the daily
halfasskan tuesday, april 1, 2014
volume 113, issue 123
The Daily Halfasskan first printed April 1, 1975. The editorial content of the Daily Halfasskan is meant for entertainment purposes only and should by no means be taken seriously. Any use of similarities to real people or events, save for public figures and events, are accidental and purely coincidental.
Print DN finally finds use as bird’s nest, cat litter Damn, I guess the print DN really is important. If I’d known it was so significant to the survival of campus wildlife, I would’ve voted yes for the DN’s fees...”
Miles Rothlisberger daily Halfasskan Print readership of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s Daily Nebraskan continues to decline. But some members of the UNL community claim the print DN has only recently found its true value to campus. A March print issue of the DN has provided shelter for a local robin, an anonymous bird watcher told the Daily Halfasskan on Monday. The robin’s DN nest was discovered in a tree on the south side of the Nebraska Union. Many students took notice. “Huh, that’s kinda neat,” said an obviously impressed Leon Styles, a junior business major. “That bird has little bits of newspaper in its nest. Cool.” The robin, who humbly refused to give its name or the reason why it suddenly decided to use the DN for its nest to reporters, has repeatedly used remnants of the DN’s news, arts & life and sports pages to construct a weather-proof and quirky college news-centered home for its brood. At press time, the robin searched for pieces of the opinion section to add support to the nest and to possibly educate its young about rising student fees and racism on campus. Hailey Konnath, the DN’s editor-in-chief and a senior global studies and journalism major, speculated that the newspapers the robin used for its nest may have blown straight out of the DN’s newsroom or were thrown into the union’s lawn by students who didn’t mean to pick up a DN in the first place. “No, I don’t think this is an indication that more actual UNL students are picking up the print paper on purpose,” Konnath said. But the potency of print editions of the DN does not stop at sustaining and informing the developing lives of small birds. During spring
rosie carpenter
sophomore political science major
jake greve | dn
The print edition of the Daily Nebraskan recently found a new, some say more important purpopse: as construction material for campus birds’ nests and cat litter for the UNL feral cat population. The DN plans to tailor its content to appeal to this new demographic. break, pages upon pages of the newspaper were also successfully used as litter for UNL’s feral cat community. Absorbent as well as informing, the DN gives UNL’s fe-
lines hard-hitting journalism while standing strong in the face of defecation. When asked for her thoughts, local tortoiseshell tabby cat, nick-
named “Cuddlethorp” by a number of students, refrained from speaking to reporters. But her purring while lying on a November issue of the DN suggests her satisfaction
with the print newspaper. “Damn, I guess the print DN really is important,” said Rosie Carpenter, a sophomore political science major. “If I’d known it was
so significant to the survival of campus wildlife, I would’ve voted yes for the DN’s fees in the student government election.” DN leadership has taken notice of this newly visible print demographic on campus. Konnath said the newspaper would be tailoring its print content to appeal to those who find a use for the physical newspapers. “It is certainly important to keep in mind the needs of the print readership, whoever that readership may be,” Konnath said. “To relate more with birds, for example, we’ll need to start keeping track of the net growth of earthworms and the decay of discarded Amigos tacos on campus. For cats, we’ll need stories pertaining to innovations in scratching post technology or advocating for compensation after meme publication.” Konnath also said that once the print version of the DN is inevitably discovered to be wonderful kindling for fires to warm the homeless, the DN will need to “up our game even more.” news@ dailyhalfasskan.com
PIES WE’D RATHER EAT THAN SUBWAY PIZZA EXPRESS Subway Pizza Express recently moved into the Nebraska Union. The restaurant offers students a perfectly edible pizza option and features good service. But it seems some may prefer their pies not be made with ingredients eerily similar to ones used in Subway sandwiches. The Daily Halfasskan asked students, which pie do you prefer?
Go Big Red Blood Pie Who is President Milliken? Pie
Blueberry Pie Rhubarb Pie
Goodbye President Milliken We’ll Miss You Pie
Ham Pie Shepherd’s Pie
Harvey Perlman’s State of the University Pie
Gravel Pie
matt masin | dn
UNL to cut all academics, put focus on athletics Hailey Konnath Daily Halfasskan When junior computer science major Colin Johnson first came to the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, he never expected his program would one day be cut. “I was offered a full-ride scholarship and room and board with the (Jeffrey S. Raikes School of Computer Science and Management),” he said. “I assumed an investment in me like that meant the university valued me and my skill set. I was wrong.” Johnson’s area of study, and all areas of study, will be cut at the end of the spring semester, and the university will focus on athletics. The sweeping cuts are a part of a new plan for UNL to balance its budget, which was unveiled by UNL Chancellor Harvey Perlman in his latest “Perls of Knowledge” video Monday evening. “With this tough economic climate and a government leery of funding higher education, I truly believe this is the way to go,” Perlman told the Daily Halfasskan in an email Monday evening. “Academics and research are just not bringing in the money we need to keep this institution afloat. Athletics is.” Perlman’s “Perls of Knowledge” video shows the chancellor dancing to Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop” in different places around campus: the Lied Center for Performing Arts’ main stage, the planetarium in Morrill Hall, a lab in Othmer Hall and on top of a stack of papers on an
annoyed-looking Vice Chancellor for Research & Economic Development Prem Paul’s desk. The music fades, and Perlman is on the roof of Oldfather Hall, pointing to various buildings around campus and saying, “cut.” He then whirls around and points to Memorial Stadium. “Keep,” he whispers. The music starts back up, and Perlman is rolling on the turf in Memorial Stadium. Words flash across the screen. “Hey #UNL! We gonna focus on #sports from now on. Everything else is #canceled #forever. Party on!” Lied Center Executive Director Bill Stephan called the video “appalling.” “It’s one thing to announce major budget cuts that will put most of your faculty and staff out of work,” he said. “It’s another to announce it via a YouTube video involving Miley Cyrus and hashtags.” UNL news director Steve Smith said the video was designed to reach students and potential students who no longer have the attention spans for a press conference or formal address. “I loved the video,” said Stephanie Sanderson, a freshman biology major. “It was so fun.” A Daily Halfasskan survey of 25 percent of UNL undergraduate and graduate students showed a whopping 90 percent of students watched the video but didn’t realize it meant their departments were being eliminated.
perlman: see page 2
Humble Pie
Bugeater Pie
Mother’s Blood Pie Pine Bark Pie
Fingers ‘n’ Toes Pie
What’s-That-Chunk Pie
Cross My Heart and Hope to Pie
Lucy in the Pie With Diamonds
Cream Pie Gasoline Pie
The Number Pi
Ol’ Pumpkin Pie
Windows Vista Pie Dinosaur Fossil Pie Big Sean Pie Cap’n Crunch OOPS! All Berries Pie
Rusty Nail Pie Cherry Pie
Fans can’t wait to pressure Miles Tyler Keown Daily Halfasskan Pointing to an appearance in the NCAA Tournament and multiple wins against top-10 teams this season, Husker fans are reportedly excited to hold Tim Miles and the Nebraska men’s basketball team to an impossible standard for the first time next season and for many years to come. The frenzied Husker fans, notorious for jumping to quick conclu-
sions and demanding perfection, said they’re “pumped” to have something to care about while football is absent. “It’s always felt like we’re hibernating from January to August,” said Mark Stanberg, who graduated from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln in 1987. “It’s always a really uncomfortable time. We can nitpick recruits and whatever, but that’s not the same. “Now we have something we can get angry about almost year-round.”
Dan Kaiser, who attended the university from 1992 to 1995 and has a Husker football blog titled “Cornhub,” said statistics will easily allow fans to expect entirely too much of the basketball team. “Look at who was in the Elite Eight this year,” Kaiser said. “Wisconsin, Michigan and Michigan State, the three teams that finished in front of us in the Big Ten. That technically makes us the ninth best team in the country.” The team, which lost handily to
Baylor in the second round of the tournament 74-60, is projected by Kaiser to pick up at least a share of the regular season Big Ten title, win the Big Ten tournament and make it to the Final Four as a 1-seed next season. “Anything less will be considered a failure and will prove the Pinnacle Bank Arena wasn’t worth building,” he said. “Also, I expect coach (Miles) to hit the gym more
men’s bball: see page 2