currentsaucenews.com
The Current Sauce
@thecurrentsauce
thecurrentsauce
Trump talks thanksgiving With The Current’s Sauce’s first ever special post-election issue, we hope to bring you smiles and surprises. (Hint: There are puppies.) northwestern state university’s student-run newspaper
news A preview of Dark Woods’ Christmas in the Park
page 2
sports Football to wrap up season in Nacogdoches on Saturday
page 3
arts & living Cute pets. Because why not?
page 4
ASHLEY WOLF Editor-in-Chief
G
ood Day and fork ‘em demons to you all. For many of us, this election has been a YUGE disaster. Believe me. No one feels more disastrous than I do. No one has escaped this election unscathed. I mean, we have all seen the Facebook posts. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. Ask any demon at NSU. Believe me. And when you look at what’s happening at Louisiana’s universities, all our money is going down the drain because of these budget cuts. The Crooked Legislature is using our TOPS money as a piggy bank. Billions and billions of dollars. The nasty, nasty legislature. VERY rigged. And the problem with these political Facebook feuds-which are a TOTAL DISASTER by the way--is that does anyone win? No. And let me say this: I am the best anyone has ever been at Facebook, so I know. I am the single best Facebooker. Do you know how many friends I have? Billions and billions. A tremendous amount. And Mark Zuckerberg? Not even close to me. Total loser. And here’s the thing. The Demons are suffering because of the very, very corrupt budget-cutters and the people
who have lost all politeness. We need to rebuild politeness. And my plan is to build a private Facebook wall. I want to keep out extended family with their bad opinions about the election. How bad are the opinions, you ask? Very, very bad. The baddest opinions I have ever seen. So here’s the thing: If we don’t build a Facebook wall, your family will talk to you about the election. And they won’t stop until there is no thanks and no giving. They will steal all of your thanks. And we need to stop them. And I like my cousins. I really do. But we need to repeal and replace public Facebook settings. And you know what will happen if we don’t? Our souls will be mashed like potatoes. And we will be the most mashed a potato has ever been. We won’t even be a solid food anymore. Just thankless puddles. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. So I have three words for you: po.ta.toes.
Satire
opinions Students share thoughts on what the Trump administration could do
page 7
po.ta.toes Po · ta · to /pəˈtādō/ noun plural noun: potatoes
a starchy plant tuber that is one of the most important food crops, cooked and eaten as a vegetable.