Athenian Issue 27 by The Athenian

Editorial How do we get all the idiots?

Renowned Pedophile comes to Case.

World's funniest groin injuries.

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Issue 27

pril 1, 2006 The Fake Student Newspaper of Case Western Reserve University

Krauss Calls for Vote of No Confidence in God

Observer Cancelled; Obvious Not So Hard to Deal With CHASE SICKY Staff"Reporter"

··Lawrence Krauss·gives God tlie'pirik slipfangelsrefuse to comment

STEVEN TECEDY .. Staff "Reporter" Professor Lawrence Krauss, former figurehead of the Case Western Reserve University Physics Department, has called for a vote of no confidence in the Lord Almighty. "There needs to be a change in direction," Krauss explained in a statement, "because I believe His lack of communication is inappropriate for a.leader." God has come under attack for telling humanity to "have faith" in His actions instead of explaining His planned policie's and for not allowing input from His followers in His decisions. Furthermore, God has come under fire in the past two millennia in particular for threatening nonbelievers with scare tactics such as eternal damnation. The move has already been met by sharp criticism by some theologians. "Sure, God is a little on the secretive side, but He does some great things from those who follow Him," said Eszti Medsource from Very Important University, citing eternal salvation and protection from harm as a few of the incentives. Several others were quick to point out God's command to "go forth and multiply" as another prime leadership move, as it encourages greater numbers in the ranks of the human populace. Krauss, however, remained unmoved. "Although I am sure God had good intentions in the beginning, His leadership has undeniably faltered in recent years and His choice of assistants has been questionable," he explained from his office. "Also, many of

:the decisions throughout His time in power have been dubious at best, such as creating the 1980s. And I won't even begin to wonder what He was thinking when He decided English units would be a good idea... " Krauss was then interrupted by several thunderclaps, an earthquake, and a plague of locusts that began to rain down in his office. He could not be reached for further comment. The vote, which will take place in the next few weeks, will require a majority of the populace to choose "no confidence" in order to pass. It is uncertain how many eligible voters will show up, however, because of questions regarding the legal aspects .of the vote. "I'm pretty sure when we agreed to that Covenant thing we wrote ourselves into a comer," explained Ms. Faith B. Leaver, referring to a written document promising exclusive worship .of God in exchange for protection. "By promising the Lord that he would be before all others, many people are essentially blackmailed into a position where participation in such a vote would be very conflicted." Further disapproval was heard from the Misdiscovery Institute, a conservative think-tank that promotes Intelligent Falling (the belief that· the Theory· of Gravity is flawed and instead things are pushed downward by an intelligent force). "Frankly, I'm wondering about that Star Trek guy's credibility in proposing this," one spokesman told us. "He has shown the Institute time and time again that he cannot come to grips with how gravity is a theory in crisis because physicists cannot

explain how it works. And would you trust the motives of a man who is so close-minded and unfair that he does not want students to make informed decisions?" Despite several pilgrimages to Mount Sinai, the Lord could not be reached for comment. Confi-

dential sources say He is not too worried about the outcome of the vote, however, because of its nonbinding nature even if the measure comes to pass. Only the Board of Deities presiding over the multiverse would have the ability to rescind Him of His position.

Established in 2000 • athenian@case.edu

It is with great sadness and heaviness of heart that this journalist reports that after a long, successful career, The Observer will be no more. Case Western Reserve University, a school with a penchant for technology and innovation, has decided that the student newspaper is simply irrelevant now. The news came shortly after the College of Arts and Sciences released its vote of "no confidence" in President Hundert. According to one source who asked to remain nameless, The Observer "might have been important in breaking the news back during the Pony Express. Now, once a week simply isn't goqd e11ough.''. . ••• ·~ . ·noubHtfor The Observer 5e:: gan when Case introduced Case Daily, a revolutionary spambot that began to distribute ."news" articles relevant to campus life on a daily basis, as the name implies. The reaction to the email was immediate: students were disgusted.· The days of ignoring any and all news in order to play World of Warcraft were quickly over. The age of innocence had passed. Students were outraged. "Why do I care about a janitor being added to the chemistry department?" remarked one biomedical engineering major on his way to physics lab. However, the Board ofTrustees wholeheartedly approved of their attempts to connect to the current generation. One such member spoke to me, though he must have been trying to remain anonymous with his baseball cap and sunglasses. "Peeps are LMAOing at Case Daily!" he declared. "It's da $#!+. We're 133t." Unfortunately, this leaves The Observer pwned. The Trustees . voted unanimously to can the newspaper after years of dedication to the whole, sugarcoated news with a fun page that put The Athenian, its only journalistic competition, to absolute shame. The staff received no notification of The Observer's demise. Instead, editors reported to their headquarters one night to find that their keys ·could not unlock the office door..· This had happened many times before as Case's staff is infamous for changing the locks of the wrong door, but this time there ~as a notice: "Observ-

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World & Nation Imaginary Problems Made Real. The White House, Home of the Whopper®--PI Wire--Secretary of Offense Donald "Trump" Rumsfeld announced today that his department has found how imaginary threats can be made real by multiplying them with other imaginary threats. "Imaginary threats are a lot more difficult to deal with than real ones," he explained, "but our analysts have discovered that multiplying one imaginary quantity with another imaginary quantity you end up with a real product. Which is how imaginary threats like WMDs and the Hussein-al Qaeda connection have proliferated together to give us the real problems in Iraq we have today!" When asked about recent civil conflicts and involvement of American troops in such situations, Rumsfeld replied, "First, there is no civil conflict: this is just extremely violent nation-building. Second, should there actually be a civil war American troops would not be involved, unless, of course, they are actually involved." At this point in the proceedings all rational thought left the room and committed suicide. The Secretary had no comment.

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Saddam Hussein Says He's 'Not Afraid to Die' Gagbhad--PI Wire--At the most recent random outburst at the trial of the former Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein said he's "not afraid to die." "All in all, this works out pretty well," said the main prosecutor, "because we're not afraid to kill him."

Poll released today shows that 50.1 % of American households think the country is slightly more than evenly divided, whereas 49.9% think the division is not quite halfway yet. The poll was taken with a margin on one inch on the sides and one and a half inches on the top and bottom.

Poll Shows Half of Americans Evenly Divided

Lichtenstein Changes Its Name

PI Wire News Central--A new Giddyup

Some Random Place In Europe--PI Wire--The Duchy of Lichtenstein has an-

nounced that, effective immediately, the name has been changed to Frankenstein in order to attract more tourists. The Duchy's motto will also be changed to reflect this change from its current "Significantly Bigger Than San Marino" to "It's alive! It's ALIVE!!!" Utterly no one has been reported to care save a few peasants brandishing pitchforks.

Pingpongyinyang--PI Wire--North Korean paranoid psychopath Beloved Leader Kim 'Ding' Dong Ill has once again threatened to not "play nice" with the other kids if he doesn't get his way. The dictator was then sent to his room without any food for dinner and told he wasn't allowed to play with his shiny toys until he learns to control his temper.

North Korea Threatens West- Again

Compiledby Yvette Cendes

No Confidence Vote Spurs other Significant Vote JAMES STAFFORD Future Editor-In-Chief As we all know, President Hundert recently announced his resignation. This came about after the Case Arts and Sciences faculty voted 131-44 for lack of confidence in the president. While Hundert was originally shaken, some less publicized votes swayed his opinion. "It's hard to run a university when the homeless vote no confidence against you." Hundert said at a press release. "I realized it was time to step down." The faculty vote was immediately followed by several monumental votes. 60

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rats in the Biology department voted no confidence before dying in an experiment. Quick to follow suit, 40 squirrels voted no confidence before ending up as Leutner food. Over 300 homeless people voted no confidence (there were originally 900 voting no confidence until Hundert started throwing money in the air). The Binary Walkway turned the tide for Hundert, casting O101 votes on his behalf. In the end, the Adelbert Bridge cast the decisive vote of no confidence in the president. It could not be reached for comment. "I was shocked and saddened." A distraught Hundert replied. "I thought the pedestrian walkway left us on good terms.

After hearing the bridge's decision, I knew I had to resign ... " Hundert left the interview in tears.

- Darwin and the missing link voted no confidence with creationism.

The results of this vote have also spurred other votes.

...CANCELLED Observer

-Athenian Editor votes no confidence in his writers. - Anarchists vote no confidence in "the man." - EMO people vote no self confidence. - Case engineers vote no confidence with women. - Saddam Hussein votes no confidence with the American legal system.

continued from page 1

er closed! Please see Case Daily for more information." The person or persons behind Case Daily were not available for comment before the time of this publication, but their spokesperson did cackle vaingloriously and promised to include a link to this article in the appropriate edition of Case Daily.

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Case to Replace Textbooks with Wikipedia In a move to place Case on the forefront of revolutionary educational methods, Case has announced its intention to replace all textbooks with the online encyclopedia source Wikipedia for the entirety of classes starting in the fall 2006 semester. This move comes after a realization that Case does not make additional money off of increased textbook costs and that the savings made by students by not purchasing textbooks could be passed on to additional tuition hikes. This move was met with enthusiasm from the student body. "Already I use Wikipedia for all of my · research and reference needs," said Amanda Langley, a junior German/Astronomy/Biology/ Chemistry major. "Now I will no longer need to pay for overpriced paperweights

that never leave their wrapping." In addressing concerns that Wikipedia lacks credibility due to its nature as it is able to be edited by anyone, Case responded that this represents a benefit as professors now have the capability to edit the texts they are using to reflect areas they wish to teach. Case also commented that this allows for an unprecedented level of synergy between professors and students in the development of course material.

Zarell is best known for his controversial statements on robot ownership and is expected to condemn Case for its creation and use of its giant robot army. Student organization Students for a New World Order has announced a counter protest claiming that robots are unintelligent and therefore lack rights, and that giant robots are necessary for the completion of their club's manifesto. University programming defended its decision to have Mr. Zarell speak on the grounds that he provides a usually unspoken viewpoint on campus.

Gary Zarell, Head Of PETR To Speak At Case Gary Zarell, head of the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Robots, is scheduled to speak at Case on Tuesday, April 18 in Strosacker Auditorium. Mr.

erance package is in the form of six giant robots from Case's giant robot army. These giant robots are several of the most recently constructed versions, complete with 10.1 surround sound speakers, mp3 player dock, coffee warmers, and leather seats. This forms an extended benefit element of the severance package due to a condition where if Hundert successfully saw through the construction of the first batch of giant robots then this benefit would automatically trigger if Hundert left the University for any reason. It is estimated that the giant robots in question have a net market value of $8,000,000,000.

Case To Present Hundert With Giant Robots As Part Of Special Severance Package

Test Animals Escape from Case Laboratory

The Athenian has learned that part of recently-resigned President Hundert's sev-

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THE ATHENIAN •

President Hundert Resigns Due To Illegal War, Torture

AVERI RIMS Staff"Reporter" Case Western Reserve University's president announced his resignation this month after a vote of no-confidence from a large majority (as in more than 6 times 8%) of professors, both tenured and nontenured, from much more than one school in the college. Dr. Edward Hundert, in an open letter to the university, said that he took full responsibility for record deficits after leading Case into a costly war with the World's Less-Powerful Leaming Institutions, which led to a seemingly unending insurgency. He also took responsibility for not having a clear plan of improvement and lasting investment in the school, changes that needed to be made to succeed in the new decade, as well as for not increasing the reputation and enrollment as an undergraduate institution. In particular, he blamed himself for not increasing the amount of enrollment of highly-qualified students, citing his un-

popular war and crimes against humanity as "really pissing off the rest of the academic world." "Honestly, if only a small minority of tenured faculty thought I was unpopular, or if! had succeeded in my goals of making this school a stronger institution by making the necessary changes that would finally unite us as a single entity, I probably wouldn't have resigned. I would have wanted to see these changes through and not damage the reputation of the school by being the second president in four years to resign prematurely," Hundert said. The no-confidence vote was organized by Prof. Lawrence Krauss, the former Physics Dept. Chair. After losing his son to the war against evolution, he has since become embittered at all institutions and eagerly accepted the offer to be a media 'companion' as other, more respected faculty in the physics department presented

actually factual information in their arguments against the President. "Yeah I realized I'm gonna take flak, and I thought long and hard about it and it was not an easy decision, it was not an easy decision at all. And really the concern as I watched is this institution ... suffered under extreme mismanagement. Now I happened to initiate this but this is not me against the president in any way. It's a terrible decision to make," Krauss actually really said in a real interview. President Hundert agreed with the very last bit, but would have appreciate a spokesperson who could elaborate a bit better on the other parts. The no-confidence vote also was carried Provost John Anderson. Anderson was under fire as a less-prominent figurehead of the international and internal problems Case is facing, though some would argue that since he and the Board of Trustees control Hundert's tenure, Hundert is actu-

ally their puppet. But Anderson has been saved :f;'rom serious political flak lately after shooting his best friend (Hundert) in the face, literally. Well, also metaphorically, depending on how you're reading this. "I guess being several billion dollars in debt isn't the big issue," anti-Hundert students said. "That'll happen at any institution where research dollars don't quite meet projections, and economically a national institution has no incentive to save anyway. The thing that would make it not just a desire, but an obligation to resign is jeopardizing our physical security with irresponsible dealings and an endless war, and destroying our international reputation and making people not want to come here. He's done that. Or maybe not, depending on who you're talking about."

FILLER!!!!!

Faith In The Classroom: Will The Fittest Values Survive? lar students. Local scientific authorities such as Father Kershaw expressed great surprise at how readily these Darwin-worCase Western Reserve is an institution shipping scientific throwbacks have taken that has sought for many years to give the to what must be a frightening new concept most rigorous mathematical education pos- for them. "Faith-Based Math? Like I don't have sible for the students who need it. All of to give proofs any more? Dude, I would those majors that need a solid grounding in anyone for that!" said newly worship higher math beam with pride as they think of the ease with which they can perform all converted young student. This reaction manner of complex calculations. Not a day is hardly a fluke among students. Nearly goes by when a Computer Science gradu- every student polled who was taking mathbased courses seemed in favor of this new ate doesn't perform differential equations. It's come to light recently that the concept. Within the next month, a vote conschool is rooted in tradition, unable to keep ducted by the National Society of Scienup with the times. Like most public schools in the country (save those forward thinking tific Christ-Based Thought is to be taken to bastions of intellectual integrity in Kan- decide whether traditional or Faith-Based sas), the faculty are fighting this new wave Math should be correct. If an authority of mathematics. I speak of course ofFaith- as great as theirs backs it, it will only be a matter of time before curricula across Based Mathematics. This new breakthrough in the field of God's great nation start picking it up. With mathematics has shown enormous popu- the support shown from the Case student larity with typically unscientific and secu- body, it seems to be a happy inevitability.

DRAQUE Illustrations Editor

Case Center for Women Changes Focus/Improves Facilities LENIN IN SQUAD Staff"Reporter"

"Barefoot , , , Pregnant ••• in a Kitchen ••• I am fulfilled" - Actual female

After a new internal study, the Case Center for Women is undergoing some dramatic changes. Top on the list is a complete remodeling of the facility. The waiting room, brochures, and counseling facilities are all being replaced by model kitchens, sewing machine stations, and a new early testing center for pregnancy. According to sources inside, these changes should give women more useful knowledge for their future lives. New studies show that empowerment and classical education for women only serve to breed unhappiness in marriage, increase the divorce rate, increase cases of cancer, lung disease, gout, and leukemia, increase the number of retarded children born, and cause the extinction of several small mammals. These sweeping changes are being capped by the appointment of a new director for the center, ex-university President Hundert. When asked for comment, he said, "My goal is to get women back where they belong, and produce the world's most powerful breeding environment."

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ATHENIAN

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THE ATHENIAN

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Established in 2000 by the undergraduate students of Case Western Reserve University Editor-in-Chief: Scott Milinovich Section Editors: News, Scott Milinovich; Focus, Scott Milinovich; Sports, Scott Milinovich; Photography, Scott Milinovich Assistants: News, Zap Rowsdower; Editorial, Sports, Liza Minelli; Focus, R2D2 Business Director: Zachary Stevens Business Manager: Zachary Stevens Advertising Manager: Nobody

Illustrations Editor: Draque Production Manager: Scott Milinovich Layout Editors: News, Christopher Williams; Focus, Christopher Williams; Sports, Christopher Williams Copy Editors: Scott Milinovich, Christopher Williams Distribution: Anyone who can lift heavy boxes Adviser: Mr. Bradley Ricca Financial Adviser: You've got to be fucking kidding me

tion kno1 tima fact, arou tima than no, i l ofsc by 3 bad nott

Staff Reporters: Nicholas Callahan, Yvette Cendes, Quinn Daniels, Draque, Casey Hicks, Asta Gerbec, Scott Milinovich, Sam Rivier, Phillip Seitzer, James Stafford, Zachary Stevens, Christopher Williams

Letters to the Editor (Reprinted from The Observer)

Athenian abuses first amendment freedoms To the Editor: Chances are, you've seen The Athenian around campus. If not, The Athenian is a monthly magazine published by Case students that tends to deviate from the beaten journalistic path. There's nothing wrong with such an idea; in fact, I believe one should be applauded for taking the road less traveled. I However, after reading the February issue, I realized that The Athenian is nothing more than using the first amendment simply because someone can, a wholly irresponsible act. The issue opens with an article entitled "OMG I hate nerds," in which the writer attacks students for being diligent in their studies and for not drinking. The rest of the issue stumbles through a random spat of articles and discourses, while the back cover shows a man beating a horse (although obviously fake), with the message: "Many animals were harmed during the writing of the Athenian. Screw you PETA.". Such gestures are entirely inappropriate and unnecessary. Offending someone for the sake of showing that you

Dear Mr. Cooke, First, I'd like to thank you for pointing out an error that has been overlooked in many issues of The Athenian. Whenever we talk about letters to the editor, we say something along the lines of "The Athenian encourages letters to the editor." The problem is that we didn't expJain to which editor you should write letters (obviously we mean this editor--me). This error will no longer show up in subsequent issues. On to your point. We have never used the First Amendment to justify ourselves because nobody (both contributors and readers) takes The Athenian seriously enough to require justification of anything printed therein. In my four years with this organization, I cannot remember a single time we have put the word "Amendment" directly after the word "First" in any context, nor has anyone ever asked us to do so. I could be wrong (this happens regularly). It is true· that what we write is "inappropriate and unnecessary" (emphasis on "unnecessary.") However, we're not in the

can is not making a statement, it's being irresponsible with your right to free speech. I can't stand the people who carry the first amendment in a holster on their side, ready to pull it out at will as justification for their inappropriate remarks and characterizations. People should be offended when other people characterize others based on their sexual preference, ethnicity or in some other inappropriate manner. Whether they know it or not, such statements hurt others, yet there's no reason for them. When you can express yourself in so many ways, why do you have to do it this way? To me, it shows a lack of grasp of the English language and general disregard for the feelings of others. It's time people took responsibility for what comes out of their mouths. The first amendment should be viewed as the right to say something, not as the fortress to hide behind after you say it.

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Alexander Cooke Undergraduate Student

business of taking responsibility for what comes out of our mouths, since The Athenian doesn't come out of anyone's mouth. We try to bring satire to the masses (the "OMG I Hate Nerds" article is a ripoff of an Observer article, by the way), and since most people at Case find The Athenian funny, we're going to continue doing the things that we've always done. Instead of "Athenian abuses first amendment freedoms," your letter should be titled "I found certain parts of The Athenian unfunny." Your argument might be a good weapon for defeating those who actually misuse the First Amendment, but it is useless for destroying fortresses that do not exist. Hugs and kisses, The editor P.S. Everyone on our staff thought your letter was hilarious. Would you like to contribute to us? Our e-mail address is athenian@case.edu.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR should be e-mailed to athenian@case.edu, but sho~ld under no circumstances be mailed to The OBSERVER OFFICE, 11111 Euclid Ave., Cleveland, OH 44106. Letters need to include the writer's full name, hair color, bra size, pet hamster, car keys, bank account information, and religion. Letters from organizations must contain the name of an individual for harassment purposes. Writi~§s may be edited in order to reflect id~as deemed "acceptable" by The A!henil!n aAEI(~~ make an ass out of the wnt 7r. Letters over 40009.Q"'words wilybe d~1eted119n the spot. Letters can be received whenever, be · e ho e$tly on't J¢ceive many. /,~. \

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The Athenian is the trilyi unde radu\te}fudent humor magazine of Case Western Reserve sity. Established i~/2000, The Athenian exists to ~se University moner, ,r!;J~ ~f:~n~ ~hin~s. The Athenian 1s a proud member of.t. e Case 1\11 . :vert1sing information -c . / ' contact your mother. ······-·--'

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Taste of Cleveland HANK LILAC-CAN Staff "Reporter" Ohio City One of the great shining examples of Cleveland's "economic resurgence", Ohio City consists of a collection of shops, restaurants, and apartments along West 25th Street near the Lorain intersection, then a whole lot of neighborhood the wellwishers tend to ignore. Standing proudly over the W. 25-Lorain intersection is the West Side Market, a collection of small food stalls enclosed in an old train station. You can find just about anything there, from obscure cheeses to expertly cut meat to fresh, organic vegetables to foreign cuisine to skinned, bisected goat heads. Attached to this is a collection of fine Arabic and Greek restaurants, which aren't exactly classy but tend to be reliably decent. The other shops in the are offer nothing of value. Bastions of crappy furniture, kitschy crap, and moped outlets, most of the stores in Ohio City exist because businessmen from the sub-burbs took a look at the dropping property values and virtually crapped their pants. Not only do they offer things only other suburbanites want or can pay for, but they do so under the claim that they're helping to revitalize

a failing area. Just ignore all the homeless that wander up and down the strip. At best, they've got a few bus passes to sell you. At worst, they just need two bucks for "the bus." Once shooting other human beings become legal again, I can guarantee you that the local merchants association will have this infestation cleared right up. Just try to avoid walking half a mile in any direction or you might witness just how healthy the Ohio City economy is. Tremont Kind oflike Ohio City's asshole cousin. Only with more churches. To be fair, Tremont is actually an area with some rich community attractions. The public park there is well maintained and features a swimming pool that's popular in the summer months. Local bars that have stood since time in memorial are still decent places to hang out and maybe get a good meal, even if the Lincoln Park Pub ruined its image by daring to get repainted. Houses of worship come a dime a dozen (competing with nearby Church Square for religious redundancy), including a variety of Protestant denominations, Catholic churches for about six different ethnic groups, and a Russian Orthodox church a hop-skip-and-a-hallelujah away. There's

even a local Shakespearean troupe that occasionally performs in the park in the Summer and in one of the churches during the winter (I saw them do a fine Macbeth, although budget constraints restricted costumes down to black turtlenecks for everyone). However, Tremont is also flushed with high-class restaurants. Very high class. As in, why the hell am I even telling college students they exist? How swank are these places? So swank they have valets, that park your car four blocks over in the projects and expect a twenty-dollar tip for doing so. Seriously, it's like watching a dog piss on your leg and then beg for a treat. How good is the food there? Well, they use a really obscure kind of bread, so that chicken sandwich you had is obviously worth the twelve-dollar price tag. The cheapest food I ever got at Tremont came from a Church function where aging hippies got together and discussed how to make Cleveland more socialist. Did I mention all the Churches? Boy, I'd hate to miss that. I can give you two reasons to visit Tremont. One, somewhere in that waspy mess is buried a kick-ass little ice cream shop. Two, on nearby Denison road is an intersection with three gas stations. It's competition in your favor.

Four Random Films, Reviewed with Care SAM RIVIER Staff "Reporter" Last weekend on January 12th, as part of a tribute to the work of filmmaker Ken Jacobs, the Cleveland Museum of Art

showed a series of films made by, about, and inspired from the influential artist. All made in the last year, these films showcase the best of2002's video art scene, and demonstrate keenly what modem art in a nonclassical medium is all about.

Friday, March 31, 2006 7:00pm, 9:00pm, 11:00pm

The Shaggy Bad Actor (2006) Rated PG (98 min.) Director: Brian Robbins With Tim Allen, Kristin Davis, Zena Grey The Shaggy Bad Actor actually was probably the best movie ever made. It is not very realistic, though. When Tim Allen's character is chasing the cat and rams the old lady for example, she goes flying and hits a tree. She probably should have exploded. I like my dog transformation movies to be more realistic than that. My favorite quote was "Wow, you sure are a great actor, Tim Allen!" On a scale of good to bad, I would probably give this movie 12 gold stars and a burrito. Seeing it is life changing. We all need a shaggy bad actor. Saurday, April 1, 2006 7:00pm, 9:00pm, 11:00pm

InfraViolet (2006) Rated PG-13 (88 min.) Director: Kurt Wimmer Milla Jovovich, Cameron Bright, Nick Chinlund InfraViolet is easily the best movie that I have ever seen. Probably better than all other movies combined. Violet is this girl with boobs. The director, Kurt Wimmer, also directed Equilibrium, but it didn't have much in the way of boobs, so it wasn't as good. There was fighting in this movie too, which made it even better. There was this one part where this big thing exploded, and I got pretty excited at this point. I'm not sure why it exploded, but they Violet started jumping around with her boobs, so I'm pretty sure it was just a metaphor for boobs. The best quote in the movie was this one time when you almost got to see Violet's nipple. I give it a hundred platinum check marks for quality. General Admission $3.00 Remember, movie piracy is illegal, no matter how shitty the film is. Sacstroker Auditorium Case Quad

Free Parking In Rear

1. Flo Rounds the Corner - Ken Jacobs Jacobs's subject, Flo, walks down the street and around the comer. It delivers what it promises. However, there is more to it than that. I will take the risk of demeaning Jacobs 's work by calling it a study, because essentially that is what it is. It's a study for his own medium, and a study for the audience. It opens up an entirely new perspective on the possibilities of not only film, but any attempt at medial representation one can think of. Shot using a stereoscopic camera, the action is run segmentally, pausing for several moments to replay several frames over repeatedly, or mismatch different angles in the stereoscopic film. What results is an interesting perspective on the illusion of motion and of depth, and perhaps even the reliance in modem film of using the former to suggest the latter. Jacobs vividly demonstrates how far our minds go to generate this illusion, and even seems to laugh at the willingness of modem film audiences to let themselves become completely engrossed in so blatant a misrepresentation of reality.

2. Nervous Ken - Henry Hill Hill is filming an interview in black and white of Ken Jacobs at his studio by a pre-teen girl. Though the girl asks Jacobs very interesting questions, the interview is not the point of the film. Hill uses this opportunity to both poke fun at and probe the nature of what he and Jacobs do in their art, and he always keeps a sense of humor about it. The subject is how motion shapes form in a two-dimensional medium, but the film also seemed to try to hit on human language and the parallels of the vocal and visual attempts of humans to communicate their reality to others. Using a technique similar to that of Flo Rounds the Comer, Hill selects random bits of visual footage and runs through them, repeating frames in a slow progression showing bit by bit how the motion is being conveyed. The associated audio tracks are played alongside each frame, and the effect is that the conveyence of the sound is slowly revealed to the audience, but in a way so broken that it loses all meaning that that sound would otherwise carry in a normal progression. This breaking-down of the action often occurs at very

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Sc In almost every relationship, it's an issue somehow. Whether it's something that's happened, or something that one (or both) people in a relationship are simply paranoid about, it can be the cause of a breakup. It's ended countless relationships through history. I'm talking, of course, about cheating. The problem with cheating is that once your SO finds out, it's going to be all kinds of trouble. That's why it's very important that when you break the bond of trust between the two of you, you need to cover your tracks, so that your filthy, dirty secret can never be found. Remember: it's only wrong if you get caught defiling the sacred union formed between two people who care for each other. The first step is to remember the opposing gender name for anyone who you betray your SO's trust with. You can put these names into your cell phone, and they will not look suspicious. For example, Judy can be James, Andrew becomes Audrey, and Rodney converts to Rhodna. If you ever forget your phone at the ol' ball and chain's place, you can breathe easy knowing that the worst that can happen is your sexuality being questioned. The first step is to be ready at any moment to emotionally crush the person with whom you choose to violate the sanctity of your current relationship. Nice people don't cheat in the first place, so if it looks like your side-lay might start blabbing, you shouldn't have much trouble pumping yourself up for a good, solid character assassination. The third and final step is to remember our old friend Blunt Head Trauma. On the off chance that that pesky better half of yours does find out you've been fooling around, a few well-placed bludgeons can oftentimes clean the memory of the past few hours to a sparkling fresh finish. If it doesn't work the first time, try a few more. If nothing else, they'll get less and less prone to figure out you're up to anything. Now get out there and break some hearts, tiger!

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ATHENIAN

stateyo rcase~ What's the Worst Part About Being at Case?

1, 2006

Black boxes we. need more writers. Now. athenian@case.edu

Why, thank you! Mothman Prophecies was my favorite movie too!"

RICHARD GERE, ACTOR

New Convenient On-Campus Location!! "SAGES"

EDWARD HUNDERT, PRESIDENT

Help is Out of Reach. "SAGES 11

JOHN ANDERSON, PROVOST

I'm the guy who lives behind the midget door!

GARY COLEMAN, PROTECTIVE SERVICES Athenian/Scott Milinovich

Students mocked and ridiculed! First walk in free, after that you need to pay for us to break your computer.

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APRIL

1, 2006

THE ATHENIAN â&#x20AC;˘

Ultimate Frisbee: Not A Sport, Stupid As Hell

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PHILLIP SEITZER Sports "Reporter"

Despite a wide fan base and a tradition that spans nearly 4 decades, the sport known as Ultimate Frisbee, or simply Ultimate, is not actually a sport, but is, in fact, a bunch of retards throwing a Frisbee around. While many would argue that Ultimate Frisbee is as (ifnot more) legitimate than sports such as soccer or basketball, no, actually, they are wrong. Ultimate Frisbee is played by two teams of seven people each on a field of 64 meters by 37 meters. Teammates throw a Frisbee back and forth to each other, being careful not to run while possessing the Frisbee. The

objective is to receive a teammate's pass while standing in the opposing team's end zone, thus scoring points. The first team to achieve a predetermined number of points is declared the winner. When queried, Longtime Ultimate enthusiast Paul Morphy described ultimate Frisbee as "the best sport of all" and "a great workout, dude, not to mention, ultimate." Morphy than adjusted his tie-die headband and described a "monster catch" that was "totally killer" in the Ultimate Frisbee team's recent victory. Not everyone had positive things to say regarding the Case Ultimate team, however. One Nelson "Math Master" Fitzgerald, a member of the Nerds-Who-Hit-Other-Nerds-With-Foam-

Shit-Outside-Of-Leutner-Every-SundayAfternoon Team, described the Ultimate team as "a bunch of arrogant jerks" who "suck at everything." Nelson also spoke about the legitimacy of foam sword warfare, and how this growing sport would likely overtake Ultimate Frisbee in terms of popularity in the future. Despite criticism, Ultimate players have confidence in their sport and plan for a bright future. Ultimate player Ron Sawyer reports, "People who don't like Ultimate are like, retarded or something." He also added that to avoid confusion, the name of the sport should be changed to "Ultimate Amazing Magnificent Wonderful Incredible Superior Frisbee."

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'Two want ads on the same yaBe? Write or us! athenian@case.edu

Highland Games Come to Case CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS Layout Editor

In a move calculated to solidify the bonds among all men who wear skirts, the Case Spartans - fierce skirt-girded warriors, according to the history books - are joining with the kilt-clothed Scots to add the traditional Highland Games events to our spring track roster. The most important new event will also be one of the most iconic - the caber toss. Similar to javelin in some respects but differing in scale, the caber toss involves picking up and throwing a telephone pole as far as you can. The event is not, however, scored on distance so much as on accuracy. This is probably good, since I'd want anybody throwing trees near me to be more accurate than strong anyway. It is rumored that the introduction of events such as this one is part of the ongoing campaign to lessen the "geeky" image of Case students. Heavy focus on upperbody-strength-intensive sports like those of the Highland Games may succeed in this by building a generation of buffed-out computer programmers and physicists. Or it may not. When questioned about the rumors, one student, Mortimer MacDaftman replied, "Aye donnae know where ye be gettin' such ideas, laddie, but Aye can tell ye that it be nae' but a load of blarney!" (Our field reporter was summarily executed for reporting that quote. We don't know what's up with it either. ÂˇGuy must have been Scotch-Irish or something.) Anyway, now that I'm done proving that you can be racially insensitive to white people, too, I shoultlprobably getback to actual reporting. Other events will include Stone Put- which is like that new-fangled shot put, but with rocks, and heavier - and Sheaf Toss -which consists of seeing how high you can throw 16 pounds of straw. Hammer Throw, Weight Toss, and Weightover-the-Bar are also under consideration. These events involve throwing increasingly larger and larger weights - up to 56 pounds or so - for presumably decreasing distances. These events exist solely for those lucky few who did not herniate themselves during the Stone Put. I What effect these new events will have, both on the competition and on the campus community, remains uncertain. So far, the only noticeable disturbance has been from SCUM, or Student Curling is Underfunded Majorly. This radical activist group is insisting that a curling team be added to the school, despite the fact that curling is not traditionally part of the Highland Games. For developments, keep your newsprintstained hands tuned to this paper.

ZOMGW F?! · I FUKD UR MO INS'·. ' . B EYAC . ..

•

1, 2006

APRIL

1, 2006

(lassies may be purchased at our office for €0.50 a line. We accept only genuine Euros dipped in 24k gold. We do not accept US dollars because we're unpatriotic terrorists like that. And we don't accept Rubles because we're jerks. We reserve the right to fling monkey poo at your classies until we like the pattern it creates. If you don't like these (lassies, we encourage you to indulge in some monkey poo throwing yourself. You can rent our trained poo-generating monkeys for $5.00/hour to supply yourself with ammunition (the monkeys refuse to take part in our terrorist plots and so insist upon being paid with US currency.) (lassies: Apartment to let: 2 Bedroom, 1 Bath, 3 Bloodstains, Utilities, Parking. Call for rate and location: 555-769-5368. SAGES Peer Writing Crew: Please, come make an appointment, please! Don't you love us any more? Is it the "SAGES" in our name? We can change it! We can change, we swear! Just don't leave us! Seeking surrogate mother, 20-30 yrs., Caucasian, willing to dedicate considerable time and effort, must eat well, no history of disease, no drug use. Compensation based on performance. Call 555-773-4437 for specifics.

--North Kooved Leader again threat: other kids if ator was then food for dinto play with o control his

•ndes

Seeking cheap prostitute, 20-30 yrs., Caucasian, willing to dedicate considerable time and effort, must eat well, no history of disease, no drug use. Compensation based on performance. Call 555-773-443 7 for specifics. The Observer - it's not just for hobos anymore! Desperate jack/fat-ass seeks girl with no standards. Call 216-978-5662 today! Sorority loves some girl.

THE ATHENIAN •

This is not a waste of space. If you're still reading, you must not be one of those sensitive readers.

This is not a waste of space.

That means you must be insensitive.

This is not a waste of space.

If you're an insensitive reader, the next item might be for you.

This is not a waste of space.

Sorority loves some girl. Sorority loves some girl. Boy wonders why Fraternity never says it loves him. Sorority loves some girl.

ily for more

Sorority loves some girl.

,ehind Case omment bem, but their oriously and 1is article in Daily.

The Athenian loves Kathleen. Last seen, the baby deer was down in Adelaide, looking through the want ads, sipping Foster's in the shade.

This is not a waste of space. This is not a wa-OOF. Brains, brains everywhere, but not a drop to serve to my pet zombie. His name is Zephram.

This is not a waste of space. SENSITIVITY TRAINING this Saturday in Thwing. Bring whips and chains so we can show you why S&M makes you a bad person. Cost $5.

Durhh, what? This is not a waste of space. Huh? This is not a waste of space. Oh.

Little old lady got mutilated late last night, baby deer of Cleveland again.

This is not a waste of space. Okay. This is not a waste of space.

Ever wonder what happens if it's not <deity of choice>? What if <deity not of choice> shows up? Will he/she/it/they get mentioned by name? Speaking of names, shouldn't Prince ("The Artist," whatever) sue J. K. Rowling for infringement of his He-Who-CannotBe-Named thing. Lord V. probably can't play guitar, though. Or piano. But the Death Eaters might look smashing in Raspberry Berets. Rowr! The baby deer loves Warren Zevon. Classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies. This was the best 50 cents I've ever spended.

Sorority loves some girl. nk voted no

Did you know that The Athenian uses The Observer's computers for layout? I bet you didn't. I bet you also didn't know that "Observer" is a swear word in Swahili. I bet you also didn't know that an anagram for "Observer" is "Sever Rob."

This is not a waste of space.

To the batcave! And by batcave I mean confessional! Orf. Ort. Froot.

This is not a waste of space. This is not a waste of space.

Batfaced, bug-eyed, booger-nosed, baloney-brained, beetle-butt

This is not a waste of space. Greek Life is Phi-Upsilon-Kappa-IotaNu-Gamma Delta-Upsilon-Mu-Beta Tum in your goddamn room inventories! The last University president to have a vote of no-confidence made against him was Agnar Pytte. He has a science center named after him. Amount of money earned by printing actual, serious classies that people tum in: $1.50. Amount of money spent by printing fake classies written by staffers: $323.00. EECS Professor for Wittke Award! Haha, just kidding. CS class cancelled because of broken overhead projector. Three dead.

OLLYWOLLYPOLLIWOGGYUMPBUMPFIZZ This is the end. The end of a friend. The end. Now the song is over now, and now the song is over now. Sign at Mi Pueblo: MEXICAN Hundert Eats Self, Craps Out Mobius Strip. Dr. Pants and the amazing Pants-0-Matic Filler, sweet filler The Athenian says "bye" to Draque, David Forman, Bryan Kim, Scott Milinovich, and maybe some other people.

Thisis not a waste of space ..

This is not a waste of space.

I promise it isn't.

This is not a waste of space.

Rob helped us out a lot with this issue. I hope he doesn't get fired from (or severed by) The Observer.

This is not a waste of space.

American History X and Jason X share nothing in common.

This is not a waste of space.

My stream of consciousness is yellow and leads to a urinal. Unary Walkway Just a Single Brick

This is not a waste of space. Foom! Go JTeam Antarctica! This is not a waste of space.

aCn anny ofus her actuly tpye?

Quick! To the First Amendment Fortress! Fuck damn shit ass bitch whore.

This is not a waste of space.

According to Dr. Who, in the future, space is ruled by the British.

Roger that. Extra punctuation, apply as needed: ' " ; : .. ' > ? ? ? < [ ) ] ( ; : $ ' : : " ' * of six gi)bot army. if the most complete lkers, mp3 md leather benefit elLge due to t successruction of . then this trigger if r any reaant robots t value of

nCase ~n located, iH!! Aii!!

And one for the monkey. The baby deer requests that its father send lawyers, guns, and money.

This issue was printed using THC (tomato-hamburger-carrot) juice as ink and rolling papers as, well, paper.

This is not a waste of space.

I'm being deserted!

This is not a waste of space.

Leak now or forever hold your pees.

Keep repeating to yourself: "This is not a waste of space."

This is not a waste of space.

FOOM

Corned beef.

Well it's time for meat o leave.

Rice Pilaf

Where?

Applesauce

More importantly, why?

Pear juice

Oh well.

This is not a waste of space.

Discliminatoly phlase in Engrish.

This is not a waste of space.

Vague pop-culture reference.

This is not a waste of space.

The baby deer is just an excitable boy.

This is not a waste of space.

Sorority loves some girl again.

This is not a waste of space.

Innuendo, baby, ooooh yeah.

This is not a waste of space.

Pumpkin pie Yellow peppers Pizza The baby deer aimed its Thompson gun, it didn't say a word.

This is not a waste of space. Apricots This is not a waste of space.

The Athenian Classies are a <deity of choice>-free zone. However, <deity of choice> is about all The Athenian is ever free from. Sensitive readers are warned to stopTeading now.

Nori This is not a waste of space. Tea

Classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, .classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies, classies.

This is not a waste of space. Salisbury steak

Urgh.

The "We've Parodied Tuts Alread5"Funpase M A T y I D

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