MUSE

this is MY body

Chandni Gugar

[ Trigger Warning: This article is a personal piece which deals with extremely sensitive topics and issues surrounding consent, sexual assault, and rape. Reader discretion is advised and please read at your own risk. ]

Being a woman, in my experience, means constant control and pres- sure surrounding the authority of our bodies. Whether it’s from the clothes we wear, to who owns and has the right to our reproductive organs, it seems as though the patriarchy always has ownership of what is rightfully ours. If our clothes are too ‘revealing’ then we’re ‘asking for it’ or we should not be allowed to have abortions because it is our duty to save a ‘life’. We are expected to have sex with men because that’s the role we are supposed to fulfil and if we do not we are being a ‘prude’ but if you have too much sex to fulfil your own needs you are a ‘slut’. And eventually when they do not wish to listen to our ‘no’ our right is completely taken away, and results in sexual assault.

Rape is how our bodies get taken away from us, violated and disrespected. In Janu- ary 2013, An Overview of Sexual Offending in England and Wales was released by the Ministry of Justice (MoJ), Office for National Statistics (ONS) and Home Office which re- vealed that approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men (aged 16-59) experience rape, attempted rape, or assault by penetration in England and Wales alone every year. That is roughly 11 sexual offences every hour. Yet only around 15% of those who experience sexual violence report it to the police. This under-reporting statistic alone shows not only the physical control the perpetrator has over their survivors of assault, but also the mental control. They are too scared to report, too scared to remember.

Trying to find the ability to celebrate our bodies after such violations is extremely hard. Becoming a victim can feel disempowering and weak, and it is tough to try to pull yourself out of the flashbacks and thoughts. Survivors of assault can regain control of our bodies, it does not have to define us and we do not have to abandon our ambitions and our life. I urge you to take back your power and take back what is RIGHTFULLY yours, which is YOUR BODY.

Taking this message, to ‘live out loud’ is so valuable, as to live out loud means to not live in silence, to not live a life where you let your assault define you or believe it was your fault. You have the right to say no and it is your choice to do what you want with your body and if that is ever taken from you, it will be hard to recover, but you have every power to regain your autonomy, because you deserve to. As Viola Davis puts it, ‘Living out loud is long after you’re gone – you leave something on this Earth that’s bigger than your- self’.

However, whilst I encourage all these messages, I would be lying if i said my own personal sexual assault did not effect me. I still haven’t regained control of my body, I do not feel strong or powerful. I still cry about it, I feel weak, hopeless, like I cannot trust anyone with my body again, somehow including myself. I do not know how to move past it, or deal with it, and in fact as a young woman I find it hard to celebrate my body after an assault. But I am trying, and that has to count for something, and it's something to be proud of.