Issue 10, 2010

ISSUE 10 / MAY 10th / 2010

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I AL

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DIT OR

18 CAPPING SHOW: REALLY OLD A Capping Show Retrospective

22 PERPETUAL STUDENTS

ONT P

The Government Says it's Time You Moved On

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26 GRADUATING Who are you?

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U AT RES

31 SOAP BOX

54

C K PA GE

BA 32 COLUMNS

45 ART 41 BOFS

46 FILM 42 LETTERS

48 MUSIC

50 BOOKS

52 PERFORMANCE

53 GAMES

Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, Planet Media, or OUSA. Press Council: people with a complaint against a newspaper should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary, PO Box 10-879 The Terrace, Wellington.

03

It’s graduation time at University. Everyone who finished up at the end of last year leaves their high-paying jobs up north and rolls into town for the weekend for one last blowout in Dunedin. Then it’s back to work on Monday.

Most of them only left after exams last November, but it is interesting to note how things have changed since then.

Firstly, the University bought Gardies for the sole purpose of shutting it down. Cue outrage from older students and indifference from freshers who now party in the Octagon, apparently.

Then Design Studies got the chop (p13).

And now we can report that three other areas of the University are under review. The Government has cut funding to universities, and this is how Otago is responding. Vice Chancellor Sir Professor David Skegg lays out the University’s perspective and tells us that the College of Education, the Department of Social Work and Community Development, and the Departments of Accountancy and Business Law and Finance and Quantitative Analysis are all being looked at. “In some of these areas, the possibility of merging parts of existing departments is under consideration,” Sir Professor Skegg says. But “no final decisions have been made …”

In our weekly look at the Otago Daily Times (p38) we call out the rag for claiming morale at the University is plummeting, which they based on some guy saying … not exactly that. This also seems to have hit a nerve with Sir Professor Skegg, who rejects the suggestion. “Many of our staff would be very worried if the University were not taking appropriate steps to prepare for the changed financial environment,” he tells Critic this week (p9).

But what about students? The University has shut down a beloved pub, is closing down departments, and this week locked out many students from Blackboard (p8).

Meanwhile, the Government is slapping a $50 fee on every year you don’t pay your loan off (p10) while also trying to hurry you up and out into the real world (p22); plus, the Cook has had its license suspended for 24 hours (p15).

Holy shit!

I’m not going to go all ODT on you, but student morale could quite possibly be taking a hit as well. I know a lot of students back in town for graduation are asking, “What the fuck is going on?”

Maybe the Capping Show will cheer us all up.

If you are pissed off about stuff, one forum where you can make a fuss is the OUSA Student General Meeting being held this Thursday at 1pm on the Union Lawn (p8). Even if your morale is high, it is worth heading along. President Harriet Geoghegan has plans of pretty much scrapping all (read: all) motions from the past and starting again from scratch. She has a point: many of the policies that OUSA officially endorses are baloney. For example, OUSA has a policy on the books from 1999, “that OUSA spend $250 000 on its famed penis-shaped skytower, design to be commissioned by Stephen La Roche and built by IBM.” Funny. But stupid.

However, Geoghegan is kidding herself if she thinks she is going to get away with rescinding everything. It will be a very interesting meeting.

Critic – Te Arohi PO Box 1436, Dunedin (03) 479 5335 critic@critic.co.nz www.critic.co.nz Editor in Chief: Ben Thomson Designer in Chief: Gala Hesson Creative Director: Dreke Verkuylen Features Writers: Susan Smirk Caitlyn O’Fallon Thomas redford News Editor: Gregor Whyte News Reporters: Rory MacDonald JuLIA HOLLINGSWORTH Sub Editor: Marie Hodgkinson Music Editor: Simon Wallace Film Editor: Max Segal Books Editor: Jonathan Jong Performance Editor: Jen Aitken Feature ILLUSTRATOR: TOM GARDEN And a substantial army of volunteers.

Advertising:

Kate Kidson, Tim Couch, Dave Eley Ad. Designer: Daniel Alexander PH: (03)4795361 kate@planetmedia.co.nz WWW. planetmedia.co.nz 05

Can’t Take a Joke?

Selene

Numbers

Whatever Sells

Should Have Talked To

Pitching a Tent

A comedian being sued by her motherin-law over has had the last laugh, as the case against her was dismissed in an American Federal Court. The comedian was being sued for a series of jokes in her routine that made fun of her in-laws, including one referring to her sister-in-law sounding like a “cat in heat.” All concerned are said to be looking forward to Thanksgiving.

50: Copies of Moby Dick sold during author Herman Melville’s lifetime. 3000: Price in US dollars that one bidder paid for Justin Timberlake’s half-eaten French toast on eBay. 13: Age at which Johnny Depp allegedly lost his virginity.

15: number of years that for which snail can live.

Last year’s second-sexiest woman in the world, Megan Fox, has used her immense star power to barter with movie producers, convincing them that in the third Transformers movie, her character should be less “orange.” In return for the concession, Fox has agreed to work longer hours for less money.

Between 1937 and 1945, Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti, especially for the German market, which consisted solely of little pasta swastika.

A man has won $1.4 million for playing a video game. He pitched a perfect game on Major League Baseball 2k10, a feat that has only been achieved 18 times in actual life, and never before in the game. He filmed himself playing (hot), and achieved the perfect play after 5 or 6 games. The prize was offered by the company that produced the game.

12-Year-Old Girls Gone Mad Overheard

Descriptive

Handy

Take the Bus

Scientists in the mainly Muslim country of Kazakhstan have come up with a device that can instantly test for the presence of pork in food. The tool, said to look much like a pregnancy test, detects the presence of molecules only found in pork.

Bieliebers are scary people. First they stampeded through the airport, knocking over Justin Bieber’s mother, and stealing his favourite hat. Now they are sending “death threats” to socialite Kim Kardashian, after Justin posted a pic of the two of them together and described her as his girlfriend. “Seriously?” said Justin in response to the death threats. Kim tweeted “this is unBeliebable.”

Future fresher 1: Do Uni students not have to wear a uniform?

Future Fresher 2: Doesn’t look like it.

– Future freshers walking through Uni on open day via the Overheard @ Otago Uni Facebook group.

A Picasso painting was recently sold for the staggering sum of $146 million. The painting, Nude, Green Leaves and Bust, depicts a nude with green leaves and a bust. Imaginative titling is understood to be the reason for the hefty price-tag.

A 33-year-old Dutch man had a bad ride to work when carpooling with a workmate. The man’s colleague casually mentioned that he was carrying a home-made bomb to work. The man promptly threw the lunatic out of the car, whereupon the nutter blew off several nonessential body-parts while trying to defuse his own bomb. Oops.

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The OUSA President wants to scrap almost all OUSA policy and start over.

At the OUSA Student General Meeting (SGM), which will be held on Thursday at midday on the Union Lawn, President Harriet Geoghegan is intending to move a motion relevant to OUSA external policy.

“I am going to move a motion to rescind all previous motions and replace them with those that are still relevant and in relation to the core business of OUSA. “There are a huge amount that are ridiculous, outdated, no longer an issue, or not of direct concern to University of Otago students. These motions are a direct cause of criticism to OUSA.” Student General Meetings are the mechanism through which OUSA seeks guidance from its members. Many motions that have been passed at previous SGMs are clearly meant for the amusement or edification of those moving them, rather than being truly representative of the views of most students.

At the SGM, Geoghegan will also move a motion “to enable SGMs to be held online

so that more students can participate in the process, rather than have a village-style vote in the main common room.”

The current format of SGMs has long been a bone of contention, with meetings sometimes failing to reach the required quorum of one percent of members. The poor turnouts have also meant that groups have also been able to ‘pack’ meetings and push through motions to their benefit.

The rowing club notoriously managed to gain huge amounts of OUSA cash for their facilities by doing this.

In addition to Geoghegan’s motions are a bunch of Constitutional amendments proposed by Executive members and, far more interestingly, a motion put forward by students James Gluck and Cory Anderson to revoke 2009 President Edwin Darlow’s life membership and expel him. Critic understands that this is because he sucked.

All students can attend and vote on issues.

A full list of the motions on the table this week is on OUSA’s website (ousa.org.nz) and facebook.com/critictearohi.

Students found themselves locked out of Blackboard after the University of Otago took action against those with unpaid debts, and a few other unfortunate souls who hadn’t done anything wrong.

The Blackboard blackout was the University’s response to rising numbers of students who have failed to pay monies owed. This includes those with unpaid library fines and Student Health bills that are overdue.

The cut-off severely affected students, with some unable to access Blackboard during labs, and others unable to complete assignments, resulting in a loss of credit.

Director of Academic Services John Price says “the University’s Fees Office has been sending communications (letters and

emails) to the students who are debtors but in many cases there has been no response from the students concerned. As part of these communications with students the University has advised that failure to respond may result in the cutting of some resources to the students.”

This ‘advisement’ took the form of a slip inserted into letters demanding payment.

However, Critic learned that in some instances students did not receive the insert, and the cut-off came as a complete surprise.

More worryingly, there were reports that a computer ‘glitch’ resulted in some students being cut-off despite not owing money, or owing only inconsequential sums. OUSA Education Officer Stephanie Reader was one of those affected, despite owing only $5.00 in

THESE POLICIES ARE ON THE OUSA BOOKS

“That OUSA put pressure on the Government to oppose all European immigration into NZ until the Governments of Europe and Northern America stomp on their neo-Nazi fascism groups.” (1993) “That if OUSA is to endorse the use of one form of substance abuse, it should also introduce a Drugs Bomb and Festival of Speed.” (1994) “That this SGM recommends that OUSA spend $250 000 on its famed penis-shaped skytower, design to be commissioned by Stephen La Roche and built by IBM.” (1999) Accompanying note: “Current (Amended) on Campus. Amended to be vulva-shaped.”

unpaid library fines.

Critic was told that the glitch meant that those who had only small sums owing, below the demarcation line for the cut-off of services, were also barred from Blackboard.

The University will not say where they have drawn the line above which services were cut.

The glitch was rectified, and those students who owed only small sums had their access reinstated.

“I met with OUSA representatives [on Thursday last week] to clarify the situation and we will be working on this together in the future,” Price says.

OUSA attempted to get the University to reinstate access for all students for a week, to give people time to arrange payments; however, the University denied this request.

In the wake of the closure of the Design Studies Department, Critic can reveal that three other areas are also under review.

The three areas are: the Department of Social Work and Community Development; the Departments of Accountancy and Business Law and Finance and Quantitative Analysis; and the College of Education.

A Task Force was set up last year in response to funding cuts from the Government. Vice Chancellor Sir Professor David Skegg tells Critic that rather than imposing cuts across the whole University, it was decided to confine academic restructuring to four areas which have required significant and continuing crosssubsidies from other departments.

“In some of these areas, the possibility of merging parts of existing departments is under consideration,” Sir Professor Skegg says. He also says no final decisions have been made.

Sir Professor Skegg’s comments came after negative press in the Otago Daily Times, and Critic receiving a leaked document outlining why the Departments of Accountancy and Business Law and Finance and Quantitative Analysis are in the firing line.

The document outlines a plan to merge the two Departments. The proposed changes would see Business Law disestablished, with teaching responsibilities moved to the Faculty of Law and utilising “predominantly research-active staff.” Accountancy and Finance and Quantitative Analysis would then be merged into a single department, the ‘Department of Accountancy and Finance’, which would become the largest in the Division.

The document makes it clear that any staff without strong research records would face an uncertain future. The five-page plan calls for “strong and focused leadership and an increased senior research capability” and also reveals that papers would be streamlined, with teaching responsibilities for the core business statistics paper, BSNS102, to be passed to the Department of Economics.

The Business Law minor currently offered would be “phased out,” although students currently enrolled would be

“supported by transitional arrangements.”

The moves have been planned in response to the continued poor performance of both departments in the Performance Based Research Funding rounds. Finance managed a score of 2.5 in the 2006 round, while Accountancy managed only a 1.2, by far the lowest score in the Division. As a result both departments have required large transfers of funds from other departments to make up shortfalls.

Smelling blood, last week the ODT ran an article asserting that morale amongst University staff was low. “Naturally this is a very unsettling time for staff in the four areas concerned, and all of us feel sympathy for those affected,” Sir Professor Skegg says.

“I would reject, however, the suggestion in the ODT that staff morale across the whole institution is low. Many of our staff would be very worried if the University were not taking appropriate steps to prepare for the changed financial environment.”

Sir Professor Skegg told Critic that the restructuring was necessitated by financial difficulties, and that “academic priorities should be paramount and that the University must support its areas of greatest strength.”

In effect, this means that academic jobs are at risk in departments without strong reputations for research, while other departments remain unaffected.

Sir Professor Skegg is optimistic that after these areas had been looked at, no further restructuring would be necessary in 2010 or 2011, and had assured the University Senate to this effect.

“It should also be emphasised that any changes that arise as a result of recent proposals will not be sudden, because the University is definitely not in a financial crisis. We will be taking particular care to ensure that the needs of currently enrolled students are taken into account.”

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Monday Paul Oestreicher Talk 6.00 pm, Archway 2 Exchange Fair 10.00 am, Link

Wednesday Is Non-Violence Politically Viable?

12.30 pm, Archway 4 OUSA Capping Show Premier 7.30 pm, Teachers’ College Auditorium

Thursday OUSA SGM Noon, Union Lawn 11 Donkeys Fall in an Empty Stomach 6.00 pm, Burns2

A very small cloud looms over students’ futures as the Government considers charging an annual fee to more than 500 000 people with student debt. The fee is expected to be around $50 a year for every person with outstanding student debt, and will net the Government approximately $15 million.

The proposal comes in the light of an increase in the numbers of students borrowing, up 13 percent from last year.

The amount people are borrowing has also increased, by six percent for fees and five percent for living costs. Tertiary Education Minister Steven Joyce said that this growth cannot go on unless policy changes are made; hence the new fee.

Students already pay a $50 fee every year that they borrow to study. This amounts to about $10 million a year, which is only 1/5 of the $50 million administration costs of running the student loan scheme. This fee has been the same since 1992, but is expected to rise to $60.

OUSA President Harriet Geoghegan says that the fee for students with outstanding debts seems reasonable, but is less convinced by the fee for students currently enrolled.

“Perhaps if StudyLink sent less letters saying the same thing over and over, they could recover some costs.”

Geoghegan says the move is more a political statement than a policy likely to have much impact in encouraging students to make loan repayments. “We are being guided, like it or not, down a path of universities being elite institutions and fewer people getting degrees. Tertiary education funding needs to become an election issue.”

The proposed loans package includes other tough measures. Students who fail half their courses over two years will be ineligible for a loan. Limits will also be imposed on the number of years a student can borrow; this is likely to be around six or seven years for undergraduate degrees.

Public health researchers from the University of Otago campus in Wellington have published a study critical of the New Zealand Advertising Standards Authority’s (ASA) regulation of food advertising to children.

The research contends that the ASA selfregulatory system for controlling advertising to children does not work with regard to unhealthy food. One child in three in New Zealand is either overweight or obese, and the over-consumption of ‘junk’ food has been linked to significant increases in health risks in later life.

Over a six-month period, the study examined how the ASA Board dealt with complaints made under the current advertising codes. The research concluded that there were two major faults in the Board’s dealings. The first was that the Board failed to acknowledge the targeting of children to ‘pester’ parents for unhealthy food as valid grounds for complaint. The

second was that a substantial amount of ‘screening out’ of complaints by the Chair of the Board took place, even before complaints were considered.

One example of the ASA’s inconsistent implementation of the voluntary Code for Advertising to Children and the Code for Advertising of Food was a decision made on an advert that screened at 6.50 pm, when many children are still watching TV. The ad featured a child as the main actor and lollies as the product. The Board, however, ruled the children’s code did not apply, as it said the ad was not directed at children.

In their report, the researchers went so far as to say that in failing to properly maintain advertising codes, a breach of the spirit of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child had occurred. It also pointed out that the ASA codes regarding unhealthy food advertising to children did not comply with Government policy on encouraging healthy eating.

Friday Cyclical Earnings Variation and the Composition of Employment 3.00 pm, Room CO5.20, Level 5, Commerce Building

Graduation fever has hit town, with Science graduation taking place on Saturday. 500 students graduated in person, and 110 students in absentia.

The Commerce and Law graduations will take place this weekend with 429 students graduated in person, and 70 in absentia. The Arts graduation has 339 people graduating in person and 256 in absentia, and will take place on the following weekend. In recent times, between 4 500 and 5 000 students have graduated per year.

The ceremonies are organised by the Graduation Office, which is aided by 40 or 50 “highly-dedicated volunteers.” Academic regalia can be hired from the Federation of Graduate Women, at the cost of $30 a gown.

Hoods are $15, as are caps, which are worn by doctoral graduates.

While the formal aspect of graduation is important, the highlight of each weekend for many graduates will be the Grad Party, organised by Wilder Productions. Director Callum Fry began working on getting the party together in September, and it will feature “class acts” such as Knives at Noon, hip hop quad Home Brew, and Six 60.

A number of wealthy and extremely well organised parents treated their darlings to dinner at Plato on Saturday, where bookings for graduation filled up in December last year. Plato is busiest in May and December each year, during which times no staff are allowed to take time off. At the other end of the dining spectrum Blue Sky Restaurant also saw an increase in bookings for Saturday, and had to roster more staff on.

Unlike Plato, which offers a three-course meal for $64 per head, Blue Sky has no special graduation menu.

Major incidents at graduation are very rare, although staff from St John Ambulance Service are usually on-site as a precaution.

Former Chancellor Lindsay Brown recalled an unusual occurrence in a February 2009 Otago Magazine profile. As Brown shook one graduate’s hand, the graduate pressed a folded $5 note into his palm. “I wondered if it was part of a bet, or if he thought he should give me a tip, or maybe he had a guilty conscience about an unpaid library fine!”

In addition to the Grad Parties, a Pacific Graduation breakfast and a pre-graduation ceremony put on by the Maori Centre are being held.

Last week saw the launch of NZMiC, or the New Zealand Music Industry Centre, at Albany Street Studios, coinciding with the start of New Zealand Music Month.

NZMiC is a collaborative effort between members of the University of Otago Music Department and Dunedinmusic.com Ltd, a local music company. It aims to act as a mechanism through which the Music Department can engage with the music industry, foster research outputs, and enable the recording of albums.

“Its role is to promote research and collaborate with industry to explore further research, creative, and commercial opportunities. We want to promote Dunedin as an industry hub with the University and local music industry driving it,” says Professor Henry Johnson, Head of the Music Department.

This goal involves making the studio available for bands or music groups that wish to record there, collaborating with performers and recording artists, and seeking to develop a research-based context for universityindustry projects and partnerships.

NZMiC hopes to utilise the recently installed, world-class mixing desk, purchased

from Solid State Logic, a company owned by Peter Gabriel of Genesis. The desk has over a hundred inputs, suitable for recording up to orchestral-sized groups, and has opened up a world of recording opportunities for the Department.

“The desk could … record over large distances, for example stream a live show or several live shows at once through a radio channel, whether they are happening at Albany Street, at the new Forsyth Barr Stadium at University Plaza, or anywhere else in New Zealand, with a fibre-optic link.”

Professor Johnston told Dunedinmusic.com Following speakers from the Department and Dunedinmusic.com, the launch also included two musical performances. First up was Dr. Graeme Downs of the Music Department, who played with his band The Verlaines. They showcased a recording session in the new studio, allowing those present to get a feel for how the new equipment will be used. They were followed

by Dark Dance/Electro Pop outfit Cult Disney, a local band made up of Otago music students, who blasted out a couple of original electro numbers.

Some University of Otago Design Studies students are distressed about how they were treated in the lead-up to the decision to close the Department.

Although a silent protest did not change the outcome of the Senate meeting last week which voted to disestablish the Department, third-year Design students Andrew Jacombs and Gillian McCarthy maintain that the protest was still worthwhile. “It was important to show a stand against it,” McCarthy says.

OUSA President Geoghegan remarked that the protest had a good effect, even though it didn’t achieve what was intended.

In an interview with Critic prior to the Senate meeting, Pro Vice Chancellor of Sciences Keith Hunter said, “I can give [Design students] an absolute guarantee, any students enrolled in the system including those who enrolled this year, they’ll be able to complete their degree just as if nothing happened.”

Students were again assured that they would be able to complete their degrees that they are currently enrolled in during an address from Hunter last week, as long as students do so in “reasonable

timeframe.” However. Hunter added, somewhat contradictorily: “I can’t promise that all of the papers on offer at the moment will be there in the future.”

No changes to Design Studies will occur next semester, although Hunter hopes to have changes underway by the first semester of 2011. The proposed changes are longterm, and thus a transition period will be necessary. The University of Otago will still offer Design Studies as a minor, although the course itself is yet to be determined. Otago Polytechnic staff may be asked to temporarily lecture at the University if the Department is short of staff.

Hunter is taking steps to ensure student voices are heard, at least from this point onwards. “A working group has now been set up comprising myself, staff members of the divisional office, four senior Design Studies staff, and three DESI/DETE students nominated by Harriet Geoghegan, President of OUSA.” Students are encouraged to write in to Hunter with their thoughts.

Geoghegan adds, “Students are an important part of the University … students affected by a proposal should be consulted with.”

Aquinas, usually so studious and reserved, is in the midst of a Hallwide alcohol ban brought on by some hefty property destruction. The recently-installed hallway lights took a massive beating a few weeks back, after the usual Saturday night banter turned from school disco nervousness into a Castle Street Training Facility, helped by lashings of Bigfoot and the naughty percentage Codys. Incidentally, the Bourbon and Cola was also responsible for the porcelain vandalism that occurred the next morning. Now, Aquinas residents are engaging in hall-wide (sober) ‘assassin’, a game that sounds really cool and fun and not lame at all.

Salmond College had its annual ‘Bar Hop’ last week, held at the ever-obliging 10 Bar. The Hollywood-themed event had many costumes, but the overall prize goes to a group of girls dressed as sperms, who impregnated the night with lots of semen-related puns.

There was some mischief, however, with two girls stealthily raiding

the upstairs bar and helping themselves to a few bottles. They then opened them by smashing the bottle tops off, and drank from the jagged edges. That’s some hardcore first-year shit. They were then thrown out of the bar and are not allowed to return for two years.

Critic can’t work out if that’s a punishment or a reward.

After about half and hour of lurking around Knox College, no students were in sight. However, we can tell you that Knox is on a noise ban from 9.30am to 12.30am (so you can make all the noise you want when people are trying to sleep?), which we’re sure is being rigorously observed. At the time of writing, Knox was in preparation for its first Ball of the year, where the Knoxies will be able get prim and proper for a night of high society. One girl, who will remain nameless, reportedly only has four condoms in her room, and needs to buy more for the ball. High Society indeed.

Cook Loses Licence

Rabbit Virus Vaccine for Cancer

The popular student watering hole The Captain Cook Tavern has had its licence suspended for 24 hours after the Liquor Licensing Board upheld a complaint that it had encouraged excess drinking by selling jugs for $3.50 at a Society of Otago Law Students (SOULS) Quiz night. Clearly having studied law lawyers in his career of enforcing law and order Sergeant Wayne Pitcaithly said the licensee “encouraged excess consumption of alcohol through holding the promotion for a group it knew was susceptible to drinking too much,” the ODT reported. The Cook’s license will be suspended for a 24 hour period, and the suspension must occur on a Wednesday, the same night that the SOULS Quiz event was held.

A University of Otago team has developed a potential cure for colorectal cancer based on a virus that affects rabbits. The therapy is now moving closer to human trials, the ODT reported last week.

Dr Sarah Young, an immunologist at the University of Otago, says the treatment is “like gold in our hands.” In tests on mice, it has performed remarkably in attacking tumors. The researchers hope to move to human trials within a relatively short time frame, perhaps as soon as late 2011.

– Gregor Whyte

FairTrade Fortnight, designed to raise awareness about the fair trade message, starts today. The first event is a coffee giveaway, taking place at the OUSA main office between 11.30 and 1pm today. The Exec and the Fair Trade Steering Committee will be grinding coffee to give away to anyone who brings a container along. On Thursday there will be a screening of the movie Flow at the Apollo Theatre, starting at 7pm. Tickets are $5.00 and only 70 are available, so get in quick.

They are on sale at the OUSA office.

Two Dunedin fashion graduates will compete on the international fashion design stage, after being selected to contend at the prestigious Mittelmoda Fashion Awards. Sophie Brooke Hardy and Roxanna Zamani will travel to Gorizia in northeast Italy at the end of June, and the prize-winning collections will be exhibited during Milan Fashion Week in September. Hardy and Zamani, graduates of the Otago Polytechnic, are two of 24 finalists that were selected from over 700 hundred candidates in 55 nations to attend the distinguished Mittelmoda Fashion Awards. Both designers completed their Bachelor of Design (Fashion) at Otago Polytechnic in 2009, with Zamani also achieving a Bachelor of Fine Arts majoring in textiles in 2007.

– Gregor Whyte

– Anthony Riseley

FairTrade Fortnight

– Gregor Whyte

Dunedin the New Milan?

Straight back from a win over the Brumbies last weekend, Adam Thomson’s season is really just beginning. With two more games to play in Australia (at the time this interview went to press), AND the provincial season and the All Black tours still to come, it is sure to be a long year. This is nothing new for Thomson, who has been playing professionally since 2004. Critic caught up with the blindside flanker at Logan Park last week.

There are some who have described your career as incremental, as you have worked your way steadily up from the New Zealand secondary schools team to the All Blacks. Did you always aim to play at the highest level?

I always wanted to be an All Black. I think every little boy in New Zealand wants to grow up and be an All Black. My guidance councillor at high school had other plans ...

Traditionally, you are a specialist blindside flanker; however, Richie McCaw has been giving you a few pointers on the openside position for a couple of seasons now. Are you satisfied with your skillset in both positions or are you still more comfortable with blindside?

I think I am pretty comfortable playing blindside, but I think the way the game is going nowadays the loose forwards are pretty interchangeable. I find myself playing [at] seven or eight, at times, so it is good to have a skillset [to] play those positions.

Who do you view as your main competitors for the number six All Black jersey this season?

The obvious one is Jerome Cano. Last year, we had a good battle there for the number six jersey so I see him as the main opposition.

There are other guys like Victor Veto who are putting their hands up for it as well so it is always a competitive position.

In 2009, you were the fastest All Black over 40m. Did this develop as a result of your Sevens career, or have you always been quick off the mark?

I have a always been quick, eh, a skinny little white kid. I run pretty fast and I guess that’s an asset for me being a loose forward in rugby as well.

Have you been satisfied with the Highlanders’ performance this season?

Nah, not really. It’s been pretty disappointing. We have been building down here and we tend to put in some good performances and then some pretty poor ones so consistency has let us down. You can see by some of the highlights what we are capable of so if we can turn more of those close ones into wins I think we will start to be a threat in the competition.

With the Rugby World Cup just around the corner, what are you focusing on at the moment to ensure that you make the All Blacks next year?

I think it is just about playing well, more often than not. It is all well and good having a good game here and there, but I think it is the consistent players that tend to be selected and the guys who prove time and again that they can play at International level.

Are you looking forward to heading over to Canberra this weekend?

Yes and no. Canberra is probably not the pick of the Australian cities, but Australia is always good and the temperature will be nice. Then we have a week on the Gold Coast, so that will be a good way to finish the season. If we can carry on with the form we had in the last game and if we beat these next two Aussie teams, it will go a long way to leave the season on a positive note going into next year.

By Caitlyn O’Fallon he University of Otago’s oldest tradition has nothing to do with riots, togas, or using furniture as kindling. There is one tradition that predates the Leith run by over 40 years, and the Clocktower race by nearly a century.

And it’s not only our oldest tradition, it’s also our funniest. The Capping Show began in 1894, and it’s not only older than almost everything else at Otago – it’s older than pretty much everything. The folks who run the Capping Show are seriously proud of this, and will tell anyone who listens about how it’s the second-longest-running student revue … ever. Legend also has it that it only missed out on being the oldest by a year or two, and that other show should be disqualified anyway for stopping during World War Two. Pussies.

But who is this mysterious competitor, this other student revue that is the only thing in the way of the Capping Show being able to claim the ultimate title of the longest running student comedy show ever? Finding out was harder than we expected.

The Capping Show’s amateur historians will tell you it’s a show put on at a somewhat well-known university in the UK called Cambridge, by a club called Footlights. They’re famous for being old, having been around since 1883. In keeping with the legend, they were out of action during both the first and second World Wars, but it all began in 1892 when they put on a “comedy-burlesque,” which would be a lot like today’s comedy revues.

However, they had no tradition of an annual show of this kind until much later in their history. So maybe the Capping Show should drop that ‘second’ from their title, and claim their place at the top.

T

Or maybe they just have their story wrong. There is another student revue out there which claims to have a history going all the way back to 1874, beating out both Footlights and the Capping Show – and Critic found no evidence of it having paused for any World War. For some reason it goes by the odd name of “the Bob,” and it’s the annual revue of Victoria College at the University of Toronto. They call themselves the “longest-running comedy revue in Canada,” having started out as a variety show 136 years ago and making the Capping Show look like a young’n at 116.

Impressively, both of these revues manage to predate the existence of … well, revues.

The word started to be used in the USA in around 1907, although there were plenty of productions that had a similar mix of short sketches and musical numbers before that time.

These early revues had plenty of laughs, but according to Wikipedia, the “primary attraction was found in the frank display of the female body.” Now, all we get is the Selwyn Ballet.

Clearly, the Capping Show wasn’t much like the revues of the time in its early days.

Women at Otago around the turn of the century were still being kicked out of reproductive anatomy lectures to protect their delicate sensibilities, and a “frank display” of their flesh would have been considered appalling. It did however have some things in common with today, such as satirising public figures and singing parodies of popular songs.

The Capping Show has changed a lot over the years, but the really traditional parts have been around for a long time. The Sextet began as a group called ‘the Coons’ in 1903. Coon is a racist word associated with the blackface tradition, where white people would put on black makeup and make fun of black stereotypes, though this group made fun of professors and university life instead. The name changed to the more appropriate ‘Sextet’ in 1912.

The Selwyn Ballet is another integral part of the Capping Show, and is another ancient tradition. It began in 1928, which makes it the second-oldest amateur ballet troupe in the world (there we go with the silver medals again), and the oldest all-male company. It’s older than the Royal New Zealand Ballet by a good 25 years.

The Capping Show’s current incarnation is very influenced by the creations of Roger Hall and Lisa Warrington in the early ‘80s. Hall, a playwright, and Warrington, a director, were brought in by OUSA to ‘save’ the show, which suggests that in the period leading up to this point the show had lost its comedy mojo. They introduced a central theme to tie the sketches together, and the structure hasn’t changed much since then. However, they also made a Capping Show that families could go to together, whereas today I wouldn’t recommend bringing Mummy and Daddy along. Thus our student revue grew to maturity.

Or at least, as close to maturity as it was ever going to get. Which isn’t very close at all.

With such a long and proud history, “Second-longest-running student revue in the world” doesn’t really seem like it does the Capping Show justice. The Bob doesn’t even claim to be the oldest, instead preferring “longest-running comedy revue in Canada.” Maybe we should follow them, and claim the “longest-running comedy revue in New Zealand.” We could probably even take the title of longest-running in the Southern Hemisphere, as no one seems to have bagsed that.

A Brief History of the Capping Show

1889: Students performed skits and songs to large crowds at the official graduation ceremonies.

1894: The University became “increasingly dissatisfied” with student behaviour, and cancelled public graduation ceremonies. The Students’ Association started holding its own functions for graduating students – these were the first incarnations of the Capping Show.

1903: A group called “the Coons” sings about university life and makes fun of their professors. They change their name to “the Sextet” in 1912.

1911: The programme advises audience members “not to offer drink to the performers – they have plenty.”

1928: The Selwyn Ballet has its debut performance.

1940: The first Knox Farce is performed (at Knox – it was only later that it was forced upon the Capping Show audience).

1983: A production is written and directed by professionals Roger Hall and Lisa Warrington in an bid by OUSA to ‘save’ the Capping Show, which according to Warrington had gone into “a bit of a slump.”

1996: OUSA introduces a policy forbidding drunk performers on stage, after some cast members in ’94 and ’95 were too wasted to say their lines 2000: The Sexytet is introduced to balance out the all-male Sextet.

2010: Alice in Cappingland performed. Running from Wednesday May 12 to Saturday May 22, with tickets available from the OUSA main office.

Curse of the Capping Show

No ancient theatrical tradition would be complete without a ghost story. The Capping Show’s supernatural happenings centre on the supposed prophetic powers of some of the sketches that have appeared in recent shows. These are the stories told to Critic by the cast of the Capping Show. Judge for yourself whether these coincidences really are just that … or something more sinister.

2005: The main sketch joked that the ODT would win Daily Newspaper of the Year at the Qantas Media Awards. The fact that they actually did is possibly the scariest thing about this story. However, considering that the ODT had won this award in 2002 as well, maybe it just wasn’t a very clever joke.

Another sketch (one of many about the Pope) focused on the process of finding a new pope. This proved fatal to poor old John Paul II. 2006: A sketch was intended for this show that included the line “I should have gone to Stewart Island with my family!” but a week before the show started, six members of a family drowned in a boating tragedy near Stewart Island, making this joke a little … awkward.

2007: One of the videos for this Capping Show included the line “you can drive your car through a crowd of people without a care in the world,” a line that became a lot less funny after a drunk driver killed two girls in Christchurch by doing exactly that.

2008: In a somewhat less morbid turn of events, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz seem to have been inspired by a sketch in 2008’s Capping Show in which someone calls their baby Mowgli. Yes, they actually did name their kid Mowgli.

2009: The Capping Show didn’t learn from the experience with the Pope, and in 2009 the Sextet devoted a large portion of their act to Michael Jackson. In future perhaps they should concentrate on ‘artists’ like Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber.

Famous People in the Capping Shpw

The Capping Show sometimes gets compared to Footlights, the Cambridge University theatre group that spawned such big names as John Cleese, Eric Idle, Hugh Laurie, Emma Thompson, Stephen Fry, and Douglas Adams. So, in its 116 years, what famous faces have passed through the ranks?

David McPhail – famous for the political satire show McPhail and Gadsby.

Jon Gadsby – the other half of McPhail and Gadsby.

Jeremy Elwood – comedian.

Matt Gibb – hosts after-school kids’ TV. Serena Cotton – actor, currently on TV in The Insider’s Guide to Happiness.

Samantha Jukes – actor, currently on TV in The Insider’s Guide to Happiness.

Timothy Foley – actor, played Dr. Mark Weston on Shortland Street.

Julie Noever – theatre director.

Mark Neilson – actor, in the film Scarfies, in 1999.

Tom Hazledine – Wikipedia says he’s famous, so Critic guesses he must be.

Chris Taine – same with this guy.

Josh Thomson – and him.

So, in 116 years, the Capping Show has produced 12 ‘famous’ past members, an average of about one every ten years – and that’s using an extremely generous definition of ‘famous’. Capping Show cast members – keep studying, you’ll need that degree later on.

The Perpetual Student

By Thomas Redford What do you picture when imagining the ‘perpetual student?’ A hunched and green-blazered old joker, whose sleeping head isn’t visible within the fortress of library reference books that he constructs around himself every day? Or a strutting, regularly-wassuping party animal with worried eyes that tell the truth of countless failed papers and switched majors? Two very different images – because, you see, although (s)he may be an easily recognisable stereotype, the perpetual student does not really have a fixed form.

Some simple guidelines to start with: the perpetual student has been at university for upwards of eight or nine years, and the end of their university career is not yet foreseeable. They have switched between, or non-concurrently completed, at least two different undergraduate degrees. And the most abstract ingredient: they remain a distinctive, memorable sight around campus.

Just as importantly, there are many things a perpetual student is not. We are not talking here about lab/office-dwelling postgraduates; their university stint is lengthy but not convoluted. Nor does the term encompass those brave older souls who have put their jobs on hold and children in day-care to enhance your class experience with lively lecturer banter; these creatures are instead called ‘mature students.’

Perpetual students are those whose path of study has been lengthened and repeatedly curved by, among many other varying factors, their ongoing delight in the flexibility of university life.>>>The interpretation of the perpetual student as a character can be polarising. Could they be romantic figures? Most students these days spend their university years being shunted along the production line of the degree-machine that is their university. So there is certainly a romantic aspect to the idea of somebody jumping off the conveyor belt, a romantic hero brave enough to follow only the dictates of his inspiration and thus triumph over the restraints of social convention.

On the other hand, some would say that the tragic figure is more appropriate. Institutionalised and afraid of ‘the real world’, are perpetual students doomed to drown in a whirlpool of meaningless study? Is it really a noble pursuit to be piling degree upon degree in the hope that one day your thirst for knowledge will be quenched, and your main passion happened upon? Something like the following is probably regularly heard from those who prefer to set their whitebait net on the right (as in, instead of the left) side of the river: “Whiling away your twenties with fluff like Portugese Studies is all well and good if you’re using your own money, but when you’re being funded by student loans, you’re committing self-indulgent crimes against the taxpayer.”

One man who would appear to prefer the latter interpretation is Education Minister Steven Joyce. Last month, Joyce hinted at planned changes to eligibility for interest-free student loans. He is planning to introduce a “lifetime limit” on student loans, meaning that after six or seven years of study at an undergraduate level, students will become ineligible for student loans.

While justifying the proposed changes on TVNZ’s Breakfast, Prime Minister John Key’s words had undertones of disdain for the likes of perpetual students: “The poor old cleaner that’s out there, working from midnight to six in the morning, or eight in the morning, working their socks off to get paid the minimum wage is actually paying taxes to go to the students. That’s fine as long as the students are actually taking the process seriously.”

A threatening message indeed, but do six-plus years of undergraduate study truly mean that the student at question isn’t taking “the process” seriously? Some case studies are necessary. Critic investigated how some students end up spending a longer time completing whatever it is they end up completing than Key and Joyce would like them to.

First stop in the investigation was Yvonne Gaut, a careers advisor at the Careers Development Centre. Gaut was unable to talk about particular cases but was positive about students that have lengthierthan-average university stays. In her line of work she has, of course, encountered countless students that were thinking about “changing ideas, changing plans, a lot of people in the middle wondering whether this is right.” It seemed this has shaped her view that taking a few years to explore a few different options before settling on a particular course is very healthy. Gaut thinks that if they are realised, Joyce’s plans to discourage long-term undergraduates “would be a real shame, because then you don’t actually find what you do like and what you don’t like, because you’ve had that choice taken away from you … a lot of people make decisions from the process of elimination.”

Gaut’s views are backed by her regular contact with employers.

The question of whether employers frown upon applicants that have changed course a number of times allows her to offer a surprising insight: “it’s probably something that’s quite good, because it’s someone that’s discovered something rather than just doing it because it’s what their family said, or they just chose it for whatever reason they had … in fact the employer prefers a student that’s been here at least four years because the employer thinks they’re a more wellrounded graduate.”

Dan* fulfils the cliché of a scholar whose broad-ranging interests have combined with his love of the student lifestyle to produce a bizarre combination of completed studies. He started in 2000 (and still has the black and white student ID card) with a double Honours BA in English and Maths, completed in the minimum five years. Dan then begsn an MA in History, with the thesis topic of the history of astronomy in New Zealand, but “pretty much lost interest in the topic due to a lack of source material; New Zealand by the way is a terrible place to do astronomy … too cloudy.” Next was a Bachelor

of Computer Science, again completed in the minimum period. After doing a few English papers on the side throughout the years, Dan felt himself “quite attracted” to the area, so this year he is completing a Post-Graduate Diploma in English: “as you can see it’s been a very long and convoluted process.”

Dan is readily introspective on the reasons for the changes in his plans and his long stint at university. “I like flexibility, I like the lifestyle. I just like learning.” But a decade on campus is not all happiness. “The downside of hanging around university this long is that everyone leaves. It’s like in fiction, when someone acquires immortality and they get all melancholy that all the people that they’ve come to know and appreciate die.” We agreed that his situation is similar to the irony in there being fewer people at your funeral the longer you live past a certain point. Being a long-term student has become part of Dan’s self-identity over the years, “to some extent I identify as, being a student is a key part of my identity, and you know, when I eventually leave university, because it will happen at some point, it will be a case of trying to get past the identity of being a student.”

Dan has worked as the proof-reader for the ODT’s obituaries for the last five years, but has also drawn a student loan that currently sits around the $56k mark. He believes Joyce’s plans would be “asking for so many absurdities. He’d be cutting off student loans to people like me who have never failed papers but have committed the crime of wanting to do more than one undergrad degree. I think it would discourage an awful lot of people from wanting to broaden their horizons … which I do think is sort of sad because exploring other options is half the fun of university.”

Currently employed as OPSA’s Association Services Officer, Mark Baxter is a Dunedin campus stalwart. His fame is affirmed by the fact he comes wth his own prefix: “Long-time University affiliate and staunch campaigner.” Baxter began studying pure sciences in 1988, before shifting to computer sciences briefly, and then to a psychology major, finishing with a BSc Majoring in Psychology in 1998 “with a few interruptions along the way.”

The main interruption was that in Baxter’s second year course fees were introduced, and in his third year universal allowances were removed; he “just couldn’t afford to go full-time, had to do the years part-time, so that took me a lot longer to finish the degree.” A further interruption was his heavy involvement in student politics, being on the OUSA Executive as well as being involved with the Education Action Group. This was an exciting era to have a senior role in student politics. Baxter recalls “the first march I went on, when they first introduced fees, damn near every polytech and uni student must have been there, there were blocks and blocks and blocks covering George Street.”

Similarly to other interviewees, Baxter praises the current flexibility of student life, “the fact that you can hop about and learn different things I think is excellent, important to young and developing people.” He sees the possible absolutes of Joyce’s plans as dangerous: “the more times you enforce rules and regulations on the system, the more times people that need that system will fall through those cracks.”

The final case study was in no mood to be studied at all. Rupert* responded by email to the interview request rather dramatically: “this is not a part of my life that I am keen to relive and I do not recommend this as a ‘lifestyle’ for anyone.” Mamma mia! One can only guess as to why Rupert regards these many years with such regret.

The obvious hypothesis is that he views the period the same way he’d reflect on an epic self-love session: a dirty, regretful waste of time that achieved nothing but fleeting internal pleasure.

The holder of the title of ‘Most Educated Person on Earth’ is a contentious issue – the Guiness Book of Records doesn’t even know.

Michael Nicholson, a retiree in Kalamazoo, Michigan possibly takes out the title with 27 degrees including 19 Masters degreees and one doctorate. “Although he’s not an ‘A’ student, he still is motivated to learn something new that is interesting and worthy of exploration,” a local newspaper reports.

Another Michigan man, Benjamin Bolger also has his eyes set on the title and frequently courts publicity for his cause. He has attended Oxford and Cambridge as well as a string of prestigious Ivy League schools earning 10 Masters degrees and a doctorate.

According to a less-than-flattering profile of Bolger in Harvard’s student newspaper he has his sites set on the White House.

One thing Bolger has obviously not picked up in his studies is that education does not necessarily lead to good governance.

According to various websites Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe is the most qualified person in all of Africa. Critic cannot independently confirm this, but he does have a boatload of degrees.

Originally graduating with a Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Fort Hare in South Africa in 1951, Mugabe went on to study at Oxford, Salisbury, Gwelo and Tanzania Universities. He earned six further degrees through distance learning including a Bachelor of Administration and Bachelor of Education from the University of South Africa and a Bachelor of Science, Bachelor of Laws, Master of Science, and Master of Laws, all from the University of London External Programme.

There is no mould for perpetual students. By their very nature they follow diverse, unique paths. They do, though, seem to share similar motives: broad interests and a passion for learning, an attachment to the flexibility of student life, and eventual involvement in extracurricular campus activities. Dunedin’s seductive student lifestyle is perhaps more likely than most to result in these motives coalescing in an unsuspecting undergrad to create a perpetual student.

But the Government’s plans to put a limit on loan-funded undergraduate study threaten the option of perpetual study. It seems that Joyce and Key believe that a student’s undergraduate study is only beneficial to the country for their first six years, and that after this point it becomes selfish, an indication that the student is not taking the process seriously. One can only assume that Key’s definition of “taking the process seriously” involves completing a degree as soon as possible and abruptly leaving. But there are many reasons for a drawn out undergraduate career – changing course repeatedly, the old-fashioned pursuit of erudition, or disruptive involvement in student politics – and it is the individual’s values that will judge the worthiness of each. As the administration’s sly machinations make the university more of a machine each year, it would certainly be a shame to see the unique breed that it is perpetual students extinguished. *Not their real names.

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Gra

Law

Accountancy

Zoology

Medicine

Design

The Sciences

Long story short, Law provides students with an unsubstantiated opportunity to wank themselves off. Despite pulling an astounding mid-30k package out of uni (not nearly what you were expecting, was it?), being a lawyer requires long hours for little reward. If you’re interested, the ‘corporate jock’ environment is prevalent in the big firms, though why you would ever be interested in this is highly questionable.

Graduate salary: $35-40k

Ahhh. John Keating (or Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society) defined Medicine best: “Medicine … these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.” How noble it is to study Med. Yet how much of a blowout is it to study Med. Busy as fuck, but a free ride – have you ever heard of the Uni failing a Med student? Still, perfect for those “is there a doctor in the building” scenarios.

Graduate salary: &80k

Bean-counting. Need we say more?

Accounting consists of two things: tax and audit. While these might just interest those among us with no right brain, this career path provides a large degree of security and predictability, further supporting the analytical, logical (read: boring) nature of the common accounting student.

Graduate salary: $37k

This is a touchy subject in the context of the University of Otago, with the recent decision to disestablish the Design Studies Department. However, Design students, as a rule, can expect no graduate job, but much time spent struggling to find one. Sucks.

However, if you do make it big in this line of study, an interesting and dynamic career path may await you. And we don’t use the word dynamic lightly here; this isn’t a job description, this is realism, motherfucker.

Graduate salary: dole.

Despite what they may tell you, zoology is simply the study of the art of the zookeeper.

Don’t be fooled by jargon and bureaucracy; this is true. However, Critic believes this to be perhaps the most exciting graduate opportunity of all – risking your limbs to dangerous carnivores all before smoko is pretty hardcore (not in the Taranaki sense of the word either). A stimulating prospect in this line of work is the chance to move up to the highly regarded role of lion-tamer in one of this nation’s many fine circuses.

Graduate salary: Auckland Zoo would not return our calls.

The somewhat narrow path that is science will lead one to a role cooped up in a white coat, and most probably wearing tissue boxes as shoes, terrified of microscopic germs (see Simpsons episode $pringfield, (or, How I learned to stop worrying and love legalized gambling)).

Graduate salary: $35K

Critic Volunteer Food Science What a fantastic way to work your way up the chain of command in the main form of student media on campus. By starting out at the entry-level position of news grunt, you can gain an insider’s view into what makes this fine magazine tick, and eventually slot into the big dog’s role.

Graduate salary: dole.

AKA cooking class. For all those ladies who’ve already conquered ironing, this is the next step up. Not only does it provide women with the opportunity to become better wives, it also allows a certain sense of selfsatisfaction for undertaking tertiary study.

Graduate salary: the love and affection of your family.

Surveying

The Humanities

Don your tool belt – this is the only genuine trade you’ll pick up at this institution. Satisfy those manly urges by rocking ‘round in a ute and talking trash to mutts at yards. As a career option, this allows you to open up shop in small-town New Zealand and be a man’s man.

Graduate salary: $50k

The many different BAs offered provide two career options: schoolteacher or academic.

Either combine a Bachelor of Teaching and ‘make a difference’, or continue studying and devote a life to knowledge and the impartment of said knowledge unto fellow consumers of the world of academia. Be it Greek or Gender Studies, this wide field only heads down one road. And don’t expect any fantastic remuneration.

Graduate salary: $25k

Marketing

AKA sales. Study a degree of jargon in order to get a grad job involving wining and dining clients. Sounds pretty sweet. Until you wake up one day, a hollow shell of a human, realising you haven’t contributed to society’s success, but rather its downfall.

Suck on that. Cunt.

Graduate salary: $30k

Finance

For everybody who watched Wall Street (think Michael Douglas and “greed is good”), this may seem like a viable career option.

Stop and think. You may recently have heard of a crazy little thang called a recession.

These little fuckers will cut you out of your job faster than that lake turns. And it turns on a sixpence. The day you get to call New York to finalise some mergers will be the day you make it in this world.

Graduate salary: $45k

>>>>

>>>

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Oh the humanity!

Those of you who have done or are doing Humanities degrees will probably be well-aware of the scorn you have to face telling people, especially older relatives, about your degree, your areas of interest, and your future plans. This scorn, though repeated many times, never pierced my idealistically thick skin because I adore my areas of interest. I have dreams which feature political philosophy; I apply the philosophies I learnt in Gender Studies in my normal life, and I am proud to have friends who major in film and can teach me more.

I think of my degree as invaluable – I wouldn’t be who I am not without it – even if I wasn’t always so hard-working or ‘present’.

So, I have a huge amount of understanding for people doing seemingly ‘impractical’ degrees – I’m the kind of person who gets in an argument with my family defending the student who got a scholarship to do post-graduate anthropology research on ‘bogans’ or a phD on Xena. Despite this idealistic streak, I also have a lot of respect for people who decide their job isn’t going to be their first priority, their lifestyle is, so they decide to do something practical like Accounting – no doubt leading to a beautiful house in a leafy suburb and annual tropical holidays. Fair enough. (Note: I have met some very surprising accountants who do love organising numbers, but most have told me in a moment of honesty that they know their jobs are boring, but their non-working life makes up for it).

What I don’t understand, and never will (unless one of you strange creatures explains it to me), is those of you who are doing an entirely impractical degree that you don’t even like. What. The. Hell. Unfortunately, the degree in which I came across this the most is MFCO – Media, Film and Communication. And I’m not just talking about people taking a first-year paper here and there; I’m talking about people who are doing it as their major.

(NB: Reports tell me there are also several of these students milling about in Art History and English). To be clear, I think all of these degrees are wonderful and, of course, also completed by deeply passionate, fascinating individuals. But in every tutorial group, there is someone clearly bored out of their mind making inane comments which illustrate their contempt for the topic and everyone else in class. Now, I’m not saying everyone has to love what they do, but I really have to ask myself – what, precisely, do these kids think they’re going to do with their amazing Bachelor of Arts, major: MFCO, once they graduate? No one gets anywhere in these fields unless they have a burning love for them, and even that is often not enough. Being bored is fine and good, but if you’re going to be bored and contemptuous of your topic anyway, why not study something that will at least make you bored and rich? With high job security?

Actually, I don’t care what you do, but just please, stop sitting in 300-level MFCO tutorials asking “So, Tarantino is an auteur, right?”, arguing that all modern art simply is not art and complaining when we have to do essays, because “I just thought we’d be watching movies.”* *All actual examples.

B

efore the last election, Key said that “victims of crime have been neglected for too long. It’s time we gave them the support they deserve.” It sounded good; I kind of get why people voted for that. What he didn’t mention, unfortunately, was just the kind of support victims deserved.

Last October, without talking to Rape Crisis or the Ministry of Health (whom they expected to pick up the slack) National brought in new ACC rules about treatment for victims of sex crimes, supposedly based on Massey research. These rules require victims to prove a mental illness caused directly as a result of their abuse before they can receive treatment. There was me thinking trauma was a sane reaction to rape (Massey is a bit confused about this, as they reckon their research didn’t recommend the changes).

Next came the rejections for ACC treatment. 472 approvals in January/February 2009 became 32 in the same period of 2010.

Nationwide. Rejections included a woman who was raped in a psych unit denied treatment because she was already messed up before the rape, and another who was told it was technically her dysfunctional family which caused her problems and not the fact that they’d sexually abused her.

Sensitive Claims in 2005-2008 cost taxpayers $12-13 million dollars per annum. That’s about $3 each a year to provide treatment for victims of sex crimes. If trimming the fat is in order, how about looking at the $300 million party for beer companies and businessmen we call the Rugby World Cup? But it’s not all bad under National. Victims of sex crimes are now entitled to a one-off payment of $250 for damaged clothing.

Never mind how offensive torn-panty payouts are to child victims or the vast majority of victims who don’t have their clothes ripped off in alleyways, it usually takes years for them to come forward and when they do, a sweet new outfit isn’t normally a major concern.

Public protests were quietened six months ago by promises of an independent review. It begins this week, just in time to patronise three children whose mother waited six months for assessment, was rejected as not “significantly damaged,” and killed herself four days later.

Is there really any way rape trauma can be dealt with by anything other than public funding? Only a tiny percentage of sex crimes leave a convicted offender to bill, and volunteers are up to their incredible eyeballs, so perhaps the only option we’re left with is private rape insurance and How about looking at the higher premiums for $300 million party for beer girls who wear short companies and businessmen we skirts.

“

call the Rugby World Cup?

”

I

ncreasing the drinking age is nothing more than a nannystate, broad-brush approach that will penalise the many for the indiscretions of the few. Alcohol is consumed in large quantities by many people, and it can cause a lot of harm.

There is no doubt that the Law Commission report on alcohol law reform has a worthy goal. But unfortunately, they want to go about it in entirely the wrong manner.

The suggested increase in the drinking age is not the solution to our problems, and it never will be. Of course, if we increase the drinking age then there will be less alcohol-related harm, but purely because fewer people will be legally able to drink. But this is a very lazy, unjustified, and discriminatory approach. Every group in society has members who abuse alcohol, so preventing those between the ages of, say, 28 and 30, from drinking, would also reduce alcohol abuse.

Raising the drinking age will not prevent under-age drinkers, either, who are supplied largely by their parents, rather than 18-19 year olds. Drinking problems are spread right across our society; they are not solely related to youth, and so raising the age limit will do nothing to address the wider issues. It is ridiculous to claim that preventing 140 000 people from having a glass of wine at a restaurant is a proportional response to a wider social issue.

Solutions should focus on problem drinkers, not just the easy targets. Criminalising young people is nothing more than a distraction from poor enforcement of current laws. In seven years there have only been six convictions for the sale of liquor to intoxicated people on licensed premises. Yet I can guarantee that most if not all of you will know or have seen some one sold alcohol in a bar when they were far too drunk to function – in fact many of you have probably been served while in this state.

The current, measures such as supply to underage and intoxicated people, are not being enforced. These laws could target the actual problems and could be used to decrease anti-social behaviour, if they were effectively enforced. A recent study in New South Wales has shown when alcohol abuse at all ages was cracked down on, assaults after dark fell by 29 percent. This is what New Zealand could aim to do.

I say to every MP: impose fines on intoxicated people, make people responsible for their actions, and enforce current laws, but do not raise the drinking age. It is lazy legislating, and just too easy to raise the drinking age. But all it really achieves is making young people into scapegoats while Criminalising young people is ignoring wider nothing more than a distraction social issues.

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from poor enforcement current laws.

”

of

Pop Quiz Online

12:18 PM

Boy: question 1: how often do you check your breasts out in public?

Girl: umm, not very often, hardly at all Girl: i mean, unless there’s a mirror or a window reflection Boy: or, unless, you’re looking down your own top!

Boy: question 2: would you ever stop to stare down your own top,

mid conversation, in a bar, multiple times?

12:19 PM

Girl: hahaha. ummm, no, unless i was on acid and suddenly fascinated Boy: haha, so true Girl: or MAYBE if i was paranoid i’d worn a too low-cut top

and i was checking i was decent Boy: last night a girl hung out with us that pulled out her singlet

12:25

12:26

12:27

12:28

12:29

12:30

and stared down her top on a regular basis, then went round rubbing her chest into everyone at the table.

Girl: oh weird Boy: girls do that sometimes PM Girl: i wonder if they’re fake and brand new.

Boy: haha, no idea.

Girl: that would explain why she’s so hyperaware and proud and also, wtf: “girls sometimes do that.”

PM Boy: yea, the, “if i rub my tits against you, you’ll like me” routine.

Girl: really??

Boy: i’m sure guys have an equivalent.

Girl: that is so gross PM Boy: yep Girl: the only thing i have EVER done, is hug someone a bit too sexually/ close, but only when it’s clear that feeling is mutual like, i give the boy the ‘hug power’ to pull me close / keep me away Boy: her friend then started running that routine. and she added batting eye-lashes and puppy-dog eyes.

PM Girl: god, i bet these are the kind of girls who read stupid magazines and talk about how men are assholes and “why dont i ever meet nice guys??”

Boy: yep, probably Girl: you don’t meet nice guys by putting yourself on a meat market ladies Boy: haha, totes.

PM Girl: nice / cool guys think that’s gross.

Boy: anyway, i still went to karaoke and sung some songs Girl: unless they’re really drunk / desperate and MIGHT do you for ONE night but they certainly wouldn’t want anything serious Boy: please, i think i’ve been the drunkest and most desperate and i STILL don’t go there Girl: haha, true Boy: it just doesn’t work.

PM Girl: it’s that whole “self-fulfilling prophecy” thing – expect men to be gross assholes, pick them up as if that’s how they are, and that’s what you’ll get.

A

t just over two months old, five0nine (7 Frederick St) is probably the freshest face (in more ways than one) in the Dunedin café scene. Specialising in Taiwanese bubble tea, a sweet, flavoured tea-based drink, five0nine offers a pleasant alternative to the usual coffee/tea options at other cafes.

For the uninitiated, there are generally two kinds of bubble tea – the ones with milk, and the ones without. The flavours for the non-milk variety are usually fruity (e.g. peach, lychee) and the flavours for the milk teas are typically non-fruity (e.g. taro). The thing that makes these drinks special is the addition of ‘pearls’, or jellies, which give you something to suck up and chew on intermittently while you enjoy the flavoured tea. The ‘pearls’ are actually little, chewy, slippery tapioca balls, about one centimetre in diameter each, which rest at the bottom of the drink, waiting to be eaten. It is the apparent similarity of these ‘pearls’ to bubbles that gives this drink its name, although some sources believe that it is more accurate to attribute the name to the foam that is created due to the shaking method of making bubble tea.

I tried the Original Milk Tea with pearls and the Lychee Black Tea with mango jelly. Both the black and milk tea, surprisingly, were light and delightfully refreshing. For some reason, I had expected the milk tea to be thick and heavy, and was happy to be proven wrong.

Both drinks had pleasant, clean flavours, but I preferred the texture and the extra burst of fruity flavour that I got from the mango jelly pieces, which are made out of nata de coco, compared to the pearls. Besides bubble tea, five0nine also offers some quick and easy Taiwanese snacks like steamed pork/pork and vege/vegetarian/red bean buns and the deceptively small but hearty ‘Braised Pork with Hard Boiled Egg on Rice’ for only $2-3. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to try any of the buns but I did get a taste of the pork on rice, which was a decent, filling meal for only $3. The meat used was a little too lean for this dish, which compromised the flavour and texture slightly, but as it turned out they were unable to add the usual portion of pork belly into the dish that day because it was unavailable.

The best thing about five0nine is that its opening hours are from 11am–11pm, which means that hungry students traipsing home from the library won’t have to go hungry anymore. This is actually one of the main reasons that the young proprietors, Ariel and James, have decided to keep their doors open late, having been Otago students themselves. They have taken great efforts to ensure the quality and authenticity of their products. Their bubble tea ingredients are imported directly from Taiwan and they have practised their drink-making skills so that their drinks always taste consistent, no matter who makes them. So, if you’re feeling peckish, try something different and visit five0nine.

Libidinous Tendencies and the Essay Wall

M

y creativity and my libido have gone hand in hand: they’ve met the increase in work by starkly plummeting. Thus I’ll engage my gender bias and my whiskey on ice and consider a few topical questions.

In answer to “Anonymous sexually frustrated male” (Letters, Issue 8): dearest, there are big bad traffic signs letting you know it’s a no-man zone. If girls are dancing together, in a circle, late in the night and close to closing, there’s very little chance you’ll be able to make a move. These chicks were in it for the entirely pure vag experience and there’s no room for you. However, if, should you approach said group of ladies earlier on in the evening, they actually give you more than a glance of eye contact, then there is a chance you’ll be able to lay on the charms when there’s a cleavage split and a couple of them fly off to buy drinks.

Alternatively, follow them to the bar when they’ve taken a break from submerging each other estrogen: if they actually want to take a shot with you, then buddy, if you’re funny and you don’t have two left feet, you’re in. Work through the drunk haze, be patient and observe, and the available ladies will emerge.

In answer to some female-friendly queries, alternatively, if a boy asks to buy you a drink, then the chances are second to none (unless he’s a long time friend with a girlfriend), that he’s hitting on you. You have obligations to respond – or else you have to say, “Thanks but no thanks, I’m good for tonight.” A drink = one dance/one conversation. It is classless to take advantage of a free drink and then run off with it. Then again, he’s not really entitled to more than one dance if you’re not into it. Basic interaction is a must and he might just surprise you wily wits and wonder.

Also, notes on morning sex: boys, don’t expect Niagara Falls if you’ve just been out the night before. ‘Tis improbable. Boys and ladies: brush your teeth. If morning sex is absolutely not an option, make it less awkward on both your parts and leave before it’s even a hesitant glance. On the If girls are dancing together, other hand, unless in a circle, late in the night and one or the other is experiencing close to closing, there’s very severe nausea, I’d little chance you’ll be able to consider it a bit of make a move. These chicks were etiquette to leave each other high on in it for the entirely pure vag endorphins for the experience and there’s no room next day. for you.

“

”

Kurt: Our goal is to improve the standard of living of the poor in developing countries.

However, removing development aid and exposing poor countries to the damaging forces of the free market will only entrench poverty further in these countries. Firstly, free trade fails. How will poor countries expect their local industries to compete on the world stage against multi-billion dollar corporations from the West? When economic protections are removed, unemployment increases. This is because industries that had provided secure employment for many people go under, since their prices are undercut by cheap goods imported from rival firms overseas. Often, these poor countries already face high unemployment rates and social unrest as it is.

To be competitive in the international economy, countries need to produce products for the lowest cost. No one will buy from you if the country next door can sell their shirts for a dollar cheaper. The way to do this is to cut wages and labour regulations so as to minimise costs for businesses. The evidence of this is more than obvious. Sweatshops in countries like Vietnam have shown the shocking effects of free trade on the poor. Workers have little choice but to work 14-hourplus days in dreadful conditions for under two dollars a day. All of the benefits from trade go to multi-national corporations or the rich business owners in that country.

Secondly, development aid is extremely important in helping developing countries get off the ground. Poor countries lack basic infrastructure like roads, running water, hospitals, and schools, which they need in order to grow.

Development aid assists these countries in the construction and implementation of these necessities, something which free trade does not. After World War Two, many countries in Asia and Western Europe benefited greatly from development aid, which had huge success in raising living standards. These programmes were successful. Countries like Japan used tariffs to protect their companies while they were growing (some of which have become the world’s top automobile manufacturers). Japan now has the second largest economy in the world. This was as a direct result of US development aid and smart trade policy.

These countries do not have the capabilities to grow unless they get the infrastructure they need. Free trade will not accomplish this. Development aid will.

Is Fre

e Tra de Pr Developm efera ent A ble to id?

Alec: Our society is hypocritical. We seem to think it is okay to provide endless barriers to trade, protecting our own businesses and citizens at the expense of farmers and producers in far worse-off circumstances, but at the same time scramble to give out endless ineffective ‘development aid’ in the form of government funding and charities. Free trade is based on the idea of comparative advantage. If a particular country or person is good at one thing, and another good at something else, they should specialise and trade with one another so they can both focus on doing what they know best, and both benefit.

As it stands, in the Western world we put up barriers to trade – such as tariffs and subsidies for own business – to prevent free trade with the third world. If we let these countries specialise and trade with us, they could make the most of what they are good at and then achieve greater prosperity through trade. This has happened in places such as India, where outsourcing various aspects of business has helped create a new middle class. By contrast, development aid focuses largely on subsistence, simply providing bare necessities rather than giving people a chance to provide and engage with the wider world. To assert that people in the third world have limited skills and therefore cannot specialise in much is incorrect – they often have the advantage of having a culture which is totally unique and can be exported throughout the world, as well as attract tourists. Also, even if they did have to work for very little pay in difficult conditions it would be better than living with nothing, or having no capacity to exchange with the rest of the world.

Add to this the fact that development aid is often misused: it is estimated that only one out of every ten dollars of aid gets to the people who need it, and the rest is taken by governments of third world countries or corrupt people in positions of power. Because free trade is bilateral, it forces both sides to provide a good for the other, meaning there is no problem of just pouring money into a ‘bottomless pit’ where it can all go to bad ends. Consequently, free trade is more effective at providing for people who need help the most.

Top 5 Ways To Keep Warm During Winter

Goodness me, it is starting to get a wee bit cold! Being the most factual column in Critic, I thought I’d share some tips of how to get by this winter.

Drink More: If it works for the Russians, it can sure as hell work for us. Not only will it turn a cold, shitty night into a raging, warm night (thanks to your beer blanket) but the extra weight gained will probably do you some good, since it will shield you from the bitter cold.

Burn a Couch: Pssssst. Hey, guys, you’re actually not allowed to do this, so like don’t do it, eh. If you happen to find a couch that has ‘spontaneously combusted’ I hear it’s a pretty sweet source of heat. Why do you think everyone used to do it? Hmm ... the second-hand couch industry must have taken a massive hit after it had a raging CoC go through it.

Find a Fatty: Curling up in the rolls of a fat person is an ideal place to keep warm. You get the added bonus of when they eat, they’ll gargle with delight, thus providing soothing vibrations to put you to sleep. Sounds disgusting, does it? Well, just you wait and see how cold it gets and then we’ll see what you’re willing to do.

Sleep in the Fridge: As we all know, it’s probably warmer in there than it is outside. So why not make the most of that precious warmth by using it! Who cares about your food, what do you think will happen if you leave it outside? You think it’ll go off or something?!? I can’t even thaw out a fucking frozen chicken!

A Cup of Harden the FUCK UP: You’re a fucking Scarfie, so act like it and stop whining. When people hear that you’re at Otago and are all like “OMG it’s so cooooold down there! How do you survive??” the correct answer is “Oohhh, I just build an igloo with the ice around my window and drink more beer when I feel cold,” not “Nah, it’s all good I have like 20 electric blankets and the heat pump on.” You fucking pussies. Soon people will think we live in Auckland.

FUCK

UP

W

ho the hell is Justin Bieber? I’m not even going to take the time to find out whether I’m spelling his name right. More importantly, why would 3 News start their report of the day’s events by investigating the frenzy and hysteria around a musical spawn of Satan entering the country? The hypocrisy of the whole thing is that 3 News enjoys a self-styled reputation as, well, reputable. They have fun playing dress up in flak jackets overseas in their ‘getting the news as it breaks’ advertisements, when really they’re probably just running around in foreign suburbia and drinking Mojitos, while everyone else does the real reporting. If he wasn’t a pacifist, Robert Fisk would scissor-kick Mike McRoberts in the head for even implying that he too runs from bombs for a living, or even gets close to being a reputable foreign correspondent.

In an unnervingly jocular introduction to the ‘story’, Hilary Barry sheepishly stands beside the techno-looks-like-it-doessomething-but-really-doesn’t-at-all-touchscreen, close to cracking up, then pointlessly touches it. Oh, did I mention the touch-sensitive screen is shiny and new? It helps to give pseudo-news stories a veneer of respectability if the go-go-gadget-distractor is shiny; you know the thing – it looks like it was stolen off the set of Minority Report when Tom Cruise had his back turned (he was probably busy converting teamsters and lighting techs to his kooky alien cult). Either Bazza had been candy popping, was a massive Bieb fan, or more plausibly, her abashed and giggling disposition was brought on by the fact that she had to grin and bear presenting a news story that even Fox News would laugh at, on what was supposed to be the evening news.

I’d love to have a record of the masses that must have changed the channel during the ten-minute coverage of this non-event.

I’m assuming it was ten minutes long, of course, as with no end in sight I changed the channel – I mean they had a psychiatrist waiting in the wings, ready to analyse the hysteria (the go-go-gadgetlegitimiser), and then they were probably going to follow up with a clunky Beatlemania reference. I just couldn’t wait that long for the real news to show up. With any luck everyone voted in the same way as I, by feverishly clawing for the remote and changing the channel. 3 News will hopefully get the message, and mercilessly beat their producer with a sack of oranges for being so stupid.

“

If he wasn’t a pacifist, Robert Fisk would scissor-kick Mike McRoberts in the head

”

Um, okay ODT. Nice big headline you got there. Morale probably is down. It has possibly even plummeted. Maybe. But if you’re going to put it in the headline, prove it.

And if you’re going to ‘prove it’, you might want to do some actual qualitative reporting, not just some guy from a union. But, if you really must base your entire argument on some guy from a union, maybe make sure he actually says what you want him to.

He says “impacted,” you say “plummets.” Potato, potato.

We see what you did there. Very clever.

And before we go, let’s revisit Gordon Parry, the 90+ columnist who writes a must-read piece every Tuesday. His opening paragraph last week: “Recently I heard on radio that in Australia the education people have decided that school reports should be honest instead of namby pamby (sic). For too long (and I am now referring to New Zealand) there has been too much emphasis on the building of self-esteem that children have been given a false sense idea of what life is about.”

D e e p.

Graham Turner, Melodies For

Millions: A Tribute to Kenny G (2003, Luxury Multimedia Ltd.)

S

ometimes a musician affects you so strongly, so intensely – indeed, penetrates your soul so deeply – that you feel you must pay tribute to them. This is clearly the way Graham Turner felt about Kenneth Gorelick (known to most of us as Kenny G) when he decided to make the tribute album Melodies For Millions: A Tribute to Kenny G. If there was ever a musician to provoke strong reactions from the very depths of one’s soul, it would be Gorelick. The curly-haired saxophonist has gained international recognition for being the world’s most famous – and highest-selling – jazz artist of all time, literally selling melodies for millions of dollars, to millions of people.

Though Gorelick has had many hits over the years, he is perhaps most well-known within the jazz community for his groundbreaking version of Louis Armstrong’s ‘What a Wonderful World’, in which he took the original recording and replaced Armstrong’s trumpet solo with his own. One of the many jazz musicians moved by this version was guitarist Pat Metheney, who commended Gorelick on his “musical necrophilia,” saying: “[W] hen Kenny G decided that it was appropriate for him to … [play] all over one of the great Louis’ tracks … [he] created a new … point in modern culture[.]”

While not as vocal as Metheney, Turner has clearly been affected by Gorelick’s music in his own way. Not much is known about Turner, and the scant liner notes give nothing away: even his name is hidden away on the inside cover, as if he were afraid of drawing attention away from his hero. Over the course of the album, Turner reproduces several of Gorelick’s classic reproductions of popular songs, such as ‘My Heart Will Go On’ and ‘Kiss From a Rose’, as well as many favourite Gorelick originals. Turner even emulates Gorelick’s sax sound, capturing the shrill tone and smooth, emotionless playing that makes Gorelick’s recordings so distinctive.

So, does this recording offer anything new to your average Gorelick fan who already owns the entire collection of Gorelick classics? Not really, but then I don’t believe that was Turner’s intention in the first place. All he wanted to do was pay tribute to a musical legend, and with the help of Luxury Multimedia Ltd., he was able to turn his dream into a reality. If that’s not worth a million dollars, I don’t know what is.

T

he first Student General Meeting (SGM) of 2010 is going to be held this Thursday at 1pm on the OUSA Lawn. SGMs are a pretty archaic process, though. The views of 20 000+ students are meant to be adequately expressed by a village-style vote by whoever doesn’t have class and is available and engaged enough to turn up. Furthermore, we have many historical examples of a small chunk of students stacking an SGM and ramming through some significant changes.

Like a very expensive rowing facility, or another rep on the OUSA Exec, or supporting illegal actions. OUSA has been pretty good at carrying out the directives it has been given, though, and all of these motions have been respected.

One of OUSA’s biggest criticisms of the current system is that the majority is ruled by the minority. Most of the motions on the books do not have any relevance to the majority of students, and there are almost as many in-jokes as the capping show. “That Ross Blanch should be impeached and a plate of soggy cold Union Cafeteria chips replace ‘it’,” for example. There are directive motions that have been ticked off the to-do list, standpoints on issues that are no longer issues, and a whole host of just plain silly motions.

What grinds my gears even more, though, is OUSA having motions on the books about political issues that aren’t of direct concern to students. OUSA has pretty limited political capital and when it is spent directing the Exec to write to the UN about overseas political issues, or the Auckland City Council about its penis-shaped Sky Tower, core business gets forgotten and our legitimacy gets lost.

You don’t see the New Zealand Vice Chancellors’ Committee (a very strong political voice) commenting on the Foreshore and Seabed Act, or proposed changes to alcohol laws. You don’t see the Tertiary Women’s Focus Group publicly discussing mining. OUSA certainly supports our members and their views, but OUSA’s core business should be focusing on students at the University of Otago, and staff and Executive members should not be spending time on minor issues to the detriment of other, more important ones that affect all students.

Therefore, I am proposing to rescind all previous motions and put forward more relevant ones that better describe what OUSA should be doing (IMHO). See ousa.org.nz for the full list of current external policy.

I know at least one current Executive member will be speaking against me, and I’m looking forward to some good debate. It’s gonna be juicy – I’d love to see you there (especially if you agree with me).

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H

e mihi tenei ki nga akonga Maori o Otago, he mihi nui hoki ki nga akonga e mahi ana i te Tohu Paetahi Tauhokohoko!

Kia Ora to all our Maori students at Otago, in particular those who study Commerce, who have come from all over Aotearoa, both first-year and returning students! This year we have tried to revive Te Tai Tuara, which was once a strong network for Maori students studying Commerce. Currently we are in the early stages of development of what we hope to be a strong and connected roopu.

Current Revivers (Exec): Terere Aoake Ngati Raukawa BCom/BA Hariata Ngatai Te Whanau o Apanui, Te Arawa, Ngai Tai BCom Watch this space! Or, fill this space!

With all the pressures that go with studying for what is undoubtedly the finest degree at Otago, we are here to ensure that life for a Maori Commerce student rewards you for your hard work. So far, we have had one meet and greet hui and it was awesome to see a keen and enthusiastic group of people. We are in the planning stages of things and what we need now is to establish a solid core group of dedicated tauira who can help carry out some of the exciting events we have planned. Our wero to all of you is to get involved and take advantage of all the new and exciting opportunities we hope to provide.

KUMA AGM Hui in Queenstown We mentioned this at the first hui, and are now opening it up to all Commerce students. Te Kupeka Umaka Maori Ki Araiteuru (KUMA) was established in 2005 and is the Maori Business Network for the Otago/Southland region. We are lucky enough as Maori students at Otago to be invited to attend this hui and partake in the various workshops. It is an awesome opportunity and we have seven or eight spaces available. If you are interested in coming along, please email tetaituara@gmail.com Support Network We are another support network here on campus to support you as a Maori Commerce student. Returning students have completed most of the core papers and understand that some are a little harder than others, so feel free to flick us an email and we will point you in the right direction. Kaua e whakama! It’s not always what you know, it is who you know, and don’t be afraid to get amongst!

Email/Facebook Add us on Facebook so you can keep up to date on the events and opportunities, or give us ideas on what we can improve on around the School of Business!

Kia pai to tatou wiki! Mauri Ora!

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Letter of the Week

wins a $30 book voucher POEMS.

As much as it pains me to agree with anyone who would deploy “one of Freud’s truths” in defense of anything (and what a pompous, wanky ‘truth’ at that!), I feel obligated to add my support to Jenny Powell’s dismay at the lack of a Poetry page in Critic this year. Not only has the Poetry page been a platform for the launch of many poets, as Ms Powell pointed out, it has been respected enough to be graced by established, iconic poets many a time. I won’t be condescending enough to assert it has been removed because the current Critic staff do not understand poetry or “the necessity of creativity”, but I will agree that it’s a damn shame the Poetry page has been removed and humbly ask if we could pretty please have it back.

Ink runs from the corners of my mouth There is no happiness like mine.

I have been eating poetry. ~Mark Strand <3, Not a master of ordinary men.

RUBBISH.

Mr and Mrs People of Castle St I don’t like paying to dump my rubbish, so you can’t imagine my glee* when I found out that there was a big ol skip parked up on Castle St for everyone to get rid of their crap.

So I went down there with my rubbish and dumped it. Now when I say rubbish I mean actual rubbish like bottle lids, dental floss, parts of blown up stoves, dead flies, inner tubes, books by Lee Child, wooden teeth, general pluckings, chip packets, that song that goes “...da da da a freak like me/just needs infinity... bwa bwa bwa... bwa bwa... bwa bwa... bwa bwa” and the fashion industry.

Bottles and cans and paper go in the blue bins on Mondays. I was disgusted with how much recyclable stuff was in that skip. Stop being lazy wankers.

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Cheers The Disgruntled Boer *(disclaimer: on reflection you probably can actually imagine my glee.)

Dear Critic, It’s normal to treat freshers with pure, unadulterated hatred, right? Aren’t freshers basically the scum of this campus and should be treated as such? This probably seem extremely belated, I mean, who still hates on freshers at this point? The Otago Open Day is what has poured salt on the wound of my disdain. I understand it’s important to check out the campus but do they have to 1. Travel in hordes so it’s impossible to get past them?

2. Clog up the Richardson lobby, lifts AND stairs when some of us actually have classes to get to? 3. Make the campus look generally shit? Surely I’m not the only person who feels like this. I know we’re all equal and all that, but the only thing worse than a fresher is someone in high school, especially a Year 13. I imagine this will only get worse as I get older.

If freshers read this and don’t agree, just wait until next year- and then you’ll understand.

Obviously Not A Fresher

Approval fees kick off from, that also hasn’t changed. However, sometimes people were able to get away with not paying the fees due to delays in the technicalities of passing on that information that meant people often didn’t get charged even if they course approved up to the Friday of O-week (John Price, Director Academic Services explained how it all works but I’ll keep this letter short). If I have misinterpreted the question, or the answers I got don’t add up, email me ( president@ousa. org.nz) and I will follow it up further and get back to you.

The reason there are late fees is because the class locations have to be allocated, and if they have to move due to numbers increasing, it actually costs the University quite a bit. However, you will be happy to know that the University is trying to overhaul the student management system to make it more efficient, student administration is about to undergo a review (which has an OUSA rep on the panel) and I am working with the University to review how it communicates with students – from the very outdated email system to notifying students of policy changes (refer blackboard story) Hope this helps, let me know if I can be of any further assistance Harriet Geoghegan OUSA President

WHAT?

RIGHT.

The Uni ripping/ripped its’ students off.

Was it just me who noticed an earlier than usual date for course approval this year, compared to previous years? Perhaps a money-making scheme by the University? The date this year was Tuesday 16th of February, the Tuesday of O-week, whereas the past few years it has been the Friday of O-week.

Why does course approval have to be done so early? Harriet Geoghegan could surely do something about this? I’m sure some good old political collaboration would do little damage to anyone.

Regards, Rawiri Tapiata

Dear Mr Conservatory, I am ill at ease. For the first time in my life I decided to read the Conservatory column, under the misconception that I would be reading right wing, conservative, liberal bashing literature, contrasting Green Finger’s left wing, liberal, rubbish. But no, what am I reading Mr Conservatory?

‘The Government can retain contractual oversight and control of the project.’

What is this liberal tosh? Government control of the project? Get back to your values man.

Private prisons are a fantastic idea but Government control over standards? Far too left. What would be next? Limitations on the market? A welfare state? More Government?

Rights for criminals?

Really...Government control...what is the conservative dream coming to.

Sincerely, A Conservative Trooper.

FRESHERS.

Dear Rawiri, I am a bit confused as to what your specific complaint is, but I did some digging anyway.

If it is the dates of course approval, it hasn’t changed in recent years – it has always finished on the Tuesday. If it is the date that Late Course

RAPE CRISIS DUNEDIN BENEFIT GIG

CREEP.

Dear Critic YES IT WAS ME!!!!!....

I was quite surprised to find out that all the Critics on campus were apparently gone by tuesday afternoon this week. I tried all the usual places where there is usually still heaps (as I always get mine on a tuesday as I don’t have classes on Monday) and was shocked to find all the known critic rack spots were empty. So not one to give up I trapsed all the way up to your offices for the first time ever...You left it unlocked and unattended so I swiped the first copy off someone’s desk. I would apologise but it serves you right. I was also tempted to peruse the office to see what else you might have on offer for me but I was happy to just get my critic this time...However if I don’t get my critic next week and have to repeat the experience you might not be so lucky!!!! So lock your doors when you leave or just don’t leave. yours sincerely, Critic Addict! a.k.a. Critic stalker in the making...

P.s. Now I have myself a copy of this weeks critic I can’t for the life of me understand why this particular issue was more popular than any other. Anyone care to enlighten me? (This is issue 9 the review issue I’m talking about).

THANKS.

To those of you who were in Burns computer lab Wednesday evening when I fainted, Thank you offering to help me! You make me believe in humanity.

From Brittany LETTERS POLICY Letters should be 200 words or less.

The deadline is Tuesday at 5pm. Get them to us by putting them in the mailbox under the Union stairs, emailing us at critic@critic.co.nz, or posting them to us at PO Box 1436, Dunedin.

All letters must include full contact details (name, street address and phone number), even if you don’t want these details printed.

Letters of a serious nature addressing a specific group or individual will not be published under a pseudonym, except in extraordinary circumstances as negotiated with the Editor.

Critic reserves the right to edit, abridge, or decline letters without explanation.

We don’t fix the spelling or grammar in letters. If the letter writer looks stupid, it’s because they are.

Celebrate our 30-year anniversary at the Crown Mill. Saturday May 15, 7pm-12pm. Great music – Abominatrix, Marcus Tuwairuu, Geva Downey and Delgirl. Fantastic speakers and yummy food. Tickets $30 or $25 unwaged. Phone 03 474 1592 or email rcrisis@xtra.co.nz

INDIVIDUAL EXAMINATION TIME

TABLES

Examination timetables will no longe r be mailed to on-campus students. Instead students may view their individual timet ables on PIMS. Distance Learning students will still receive individual examination letter s by mail (NZ students) or email (overseas students). If you have further questions please visit otago.ac.nz/study/exams or conta ct the Examinations Office on +64 3 479 8237 or email: examinations@otago.ac.nz.

INTERNATIONAL DAY OUT AT THE FIRE STATION The OUSA International Cultural Council (ICC) warmly invites you to a day out with the fire station this Saturday May 15, 11pm. You will get a chance to see how the fire station looks like as well as playing exciting games at the fire station. Lunch provided and it’s free!! To sign up email Art at iso@ousa.org.nz

AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL Paul Oestreicehr, one of the founding members of Amnesty International, will be speaking at Archway Theatre 2, 6-7pm on Monday May 10. Anybody and everybody welcome.

DUNEDIN FILM SOCIETY SCREENING May 12 – Heartbeat Detector – Chilling contemporary French e drama about modern corporat is gist holo psyc culture; a staff y called in to investigate a compan 7:30 at ns begi g enin Scre . director . p.m. in the Red Lecture Theatre Free to full members. Threemovie passes available. Website: dunedinfilmsociety.tripod.com

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he first of three works to be encountered in the Blue Oyster Gallery Space this month is Dunedin artist Simon Kaan’s The Asian. Kaan transforms the gallery into The Asian restaurant, complete with pictures on the wall, a television in the corner, and the smells and noises of a restaurant. Visitors can Simon Kaan, Anna make a booking with the gallery and dine with Kaan via Skype, taking part in his virtual performance.

Muirhead, Bryce A live image of Kaan, who is seated across the road at ‘The Asian’, a restaurant he has frequented for ten years, Galloway is projected on the wall. Kaan formed the idea for this artwork six years ago when he was in Tokyo, often dining The Blue Oyster alone, observing people. The ritual of eating for the Chinese is a large part of cultural identity. This is significant Until May 15 for Kaan, who has a mixed heritage, part Chinese, Maori, and Scottish.

After choosing whether to dine with Kaan or just observe, gallery-goers then walk through to the next room past Anna Muirhead’s Polytears, a collection of imposing cardboard carvings, replicating classical European garden ornaments, through to Bryce Galloway’s work Same Same (Incredibly Hot Sex with Hideous People). The smells of Asian food wafting from the first gallery space are contrasted with the scent of coffee being brewed in the downstairs room.

“Luv me. I’ve given my artist’s fee back to you in coffee,” is written on the wall, along with other wall drawings that Galloway has added to since the opening night. Copies of his zine, which he publishes in Wellington, are placed on a table for us to flick through while drinking coffee. It is worth the time to read several of these issues, each of which examines a different aspect of Galloway’s life and self. The most personal details you can imagine are described in meticulous detail, from a red spot on his head, hairy eyebrows, and other bodily imperfections, to the effects a vasectomy might have on his production of bodily fluid.

The three contrastive works lead on from each other superbly, exploring avenues of cultural, social, and personal identity, and demonstrating self-exploration by way of performance, interaction, and construction.

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Anything For Her

Directed by Fred Cayaye

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nything For Her grips you from the very beginning. The film opens with a middle-aged man, Julien (Vincent Lindon), sitting in his car in the middle of the night, panting and covered in blood, staring panic-stricken at the back seat. The story then jumps to a flashback, showing Julien with his wife Lisa (Diane Kruger) and son, a perfectly happy family, before the police burst into their home, arresting Lisa for murder.

The rest of the film is devoted to Julien’s efforts to free Lisa from imprisonment for a crime she did not commit, as appeals are exhausted and Lisa herself loses hope. Julien, however, never gives up on her freedom.

For something in the thriller genre, where typically the protagonist is equipped with a profound knowledge of armed combat and fifty civilians have to perish before the story’s even halfway through, this little gem is amazingly relatable. It focuses on the love that Julien, a school teacher, has for Lisa, and how much he is willing to sacrifice in order to have her back. A particularly suspenseful moment is when Lisa flatly refuses to go with Julien, even as the police are only footsteps away. Don’t rush to the cinema expecting blazing guns and gore galore, but if you’re looking for something a little more sophisticated, then this is the film for you.

Dear John

Directed by Lasse Halström

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kay, confession time: I own The Notebook on DVD, I cry every time I watch A Walk to Remember, and I didn’t think Nights in Rodanthe was that bad. So when I heard that yet another Nicholas Sparks’ novel, Dear John, was being adapted for the big screen, I knew I wanted to indulge.

As should be expected, the story is very Mills and Boon/ Lifetime Movie saga-ish: Savannah and John meet and fall in love at the beach one summer (Grease, anyone?). John, an officer in the US Army, has to return to service overseas, but they keep in contact by writing letters. Various challenges to their love follow, including rival suitors, overprotective fathers, and even September 11.

The plot progresses in leaps and bounds, sometimes jumping right past explaining important story points and leaving me a little confused. Channing Tatum as John is pretty wooden, but totally hot with his shirt off so he’s forgiven, and Amanda Seyfried is enchanting and surprisingly believable as über-sweet Savannah. There’s also an outstanding performance from Richard Jenkins as John’s autistic father – he provides the film with some of its most tender and sob-worthy moments. Dear John doesn’t disappoint in the weepy department, but it seems less plush and confidant than other Sparks adaptations. It’s a disappointing turn-out from Academy Award-nominated director Lasse Halström, who’s known for sumptuous productions like Chocolat and Casanova.

Technical criticisms aside, this film has its purpose, and serves it well. If you like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain, then this romance is for you.

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A Single Man

Directed by Tom Ford

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om Ford’s directorial debut A Single Man is, above all else, an aesthetic splendour. Based on the Christopher Isherwood novel of the same name, the story follows a day in the life of George Falconer (Colin Firth), a gay English professor, coping – or rather, not coping – with the death of Jim, his partner of 16 years.

Set in 1962, in a Los Angeles before the Stonewall riots and the gay rights movement, George is barred from attending Jim’s funeral, and barred from acknowledging their relationship – even in his death. Mourning his love in silence, George struggles to find happiness in his life again, crumbling beneath a facade of dapper composure and English restraint.

Firth’s performance is spectacular – nuanced and subtle, he brings warmth and colour into this otherwise heavily visually-centric film. From the very first scene, it becomes clear that this film is the work of a designer.

Every shot is saturated with sartorial and architectural nostalgia, every frame filled with members of a stunningly good-looking, immaculately-dressed cast – almost to the point of absurdity. The perfectionism and the eye for texture, light, and symmetry Ford displays in every shot of A Single Man, as George surveys the world left around him, lends the film a decidedly contemplative tone; contemplative in a way that compliments the narrative, but also contemplative in the manner of a cologne commercial. But it works. Firth’s character burns through the twopage-spread, making for a moving story about loss and how we reconfigure ourselves in response to it.

The Hedgehog

Directed by Mona Achache

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he Hedgehog is an endearing film about the unlikely friendship which develops between three neighbours living in a luxury apartment building in Paris: Paloma, an 11-year-old girl; Renée, the concierge; and Mr. Ozu, an intriguing, friendly Japanese businessman. An exceptionally perceptive and intelligent child, Paloma is disillusioned by the vacuous and seemingly meaningless lives the rest of her extremely wealthy family lead. Horrified by the idea that she is destined to lead a similar existence, she has made the decision to commit suicide on her twelfth birthday.

Renée is frumpy, lumpy, and grumpy, making her best effort to conform to the classical role of a concierge.

Although she has a large library in her back room and adores film and art, she keeps her TV on all day in order to fool everyone and hide her penchant for intellectual pursuits. No one would ever guess that her cat Leo is named after the great Russian writer Leo Tolstoy. No one except for Mr. Ozu, that is. A new tenant in the building, he instantly sees through Renée’s façade, and with the help of Paloma, gradually brings out the warmth hidden beneath her prickly exterior (cue hedgehog metaphor..!). Paloma’s witty, Catcher-in-the-Rye-esque perspective and the well-executed character development in this film makes for a very enjoyable 100 minutes.

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he recently reopened Empire tavern on Princes Street has “special memories” for Martin Phillips of The Chills, as it is one of the regular venues the band played at during the heyday of Flying Nun bands in Dunedin. The only remaining member of The Chills’ original line-up, Martin Phillips has been keeping the band afloat for many years with a bunch of younger musicians.

Unfortunately, I missed the support band, Idiot Prayer, but word has it that they were fantastic. During the show we were to learn that Phillips held Tiddy Smith, the vocalist, in his arms as a baby. Awwww. After a slight delay, Phillips having lost his guitar somehow, as well as the drummer, the set got off to a bit of a shaky start.

Three songs in, I still wasn’t impressed. Phillips’ vocals were stilted, and the drums far too loud. Amidst the bobbing grey heads of a sold-out crowd “remembering the old days,” I was slightly worried that my expectations would be dashed. However, after a few more songs, something clicked and The Chills were on fire! Phillips seemed more relaxed, and if it were not for his beer gut, this could have been The Chills playing at the Empire 25 years ago. The hits started rolling. ‘Pink Frost’, ‘I Love My Leather Jacket’, ‘Heavenly Pop Hit’, ‘Wet Blanket’, and more. Phillips’ crowd banter was impressive – every song had a story, and he was full of fun facts about the history of the Empire. Playing to a home crowd of old schoolmates (Phillips went to Logan Park High School), friends, and family, the band was having a great time and so were we. Towards the end of the show, Phillips was getting a sore throat. “I’m not the young chap I once was”, he admitted. Despite this, the performance got better as the show went on. Things wound up with the Cat Stevens cover ‘Matthew and Son’, which they made sound a lot less lame than Cat Stevens does.

Gearing up for a few shows in Australia, the band were not as tight as they could have been, but this did not make it any less enjoyable.

Here’s to many more good shows at the Empire – get along and check out a part of Dunedin’s musical history!

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n 2006, DJ Zinc (Government name: Benjamin Pettit), one of the true legends of jump-up jungle drum and bass, found himself heading towards a crossroads of sorts.

“With drum and bass, around 2006, it became hard to find music that sounded cutting edge,” he says, speaking down the phone line from Sydney, Australia. “So when I noticed I was losing the excitement [for the music], I was like, right, I don’t want to turn into one of those DJs that just turns up and plays music to get paid. It is important to me that I’m excited about what I do.”

By the end of 2007, Zinc, mastermind of such internationally recognisable jump-up jungle drum and bass classics as ‘Super Sharp Shooter’ and his remixes of ‘Ready or Not’ by the Fugees and ‘Junglist’ by Tribe of Issachar, was completely out of love with the genre that had driven him to global acclaim. So, what do you do? Well, in Zinc’s case, he took a year off. After re-emerging in 2009 through the Trojan Horse of a genre he has self-verified as Crack House, in early 2010 he completely battered dance floors across the globe to pieces with a genuine singularity of a tune: ‘Wile Out’, featuring the irrepressible vocals of the UK’s legendary Miss Dynamite. Mid 2010, ‘Wile Out’ shows no sign of slowing down; in fact, it’s only getting bigger.

“It’s in the Japanese pop charts,” Zinc laughs. “That has just happened this week. So it’s really cool the way the track has been received in all different territories. It’s getting played all around the world, and it’s really opened a few doors for me production-wise as well. People are saying, ‘Do you want to come and co-produce a track with this particular artist?’ It’s really cool. I’m very happy I’ve made a track that has done so well. I wanted a track that was going to establish me in the house scene, because when I first started doing house, people were coming up to me and saying, ‘Are you going to play some drum and bass as well?’ They were still after the drum and bass stuff. But as soon as ‘Wile Out’ came out, everyone was just like, when are you going to play ‘Wile Out’? Do you have anything else that sounds like ‘Wile Out’? In London and the UK, they’re not interested in the drum and bass at all. They just want to hear the new stuff, what is coming next.”

It’s brilliant really, because it shows that at heart, Zinc is still the same musically excited dude he must have been when electronic music, records, and turntables first grabbed him in his teenage years: still on the cusp, still looking for the next thing, still seeing and hearing the invisible.

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F Makers

Cory Doctorow HarperCollins

uturistic fiction almost inevitably reflects the hopes and fears of the present, and Makers is no exception.

In Cory Doctorow’s vision, America’s economy has crumbled, the financial giants have collapsed, the richpoor divide is immense, and electric wheelchairs carry the super obese from one fast food outlet to the next. But at the same time, there is also a feeling of optimism: for example, technological aids are readily and cheaply available to everyone.

Makers made the most impact on me as a vehicle for Doctorow’s strong opinions on intellectual property, freedom, and big business. He repeatedly bangs home his points about fighting ‘the man’ in a way that somewhat reduced my enjoyment of the book. This is stuff he really believes in: not only is he an ardent supporter of Creative Commons, but he also posted this whole novel online for free (tinyurl.com/n5pjsq).

Although I did find the themes slightly overwhelming, Makers drew me in with its cynical wit. There is a strong strain of satire targeting recent history (particularly the dot-com bubble and the Bush administration). Makers is also tightly plotted enough to make me want to keep reading right to the last page, despite losing steam a little at some points.

Relationships are dealt with in a superficial way in most of the novel, which reflects the direction this futuristic society has moved in. Marriages inevitably fail, and sex is often referred to almost as if it were a pastime or form of exercise than anything else. The exception to this is an extraordinarily explicit one-night stand partway through the novel, which seemed entirely unnecessary. I was reading this in a public place (OK, a lecture), and it resulted in some quick page-flipping in fear that the guy behind me would think I was reading erotica in class. Awkward.

I would recommend Makers to anyone who enjoys a book with a message, and is interested in what Doctorow has to say. I’d also recommend it for the sake of the awesome inventions: despite all the fat people and economic ruin, the future is looking pretty damn cool.

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Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother: Stories of Loss and Love

Xinran Chatto and Windus.

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n this beautiful and moving book, Xinran retells stories told to her by women in China when she worked as a radio journalist in the late 1980s and 1990s. This time is known by the Chinese government as the ‘Reform and Opening’ period, and Xinran’s radio programme, “Words on the Night Breeze,” was one of the earliest talkback programmes in China. It mainly dealt with women’s issues, with Xinran attempting to explore what it meant to be a woman in China during this time. This is a question that Xinran is still exploring today, and on which she has published several books including The Good Women of China and China Witness.

Her most recent book focuses upon the issue of the adoption of Chinese babies, predominately girls. The backbone of the book is the collection of very personal stories from Xinran’s sources, which she weaves together with her own experience of being a woman and a mother in China. This is a very real and raw book, exposing a part of China that few people outside of that world will ever glimpse. Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother has a twofold purpose. First, Xinran aims to provide a context for those adopted girls as they get older, by attempting to explain to them the different conditions under which women lived in China, especially peasant women who have little rights or independence. The traditional compulsion for the production of boys in Chinese society, and the one-child policy introduced by the government to restrict population growth, means that girls born in China could be subject to death or abandonment. The stories in Xinran’s book are therefore intended to try to answer some of these daughters’ questions about why their mothers could not keep them. However, while pursuing this end, Xinran also provides an important historical narrative for the post-Cultural Revolution era of China. This is especially important for those peasant women who, without the endeavours of writers like Xinran, would never have their stories documented.

Totally absorbing, this book is highly recommended for anyone interested in China or women’s issues in general.

A Press Pass: 40 Years of Award-Winning New Zealand Photography

Geoff Dale HarperCollins

t first glance, Press Pass appears to be a book that would reside comfortably on a coffee table. However, primary assumptions, as Elizabeth Bennet and George W. Bush can attest, oft deceive. Here instead is a book of substance and history that provides insight into some of the most defining events in New Zealand in the latter half of the twentieth century. One only has to glance at the cover photo – which depicts the Armed Offenders Squad throwing a cat off a balcony before forcing their way into a house – to realiSe that a position on a coffee table with a pile of House & Garden magazines would not do the book justice.

Geoff Dale began his career as a press photographer with The New Zealand Herald in 1970. Since then, he has covered such events as the Mount Erebus disaster and the fatal French attack on the Rainbow Warrior; furthermore, the New Zealand politics students among us will remember that infamous photograph of the merrily defeated ‘Fish and Chip Brigade’. Each photograph in the book is accompanied by a description explaining where, why, and how Dale was able to take the shot. The mini-blurbs are comprehensive and often outline the story behind the photo that would usually be explained by the article itself.

The variety and spread of subject matter in this book is unsurprising given the length of Dale’s career. Often haunting and rarely dull, Dale takes the monochromatic medium of photography and experiments with form, composition, angles and light to create a number of poetic pictures. In one, he straps his $15 000 lens to the top of a Pitts Special plane to achieve an impressive shot looking back into the cockpit and beyond. Thankfully, the lens survived. In many of his portraits, the character and personality of the figure photographed comes through via the use of a related prop or other framing feature.

Press Pass is much more than a book that can be put on your coffee table and admired from afar. Throughout its pages, Dale proves the importance of being both a skilled photographer and being in the right place at the right time.

L Robert Ludlum’s The Bourne Deception

Eric Van Lustbader Orion Books

udlum stuffs more surprises into his novels than any other six-pack of thriller writers combined,” exclaims the New York Times, in reference to the Bourne series. However, Eric Van Lustbader, (no matter how hard he tries, and believe me, he does try!) is no Robert Ludlum. Van Lustbader’s pick up of the late Ludlum’s series is a painful failure. He seems to have taken Ludlum’s formula and sprinted with it, stuffing too much into the novel, and losing Ludlum’s masterful style.

Although this novel is titled Robert Ludlum’s The Bourne Deception, don’t be deceived. Master assassin Jason Bourne spends far too much time offstage, and is by no means a main feature. Following on from The Bourne Sanction, Jason Bourne and his latest nemesis, the Russian Leonid Arkadin, are caught up in a deadly game of cat-and-mouse. However, the roles of hunter and the hunted are now reversed. How clichéd. When Bourne is ambushed and badly wounded, he fakes his own death and goes into hiding. In safety, the wussy Bourne takes on a new identity and begins a mission to find out who tried to assassinate him. Meanwhile, the crux of the story occurs elsewhere. An American passenger airliner is shot down over Egypt by what appears to be an Iranian missile.

A massive global investigative team, lead by Soraya Moore, is assembled to unravel the truth before the situation escalates into an international disaster. When Bourne’s search for his would-be assassin intersects with Soraya’s search for the group behind the airplane bombing, Bourne is thrust into a race against time to uncover the truth and prevent a new world war, all the while being stalked by his “unknown” assassin.

If you can persevere past (or keep up with) the bad connections, plot holes, and drippy emotional filler, this is not a wholly bad read. Van Lustbader’s idea is brilliant, but his execution is poor. Robert Ludlum did an amazing job with his books, and alas, Van Lustbader has slowly destroyed this fine series, committing an injustice against Jason Bourne.

I would recommend reading this book … if you were really (really, really) desperate for some Bourne action.

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Alice in Cappingland

he Capping Show, notorious for its painful puns and topical sketch comedy, as well as a highly offensive main sketch, is about to enter its 116th run. This year, in Alice in Cappingland, we join Alice and her chums as they stumble down the rabbit hole into a student-flavoured Wonderland and face off against the dastardly Dean of Arts. Make sure to watch out for special guests (the cast of Glee AND Shortland Street!), crude nudes, and exotic locations (Mosgiel!). The traditional satire features as always, and this year’s show promises more politically incorrect jokes than you can shake a polaroid picture at. No stone goes unturned, no minority goes unharrassed! It also boasts 10-20 percent better-looking cast than last year. With appearances from old favourites like the Sextet, Sexytet, and the Knox Farce, as well as the strapping young lads of the Selwyn Ballet, this is a show not to be missed. Tickets are available online and from the OUSA office.

Don’t be late for this very important date! (See what we did there?)

Directed by Thom Adams, Alex Wilson and Dianne Pulham Written and acted by an ensemble cast Teachers College Auditorium, Union St May 12-22, 7.30 pm $15 Student $20 public – onlineshop.ousa. org.nz

LTT Review Shared Agendas

Thursday 6-5-2010 Co-ordinated by Ali East and Martyn Roberts

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his performance was the fourteenth Shared Agendas event. Shared Agendas provides an annual forum for a cross-disciplinary, improvised exchange between musicians, dancers, actors, performers, and techies. James Reedy explains that the work exists “within a spectrum which includes both inappropriate and appropriate activity as well as auspicious co-incidence.” This latest instalment of Shared Agendas provided many an inappropriate moment and a number of beautiful auspicious co-incidences.

Creating an improvised performance involving nigh on 15 performers is always going to be risky, but with the combined experience of all those involved I did feel like I was in very safe hands. What I particularly loved was the live camera feed, operated by Roberts. This offered a certain distancing effect within the piece as the audience was invited to engage with the performance on a whole new level, through the medium of projection. When I found the action on-stage to be cluttered and overwhelming I could retreat into the world that Roberts was creating on screen.

What I didn’t particularly appreciate were the exclamations that began “last year in Shared Agendas ...” I wasn’t interested in then, I was interested in what was happening now. What was happening in the space was often jumbled and I craved moments of silence, darkness, and stillness. There needed to be more contrast within the performance.

The performers were not often aware of the other bodies in the space and thus certain moments were not given the space and time to fully evolve before our attention was snapped away to gratify someone else’s offering; but, alas, such is the nature of improvised performance.

On the whole this was an interesting, sometimes un-nerving but fulfilling performance that was full of joyous surprises, and I hope Shared Agendas continues to be included in the annual Lunchtime Theatre line-up.

The Evolution of the SideScroller

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ome of the very first role-playing and action games were side-scrollers – well, the first ones that weren’t entirely text-based, at least. They became popular with both game developers and gamers. The developers liked side-scrollers because they allowed them to implement a large amount of story and complexity into the game, and worked well with the limited hardware available. The gamers enjoyed them because they were challenging. So, what exactly is a ‘side-scroller’? It is a game that offers a two-dimensional, side-angle view of characters and the environment, in which the character progresses from one side of the screen to the other, and the camera follows them as they move across.

Some of the first side-scrolling games are those that many of us will know very well; the Mario games (well many of them), Mega-Man, and Castlevania, to name a few. These were the widely popular, top-of-the-line, highperformance games of their time.

Side-scrolling games have begun to have a revival in modern gaming culture. Braid, Shadow Complex, and Little Big Planet are just a few examples of some popular modern side-scrollers. Side-scrollers are coming back because those same attributes that made them popular in the first place now have a nostalgic pull, and the new games have added some extra intriguing concepts. Braid offers time puzzles, Shadow Complex is a side-scroller in a 3D environment where enemies can attack from three directions instead of two, and Little Big Planet provides a large array of puzzles and customisability.

Side-scrollers have been popular for decades. They are a fun type of game that is being re-envisioned by current game developers. However, despite their charm and desirable characteristics, they may not appeal to all gamers.

Personally I prefer blasting creatures with guns, or hacking through them with swords in a highly-detailed 3D environment, though I recognise the attraction to retro-styled side-scrolling.

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