3 April 2019

3 April 2019

Published every Wednesday by CXpress 2006 (Pty) Ltd - PO Box 1449, Plettenberg Bay 6600 - 6 Park Lane, Plettenberg Bay - Tel: 044 533 1004 - Fax: 044 533 0852 Email: editor@cxpress.co.za / advertising@cxpress.co.za Web page: www.cxpress.co.za Printed by Group Editors

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Saying good-bye to two real gentlemen p2

Knysna blogger living on the edge p3

Keen on a dog called Kevin? p11

What a sport?!

Economic Opportunities minister Beverly Schäfer last week leapt from a plane at 9,000 feet to launch Jump - a mobile app developed by her department and Western Cape Tourism to help small businesses in the province. Turn to page 5 to find out more.

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CXPRESS

NEWS & VIEWS

3 April 2019

OBITUARIES

Bompa’s loves stretched much farther than fruit juice in his cereal and Vienna sausages in his soup...

USBAND, father, grandfather, great grandfather, ophthalmologist, fly fisherman, golfer, tennis player, artist, gardener, elegant dresser and accomplished traveller Dr William Douglas died peacefully on Saturday March 30.

Says his son, Alastair: “Gavin took extreme pride in his family and loved spending time with them whenever and wherever he could. His tireless energy and sharp wit kept us all amused and on our toes. Nothing pleased him more than telling a good joke or providing a good ribbing. “He was an incredibly talented ophthalmologist and was a role model to many within the profession. Loved by his pa-

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tients and colleagues alike for his caring demeanour. “He was also a fly fisherman extraordinaire and passed down his love of the sport to his children and grandchildren.

Nothing pleased him more than sitting at his fishing cottage around the fire with friends and family, sharing amusing stories, burning some peat, sipping on an Islay single malt scotch whisky and puffing on a pipe after a good day’s fishing. “He had a life-long love affair with oat cakes, Vienna sausages in his soup, fruit juice in his cereal, and Bourneville dark chocolate.�

His family held a celebration of his life at Formosa Garden Village on April 2.

DR WILLIAM HUGH GAVIN ‘BOMPA’ DOUGLAS: 1933.09.29 - 2019.03.30

George Brown’s meaningful life celebrated at Country Club on Friday LETTENBERG Bay’s Brown family and friends are sad to announce the passing of George Brown of Hill House on Wednesday March 27.

Explains his brother, Peter Brown: “After two operations, George’s condition deteriorated and he passed away peacefully, at home, attended by his daughter Susan and son Steven and the meritorious Cansacare ladies. “George was extremely well known in Plett, being active on so many fronts - from the bird

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GEORGE ANGUS BROWN: 1934.06.27 - 2019.03.27

club, The Jaunters, Plett Angling Club, and Environmental Forum, to the Ratepayers Association and more.�

A remembrance of George Brown’s nearly 85 years of meaningful and contributory life will be held at Plettenberg Bay Country Club on Friday April 5, at 4pm. “Our thanks go out to all who have already remembered him and to the wonderful nursing staff who cared for him in his closing days.�

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NEWS & VIEWS

3 April 2019

CXPRESS

3

Knysna blogger’s arrest ordered by high-court judge - but where in the world is Mike Hampton?

A judge of the high court authorised the immediate arrest of wellknown Knysna blogger Mike Hampton on March 27 - CXPRESS reports USTICE Babalwa Mantame issued the order for Mike Hampton’s arrest after he failed to comply with a previous court order granted nearly four years ago - on July 7, 2015 - restraining him from publishing or disseminating any pictures of then deputy mayor of Knysna Esmé Edge.

He was further restrained from making any defamatory statement concerning Edge, or disseminating any personal information about her, and was instructed to dismantle his website and social media pages.

The court ordered a sentence of 60 days imprisonment, which was suspended for three years on condition that Hampton refrained from publishing defamatory statements or photographs of Edge during the period of suspension.

In the latest draft order, Justice Mantame stated that Hampton was in contempt of the court order issued in 2015.

He ruled that “the sheriff be authorised and ordered to immediately arrest the respondent and bring him before the same court as soon as possible to show good cause why he should not be sentenced to 60 days imprisonment”.

It was further stated that, should Hampton fail to comply with the order within 12 hours of it be-

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ON EDGE: Mike Hampton allegedly refuses to hand himself over

ing served, the sheriff had to “remove all defamatory material that constitutes contempt of the July 7, 2015 court case”.

This was “specifically to, but not limited to personal information of Edge and/or defamatory statements relating to the applicant, and/or her family published on the website themikehampton and any other social media sites or websites operated and/or owned by Hampton”.

The order further stated that, “should the sheriff require the assistance of an IT specialist, Hampton will be responsible for the cost implication”.

Apart from having to close down themikehampton website, Mantame also ordered that Hampton’s e-book, Same Shit Different Government, in which Edge is mentioned and defamed, not be ZIP IT OR SHIP OUT: During Western Cape premier Helen Zille’s visit to Knysna in 2016, Hampton was warned by security staff to allow Zille to respond to his questions, or leave the hall

published on any website or social media site on April 1, or any other date thereafter.

Hampton was instructed to pay all legal costs related to the application.

On hearing of his arrest order, Hampton took to social media stating that Mantame made a “generalised judgement, effectively not protecting just the political applicant (sic) but the DA as a whole”.

Edge responded by stating that her legal actions against Hampton were done in her personal capacity.

“It has nothing whatsoever to do with the DA or any political party, or any other individual. I am personally paying all legal fees with no financial contributions from anybody.

“I am doing this at great personal and financial cost, to protect my reputation from what is nothing but vicious and malicious slander and defamation.”

Edge’s spousal partner, advocate Julie Seton - who is also laying criminal charges against Hampton for contempt of her protection order, and is mentioned in his e-book, too - explained that although Hampton had been found to be in contempt of court, he still had the opportunity to address the court.

“He is, however, refusing to hand himself over and is hiding from both the sheriff and the police,” Seton said.

In closing she added: “Those who are paying for the book [Same Shit Different Government] in the knowledge that its publication has been prohibited, as it is being distributed in defiance of existing court orders, may well find themselves in hot water.

“The individuals who are being targeted and defamed in that book are taking advice in this regard.”

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CXPRESS

NEWS & VIEWS

3 April 2019

Rape, attempted rape and robbery suspects sought HE George Family violence, Child protection and Sexual offences unit seeks information on wanted suspects in two recent incidents.

First incident On March 20, the victim was hiking to GraaffReinet with her boyfriend near the OudtshoornGeorge crossing (N12 and N9) when a person approached the couple.

He wanted to steal the

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boyfriend’s phone and proceeded to chase the boyfriend with a knife.

Thereafter, the suspect tried to sexually assault the 45-year-old victim in the field, but the boyfriend returned and chased the suspect away.

The only description the victim could give is that the suspect is a black male, possibly around 30 years of age.

Anyone with informa-

tion is requested to contact W/O Borg on 044 803 4621.

Second incident On February 23 at about 7pm, the victim and her friend were on their way home from Phelandaba in Thembalethu to Zone 7. En route they met four men, one of whom called the victim’s friend over, but she refused to go.

When he called the victim and she also re-

fused him, the suspect strangled the 13-year-old victim and pulled her into the bushes at Thembalethu Zone 5, Ngcakani Street. The suspect kicked the victim’s legs out from under her, causing her to fall down.

The friend ran to the victim’s grandmother to inform her of what was happening. Meanwhile, the victim was allegedly raped in the bushes.

Afterwards, the suspect covered the victim’s face with a beanie and took her to a shack where it is alleged that he raped her a second time.

The victim told the suspect that she was thirsty, and managed to escape when the suspect left the shack to fetch water.

Anyone with information is requested to contact Sgt Ndaba on 044 803 4639.

Lokwe awaiting sentence as Cumming case draws to a close ORE than a year after the rape and murder of Plett-based Hospice nurse Penny Cumming, the man accused of these horrific crimes will hear his fate.

Judgment is expected to be delivered in the Knys-

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na Circuit High Court tomorrow following the trial involving Gcobani Lokwe who is accused of, among others, the rape and murder of Penny Cumming, after closing arguments by the state and defence were deliv-

ered over the past week.

Lokwe, who pleaded not guilty to the charges, is accused of raping and killing the 63-year-old Schoongezicht Country Estate resident in January last year. Her naked and bruised body was

found on the floor of her home by a friend.

During his time in the stand, Lokwe denied guilt and said he had had consensual sex with Cumming before she was killed and that when he left, she had still been alive.

Lokwe is facing several charges including rape, murder, malicious damage to property, assault, burglary with the intent to rob and murder and defeating the ends of justice.

- Yolandé Stander

Of load shedding, bad governance, and corporate greed Wandisile Sebezo

S I write here we are load shedding again, so Eskom tells us, but this time we are on Stage 4 or something (I get confused), which means the power goes off three times a day, for a minimum of two hours per set.

I tell you, each time the power goes out it irritates, but more than ever the past month’s load shedding shows us something we’ve always known, but somehow seemed to have ignored: the ANC’s inability to manage and maintain some of our most relied-

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upon infrastructure.

Not only do these power cuts negatively impact livelihoods - especially the poor who can’t afford safe alternative ways to generate power - but it’s bad for business.

A friend of mine who is in the accounting game recently remarked that “South Africa is dying”, stressing that due to load shedding, he lost about R50,000 of business every day, thus costing him a great deal of money.

Another friend in the hospitality industry complained about spending more on diesel for his generator than

the profit generated. He is basically running at a loss to a point where, sooner or later, he’ll be forced to lay off some of his staff.

Perhaps the good thing about these cuts is that they’re happening on the eve of the elections, leaving South Africans with an opportunity to decide on who should govern their country, and how.

As South Africans we must ask ourselves whether we should continue to put our trust in a party that clearly has no plan to save us from this fiasco. Equally, we need to examine whether

there exists a better alternative to the ANC. At the moment, I’m afraid, there’s no better devil than the ANC. I am not a fan of the plan to privatise Eskom.

I just think the powers that be need to employ the right people for the job, because a privatised Eskom will result in more expensive electricity tariffs, which will hit the poor even harder.

The private sector doesn’t have any national interests or mandate; their mission is to make a profit, plain and simple.

Imagine if more than half of the South Af-

rican population goes without electricity on the basis that they can’t afford it because the power utility is in private hands?

It’s a recipe for disaster.

Corruption in this Republic is fuelled by bad governance from those we’ve elected into public office, and the corporate greed always threatening to dry out our public purse.

However, I have faith in my fellow South Africans. By standing up and regaining control of our country, we will come out of this storm a better people. We just need to get our sh*t right.

NEWS & VIEWS

3 April 2019

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CXPRESS

Custodians of nature say fire awareness should be an all year-round priority APENATURE statistics show that more than 90% of fires in the Western Cape are human-induced accidental fires that occur largely through negligence.

The province’s economy is heavily dependent on water catchment areas and in order to protect these areas and the ecosystem services they provide, fire prevention and awareness remain a top priority for CapeNature.

Catchment manager Peter Viljoen elaborated as follows: “Our mountain catchments feed water into dams that provide not

only citizens of the area with water, but also water for agricultural irrigation.

“We like to call these water catchment areas the

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heart of the economy of the Western Cape.”

He urged all landowners or homeowners in areas susceptible to wildfires, to

PREVENTION BEATS COSTLY CURE: If properties are proactively protected from wildfires, and fires reported immediately, expensive machine and man-hours could be saved - Photos: Justin Sullivan Photography

practise proactive prevention and protection.

“It is important for Western Cape citizens to stay mindful and take safety precautions, as fires occur throughout the year,” he said, adding these basic fire safety tips: • Don’t perform highrisk activities like welding, grinding or braaiing in the open on hot days, as it only takes one spark to start a fire.

• Report fires of any size immediately.

• Be fire wise and proactively protect your property from the threat of wildfires.

a t s i n o i h s a F a L

Digital platform supports small businesses in W-Cape UMP - the mobile app developed by the Western Cape department of Economic Development and Tourism to help small businesses in the province - is now live.

And to launch the app, Economic Opportunities minister Beverley Schäfer jumped out of a plane at 9,000 feet last week, in a move that can only be described as ‘sporting’.

Knowing where to find business support, and seeing what business and networking events are happening in the Western Cape, was just made a whole lot easier for small business entrepreneurs.

With the user-friendly feel of a mobile phone app, but using less data, Jump is a new way for entrepreneurs, business associations, mentors

and municipalities to connect, collaborate and communicate.

Funded by the Western Cape Government, Jump features a “what’s near me” Google map showing the location and details of mentors, SMME support organisations, business events and local municipal business support offices.

Other features include a daily selection of 20 Western Cape tenders, a business health-check quiz, and a Biz-Assist section with direct links to often-used business support organisations.

Jump is now “live” at www.bizjump.co.za where SMMEs, business organisations and business mentors are able to register and have access to the content and map. Users can also filter their map

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view to see only specific types of content.

Said Schäfer: “We’ve kick-started Jump as a digital way to give SMMEs, and the people who support them, a broader view of what exists on the ground and online.

“Now small business owners, business organisations and anyone involved in supporting them can get onto Jump and be more visible. Mentors can use it to get new clients, business associations can use it to promote events and get new members, and SMMEs can use it to see what events are happening as well as find useful tools and tips.

“This is just the start of Jump. Our longer-term plan is to build up the content and features of Jump, with strategic partners,

to help entrepreneurs become more digitally enabled and to have better access to tools and support.

“Jump is free to use, and we welcome ideas and suggestions from everyone involved in the SMME space on how we can improve the platform.”

Small-business coach Elona Hlatshwayo said: “Networking and keeping up to date with what’s happening locally and in the broader world of business is really important for small businesses.

Jump provides a great way to do this.”

Email support@biz jump.co.za for further information or assistance to register, and see the Plett Direct advert on this page for a perfectly local platform to find any business in and around town.

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CXPRESS

NEWS & VIEWS

3 April 2019

Plett and Kouga performers unite to sizzle on Human Rights Day ATIONAL Lotteries Commission made it possible for the Tshisa Talent team to bring together 56 contestants in the Tshisa High School Talent Competition, while also featuring two acts from the 2018 Kouga Competition, for tip top entertainment in KwaNokuthula on Thursday March 21.

Three extraordinary local performers served as judges, voting in their best acts before certificates were awarded amid huge applause to the winners from various local high schools.

• Overall winner was Family Tree of Murray High, who also won the Best Choir category; • Plett Sekondêr won the Most Promising title while the Song award went to Anqobile Teyise, the Rap prize to Space Gang, and best Dance Group to Lathita from the Strydom Gang; • Percy Mdala winners were Bubelebakhe in the Dance and Lunga in the Poetry category.

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YOUR GUESTS WILL LOVE THIS! Lunga Mpongo, a traditional African praise poet, was discovered

by Tshisa Talent during the recent inter-schools competition, and all in attendance agreed that it was compelling and unusual to witness a young man practising a skill that was popular back when Madiba was young

The judges were Ludumo Tede, a gold medallist ballroom dancer and dance teacher; Lungani Simke also known as DJ Mzakes, is an inspiring, self-made music producer; Antonio Moos is an experienced hip hop dancer and teacher, discovered through Tshisa Talent.

By showcasing some winners from the Eastern Cape,

skills were shared across provinces for a wonderful bonding opportunity.

Guest acts Strings and Dogg Unit delivered brilliant performances.

Now these local youngsters will be able to share with Tshisa Talent exactly what assistance they would need to make their performing arts dreams come true.

Full house at fun quiz ensures fat boost for most deserving local campaign FTER last Thursday’s well-attended Fun Quiz Evening at Plett Bowling Club, CXPRESS received rave-review feedback from members of the beneficiary body: Rita Hardaker’s Differently-abled Awareness Campaign.

Said Rita: “This quiz evening was a milestone for our NPO - our first event in which sports to include the differently-abled has been promoted. At the end of the evening, we gratefully received 100% of the proceeds, as it was decided we would be the sole beneficiary.

“This wonderful donation of R7,000 will most assuredly be utilised for the facilitating and coaching of wannabe bowlers, who may think initially they can’t succeed.

“And ultimately the funds will support the clubs where they become members to make the facilities and the equipment accessible,” said Rita, adding that plans are afoot to host further fun quizzes at Sky Villa to continue this important line of fundraising.

According to Plett bowler Julie Deferville, who will

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CRAFTY QUIZZERS: The winning Stealth Bombers team with quiz master Barry Rickets at right

represent Eden at the Disability National Champs in Joburg later this year, the club’s Barry Rickets organised a brilliant quiz, somewhat different to his norm, based on fun facts rather than superior knowledge.

“And from the laughter heard all evening, great fun was had by all,” said Julie.

“It was the best turnout - a full house of 18 teams and the whole evening a gratifying success. Rita and husband Mike Hardaker even became honorary members of the Lifesaving team when some members were unable to get there!”

Final results on the night saw the Stealth Bombers (Mike and Sonja Kantey, Paul and Su West, Jackie

Straight from the horse’s mouth “NO Foxtrot, the glitzy, glam sequined hat is for the groom - you are a horse, remember? Also, you are NOT taking a taxi or a helicopter to SKY in July!”

Dent and Michael Lond) in first place. This team very generously returned their winnings to the cause.

Runners up was Team Bridgemates and in third place the British Bulldogs, with the Joburg Jollers voted Friendliest Team.

All sponsors are thanked for making the event a huge success: Personal Trust (first three prizes), Old Nick Village (spot prizes), Robberg Fine Foods (fishcakes), and spot prizes donated by Bodyknots, Plett Ski-boat Club, Nineteen89, and Helen Melon Properties.

A final thank you goes to What’s New in Plett for providing free ads for the Differently-abled Awareness Campaign.

BUSINESS

3 April 2019

Another day, another fuel hike...

‘Efforts to rid ourselves of the stoney-broke road accident fund may come to fruition soon, but will it steady motorists’ fuel costs?’ wonders STUART MURRAY OLDMAN Sachs, along with other global investment giants, expects international crude oil prices to balance at a lightly lower level this year, citing higher inventory levels, weaker demand, and big projects in Brazil and Canada coming on stream.

Also, a surge in OPEC production late last year created over-supply.

The prediction heralds a levelling off of international fuel prices which, all things being equal, should curtail the ongoing rising price of petrol and diesel.

The bad news is that it is unlikely to be of much help to the South African transport sector, both industrial and private.

The reason? The rand/ dollar rate continues to nose-dive as our currency weakens, undermined by our economic woes. Eskom’s load shedding is playing a frontline negative role.

However, where motorists and haulage companies may (I repeat: may) get a break is the likelihood of our Road Accident Fund (RAF) getting the heave-ho - at long last.

In spite of receiving funding equal to 13.5% of the cost of fuel, equating around R44-billion a year, the unbelievably broke RAF has outstanding claims (settled in previous years but as yet unpaid) of

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more than R177-billion.

Its annual reports states blandly that the fund “has been insolvent since 1981”.

RAF chairman Peter Mathebula has stated publicly that the current compensation system is unsustainable. Last year’s annual report noted that, on average, the fund was R9-billion in arrears per month with finalised claims alone.

The inability to pay claims has led to lawyers securing attachment orders against the fund’s bank accounts.

This situation has given rise to a renewed effort by a number of government departments to rekindle the proposed Road Accident Benefit Scheme (RABS) bill, which parliament tossed out last year.

The scheme is an attempt to do away with long and costly legal processes by paying compensation to accident victims.

Basically, RABS has a basis in which no party is at fault and so removes the need to determine (in court) who is responsible for an accident leading to injury. An administrator will determine compensation for medical costs and, possibly, for loss of income.

Not surprisingly, the legal profession is protesting vociferously that the new scheme just won’t work,

Investor Focus

claiming that the bill takes away a victim’s right to sue the guilty party.

On the other hand, charges abound that the current RAF has become a sort of “cash cow” for unscrupulous lawyers, aggressively taking advantage of poorly defended claims and presenting costly fees to call in expert witnesses.

Lawyers, meanwhile, point out that the current RAF system provides for claims on a contingency basis, under which people who cannot afford legal fees can negotiate a “no win, no fee” agreement with a lawyer.

Under the new proposed legislation, this will no longer be the case.

RAF authorities complain that some legal firms present inflated bills that need to be carefully checked. In last year’s annual report, the fund saved more than R3-billion by scrutinising these bills.

A more general criticism of the RAF is that its funding system is unfair in that benefits are income based, leading to claims that the poor subsidise the well off.

On the loss-of-income issue, the new RABS, if adopted, would pay a limited monthly income grant. But this will end after 15 years or at the age of 60.

Meanwhile, we’ll have to

wait and see whether the RAF will make way for change. Even if the RABS does make the statute books, it is unlikely that there will be much relief at the pumps.

About half of the cost of fuel is a function of the international oil price and the rand. The balance is made up from industry margins and levies. The RAF is almost R2/litre and the fuel levy adds around R3.37/litre (bringing in R70-billion to the fiscus).

So basically, without all the levies we could be paying between R8 and R9 a litre.

As it is, motorists are feeling the pinch throughout South Africa and the cost of road travel and transport has become a major burden - so much so that a huge number of motorists can no longer afford to insure their vehicles.

An Automobile Association survey some time ago showed that 65-70% of registered cars are not insured, while the number of owners cancelling their insurance policies keeps rising.

• Stuart Murray (stuart murray758@gmail.com) is a former senior assistant editor of Financial Mail and co-founder, editor, and CEO of Finance Week.

He is retired and lives in Plettenberg Bay.

Malcolm Stewart – Investment manager at Michaelides Parker Wealth Knysna & Plett

Passive investing - ETFs and ETNs EN percent of the turnover of the JSE is derived from investors trading/investing in these instruments.

An ETF [exchangetraded fund] is an investment instrument that is computer driven and tracks the movement of a specific index, i.e. there are several Tracker ETFs that track the JSE top 40 index; others may track the property index or the Financial index.

Then there are what I

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call ‘theme’ ETFs - these track companies with a particular quality, i.e. the ‘Satrix divi’ tracker.

This instrument allows you to buy into a ‘fund’ that holds the 30 top dividend payers over the previous 12 months. Other ETFs may hold gold or platinum, or a large variety of different themes.

ETNs [exchange-traded notes] are instruments normally issued by financial institutions. They may reflect the performance

Holding ABSA MM ABSA GOVI

% 20% 20%

Yield 6.9% 6.4%

Satrix 40 Satrix Divi

30% 10%

3.1% 4.6%

Stanlib Prop Core div arist

10% 10%

8.7%

This theoretical ‘passive’ portfolio is an example of what can be accomplished using ETFs and ETNs. There are over 80 ETFs and ETNs

of offshore indices, i.e. you can buy an ETN that tracks the S&P 500, or the FTSE100 index.

Besides the normal volatility risk, these specific notes also rely on the solvency of the issuer, i.e. if issued by Standard Bank then one relies on the solvency of the bank that supports the ETN. ETNs attract very low costs, and in over 80% of the time they outperform conventional unit trusts that use the same bench-

mark. They are accessed through institutions with access to the JSE, and are traded in the same way as ordinary shares.

It is possible to construct a portfolio using only ETFs. These portfolios may be used for ordinary bespoke portfolios or even in Retirement and Living Annuities.

An example of a diversified portfolio that would be used as a retirement investment could be as follows:

Description tracks the South African 3-month money market index. tracks the GOVI (SA Government bond index. Holds: 6.6% in 3-7 year bonds, 28.6% in 7-12 year bonds and 47.3% in bonds maturing after 12 years.) tracks the JSE top 40 index. tracks the top 30 companies paying the highest dividends over the last 12 months. tracks the JSE property index. tracks the “dividend aristocrats”. A global index of companies with a 7-year history of sustainable dividends.

listed on the JSE. They allow access to most foreign markets including China and Europe.

These portfolios can be designed to meet your

personal needs or your retirement annuity.

• Malcolm has been in the investment industry for nearly 50 years. He has written this column

in CXPRESS for the past 20 years and is a specialist in managing retired wealth. See the MPK Wealth advert on this page for contact details.

CXPRESS

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CXPRESS

INTERVAL

3 April 2019

Remember this trilogy in six parts?

CCORDING to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is the number 42. Why did author Douglas Adams choose that number?

There is some logic behind it.

In the world of coding and computer programming, the number 42 is used to represent the asterisk (*).

What does the asterisk represent?

It represents an undetermined quantity that can be whatever you want.

Hence, the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is ‘whatever you want it to be’.

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DON’T PANIC: British author Douglas Adams sadly departed this planet in 2001, but his hilarious 70s comedy science fiction Hitchhiker series will live for internity to be enjoyed by readers with a keen sense of homour

The sad existence of Marvin - the paranoid android ARVIN, without a doubt the most famous character from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series by Douglas Adams, was originally built as a failed prototype of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation’s Genuine People Personalities technology.

In a nutshell, Marvin is afflicted with severe depression and boredom, in part because he has a brain the size of a planet which he is seldom, if ever, given the chance to use.

The true horror of Marvin’s existence is that no task could ever occupy even the tiniest fraction of his vast intellect.

If you don’t know who Marvin is, keep reading for a list of his most famous quotes. You’ll understand soon why Marvin is the most famous robot in the galaxy: • Marvin: “I am at a rough estimate thirty billion times more intelligent than you. Let me give you an example. Think of a number, any number.”

Zem: “Err, five.”

Marvin: “Wrong. You see?”

• “Trillian is one of the least benightedly unin-

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telligent life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.”

• Arthur: “Marvin, any ideas?”

Marvin: “I have a million ideas. They all point to certain death.”

• “My capacity for happiness you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first.”

• “The first ten million years were the worst.

And the second ten million: they were the worst, too. The third ten million I didn’t enjoy at all. After that, I went into a bit of a decline.”

• Zaphod: “Can it Trillian, I’m trying to die with dignity.”

Marvin: “I’m just trying to die.”

• Trillian: “Marvin… you saved our lives!”

Marvin: “Yes, I know.

Wretched, isn’t it?”

• “You watch this door.

It’s about to open again. I can tell by the intolerable air of smugness it suddenly generates.”

• “Do you want me to sit in a corner and rust, or just fall apart where I’m standing?”

• “Hardly worth anyone’s while to help a menial robot, is it? I mean, where’s the percentage in being kind or helpful to a robot if it doesn’t have any gratitude circuits?”

• “The best conversation I had was over forty million

years ago. And that was with a coffee machine.”

• “Why should I want to make anything up? Life’s bad enough as it is without wanting to invent any more of it.”

• “Wearily I sit here, pain and misery my only companions. Why stop now just when I’m hating it?”

• “It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level.”

• “Reverse primary thrust, Marvin.” That’s what they say to me.

“Open airlock number three, Marvin.” “Marvin, can you pick up that piece of paper?” Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to pick up a piece of paper.”

• Trillian: “What are you supposed to do with a manically depressed robot?”

Marvin: “You think you’ve got problems.

What are you supposed to do if you are a manically depressed robot?”

• Arthur Dent: “You mean you can see into my mind?”

Marvin: “Yes.” Arthur Dent: “Well?”

Marvin: “It amazes me how you manage to live in anything that small.”

SOCIAL SCENE

3 April 2019

HOT TALENT IN OUR ‘HOOD: This happy group photo shows contenders and judges and Tshisa Talent crew in Kwano during last month’s competition for high schoolers. Read the full story on page 6. - Photo: Anja Wiehl Photography

People, places & events

POINTS AND MEDALS AND TOP PERFORMERS GALORE! The Nippers, Juniors, and families attached to Plett Surf Lifesaving Club returned triumphant from Port Elizabeth last weekend after attaining an incredible topfive position in the national champs hosted by Lifesaving SA on King’s Beach, where 28 different clubs contended for podium positions on the sand and in the surf. Bowing only to the mega clubs like Durban Surf and Umhlanga Rocks from KZN, Fish Hoek and Llandudno from the Mother City (the latter ending in a tie with PE locals Summerstrand), Plett’s incredible team effort combined with standout individual performances to attain this excellent final result. Special mention is due to top girl and boy of the Nippers Nationals in the U9 category, Hannah de Necker and Ryan Nagel, at top right, and winning U14 boy Matthew

van Coller, flanked above by Mielen Viljoen and Sebastian Brink, right, thus ending his Nippers career on a very high note.

Juniors (U15-19) attached to the Plett club contested their nationals from March 28-30, with medals brought home by Ellen Kleinsmidt, Robbie Styger, and Henri van Huyssteen. The latter is pictured with his buddy Berenice Chabanel, now attached to the Woodridge Club, at right. Pictured with these two 2018 Plett’s Nippers co-captains at back is their coach of many years, Gerhard van Huyssteen, who happens to celebrate his birthday today. Congrats!

CELEBRATING 90 YEARS YOUNG: Born in East London in 1929, Beryl Holliday celebrated her 90th birthday in style in Plettenberg Bay last month. Joining in the festivities were her two sons, their wives, children, cousins and other family members. Her eldest, Eric, and his wife Lorna, came from Brisbane in Australia. Beryl’s youngest son, Robert, and his wife Michelle, and their son and daughter were present. Bradley arrived on his grandmother’s March 22 birthday from Doha, Qatar, and although he missed the morning tea function, he attended the evening’s dinner at Emily Moon. Also present, Wendy and her husband Richard drove up from Cape Town for the weekend. “I will definitely not miss this momentous occasion!” said Wendy. “It was a fantastic event which I am sure my grandmother will remember for many years to come,” she said. Other members of the family who joined in celebrating Beryl’s birthday were her nephew Derrick Winter and his family. Fourteen family members made up the party for the main function at Emily Moon and celebrated with Beryl in style. Granny showed no signs of slowing down as the night went on and thoroughly enjoyed all the fuss and attention, let alone the excellent food presented on the night. Beryl and her late husband, Victor, retired to Plett in 1988. As keen bowlers, they joined Plettenberg Bay Bowling Club where they not only enjoyed many a fine day on the greens, but also served on various committees at the club. Although Beryl still plays bowls, she is especially active in the kitchen on club competition days. After an afternoon of bowls - in which Beryl managed to play in a team with both her sons - members of Plett Bowling Club expressed their appreciation for her contribution over the years and wished her good health and many more birthdays to come.

Beryl is pictured above with her two sons, Robert and Eric.

CXPRESS

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CXPRESS

Paws

Plett Animal Welfare Service

3 April 2019

CLASSIFIEDS

ON THE SOAPBOX

3 April 2019

Letters to the Editor

CXPRESS

JACK THE WAG: This is me, this is my patch, and the recent arrival called Kevin needs a new home As Soon As Possible

Email: editor@cxpress.co.za - Fax: 044 533 0852 - PO Box 1449, Plett 6600

Anyone keen on a dog called Kevin?

I suppose it had to come sometime: a younger dog around the place and us not seeing eye to eye, let alone nose to tail. I’m not happy about it but nor am I prejudiced, as some of my best pals come in all colours and shades, sizes, breeds, and languages.

Multi-cultural, us canines find us all over the world, and in many a place I wouldn’t want to go. Alaska, for instance, pulling sledges in the snow, or Southeast Asia, where they dish us jointly with veggies and sweet curry sauce, I’m told.

But now the madam’s introduced a black and tan yappy long-legged… don’t say I said it, but a pavement special in my view, no breeding.

Worse, this mutt’s name is Kevin. ‘Kevin!’ I ask you. What sort of name is that for a dog - what happened to Rover or Brute or Genghis?

Kevin is something you’d call a tortoise or a hamster, something cute.

I don’t want to offend

the two-legged breeds called Kevin, but for a dog it’s just a tad twee.

Straight away we failed to hit it off. This youngster comes bounding up to me with not so much as a ‘may I’ or ‘by your leave’, ‘howzit’ or ‘how do you do’, dashes past as if I’m not there, chases everywhere around the garden (my sole patch until then), while barking its mouth off about my age and how its taking over, old man.

It drinks my water sloppily, I might add snaffles what’s left of my scoff, then dives into my basket and stares at me, challenging me to do something, okay?

I thought: Am I missing something here? Am I being eased out after all these years of loyal 24/7 service?

I mean I’m not sick, there’s never been any hefty vet bills, and not one bad guy’s ever got past me, or ever will. I may be small but I’m a power pack and whenever there’s a run on the beach no one gets past me. Just ask the madam’s

Stop dropping your rubbish here, or else…

Plettenberg Bay reader Craig Watkins sent this picture accompanied by a rather scary cautionary note to the person who continually deposits rubbish in the vicinity of Plett’s gym and water fun-park off Piesang Valley Road. “Keep dumping your rubbish bags and I will make you famous. You’re probably the type that complains about load shedding and the state of the country, but can’t be bothered to deposit your filth at the designated place. I will name and shame you by posting a photo of your white bakkie if this happens again. Ever.”

Trash on Blue Flag beach a travesty

After several requests to clear refuse, Bitou Municipality continues to blatantly disregard or simply ignore my emails. Over seven weeks later, neglected garbage remains on the dune at Lookout Beach. I thought you may be interested in sharing how Bitou badly treats its Blue Flag beaches. - Chris Behr, Plett

old man that. Not that the poor old bugger’s up to much these days, can’t even sprint across the road.

Anyway, the point is I’m a leader not a follower and just as importantly, a pedigree. I know how to behave in company, so no long-legged prancer will be allowed to dominate.

I may be closer to the ground but from that position and brilliant timing, I’ll leap and bite its bollocks off.

It led to a fight of course, and that led to the neighbours complaining, along with a tooth and claw story, bites, cuts, stitches and so on, and

then off to the vet, and expense for the madam.

I’m sorry for that, but she ought to have consulted me first. Transparency in the New SA (aka ‘through a glass darkly’), remember?

So we’re separated, in different parts of the garden, and it’s here I’m looking for help from you.

How to get rid of Kevin?

All you have to do is phone the madam on 082 210 9511 and tell her you’d love to take away that absolutely excruciatingly lovely long-legged mutt, I mean dog, called Kevin.

Please, I beg you. Yours with paws…

‘Jack the Wag’, Plett

Revisiting reasons for taking the marketing moolah of ‘false prophets’ I’m intrigued to know why reputable news companies promote false advertising.

More and more adverts from snake-oil salesmen or false prophets are appearing in local papers, guaranteeing the ability to fix or remedy failed marriages, illnesses, shortness, financial problems, and even to provide winning numbers for the Lotto!

Surely these companies know that these promises cannot be fulfilled and yet they are happy to take money for the adverts.

Poor people get conned into believing that any ailment can be fixed for the right amount of money.

My question is, do the printing companies provide surety for the losses people may incur? If I pay R800 for someone to fix my failed marriage and nothing happens, will the printers refund my loss?

Richard of Knysna (Aah, Richard, we have debated this matter on these

pages before, and readers seem divided between those who believe in a free market where supply and demand warrants the marketing of a product, while others agree that these ‘traditional’ healers and purveyors of all things unconventional should not contribute to the perilous business that is print media today.

Should CXPRESS refund bungy jumpers if they didn’t like the Bloukrans Bridge experience? Must we consider starting a backup fund in case a house sold by Sotheby’s has failed to please the buyer, and a “printers refund” is required?

As a free weekly newspaper, the only income CXPRESS generates is through advertising. This springs for every single cost associated with producing a quality read every week to fans of the 10,000 copies dropped twixt Tsitsikamma and George each Wednesday.

You’re welcome! - Eds.)

Vote to keep Wittedrift clean We thank CXPRESS friend Katherine Thirlwell for sharing the pic below of this meaningful (in light of the forthcoming elections) multimedia campaign poster on the Wittedrift Road, which is attached to the sign for the Hofmeyr farm called ‘Gonnarug’. For the benefit of our readers who don’t understand Afrikaans, it reads: “Should I throw rubbish out the car window? Should I not rather bin it all at home? Vote for: the Keep-Clean Party. Please keep our road clean.”

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La Luna

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CXPRESS

SPORT & ADVENTURE

3 April 2019

Are you ready for a BUCO adventure this Easter weekend?

HERE can be no better place to host a day of trail runs and mountain bike races than Cairnbrogie Farm and the surrounding MTO Plantations. Although badly burnt in the June 2017 fires, the area has recovered and after hard work done by landowners, a new beauty is shining through.

Running at the same time as the sports events listed below on Easter Saturday at the Cairnbrogie Barn will

T

be a market with food stalls, refreshments, and a pile of stuff to keep the kids busy.

There will be a treasure hunt and raffles to raise money for Sounds the Call (Plett’s volunteer fire-fighters). If weather conditions permit, these men and women will show off their skills with a live fire demonstration.

Easter Saturday April 20 Cairnbrogie Farm, Plett Airport Road Trail runs for the whole fam-

ily include routes of 1.5km, 5km, 12km, and 16km, all taking place throughout the morning and kicking off from 8:30am. And don’t forget the addition of food and drink stalls to complement the jumping castles, arts and crafts, and boerekos.

Not a runner? Then join in the afternoon’s mountain biking events… with a twist! At 12:30 the kids will have a fun lap race, riding a short course for an hour.

The winner is the one who

IT’S FUN TO RUN…especially at beautiful Cairnbrogie Farm, where both runners and mountainbikers will get to play on Easter Saturday April 20

completes the most laps.

The BUCO Adventure MTB Rally Ride will see teams of two using a rallystyle route book to navigate around Cairnbrogie and the surrounding MTO Plantations. The route covers just over 25kms and will feature another brand-new section of single track.

Easter Sunday April 21 Central Beach, Plett The 12th BUCO Easter Surfski Challenge promises excellent spectator action.

In a field which has for the

last decade featured at least one world paddling champion each year, the racing is hot up front and enjoyable for the rest.

The morning race at 8:30am will also act as a seeding race for the BUCO Adventure Dash for Cash happening at 1:30pm - a truly unique event, where paddlers compete in a 1,000-meter sprint around the Blind Rocks off Central Beach and back.

A series of heats will see the cream of the crop rise

up to a four-person final.

The Junction Hotel is offering an accommodation package worth R9,000 to all Dash for Cash entrants as a lucky draw. Combine this with the unique heats system where everyone gets more than one chance to progress, it’s a no brainer: you’ve just got to enter this exciting race!

Check out www.muddy footadventures.co.za or call James Stewart on 082 925 7885 for additional information and entry details.

Eden team bolstered by Plett grommets EEING that the Cape Town Surfriders Grommets retained its Mandela Bay Trophy for the eighth year in a row, the runnerup spot was as much as any other surfing outfit could hope to attain.

And this year that coveted position was earned by Eden Surfriders - a young contingent of talented surfers who contested the 27th edition of the Sea Harvest South African Grommet Games in Port Elizabeth on March 23 and 24.

The strong Cape Town Surfriders team posted 32,324 points to beat their Garden Route neighbours into second place.

Eden scored 23,461 points and this result is their best since the event was first held nearly three decades ago. Cape Winelands scored 22,618 points to end third overall.

Close to 100 girls and boys ranging from U8 to U16 represented seven districts at this annual event which is Surfing South Africa’s premier entry level inter-provincial tournament. Eden District was represented by 16 surfers, nine of whom are proud products of Learn to Surf - Clayton Bischoff’s highly successful training school in Plett.

The SA Grommet Games is a national tournament

S

Storms River

TIN HOUSE Self-catering accommodation

with a primary focus on transformation and development within the sport.

Strict targets are set when selecting teams to participate in the event.

While the main aim is surfing, participation in events such as a Paddle

Battle and a Tag Team contest are an integral part of Grommet Games activities.

Full results and a gallery of photos are posted on the Surfing SA Facebook page, and see www.surfingsouth africa.co.za for additional information.

SMELLS LIKE TEAM SPIRIT: Eden Surfriders - here displaying their banner and commitment to keeping the oceans clean and plastic free with siblings and friends - won the coveted Team Spirit Award on top of scoring overall second place

SECOND TO ONE: Becky McNicol, right, was one of the Eden grommets who helped surf her team to the podium when attaining a spot in the finals; with her is buddy Leila from KZN