Men’s Secret Wants & Desires The World You Were Never Taught You know the feeling - those butterflies in your gut. You feel a bit nervous and excited at the same time. You find your thoughts are fleeting and hard to pin down. Your heart races and feel a bit sweaty, but everything is wrapped in a euphoric ribbon in a jungle of unrealistically clean and friendly animals around you and the world just seems a bit brighter and happier. The world is alright and you’re in love. We’ve all experienced it. Sometimes it led to nothing, but if you’re reading this, it most likely led to a longterm relationship. But unfortunately, life is not a movie and there’s no happy-ever-after. I hope your relationship has been filled with lots of love and laughter. I really do. But I know if you’ve been in your relationship for a while, you’ve come across a place that feels more like a desert - barren, dry, quiet, and unexciting. And you longingly thought about those butterfly feelings again. It’s ok to admit it. It’s only natural. It feels good and we like what feels good. That’s why good romcoms are always a hit even with their predictable plots. While they don’t offer a huge variety in terms of plots, they temporarily give us those butterfly feelings until we need the next fix. By the way, if you haven’t watched Korean dramas, you really should. They have mastered and fine tuned the romcom formula like no one else. Just be careful not to get hooked and go binge watching … too often. I’m going to share with you some secrets about men I’ve learned over the years and some straightforward “wants” shared with me by some of the men in my life. Looking at men through these secrets will make you have a lot more of those ah-ha moments that, in the past, were mysteries. Before I get into the list, let me just say this up front. It’s the single biggest mistake I see from both men and women. And I think it’s responsible for so many breakups and heartaches than we can imagine. So what is this earth shattering single biggest mistake? It’s thinking that great relationships just happen. Think about this for a second. You may not have thought it consciously, but may have believed it to be true.
When you want a better body, what do you do? You work for it. When you want a cleaner house, what do you do? You work for it. When you want a better job, what do you do? You work for it. Everything good you could want comes through work. Everything. No exceptions. We all want things to be easy. That’s human nature. But we know that to actually get it, it takes work. That’s what differentiates adults from children. Wanting good relationships to be easy is one thing, but why do we expect it to be so? Personally, I think a lot of this is caused by the movies and other popular media where great relationships just seem to happen and fall into your lap ready for cuddling – hence the magic of romcoms. But they can make you think that if it doesn’t happen magically and automatically, it’s not true love or that it’s somehow less desirable. That’s like wanting better body and expecting it while eating chocolate all day… … or wanting cleaner house and expecting it to clean itself while you live like a pig… … or wanting a better job and expecting someone to just give it to you for no reason. Can you see how ridiculous this is? Let me say this again. It’s ok to want these things. We all do. But don’t expect it to happen. That’s when you get disappointed and discouraged. And when you’re discouraged, it will affect your whole life including relationships. If you want something to improve, you have to put work into it. Ok, that’s my personal pet peeve. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into the men’s heads and find out their real secret desires they won’t tell you because often they won’t even know themselves. How is that possible? From what I can gather, it seems like a lot of this is hardwired into their brain and the way they think, feel, or perceive the world. Knowing these will be like finally finding that darn remote control instruction booklet and knowing that all those buttons actually do. •
SECRET #1: Men want to be admired or respected
This is important because it’s often the driving force for a lot of men. Now, these terms mean a lot of different things for different men so you have to figure it out with yours. Most women first think that this is about ego. That’s not true. Rather than stroking his ego, it’s more about him feeling accepted and approved by you the way he is and for the things he’s good at. This is such a fundamental secret that all women need to know. If you’re constantly cutting him down or ridiculing him or ignoring his opinions, then you have little chance of making things any better. Actually, if you are like this with your man, perhaps you should rethink your whole
relationship and whether you belong together. Yes, it’s that serious. You cannot be with a partner that you don’t respect and he certainly doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment either. When a man feels admired or at least respected, there is a shift in his whole being. He stands a little taller, he is more confident, he becomes more protective of you, he becomes more attentive, and a whole host of other benefits. This is because he feels understood and feels like he belongs in your clan of two. And as you know, sense of belonging is a basic human need. Show him that respect him and his thoughts/feelings/opinions and role as your man without being patronizing or sarcastic. •
SECRET #2: Men want to make their women happy
Assuming that he feels the approval and acceptance by you for the way he is, almost nothing will give him more pleasure than to see you happy. And if he feels that he can do it, even better. Think of little boys and how they go to lengths to make their mothers happy. It’s rather very similar in that way. They see you as the woman and will go lengths to see you happy. Of course, if you’re just happy, they’ll be good with that. But if they can do something and make you happier from their efforts, the reward is that much greater and enjoyable for them. Yes, for them. And they’ll want to do it again and again and again. In case you’re wondering, this applies to both in and out of the bedroom. Ah-hem… If you are constantly finding that he's defensive or appear to lack the desire to please you, it may be that he’s decided (even if it’s unconsciously) that there’s nothing he can do to make you happy or that what he does doesn’t count (see SECRET #1). And, therefore, there’s no need for any further effort. Be on the lookout for when he does anything even remotely close to what makes you happy. Then, catch him on those moments and let him know. A couple of warnings: Don’t try to change him into what you want him to be (I’ll explain below) and don’t give false compliments or empty words. Just a genuine smile or hug or light kiss will do. Unless you mean to, don’t equate your being happy with being sexual. Trust me, you don’t want that kind of association. •
SECRET #3: Men want to be the boss
Before you misunderstand, let me clarify. This isn’t about being your boss or bossing you around. It’s about feeling in control of themselves, their circumstance, and environment. The primal instinct of men honed for the safety and survival of their family unit still controls them
today. It gives them a sense of security and solid base from which to extend and take risks. All this means is that a man who feels in control is a self-assured and confident man. Of course, there are many possible reasons for lack of confidence and self-doubt, but this is definitely worth a look. If your man tends to lack confidence, it may be that he’s feeling threatened or insecure about his circumstances, abilities, or self. And this may be tied to his work environment, your finances, his relationships, early life experiences, or feedbacks he’s receiving or have received consistently as these can all affect one’s self image negatively. One thing that seems to help is focusing on a small task that he can control and seeing how he has the ability to affect the outcome of a given situation. When repeated, the sense of control and security may across over to other more general circumstances. And while it may seem odd, it can help immensely with practice. The more he practices, the more natural that feeling of control and confidence will feel to him. And that allows him to tap into those feelings more easily. When a man feels more in control and confident, it can affect everything about him from his posture, to tonality of voice, choice of words, speech fluency, body language, and yes, even his libido. To take an extreme example, a man fearing for his life doesn’t have the mental leisure to think of love. But a man who is confident and in control has enough room in his mind to get his life in order, take charge, and also about love. As you can imagine, this ties in quite closely with SECRET #2. •
SECRET #4: Men want stability
Did you know that in a sense, an argument equals fight for survival for men? Men have been hardwired to fight to win because their survival depended on it whether it was to win food or to protect himself and his family from attacks. That may be why men love fighting sports; maybe it awakens their primal sense of violence. On the other hand, most men dislike actual fights as it can feel too threatening. To watch it in sports and get a rush of adrenaline is one thing, but to actually feel the pressure and the fight or flight response is quite another. And in a way, even a verbal fight or fight with their loved one can be subconsciously
interpreted in this way. They can absolutely feel threatened by an argument. Perhaps not physically, but their sense of certainty and stability can quickly degenerate after a harsh fight. For that reason, for most men, fights tend to turn into a competition that they must win nearly at any cost and the ultimate end goal. They can quickly forget the reason for the fight in the first place and seek ways they can win the argument for good. It’s not that they are unintelligent or lack perspective. It’s programmed into their being to protect themselves and their loved ones. Another behavior often seen are men who become very quiet during arguments. This may be more of an avoidance behavior designed to prevent the loss of control (see SECRET #3) over themselves or the situation. The recommendation for this is very common sense. Keep cool during arguments. Take a break to regain a bigger perspective and discuss things in a calmer way. By not raising your voices and calmly talking about the issues at hand, you’ll help your man from slipping into a fight or flight mode or from turning it into a must-win-competition. •
SECRET #5: Men don’t like high maintenance women
This shouldn’t come as a surprise but many women miss this because many men will never tell you to your face if you are high maintenance. If you find that you’re getting rolling eyes, sighing, or he accuse you of nagging, here is what you should consider doing next. You should BE your own woman. It's great to be a couple but make sure to keep your own identity as an individual first. Don’t get me wrong. Men love it when they can do something for you and can see that it makes you happy (remember they are more visual), but it’s a fine line away from them feeling like they have to do everything for you or that you’re incapable of doing things on your own. At that point, you begin to feel like deadweight. As a general rule of thumb, do things on your own. And when you do ask for something, always make sure to show him your gratitude. Yes, these are common sense things we learned as children but you’d be surprised just how many people I’ve come across who don’t do these simple things. •
SECRET #6: Men want freedom
Why is this important? It is because not having the freedom to do what they really want and be themselves can make them feel like prisoners in the relationship and see you as the warden.. This can come in many varieties. They could feel pressured to: - Not hang out with certain friends - Avoid certain activities that they previously enjoyed (games, TV, movies, etc…)
The general theme here is that you don’t want to be seen as the person who is taking away what they previously enjoyed. If that’s what’s happening, they will end up associating you with the unpleasant feelings. And if that accumulates enough, it could tip the scale against you… The two exceptions to this rule for me are health and looks. Health: Because it’s obviously too important and they know it; and usually don’t hold grudge because they know it’s for their own health. Looks: Because everyone wants to look good; just make sure to just let him be when he’s relaxing at home or with friends. Unless it’s a couple social gathering with those in the “acquaintance” or “associate” level of circles, let him be himself. You may need to think about this a bit because so many of us do this without thinking. It almost comes naturally. Men, it seems on the other hand, don’t demand or show disapproval about their women too much in general. Perhaps that’s the unspoken rule in the world of men. When you accept someone, you do so the way they are and don’t impose your wish on someone else. Of course, I’m talking about the general male population in regards to their relationships. This is obviously not true in all levels of life. The best "next step" you should take with this is to let him be who he is and love him for that alone. Let him do the things he really likes without judgment if they don't negatively impact others or the relationship, and love him regardless. If he’s been brewing feelings of resentment for some time (and he will if he felt like his freedom was being taken away), it may be a while before he starts to change or actually believe the change will stick. But when he does accept it, he will be so much more happier and trusting and invested in the relationship because he feels accepted and gets a sense of belonging with you. •
SECRET #7: Men want women with interests outside of the relationships
This is somewhat tied to the #5. Being an independent woman entails that you have things to do outside of the relationship. Doing things for yourself and having things to do that you enjoy outside of the relationship gives tremendous mental and emotional relief to your man. The reason is simply because without those, you cling to the relationship as your main source of joy and excitement. And that is a huge strain on him when he feels like he is solely responsible for your happiness. The truth is, no one is responsible for your happiness but you.
We all know this, but we unknowingly often put that responsibility and expectation on our men and pay for it later dearly. Also tied with #6, it gives him the freedom he craves and gives him the sense that he’s helping you enjoy your freedom as well by not keeping you bound only to the relationship as your only source of enjoyment. And that actually can give him great satisfaction because they love to make their women happy (see SECRET #2).
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SECRET #8: The sexiest part of a woman
The media tells us that men are sex-crazed animals often looking for meaningless sexual encounters with any pretty face. We are told over and over that they love nothing more than (pick a body part) on a woman. But this isn’t really true. Yes, they love sex. Yes, they have their favorite women’s body parts. But that’s really no different than women. What the media forget to tell us is something so fundamental that most of us forget it too. They need to like the person first. Without a connection of some sort, it’s very hard for a man to want to have sex with a woman. For example, a man could see a sexy young woman with a smoking hot body, but if she’s always frowning or seems angry, I can almost guarantee you that he will be turned off. Think about it. Isn’t this true for you? If you weren’t in a relationship and saw a good-looking man with a hot body, would you want him? There is a good chance you might. But what if he was always frowning or angry about something? Most people instinctively want to stay away from negative people. That’s why you see models smiling in all the advertisements. Because we’re attracted to happy people. In other words, the sexiest part of a woman to a man is her smile. It lets him see that you’re happy (SECRET #2). It makes you more attractive and makes him want to be around you and with you. It makes him happy to be your man. If you want your man to smile and your relationship to be happier, start by smiling more often.
Final Words & My Recommenda7on That wraps up the top secrets of men I’ve discovered over the years. I hope you’ve found them helpful and insightful. Please keep this e-book with you and refer back to it often. These are the more general ideas on what men want, but if you want something that’s a lot more specific and concrete, I will recommend another e-book below. It’s made a big impact on my relationship and quite a few people I know. I have recommended it to a lot of other women I met on the web who asked me for help and have heard great feedback as well. What makes this book different from all the other relationship books I’ve read in the past is that it’s like a recipe book. Do this – get that. It’s not a book filled with general ideas (like this article), but instead it’s filled with color-by-number type of techniques that trigger automatic biological responses hardwired into the brain. Phew, that’s a mouthful to say. What do I mean by this? Well, I can’t give the book away, but I’ll give you a few quick examples. Did you know that when you are talking with a man and he glances at your lips, you automatically think about sex? It may not be overt or naughty like you may first believe, but it brings it up in the back of the mind. I don’t quite remember the science behind it but seems to be true when I think of it. And there is an eye trick/technique you can learn to do easily – because you already know it and do it without knowing – that will make the man feel love from you almost instantly. And as you know, feeling loved is the first and fastest way to be in love. It’s based on the fact that when you are in love, this particular thing happens with your eyes. So, you just mimic the qualities and the man instantly perceives it albeit perhaps unconsciously. The astonishing thing is that this reaction is automatic and biologically hardwired into our brains. Some call it instinct. We pick up certain signals and just have a gut feeling without knowing the rationale behind it. We just feel it – a gut level response. This book is filled with techniques like this that directly tap into our hardwired instincts. Do this – get that kind of, shall I say, love recipe book? I highly recommend you give it a read. If you’re interested, you can pick up your own copy of Respark the Romance here. Or if you would like, read my review of the book with a testimonial from a friend of mine who used it on her boyfriend and was amazed at his response.