April 01, 2015

NIC evacuated due to sewage bust, Page 4

Hot Hot Hot! Lincoln band makes waves in music scene, page 7

Taylor Martinez house sale intercepted, Page 12

HALFASSKANER

Volume 114, Issue 051

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015

2 | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015

DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM

DISCLAIMER: HAPPY APRIL FOOLS’ DAY! WE NOW PRESENT TO YOU THE FIRST-EVER HALFASSKANER, A JOINT EFFORT OF THE DAILY NEBRASKAN AND THE DAILYER. ALL EDITORIAL CONTENT IN THIS ISSUE IS SATIRICAL AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN AS FACT.

LETTERS FROM THE EDITORS

Dear readers, It has been a strange week.

It was a dark and stormy editing night. The Daily Nebraskan staff members were huddled around their electronic Gods, eyes agog at the wonders of .psd and .doc files. But something was brewing that would shake them from their stupor.

DailyER editor Colin Loberg had crossed the threshold that divided satire and news. Maybe it was a mistake; maybe it wasn’t. Few witnesses remain to parse fact from fiction. What survivors can agree upon is that Colin thundered toward the News section, a new balloon in hand. Colin had just discovered static electricity and was going to use his balloon to muss up the hair of the underpaid drones.

Mere steps away, Daily Nebraskan editor-in-chief Jacy Marmaduke was finishing another editor’s note. Finally, this would be the note that would win her the inaugural Collegiate Paper Editor’s Note Pulitzer. And she was having a perfect hair day.

The two editors, unbeknownst participants in the cruel dance of the cosmos, walked toward one another, colliding near the printers and enveloping the room in a surge of energy. The managing editor sprinted from his desk, but it was too late to halt the gruesome effects of static-induced transmogrification.

“My Lord, do you know what you have done? You’ve crossed the papers!” he lamented to the heavens.

The editor that emerged from the sparking sludge walked

slowly but gained confidence as it approached the combined staffs. Neither Jacy nor Colin, the editor-creature turned its un caring eyes to the congregation and bellowed its first decree:

“WE FINISH THE ISSUE... TOGEthER” Sincerely, Jolin Glaurenn Larmaduke FRONT PAGE ART BY JACOB BOLTE | DN

DAILY NEBRASKAN FOUNDED IN 1901, THE DAILY NEBRASKAN IS THE UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA–LINCOLN’S ONLY INDEPENDENT DAILY NEWSPAPER WRITTEN, EDITED AND PRODUCED ENTIRELY BY UNL STUDENTS. GENERAL INFORMATION The Daily Nebraskan is published by the UNL Publications Board, 20 Nebraska Union, 1400 R St., Lincoln, NE 68588-0448. The board holds public meetings monthly.

COPYRIGHT 2015 DAILY NEBRASKAN

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MANAGING EDITOR ONLINE NEWS EDITOR PRINT NEWS EDITOR OPINION EDITOR ASSISTANT OPINION EDITOR SENIOR ARTS EDITOR ONLINE ARTS EDITOR PRINT ARTS EDITOR SENIOR SPORTS EDITOR ONLINE SPORTS EDITOR PRINT SPORTS EDITOR COPY CHIEF DESIGN CHIEF PHOTO EDITOR ART DIRECTOR ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR WEB EDITOR

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Franco extinguishes 11th racial fire, setting a record FERRIS THE DIEKE HA

Flames of racial hatred erupted in the Nebraska Union cafeteria on Tuesday when a student left unattended the searing ignorance of his small brain, sending a wave of vitriol rushing through the musty Subway air.

But Chancellor Harvey Perlman knew exactly what to do.

“Juan,” he said, turning to Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs Juan Franco. “There’s been another incident.”

Franco, used to this kind of thing, suited up.

It was the 11th time something racist happened at UNL this year, and the 11th time Franco has been dispatched for this exact purpose. Franco, who is not completely white, went through his usual ritual.

Wearing a completely flammable polyester jacket, Franco climbed into an imaginary firetruck and raised his arms, waving them in a windmill motion as he glided from the Canfield Administrative Building to the union.

The vice chancellor made high-pitched siren noises the entire way.

Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as he climbed out of his imaginary truck. The four-alarm racial blaze was quickly spreading, the heat of the exchange threatening to ignite a campus-wide firestorm.

With adrenaline pumping, Franco sprinted toward the door, ready to kick it open. But it wouldn’t budge. It was a revolving door.

Franco, who has experience doing this, then made a critical decision.

The vice chancellor employed a signature ability: persuasion.

“As a university community, we do not tolerate these kinds of behaviors,” Franco told the door.

The door listened, opening promptly.

Once inside, Franco observed a wall of racial flames racing through the crevices of the union. He knew exactly which flameretardant substance he would employ then: podium.

Franco, who has experience with this sort of thing, clunkily strung together the phrases “not here, not now, not ever” along with other assorted moralistic platitudes in a wholly uninspired speech he appeared to have delivered before.

Because he had.

Nonetheless, Franco tempered the flames of hatred, feeling he had extinguished racism once and for all on the University of Nebraska-Lincoln campus and even in the world. Approximately 16 minutes later, his cell phone buzzed.

“It’s Harvey,” said the voice on the other line. “You still in the truck?”

NEWS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

ART BY LYDIA COTTON | HA

Innocents definitely not cover-up for Perlman cult MILES ROTHLISBERGER HA In the light of the crescent moon and the torches, the red and black robes of the Innocents Society members gently turned bloody and abysmal.

The congregation gathered eager and ready in the Nebraska Union’s greenspace.

The equinox of the night.

Simultaneously, the members lowered their torches and lit the pile of B-minus Honors thesis papers and plebeian non-Honors papers. The resulting flame illuminated the group with a furious golden light. Finally, as an offering, one member threw her Dean’s List recognition letter, signed by the Holy Harvey, into the flames to be forgotten.

It had begun.

“Nah, I mean, most of this stuff is smoke and mirrors,” an Innocents member said as the monkish chanting intensified. The member wanted to be anonymous for undisclosed reasons (rumor has it Harvey’s wrath is especially fiery when he’s disobeyed). “We’re just a typical honor society, really.”

As the chanting Innocents members donned

their cutout Harvey Perlman mask, they began to sway. Then, a member brought forth a torn and suspiciously wet banner bearing Perlman’s insignia – the Husker “N,” a flaming corn cob and a sword, all blood red. The shadows danced as the members rocked the banner slowly back and forth.

“We like to get wild and silly, sometimes,” said the banner wielder, also anonymous, over the sound of a suspiciously red-stone altar being moved in front of the bonfire. “It gets crazy, sometimes. But good ol’ H.P.seems to be, like, amused by us. I guess he likes to see his honor societies study hard and have fun (making sacrificial rituals), too.”

To finish the “completely harmless little bit of wackiness,” the Innocents leader said, the group would then hunt for candidates to tackle while covered in “a tiny bit” of barbed wire.

“It’s all to build an image for ourselves,” the Innocents leader said, his voice dulled by his hollowed out Lil’ Red head. “And to gain Harvey’s lov – I mean, to get his sense of humor pumping.”

NEWS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

PHOTO BY TYLER MEYER | HA

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 | 5

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Rotting corpse in ceiling still hasn’t paid tuition FAIZ SIDDIQUI HA

ART BY HAYLEY HEESACKER | HA

Using sewage to heat NIC works out exactly the way you’d expect DOROTHY LYNCH HA An unexpected malfunction Tuesday morning has soiled the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s sustainability image – literally.

At the world-renowned Nebraska Innovation Campus, the university uses its Central Renewable Energy System Plant to convert filtered wastewater into heating and cooling energy for its buildings.

But a technical glitch at the Theresa Street Wastewater Treatment Facility, which first purifies Lincoln’s sewer water before passing it on to the NIC plant, resulted in the evacuation of Innovation Campus at about 9:30 a.m.

Tuesday.

The Halfasskaner retrieved footage of the evacuation, which shows students and staff frantically pouring into the streets surrounding the campus as waves of brown effluent stream from sewer grates and building entrances across campus.

“I was just refilling my Evian under one of those new fountains that pour water for you, and then I see this dark liquid coming out of the faucet,” said Penny Proud, a freshman agricultural engineering major. “Then the freaking fountain literally falls off the wall and a bunch of shit, freaking shit, comes pouring out. This is not what I expect from a top-tier college in sustainability research. I want my money back.”

UNL Police Sgt. Dave Dibelka said about 12 students had to be rescued from various

buildings after fainting from the incredulous odor emitted from the vents. If anyone could find happiness during this catastrophe, it was the staff of the University Health Center, which saw a 45 percent increase in students who finally decided to use their free diagnosis at the medical clinic.

“Of course many of the students and staff had unnecessarily come to us out of fear they had received an infection,” UHC Director Dr. James Guest said. “But we’re always happy to help, and it was nice to see so many students in the center at once.”

NIC has been shut down, and UNL News Director Steve Smith could not comment on when the campus will reopen. Many of the newly built research labs and electrical equipment sustained severe water damage. It will likely take weeks for UNL Facilities Maintenance and Operations to clean up the mess, Smith said.

Chancellor Harvey Perlman referred to the issue as a “non-story” and said he doesn’t believe the blunder will affect his goal of reaching 30,000 students by 2020.

“Mistakes happen,” Perlman said. “Rather than crying over spilled sewage, everyone should know that we are 100 percent committed to Innovation Campus and to sustainability. This minor setback simply shows our drive to help students succeed as well as our ability to overcome adversity.”

NEWS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

The corpse rotting in tiles 3-C through 3-F of the Nebraska Union basement still owes the university $16,782, the university bursar reported Tuesday.

“And that doesn’t even include room and board,” a bursar employee added, displaying not even a single shred of human empathy.

Administrators said Tuesday the body has no business taking up residence in the union, a public space intended for the use of sentient human beings – “preferably those who pay tuition,” laughed UNL News Director Steve Smith. The body, relatively unimportant except that it has caused the university thousands of dollars of financial strain, was adorned in tan-colored cargo shorts and a tattered graphic T-shirt when it was found by a custodial worker last month.

Halfasskaner staffers confirmed in early March that the corpse did not belong to a Halfasskaner employee, as was believed early on.

Staffers have a tendency to nap in the newsroom, but they have never been known to die spontaneously while there, then slowly de-

compose in the ceiling tiles above.

“But I guess there’s a first time for everything,” one former editor said, laughing maniacally over the phone.

The Halfasskaner confirmed the body’s outstanding balance after a letter was found hanging between tiles 3-C and 3-D (approximate location: lower neck) of the union basement. The unexposed half of the letter was dripping with blood.

“It has come to our attention that you have been residing illegally in the Nebraska Union for the past several weeks,” read the letter addressed to the body, which was referred to only as “Freeloader.” “With your tuition being in arrears, we demand that you take up the matter of your university bill immediately or face dismissal.”

The letter outlined a variety of payment options, including an electronic check and all major credit cards – except Visa, a credit card the body likely possessed. The letter, red with blood, informed the body it could pay its outstanding bill on MyRed. The body, still decayed and decomposing in the ceiling at press time, was unavailable for an interview.

NEWS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

Shartman smears DN MARTHA MALONE HA

tion.” He also has a miniature copy of the Constitution in one of the front pockets of his backpack, although at press time he wasn’t sure if it was in the mesh pocket or the zipper one.

ASUN Sen. Spencer Hartman doesn’t like the “But there’s definitely a line in there about Daily Nebraskan – and he’s not afraid to raise a how Americans should be free from reading, lisstink about it. tening to or even catchThe elected represening wind of speech they tative, whom constituents don’t agree with,” ShartWait, he goes by have dubbed “Shartman” said. in a clever combination Shartman? Does he manShartman called the of his first and last name, DN a “not-so-silent but has some explosive rev- realize what that sounds very deadly” offender of elations to share about the like?” the Constitution. He has University of Nebraskawritten three strongly Lincoln’s student-run BEN CURTTRIGHT worded Facebook stanewspaper. the man who started it all tuses in support of a “I read an opinion new policy barring DN article the other day, and reporters from attending I didn’t agree with it,” he argued at an ASUN ASUN meetings and activities. meeting last week.

The senator is planning a fight to the finThe article in question bore the headline “CURTTRIGHT: Soccer to outshine football ish among reporters from the New York Times, Washington Post and USA Today in search of a craze.” Shartman, an avid American football fan, lucky new publication to take on the responsibilis speaking out against the controversial opinion, ity of caring about UNL’s student government. calling it “slander.”

Curttright’s article took a definitive pro-soc- No one has responded to his emails thus far, but he remains optimistic. cer stance, asking the reader hard-hitting quesCurttright, for his part, expressed regret for tions such as, “Did you know that Kansas City having written the article that inspired Sharthas a soccer team?”

“I believe in freedom of speech, but this col- man’s smear campaign.

“Wait, he goes by Shartman?” Curttright umn took it way too far,” Shartman said. said. “Does he realize what that sounds like?”

Shartman is a well-known crusader for the NEWS@ First Amendment. Last semester, he took a politiHALFASSKANER.COM cal science class called “The American Constitu-

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DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM

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ARTS

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM

Wet Slaps hit Lincoln’s music scene with resounding smack DANIEL LINDSAY HA

The Wet Slaps are making waves in the Lincoln music scene with their bold sound and brash ‘tude.

Earlier this week we spoke to guitarist and lead singer Motocross Jones about the band’s plans for touring, the Lincoln music scene and favorite shows.

The Halfasskaner: Lincoln’s been buzzing about your new album “Live from PepperJax Grill.” How has your sound evolved since your last album?

The Wet Slaps: The new album is really aimed at our core demographic … people who just came into the bar to use the bathroom. That was the inspiration for songs such as “Do I Have to Buy a Drink to Use the Bathroom” and “Shittin’ (In the Bathroom).”

HA: What’s it like being in a band with such a heavy touring schedule?

TWS: It’s hard lugging our equipment from bar to bar in downtown Lincoln.

HA: We heard you guys turned down a headlining slot at Lollapalooza this year. What’s your reasoning behind this choice?

TWS: We decided against it because it would probably be way too hot outside, and our pale postrock skin is extremely sensitive.

HA: All the members of The Wet Slaps are involved in a number of other projects. Can you tell us what else you’ve been working on?

TWS: My time is equally devoted to the Wet Slaps and my side project, QuickSquat. I’m an ex-

tremely prolific musician. I came up with like three songs since we started talking. I call them “Damn, I’m Being Interviewed By a Sexy Lady,” “My Kind of Gal (Hot Interviewer)” and “I Want to Bang This Interviewer.”

HA: Tell us a little about your experience with Lincoln’s music scene.

TWS: Lincoln’s music scene is the only good one in the world because it’s the only one where they let us play. If you went to another city, all you’d hear is total lamers saying “The Wet Slaps? I’ve never seen them, and I’m extremely reluctant to, given the name.” We’re not a Nashville or Chicago kind of band. It’s all about the community here in Lincoln and being a part of the family is something I wouldn’t trade for anything, except for maybe at least $1,000.

HA: Can you tell us the origin of the band’s name?

TWS: On our original demo tape we couldn’t afford a drum kit, so our drummer soaked himself in water overnight and slapped his damp thighs while the rest of the band layered walls of guitar feedback behind it. Though we’ve since left that innovative sound behind us, the name has stuck with us.

HA: What’s the best show you guys have played?

TWS: Man, the sickest show we ever got was at Vega a few months ago. We weren’t the main act or anything; we weren’t even on the bill actually. But we put on a competing show on the other side of the venue during the middle 15 minutes of the opening act. It got some pretty good feedback

PHOTO BY LINDSEY YONEDA | HA from the crowd. One guy yelled something at us; I didn’t know what it was, but I was pretty sure he was into it.

HA: What’s the future of The Wet Slaps look-

ing like?

TWS: Bleak.

ARTS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

CAMPUS STYLE

STEVIE ADLER SOPHOMORE BIOCHEMISTRY MAJOR We love great style here at the Halfasskaner. That’s why this year, we’ll be scouting out the best-dressed students on campus to feature in our very first weekly street style section. We plan on featuring all interesting styles found on the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s campus.

Whether it’s a stylish sorority girl or a man wearing a Scooby-

Doo costume on campus, we’re looking for the best and most unique fashion on campus. So to all you trendsetters out there, your next outfit might be printed right here in the Halfasskaner: Shirt: Made of Daily Nebraskans Pants: Made of Daily Nebraskans

Oh, this old thing? I don’t know, I just wear what looks good.”

-COMPILED BY DANIEL LINDSAY

PHOTO BY JAKE CRANDALL | HA

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UNL artist names busty anime characters his calling MILES ROTHLISBERGER HA Sketching with the steadiness of a seasoned professional, Conrad “Uber-Otaku” Jacobson crafted the graceful bust of his latest character.

Jacobson, a junior art and graphic design major, observed the traditional D-cup size breasts on the body of the 18-year-old bugeyed brunette for minutes, licking his lips under the patchy beard. Then, with a crack of his dry knuckles and an adjustment of his vintage trilby, he edited the rough edges to increase voluptuousness.

He leaned back, his La Blue Girl graphic T-shirt glimmering in the dim apartment lamplight. Jacobson was satisfied.

“You have to be delicate with the circumference of the breasts, my friend,” Jacobson said as his pencil went south, outlining the ample thigh gap and crotch. “The beauty lies in the minor details.”

While other “uncultured” artists draw “lame-ass Western images,” as Jacobson put it, he devotes himself to the creation of superior Hentai, or Japanese cartoon pornography.

His passion for anime-styled pornography started at the age of 15, when he discovered a well-crafted parody of Dragon-Ball Z after googling “hot anime action scenes” and accidentally adding three x’s at the end.

Since that fateful day on his father ’s work computer, Jacobson has delved into the multifaceted culture of Hentai, studiously watching hours of censored and uncensored videos

of busty witches or tentacle squid-aliens. At the start of his freshman year of college, he began to draw his own masterpieces. Soon after, he switched his major from engineering to art and graphic design.

“I realized that the Hentai was my calling, and I was predestined to give people what they wanted,” Jacobson said. “I am bound by my destiny, just as my character Lily-San is before she’s plowed lovingly by the pandemic response team.”

Jacobson has already made a name for himself, according to his friend, parents, authorities and the artist himself. Known for his use of “unique pubic hair design” and “unabashed/untraditional lack of censorship,” said friend Hal Kimmel, he has separated himself from other artists.

“That man deserves a medal,” Kimmel loudly shouted through his locked apartment door, the sound of Japanese background music gently escaping through the cracks.

While he believes he receives moderate public recognition, Jacobson said everyone’s general ignorance of Hentai as an art – let alone the ignorance of respectable genres of Hentai such as futanari and loli – still shocks him. Thus, he said, he will continue to draw gorgeously disproportionate school girls and angels to introduce the world to the art of Hentai.

“It’s not a matter of whether or not Hentai is an art,” Jacobson said. “It’s a matter of people realizing that it has and always will be art. Especially if it’s uncensored.”

ARTS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

ART BY CONRAD JACOBSON | HA

Student stands up to professor...guess what happens next CHRIS BOWLING HA Derin Phillips, an economics professor at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, was already turning to the third slide of his Monday lecture when sophomore Jake Cornwell walked into class.

As the established bad boy of the 11:30 a.m. lecture, classmates said Cornwell didn’t look nervous as he took his seat in the back of the class.

“Well, Mr. Cornwell,” Phillips said as he leaned over his desk. “You’re late again.”

Cornwell unzipped his hoodie, leaned back and propped his feet up on the desk in front of him.

“Sorry, teach. I’m a busy man,” Cornwell said.

“In fact, hope you don’t mind if I catch some shut eye back here.”

“Wow,” thought everyone in the room. “That is so Jake.’”

The class broke into a small din after Cornwell’s comment. Phillips ripped off his glasses in a burst of rage. Cornwell was late to every class and consistently failed the quizzes he bothered to show up to take. He was tired of the cool guy façade and decided it was time to bring him down a notch.

“Actually, I do mind,” Phillips said. “Why don’t you explain to the class why you think you’re above our attendance policy. Come on, tough guy.”

A hush fell over the class. Cornwell slid his shoes off the desk.

“You know what, Mr. Phillips?” Cornwell said,

as he climbed on top of his chair. “There is something I want to share with the class.”

He dropped his sunglasses to the ground and gripped the seams of his Fox Racing T-shirt as his body began to convulse. Freshman Cassidy Jones was sitting in front of him as the tentacles burst from beneath his fingernails.

“His burning white eyes fell on me, and everything got quiet,” Jones said from the back of an ambulance. “I heard them. I heard the ragged screams pour from my mouth, burning like molten gold.”

Cornwell, who some mythologists have speculated revealed his true form, The Ancient One, flew to the front of the class on skeletal wings. His skin began to burn as he clutched his ignorant economics teacher.

The screaming subsided for a moment, Jones said, as she caught a glimpse of Cornwell, now in his true form, towering above Phillips before he lifted him into the air.

According to Jones, a worm hole then opened out of his bleeding mouth. Phillips’ eyes stretched open with fear, but Cornwell sucked him into the eternal prison before he could emit a scream. With his bidding complete, Cornwell then dropped to his knees and exploded into a blinding white light before disappearing into the nether.

Cornwell’s continuing status as a student at the university is under review.

ARTS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

PHOTO BY TYLER MEYER | HA

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 | 9

DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM

ART BY HALEY HEESACKER | HA

Homer reviews The Odyssey online paper ORIGINAL TEXT BY HOMER, TRANSLATED FROM ANCIENT GREEK BY DANIEL LINDSAY HA Sing through me, oh Muse, of that very esteemed paper, which peddles its trade in matters of Greek interest and the distant rows of many-letter’d houses where the hands of brothers and sisters grasp the hidden knowledge clad in its hallowed tomes.

Many are the Yellowcard concert previews and top Valentine’s Day movies with which it is acquainted, granted as such to our mortal hearing from the mouths of its ever-watchful and wise oracles.

On a far-flung hillside away from home, bright tears were shed by Greek maidens upon the arrival of The Odyssey Newspaper, bearing news of the 20 most grievous of iPhone autocorrect fails dealt by the hands of the all-knowing gods. Heavy were their spirits for many months, their lamentations traveling down the valley to the heavens.

In that valley gathered a host of Sperry-clad warriors, their snapbacks glimmering in the dawn light. The gather’d chorus chanted with

bloodlust, reading in The Odyssey of the 6 most injurious insults hurled against their kind by ignorant, god damn independents. Those gathered took up arms and rose up in great numbers.

So sure were they in their victory, yet so close at hand was the doom that the gods had ordained them. Over the hill waited that most dreadful of mortal foes – the five types of people that you see at the rec. On this most terrible of fate-touched nights, the Greek students were doomed to fail, turned back toward their houses with a dreadful wailing.

Never have mortal men observed events of this significance since the dread night many years ago, when a brother’s bright anger, ignited in his breast by flint of cold Natty Ice, drove him to haze the humble pledge and shatter the thrice-bless’d beer pong table. Blinded, he visited his wrath upon the houses of his enemies.

Hear now the voice of the ancient bard, which brings word to my ear of the top 10 relationship deal breakers. Thus, then, shall all mortal beings celebrate the bi-weekly publication of The Odyssey, bearing as it does eternal knowledge which outlasts man in his swift journey to Hades.

ARTS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

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10

OPINION

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM

PERLMAN: Please, listen.

I’m not upset, just disappointed.

H

Sure, we haven’t met the goals. I’m an experienced and successful attorney; I have never made pretenses of being Nostradamus. Please don’t lampoon me for it.

I feel the same about the student body’s derision towards my “Perls of Wisdom” web series. It wasn’t a flawless ad camto do so. paign. But darn it, I was proud of those I’m not a perfect man. This I recvideos. It wasn’t Mary Tyler Moore or ognize. But The DailyER has been MASH but it was me, Harvey. I had deadset on never letting me forget fun and some high schoolers thought it this. The satirical paper mined sevmade UNL’s chancellor seem inviting. eral years of headlines about my I hope my – in your words – “stupid, 30,000 undergraduate goal: “Harvey pandering” video brought them to NePerlman Sets Goal of 30 Students braska. I hope they enjoy the school. I Smiling by Today,” “Harvey Perlknow I do, every day I do. man cutting students in half to get I am not my degrees; I am not my to 30,000 enrolled,” etc, etc … we all job title. I am a man. I am a caring huslaughed when we saw them. But by PERLMAN band and proud father. the time my secretary showed me the I am human, and I need to be loved, latest pointed headline, well, let’s just just like everybody else. say my mouth was laughing but my eyes weren’t.

HARVEY PERLMAN IS THE CHANCELLOR I love the student body. I want the university to OF THE UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA - LINCOLN. prosper and match (nay, exceed!) our Big Ten peers.

AND HE IS SO VERY TIRED. Maybe I was a little overzealous when I set the “30,000 by 2020” goal. But who can blame me? I was eager to succeed. ello, it’s me, your chancellor.

I rarely get a chance to speak so directly to the student body, and I just wanted to clarify a few things.

I found The HalfasskanER to be the obvious vehicle

I

PRESTON: Agree with me, dummy

gnore the opinion header at the top of the page. What you’re about to read is as much fact as two and two making four.

Everyone needs to agree with my opinion, in this piece or on any other platform.

The power granted to me by writing in this section means you can’t disagree with me … ever.

Taking this a step further, not only is my opinion correct, but it also deserves your respect.

Do you know anything about the qualifications required to have an opinion piece published? In a collegiate newspaper, no less.

Only the best­-established, carefully-thoughtover opinions can pass the merciless hacking by my editor, including this piece.

Because of the prestige of this process, my opinion deserves respect.

Articles such as these are so important there’s an entire student fee dedicated to their publishing.

While those jerks over at The DailyER have to struggle every year to scrape together a few thousand dollars, everyone in ASUN loves what I write. They automatically renew funding every year.

My power doesn’t stop here, though. What

are some of the greatest ideas in history without the people behind them? What if that apple had fallen onto some idiot’s head instead of Newton’s?

I deserve your respect for spending hour after hour on opinion pieces such as this one.

Somehow, I manage to tactfully explain my take on current events, while keeping up my busy schedule of taking four classes and thinking about work twice a week.

You might have caught my brilliant piece “College is too expensive.” It was a hot take, but I felt like I had what it took to slam that one out.

I’m a student, I can write, and I can count.

That one was a no­-brainer.

The respect I deserved followed, including all five likes on the paper’s Facebook page.

Readers might be expecting me, here, at the end of my article, to explain to them what they could do if they disagree with me.

Guess what, that’s not an option. I’m right, and that’s the end of that.

DREW PRESTON IS A BRILLIANTLY GIFTED HALFASSKANER WRITER. REACH HIM AT OPINION@ HALFASSKANER.COM.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY BEN CURTTRIGHT | HA

NOLD: I’m the ghost who judges the most

O

ver the past few years, I have noticed things on UNL’s campus have not been progressing as they should be. However, since I am now a ghost and not technically enrolled at the university, I have been unable to respond to critics until now.

What critics, you might ask? I am referring to people, such as Molly M. of CollegeCandy, who, for some reason, don’t understand what I was trying to say about the total lack of pants UNL’s fine ladies are still wearing on campus.

The fact of the matter is, despite my newfound ghostly nature, I cannot sit by while my former colleagues and copatrons continue to flaunt their fleshy legs in these blasted leggings.

First off, I want to iterate, I have not changed my mind on this. I am a “leg ghost.”

Come on! When I see a living girl with leggings, I can see every corporeal curve, from the slope of the human calf muscle to the rise in the hump that we like to call the lovely lady lump. For those of you with fine, nonghostly legs, I must say, I don’t mind looking.

They truly remind me of the time when I was a student and not a ghost.

However, for those ladies whose strong point is not their legs, well, who’s really haunting whom? For you unfortunate souls,

living or otherwise, please lose the leggings.

I know what you might be thinking.

“Ghost Zach, shouldn’t it be your responsibility to stop judging women based on their appearances? Isn’t it possible that women are making the choice to wear leggings as pants out of a desire for personal comfort irrespective of what men may think? Also, how are you writing this editorial if you are a ghost?!

Is there really such a thing as an afterlife?”

I would respond to those questions in the following manners respective to them.

Putting that responsibility on me, a simple ghost, is just another example of feminists overreaching in their goals to control men both physically and spiritually. If this isn’t convincing enough for you ladies, let me ask you a question: How would you view yourself if you were a male ghost? As a fine young woman, as a girl who “gets around” or as a corporeal reminder of life as an entity in a physical world?

Sounds like a risky investment.

Finally, I can only say in the end, the fact is the truth will always find a way and you can only hope for an afterlife if you’ve truly lived.

GHOST ZACH NOLD IS A UNL GRADUATE WHO CONTINUES TO JUDGE THE MORALS OF CAMPUS MORTALS FROM AFAR. REACH HIM AT OPINION@ HALFASSKANER.COM.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 | 11

DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM

ART BY MICHAEL JOHNSON | HA

Forget Meatless Mondays: UNL should be all-meat

I

f the University of Nebraska-Lincoln table institutions will come to find that beef is going to reach its enrollment goal is the solution to all of Earth’s problems. by 2020, we will have to use every Nebraska has got a leg up on the rest of the resource at our disposal. We have to world in that respect, being the second most cattle-producing state reach peak efin the U.S. Everything ficiency by recyCity campus is a at UNL will one day be cling raw materials and maximizing labor profood desert? A beef made of beef, from the meals to the textbooks, to ductivity. Every piece the tenured professors, to of driftwood must find stand on every corner the chancellor himself. its way into a desk; ev- equals problem solved.”

I challenge you to ery campus cat needs name a single probto put on a tiny yellow lem facing UNL that doesn’t have a bovine hard hat and pull its damn weight. But in all solution. City campus is a food desert? A seriousness, the solution to UNL’s growth quandary is a simple one, and it’s right under beef stand on every corner equals problem solved. UNL needs 5,000 new students and our noses: beef.

I’m confident that in the next decade, the somewhere for them to eat and sleep? Good news! Cows eat, sleep and defecate in the World Health Organization and other repu-

same place: wherever they’re standing. And they’re very fast learners. No need to build new residential halls, to renovate dining halls, or to give a damn about the well-being of the student body. Cows will take care of it all. Food, shelter (you can sleep underneath them or cut them open and crawl inside, Wampa-style), entertainment (breakneck cow races). Nebraska has three cows for every human. If we enroll three cows for every additional human student starting next year, we’ll reach our enrollment goal ahead of time without even trying.

The University of Nebraska Board of Regents has to find a new president? This state has 6 million cattle and none of them know what money is. You don’t have to pay them; you don’t have to worry about them screwing anything up, and if they somehow do a bad job

or do anything other than graze on the Selleck lawn, send them down the slaughterin’ chute.

That’s what I call a severance package!

ASUN’s external vice president-elect was found ineligible? If Caligula’s horse could be a senator and Cameron Murphy could keep his job, certainly any old cow could do the job. And we won’t have to worry about cattle using racial slurs: Cows’ only prejudice is against people who don’t eat Chik-fil-a.

I may be milking this argument, but all alternatives would be utterly deplorable. To meat the demands of the future, UNL must literally have a cow.

OXEN HOLSTEIN IS A TURFGRASS AND LANDSCAPE MANAGEMENT MAJOR. IF YOU’VE GOT BEEF WITH THIS COLUMN, REACH HIM AT OPINION@ HALFASSKANER.COM.

SPORTS

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM

12

Eichorst breaks news in person, not email RODRIGUEZ ROCKINGHAM HA

FILE PHOTO | DN

Taylor Martinez’s 1st house sale intercepted at last moment FRANCIS STEPHANOPOULOS HA In the foyer of a dutch colonial on the uppereast side of Los Angeles, former Nebraska quarterback Taylor Martinez stood in awe of himself, looking over the finalizing papers for his first-ever house sale.

It’d taken months, but Martinez was back, baby, and this time in the real estate business on the West Coast. Surely, with this sale, business would boom. All that was left now was his signature. He was in the red zone, first and goal from the one-yard-line.

But just as he bent down to sign the paper on the coffee table, the Allens, a lovely couple moving from Sacramento, barged in.

“Taylor,” they said. “We decided to go with a different house. With a different realtor.”

Martinez’s face dropped.

“Not again,” he thought.

“But which realtor?” He asked, looking down at the ground and drawing circles on

the hardwood floors with his toe.

The Allens paused for a moment, then, in unison, shouted, “Our buddy Ron!” Martinez felt two large hands and a beer gut behind him.

“Hey there, buddy!” the man yelled.

It was Martinez’s old backup Ron Kellogg III, the man who threw the most famous pass in Taylor Martinez’s four years at Nebraska.

“Kellogg? What are you doing here?”

Martinez asked.

“I’m a realtor here too,” Kellogg explained. “Ever since that Northwestern throw, I decided to just do whatever you do, and then when the opportunity is right, jump in and steal your thunder. Isn’t that GREAT?” Martinez was silent for a moment, while Kellogg and the Allens’ left, hand in hand.

Martinez found himself alone in the house, the papers on the table still unsigned.

“Just gotta stick to the process,” Martinez said to himself.

SPORTS@ HALFASSKINER.COM

said in an email that the two parties had a “productive talk” and each walked away understanding of the other side. He said looks forward to more of that kind of communicaIt had been 28 years, but Nebraska Athletic Dition. rector Shawn Eichorst thought maybe it was “He called them productive? I’m not time to try again. kidding, the dude showed us a slideshow, At first it felt weird, he said, getting up bragged about how much Reddit Karma and actually leaving his desk to walk down the hall. But he did it anyway. For the first he had and then asked if we had any questions,” Mitchell said. “And when time in 28 years, he knocked on the we asked about Bo, he laughed, door of a colleague and broke news threw $100 bills at us that he in person rather than in an email. called “fun coupons” and then “He told me he was craving long boarded out of the confermashed potatoes for lunch and so ence room singing Elton John.” he’d put it on the lunch menu,” the Eichorst later apologized to colleague he broke news to said. the players via email.

The dramatic switch in proProtocol for the remainder tocol, which is usually to “send of Eichorst’s tenure, he said in an email and see what happens,” an email, is to continue breaking as Eichorst explained to the Halfnews about lunches, dinners and asskanER in an email, came when the occasional breakfast in perEichorst saw backlash after anson. But his staunch belief that nouncing Husker football coach EICHORST media should be kept in the dark Mike Riley’s hiring. about almost anything else will “Originally, I really just not change in the foreseeable futhought, ‘If I was a player, how would I want to know? In person, like a man, or on the web, ture, he said in an email.

“Honestly, it really only applies to food,” like a troll,” Eichorst said in an email. “I went Eichorst said in an email. “And to answer with the troll.” your other questions: 1) No, I won’t be sitting Backlash stemmed from players feeling down with any media outlets anytime soon they were being treated unfairly after Bo Pelior probably ever, 2) No, I won’t be available ni’s firing, of which they learned via email the for comment any time ever, 3) Yes, I have an morning it took place.

“It was weird; it wasn’t cool, and we were Xbox, actually, my gamertag is HuskGuy97 and 4) If you have any other questions – I’ll pretty mad about it,” former cornerback Josh direct the email to someone, and he or she’ll Mitchell said of the change in protocol. “Wait, take care of it while I browse the Internet and he said what about the troll thing?” play Starcraft.”

Eichorst came up with the idea of being up SPORTS@ front with players and coaches and speaking HALFASSKANER.COM to them in person after the meeting. Eichorst

Miles in hot water after locker room soak CHRIS BOWLING HA After more than a month of speculation, Nebraska men’s basketball coach Tim Miles has admitted to locking his players out of their locker room on Feb. 22 so he could have it to himself.

“It’s not easy being the most handsome coach in the Big Ten Conference,” Miles said at a press conference held on March 30. “When you’re on a losing streak like we were, sometimes all you need is a good soak in the hot tub to revitalize your chi.”

Suspicions rose around Miles’ claim of playing the scolding parent by revoking

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 | 13

DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM

It’s not easy being the most handsome coach in the Big Ten Conference. When you’re on a losing streak like we were, sometimes all you need is a good soak in the hot tub to revitalize your chi.”

TIM MILES

basketball coach

players’ privileges to the Hendricks Training Complex after cleaning staff found numerous used towels hidden in the theater next to DVD copies of “Air Bud” and “Annie.” Miles didn’t respond to accusations that he was taking strategies from the basketball-savvy golden retriever but said that “Annie” has always been a favorite of his.

Members of the team took to Twitter after the press conference to express their disdain for their dashing coach. Junior Shavon Shields questioned what need Miles had for the custom made, six-foot deep couch, TV accessible toilets and a private court modeled after Pinnacle Bank Arena.

“That’s just unnecessary,” Shields said.

“If you’re going to have a locker room complete with a custom pool table and two televisions, you should at least share it with someone.”

Athletic Director Shawn Eichorst also made an appearance at the press conference. He said he knew Miles’ intention when he first issued the lockout. In fact,

Miles even invited him to hang out in what Eichorst called, “a classic bro sesh.”

“It was just two guys watching ‘Annie’ and eating cereal in the hot tubs of an $18.7 million facility,” Eichorst said. “I really don’t see Miles or myself in the wrong here.

Everyone needs a vacation.”

Eichorst and Miles said they should’ve been upfront about their intentions, but they wouldn’t trade the laughs and heartto-heart talks they shared for the world.

The NCAA’s Division I Committee on infractions issued a statement on March 31 in regard to Miles’ and Eichorst’s press conference.

The press release said while the NCAA totally respects the sanctity of bro-time within its statutes, to mislead players and the community with a farce about overprivileged student-athletes is a different story.

SPORTS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

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Husker Season poised to occur at any moment JENNIFER HARAZIN HA “Can it be Husker football season already #GBR?” read just one of many anxious tweets by ‘skers sick of waiting for fall kickoff.

After seeing this particular plea, however, new Husker coach Mike Riley closed his laptop, picked up his phone and made a call. It only had to ring once.

Without hesitation, Coach Riley said two simple words and promptly hung up. Those two words contained more significance than anything else uttered in the history of Nebraska.

“It’s time.”

This is the moment we’d all been waiting for.

Husker Football Season had begun. Quickly, the entire Memorial Stadium staff rose from its dread rest, shaking off the dust of gameless seasons to begin preparations for the first game, set to begin in mere minutes.

The marching band hastily congregated outside the stadium, hurriedly refreshing its memory of the Pregame Spectacular as members put on their uniforms and assembled their instruments.

Hail Varsity indeed.

UNL Alert issued a message to all students, instructing them to immediately head to the stadium, while radio and TV stations across the state commanded all citizens who were able to head to

the college football mecca of the Midwest for this momentous occasion.

Although hesitant at first, the University of Oklahoma’s football team hastily gathered and boarded a plane, somewhat confused but ready to play this historic game.

Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops said he was initially very concerned, considering that training had not even begun and the team roster had not been officially set, but he eventually realized the Sooners had to play this game. Not only was it the opportunity of a lifetime, it was “for the greater good of football­, nay, the entire United States of America.”

Despite, or perhaps because of, its 3:47 a.m. kickoff, the game was absolutely riveting, another sellout. Oklahoma’s haphazardly assembled team proved to be a great match. The game was close, but our ‘Skers managed to pull off a win, ending the game with a score of 4,2­38 to zero.

“It was a great start to the season, and I’m just so fortunate to have Husker Nation’s support and enthusiasm. It truly made this game special,” Riley remarked at a press conference that followed. “And also I was just as tired of waiting for the first game day as the rest of you.”

On this brisk spring night, Husker fans are finally at peace. The cries of the faithful have at last been heard.

SPORTS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

14 | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015

DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM

Point/Counterpoint: Is baseball really boring? »With » Major League Baseball getting back into the swing of things, many have complained baseball has become too slow of a game to entertain the younger generation.

With that in mind, two HA sports writers gave their opinions on the game and what they think could improve the pace of play.

POINT: BASEBALL IS BORING

how incorporate tackling into the game, that would be interesting. Make it so the opposing team could tackle the player trying to catch the ball. That would be awesome. That is what baseball needs – more head injuries and more concussions. Something distinct to separate it from all other sports.

COUNTERPOINT: YEAH, GOOD POINT DOMINGO STEVENS HA

JOSEPHINE MORRIS HA Oh God, baseball is back. Oh no, why God, why?

Why must you punish us mortal beings?

Baseball is sooooo boring. It’s basically like watching paint dry except paint drying doesn’t take five hours. Is there another game that takes so long but also has so little action? I could describe a baseball game in 20 seconds: guy hits the ball; team wins the game; other team loses. Or: guy pitches ball, team wins the game, other team loses. That’s baseball. Now you have five hours to do something productive with your life.

We can pretend that a pitch­clock and penalties for slowing down the game will improve the sport, but what will that do? Turn a five-hour game into a four­and ­a­half­hour-game? If you could some-

You know what, I was going to start on this impassioned soliloquy about how baseball is America’s sport and holds a higher honor than any other sport in the county. But you know what, you’re right, baseball’s boring. BASEBALL IS SO BORING. Oh my God, what have I done with my life? I spent the past two springs covering the men’s baseball team, and I’ve just realized it was the single most miserable experience of my life. Oh God, I wasted so much time watching this sport. I could’ve done so many other important things, such as becoming fluent in Spanish. I could’ve made that trip to Ohio for the first time, or maybe I could’ve finally learned how the hell cricket works. Who am I kidding, nobody knows how cricket works, but still, maybe I could’ve been the first. It’s like

FILE PHOTO | DN I’ve spent the last 20 years worrying whether an endless procession of strong, burly boys will hit a ball or not. I could’ve been doing something

more productive, like watching the NBA or something. God, I could have been somebody.

SPORTS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

CLASSIFIEDS

Services

Apts. For Rent

Misc. Services Former softball pitcher? Want to make $20/hr as a pitching coach? I’m looking for a pitching coach for my 12 yr old; 2-3 hours a week. Contact Adam at 540-8641.

Housing Roommates Roommate ads are FREE in print and online.

E-mail yours to dn@unl.edu and include your name, address and phone number.

Houses For Rent Houses For Rent Available Now! 3500 North 62nd. 4/BR, 2/BA, Finished basement, garage. All appliances; W/D, D/W, $1200/mo.

3835 Madison St. 4BR, 2/BA, Finished basement, Garage. $1100/mo. Call Paul 402-432-3191 or 402-466-6892

Duplexes For Rent Duplex For Rent Student Share close to both campuses. Four separate bedrooms/2 baths/2 large living areas. $1200/$300 per person. 1133 N 32nd Street. 402-617-6692

Holroyd Investment Properties, Inc.

1-2 & 3 Bedrooms Apartments, Townhomes and Duplexes

402-465-8911 www.HIPRealty.com

Jobs Help Wanted $1,090 Paid Stipend - 1 3-day Stay for a health study. Celerion has an upcoming study, CA15075, looking for interested Healthy Men & Women, between the ages of 19 - 50, with a BMI: 18.5 - 32, and minimum weight 111 lbs.

Study Length: 1 - 3 Night Stay & 1 Return.

There is free WiFi so you can continue your studies or take a break and enjoy the cable tv, or shoot some pool, or even catch up on your sleep! Screenings begin the end of February.

Like us on Facebook to receive instant notific tions of new studies. www.facebook.com/lincoln.celerion For more info: www.helpresearch.com or 866-445-7033 #helpresearch #type2diabetes #diabetes #clinicaltrials ?

Help Wanted Are you seeking a flexible schedule and the opportunity to obtain experience in the medical, scientific or research fields? We have the position for you!

Due to Celerion’s rapid company expansion we are currently seeking part-time Medical Research Assistants / Clinical Conduct Associates to work in our Phase I Research clinic in Lincoln, Nebraska. Clinical Conduct Associates monitor activities of study participants, handle human biological samples and record data. Responsibilities also include taking vital signs, performing EKGs, phlebotomy, height/weight, and monitoring meals. We are seeking employees who can commit to working a minimum of 20-25 hours per week. Excellent training is provided. Previous medical experience is preferred, but not required.

Knowledge/Skills/Education/Licenses: High school diploma or GED Post high school education in life sciences or medical training preferred CPR certification preferred ?Experience in accurate documentation of data preferred This is a part-time, role that will work 20-25 hours per week. The work hours for this role are Fridays from 5:30p-11p; availability on Saturday and Sunday from 5a-11p.

EEO/AA M/F / Vet / Disability First Lincoln Federal Credit Union looking to fill member services position assisting members with financial transactions and perform various back-office duties. Good communication skills, marketing, accounting and/or cash handling experience a plus. On the job training, great benefits and opportunity for advancement. Inquiries or resumes to info@firstlincoln.org or stop by 5730 R Street, Lincoln NE.

Find yours here.

Help Wanted **VA Work-Study** Nebraska Department of Veterans’ Affairs is currently looking for work-studies to assist with administrative duties. To complete an application, stop by our office at 301 Centennial Mall South, 6th floor.

Game Day Security Officer

Signal 88 is currently accepting applications for the positions of certified police officers and non certified personnel for security at the Nebraska Cornhusker Football Home Games.

Must be willing to work Saturdays in a loud environment and stand/walk for a minimum of eight hours/game. Start times for games will vary and will not be known until game schedules are set, usually the week before, by network television. Parking and transportation to and from the stadium will be provided. Roll call will include any additional paperwork needing to be completed as well as food and beverage prior to the game. You will be paid for 8.5 hours of work which will consist of briefing at the stadium, your post at the stadium and post game clearing of the field. Failure to show for assignment without notification will result in immediate termination. Failure to follow company SOP for assignment will result in immediate termination. Applications and answers to questions may be obtained by emailing Tom Spethman at tspethman@signal88.com, 402-463-9959 and www.signal88.com Signal 88 is an equal opportunity employer.

Join the CenterPointe Team! Part-time positions available in residential program working with substance abuse/mental health clients in a unique environment. Must be at least 21 years of age and be willing to work a varied schedule including overnights and weekends.

Pay differential for overnight hours. For more information visit: www.centerpointe.org.

LAZLO’S HAYMARKET Where quality is not just a word it’s a Culture. Now hiring the Best and Brightest Servers and Line Cooks.

FT/PT positions available.

Please visit our Careers page at: www.lazlosbreweryandgrill.com Come join our team!

EOE

Help Wanted Mahoney Golf Course is now accepting applications for the positions of Snackbar/Beer Cart, and Pro Shop Customer Service Representative. Applicants must be customer service oriented and willing to work weekends and holidays. Apply in person in the clubhouse, 7900 Adams St. EOE OMNI Behavioral Health is seeking a Therapist to provide mental health therapy to Families, Individuals, and Youth as well as functional and pre-treatment assessments, Comprehensive Family Assessments and interventions to individuals and families. Completion of treatment plans and the provision of evidence based treatment in delivering treatment to adults, children, and families in the home based setting. Qualifications: LMHP and family intervention experience is preferred. Professional Clinical supervision is provided. Travel required. Must have a valid driver’s license, reliable transportation, and must complete pre-employment background checks.

Full Benefits Package! Please apply for this position on our website by using the following link: https://careers.omnibehavioralhealth.com /.

OMNI Behavioral Health is seeking persons to work at a therapeutic group home for adolescents 14 to 18 years old with emotional/behavior disorders in Seward, NE. Part-time positions with benefits currently available. Applicants must be 21 years of age.

Bachelor’s degree, undergraduates in psychology or related fields, or experience working with adolescents preferred. Please apply for this position on our website using the following link: https://careers.omnibehavioralhealth.com/ Paid summer jobs (May 20th - July 26th) at Carol Joy Holling Camp in Ashland, NE. Hiring high ropes instructors and counselors. Contact Kelsey at kellis@nlom.org or 402-944-2544.

Sam’s Club Career Opportunities

We’re looking for motivated, career driven individuals to join the Sam’s Club team in its new South location. Start at $9.50/hour and up.

Stop and apply in person at 8480 Andermatt Dr, or online at Samsclub.com. Questions call 402-975-6902.

Help Wanted Why not spend you Days/Nights at the Beach?

Spike’s is looking for Servers and Door people.

If you are a friendly and outgoing person with a good work ethic, please apply in person. At 2300 Judson, Lincoln. Flexible hour and a fun place to work.

Summer Jobs Lincoln Tent is looking for part time summer help and full time help. No experience is necessary. Work outside installing tents in various locations. Earn extra with overtime. Benefits available for full time workers. A valid drivers license is preferred. Stop in to get an application at 3900 Cornhusker Hwy, Lincoln, NE between 8 am to 4:30 pm Mon through Friday or contact Julie at jmiller@lincoltent.com or 402-467-4559.

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Students: $5/15 words + $.15 additional word Non-Students: $9/15 words + $.15 additional word Discounts for additional issues Email ad to dn@unl.edu or place online at DailyNebraskan.com

15

JUST FOR FUN

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM

5 celebrities who have said the word ‘Nebraska’

“Nebraska!”

- Larry the Cable Guy

“Where’s Nebraska?”

- Rihanna

-COMPILED BY GABRIELLA MARTINEZ-GARRO | COURTESY PHOTOS ARTS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

Plan your weekend Thursday, April 2nd:

Friday, April 3rd:

Professor Hotchkiss will give a lecture on the grossest booger he ever picked. The event will take place at the Sheldon Art Museum at 5 p.m. Free for UNL students with valid NCard.

My schedule is free tonight if you wanna get coffee or whatever. Or food or something. I don’t know if you’d be interested or not. Admission is one smooch toward the end of the night.

Saturday, April 4th:

Sunday, April 5th:

The Cool Kids of UNL club will meet at 4 p.m. in the Nebraska Union. Admission is one fist bump; nerds will be tossed into nearby trash cans.

The Wet Slaps will perform in the alley behind the Zoo Bar at 11 p.m. Tickets are $10 in advance and $15 the day of the show. Only true fans welcome.

-COMPILED BY GABRIELLA MARTINEZ-GARRO ARTS@ HALFASSKANER.COM

“There lies a darkness in the Nebraska heartland that stirs my very soul. It’s a haunting fear that has affected me since I first visited on tour years ago. I wouldn’t wish that horrible feeling upon my worst enemy.”

“I heard Nebraska is a great place to leave your family.”

- Benedict Cumberbatch

- Taylor Swift

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A S H O W E D F A P K R A T R E I R S H L O C V C A E Q P N L L V D Y E R R B S U A O N K L A S S A I O P E R A H L J O A B R M T E M E T R O F N R T O J L O Z Y G I N A E L S T M F A O R A L R C A C G K I T Y E S R F Y I P U M O K F S C V L O W E B Z S B I L L B S N W I M A Y F L O O R O R E T A R W Q T I N C A Y T N P L H J W T R D O V S S R A C B I S F R A B E C T O G A T A V O D A K S R I N E G U A C A M A L E A Z O N L L B R T Y O FISH SHOWERS MAYFLOWERS CHOCOLATE MOOSE HOGWARTS

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DAILYNEBRASKAN.COM

Why not finish what you started at SCC?

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You can do this!

Finish the degree you started at Southeast Community College!

Study

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What is Reverse Transfer?

Reverse transfer is the process of awarding an associate degree to students who begin their education at SCC, transfer to another institution, and complete their associate degree requirements while working toward a bachelor’s degree. In this case, UNL.

Why do it?

• The completed degree is a marketable credential for your resume and an important milestone in your education.

• Employers value a degree as evidence of your commitment to expanding your knowledge and achieving your educational goals.

• A degree can help you land a better job while continuing your education.

“This process has allowed me to accomplish my educational career goals. I’m very appreciative of all the advising staff at SCC who helped me. It was a very quick and easy transfer, and in the end I felt a sense of accomplishment.”

You don’t need to jump tall buildings to be a superhero.

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Go to www.southeast.edu/CompleteYourDegree to learn more

Lincoln, NE

621 Rose Street