the other shoe
WHAT IS THE POINT IN BEING HAPPY NOW IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE SAD LATER?
WHAT’S THE POINT IN BEING HAPPY NOW IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE SAD LATER?
I’VE BEEN LIVING LIKE AN OPEN WOUND. I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE WHOLE.
I
FIVE PILLS A DAY
KEEPS THE PAIN AWAY
I WONDER IF HE’LL RUN WHEN I DUMP MY TRAUMA ON THE TABLE. HE SEES THE PILLS I TAKE EVERY MORNING. I TELL HIM I’M GETTING BETTER AND HE SAYS HE’S GLAD, BUT HE’S SEEN GLIMPSES – LAST WEEK HE BURNED THE SKIN OF MY ARM TRYING TO WAKE ME UP FROM A NIGHTMARE. SECOND BASE WILL BE HAVING A PANIC ATTACK IN FRONT OF HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME.
I WANT TO EXPERIENCE JOY WITHOUT THE TERROR OF WHAT COMES NEXT
IF I NAME THIS FEELING WILL IT BETRAY ME?
HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH THIS FEELING/I KNOW IT WILL GET BETTER BUT I KNOW IT WILL GET WORSE/I DON’T WANT TO FEEL THIS PAIN ANYMORE/ MOM WILL CRY BUT I WON’T BE THERE TO SEE IT SO/I DON’T THINK DAD WILL REALLY CARE/WHY DIDN’T THEY GET HELP FOR ME/I’VE READ THAT IT HURTS TO BECOME BUT IS IT WORTH THIS/THE GOOD HAS NOT OUTWEIGHED THE BAD IN YEARS/THEY TELL ME THINGS WILL CHANGE BUT I CANNOT WAIT FOREVER/THE LOWS COME AND GO BUT THEY FEEL LIKE ETERNITY EACH TIME/DOES STAYING ALIVE MAKE ME WEAK OR STRONG
I ONCE WOULD HAVE GIVEN ANYTHING TO FEEL NOTHING. TOLD MYSELF SURVIVAL WAS SUFFICIENT FOR YEARS AND NIGHTS. NOW SURVIVAL IS INSUFFICIENT. I’VE BECOME GREEDY. I’VE KNOWN HAPPINESS AND I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK.
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, WHY?
I DON’T KNOW, YOU’VE SEEMED KIND OF DOWN IT’S COMPARATIVE, YOU SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN SO HAPPY AND YOU HAVEN’T EVEN REALIZED HOW STRANGE TO FEEL THIS WAY
THE ANSWER IS, OF COURSE, BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO BE SAD LATER
dailyexistentialcrisis@gmail.com godsgonnaseemego.tumblr.com