Restless: Issue Blue by David Crummey

Restless

February 2011 â&#x20AC;&#x201D; For Adult Eyes Only

passion. writing. naughty bits. art. inspiration. reviews. east valley.

An Arts Anthology

RESTLESS: An Arts Anthology info@restlessanthology.com — Fan us on Facebook!

www.RestlessAnthology.com RESTLESS is purely a work of love . If you liked this issue and would like to see it continue, please consider contributing, purchasing advertising space or making a donation. If you’re done with this issue, pass it along or leave it on a park bench or in a coffee shop somewhere—anywhere awesome people can be found. Maybe even a rest stop bathroom. Awesome people have functions too. Fonts Used by RESTLESS:

Titles Sloppy Ink by Mortal Turtle Foundry Text Thyromanes by Herman Miller

Cover: Proxy - Shayne of the Dead

RESTLESS: An Arts Anthology RESTLESS is an arts anthology with the expressed goal of expanding and connecting the Arts community in and around the East Valley. The anthology encourages submissions of exceptional new material from the world over, with a strong emphasis on those located in the East Valley. Original artwork, fiction, experimental fiction, non-fiction, reviews of artsy-doings, events, comics, well-written opinion, and other creative works that translate well to the printed form are welcome. Submissions can be sent to submissions@restlessanthology.com.

www.RestlessAnthology.com RESTLESS: Issue Blue was produced by: Her Majesty the Pirate Queen, Amber Brosovich, Duchess of Pretty Things Lord Admiral David Crummey, Vizier of Asking Awkward Questions Special Agent Owen Stupka, Assistant to the Assistant Devil’s Advocate

In This Issue: The Goods WTF IS THIS The Restless Crew Vacation Remnants Pretley Sanders

ii. 1

Guttermouth R-Chi London

Eye love You Rhia Hobkirk

Contributors Official Business

Index of Images St. Cherie Shayne Bohner

iii.

Secret Shayne Bohner

St. Cecelia Shayne Bohner

Spider Shayne Bohner

Bloooop Jenny Fontana

Candy Shayne Bohner

Zombie Girl David Wiersch

My Baby Shot Me Down El Vaquero Muerto Jackieâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Tragic Fantasy Jenny Fontana

12 Back

Individual works remain the sole-property of the author and are used by permission. This issue is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution / Share Alike License. http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

WTF IS THIS So. This is our Chernobyl. Waterloo? Something. This is our one-of-a-kind experiment to see if we can put out some racier material in a place like the East Valley without anyone setting us on fire. We get submissions from time to time that push the boundaries we gave ourselves for the regular issues of RESTLESS. And hence, the Blue Issue was born. We’d like to think that we’re part of a discerning community, that can judge offensive content on the artistic merits lying within, and some of our greatest influences and inspirations were people who worked with off-color material and used it ingenious ways to push the boundaries of society, and artistic expression. But we all know that the odds are high we’ll get burned at the stake before this is all over. At least our paper stock burns with a cheery flame. Enjoy it while you can :D -The Restless Team ii.

iii.

Vacation Remnants By Pretley Sanders

llis and Phyllis Mifflecreet were packing, preparing to conclude their daring vacation at a remote resort in northeastern Argentina in the province of Misiones. They were doing right now what they've been doing most of the journey: rationalizing the trip to one another, mostly with words paraphrased from the Wikipedia, Frommers, and Nat'l Geographic which they had independently memorized before even planning the itinerary. Having absorbed far too much of one another over the years, they resembled two overfilled balloons, too full to be tied so they just keep taking in more of each other's hot air, often trembling in anticipation of whatever great pop which will send at least one of them spiraling across the room. One only acquires a name like "Ellis" through legitimate and organized means. His lineage is full of nobody who makes the rules, but they always seem to benefit from them. He was heir to no permanent income; but rather more of a straight line of effort, as though someone wrote a simple letter on a pile of carbon paper. Each generation is assigned a sheet by which to express themselves. He noticed some of the words were blurry, but he still wanted what he was entitled to, so in order to maintain moral equilibrium he lives his life by a strict code of conduct that allows regimented indulgence 1 paired with states of frantic pen-

ance; all of which he imposes upon everyone else as much as upon himself. A blend of Christianity and his own personal philosophies gleaned from old movies and classic American authors. They were carefully folding their pleated slacks, thinking about which ones they were going to assign priority to in the instance of a hangar shortage. Then a stowaway crawled out of an unsecured bag. It ran under the bed, then crawled up the lowest point of the bed skirt onto the surface, which it blended with pretty convincingly. The tastefully subdued linens which the Mifflecreets keep in their home would scarcely resemble the markings of a venomous spider from South America with a 5 inch leg span, but they didn't choose their vacation spot by bedroom linens. Nor did they plan an encounter with the Phoneutria nigriventer, commonly known as the Brazilian Wandering Spider or the Banana Spider (as it often stows away in crates of bananas). Their bag did not contain bananas, but gifts for friends and future conversation pieces at dinner parties. Anybody who would be invited to such an event would already know the Mifflecreets went to South America, but the displayed souvenirs would serve well during the panic of quiet moments that occur far too soon to entreat a graceful exit. Of course any couple about to leave the beautiful, warm, humid seclusion of

Argentina who add tedious extra steps to organizing their luggage must have advanced experience at avoiding sex. Despite a healthy, even impressive track record for the first couple decades of the marriage, the combination of a stressful lifestyle and unhealthy eating habits have left Ellis incapable of physical intimacy. He and Phyllis agreed that it was sinful to include alternative modes of stimulation and pharmaceuti-

cals into the bedroom, so the unpleasant topic was allowed to drop. This made him feel comfortable, as he was then absolved from responsibility with no shortage of valid well-documented excuses. She was distraught at first; she wasn't ready for this chapter of their life together to be over. After years of ignoring temptation, once her children

moved out her friends set her up with some pre-screened men, thus tying all loose ends for an airtight rationalization. The Brazilian Walking Spider was

hiding in the crevice made when the blanket is tucked over and partially under the pillows. They made the bed themselves as they always do on vaca-

tion when they woke up at 5:35 AM while they were waiting for breakfast to be available. It was now 9:30 and they were done packing, with several hours until they had to leave for the airport. They decided to visit their favorite vantage point, which overlooked a flat path that they were both still physically able to traverse but at no point took the initiative. Phyllis was sure to make Ellis feel the weight of her curiosity to explore the pathway. Ellis begun with his usual skeptical groan as he removed his sandals and retrieved from his suitcase the most convenient socks and shoes, which happened to be the more active ones. This gave him the option to actually explore the walkway. He felt his control over the decision slipping from his grip as he leaned back on the bed to pull on his left sock. He felt a small impact on his hip, immediately followed by a sharp pain that left him breathless for a second, stymieing an otherwise embarrassing screech into a hiccup. They both froze at the glance of the spider as it zipped towards temporary oblivion. They tried to retain dignity as they swatted at it with their shoes the way a reluctant debutante might swing a wine bottle at a reincarnation of Hitler; fighting for their lives but also prepared to rebound into composure if the specter were to vanish. The spider exited through the window, and Phyllis called for help as Ellis scanned online reference material, identifying the species very quickly. They sent the only medic available, who asked a few routine questions and assured Ellis that he was going to be

fine and if he remained calm he would suffer significantly less. His lack of muscle spasms and erratic breathing rate were good signs... the medic's command of English was far greater than his pronunciation lead one to believe, and when he mentioned "priapism" it slipped right by the both of them. Ellis didn't catch it, even though he had read it in his quick research. After the medic left, Ellis went to relieve himself... and after 25 minutes, Phyllis demanded to know what was going on in there. When he emerged, he was sporting a sagging grimace and a pert erection. She laughed at how dignified he should have appeared at this moment. He explained that the "situation" was a very uncomfortable effect of the venom called "priapism", it may last several hours and hopefully won't require medical attention. The more he tried to be taken seriously, the less she heard him. All she could think of is that it was even bigger than she remembered. She was absently discussing possible plans of action when she interrupted herself to make a far more practical suggestion. She viewed this as an amazing opportunity for a worthy finale to their sex life. Ellis disagreed, he felt that it was a false representation of him and that even though it was not harnessed from a pill it was still not natural. Phyllis found her self once again absently participating in a useless conversation, really a lecture about the medical research being done on the toxin that was causing this priapism and how it may be incorporated into Viagra in the 4

future, and how the erection was not because of his feelings for her, that she would be defiling herself by partaking in false pleasure. Then she thought about his weakened state. When he was done talking, she helped him to his feet to get a glass of water. She admitted that he was right and that there was no reason for them to sin. They sat down next to one another on the bed. As he tried to hold her hand, she proceeded to push him onto his back and sit on his chest in order to remove his pants. As she tried to flop onto his now exposed involuntary erection, he rolled over off the bed and stood up. He begged on behalf of their virtue, with his back to the corner near the window he pleaded that this isn't God's plan. When that didn't work, he tried to guilt her about the spider bite. He saw the familiar expression she gave when she decided what restaurant they would go to or which house they would move into, so he threw in his whammy card and pretended to faint. Without hesitation she pounced on and raped him with great zeal. All he could do then was swing his arms side to side and call out towards the open window. She stuffed both of his socks into his mouth, tied him at the wrists with his ugly paisley necktie, and amidst fits of passion she proudly proclaimed her intentions to ride him until they had to leave for the airport. It was at this point, when he had no course of action aside from passive ac5 ceptance, that he ceased his

struggling. After a few hours of inert staring, he clenched his jaw and trembled in such a way that spider venom doesn't cause. She noticed this, but once the process was complete they never spoke of the incident again. They still made people endure their stodgy dinner party. Their friends and family close their eyes for a roll as they are directed to pass the veggies clockwise and the meats and starches counter-clockwise. Everything they discuss from their trip could be found in various reference material without visiting Argentina. Phyllis and Ellis' drinks still never get around to melting any ice, but somewhere in a hollowed trinket is a small vial of mysterious substance. It is accessed in secret when Ellis wears his ugly paisley necktie.

Guttermouth By R-Chi London My grandmother said that little girls should be seen and not heard But I was an unattractive child With a voice like honey over spun gold. So they made an exception And have regretted it ever since From the cradle until now And for who knows how much longer My clackering tongue has Without fail Click clacked on Picking up turns of phrase And churning out like kind I could blame the magazines With their many shiny pages of how to get ahead in life And ways to win a man. Assertive is the new black Be daring! Be bold! But if daring do then speak please and tell Why men look upon me With eyes wide Mouths open Emitting utterances so crude

no mortal tongue may form the words. I am told to be ladylike. For a lady does not fuck or piss Or if she does, certainly does not tell her friends. But it is clear to see How men succeed With their boisterous vocabulary And locker room talk Lauded for their exploits And the delivery thereof. And as for me, What was once considered charming in a child Is now a disgrace. A black mark. After all, who wants a woman with an open mind and bigger mouth Unless sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s there to suck your cock? Is this why our mothers burned their bras, Or our grandmothers went to work in factories during the 6 war?

and what of their mothers who fought and died for suffrage. The right to speak our minds. Or so they though. But what good has come of it If we are still treated like furnature. Expected to sit quiet and just be pretty? Sorry, but that isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t an option for me. I will not pander to your censorship. I will not serve only to fill the role society has laid out. Tonight Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll wear the strap-on and you can have the ball gag And maybe then you can see what it feels like To be a lady. Neil said diamonds cut When tumbling from the lips. My words draw blood. Admittedly, sometimes my own. And perhaps I lack the elegance Of a more refined tongue But make no mistake This guttermouth will change the world.

eye love you

By Rhia Hobkirk ne afternoon things were

just tryin' to be sexy, and damn, it's

pretty slow at the office,

workin'! she comes up to the counter

and we hadn't had any odd situations

and asks to see a female doctor. When

in a few days, just the usual rashes

I tell her there's no women on duty

and burning sensations. I was sitting

today, she starts biting her lip like

in the break room enjoying the calm

she's trying to decide if she should

when my buddy Vic came in chuck-

stay or leave. Apparently her problem

ling.

is serious enough that she's willing to

"What's so funny?" I asked. "Brian, man, you just missed the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life!" He was as excited as a kid on Christmas morning.â&#x20AC;?

see a male doctor. So I give her the paperwork to fill out, and the entire time she's wearing those shades. I put her in the exam room and tell her to undress and put on the gown. I come back to get the preliminary exam

"Funnier than the candy cane lady?" I seriously doubted that his story could top mine about a 63-year-old woman with a candy cane stuck in a very private place. That's about as amusing as it gets. "Much, much funnier," he said. I was intrigued. He could hardly contain his laughter as he told his tale: "This chick comes in, hot as hell. I'm talkin' smokin'. About 5'7, long blonde hair, legs up to her neck, and tits bigger than your head. Maybe 45, but still doable, and she's wearin' these huge movie star sunglasses even though she's inside. I'm thinkin' she's

done, and she's still wearing those

puss. This bitch has gonorrhea of the

fucking shades! I don't see any harm

fuckin' eye!"

in her wearing them through the exam, but I'm curious to see what she's hiding. So I ask her to take them off. Holy shit, man, it was fuckin' nasty! Her eye's all swollen and red and there's something kinda oozing from it. I'm prayin' that isn't why she's here, but when I look at her paperwork, that's what it says. I put my

I almost spit out my coke when he said that. I only know of one way to get gonorrhea of the eye, and it certainly isn't something your mother would include in "the talk." "So what'd you do?" I asked, curious to hear how he'd handled the sticky situation (no pun intended).

gloves on, but I don't want to go near

"I gave her some antibiotics,

that shit with a hundred gloves on.

bandaged her up, and got her the hell

She sees me hesitate, and she looks

out of my office! She's talking to the

like she's about to cry. I can't stand it

nurse right now about how to apply

when women cry, so I start doing the

the ointment and not spread the gon-

exam. The entire time I'm touchin' it,

orrhea."

I'm trying to hold down my breakfast. At first I'm thinkin' it's just a nasty case of pink eye, but then why would she be coming to a sex clinic? As I look closer, I see that' she's got all the symptoms: inflammation, redness,

Thanks for ruining my lunch," I said as I pushed my chair back. "See ya up front." I tossed my half-eaten sandwich into the trash and headed back to my station at the front desk.

As I was rounding the corner, I

chance to see for myself. I grabbed

saw the tall leggy blonde heading to-

the bag and ran to the parking lot.

ward the door. Vic hadn't mentioned

She was just backing out of the

that she had a hot ass to go with the

parking space when I ran up to her

rest of the package. She pushed the

window and knocked. Her left eye

door open and was gone. I'd just sat

was

down at my desk when I saw that the

turned, I saw that her other eye

woman had left her brown bag of

was blue. A very familiar blue.

medication behind. This was my

bandaged,

but

when

she

"Mom?!?"

RESTLESS: Issue Blue

hayne Bohner

I am an artist, promoter, producer, consultant, and gallery owner. I'm working on many different projects all the time. I have a once a month event called SINge at the FireHouse, that focuses on fire performance and dancing. I also throw an event called Black Light Mass occasionally with a group known as the Family. I'm working on an online endeavor called the Make Art Availa-

Phoenix, Arizona. In 2008 she received her BFA in painting from Arizona State University. She currently lives in Mesa with her beautiful family and many terrifying pets.

hia Hobkirk

rhia is a sometimes knitter, occasional writer and consistent procrastinator. she enjoys cupcakes, lists and anything joss whedon has touched.

budget or are a collector. My partners and I

have also recently acquired a new gallery

London, we turned to the internet as usual

ble project on Etsy and ArtFire.com. It is a project to make emerging artists art available to everyone whether they have a tight

space called Galeria de los Muertos at 905 N.5th street. It's right in the heart of the downtown Phoenix arts district, we will be featuring some of the best local and visiting artist working in the dark and lo brow art movement.

-Chi London

Since we do not have a bio on hand for Ms. to find: A curious, creative, partly industrious, mostly mental maker of sweet things. We have had the pleasure of masticating upon Ms. Londonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sweet things and are pleased to report that they are, in fact, quite delicious. (She makes candy, you pervsâ&#x20AC;Ś)

El Vaquero Muerto Leather Art is the rock

n' roll brainchild of the artist El Vaquero

This is what we know for sure about Mr.

Muerto. More work can be found at:

Sanders: He is a 28-year old native of NJ

www.elvaqueromuerto.com.

living in Phoenix who has been writing

fiction for about two years. This is what we

l Vaquero Muerto

enny Fontana

Jenny Fontana is inspired by all things dark, dreary and adorable. She was born in

retley Sanders

found out about him from the internetbn (accuracy not promised): He does not like overhead lamps, for reasons that include their uselessness as lightsabers and their incessant humming. He is also the author of

Contributors and Victims the urban-dictionary.com definition for ‘Slouche Bag.’

avid Wiersch

I used to think I didn’t get anything out of church as a kid But now I know that its where my need to be on stage developed From the choir that could barely sing To the child molester and his organ playing The man on the cross didn’t mean a thingwhen the beat rises and the melody swings I didn’t care what they where saying i only cared about the how and the what they where playing Music gave birth to my soul No devil, no angel Just rock and roll

150 Word Micro-Fiction Contest! Tell us your best story in 150 words (exactly)! All qualifying entries will be printed in an upcoming edition of RESTLESS. Each entry will be scored by popular vote (50%) and by our illustrious judgeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s panel (50%). Prizes for 1st, 2nd and 3rd place. Entries can be sent to

150words@restlessanthology.com. 13

Entries must be 150 words long. No shorter. No longer.

Coming Soon RESTLESS: Issue Four Request for Submissions RESTLESS, a new Arts Anthology, is calling all local writers and artists for submissions. RESTLESS is looking for all types of fiction and non-fiction written in experimental and traditional writing styles. RESTLESS is also accepting event suggestions, reviews, comics and visual-art that translates well into black and white print.

Guidelines for Submissions: Fiction / Creative Non-fiction / Experimental Fiction / Micro-fiction No word limit, though generally under 6,000 words. Please attach as a DOC, DOCX, RTF, TXT, ODT or whatever. This really should go without saying, but it does need to be print ready– no spelling or grammar errors. And no rough drafts. Poetry RESTLESS publishes a small amount of poetry per issue. Again, no word limit, but generally under 3,000 words. Please send as an attachment. Local Restaurant Reviews - Alternatives to the Chain Review an awesome locally-owned restaurant with the view of giving us good alternatives to the standard chain restaurants. 50-400 words. Comics & Other Visual Art Must translate well into grayscale/black & white. Images must be of high enough quality for translation to print. Raster or Vector images acceptable. JPG, PNG, SVG or AI are acceptable formats. PNG or JPG are preferred. Unique Contributions Other contributions are considered as well. Stickers, Wood/linocut stamps, inserts of other kinds, etc. Please e-mail with a description / image of the proposed contribution for consideration. Recipes & Cooking Stories Unique, delicious recipes—stand-alone or with a story attached. Content: RESTLESS does not have specific content guidelines. In general, content should strive to be no more than a PG-13 or a soft-R. Explicit content is generally frowned upon, but is acceptable when appropriate within the story and handled maturely. We aim to include as many readers as possible, young and old. We are always accepting submissions of all types of content. Deadlines for particular issues are generally two-weeks before the launch date. Submissions should be sent to submissions@restlessanthology.com. Please include the type of submission (fiction, non-fiction, review, event, etc...) in the subject line of the e-mail, as well as a short 50-150 word bio. If it’s not included, we’re making it up. Seriously. We will only respond to entries that are being used within Restless.

RESTLESS: An Arts Anthology i n f o @ r e s t l e s s a n t h o l o g y . c o m