ISSUE 23, 2010

Issue 23 / september 13th / 2010

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FEATURES 18 A HISTORY: VIBRATORS 24 femme fatales

Schmack 26 - 37

CRITIQUE 38 - 49

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Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, Planet Media, or OUSA. Press Council: people with a complaint against a newspaper should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary, PO Box 10-879 The Terrace, Wellington.

Critic – Te Arohi PO Box 1436, Dunedin (03) 479 5335 critic@critic.co.nz www.critic.co.nz Editor in Chief:

Ben Thomson Designer in Chief:

Gala Hesson Features Writers:

Susan Smirk Caitlyn O’ Fallon Thomas Redford Creative Director:

Dreke Verkuylen News Editor:

Gregor Whyte News Reporters:

Rory MacDonald Julia Hollingsworth Sub Editor:

Marie Hodgkinson Feature ILLUSTRATOR:

Tom Garden

s a nation we witnessed one of the most significant events in our history last week when our second-largest city was brought to its knees by a massive earthquake. By now many of us are getting quake fatigue as we grow tired of the countless live crosses and miraculous stories of survival that are shown every night on the news. But when you stop and talk to a friend or a relative there – or get roped in by a particularly soppy Campbell Live piece – it does hit you how real this is. And how major this is. I know it is a cliché, but it has genuinely been quite touching how New Zealanders have come together and want to help. Canterbury students have been told to stay away from the University for two weeks so thousands of them have joined together and are volunteering en masse. It really is phenomenal. They even cancelled the Undie. A team from OUSA planned to join them over the weekend – a ‘reverse Undie’ they’re calling it – and will bring with them supplies, donated by Otago students, that the Canterbury students’ association say they need. Canterbury University also needs to be commended for a brilliant response to the quake. They have set up special Facebook and Twitter accounts to connect with the youngun’s and have been updating it regularly, answering questions from students nervous about overdue library books and assignments and posting photos from behind the cordon so students can take a peek at the damage caused to their University. There is a real community feel to the whole thing. Real nice. We’re very lucky at Otago – we have the most established student community of anywhere in the country. If a disaster ever struck here it would be that community that would get us through. We’re a community without parents, resources, or safe housing. If something like the Canterbury Quake decided to strike a couple hundred kilometres south we’d be totally fucked. We’d rely on the University (and OUSA) to offer guidance and support – they’re the thing that brought us all here in the first place – and the Vice Chancellor tells us this week that they’re taking notes on how they’re doing it in Chur Chur.

Music Editor:

Sam Valentine Film Editor:

Max Segal Books Editor:

Jonathan Jong FOOD EDITOR

Tien-Yi Toh ART EDITOR

April Dell Performance Editor:

Jen Aitken And a substantial army of volunteers xoxo Advertising:

Kate Kidson Tim Couch Dave Eley Logan Valentine Ad. Designer:

Daniel Alexander PH: (03)4795361 kate@planetmedia.co.nz WWW. planetmedia.co.nz

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An American woman’s marriage has ended in divorce after her husband found out that she had been faking terminal cancer. The woman, who had managed to scam a boatload of stuff from the local community, is understood not to have thought through the implications of pretending to have terminal cancer. Like eventually having to pretend to die, for instance.

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Girl 1: How did your assignment go? Girl 2: Real shit eh, I couldn’t get onto Wikipedia so I was pretty much fucked. – From Overheard @ Uni of Otago

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A German company has lost in court after it fired a worker for using 1.8 US cents’ worth of electricity without permission. The employee of 19 years charged his Segway at work, and was fired after a supervisor found out. Staff morale at the firm is apparently excellent, lol.

An electrician/fitness fanatic died after inadvertently wiring his home gym’s punching bag into the light socket. The British man received a fatal electric shock when he came home and drunkenly punched the bag, which he had somehow connected to the mains. Maybe he had some wires loose.

Children from Adolf Reichwein school in Germany received pornographic pens on their first day at school, allegedly given to them by members of the German Communist party. The Communist party had purchased the pens from a discount store, apparently believing the pens would only light up – not, as it were, light up and project images of women in suggestive poses. Huh?

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1: years Tom Cruise spent in a seminary training to become a priest. 228: average number of eggs a hen lays in a year, equivalent to 19 dozen. 37: age Jack Nicholson discovered his sister was actually his mother. 7: percentage of the Irish barley crop that is used to make Guinness beer.

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An ex band member of ‘70s and ‘80s group Electric Light Orchestra was killed by a giant bale of hay after it tumbled down a hill and smashed into his van. The cellist was killed instantly after the 600kg bale flattened his vehicle in Devon, England.

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The University of Baltimore is offering a new class on the undead. Students taking English 333 will watch 16 classic zombie films, and read zombie comics. As an alternative to a final research paper they may write scripts or draw storyboards for their ideal zombie flick.

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Scientists have found that the average swimmer in a public pool ingests urine at the rate of about 83mls an hour. That means the average half-hour dip at Moana is equivalent to about a shot’s worth of human waste. Nice.

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Annually, on average, you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands, but you will only greet six men who have done the same thing. Who would have guessed?

OUSA is considering withdrawing from the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA), but NZUSA maintains membership is worthwhile. OUSA President Harriet Geoghegan says the main reason OUSA is considering withdrawing from NZUSA is a lack of value for money. “For the amount we put in we get very little in return that we couldn’t do better and cheaper ourselves.” Co-President of NZUSA David Do counters this claim, saying the amount of OUSA fees that go towards NZUSA is approximately the price of two coffees per student ($5: clearly Do hasn’t had a flat white at the The Fix lately). “Through our strong national voice, through your two cups of coffee, we’ve helped achieve wins for you, wins for students, collectively saving you millions of dollars.” Among the “wins” Do listed were interest-free student loans, and making the passing of VSM not a “foregone conclusion.” Do says NZUSA has fought for “wins” at a local and national level, an assertion

Geoghegan dismisses. Geoghegan tells Critic “All of our most effective lobbying and advocacy has been done by OUSA about localised issues.” Additionally Geoghegan asserts that NZUSA has not been doing everything it has promised. “The main problem is trying to do too many different things and not achieving any of them.” Do is aware of OUSA’s concerns, and says it is well within OUSA’s rights to suggest changes to NZUSA. Do claims NZUSA is responding to OUSA’s concerns, saying a working group has been set up to look at the structure. However Geoghegan suggests that changes have only been made once OUSA began making moves to withdraw, and despite NZUSA’s positive steps, Geoghegan is not optimistic that the necessary changes will be made. Additionally Geoghegan contends that the advantage of a centralised student voice is lessened by NZUSA’s need to cater for the needs and wants of each student

organisation, which are sometimes different, or surplus to, OUSA’s needs or wants. VSM was cited as the reason why the decision to withdraw wasn’t made earlier in the year, though Geoghegan noted that the VSM process has highlighted the issues, and costs, of NZUSA. “It shows that we aren’t fine with the status quo but are instead making sure we are as responsible as possible with our students’ money.” Students will be consulted as to whether OUSA should stay or withdraw from NZUSA, although Geoghegan is doubtful many students will be motivated enough to vote. “To be honest I don’t think students will know enough about the issue to fully engage or care.”

The Otago Polytechnic Student’s Association has acted on its threats to withdraw from the New Zealand University Students Association (NZUSA), calling for a referendum of its members to decide the issue of whether or not to remain part of the national body. OPSA President Meegan Cloughley has been vocal in saying that OPSA is not getting value for its annual subscription fee of $31 000. “I have said the same thing for my three terms in this position: we have not seen financial accountability, their actions are not well communicated, and we have seen little proactive as well as reactive campaigning, so this isn’t a ‘knee-jerk’ reaction; it’s been going on for years,” Cloughley tells Critic. David Do, co-President of NZUSA,

claims that these issues are now being addressed. “This year we have revised our financial policy to update the practices we have in the national office and we are pretty much close to completion, so we will be able to provide financial information faster and we have financial accounts and newsletters sent out to all the Exec committees to help them keep up to date with what we are doing.” Cloughley accepts that financial accountability is now being looked into but “the action of the policy needs to be implemented and followed.” Do believes it is ‘unfortunate’ it has to come to this, but has a key message for Otago Polytechnic students: “It is important

to keep your strong national voice; we have delivered wins for the students and that can only continue if we stick together.” Cloughley meanwhile is of the opinion that NZUSA doesn’t appear to have a lot of concern for students: “I was told that changes to the tax, changes to repaying all student loans and also changes to Study Link, was not an issue.” While both sides agree the VSM campaign is of main concern this year Cloughley added, “this shouldn’t give reason to neglect other issues.” The referendum will be held on either the September 15 or 16 to allow Polytechnic students to decide the issue.

The proposed 2011 OUSA Operational Budget

The proposed 2011 OUSA Capital Expenditure Budget

The University of Canterbury was hard hit by the earthquake that rocked Christchurch on September 4. Two weeks of class have been canceled, and significant damage to University buildings has been reported. Some structures have visible cracks, a chimney fell off the Staff Club, there has been limited structural damage to walkways, stairwells, and lift wells, and substantial dislocation of shelving in the library, with around one million books strewn across the floor. There have also been chemical spills that require a technical clean up, and some ceiling and water damage. “We are very fortunate that the earthquake occurred at the time it did,” Canterbury Vice Chancellor Rod Carr says, referring to the fact that no one died, and that the quake occurred during the mid-semester break. “The extent of damage is certainly in the millions of dollars and will cause distress to staff and students. We now need to get on with our assessment and clean-up.” 10

The University of Otago has been regularly updating its website to keep staff and students at the Christchurch campus in the loop. Otago Pro Vice Chancellor Professor Don Roberton, has been to Christchurch this week to survey the damage first-hand. Vice Chancellor Sir Professor David Skegg was at our Christchurch campus on the two days before the earthquake, and hopes to be there again this week after the campus re-opens. “St Elmo’s building shows very significant cracking in exterior walls, and it appears unlikely that it will be useable in the near future … Staff housed in the St Elmo’s building should not try to access the building until further notice. This may be some days,” the University says. Sir Professor Skegg tells Critic that the University of Otago will no doubt learn from what Canterbury and Lincoln Universities are going through. “Naturally we will be reviewing all of our emergency response

plans in the light of the Christchurch experience,” he says. “I am sure that Canterbury and Lincoln Universities will have much to teach us about do’s and don’ts for the future, but it is too early to be having those conversations.” Academic programmes at Otago’s campus are expected to resume today, while Canterbury students will not be allowed on campus until Wednesday, with classes resuming next Monday. Meanwhile students from Canterbury and Lincoln Universities have mobilised into a volunteer force, helping locals to recover from Saturday’s events. Heavy labour such as shovelling silt and removing debris are among the tasks being undertaken by the students, and has been met with thanks by Christchurch residents. ENSOC, Canterbury University’s Engineering Society, has been handing out hot pizzas, and has cancelled the planned Undie 500.

A number of initiatives have been kicked off by OUSA last week in the wake of the devastating earthquake that rocked Christchurch last weekend. Otago’s Christchurch campus was closed all of last week while a significant clean up took place. No structural damage was reported to the buildings. On Thursday a support session for students who were in Christchurch on Saturday was held, at which staff from the Student Support Centre and a counsellor from Student Health were present. OUSA President Harriet Geoghegan was liaising with the President of the Canturbury students’ association (UCSA), and at the time of going to print, was planning a ‘reverse Undie 500’ to the Garden City to deliver “much needed food and water supplies. “The biggest feedback has been that there is a real shortage of water and that the UCSA foodbank will be in hot demand soon. Mobilising water and food supplies has been the first priority, and we will try to keep getting donations after the weekend,” Geoghegan says. OUSA was donated water containers from Wests and then actual water from Speights. Inexplicably dubbed a “mercy dash” by the Otago Daily Times, Geoghegan says the Otago students accompanying her are also keen to muck in alongside Canterbury students as long as they do not “get in the way.” Meanwhile, University of Otago Vice Chancellor Sir Professor Skegg tells Critic that he has been in touch with the Vice Chancellors of both Canterbury and Lincoln Universities, “to offer any help they would like.”

Quake causes commuter chaos

Scores of students trying to return to Otago’s Dunedin campus after the holidays were caught out by the quake, and later by high winds. The magnitude 7.1 earthquake shut down Christchurch Airport, a major hub for connecting flights, for most of Saturday, leading to widespread delays. Many travellers were rebooked onto flights on Sunday only to be delayed again by gale-force winds that cancelled flights at Dunedin Airport. Ironically, many flights were diverted to Christchurch. Dentistry student Inah Kim, who flew Pacific Blue, was caught up in the debacle. “We were given the option to either stay on the plane and be flown back up to Auckland, or get off at Christchurch but make our own way down to Dunedin,” she says. “They couldn’t organise any accommodation or buses due to city lock-down and closed roads to public transport.” Other Pacific Blue passengers had the choice of being stranded in Christchurch overnight to ride out aftershocks or returning back to Auckland. They were offered replacements flights for no extra cost, but due to the backlog, some students were arriving in Dunedin three to four days late. Air New Zealand passengers were slightly better off, being put on put on buses from Christchurch to Dunedin. Some students reported arriving in town around 3am on Monday morning. 11

The recent OUSA election, and the withdrawal of the Wellington-based Postgrad candidate under controversial circumstances, has raised questions about the quality of support OUSA gives to distance and satellite students. Satellite students study at campuses outside Dunedin, while distance students study off-site around the country. Kate Amore says OUSA does absolutely nothing for distance students, and merely sends up copies of Critic for students at Wellington’s satellite campus. She wants more communication between OUSA and the Exec, which she believes is the bare minimum for representation. “James [Meager] and Harriet [Geoghegan] have stated that they plan to work to improve communication with satellite and distance students; we’re also waiting to hear about this plan and hope that it involves some consultation with the students concerned.” Geoghegan did not respond to a request to comment for this article. During the OUSA election period, Amore became disillusioned with how distance students were treated. “Students not studying on the Dunedin campus are poorly served, and, as per my candidacy, if you do try to actively participate as an ‘equal’ member of the democracy that is OUSA, there is a lot of resistance.” Satellite students in Christchurch have formed associations of their own for both medical and post graduate students. By contrast, satellite students in Wellington opted not to form separate associations.

The Postgraduate Students Association of Otago in Christchurch (PSOC) has the standing of an affiliated club, rather than an association in its own right, and OUSA redirects most of its levies from Christchurch postgraduate students to PSOC. Distance Postgraduate students in Christchurch automatically become members of PSOC. James Dann, the President of PSOC, says that distance students make up around 10002000 of Otago students, and that number is growing. Although distance students are automatically members of OUSA, and pay levies, their levies are mostly reimbursed, as OUSA acknowledges that they gain little from the student association while offcampus. Amore thinks a lot more could be done for both distance and satellite students. “I think distance students will be best served by the University; they should be exempted from OUSA levies. Satellite students need better communication and pro-activity from OUSA, but no more funding.” Both Dann and Amore are advocating for a distance and satellite representative on the Exec, though Dann notes that this could be difficult given the drastic reduction in Exec members after the recent constitutional upheaval. Amore says that the Exec based in Dunedin has consistently failed to adequately represent and support distance members, and that a member representing these student’s interests is the only way to effect change.

Monday OUSA Teaching Awards Nominations Open “Estimating the Effects of Permanent Oil Price Shocks Consistent with Optimal Factor Allocation” 1pm, Room CO5.20, Commerce Building

Tuesday “A View of Liquor Law Reform - UK and New Zealand” 5.30pm, Colquhoun Lecture Theatre, Dunedin Public Hospital

Wednesday Dunedin’s Next Top Flat Judging “The Politics of Friendship: Reviving the Academic Debate” 12pm, St David’s Seminar Room 4

Thursday

OUSA Women’s Week is being held this week, and will feature a number of events which highlight issues facing women in New Zealand. The main event of the week is a seminar being held today at Commerce 2.07 from 3-6pm where Lesley Elliot, the mother of murdered University of Otago student Sophie Elliot, is giving a talk entitled “Sophie’s Story: What WE Missed.” There will also be also speakers on rape crisis and sexual coercion, amongst other topics. OUSA Women’s Rep Shonelle Eastwood, says “the talk focuses on what makes a healthy relationship and what to do when you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship. Often abuse is not physical in these types

of relationships.” Free nibbles and drinks will be provided, and Poppa’s Pizza will be available at the conclusion of the talks. Tuesday will see a lunchtime debate in the main common room on “Paris Hilton – A Feminist for the 21st Century,” although at time of Critic going to print high-level discussions were taking place, looking into the possibility of substituting either Megan Fox or Miley Cyrus for Hilton. Thursday is a Women’s Week edition of Networking, where guest speaker Jenny Beck, a prominent Dunedin lawyer, will give a talk. This will be held in Commerce 2.07 at 5pm and everyone is welcome to attend.

“Quality Improvement Efforts in U.S. Hospitals: Opportunities, Challenges and Lessons Learned” 4pm, Room 033, Adams Building

Friday OUSA Teaching Awards Nominations Close “The Effect of Abortion Liberalisation on Sexual Behaviour: International Evidence” 3pm, Room CO5.20, Commerce Building 13

Last week’s Exec meeting was a very brief and quiet affair, quite in contrast to the fivehour Budget-setting experience of a fortnight previous. The meeting took barely over half an hour, possibly a record for the gabbermouth Exec. Victoria Nicholson briefly presented the Elections 2011 Returning Officer’s Report, a tome that weighed more than the average newborn, and made OUSA Secretary Donna Jones cower in fear. The presence of ex-archenemies Harriet and Dan was the lumbering white elephant in the room, but the meeting was surprisingly comfortable given the mudslinging and bad-mouthing of last month. Dan moved a motion to thank Victoria for all the work she had done, which was duly passed.

Donna’s report as Returning Officer for the Referendum was next up, at which point Donna pleaded never to be made Returning Officer again. Dan then moved yet another motion, thanking the lovely Donna for putting in the hard yards. The Otago Student Animal Legal Defense Fund was then affiliated. Unusually, this prompted barely a whisper, except a mumble from Dan about the loyalty owed to Clubs and Socs. General Rep John Philipson resigned in a lengthy letter to the Exec, addressed “to the family.” His resignation was based on purely personal reasons, namely his inability to contribute adequately to OUSA because of a high workload in other areas. The

letter noted his sadness in leaving the role, thanked the Exec for enriching his time at Otago, and referred to Donna as a “surrogate mother.” The Exec has not yet indicated whether they intend to hold a referendum to find a replacement General Rep. In a very topical move Travis piped up with a sausage sizzle plan to help Christchurch in light of the recent earthquake. $200 was allocated from Campaigns, prompting Walker ‘Jokester’ MacMurdo to say: “we grant you your wieners.” Takes one to know one. Just as the meeting closed, Health Sci Rep Dave swaggered in to give a last notice for his debut event, the Health Sci Tournament Week. No one cared.

Problems have arisen regarding the transition between student and graduate account packages that banks offer. Every year, many New Zealand banks change students automatically onto a graduate account regardless of whether they have received information from the student. BNZ Customer Solutions Advisor Robert Judd says that this is merely procedure. “The way it works is on an annual basis,” says Judd. “Until we are notified that you are still studying it will be transferred to a graduate account. “This is basically because the majority of students study for three years, during which many often have a break and go into the workforce and we just need to be informed.” The automatic transfer to a graduate account was an inconvenience for a BNZ student customer. “It’s really annoying because I had no notification, so I only found out when I

needed to go the bank itself and they brought it up. “Now I have to go in at the start of every year to check.” Another student spoken to by Salient had the opposite problem with Westpac, being unable to change over to a graduate account, despite having finished at Victoria. The student said difficulties arose in the transition period between the end of the university year and graduation in May. “Because I was at the end of a tertiary account, and had not yet acquired a grad account, I had been hoping to get an overdraft but they said this was unable to be done under the tertiary account because it was so close to expiring. I was in bank account limbo.” A National Bank student customer says that while he was not automatically transferred, certain aspects of the student account package were revoked after the first year. “I found out to my own expense that they

remove my $2000 overdraft limit after a year, which was lame.” Student accounts are beneficial for students on the whole. Most New Zealand banks, including Westpac, ASB, ANZ, BNZ, and National Bank, have similar student account deals. These include no monthly base or transaction fees, an interest-free overdraft, and a free to low-fee credit, Visa, or debit-plus card.

NZ Universities Slip

Otago Tops New Rankings

New Zealand’s universities have fallen in the latest major world university rankings to be released. The QS World University Rankings were unkind to almost all New Zealand’s top institutions, with the University of Otago falling ten places from 125 last year to 135 this time around. Auckland University was still the top-rated New Zealand institution at 68, while the University of Canterbury was the only NZ institution to record a rise, up 4 places to 225.

The University of Otago has topped a new ranking table of teaching and learning performance in the New Zealand tertiary sector, with the Otago Polytechnic also performing well. The rankings, released by the Tertiary Education Commission, aim to provide a national snapshot of institution and student performance. The table included four measures of tertiary institutions performance, with the University topping all three measures that applied to it. The University of Auckland was the second best performed institution.

Teaching Awards Nominations for the annual OUSA Teaching Awards open today. The awards have been running for nine years, and honour the best teaching staff at the University of Otago as nominated by students. This year, in addition to the teaching excellence Top Ten awards, there will be two specific awards. The first is the Disability Awareness and Inclusive Teaching Award, courtesy of the University’s Disability Information and Support Centre, and the second is the Best Use of Humour in Teaching Award. Nominations close this Friday.

Otago to run Science Academy The Government is providing almost $600 000 towards the establishment of a University of Otago Science Academy. Initially a two-year pilot scheme is to be implemented, involving students and teachers from secondary schools without major science laboratory facilities. Deputy Vice-Chancellor Professor Vernon Squire told the Otago Daily Times that the scheme is designed to enable talented science pupils from small, rural, and low-decile schools access and exposure to science facilities generally available only at larger schools. “It is a way of redressing the balance.” The Science Academy will complement the existing Hands On Science summer camp run by the University for secondary-school students.

University Announces Award Recipients Three University of Otago researchers have been named the recipients of the University’s Early Career Awards for Distinction in Research. The awards, worth $5000 each, recognise academics with outstanding research achievements early in their careers. The three recipients were Dr. Simone Celine Marshall, a senior lecturer in the Department of English; Mrs. Jessica Palmer, a senior lecturer in the Law Faculty; and Associate Professor Richard Gearry, from the Department of Medicine.

Vic student sues over plagiarism finding Former Victoria University Interior Design student Brittany Bell appeared in Wellington’s High Court last week to challenge the plagiarism findings made against her by the University in 2008. Bell was barred from graduating after the University found her guilty of presenting other architects’ work as her own. Bell has already appealed the decision to a university disciplinary appeal committee, who upheld the ruling. As reported by NZPA, Bell’s lawyer Les Taylor has argued that Bell’s work did adequately attribute its source and that she could not have done anything more to identify the images. “It would be a curious form of plagiarism that directed the examiner to the very work being copied. If there was any intention to deceive … Ms Bell went about it in an extremely unusual way.” He says that the University committee did not understand Bell’s methods of referencing. The University’s lawyer Bruce Corkill QC says that Bell should have known that she needed to clearly reference her sources, as these requirements were made “crystal clear” to students. He says that the referencing was too vague and indirect for a final project.

As many of you will know, it is New Zealand Fashion Week and in this, the Critic Women’s Issue, I thought I would ambush a few designers with some queries about what we can expect to see come down the catwalk this year.

Marc Moore Stolen Girlfriend’s Club

How are preparations going for NZFW, looking forward to it? Yes, we are psyched! NZFW is probably our second-biggest event – Sydney is our biggest-scale event, especially as it is overseas (makes it a lot harder to coordinate). We definitely get a lot more sentimental about NZFW, New Zealand is our home and we have all our friends and family at the show. What can we expect from your collection this year? Last night’s party. What do you mean by that? We were inspired by going to parties. Those times when you’re looking forward to going out and catching up with friends. The unknown – is it going to be the best night of your life or is it going to be the worst night? Do you think the NZ fashion industry is overpriced? It comes down to self-expression, if you want to invest in something that is unique, something that you can be proud of then you will pay the extra for something by a New Zealand designer. Manufacturing in New Zealand is way, way more expensive than offshore, most people are doing it for love.

What are your plans for 2011? I am really enjoying the direction the brand is going in. We are enjoying great success in some of our international markets and here in New Zealand. Adrian Hailwood Hailwood

How are you looking forward to NZFW? We are looking forward to Fashion Week as every year it’s the most important selling and media event. What can we expect from your collection this year? Velvet, spots, and more spots. What were you inspired by? Go-go girls. Do you think New Zealand designers are overpriced for the average consumer? Having a garment that is unique and [which there are] not many of alas costs a bit more (fabric made, small production run, etc) [and in that respect], designer clothing in New Zealand is inexpensive for that market compared to offshore. If we don’t have price-pointed clothing then we would all be running around in moleskin minis, Guernsey sweaters, and pearls!

Cybèle Wiren Cybèle

NZFW has been going for ten years now. How long have you been presenting? I think this is my seventh, but I have to look it up every time. What can we expect to see this year? It’s actually all pretty much under wraps, I don’t want to give anything away. Or could I say, does it relate to any of your previous collections at all? I think design is a continuum so there are always parts that do relate but every season is a new start in terms of theming and things. In previous years you have gone for bold blocks of colour, can we expect to see the same sort of thing this year? This year, it does have quite an earthy feel, but there will be some surprises in there. How important do you think NZFW is to the industry as a whole? I think it is hugely important. It has definitely been integral to the development of the brand. It is not just sales during the week, it is how the brand grows as an entity itself and having that showcase on the catwalk in Fashion Week is really important for that. It has spinoffs in every area of the business.

James Dawson Jimmy D

Are you looking forward to NZFW? Yes. Mostly yes. It is just coming up very, very quickly like it is two weeks basically, two weeks from today until Fashion Week. It is crunch time. What is your concept this year? The concept for the collection is quite dark, I guess. It is inspired by an eighties cult film called Miss 45 which is kind of a vigilante film where a good girl goes bad basically and dons a 45 calibre and takes revenge on all of these men who have scorned her. So it is kind of inspired by that and an artist I have been working with called Andrew MacLeod. He’s very much into this black, metal, Norwegian kind of black metal aesthetic. NZFW is now in its tenth year, how many years have you been involved? This is my second solo show. I showed in 2006, but I have had presence on the catwalk in a couple of other shows, the agResearch show and last year, there was the little black show. How important has it been to your brand as a whole? It’s incredibly good for profile. Being on the catwalk, people definitely know that you are showing. It definitely makes you up your game I think, in terms of showing in front of 400 people, you definitely step your game up. Georgie Fenwicke 17

as the epitome of prudishness. The end of the nineteenth century was a time when table legs wore skirts and the Queen was said to have told her daughter that the only way to endure the marital bed was to “lie back and think of England.” So it comes as a surprise to most people to find that that most modern and liberated tool, the vibrator, dates back to the Victorian era. In its first incarnation, the vibrator didn’t look anything like today’s discrete gadgets. They were large, sometimes steam-driven appliances. And they certainly didn’t belong in the bedroom. Instead, vibrators could be found in the hallowed offices of the respectable local doctor. This is not to say that vibrators weren’t used for exactly what we’d expect. Almost from the start, vibrators had one purpose: getting women off. But in a time when the existence of the female orgasm was widely denied by the medical establishment and women’s sexuality was the ultimate taboo, the vibrator was strictly a medical treatment for a peculiarly female problem. Since the time of the Pharaohs in Ancient Egypt, some women were considered to suffer from an affliction caused by the influence of the uterus on their minds. In 1859, this disease, hysteria, was thought to be rampant, affecting as many as a quarter of British women. Hysteria could have almost any symptom. The only thing common to every person diagnosed with hysteria was that they were always female. In 1881 a physician named George Beard wrote a list of symptoms of hysteria that ran to 75 pages, and he called that incomplete. It was no wonder, then, that so many women were diagnosed with hysteria, given that the disease encompassed almost every possible presentation. Although hysteria was never such a popular disease as it was at the end of the nineteenth century, it was hardly a new disease in 1881. The first known reference to hysteria can be found in a papyrus dating back to 1990 BC. This referred to a disease caused by the uterus moving upwards in the body and pressing against the diaphragm, causing both physical and bizarre mental symptoms. The word ‘hysteria’ comes from the Greek hystera, and dates from the time of the famous philosopher and mathematician Plato. He wrote of the uterus traveling around a woman’s body, wreaking havoc as it went. When it reached the chest and throat, it caused difficult breathing and fainting. In fact, the uterus was so prone to wandering that some believed that the uterus getting overexcited and moving up to the throat was the reason that women sometimes panted and groaned during sexual intercourse. Galen of Pergamon was the foremost doctor of his time, in the second century AD, and is still famous today for his contribution to medicine. He observed hysteria particularly in nuns, unmarried women, widows, and women in unhappy marriages, and concluded that the disease was caused by sexual deprivation. Fortunately, the treatment was quite simple: “Arising from the touch of the genital organs required by the treatment, there follows twitchings accompanied at the same time by pain and pleasure ... from that time she is free of all the evil she felt.” This treatment of ‘pelvic massage’ continued for a very long time. It was not the only treatment for hysteria, but it was undoubtedly one of the more effective in terms of making a woman feel better. It was often delegated to midwives, as the tedious task of producing an orgasm in a woman was not something doctors wanted to bother themselves with. From the time of Galen, physicians would instead recommend less efficient methods of achieving the desired result, such as vigorous horseback riding. Eventually, better methods of producing a ‘hysterical paroxysm’ were sought. One such method was hydrotherapy. It was a popular pastime in the late eighteenth century

By Caitlyn O’Fallon

An Egyptian papyrus describes a disease caused by the upward pressure of the uterus. It is said to cause bizarre physical and mental symptoms.

Plato says of women that “The animal within them [the uterus] is desirous of procreating children, and when remaining unfruitful gets discontented and angry, and wandering in every direction through the body drives them to extremity, causing all varieties of disease.”

Hippocrates describes how women’s reproductive organs could cause dizziness, paralysis, and sensory disturbances by moving around.

Galen theorises that hysteria is caused by sexual abstinence. He prescribes pelvic massage with oils by a midwife or sexual intercourse within marriage as the treatment.

Hysteria is thought to be a symptom of demonic possession.

and onwards to go to a health spa. Many of the treatments available at baths were specifically aimed at women. In 1752 Tobias Smollet remarked at how many devices at Bath were only for ladies. In 1843 a French doctor, Henri Scoutetten, described a ‘cold water douche’ that was very popular with his patients: “The first impression produced by the jet of water is painful, but soon the effect of the pressure, the reaction of the organism to the cold, which causes the skin to flush, and the reestablishment of equilibrium all create for many persons so agreeable a sensation that it is necessary to take precautions that they do not go beyond the prescribed time, which is usually four or five minutes. After the douche, the patient dries herself off, refastens her corset, and returns with a brisk step to her room.” There were disadvantages to this treatment. Doctors could not perform it in their rooms, so they were losing patients to these spas. It was relatively expensive, and patients would often have to travel to get it. This was less than ideal given that hysteria was considered a chronic illness that required regular treatment. The first mechanical vibrator intended for ‘pelvic massage’, invented in about 1869 by an American named George Taylor, did not quite solve this problem. In fact, the first vibrators were monstrous beasts compared with any piece of sex equipment you’d find today. In about 1900, the most high-end vibrator was the Chattanooga. It was steam-powered and required two men to shovel coal into the furnace. The action end of the vibrator was in another room, where the doctor would be administering to his thankful patient. The Chattanooga was intended for all sorts of massage in both men and women, including in rectal massage in men. It wasn’t just women getting pleasured by their doctors. With widespread electricity came a new era in vibrators. Vibrators were among the first pieces of technology to be electrified, even before anyone thought to run irons or vacuum cleaners on electricity. There were dozens of brands and types of vibrators, including musical vibrators and vibrators that delivered a jolt of electricity along with the movement. Vibrators were advertised in all sorts of publications that women read: catalogues, home companions, newspapers, and sewing magazines. They were marketed with vague terms about health and vitality and claims of pain relief, beauty, better digestion, and even curing dandruff. But given their exclusive marketing to women, their previous use and even the wording of some of the ads themselves (“all the pleasures of youth ... will throb within you”), they were almost certainly not only being used for back rubs. The ad including a free attachment to create a vibrating chair was also a dead giveaway. Advertising for vibrators disappeared in the 1920s. Nobody knows exactly why this is. According to Rachel P. Maines, the foremost expert on the topic, it may have been due to the advent of pornographic films. These showed vibrators being used unambiguously as tools of self-pleasure, and the facade of health and wellness became impossible to maintain. Vibrators continued to be sold, but they were renamed back massagers and advertised much more discreetly. The renaissance of the vibrator occurred in the 1970s, on the tide of the sexual revolution of the previous decade. The first vibrator to be sold explicitly as a sexual aid was called the Prelude, and was manufactured from the mid-’70s onwards. Possibly still more popular, however, were machines like the Panabrator, the supposed purpose of which was body massage. The first sex store aimed at women, named Good Vibrations, opened in San Francisco in 1977. Vibrators really made it into the public spotlight in 1998 with the Sex and the City episode Turtle and the Hare, in which Carrie becomes addicted to her Rabbit vibrator. Television even just twelve years ago was

much more conservative in what would be shown today, and this episode resulted not only in the immediate popularity of the Rabbit, but in a more widespread awareness of vibrators in general. Now, of course, there are almost limitless possibilities for vibrators. Many of the most popular, for example the powerful Hitachi wand, are still sold as ‘neck massagers’. For women in search of more novelty, there are clitoral vibrators, G-spot vibrators, vibrating dildos, rabbits (which stimulate the vagina and clitoris simultaneously), waterproof vibrators, vibrating eggs, bullets, and more. Vibrators can be for use by one person or two, as with cockrings and remote-controlled vibrators. There are even vibrating butt-plugs. We’ve come a long way since the time of the Chattanooga.

The Victorian era (1837-1901) was a time of contradictions. At the same time as doctors were regularly masturbating female patients to the point of orgasm, masturbation in general was thought to be not only morally dubious but dangerous to one’s health. ‘Onanism’, ‘selfabuse’, or ‘the solitary vice’ was a health epidemic of such proportions as to compete with hysteria. According to Orson Fowler, publishing in the journal Sexual Science in 1870, “It not only poisons your body, destroys your rosy cheeks, breaks down your nerves, impairs your digestion, and paralyzes your whole system; but it also corrupts your morals, creates thoughts and feelings the vilest and worst possible, and endangers your very soul’s salvation! No words can describe the miseries it inflicts throughout your whole life down to death. But its ravages do not stop there. They follow you and prey on you forever! You can never fully rid yourself of those terrible evils it inflicts.” This attitude to masturbation was in line with general attitudes to sex at the time. Because sex was considered to be primarily for the purpose of procreation, any kind of sexual activity not intended to lead to pregnancy was frowned upon: homosexuality, anal or oral sex, and prostitution are some examples. There were a variety of anti-masturbation devices available to protect one from this scourge. Some involved spikes and locks and metal in places we wouldn’t want to even think about. But weighed up against the terrible ill-health and eternal damnation caused by masturbating, they must have seemed like the better option. Renaissance Period (fourteenth-seventeenth centuries AD): Theories about hysteria return to the idea of the ‘strangulated womb’. Treatments involve stimulating the genitals by horse riding, dancing, and particularly marriage and sexual intercourse. 1890s: Freud claims that hysteria is not related to the genitals and shouldn’t be treated by genital stimulation, but instead is caused by past psychological trauma and should be treated with talk therapy. 1952: The American Psychiatric Association drops ‘hysteria’ as a diagnosis, although ‘hysterical neuroses’ and ‘hysterical personality disorder’ hang on for another few decades.

Vibrators aren’t universally accepted. Selling vibrators is illegal in many countries, including India, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, and Malaysia. Astonishingly, sex toys are also illegal in many states in the USA, either explicitly as in Alabama or under obscenity laws. Vibrators must be sold as novelty items not intended for sexual use, or as that old favourite, the ‘neck massager’. Some religious

groups in the US believe that vibrators are dangerous and immoral. Dan Ireland, a preacher who is particularly outspoken against sex toys, claims that “Sometimes you have to protect the public against themselves ... These devices should be outlawed because they are conducive to promiscuity, because they promote loose morals and because they entice improper and potentially deadly behaviours.” He believes that “there is no moral way to use one of these devices.” In 2003, a 43-year-old Texan mother of three was arrested for selling a vibrator to two undercover police officers and giving them a description of how to use it. Had she sold it to them without discussing its purpose, it would have been legal. Yes, the police actually bothered to send officers undercover to catch someone selling sex toys. Fortunately, the law that allowed this was overturned in 2008, but the ban still stands in Alabama.

Dildo: the earliest known sex toys are stone dildos dating back at least 30 000 years. Ancient Egyptians and Greeks both used dildos and depicted them in art. The first rubber dildos were manufactured in 1966. Ben-Wa Balls: ben-wa balls, or pleasure balls, may have been around since as far back as 500 AD, and were reportedly widespread in parts of Asia in the sixteenth century. They consist of a number of marblesized balls on a string or chain, which are inserted into the vagina or anus. Pornography: carved stone figurines with exaggerated breasts and hips have been dated back to 25 000 years ago. Some archeologists suggest that these are some sort of fertility symbol, while others claim them as the first known pornography. Penis Extenders: penis extenders were depicted in the Kama Sutra, the original sex manual, in 200 AD. Cock Rings: the first cock rings are thought to have been invented in China in around 1200 AD. They were made of dried goat’s eyelids, with the eyelashes remaining attached for extra sensation.

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Fainting Anxiety Heaviness in the abdomen Irritability Sexual fantasies Loss of appetite Vaginal lubrication

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Schmack OPINIONS AND STUFF...

27 SOAP BOX

28 COLUMNS

28 left / right 29 DEBATABLE 30 SPORT / APOCALYPSE HOW? 31 THIS WEEK MATTHEW... 32 top 5 / odt 33 OUSA / TE ROOPU

34 LETTERS

36 BOFS

37 RETINA 26 32 34

LONE STARS Guidance councillors are liars. It may be crass to state it, but it’s true. And I can prove it. Meet me, or one of my equivalents, at your local restaurant daily from 3.30pm, and we will show you. You’ll be met by a trapped, transient bunch, confined to roles which fail to meet with their own anticipation. Almost everyone will be on the way to somewhere else. The rest will wish that they were. Here, an art dealer serves as maître-d’. There, an electrician-in-waiting cooks steak, while a Philosophy major serves drinks. This is no local phenomenon, no fluke. It’s the same all over. In hospitality, the cast of characters is always littered with the usual suspects. There are the students, the drinkers, the drifters, those with Arts degrees. Crazy chefs, guys who can get their hands on certain things, waitresses whose reputations advance a considerable distance before them. The duties, hours, and recriminations are uniform, too. So are the uniforms. Like Vincent Vega said, it’s just the little differences. As a kitchen-hand in the Gold Coast you get $AUD18 an hour. In Dunedin you get $12.75. In Perth, you get $AUD16, and enquiries from the bread guy as to where he can obtain meth-amphetamine. In Melbourne you can’t find a job. Most people would say that washing dishes for a living is a thankless proposition. That is untrue. The white chocolate chips, after all, are always complimentary. The orange juice is free, too, only it tastes like a bribe would taste if it were more bitter. A kitchen-hand’s life is at once humbling and revealing. With it comes an entirely new perspective - one from the bottom looking up. A lot can be seen from down there. You get to know the people around you very quickly. Shared menial labour has a tendency of doing that. It took me less than three hours to know my predecessor. He was an extraordinary fellow. You know the type. Muscle-bound yet incredibly small. Invariably eating. Forever talking. Always shifting. This was his last shift, and he did not care. He told me as much, many times. He also told me shortcuts, helpful hints, ways to cheat and where to hide. That the food was bountiful and the waitresses were evil and not to be trusted. The enduring image of him is with camera phone in hand, wilfully snapping pictures of recipes from a plastic clear-file, hunched and hurried like some Russian spy. Since then his words have proven prophetic. Especially the ones about the waitresses. Their once obvious beauty has waned with each successive meeting. Now, they are nothing more than the enemy delivering plates, bowls, spoons, knives, forks, and all manner of other things. Most fail to stack properly. Some do not stack at all. Very few scrape. At least two do neither, and evidently feel it below their station to look at, or converse with, someone in such lowly employment. The job itself is not difficult. Everything has been idiot-proofed. Roles are strictly defined, and laminated checklists hang on every wall. So do pictures of the food, pamphlets of safety regulations, and a full list of house rules, which covers things as diverse as car parks and leave applications. Standing there, in a quiet moment before the dinner rush starts, it’s hard not to feel like a faceless drone. The mind wanders to the lives of previous versions; to the fates of those who for varying amounts of time stood in the same spot, and did the same thing. Each shift is a grind. Generally, you arrive expecting hell, only to find yourself in purgatory. If it is quiet, time ceases to be. When it’s busy the night hums by, lost in the blurred reflection of the stainless steel. What is left is filled with filth in unexpected places, stories, hi-jinks, and experimentation. Surprisingly, for a restaurant with surplus rib-eye, vacuum-packed salmon and lamb shanks, the greatest delicacy to those who work there is deep-fried chicken skins, which taste exactly like they sound. The hot foods chef claims to have eaten between thirty and forty. Ultimately, all that is left is the fat, which permeates that place. It saturates sinks; hangs here and there. It must go somewhere. Left with no alternative, it comes to me. My uniform perpetually reeks of it, as does my hair, though I don’t know why. At 11.30pm, bent but not broken, we shoot out in all directions to either sleep, watch TV, play video games, or smoke drugs. Lone stars into the night.

ight now I’m reading over Gerry Brownlee’s Draft Energy Strategy. This document outlines the National Party’s – and therefore our– blueprint of the future of energy in NZ. I know drafts are supposed to be a shittier version of the final product but even so, it sucks balls. (On a side note it turns out that Brownlee is the worst Minister at doing his homework! A recently compiled list of the return rate of Ministers responding to Official Information Act requests shows that our Minister of Energy and Resources came in at the bottom of the list. He can’t answer legally obligatory questions on time. Not a good look Gerry ...) The first thing that hits you in the Draft Energy Strategy is the priority given to fossil fuels. According to Gerry, “for too long now we have not made the most of the wealth hidden in our hills, under the ground, and in our oceans” i.e. dirty coal and oil. Everybody would agree with Brownlee – if he had made that statement in the nineteenth century. The second thing that hits you is the lack of substance. Brownlee is keen for 90 percent of our energy to come from renewable sources by 2025. This was Helen’s goal but it is very admirable that National, a party which until recently denied that climate change was even happening, is undertaking the best form of flattery. But Gerry’s got nothing. Currently, about 70 percent of our energy is renewable. So where is the funding? Where are the programmes? If you want to get 90 percent for an essay you have to prioritise it over other activities. You have to take steps towards producing something decent because it won’t happen by itself. There’s no way Gerry is getting an A+ on this particular exercise. The thing is, if he fails, we all fail. Only it’s not going to be funny on Fail Blog. Gerry’s plan is for the free market to sort it all out. Miraculously, short-term consumer decisions are going to equate to environmentally favourable long term outcomes. I don’t know where he’s been for the past three years, what with international financial carnage, big oil fuck-ups and billion-dollar taxpayer Cantabrian bailouts. Whatever way you look at it, in terms of economics, environment, or wellbeing, the free market without government intervention has been one big epic FAIL. Our Government needs to stop crossing their fingers, grow some balls, and set our energy sector on the right course so our children’s children can enjoy the level of comfortable living that we do. No one is talking a state run economy here, just the right incentives and priorities. So to sum up, Brownlee’s plan for New Zealand energy is for more of the same, but hopefully better. Inspiring. And as bereft of understanding of what we are doing to the planet as I am sarcastic. Next week I’ll look at what we could actually be realising from the potential of renewable energy.

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o apparently poor people spend more of their income on healthy food than rich people. But then, poor people probably spend more of their income on any food, and indeed on pretty much any fixed-cost expense. What a great use of time and effort to tell us that poor people have less money than rich people. The problem is that, because of this, we are told we should be taking GST off healthy food, or that it’s somehow cheaper to eat unhealthily. We shouldn’t, and it’s not. Leaving GST exemptions aside, because I’m sure you all know why those are a bad idea, let’s look at food costs. On the surface, some healthy food is more expensive. If you compare fatty mince and lean fatty mince, the fatty one is cheaper. But that is a very narrow perspective which breaks down when you take a more fundamental approach to food. Replacing your cheap fatty meat, either partially or entirely, with lentils or another cheap source of protein, gives you a cheaper and healthier alternative. But maybe people don’t realise that. Most processed, heavily-advertised food is going to be more expensive than bulk, unbranded food. The processing costs are less, packaging costs are less, and advertising costs are less. So you are going to be paying less. It’s also important to realise that food doesn’t need an organic sticker to be healthy. People who approach their food from a knowledgeable and flexible base will be able to eat much more healthily and cheaply than those who purchase processed, packaged, pre-made foods. Making the most of sales, seasonable and bulk produce, as well as cooking more at home, means you get a lot more control over your food, and spend less. Writing healthy food off as boring is just lazy; any food is boring if you don’t know what to do with it. At a basic level, if food is so expensive for a person that they are actually going to starve, then sure it’s the Government’s responsibility, and if they just don’t know how to budget for food instead of gambling, then maybe food vouchers and food banks are going to be a lot more successful than money. But real starvation is going to be very uncommon. The problem isn’t that food is too expensive (food is actually getting cheaper compared to average incomes). It’s that lots of people don’t know how to cook, don’t think they have the time to cook, or are ignorant. And sadly, like most things, those in poverty end up with less knowledge and so can’t use or pass on the information needed to eat well. So, the problem is knowledge, and either parents need to step up or schools will need to start taking on a more fundamental lifeeducation role. Teach kids a little bit about something practical, and it might end up with massive returns. And with that extra responsibility, teachers might even deserve the pay they demand.

Joanna: Look, we can all agree that women’s rights need to improve in the developing world. But tying World Bank aid to women’s rights is not the right way to do this, or even an ethical option. Firstly, women’s rights would not be best served by tying World Bank aid to them. Change for women’s rights needs to come from within a country, and both shape and be shaped by their culture. Achieving the current objectives of the World Bank would improve quality of life. Historically, when quality of life improves, human rights rise. When corruption is minimised, the economy is strengthened and poverty diminished, women would have more options and opportunities. Community leaders tend to be more receptive when their countries aren’t crippled by poverty. There’s also danger tying World Bank aid to women’s rights would backlash, creating resentment and increased corruption, not change. Secondly, it wouldn’t be ethical. Utilitarianism says (simplistically) the option which results in the greatest good for the greatest number is best. World Bank development assistance is to encourage economic growth and creating business environments. Women’s rights are an important subset of human rights, but 50 percent of the population aren’t women. Political and civil rights are amazing. But it could be argued that freedom from starvation, improved health and sanitary conditions, and education are of greater utility to the 50 000 people who die every day in the developing world from starvation, waterborne diseases, and AIDS. It would be completely unethical to penalise these people on the basis of legal rights, which aren’t always determinative. Lastly, the World Bank is not the body to be judging women’s rights. It is not their job. It was established for economic development assistance. Human rights are open to interpretation, and some don’t believe they exist. Women’s rights are even more contentious. This is definitely open to claims of insidious ideological imperialism. The only way for the World Bank to measure women’s rights would be legal rights. Turkey’s EU admission shows how ineffective this is. It would be an administrative nightmare and be no better than if the World Bank effectively achieved its own goals.

Shoul d We T to Wo ie World B ank A men’s id Rights ?

Harry: Tying world aid to women’s rights is one of the only certain ways to improve women’s rights in third-world countries that do little or nothing to protect women’s rights and well-being. For decades aid agencies, foreign governments, and the UN have all unsuccessfully tried to improve women’s rights via diplomacy with absolutely no effect. Women are still being treated as second-rate citizens and are still being subject to cruel and violent abuse, and the only effective way to improve the rights of women is by providing a financial incentive (in the way of aid money) to do so. Embargoes and threats have already proved ineffective as punishments do not provide actual benefits and do not create incentives for Government’s of these countries to actually make a cultural change to improve women’s rights. Third-world countries see money as a necessity and aid agencies and foreign governments alike can take advantage of this need to create a positive benefit for the women of these countries. Aid has been provided to third-world countries for decades and has had little effect as there have been no conditions attached to the aid and the money is used reactively rather than proactively. By actually using aid money proactively to target the improvement of human rights (here, specifically women’s rights) then the aid money will actually be used 100 percent more efficiently. Not only will the aid money be used as it normally would, but it will also be improving the rights of women at the same time. The next big issue is that of women’s rights themselves. Women’s rights should not need to be classified as ‘women’s rights’. The rights of women should be basic human rights, just as the rights of men are. It is not unacceptable to say that a country has a culture of shocking treatment of women and that aid agencies should respect that. Why should we respect violence and abuse? The short answer is we shouldn’t. We need to improve women’s rights and the best way to do this in third world countries is through aid, because aid and money is what these countries respect, not diplomacy.

Debatable is a column written by the Otago University Debating Society. They meet every Tuesday at 7pm in Commerce 2.20.

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N on e of t his is r e al

nless you’re a card-carrying nihilist, chances are you’d rather not see the apocalypse bearing down on humanity any time soon. Most of us have a nice enough life going on and would prefer that our enjoyment of Two and a Half Men on Sunday nights wasn’t interrupted by the world exploding, imploding, or whatever it is the world does when it comes to an end. But perhaps we’re looking at the problem the wrong way: how can we be sure that this comfortable existence that we’re so keen to preserve is even real in the first place? We’ve all seen The Matrix. (Seriously, if you haven’t seen The Matrix, then what the hell? I’m not talking about the second two, they were kind of lame, but the first one, man … that was some sweet shit. You know that bit where time stops and you can see the bullets in mid-air and then Neo stops the bullets with his mind? That was awesome.) Perhaps everything we are now experiencing is just some sort of constructed universe, designed to keep humanity ignorant of a reality that is far worse – to shield us, say, from some horrible world in which every song on the radio is delivered in a strange, robotic howl, and an unhinged Alaskan woman has a chance of becoming the most powerful person in the world. Oh, wait … The point is, if everything we see around us is just an illusion then we could all ‘wake up’ at any moment, thus effectively ending our current existence. Alternatively, what if the world around us is real but has still been artificially constructed in some way? It’s not entirely implausible that our planet is some kind of bizarre galactic experiment, one which will terminate whenever its creators have gathered the information they need. Far be it from me to speculate on the purpose of such an experiment, but based on the fact that Dane Rumble exists I’m pretty sure that we’ve failed somehow. Surely it’s only a matter of time before they pull the plug on the whole thing and start again, hopefully having learned a thing or two about the essence of humanity in the process – as well as how to stop auto-tune from being invented the second time around. Of course, it’s hard to know if any of these theories are true or not. In the meantime, I would advise that you continue on with life as usual until we can be totally sure that this is all some kind of meaningless illusion, at which point you are more than welcome to start binging on crack and hookers. It does raise some interesting questions though, doesn’t it? Questions about the relativistic notions of ‘truth’, the extent to which we all ‘construct’ our own realities, and the … hey wait, come back! I’ll talk about The Matrix some more, I promise. Remember that time Neo fought that other dude wearing the glasses? Oh man, that was sweet.

A prank artist

he world is a horrible place. But amongst all the violence, tyranny, rape, murder, and high fuel prices, there is a group of people who dedicate themselves to making our days just a little bit easier. They are so good at what they do that it isn’t until right at the end that we realise we’ve been tricked, yet we laugh heartily nonetheless. Yes, this week Matthew, I’m going to be a prank artist. To be a true prank artist you need to select a prank that’s appropriate for your audience; a prank that is subtle, funny, and not entirely inappropriate. For example, the classic bucket of water balanced above an open doorway trick would probably not go down so well in Pakistan right now. Look at your audience and work out what they are going to find most relevant and humorous, then select a prank based on that information. The single most important thing in pranking someone is subtlety. A great prank isn’t in your face, it’s subtle. The transition from seriousness to pranking should be so seamless that your victim has no idea that they’re being pranked until it’s all but over. You should always, always, always, make sure that you’re never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. We’ve known each other for so long; your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it. Inside we both know what’s been going on; we know the game and we’re gonna play it. And if you ask me how I’m feeling, don’t tell me you’re too blind to see. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. (Ooh give you up) (Ooh give you up) (Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give (give you up) (Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give (give you up). We’ve known each other for so long; your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it. Inside we both know what’s been going on; we know the game and we’re gonna play it. I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling, gotta make you understand. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

akistan is covered in water and accusations of funding terrorism are rife; the last thing that needed to happen was that their heroes, the Pakistan cricket team, would come under attack in the form of match fixing. This is exactly what has happened, and now every player and every match that Pakistan has been involved with over the past few years is now under scrutiny. The shame is that the latest allegations are around something as insignificant as a couple of no balls; no one is saying the match was thrown. These relatively small incidents have now put Pakistan cricket in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons. That includes that test match in Sydney at the start of the year, which was one of the most blatant incidents of match fixing ever. In 2000, Hansie Cronje was found out to be aiding bookmakers and asking his fellow team mates to help in throwing matches; people were rightly disgusted and he was punished accordingly with a life time ban. The difference between what Cronje did and what the three Pakistanis have done comes down to circumstance. Cronje was a player rated as one of the best in the world at the time, he was paid well. There is sympathy especially for eighteen-year-old Mohammad Amir, with talk of intimidation against him and his family if he didn’t do what he was asked. Those who attack him as being as bad as any other cheat haven’t lived in his circumstances, and former English captain Michal Vaughan is one of those. The thing is that Vaughan has never had to live like Amir has, and the money that would have been offered to Amir would be small change to the member of the Order of the British Empire. Of course action must be taken against any kind of match fixing, it goes against the very idea of sport which basic premise is that the outcome is uncertain. It is this uncertainty that the public pay money for either at the ground or to sit on our couch and watch. Though tackling the issue is a much bigger problem than uncovering it, with hundreds of illegal betting syndicates in India and Pakistan getting to the bottom of the problem is almost impossible. Another problem is match fixing has been around forever. In 1919 the World Series of Baseball was rocked when it was found out that nine players in the Chicago White Sox team threw the series. Even more shocking was the implication of “Shoeless” Joe Jackson, one of the superstars of baseball at the time. That his image has been tarnished ever since shows the hurt it caused. The line “Say it ain’t so Joe” which has become part of baseball lore ever since and still shows the hurt that the incident caused. The hope is that Pakistan recovers from this shock, and that Amir’s name doesn’t become synonymous for what might have been.

31 37

Things To Do Before You Go To Town

(The Metrosexual Edition)

Is it just me or have metrosexuals been increasing dramatically over the past few years? There just seems to be heaps of them around, all dressed up like Ken dolls and seeming to spend more time getting ready than most of the girls.

5. Cologne: In order to impress everyone, you obviously need

to wear at least half a bottle of cologne. That way, the girls will be able to smell you within a 70-metre radius. Many see this as having their nostrils viciously lambasted by what appears to be a mixture of turps, petrol, menthol, and lemon detergent. But fuck them, it’s foreplay baby! 4. Practice Dance Moves: Much like some sort of primitive mating ritual, to impress the ladies you’re gonna need to get those dance moves spot on. The obvious location for this would be in front of the mirror. Practice your ‘Indonesia Shuffle’ or ‘Mongolian Goat Shuffle’ or whatever the fuck you call it – I don’t know. If you see someone in town pulling this shit out (you’ll be able to tell because it looks like a poor attempt at tap dancing) then politely go up to them and ask them to flap their arms like a chicken. It’ll be the funniest thing you’ll see all night. 3. The ‘Three-Quarter Wank’: To get da bitches you need drive. To get drive you need to be frustrated. That’s where the three-quarter wank comes in! A three-quarter wank is when you wank until you’re just about to cum. Then you just stop. Not a stroke longer. Immediately you’ll notice how pissed off you are and you’ll wanna get some pussy ASAP. It’s the competitive edge you need against the other metros. 2. Dress Flamboyantly: It’s not crime to dress nicely when going to town. In fact, it’s probably a wise move to make at least a half-arsed attempt. But if you’re a metrosexual then it’s a FASHION CRIME if you’re not looking absolutely FABULOUS! Be sure to let all the lovely boys around you that you mean business by wearing a tight shirt and some even tighter pants. When choosing a shirt colour, ask yourself, “Does this look like a Care Bear has vomited on it?” If the answer is yes, then buy that shirt immediately! 1. THE HAIR: Nothing takes more time, precision and care to create than THE HAIR. This is an integral part to the metrosexual swank. Of course, the ideal method is to use at least five types of hair product, then use tweezers and a comb to ensure that every single strand of hair is in the right place. After all, it’s not there to keep your head warm. THE HAIR is there to make you look like that sexy minx you so desperately want to be! Hopefully after all that work you won’t have to finish off that three-quarter wank alone in the dark ...

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...

Hello All! Welcome to OUSA’s Women’s Week. I’m Shonelle, the Women’s Rep on the 2010 OUSA Executive, and for one week only I have stolen Harriet’s metaphorical pen to talk about all things womanly. For those who won’t read the rest of this column, I’ll summarise the topics: • Males get paid more • Drunk office girls • Rape/sexual abuse The way women are treated in 2010 is a lot different to 30 years ago. Female Med students can feel safe in the knowledge that they will not get human flesh thrown at them like some women in the 1980s. It doesn’t mean that we live in a Utopian paradise. Male graduates with the exact same degree as a female graduate will get paid more. The first year out of uni, men get paid an average six percent more their female counterparts. In five years this pay gap rises to as much as 20 percent in some professions. This just isn’t fair. Nor is the fact that one in four university women has experienced rape or sexual abuse. The alcohol Advisory Council of New Zealand (ALAC) produced a TV advertisement featuring drunk office girl Lisa, who drinks too much and is then led into a dark alley by a creepy stranger. This ad insinuates that because Lisa was drunk, she put herself be in a position to be raped. You know what’s not a crime? Drinking and being drunk. What is a crime? Rape and sexual abuse. This ad does not show how the majority of rape offences occur. In reality 80-90 percent of the perpetrators of rape are well known to the survivor. You’re more likely to get raped by your boyfriend than a stranger in dark alleyway. Over one third of sexual offences are committed by current partners. I’m not telling you these statistics because I’m an angry manhater. I’m telling you because it’s important that everyone is aware of this. As part of Women’s Week, there are a whole bunch of events lined up. Today, along with a range of speakers, Lesley Elliot is giving a talk, entitled “Sophie’s Story,” about relationships of power and control. Lesley is a mother and an amazing person who is standing up and talking to others about unhealthy relationships in the hope that a tragic event like the death of Sophie Elliot will not be repeated. Come along today in Commerce 2.07 at 3pm; there’ll be nibbles and refreshments provided as well as supper after all the speakers. Thanks for reading,

To our friends and family in Christchurch, we pray for you. Lord, at times like this we realise that the ground beneath our feet is not as solid as we had imagined, we plead for your mercy. As the things they have built crumble around them, we know too well how small we truly are on this ever-changing, ever-moving, fragile place they call home. Yet you have promised never to forget us. Please do not forget us now. Today, so many people are afraid. They wait in fear of the next tremor. They roam the streets in shock at what they see, and they fill the dusty air with wails of fear. Comfort them, Lord, in this disaster. Be their rock when the earth refuses to stand still, and shelter them under your wings when homes no longer exist. Pierce, too, our hearts with compassion, we who watch from afar, as the city pulls together to rebuild what’s left Move us to act swiftly this day, to give generously every day, to work for justice always, and to pray unceasingly for those without hope. And once the shaking has ceased, the images of destruction have stopped filling the news, and our thoughts return to life’s daily rumblings, let us not forget to thank you, the saviour of human life, that in this disaster life was not lost. For though the farmlands leave their place and the buildings be tossed to the ground, your love shall never leave them, and your promise of peace will never be shaken. Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made Heaven and Earth. Blessed be the name of the Lord, now and forever. Amen.

Letter of the Week wins a $30 book voucher CULTURAL IRRELEVANCE

Dear Editor, I think I speak on behalf of anyone not from Christchurch in saying this: get over the fucking earthquake. Yes, we get it. There are cracks in the ground. However, these cracks don’t need hours and hours of news coverage. In fact, they could probably show two or three cracks and that’d suffice. Enough cracks. Secondly, why has there been no nationwide address of the importance of karma in this ‘disaster’. The Dalai Lama wouldn’t even get off the plane when he landed in Chur Chur. With good reason. The place is a shit hole. The only reasons it ever makes the news are prostitutes found in the Avon, new laws to reduce boy racers, and the Crusaders/Canterbury doing well in the footy. The place stinks of cultural irrelevance. A town of white trash bogans, and the (self-proclaimed) high society (see: snobs who’re too poor to be deemed wealthy in Auckland). Maybe this earthquake was a good thing? I believe it was Albert Einstein who said “You can’t solve a problem on the same level you created it”. This quake may have caused enough of a shake up (excuse the pun) of values and norms within the town to hopefully see some change, and a better future for the second biggest city in New Zealand. Regards, Sal Paradise. NO, BUT, 1985

Hi Critic, I’d like to start by congratulating you on the recent birthday issue. Thoroughly enjoyable. I do have two minor complaints. Isn’t reprinting the 1st editorial just a lazy excuse to avoid talking some smack about uni hot topics? Secondly, what was the point of an article about 1985? I mean I get the link - 85 years, 1985. But c’mon, surely you guys are a little more creative than that? Keep up the good work team.

NAH. WAS. CHECK YOUR SOURCE.

Dear Critic, On page 33 of your birthday issue, you spoke of 1985 being “perhaps the most successful year for famous births in New Zealand.” I agree with your assertion that Benji Marshall and SBW rate right up there on the list of mid-8os kids, but Shane Cortese?! WTF?! If that guy is 25 I will eat my own shit. Wikipedia says he was in fact born on August 13, 1968, making him age 42. If you are right and Wiki is wrong I will be super depressed about being the same age as that prick Hayden Bloody Peters. Peace, 80s child. CHE

Awesomest issue ever. Keep sticking it to the ODT. Idiots. -ODT Watch fan STALKER

Dear Matt Chapman, I take great umbridge at your ‘stalker’ column! Just because I dress well, have a ‘legimate’ press-pass and have a secret crush on someone who doesn’t even know that I draw breath - doesn’t make me a stalker! Or does it???? Have I really smoked that much weed that I’m even paranoid about being the dedicated follower??? Yours Confused these Daze PS My camera is flash too! PPS Rhododendron bushes are for wimps who aren’t prepared to scale the dizzying heights, and trees, that this obsession requires! Dearest “Confused these Daze”, After extensively reviewing said column, I was unable to find any umbridge, so unfortunately I am somewhat bemused as to where you might be taking it from. Do not dilly-dally trying to decide if your habits make you a stalker; you cannot just assume the title of stalker, you must earn it. However, I extend my heartiest congratulations to you for also possessing a flash camera; your mother must be so proud. You make a good point with respect to your comment about rhododendron

bushes; however, the most experienced stalkers realise that rhododendron bushes offer significantly more anonymity and camouflage than a tree or “dizzying height”. Furthermore, they offer closer proximity to the subject, resulting in higher quality photos for your ‘observation’. If you find the heights “dizzying” then perhaps you shouldn’t go up there in the first place.  Kindest regards, Matt Chapman GAWKER

To the Anonymous Gay. Please accept my apologies. I intended no offence. I merely wished to highlight my dismay of the one instance where it’s not awesome to be gay (or thought of as such). Of being a straight boy, trying to spark something with a straight girl and having the irritating and unnecessary hurdle of the straight girl thinking I’m into musicals and dinner parties. Other than that, you’re most probably right. Except about the dark muted colours. Unless of course, you’re following Mr. Chapman’s advice on observing the copious swallows in UniCol. *two air kisses* -Ham Lorgelly WEEEIRD

Oh, my wonderfully ‘Pastelly’ Ham’. You are 100% correct about EVERYthing. Well, except the “tie-dyed” part. I’m sorry, but that is just WRONG. So, now I have that out of the way... I DO believe that saying our vows underneath a grey winter Dunedin sky, surrounded by black-wearing depressed individuals would be amusing, if not romantic. But, at the end of the day, (in the words of Tim Shadbolt), “I don’t mind where, as long as I’m there.” It has taken me this long to find you, Ham, and I’m NOT about to lose you now! Can’t wait to meet your mother, From Zara PS I noticed your use of the word “Fall” and suspect that you are American. I hope that this won’t become a problem.

DUNEDIN FILM SOCIETY SCREENING September 15 at 7.30 pm in The Red Lecture Theatre - Rain of the Children - Deeply moving reconstruction of the early life of Puhi, a Tuhoe woman Ward met in 1978 when she was 80. No casuals. Three-movie passes available for $25. See the website for further information: http://dunedinfilmsociety.tripod.com THE REASON THIS PAGE EXISTS

To the prick who stole my bike, Thanks, really, I mean it. Have fun with that rusted peace of crap. The handelbars aren’t align with the front wheel so you have to point constantly to the left if you wanna go in a straight line. Ive tried straightening it but the rust is so bad it doesnt budge. I am a bit gutted though, that bike was my favourite lawn ornament, it stood out from all the bottles and gave my flat’s front lawn real character. Meh, now its your lawn ornament. P.s. You left the seat behind, its in exactly the same place if you wanna come get it Cheers, Grateful Victim

YEAH, NAH

Critic, I was unable to place it at first but now I know where I’ve seen him before! Dan Stride! Edward Scissorhands! This is not me pointing out a flaw, this is me pointing out awesomeness! He is the perfect man for some role in a Tim Burton film. Add a tophat, pseudo-steampunk suit, knives for hands … That’s where you went wrong in your Presidential campaign Dan. No. not Zombie Cat. Evil MASTERMIND. (See you next year then, I guess.) <3 Tim Burton fan P.S: I did actually vote for your, FYI.

THE PRESIDENT READS YOUR LETTERS. LUCKY YOU.

Dear ‘Harriet H8As’ & co, Richard – Are you just lashing out because you aren’t actually an Otago Uni student and didn’t get to vote? James Gluck – would prefer you get the facts straight/actually talk to me before making bold claims. Personally, I don’t support the 90 day bill. I also don’t oppose it. I’m still waiting for NZUSA to get back to me with some research to inform my decision. Not that that matters though, as OUSA has an official standpoint against it and it is my job to follow that. My own opinion only matters in so far as casting votes when setting external policy and once set I advocate that viewpoint. Kenneth – perhaps you should schedule your protests in term time. I was away with Team Otago at Snow Games (which we won! Well done team!) Matt – champ! It was a pretty funny photo. Student apathy complainers – there are many reasons why people don’t get involved. One of which is that it is really hard to get messages through to students and let people know what is going on. This is something I will be working on this year and next and hope that in 2011 we have a greater turnout at elections, and a huge amount more people getting involved and standing for election. If you have ideas I’d love to hear them. Good luck for exams, everyone! Harriet Geoghegan OUSA President Again

STUDENTSOUL Cafe-style church for students service Sunday 19 September 7pm. Theme: Life to the End – Excel School of Performing Arts and Drama – Contact Rev Helen Harray 027 473 0047.

CREATIVE WRITING GROUP A new creative writing group has been started on campus. Email Alec at thelonelyowl@gmail.com for more details. SEMAPHORE MAGAZINE Semaphore is an award-winning, Dunedin-based quarterly magazine that publishes short stories and poetry in the sci-fi and fantasy genres. Curre ntly seeking submissions by New Zeal andbased authors, and work by local artists. More details: semaphoremaga zine. com / semaphoremagazine@gmail.com

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39 games

40 BOOKS

42 MUSIC

45 FOOD

46 FILM

48 PERFORMANCE

49 ART

38 46

Buying a Computer

Buying a new computer can be confusing to the average student. This article will quickly discuss some of the key things to look for. Seeing as this is an article for gaming, we will focus on building a gaming machine. The main component to look for in a gaming machine is the graphics/video card. This is what outputs images to your monitor. Given that most modern games use this component the most heavily, it should be a high priority. The general rule for selection is that the newer the model, and the bigger the numbers listed for it, the better. The other important things to look at are the CPU and memory (RAM). The CPU handles most standard computations. It should be at least a dual-core, and over 2.2GHz. RAM is high-speed, temporary storage for data, and is very important for gaming; though most modern games wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t require all of 4Gb, 2Gb may be too little. We will assume that Windows will be used as this is a gaming rig. XP and Windows 7 are both good, W7 being better for the newest games because of some of the graphical software it supports. Both of these are available in x64 and x32 bit. We wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t delve into what these mean. Simply, if you have fewer than 4Gb of RAM x32 is better, if you have more then 4Gb you need to use x64. A computer is only the sum of its components. All of these should be balanced or else the shit component(s) will slow down the rest. Laptops are more limited component-wise, and therefore not recommended for gaming. Many manufacturers make good desktops; however, you can get a better machine by having one custom-built by people who know what they are doing.

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Moleskine

Rhodia bloc pad

Clairefontaine notebook

Clairefontaine sketchpad

here was a parcel from NoteMaker waiting at my doorstep for me tonight, and that brought a grin to my face. You see, NoteMaker is brilliant stationery webstore based in Australia (but we won’t hold that against them), and I’d been expecting them to send me not one, not two, not three, but four notebooks to review. Yes, notebooks. Like most students, I do a lot of writing. I take notes during lectures and jot down ideas and write lists and compose letters, and despite having a computer and iPhone nearby most of the time, I still prefer good, oldfashioned hand-writing. There is just something charming about how a fountain pen feels, gliding across the page, ink flowing readily from the nib, its colour changing subtly as it dries (but more on all this next week, when I review a few pens!). Similarly, there is just something satisfying about good paper, bound sturdily together in a notebook built to be used for a very, very long time. I’m going to nail my colours to the mast, and admit to being a Moleskine fanboy. It’s the faux leather coating on the firm cardboard covers: they allow these notebooks to survive the rain and enable me to write in them without needing another writing surface. It’s the fine lines on the cream paper: perfectly spaced, unobtrusive lines on paper that’s not obnoxiously bright white and therefore easy on the eyes. It’s the sewn binding that allows the notebook to sit perfectly and effortlessly flat while open. It’s the elastic band that keeps the book tightly shut in my bag. It’s the ribbon bookmark that helps me find the next blank page quickly. It’s the little expandable pocket on the inside of the back cover, where I put my stamps and temporarily store important notes and receipts. Believe me, I’ve tried to find a cheaper replacement, but even the Moleskine clones leave me dissatisfied (though Piccadilly notebooks come really close). So, the first notebook in the parcel – a limited edition “large” (a shade slimmer than A5) hardback lined Moleskine Woodstock 40th Anniversary notebook – is a no-brainer. It’s good. Indeed, this particular edition of the classic Moleskine notebook has one up on previous runs: in my other Moleskines, the first line is always too close to the top of the page, rendering it pretty much useless (unless you’re into writing headers in your notebooks). Not so for this special edition they sent me. Let’s hope future runs of standard Moleskine notebooks follow suit. Despite my unabashed praise, Moleskines aren’t perfect. The paper might be aesthetically pleasing, but they’re not fountain pen-friendly. Ink bleeds through the paper quite easily, even when I’m writing with an extra fine nib. I can still write on both sides of each page, but it’s not ideal as reading is less fluent than if ink didn’t seep through. Of course, this isn’t a problem at all if you’re writing with a ballpoint pen or a pencil. I’m reviewing the Moleskine notebook qua notebook, but of course, the plain ones make brilliant sketchbooks. There’s a lot of Moleskine art (affectionately dubbed moleskinerie) on the Web: google it. The second notebook in the pile is almost the exact opposite of the first. The Clairefontaine Essentials Life Unplugged notebook comes

NoteMaker has been kind enough to offer Critic readers a ten percent discount. Just type in the code OTAGOSTUDENTS at checkout, and you’re good to go. Do it, and let me know how you went.

with absolutely brilliant paper ... in more ways than one. On the plus side, Clairefontaine paper is made from pulp sourced from certified sustainable forests. So, it’s environmentally (relatively) happy paper. Furthermore, it’s beautiful to write on. Even cheap fountain pens absolutely glide across the page. Ink neither bleeds through nor feathers (which can be a problem with Moleskines), but it doesn’t dry particularly quickly either, which is not ideal if you want to write and shut your book quickly (or are a leftie). On the flip side, it’s brilliant white. Not too white for most people, probably, but it’s certainly not as pleasant as the gentle cream Moleskine paper. Still, the subtle blue lines and comfortably wide spacing makes for great writing paper. Alas, great writing paper does not a great notebook make. The cardboard covers on the Clairefontaine are not nearly as usefully rigid as those on the Moleskine, and while the cloth binding is aesthetically pleasing, it doesn’t allow the notebook to open up nicely and lay flat. So, as a notebook, it’s still the Moleskine for me. And just as I was thinking that Clairefontaine paper on a nice A5 notepad would be ideal ... I noticed the third book in the pile. I wish I had two Rhodia #16 (A5) Bloc Pads: one for my desk at work, and one for my bag. At work, it sits next to my keyboard, open and ready for me to scribble notes and lists onto. The Clairefontaine paper is pre-perforated on the Rhodia bloc pads, so I can easily tear away what I’ve written to take with me if I need to. I’ve also been writing letters and short notes to mail on the Rhodia, but I prefer to do this in cafés (or otherwise outside the lab), which is why another pad would be handy. Time to place an order with NoteMaker ... The other pad they sent me was the Clairefontaine Graf it 909 Sketch 41lb, which is an A5 sketchpad. As such, it’s plain, rather than ruled, and the paper’s not all silky smooth for optimal fountain pen writing. It comes with a hard cardboard back, which is handy if you have a penchant for whipping out sketchpads to draw while crossing roads or something (I don’t recommend that); and like the Rhodia notepad (same company, by the way), the pages come handily perforated. I’ve not used this one much, mostly because I don’t do much drawing (and I have a plain Moleskine notebook for that too). Of course, there are plenty of notebooks on the market; there are plenty of notepads and sketchpads too. Indeed, there are plenty more Moleskine, Clairefontaine, and Rhodia products, most of which are available at NoteMaker (and its affiliates). The purpose of this review then, isn’t to provide an exhaustive survey of all your stationery options, but to point out that stationery doesn’t end with Smiggle. There are plenty of great options for notebooks and notepads and sketchpads, and they are readily available online without having to break the bank. These products I’ve reviewed here are considerably more expensive than most notebooks, but I think their worth the extra price. You might disagree, but there’s only one way to find out.

f you have a more than passing familiarity with the Dunedin music scene, you’re no doubt aware of the way in which bursts of new bands, moments of creativity and excitement, and a thrilling feeling of Dunedin being the centre of the musical world come and go in waves every three or four years; and maybe (hopefully) you’re aware that Dunedin’s music community is currently riding a healthy crest of another one of these waves. Mr. Biscuits’ members are at the perfect age (half of them are still only 19) to have not had to endure the dullness of novelty joke bands and bands with just a little too much rockquest x-factor during one of these dips, while at the the same time being the perfect age at which to learn from and take advantage of the growing, unnameable thing that’s been happening in our city over the last year or so. Along with the noisy-fucker-youngens bands on Proxy Music – a DIY label that acts more like an arts collective and is home to Dunedin’s TFF, Sewage, and The Communist Rainbow Relationship – Mr. Biscuits did exactly what was expected of a young punk band from Dunedin and got out and played shows. Lots and lots of really, really good shows. I’ve lost count of how many I’ve seen, and every single one of them ended in something or someone being destroyed. After winning this year’s OUSA Battle of the Bands down at Refuel in May (no surprises there), as part of the prize, the band – made up of Sarah Ley-Hamilton on vocals, her brother Richard on guitar, Adrian Ng also on guitar, and Sam Valentine on drums – gets to play at this year’s Onefest Part One alongside Grayson Gilmour, Surf City, Orchestra of Spheres and the should-also-be-huge Thundercub at ex-meatmarket Urban Factory on 17 September. On the most beautiful day of the year so far I had a chat with Sarah and Sam. One thing became clear early on in what turned from an interview into a this-and-that discussion of Dunedin music, the modern music industry, and being a young music dude/dudette: young though they may be, they are very focused, knowledgeable, and (I hate using this word, but fuck it) passionate about it all. The band got together earlier this year, wrote some songs about annoying people, passed out on stage sometimes, broke a lot of stuff, and left blood stains in some carpet. They don’t have a bassist, instead relying on Richard’s guitar-octave pedal combo. Sam explains: “I organised a gig with Rackets and Adrian was going to be away ... and at the time I was really obsessed with The Mint Chicks who had just lost their bass player and had gone down to a three-piece. In my fascination with The Mint Chicks I was like, ‘Richard, you can play guitar with an octave pedal too!’” What’s annoying to hear is the band claim to have a bad practice routine. Songs are given a vague structure, are generally practiced live on stage, and are given form and a more solid structure after maybe the third or fourth performance, so what you’re seeing can be a one-off performance: a unique experience that adds to the excitement. It’s a lot of fun watching them step so close to the edge of a cliff during these performances, yet never stumble off it. What’s even more annoying than that is realising that these dudes know so much already about certain aspects of the NZ music industry. We talked at length about the NZOA funding scheme. Sam: “Firstly, you don’t need 50 grand to make an album. Secondly, if it’s your fifth album and you still can’t afford to fund it yourself, you obviously suck.” Mr Biscuits has a free live EP available for download through its Bandcamp (mrbiscuits. bandcamp.com) and by the time this article will have gone to print, the band will have started work on a collection of studio recordings. Recording will be local mixoligist god Rob Falconer of Operation Rolling Thunder. This was another part of the prize from the Battle of the Bands (Sarah on winning the competition: “You can’t be happy with your band’s success in Dunedin.”), and the plan is to record a set live from beginning to end. Just like the good old days! The recordings will be released DIY. Until then, they will be doing what’s (un)expected of them: playing those songs that sound like someone dropped a Gits record onto a chainsaw and lots of sweaty, filthy shows. They have plans of touring in October but before then, make sure you see them at Onefest. They claim to be nervous about the show. No idea why.

Mr. Biscuits play Radio One Onefest Night One along with indie rock masters Surf City, So So Modern mastermind Grayson Gilmour, the lush and imaginative Orchestra of Spheres, and fellow Dunedin local gods Thundercub on Friday September 17th at Urban Factory. Free with your 2010 Radio One Card.

The final night in Radio One’s Onefest series for 2010 draws together soul-inspired low-end theorists from across Aotearoa. Their renown is booming by the day. You will doubtless hear their talents expounded in articles and interviews in the future – but, for now, here are their words on records and gear that they just really fucking like.

Isaac Aesili (Karlmarx)

Favourite Record: Stevie Wonder – Songs In The Key Of Life. This revolutionised recorded music in general. It taught me the depth of soul music and the diversity of the funk, as well as being a micro philosophy for life and love personally. Favourite Musical Gear: Micro Korg. So small, but so phat – the allrounder that has brought the right vibe to so many of my songs. Woosh (Nightshade)

Favourite Record: Massive Attack – Blue Lines. Classic! Favourite Musical Gear: Cajon Drum. I first discovered this at WOMAD. Kalo [other member of Nightshade] made me one by hand for my birthday last year! Ghost

Favourite Record: DJ Shadow – Endtroducing (for home-listening); Mr Scruff – Cheeky (for the club). Picking one only is virtually impossible, so here are two. I keep coming back to Endtroducing, I can say quite honestly that record changed my life! And Cheeky is such a feel-good tune – I love playing that out! Favourite Musical Gear: Vintage Rhodes. I don’t own one, yet, but I’d love to! What a sound. Booof

Favourite Record: Shuggie Otis – Inspiration/Information. Shuggie turned down playing with the Rolling Stones and David Bowie, recorded this opus when he was 20, and then chose to fade into obscurity rather than compromise his musical ideal. My hero. Best Musical Gear: Sony CD Walkman. Best $25 I ever spent. Fuck an iPod. 43

n a continuation of last week’s French theme and Meryl-Streep-movie mania, I went hunting for this recipe after watching It’s Complicated. The Croque Monsieur, which loosely translates as ‘crispy/crunchy mister’, is basically a fancy toasted ham and cheese sandwich. Not being cheese-crazy, I wasn’t sure that I would like it, but thought it was worth a try. Our first attempt was delicious, albeit somewhat rustic looking because we couldn’t cut the ciabatta into nice even slices. The sandwich was nice and crunchy around the edges, but soft and cheesy in the middle, giving it an interesting, somewhat unusual texture. The mustard gave the sandwich the critical piquancy required to cut the richness of the butter and cheese, thus resulting in a great balance of flavours. On our second attempt, we tried to use normal, thick cut pre-sliced bread, and it turned out too dense and soggy because the bread wasn’t dry enough. Of course, this was after we had decided to make double the amount we had the first time. Ugh, not pleasant. So, moral of the story, get the good stuff.

Croque Monsieur (http://bit.ly/cdUDVe) INGREDIENTS • 2 Tbsp butter • 2 Tbsp flour • 1 1/2 cups milk • A pinch each of salt, freshly ground pepper, and nutmeg, or more to taste • 6 ounces Gruyère cheese, grated (about 1 1/2 cups grated) • 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese (packed) • 8 slices of French or Italian loaf bread • 12 ounces ham, sliced • Dijon mustard METHOD • Preheat oven to 200°C. • Make the béchamel (white) sauce. Melt butter in a small saucepan on medium/low heat until it just starts to bubble. Add the flour and cook, stirring until smooth, about two minutes. Slowly add the milk, whisking continuously, cooking until thick. Remove from heat. Add the salt, pepper, and nutmeg. Stir in the Parmesan and 1/4 cup of the grated Gruyère. Set aside. • Lay out the bread slices on a baking sheet and toast them in the oven, a few minutes each side, until lightly toasted. For extra flavour you can spread some butter on the bread slices before you toast them if you want. (Alternatively, you can assemble the sandwiches as follows in step four and grill them on a skillet, finishing them in the broiler with the béchamel sauce.) • Lightly brush half of the toasted slices with mustard. Add the ham slices and about 1 cup of the remaining Gruyère cheese. Top with the other toasted bread slices. • Spoon on the béchamel sauce to the tops of the sandwiches. Sprinkle with the remaining Gruyère cheese. Place on a broiling pan. Bake in the oven for 5 minutes, then turn on the broiler and broil for an additional three to five minutes, until the cheese topping is bubbly and lightly browned.

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The Expendables

Directed by Sylvester Stallone Hoyts, Rialto

With an ‘80s action star line up of Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis, as well as Randy Couture (UFC fighter), “Stone Cold” Steve Austin (WWF), Jason Statham (Crank), and for the hell of it, Mickey Rourke, The Expendables is one full on balls-out of a trip. With such a mega-star line up, expectations for this one are high especially as it’s Arnie’s first movie in over six years. I am sorry to say, guys, that Arnie doesn’t get his fight on. If you combine the rescue plot of Rambo (2008) with balls-to-the-wall action including car chases, gun and knife fights, buildings being blown up, and a double-crossing team member, you have The Expendables. The story is a little more thought-out than your typical cheesy action film, but it does not fail to deliver in terms of sheer graphic destruction. The film also uses CGI that includes a little bit of gore but not to the extent that it strays from its ‘80s action roots. Stallone has been critical of Hollywood’s dependency on digital visual effects and how it is threatening to make things “un-relatable.” This is a macho movie, but in a good way. Over the years I’ve noticed with action films that men are starting to become more suave and fashion conscious within action films. There’s none of that junk in The Expendables; they are cold-hearted, kick-ass, tough-as-nails mercenaries with balls..

Tomorrow When The War Began

Directed by Stuart Beattie Hoyts, Rialto

Based on the series of books by John Marsden, the film follows a string of rural teenagers who ‘go bush’ on the weekend their country gets invaded. Consequently, they are not captured and return home to find their dogs dead, the power off, and their farms deserted. After a whole lot of arguing, they decide to take action and scope out exactly what’s happening in the small town of Wirrawee. The story is about young people and how they would react given a terrible challenge or danger. The author was perhaps determined to show that this generation is not ‘soft’. Unfortunately in some points the movie takes this to the extreme, giving it a Rambo-esque feel which is just cringeworthy. Although it his first time in the director’s chair, Stuart Beattie is an established screenwriter, his repertoire including the Pirates of the Caribbean series. It is this style of humour that comes through in the cut of the film, which jumps from action sequence to comic relief and back again a bit too consistently. The action sequences themselves are rather explosion-happy, and they take close calls to an all new blatantly unrealistic level. As a result the characters appear quite stupid, and it’s a shame that what is obviously supposed to heighten suspense ends up ruining what a movie by its nature should be able to do so much better than a book. What is well done is the balance of characters. Even though there are really eight main personalities, they each get a relatively even amount of screen time and the audience is not left wondering about anyone, or unsure of who they all are. The portrayal of Robyn as an inhaler-wielding, overly-religious introvert seemed totally stereotypical and unfair, however. Overall, it’s not completely dreadful, it just could have been a lot better.

Going The Distance

Directed by Nanette Burstein Hoyts, Rialto

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long are a happy new couple in New York City who tempt fate by choosing to remain in an exclusive relationship when her newspaper internship expires and she has to return to San Francisco. Going The Distance gets plenty of mileage mining the common pitfalls and tribulations of long-distance couples, and at its best is clever, funny, and entertaining. Although the film is not groundbreaking or exceptional in any way, rom-com enthusiasts and date-night couples will probably enjoy it. Garret (Long) just broke up with a crazy girlfriend and is out boozing with his guy friends, Jason Sudeikis and Charlie Day, when he meets Erin (Barrymore) who turns out to be the famous ‘ERL’ who has all the highest scores on the Centipede arcade console. Erin, 31, is struggling as an intern at the New York Sentinel, hoping it will turn into a real job and begin her dream career as a journalist. They begin dating, but when it’s time for her to return to Stanford for grad school, they realise that the summer fling has turned into something more serious than they had expected. So they go the distance and try to make it work, and in general the film works. Barrymore is strong, rom-com veteran that she is, and Long performs well alongside her. But the supporting cast does a lot of favours for Going The Distance with the standouts being Charlie Day and his patented brand of toilet humor, and Christina Applegate as Erin’s protective older sister. Beneath Hill 60

Directed by Jeremy Sims Rialto

Australian actor-turned-director Jeremy Sims makes his directing debut with wonderful style. This WWI film embodies everything that is good about war, if that can be said. In 1917, near Ypres in Belgium, both the Fritz and the Allies were deadlocked with neither conceding or acquiring new ground. Something needed to be done; something different. So the Brits called on their trusty Commonwealth compadres, the Australians. Enlisting civilian miners into a specialist body called the Australian Tunneling Corps, they dig deep beneath a huge German base and embark on an amazing mission which was, up until now, somewhat unsung. The film does an excellent job of the difficult task of conveying the scale and brutality of trench warfare. It seems that many war films these days neglect the script in order to pump resources into replicas and realism. There’s no doubt that a film like Saving Private Ryan is a gem but the budget was astronomical and it had to be everything it was. Beneath Hill 60, however, due to its more pragmatic budget and bravado from its first-time director, is full of tiny throw-backs, references, and Australian dialogue which to a New Zealander or Australian, quite simply, sounds like home. These are noteworthy elements of the film because not since Mel Gibson was cool some 30 years ago, and starred in the Australian WW1 film Gallipoli, has this genre been so poignant for the Australian viewer. Moreover, the cast is excellent and the film never leaves the viewer behind. As an Australian perhaps I am somewhat subjective when rating a film based on Australians kicking some serious German arse. On the other hand, when viewed on filmmaking merit alone, the cinematography is superb, the narrative enchanting and the experience very real indeed.

LTT Review: Sunday Roast

By Thomas Sainsbury Directed by Paul Rothwell Starring Caitlin McNaughton, Alex Wilson, Caitlin McNaughton, Alex Wilson, Alex Wilson, Caitlin McNaughton, Alex Wilson, and Alex Wilson.

his is perhaps the first time I have heard a LTT audience cheer at the end of a performance. Today they cheered, we cheered … yes, I cheered. It deserved cheering. This performance of Sunday Roast saw two actors play eight characters, each with their own signature posture, voice and mannerisms – from Diane Cry-ane to an ailing elderly gentleman afflicted with gout and heartburn, to a ‘sexed-up’ thirteen-year-old girl, Sunday Roast had it all. Rothwell did a fantastic job directing this piece. First of all, he chose a piece that would challenge him and allow him to really hone his skills as a director. Secondly, he developed a simple yet very effective stage design and, thirdly, he cast his piece well and appears to have invested a lot of time and effort in his actors. This is all very commendable and resulted in the performance of a piece that managed to enhance the humour inherent in the script, not only doing it justice but bringing it into its own, showcasing precisely the comic and sharp writing of Sainsbury. Rothwell’s stage was simple. Two sets of wings and an empty stage – apart from two wooden dining chairs, that is. These chairs were simple and effective and all the play needed. The actors interacted with the chairs, moving them and endowing the stage space as multiple rooms and vehicles. A particular favourite of mine was the quadbike driven by the butch female chef Courtney. The actors were incredible. Wilson, an actor who I often find to be hit-and-miss, was in his element. This script and this style of acting let him shine. When he is cast well he can be an exceptional performer. Wilson’s focus and dedication never faltered throughout Sunday Roast and his physical commitment to the roles he took on was thrilling to watch. Similarly McNaughton was delightful, and with only three characters to play against Wilson’s five, she really relished the task of creating the characters she played. McNaughton is a very talented performer and I look forward to seeing her on the LTT stage. Not only were the actors engaging on their own but they were paired well together and supported each other throughout the performance. As the piece went on the pair must have become exhausted, but they supported each other and pushed each other. McNaughton and Wilson were a very exciting pair to watch. My favourite section was from the very end. As the lights faded we saw seven of the characters gnawing on the meat and bones of the eighth. The actors slipped between their characters seamlessly as they proved to us that they knew their roles inside out. This piece was great. I simply cannot say that enough.

Patrick Hartigan

Family Brett McDowell Gallery Until September 23

Family is a collection of new works by Sydney artist Patrick Hartigan, his first New Zealand exhibition since moving to Dunedin. Hartigan’s paintings are impassive, ambiguous, and some can be quite haunting. Apart from one medium-sized work, the paintings are small. Only when you get closer to the works do you realise there is something missing. The faceless portraits in many of Hartigan’s works exemplify his deadpan style. It is not a certain perceptiveness to human emotion, or his use of colour or detail that draw you in to Hartigan’s works, but rather the strange absence of emotion or any sort of human connection that we are used to seeing in painted portraits or family albums. The ‘family’ theme of the exhibition brings together snapshots of what seems to be a quiet and simple life. Family members and home interiors are rendered in swift, thick brushwork, blocks of muted colour, and thin watercolour washes prevent the appearance of a complicated existence through a passive lack of detail, delicacy, bright colours, or overt technical expressivity. The banal ‘home photography’ compositions, with squared perspectives and imperfect second-hand frames, give the works the impression of having being pulled straight from a family home, but there is also something disturbing about Hartigan’s figures. The work At Home (2009) resembles a candid photograph taken at a grandparents’ home, but the faces of the three figures are just blobs of paint that blend in with the pale pink interior, appearing like ghosts in limbo their own living room. The facelessness of Hartigan’s subjects, including the anodyne front-on portraits of Dunedin cottages, makes you question: what kinds of lives are hidden beneath the picture surface? Your eye can run over the works several times searching for evidence of relationships, personality, or affection, but what you find are the outlines of anonymous lives and detachment. Amusingly the only face in which I found emotional expression was in the tiny watercolour of the family dog. Even the few portraits that permit their subjects facial features are still wooden. However, this separation between viewer and subject does not detract from the works. The simplicity and familiarity of the images are honest without being sentimental. They are undemanding of the viewer yet somehow absorbing.