2010 DA April Fools

THE DAILY ATHENAUM “WVU moved Spring Break during our regular April 1 edition, so we’re printing one now. Before Spring Break. Deal with it.”

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APRIL FOOL’S EDITION

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VOLUME 123, ISSUE 129

WVU CANCELS STUDENTS’ SPRING BREAK

BY MATT ARMSTRONG A&E EDITOR

In a surprise move, West Virginia University decided to cancel its Spring Break, Thursday, scheduled from March 29 to April 2.

The decision was made during an emergency Faculty Senate meeting, which WVU President James P. Clements and West Virginia Gov. Joe Manchin both attended.

“Due to the fact WVU had to close for a brief time because of the weather, it is paramount we buckle down and work extra hard,

all the way through what was to be our Spring Break,” Clements said.

“If we don’t do this, we will be the laughingstock of American colleges and universities.”

WVU has been mocked by universities from across the country for deciding to temporarily suspend classes due to concerns over students’ safety while traveling to and from class, Clements said.

“When I received a call from John Simpson, president of the University at Buffalo, calling WVU ‘a bunch of pansies’ for canceling class after receiving less than four

feet of snow, it hurt me, inside,” Clements said.

The bad weather Clements mentioned was the reason WVU had to take a snow day, something the University has not done since its founding.

“When I was growing up, right here in West Virginia, my parents always told me how nothing short of the Rapture would stop WVU from having class,” Manchin said. “So when I declared a state of emergency, thereby canceling classes, I felt like I let the state and its pride down.”

WVU to raise ticket prices to $120

BY DEVON UNGER STAFF WRITER

West Virginia University and the city of Morgantown have come together in an effort to derive more revenue from parking citations.

Simple parking citations will see a 600 percent increase in coming months as both entities try to balance their budgets. $5 fines for expired permits will now be $30, and a $20 ticket for no permit in South Park will now cost $120.

“We needed to find more ways to gouge money from students,” said Hugh Kierig, assistant director of Transportation and Parking at WVU. Kierig said some of the funding would go to the WE car program and for the University to have a new Prius for every student by next year.

President Clements also rec-

STAFF WRITER

C.B. Wilson, associate provost for academic personnel and the head of the West Virginia smoking task force specified Wednesday that the proposed smoking ban is intended for cigarette smoke only.

The task force, created in December of 2009, is examining the current smoking policy for West Virginia University, to update it.

“I just want to make it clear that we are trying to combat the serious problem of cigarette smoke and the second hand effects that it causes. We are not intending to be a bunch of NARCs here,” Wilson said while winking at the crowd.

The crowd let out a sigh of re-

STAFF WRITER

Important decisions regarding classes, students and faculty will now be decided by the flip of a coin.

West Virginia University Faculty Senate voted Thursday to approve a new policy that all University decisions regarding faculty will now be decided by a coin flip.

The Senate adopted an official coin with the words “WVU Faculty Senate” on one side and an image of the Mountainlair on the other,

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INSIDE News: 1, 2, 3 Opinion: 4 A&E: 5, 7 A&E: 8, 9, 10 Campus Calendar: 6 Puzzles: 6 Classifieds: NONE!

ing, it’s nice that all these filthy, unwashed undergrads will know what it’s like,” Jass said. “I only wish they would start having Saturday classes, then they’d know my pain.”

Jass was joined in his delight by students from WVU School of Medicine.

It is unclear what lasting impact the move to cancel Spring Break will have on the WVU academic reputation, but Clements said the University must be better prepared

see CANCELED on PAGE 3

WVU UPGRADES PRT WITH PRIUSES

see TICKETS on PAGE 3

lief after Wilson’s remarks and many gathered around outside the Mountainlair afterword to play Hacky Sack and celebrate.

“I agree 100 percent with their decision, now. Smoking is just plain gross,” said Jeremiah Douglas, freshman wildlife and fisheries research major.

“But how else are they going to expect us to eat that stuff that they serve in dining halls without a little pregame puff.”

University President James P. Clements also added his support for the decision.

“I have not survived in this business this long without learning a little bit about what students expect as far as their freedom goes,” he said. “To-

see LITTER on PAGE 3

DAVID RYAN/THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

University to adapt ‘abundant’ Prius models for new PRT fleet RICK SHAW STAFF WRITER

West Virginia University will be replacing its entire fleet of PRT cars this summer with recalled Toyota Priuses.

The move comes after years of continued service interruption, frequent breakdowns and scarcity of available parts.

“We knew we needed to replace the vehicles,” said Hugh Kierig, director of Transportation and Parking at WVU. “The Toyota recall was an excellent opportunity to pounce on.”

The Toyota Prius, the flagship environmental hybrid car, has

denoting “heads” and “tails” respectively.

“This new policy will allow the Senate to make decisions much more quickly and efficiently,” said Faculty Senate Chair Nigel Clark.

“Prior to this policy, we would spend weeks, even months, discussing items that were of great importance to the University, examining every minute detail. Now, we simply flip a coin and we’re done.”

The policy came about after

see COIN FLIP on PAGE 2

been involved in a recall after reports of accelerated driving beyond a driver’s control.

Kierig said the recall was the best option for WVU as nobody is buying the car anymore, so prices are low and inventory is high.

“Our current PRTs are based on ’60s truck chassis, so this will be a major upgrade,” he said.

“And we can brag we have hybrid cars and about how green we are.”

University administrators downplayed safety concerns with the Prius purchase, saying the breaking problem won’t hamper the PRT system students

are used to.

“People will appreciate more speed to get them to class on time,” said University President James P. Clements, who negotiated the deal. “Plus, the system frequently shuts down anyway, so we don’t have to worry about them flying off the tracks.”

The University considered several factors for adopting the Prius for its new fleet of cars.

Kierig cited a “very serious” consideration into converting the PRT into a “lazy river,” a themepark staple and grassroots movement on Facebook.

“We couldn’t find a way to hide the electric panels,” he said. “We

were fine with the idea until we realized how shocking it was.”

Previous ideas for the aging campus transport system included expanding it to New Jersey and its Potomac State campus.

More recently, the University considered discarding vehicles altogether and establishing an 11 mile-long pedestrian bridge.

“That would have been perfect,” Kierig added. “No vehicle maintenance, no downtime – but the students rebelled and said they couldn’t part with the excuse to be late for class.” this.is@prilfools.com

Police chief found in 10ft deep city pothole

BY RUSSELL SPROUT

Coin flip to determine University decisions

BY ROYAL PAYNE

had to sell my plane ticket for $40, and I’m completely screwed with the hotel,” said junior multidisciplinary studies major Mike Hawk.

“This is complete horses---.”

Hawk also said he had invested more money and time into getting a fake tan than most of the cast from “Jersey Shore” and didn’t want his efforts to go to waste.

One student who came out in favor of Spring Break’s cancellation was Hugh Jass, a doctoral student in WVU College of Law. “I already devote most of my free time to homework and study-

ognized the importance of raising ticket prices.

Kierig said WVU issued 5 million parking tickets last year, many for no reason, but the expected revenue was not there.

“We were looking at parking revenue, and we were only turning a 90 percent profit; we need to drive that up,” Kierig said.

“We have to be able to keep the lights on University buildings all night; it’s expensive.”

Clements said. “Extra parking ticket revenue will definitely keep those tubes burning, we might even be able to turn on more lights.”

The 600 percent increase in fines will affect all University and city lots. The city will use their extra revenue to help cash in on the cities booming tow-

Smoking ban is ‘for cigarette smoke only’

BY BLAZE DICKSON

The decision was embraced by Faculty Senate.

“I had a feeling this would happen, and I’ve already prepared an exam for Wednesday, covering chapters we missed because of the snow,” said Faculty Senator Jan Boyles. “I think I’ll also assign a research paper, just to make sure this week doesn’t go to waste.”

Student reaction has been mixed, although many students have come out against the move to cancel Spring Break.

“I booked my ticket to Cabo and a hotel room last December, and I

STAFF WRITER

A missing police chief had West Virginia University on high alert Thursday as Director and Chief of WVU’s Police Department Bob Roberts did not show up for work.

Roberts was later found stuck in a pothole 10 feet deep in front of the Downtown Library Complex.

“I was crossing the street, and next thing I know I’m down under the street watching cars drive over me,” Roberts said.

He said he thought the hole had been patched and was caught off guard when he stepped into the chasm. Roberts only sustained minor injuries.

“I got pretty scratched up, but for falling 10 feet, I feel pretty lucky.”

Morgantown mayor Bill Byrne said he didn’t realize potholes were a problem. He

said they added character to the roads of Morgantown and added extra challenges to the morning commute.

“I think people should learn to enjoy the potholes,” Byrne said. “A lot of people have vehicles capable of going off-roading, and other drivers should just take this as an opportunity to improve their maneuvering skills.”

Roberts seconded the mayor’s opinion, adding that if potholes were more accurately mapped accidents such as his could be avoided.

“If I had just known it was there I would have avoided it or brought my climbing gear,” Roberts continued.

He believes that if a reliable pothole map is created and drivers are educated about general pothole safety the city can ensure that students and residents get the greatest enjoyment from the potholes.

Roberts said that larger pot-

DRAKE CANCELED

THE LIBERAL BIAS MACHINE IS ONLINE

WVU hires character who shot Drake in Degrassi to perform.

A&E PAGE 5

Articles against everything I stood for as a president of these United States are available on The Daily Athenaeum’s Web site, www.thedaonline.com. Liberal rants and ravings available 24/7.

CONTACT US Newsroom 304-293-5092 or DAnewsroom@mail.wvu.edu Advertising 304-293-4141 or DA-Ads@mail.wvu.edu Fax 304-293-6857

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Pictured: Smaller potholes, like these on Prospect Street, will soon blossom into a 10ft giant capable of swallowing entire human beings and or mid-size sedans. holes are not just good for driving on or around but also traversing or subterranean urban exploration.

“If we learn to view these potholes as recreational instead of hazardous I think we can all benefit from our new found recreational opportunities,” Roberts said.

Byrne thinks this could also

HERE’S THE DEAL. West Virginia University scheduled Spring Break during the April Fool’s day (April 1). So we decided to release this, anyway. Hopefully you got some giggles out of it or else we wasted our time.

be a boom to Morgantown’s economy.

“If we market this we could become the pothole destination of the east, we already have world class white water rafting within an hours drive, and now urban spelunking, this could be very good for Morgantown.” danewsroom@mail.wvu.edu

HEY THERE, DIRTY GIRL What’s that? You’ve graced the last three April Fool’s front pages? Well, aren’t you just a tradition now, dirty girl. You’re so awesome with your care-free attitude.

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2 | NEWS

APRIL FOOL’S EDITION

THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

New version of WVU iPhone app to include couch burning

JUNE

BY CHASTITY BELT

2010 - RSVP!

STAFF WRITER

MATTHEW ARMSTRONG/THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

WVU President James P. Clements has been leaving reminders of his upcoming first year anniversary as the school leader.

Pres. Clements leaving hints for staff on upcoming anniversary

BY TIM BURR STAFF WRITER

West Virginia University President James P. Clements has been leaving reminders for his fellow staffers about his upcoming one year anniversary as president.

Becky Lofstead, spokeswoman for WVU, said Clements began sending out calendar announcements to staff as early as January.

“He wants us to make sure we don’t forget about it,” she said. “I can tell you, we haven’t.”

Clements has been leaving Post-it notes with the date of his anniversary on refrigerators at Stewart Hall, making passing remarks to co-workers and even going so far as to include it in the signatures of his e-mails.

“He came up to me in the

kitchen the other day as I was getting coffee,” said John Bolt, director of communications. “He kept mentioning about how he didn’t want any fuss or surprise parties or anything. He must have said it about five times.”

Another Clements staffer said the president demanded an email be sent out to all faculty, staff and students showing how empty his calendar was on the date of his anniversary, saying he would be “open to talk, hang out, go for a drink, celebrate something.”

Chris Martin, vice president of public relations at WVU, said the president had asked if the same notification could be sent out on the official University Twitter account with the hashtag “#partyforclemmy.” Martin refused to allow it.

An e-mail obtained by The

West Virginia University’s latest edition of the iPhone application iWVU added one more feature before Thursday’s men’s basketball game against the University of Washington.

The “burn a couch” application allows students to create the effect of burning a couch without actually doing it, said Jared Crawford, a junior computer and electrical engineering major and iWVU creator.

He submitted the new feature Wednesday, after more than 27 fires were reported after WVU won the Big East Tournament March 13.

“I just thought this would be a positive way to let students still uphold the WVU tradition of burning couches without actually causing any damage,” Crawford said. “After that Facebook group about how Morgan-

town might not exist if WVU got far in the NCAA Tournament, I knew I had to do something.”

The University fully supports this application, said Chris Martin, vice president of University Relations at WVU. “Students who watch games now can even burn a couch while in attendance or on their own.

There are no bad repercussions to this feature,” she said. “It’s really a great way to curb a problem at WVU with technology.”

Students, however, didn’t feel quite the same way.

Pat McGroin, a junior sociology major, took iWVU off of his phone because of the feature.

“It’s bulls---. They haven’t been able to control this for how many years, and they think that by putting app out it’s going help?,” he said. “They’ve got another thing coming. Wait until the next game, win or lose.”

Catherine Berry, a sophomore pre-biology major, said

she will not stand for any more positivity at the University.

“First they send out e-mails telling us to stop swearing at sporting events, now they’re going to try and crackdown even harder on couch burnings?” she said. “That will not happen on my watch.”

Berry and her friend, Melanie Cunningham, a junior visual journalism major, are coordinating a protest at the Morgantown Fire Department April 7.

“Well the Fire Department definitely doesn’t want an app for couch fires. Then they lose business and get bored,” she said. “They always put on this front about safety and fires, but really, they know what kids like to do here, and they practically encourage it.”

No one from the Fire Department was available for comment by press time. chastity.belt@mail.wvu.edu

Daily Athenaeum shows the president’s e-mail signature. “It’s been great to be here for almost a year. I seriously don’t want any fuss, guys. But if you really want to, I’d be fine with it, I guess.”

Clements said he was merely reminding people how time has flown at WVU. “You know, I’ve been here a year. I just want everyone to realize how far the college has come. That’s something to celebrate,” he said, suggesting some kind of party.

“The sad thing is, I think he thinks we don’t know what he’s trying to do,” one staffer said on the condition of anonymity. “We get it, Jim, seriously. We don’t need anymore hints.”

Staff within Stewart Hall have described Clements’ mood as both “cunning” and “mischievous.”

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King Redoubt (real name Barkley), the Washington Husky mascot, was caught wearing an adorable WVU scarf and looking OMG cute.

Washington Husky caught wearing West Virginia old Gold and Blue

BY WARREN T STAFF WRITER

The Washington Husky has come to the dark side.

Prior to Thursday’s meeting between West Virginia and Washington, the Washington Husky mascot King Redoubt, was found panting around Morgantown’s High Street – with a West Virginia handkerchief on. The dog, obviously, was unable to comment about the recent events.

But, paparazzi photos of the King Wednesday afternoon show the dog sneaking into Milan Puskar Stadium and returning with said handkerchief around his neck. The dog was also seen trying to hump the leg of Mountaineer Mascot Rebecca Durst.

“Bark,” the pup said.

Calls to dog’s owner were not returned. Calls to the Washing-

ton athletic department, however, were.

“We condone this type of behavior,” said UW Athletic Director Pam Robenolt. “The King is supposed to be our school’s representative, and he hasn’t done the job to the fullest. For that, he will be punished.”

Robenolt said the mascot will be banned from this year’s spring football game and go through a Pavlovian-style experiment.

The dog will have a choice between a WVU or UW handkerchief, and if he goes toward the WVU one, he will get “sssttt,” by the Dog Whisperer.

“I will tell him, ‘you are Washington’s pack leader,’” Mr. Whisperer said.

Robenolt said the dog may have to go through sex therapy, similar to golf superstar Tiger Woods. The mascot’s publicist said the dog would not hold a

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press conference about the incident, though.

“He’s been walking around with his tale between his legs for two days now,” the publicist said. “I think he knows he’s messed up one too many times, now.”

In the past, the mascot had been held responsible for crapping on the Huskies’ decaying football program – literally.

Poop was found in Tyrone Willingham’s shoe in early 2007. From that point on until Willingham was fired, there was tension around the football program, a source close to the program said.

Current West Virginia head men’s basketball coach Bob Huggins said he welcomes any and all mascots to the Mountaineer family.

“We’ve all made mistakes,” Huggins said. “But, that’s stupid.”

APRIL FOOL’S EDITION

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Clements enters ‘his team’ into REC Center indoor soccer league

BY NAT ELIGHT STAFF WRITER

When West Virginia University President James P. Clements stepped onto campus for the first time as the top dog, he spoke about building “his team.”

He wouldn’t touch some of the big issues on campus like tuition increases, PROMISE scholarships and the party school image, among other things, until that team was complete.

Now, get ready, because that team is joining a professional indoor soccer league.

Clements entered the team into the Major Indoor Soccer League. The Morgantown Adminz – the team’s name – will be the seventh member of the league.

“We’re so happy to add the Morgantown Adminz into our league,” said MISL Commissioner David Grimaldi. “This isn’t the normal makeup of teams in our league either. They should make it a more diverse league this season.”

The team will face the Philadelphia KiXX Monday in the team’s first game.

Clements said he expects the team to come out ready to play, despite practicing just twice

before because of scheduling conflicts.

“We’re kind of busy with other things,” he added.

Head coach of the Adminz, Marlon LeBlanc, sees some similarities between the Adminz’ roster and his roster at WVU. LeBlanc is also head coach of the men’s soccer team at the University.

“Well, they will be wearing blue and gold,” LeBlanc said.

“Outside of that, I don’t think there’s a similarity at all.”

The roster is headed by some of the biggest names on campus.

WVU Provost Michele Wheatly was named captain of the squad after her regimented offseason workout schedule.

Wheatly has been taking Zumba classes in the Student Rec Center to prepare for this season, she said.

“Soccer is in the blood as a Brit,” Wheatly said while drinking a cup of tea. “We call it football over there.”

Wheatly will star as the team’s midfielder.

In front of her will be Clements and Health Sciences Chancellor Christopher Colenda at the forward positions.

Defensively will be Vice President for Public Relations Chris Martin and University spokes-

woman Becky Lofstead.

In goal for the Adminz is Vice President for Student Affairs Ken Gray.

“Ken won’t just be able to send e-mails this time,” Clements said. “We will need him to be a true enforcer back there in goal.”

Reserves for the team will be Magrath and WVU head football coach Bill Stewart.

Despite only two reserves, LeBlanc sees the team as one of the deepest in the league.

“I don’t think you could say we have a deep bench,” LeBlanc said when asked. “I mean, I don’t really think you could say we have much of anything.”

The team is looking for an attacking midfielder for next year’s team, though. He said it could be the weak spot in the team’s lineup.

Clements said the University’s new athletic director search could include an interview and a few drills to test ball skills.

“Since this is a national search, we are going to be looking for the best attacking midfielder in the country,” Clements. “And someone who can keep us under the budget, of course.” nat.elight@mail.wvu.edu

Provost has agenda for WVU plan

BY SONNY DAY

The list, which is handwritten in pink pen on Wheatly’s stationary, consists of three goals for 2020.

Under some of the points, Wheatly included plans to help her complete the goals. Under others, she doodled to help illustrate her point.

The first point, which had four stars beside it, presumably to indicate its importance, was to “Regain No. 1 Party School ranking.”

The second point was to “Turn PRT into Lazy River,” complete with a sketch of several stick figures wearing bathing suits and riding down a river. Each of the figures was labeled with a different University official’s name: President James P. Clements, Health Sciences Chancellor Christopher Colenda and Wheatly herself.

Hugh Kierig, director of Transportation and Parking at WVU, said there were not plans in the immediate future to turn the PRT

system into a water ride, though he acknowledged it was a “cool idea.”

“I don’t know though,” Kierig said. “I’m a little upset she didn’t draw me as a stick figure. Just because I’m not part of Clements’ ‘team’ doesn’t mean I don’t like a little water fun, too.”

The third point on Wheatly’s list was to “Free lab animals, make petting zoo.”

Colenda said he was surprised Wheatly would make this a priority, as the University recently received $14.5 million in stimulus funds to construct a new housing facility for the HSC’s lab animals.

“Oh well,” Colenda said. “I guess that just means we can build a really big petting zoo.”

Wheatly was not available for comment by press time.

piece of this towing fee pie,” said City Manager Dan Boroff.

Continued from PAGE 1 Boroff thinks such a price increase is long overdue and hopes the new fines will also ing industry.

“With the increased ticket be a deterrent to students, price, we can afford to buy our hopefully keeping students own tow trucks and get us a from parking anywhere in

Morgantown.

Rosie agreed, saying parking ticket revenue for the University has not been able to offset the massive costs of parking attendant’s ticket printing machines and the high-quality paper tickets are printed on.

STAFF WRITER

A document leaked by West Virginia University officials shows Provost Michele Wheatly has a secret agenda for the strategic planning process she is heading.

Publicly, Wheatly has said she wants the entire University community to take part in the development of WVU’s next strategic plan, which will help guide the University through the next decade once the 2010 plan becomes outdated.

But Thursday, a University employee who works in the Provost’s office submitted a list of Wheatly’s “real plans for 2020.”

The source, who wished to remain anonymous, said he came across the list as he was looking through Wheatly’s desk to borrow a pen.

“I wasn’t snooping, honest,” he said.

SGA

SMOKING

Continued from PAGE 1 bacco use is an epidemic in America, but banning all smoking would make us no better than some University in Communist China.”

Clements tightened his hand into a fist and shook it up and down when laws about smok-

COIN FLIP

Continued from PAGE 1 a five-hour long Faculty Senate Executive Committee meeting that ended with not one decision being made, Clark said.

O r i g i na l l y t h e E xe c u tive Committee used the new coin flipping policy as a trial run, but has now expanded the policy to the entire Faculty Senate.

“This is really an ingenious policy,” Clark said. “We’ve had a high rate of success within the committee and are hoping that it continues throughout the en-

em.dub@mail.wvu.edu

ing other products were brought up.

Not all students were happy with the task forces decision.

“This is ridiculous.

Not only can’t I have a cigarette after a long challenging midterm, but now I am going to have to listen to that damn drum circle banging outside of my apartment window all night,” said Angela Whitehearst, senior ac-

counting major.

Abby Sobonya, a former SGA governor and task force member, was pleased with the decision.

“I know a lot of cigarette smokers are going to feel targeted by this recent decision, but that is no reason to go around harshening everybody’s buzz. Relax,” she said.

tire Senate.”

WVU is the first college in the nation to adopt such a policy, but University President James P. Clements said he believes it will catch across the nation.

“WVU has been stepping up to the plate in terms of enrollment, research and club sports,” Clements said. “(This policy) is just another way that we’re going to say we’re here, and we’re ready to be a leader.”

The Senate put the polic y to use at a meeting deciding which classes of 680 classes not taught since 2001 would remain by flipping

the coin.

Within 15 minutes, they had gone through all the classes, leaving exactly 468 to remain on the books and the rest to be discarded.

“Prior to having this coinflipping policy, we had to post all the classes online and then wait for official word from the deans of each college on whether a course should remain on the books,” Clark said.

“With this new policy, we just whizzed right through. It was as easy as that.”

CANCELED

next year we’ll be better off and not have to take such drastic meaContinued from PAGE 1 sures,” Clements said.

“Although, depending on how in the future to deal with such much work our students accomsituations. plish this week, we might never “I was still getting my ‘Snow have another Spring Break.”

Preparedness and Response Team’ together this winter, but matthew.armstrong@mail.wvu.edu

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Woodburn envy causes WVU to light all buildings year-round

BY HUGH MORRIS STAFF WRITER

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, all year round for Woodburn Hall and many other buildings at West Virginia University.

WVU has decided to keep Woodburn Hall lit up all year, said University President James P. Clements.

“It’s just so nice and pretty. Why not spread Christmas cheer all year long?” Clements said.

The lights are typically on for the holiday season, running this year from Dec. 1 to Jan. 18 said Lisa Saurborn, manager engineering in Facilities Management.

For that month and a half, the lights used about 24,010 kilowatt hours and cost about $960, averaging $19.59 a day, Saurborn said.

This means lighting Woodburn Hall year-round will cost the University about $7,150.35.

Currently Woodburn Hall is equipped with 7,000 five-watt electric bulbs, said Don Himes, operation manager of electrical shop at Facilities Management.

The bulbs are not the ecofriendly compact fluorescent light bulbs or light-emitting diode lights, but instead the incandescent “old type of Christmas lights,”

Himes said.

“We will definitely be looking at more cost-efficient lights,” Saurborn said. “Keeping them lit for the holiday season is one thing, but all year will cost more than anticipated.”

Not to make any of the other building jealous, Clements announced that each month another University building will be lit up as well, this time with a theme.

The list is as follows:January – Life Sciences Building will have white icicle lights with snowflakes.

February – Business and Economics Building will have red and pink lights with hearts.

March – Chitwood Hall will have green lights with leprechauns and four-leaf clovers.

April – Martin Hall will have yellow, pink and purple lights with the Easter bunny.

May – Brooks Hall will have blue lights and “Goodbye Students!”

June – E. Moore Hall will have yellow and green lights with palm trees and margaritas.

July – Armstrong Hall will have red, white and blue lights with American flags.

August – Oglebay Hall will have blue and gold lights with

“Welcome Back Students!”

September – Colson Hall will have red lights and apples for Johnny Appleseed Day. October – White Hall will have orange and black lights with Jack-O’-Lanterns.

November – Eiesland Hall will have yellow, orange and brown lights with Turkeys.

December – Clark Hall will have red and green lights with Santa Claus.

“It will make everything more festive and fun,” Clements said.

“The lighting of Woodburn Hall is a time-honored tradition that has been so popular. We thought it would be good to keep that momentum going the entire year.”

Student Government Association Gov. Madison Andreini is hoping the University will install year-round strobe lights in front of the Mountainlair to go with the music she proposed as part of her platform.

“I thought playing music outside would really make it a more positive atmosphere, but when I heard about the lighting buildings I instantly though strobe lights would be awesome,” Andreini said. danewsroom@mail.wvu.edu

4

OPINION

CONTACT US 304-293-5092 ext. 4 | DAPERSPECTIVES@mail.wvu.edu

APRIL FOOLS’ EDITION

Lazy river PRT cures the symptoms and disease One of the biggest impediments to improving the efficiency of any means of transportation is overcoming the natural problem of friction.

Since the days of cavemen, man has struggled to slip past this problem.

Wikipedia provides us a brief glimpse into past attempts to conquer the resistance.

The Neanderthals created the wheel. Leonard da Vinci drew Rube Goldberg-esque diagrams.

The Romans, to their credit, built flaming chariots (though, in the interest of full disclosure, that turned out to exacerbate the problem).

The Chinese used hot air balloons sewn from the skin of baby dolphins.

And then, hundreds, if not 35 years ago, West Virginia University unveiled the Personal Rapid Transit. At the time, it was billed as the wave of the future for metropolitan transportation.

And it has never failed to disappoint.

But sometimes, the wave of the future passes you by, only to be replaced by a small puddle of yellow liquid at your feet.

Sometimes, it’s time to move on.

And now is that time.

The University seeks to reinvent the PRT in its 2020 Master Plan. Switching from 1965 Dodge truck chassis to Toyota Priuses is one direction the administration could take.

Having a fleet of really cool

hybrid vehicles would boost the schools “green” reputation among tree-huggers and Global Warmists alike. It would most certainly boost our University’s letter grade on the College Sustainability Report Card to “A doubleplusgood.”

But what’s more sustainable and eco-friendly than water?

Nothing, that’s what.

Which is why the entire staff of The Daily Athenaeum would like to encourage – nay, beg – University officials to scrap the current plan and consider the more feasible plan that’s gained traction on the pages on Facebook.

For the sake of our children, our grandchildren and our grandchildren’s children, we urge the University to turn the PRT into a

lazy river.

In a recent editorial board meeting with the DA, Lance Bond, the lazy movement’s founder, said, “Modifying the current PRT into a lazy river makes complete sense.

Yes, passengers may get wet. But it will never catch on fire.”

When asked about how the slow pace of the lazy river may cause some students to be late for class, Bond responded, “Lazy rivers never make a student late for class. Poor planning and horrid time management makes students late for class. It’s not an excuse.”

Turning the PRT into a lazy river is a pragmatic solution to our school’s transportation issues. Water doesn’t break down.

It just flows.

And as most who have experienced the awesomeness that is a ride in this lackadaisical aquatic playground can attest, lazy rivers offer continuous transportation from Point A to Point B. Unless, that is, a fat kid struggling to get out of his raft causes an inflatable tube traffic jam at an entrance or exit.

The movement has become so popular the new SGA administration has already passed an international resolution supporting one free lazy river ride to every child of Sub-Saharan Africa.

We just want to add the voice of West Virginia’s 26th largest newspaper to that call for change.

So WVU, let’s all get wet.

Twitter dragon asks....

Do you like lazy rivers?

Carrier pidgeon us at

@yeoldeathenaeum

daperspectives@mail.wvu.edu

Really conservative columnist just wants more T and A RAY ALAN COLMES

TOKEN CONSERVATIVE

Do not be alarmed. You know me well, though my face may be concealed by this clever disguise. My loyal readers would never again take me seriously if they knew I was writing this piece, and I couldn’t live with myself if I disappointed all six of them.

Most of my waking hours are consumed fretting about the national debt or the perils of Obamacare but when taking a break from cursing the ground liberals walk on, I had a mystical experience, an epiphany of sorts.

I became acutely aware of a trend that I believe is directly

correlated with the future prospects of this great nation.

If something is not done to reverse this trend, then I fear America is almost certainly doomed.

I am talking, of course, about the decline in the quality of beer commercials on cable television.

Seriously, when did breweries think it became a good idea to focus on how products tastes? Everybody knows bad beer (read: Natural Light) tastes like warm horse pee, and good beer (read: Samuel Adams) tastes like warm horse pee with a mild seasonal flavoring.

No one cares how beer tastes – that’s not why we drink it.

So why does every major beer producer feel the need to produce a commercial telling me about how many varieties of

hops are included in their brewing process or reminding me just how old their brewery is. I don’t care. No one cares.

Brewmasters, even your mothers don’t care.

In the case of beer (I know, what a clever pun, thanks for noticing) taste is like mood music in a porn flick – virtually irrelevant.

In the good ol’ days, beer producers knew taste didn’t matter, so they tried to draw attention to themselves by making really awesome commercials.

Freed from the restriction of having to involve their product in any serious way, the artistic accomplishment of late 1990s and early 2000s is unparalleled in the history of TV commercials.

Back then Super Bowl ads weren’t horrible, in large part

because beer companies bought as many as 10 or 15 unique spots.

Then Justin Timberlake declothed Janet Jackson and everything went downhill from there.

Think how bad things have been since February of 2004: We became mired in Iraq, then faced the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression.

Which, by the way, came about on the heels of Prohibition, during which the sale of alcohol was totally illegal and the amount of advertising for beer dropped down to zero. Coincidence, I think not.

There is a little bit of hope.

Budweiser has recently run a few humorous ads, which may be the reason we managed to avoid a full-fledge depression.

But it pales in comparison to the ads of the golden era. “Here

we go” isn’t a great slogan, but then again, neither was BUDWEIS-ER. Anyway, there remains significant room for improvement.

And improve they must, unless we want America to fade into obscurity.

Thankfully, I am here to help.

A good beer commercial should have at least one of the following three things: Hot women, animals that can talk or act like humans or hot women fighting.

Working all three in is tricky, but if you do, your commercial is a guaranteed success.

Being funny is an absolute must, with only one exception.

It’s OK to be serious if you’re patriotic.

Only terrorists and Europeans laugh at America. And frankly,

there is not much difference between the two.

Double entendres and innuendoes are sure-fire standbys, and you can never go wrong with someone hurting themselves in a comical way.

Finally, and most importantly, focus as little as possible on the beer itself. That can’t be emphasized enough.

Let us return to the days of water fountain cat-fights, chameleons conspiring with a ferret to electrocute some frogs, horses playing football and beautiful women seductively opening bottles with the a bottle-opener concealed just inside the neckline of their shirt.

Then let’s crack open a cold one and watch as America rides the suds of success back up to her former glory.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR Send your letters to DAPerspectives@mail.wvu.edu

Three floor minimum needed for Brooks Hall elevator Seriously, people. Enough is enough. Monday, Wednesday and Friday of every week I walk to class from my apartment on South High Street to the B&E building.

Because I have weak calf muscles, I eschew walking up steps and avoid hills and even the most modest of inclines whenever possible.

Imagine my delight when Brooks Hall reopened two years ago with not one, but two brandspanking new elevators.

Sometimes dreams really do come true.

To ease my morning commute, I walk down along Beechurst Avenue until I get to Stansbury Hall.

There, I wait for a burly ROTC member to walk by and charm him (or her) into carrying me up the steps and across the Beechurst Pedestrian Bridge.

There, I walk to the ground floor of Brooks Hall and take the elevator to the fifth floor, get off, and make the relatively flat walk to the B&E building.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

Not a day goes by that I get on the elevator on the ground floor and push “5” to go straight to the top only to have my dreams crushed by some wheelchair

bound professor or crutcheswielding freshman who needs to get off on the second floor.

I’m sorry, take the stairs!

If you don’t need to go up at least three floors, you shouldn’t be taking the elevator.

You should be walking.

Idiots.

Dreamy Dawdle Sophomore, Fashion Design

Progressive college paper shouldn’t disregard traditions

hanged for the filth you proudly display on your front page.

Women in pants? Men with eyeliner? It’s a disgrace to the country I fought for.

I lost my pinky toe in the war so you hippies can have your own “opinions,” and what do I get in return? I get a free product that I won’t even allow my dog to crap on.

Maybe if you kids spent a little more time with your elders than trying to make your front page look fancy and writing about sinners, you’d appreciate that we live in a country that won’t use your tax dollars for abortions.

Good day to you!

MARIANA FREITAS/THE DAILY BRAZILIAN

You call this a newspaper? In my day, people would have been

T. Rex Morgantown

A group of slow, unathletic seniors (and one junior) pose after winning their first ever championship. Nobody cared. A few of their girlfriends showed up.

No longer accepting applications for new columnists.

We don’t need you. So don’t even think of applying. Not even if you have awesome writing samples.

The Daily Athenaeum has a full staff of eight liberal columnists, a moderate and a pseudo-conservative.

The new restriction from the DA limiting the use of the word ‘the’ preserves the artistic integrity of the paper’s writers BEN SCORSESEE

LA NOUVELLE VAGUE

America’s economic recession has hit college newspapers harder than people realize.

On New Year’s Day, we at The Daily Athenaeum learned some bad news: Recession-fueled budget cuts would increase this year. Our 2009 cutbacks were bad enough.

Do you know how hard it is to work when your office masseuse had to be let go for not being cost effective?

Or when your home caramel apple maker is deemed “an unnecessary expense”?

I didn’t think I would come back after “Jupiter Jump Tues-

DA

days” were canceled following Christmas break, but I decided to come back after giving a motivational speech to some aspiring young writers at my high school alma mater.

One little Hemingway said I was “a great writer; even better writer than Stephenie Meyer.”

With praise like that, I knew that people really needed to know what I was thinking about stuff.

In addition to having to cancel our monthly staff stereo system raffle and switch to Natural Light for Wednesday’s weekly “Loaded Lahoda” drinking game, our biggest cut for this year is a policy that limits use of the word “the” to only three uses per article, except when writing out our newspaper’s title in its full form.

And even then, we are only to do it if we, as an official memo on special University paper put it, “really, really have to.”

With that explanation, I have used up my quota of T-words for this column, unless paper-whoshall-not-be-named absolutely has to.

It may come as a surprise that using any particular word would be such a commodity.

After all, people would assume we write our articles and construct our layouts with computers.

But in fact, we do not.

It is a little-known fact this humble publication began in 1475 in France, where it was known as L’Athenaeum Quotidien, or L’AQ for short.

In those days, newspapers were constructed with movable

type and printed with Gutenberg presses. Through generations of owners, L’AQ kept using movable type in keeping with tradition.

L’AQ did not become what we now know it as until 1790, when its owner, Jean-Pierre Athenaeum, moved to America during France’s Revolution.

Business was good, but he ended up losing his beloved paper to Benjamin Franklin in a dice game.

Although Franklin took “Olde Daily Athenaeum,” as it was now called, in a more modern, provocative direction, he kept up Athenaeum’s family tradition of printing with movable type.

We still hold true to that tradition today.

It might cost a little more than

publishing on computers, but we consider ourselves auteurs, not just news people.

It’s like how film directors like Martin Scorsese and Quentin Tarantino shoot with film reels instead of digital cameras because of film’s greater artistic potential.

It is both a blessing and a curse, yet we are not alone in our preservation of printing presses.

A number of major publications, including “USA Today,” have high demands for movable type.

A vast number of publishers in need of “T”, “H” and “E” type blocks has led to a shortage.

That last word alone used all three letters.

It would be very sad for smaller movers – that’s an in-

dustry term for movable type enthusiasts – to shut down due to money problems, so we collectively made a compromise to cut back use of one of our most commonly used words.

Said compromise is a binding legal contract dictating that if any paper oversteps its quota boundaries, its entire staff will be forced to watch commercials with sad puppies that will make them feel bad about themselves.

Due to pressure from larger movers, though, permitted numbers of T-words per paper are determined by size, in what is undoubtedly a witch hunt.

In protest, I will not save money by using only two nontitle T-words, which before now, was all but a guarantee.

The end.

Letters to the Editor can be sent 284 Prospect St. or e-mailed to DAPERSPECTIVES@mail.wvu.edu. Letters should include NAME, TITLE and be no more than 300 words. Letters and columns, excluding the editorial, are not necessarily representative of The Daily Athenaeum’s opinion. Letters may be faxed to 304-293-6857 or delivered to The Daily Athenaeum.

EDITORIAL STAFF: DAVID RYAN, COUNTRY OF ORIGIN, PLEASE? / TONY DOBIES, WHITE SNEAKER LOVER / BRANNAN LAHODA, STRAIGHT BALLER / MELANIE HOFFMAN, SNARK SHARK / SHAY MAUNZ, ASSOC. ALLEY SMOKER / BRIAN GAWTHROP, SPORTS EDITOR / JOHN TERRY, ULTIMATE TWITTERER / MATT ARMSTRONG, A&E EDITOR / MACKENZIE MAYS, GEICO POTHOLE / LEANN ARTHUR, CAN YOU LET ME IN? CANDACE NELSON, PURPLE PEOPLE EATER / LYNNE PERRY, BUSINESS MANAGER / JAMES CARBONE, JEDI-IN-TRAINING / CASEY HILL, RACHELOLOGIST / ALAN WATERS, GENERAL MANAGER

XX 5 1

A&E

CONTACT US 304-293-5092 ext. 3 | DAA&E@mail.wvu.edu

APRILOF FOOL’S EDITION DAY Friday, March THE WEEK, 26, 2010 MONTH DAY, YEAR

Rick from ‘Degrassi’ replaces Drake

BY GEICO POTHOLE TIRE RUINER

Canadian rapper Drake was scheduled to perform at the West Virginia University Coliseum April 16 but has been involuntarily replaced by Ephraim Ellis, a new rap artist on the music scene and a former “Degrassi” costar of Drake’s.

Due to his recent mainstream success with No. 1 hits like “Worst I Ever Had” and “Unsuccessful,” Ellis was voted by popular demand of WVU students to replace Drake at the upcoming concert.

According to Drake’s publicist, the concert cancellation came as no surprise to Drake.

Drake has had on- and offscreen conflict with Ellis.

On the teen drama series “Degrassi: The Next Generation,” Ellis played the disturbed character Rick Murray, who shot and paralyzed Drake’s charac-

ter Jimmy Brooks – ultimately binding him to a wheelchair for the entirety of the season.

However, the two stars clashed off-set also, having many violent confrontations and constantly competing with each other, making working onscreen together nearly impossible and distracting other cast members.

“Degrassi” costar Miriam McDonald, who plays “Cause Girl” Emma Nelson on the show, claims working with Drake and Ellis became a nightmare for the “Degrassi” cast.

“Ephraim (Ellis) was always bullying Aubrey (Drake), and we all felt really bad for him because he seemed so helpless,” McDonald said. “He became extremely depressed, and we often found him crying on set.”

According to McDonald, Ellis was better liked on the “Degrassi” set than Drake and often

used his popularity against him by pulling cruel pranks on him, stealing his girlfriends and circulating the nickname “Fake.”

Ellis worked on the “Degrassi” set for only two seasons, making his character Rick the shortest lived character of the series’ history.

According to Ellis’ publicist, the “Degrassi” cast believed the feud was what caused Ellis to quit the show and while Drake considered Ellis’ departure a personal triumph, he was soon shocked to find that Ellis had left the show early to pursue a career in the rap industry.

Ellis achieved his goal of continuing to compete with Drake and has not only had much more mainstream success as a rapper but has even managed to takeover Drake’s concert tour.

Drake likened Ellis being chosen to perform instead of WEB him to being shot in the back. Drake appears dejected after learning Rick will perform at WVU instead of him. Drake likened the the experience to being shot in the back.

Books to stop publishing hard copies

BY CONSUELA MENDOZA MEXICAN PRINCESS

With the rise of digital readers the publishing of paper books is coming to a halt.

With new devices such as Kindles and Sony Easy Readers, publishing companies are finding it harder to sell their books in hard copy.

Could this be good for the environment or terribly bad for publishing agencies? We’re thinking it’s a little of both.

“With the popularity of the internet, newspapers and magazines were already at risk for a stop in production,” said Samantha Secrest, president of Little Tree Publishing Company. “I have devoted my time and love to publishing my entire life, and I always thought books were safe because how could you get full books off the Internet? Well, now you can, and be-

fore long authors will not need publishers, just a password to a screen.”

Since the rise of the World Wide Web, both newspapers and magazine sales have declined nearly 50 percent and 2010 may be the year downloads take over every aspect of the publishing industry.

With products such as the Kindle consumers are able to download their favorite books from the Internet for a price and can turn the pages with a touch of a screen.

Though customers have to pay for their books now, it will soon be just as easy to illegally download a book as it is to download your favorite song.

Publishing industries are still getting paid for the books that are bought electronically, but will no longer produce the books that hold a completely different aspect of the job

industry.

Top publishing companies will maintain the salaries of their CEOs, but what about the labor workers that work to produce the books? Not to mention libraries and bookstores will completely banish to nothing but coffee shops and computer rooms.

This will cause a decline in jobs that will only add to the poor economic state of America today.

The ability of consumers to purchase these books is also at risk because many cannot afford pricey books as well as the hundreds of dollars it takes to purchase a digital reader.

For some the feel of the books and ability to go to the library will be missed.

“I will miss the ability to go to the bookstore, and buy a book and a good cup of coffee,” said Ray Smith, Morgantown res-

ident. “I love to go to libraries and check-out my favorite books and with no more books being published what will I do?”

Lovers of the environment and electronics will join forces to bring money to digital reader producers.

The environmentally friendly invention is supported by the Environmental Protection Agency.

“The production of books may be good for some, but when it comes down to it, it’s bad for the environment,” said Sally Straiter, employee of the agency. “I am a lover of both books and the environment, so I think stopping the publication of paper books is a good thing.”

With both pros and cons, the production of books will stop mid-2010. On a related note, newspapers and magazines are expected to follow suit within the year.

WEB

Morgantown sensation Porch Guitarist seen here, shockingly not on a porch.

Porch Guitarist, DJ announce tour dates

BY MERKIN MUFFLEY SENIOR DERPOLOGIST

A local musician, known only as Porch Guitarist, has announced his latest tour dates, which include porches on Grant Avenue, Kingwood Street, North High Street and South High Street.

“I decided not to perform on High Street, it’s just too d--commercial now,” Porch Guitarist said.

Almost an urban legend, Porch Guitarist first started showing up and playing his guitar at parties during his freshmen year at West Virginia University.

“I heard about all these parties from people in my dorm, and I thought they sounded like a fun time,” Porch Guitarist said.

“Sure, nobody ever asked me to bring my acoustic ax, but I think it’s worked out for the best.”

Hugh Jass, whose parties Porch Guitarist frequents, has a different tale of the musicians rise to prominence.

“Truthfully, I still don’t know the guy’s real name, where he’s from or any of that,” Jass said.

“But when he starts muddling through chords on John Mayer songs, I just wanna be like ‘s--yeah, son.’”

While Porch Guitarist has a small and devoted fanbase, he attributes part of his success to the mystery surrounding him.

“I really don’t know any song all the way through, but people are afraid to say anything about it,” Porch Guitarist said. “They’re asking themselves ‘who is this guy with the guitar?’ or ‘did we invite him?’ or ‘should I call the cops?’ not ‘why doesn’t he fin-

ishing any songs?’”

At his shows, it is a common sight to see Porch Guitarist start playing the chords to one song, sing until the chorus and then start another song, sometimes by a different musician.

“I listen to a lot of music, so I like playing a lot of songs,” Porch Guitarist said. “And again, most people are too confused by who I am, why I’m there or why I have a knife with me to care about me doing what the ‘man’ wants me to do, finishing songs.”

Porch Guitarist will continue to tour through the summer and has already told fans he will appear at multiple Fourth of July parties.

In a surprising development, Porch Guitarist said he will be joined on tour by Window DJ. “He’s just such a class act, playing his music while the speakers are facing out of his dorm window,” Porch Guitarist said.

Window DJ first came to the attention of WVU students by playing loud music in his dorm room. His popularity quickly rose after he decided to open his window and put his speakers facing the street.

“That was the key for me,” Window DJ said.

Even though Porch Guitarist and Window DJ used to be rivals, they have put their feud behind them in the name of music.

“There’s just too much music to be mangled by us, him not knowing full songs and me with my wannabe spinning skills, to not join forces,” Window DJ said. “I think we’re ready to rock the Kasbah.”

WEB

Taylor Swift and a member of Slayer are shown rehearsing for their upcoming combined tour.

Taylor Swift, Slayer join forces for 2010 tour

BY GORILLAZ BASHIN

RACING AND COUNTRY MUSIC AFICIONADO

In what is yet another risky career move for the young songstress, country music superstar Taylor Swift has released dates for her upcoming 2010 summer tour with a surprise opening act – heavy metal gods Slayer.

According to Swift, the pairing with Slayer was a long time in the making for the teenage sensation.

“Growing up my mom used to rock out to ‘Hell Awaits,’ particularly ‘Raining Blood,’ so much that it really influenced how my music is today,” Swift

said recently in an interview with DA correspondent Bob Saget. “I don’t think I could ever have come up with ‘Love Story’ if it wasn’t for the wholesome, loving messages in Slayer’s music.”

“It is also all because of Slayer that I became the artist I am today,” Swift said. “They provided me with my first guest spot on a major album as a backup singer in ‘Serenity in Murder’ and have always been supportive of my career. I simply love those guys.”

The feeling is mutual for Slayer lead guitarist Jeff Hanneman, who saw tons of potential in Swift at a very young age.

“During our 2001 ‘God Hates Us All’ tour I spotted a young girl, had to be only be about 10years-old, knocking the everloving piss out of everyone in the mosh pit,” Hanneman said to a drunk David Hasselhoff outside of Scores New York.

“We invited this girl backstage after the show and it was Taylor, dressed to the nines in her all-black outfit, topped off with a Judas Priest reunion tour shirt.”

“We knew then and there that this girl was going to make it in the entertainment industry,” Hanneman said.

Some may say that Swift’s music has absolutely no resem-

blance to Slayer’s. However, the country star disagrees.

“If you were to listen to my song ‘White Horse’ and Slayer’s ‘Hate Worldwide’ back to back I’m sure you can determine the obvious influences the two share,” Swift explained once to a guy who looked strikingly similar to James Earl Jones.

“The tour will provide fans of myself and Slayer to mingle and enjoy these fine examples of popular music today.”

Tickets for the “Swift Slaying” tour can be purchased by calling 1-555-LOVE or at your local Toys-R-Us store. Select shows will also feature musical interludes by Kenny G.

6 | CAMPUS CALENDAR

THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

APRIL FOOL’S EDITION

CAMPUS CALENDAR CAMPUS CALENDAR POLICY To place an announcement, fill out a form in The Daily Athenaeum office no later than three days prior to when the announcement is to run. Information may also be faxed to 304555-5555 or e-mailed to poop@hotmail.com. Announcements will not be taken over the phone. Please include all pertinent information, in-

cluding the dates the announcement is to run.

Because of space limitations, announcements will only run one day, and maybe not all because the editor is a spite-filled man. All non-University related events must have free admission, but nobody seems to pay attention to this.

If a group has regularly scheduled

COMICS

meetings, it should submit all information along with instructions for regular appearance in the Campus Calendar, yet nobody does this.

The editors reserve the right to edit or delete any submission, and he will. There is no charge for publication. Questions should be directed to Pokemon Trainer Ash Ketchum at 304-867-5309.

WHAT DO YOU CARE? Are you even reading this part of the newspaper? I’m 100 percent sure you just use me for the puzzles and comics. Nobody looks at my heartfelt work that I use when crafting every announcement. You’re the reason I drink.

April 1 APRIL FOOL’S DAY will take place upon this day, but, since school is out for Spring Break then, the Daily Athenaeum will not be releasing their typical joke-filled newspaper on this day.

Isn’t that a shame?

CONGRATULATIONS to those who were born on this day. You’re probably part of an elaborate prank that your mother was playing on your father.

Your whole existence thrives on being a joke. Zing!

April 2 NOTHING of importance happened upon this day. Well, Napoleon Bonaparte married Archduchess Marie Louise of Austria 1810, but that was 200 years ago, so I doubt you actually care.

Look into your history sometime.

April 3 MOLLY CARDER has a birthday. She’s a former Mountaineer Pride bandmember, so this is totally legitimate.

April 4 I’M FLYING BACK FROM LOVELY IT ALY. I’ll be enjoying luxorious international travel in coach where my choices of movie will be “The Pacifier” starring Vin Diesel or “Babylon A.D.” also starring Vin Diesel. The stranger sitting next to me will ask me if I had a good time in a foriegn country, and I’ll answer politely, but really, I loath this stranger’s very existence. Part of me will hope that they’ll fall asleep and, when that fails, I will attempt sleep myself. I will have fitful dreams, I always do when I fly, and will pray to either Zeus or Odin that they end my torment, but neither do. I will enjoy the complimentary peanuts that are handed out, but they are but a moment’s respite. The monotony will take over and I’ll start signing song lyrics from popular hits by Abba. Eventually, we arrive, and, although my seat mate will tell me to have a good day, I will simply stare at them until the leave, forever remembering that crazed young man who stared into their very soul.

April 11 JOSH FERNANDEZ was born today. if you run into him, politely slap him on the bottom and whisper the word “Whiskey” into his ear. He’ll know what it means.

Every Friday A COUPLE OF GUYS are going to be hanging out later. You’re invited if you want, but we won’t be doing a whole lot, maybe play some rounds of Halo, order a pizza. Should be a good time.

VINNY stopped by the other day, saying he was looking for you. Didn’t say what about, but it seemed important to him. Watch out for him.

OH GOD there is a bee on my desk!

How did it get in here? It’s flying right at me, watch out. Who left a window open all night so a bee could get in here?

This is awful.

do you mean we don’t have any bug HAS ANYBODY SEEN “UP IN THE spray? I am super allergic you guys, AIR?” I hear good things, and i really why won’t anybody help me? BITMAPPED is going to totally enjoy Clooney films, but I don’t know if it is worth renting yet. Somebody told see this, send us a message via social me it is a downer, and I was hoping for networking site Twitter and tell us we something with a happier tone to it. screwed something up horribly. We’ll feel like crap, he’ll continue to direct What about “Crazy Heart?”

LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH, every “the @dailyathenaeum train to cluetime I do it makes me laugh. How did ville” and other hillarious jibes. Well our eyes get so red? And what the hell guess what, @bitmapped? We’re in print now, we’re going old school and is on Joey’s head AND THIS IS WHERE I GREW UP. I we won’t stand for your shenanigans. AJWARNE will also say some pretty think the present owner fixed it upI never knew we’d ever went without. mean things and then surprise us the The second floor is hard for sneaking next day by saying something pretty nice, throwing us off the scent of his out.

AND THIS IS WHERE I WENT TO true motives to replace us all with SCHOOL, most of the time had better machines. things to do. Criminal record says I’ve broke in twice. I must have done it half April 11 a dozen times HOLLYWOOD’S MRCRAIGBIERKO I WONDER IF IT’S TOO LATE, should I gets a shout-out on a college newspago back and try to graduate? Life’s bet- per he’s never read, created by some ter now than it was back then. If I was guy he follows and probably doesn’t them I wouldn’t let me in. like enough to actually check this.

Oh oh oh April 12 Oh God I ...

EVERY MEMORY OF LOOKING OUT CANDACE NELSON will win another THE BACK DOOR, I have the photo al- scholarship, or award, or something bum spread out on my bedroom floor. and tell everyone how great she is.

It’s hard to say it, time to say it, goodApril 13 bye, goodbye.

EVERY MEMORY OF WALKING OUT ‘LIFE WITH CASEY: THE MOVIE’ THE FRONT DOOR, I found the photo comes to 3D cinemas all across the of the friend that I was looking for. It’s United States to dismal reviews. Evenhard to say it, time to say it, goodbye, tual lawsuit from fellow production of goodbye. Goodbye “That’s So Courtney,” a failed attempt REMEMBER THE OLD ARCADE? Blew to capture the magic of “Casey.” Roevery dollar that we ever made. The mantic love-interest still not concops hated us hanging out. They said firmed for movie. somebody went and burned it down WE USED TO LISTEN TO THE RADIO, April 14 and sing along with every song we TWITTER becomes sentient and know. We said someday we’d find out challenges CNN to a fight. Rick Sanhow if feels. To sing to more than just chez runs away in tears, Anderson the steering wheel Cooper emerges victorious in bloody KIM’S THE FIRST GIRL I KISSED. I cagematch against Twitter bird. was so nervous that I nearly missed.

She’s had a couple of kids since then. April 15 I haven’t seen her since God knows APPLE’S IPAD, two weeks after its launch, has saved journalwhen ism and everything about it. WVU’s Oh oh oh Oh God I Journalism School can return to norEVERY MEMORY OF LOOKING OUT mality after spending years talking THE BACK DOOR, I have the photo al- about multimedia slide shows and bum spread out on my bedroom floor. slick broadcasts and talk about beIt’s hard to say it, time to say it, good- ing watchdogs and public affairs bye, goodbye. reporting.

EVERY MEMORY OF WALKING OUT JUSTIN BIEBER will explode. Girls THE FRONT DOOR, I found the photo everywhere scramble for a piece of of the friend that I was looking for. It’s the Beeb. hard to say it, time to say it, goodbye, THE CUTE PUPPY FROM THE OFFICE goodbye.

WE’VE PUT IN THE PAPER TWICE TODAY I MISS THAT TOWN. I miss their faces. will return to the office a proud, fierce You can’t erase. You can’t replace it. I dog who won’t put up with Leann Armiss it now. I can’t believe it. So hard thur’s attempts to retrieve his chew to stay. Too hard to leave it, if I could I toy from his mouth. relive those days.

LEANN ARTHUR will explode.

I KNOW THE ONE THING THAT WOULD WEST VIRGINIA UNIVERSITY will NEVER CHANGE; every memory of look- announce it is seeking a new Univering out the back door. I have the photo sity president after getting “cold-feet” album spread out on my bedroom floor with James P. Clements. Not because It’s hard to say it, time to say it, good- they don’t like him, but because, like bye, goodbye. a cat, “he’ll just keep coming back if EVERY MEMORY OF WALKING OUT we feed him.”

THE FRONT DOOR, I found the photo PROFITMONEY will release a song of the friend that I was looking for. It’s about something, people will like it, hard to say it, time to say it, goodbye, and he’ll always have Morgantown in goodbye. his heart.

WHY DON’T YOU TELL HIM THAT, LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH, every time I do it makes me laugh. Every time Im leavin’, never lookin’ back again, I do it makes me ... you found somebody who does it betCONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS ter than he can are going to be for sale all over the NO MORE MAKING YOU CRY, no place. Better pick some up so you don’t more of them grey skys, girl we’ll be get pregnant. No need for babies run- flying on my g5, g5, im leavin’ never ning around, especially not at your age lookin’ back again SO COME ON SHORTY AND TELL when you can’t properly take care of HIM you found a new man, the one one. Babies can’t raise babies.

OH NO, that bee is back. It might be thats so, so fly, the one that keep you a wasp. Where is the bug spray? What high, have you singing all night.

HOROSCOPES BORN TODAY Does it matter if you are born today? So few people will actually rise to greatness, odds are you won’t be one of them. You are but a small cog in the giant machine called life.

We all are, nobody gets to break the monotony. If you’re single, thats because you have alienated everyone you once held dear with your terrible odor. If you’re in a relationship, don’t let them go, otherwise you will be single again fast. Everybody really likes it when they’re significant other is super clingy. No other star signs can actually help you, as this is all made up mumbo jumbo.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) ✢✢✢✢✢ Recognizing everything that must be accomplished could be overwhelming. If you let the stress get to you, you’re nothing but a wuss. A wuss without any friends. Not that an Aries can a ctually make friends. Tonight: Cry like a baby while sucking your thumb, wuss.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) ✤✤✤ If you can work from home, do. If you’re jobless, this isn’t actually working from home. It isn’t even your home, you’re living in your buddy’s basement. Sure, he

by Steve Breen

Grand Avenue

by Steve Breen

Grand Avenue

by Steve Breen

Grand Avenue

by Steve Breen

Continual

FEATURE OF THE DAY

BY ERIQ MOTUMBA

Grand Avenue

said you can stay as long as you want, but he is starting to get sick of you, and of course you don’t help out by paying any bills. Tonight: Pretend to be your opposite gender in a chat room.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) ✱✱✱✱✱ Keep conversations moving, knowing you are finally clearing the air. Most of these people are going to act like everything is okay now, but, lets be honest, it isn’t. You did something awful and ruined so many friendships, jerk. Tonight: Continue spreading awful lies, it is what you do best.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) ❖❖❖❖ Be careful about spending or OKing an expenditure. You’re already ridiculously deep in debt and need to stop yourself. You do not need a fourth snuggy, and don’t lie, we all know it isn’t a gift. Also, stop eating fast food. You know why. Tonight: Wrestle a stranger.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22) ◗◗◗ You have others listening and responding, too bad all they’re saying back to you is mean things. Maybe its because you didn’t feed Jeff ’s goldfish even though you said you would. Where is goldie

now? Heaven. Tonight: Break a promise, like usual.

VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22) ▼▼▼ You sense that something is happening behind the scenes, though you might not be totally clear as to what that is. This is because nobody tells you anything, as you are a blabbermouth. It would be more surprising if you didn’t talk for ten whole seconds.

Tonight: Leave your friends alone, they don’t actually like you.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22) ❏❏❏❏❏ Focus on the big picture, not the details. This is because nobody trusts you with the details. The fact that you can tie your shoes by yourself is honestly amazing. How are you in college?

Tonight: You’re going to ignore whatever I tell you, why bother?

SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21) ●●● A must appearance could take a while. Doesn’t matter, most your friends have long forgotten about you. Those that do remember you don’t call because you always cancel on them. Tonight: Watch reruns of “News Radio.”

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC.

21) ❂❂❂❂❂ You have difficulty staying present in the moment. The doctors gave you medication for it, but you refuse to take it. Your mother is really worried about you.

Tonight: Resist your urge to stalk.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19) ✌✌✌✌ A partner might have many ideas. You will disagree with most of them because you consider yourself the creative one. This will cause an awful rift. Jerk. Tonight: Listen to your alt-rock, hippy.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18) ✇✇✇✇✇ Others seek you out, be it at work or at home.

Just kidding, nobody wants to hang out with you, loser. You even smell like failure, just like your father. Tonight: Are you still here?

PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20) ❚❚❚❚ You might escape work overload by asking for help from a sensitive associate or friend. They won’t give it to you because you said something offensive to them when you were in a bad mood last weekend. Odds are, you’re going to be in big trouble because of this. Tonight: Skip your sensitivity training and go buy some McNuggets.

PUZZLES

Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by-3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit, 1 to 9. For strategies on how to solve Sudoku, visit www.sudoku.org.uk.

DIFFICULTY LEVEL MEDIUM THURSDAY’S PUZZLE SOLVED

Across 1 Prefix with brewery 6 Quite a ways away 10 Field furrow maker 14 Like a specially formed committee 15 Infrequent 16 Learn about aurally 17 Track shoe part 18 Canon shots, briefly 19 Dark and murky 20 Hopelessly, as in love 23 Meal remnant 24 Cribbage piece 25 Writer’s coll. major, often 26 Piper in the air 29 Field sobriety test 32 Fossil fuel 35 Draw a bead 36 Keeps for later 37 A single time 38 Theater chain founded in 1904 41 __ Beach, Florida 42 Firestone products 44 Bit of a chill 45 Formerly, previously 46 Fierce way to fight 50 Reply: Abbr.

51 __, dos, tres ...

52 ‘50s car embellishment 53 “Antiques Roadshow” airer 56 Facetious 60 Forte of a certain “doctor” 62 Eye blatantly 63 Throw with effort

64 Political alliance 65 Mass transit option 66 Game show host 67 “The Sun __ Rises” 68 Somewhat 69 Competed in a bee Down 1 Virile 2 Work shirker 3 Copy from your classmate’s paper, say 4 Willie Nelson’s “On the __ Again” 5 Squid cousins 6 Broken chord, in music 7 Expo 8 Shooter with a quiver 9 Bristle at 10 Golfer Mickelson 11 Camera’s protective cap 12 Cask material 13 Droll 21 Bribable 22 They’re big in Hollywood 27 Online surfers, e.g.

28 Stupefy with booze 29 Hertz inventory 30 Edit 31 Umbilicus 32 Terra __: pottery clay 33 Burger topper 34 Puzzles involving quotes, usually 39 Hall of Fame outfielder Dave or actor Paul

Did you take YAZ or YASMIN?

40 Madrid’s country 43 Steer clear of 47 Long-haired cat 48 Chewy candy 49 Yard’s 36 53 What a V-sign may mean 54 Slanted edge 55 Trapshooting 57 Not hoodwinked by 58 Director Kazan 59 Natural rope fiber 60 Place to be pampered 61 Buddy

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Consultation

THURSDAY’S PUZZLE SOLVED

G. Patrick Jacobs Jacobs Law Office 7020 MacCorkle Ave, SE Charleston, WV 25304 pjacobs@bjblaw.com www.bjblaw.com 800-966-6593

APRIL FOOL’S EDITION

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT | 7

THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

George Lucas to remaster ‘Star Wars Holiday Special’ Director plans to make ‘Holiday Special’ even worse

BY JUSTIN CASE

INSURANCE SPOKESMAN

In an announcement that stunned science fiction fans across the world, “Star Wars” creator George Lucas said he plans to remaster and re-release “The Star Wars Holiday Special.”

The notoriously ill-received

television special only aired once, on CBS in 1978, but has remained in circulation thanks to bootleg versions.

Lucas had very little to do with the production of the TV special, despite the fact it features all of the characters from his classic films, played by the original actors.

In fact, Lucas had previously

STAR WARS WIKI YES, IT ACTUALLY EXISTS

Despite this drawing, Ewoks are not cool at all. Deal with it.

held “The Star Wars Holiday Special” in such a low regard that it’s been reported he wanted to track down every single bootleg copy of the show and “smash them with a sledgehammer.”

But apparently, Lucas has put his distaste for the special aside and is planning to remaster the entire program from the original broadcast tapes, along with newly improved special effects and editing choices.

In 1997, Lucas made controversial edits to the original “Star Wars” films, which caused much backlash from fans.

However, in a telephone interview with The Daily Athenaeum, Lucas claimed he has no fears his fans will retaliate over this new version of “The Star Wars Holiday Special.”

“Honestly, I don’t feel we’re going to be taking anything away from the original,” Lucas said, “It was so bad to begin with.”

When asked to elaborate on what changes would be made to the special, Lucas noted that he will not be trying to make the special better, but that these changes will actually make viewing “The Star Wars Holiday Special” even worse than it ever had been before.

“When I tried to make the other films in the ‘Star Wars’ canon better, everyone just said I made them worse,” explained Lucas. “So I decided that maybe if I tried to make something that was already bad even more intolerable, maybe it’ll have the same reverse effects.”

Lucas then explained the original special, which is told from the point of view of Chewbacca’s Wookiee family on the planet Kashyyyk, did not feature any subtitles for the alien lan-

GEORGE LUCAS’ GREED

Nothing awesome from the original trilogies will be in the remastered ‘Star Wars Holiday Special.’ guage that was being spoken.

This lack of subtitles made a majority of the story too confusing for anyone to follow, but Lucas will finally resolve this problem with the new release.

The only catch is that Lucas plans to subtitle the scenes in the native Wookiee tongue of shriiwook instead of English.

When asked about this absurd notion, Lucas was report-

edly “too busy counting his royalty check from R2-D2 keychains and coming up with new ways to ruin everything that geeks hold dear” to comment.

While the baffling subtitle issue is leaving many fans confused, most will be pleased to hear that the off-tune musical number featuring Carrie Fisher will be auto-tuned.

An early version of the track

has already leaked and is becoming a hit on dance floors across the world.

According to the press release, this edition of “The Star Wars Holiday Special” will also see a theatrical re-release in 2012 and Lucasfilm Ltd. is strongly considering releasing it in digital 3-D as well as scattered showings on IMAX theaters across the U.S.

Disney to reboot film franchises with Marvel characters, ‘Beauty and Beast’ first film scheduled

BY DECKLAND HARDWOOD SENIOR LAZY RIVEROLOGIST

When Disney announced its plans last year to acquire Marvel Entertainment Inc., it was assumed that the company was going to keep its properties separate.

However, earlier today, Walt Disney Company President and CEO Bob Iger announced plans to redo its famous film franchises so to feature Marvel characters.

“These stories are considered classic by some, yes, but we at Disney believe that rebooting these films to feature some of our new Marvel properties will improve them overall,” Iger said at a press conference in Orlando, Fla., this morning.

Iger also revealed at the

press conference the first films that will receive the Marvelrevamp.

“Iron Mulan” will now tell the tale of a young Chinese weapons engineer, “The Little Merman” will star Marvel antihero Namor, the Sub-Mariner and “Beauty and the Beast” will now feature the X-man Beast, once again to be played by Kelsey Grammer.

“I’m excited to return to the role,” Grammer said, who played Beast in 2006’s “X-Men: The Last Stand.”

Grammer also stated that he wished people would stop calling him Frasier in public.

At the press conference, Disney also announced that some of its characters will also crossover into Marvel Comics.

“Simba will become a superhero called the Lion King and join the Avengers.

We are also lining up Scrooge McDuck to be the Marvel universe’s next big villain,” said Marvel Editor in Chief Joe Quesada.

Quesada was then bombarded by tomatoes, not because of the press conference, but because of his controversial “Brand New Day” storyline that features Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson sacrificing their marriage to the demon Mephisto.

That storyline actually happened off set.

When told about these new changes, Marvel fans seemed receptive to them.

“I think its about time that they updated all these old mov-

ies,” said 33-year-old West Virginia University dropout Chad Wilkes.

“Now I can watch these movies without feeling like I’m being condescended to; it’s like the originals were made for kids or something,” Wilkes said, who still lives in his mother’s basement.

“Personally, I cannot wait to read the new ‘Avengers’ issue where Simba becomes an alcoholic, accidentally kills Nala and, in the end, conquers his own demons,” said Morgantown local Smithy Andrews.

Iger ended the press conference by saying “Expect fanfavorite character Wolverine to show up in all of these revamped films as well because we are going to run that character into the ground.”

COMING THIS SUMMER A WEB SERIES OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

THE LIFE OF A WEB EDITOR LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!

LIFE WITH CASEY “ ””

“KIND OF AWFUL.”

KIDZ BOP

It is unlikely 17th century composer Frederic Chopin ever though his work would be covered

by Kidz Bop.

Kidz Bop’s latest the group’s most mature effort to date ERRONEUS DAWSONN

A&E INSTIGATOR

We’ve all heard the Kidz Bop’s voices develop throughout its near-decade long career, but this time, it’s a little different.

“We’ve been doing the same routine for a while now,” said star tenor Kevin Constantine. “You know, learn a song, sing it like a toddler and get cash money.

But we all felt that this time we wanted ‘Kidz Bop 98’ to reflect our own tastes, rather than the Billboard Top 40.”

For the 98th volume of the supremely active gang of Kidz, the members turned to the much less celebrated masters of music, paying them an exceedingly anticipated homage.

The album’s first track, “Mazurka No. 49 in F minor,” is a highly charged vocal arrangement of Frederic Chopin’s posthumously published waltz.

“The Chopin tune was played at my sugar glider’s burial a few years back around the ‘Kidz Bop 67’ era, so I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to pay tribute to the little guy,” said mezzo-soprano Lisa Derp.

The album’s centerpiece, Gustav Mahler’s Symphony No.8, popularly known as “Symphony of a Thousand,” a twohour long work, splits the album into a two-disc pressing.

Composed mostly in 1906, Mahler wrote the piece for approximately 170 orchestra players and 850 voices.

“It was a huge undertaking, but I think it turned out really well,” Derp said.

Substituting for the orchestra is a Casio keyboard, an instrument bought at a RadioShack

by Derp in 1992.

“The french horn sounds on the keyboard aren’t very accurate, but the string sounds on there are killer,” Constantine said.

Among covering the music of composers who have achieved permanent positions in the classical music repertoire including Hector Berlioz, Ralph Vaughan Williams and Dmitri Shostakovich, “Kidz Bop 98” spans even the newest frontiers of the avant-garde and minimalistic scene.

“I discovered Philip Glass in 2002 and ever since Minimalism has been my raison d’etre,” Constantine said.

Having been influenced by the ilk of minimalist composers who achieved their peak of popularity during the ’70s, Constantine formed his own side project, 7x8.

7x8, pronounced seven by eight, “is a cleverly devised name influenced by the odd time signatures we play in,” Constantine said.

Among using traditional instruments very untraditionally, 7x8 uses all the famous new music techniques in their compositions, including tearing newspapers and, on one occasion, burying a microphone in the backyard of Derp’s upstate New York home.

“Kidz Bop 98” is now available on CD, vinyl and iTunes.

Grade: Out of this world

8 | SPORTS

THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

APRIL FOOL’S EDITION

WVU buys Cowboys’ scoreboard, can’t get it to work In a last-ditch effort to continue on as West Virginia University athletic director, Ed Pastilong bought the Dallas Cowboys’ Jumbo-tron, and had it shipped to Morgantown and installed at Milan Puskar Stadium over the weekend.

Pastilong negotiated a deal late Friday night with Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to buy the scoreboard for $16 million.

The basketball practice facility, which has already broken ground, was simultaneously pushed back Saturday morning, the University announced.

“That’s one big board,” Pastilong said. “We always try to make constant updates to our facilities each year, which makes them one of the best in the Southeastern Con ... Big East.”

While the scoreboard is now sitting above Mountaineer Field, the University’s Office of Information Technology has been trying to calibrate the scoreboard to be ready for the April 30 spring football game.

But, as with the old scoreboard, one black patch can be seen on each board.

“We’re working to fix all of this, so we are ready for the spring game,” Pastilong said. “I don’t see how this completely realistic idea won’t be ready by the spring game.”

WVU head coach Bill Stewart sees the new scoreboard as a recruiting tool.

“The lads will love this,” he said.

“It’s a great opportunity.”

SEC to Stew: Hell no

Southeastern Conference officials took notice of West Virginia head football coach Bill Stewart’s comments about a possible move to its conference.

“Yea, we saw it,” said SEC Commissioner Mike Slive. “And you know what we said to each other? We laughed and said, ‘Hell to the no.’”

Stewart “thought out loud” to a television reporter in Parkersburg, W.Va., about the possibility West Virginia would not be part of the Big East Conference in the recent future, using language as if the Big East was already a dead league.

Stewart wasn’t available for comment. But, LSU head coach Les Miles was.

— bad “I’d be happy to see a team like

CAREY

BY MICHAEL TERRY

ASSOCIATE SPORTS EDITOR

The West Virginia Athletic Department announced Thursday night student seating at West Virginia home football games will be given away to students from other universities.

Athletic director Ed Pastilong said the change was being made in order to improve student attendance at the games.

“Right now, students aren’t showing up until midway though the first quarter, and they leave at halftime,” Pastilong said. “That’s not good enough for me.”

Pastilong said he has talked with officials from schools in

FILE PHOTO

Carey shows the crowd his finger in the semifinal game of the Big East Conference Tournament.

West Virginia defeated Rutgers in the game to move to the conference championship game.

The coach’s behavior since accepting the award has led to the discussion of the possible rescinding of the trophy.

Id thi eser v s tha mor e nh e im

TURK

Continued from PAGE 10 to school. I had no idea what to say.”

Kilicli came clean when asked about the situation.

The freshman said he was given the option to pick which country he wanted to be from and chose Turkey because he felt the country “fit his personality.”

WVU head coach Bob Huggins said it was hard to maintain the secret throughout the season and admitted he made

JOHN FLOWERS SO ICEY

Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia and West Virginia about offering seating at football games this season.

The schools will pay West Virgnia for the seats, Pastilong said.

A source from the Pittsburgh athletic department said the two schools were close to a deal that would give West Virginia nearly $3 million for access to 6,000 seats per game.

“In this economy, we have to take what we can get,” Pastilong said. “I don’t care if we have 12,000 students rooting against us, if we can bring in the extra revenue, it will be worth it.”

Pastilong estimated that the mistakes when he was asked to comment on his player.

Specifically, Huggins said he lied when asked how Kilicli learned how to speak English so well, in which the coach replied he simply watched TV for three days and caught on.

“Anyone should have known that no one can learn English in three days by watching TV,” Huggins said.

“That’s stupid.”

In related news, Mountaineer Maniacs and the WVU Pep Band have placed an order for 150 Wood County flags.

West Virginia athletic department will be able to bring in between $3 million and $6 million for the seats.

Officials from the Big East Conference declined to comment.

The move is not unusual.

Other schools fighting for fan attendance include Marshall University in Huntington, W.Va. “We’ve seen a record low attendance ever since filming wrapped on ‘We Are Marshall,’” one athletic official said on condition of anonymity.

Pastilong stressed the seating was being changed was to create a better football environment.

He said money had nothing to do with the idea.

TWITTER

Continued from PAGE 10 appreciation day on Twitter.

But what might be even more revolutionary in Flowers’ case is he and teammates Da’Sean Butler, West, and Mazzulla finally found a use for those oblong pillows found commonly on hotel room beds.

“I mean, it’s not like you can sleep on those, so we thought we’d make better use of them,” Flowers said. “I’m thinking about using those in Beyonce’s video, too.”

THE MORE YOU READ, THE MORE YOU KNOW

BRIAN GAWTHROP SPORTS EDITOR

LEANN ARTHUR/THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

West Virginia head women’s basketball coach Mike Carey holds a sign that reads ‘I deserve this more than him’ after accepting the award for Big East co-Coach of the Year in Hartford, Conn.

No, Stew...

Ask

Huggins to become Jimmy “I wish we could make a shot, John’s sponsor but I can’t continue to wear this when all we do is miss open shots,” West Virginia men’s basketball Huggins said. head coach Bob Huggins is retirAsked why he wouldn’t bring ing his trademark black pullover in back the gold or blue suits from favor of donning a Jimmy John’s T- two seasons ago instead of the shirt on the sideline, the coach an- Jimmy John’s shirt, Huggins was nounced Thursday. frank in stating, “That’s stupid.”

Huggins decided to begin enWhen his coaching days are dorsing the home of the “World’s over, Huggins expressed interest Greatest Gourmet Sandwiches” in becoming a full-time Jimmy after enjoying a number of subs John’s employee. they have to offer.

“Maybe I can be a delivery “The J.J. Gargantuan is my fa- man and ride one of those bivorite, but everything they have cycles down High Street,” Hugis good,” Huggins said. gins said.

The decision became an easy Huggins will immediately beone for Huggins after watching his gin searching for a black Jimmy team struggle to score throughout John’s sweater for assistant coach a season in which he’s worn the Billy Hahn.

-grc pullover for every game.

Student seats to be given away to other students of other universities

Continued from PAGE 10 direction of Auriemma and Rutgers head coach Vivian Stringer while multiple fans in attendance throughout UConn’s XL Center reported hearing the WVU head coach yell, “That’s all me,” after numerous Sarah Miles layups.

“It’s getting ridiculous,” Miles said.

Carey also held up a sign that said “I deserve this more than him,” with an arrow pointing in the direction of Auriemma when the two were first introduced as co-Big East Coaches of the Year.

“I’m tired of not getting respect,” Carey said.

When asked to comment on the situation, Auriemma said it’s nothing new, as multiple coaches have taken out their anger on his team’s success. The veteran head coach said Carey’s actions have been over the top, as he’s received threatening phone calls in the middle of the night from two callers who sounded like Carey and DePaul head coach Doug Bruno, who is said to be a partner in the Carey outrage.

“They were yelling and telling me to give up the trophy,” Auriemma said. “I told them I wasn’t going to, but I would think about it if Carey purposely lost in the first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament.”

West Virginia fell to San Diego State Thursday in the second round of the NCAA Tournament.

Carey declined to comment when asked about the situation following the game.

Big East officials said no punishment is likely for Carey’s actions as no game official has caught Carey in the act.

“It’s not the first thing officials have missed this year,” Carey said.

Mountaineer players said the award has “gone to (Carey’s) head,” while reports have surfaced that the Clarksburg, W.Va., native has since applied for the West Virginia men’s team head coaching position and for head coach of the Harlem Globetrotters.

“That’s stupid,” said current WVU men’s basketball head coach Bob Huggins of Carey’s application surge.

One-third of the Mountaineers’ season-ticket sales for the 2010-11 season have already been canceled in what WVU sports marketing director Matt Wells said was a direct reflection of the coach’s actions.

Students, however, are expected to fill the void after Carey said Tuesday they can throw anything they want onto the court, as long as it is in the direction of Auriemma.

West Virginia in the SEC,” Miles said. “It would be like playing Louisiana Tech each year.”

West Virginia does have other opportunities to join conferences in the next few years if the Big East Conference disbands.

Mountain West Conference Commissioner Craig Thompson officially extended an offer for the Mountaineers to join. Stewart said he would consider taking up the offer.

“Have you ever played up there in them Rocky Mountains?” Stewart said. “I did back with Fisher DeBerry when I was at Air Force in 1972. Those are some quality-character young football programs.

“We would be blessed to play against the likes of my good buddies Troy Calhoun and Mike Locksley.”

— dad

THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

US about the kickoffs

APRIL FOOL’S EDITION

SPORTS | 9

THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

Stewart: Ask me about Beyonce

DON’T MAKE YOUR DOG WAKE UP FOR THE MORNING NEWSPAPER

Coach to guest star in upcoming video ‘Leave No Doubt’

BY GREG CAREY SPORTS WRITER

West Virginia head football coach Bill Stewart is taking an indefinite leave of absence after announcing his intentions to step away from the sidelines to be featured in an upcoming Beyonce Knowles music video.

“This has always been a dream of mine,” Stewart said. “Beyonce is a dear friend, and I can’t wait to get this video started.”

Sources say the video will be shot in Los Angeles for a new song of Beyonce’s, titled “Leave no Doubt.”

“If you think that ‘Halo’ song she had was a good, wait until you hear this one,” Stewart said.

“The message in this particular song is truly special.”

Because there was no official date when filming the video would begin, there is no word on exactly how long Stewart will be away from the Mountaineers.

While he’s away, defensive coordinator Jeff Casteel has been tagged the interim head coach

by WVU athletic director Ed Pastilong.

Although Casteel has never been a head coach before, Pastilong has a positive outlook.

“Jeff Casteel has always been a quality coach, and he’s certainly capable of leading in tough situations like these,” Pastilong said.

Casteel will continue serving as the defense coordinator along with assuming head coaching duties until Stewart returns.

Stewart will miss the start of spring practice April 6 and is not expected to be back for the annual Gold-Blue spring game April 30.

HE DOESN’T APPRECIATE THE EARLY WAKEUP CALLS. VISIT OUR WEB SITE FOR BREAKING NEWS AS IT HAPPENS. WWW.THEDAONLINE.COM

LEANN ARTHUR/THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

WVU head football coach Bill Stewart talks with media after last season’s Marshall game about his love of Beyonce’s music.

Several West Virginia players were noticeably upset when learning of his decision.

Although it seemed like a tough call for Stewart, he stuck to what his gut instinct.

“Do you know how many people would like to be in a Beyonce video?” Stewart said. “This is simply an opportunity I can not pass up.”

The head coach announced the decision on his Twitter page Thursday.

Stewart hinted he would be back by next season’s opener on Sept. 4 against Coastal Carolina by saying, “I would never let my boys down and miss meaningful games.”

He also had a pleasant surprise for next year’s environment at Mountaineer Field.

Stewart said his team’s 7-0 home record last season influenced Beyonce to become a season ticket holder.

“We hope to show her just how

special playing in Morgantown truly is,” he said.

Stewart will receive approximately $75,000 for his appearance in the video.

January’s Gator Bowl loss to Florida State is said to not have been a factor in Stewart’s decision.

He becomes the first coach in school history to leave for a cameo in a video. Stewart is 19-8 in 27 games as head coach at West Virginia.

THE MORE YOU READ, THE MORE YOU KNOW

GREG CAREY SPORTS WRITER

THE DAILY ATHENAEUM

Invitation to apply for

Invitation to apply for

Invitation to apply for

Editor-In-Chief and Managing Editor

Summer Editor-In Chief and Summer Managing Editor

Student Business Manager

Daily Athenaeum Daily Athenaeum Daily Athenaeum (Paid Student Positions)

The West Virginia University Committee on Stud Student Publications is now soliciting applications for the positions of managing editor and editor-inchie chief of the Daily Athenaeum for the 2010-2011 school year. The editor-in-chief is responsible for scho the content of the newspaper. The managing editor is responsible for management of section editors.

Applicants must have a cumulative grade point average of 2.0 or better and must be a full-time fee paying student, but need not be a journalism major.

Both positions are paid and are expected to serve the total 2010-2011 school year. The selected editors aare expected to report duty by August 2, 2010, and w will also train and publish The Daily Athenaeum tthe last three weeks of the 2009-2010 school year.

Candidates may pick up application forms and job descriptions at The Daily Athenaeum business office. In addition to the application form, three supporting letters (at least one should be from someone other than a Daily Athenaeum employee) and six examples of work that illustrate qualifications sh should be submitted. Candidates are asked to read the sp specifi c responsibilities for the position they seek.

Co Completed forms must be typewritten and submitted to the Director at The Daily Athenaeum, 284 Prospect St by 5:00 p.m., March 26, 2010. Interviews will be St. co conducted by the Committee on Student Publications on April 6. A schedule of interview times and locations will be posted at The Daily Athenaeum.

(Paid Student Positions) The West Virginia University Committee on Publications is now soliciting applications for the positions of summer managing editor and summer editor-in-chief of The Daily Athenaeum for the summer terms 2010. The editorin-chief is responsible for content of the newspaper and the managing editor is responsible for management of section editors.

Applicants must have a cumulative grade point average of 2.0 or better and must be a full-time fee paying student, but need not be a journalism major. Both positions are paid and are expected to serve the total of the 2010 summer sessions.

The selected editors are expected to report for duty by May 10, 2010 and complete duties on August 4, 2010, and will train during the last three weeks of the 2010-2011 school year.

Candidates may pick up application forms and job descriptions at The Daily Athenaeum business office. In addition to the form, three supporting letters (at least one should be from someone other than a Daily Athenaeum employee) and six examples of work that illustrate qualifications should be submitted. Candidates are asked to read the specific responsibilities for the position they seek.

Completed forms must be typewritten and submitted to the Director at the Daily Athenaeum, 284 Prospect St. by 5:00 p.m., March 26, 2010. Interviews will be conducted on April 6. A schedule of interview times and location will be posted at The Daily Athenaeum.

For the Committee on Student Publications

For the Committee on Student Publications

Alan R. Waters, Director

Alan R. Waters, Director

The Daily Athenaeum

The Daily Athenaeum

284 Prospect St., Morgantown, WV

284 Prospect St., Morgantown, WV

The Daily Athenaeum is an Affirmative Action/Equal Opportunity Employer.

The Daily Athenaeum is an Affirmative Action/Equal Opportunity Employer.

Women and minority candidates are encouraged to apply.

Women and minority candidates are encouraged to apply.

(Paid Student Positions)

The West Virginia University Committee on Student Publications is now soliciting applications for the position of Business Manager of The Daily Athenaeum for the 2010-2011 school year. The Business Manger is responsible to the Full-time Director. The position helps recruit, train, and motivate the 14 members of the student sales staff.

The person in this position must possess a knowledge of newspaper production procedures, establish a working relationship with the production and editorial departments, and determine the size of the newspaper following guidelines prescribed by the Director.

Applicants must have a cumulative grade point average of 2.0 or better and must be a full-time fee paying student, but need not be a journalism major. The position is paid and is expected to serve the total 2010-2011 school year. The selected business manager is expected to report for duty by August 2, 2010, and will train during the last two weeks of the 2009-2010 school year.

Candidates may pick up application forms and job descriptions at The Daily Athenaeum business office.

In addition to the application form, three supporting letters (at least one should be from someone other than a Daily Athenaeum employee) and six examples of work that illustrate qualifications should be submitted.

Candidates are asked to read the specific responsibilities for the student business manager position.

Completed forms must be typewritten and submitted to the Director at The Daily Athenaeum, 284 Prospect St. by 5:00pm March 26, 2010. Interviews will be conducted by the Committee of Student Publications on April 6. A schedule of interview times and location will be posted at The Daily Athenaeum.

For the Committee on Student Publications

Alan R. Waters, Director

The Daily Athenaeum 284 Prospect St., Morgantown, WV The Daily Athenaeum is an Affirmative Action/Equal Opportunity Employer.

Women and minority candidates are encouraged to apply.

10

SPORTS

APRIL FOOL’S EDITION

CONTACT US 304-293-5092 ext. 2 | DASPORTS@mail.wvu.edu

‘SO ICEY’ J-FLOW LEAVES TEAM FOR TWITTER

Flowers will produce Bill Stewart’s upcoming music video

BY APRIL FURST ‘SO ICEY’ EDITOR

John Flowers quit the West Virginia men’s basketball team, head coach Bob Huggins announced Thursday in a press release.

Flowers, a reserve forward for the Mountaineers this season, said he wanted a career in social media. For that reason, he has developed ILoveWestVirginiaFansBecause Media Network by JFlow41.

Prior to the team’s NCAA Tournament second-round game against Missouri, Flowers produced four movies through social media site Twitter which have seen 103,464 hits combined.

“That’s more production than I’ve seen sitting behind Kobe aka Da’Sean (Butler),” Flowers said in a direct message on Twitter. “So I’ll join u in the media. It’s so icey, so icey. Burr. Burr. Burr.”

Flowers has already been in contract talks with Beyonce’s FILE PHOTO agent to produce her next video West Virginia junior John ‘J-Flow’ Flowers announced Thursday after the game he will be leaving the WVU men’s basketball team in favor of pro- “Leave No Doubt” with WVU ducing music videos on Twitter. head football coach Bill Stewart.

Flowers said he already had ideas for new TwitVids, including a men’s basketball team fashion show and a roast of Huggins.

“Jonnie (West) does a really good impression of Huggs,” Flowers said.

“He raises his arms really well like Huggs, and can make his face turn really red. We’re definitely going to take advantage of that.”

Huggins knew of the videos posted prior to the second round NCAA Tournament matchup with Missouri. He is disappointed losing a player like Flowers with such length that he adds to the defense.

“His length is his strength,” Huggins said, adding Flowers could be one of the best videographers in the country or even the world.

Huggins said he would take no part in Flowers’ videos prior to the Missouri game.

“It’s stupid. You didn’t see me in there celebrating about Kansas,” Huggins said. “But that’s because I was in my room with the coaches doing the exact same thing.”

Huggins added assistant coach

Billy Hahn has been working on his Irish jig to challenge Flowers in a dance off in April.

“It’s hard,” Huggins said about the ability to keep players on the team despite social media opportunities popping up like this.

“But, I have a great track record of getting people to the pros. Just add John to that list.”

Butler said he is unsure if he will forgo the 2010 NBA Draft to join Flowers in the social media venture. Jow Mazzulla and West have another year on the team and didn’t say whether they would like to come back in 2010-11.

Flowers’ rise to social media fame started prior to the Big East Conference Tournament when his tweets were filled with random photos of side ponytails and toddlers hiding in a grocery store.

After that, Flowers continued to tweet throughout the Big East Tournament, and the day after the team returned home he had a WVU fan

see TWITTER on PAGE 8

Turk’s homeland Parkersburg AWARD ‘GOING TO CAREY’S HEAD’

BY SANDY BEACHES SPORTS EDITOR

PARKERSBURG, W.VA. — Natives of Turkey can’t play basketball after all.

West Virginia men’s basketball forward Deniz Kilicli, who was originally said to be a native of Turkey, was actually born and raised in Parkersburg, W.Va., sources close to the 6-foot-9 freshman confirmed Thursday.

The lie was a “public relations scam” carried out by the University administration in order to draw attention to the team, said a University official.

Officials in Turkey were also involved in the deal as the country hoped to raise flag sales. The plan worked as sales have surged 23 percent since the start of West Virginia’s regular season.

The report was originally broken by a Parkersburg weekend sports anchor while interviewing West Virginia head football coach Bill Stewart.

West Virginia offensive lineman Josh Jenkins, also a native of Parkersburg, W.Va., confirmed the report Thursday.

“He used to go to Sunday school with me,” Jenkins said of Kilicli. “We were practically best friends. He’d come over, and we’d

play Super Mario all the time.”

Also involved in the plan was West Virginia women’s basketball center Natalie Burton and rifle’s Nicco Campriani, who were originally reported to be from Australia and Italy, respectively.

Burton’s birth certificate says her birthplace was in Westover, W.Va., while Campriani is a native of Flatwoods, W.Va. Burton was “relieved” to get the secret off her chest. Campriani declined to comment.

“I had to make up stupid lies,” Burton said. “I once told a reporter I used to ride kangaroos

see TURK on PAGE 8

Players, opponents say coach has become ‘arrogant, ridiculous’

BY CHIP MONK SPORTS EDITOR

Mike Carey doesn’t believe in ties.

Since the announcement was made that Carey will share the 2009 Big East Conference Coach of the Year award with Connecticut’s Geno Auriemma, the West Virginia head women’s basketball coach has made his displeasure known.

Multiple times this season, the ninth-year head coach has been seen during games expressing his anger over sharing the Big East Coach of the Year award by making obscene gestures in the direction of opposing coaches.

“I’m sick of it, and I’m tired of the Big East,” Carey said. “I took a team that didn’t belong anywhere near the top 25 and turned it into championship contender. I’d like to see Geno do that.”

Twice Carey was caught durAP ing the conference tournament motioning offensive signs in the West Virginia head coach Mike Carey pounds his chest in the direction of UConn head coach Geno Auriemma during the Mountaineers’ Big East Championship game against the Huskies March 9. see CAREY on PAGE 8

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