Making Change L A S T

New year, new me. We’ll read that all over our feeds on social media for the next few weeks. It is motivating for short while, then we realize that we are still carrying the weight of our stresses. My encouragement for everyone in the new year is self-acceptance. Not to simply try to discard the “old” you, rather work to gain a deeper validation and appreciate for what you have experienced in your life that shaped who you are now. Of course there are changes we want to make, healthier, happier, more adventurous, more connected, all of it. And it will be more difficult to realize this type of growth until we better embrace the pot and soil our flowers are already growing in.

A core component of mindful living is our ability to observe. To observe our experiences, thoughts, emotions, actions, actions of others without judgment; to seek understanding with curiosity rather than defensiveness. I had the great privilege this past moth to visit Guatemala with a beautiful family to help facilitate a healing retreat, and while we were there one of the local volcanos erupted. It was beautiful, but only because I was safe several miles away! It occurred to me that if I was at the top of the mountain, it would have been unbearably hot, loud, windy, feeling like this was the end. And from a distance I was able to observe the act of creation, of change, of rejuvenation and that sometimes creations requires destruction. Thankfully the city was safe other than a layer of ash on the cars the next morning.

I share this memory as an illustration of how mindfulness of observation operates. When we are in the trenches of change, nothing feels like enough. The change may feel overwhelming, chaotic; and when we take a step back and observe the broad view of our lives we can better accept the nature of change. It can be slow, but long lasting. We may look around us and see what others may be accomplishing, and comparison is the thief of joy. Change is hard. Exercising the discipline, maintaining motivation and committing to consistency is the challenge we face when evolving. And it is possible, so long as we know and accept our “why”.

My encouragement as you step into this new year is to start small and be specific. The most common mistake many make is trying to change too much at once. We set so many damn resolutions for the “new me” and none of them get any attention past the first couple weeks of the year. Try setting one, meaningful, specific and tangible goal that you feel will enhance the quality of your life. The four laws of change from Atomic Habits by James Clear tell us to:

1. Make your goal obvious. This means to make your goals clear. Know exactly what you are trying to accomplish and how you will know when its complete.

2. Make your goal attractive. If you want to complete a goal, the steps have to be desirable. You are more likely follow through when you enjoy completing the steps

3. Make your goal easy. Make your steps accessible. You must shape your environment to allow for much easier completion of the steps. The more you complete the small steps it is more likely to become a long term habit.

4. Make your goal satisfying. There must be a reward you feel in order to want to continue. The habit is formed when the short term reward contributes to the long term realization of a goal.

And through all of this, we work to practice of acceptance that nothing changes fast. Slow, steady, consistent progress is paramount. We can observe our progress without judgment, balancing being fully in the moment and seeing the progress over time. I wish you all a beautiful and peaceful new year.

Anthony Gonzalez, LCSW, QS Alere Emotional Health LLC