God. Other people may try yoga, meditation, relaxation, it does not have to be spiritual but that’s what worked for me, that’s what brought me through and that’s probably why I’m still here today. l

HOW TO HELP A FRIEND Simply listening, rather than talking or trying to fix problems. Learn about depression, how it is treated, and what you can do to help its recovery. See yourself as part of the support team. l Don’t tell them to ‘snap out of it’ or ‘harden up.’ Don’t give unhelpful advice, e.g. ‘Just think of people who are worse off than you.’ People cannot will themselves better from depression. “Comments sometimes came from people who didn’t know my situation and saw me being all doom and gloom, and said ‘cheer up!’ At that time I was fuming, and thinking ‘trust me, if I could, I would,’” Jas says. “No one in their right frame of mind would want to end up there, so why would someone make themselves depressed? It’s not their fault – that’s a big one.” l Don’t encourage excess alcohol and drug use as a coping strategy – it can make things worse. l Make sure they are looking after themselves, eating well, and sleeping. “You don’t take care of yourself, basically, when you get depressed. It does help,” Jas says. l Encourage the person to be more active without pushing or criticising them. Encourage them to continue treatment (“But don’t go all ‘Big Brother’ on them!” says Jas). l Spend time with them, and treat them normally. “[My mates] just treat me the same way they always have, which I guess is actually one of the best things they could do,” says Andrew. Jas agrees. “Friends, who actually just treat you like a person, like you were, and do stuff with you. Oftentimes I’ve found that I didn’t really want to do anything … but occasionally I would go do stuff, and it helps. You’ve just got to go get out there.” l Watch out for suicidal talk. “If you think something is wrong, and they’re acting really, really strangely, and they start saying things like ‘no one cares about me’ and ‘you’d be better off without me’ then don’t feel hesitant to say something about it. It could be a false alarm, but usually it’s not. It can be quite subtle, but there are signs,” Jas warns. “So if you think it’s getting worse, then have a chat to someone – you could be wrong, but you could save that person’s life as well.” l l

WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF ME? Cathy says she doesn’t mind being open about what she is going through, but is “definitely” conscious of the stigma. She says “talking about mental illness is such a taboo in New Zealand, especially among young people, I find. Because it’s like an embarrassment, when it shouldn’t be. Me personally, at first I always felt like I was a bit stupid for feeling the way I did – that it was a bit too irrational, and I maybe I should just learn to deal with it myself.” Jas also had a difficult time talking to people about what she was going through, especially when her depression became so bad that she was hospitalised. “I couldn’t actually say it. But I soon realised that it’s a big thing if you can actually say it outright. I’m not saying ‘go tell the whole world’ though, because lets face it, there is a lot of discrimination, and when you are at a certain level, you can’t cope with that.” Ultimately it’s your own personal story, and you have the right to decide whom to tell, and who is best to support you. “I think some people don’t really understand it, but I think just as many people pretend to be ignorant about it because they’re afraid of it, and how it might affect them,” Andrew says. However, he personally hasn’t encountered any negative reactions to his anxiety disorder. “I don’t think I was treated any different really. I told them I had anxiety, and they were like ‘oh, OK,’ and we got on with our lives.”

WHERE TO FIND HELP

Services at Otago: l Student Health: Corner Walsh & Albany Streets. Phone 03 479 8212. Email student-health@otago.ac.nz. l The Chaplaincy Team: office in the Upper Room, upstairs in the University Union building. Phone 479 8497, 027 212 1048, email greg.hughson@otago.ac.nz. People to talk to: The Depression Helpline (available from 8am to midnight) – 0800 111 757 l www.youthline.co.nz – 0800 376 633 l www.lifeline.org.nz – 0800 543 354 l

Helpful websites l http://www.depression.org.nz l http://www.thelowdown.co.nz/ l www.otago.ac.nz/rid l http://www.noondaydemon.com – Free download of Chapter 1 of Andrew Solomon’s book “The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression.” A very worthwhile read.

Protesting

Protesting is a form of campus exercise that precedes even masturbating in the library toilets during a study period. But weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not talking about the 4.20 brand of protest, where you sit around blazing that shit up and practising your latest yo-yo tricks. You need to be stomping the pavements, pumping your sign-clenching fists, and hollering. There are often a few nutbars around you can join in with, or maybe just make up your own cause, e.g. getting Saved By The Bell repeats back on New Zealand television screens.

Stalking

Of course, some sports require a certain degree of patience and execution. Take deer-stalking, for example: hunters skulk through the bush for days on end in search of their prey. Regular stalking is no different. It requires weeks of eyeing up around the library, careful Facebook attention and name gathering, all culminating in that wellearned stalk. Be careful not to be too obvious. Experts: try using a pedometer to measure just how many calories youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re shaving off.

Sucking it to the man

Ahhh, the time-honoured tradition of sticking it to the man. What an opportunity to add a new twist, honour Nigel Vaganaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s infamous 1998 try celebration, and hopefully work some key muscle groups in the process. The main focus of this routine is to ensure perfect body placement and form. Emphasis is on spine figure, and full arm and elbow movement, guaranteeing all three tricep heads are reaping the benefit of the workout.

Happy Meal challenge

Any true gym-buff will tell you that working out is useless without attention to nutrition and diet. And what better way to speed up your metabolism than to partake in the three-minute Happy Meal challenge? Whether you add your chips to your cheeseburger, or you opt for Sprite for easier sculling, planning is essential here. Critic suggests mastering the basics before going all-out and eating toy-andall like our model.

Pushing library couples apart

Every student will, at some point or another, have witnessed the overly cute, clingy library couples. Rather than simply looking on in disgust, you should see this as a legitimate workout opportunity. The key here is to position yourself right in the middle, and using both the pectorals and the glutes, drive the couple apart using a strong outward motion. Once you achieve advancements in ability, look to using heavier couples (Critic suggests visiting the Bill Robertson library), or stationary chairs.

Shoplifting from the Link

Whilst those old birds running the Link dairy may not look too quick, believe us, they are. Attempting to shoplift from the Link presents useful training in two ways: it builds and contributes to the skills learnt in stalking, and if it goes wrong, it provides an opportunity for working on sprinting and explosiveness, the added benefit here being the plethora of obstacles that fill the training area.

Keeping elevator doors open

All around campus are machines just dying to help you build upper-body strength. Elevators are no different. Critic recommends a trip to the Richardson building, ideally between class times, for some quality resistance training. It works much better if you are also resisting shoves and verbal abuse from eager lift patrons. Another idea: try opening the disabled doors to the Link. Core, blimey!

Sitting/studying without chair

An important step on the road to buns of steel involves weaning yourself from the office chair. This exercise is great for focusing on the upper thigh, and of course, a sculptured backside. Pros can work their way up to removal of the desk, to help incorporate arm development, making this a fantastic whole-body workout.

Rock-climbing up the Centre for Innovation

The focus of this guide has been exercise opportunities around campus, and this is no exception. The flashy Centre for Innovation building, located beside St David, is an innovative rock wall just waiting to be climbed. Combining the angles and sheer difficulty of scaling glass, this isn’t for beginners.

Streaking through Quad

Yee-hah! Shed kit and streak through the Quad to the gymnasium! What a workout. The excitement of being in your birthday suit, combined with the physical challenge of a nice jog, makes this a sure-fire way to rock on into womanhood.

Unipol

Unipol is your first stop when wanting to get the heart-rate soaring and blood flowing. Girls: to try vainly to ward off the acquisition off your fresher five, come and partake in some sort of step class. Bloke: forgo the homo-eroticism of the weights room and instead just watch the girls flailing about in one of these classes. This will get blood flowing to the biggest muscle of all ... your boner.

Extreme mountain biking

Mountain bike trials are a discipline in which the rider attempts to pass through an obstacle course without setting a foot on the ground. A few years ago, the University had a Vice-Chancellor that was trials-crazy! He set up courses all over the campus for enthusiasts, like this one next to St David lecture theatre. This sport is excellent for your balance and core. Borrow a bike from the nearby rack or, if you are not a pussy, attempt the course on one of Campus Watch’s Segways.

Running under tapu sculpture

Everyone knows that this centuries-old ancient arch on Union Lawn is the local Maori version of Stonehenge. It is therefore one of the most tapu objects in the whole town and great misfortune may be visited upon the family of anyone who dares pass underneath the arch. So to really get your heart and legs racing, try to run through so fast that you don’t get cursed.

Polluted air training

When training for an event in, say, Bolivia, athletes will often take to training in the mountains to acclimatise to the high altitude. But this is 2010, a.k.a. The Future, so events are always held in highly-polluted cities such as this year’s Delhi Commonwealth Games. The filthy horde of smoking try-hards to be seen outside the library provides an ideal climate for accustoming your lungs to smoggy surrounds.

>>>>

>>>

K C A M

F F U

T S T

H C

ON I N

OU B A

s an almost daily cyclist to this University for over two years, I was somewhat surprised to be asked for the first time to ‘get off’ by a Campus Watch officer recently. Seconds later, an AMG Mercedes and cliche-dude-on-skateboard passed the officer unmolested at speeds well in excess of the author’s, whose gears were thus grinded, so to speak. One accepts that this request was, formally, on the money. The University Traffic and Parking Regulations establish that cycling is prohibited within marked areas, and allowed at speeds no faster than walking outside such areas, where that area is intended primarily for use by pedestrians. Skateboarding would appear to be subject to a prohibition only with respect to their ‘improper’ use. Breach of regulations, somewhat alarmingly, is attached to a breach of the ‘rules of University conduct’ and may attract a fine of up to $100. It is perhaps unfortunate, for the hundreds of people knowingly (and presumably willfully) breaking these rules on a daily basis, that these rules do not stack up. The assertion in regulation 1, that the campus has been planned out as a pedestrian precinct, coupled with direction towards ‘hazards’ elsewhere, show us that the regulations are doubtless intended to promote safety in the interests of pedestrians. Indeed, it is understood that the Regulations were strengthened following a tragic cyclist/pedestrian incident involving serious injury some years ago. We all ought to accept that pedestrian safety is a norm worthy of pursuit, but when it is effected by poorly considered and poorly drafted regulations, the hundreds of pedestrians, drivers, skateboarders, and cyclists making their daily way across campus daily deserve some clarification. Questions abound. I offer a few, and leave the reader (and Property Services) to ponder to their further content If the Regulations are truly meant to tackle safety, one might reasonably ask why the Regulations are enforced in such lax fashion? This was the first time the author, a daily cyclist, had been stopped in over two years. Is jail time not in order?! If enforcement is seen as a choice by Campus Watch (which it is not), then why the author, and not the speedy, silent, and potentially deadly Mercedes, or the cliche-dude-on-board? l Why should the Regulations distinguish (or perhaps discriminate between) skateboarders and cyclists? Could the due caution of the two groups be contrasted? If so, why in favour of skaters? (sorry boiz). Surely both pose at least comparable risk to pedestrian safety. l In the case of skateboarders, who is to determine what their proper use comprises? l Who determines whether one is to be fined, and if so, how much? l Given that breaches of the Regulations amount to a breach of the ‘rules of University conduct’, presumably alluding to some serious CoC-related ramifications, why should it be acceptable that cyclists and skateboarders are subject to on-the-ground uncertainty in forms like unpredictable enforcement and even the positioning of cycle stands within no-go zones? l

The questions posed above are directed at the inconsistency of the Rules governing vehicular, cycle, and board traffic on campus. They beg purely for clarification. But, more probingly, one might ask whether the sparing enforcement of the Regulations indicates a common-sense attitude showing more respect to the due caution of drivers, cyclists and skateboarders – i.e. that in substance, these rules aren’t great. The University of Canterbury, at which the author was employed to determine such policy, recognises the irrationality of promoting cycling with incentives like cycle stands and not letting it occur on campus. Though it is virtually incumbent on that institution to accommodate cyclists in a big, flat city, where cycling is both popular and of high utility, the key policy issues remain identical to those faced here, namely, the safety amongst heavy foot traffic on central campus. If Canterbury can cope with the safety considerations posed by cyclists, skateboarders, and vehicles without some blanket ban, why not Otago?

This elected Dunedin City Councillor: Is not being reinstated as a lawyer due to concerns of the Law Society. l Has stolen thousands from a client, telling them they couldn’t get legal aid, and then taking the money himself. l A local woman alleges he was part of a club at University called Anus Proboscis whose funtimes involved setting each other’s anus hair on fire. l Yet, he once complained to the Broadcasting Standards Authority when presenters on the Edge radio station joked about a KFC burger called the Crispy Cock. l He looks like an oversized baby as a result of his diet of KFC. He can’t get enough of it, and recently opened their new North Dunedin store. l He is rumoured to have a past gambling problem, yet was part of the panel hearing submissions on Dunedin’s gambling machine laws. He appeared not even to be aware why they were being reassessed. l When asked what would be some good ideas on how to fix our public transport system, he admitted he had none. Had he even thought about it? l

Unfortunately, this man is not alone. One councillor once took a bus: he had to ask where it was going, was shocked at how expensive it was, and then made his wife move from the seat she had chosen at the front as he wanted to sit at the back. One falls asleep at every meeting, wakes up at the end and asks questions that were answered half an hour ago. This is our council. They push through large constructions that most of the city doesn’t want and will never use, at our own expense. Then they say they can’t fix our sewage and waste problems because all of their capital is going into the ugly big white elephant next to the quarry. We need to vote these bastards out. We don’t need to vote for one or two Green/socially progressive people to give the council a conscience – that doesn’t work. They only end up silenced. We need to vote out these old fat white men and their mayor completely. We need to replace them with representatives that are mindful of our city’s wellbeing, and will find better public transport/waste/ sewage/student-friendly solutions. Get yourself enrolled on the electoral roll in Dunedin, and vote out this shitty local government in October. Be my guest. Please note last week’s column was not written by J. R. Holmes, but by Dominic Szeker. Critic apologises for the error. 32

P expenses make for great headlines. Everybody loves a scandal, and nothing says scandal like elected representatives getting pay increases, allowances, free travel, and free food. Unfortunately for the MPs, this mostly arises from the fact that not many people understand the concept of a “total remuneration package.” This lack of understanding also occurs when people hear about the perks many high-profile CEOs and managers enjoy. Oddly enough, many people do manage to get their heads around being paid slightly less for getting a company car, or phone. MPs have to be paid. They have to live, and to live, people need money. If we cut MPs’ salaries, that pretty much cuts the eligibility for holding national office to those who are already rich. While that in itself could result in right-leaning governments and lower taxes, it is generally considered undesirable to price a large section of society out of running for Parliament. So the question becomes how much to pay them. I would suggest that a balance needs to be found: if we pay too much, it costs the country, and it also acts as a perverse incentive. Ideally, people would do the job for free, for the love of their country, but as that is impractical, we set the salary a little below an equivalent private sector job, to ensure fair remuneration while not compromising the desire for public service. Allowances and perks come in, as they allow MPs to be paid less, while ensuring that they can carry out their jobs. MPs need to fly a lot, so it makes more sense to subsidise the travel than to pay them thousands of dollars more per year and make them pay for themselves. Expense accounts cover the expenses that are racked up when travelling or attending official functions. The added perks, the travel subsidies for long-serving MPs, are nothing more than a form of pension. They are additional non-monetary remuneration, and should be considered part of the overall pay. When an MP uses their travel allowance, or their free overseas trip, they are not abusing the system any more than if they spend their salary on an overseas trip. In fact, not making the most of the perks is akin The media just need to stop to voluntarily drawing a lower making stories out of what is salary – noble, essentially employees making use but who would of money they have earned. really do it? Perhaps the extra perks and personal allowances need to be rolled into one, higher salary for clarity and transparency. But travel allowances should stay, as they are a practical way of ensuring MPs can do their jobs. The media just need to stop making stories out of what is essentially employees making use of money they have earned.

“

”

earest Scarfies. Welcome to the Sheet Shuffle. Since this is our first rendezvous, I’m going to treat you like a Gold Coast hookup and lay down some ground rules. University is this glorious, glorious exercise in social Darwinism. It’s all a question of style in your execution. The people who keep the messy to a minimum and turn the dial to fun end up bagging more bedtime with strangers and acquaintances than your average sloppy and awkward, won’t-look-you-in-the-eye scenario. Take care of your foreplay and your aftermath, and you’ll be in the clear. These are a couple of guidelines for the practically inevitable college casualty. The Technicalities Losing one’s virginity also means that you get to face the technicalities they don’t show in the movies. Be a girl guide. Be a boy scout. Stock your drawers with condoms and lube (a note on condom etiquette – avoid the sealed-off condom left on the bathroom sink scenario. Politeness involves shooting them straight to the garbage with a delicate cloak of tissue paper). Share your toothbrush if they stay over. The Aftermath You’ll probably need to cuddle for a while, but if you feel you know them well enough, there can be a pre-sex consensus that they will leave before your roommates wake up, or in the middle of the night. If you’ve been at yours, there is no obligation to make them breakfast. Don’t get emotional. If it was fun, get their number. Many of my girlfriends insist on a next-day casual text or communication to normalise the encounter. If it wasn’t that great, shake it off. If you meet again, keep it light, polite, and uninterested. Do not let them push any clingy bullshit on you. A one-night stand is a one-night stand and hookups at uni are often like shooting into a barrel of fish ... Conversely, if you haven’t heard from them before the weekend, despite your suggestive texts, it might be best to drop it as a dead hookup end and concentrate on other possibilities. Also, if you’re not interested in a repeat experience, try to avoid going to the same party as them the next night. This is to avoid unpleasant and awkward situations in which you might be mumbling advances you don’t want, at times painfully recalling the haze of the previous nights’ tumble. As I’ve tried to make obvious, change your slurry crass to class and the ladies and gents will come around for round two. And maybe three. And at the very worst, you might have just made a fun friend to flirt with. In any case, take this unique uni opportunity. As the old Jim Carrey saying goes, “He who hesitates, masturbates.”

think that there are enough sobering issues in this world to contemplate as it is, and food should not be added to the list. I can’t abide the practise of calorie counting and the scrutiny of nutritional content. For goodness’ sake, life is short, and there are many other things to be miserable about. I think that most people would be fine if they practised common sense and moderation when it comes to eating. If you would like to read about health and nutrition, there are numerous related food articles to be found – I am not going to be another preacher. I will, however, provide some easy, relatively healthy recipes that any student can whip up. I remember reading a Critic article some years ago about the average varsity student’s diet, which apparently consisted of (surprise, surprise!) lots of junk food and very little fruit or vegetables. Here are a couple of fuss-free ways to add a little zing to your vegetable intake for the day. Recipe #1 is from Gordon Ramsay’s Cookalong show. Just mix one teaspoon of Dijon mustard, one tablespoon of white wine vinegar, two or three tablespoons of olive oil, and salt and pepper in a small bowl and voila, you have a nice piquant dressing for a salad. Recipe #2 is my mum’s. Cut up a cucumber into sticks and remove the seeds. Soak the sticks in a little white vinegar and sugar mixture (just enough to cover – experiment with the vinegar and sugar amounts until you get a balance that you like) in the fridge for at least half an hour. Drain (optional) and serve. The result should be refreshing, sweet & sour-ish, crunchy cucumber sticks. You can also use carrots and cabbage if you like. 34

I don’t know many Kiwis who like tofu. Here, tofu seems to be equated with vegans and health and abhorred by the average Kiwi. It’s like kryptonite – suggest tofu for any meal and watch their faces contort in horror. I have always maintained that that is because most Kiwis have not been exposed to the different kinds of tofu and the various ways of cooking it. It may be too late for some, but here’s my attempt to introduce tofu to the rest of you. Rest assured that the recipe is flexible and you can replace the tofu with potatoes, and please use your own estimations for the ingredients by tasting as you cook.

Minced Meat & Tofu Recipe: Marinate minced meat (I like to use pork, but feel free to substitute with beef, chicken, or lamb) with corn flour, pepper and light soy sauce. l Drain tofu (use the firm kind if you’re grossed out by the soft) and set aside, OR peel and cut potatoes into cubes. Cut tofu into squares if you like. l Fry minced garlic in a little oil until fragrant. l

Shou ld w e int a fat rodu tax? ce

New Zealand has a problem. In 2007, a country so proud of its sporting heritage and outdoor lifestyle had 62.6 percent of its population overweight or obese. The causes of this are: the triple-cheeseburger-combo-extra-value-meal-deal, the hyperbolic incentivising and arm-twisting advertising of fatty and energy-dense chemicals as ‘food’, and a more sedentary lifestyle. (Contrary to lay belief, medical literature has shown it is not genetics or poor individual choices which have caused the epidemic). The health effects of this are manifest. Medically, there has been a sky-rocketing increase in type two diabetes, a tsunami of cardiovascular disease and cancer, and a library-full list of other obesity-related health effects. Economically, the rise in these costly diseases is crippling the overstretched health budget. And let us not forget the deaths and disabilities. The solution to this – which confronts the causes, eliminates the effects, and purges the problem – is the introduction of a tax on fatty and energy-dense foods, or a ‘fat-reducing tax’. This will meet eyeball-to-eyeball the callous conglomerates of ‘junk food’. It will ensure that fatty foods and fizzy drinks are treated exactly the same as cigarettes and alcohol, all of which are harmful and should be subject to a special levy. Let’s penalise tyre-sized pizzas and encourage healthy salads. Introduce a levy for a level playing field which gives Kiwis a fair choice and a fair chance. The tax revenue from this tax could be invested in obesity education programmes and pay for the costs of obesity-related illnesses. In 2004, New Zealand tax-payers paid $247 million for diabetes. By 2021, it is estimated the costs associated with diabetes will be over $1 billion. The health budget does not have this money. Thankfully, the ‘fat reducing tax’ has already been shown to be a successful solution in 18 states in the USA. To the detractors out there in PC land, the fat-reducing tax is not about restricting choice and freedom, since people can still buy and eat what they want. Rather, it is about the social responsibility which comes with any freedom; the responsibility to discourage what is harmful, pay for the 36

damage it causes, and subsidise education programmes for better nutrition. And, in the process, protect future generations from blindness, amputated legs, and death!

Although I agree that fatty foods do cause obesity, a tax on fatty foods is not the answer. Without even going into the inefficiencies of a tax, it does mean that the poor will be unfairly discriminated. Are proponents of a fat tax saying the poor are too stupid to think for themselves? What will work better? The answer is simple. Education is an effective way of combating obesity, as it causes people to think about what they are eating. By making people aware of what is in the food they are eating, they will be more informed, and will make more healthy choices on the whole and take occasional treats. This means that people will still feel in control, and in fact will gain more control of their weight than if we introduced a fat tax which would just be ignored by those that can afford it. Exercise can be effectively promoted as an alternative, as weight change is effectively food eaten minus energy used. By only focusing on one side of the equation, people are not gaining the full weight loss that could occur. Plus there are mental health benefits from exercising, and it’s a time-filler, both of which result in less eating. Finally, although a tax does mean that money is raised to pay for the bad effects of food, the good part of educating people and encouraging exercise is that hospitals will be needed less frequently, meaning fewer doctors would be needed to treat preventable diseases. These doctors could then retrain into other, stretched areas of our health system or could go into research to help discover a cure for AIDS or cancer. Prevention is better than cure. Through effective early intervention, costly procedures are avoided and medical staff and resources are more effectively used.

Debatable is a column written by the Otago University Debating Society. They meet every Tuesday at 7pm in Commerce 2.20.

Baha Men Who Let the Dogs Out (2000, Artemis)

ho let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who? That was the question on everyone’s lips in the summer of 2000 as Baha Men’s sunny dance-pop gem ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?’ took the world by storm. But while you couldn’t watch a sports montage or children’s movie trailer without hearing the Bahamian group’s ubiquitous hit, one question remained unanswered: just who did let the dogs out? The accompanying album Who Let the Dogs Out promised all the answers. After all, the title was not a question but seemingly a statement of fact, implying that we would finally be told “who let the dogs out.” However, aside from the title track (and closing number ‘Who Let the Dogs Out? [Barking Mad Mix]’) no mention is made of the titular dogs or who released them. This hardly matters, though, as you are quickly caught up in the album’s infectious feel-good vibe, a seamless mix of songs about parties (‘Get Ya Party On’), beach parties (‘Getting Hotter’) and dance parties (‘Shake it Mamma’). A particular highlight is ‘You All Dat’, a tune about partying so great that Baha Men decided to include it on their subsequent album, the millennium-celebrating 2 Zero 0-0 (released in 2001). ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ made Baha Men overnight superstars, their sudden rush to the top culminating in their 2001 Grammy win for Best Dance Recording. However, the Men were uncomfortable about beating industry heavyweights like Eiffel 65 and began to feel that their success was undeserved. At the same time, they felt that ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?’ had been overexposed and lost much of its intended meaning. They swiftly became disillusioned with the mainstream music industry, and opted instead to provide music for obscure low-budget flicks like Garfield: The Movie and Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course. Around this time they also recorded a smattering of tracks for the Disneymania compilation albums, a series designed to give exposure to artists on the underground label Walt Disney Records. But even this was too much for the group, and in 2004 they released the sombre album Holla! before retreating from the public eye indefinitely. So, while we may never know who let the dogs out, there is no doubt that it was Baha Men’s swift rise to the top that let the demons in.

ikey Tyson! He seems to be springing up a lot lately in pop culture: Rocky Balboa, The Hangover, et cetera. Now he has a doco about his life, imaginatively called Tyson. I was willing to tolerate Oprah on Tuesday to see her interview the man himself, thinking maybe I would be privy to some confessions or apologies for the things he did when he was crazy ... er. In the end I shouldn’t have even bothered squinting my eyes in frustration, trying to decode the pained clusters of syllables he was attempting to pass off as conversation. (Following his gonowhere sentences is like bashing your head against a brick wall, which Tyson in his hey-day probably would have been happy to do for you.) Oprah just asked one desultory cliché after another; Tyson shrugged, tried in vain not to look shell-shocked from years of dodging introspection of any kind, and deflected each question with a drawling, broken reply and a dismissive shrug. Then he got emotional and had a cry before he even had a chance to sputter out some coherent sentences. Oprah fail. Tyson has the emotional depth of a paddling pool, and Oprah made the mistake of donning her scuba-diving gear. I mean, this guy punched people in the face for a living, and thoroughly enjoyed it. He isn’t exactly a man of great learning or oratory ability. She probably should have expected that any in-depth analysis of his personal life would end with him imploding. I imagine Oprah was a little wary of saying anything too probing or interesting anyway, as it might spark him to repeat any of his previous offensive statements on her daytime schedule (He told Lennox Lewis he wanted to eat his children, he said he’d fight Jesus if “he was here,” and once stated that a woman interviewer could only interview him if they fornicated first: we can assume he dropped the custom for Oprah!), try to top them, or basically Hulk out. I guess in America people will forget about your crimes, you can be amazingly thick and ill-cultured, and you won’t be questioned intensively about the stupid things you did – as long as you’re famous and have lots of money (look at Paris Hilton!). But wait a minute, didn’t Tyson lose all his money? Maybe he should become a reverend like MC Hammer Tyson has the emotional depth then? Because if he can’t punch of a paddling pool, and Oprah people anymore he made the mistake of donning her doesn’t have much of a career in scuba-diving gear. public speaking.

hings got a wee bit sexual over at Allied Press this Easter break. So much so, that even the ODT’s sister publication The Star got in on the act. The first excuse was a new Highlander joining the ranks. He’s called John Hardie. Cue: ‘Hardie rising to Super challenge’ as the ODT’s headline. Nicely done. Clearly spending too much time with its naughty big brother, The Star started playing up too. The picture that was chosen to accompany a preview of “child-friendly adult show" Bubblewrap and Boxes has to be seen to be believed.

“

”

My, oh my. 38

Requirements for Making a Top 40 Pop Song

Music these days is so shit. All of it is so whiney and annoying. Why can’t it be like the good old days where 90 percent of music that was produced was drug induced? Terrible Lyrics: Ever stopped and listened to this verbal diarrhoea? I think I could create a more insightful song just by melodically singing the stuff written on the back of a cereal box. A lot of these songs are filthy, too: I’m pretty sure ‘Little Black Box’ almost certainly has nothing to do with planes ... Get Someone Else to Write it: I bet ya didn’t know the song ‘Umbrella’ was offered to Britney first and she turned it down cause she thought it was shit! Lol! And just in case you don’t know, most of this sonic trash is produced on computers. If you look hard enough, there are actually tutorials on how to make Lady Gaga songs in about 20 minutes. I guess this give her plenty of time to come up with the next fucked-up costume, which of course will not feature pants – making the rumours about her having a knob even more alarming. Singer Must Be Attractive: Yeah, OK, not on the inside, but you know what I mean. Talent is not required because they can autocorrect their voices with software (if Paris Hilton can make an album, I’m sure you can too). I must say, though, this does have its advantages: it makes girls dress sluttier. Plus, without these pop stars constantly undermining how women should be perceived, the Gender Studies department wouldn’t have anything to do. And we wouldn’t want that would we?!? Roflcopter!!!! Annoying Drum Beat: Since they use drum machines to produce horrible beats, these songs feel like being repeatedly hit in the head with a hammer. If you really enjoy this music and you don’t believe me, try it yourself. Not only will you end up agreeing with me, but you will do everyone a favour by punishing yourself for having such horrible taste in music. If you’re really lucky you might even beat it out of your system. Target Sluts Between the Ages of 12 and 16: If you enjoy this music, you probably haven’t matured enough to know what good music is. Go hang out with the rest of those butt pirates who go to Monkey Bar and have fun poisoning your ears.

Thank You for Being a Friend?

Say what you want about trash-culture successes like Lady Gaga and Gossip Girl, but here’s one thing these poppsychologists worked out that Freud never did – what women really want; or, at risk of gender-stereotyping, what this woman wants, ‘unhealthy’ as it is. To quote the lady herself: “I don’t wanna be friends.” To get my three readers up to speed, the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity of both the ego-inflating and deflating variety, culminating in Bachelor #1 unceremoniously informing me that he and his twig-thighed twenty-year-old had decided to go steady. As in, no more action for me. Fine, I hadn’t exactly been painting myself as girlfriend material (details shortly), but during such events one’s ego takes a beating, no matter how reasonable he’s being. So, I was a little crushed, like a late-season grape – hopefully, metaphor withstanding, this means I get to evolve into a glass of syrupy dessert wine. On the more ‘positive’ (or: slutty) note, in the week preceding this small set-back, I had made-out with four different people and, for the first time, gone down on a girl (and I liked it!). Before you get distracted by the latter, allow me to say this: I think a hot make-out session can provide as much je ne sais quoi as sex. What LG and GG (and various more high-brow entertainments) understand is that complexity, mess, and conflict can be hot; a lover isn’t simply a “friend with benefits” – in fact, they’re not necessarily a friend at all. Tension building up between frenemies, boundaries, jealousy, a little loathing, can add to the sparkle-motion that happens when your lips lock. This is something the entire nation of France understands instinctively, and New Zealanders vehemently oppose: the Rainbow Warrior of personal relations. Despite my acceptance of this notion, recently, my mindfucked approach appears to be back-firing: I can be quite mean. Politicians talk about the “Security Dilemma” – fear of being attacked makes a party act aggressively, thus the other believes they’re going to be attacked. In romantic liaisons, I turn into Israel. I guess, like Israel, I am new to this (after a long relationship) and while I’ll never be a Taylor Swift-style princess, I need to learn how to balance my love of dysfunction with my love of love. And until I find someone I can do that with, perhaps I should abstain from my ‘lifestyle.’ That won’t be easy, considering I get a shiver down my spine when I see certain boys walking down the street, or recall certain kisses. xoxo

Attention, apathetic minions. There has been a coup d’état within the OUSA governance structure and the reign of 2010 President Harriet Geoghegan has come to a swift and merciless end. In accordance with constitutional law, OUSA, by royal decree, hereby reinstates Lord Darlow of Larnach, Squire of the South, as OUSA President. All ye before him cower in terror as the Dark Lord rules once more. Well, not really, but wouldn’t that be cool? Or at least, reasonably amusing? The letter pages would heat up in a battle over which of the (seven or so) contributors can rag on which President the most, and maniacal laughter would spring forth from the Postgraduate lounge (along with a feeling of grandiose self-importance). Student politics would be in chaos, and VSM would be the fatal blow to a crumbling organisation. Except, that hasn’t happened. Harriet is away for just a week, Darlow has been extradited to Canada, OUSA is continuing to provide exceptional representation and services – thanks to our members’ (your) support – and the battle against VSM continues. So, I got told to “drop some hints” regarding our strategic direction (OUSA’s revised Strategic Plan *coming soon*) and what the rest of our Executive is doing (recovering after mammoth shifts of bucket delivery, Fair Trade Easter Egg hiding, hot chocolate distributing, and asking “Are You OK?”), but I thought I’d just pick some random topics and have a bit of a rant. In the University Senate the other day, there was a proposal suggested to make all outside areas within six metres of buildings smoke-free. While I have little sympathy for Cancerians (people who partake in activities which have a high risk of cancer association, not those born 21 June – 22 July), I do understand that they do suffer from an addiction. With Dunedin’s “temperamental” weather, it would seem a bit rough to throw those with a dependency on nicotine six metres away from any form of shelter. So, what do we do? I suggest building some sort of sheltered pergola and naming it the Nicotarium. We could maybe even have three or four of these things – the Nicotaria. That way, the smokers can have shelter and nicotine, and the 4.20 protesters can have somewhere to hang their banner ... They also mentioned something about limiting enrolment, and culling the Design Studies Department, but at that point I was too busy (a) designing the Nicotaria and (b) thinking of a cunning plan to trick Sir Professor Lord King Grand Wizard David Skegg into civil union-ing me in order to get my grubby hands on his moolah. He is one handsome man. Oh, and contact Dan Stride (csr@ousa.org.nz) if you have an awkward study timetable, and Diversity Week and Healthy Lifestyles Week is this week – diversify your health!

ia Ora! My name is Khan Murray and I am one of the newly elected Kaiwhakahaere on Te Roopu Maori, along with Rewiri Newton. I am looking forward to working on Te Roopu Maori this coming year, as there are many events and activities planned for Maori students. I am a second year-Commerce student majoring in Management with a minor in Marketing. My iwi is Te Rarawa and I hail from a small township in Northland called Broadwood, which has won best New Zealand town four times running. I love the student life, although like most students I wish I had more money (mum?). I’d first like to thank all you students who signed the petition against the Government’s proposed Freedom of Association bill. Every single name counts! I just hope the Government is able to see what student associations mean to university life. Personally, I think making student associations voluntary will damage the University of Otago’s reputation, as the student communities are what make this city. A few weeks back, Te Roopu Maori had a movie trip outing to Hoyts, to watch the world-famous in New Zealand movie Boy. I believe many students could relate to the story as most had similar childhoods. To my knowledge the evening was a huge success with laughter from beginning to end, and Fallyn stating it was “Crack up” in true Maori style. I’d like to thank all who helped organise the trip and recommend to everyone to go and see this movie, as it will be a New Zealand classic. Future events on the calendar include the Maori Ball, which will be held at the beginning of second semester. An email will go out shortly to all Te Roopu Maori students regarding themes and also asking if any students would like to help with the Maori Ball by being on the Committee. I hope you do consider helping out as this night is guaranteed to be epic, and the more people who help with decorations and setting up, the more fun and successful the Ball night will be. So, please keep your eyes open for information about this event and get in touch with Te Roopu Maori if you have any ideas for the night. Last of all I would like to follow on from Rimutere Wharakura and give a huge shout-out to Nicole Stowers and of course my flatties Dee, James, and Natia, who make my whare (look at me using Maori words) so much better. I hope everyone has an amazing week. Work hard on your studies, and don’t be shy to pop into Te Roopu if you have any questions or problems, because we are here to help.

Letter of the Week

wins a $30 book voucher THAT IS LIKE, SO TOTALLY INSENSITIVE. OH MY GOD.

Dearest Critic, During a recent venture to the uni library I decided to lock myself away from the world in the infamous Celebrity Squares. With the lower levels being completely fulled up I was forced to venture to the top. Whilst setting up my laptop I gazed over to the other side and nearly SHIT BRIX - the ugly metal workstations are fucking swastikas!!!1! I’ve seen it, now I can’t unsee it. Who the fuck desgined this? Does the uni find it aesthetically pleasing?! Sincerely, Minuth A REBUTTAL

A comment on Paul Hunt’s argument, that claimed there’s no need to enforce minimum BMIs for professional models. Anorexia doesn’t just damage lives, it endangers them. For people who are mentally unstable, is the modeling industry a ‘vital support network’? It’s about recognising the power that the media has on people’s self worth (look at the title of this section). According to Hunt ‘eating disorders arise from a misconception causing women to believe they’re too big’. Ironic given in the last paragraph Hunt condemns the simplification of eating disorders. Stopping someone from working as a model isn’t going to make the issue go away but to allow them to continue is a direct message of social acceptance of the disease. Hunt is under the delusion that a member of the public will tap an anorexic model on the shoulder and point out an illness their family and friends so carelessly missed. A more likely scenario involves a member of the public buying the product or dieting to match the ideal this model has promoted. 42

Models don’t raise publicity of eating disorders, they publicise them as normal. If magazines were donned with pictures of models in hospital beds they would be ‘exposing’ eating disorders. Elena Holdaway ARM WRESTLE?

Dearest Metrosexual (or female? It’s pretty hard to tell...), For a moment you almost had me there, but I can see through your plans. You’re trying to get pussy by claiming you actually give a fuck what chicks wear. Nice work – I’m sure the girls are stoked. You must feel like a goddamn hero! As for your inability to memorise the All Blacks starting lineup, clearly you must not have a lot of brainpower because it’s not very difficult. Maybe if you spent less time using your ‘brainpower’ to masturbate over handbags and belts, you might actually be able to focus on things that matter (like Rugby). Lots of love, Josh Hercus

YOU COVER YOUR BOOKS? WHAT ARE YOU FOURTH FORM? YUSS, KEY BURN.

Dear Critic, It is with great sadness that I note the ongoing lack of beautifully artistic centerfolds. Please encourage the artistically inclined to contribute … for the benefit of my walls, my books (still uncovered) & the many gifts I anticipate wrapping – if the wrapping paper would just return! Cheers, Nat BRAVE CALL

Dear Critic, I can understand that sometimes parents have to take their kids to uni. As much as I detest Bishop Tamaki I have to say enough is enough when a parent lets their toddler run around the library yelling while they are texting and keeping a vague eye on them and the rest of us poor bastards are trying to write essays. She stands outside a studyroom , her chid bangs on the glass and yells, why couldn’t the mother wait in the link. It’s not fair. - Lucky listener.

WE’LL PASS THAT ON. THANKS.

Dear Critic, Two weeks ago you covered the Dunedin fashion week but I have to say the week was a failure. I am not talking about the events themselves. I’m talking about how the fashion week had not been able to make people in Dunedin understand what fashion is all about!!! The slutty girls running around the lib believe that the shorter the skirt (or shirt) is the more fashionable it is. Showing your underwear is not fashion!!! Then on the other part of the spectrum we have the die-hard track pants people, who wear the same pair everyday to class. Bro (and chicks sometimes) your starting to become the smelly kid in class!!! Take a shower and change your clothes. Maybe next year, the fashion week organizers can run sessions on what is and what isn’t acceptable to wear. Yours, A disgruntled fashion critique

VSM! VSM! VSM!

Dear Critic, In reply to Edward Greig’s latest column: 1. OUSA already has Freedom of Association, and has multiple legal opinions to back this up (Edward Greig’s word vs. Sir Geoffrey Palmer’s? I don’t know about you, but when talking about Rights, I’d take the opinion of the guy who wrote the New Zealand Bill of Rights Act). 2. Greig cannot come up with a simple example of OUSA ever actually turning down an opt-out request (I know this because I’ve asked him). 3. As for the old chestnut that students will sign up if OUSA provides good services: - Under VSM we’d be forced to divert money away from providing services because we’d need to spend all our time advertising to get people to sign up (just ask our Auckland colleagues). - OUSA’s job is to provide services students need, not just those that they want.

BE QUICK IF YOU WANT TO BE PART OF THE MAGIC! for The Midwinter Carnival is looking ers danc six s: rmer perfo volunteer , two (dance background not essential) rs. ‘dress-movers,’ two saxophone playe 26. June rday Satu n: essio Midwinter proc 26 Contact Kate 473 6488; text 027 399 39; email kategrace@clear.net.nz

Try making Representation “sexy” (hint: you can’t). - Some of our services are non-divisible (Representation!), thus creating a free-rider problem under VSM. If Greig thinks people will pay for something they can get for free, there’s a Clocktower over by the Leith that I’d like to sell him. OUSA is campaigning against VSM because students told us to (via SGM). On the other hand, given that Greig and friends have ignored all the available democratic avenues (and are relying on a diktat from Wellington), one suspects that the pro-VSM bunch wouldn’t recognise a student mandate if it got up and bit them. -Dan Stride BUT IT’S MINE!

Dear bandwagon riders, Before you get on your high horse and condemn the mining in nz’s national parks maybe you should consider the benefits that such a project can have on wee nz. Sure, I understand that you feel upset about the prospect of people digging holes on an island that you probably have never, and will never visit. And I get that you see this as the beginning of a slippery slope to destroying more of our national parks for economic gain and I admit that this is a worry. However, this will help remedy the wage gap between nz and Australia. It’s so large because of Australia’s mineral wealth. Miners get paid heaps, and it is mostly unskilled labour. Having new mines in nz would decrease the amount of unemployment and increase the average wage. Think about the $18 billion of revenue that will be gained and kept within the country as the mines will be government owned. That’s $18 billion from fuck all amount of land. There are worse things to worry about. Why don’t you think about nz’s obesity problem or something? Yours truly Unconcerned resident. OH MAN, BUMMER

Dear fun police, Thanks for ridding Dunedin of the many hosts to student nightlife. I refer to, of course:

Sammy’s, Gardies, Bowler, Bath St, and hopefully The Cock (it’s that little pub that the unintelligent flock to). Oh and thanks for disallowing promotion of such events as Pint night at Refuel. Who’s the smart cookie who thought this one up? “Oh hey, let’s not encourage drunken disorderly behaviour by shutting them out of said places. Sure those places kept them off the street but at least they have more time to riot!” P.S. - we’re going streaking! - Hans

OTAGO AUSSIE RULES AGM Notice is hereby served that the Otago Australian Rules Football Club will hold its annual general meeting at 7:30pm, Tuesday Apr il 13 in Room 5 at the Clubs and Societies building. Members and any interested people are invited to attend.

MORE POOS!

Dear Critic, I was sitting down and enjoying my poo when suddenly the toilet started flushing and my balls and drooper got splashed with cold flush-water. What the fuck? I jumped up and the thing flushed again. Obviously it had gone insane. Whose idea was automatic flush toilets anyway? What’s so damn hard about pressing a button? And auto flush doesn’t even work that well! Sometimes the flush doesn’t go off and you have to perform a squat-stand-squat boogie dance until the damn thing gets its act together. Sometimes it flushes for the hell of it and your balls get wet, re: me. Wet toilet balls are going to haunt me in my sleep now, thank you very much central library. And sometimes you come in to the toilets and the bowl is filled with shit and mush because the last person didn’t bother to do the squat-dance. Well I’m not going to dance for another man’s shit! And especially not with wet balls. Sincerely, Prefers dry balls. LETTERS POLICY Letters should be 200 words or less. The deadline is Tuesday at 5pm. Get them to us by putting them in the mailbox under the Union stairs, emailing us at critic@critic.co.nz, or posting them to us at PO Box 1436, Dunedin. All letters must include full contact details (name, street address and phone number), even if you don’t want these details printed. Letters of a serious nature addressing a specific group or individual will not be published under a pseudonym, except in extraordinary circumstances as negotiated with the Editor.

SEMAPHORE MAGAZINE Do you write short stories or poetry? Submit your work to Semaphore Magazine, New Zealand’s only paying e-zine specialising in sci fi and fantasy. Check our submission guidelines and read some back issues at www.semaphoremagazine.com.

STUDENTSOUL Cafe-style church service for students, Sunday April 18, 7pm, at George Street School Hall. Theme: Prayer with a difference. Contact Rev. Helen Harray, 027 473 0042.

WRITING CLUB A new writing club is being set up on campus. Pick up your pen, dust off your desktop, pull that halffinished novel or notebook full of poetry from the bottom drawer, and contact Alec at dawal062@student. otago.ac.nz to find out more.

Critic reserves the right to edit, abridge, or decline letters without explanation. We don’t fix the spelling or grammar in letters. If the letter writer looks stupid, it’s because they are. 43

O F rigi of < Gk n: of c kr 169 cr fe ritic itik 5â&#x20AC;&#x201C;1 ju itic m. ism th 705 dg al of , e a ; < ing , s k n. r ; r kil riti uset . c le kĂł rit d s ic in

>>>>

>>>

God of War III

od of War III is the long-anticipated final chapter in the bloody God of War series. The series is known for its brutal combat mechanics, which allow the player to kill, dismember, or rip apart opponents in various ways. This final addition puts its predecessors to shame in this and many other aspects. The graphics in this game are amazing. They are full high-definition, and incredibly detailed. There are more textures and shaders for boxes than there were for Kratos (the main protagonist) in the predecessors. The beautifully rendered enemies and scenery make playing the game an amazing experience, whether you’re looking for a hidden item or decapitating enemies. One relatively minor problem was that I’d occasionally fall through the scenery. This was rare, though, and was only a little frustrating. The combat system is an advancement of the wonderful one used in God of War III’s predecessors. As is standard with the series, you aquire new weapons as you play, but unique to this newest addition, all of them are actually useful. The graphics combined with the combat lead to some incredibly graphic finishers. The platforming is fun and rewarding with some new and interesting twists. Santa Monica Studios has done a wonderful job learning from past projects, and has removed all of the types of puzzle that were pull-your-hair-out aggravating! God of War III’s story line is a revenge-driven slaughter, similar to its predecessors. It’s a little more dispersed, and has a somewhat bizarre ending, but over all is very enjoyable and will keep you going. If you enjoyed the previous God of War games, this is a must-play. If you haven’t given any of them a try yet, don’t worry. Read the backstory on Wikipedia, and enjoy the graphic, brutal and brilliantly-realised combat.

Mark Pritchard aka Harmonic313

he quintessential cardigan-wearing English gentleman living in Australia, the first time I call Mark Pritchard on his cell-phone, the geezer is busy enjoying a bite to eat at a restaurant somewhere near his studio in Sydney, and probably enjoying a nice cup of tea as well. When I call back half an hour later, Pritchard is walking to his windowless basement studio. As opposed to asking me to ring back again though, he starts offering up a few random thoughts about his day. “I’ve been on the late shift lately,” he laughs. “I’m trying to get back on the normal working hours, but for the last three or four weeks, no matter what I do, I seem to work till seven or eight in the morning.” Quintessential in more ways then one, Pritchard, a self-described lover of “heavy, aggressive, no-messing-about UK-style club music,” seems to either spend his nights working away in the studio or DJing in nightclubs across the globe. Situation or context regardless, the end result seems to always be synthetic, low-end underpinned, stuttering electronic soundworlds which over the course of a career spanning twenty or so years (and multiple continents) has run the full gamut of electronic sounds. Techno, electro, ambient, wonky, drum and bass, dubstep; you name it, Pritchard has been there, done that. And with affiliations like Warp Records, Good Looking, Hyperdub, and Far Out Records on his résumé, you know what time it is. Then there is his long-term association with fellow musical Jedi Tom Middleton and remix work for the likes of The Orb, A Tribe Called Quest, KRS-1, and Stereopeople - impressive credentials for a country boy from Yeovil, UK, who for the past five years has made Sydney in Australia his home. Throughout all this, night time, and the environment it provides, has been key. “There is just something about working through the night,” he muses. “Nobody calls you, there is nothing going on; it’s quiet, and I can just go off and do my thing. The only problem is it’s a bit weird to do it, because you sort of end up going into another world; and the real world starts feeling a bit weird.” While admitting to some reservations about this, and conceding that at times he switches his schedule to daylight hours, Pritchard has a functional rationale for working under the cover of darkness, within a space of quiet and calm. In his words, “The way I look at making music is the same reasons why people meditate. There are different parts of the process where it’s different. There is mixing and arranging, which are the hard work parts, which are more like going to work and doing a job. The actual creation though, the process of the creation of music, the reason why I like doing it is because I pretty much disappear. Like I said before, I can basically just shut my mind off.” Throughout our twenty-minute phone conversation, this theme of shutting off, going blank during the act of creation, if you will, is central to Pritchard’s thoughts on music and its actualisation. “Through music, I can shut all that shit that’s going on [in my life] out,” he states. “All that stress, all that stuff that I’m worried about, all the general noise that is going on; and I can just get into the studio. It takes time to get to that point and some days it doesn’t happen. Sometimes it just takes hours... It really is an amazing place to be at that point. It doesn’t really get better then that, for me anyway.”

And while Pritchard’s loping, electronically focused, computeresque song arrangements and wonky sci-fi referencing grooves are born of an isolated, meditative state, he increasingly finds himself in a world where the focus is on anything but singularity. Sometimes this worries him, other times not so much. “It is hard to focus nowadays with the way things are,” he despairs. “The way we’re living, the way technology is. You know? Internet, email, Myspace, Twitter, Facebook. “These things are the opposite of getting to that place! All that stuff is really addictive, you know? Some of it is actually even necessary! It’s amazing, and there are amazing sorts of things happening through all these things. But yeah, you can also really get caught up in all of that. If you’re doing that, you’re not focusing. I’ve worked with a lot of people that are from a different generation to me. And, you know, that is how they work. They’re on i-chat, Myspace, Twitter, and making beats, and emailing all at the same time; and on the phone! They’re making a beat and doing all that stuff, all at the same time. That is how they do it. They need all this stimulation. I can’t do it. I really can’t do it. It doesn’t really work for me.” At the same time he’s no technophobe or future fearer, and definitely doesn’t see the music of today through shit-tinted lenses. Pritchard admits that he believes a lot of amazing material is being written; it’s just the new generation of processes that troubles him. Which is understandable, as the hectic, flicking, constant stream of input that we associate with modern life is definitely the antithesis of Pritchard’s fundamental core reason for sculpting out new expansive realities in electronic music. “The more I’ve thought about it over the years ... it’s just getting in touch with yourself,” he offers. “Shutting down all your stress, ego. Shutting everything off and letting whatever comes out, come out. Then I think at that point – then whatever comes out is going to be quite true. At that point, things do happen, out of nowhere. I’ll do something; then all of a sudden I’ll be like, where did that come from?”

This April, Mark Pritchard touches down in New Zealand for a series of four DJ performances around the country under the Harmonic313 moniker. Don’t miss out on the sound of now.

SEE HIM LIVE April 14 at South with Freestylers and Foreign Beggers OUT NOW Harmonic313 – When Machines Exceed Human Intelligence

The Hurt Locker Directed By Katherine Bigelow

Having a bomb in every scene makes a film seem explosive. What I loved about The Hurt Locker was its simplicity. It’s easy enough to follow, every scene is life vs. death, but the characters are wonderfully interesting and well developed, and hey, it also won Best Picture, so it’s got that going for it too. An American Army bomb squad unit in Iraq loses their team leader in a blast, and the replacement is Sergeant James (Jeremy Renner), an experienced bomb diffuser who is eerily calm. To the dismay of his second-in-command, Sergeant Sanborn (Anthony Mackie), James shows on their first day that he’s a cowboy. He approaches the roadside bomb without an inch of hesitation, and also without telling his team what the heck the plan is. Sanborn is a different type of soldier: he counts the days left on his tour of duty, he hates the war, and just wants to get out alive. Their third, Specialist Eldridge, who is played excellently by Brian Geraghty, is a younger soldier struggling with depression who looks to James and Sanborn as role-models. James’ hero antics are a major problem for Sanborn; he’s impressed by the man’s talent, but it could end up getting them all killed. Is Sergeant James a war hero or is he just a reckless adrenaline junky who lives the war like it’s a video game? But in Iraq there’s no second chance; each bomb could be the last.

Nowhere Boy Directed by Sam Taylor-Wood

This John Lennon biopic isn’t as wild as you’d expect. It’s a careful review of Lennon’s pre-Beatle years, focusing not on Lennon as rebel genius, but on his teenage vulnerability: his love for his parents, and the pain of their rejection. At 17, living with his aunt (Kristin Scott Thomas) and uncle in Woolton, the young John (Aaron Johnson) is aimless and bored; then his uncle dies, leading to John’s discovery of his true mother (Anne-Marie Duff). They bond at their first reunion, and John longs to leave his stiff aunt to live with his free-spirited mum. But of course, Julia isn’t what she seems, and John’s pain finds its release in rock ‘n’ roll. The cast is fantastic. Johnson actually looks like Lennon, and his mannerisms are exact. Co-stars Scott Thomas and Duff, and notably Thomas Sangster, who plays a young Paul McCartney, are so good you forget they’re acting. Nowhere Boy is emotionally powerful, and very well-done for a biopic. It just doesn’t quite channel the spirit of John Lennon. But it is good watching, especially for Beatles fans, who will get a wee thrill spotting Lennon’s future famous bandmates among his acquaintances before their names are mentioned. But they might be annoyed about the lack of any famous Beatles tunes.

How to Train Your Dragon Directed by: Dean Deblois & Chris Sanders

In an age where 3D technology is becoming the primary appendage for hooking audiences, it’s refreshing to watch a film that uses it more as an accessory than the main attraction (*cough* Avatar *cough*). Directed by Dean Deblois and Chris Sanders (Lilo & Stitch) the film is set around a Viking village on the island of Berk that is periodically raided by dragons that steal from the villagers’ flock of sheep. The film follows the adventures of Hiccup, a scrawny, awkward, and socially outcast Viking boy who aspires to follow the tradition of his tribe in becoming a dragon-slayer, only to discover that he does not share his fellow Vikings’ brutish nature. The film itself is visually stunning, with beautifully drawn landscapes and characters. The dragons are especially well-crafted, ranging from a fire-breathing monster to a comical flying blowfish. Although I was skeptical at first, the 3D elements were also a nice touch. It made the island of Berk a little more immersive. However, where the film really shines is in its musical score, which is brilliantly composed and enhances the emotion of every scene it is used in. Like any film, however, How to Train Your Dragon has its flaws. It heavily relies on slapstick humour. Also, without giving too much away, the central message of the film is basically thrown out the window during the climax which made the film seem slightly shallow as I left the cinema. Despite the critique, How to Train Your Dragon was a good film. No, it’s no Pixar’s Up, but it makes for a fun, heart-warming and light-hearted hour and 20 minutes. Check it out.

The Men Who Stare At Goats Directed by Grant Heslov

The Men Who Stare At Goats is a witty military comedy in the tradition of Stripes, Catch-22, and the Hot Shots franchise. Ewan McGregor plays journalist Bob Wilton, who goes to Iraq to prove to his wife, who has left him for his prosthetic-limbed boss, that he is not a wuss. When he gets there he meets Lyn Cassady (George Clooney!) a former soldier in a special new-age US Army Unit, the “New Earth Army.” The unit was started by Bill Django (Jeff Bridges!) back in the ‘70s to train soldiers to arm themselves with psychic powers of the mind. The film tells the hilarious backstory of the New Earth Army, from its rise to its demise at the hands of Cassady’s rival, Larry Hooper (Kevin Spacey!), while Wilton and Cassady embark on an adventure into war-torn Iraq. Cassady shares his powers with Wilton as they go in and out of danger in deserts and cities. Men Who Stare pokes fun at the new-age movement, war journalism, and all the Iraq war clichés like secret prisons, kidnappings, and battles between rival mercenary contractors. But underneath the satire there is a serious and thoughtful critique of military and media institutions. And did you know they play Barney the Dinosaur songs on repeat to prisoners of war?

The Bible – The Basics

A Short Introduction to the Hebrew Bible

Fortress Introduction to the Hebrew Bible

John Barton Routledge

John J. Collins Fortress Press

Gerd Theissen Fortress Press

ince my review of it, several people have reported previous failed attempts to read the Bible. To them, it’s just a huge and messy collection of archaic texts with no discernible themes or plots. Surely my review was a gross oversimplification, merely plastering over the literary chaos. I was repeatedly asked to recommend short, accessible, and fair guides to the book. Rising to the challenge, I tracked down three introductions to the Bible that fulfill these criteria (re: fairness – many introductions are overtly and unduly confessional, either from particular religious or anti-religious perspectives. I avoided those). John Barton’s The Bible: The Basics was serendipitously delivered to me unsolicited by its publisher just as I started my quest. It turned out to fit my criteria perfectly, and is now the first book I recommend to anyone who wants a general introduction to the Bible. Barton begins with a history of biblical interpretation, discussing traditional readers’ assumptions and the potential repercussions of modern critical scholarship for them. He proceeds to explain how each biblical ‘book’ has a complex history, often involving oral transmission, textual transmission, editing, translation, and compilation. Then, he discusses the various genres within the text. By this point the reader is in a significantly better position to begin reading the Bible. The rest of the book covers theological themes in and historical value of the Bible, the historical and social contexts of the biblical periods, and current debates in interpretive methods; these chapters are interesting, but not as immediately helpful as the first three. I’ve long admired Barton’s work, but this is perhaps his most widely useful book yet. If you’re dissatisfied with just a short primer, you may want separate introductions to Old Testament (OT) and New Testament (NT) written by specialist scholars. John Collins’s Short Introduction to the Hebrew Bible is a good starting point for the OT. Like Barton, Collins discusses the history, genre, content, and (where relevant) historical accuracy of biblical texts, but in far greater detail. Collins also doesn’t assume familiarity with the Bible, though it’d pay to know something about the Bible first. Try reading Barton’s first three chapters, and then Collins’s section of the relevant text before attempting the text itself. Finally, Gerd Theissen’s Fortress Introduction to the New Testament stands out as the oldest book here, and the only one not originally written in English. It’s also the least introductory of the three. Luke Johnson’s A Very Short Introduction might be better in that respect, but I don’t think it offers much more than Barton’s Basics. Besides, Theissen’s Introduction is more analogous to Collins’: it generally introduces the literary genres, and then takes us through the texts in detail. Theissen does this in chronological order of composition, which simultaneously provides a history of the early Church. A nifty bonus feature! However, using Theissen’s Introduction is less straightforward. I recommend attempting to tackle the NT texts right after reading Barton’s Basics and/or Theissen’s introductory chapter, then reading Theissen’s chapter on the given text, and finally re-reading the text in light of Theissen’s (often interesting and thought-provoking) commentary. Hard work, but well worth it. So far, I’ve assumed readers’ unfamiliarity with the Bible, but Christians who read the Bible regularly stand to benefit a lot from these books too. They often provide fresh perspectives on stale texts, which help us appreciate them more. Perhaps it’s unsurprising that Barton, Collins, and Theissen do such marvellous jobs teaching the Bible to the religious and secular alike; after all, their students at Oxford, Yale, and Heidelberg respectively come from diverse backgrounds. Readers from Otago should find their work similarly enlightening.

Salem Brownstone – All Along the Watchtower

John Harris Dunning & Nikhil Singh Walker Books

love graphic novels. I really do. I am constantly astonished by the power and awesomeness of their pages. Yes, there are bad graphic novels out there, but one of the great things about them is that relatively high production costs keep a lot of trash off the shelves (compared, say, to young adult fiction … sigh). Classics like Alan Moore’s From Hell may be familiar, or Neil Gaiman’s Coraline, but fewer people have heard of Chris Ware, even though Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth must be one of the most amazing pieces of fin de siècle literature from the last century. I hadn’t heard of Salem Brownstone, either, though I’m fucking thankful my synesthaesia forced me to grab the big purple book off the Critic bookshelf. What emerged from between the covers was an extraordinary Gothic fairy tale. Focusing on the life of the eponymous main character – Salem Brownstone – after he receives news of his father’s death, the ‘comic’ quickly descends into exquisitely detailed pop-psych territory, with hints of Aubrey Beardsley and heavy manga framing influences. It was incredibly unpredictable, and its perspective shifts constantly, but never lost me for a second. I seriously can’t describe how enticing and beautiful Nikhil Singh’s illustrations are, and how seductive he makes the utterly surreal semi-Victorian world of All Along the Watchtower. There are some great inversions – God seems to be a smug fish, and Salem doesn’t run away with the circus, they run away with him, etc. And the obligatory sight gags: firemen with “Where’s the fire at?” emblazoned on their jackets. I wouldn’t necessarily hand it to an eight-year-old, and at times I thought Dunning’s prose was a little creaky, but I don’t think I turned a page without letting out a small inner gasp at what Singh had inked. Look out for this one. It’s big, purple, and brilliant.

T In/visible Sight: The Mixed-Descent Families of Southern New Zealand

Angela Wanhalla Bridget Williams Books

his slim text, written by one of Otago’s award-winning academics, delves into the history of colonial MaoriPakeha intermarriage in southern New Zealand, a part of New Zealand’s colonial past that hasn’t often been the focus of attention. In fact, interracial relations are increasingly the subject of academic interest across various disciplines, and In/visible Sight is an important addition to this growing field. Wanhalla is open about her personal investment in her research: she’s the product of a Maori-Pakeha intermarriage, and her people come from Maitapapa (now called Henley), which, like a lot of places in southern New Zealand, has a long history of intermarriage that has uniquely shaped the specifically Ngai Tahu experience of colonialism. In fact, the perception of Ngai Tahu as “the white tribe” crucially stems from the high rate of intermarriage between Maori and, initially, sealers and whalers, and later British immigrants moving into the Otago-Southland area. Wanhalla traces this history of intermarriage through the last two centuries, gracefully integrating statistics, historical documentation, oral histories, and photographic archives. Looking at colonial history through the lens of intermarriage – or more specifically, through the eyes of those who can’t be classified as “either/or” – reveals new facets of that history. Women’s domestic lives and choices enter the spotlight, and the colonial government’s treatment of mixed-descent New Zealanders casts into relief their attitude to Maori in general. My only quibble is the survey-like quality of the text. I was left searching for a stronger argumentative thread throughout. But maybe it’s the curse of the frontiers(wo)man, to stake one’s claim on new territory without getting a chance to really dig in. Overall, though, In/visible Sight is a masterful exploration of an aspect of colonial New Zealand too long hidden from view.

LTT REVIEW: Seven Jewish Children: A play for Gaza Written by Caryl Churchill Directed by Erica Newlands, Simon O’Connor, Clare Adams, and Richard Huber. Staring Clare Adams, Thom Adams, Louise Beuvink, Adamina Carden, Richard Huber, Anna Parsons, Maryse Ridler, Paul Rothwell, Nadya Shaw Bennett, and Sue Taylor. Allen Hall Lunchtime Theatre

7 Jewish Children was written by Caryl Churchill in 2009 as a response to the Israeli army’s invasion of Gaza in January of that year. The first performance was staged at London’s Royal Court Theatre on February 6, 2009. Churchill stipulates that anyone wishing to put on this play may do so for free as long as a collection is taken and the proceeds are sent to Medical Aid for Palestinians (MAP), a British medical aid and advocacy organization. Caryl’s script is largely constructed through a series of direct statements beginning with “Tell her,” and “Don’t tell her” as the changing characters debate how much information a certain child should be given about particular events throughout recent Jewish history. An obvious break from this was a large monologue in the final scene, adequately delivered in this performance by Beuvink. This monologue, where the impetus to speak was drawn from the desire to “Tell her,” draws us into the reality of the horrific atrocities the characters had been only vaguely referring to throughout the play: “... Tell her I look at one of their children covered in blood and what do I feel? Tell her all I feel is happy it’s not her.” What I loved about this production was its simplicity. The directorial decisions were made by a team of experienced practitioners and, needless to say, a lot can be learnt from them. The stage was thoughtfully set up and the seven short scenes were visually engaging as different parts of the stage were occupied and a few chosen props were used to help us differentiate between the spaces the characters inhabited. On the whole the acting was convincing, although the more experienced actors, Adams, Adams, Huber, and Shaw Bennett, helped the rest of the cast by injecting an air of sheer believability into the piece. I do have to commend this piece for both its contribution to the humanitarian cause and its ability to reaffirm that when you are creating a piece of theatre simplicity is often the best route to take. Fringe Review: Burlesque as You Like It The Dust Palace (Auckland) Regent Theatre

“You don’t get to play with us but you do get to play along.” Burlesque? Striptease, you might think? Classy striptease, even? Well, no, not really. This particular incarnation of burlesque, a rather elusive performance genre in itself, straddled the fields of acrobatics, comedy, and theatre. The troupe of stunning performers, clad or often partially clad in sequins, “gently undress[ed] ideas around modern and historic sexuality” before our very eyes, in what was an interesting and highly enjoyable show. Burlesque as You Like It was an absolute visual feast (and not just in that way!) Costuming, lighting, and staging were expertly employed to only ever let us see what we were allowed to see as we were teased and seduced into their world of salacious storytelling. It was all about the game: topless tap-dancers with their backs to us, reverse strip-tease, a clumsy stripper repeatedly failing to make her costume comply. It was all a game and the audience loved it; but in true ‘want-what-you-don’t-have’ style, the audience fell awkwardly hushed and averted their eyes when (finally) a lean and flirty woman danced about the stage, fully naked, for their enjoyment. I’d like to venture that this was a point they wanted to make.

Neil Dawson Deck: Second Hand

eil Dawson, a leading New Zealand sculptor of international acclaim, is Milford Galleries exhibiting his latest Until April 21 works. They explore the decorative form of the ubiquitous patterns that embellish a mass-produced, humble commodity: the deck of cards. His sculptural works typically engage in an optical play between space, light, and viewpoint, as the viewer moves up to and around the wall-hangings to comprehend their three-dimensionality. Details of the pattern on the various screen-printed card designs pop out and emphasis their decorative forms. Design dictates each work’s three-dimensional shape and also provides some cultural and social entanglements. Each wall sculpture is accompanied by its reversed pair, a setup that simultaneously reveals the card’s design and its face value, and divorces the playing card from the notions of chance, risk, and mystery. The cards are stripped back to a mass-produced commodity, which allows for Dawson’s formal investigation of pattern and design. Deck: Ten of Spades projects a cut-out Spanish design of floral trumpets and Deck: Five of Diamonds exhibits a design reminiscent of the decadently decorative textile designs of William Morris and the tastes of imperial Britain. Approaching the latter work, a cut-out of the Taj Mahal takes shape, though, unlike the other wall-hangings, it does so in conflict with the lines of the pattern. This incoherence between the design and form symbolises the social conflict during the British Raj. The two stand-out works of the exhibition are architecturally literal renditions of the expression a ‘house of cards’. Whare is constructed from a bright red and white deck representing tukutuku panels and the intricate carvings of a Maori meetinghouse façade. Metaphor aside, the card design is distinctly non-Maori, emphasising the influence of European settlers upon whare architecture and, within a wider social narrative, upon Maori culture generally. Rua’s Temple is a simplified model of early twentieth-century Maori prophet Rua Kenana’s Urewera temple and council house, a bizarre cylindrical architectural design adorned with the card symbols spades and diamonds. Dawson’s very literal rendering also symbolises the structural and social fragility of the temple, which was demolished and replaced in 1914. Dawson’s complex treatment puts aside the more playful notions associated with the playing card and presents a new way of looking at card design going beyond form into socio-cultural contexts.

Neil Dawson Whare (2009) Screenprinted & powdercoated stainless steel