Welcome back, everyone! I hope you’ve all had a very well earned and restful semester break. It’s been a bit of a ghost town in Dunedin, with most people taking advantage of the break to ditch the frosty flats and either hit the ski slopes or your parents’ pantries and power bills. While you’ve been gone, Critic has been scheming juicy new content ideas for your reading pleasure – and procrastination.
This semester, I’ll be making good on the promise – or threat, depending on how you look at it – I made in the first issue’s editorial of scrapping Moaningful Confessions. I explained how the column had been going downhill for a while behind the scenes, both suffering from a lack of submissions and taste. But without a good alternative last semester, it clung on for dear life, propped up by one or two stories from a particularly open friend of mine.
What could ever replace it? Where else will you get your fix of voyeurism-based entertainment? I’m so glad you asked. As I said, while you lot have been away and Critic’s stands have lay dormant, we took advantage of the quiet to meticulously plan a new column. Back for its second season (the first running in 2020) the team at Critic Te Ārohi brings you: Critic Bachelor.
We’ve been searching for the perfect bachelor candidate all year, and struck gold with Joel Tebbs: charismatic, enthusiastic, and a true adventurer. After one meeting with him, I was sure he’d have lads and ladies falling over each other for the chance to win his hand.
While the first Critic bachelor seemed to be a reluctant one, Joel genuinely seems open to the possibility of finding someone – a rare trait among students. In response to my question over $4 lunch: “Are you looking for love?” he immediately replied, “Yeah!”
Donning our reality TV producer caps, Evie and I have made the most of our downtime to scheme twists and turns that’ll be sure to keep you entertained. There’s even a spreadsheet. Keep an eye out on our socials (@criticmag) for updates and opportunities to participate as the column unfolds.
Generally, the column will run much like a TV series. Think of each column as an “episode”, as Joel will go on a series of group and single dates, with singles being knocked out of the competition one by one as he searches for “the one”. In a town where sleeping with a stranger is more common than going on a coffee date, I’m genuinely hopeful that love blossoms during the show. Wouldn’t that be nice?
You can find the first column of the Critic Bachelor at the back of this issue, where the lovely Hanna Varrs – budding columnist and Hypocriticals band frontwoman – has written a profile on him, with the invitation to apply to be a single if he sounds like the man of your dreams.
NINA BROWN
Daddy Grant Graces the Vice Chancellor’s Throne 6
SPCA Investigates Claims of Expo Animal Abuse 7
Student Exec Turn In Second Quarterly Reports 8
OUSA Referendum Results Are In 10
All Aboard the Contiki School Bus 11
OUSA Criticises Residential Tenancies Amendment Bill 11
OUSA Student Support Has New Digs 12
Otago Uni Releases Statement on Free Speech 12
CULTURE
The 23rd Annual Critic Fish and Chip Review 18
FEATURES
Critic Census 2024 26
COLUMNS
Critic Bachelor 36
Local Produce 39
Debatable 41
Mi Goreng Graduate 42
Booze Reviews 43
Exec Column 44
Horoscopes 45
Snap of the Week 46
LETTERS
LETTER OF THE WEEK
Salutations Critic,
I am a first time emailer; i’ve never been Pushed to such lengths before, however, I can stay silEnt no longer. There is a typo in the crossword of the crossword issue…. 38A should be bolded, as a clue that was hiddeN within the magazine. I’m starting to wonder if this Is on purpose? Here’s hoping this letter is not swamped by the surely countless others discussing the same iSsue.
Sincerely,
Not overly involved but wants a book voucher pls
Editor’s response: Looks like we’re Starting the crossword errOr count at Zero this semester!
Kia
Ora Critic,
We know what you’re doing. Every week my friend and I attempt to find all 10 differences in the spot the difference, and every week we find only 9. This can’t possibly be a coincidence. Please tell us we aren’t crazy.
Yours sincerely,
Puzzle page lovers x
letters
a lot of freedom. I'll let everyone in on a little critic secret: AI writes half of our stuff. What, you think "Jordan Irvine" is a real person? Nah, we've trained an AI on thousands of breatha conversations.
Is this what you wanted Nina? Is this the letter you have asked us for? What you really wanted?
Editor’s response: Look harder x
Kia ora Critic,
I was completing the crossword last issue, when I came upon 16D, which had many options (assuming my 14/18 across answers are correct). Therefore, I present: a haiku for the crossword.
(16D) Great exam stress relief
Take a walk and wail as you wade through the warm wave(s).
Instead? Have a wank.
Love, A crossword enthusiast
I have been told this guarantees publication, which I feel gives me
- Critic writer who is fed-up with the lies.
Editor's response: I guess this is what I get for asking the staff chat to fill the gap in the letters to the editor section
Dear Editor,
I wanted to commend the "Local Produce" column in Critic Te Ārohi. It’s a fantastic showcase of Dunedin’s vibrant music scene, and Jordan Irvine’s talent shines through in every piece. The insightful reviews and interviews offer a deeper connection to our local bands and musicians. Jordan’s work truly enriches our understanding and appreciation of Dunedin’s creative heartbeat. Keep up the excellent work! Best regards,
definitely not an AI
The Perc café is moving into UniPol, set to open on August 1
Cutlers has been fined $6,450 by the Tenancy Tribunal for failing to provide compliant smoke alarms for a Heriot Row flat that nearly suffered “catastrophic” fire damage in 2022
A “vindicated” Siouxsie Wiles will be compensated $20k by Auckland Uni after they failed as her employer to protect her from “negative backlash” during the pandemic, ruled the Employment Court
Edinburgh Realty has co opted the Capping Show’s Scarfieland title to market studentville flats to students – speculated to be the company they based the show’s villains on
The University football team triumphed over the Dunedin City Royals to make the quarter finals of the national Chatham Cup football tournament. Unfortunately they are up against Auckland City FC…good luck boys
Everyone say “hi” to Critic’s new photographer, Kevin Wang!
Aquinas’ new 66-bed extension officially opened during the semester break, following a string of major construction delays
Dunedin Justice for Palestine are continuing to hold weekly Saturday rallies, marching from the Otago Museum Lawn to the Octagon from 1pm (note: this has changed from 2pm)
New World Gardens were selling 18 eggs for $8 dollars exclusively on the Monday of O-Week. The remnants can be found on the footpath outside the Ori venue.
Woof! raised $13,700 for the Palestine Children’s Relief Fund through two quiz nights, with each dollar going towards medical care for children injured by the Israeli invasion of Gaza
Massey Uni has condemned genocide in a statement to Massive, following months of student protest
Radio One has two new staff: Fi (programme director) and Logan (music director)
spo rts
The Men’s and Women’s basketball clubs have combined to make one club affiliated under OUSA as the University of Otago Basketball Club
Keen to be a Unipol group fitness instructor? Apply before July 14th for their upcoming course! The course runs on July 19th and 21st, costing $70 if your application is accepted. Head to the group fitness page on the Uni’s website for more info
clubS
The All Blacks won their first game against England at Forsyth Barr Stadium 16 - 15 on Saturday, July 6th
Unipol is running free group fitness classes for the first two weeks of the semester! If you’ve been wanting to try out some classes, this is your chance from July 15 - 28
Daddy Grant
Graces the Vice Chancellor’s Throne
“Lot of challenges but there’s loads of opportunities”
July 1st marked Ōtākou Whakaihu Waka’s freshly minted Vice Chancellor Grant Robertson’s first day on the job. The former OUSA President and Deputy Prime Minister has had a busy first couple weeks of welcomes, meetings, and media attention, telling the Uni Council at his first meeting last Tuesday that he’s looking forward to “getting on with the job past the welcome phase.”
Grant squeezed in some time between morning and afternoon welcoming events to answer some media questions. Sheltered under the Clocktower from the rain (a classic Dunedin welcome) Grant spoke to reporters from Critic Te Ārohi, the Otago Daily Times and the NZ Herald about his upcoming role.
“Unsurprisingly, there’s quite a few meetings, which seems to go with the job,” Grant said. “Very much the next couple of weeks [will be] getting my feet under the desk, getting on top of the current issues that we’ve got and starting to look ahead to the rest of the year.”
Asked what he thinks the biggest challenges facing the university are at the moment, Grant replied: “Everyone’s pretty clear on the financial challenges that all universities are facing, not just Otago, and we’ve still gotta work our way through those but there’s a good plan in place to deal with that.”
Speaking to the recent news from the Tertiary Eductation Commission proposing that universities could raise tertiary fees by up to 6% next year, Grant said it’ll be up to every university to make its decision based on its budget, keeping in mind the financial positions of students as well. “We’ll take some time to consult on that,” said Grant.
By Nina Brown Editor // critic@critic.co.nz
A priority for Grant will be in maintaining the good reputation of the University to “make sure we’ve got a good crop of students coming in 2025, both international and domestic.” Having returned from holiday only recently, Grant said that Otago Uni received a mention on a Loch Ness boat trip for its DNA project conducted about the mythical lake monster. “Every single day, thousands of tourists hear about Otago University. That’s a great story. So for me, yep there’s a lot of challenges but there’s loads of opportunities.”
Grant’s message to students is that he’s “delighted to be here and I’m looking forward to meeting as many as possible, as soon as possible.” In April, he met with OUSA Student Exec, including reps from the Māori and Pasifika student associations, whom he says gave him “lots of food for thought.”
“So I’m really looking forward to spending as much time as I can with students. To me, that’s an important part of the job. Obviously I'm busy with the administration of the university, but the university only exists because of and for students so my message is that I know that and I’m keen to be working together.”
Speaking at his first Uni Council meeting last Tuesday, Grant said it was an unexpected “honour and privilege” to once again be sat at the table where he served as the student representative in 1993 – gesturing to a beaming Keegan who currently sits in that role. Students graduating this coming August will get the chance to hear from the man himself, with Grant scheduled to be one of the speakers there.
SPCA Investigates Claims of Expo Animal Abuse
There weren’t even any chinchillas
A recent ‘Exotic Pet Expo’ in the North East Valley has caused community uproar as allegations of false advertising and animal abuse pour in from community members. Organiser Amelia Seales, who has run the event twice before, has firmly denied any wrong-doing.
The expo, held on the weekend of July 5th, had been advertised as an educational event fit for a fun family outing for just $8 per person. The Facebook event page read, “Our Expo is a great chance for you and your kids to come and learn about the different introduced exotic pets found around NZ.” The page promised reptiles, aquatics, amphibians, birds/poultry, mice, rats, chinchillas, rabbits, cats, and guinea pigs. One attendee told Critic that there were no chinchillas to be found, with “the most exotic animal being a munchkin cat.”
The under-delivery of promised exotic species was just the tip of the iceberg. A student who had been invited to run a stall on the day told Critic of their disappointment at the poorly organised event. Arriving on the first day of the expo, they said they had assumed that the relatively empty warehouse meant the event was behind on set up. “Lots of the tables [were] just empty second-hand tanks for sale, presumably so that the place doesn’t look as empty,” said one Facebook commenter.
“It never really improved throughout the day,” the stallholder told Critic. “The event was held in a large shed with a concrete floor and was extremely cold. I was wearing boots, wool socks, wool tights, three layers on top, a jacket, gloves and a hat and I was freezing. There was no heating.”
Much of the community's concern has centred around the mistreatment of animals witnessed by attendees, claiming the animals were “clearly very stressed”. The stallholder said, “There were several black plastic bins, each with several large turtles in them, open for people to touch and grab. I witnessed people pull them out of the water, hold them under the water and a child get bitten by one.” The stallholder felt “upset and disturbed”, feeling “awful” for advertising the event to their customers. They did not return for the second day of the expo.
Speaking to Critic Te Ārohi about the flak she has received, Amelia said, “I’m honestly gutted. After the expo I went home and cried. I’m kind of numb to it now […] it’s been really tough and definitely
By Hanna Varrs Contributor // news@critic.co.nz
not the way I wanted the expo to turn out.” Continuing, she said, “Most of the comments being said about me are not true […] I am very passionate about my animals, I spend hours every day caring for them. If people actually got to know me they would know I’m very passionate about animals.”
Amelia claimed that no negative feedback was given in person at the show. Instead, she pointed toward the fact that the majority of feedback was circulated online by people who “don’t like” or have “personal vendettas against” her. Community members expressed frustration that Amelia seemed to be deleting feedback on the Exotic Pet Expo Facebook page, one questioning why she would “delete the reviews if [she had] nothing to hide?”
Despite Amelia’s claims that no negative feedback was given in person, Critic was referred to an audio recording of an attendee approaching Amelia and another staff member to request a refund. In the clip, the attendee complains of “people poking cats through cages” and the mistreatment of reptiles. Amelia responds by asking the complainant's name, questioning if they were the “bitch making posts about me on Facebook,” and saying, “You’re not getting a fucking refund off of me, you can fuck off.” According to other sources, Amelia believes that the clip has been edited.
One community member, told Critic Te Ārohi that while Amelia had previous run-ins with the community, things “truly escalated within the community when she started her store, ‘Scales, Feathers, Fins and Fur’. Not only was it incredibly unhygienic and malodorous, but the animals were also left in horrifically cramped conditions.” She explained that some of the animals were left to roll in their own waste, while members of the public were encouraged to come in and handle them. The store has since shut down, but not before a dog attack occurred due to mishandling, allegedly landing a 14-year-old employee in hospital.
The matter is now in the SPCA’s hands, with numerous reports having been made after the event. When asked for comment, Inspectorate Team Leader Jamie Hancock said, “SPCA has received seven complaints from individuals concerned about animal welfare relating to this event. As inquiries are underway no further comment is available.”
Student Exec Turn In Second Quarterly Reports
Well, most of them
Is it that time already? OUSA second quarterly reports are in (most of them), and we’re here to give you an insight into what our student dictators have been doing/not doing in the time you’ve been pilfering snacks from your parents' pantry. Buckle up for a rootin’ tootin’ ride down the roller coaster of bureaucracy which Critic Te Ārohi has painstakingly suffered through to give you these summaries (less is more, Liam).
Te Rōpū Māori Tumuaki Gemella sent her apologies for her report being late, and Finance and Strategy Officer Abby’s report was nowhere to be seen, having apparently fallen off the edge of the earth. Since student reps are elected roles, and paid through honorariums that depend on quarterly reports as proof of them completing the duties of those roles, Critic suggests Abby gets her A into G – and in cellphone range.
Keegan: Madam/Daddy President, Granola Girl & Silly Guy
Email response time: 6 minutes
Keegan’s had a busy second quarter. 25 committees, and she’s only cried once in a meeting this year. Keegan continues to take to her duties with zest, consistently working towards a long list of goals including international student pastoral care, making progress on a student bar (no updates cos of “commercial sensitivity”), band spaces for student practices (*cough* Hypocriticals), and a potential Unipol bouldering gym.
As the official public spokesperson for OUSA, Keegan has had plenty of media attention this quarter – not just from Critic. Things became heated when she wrote an op-ed for the Herald, prompting some light cyber-bullying in her advocacy of the Uni’s rebrand. Kiwis' capacity for hate towards Americans astounds. She also bragged at getting two Critic covers this quarter (pretty sure it was just the one, Keegan) and is hopeful to try for three in the next!
Our Madam President keeps a pretty good relationship with local bigwigs, despite admitting relations with former mayor Aaron Hawkins (OUSA legend, working for Critic and R1 back in the day) were trying at times: “Sometimes I feel he doesn’t like me.” She’s worked closely with individual students and groups during the semester, helping one Science Communication student obtain special permission to finish their minor.
A lot of Keegan’s job seems to consist of being a social butterfly, flitting between the different OUSA departments (including Critic couch naps) to keep tabs, and steering the OUSA Exec ship like a sailor: a firm hand on the wheel whilst maintaining good cheer with sea shanties. “I believe I am working well with everyone! [...] I think I’m all good with everyone as well? Let’s hope!” Her report is full of praise for those around her, calling Te Rōpū Māori Tumuaki Gemella “queeny”, and UOPISA President Tele “darling”, with Student Support’s Dwaine and OUSA Secretary Donna also receiving shout-outs.
Keegan apologised at the end of her report for it not being as funny as her first quarter report (mentions of department pranks show she’s still a silly little guy at heart) speculating her lack of funny could be “since the [Finance & Strategy] rep is ghosting us”. Rough.
By Hugh Askerud News Editor // news@critic.co.nz
Emily: Admin VP, Critic Enemy No. 1
Email response time: 3 minutes
Emily describes herself as “the weird one-eyed parrot on [Keegan’s] shoulder that screams random noises,” which seems pretty accurate to Critic Te Ārohi. Student engagement has been one of her key goals throughout the semester and she is proud to say that while it’s an “uphill battle” she has made progress through the Exec Instagram page (“I loooove the Exec Instagram it’s like my baby”), Critic (you’re welcome), and the referendum released at the end of last semester.
As well as doing this, Emily has been chairing the PolCom meetings, which is cool, I guess. Despite successfully fulfilling her role this last semester, Emily has been beefing with multiple members of the Exec and OUSA staff. She reports that she “cried [herself] to sleep for weeks because” Liam wouldn’t show up to her meetings. She also states, “I love Critic (except for Hugh, we have ongoing beef).” Rent free, baby.
Emma: Clubs and Socs Rep, Pint Night Addict
Email response time: 15 minutes
The sheriff of the Evison lounge, Emma has come back with a vengeance this quarter looking for blood and further Clubs and Socs engagement. She has been doing this through meetings (as ya do) and a TikTok competition which saw a whopping 13 clubs send submissions to be judged by the OUSA marketing team. To further prove that she is down with the kids, Emma joined the newly formed ‘library committee’ and started talks on a charity match aimed at boosting student engagement. While Emma said that “details are still being ironed out,” it has been alleged to Critic Te Ārohi that the event will be a boxing match held in Forsyth Barr Stadium. Perhaps thankfully, this has not been confirmed.
In the nitty gritty aspects of her job, Emma organised multiple leadership workshops to encourage greater club participation, pairing these workshops with a ‘President’s 101’ guide to encourage strong leadership within clubs. This semester she will be busy with the annual Blue and Golds Awards for sporting achievement, and hopefully a charity match of some description which we await in eager anticipation.
Tara: Welfare and Equity Rep, Bullpen Diehard
Email response time: didn’t send properly :p
Tara says she is “happy to rock some boats” (someone’s been watching Love Island) and she certainly proved that in her report, taking aim at the pay afforded to student politicians. Tara argued, “Student politicians across the motu aren’t effectively compensated for their time,” pointing out that representatives get paid $20.50 after tax – well below the minimum wage. This lack of financial support does not seem to have hampered her output, however, as Tara reported that she met the vast majority of her set goals. In particular, her Disability Action Plan was ratified by the University’s leadership team, and her work towards a universal closed captioning policy alongside Stella L and Ibuki is making steady progress.
Although Tara has recently spent a lot of her time “bombarding the office of voice-note worthy thoughts to Madam President,” she also reported an ongoing battle against loneliness and a lack of community for students entering their second-year. Though
the battle for a student community is one that has touched many a soul, Critic included, our Welfare Rep is truly putting her money where her mouth is, focusing her attention on Student Support and OUSA’s Winter Wellbeing Week. Bleshgo. Tara is undoubtedly doing the mahi.
Liam White: Political Rep, the “I have a few questions” guy Email response time: 3 minutes
It’s the hope that killed Liam White this quarter. He laments the fact that the political landscape has generally been adverse to students, and the fact that the countless submissions he writes have been mercilessly shot down in all eras of the political realm. Despite this, Liam hasn’t given into despair and states that he is “way more optimistic on the value of grass roots politics.” To this degree, he reckons “the hour guides are dumb. If I have the motivation and desire to go over my hours, who the goddamn hell is going to stop me?” Slay Liam.
His chief work this quarter has been advocating for student needs in the ORC Long-Term Plan (which “kind of slayed”), and submitting on the Fast-Track Bill which would give the government the power to fast-track everything – a submission which was ironically fast-tracked, he admits. Though Liam has reached out to every man and his dog, he mentioned that the Young Nats had refused to engage with him and that his weekly meetings with Emily hadn’t happened because “Emily didn’t seem stressed that we weren’t meeting so I wasn’t either!” Overall, Liam’s quarter has been characterised by incessant pestering of higher powers and a relative lack of success in this area, despite his undeniable chirp.
Stella Lynch: Academic Rep, takes no prisoners
Email response time: 3 minutes
If it’s the last thing she does on this earth, Stella is determined to get a closed caption lecture recording policy across the line for students of the future. It’s going well so far, but is going to require student feedback and a few crucial allies as Stella, Tara, and Ibuki push hard to see it come to fruition. In addition to this work, Stella has helped shape a drastically reformed class rep system which involves new roles for those extra dedicated class reps – as if being a class rep wasn’t extra enough. Critic wonders if they’ll actually receive the elusive pizza lunch in this new system? Morbidly, Stella is also working out a way to release changes about certain papers and programmes that are at risk of being lost as University cuts continue. Being Academic Rep is certainly a tough job, but Stella grits her teeth and carries on. Critic salutes you!
Stella McCurdy: Residential Rep, reportedly scared of Critic mwahahaha
Email response time: 2 minutes
Stella has had a tough semester it seems, but is still fighting the good fight against evil landlords. She plans to deliver a series of drop-in sessions on campus in Semester 2 to supplement one-off flatting talks which have already happened as of Semester 1. The talks will also hopefully allow students to ask any questions and prepare for the horrors of second-year flatting.
In terms of barriers to performing her role, Stella mentioned that, “The relationship between OUSA and the college wardens has always been slightly tricky,” arguing that some wardens have been more receptive to her advances than others. Stella has also been leading the charge on the OUSA life members newsletter, a cheeky
extra which promises to give all the OUSA diehards lifegiving knowledge as they progress through the ages. She is also working closely with Liam to find solutions for Dunedin’s larger flatting problems – something no one really knows how to do. Good luck, babes.
Hanna: Postgraduate Rep, Imposter Syndrome Buster
Email response time: crickets
Hanna has kept it pretty lowkey this quarter, but has still done the mahi to get the postgraduate community up on its feet. Her key accomplishment has been the establishment of regular ‘Imposter Hour’ events which have built the community back up without an alcoholic nudge. She did, however, admit that the society for postgraduate students itself has been still finding its feet, having only a handful of meetings so far. Hanna froths a good committee, and reckons her one-on-ones with actual university staff have done a lot to improve the university experience. Honing in on the ‘Imposter Hour’, Hanna is trying to recreate the magic by starting up a postgrad open day which has been confirmed for August, and a fortnightly board games night at Card Merchant. Finishing her report, and bringing a tear to Critic’s eye, she summed up that “being on the OUSA Exec is like having a family away from home.”
Ibuki: International Rep, Alexa play ‘Too Sweet’ by Hozier
Email response time: 196 minutes
Ibuki claims he has had a poor run at organising events this past semester, but without him, we wouldn’t have the beyblade tournament. Outside of that, Ibuki has been pouring his heart and soul into OUSA’s closed caption policy, supporting Tara and Stella to get it across the line with the University big dogs. He also helped the Otago International Students’ Association establish a radio show on OAR FM – unintentionally stabbing a knife in the back of Radio One as he did so. You just can’t stay mad at that face, though.
Ever the flatterer, Buki has showered his other Exec members with praise and seems to be the golden retriever of the bullpen. His goals for next semester start and end with event planning, something which he hopes to improve with the assistance of some of the international student clubs. Pundits are suggesting he may now opt for a Pokemon tournament.
Telekalafi: UOPISA President, The Glue
Email response time: crickets
Telekalafi has been fighting tirelessly for University of Otago Pacific Island Students’ Association’s (UOPISA) representation this semester, but was sadly thwarted on numerous occasions. She has been trying to carve out an office space for the crew somewhere around the uni, but has thus far been unable to do so, also being told UOPISA would be unlikely to get a seat on the University Council (though she was hopeful this would be achieved sometime in future). Key to Telekalafi’s semester was a ‘Taste of Home’ event in coalition with Te Rōpū Māori (TRM), which involved the sharing of kai between Māori and Pasifika students. Of the event’s success, Tele said, “The turn out for [the] event was more than what we expected and I look forward to planning more events with TRM and Gemella in the near future.” Broadly, Tele has been able to keep together the variety of groups surrounding UOPISA and has done the hard mahi to further connections, making UOPISA a force to be reckoned with.
OUSA Referendum Results Are In
Mmmmmmm data
The OUSA referendum was at the end of last semester. All enrolled Otago Uni students were emailed a link to an online survey to have their say on what OUSA should focus their efforts on. Questions were able to be submitted by students prior to being put to vote, and after some to and fro (with many of Critic’s suggestions sadly binned) the final list included 21 questions. 1572 of you responded, voting yay or nay to each.
Critic has compiled the results and comments below. As a brief summary, students continue to express enthusiastic support for a student bar, think attempts from the Exec to be silly are “cringe”, and are down for anything that involves OUSA or themselves saving money – sadly meaning prints of Sexy Garfield are out of the question. Note: the results of the referendum aren’t binding.
YES:
Should the Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA)
Audited Annual Financial Statements for the year ended 31 December 2023 be received and accepted? (78.9%)
Should OUSA's Annual Report for 2023 be received and accepted? (83.3%)
Should OUSA support an ATM being installed on campus somewhere near the Link? (51.8%)
Since the campus is cashless, students pointed out that this might not be beneficial to anyone besides regular bus and drug users – who apparently make a majority “yes” between them. Who out there is bank transferring their dealer?
Should OUSA lobby for the University of Otago to create a course advice software where students can input their degree and papers and see if they meet all the degree requirements? (77.2%)
Should OUSA provide a student bar? (77.8%)
Support for this was overwhelming (shout-out to the person who commented “YES” 84 times), if tinged with impatience given the question was also in the last referendum.
Should OUSA advocate for a new policy that will give students universal access to closed-captioned lecture recordings? (82.3%)
There was resounding support for this across the board for multitudes of reasons – mainly to increase accessibility of learning for all tauira. Good to hear this one is underway.
Should OUSA provide or lobby the University to provide period products in all bathrooms on campus? (85.5%) “duh”
Should the OUSA executive provide an online bulletin of their actions (such as the one on 2nd May) on a weekly or biweekly basis? (49.6%)
With many abstaining, the majority voted yes. However, Critic’s loyal followers pointed out in comments that this is something we already do (“that’s Critic’s job”) and that having to follow yet another media platform sounds exhausting.
Should OUSA provide a cheap option for dinners for students, similar to $4 lunch? (81.4%)
Students’ comments noted that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to keep up with the cost of living, noticing the quality of their diets and nutrition had slipped. Many, however, wondered at the impact it would have on the Bowling Club’s business, with some suggestions of a collaboration of some kind.
By Nina Brown Editor // critic@critic.co.nz
Should OUSA lobby the University to work with the Otago Regional Council for cheaper fares for university students? (77.7%)
Consensus is yes, but many pointed out that students can already get cheaper fares through the community services card which all students are eligible for. The bus hype was strong, though.
Should OUSA lobby the University to create more all gender toilets on campus? (50.1%)
Many pointed out that there has been a Uni plan about this for a while that has been held up in bureaucracy, despite poking and prodding from Critic on multiple occasions.
Should OUSA lobby the University to run a Postgraduate open day? (65.8%)
Should OUSA lobby the University to expand the Graduate Research School’s scope to include Honours students, course work Masters students and 2 years Masters students completing their coursework year? (64.9%)
NO:
Should OUSA make free prints of Sexy Garfield available for all students? (63.6%)
Boo.
Should OUSA have branded condoms and dental dams? (70.5%)
Should OUSA pass a motion that the President be only referred to as "Mr/Madam President" on all occasions? (61.5%)
To those of you who thought this was an ego trip question from Keegan: Critic submitted this question, and will continue to refer to her as Madam President.
Should OUSA provide more daytime events on campus? (46.2%)
This question sparked confusion over what the events would be. While some interpreted it as daytime concerts like those during Ori, others said they’d like to see more things like sausage sizzles, smaller gigs, promotions of rec programmes and volleyball nets. There was support for chill, non-alcohol related daytime events but not for events that some felt would be disruptive.
Should the OUSA executive do a weekly challenge and post it on Instagram (@ousaexec)? (51.6%)
While some thought it would be fun (“you do you, I guess”) others commented that it sounded “cringe” and a “waste of time”, with one person commenting (rather boringly): “You’re not influencers” and that “they should do the work they get paid to do”. Okay, Karen.
Should OUSA lobby the University to turn all the grass on campus into an intensive dairy farm? (72.2%)
At least some got that this is a joke.
Should OUSA convert the aquatic events centre into a cafe? (68.6%)
The runners were keen for a caffeine fix on their morning trots past the building. The rowers in the comment section were understandably displeased.
Should OUSA ask Gus Webster to opt-out of being a member of OUSA? (45.2%)
“Who the fuck is Gus Webster?” Critic had to look it up, too.
All Aboard the Contiki School Bus
Global tour company releases educational trips
If seeing one more TikTok of Euro summer will send you over the edge, travel company Contiki has revealed they’re now offering ‘Contiki University’ branded trips, offering eight ‘courses’, each fit with a major and minor subject. Pretty sure this isn’t why domestic enrolments have dropped off, but good to know.
With courses in subjects such as Greek Architecture or European Studies available, the subject range is both extremely diverse and far more limited than what the University of Otago offers. The minors can be a bit niche – mukbang, Myan myths, and ‘70s Swedish Pop Music among them (yes, really).
Managing director of Contiki, Toni Amber, said, “We’re not telling people to skip their studies. However, we are encouraging young New Zealanders to get out there and view ‘education’ from a new perspective, because there really is no better way to learn about history, culture, or even yourself, than by experiencing it and the world firsthand.”
By Gryffin Powell Staff Writer //news@critic.co.nz
The inspiration for these trips came after Contiki commissioned a survey of a thousand 18-35 year olds that found 67% of respondents felt they learnt more life skills from travelling than from a university course. On the other hand, 62% also agreed they felt like they needed the experience that attending university offered.
On one of those winter days that leaves shivering students questioning their move to Dunedin, Critic Te Ārohi spoke to some students for their thoughts on Contiki’s new offering. One student said he thought it was “interesting,” saying, “I’ve been studying for five years, but I could’ve been travelling?” He also added that he “assumed it’s catered to a high end background,” likely humbled by the price of plane tickets.
Like your mate's supposed upcoming “host of the year,” word doesn’t seem to have gotten around North D about Contiki Uni –but with so few people around, that’s not saying much.
The OUSA Student Exec recently submitted on the Residential Tenancies Amendment Bill in opposition to its proposed introduction of no-cause evictions. It’s exactly what it sounds like: the bill would allow landlords to evict tenants without needing to give a reason. Critic Te Ārohi spoke to Political Rep Liam White and Labour Leader Chris Hipkins about the proposal.
The government proposes to change the Residential Tenancies Act in two key ways: firstly by installing 45-day cause evictions under set circumstances, and secondly by re-initiating 90-day no cause evictions. 90-day no-cause evictions were phased out by the Labour government in 2020 yet are set to be re-introduced as early as next year.
Liam did not hold back in his outrage at the bill. “I genuinely think it’s crazy. It’s just such a clearly pro-landlord project […] I just think it’s batshit, truly.” He pointed out that potential implications of the bill could mean evictions based on any form of discrimination. “With no-cause evictions, it is within their power to say, ‘Because this person is not white I am going to evict them’ [...] they would never at any point in the process have to provide justification.”
In terms of what it might mean for students, Liam said, “For students who don’t know their rights as tenants, this is a real threat for them.” As an example, he said that the simple request of fixing a malfunctioning extractor fan could land them an eviction notice for the inconvenience. Continuing, he argued, “Chris Bishop keeps saying that good tenants have nothing to fear when actually every tenant now has something to fear.”
By Hugh Askerud News Editor //news@critic.co.nz
Liam also argued that flats who partied regularly may have higher chances of being evicted, although he consented that l ocal landlords usually expect it. Nonetheless, he said the changes could have detrimental effects. “It puts such a pressure on students. 90 days notice is quite a short period of time to find a new flat and to move [...] the concern is hidden homelessness, where you end up couch surfing,” said Liam.
Conveniently, leader of the opposition Chris Hipkins was in town recently, allowing Critic a few minutes of his time to speak on the bill (and offer expert opinion on the ideal fish and chips). Asked for his take on the proposed bill, Chippy responded: “I’m opposed to that [...] For a lot of people who are long-term renters it's their home that we are talking about. And the idea that for no good reason whatsoever you can just be told to get out of your home for no cause, I don't think that's right. I think the dice are very heavily stacked in favour of landlords now.”
He pointed out that this is especially an issue considering NZ is increasingly becoming a country of renters. “I think when you're a landlord, it's more than just about making money. You actually have a social responsibility as a landlord to provide a decent standard of accommodation and to recognize that what you are supplying is someone's home,” said Chippy.
The Select Committee has accepted OUSA’s submission and will continue to implement changes to the Residential Tenancy Act through this year and next.
OUSA Student Support Has New Digs
You can find them behind the purple door
OUSA Student Support shifted locations early last week, vacating its building on Ethel Benjamin (behind Clubs and Socs) and moving into 272 Leith Walk, the old National Centre for Peace and Conflict Studies – a casualty of the University’s financial strain.
For those unfamiliar, OUSA Student Support is made up of a team of staff dedicated to helping students with whatever shit life throws at them – from financial hardship, inter-flatmate tensions, tenancy advice, and more.
In their more centralised location, OUSA plans to revitalise the building with a soon to be iconic feature – the purple door. Behind the purple door is a roomier office space to accommodate all tairua, with the Student Support team ready to assist you with whatever you need.
Commenting on the shift, OUSA’s Welfare and Equity Rep Tara Shepherd told Critic, “I love that they will be ‘on’ campus, it will make them more findable/accessible for students. I really like the move. Personally, I recommend OUSA Student Support all the
By Gryffin Powell Staff Writer // news@critic.co.nz
time as I do believe they can be the most effective when all that student life challenges bring on.”
About the purple door, Tara said, "Personally I haven't heard about the purple door, but why not spice it up? We need more murals and colours on campus.” Critic can only assume this to be a dig aimed at the concrete prisons of Richardson and Burns.
Critic stepped foot into (a very deserted) campus to see if news of the purple door had spread around Studentville during the break. One student told Critic that the door was “a travesty”, nonetheless adding that “it’s definitely better than grey or yellow.” On a more positive note, another student said, “Damn, that makes me want to go.”
To sweeten the news even further, all students that take their tenancy agreement to OUSA Student Support prior to signing before October 18th will be in the draw to win prizes from the team.
Otago Uni Releases Statement on Free Speech
Praised as the “gold standard”
In a flying start at his first Uni Council meeting last Tuesday, new Vice-Chancellor Grant Robertson (GRob for short) approved the ‘University of Otago Statement on Free Speech’. Free speech advocates have since come out calling it the “gold standard” of policies. The statement is the product of Emeritus Professor James Maclaurin and a working party – including OUSA Prez Keegan Wells.
In a press release following the statement’s approval, the Uni said, “The aim was to develop a statement that would give the University community clarity and confidence about freedom of speech and help staff and students engage with one another as a diverse community with diverse ideas.”
The statement itself reads: “The University affirms that it will not restrict debate or deliberation simply because the ideas put forth are thought by some to be offensive, unwise, immoral, or wrongheaded [...] to reiterate the University’s solemn and long-standing responsibility not only to promote lively and fearless freedom of debate and deliberation, but also to protect that freedom when others attempt to restrict it.” A big win for the Debating Society, a big loss for the average student who will lose the ability to hear themself think over Debating Society members in the Link.
The development of the statement had initially attracted controversy from free speech advocates after the public was excluded from its construction. But the same group, the Free Speech Union, have since come out in glowing support of the statement following its release. Free Speech Union Chief Executive, Jonathan Ayling, said that the statement was “the best we’ve seen in the country. It is the new gold standard for policies of this kind and should set the tone for other New Zealand universities.”
The much anticipated statement argues that free speech is at the core of the University’s identity, with Maclaurin writing, “Only
By Hugh Askerud News Editor // news@critic.co.nz
through a preparedness to challenge, question, and criticise ideas can progress in understanding take place.” Because how would we cope without that one guy in every tutorial?
The statement also extends these renewed rights to visitors, indicating that the campus could soon “provide a space in which contrary and unpopular positions can be advanced free from political interference or suppression.” It was this clause in particular that has been applauded by Free Speech advocates, with Ayling stating, “We commend their stance that the university is not a place to be kept ‘safe’ from ideas.”
The University’s commitment to freedom of speech did carry the caveat that not all speech would be acceptable at the institution. “The University may properly restrict expression which violates the law. Moreover, the University accepts no duty to provide a space for those who are not members of its community to advance their ideas or theories in ways which fundamentally undermine the University’s character.” Looking at you, @StDavidsBuildingHate. The statement also gives the University regulatory abilities over free speech to ensure the ordinary activities of the University are not disrupted.
Keegan told Critic Te Ārohi that the process of its development was ”quite intimidating but really fun and I’m really happy with where the statement landed.” She pointed out that the statement allowed both for “free speech and the people to disagree with it, who are arguably more important.” Speaking to the regulatory abilities over free speech afforded to the University, Keegan explained that this meant “they don’t have to give them Burns 1.”
Although Keegan did not believe free speech events would skyrocket or decline noticeably, she mentioned that it did pave the way for easier collective action by the student body. Protest anyone?
PUZZLES PUZZLES
Note: The answers to the bolded clues are in the Critic Census.
PUZZLES PUZZLES
WORDFIND
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
There are 10 differences between the two images
CRUISERS
BACHELOR
VIDEOGRAPHY
BASKETBALL
TRIBUNAL
CHANCELLOR
CHINCHILLA
CONTIKI
AMENDMENT
SQUIDDIES
BATTER
WATTIES
ACADEMIA
ADVENTUROUS
RUSTIC
MAZAGRAN
PHONETICS
DELIVEREASY
STEINLAGER
Illustrated by Ryan Dombroski
Winter has come, and the fish and chip gods demand justice! If fish and chips are a summer food, then why do they have all the key components of a hearty winter feed? Potatoes, grease, convenience, shame. Perfect for cold days, or cold journalists in dire need of their yearly sacrifice – this year being News Editor Hugh’s stomach, having consumed five rounds of fish and chips in the space of a week. Pray for Hugh.
Ever your servant on the altar of student interests, Critic Te Ārohi presents our 23rd annual offering of a grease-and-tear soaked review. This time, we have new contenders to challenge the North D veterans. We ordered two fish (too scared and broke to ask what kind) and a scoop of chips from eight takeaway shops across Ōtepoti to compare cost, levels of grease, fishyness, crispness, and batter structural integrity –certified by Chris “Chippy” Hipkins himself!
HOOKED TAKEAWAYS
THE SOGGIEST
A first-time contender this year, Hooked was also the first bounty the Critic Te Ārohi staff ploughed into. And yet, it managed to appear the soggiest. Albeit this is likely because I stuffed the steaming package into my bag and ran the 3.5km to the office – snagging a few chippies on the way (because tradition). OUSA Prez Keegan said that “it looks sad” by the time it reached the plate (an effort to make it appear less sad) with similar sentiments being shared by the rest of the staff.
While the chips possessed an admirable chunkiness, they were bang average, teetering on the edge of cardboardyness. There were also like ten in the package, and one sad straggler remained on the table for the rest of the review. The soggy fish exuded sliminess, having slipped its batter by feeding time. Hooked has had rave reviews on the hallowed ‘Dunedin Fish & Chip shop review’ FB page, yet failed to live up to the hype. The one possible reason for any student entering Ravensbourne was extinguished with every reluctant chew. I wish I could move on
shop advocates. Can it really be counted to be in the spirit of the fish and chip experience, or is it too restaurant-like? I’m not sure, but with a price of $22.50, you can best believe my tasting experience was impeded by the thought that I could now only afford to eat my flatmates custard powder and the Critic office noodles for the next month.
The chips were of a standard variety, harkening to a simpler time, while the fish was flat-out fantastic. Nina called the delicately light and crispy shell a “god batter”, while thick batter fans shook their heads in disgust (arguments ensued). The fish was delicate and spoke of a middle-aged night watching The with wine and cheese. The meal was destroyed, and we sat grinning at each other, not yet fatigued by too much fish and chips. Glorious. But the question is: was the cardboard boat and lemon wedge worth the $10 difference from other shops?
Parents are buying or straight off the ship for the Kiwiana experience
Mei Wah is no stranger to the Fatty-Lane-faithful. The go-to fish and chip option for students, Mei Wah has been something of a stranger to good fish and chips – until now, that is. The utter shock we all felt when biting into the thick batter was enough to make us celebrate like it was Armistice Day (well, not really, but it was still quite a shock). The chips did their duty, each with a fine girth and a generous seasoning, supplementing each piece of fish beautifully.
The fish’s batter was the size of a truck, yet somehow this didn’t overpower the meal. It was a truck we would gladly lie down in front of. It hurt so bad, but oh so good. A true Fatty Lane experience. Talking ceased as everyone got to munching. For $12, it was a serious feed. There was a pluckiness to the meal that left us humbled and immensely proud of the local. Silently we wondered: could Mei Wah really win this thing? Mei Wah!
Chips: 8/10
Fish: 8/10
Price: $12
Ideal circumstances: Flatmate forgot to make dinner
A FINE GIRTH
This was tough to get through. Lotto said, “It just tastes off,” and I think that sums it up pretty well. Not only were we three-quarters of the way through an FnC marathon, but the sheer amount of grease had made the fish unhandleable for everyone but the bravest. On the bright side, the oiliness made for one hell of a crispy batter, with intern Tevya gleefully tucking in.
Just across the road from New World Gardens, Botans Takeaways is conveniently located, yet lacking in the kind of oomph you would expect from a joint nestled on the edge of NEV. If anyone deserves a hearty batch of fish and chips to get them through the winter, it’s the battlers of NEV. Unfortunately, this just didn’t perform. The chips were a tad stale, yet somehow greasier than any other chip we had encountered. On the subject of grease, we could see the coffee table through three layers of paper, leaving everyone with an immense craving for a post-review bath. Or at the very least to dry shampoo our hands.
Chips: 3/10
Fish: 6/10
Price: $12.75
Ideal circumstances: Eaten at an outdoor Tipplers table with a pint and yarns with the crusty locals
NEEDSDRY SHAMPOO
“If you like batter, go to Great Wall.” Particularly if it’s bready, chewy, shit batter that you like. If you’re normal, don’t touch the Great Wall fish with a ten foot pole. This shouldn’t be too hard as the batter is a mile deep, so you won’t need to worry about getting anywhere near the fish. You don’t really need teeth to eat this shit. The chips were “aggressively bland” according to Lotto – first thing they said all review, so you know they meant it – and did little to save the meal. It screamed casino depression, being conveniently just round the corner. This would be the gold standard for a drunken night out when your taste buds are gone, but unfortunately the place closes at 9pm so it has been unable to gain the cult following of local kebab shops.
Chips: 5/10
Fish: 3/10
Price: $12
Ideal circumstances: Eating your feelings or being too tired to chew
THEEMPIREFALLS
This pains me to write. Tahuna Camp Store has fallen from its lofty pedestal, plummeting into the depths of shittery. Camp store ain’t it anymore: I weep. Though the presentation was immaculate – really, props to you – as soon as we had to use force to tear pieces of fish, we knew the mirage was fading. The fish just did not taste like fish. It was giving frozen fish fingers, and took far too long to chew.
The chips were poorly shaped and offered little in the way of actual potato. Both Gollum and Samwise would be disappointed by this meal which is for neither the fish nor potato lover. Keegan commented, “This is like watching the Roman empire fall in real time.” Nina argued that it was a case of “Instagram vs Reality.” Whatever it was, it couldn’t even be saved by the tartare sauce pottles that we used to mask the averageness of the meal. Of course, it wasn’t that bad, but it was a real shame: the throne is now up for the taking.
Chips: 6/10
Fish: 6/10
Price: $13
Ideal circumstances: Trekking onto St Kilda beach
SQUIDDIES TAHUNA CAMP STORE
SIMPLY LACKING
Everyone has a soft spot for Squiddies, and despite the fact that it hasn’t claimed the win in our review in years, it’s still a much beloved favourite of many. Squiddies provides variety, nostalgia, convenient individual portions, centrality, and most importantly, fucking banging crinkle cut fries. We couldn’t get enough. And unlike the other shops, they didn’t lose their edibility as they cooled – an understated but vital quality.
Yet chips alone do not make a fish and chip store. Squiddies’ banging crinkle cuts are good, yes, but the fish is simply lacking. The fish, looking a bit like the fish equivalent of a chicken nugget (and tasting like it, too) is certainly not fresh. Where’s the flakiness, Squiddies? If this local legend hopes to have another Critic certificate up on their wall in years to come, they need to do something about that fish. Feel free to borrow our fishing rod!
Chips: 10/10
Fish: 5/10
Price: $12.50
Ideal circumstances: Post-lecture lethargy
MARLOW DAMN.
Marlow isn't messing around. We couldn’t get the fish and chips from Marlow in the first instance since our staff review was a lunch affair and they open at 4:30pm. In an independent review by Hugh (and family) there was then an hour wait time. Was Marlow playing hard to get? Or creating an illusion of popularity to prop up their ranking?
Damn though, was it worth the wait! The chips had a starchiness to them which somehow refrained from being sickening, filling you up all the same. Marlow’s fish was pure as snow, able to be ripped apart in delicate chunks which only lost their form deep in the pits of your stomach. The batter was also actually something you wanted to eat and, even if you didn’t, it surrounded the fish perfectly so you would reach the good stuff as soon as you had a bite. Takeaways on Marlow, Critic bows to you.
Chips: 9/10
Fish: 9/10
Price: $14.50
Ideal circumstances: Doesn’t matter. Like MDMA, Marlow makes everything better
Final results
It’s Marlow, hands down. No one else even comes close. Mei Wah at a push maybe, but Marlow blew us out of the water. As Squiddies can attest to, it’s not hard to come by a fish and chip store with great chips and meh fish, but a store with both? Priceless. Best Cafe and Tahuna Camp Store: kneel, you have a new king. Shout out to Mei Wah for keeping it real on the streets of Studentville and providing us with the drunken feed we may not deserve, but desperately need.
On the search for the perfect fish and chip:
expert advice from Chris “Chippy” Hipkins
Critic Te Ārohi takes our job of reviewing Dunedin’s shops in search of the best fish and chips very seriously. We sought expert advice on our quest, asking former Prime Minister Chris “Chippy” Hipkins the questions that truly matter to students.
Critic: What do you think makes for the best fish and chips?
Chippy: Fresh fish, and you’ve gotta get the batter content right. So you don’t want too little batter, but you don’t want too much batter, either. If the batter is too thick and stodgy, it kind of ruins the flavour of the fish. So you want a nice light batter, but you need to have a good covering. And I like hand-cut chips, rather than the mass-produced ones. I always like the fish and chip shops that make their own chips. If they’re cutting their own chips, generally they’ll be nicer. And the ones who cut their own chips and double fry them [...] Oh, just absolutely divine.
Critic: We’re pairing our review with Heinz tomato sauce. Do you have a favourite brand of sauce?
Chippy: Well, there’s two. Watties, if I’m buying tomato sauce, but my family has a homemade tomato sauce recipe that’s been handed down through the generations and it’s the best.
Critic: Love it. What would be your go-to fish and chip order?
Chippy: Two fish, a crab stick, and a scoop of hand-cut chips.
Critic: Wow, that really rolled off the tongue.
Chippy: You can tell that I’ve done that quite a bit. I should probably cut down to one fish, now. I mean, crikey, you hit 45 and suddenly you can’t eat quite as much anymore!
Critic: You should have seen us after our fish and chip marathon.
Chippy: [Steering us back on track] But no. I love a crab stick. I think they’re the perfect accompaniment to a fish and chip meal, but it also depends on the type of fish. If you were going to a place that does nice fillets – so if there was a blue cod fillet, for example – that would just trump everything. I would have the blue cod fillet. I just love blue cod. It's my favourite fish. [Blue Cod monologue ensued] Best fish, yeah.
Critic: One more question. If you had to choose between two stores, one with the best fish and average chips, and the other with the best chips and average fish, which would you choose?
Chippy: If I had to choose, I’d go with the fish. But in that scenario, I would take the time to go to both. I would go and buy the fish and then I would go and buy the chips separately [...] You can’t be lazy when it comes to getting the right fish and chips. It’s an important quest. You can’t cut corners.
There you have it, folks. Don’t go gentle into that good fight for the perfect fish and chips.
4. Squiddies
5. Tahuna
6. Great Wall
7. Botans
8. Ravensbourne
WHO FILLED OUT THE CENSUS?
First, kudos to you: this year’s data is much more reflective of the student body compared to Critic’s previous censuses. A grand total of 1005 students anonymously handed over their data to feed the Critic content machine, marking a whopping 195% increase in responses from last year. How did we gather this data? Critic promoted the census on social media, advertised it in the magazine and, with the permission of various lecturers, surveyed classes about their porn habits (among other topics). The papers included were LAWS407, LAWS301, BSNS111, BSNS112, MFCO318, and GEND207. We thank you for your time.
So, which of your peers volunteered their thoughts and lives for juicy Critic content? Our sample of respondents turns out to be a fairly accurate representation of the student body. Here is the demographic breakdown of our survey respondents compared to the University student population:
Note: Students who reported more than one ethnic group are counted once in each group reported. Therefore, totals may be greater than 100%.
University of Otago Statistics: Undergrad 73.2%, Postgraduate 26.7%
University of Otago Statistics: 60.9% female, 38.6% male, 0.4% gender diverse.
University of Otago Statistics: 74.7% European, 12.4% Māori, 19.1% Asian, 6.5% Pacifica, 3.9% MELA (Middle Eastern, Latin American, African) 2% Other/Unknown.
We start off strong with everyone’s guilty pleasure topics: sex, celebrities, and drama.
SEX LIFE
Just as in previous years, everyone vastly overestimates how much sex their peers are having. About 50% of students believe they’re having less sex than everyone else, compared to 26% who believe they’re having “about the same” and 24.5% who reckon they’re knocking boots more than the rest of us (more power to you).
PORN
The most awkward question to fill out during your 8am was probably your porn viewing habits. This could explain why 48% of students reported they don’t consume porn of any form. Last year, Critic reckoned 26.2% “frankly seems like a lie” – meaning 48% is almost certainly a lie. Here’s a reminder that the census is anonymous; your dirty secrets are safe with us.
Amongst students who do consume porn, PornHub and other X-rated sites predictably topped as the most popular form of consumption at 37.7%. Uncensored social media sites such as Reddit and X (formerly Twitter) came second
(18.3%), followed by fictional erotica (13.4%), OnlyFans (1.3%) and old-school pornographic media like Playboy (1.1%). “Homemade porn,” “Colleen Hoover books” and “I AM HENTAI FIEND” ranked amongst our spiciest individualised answers.
RELATIONSHIPS
As for a more wholesome statistic, 37.5% of students reported being in a romantic relationship. But if you’re still looking for someone to cuff up this Dunedin winter, don’t fret: about 50% of campus is still single, according to the census. That’s right, there’s a 50/50 chance the hottie in your tutorial is on the market! On the other hand, 10% of respondents claimed to be in the dreaded situationship, whilst 2.7% describe themselves as exclusively dating someone they’re not ‘official’ with yet.
SEXUALITY
Last year, Critic published that Ōtepoti Dunedin is one of the few places on earth where you’ll hear the f-slur casually used by breathas “who are mere hours away from drinking out of each other’s nutsacks.” Now we have the data to back
it up: a whopping 44.5% of census respondents don’t identify as straight/heterosexual – around 2 in 5 students. This statistic is especially surprising considering only 4.2% of New Zealand adults identify as LGBT+.
CELEBRITY CRUSHES
As for crushes, it seems Otago Uni has a type: ridiculously good-looking, unproblematic, and somewhat mysterious “it” actors of the moment. Otago’s most popular celebrity crush this year was Paul Mescal, followed by Margot Robbie and Zendaya (who tied equally) and Theo James. But looking at the diversity of answers, there’s truly someone for everyone. Even Critic Editor Nina [Editor’s note: I’m blushing], OUSA President Keegan, and Otago’s very own Daddy Grant racked up some votes.
FLATMATES
While flatting can be a lot of fun, things can quickly turn sour depending on the company you keep. Luckily, 75% of flatting students reported they like the people they live with. Less fortunately, 22.6% reported only liking some of their flatmates – or only liking their flatmates some of the time (“there’s a bit of drama”). Even less fortunately, the remaining 2.3% don’t like their flatmates at all. For everyone suffering through a dysfunctional flatting situation, perhaps take comfort in knowing that a quarter of your peers are in the trenches of a regrettable lease with you.
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE SEXUALITY?YOUR
HALLS
Every hall comes with its own culture, stereotypes, and traditions. But are some halls widely believed to be better than others? Is there a hall of envy? To find out, we asked students which hall they ended up at, whether they were happy with their hall of choice, and, if not, what hall they wished they’d gone to.
Uni recruiters often tell Year 13s that whichever hall they go to will end up being the “best” one, and our census data seems to support this old adage. Of the respondents who did go to a hall, 83.8% liked the hall they went to, and only 16.7% of respondents had wished they’d gone somewhere else. But among those who wish they’d gone somewhere else, Arana was the most popular choice at 18.8%, making the “Fuck Arana” chant ring a little hollow, and perhaps confirming resident’s suspicions that people are just jealous of them.
CHOICE TO STUDY AT OTAGO
Much like their hall choices, students responded they were overwhelmingly happy with their decision to study at Otago University (87.8%), whilst only 2.7% wished they had gone to a different university (the remainder feeling “neutral” about their choice).
NEW LOGO
University & Academia
WHATHALLOFRESIDENCE DID/DOYOUGOTO?
This year, the Uni underwent Māori cultural rebranding, where the new tohu (symbol) has attracted endless (and perhaps insensitive) comparisons to bananas. Whilst the University itself may be in vogue amongst students, its rebrand was predictably far more divisive. 36.6% of students thought it looked good, 36.4% felt neutral about it, and 27% of students reckoned it “looks bad”. However, the new tohu and ingoa Māori is far from just a cosmetic change for the Uni, being an important step towards being a Te Tiriti led institution. Critic can see where the banana comments came from, though.
GRANT ROBERTSON
A rebrand is not the only change in the air at Otago. This semester, former OUSA President and Deputy Prime Minister Grant Robertson begins as Otago’s new Vice Chancellor (i.e., the big boss of the Uni). Aside from the majority who felt neutral, only 7.4% disapproved of his appointment, whilst 42% of students supported the incoming reign of Daddy Grant. As with all step-fathers, it seems it may take a minute for the rest of the flock to warm up to their new parental figure.
FUTURE CAREER
Contrary to popular belief – primarily among Dunedin locals – students don’t only come to Otago to get on the piss. By and large, students put themselves through years of stress and financial hardship to work towards a future career –whilst also getting on the piss. 31.3% of students reported being certain of their career path, while 43.9% are deciding between two or more options. 24.8% have
“literally no clue”, and since we forgot to ask what everyone studies, Critic can’t be sure whether these were from the BA respondents.
BEST STUDY SPOT
The campus libraries came out on top as students’ preferred study locations. Beating the Central slander, almost half of students (43.6%) voted Central Library as their top study spot on campus. As the name suggests, its central location makes for a convenient spot to brush up on readings between lectures. The rankings of other libraries came out as: Robertson Library (13.9%), Richardson Law Library (12.2%), The Marsh (8.2%, proving breathas study too), St Dave’s Science Library (7.5%), and Health Science Library (3.6%). Most other respondents said some variation of “home”, niche places on campus, or a café. To the person who answered “my bed,” you’re a real one for that.
LECTURE ATTENDANCE
Since the pandemic forced all teaching online, there’s been talk of changing learning behaviour among students
who might prefer to switch to online learning – much to lecturers’ chagrin. However, two-thirds of students indicated that they attend most, if not all, of their lectures in person, unless they have a valid reason not to. 6% of students said they don’t go to any in-person lectures at all. When students miss a lecture, 58.2% said they will always watch it online later on, while 35% said they only do sometimes, and 6.8% never do.
Technology
CHATGPT
ChatGPT took the world by storm last year, simultaneously causing widespread anxiety and glee among staff and students at uni. While the Uni’s policy on the use of generative AI says ChatGPT can be used as a tool for learning and research, relying on it for assignments is considered academic misconduct. It may come as a surprise to some to learn that only 25.6% of students said they “often” use ChatGPT for assignments. Use could range from merely replacing typically Googled questions with ChatGPT, to a straight copy and pasted essay. 40% said they sometimes have used the AI, while 34.4% never have.
SOCIAL MEDIA
It seems that what they say about the kids and their phones these days is true. Only four students in the census didn’t have any form of social media. Critic envies how peaceful it must be to not be chronically online, bombarded with content 24/7 – such as from yours truly. Meta reigned superior over other social media platforms, with the majority of students using Instagram (97.5%) and Facebook (94.3%). Snapchat came a close third (87.1%) – because how else would you send nudes? – followed by TikTok (66.7%). Those too good for TikTok are sure to send you Instagram reels of months-old trends.
Drugs & Alcohol
ALCOHOL
Otago students’ reputation for binge-drinking is notorious, sure to be the heavy-weights of any Crate Day among highschool homies. But how does our alcohol consumption rate amongst ourselves? In response to our question of whether students think they drink more or less than their peers, most reckon they drink less than their peers (42.3%) with a similar proportion guessing they’d drink about the same amount. 12% of students think they drink more than their peers, and 55 respondents said that they don’t drink alcohol at all.
ILLEGAL DRUG USE
With Boba Ket lurking amongst us, the list of illicit drugs tried by students was bound to be diverse. A quarter of students reported that they’d never tried any drugs outside of a prescription. Of the large majority who’ve dabbled, marijuana came out on top at 73.5%.
Following the devil’s lettuce was the ‘hug drug,’ MDMA. Data has shown dirty Dunnaz to be the MDMA capital of New Zealand, so it’s no surprise 41% of respondents have given it a whirl (or a gurn). Individualised answers included opioids, benzos (without a prescription), paint fumes, “some bag I found on the floor at a club” and a defensive “I’ve only tried weed once bro” – which, y’know, still counts. And to the 117 of you who have tried cocaine, Critic asks: in this economy?
I’ve only tried weed once bro – which, y’know, still counts.
WHAT ILLEGAL DRUGS HAVE YOU TRIED RECREATIONALLY?
WEED CONSUMPTION
MENTAL HEALTH
The real question among the stoners of North D isn’t how much weed you’ve smoked, but how you do it. This census question caused a mini uproar. Not from the Uni, for once, but from students who complained to Critic they could only select one method, with many wanting to check them all (causing Features Editor Iris to urgently edit the settings on Google Forms in the middle of a first date). Joints came out on top as everyone’s preferred way of getting high (47.2%), followed closely by bongs (44.8%), and edibles (34.8%) – the remainder not having made Mary Jane’s acquaintance. Critic notes that while edibles may be more effort to prep, they’re way more yum than your mate’s homemade choccy milk bottle and hose pipe bong. If you’re in need of inspiration, check out this year’s drugs issue for Critic’s firecracker edible recipe.
NICOTINE
Once upon a time, we were all kids righteously swearing on the altar of Harold the Giraffe to never touch a cigarette. Now, almost half of us are sucking on a blueberry flavoured USB stick – some more than others. While 54.7% of students reported they don't vape, the 26.6% who vape “only on social occasions” harass the 18.7% of regular vapers at said social occasions.
Vapes were initially introduced as a quitting device for smokers. That may be true for some, but among younger demographics it’s better regarded as a gateway into durrie munching (just me?). 5.2% of students told Critic they regularly smoke cigarettes, whilst 29% relegate their smoking habits to the weekends – a tobacco treat at the end of a hard week. The majority (65.9%) have remained steadfast to their childhood commitment; probably to the delight of Student Health.
Damaged lungs aren’t the only ailment students suffer from. According to endless studies, Gen Z disproportionately suffers from mental health issues; likely due to a mix of increased awareness and various pressures of the modern world. 27% of respondents reported they suffered from a diagnosed mental health issue. 24.4% reported they suffered from poor mental health, but have yet to seek professional help. The majority (33%) shared they struggled with their mental health sometimes/on occasion. It was actually the minority (15%) who reported they don't struggle with their mental health at all… which totally isn’t concerning.
Interestingly, despite over 50% reporting regularly or chronically struggling with mental health, only 32.1% of respondents have sought support from Student Health Mental Health and Wellbeing Services. Student Health offers up to six counselling sessions for students depending on their needs (call 03 479 8212 to book). Other campus support services include OUSA Student Support, Te Huka Mātauraka Māori Centre, Pacific Islands Centre, Peer Support, Disability Information and Support, and Chaplaincy.
CASTLE STREET
Ah, Castle. The heart of student debauchery – or is it? While the second-years of 1990 sang Queen as they rolled and torched a car, and those of the 2000s ignited riots at the Undie 500, these days, Castle Street is more exclusive and reclusive than ever. While you may be reading this blacked out (both literally and figuratively) on your way to Thirsty – don’t let the hype of Re-O fool you. The people (61.1%) have spoken: Castle Street is officially dead. Only 8.8% defended the street as alive, while the remaining 30.1% reported they didn’t know (we know you know).
As for what party street would hypothetically take over Castle’s spot, Leith Street came out on top at 46.3%, while 25.1% were in favour of Hyde Street, and 9% backed Dundas. 19.7% of students voted “none – Castle supremacy!” But in this election, Critic endorses Leith in light of the piss poor amount of open-hosts since we called out Castle last year. As nostalgic as Castle once was, the street will have to prove itself this semester before Leith overtakes them in a race more enticing than Biden versus Trump. Well, except for one second-year who commented that there should have been an option for “I don’t give two tenths of a shit.” Fair enough.
EXTRACURRICULAR
Collectively getting on the piss may be a hallmark of our student community, but extracurriculars remain a great (we’d argue the best) method of meeting likeminded friends, engaging in student life, and developing a sense of belonging here at Otago. Thus, it was great to see that 51.1% reported being involved in at least one extracurricular activity or club at Uni. Ka pai e hoa mā.
Admittedly, Critic Te Ārohi has in recent years snubbed the promotion of OUSA Clubs and Socs while simultaneously publishing melancholic pieces about the demise of student culture. But those days are gone. For the remaining 48.9% of respondents yet to dip their toes into extracurriculars, Critic encourages you to check out what's on offer this semester. There’s truly something for everyone: taekwondo, beer brewing, debating, arm wrestling, dance lessons, live music, skiing, literature clubs, and even a dermatology interest group. And hey, if you’ve got a pitch – come volunteer for us!
BEST $4 LUNCH DAY
First, we must address the elephant in the room: 69.8% of you don’t eat OUSA $4 lunches, a stat I can only support as long as it guarantees my broke ass a seat to inhale those deliciously cheap meals. Some days, of course, are considered better than others. Wednesday’s dal makhani with rice and potato curry emerged victorious, followed by Monday’s chickpeas and rice with potato and vegetables; Tuesday’s vegetable pasta with mixed salad; Friday’s mixed dahl with rice and vegetable curry; and lastly, Thursday’s vegetable soup with buns. But this Dunedin winter, a hearty soup is never a bad thing. The majority don’t know what they’re missing out on.
GOING OUT
Drafting the question “best night of the week to go out,” Critic had originally limited the nights to Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday – before being reminded that there are local pub quiz nights on Mondays and Tuesdays, and that the most hardcore breathas will still be pissing up this Re-O Sunday. Predictably, Saturday nights came out on top at 53.4%, followed by Fridays (21.4%), with Thursdays (6.4%) beating out Wednesdays’ Pint Night by a mere 0.2% difference. Monday somehow beat Tuesday by 0.2% and, to our relief, no-one picked Sunday. Because that’s diabolical.
But the next question is: for which Octagon club are worth the walk from North D? Fresher favourite Suburbia (or Subs) – upscale pizza joint by day, sticky DnB basement by night – took the win, with the largest proportion of students (21.7%) voting for it. Next came Vault 21, wracking up 14.4% of the votes, followed by Carousel (12%), Catacombs (10.8%), and Dunedin Social Club (9.1%). There was a general split of younger to older students, with the former tending to go for Subs, Vault, and Cats; while the latter stuck to Carousel and Social Club.
STUDENT
PINT GLASS THEFT
Last semester, Critic reported on klepto students nicking U-Bar pint glasses. If you missed it, U-Bar’s pint glass stock dropped from the 3000-4000 that were bought just a few years ago, to a mere 500 in April, leaving staff scratching their heads. Despite U-Bar’s preventative efforts – snatching glasses as soon as they emptied and catching attempted burglaries waddling their way out the door with curiously shaped pants – the numbers continued to dwindle. We put the question to the wider student body: “Have you stolen a pint glass from U-Bar before?” 19.9% of said yes – 200 students admitting to crime. U-Bar, let Critic staff skip the Pint Night line and the data’s yours.
FINANCIAL SUPPORT
Despite our chronically low bank balances, Uni students aren’t the most impoverished bunch. Only 21% of respondents are eligible for student allowance, a stat that reflects the majority’s affluent backgrounds (and the class barrier to higher education). As Critic reported last year, Otago students are 24 times more likely to come from schools located in the 10% wealthiest areas of New Zealand than from schools located in the poorest. Still, in the middle of a cost of living crisis, times are tight and student loans often stretch to cover the basics (especially if you’re on the upper end of the rental scale).
So how are students getting by financially? 54.3% of students in the survey have a part-time job, 125 of which having more than one job to make ends meet – fit around full-time study. Of the students in the census, 76% are supported by their parents in one way or another, most commonly for the occasional small expense (55.6%).
Parents also help their kids with: rent or hall fees (29.1%), weekly groceries (13.5%), tuition fees (12.9%), bond money (7.4%), and power bills (6.9%).
OUSA
The Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA) has often garnered confusion among students over who they are and what they do. Students’ understanding of OUSA made a near perfect bell-curve. The majority of students (35%) ranked their understanding as a three out of five; a humble 8.6% were confident that they knew OUSA completely.
As a quick refresher for the 9.9% who didn’t know at all, OUSA runs almost everything at the University outside of academia and Unipol. Through the collaboration of departments including Student Support, Clubs and Socs, marketing, events, media (Critic and Radio One), and student exec, OUSA is the heart of the student experience outside of the classroom.
OUSA EXEC
Each year, the Exec are elected by popular vote, giving student reps the power to call the shots on where OUSA directs its time and energy. While they’re supposed to represent the entire student body’s interests, student political engagement is notoriously poor these days. Of the respondents who were at Otago Uni last year, just under half voted in the elections. But considering last year’s engagement was so bad that four out of the ten positions ran uncontested – including the presidential position – that’s not too shabby. This year’s election is coming up in September, and will hopefully be a bit more exciting.
On the topic of low engagement and the student exec, Critic asked students whether they knew who their current reigning leader was. Popping down the hall to give Keegan regular updates as the results rolled in became a favourite pastime. It started off rather dire as the “no” answers dominated, despite the last issue of the magazine literally featuring her on the cover. There was a brief, glorious period of about a week when the “yes” answers triumphed. Keegan was momentarily validated that her tireless work each week for students’ benefit hasn’t gone unnoticed – only for the “yes” answers to crash and settle at 44.6%. That said, Keegan still possesses local celebrity status, if the responses to our celeb crush question is anything to go by.
POLITICAL PARTY
Continuing on last year’s census trend, a massive majority of students expressed support for the Green Party (57.8%), dwarfing the proportion of votes for Labour (11.8%) and National (9.3%). It’s unclear whether Green Party Co-Leader Chlöe Swarbrick’s Muay Thai skills contributed to her wooing the youths. We can only assume that those who voted for ACT were swayed by David Seymour’s “sexy, boy-next-door vibe” as Critic wrote in a 2018 interview, and not ACT’s attempt to steal school kid’s lunches across the motu. Critic Te Ārohi would like to formally apologise to the person who pointed out that we didn’t include TOP in the options for this question, saying, “Critic clearly aren’t proficient pollsters.” Although, 11 of you were bright enough to use the “other” option as a way around this.
Given the left-leaning voting intentions of students, it
WHICH POLITICAL PARTY DO YOU SUPPORT/VOTE FOR?
The Opportunities Party
It’s
whether Party Chloe Muay contributed wooing
FAVE CONTENT
With thirteen issues under our belt, there was a lot to choose from when we asked what your favourite Critic content has been this year. And what we learned is that students are nothing if not predictable: you like sex, drugs, puzzles, and horoscopes (winning the fave column with 32.5% of the votes).
Overwhelmingly, ‘The Great Critic Drug Review’ written by the mysterious Boba Ket took the crown for the People’s Choice Award. One person said it was “so sick reading it while high was trippy asf”. Another student said they found it to be so informative that it stopped them from doing acid. The drugs issue also took the win
swear we didn’t fake, 69.6% of you cuties read Critic weekly
whetherunclearGreen Party Co-Leader Chloe Swarbrick’s Muay Thai skills contributed to her wooing the youths
Critic Te Ārohi loves serving the tea, and always aims to amuse. However, students pick up Critic not only to be entertained, but also to be informed on the issues that matter. While the drug review clearly came out on top, we were pleasantly surprised at the consistent love for serious and long-form articles. This year, Critic has put our journalism skills to the test, writing about Palestinian protests, ‘Castle Capitalism’, law-breking Law students, drink spiking, and the pitfalls of the birth control pill –among others. Credit where credit is due: your attention spans are better than we’d hoped!
Finally, no survey is complete without a healthy dose of slander in the comment section. The moans and groans we copped ranged from people telling us to step up our game, pointing to “mid” Snaps, to fix the typos in the crosswords, and some variation of “don’t read that shit” (notably a quote from an ACT party voter). We love you, too.
Whew, that was a lot of information. To recap: this year’s census proved the most reflective of the student body so far, representing the diverse population here at Otago Uni. While most of you agree that Castle Street is dead and that there is just something so sexy about Paul Mescal’s short-shorts, the Uni’s rebrand and the best way to get high were some of the divisive topics. The census shows that most of you are putting in the mahi, studying and attending lectures and working towards a certain career (and still enjoying going out on the weekend). Ka pai! Lastly, thanks for engaging with our content – both short- and long-form – and to everyone who contributed to the 2024 Critic Census. We promise we won’t sell your data xoxo
By Hanna Varrs
AGE: 21 (turning 22 soon!)
OCCUPATION: DeliveryEasy Carbon Accountant
STAR SIGN: Leo (swoon)
DEGREE: BSc in Energy Management, BCom in Finance
CELEBRITY CRUSH: “I lowkey don’t have one.” That’s a green flag, if we’ve ever heard one HIS FRIENDS DESCRIBE HIM AS: Adventurous, extroverted, and cares about people
LAST STI CHECK: The start of this year (“Nothing to be worried about!”)
SEXUALITY: Bisexual
FAVOURITE SEX POSITION: Missionary, but always ready to explore in and out of the bedroom ;)
Joel Tebbs is your 2024 Critic Bachelor. This multitalented, 5'11”-and-a-half hunk of a man will be going on a series of group and single dates over the coming issues, whittling down eight singles to find his one true love. In his quest, Joel’s looking for somebody with a great sense of humour, confidence in themselves, and passion for fitness (gym buddy anyone?). Does this sound like you or a single friend you wanna chuck under the love-bus? Applying is as easy as staring into his big brown eyes. Read on to find out how!
It was a little hard for Critic Te Ārohi to pin Joel down for an interview – we struggled to find a time to suit. Was he playing hard to get? Was he already horrendously emotionally unavailable? Fears were soothed when he revealed that he’d actually been out of cell service, on a hike. It’s a well-known fact that a man unattached to his phone and unphased due to lack of service becomes a good 15% hotter. I was intrigued. We settled for a Zoom call for our initial interview.
Even through the pixelation and shitty audio, Joel’s charm shone through. He has a great smile, one that makes you feel like you’ve said something witty. There’s a rustic look about him, perhaps reflective of his outdoorsy nature – he looks capable, and like someone you’d want on your side in a zombie apocalypse. Joel’s the treasurer of both the Otago Tramping Club and Investing Club, proving he’s got the brains to go with his brawn. He’s even got a bigboy job with DeliverEasy as a carbon accountant, showing off his ability to make use of his degree despite still being at university. This man’s going places!
Running his hand through his perfectly tousled, curly brown hair, we began to talk business. Asked what he thinks makes him attractive, he said that he’s been referred to as a “go-getter”. “I’m willing to put myself out there, try new things, and enjoy them.” His ideal first date would be a classic dinner, followed by a
cheeky trip to the beach. If you’re lucky enough to make it past the first date, Joel said camping would make for the ideal romantic getaway. The promise of a morning brew sweetened the deal, owing to his step-brothers having gifted him a portable coffee machine due to a crippling caffeine addiction. Having a sudden lightbulb moment, Joel circled back to what he wants in a partner. “Someone I can go to the sauna with. People from all walks of life go there. I’ve made two lifelong friends from the sauna.” Honestly, if I had to describe what dating Joel might be like based on what he’s told me, I’d say: “Fun.”
Fair warning, there’s a few things that may make you unsuitable for our Bachelor. He admitted that he’s got a few turn-offs, including a “negative outlook on the world” and a “lack of curiosity”. Most notably, he hates gaming. “It’s a waste of time,” he said. When asked if he’d play something like Mario-Kart for pre-drinks at the flat, he shrugged and told us that he’d prefer to “sit there and chat”. Could this be a dealbreaker for our singles? Stay tuned to find out.
While Joel is admittedly “not a big consumer of reality TV”, if he had to be on a show other than The Bachelor, he reckoned he’d do alright on Love Island He revealed that he would definitely “lean into the drama” and would really play to the audience. He smiled cheekily: “You’re on reality TV for a reason, right?” He’s got a playfulness about him.
But unlike the singles of Love Island, Joel doesn’t have any specific “type” that he usually goes for. This is reflected in his lack of a celebrity crush; it’s just not on brand for him. “I just feel like narrowing it down to a type isn’t that productive. I haven’t had a huge amount of long-term relationships, but none of them fit into one particular type.” Instead, he tends to gravitate toward the type of people he feels comfortable around and feels as if he can engage in similar hobbies with.
When asked what he wants out of Critic Bachelor, he revealed that he wants “true love”, before continuing that he’s “so happy to see where this goes. I’m just happy to meet some people and would love to see a relationship out of it. It’d be such a great way to meet someone.” That’s how Joel is. You really can’t go wrong with him. Best case scenario, you stay together forever and have tons of kids. Worst case, you’ll probably have a friend for life and invite him to your wedding. He’s that sort of guy.
If Joel sounds like your cup of tea and you are second-year or above, apply to criticbachelor@critic. co.nz with your full name, student ID, and 100-200 words introducing yourself and why you think you should be in the running to find true love with our bachelor (video submissions welcome).
ENTRIES CLOSE 21ST JULY.
WEDNESDAY 17 JULY
THURSDAY 18 JULY
FRIDAY 19 JULY
THE BEATNIKS CATACOMBS NIGHTCLUB w/ Jam Henderson and Leo Lilley. Tickets from flicket.co.nz. 10pm.
PULL THE PLUG THE CROWN HOTEL
Featuring Splinter, Black Mould, Give Up, and Red Hearing. $15. 7.30pm.
REGGAE VIBES THE CROWN HOTEL 7pm. $5.
HA THE UNCLEAR - 'A KINGDOM IN A CUL-DE-SAC' TOUR PEARL DIVER Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz. 8pm.
KEIRA WALLACE - 'LEAP/LANDING' SINGLE RELEASE YOURS w/ Leigham Fitzpatrick and Jesse Hanan. Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz. 7.30pm. All ages.
HA THE UNCLEAR - 'A KINGDOM IN A CUL-DESAC' TOUR (ALL AGES MATINEE SHOW) PEARL DIVER Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz. 5pm. All ages. ELI SUPERFLYY - 'MOTOR' ALBUM RELEASE TOUR THE CROWN HOTEL Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz. 9pm.
TO ME T. G. Shand (NZ) - Scenes 1 Marlin's Dreaming (NZ) - Hello My Dear No. 8 last week | 2 weeks in chart
Dobbo (NZ) - WHY DOES DONK DO
Ani Saafa is the brainchild of prominent Dunedin musicians Logan Edwards (he/him) and Stanley Barbazon (he/him). Supported by Jakira Brophy (she/ her) and Erik Dekker (he/him) on bass and drums respectively, the indiepop-grunge band has made a great impact on the scene with their new EP ‘Phonetics’. Critic Te Ārohi chatted to the band in the green room of U-Bar about the EP, gigs, and their influences.
The band’s prime songwriter is Stanley, who often comes up with lyrics and melodies with the acoustic guitar. “I take it to Logan to see if it’s any good and then we develop it from there once we have the bare bones of the song,” says Stanley. At the end of 2022, the band started to jam and got a gig at the Dunedin Social Club right as they were starting to do their own Pint Nights. “I emailed them on a whim just seeing if I could get a gig and luckily it lined up. We played there a couple of times and it was a good start.”
The band continued to play U-Bar and other venues, even extending to the stadium. “I was just emailing everyone and it worked out,” says Stanley. The band also managed to open for Ōtepoti legends L. Hotel after bassist Dave Borrie heard their music and, impressed, reached out to help give the budding band a leg-up. “They’re all really smart dudes, they've been doing it for a while,” says Stanley.
Stanley and Logan take their influences from early 2000s indie, such as Arctic Monkeys and The Strokes, as well as classic ‘60s rock such as Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix. The band even does a cover of Hendrix’s ‘Foxy Lady’, as well as other classic pop songs like ‘Lost’ by Frank Ocean and ‘Lay All Your Love On Me’ by ABBA that are always a hit at Pint Nights. “We wanted to do songs that were popular and we liked but making it our more grunge kind of sound,” says Stanley.
Ani Saafa has recently released their EP ‘Phonetics’, a four-track project including the single ‘Waste It’ which managed to top the Student Radio Network Top 10. They also released a music video for the single, directed by Radio One’s promotion and content coordinator Lily Knowles, which currently has over a thousand views on YouTube. Speaking about the sound of the EP, Stanley says, “It’s a spectrum of pop to our harder sound, so it means everyone will have a song they like and it’s just the stuff we like to make. Helps us send stuff to radio stations, too.”
The band is currently on tour, playing shows across the motu, including Ōtautahi Christchurch, Tāmaki Makaurau Auckland, Pōneke Wellington, Wānaka, and Tāhuna Queenstown. The band will wrap up the tour at U-Bar in Ōtepoti this Thursday, July 18th. While the shows have been going well so far in Auckland, Wellington, and Christchurch (the latter selling out), the rest of the tour has had more than its fair share of challenges. “We brought up an Xbox 360 but forgot the power plug,” says a glum Stanley. The band scouted Facebook Marketplace but were unsuccessful. “That was the first of many low blows,” adds Logan.
The band also had to deal with car troubles, malfunctions and failures, leaving them stranded in Auckland. The group was forced to splash out on a rental van to make their way home. “We are holding out for the finale […] playing Dunedin is like nowhere else. You can’t really top it,” says Stanley. A fruit plate did briefly help to lift their spirits, though.
You can catch Ani Saafa at U-Bar on the 18th of July and stream their music on all streaming services. Follow them on Instagram @ani_saafa_ to keep up
By Jordan Irvine
FOR:
So you got on the piss and lost your wallet. The only person at fault here is you. You should learn to take better care of your shit – and what better way to learn this lesson than to have to pay for your belongings’ safe return for the humble price of a box? It’s not uncommon to offer payment for lost items. Just think of the amounts offered by the owners of lost pets, or police for wanted criminals. The person who’s posted on Facebook with your ID (nice pic btw) is doing you a favour, and it’s only fair to show a bit of gratitude for once in your life.
The process of being forced to exchange a box for the return of some possession is also likely to be humbling. In this humbling experience, you can gain an understanding of the true dog-eat-dog nature of the North Dunedin free market. This in turn will hopefully turn you into a more responsible person who doesn't lose their wallet. There are of course more direct and easier paths towards becoming more responsible, but who are we kidding? You're a student drinking in North D.
The cost of a box is relatively small compared to the prospect of replacing your lost items. If you are feeling particularly resentful about the prospect of handing over a box, just think: no one’s specifying what kind of box. You could always make it a box of Vodka Cruisers. That way, both sides walk away feeling ripped off. Equality, baby.
And as much as you like to moan about it, the idea of demanding a box of alcohol for the return of someone's student ID is just objectively funny. It's something that will only happen in Dunedin, and it's relatively benign compared to our other so-called “traditions”.
AGAINST:
It's the Sunday morning of Re-O Week. You wake up dusty and, in need of a Powerade and a pie, you’re already halfway out the door headed to the Dundas dairy when you realise you've lost your wallet. Stressful hours go by as you attempt to retrace your steps from the previous night, until finally you receive a Facebook notification – one of your friends has tagged you in a post. “Found on Castle, box on return,” it reads.
Faced with the unenviable choice of a returned wallet for the price of a box, or leaving the fate of your wallet to the good graces of a random North D breatha, most people will choose the former. The question remains: is this truly a fair deal? Of course not.
Most students (rich JAFAs living on Castle excluded) aren’t in the most stable financial situation. While a box isn't an enormous cost, it's still an expense that could otherwise be avoided. Forcing people to pay to reclaim their own possessions is just plain shitty, and the naming and shaming of these people on Facebook does little to improve their situation. And lowkey, it’s theft. You're holding someone's possessions hostage for a small gain.
Lastly, it’s a self-perpetuating cycle that, by engaging with, you're likely to be burnt by later down the track. When you’ve got a population of students pissing up together on a regular basis, it’s inevitable that personal belongings will become lost in the process. By demanding a box for the return of a wallet or ID, you’re not being very neighbourly. And by the way, if it's just a lost ID, the cost of replacing it will be cheaper than buying a box. You may also retain a shred of dignity that way.
SHOULD STUDENTS
ADEMAND BOX RETURNON ?
Serves: 4
Time: 1 hr
Price: $
Difficulty: 3/5
FISH CAKES
I don't know about you, but I am always on the hunt for a cheap source of protein. Tinned fish is an affordable and tasty way to get a bit of variation and protein into your diet. This week's fish cake recipe uses tinned tuna in a way that brings a bit of summery freshness to your plate. Enjoy this recipe for a quick weeknight dinner your flatties will love and fuel those brains for a big shift in semester two!
Ingredients:
2 185g tins smoked flavour tuna (drained)
5 medium sized potatoes (diced)
2 cloves garlic (peeled)
1 red onion (finely diced)
1 cup parsley (finely sliced)
1 Tbsp lemon zest
1 tsp Dijon mustard
1 Tbsp capers (finely chopped)
1 cup breadcrumbs or flour Salt
optional
Instructions:
By Ruby Hudson
around a small handful
Step 1. On a high heat, bring a large pot of water to a boil then add the diced potatoes and garlic. Boil for approx. 15 mins or until
Drain potatoes and garlic, then mash until smooth. Set aside
Step 3. Once the mash is slightly cooled, add the tuna, red onion, parsley, lemon zest, Dijon mustard, capers and a generous amount of salt and pepper.
Step 4. Mix the mash and other ingredients until combined.
Step 5. On a medium/high heat, add a Tbsp of oil to a large frying pan and preheat.
Step 6. Shape the mixture into patties and then roll in breadcrumbs/flour until coated lightly.
Step 7. Fry the fish cakes in your hot pan until the top and bottom are brown and crispy. This will take about 15 minutes on each side.
Step 8. Serve hot with a sprinkle of salt and enjoy with a lemon wedge!
be patient! When the fish cakes are cooked, they will become loose from the pan. Don't flip too early or they will stick!
By CHUNNY Bill Swilliams CLASSIC
It’s been argued that Steinlager is New Zealand's beer. It's what defines us as Kiwis compared to the god awful beers that Australia produces. Steinlager is like Speights' older cousin who lives in Auckland; a bit more classy, but punishing whenever they speak. After tasting, we can agree that it is the JAFA of all beers. People may say “you need to have beer ice cold to enjoy it,” but please stop lying to yourself. Having a Steinlager ice cold or lukewarm won't matter, it will still taste like cheap sparkling Fiji water.
The hypothesis is that because they sponsor the All Blacks, it therefore must be good, right? Wrong. This is a classic marketing swindle. Just as eating Weet-Bix won’t put you on the starting line-up of the All Blacks, no amount of Steiny will either. They don’t even come with sick rugby cards. Just because you drink ten of them watching your kid play Under 11s Rugby, that doesn’t mean you’re gonna be the next Richie Mccaw. I’m talking to your middle-aged men from South Otago who think “if i didn't do my ACL I’d be the next All Black.” Cut your losses, mate. Despite the crowd that gathers when drinking Steinys, it doesn't prove that bad of a taste compared to the Export Golds of the world.
Steinlager may be the perfect beer to drink when it's a hot summer day due to the overwhelming sparkling water taste. It has the refreshing vibe that could potentially cure a hangover on Boxing Day after
too many mimosas and a rough game of backyard cricket. Although, after a couple of these notes of Clutha river tap water become apparent, so proceed with caution. Steinlager is the ultimate dad drink. It reeks of good drunk chats and early folds. It's a beer that your old man would offer to you when you were 13 and had never tried alcohol. Like, sure I'm gonna take it, but I'm definitely not going to enjoy it or drink it ever again. Shot dad.
Bringing a refreshing taste to the beer market, it stands out from the crowd and is something that is much needed after the feared RTD takeover. Although what does spark problems is the price, my god. When trotting along to the liquor store my eyes started to roam the gutters for loose change because Steinlager Classic sits at a steep $51 for a 24 pack. So if you're ready to fork out your supermarket shopping budget for a box of these, be prepared with disappointment because they taste a bit shit, followed by a sore head in the morning.
PAIRS WELL WITH: An All Blacks victory X factor: Spicy Fiji water
CHUGABILITY: 5/10
TASTE RATING: 7/10
PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS
Kia ora koutou, haere mai, and welcome back suckers
The dawn breaks, the Ori is Re’d, and the Student Executive is back in full swing to make your lives better. What the hell does the Exec do, you ask? Let me explain.
The Exec governs OUSA. We’re a group of students who get paid to make your lives better, whether you realise it or not. We set out strategy, policy, and general vibes for the entirety of OUSA. We focus on the “way things should be” through lobbying, campaigns, and open discussions with the big wigs at the University.
We sit on a bunch of committees and boards throughout the University to provide feedback where it counts. Your Equity and Welfare Rep sits on the Student Health Board. International Rep and Vice President sit on the Staff and Student Advisory Group to the Vice Chancellor. Academic Rep on a Committee for Advancement of Learning and Teaching. I sit on quite a few, including Council, the highest governing board of the
University. We collect all the whispers we hear from friends, clubs, and pass it along to make the student experience better in every way possible.
Another core part of our jobs are campaigns. The Executive is launching the closed caption lecture recordings policy campaign, which would help internationals, disabled, and people who work to provide for themselves or their families. Keep an eye out for the feedback form that’ll come through your email inbox shortly, as well as for a few protests coming to a campus near you this semester!
I love this job and can’t stress how much the rest of the Executives do as well. Check out the summary of our second quarterly reports in the news section if you’re curious to learn more about what we’ve been up to. We love feedback on everything, even if the referendum feedback only refers to the fact I’m an American with slight dictator tendencies. I’ll take that or other feedback –president@ousa.org.nz or 03 479 5339 x
AQUARIUS
You need some flaws to stop seeming like an absolute bot. The new moon moving into Cancer holds a metaphorical mirror up to your face and says, “It’s your time to take a big long look at the person you are and stop being so damn perfect.”
New semester, new habit: Washing your feet in the shower
Aries
Your ‘crack-head energy’ (cringed typing this) is taking its toll on your relationships, romantic and platonic. Unless you like the idea of buying soup for one cans for dinner at the age of 45, pretend to be a normal fucking person for once in your goddamn life.
New semester, new habit: Monthly sheetwashing (at least)
Gemini
Your emotions are valid, and even when you feel a little stupid about shedding tears over the little things, bottling all your feelings up causes pimples! Get on the phone and talk it out with the people you love most – they miss you too.
New semester, new habit: Emptying your vacuum of hair
Leo
It’s been a rough year, Leo. You know it, I know it, and lord knows your therapist knows it. The stars are lining up for a big 180 this week, so hold onto your five panel cap and jorts, and charge into the week with a smile.
New semester, new habit: Making
Libra
Your relationships have been suffering while you’ve been in this funk. Fix it by finding a mutual enemy and bonding over your disdain for them. It may be toxic, but boy is it fun!
New semester, new habit: Cleaning out your fridge’s rotting veggie drawer
Sagittarius
It’s not shameful to be addicted to silly little things, but it is shameful to let them rule your life. Wanting a fizzy drink is fine but being willing to go into overdraft for it is a little extreme. Remember: you are stronger than your cravings.
New semester, new habit: Clearing out your email inbox
Pisces
You spent your break lazing around and mooching off those around you, and your semester will continue like that. At least pretend to get dressed, though, otherwise your mum will worry that you are “wasting your precious youth”... whatever the fuck that means.
New semester, new habit: Bi-weekly mouldcleaning party
Taurus
It’s time to take notice of your finances. That “money comes and goes, but memories are forever” mindset will land you in some terrible places where your friends can afford mozzarella, while you barely scrape the barrel for plastic cheese.
New semester, new habit: Not going to KFC every time you drive past
Cancer
Cancer, Mars (the planet, not the chocolate bar) is giving you the energy to get out there and talk to new people. Spending time outside of your flat will lower your chances of pneumonia by 79.99%, fax no printer.
New semester, new habit: Replacing your toothbrush (please)
Virgo
I sense a rather hefty power bill coming your way this month. Maybe think about cutting your Pint Night pint quota down to three a week, just to scrape a few more dollars together.
New semester, new habit: Getting enough fiber in your diet, constipation is no joke
Scorpio
Open your laptop, start up Sims, and let the good times roll. Uni isn’t that serious, but the Sims grind is.
New semester, new habit: Learn to read (if only to read Critic Te Ārohi)
Capricorn
Socks aren’t like bras and t-shirts, it’s a wear once and wash kind of situation. Also don’t let them marinate in your laundry hamper for weeks on end until the smell radiates out of your room and into communal spaces. Please.
New semester, new habit: Drinking more water than alcohol
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