Book Review by Christine MacIntyre

Book Review

Rules of Estrangement

By Christine MacIntyre

Dr. Joshua Coleman visits a subject of vulnerability and sensitivity in nature in Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties & How to Heal the Conflict. His expertise as a trusted psychologist and his personal experience with the silent epidemic known as estrangement guide readers through this compelling book. While popular opinion typically sways to one side, favoring the estranged child, Dr. Coleman looks at each situation through an objective lens carefully drawing information from all sides. He touches on what estrangement looks like, how it might happen, coping strategies, and helpful information on reconciliation and healing. Gentle and sympathetic to both concerned parties, he offers professional and factual, evidence-based material for the reader wishing to dig deeper into the topic of estrangement.

Through compassionate verbiage and thorough explanations, Dr. Coleman provides insights deeper than the typical one-sided story commonly told on this topic. Estrangement is a seemingly complex phenomenon in terms of the underpinnings and emotional turmoil it causes. As a result, the issue may feel intimidating to some, especially those living through it. However, Dr. Coleman’s well-thought-out narrative gives readers a sense of reassurance— they are not alone, it is not necessarily a lost cause, and help is available.

The introduction hits the nail on the head—that estrangement is not commonly discussed with anyone, including family, friends, or coworkers, for fear of being judged. Dr. Coleman ensures readers throughout the introduction and the entire book that estrangement doesn’t always equate to bad parents, bad people, or worst-case scenarios. However, he doesn’t discount it as something minute; instead, he says dealing with it is “no small task” and even dubs it “the most painful experience” he’s ever been through in his own life.

Interspersing his book with both his own experience and clinical experience, as well as enriching it with the voices of parents with whom he’s worked, Dr. Coleman starts by making no assumptions about either parties’ innocence or guilt. While the book is seemingly intended for parents or grandparents suffering from a lost relationship with an adult child or grandchild, adult children also have something to gain. The painful and confusing topics discussed throughout the pages are eye-opening for anyone who reads them and shines a light on new perspectives to consider.

From chapter one, Dr. Coleman maintains a realistic outlook for readers. A commonly asked question is, “Can I save the relationship…?” Case studies provide examples of real adult children and parents struggling with estrangement and explain how Dr. Coleman tried to assist them in reconciliation. Demonstrating his compassion and eagerness to help others, he evaluates the situation to gain an intelligible understanding of the parties involved, including their personalities, strengths, vulnerabilities, level of insight, sensitivity, and self-reflection. Additionally, he looks at generational traps and unhealthy patterns, determining how these shaped or negatively impacted the parent-child relationship and how they might influence reconciliation. The examples show readers that a parent’s responses to professional recommendations, especially those involving “[empathizing] with the child’s complaints or perceptions, however at odds these are with their own,” may be crucial. The case studies show that “the chance for a reconciliation hinged on the parent’s capacity to dig deep, empathize, and make amends for the ways that their child had felt neglected, hurt, or abused.” Dr. Coleman then provides the tools needed to transform these problematic dynamics by teaching parents a new language and the requirements of parents and adult children to have a close relationship.

Estrangement is a seemingly complex phenomenon in terms of the underpinnings and emotional turmoil it causes. As a result, the issue may feel intimidating to some, especially those living through it.

Dr. Coleman unearths some of the reasons for unsuccessful reconciliation, looking at various factors that inhibit success and how “estrangements reflect a broader cultural transformation” compared to several decades ago. The bulk of the chapters provides insights into the underpinnings of estrangement, including abuse, mental illness, divorce, differing opinions, and differences in values and personalities. He posits that “what is diagnosable, pathological, and traumatizing now encompasses so much of what should be considered normal, expectable parenting.” Dr. Coleman adequately explains how this expansion of grievances under the umbrella of mental disorders seemingly creates a problem for estrangement— both the prevalence and its outcomes. Family turmoil isn’t a new concept; however, readers understand how it has changed and how the changes lead to an increased risk of estrangement.

Select chapters are dedicated to topics such as divorce, mental illness, and addiction and how these might play a role in the likelihood of estrangement and the potential for reconciliation. Looking at each factor with a magnifying glass, Dr. Coleman explains how these influence the terrain of estrangement. While these can feel like hopeless, impossible situations, his suggestions for ways of responding calmly, effectively, and fearlessly offer encouragement to propel forward.

The contents of Rules of Estrangement illuminate the layers of emotional distress inherent to estrangement ranging from guilt, shame, and grief, to resentment. Cases are presented for modalities such as psychotherapy, offering lifelines for those who may need it most. The book continuously ensures readers that there is hope, even if reconciliation doesn’t occur. Dr. Coleman maintains an optimistic tone throughout the text, without disregarding the possibility that pitfalls may be unavoidable. Through this tone, his work provides readers with hope, but not to the point of false promises.

Dr. Coleman provides comprehensive strategies that make the process seem less hopeless. Readers will realize the importance of getting to the heart of the problem, identifying triggers and underlying issues, and learning how to respond in the face of obstacles. The detail in each chapter, including those explicitly dedicated to flashpoints such as personality clashes, politics, religion, in-laws, and sibling dynamics, is the perfect amount to avoid feeling overwhelmed with information.

Dr. Coleman leaves no stone unturned with a chapter designated to abandoned grandparents and the weaponizing of grandchildren. Thousands of grandparent and grandchild relationships experience a cutting of ties. Dr. Coleman informs readers that it can sometimes result from a grandparent’s problematic behavior; however, leaning on his clinical experience, he finds “it more typically stems from a conflict between the parent and the adult child or the adult child’s spouse.” This chapter’s inclusion is significant, as it seems essential to understanding how estrangement aggravates more than just the parent and child. Examining estranged grandparents and the double burden it places on them allows readers to understand each part of the intricate web of estrangement. Similarly, estrangement has the potential to uproot marriages and romantic relationships, as well. Dr. Coleman describes this potential and provides practical information for coping strategies, finding a new normal, and settling into a life with healthy boundaries.

In conclusion, Rules of Estrangement holds valuable information revolving around the topic of estrangement. Dr. Coleman provides easy-to-follow explanations to help readers understand what it is, why it occurs, potential causes, and how to move forward. By acknowledging common myths about estrangement and giving merit to the perspectives of both adult children and their parents, the book feels like a complete guidebook or roadmap. Whether or not it results in reconciliation, the future sounds more manageable and optimistic after this read.