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Editor’s Note To understand how it all began, we need to start in the belly of the beast which, on this hot March morning, was the collective stomach of the entire Athenian executive board. We had congregated in Wade Oval, engaging in customary shenanigans in preparation for our weekly lunch. Mahima was reading through her new thesaurus with a crestfallen expression. Ashley and JP had begun placing signs reading “Veale” in front of Kelvin Smith Library, Tinkham Veale University Center and Thwing Center in preparation for the prospies visiting later that day. The rest of us had gathered to sort through several trash bags full of fan mail for that week. Eventually, Anastazia’s special order from L’Albatros was delivered. The rest of the staff eagerly circled around the basket as I began to pull out the much-anticipated food. “Alright,” I called out. “We have café au lait, des chaussons aux pommes, des oeufs brouillés…” I trailed off in horror. “Oh no,” David cried out. “This is breakfast food. At lunch.”
“What a calamitous and flagitious deed,” decried Mahima, now determined not to suffer buyer’s remorse. “Unacceptable,” declared Paul, who has always had a delicate constitution, and also, a delicate Constitution which he now carefully unrolled. “Article 6 clearly states that only….” We ignored his mutters. “I bet I know what happened,” Michael asserted. “We’ve been sabotaged by another SEC organization.” “Sure, let’s investigate that before considering any other options,” I replied. I directed the staff to split up and find out what the other Student Executive Council organizations had been doing that morning. A few hours later, we all returned with our findings. “USG has been busy holding a giveaway where they just return the winner’s Student’s Activity Fee,” explained Shounak. “I checked on RHA,” Letty announced. “They haven’t budged from constructing a new residence hall.” “And UPB has been at Thwing Tuesday all morning,” announced Erin. “It’s just
Adderall at this point in the semester.” Similarly, the others recounted how the organizations they checked on had been cleared of suspicion. Well, that could only mean one thing—the traitor was one of us all along. I called Anastazia, our only missing member, to ask where she had been all day. “I’ve been working on that story about that humanities student that’s rumored to exist somewhere on campus,” she explained. “Some prospies just had a spotting. Why, is something wrong with the brunch food I ordered?” “Brunch? What is this brunch? Some hellish portmanteau of breakfast and lunch?” I gasped. “So this was your doing all along? I accept your confession and resignation,” I spit out and hung up. “Hooray,” cried Kushagra, now the Managing Editor. “But she was the only one who knew what the next issue theme would be. What should we do?” “I’m feeling a bit villainous,” I announced. “Let’s do…. The Brunch Issue.”
Tejas Joshi Editor-in-Chief
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Chipotle now does brunch Paul Palumbo Late risers, rejoice. Chipotle has heard the desires of all college students who cry out in the late morning. Our prayers for a restaurant that will cater to our sleep schedule have been answered. Chipotle has officially announced its plans for a Special Brunch Menu™. While the news is appreciated, the announcement itself comes with a few questions. Does Chipotle even do breakfast? Why this radical shift in direction? Do people still go to Chipotle? And what kind of immune system do those people have? The statement, thankfully, answered these questions. It read: “We are proud to announce our new Special Brunch Menu™. We here at Chipotle are hoping that a
on Sundays. We hope to see you there!”
“We here at Chipotle are hoping that a brunch menu will help us win back some of the customers who left when certain things happened” When asked what the Special Brunch Menu™ will include, a Chipotle representative stated,
“It’s all there in the announcement. We’ll be opening earlier on Sundays to appeal to the brunch crowd.” Our follow-up question asking if the Special Brunch Menu™ will add any items to the actual menu itself was met with a blank, confused stare. The representative asked, “What, do you want us to serve eggs or something?” There you have it, folks. “Hipotle” is jumping on the brunch bandwagon with absolutely no idea of what brunch actually means. Stayed tuned for the new special from Dynomite, “Burgers Exactly at 2:06 a.m. and No Other Time.”
“Does Chipotle even do breakfast? ” brunch menu will help us win back some of the customers who left when certain things happened. Things our investors have legally forbidden us from mentioning. The new Special Brunch Menu™ brings early afternoon snacking to Chipotle. For the Special Brunch Menu™, we will be opening a whole half an hour earlier
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Bregg-xit: Brunch votes to leave lunch Paul Palumbo After a surprising upset, Brunch has officially decided to end its involvement with Lunch. This shocking development came after months of Eggs and Bacon complaining that Lunch didn’t take their needs seriously enough. Ham and Apples tried their hardest to appease the fuming food, but there was no c oming to an agreement. The partnership that is Brunch is coming to an end. Henceforth, the Bregg-xit will take place exactly one month from today. What does this mean for Brunch? Brunch now has control of its timeframe, allowing it to be placed at any point between 6 a.m. and 11 a.m. on Saturdays and Sundays. It also regains control over what is and is not allowed on its plate. For years, Lunch has been forcing Brunch to put up with things like salads, which many believe have no place in Brunch. However this divide comes at a cost for Brunch, who has lost the right to include lunch-y things like steak. Many are happy that
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Brunch is once more in control of its own destiny, but others worry it could soon be overshadowed by the most important meal of all: Breakfast. Lunch, meanwhile, lost much of the popularity it gained during the weekend. It’s true that Lunch is successful enough Monday through Friday, but the extra two days with Brunch proved to be the most requested form of Lunch. That being said, Lunch can now fully embrace the super-late risers. Before, people waking up at 2 or 3 p.m. missed out on Brunch, and had
to wait for dinner for a proper meal. With Lunch no longer tied to Brunch on the weekends, it can set itself whenever it wants. Many have asked whether a weekend Brunch with no lunch items and a timeframe between 6 a.m. and 11 a.m. is just “Breakfast on the Weekend.” These people are missing the point entirely. Brunch is a sacred agreement between Breakfast and Lunch to put aside their differences on the weekend and work together to make sure everybody gets a meal when they wake up, no matter how late they rise. Yet with the Brunch Bregg-xit, many are worried about future meals splitting apart. Dessert has an agreement to come right after Dinner, but suddenly it may want its own time, dedicated solely to itself. These are turbulent times for food fans everywhere. We’ll report when new developments arise.
The first message in USG’s comment box
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March Sa
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e ns mor Happence a year o than
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arpe Summer!
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Not reading the Athenian Getting left-swiped
Getting leftswiped
Sparty!
Ugh
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Now available for rent in 3 sizes!
Doors
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s famed investigative team or saddest thing of all.
Sparty! Unlimited mealswipes Sexiled by your roommate
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Tejas Joshi
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Trump approves contentious pipe pipeline Eddie Kerekes WASHINGTON—Yesterday, President Donald Trump signed an executive order to build a massive pipeline through the western portion of the United States. The pipeline, set to be called the Piperloop, will extend from southern Washington to eastern Montana and deliver pipes to every pipe smoker in the western half of the country. According to Census estimates, one half of all US citizens west of the Mississippi River smoke pipes. After the Great Recession, the cost of shipping from East Coast manufacturers dramatically increased. White House documents state that building the pipeline will create millions of permanent jobs. Estimates on the cost, the exact numbers of jobs added and the effect of the pipe on the environment were not disclosed. The pipeline is dividing Congressmen along party lines with Republicans unanimously supporting it and Democrats wholly against it. Right-leaning Montana Representative Ryan Zinke said in a statement, “The great State of Montana welcomes the Piperloop because it helps all residents, not just the ones who smoke with pipes. Our most famous residents, actress Michelle Williams and that one rancher with the most 8
land, agree with me wholeheartedly.” supporters. However, various national media outlets will not pipe down about the proposed plan. David Fahrenthold of the Washington Post reported that the pipeline will cost over one billion dollars and the plan has not been reviewed by any federal agency. The Observer’s Celia Wan is claiming Case Western Reserve University Neither Williams nor the rancher President Barbara R. Snyder concould be reached for comment. tributed $500,000 to help construct Zinke went on to note that the new the pipe. Coincidentally, tuition is pipeline fulfills Trump’s campaign expected to increase eight percent promise to fight for the forgotten next year and 15 percent the followAmerican. At every single one of ing year. Additionally, the Clark Hall Trump’s speeches, chants of “Build renovation timeline has been extendthe pipe” broke out. It quickly beed another three years. came a unifying rallying cry for his In addition to the economic cost of
“Trump promises there will be no leaks unless former President Barack Obama organizes them.”
the pipeline, there are also dramatic environmental costs. Environmental groups including Greenpeace, the Earth Liberation Front and the CWRU Student Sustainability Council are gravely concerned about potential pipeline leakage. Trump promises there will be no leaks unless former President Barack Obama organizes them. Following up on another one of Trump’s lies, Alexander Burns of the New York Times reveals that millions of undocumented immigrants, or as Trump calls them “bad hombres,” will be used to build the pipeline. Astute readers may remember that the president received
criticism when it was revealed in August that Trump Tower was built
“White House documents state that building the pipeline will create millions of permanent jobs.” by illegal immigrants. Burns also said the company responsible for building and maintaining the pipeline is headed by Vladimir V. Nitup, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson’s best friend. Trump responded to all of these
criticisms, as he normally does, on Twitter. He tweeted hours ago, “FAKE NEWS (failing @nytimes @washingtonpost @cwruobserver) LIES about pipeline. They should apologize for making up stories. Sad!” Though it looks like the pipe is all but certain to be built, various anti-Trump groups are organizing members to act against it. A march planned through Facebook to protest the pipe’s construction, the People In Protest Event (PIPE), already has over one million people interested, though only 30,000 are actually planning on attending as of press time.
NIH grants $2 million to study if weekday brunch is possible Oksinav Aizatsana The National Institute of Health has just approved a $2 million grant funding a new study that will answer the question that occupies everybody’s mind before mid-afternoon Monday through Friday: Is weekday brunch a viable social outing for people with nothing going on before 1 p.m.? Researchers hypothesize that it is. In a statement explaining the rationale behind choosing this brunch study for funding, Michael Lauer, the NIH’s director of extramural research, said, “Reviewers were touched by the researcher’s personal connections to the research question. We are proud to provide funding for this study, which promises to alter how we go about our daily lives.” The three researchers directing the study cited various reasons for inves-
tigating weekday brunch’s potential. One man described eating Sunday brunch every day with his grandparents, who both recently passed away after suffering from Alzheimer’s. He hopes to recreate these Sunday memories on Tuesdays, and possibly Thursdays. Another researcher uses brunch as a way to bond with her children. The final researcher simply stated in the grant proposal that he didn’t understand everyone’s fascination with brunch, and since his weekends are too busy to fit brunch into the schedule, he’s hoping that a weekday brunch might help him to understand the hype. One reviewer, Lindsay Chen, reported that the majority of reviewers found the third researcher’s story to be the most tragic, and that his quest to understand brunch is the
ultimate reason that they chose this study for the grant. She added, “We couldn’t fathom a world in which we didn’t understand the significance of brunch, so we just couldn’t let anyone else continue to live that way.” Other top contenders for funding included developing a cure for Alzheimer’s and investigating the possibility of brunch after 3 p.m. Although they didn’t make the final cut, each will receive an honorable mention for their efforts. Weekday brunch will only be determined a success if it provides the same level of satisfaction and bliss as weekend brunch. If the result is even a little lower, the experiment will be deemed a failure and weekday brunch will be outlawed, with the hope that eating an illegal meal will be more satisfying.
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Neo-Nazi Group complains about misunderstandings Steve Kerby CLEVELAND, OH—American Nazi Party (ANP) leaders have issued a short notice to the public to raise awareness of an increase in misunderstandings between Nazi Party members and the general public. With groups of ANP protesters taking to the streets to protest the new administration’s lack of racial cleansing, the pamphlet includes details of different Nazi symbols that are often misconstrued. “We’ve told all 12 of our members to print 100 copies each. We’re sending them out across the country to teach everyone about our customs and hopefully avoid future mistakes,” commented Rocky Suhayda, chair of the ANP. The most common misunderstanding, Suhayda claims, is the Nazi salute. Prominent historian Robert Alpers notes that raising the right hand, palm open, was a very common salute around the world “until those damn Nazis ruined it for everyone.” Recently, ANP protesters at an Ohio State football game complained that when they “Heil Hitler,” they are drowned out by the cheers of the surrounding sports fans and are met with enthusiastic high fives. ANP member Will Bitrich, on further questioning,
complained that “those no-good liberals don’t get it. We don’t want to touch their filthy communist hands. Seig Heil!” while saluting vigorously. The Athenian tech assistant, who had been playing on his phone, happily high-fived Bitrich, who stormed out in a furor. Martin Bormann, chair of the ANP
Symbolism Committee, mentioned that there is also significant confusion about the swastika on Nazi paraphernalia. “We’ve had way too many Hindus, Buddhists and Jains come up and compliment us on our swastikas. First, they have no business in this country, and second nobody associates swastikas with their thousand-year old religions anymore.” Alpers once again piped up, pointing
Things to take a stand on Jess Chalas Steps Ladders Fountain edges Tables Stools Stacks of books 10
Rooftops Bridge railings Windowsills Cliffsides Tree branches
out that their flags were all printed the wrong way from Third Reich flags; historically swastikas pointed left, but ANP gear did not conform to the reverse swastika of Nazi Germany. Bormann countered by saluting vigorously (earning another high five) and calling Alpers’ racial heritage into question. Finally, the ANP has seen an uptick in being mistaken for heavy metal bands or biker gangs. Carl Oberg, head of consignment, noted, “Naziism has always been associated with tight, leather pants and shiny boots. It’s not fair that other people are culturally appropriating our signature look.” Overall, the combination of these three factors have significantly diminished the ANP’s ability to protest effectively, despite their record increase in meeting attendance (10 in 2016 to 12 in 2017). One Twitter user and ANP member, @stevebannon2, angrily posted that he was going to sue the United States government for their lack of protection. When the American Civil Liberties Union was asked to comment on ANP requests for legal defense, no response was discernable over raucous laughter.
Reds go on strike, win first game Eddie Kerekes
CHICAGO— In a shocking turn of events, the Cincinnati Reds won their first game of the 2017 season while being on strike, defeating the reigning World Series champion Chicago Cubs 3-0. It was hard to not notice the team was missing, as none of the people on the field even remotely resembled baseball players. Their pants were either too long or too short, some didn’t even have numbers on their uniforms and the first baseman played without a glove. The right fielder was literally a dog—a golden retriever named Bud— who snagged every ball hit to him. Yet, somehow this ragtag group of misfits were victorious against the team who won it all last year. Starting pitcher Orval Overall pitched a complete game shutout, striking out 11 Cubs in his major league debut. After the game Overall said, “I just went out there and threw my best.
I know I won’t ever get this opportunity again, so I gave 110 percent, just like they told me. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have to make it to my shift at the power plant.” Cubs players were flabbergasted. Superstar Kris Bryant said, “A hat tip to that whole team. I did not expect them to be that good and we got swamped out there. Just absolutely destroyed. Honestly, it’s embarrassing. Please leave me alone.” Slugger Coco Crisp blasted a home run far over the Wrigley Field bleachers in the first inning to give the Reds the early lead. The team did not know how to celebrate and was wildly confused. The team’s center fielder went home, thinking the game was over, and the Reds played with eight men (technically seven men and one dog) for the rest of the evening. The other two runs were scored when, with runners on second and
third, Cubs hurler Jon Lester uncorked a wild pitch, allowing both to score. The fourth inning miscue will surely be played on Sportscenter’s Not Top 10 for weeks to come. By the poor play on the field, fans were constantly reminded they were not watching major leaguers. Both teams combined for six errors in the game, with the Cubs contributing five of those. Early on the game, Cubs fielders were visibly confused by the inexperienced Reds “players” running the wrong way on the bases. The end result was free baserunners. Just moments after the game ended, the real Reds announced that they were ending the strike immediately. Reds fans collectively groaned. Meanwhile, Cubs fans are circulating an online petition demanding that the ownership locks out their championship team. It has 100,000 signatures as of press time.
Brunch plans put on back burner, ignite Erin Hartmann
NEW HAVEN, CT—Fifty-twoyear-old Marie Sanders wakes up promptly at 8 a.m. as she always does on Sunday mornings. She hops out of bed and orders her daily Starbucks on the app, feeling a wave of dread for the upcoming “Ladies Over the Hill” book club meeting in the afternoon. Ever since she drunkenly spilled wine on the rug and puked on the bathroom floor at Sally’s house during the discussion of “Fifty Shades Darker,” she has not been welcome. Despite bringing a muffin basket, members of the club continue to subtweet her. After her coffee is delivered, she sits down in her leopard print recliner and scrolls
through Instagram, mentally preparing herself for her next attempt to please these women: brunch. She had already made a fresh batch of muffins and pancakes and put eggs on the hot stove for later. Suddenly her phone went off and, to her chagrin, it was Sally texting the group chat. “On second thought, I would rather have waffles than pancakes,” Sally stated. “Ooohhhh I could so go for that right now,” said Claire. “I’d rather have waffles, too, tbh,” wrote Margaret. Marie sighed and rolled her eyes. How could they change their minds
after she had already prepared half the meal? These indecisive menopausal women were infuriating. She walked around the kitchen island just as the home phone rang. She trudged to the parlor to answer it only to stumble upon another nightmare: her mother. After 10 minutes of her mother rambling about her father’s drinking problem, she hung up. As she walked back into the kitchen, she was welcomed by the fresh smell of smoke and the sight of bright yellow flames. Upon leaving the kitchen she had left her phone on the back burner behind the pan of eggs. Unfortunately, her phone, along with her brunch plans, had ignited. 11
Local voter takes Trump’s comments with a grain of salt, dies of dehydration Staff Reporter CLEVELAND—Local Clevelander Jared Grossman was “with her” for a while, but decided in early 2016 he wanted to see some change in the White House. “I’m tired of the same thing over and over again,” the 23-year-old said, “Bad change is better than no change at all.” However Grossman’s carefully planned political ideology was greeted with a bout of uncertainty as he began to notice the subtle implications of Trump’s statements such as “We’re going to build a wall” and “We need to stop Islam.” Mildly uncomfortable with such statements, Grossman began taking Trump’s comments with a grain of salt. In an antemortem interview, Grossman explained that only after he seasoned Donald Trump’s comments with a healthy amount of sodium chloride did he truly begin to understand what the man was saying. “It’s really given me a lot of clarity,” explained Grossman as he grabbed a salt shaker, “and I’m get-
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ting plenty of iodine in case of a nuclear attack.” Regardless of his precautionary measures against potential thyroid conditions, Grossman’s salt intake was 20 percent over the recommended Daily Value. After
“You have to be able to see through the muck and stay true to conservative values” obtaining a Twitter account in early October, the assault on Grossman’s kidneys exponentially increased. “The important thing is to not take him literally,” he justified, as he replaced his hanging poster of Copernican theory with a placard of the Ten Commandments.
Echoing other trumpeters, Grossman began saying things like, “He’s just draining the swamp of political correctness,” and, “He doesn’t want to confuse everybody by saying exactly what he means,” while the electrolytic composition of his blood gradually increased. Around October 2016, Grossman was forced to escalate to combat the tweets, comments, scandals and grabbing. According to sources close to Grossman, he would need to drink 12 bottles of water per day to combat the Morton he would consume by the box. However it was important to Grossman to stay true to Republican values. “You have to be able to see through the muck and stay true to conservative values,” Grossman explained as he liberally poured salt over his dinner. Grossman’s physician, Dr. Stephan Rupp, explained that he had seen this before. “Usually, these people come in severely dehydrated, crazed and in a mental frenzy repeating, ‘All politicians lie,’ over and over,” Rupp remarked, “and there isn’t much I can do for them at that point.” Rupp recalled
that Grossman had come into the clinic one day with a tablespoon in his mouth (likely after a comment about “carnage”) and exhibited symptoms of dry mouth, chapped lips and shriveled hands. Unfortunately the dehydration got him in the end. Grossman never got to see what a Trump presidency would be like, but sources say that he would probably be salty about it.
Things you can’t do at think[box] Charles Li
1. Find free parking 2. Bribe the staff to do your project for you 3. Call think[box] a Makerspace (It’s an “Innovation Center”) 4. Spell “think[box]” capitalized and without brackets 5. Think inside the box 6. Not feel self-conscious while walking through Veale 7. Return to campus without extreme vetting 8. Counterfeit Case Cash 9. Make your perfect boyfriend 10. Get brunch 13
Bring your work to kid day Tejas Joshi WASHINGTON—On March 22, over 148 million American parents celebrated Bring Your Work to Kid Day nationwide. On this one day of the year when the nation’s child labor laws are lifted, participants explored diverse careers including politicians, teachers, engineers and nurses, among many more. Local firefighter Carolyn Lin describes how she spent this special day without her son. “I dropped [Bailey] off at the station in the morning with some instructions about how to hold a hose and where to aim,” said Lin. “Honestly, I was a little worried that it would be a bit awkward to leave a kid with my colleagues but turns out that they were celebrating, too.” She went on to add that “some of the kid chefs even left the burners on downtown, so he got plenty of experience.” Still, the holiday is not without its detractors. A few critics of the day worry that it places undue stress on workers without kids. Lin, however, rebutted the claim by arguing that those workers could always participate in the Adopt-A-Child-For-A-Day policy to allow the youth in foster systems to experience an adult workload for a day. She went on to add that the educational value for students are unparalleled, stating, “No other country lets its students handle the full workload and responsibilities of, say, a surgeon or NFL player or marine for an entire day unsupervised. The U.S. is truly No. 1 in the world.” At press time, a large pile of intelligence reports had been dropped on the desk of the temporary 11-year-old director of the CIA.
Eggs Henrietta Oeuf
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“I dropped [Bailey] off at the station in the morning with some instructions about how to hold a hose and where to aim”
I like my eggs how like I like my women Inanimate Imported Without E. coli Turned over
Over easy Hot Three at a time Unfertilized
Executives Tejas Joshi David Pendergast Letty Dornfield Michael Codega JP O’Hagan Mahima Devarajan Paul Palumbo Kushagra Gupta Anastazia Vanisko Ashley Chan Erin Hartmann
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