IT WAS OUR 5TH ANNIVERSARY DINNER, AND ALTHOUGH THE GAMMON WAS A LITTLE RUBBERY, THE WINE WAS SWEET
YOU SEE, WHEN I HAD TURNED 16, MY LIFE TOOK A BIT OF A TURN. I WAS BORN A NORMAL BABY, BUT AS I GREW SO DID MY HEAD
THROUGHOUT MY YOUNGER YEARS I WAS SUBJECT TO WEEKLY EXAMINATIONS IN THE HOPE OF SHINING SOME LIGHT ON MY UNIQUE CONDITION
I WAS VERY FORTUNATE TO HAVE MET MY WIFE, WE GET ON VERY WELL INDEED
I HAD A SMALL NUMBER OF UNSUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS UNDER MY BELT ALREADY BY THE TIME I HAD MET HER
BY THE TIME I WAS 16 THE DOCTORS HAD GIVEN UP ON THE SCANS AND X-RAYS AND SWITCHED TO TESTS TO EXPLORE MY MENTAL CAPACITIES
THE EXAMS WERE MAINLY OF THE LONG WRITTEN ANSWER TYPE, HOWEVER AFTER MY POOR RECEPTION I WAS MOVED ON TO MULTIPLE-CHOICE STYLE PAPERS
IT NEVER FELT LIKE THERE WAS ANY REAL CONNECTION WITH ANY OF THE OTHER GIRLS I HAD DATED
A LOT OF THEM WERE ONLY INTERESTED IN ME FOR MY BRAINS AND NOT FOR WHO I WAS
THESE PAPERS WERE A LITTLE MORE DOWN MY ALLEY, AS I COULD SIMPLY SELECT MY ANSWERS AT RANDOM AND LEAVE FOR HOME EARLY
I VIVIDLY REMEMBER MY DAD’S MOUSTACHE TWITCHING AS HE SPOKE ON THE PHONE A FEW DAYS AFTER THE FIRST ROUND OF MULTIPLE-CHOICE TESTS
IT WAS ONE OF THE DOCTORS, I HAD SCORED PERFECT MARKS IN THE NEW TESTS AND THEY WANTED ME TO TRY SOME MORE
THE INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT TEST, IQ TEST FOR SHORT, WAS ALSO MULTIPLE-CHOICE, SO ONCE AGAIN I ANSWERED AT RANDOM AND LEFT EARLY FOR HOME
WITH AN IQ OF 300 I WAS THE SMARTEST LIVING PERSON. MY PECULIAR ANSWERS IN INTERVIEWS WERE PERCEIVED TO BE A REFLECTION OF MY VAST INTELLECT BEING GREATLY SUPERIOR AND BEYOND TYPICAL UNDERSTANDING
I WAS EVEN PERMITTED TO GRAFFITI AS IT WAS THOUGHT THAT MY MOST VALUABLE THOUGHTS MIGHT BE LOST WITHOUT IMMEDIATE TRANSCRIPTION
AT THIS POINT IT IS PROBABLY WORTH MENTIONING MY PARENTS IN A LITTLE MORE DETAIL
I WAS BROUGHT UP IN A WORKING CLASS NEIGHBOURHOOD, NEITHER OF MY PARENTS EVEN WENT TO COLLEGE
AS MY POPULARITY SKY-ROCKETTED I DARED NOT TELL ANYONE THE TRUTH OF MY TEST ANSWERS. AS I GREW OLDER I BEGAN RECEIVING A GREAT DEAL OF JOB OPPORTUNITIES
SUDDENLY I COULD BE ANYTHING I WANTED TO BE, THE WORLD WAS TRULY MY OYSTER
NEEDLESS TO SAY IT CAME AS QUITE A SHOCK TO THEM TO HEAR A FEW WEEKS LATER THAT I HAD AN IQ OF 300
NATURALLY THE PRESS CAUGHT WIND FAIRLY RAPIDLY; THERE WERE PRESS CONFERENCES, FILMS AND EVEN A NOVELTY PORNO WAS MADE. I WAS SUDDENLY A REAL CELEBRITY
I BEGAN RECEIVING SPONSORSHIPS FROM ALL THE MAJOR COMPANIES, BUILT UP MY IMAGE AND HIRED AN ENTOURAGE, AND WENT ON TO FOUND A TREND FORECASTING FIRM
IT WASN’T ALL WORK THOUGH OF COURSE, AND AS I GREW MORE ACCUSTOMED TO MY NEW LIFE I BEGAN TO GET MORE ATTENTION FROM GIRLS TOO
THIS SEQUENCE OF EVENTS LEADS US BACK TO WHERE WE BEGAN, MY 5TH ANNIVERSARY DINNER. I AM 27 YEARS OF AGE
Oh , so that ’s what it is, I was about to ask why you’d served me half a cooked rugby ball .
VERY FUNNY... *COUGH*
I AM DEAD NOW
MY FUNERAL WAS WELL ATTENDED, AS ONE WOULD EXPECT FOR THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE (DEAD)
MY WIFE EVENTUALLY REMARRIED, ALTHOUGH IT TOOK HER A FEW LIKE, I CAN’T believe she’d YEARS BEFORE SHE WAS READY
AND I WAS TO BE REMEMBERED AMONGST MANY OTHER OF HUMANITY’S FINEST MINDS, THE WORLD’S GREATS
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE GAMMON?
Honey, are you OK? Do you need some water?
say something like that.
Haha no way
*SPLUTTER*
*GASP*
OF COURSE I REALISE HOW EGOTISTICAL THAT MAY SOUND, BUT I’D LIKE TO THINK I DID FAIRLY WELL WITH MY LIFE ALL THINGS CONSIDERED
IN THE END THOUGH, I WAS DROPPED BY THE MEDIA JUST AS RAPIDLY AS I HAD RISEN, REPLACED BY SOME NEW SPECTACLE
BREAKING NEWS: MAN, 25, DISCOVERED TO HAVE LOWEST RECORDED IQ IN HISTORY