THE
CURRENTSass
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Volume: 101 Issue 26
Our president, the Social Butterfly Dr. Jim Henderson
Collaboration Current Sass
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SU President and social butterfly Dr. Jim Henderson began to flutter across campus at 7 a.m. sharp Tuesday morning as usual. He started with his hourly coffee from the newly-opened Starbucks, served with the specially-made gold embossed cups ordered to fit the shape of his hand, a gift from the university. There’s no doubt that Dr. Henderson is beloved on this campus, as the numerous requests for signatures on photos of him and Tanya — or Jimya as the pair are commonly known — attest. But he doesn’t hide out from the public eye as one might expect. Most people don’t know this, but he is actually a compulsively sociable man, so much so that he is not physically able to let a person walk by without saying, “Hey! Who are you?” and
throwing in a booty bump. “My hand just flies up automatically and the words just fall out of my mouth — it’s a real problem,” he said, physically holding back his right hand with his left as a student walked by. The only way to combat his obsession with public interaction is to use his cellphone. He has even developed the ability to use his cellphone while carrying a conversation. Throughout the numerous meetings that cropped up during the day, his fingers were steadily moving
under the table, sending texts and making posts. “It keeps me from reaching over and giving everyone hugs all the time,” Henderson admitted. Although he has amazingly become even more popular online than he has in person, some believe that Dr. Henderson exhibits signs of addiction to his smartphone. He assured students, however, that he is completely capable of spending time away from his phone, who he has affectionately named
Sonya. “I could do without her — I mean it — without a problem,” he said, lowering his voice and holding his hand over the microphone. After morning meetings and lunch at the cafeteria, Dr. Henderson began the secondphase of his daily routine, in which he dawns a new set of clothes and takes on a rather different set of responsibilities as campus custodian. “After budget cuts, when things got tight, I just started doing this from 1-3 p.m.,” Henderson said, smiling as he emptied the bin in the union and wiped a smudge off his
sleeve. Dr. Henderson never feels above hard labor and always strives to be relatable to students, sharing stories about his glory days and engaging in the occasional dab or sorority squat. This semester, he has taken this desire to be relatable to the next level and actually become an NSU student. “Jim’s my man,” freshman Landon Jepson said of his new classmate. “That dude really loves this school, though, for real. Sometimes he just stands up, looks around and says ‘fork ‘em’ in the middle of class.” After his afternoon classes, Dr. Henderson packed up and headed out for the evening. As he walked back to his house by the river, he looked back at the campus and held up the sign we know so well, smiled that assuring smile, and fluttered away into a purple-hued sunset.
All articles in this issue should be taken with a heavy, heavy grain of salt